Monstrous Malfeasance

by Fillydelphia Collins

Rating: mature
Tags: Princess Luna, Gore, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Other, Comedy, Tragedy, Random, Adventure, Discord, Crossover, Babs Seed
Length: 9740

Discord achieves freedom from the princesses' whims, finds a partner in crime and looses his potential on an unsuspecting Equestria. He just wants his freedom. Others want him kept imprisoned.

After tricking Celestia into letting him free from service to the greater good, Discord finds a job, decides he hates the working life and subsequently cuts himself loose from society. Granted, it's nothing he hasn't done before, but this time he has a partner.

Clover just wants to be left alone; something that doesn't come easily for a non-pony in a pony's world. As a monster, he's at best a second class citizen. Lucky for him, Discord's here to show him how to be more.

Published 2013-03-23 01:30:01 UTC
Last updated 2013-08-03 11:56:19 UTC

Chapter the First: Blood on the set.

They met at craft services: the monster and the demigod. It was a simple fare; bagels, muffins, some fruit and a couple of parfaits (marked for the lead cast, of course).

"They never have anything good at these things," Discord muttered, mostly to himself.

On the other side of the table, Clover grunted an agreement. "Seriously. Where's a slider when you want one? Or, hell, even a ham sandwich would be a nice change..."

Around them, ponies sprung into action as the director called for scene set. "You in this one?" Discord asked, eyeing the other's nametag while selecting a raisin muffin. Maybe he could pretend the raisins were little insects...

"Nope, I got one appearance in scene 49."

"Damn, that's a wait."

"Don't I know it." Clover shuffled his long, double-jointed arms and pulled a script from somewhere on his back. "This might be the single shittiest role I've ever gotten. Listen to this... Scene: Nighttime, Canterlot Castle, base of South Tower," he read. "Celestia: 'Guards! Full power attack on left flank, hit that bastard where the Me don't shine!' -Seriously? Where the Me don't shine? Who writes this stuff?" He shook his head and sighed, the air-sacs on the sides of his head deflating slightly. "And here's my name; Failed Genetic Experiment - can you believe that? My frakkin' name in this hunk of stallion crap is Failed Genetic Experiment! I can only imagine that they actually call me by that name on set, too. Ooh, yeah, and here's my line, you'll love this- 'aaaarrreegghhhaaarr!' I mean, I don't even know how to pronounce that! Aaregaregar? Aaaaaarrrggerger..."

Discord chuckled, spitting out the chewed muffin and holding it up for inspection. "They just don't respect us fey creatures anymore. You should see my part." He molded the soggy bit back onto the the rest of the pastry and put it back on the tray. "I'm a frickin' stone statue in the topiary! I'm in 7 or 8 scenes, but all I do is turn my head slowly to follow the other actors. I honestly don't even know what this movie's about..."

The P.A. boomed again, calling for a scene change. Discord looked down at his script. "Welp, this one's for me. I'll see you later." He started walking away, then turned and said, "I'm Discord, by the way."

"Clover!" the gangly monster rasped as the other backpedaled away. "Nice talking to you!" Discord disappeared around a wheeled wall with a wave. Absently, Clover watched a pony walk over and pick out a muffin from the table.

"Mmm! Raisins!" the pony said hungrily. Clover considered saying something, then just shrugged and loped off to find a chair.

(0-v-v-v-0)

Discord sighed on the inside. His left butt cheek itched, his claw and hoof were getting sore and all he really wanted was a neat of bourbon in his talons. All these itches, he thought. Where were you when I didn't have to stand perfectly still for minutes at a time?

Oh for the world on a silver platt...

"CUUUTTTT!!"

The director's voice rang shrilly in his ears, followed closely by that of his current lackey.

"5 minutes everypony! ...oh, and you, too, Discord..." This was followed by laughter all around the stage.

'Ha ha,' Discord thought, stepping off the podium. 'Go buck yourself...'

He twitched a finger and the coffee cup the lackey was holding in his magical grasp exploded in his face, yielding a scream of surprise from the suddenly wet unicorn.

"Oh dear!" Discord said and covered his mouth in mock surprise. He leaned against a nearby wall and watched as a few ponies surrounded the slightly scalded stallion in an attempt to help.

Quickly losing interest in the situation, he drifted his attention to the different goings-on of a nearby stage, where groups of earth ponies and pegasi were constructing a plywood tower, painted to look like stone. Several prop unicorns ran hither and thither, supporting weapons and armor in their personal fields, dodging around each other in well practiced precision.

All of this only held Discord's attention for a few moments before he once again grew bored. 'Being a near-eternal creature sucks sometimes,' he thought. Even with all the power he controlled, he still had to work for a living. When Princess Celestia's grand plans for him turned out to be nothing more than work as a glorified butler, he knew he had to act now or face eternal boredom.

After Fluttershy transitioned him from rogue to robot through the... ehh, 'magic of friendship' (gods, just thinking that made his skin crawl)... he had truly been ready to turn over a new leaf.

Maybe he'd just been fooling himself.

And then that hag Celestia had 'hired' him on at the castle. What a load of minotaur droppings that had been.

15 hours a day, waiting at the beck and call of two constantly cycling princesses, doing everything from cleaning out the privies to helping rebuild the castle gate every time Luna got drunk on dandelion whiskey. Oh sure, there were good points to the life at the beginning, when his friendship with Fluttershy was still blossoming and the princesses at least pretended to respect him. But then Fluttershy had stopped writing to him (he still didn't know why) and the princesses slowly gave up all pretense of being cordial.

It was then that he arranged his little "accident." Finding the magic lode-well in the castle's basement had been a serious stroke of luck, and the idea to use the Celestia's own pet as the catalyst had been pure genius on his part. And, woah! the way he'd convinced Celestia that he'd...

"Hey!"

The voice brought him out of his reverie, piercing into his skull and making him cringe. He turned to find the unicorn lackey striding up to him, almost foaming at the muzzle.

"Me?" Discord asked, looking over his shoulders and then pointing at himself. He noticed everypony else around the pair casually stopping their work to watch. Oh, how he LOVED an audience!

"Yeah, you! You spilled that coffee on me! I could have been hurt!"

