The city of Towns... wait, wrong show. Not that it really matters, honestly. After so much failure, I just know this is where I’ll succeed, and surely the citizens will demand a mind-blowing entrance! Well prepare yourself, Equestria: today’s forecast calls for
A Midsummer’s Showdown!
________________________________________
Twilight turned the page of the book before her, completing yet another chapter. It had been a while since she had a Thursday all to herself, and it promised to be a relaxing one. Just her, a stack of historical texts, the silent company of the library shelves... and the abrupt slamming of the front door.
“Emergency, Twilight! Emergency!”
Twilight removed her reading glasses and groaned to herself. “What is it, Spike? What kind of emergency?”
“You need to see it for yourself!” Spike said. “Just get over to the square! Hurry!” As abruptly as he had appeared, Spike was gone.
Twilight sighed and got up on her hooves, shutting her history book with bookmark in place. Leaving the confines of the library foyer through the front door, Twilight managed to catch a glimpse of Spike scampering into town. She promptly followed suit, wondering why Spike couldn’t have explained the situation back where it was quiet. She then noticed an odd silence about her, and looking around she found nopony in sight. Normally this part of town was bustling with lunch hour traffic, so where was everypony? She pondered this for the next several minutes, but upon reaching the square she got her answer: The whole town had gathered there.
The sudden noise of gossip startled her a little, but she quickly focused and looked for Spike. Spotting a small blotch of purple deep within the crowd, Twilight stepped forward and nudged herself into the tightly-packed herd. With some effort she managed to squeeze into the center of the crowd, whereupon she discovered not only Spike but also Applejack and Rainbow Dash, the pegasus hovering over the other two. Dash was the first out of the group to spot her, and she waved her over.
“Twilight!” Dash called over the din of the crowd. “About time you showed up. Did you hear?”
“Hear about what?” Twilight asked. “What’s going on?”
“It’s bad, Twilight,” Applejack said. “Trixie’s come back.”
Twilight’s eyes widened. “W-what? Since when? What has she done?”
“Nothin’ really,” Applejack replied. “But she’s been rilin’ up everypony by announcin’—”
“A showdown!” proclaimed a boastful voice. “The likes of which you simple town ponies have never witnessed!”
Twilight looked over the crowd and saw the stage built before the meeting hall. It looked similar to Trixie’s old stage, except the curtains were deep red and were adorned with cheap Nightmare Night decorations. What really struck Twilight was Trixie herself, who now wore a green and brown robe instead of a simple cape, though she kept her star-patterned hat. A large rusty cauldron was on stage as well, its bubbling contents being stirred by a ladle wrapped in blue magic.
“Why is she dressed like that?” Twilight asked Applejack.
“I dunno,” Applejack replied. “But she’s been walkin’ and stirrin’ that pot since she pulled in bout fifteen minutes ago, talkin’ ‘bout some showdown.”
“I don’t like this one bit,” Dash said, with forelegs crossed. “It reeks of a revenge plot.”
“If that’s what you suspect, then why haven’t you done something?” Twilight asked.
“We figured we’d get a fourth opinion, so we had Spike get ya,” Applejack replied.
“I say she’s definitely trouble,” Spike said, also with arms crossed. “What do you say, Twilight?”
“Well, I’m not sure—”
“Allow The Great and Powerful Trixie to ease your speculating minds!” Trixie shouted, interrupting Twilight from afar. “You are all, without question, wondering why Trixie has returned to your unremarkable town. The answer to that question is that Trixie has come for a showdown—”
“DUUUUUUH!” shouted Dash.
“...But not just any showdown,” Trixie resumed. “A match of magical mastery, a show of spectacular spell-casting, a duel for dominion of the dark arts, an event that can only be described through unabashed alliteration. Trixie, of course, speaks of the showdown for the title of Equestria’s Ultimate Unicorn, where The Great and Powerful Trixie shall be pitted against her one true rival: Twilight Sparkle!”
