I want my MUFFINS!

by xXQw3rtyXx

Rating: everyone
Tags: Rainbow Dash, Comedy, Derpy Hooves, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 3404

Never, EVER, take Derpy's secret muffin stash.

A sunny day, where everything was fine. Rainbow Dash, stupid as she is, decided to take Derpy's secret muffin stash. Now, all of Equestria has to deal with Derpy's epic rage, and maybe a hidden power?

Published 2013-03-24 09:00:02 UTC
Last updated 2013-03-25 00:53:12 UTC

Good Day Muffins!

*Ding*

Derpy opened the flap of his 3 foot by 2 foot box. The bell nearly hit her this time, but she learned that the bell was placed right above her head, kinda.

"Hello Derpy!" The second mailmare dropped off a box besides her currnet one, even larger than the one she was living him.

"Eh?" Derpy read the card, "Made in Trottingham." "Eh?" Derpy said again. She opened the extremely large box, to find herself immediantly indulged in dozens apon dozens of muffins. First reaction, "Eh?"

She took the box, and placed it in a hole under a boulder. The boulder hasn't been touched in centuries. A legend states that Chrysalis was born there.

It had just struck dawn. Shafts of light were just peaking over the hills, and then it stopped.

"Eh?"

For one of the only times in her life, her eyes alined, and stared where the sun should have been. Derpy already knew something was wrong, and a second later, she was halfway to Canterlot.

Derpy burst into the door, and ran straight into Luna. "Sorry Luna!" She quickly said, and flew off. "Okaay? Hi?" Luna said, puzzled.

Derpy knew exactly where Celestia would be. She raced up onto the balcony, where Celestia was standing. "Give it back, give it back!" Celestia was yelling down the side of the balcony. Derpy looked over Celestia's shoulder, and saw that a squirrel had ahold of her beloved custom P-Box 720 MOD F29 ZX controller. Luna had given it to her as a birthday present. What Derpy was confused with is; how is the squirrel hanging onto the side?

"Excuse me Celestia! But what happened to the sun?" Derpy asked. This startled the princess, and she herself nearly fell off the balcony, tripping, thus losing hold of the controller, and the squirrel and the controller plummetted 70 feet, and were crushed by gravity. "Awww! That controller cost my sister... umm... actually, the shopkeeper gave it to her for free," Celestia groaned, "oh hi Derpy, I'm having a bad day." Celestia lie down. "What day? Day hasn't even started yet," Derpy stated like it was the most obvious thing in the world. "I guess you're right, Derpy," Celestia stood up, and finished raising the sun. Derpy watched in awe as the princess of all beings rose up on her hind legs, and seemed like she was taller than the tallest oak tree in the Everfree Forest.

After she was finished, she merely left out the door, "Goodbye, Derpy, please do well!" "Eh?" Derpy muttered yet once again. She took one step forward, and tripped on a rainbow football just lying around. She barreled over, and kept rolling. She rolled to the staircase, and began tumbling down it, and passed Luna, "Derpy? You need some help?" Derpy just kept on rolling. She hit the bottom floor, got up, and said, "Eh?" By now, she had a bruise on her upper forehead, and right hind leg. She had also managed to scratch herself on a pillow. She licked the scratch, knowing from previous knowledge that saliva's acid can help heal an open wound. The scratch started to burn, and sizzle. Derp just merely had a poker face and said, "Eh?"

She flew on home, ran into several trees, a rock, and many MANY bushes. She even found Doc Whooves hiding in a bush, and they had some, "fun". She also managed to run into Carrot Top, and also had some "fun" with her. You could say that today was Derpy's very, VERY, lucky day.

She got back to the box she lived in, way out in the outlands, slightly beyond the borders of PonyVille. No one ever came here, atleast not much. Derpy once saw Trixie running around, jabbing a spear at no apparent target, and even stifled a laugh when she accidentally stabbed herself in the hoof. There was a lot of cussing that day.

Derpy switched the radio to her favorite channel. The song was playing, her favorite, "There was a time, when I looked into my father's eyes. In a happy home, I was the king I had a golden throne, throne. Those days are gone, now the memories on the wall. I still hear the sounds, from the places where I was born. Up on a hill across a blue lake, where I had my first heartbreak, I still remem--" "Eh?" Derpy said again. Then the music started again as suddenly as it stopped. She saw a shadow, the shape of a pegasus, fly over her. She looked up, but didn't see anything.