Discord smiled. "And how could I have done that? I have no mag..."

"Don't bull me!" The unicorn was really fuming, now. "I know you did it!"

Ponies from other stages had now joined the crowd around them.

"You used your chaotic powers to loosen my grip on that cup, and I..."

"Sir, I suggest you lower your voice..."

"...why they even let you on this set, I can't comprehend!" The pony continued, not missing a beat.

"But my good sir, you know as well as I that I have no magic to use! I was stripped of all my power in a TERRIBLE accident! Even the gracious princess herself declared me powerless and fit for ..."

"Ugh!" The stallion stamped his hoof in disgust and turned abruptly away. He took a few steps then stopped and turned around. "Taints like you and that alien abomination over there shouldn't even be allowed across the border!" He pointed a hoof at Clover, who had just ambled up to the crowd. "Equestria's better without your kind!"

Discord's smile became a frown. "Excuse me?"

"You heard me! We. Don't. WANT. YOU. HERE."

"You might want to take that back." Discord said, quietly. Of everyone in the crowd, only he had the vantage point to see what was about to happen.

"Buck you, freak!"

Discord's sudden mood change was scary. The smile that blossomed on his face - his true, chaotic smile - appeared so quickly and without warning that the unicorn backed up a step, consternation flitting across his features.

"Well," he began, contempt dripping from his voice, "tell us how you really feel, Mr....?"

The lackey was suddenly, and quite understandably, nervous. "...it's uh, umm..." He somehow managed to rally his scattered emotions; Discord was actually surprised at how quickly the pony recovered in the face of his most unsettling smile. "I am Arrow Scribe, First Assistant to Director Chrysanthemum Baby!"

"Chrysanthe... wait wait wait." Discord turned to the older pony standing on the edge of the crowd, his face taking on a mask of evil joy. "You're Chrysanthemum Baby?"

The stallion nodded, smiling at the recognition.

"Wow!" Discord said, mirth exploding across his features, sarcasm dripping from his voice. "You directed Pan-stormers, right? And Pony Harbor? Damn!" The director visibly swelled with pride: and then Discord dropped the bomb. "Your movies SUCK! Now I get why this script blows!"

At that point, several things happened simultaneously: Baby's face grew dark, words rising to his sputtering lips; an enraged First Assistant took a step back, bringing a hoof up to cocked position; the crowd, already stupefied by the spectacle unfolding before them, took a collective gasp; and Clover, whom Discord had watched climb to the top of partially built tower, finally got the knot untied.

(0-v-v-v-0)

"Celestia? Cel?"

Luna's voice rang through the stone hallways and chambers, bouncing through the strange and conspicuous emptiness of the castle. Canterlot Keep was never truly empty, even in the wee hours of the morning. Guards roamed the halls banishing ne'er-do-wells and the cloparazzi, and the cleaning staff worked tirelessly from room to room, banishing (temporarily, at least) the ever-present dust-bunnies and silvernutes that plagued the ancient stonework.

At the very least, Celestia could usually be counted on to be up and about, seeing to any of number of things around the place.

"Cel?" She ventured one more time.

The lack of ponies - and especially her sister - was beginning to worry Luna; not something easy to do to a nearly ageless, extremely powerful creature such as herself.

She had just given up calling at Celestia's chambers when a low grating sound, hardly audible even in the silence, made her look up.

"...the frell is that?" she muttered, cocking her head to one side as she looked above the doorway. Adorning the curve of the arch was a frieze, carved so long ago that nopony alive remembered the artist. It depicted in intricate detail representations of ponies from all the tribes, gathered around in audience an unknown alicorn standing in the middle of a large room. As she watched, a circular inset of lazuli, representing the alicorn's cutie mark, rotated within its depression, tiny puffs of stone dust escaping around the edges.

Luna began backing slowly away, eyes glued to the wall, horn glowing softly.

(0-v-v-v-0)

Discord and Clover were running. They had no idea where to, but in the grand scheme of things, that didn't really matter. What they did have, however, was a very clear idea as to WHY they were running. Half a block back, six security guards were hoofing it after them, shouting inane commands to stop in the names of the princesses.

Discord ran swiftly, despite his cumbersome corporeal construction, legs moving at a blur and his face fixed into a broad, shit-eating grin. Beside him, loping along at an easy pace, Clover was wondering what, exactly, he'd gotten himself into.

The security ponies were slowly falling behind, and Discord fully intended them to stay there. With a glance back and a snap of his finger, he brought a lamp-post down on the first two, pounding the ponies flat to the ground; its comical, surreal bending was a stark contrast to the two blood-stains it left behind. The other four skidded to a sudden stop, cries of horror bleating from their heaving chests.

While Discord was slowing the pursuit, Clover had pulled a bit ahead and swung his huge bulk around a corner, hardly even slowing. In his mind, he knew he was, for lack of a better word, fucked. Helping get Discord out of the mess he'd created back at the studio had been a spur of the moment decision (and not entirely selfless - that asshole unicorn had it coming). Dropping that piece of plywood bulwark on the director and his assistant had caused the confusion they needed to get out of there, but the crowd had rebounded fairly quickly, sending the security guards off after them post haste. And now, he was fully involved in... well, whatever this was.

They were lucky, though; so far, there was no sign of the poli-

'Ah,' thought Clover as sirens arose in the distance, 'spoke too soon.'

Without slowing he bounded across the street and into an ally, clipping a garbage can with one foot and sending it rattling away, throwing its contents to the wind. Discord leapt it easily as he followed.

"Hahahahahahahaha! Did you SEE those suckers!? Oh great Gamera, this is the most fun I've had in...hell, over a thousand years!" Discord's face was lit up with glee, excitement oozing from him in an almost tangible wave.

"Well, I'm glad you're enjoying this," Clover said, diplomatically, "but do you have an escape plan, or are we just going to run through allies all day?"

Clover received a mirthful look in response. "Have faith, my new-found friend! Discord will provide!"

(0-v-v-v-0)

Chapter the Second: Ash on the grass.

(0-v-v-v-0)

"Gosh."