The crowd erupted into gasps and wild discussion, just as Twilight’s gut practically somersaulted in shock. “She wants to fight me!?” she blurted out.
“Told you she was trouble,” Spike said.
At that moment Trixie looked in Twilight’s direction and locked eyes with her, a mischievous grin forming beneath her muzzle.
“Ah, it appears the guest of honor has finally arrived,” Trixie said. “Trixie would’ve presented herself at your quaint little library, Twilight, but The Great and Powerful Trixie has a duty as a performer to entertain the masses first and foremost. And before you ask, this stage was bought second-hoof and the decorations make for a decent touch. Aaaand, Trixie is dressed like this because what she has in store for the duel we are to undertake requires something above and beyond the usual Trixie repertoire.”
Twilight was made speechless by Trixie’s preemptive answers. With the eyes of the town turning toward her, she mustered up the will to ask, “How did you know I was thinking about that?”
“Because we are linked, Twilight Sparkle!” Trixie replied with gusto. “Ever since the Ursa Minor drove Trixie from this miserable town, your face and your voice hasn’t left my thoughts, not once! Destiny had woven our fates together that night, and so, The Great and Powerful Trixie has dedicated her heart and soul into making herself a worthy match for our inevitable reunion. One where passion and devotion to our craft is placed on the line, culminating in an explosively melodramatic conclusion, filled with sacrifice and understanding that will shake the very emotional core of the land and beyond!”
The oddly descriptive rant left the crowd uncomfortably silent, though Spike managed to make a circular motion of his hand next to his head.
“Which brings us to today!” Trixie continued, bringing a stop to the stirring ladle. “After much training, The Great and Powerful Trixie is prepared to make her comeback. To absolve herself of the shame from before, Trixie shall use her newfound knowledge of the most obscure arcana to summon forth an otherworldly being, which Trixie and Twilight will do battle with. The one who bests this being will be the winner of the duel, and will henceforth be named the Ultimate Unicorn!”
A wave of murmurs and outcries arose from the townsfolk, whereas Twilight and friends could only look on in disbelief.
“Summon an otherworldly bein’? Has she plum lost her mind?” Applejack asked.
“Obviously she has,” Dash replied.
“Trixie, what you’re saying is outrageous,” Twilight said, loud enough for Trixie to hear. “And what gives you the right to start a duel out of the blue?”
“The Fates, my little bookworm, have given me that right,” Trixie answered with a serious look. “That, and the fact that whatever is summoned with this brew will surely destroy the town if you do nothing. Now Twilight, ready your mind and spirit. The Great and Powerful Trixie will show you the brunt of her refined magic, as well as her unbridled feelings!”
Rearing on her hind legs, the grand-standing unicorn closed her eyes and waved her front hooves in showy meditation.
“By the spirits of darkness and light… In the name of the Great and Powerful Trixie, she hereby summons a fearsome demon to her side to do battle with!”
As Trixie dramatically raised her hooves to the sky, a small black object rolled up to her.
“Hm?”
She had a moment to look at the round object by her leg just before it exploded in a fiery smoke blast. Trixie’s scream filled the air as she and her cauldron were launched from the stage and into the sky, becoming distant specks in mere seconds. Her explosive departure was wholly unnoticed, though, for all eyes were fixated on the cloud of smoke that had engulfed the stage. As the smoke started to thin, a tall silhouette began to appear within.
“Summer’s Greetings, farm animals! Your shining star has finally arrived!” shouted the silhouette.
A breeze blew away the smoke cloud, and standing there for all to behold was a very odd-looking earth pony. She sported a pale-blue hue, a jet-black mane, and wore a white fur-lined coat. Beneath the coat was a black halter top and pants replete with two thick brown belts over the normal belt that she wore, and on her hind legs were a pair of thick black stockings. This bizarre attire was made visible due to the fact that the mare in question was standing on her hind legs. The sight of the unusually-dressed pony produced a wave of “oohs” from the townsfolk.