Suddenly remembering about her muffins, Derpy kicked over a rock that was in her way, hurt her hoof, and dashed over to the boulder. She pushed it aside like it was the last thing she was ever going to push over. Her excitment, her hunger, her happiness and joy, vanished when she saw the the muffins were gone. First reaction, "Eh?" Second reaction, "THE CURSE IS TRUE!!! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!!" Of course, she was screaming to no one, and there wasn't even anypony nearby.

She pushed herself into the hole where she kept her muffins, searched around, looking for anywhere they might have slid. She found a single muffin, a single, whole wheat, low sugar, raisin muffin. She downed it immediantly, nearly choking to death. Third reaction, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!"

Her joy turned to grief, her grief turned to sadness, her sadness turned to vengeance, her vengeance turned to rage. A scream louder and higher pitched than anypony has every heard, rocked Equestria. All the way up to Fillydelphia heard it. Twilight was in the middle of a chemistry project, and the test tubes broke, and her library litterally exploded. Rainbow Dash was watching the latest on EFL; Equestria Football Leage, and the TV screen broke, making her drop the muffins she was eating. Rarity's sewing machine went wild, and plunged deep into her hoof several times. The third loudest and high pitched scream occured now, also. Applejack attempted to buck an apple tree, missed, and planted her feet right into Big Mac's confused face. Fluttershy was massaging a bear, accidentally got her leg stuck into the bears mouth, and the bear accidentally closed the mouth. The second largest scream now happened. Pinkie Pie was in the middle of writing poetry, and she broke her quill. Scratch the previous one, this was the second loudest scream. Colgate was in the middle of making a new toothpaste, and got the predeveloped serum on her face. Her mane was burning off now. She screamed the fourth loudest scream in existance. Celestia wondered what was going on, and decided to scream with them. Her scream was gorgeous, the sound of an opera singer. All the screaming died down, except one; Derpy's. She kept on screaming, and a rock fell onto Celestia's head, and she blacked out. It was a big rock, about the size of a sweet potato. Vinyl was making some music, and accidentally misvamped a piece of music. She threw down the disc, and kicked the bass amp. She broke her hoof. Derpy, had injured nine ponies in less than half a second, kinda.

This is why, you don't take her muffins. Dagnabbit!

Author's Note

Lawl, "fun" XD
If you know what I mean <:3

YUS, YUS, I KNOWZ, Pinkie Pie's hobby in this story is poetry. LAWLAWL.

Hunt for the Muffin Bandit

Derpy trotted about Ponyville, watching as dozens of ambulances drove about, picking up any pony who might have been injured. She felt kind of sorry, but her anger to whoever took her muffins overcame her sorrow. She flew here and there, looking for whoever stole her muffins. She passed Rainbow Dash, who was hiding in a tree, snickering as Derpy flew about, flying into trees and rocks every couple seconds.

"Derpy, so stupid! AHAHAHAHA!" Dash watched as Derpy flew into a stone pillar, and cracked it. "No wonder she's an idiot," Dash pondered. She had Derpy's muffins with her, quietly munching on them, like this was some first row seats in an ampitheater. Derpy looked Dash's direction, and Dash had nothing to do, but stick her head back into the leaves. She moved some leaves, and created a small eyehole for her to peep through. Lucky for her, Derpy had not spotted Dash's rainbow colored mane.

After another five minutes of hysterical laughing and hiding, Dash decided to fly back up to her floaty mansion thing. She couldn't watch TV, so she decided to take out the old laptop that had been in her closet for a couple months. She dusted off the rainbow cover, and saw her faded face looking at her, a huge smile on the snout. Dash lyed down on her cloud bed. She opened the cover, and switched the machine on. Dash opened an internet browser, and saw that the recent screaming was a headline. She watched live video coverage. They were doing an interview with Twilight, who was lying down, bandages around her forehead and hooves, a cast on her right hind leg, and she was on a stretcher. The newscaster held the microphone by Twilight's snout, "It was the loudest thing I ever heard, five times. It was so random, then, my lab slash treehouse slash library thing just exploded when all the glass in the room broke. I guess the nitrogen oxide mixed with lithium does not combine with oxygen, and about the other 50 liquid elements around it." They turned the camera to Big Mac, with a mask on him. Applejack was trotting besides him as they pushed the stretcher along, and kept saying sorry. They came to Rarity, who was applying bandages around her injured hoof. "I have absolutely no idea what that was, and I don't think I want to," Rarity said, blinking her eyelashes a couple at the camera. This, this is exactly the kind of thing Dash hated. Fluttershy was on next. She seemed to be missing an arm, but really, it was behind her. She was crying, alot. Dash was surprised that she hadn't ran out of liquids yet. The camera was on her, and she kicked it with her hind legs. The screen was on that screen with rainbow bars going horizontal and vertical with the black bar in the middle that said, "Sorry, but we have techinal issues right now." A couple minutes passed, and Dash just stared at the screen, thinking how very wrong she sinned. She grabbed the box of Derpy's muffins, and downed some more. The live footage came back on. It was Vinyl now, with Octavia next to her. She seemed to have a broken hoof, above all things, a turn table, "Save my Harry! Please! He was my favorite! It should have been me! IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN ME! ME I SAY!!! MEEE!!!!" Vinyl was groveling on the dirt, weird how she did that when she had a broken hoof. The newscaster and her cameraman walked away from that melodramatic scene, and further described the damages. Trottingham, apparently where these muffins were made, was on fire, and Sweet Apple Acres no longer had a barn. Derpy ran into the camera, said sorry, and flew off. She had many injuries from running into stuff.