On a sunny street corner in Applewood, a hopeful young mare stood starstruck, taking in the sights and sounds of the famed city of cinema. All the way from from Manehattan she'd come, her saddle bags her only luggage and her dreams her only companions. From afar she heard a siren sounding through the clear air, but ignored it completely as a gaggle of ponies rounded the opposite corner, laughing and talking loudly. She marveled for a moment at their care-free attitudes, wishing with all her might that she could be one of them.

'Some day,' she thought, blowing her mane out of her eyes.

She re-centered the bags across her back and started across the street, relishing the feel of the ground beneath her hooves. Sitting for so long on that darn Greyhorse bus had taken its toll and she was glad for the chance to stretch her legs. She even bounced a little as she trotted between the walkway lines.

Reaching the other sidewalk, she stood for a minute, looking back and forth down both sides of the block and trying to decide on the best course to take. Getting in a bit earlier than expected had been nice, and she'd decided to wander around a little before making her way to her cousin's house in the burro. She ultimately decided on the more direct course (it was harder to get lost going in a straight line, she figured), she bee-lined up the street, her head never stopping it's pendulum motion as she tried to take in everything around her.

The sun glinted off the corner of a billboard high above her head, a sudden intrusion into her walking daydream. A horrid creature from another world glared down at her, odd fleshy appendages on the end of one of its forelegs reaching out for her from a midnight black portal full of swirling shapes. Above it ran the words, 'THIS SUMMER'S BLOCKBUSTER HIT: EARTH ATTACKS!' She stared at the creature for a minute, thinking she might be seeing that terrible vision in her dreams tonight.

For Celestia's sake, she thought, it doesn't even have fur, just that oddly smooth hide like when Granny had to have hip surgery and they shaved her for it! And its face! Good gravy, it's flat, and with that weird half-evolved snout sticking out of the middle... and the mouth wasn't even part of it! And the way it stands there on only two legs, using its other forehoof with the disgusting twiddly bits to hold what looks like a super fancy hose nozzle with lights on it! What the deuce IS that thing!?

She shook herself, closing her eyes to the apparition above her, and walked on. Meanwhile, somewhere in the back of her mind, she once again noticed - and once again dismissed - the growing siren sounds from a few blocks off.

She passed a street-side stand selling apple-chata and tamales. With a quick glance back and a flurry of hooves, she back-peddled and wheeled around at the end of the line. She stood on the tips of her hooves and peeked over the shoulders of the ponies in front of her, excitement on her face. Real street-side Marexican food! What a treat!

A large, round bulletin board sat nearby, completely covered in random ads. Scraps of paper showcasing everything from used saddlebags to the latest in unicorn horn fashions fluttered in the light breeze. She idly looked them over as the line crept forward, hoof by hoof. Then, one near the bottom caught her eye.

"COME ONE COME ALL!" it read. "EXPERIENCE FOR YOURSELVES THE NEW AND IMPROVED FLIM FLAM BROTHERS' MAGICALLY MAJESTIC LIQUID LUCK EXTRACT! DOWN IN THE DUMPS? CHIN UP CHUMPS! ONE SIP CURES YOUR BLUES! TWO, YOUR MALADIES! THREE GIVES YOU THE WORLD ON A PLATTER, SERVED JUST HOW YOU LIKE IT! OUR FINE PATENTED BREW IS BACKED BY A 30 DAY GUARANTEE, SO DON'T DILLY-DALLY!"

In a tiny font at the bottom which she could just make out from where she stood was the crammed together line: "For a limited time only all offers final no returns no refunds any side effects are not our problem."

"Well, that just reeks of minotaur dung. Anypony falling for that is a right mule," she thought, shaking her head.

A voice suddenly blared into her ear, breaking her from her reverie.

"Order?!"

"What?" She turned, surprised at the sudden intrusion, and found herself at the head of the line.

"Order! Do you know what you want!?" the stallion behind the counter tapped his hooves impatiently as he stared at her before muttering "...frickin' out-a-towners..."

"Umm, er, a um..." she stammered, trying to get her head back straight. "Yes! I do! Umm... Order order order..." She glanced quickly at the sign again and picked the first two thing she saw. "An apple-chata and a sunflower tamale!" she blurted out. She then added a meek "please" as an afterthought.

"Creeper 'n a jumper!" he yelled back to the cook, who glanced up and said, "Yeah yeah, I heard it...you ain't gotsta yell."

The sales-stallion gave him a look and then turned back and barked, "12 bits!"

"12 bits?! For that? Bu... wha... that... that's daylight robbery!" she sputtered, taken aback.

"You want it, pay for it, you don't want it, walk away 'n I'll give it to the next person. What's it gonna be?" He started tapping his hooves again.

"...fine." She sighed. "Take it." She hoofed over the bits and got the food in return, giving the stallion a dirty look before turning and walking away.

"What, no tip?" he yelled after her. She turned and gave him a gesture that only a Manehattanite could truly pull off. He just grinned back at her, then blatantly looked her up and down.

"Dirt-bag..." she said, flicking her tail and trotting away to find a place to sit.

A nearby park provided just that, so she hopped up on a bench and began unwrapping her fare, still heedless of the sirens that were now just down the block.

A more observant pony would have noted that the sirens didn't sound like they were following anything. That they were searching, unsure of where they were supposed to be chasing off to. A more observant pony would have been worried about that...

(0-v-v-v-0)

"Discord."

The two were running. They threaded their way blindly through alleys and side streets, dimly aware of the growing cacophony of screams and sirens that marked their passage.

"Discord!"

Only twice so far they'd been spotted since his little trick with the security ponies, and Discord was having a blast with this little cat-and-mouse game they had goi...

"DISCORD!"

Clover's yell finally caught his attention, and he spun on the spot, stopping his forward momentum much too quickly for someone his size. "Yes?" he asked pleasantly, suddenly sitting in an armchair and calmly smoking a pipe. Clover had to jump to keep from running into him. Though he cleared him easily, he still turned and scowled at the demi-god.

"Was that necessary?" Clover growled.

"Was what necessary?" Discord asked innocently.

"...nevermind. Just... do you have a plan? Really?"

"Of course I..." he caught Clover's look and grinned sheepishly, then finished lamely, "...don't have a plan."