“Did Trixie transform?” asked a pony in the crowd.
“It’s an otherworldly being...I think,” said another.
“She looks like she’s from another world.”
“Why is she wearing so many layers? It’s summer.”
“Talk about a wardrobe malfunction.”
“So sorry to interrupt your magic show, but a momentous occasion such as this is far more important,” the mystery pony resumed.
“Jus’ who in the hay is that?” Applejack asked.
“It’s no pony I’ve ever seen,” Dash replied.
“Isn’t she uncomfortable standing like that?” Spike asked.
Freakishly enough, Twilight thought the pony looked the pony looked natural standing in such a way.
“You! You must tell me your secret NOW!” cried an excited Lyra from somewhere in the audience.
“Hohohoh, your immediate praise is greatly appreciated, but you are no doubt wondering who this dashing figure standing before you is,” the mystery pony said. “Well wonder no more, for it’s none other than Asagi, the sexy wandering heroine extraordinaire! But to all you horses, I’m your great and beautiful savior!”
“A heroine?”
“How exciting!”
“What’s this about a savior?”
“Did she seriously just call herself sexy?”
“She’s kinda plain for my tastes.”
“What is she on?”
As the crowd grew livelier with speculation, a sense of worry began to fill Twilight.
“What the heck is she talking about, Twilight?” Spike asked. “What kind of savior is she supposed to be?”
“I don’t know, Spike, but I know this: she’s not talking like any pony I’ve met,” Twilight responded.
“Yeah! Where does she get off calling us horses? What pony talks like that?” Dash demanded.
“It is because you are all, indeed, horses!” Asagi promptly replied, much to Dash’s surprise. “Simple beasts of burden are what I see, and easily impressed ones at that.”
“Why don’t you look in a mirror before you start bad-mouthing ponies, you hypocrite!” Dash said.
“I’m merely following this reality’s rules on appearances. But as they say, ‘appearances can be deceiving’,” Asagi said. “From my very stance alone, you can clearly see the vast amount of skill, beauty, and grace that I hold. I have traveled and fought in many dangerous worlds, defeated warriors and monsters by the thousands, and now I have come to this backwater universe to make this pony-infested land my own, so the very least you can do is collapse out of sheer gratitude.”
“Wow, I’m starting to think Trixie really did transform,” Spike said.
“Is that so?” Dash asked the overly-dressed pony. “All I see is some loud-mouth freak pony that tries dressing like a big shot.”
“Oh, I’m the freak? That’s rich, coming from the horse with wings and a rainbow mane. Seriously, not even anime uses a dye that atrocious,” Asagi said.
“Well my mane’ll look awesome after I rip yours out!” Dash said before shooting off for the stage. However, Applejack was quick to snag Dash’s tail with her mouth.
“Cool it, Dash! She’s jus’ talkin’ like a foal, and nothin’ more,” the farm pony said through gritted teeth.
“Gaaah, just let me at her, AJ! She’s so annoying!” Dash whined.
“It seems we’re getting off on the wrong hand, or hoof, as it were,” Asagi resumed. “And as you are all part of a show for little children, I’ll keep things simple and right to the point. As I said earlier, I have come here to make myself the heroine of your world, but not just any run-of-the-mill heroine. I am talking of the most important role of all: Main Character!”
The crowd murmured vigorously over the statement.
“That’s right; this is no mere visit, no mere guest appearance, and certainly not your average cameo! I am here to enact the twelfth revision of ‘Operation: Asagi Dawn’ by becoming the main character of this franchise!”
“Franchise? Cameo? What is she going on about, Twilight?” Spike asked, only to get a thoroughly confused shrug from Twilight.
“I think there might be something deeply wrong with her,” Twilight replied.