Dash slammed the cover of her laptop, and threw it into a corner, where it broke, and Dash left it to rot. She felt sad, all the damage she did. "But Trottingham Muffins are the best!" Dash whined. She om nommed the rest of it, and crushed the box, and threw it out the window. "Why me? What did I ever do?" Dash closed her eyes, and instantly fell asleep. She dreamed that Derpy found out that she stole the muffins, and Derpy dropped Dash off a cliff. Dash had no wings, and couldn't fly. She shot up in bed right before she hit the ground, and hit her head on a something above her. Derpy was standing over here, blocking the morning daylight.

"AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!" Dash screamed like a little filly, "oh, just you, whew." Then, her heart started to race once she realized why she might be here, but she Derpy didn't look angry at all.
"Uhh... Derpy? Why are you here?" Dash asked. Derpy held up the box of the muffins. Dash's heart raced faster. "My box of muffins fell on me, but it was empty. It fell from the sky, so I'm asking you if you've seen any pegasus eating any muffins?" She looked down at Dash, her eyes unalined, yet she still seemed to see perfectly. "Uhhh... nope!" Dash blurted out, and quickly dashed away. She flew right through the wall of her mansion thing.

"Whew, that was close!" Dash brushed a sweat off her forward as she rested on a fluffy cloud. She took off a chunk of the cloud, and threw it at somepony. The pony looked up, and Dash saw it wasn't a pony, or atleast, didn't think it was. The face was all shadowy, then again, it had no face. This was stranger than the time Cadence pulled that mean prank on her, and made her rage. The "thing" looked away, and kept on trotting. "What the?" Dash rubbed his head, "oh well." She kept throwing puffs of cloud at ponies. Most ponies thought it tickled, and felt good. Others said that it would kill them if she kept throwing it at people. She pulled off another chunk, almost through it, and saw that there was a muffin lodged on a side of the puff. It dawned on her, she forgot to eat one. She quickly stuffed the puff with the muffin deep down her throat.

Dash saw Derpy beating up a random pegasus, probably accused of stealing her muffins. She saw, with her expert eyesight, that the certain pegasus had some breadcrumbs around his snout. After Derpy finished beating her up, she beat up the next pegasus that flew by. Dash had to fix this, now, but how?

She had to come up with a plan, before everyone died by Derpy.

Author's Note

If you noticed the part about the strange pony, and about the part of Cadence pranking Dash, you'll probably realize (if you read my other stories) that you've read about that before. All my stories will be related to atleast one other from now on.

YAY A PIC!

Raisins? Or Chocalate Chips?

Dash planned to go to Trottingham, and buy some more muffins. She took 500 bits with her, and flew away, right before Derpy arrived in her room.

"Eh?" Derpy tilted her head. She left, and dropped down. Derpy saw yet another pony eating a muffin, and beat her up, and took the muffin. "WHERE ARE MY MUFFINS?!" Derpy yelled. The pony below her was unconcious. She threw the pony 20 feet, and watched as the pony hit its head on a rock, then the cold hard ground. "Nope," Derpy checked Pony #9182 off her list. There was only one left; Celestia. Derpy immediantly checked her off the list, knowing that she, above all others, wouldn't take her muffins. The threw the list down, and cried. Derpy cried and cried, and cried, and didn't seem like she would stop. A crowd gathered around her, and Doctor Whooves steeped up, "Hey, Derpy? You wanna find out who took your muffins? Tardis is recalibrated! Fascinating how fast I did that, it felt like a couple hours, but it really was a couple seconds. Ahahahaa, fascinating world this is. Peculiar how you all exis..." Derpy looked up, "Really? Thank you Doc!!" Derpy kissed him, and flew away. Doc was left in the crowd, blushing. All the other people swooned, others laughed.