"So... what, we're just gonna run in circles around the entire city until we get caught?"

"Caught?!" Discord laughed over a martini. "My good monster, we won't be caught! I just... haven't thought through the rest of the escape."

"No shit," Clover huffed, receiving a look from the draconequus.

"Listen. Do you hear that?" Discord gestured at the sirens back the way they'd come, sounding a little ticked. "Do you know what that sound means?"

"Hmm, prison time, maybe?" Clover answered sardonically.

"No. No, my friend. That... that is sound of chaos..." Discord suddenly seemed larger, and the alley around them darkened as all the ambient light seemed to be pulled into his growing form.

Clover began backing up. "Umm..." He watched as the light coalesced into flame, wreathing Discord in an almost tangible aura. Clover thought he could hear distant sounds of manic laughter and the screaming of tortured voices. "Fuck me..." he muttered, swallowing with a suddenly dry throat.

Then, before he could as much as blink, it was gone. Discord was back in his chair, re-lighting his pipe and smiling. The light had returned, the demi-god was back to normal size, and the strange fire and unworldly sounds had disappeared as quickly as they had come.

"Of course, that isn't the sound of true chaos," Discord continued, "- that would probably pop your ear drums and cause aneurysms within seconds - but it IS a good start..." He got up and stretched, popping the pipe into his mouth and cracking his neck as he did. The chair, in the meantime, shrank until it disappeared.

"Sooooo, no plan then," the monster reiterated. Discord nodded; Clover just shrugged. "Can you... can you at least warn me before you do that again?"

Discord grinned, a rogue tooth popping free of his lips. "Sure. I just wanted to show you that just because one does not have a plan... does not mean that one is not prepared."

"O...kay. Well." Clover turned around. "Shall we start running again?"

Discord's grin grew. "Ah ah ah, my friend," he spread his arms wide, "why run when you can fly?"

Clover turned around, suddenly wary. "What? What do you meeeeeeeaahhhSHHIIIIIIII...!!"

(0-v-v-v-0)

A pleased burp and a smile to match it played across her lips as she leaned back into the bench. She patted her stomach, then put a hoof through her mane, scratching idly as she let the food settle. It might have been expensive, but damn it was good...

She stretched out on the bench, feeling the warm sun on her coat. Sleep began to slowly overtake her, and with a weak will she tried to fight it. It was an uphill battle, however, and sleep eventually won out. She slumped against the backrest, her body melting into the bench as she let go of all the tension of a two day bus ride. Her pack slid slowly to her side as gentle snores took to the air.

Around her, nestled as she was in the secluded little park, the city of Applewood went about its daily business. It was a city built of big dreams, big productions and even bigger egos. A home to ponies of all backgrounds, callings and trots of life: gold-diggers, cradle-robbers, opportunists and snake-oil salesponies (some taking that quite literally); robbers, pick-pockets, lifers, scam-artists and - worst of all - actors. Down-on-their-luck, looking-for-their-big-break, take-any-job-they-can actors.

One such pony sat peering out from a bush some 20 yards from the tired mare, watching her fall asleep and planning out his angle of attack. He approached slowly, hoof tips whispering through the grass; then, with a zip, he was crouched behind the bench, listening to the rhythm of her breathing and awaiting his moment. As her quiet snores evened out, he peeked over the backrest and eyeballed her saddlebags. They'd slid off her back as she lay there, and were now in easy reach of his hooves.

A faint whistling sound gave him pause, and for a moment he looked nervously around for its source. As he backed up to get a better view around himself, the high pitched whistle became a scream, and then a voice, growing steadily louder and louder by the second. The unfortunate actor took to spinning in circles, frantically searching for the ghost sound, but...

Like most city ponies, raised to assess their planar surroundings, he never thought to look up.

"...IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITTT!!"

There was a THUD accompanied by a simultaneous SPLAT, followed by a mumbled "uuuurrrggh..."

Clover rolled over and sat up, rubbing his temple and grimacing. In a small voice he said, "...I hate you Discord. I hate you so much..."

With a pop, the demi-god appeared beside him, dressed in a captain's uniform. "Oh, c'mon, you're telling me being slingshot halfway across town ISN'T fun?!" The manic grin on his face seemed to almost split his head in half. "Anyways... where was I..." he pulled a clipboard from underneath his hat and pursed his lips as he perused it. "...landing...docking...post-landing check...ah yes, here! Ahem!" He stood up and straightened his tie. "Thank you for flying Draconequus Airlines, where your comfort comes second to our profit margin! Please exit to the le..."

A sudden "EEP!" cut him short, and both monster and trickster turned to find a freckled face fearfully watching them over the top of a bench.

"Oh my..." Discord said, his grin spreading even wider. It grew until the top of his head did in fact come fully free, and it began floating an inch above his bottom jaw, his tongue waggling obscenely in the air.

"And who do we have here?! Hmmmm!?" he crowed, his head coming back together with an audible snap. He slithered over and underneath the bench, then rose until he was level with the mare on her side. She "eeped!" again and began stammering as he stared at her.

"I-I-I-I uhh..."

"Oh? You don't say!" He looked at her askance, then said, "...griffon got your tongue?"

She gasped as he leaned closer, then sucked in a breath said in a rush, "NoIdon'tknowpleasedon'thurtme!" She took in another breath and followed with, "OhCelestiaIknowwhoyouare, Idon'twannabeturnedintoamule, pleeeeeeease!"

Discord sighed and turned to Clover. "Do you see? Do you see what I have to put up with? Ponies judge me before they've even met me!" He turned back to the trembling pony. "I'm actually a really nice guy! Seriously!"

To prove his claim, he reached behind his head and pulled an apple from the air.

"Here, a gesture of good faith..." he said, handing it to her.

She clamped her mouth shut and pressed herself as far back into the bench as she could.

"No? Ah well, let not the good go to bad, I always say!" He took a bite from the apple and grimaced, then threw it into the bushes nearby. "Ugh, a gala apple... I've never liked galas, did you know that?" She silently shook her head, her eyes somehow widening even more. "No, I suppose you wouldn't." He sighed and looked over her shoulder and waved his claw in the air. "Too... frou-frou for my tastes. I've always been more of a fuji kinda' spirit..."