“But I cannot simply assume the title of main character, my little ponies. I have to earn it,” Asagi continued. “To become the main character you all rightly deserve, I must defeat this realm’s current title-holder, and thereby bring in a new age of prosperity rife with Asagi! As luck would have it, the main character is here in your very midst, and is none other than…” She paused a moment to scan the audience, then pointed one of her front legs straight at Twilight. “You!”
For perhaps the fourth time that hour, gasps filled the air as everypony turned to look at Twilight, who looked back at Asagi with dismay.
“M-me?” she asked.
“No doubt about it! Your eyes hold that same fire as all the others I’ve faced!” Asagi declared. “You should be thanking me; I saved you the torture of grinding several hundred levels just to meet me. You won’t believe the number of casual gamers who would give anything to be in your shoes right now, er, horseshoes!”
“That girl’s completely insane,” Applejack remarked.
“Oh-hoh, yes, I’m insane: insanely ecstatic for the life-and-death struggle to come!”
Asagi reached her forehooves into her coat and withdrew a pair of polished handguns, causing another shocked outcry from the audience.
“Sweet Celestia, she’s got a gun!”
“Panic!”
“How is she even holding them?” Spike asked.
“Yet another of my amazing talents; I don’t even need fingers to pull the triggers, either!” Asagi bragged before bringing up her guns menacingly. “The day of reckoning for this world’s hero has come, and the latest and most brilliant chapter in the Asagi saga shall be penned. Only this time, it will end in glorious victory!”
Swinging her legs around, the mare fired off a barrage of bullets around her, making everypony duck for cover. When the shooting stopped, a nervous glance from the onlookers showed that nopony was hit. But then the curtained backdrop of the stage broke apart and collapsed into a neat pile behind Asagi.
“Now, all you background ponies clear outta here before I pump you full of lead!”
Immediately the town square descended into chaos, as citizens galloped in all directions to flee the area, yelling and shoving each other in the mayhem.
“Somepony help me!” Spike cried as he was swept away in the panicked mob.
Rainbow Dash and Applejack rushed to Spike’s rescue, leaving Twilight to be pushed helplessly around by the fleeing crowd. As suddenly as the chaos had started, Twilight found herself alone with the gun-toting pony.
“There. Now we have some room to rumble,” Asagi said with a smile, before somersaulting off the stage and landing deftly before Twilight. “I’ll let you make the first move, hero.”
“H-hey, listen, there must be some kind of misunderstanding,” Twilight said as she glanced around for any possible help. “I’m not a main character or heroine, just a regular everyday unicorn that likes books and lecturing others.”
“There’s no point playing coy, Twilight Sparkle. I’ve done my research; I know that you bear the Element of Magic, and are the leader of this world’s sole competent fighting unit. Now put up your horn and fight me already. I spent six hours getting this stupid body to move like this, and I’m not leaving until I get your title.”
“This is all confusing. Could you maybe explain some things first?”
“Okay, let me spell it out nice and loud,” Asagi said impatiently as she raised her guns at Twilight. “Either hand over your main character status to a professional like a good little student, or better yet, get serious and fight for it like a proper heroine!”
“I still don’t know what exactly it is you want!” Twilight cried.
“Hey! Quit pickin’ on her already!”
Much to her relief, Twilight saw Applejack arrive on the scene, accompanied by Rainbow Dash and Spike.
“You heard Twilight: she doesn’t know what you’re talking about. Nopony does for that matter, so lay off!” Dash said.
“Ah, your lackeys have returned,” Asagi said, looking annoyed as she lowered her guns slightly. “Typical that you’d have others fight for you. Protagonists these days just have no balls whatsoever.”
“You watch yer mouth girl!” Applejack scolded. “Jus’ cuz yer spoutin’ hooey ‘bout protag’nists don’t give you an excuse to talk dirty.”
“Ugh, something else that annoys me about this show: the age-friendly censoring,” Asagi complained. “When I take over as the lead protagonist, I’m gonna raise the rating to TV-14, or PG at least.”