Derpy came up to the call box, and entered it. Lighting happened, and everything was dark. "Ooooooo, cool!!" Derpy said in the darkness. She was busy trying to feel the world around her, when everything turned blue again. She opened the door, and it was night. Derpy saw the second malemare trotting, probably going to the post station. She hid behind a rock, remembering that it was fatal to be seen in the past, and watched the second malemare take a package, and trot off. Derpy followed her, frequently hiding behind rocks, the other time, just flying up in the air. She even once hit a cloud with an anvil in it, and hurt her head. "Owee!" she yelled. The other malemare looked up, shrugged, and kept trotting. There were many animals this night, especially since the other malemare was taking a shortcut trough the Everfree Forest, where the clouds moved by themselves. Derpy couldn't rely hiding in the clouds anymore, so she decided to dash from rock to rock.

The other malemare; Kormito, a dark blue coated, turquoise mane, and green eyed unicorn. Kormito trotted into a thrift shop. She was in there for over an hour, and Derpy nearly fell asleep agasint a rock. She played with the dirt, made two hills, and played war. She ended up getting dirt in her eyes, and cried a little before it came out. Derpy was about to kick the dirt, then the shop's door opened. Kormito gallopped out, and Derpy had to gallop at full speed to catch up to her. Derpy contiuned to stalk Kormito for a couple hours. She was beginning to become hungry. Derpy grabbed a couple blueberry muffins, and munched it down. She had just eaten her last muffins.

Kormito arrived at the GEPS (Global Equestrian Postal Service) Office 12. Derpy realized that she didn't have the muffins. She was in there for another hour. Derpy continued to play war. Kormito came out with a large box. The muffins! "Eeek!" Derpy almost screamed out loud, luckily enough, Kormito didn't hear her.

Derpy followed Kormito, and finally arrived at Derpy's cardboard box. She watched as Kormito rang the bell on the box, and as past Derpy opened the box, and narrowly dodged the bell on the box when she opened the flap. Present Derpy watched as past Derpy took the box, and hid it under the boulder. The crack of dawn appeared, and stopped, then past Derpy flew away. Present Derpy sat behind a rock for a couple hours, then a shadowy figure appeard near the boulder. The pony was wearing a cloak. It pushed over the boulder, and the cloak fell off. It was Rainbow Dash. Derpy's anger increased ten fold. How dare Dash lie to her?

After Derpy returned, she looked for Dash, "DASH!!! DASH GET YOUR FAT PLOT OVER HERE! DO IT!! DO IT NOWWW!!!!" Derpy's eyes turned red, and she stated to float. "RAINBOW DASHHH!!!!!!" streeks of blue energy streamed from her cutie mark. Red bolts of lighting shot from her eyes. She was in the center of Ponyville, and a large crowd gathered round. They all got down when the center fountain blew up when a red bolt hit it. Rainbow Dash was pushed to the front of the crowd, and Derpy faced her, eyes red and flaming, energy zapping from her body. "YOU LIED TO MEEE!!!!!" and the the whole ground beneath Derpy caved in, and a bottemless pit appeared below her. "WHERE, ARE, MY, MUFFINSSS?!" Derpy raged." Rainbow Dash, face flushed with fear, took out a box from behind her back, "Right here?" Derpy immediantly calmed down, everything went back to normal, and her normal, happy face reappeared.

"Ok, thanks!" Derpy took the muffins and left.

The whole crowd hoarded Dash, "Uhhh, guys? Not my fault?" She flew up into the sky, into her mansion, and turned the security to max.

"What a week!" Dash screamed into her cloud pillow. She was relieved it was all over, and everything was finally back to normal. Now all she had to do was avoid her friend for the next week.

Derpy was in her cardboard box. Apparently, there was no blueberry muffins in the box. She trifled through them. Coffee, banana cream, extra butter, plain. She asked herself, "Raisins or Choclate Chip?"

The End.

FIN

Author's Note

Short= 1-3 Chapters
Story= 4-8 Chapters
Novel= 9-13 Chapters
Book (I don't think I'll ever get here)=14-20 Chapters.
Series (I KNOW I won't get here, but we'll see)= Either 21+ Chapters, or a collection of STORIES<<<Story=4-8 Chapters.

Another Short :D
I NEED A COVER EDITOR!!!!!!!!