"Discord," Clover said, breaking his concentration. "Maybe you should wrap this up?" He nodded towards the street, where the sound of sirens was growing ever louder.

Discord glanced over and made a mock show of being taken aback. His voice adopted a snotty, feminine quality and he said, "Clover! I say... you're positively FILTHY! It would be ever so grand if you would clean yourself up, dahling..."

Looking down, Clover frowned at the blood that was splattered across his legs and stomach. "Shit," he muttered, climbing to his feet. Where he'd landed but a minute ago now was a shallow depression, newly made and decorated with the latest in fashion of pony confetti. There wasn't much left of the pony in question, but by some twist of fate and irony, and possibly to confirm that, yes, the universe does indeed have a sense of humor, Clover could still make out the colt's cutie mark; it was a pancake.

Discord laughed and shook his head, "If only Rarity were here. Then again, maybe not; she won't even TOUCH blood unless it's imported! Never fear, my good Clove. The Discord abides..." With a snap of his tail, the blood smear disappeared, leaving Clover sparkling in the sunlight. "Now, onto more pressing matters..."

Without looking back, he snapped up the young mare as she was edging away from him on the bench. He floated her along beside him, her saddle bags dragging listlessly in the dirt, as he made his way towards a nearby pond. He stopped at the edge and pondered a moment, ignoring the whimpers coming from behind him. Then, with a wiggle of his fingers, he formed the gently moving water into a flowing staircase, which he began to climb with careful steps. At the top, he conjured a seat for the mare and sat himself on the top step, floating ever so lightly on its liquid surface. Clover sat on the edge of the pond and stared hungrily at the ducks that had moved to the far end.

Discord frowned at the ducks, then turned back to the mare with a smile. "Now, we can at least be civil about this, yes?"

She nodded, looking even more frightened as she glanced down at the water below.

"Okay, that's promising." Discord paused in thought again, his tooth doing a little flip in consternation. "First things first: you know me, this is my friend Clover (bit of a silly name, isn't it?), and you are...?"

Her voice came out a whisper, "bbsee..."

"Excuse me?"

"Bbsee..."

"One more time?"

"Babsee," she said, slightly louder.

"Bad See? That's... an odd name, I must admit." Discord cocked his head.

"My name is Babs. Babs Seed..." She looked him in the eye. "Are... are you gonna turn me into a... mule?" she asked, her lower lip shaking with the effort of holding back tears.

"Babs. Babs," he said, mouthing the name. "I like it. Babs Seed." He nodded his head. "Yes, a good name, that. And, no," he said, looking down at her, "I'm not going to turn you into a mule... At least, not right away..."

Again, he looked away, toward the distant horizon that could be seen piece-mealed through the downtown buildings. He chewed his lower lip, momentarily lost in thought, and completely ignored the sirens that now sounded in the park entrance. Then, he turned back.

"You see Babs, I... I need something from you, something that I alone do not have - CAN not have, in fact - and of which my friend here is completely unaware." Clover gave him a look, confused at first, that transformed into one of ticked off impatience. Babs looked at him with a complete lack of understanding. "Oh, don't blame him, my dear, he's... from another world and, frankly, does not understand how Equestria works at its base level."

Before he could expound, all three turned at the sounds of hoofbeats and clanking. They watched as a gaggle of ponies dressed in blue came running down the path, one running with his mouth in an "o" and making a rising and falling siren sound. He kept it up until one of the other ponies finally smacked him. Clover turned and squared up, ready to start tossing ponies like barrels down an incline, but just as the first came at him and he rared back to ground-pound... he kept on going. He tumbled over backward as the ground between the edge of the pond and the approaching ponies erupted in a writhing mass of eldritch vines that stretched the pond's circumference. Unable to stop himself, Clover rolled all the way back into the water, spurting as he surfaced.

As the dust settled and the final airborne clods of dirt bounced into the grass, the ducks quacked their indignation at all the commotion and went back to randomly shoving their heads in the water.

"Ah, yes. Can't be bothered just yet, can we?" Discord said, turning to Babs. He leaned over to watch Clover rising on a magically-propelled jet of water, blowing sprays of mist from the air sacs on his head. "So sorry," he said, "didn't mean to surprise you like that. Comfortable?" Clover just gave him a nod and another irritated look, then turned away to stare at the living wall.

"Wha-what did you mean..." Babs began quietly, and Discord looked over. "What did you mean when you said he's from another world?" She nodded in Clover's direction, the fear on her face now underlined with curiosity.

"Well, Clover here... is... ah, how to put this," he waved his paw in the air, "...he's what you might call an alien, although that term may not be one you're familiar wi..."

Babs was looking at him blankly.

"As I thought. Not alien, then." Discord leaned over to Clover, who was again staring at him. He tried another route. "This is a world completely unto itself, you see. One planet out of an oodleplex of oodleplexes, whi..."

Now Clover was giving him a blank look. Discord sighed and rubbed his temples.

"Oookaaay. Square one." He thought for a moment, looking back and forth between his two unwitting students. "This planet exists. Fact?" He looked into their eyes, awaiting a response. Babs glanced over at Clover, then timidly raised a hoof. "Yes?" Discord asked, pleased that at least one of them was trying.

"Umm..." She fidgeted on her chair. "What's a planet?"

Not for the first time since he was brought back from existence as a statue (this time, at least), Discord marveled at the ignorance of these damned technicolor ponies and mourned his fate that he had been forced to live amongst them. He mentally face-palmed and then collected himself.

"Okay, back to square one. Again. Where you live is..."

A rock sailed out of the blue and hit him on the head.

"The fuck, man!" Discord stood up, glaring out past the vines. "Alright, which one of you ass-hats threw that?!"

"Give up, Discord! We know you're in there! We've got you surrounded!" A voice answered.

"Well, duh! Of course you know I'm in here! You saw me raise the wall!" he yelled back, then muttered. "Frickin' idiots..."

"Yeah, well..." there was a susurration of whispers and low talking, and then a different voice said, "Look, the Elements are on their way, we all know how this is going to end, so why don't you just drop the wall, come on out and let your hostages go? We'll be nice! Well, mostly..."