“All your weird blabbering is seriously getting on my nerves!” Dash said before diving straight down at Asagi, who sprung back to dodge the attack.
“Rainbow Dash, stop!”
“Twilight, somepony’s gotta stop this crazy mare before she hurts someone. Plus, nopony insults my awesome mane!”
Pulling back, Dash launched down at Asagi once again, but the gun-toting mare repeated her expert dodging leap. Dash kept launching herself at Asagi all across the square, but each and every time she missed the fleet-hoofed foe.
“Talk about one-trick ponies. At this rate, you’ll end up crashing into a wall,” Asagi taunted.
“Oh yeah? Try this trick on for size!”
Dash immediately shot upwards with a tremendous flap of her wings, then turning around midair into a flip she flew downwards and leveled off, using the distance to increase the speed of her charge. Despite the enhanced speed boost, Dash’s attack was halted by a lightning-quick parry from the butt of Asagi’s gun, which caught her outstretched hooves and batted her away.
“What a brash and unrefined fighting style,” scoffed Asagi. “You’re better off shacking up with that farmhand girlfriend of yours and spending some sensual R&R in some barn. It’ll certainly please the droves of lonely fanfiction writers out there.”
“W-WHAT!?”
Dash’s outburst gave Asagi an opening to fire a bullet at the pegasus. Dash managed to dip in time to avoid it, only to be met with a running upwards kick from the gunmare that knocked her to the ground. Back on her two hooves, Asagi pointed one of her guns at the downed pegasus in triumph.
“God you’re easy! This fight’s already so one-sided it’s hilarious, hahaha!”
Asagi’s self-indulgent laugh was interrupted when a lasso loop fell onto her outstretched leg and snared it. Caught off-balance, Asagi found herself in a tug-of-war against Applejack for possession of her limb.
“You done enough, so drop the gun and I’ll let ya go,” said Applejack through the rope in her mouth.
“Pah! Like I would be wrangled so easily, you four-legged bumpkin!”
Bringing up her free forelimb, Asagi fired a round through the rope holding her. Once freed, she proceeded to fire several rounds in Applejack’s direction. The farm pony quickly ducked and rolled to escape the bullets, but Asagi just kept firing after her.
“Stop fighting everypony! Let’s resolve this like sensible adults!”
Twilight’s plea was met with a loud metal cocking sound as Asagi turned and pointed a gun straight at her.
“Make us!” she said before firing a round. Startled by the shot, Twilight instinctively conjured some magic to make the bullet slow down and stop a foot from her face. Twilight looked at the metal slug, letting out a breath of relief before letting it fall to the ground.
“Huh, that could be a problem,” Asagi said. Wasting no time, Rainbow Dash flew in to deliver a wing-assisted kick into Asagi’s side, sending her tumbling along the ground before she righted herself and skidded to a halt some yards away.
“I just hit you! What do you make of that?” Dash taunted with a smirk.
“I make it out to be a deathwish,” Asagi responded, bringing her guns to bear on the hovering pegasus. “If that’s how you want to play Rainbow Tramp, then let’s dance!”
“Ooh, what kind of dance?”
Asagi yelled in fright, leaping back from the pink puffy pony that had managed to sneak up to the side of her face. “W-where did you come from!?” she asked with a hoof pressed to her chest.
“From over there, silly,” Pinkie answered, pointing a hoof nonchalantly to the side. She then turned to the others and said, “Anyway guys, Rarity and Fluttershy are on their way, but I’ll be your backup until then!”
“Watch out Pinkie, that pony’s dangerous!” Spike warned, only to be met with a giggle.
“She doesn’t seem that dangerous, Spike,” Pinkie replied. “Other than the weird clothes and the yelling, I don’t see what makes her stand out from the other meanies we met.”
“Maybe a bullet to the face will make it clear!” Asagi shouted before firing her guns at Pinkie. The others gasped in shock, but Pinkie dodged the bullets in a display of expert bouncing with a smile on her face.