Discord looked at Clover with a smirk and mouthed, 'they think you're a hostage?!' He shook his head and said, "How dumb do they think I am? There's no way they could've got a hold of those six this quickly. It's not like they have phones or, hell, even telegraph wires..."

Babs and Clover just gave him blank stares. Discord just shook his head.

The voice from the other side spoke up, as if reading Discord's thoughts. "And yes, they are actually on their way. The Applewood police department has a dragon in its ranks!" The speaker sounded slightly proud of that little fact.

"Ooh, damn." Discord nodded. "Yup. Got me with that. Thrice damned dragon magic! It's the one thing I haven't been able to figure out on this Gamera-damned world!" he said, mostly to himself.

Clover and Babs were eyeballing him again, clearly not keeping up.

"Dragon magic!" he said, slightly exasperated. "Direct link straight to the princess..." His eyes grew wide. "And with Celestia out of the way, it would have defaulted to Luna, who's probably pissed at me for... which means... whoop! Change of plans! We are officially getting out of here!"

"What!? Discord, what are you..." SPLASH. Clover pulled himself out of the muck-filled edge of the pond where he'd fallen when he stood up and off the water jet. He looked around for Discord, spotting him skipping down the disappearing steps with Babs firmly in his grasp. He opened his mouth to speak, but Discord just reached down and planted him firmly on his feet, saying, "No time. We are moving. NOW."

The command in his tone was such that Clover could not even think of disobeying. Discord lifted the bulk of the pond into battering ram shape, and positioned it near the vines.

"When I say go, start running. I'm going to lower the vines in that section, use the water to clear our path, and then..." That's as far as he got before a streak of rainbow colors knocked him on his ass. His lost his hold on both the water and Babs, sending them falling to the grass.

"Think again, Dick-cord!" a snide voice said from off to the side. Clover looked over and took in the multihued pony standing before him, chest puffed out and a cocky smile on her face.

"Rainbow Dash!" Babs breathed, relief washing over features.

A flash of purple light bloomed just to the mare's left, and suddenly there were five more ponies standing there, legs akimbo and ready for anything. Clover just gaped in confusion.

A purple pony wearing a crown and sporting both wings and a horn stepped forward and said, "No more do-overs, Discord! This time is final!"

As the ponies moved into positions, Babs looked up and squealed, "Cuz!"

An orange pony in the back, wearing a hat and suddenly looking very surprised, stepped to the side and yelled, "Babs!? What the hay are y'all doing here?" She turned to Discord, rage blooming on her face. "What have you done to her, you... you monster!?"

"Ah ha," Discord said meekly, then pointed at Clover. "No, see, HE'S the monster. I'm just a demi-god." Even facing defeat he couldn't help but be flippant.

"Enough! This ends here, Discord!" the purple one said, her wings flaring to the sides as she reached out with her magic and picked up both Clover and Babs. She floated them closer to the group, and a pale yellow pony with wings ran up to them, saying, "Hush, you poor dears. You'll be okay, you're safe now."

The multi-colored one moved over to the others as they arranged themselves into a circle. Discord sighed and slumped his shoulders. "Well, it was a good run." His voice dropped and he said with a hint of hope in his voice, "Maybe they'll actually kill me this time..."

The winged pony next to Clover had tears in her eyes. She turned towards the demi-god and said softly, "I'm so sorry, Discord..."

Discord just nodded to her as she closed ranks with the others.

Clover couldn't believe it. More had happened in the last 30 seconds than he could actually keep up with, and he found himself growing more and more confused by the second. All he really knew was that these six ponies were going to hurt - maybe even kill? - the only other being who'd ever been nice to him in this world. He watched as a strange light began to grow around them, connecting them to each other as they were lifted into the air. Discord gave him a small smile, then mouthed one word to him; 'sorry.'

And in an instant, like a curtain being opened and light being let into a long-dark room, Clover knew he had to do something.

He looked around the ground by his feet for something to throw. Nothing. Not even a rock spoiled the grass in this perfect little world where only ponies were truly accepted. He suddenly hated this world; hated everything it represented. With a roar, he bounded to his feet and rushed the six ponies. Through the descending haze, he managed to focus on the purple one with the crown. Even he knew that a crown signified importance, and that somehow, if he could reach her before they did whatever they were going do, he might be able to stop it.

He might be able to save Discord.

As he ran up behind the purple pony, the energies from the other five connected into a ring and began fervently funneling into her, the auras around each pony pulsing with untold power. The air around them darkened as ambient light was drawn into the brewing conflagration. He clasped his claws into a double fist, raising them over his head.

Then he entered the magic field.

Time slowed around him. His vision grew dark as the very light waves were bent out of shape. He watched magical discharges spark off his skin with all the speed of a rising sun. He watched, desperation welling up inside of him, as the magical energy began to arc forth from the crown on the pony's head, gaining speed even as he slowed down.

Then, with a pop, time reverted itself.

A rainbow-colored lance leapt out into the suddenly bright day, the six ponies at its nexus fully caught up in its surge. At the same time, Clover's hands came down on the crowned head, snapping the jeweled tip off and driving the pony to the ground. As the purple pony crumpled before him, the suddenly unfocused magical energy snapped back, nowhere to go but to retrace its paths back to the sources. As one, the other five ponies cried out in pain as the unspent power exploded into them, crackling off their coats and arcing back and forth from node to node. With a final, reality-rending shriek of raw, elemental fury, the five Bearers turned to ash, their necklaces falling to the soft earth below.

As the last traces of magical energy boiled away into the afternoon light, Babs began to scream.

Chapter the Third: Luna on the loose.

::Three days earlier::

Night fell, quite unaided, on Canterlot. On this clear spring night, like every other night, Luna disappeared quietly from the grounds of the castle proper and sequestered herself in a lone tower at the top of the mountain. She did this under the pretense of "raising the moon;" a concept which always made her giggle - when nopony was watching, of course.

Even now, just thinking back on it brought on a fit of chuckles and a shake of her head. That one drunken night, countless years ago - long, long before her brief stint as Nightmare Moon. Back then it was just she and Cele, two regular ponies (she a pegasus and her sister a unicorn) with no responsibilities and nothing to tie them down; nothing to do, in fact, but wander the land (well, nothing they wanted to do; work was just that: work).

They had been sitting in a little inn in a hovel of a town that was nowadays the glittering jewel of Manehattan. Bored and drunk, she had bet her older sister that Celestia couldn't make up a ridiculous lie and pass it off as the truth. She'd meant it as a small prank, something to make the night go by a bit faster and possibly provide a laugh or two. She hadn't expected what came next. Celestia had risen to the challenge quite admirably and, with a wicked grin on her lips, took a swig of her ale and immediately began spinning her tale. With a bard's silver tongue and a conpony's penchant for obfuscation and spinning half-truths, she unraveled a story of missing crowns, magical daggers and neurotic step-daughters. Her fellow bar patrons, and Luna as well, sat entranced by the faux-autobiography unfolding before them. With a deftness of mind that would end up serving her quite well on the throne in later years, she ended her tale on one indubitable, yet completely unfounded point: that the world revolved, quite literally, around the two sisters having a quiet drink in a dinky little hamlet in bufu Equestria.

Amazingly, the audience bought it - hook, line and sinker. Even Luna found herself swept up in its surge, and she'd been there; it was her life after all, and she was quite sure that none of that had ever happened. It dawned on her that Cele had spun the tale with magic; not quite cheating, but... well, Cele owed her a drink now, that was for sure.

Given their sun and moon cutie marks (completely coincidental, and a most amusing story in itself), most ponies found it hard to neigh-say the unicorn's claim - the sisters had swept into town just that evening, strangers to its inhabitants, unknown by anypony around. They had a certain mystery about them, and the townsponies had been whispering about the two ever since the first sighting. Maybe it was the way they spoke, or the worldly look in their eyes; or maybe, on this one night in particular, it was a combination of those and an abundance of liquid stupidity. All anypony could say for sure was that they'd never heard a more truthful and soul-jerking story. By the time morning had come, the little hamlet was abuzz with the news: the two mares were no doubt of Equestria's long-lost, and very much fabled, royal bloodline! Some ponies even took it further; the they were alicorns in disguise - Goddesses - and were the sole reason Equestria even had the blessings of night and day. To the ponies around them, the simple fact was this; Celestia brought the day, Luna, the night, and together they brought life to the land.

Luna took a moment to reflect on the inherent gullibility of ponykind.

By the time Luna had allegedly raised the pale satellite into the darkening sky that next evening, any town within a day's flight was getting the news and wondering if it could be true. As more ponies heard it, they found themselves dumbfounded and enraptured by the idea of living goddesses.

Luna considered that Cele might have spun the tale with a bit too much magic. She always had been talented, if a little brash, perhaps not knowing her own strength sometimes.

Everywhere the story went, the residual magic wound itself into ponies' brains like a catchy song. Everypony had trouble not believing it, and, what's more, felt the need to flesh out the story a little more each time. The more ponies who repeated it, the more powerful the magic grew. By the time the news reached the far shores, it had become more than just the rumor it had been when it left the hamlet; it had become History.

Hark, hark, all ye ponies, it screamed, the Bloodline has returned, the Crowns are made flesh once more! They are merciful and benign but, more importantly, can destroy your mind and body with a look, so watch what you say, hear?

Come the following morning, they were princesses. Unofficial, yes, unwitting, maybe; but the lie had become truth.

When they'd arrived at the next town and seen the gathering crowds, Cele had leaned over to her younger sister and with a cocky smile had whispered, "Was that good enough?"

Luna smiled at that memory as she climbed the tower stairs, pinpoints of light from distant suns and planets showing through the narrow window slits.

Even now, in this age of reason and scientific discovery, nopony knew, or even seemed to realize, with the exception of a few, that the sun and moon needed no help with their cyclical performances. Only a few ponies had ever even come to that conclusion over those last few thousand years; learned ponies, mostly, as well as a few shyster who'd gotten lucky with their guesses. Luna had tried to persuade Celestia to just brush them off, but the older sister had been set on hushing them up. A greased wheel turns more smoothly than a mad, ranting one, she'd always say. For the most part, offers of money or seats of power in far corners of the kingdom had kept the peace, but a few had required... special considerations. That whore-son of a stallion Starswirl the Bearded was one; he'd demanded nothing less than a full directorship at Celestia's school, as well as unfettered access to the keep's untapped magical potentialities. The chaotic spirit who called himself Discord was another; she and Cele had been forced to turn him to stone when he refused to cooperate and had subsequently threatened their rule of Equestria. Cele had only brought him back under the condition that he never tell anypony the truth, under pain of re-petrification - a threat which apparently worked, as Discord had not uttered a word of it since, even to that pegasus pen-pal of his, ThunderThighs or whatever her name was. Mayhap a millennium of immobility was too horrid a fate for him to consider returning to. At any rate, nopony had tried it since she'd come back from the moon, but Luna had an inkling that Celestia's current protege, Twilight Sparkle, probably had her suspicions. She was certainly clever enough. Luna fervently hoped it wouldn't go past that.

None of them, however, came close to matching the sisters' first challengers on the subject.

It was about a month after the wildfire that was Celestia's story had ravaged Equestria. As they were seeking out a proper site for their castle to be built, they were cornered by three ponies, appearing in the night like a bad dream. They stole into their camp and easily passed undetected the brand new and completely inexperienced "Royal Guard."

Luna awoke to a gruff voice in her ear. It said, simply, "You scream, you die."

What had followed was the most bizarre night of either sisters' lives. The stallion with the hard voice spoke first, calling them out on their lie and demanding to know how, and why, Luna and Celestia had bamboozled an entire country into believing such an outlandish story. The explanation gave them pause, and they talked amongst themselves for a time, all the while casting glances at the two. Eventually, having reached a consensus, they approached again the terrified mares sitting huddled together for protection on one cot.

In the darkness it was hard to make them out and they seemed much bigger than they actually were. Then a mare's voice, clear as a bell in the silence of the tent, spoke up.

"You," she said, speaking to Celestia, "are obviously quite the magician to have woven such an advanced mass hypnia spell into your story."

"A what?" Celestia had asked, her voice tinged with nervous confusion.

There was a silence, and when the mare spoke again, Luna thought she heard a smile in her voice. "Perfect," she whispered to the other two, then turned back. "We have a proposition for you. One that will change your lives.

"Forever."

Luna was still climbing. Why Cele had been so set in her ways about making this tower the highest point in the land, Luna didn't know. Perhaps Cele thought it would help the look of the thing; the two princesses mounting the summit to begin their heavenly duties. Cele had also been adamant that they not fly to the top, but rather hoof it up all 1000 steps. She made sure, however, that it was a widely known 'secret' that they did this, saying she felt that the populace knowing they had ritual to their obligation would only aid in cementing the two alicorns in their power.

Luna didn't really mind anyways. Being immortal meant you hardly ever got tired. Plus, since the tower was designed with wide sloping windows stretching the entirety of the outside wall of the stairwell, she got a beautiful 360 degree view of Equestria every time she climbed it.

Luna finally reached the top of the tower and, closing the door behind her, settled into a cushion in front of a low table. She shared a greeting with the ponies sitting before her, then pulled a thrice-folded cardboard display from a shelf underneath, placing it open on its edge between herself and the others. Following that came a black, clunky bag, a sheaf of notes and piece of folded paper with grid lines on it.

As she was setting up, the ponies at the table resumed their conversation.

"I honestly can't believe you, Berry. How many times is that this month?" asked an amber unicorn stallion with a gruff voice.

"Hey, it wasn't my fault!" the mulberry earth mare answered. "That whore-hopper with the quaff started it! S'not my fault he ducked when I threw my drink at him..."

"Sure, but you didn't have to take a swing at the bartender when he asked you to leave."

"C'mon, Joe, he wanted me to leave before I got into a fight!"

The pegasus at the far end of the table fixed her with a wall-eyed stare and asked, "...and?"

"And? AND?! Derpy, it's insulting! I don't start fights!" She looked over at the snickering stallion and frowned. "Oh, shut it!"

"So I suppose you bucking the table over on that mare last month wasn't starting a fight?" he asked, his face as innocent as he could make it.

"And what about the time you sent that table a round of cement mixers cuz they wouldn't 'stop looking at you'?" Derpy added.

Berry just stared at the two with her mouth open, then put her hooves on her face and shook her head. "I just... I just don't know why I try sometimes..."

Luna looked up from her notes and eyed the poor mare. "Far be it from me to say it, but maybe you should tone it down a little? You're going to draw attention to yourself if you keep this up..."

"Great Gamera, not you too..." Berry shook her head. "Look, we all have eternity to face, just let me face it the way I want... with alcohol. And pranks. And..." she rolled her head back, thinking of a way to phrase what came next. "...aggressively engaging other parties with whom I have an issue or who, themselves, have issues with how I act."

"Right," Derpy said, nodding her head. "Not fighting at all. See, Joe?"

Joe opened his mouth to say something, but Berry shot him a look that promised pain if he did.

"Fine, fine," he said, acquiescing to the earth mare. He looked over at Luna, who arched her eyebrows. "Shall we start, then?"

"When you're all ready," she replied. "Berry? Derpy?"

The two mares nodded, Berry with a smile that said she was glad to move on. Derpy just started picking through the dice in front of her, separating them into piles.

Luna stretched her wings and settled into her seat. "Now... I believe that when we left off you were just picking up the pieces from the fight on the airship?"

"Oh, yeah!" Derpy's face lit up. "I zapped that SharkWing right out of the air before it crashed into the ship! That was sweet..."

"Yeah, and I believe you mentioned that the NaZibra captain had a certain map in his quarters...?" Joe added, winking at Berry.

Berry's eyes grew as she remembered. "Uh-huh, you sure did," Berry confirmed, a devious smile growing on her face. "I DEFINITELY remember that."

Luna groaned and shuffled her notes around, muttering, "I never should have told you about that damned stronghold legend."

"Well, technically it was the gypsy bard who told us..." Derpy began, then looked up and saw everypony staring at her. "What? She sang that song, remember? You even put a silver dock in her rump-sack, Hugo," she added, pointing a hoof at Joe. Derpy was adamant about staying in character once the game started.

"Right! Sorry," he told her. He started muttering quietly to himself. "Hugo, Hugo. Think Hugo. BE Hugo."

Joe, on the other hoof, had trouble being anypony but himself - which was not usually a social survival trait when one is immortal.

"Anyways..." Luna broke in, "you've just finished off the last of the NaZibra's air regiment aboard the Zephyr Zeitgeist, secured the tiller, and are on a course for the NaZibra's base in the Pertanniac Mountains. You've a six hour flight ahead, what do you now?"

Derpy picked up a die. "I search the bodies!" Her hoof came down to toss it...

And the stairwell door burst open, bouncing off the stone wall with a crash as a panting castle guard galloped into the room.

Luna stood up, fury on her face. "What is the meaning of this intrusion!? We are..." she faltered, then recovered, "...in council!"

The guardspony saluted and inhaled in one go, his chest heaving. "Princess! Your sister!" he wheezed.

Luna's look of rage quickly became one of consternation. "What! What of her? What's wrong?! Speak, pony! Tell us where my sister is!" Now worried, the Canterlot voice was in full effect.

"She... one of the... night guards..." he huffed and puffed, "they found her in the old palace throne room... collapsed! She's barely breathing!"

Luna was on the balcony and launching herself into the sky before the guard had finished. With a crook of her wings, she dive-bombed straight to the nearest castle entrance.

Back up in the top room of the tower, the guard finally spared a glance at the table, confusion on his face as he took everything in. Then he keeled over.

As he stared up at the three ponies who ran to his side, he gasped, "Why in Tartarus... is this tower... so damned tall?"

Author's Note

My apologies for the inconsistent updates. I recently got a job as a cook on a cruise line, and it's a 12+ hours a day/seven days a week gig, so I don't have much free time. I have more planned, the story is still on, and I actually have an idea for a short one-shot type story, so I should have more up soon.

Thanks for your patience!