“It helps to aim, y’know,” Pinkie said teasingly with a wink.
“Try dodging buckshot you amorphous candy blob!”
Asagi whipped out a shotgun from her coat and fired a round, but Pinkie hopped out of harm’s way. Snarling with frustration, Asagi fired several more times at the fleeing pony, blasting whatever walls and produce carts got in the way. As the gunmare readied to fire a sixth round, Applejack charged in to buck her senseless. Asagi was quick to bat off Applejack with her gun, but then Rainbow Dash swooped in and clutched her hooves around the barrel of the shotgun in an attempt to wrench it away.
Before Asagi could shoot down the troublesome pegasus, Applejack took the opportunity to buck the preoccupied gunmare, making her lose hold of the gun and stumble forcibly backwards. Defenseless, Asagi found herself cornered by Dash and Applejack.
“Alright girl, jus’ simmer down before anypony else gets hurt,” Applejack said, but then her attention was grabbed by the sound of another voice.
“Sorry we’re late everyone.”
Looking back, Applejack saw that the Rarity and the Fluttershy had arrived on the scene.
“That fleeing mob ruffled my mane, so I had Fluttershy help me make sure I got it back to its former luster. What say you Applejack? Is it back to perfection?” Rarity asked with a flick of her mane.
“It’s real nice Rarity, but we’re kinda in the middle of—”
A passing blur interrupted Applejack, and too late she realized that Asagi slipped past her. Sprinting across the square, Asagi pushed Rarity aside and went for Fluttershy, wrapping one forelimb around her neck and bringing a gun to her head with the other.
“Nobody move or the walking hugbox gets it!” she threatened.
“Aiiiiieeeeeee!!!” Fluttershy screamed, or rather squeaked, in terror.
“You let her go!” Dash yelled, wings flapping madly.
“And lose my advantage? Nuh-uh! You’ve driven me to play hardball now!” Asagi yelled as she pointed her gun at the group then back to Fluttershy’s head. “If you want your friend’s head intact, you will all put your lead character statuses on the ground and back away slowly!”
“Lead character statuses? Are you even listening to yourself?” Dash asked.
“Do what she says; she means business!” Fluttershy pleaded.
“Yes, better listen to your friend,” Asagi said. “This trigger finger, hoof I mean, is feeling rather ancy—”
Suddenly, a screeching white rabbit pounced on Asagi’s head and started clawing at her. Letting go of Fluttershy, Asagi stumbled around waving her legs to get the woodland creature off her.
“Angel! Get off her before you get hurt!” Fluttershy cried.
“Ugh, stupid bunny!” Asagi eventually got hold of Angel and threw him off. “Ha! It’ll take more than some small woodland creature to stop-OH MY GOD!” was all she could yell before a massive brown bear tackled her, teeth bared and claws swinging.
“Harry! What are you doing here?” Fluttershy asked in surprise.
As the gunmare wrestled for her life against the un-bear-able adversary, Twilight noticed that several ponies had gathered around the edge of the square, commentating on the spectacle and even placing bets on the fight.
“Everypony, get back to your homes now! It’s too dangerous—”
Twilight was interrupted by what sounded like a cross between a growl and a roar, and looking back she was stunned by the sight of Asagi hoisting the three hundred pound bear over her head. With the bear in hoof, Asagi sprung high into the air to perform a spinning pile driver, slamming the bear into Trixie’s stage with enough force to obliterate it. The force of the impact shook up much of the town as well, causing ponies to stumble and shattering several windows. As the tremor subsided, Asagi stood proudly before the rubble of the stage, wiping both her hooves.
“Once again, Asagi stands triumphant against the—”
A length of shimmering fabric, encased in a blue aura, wrapped itself around Asagi’s mouth, silencing her as another length of the magical fabric hovered over and tied up her forelimbs in a tight, decorative bow.
“That will be enough out of you, ruffian,” Rarity said haughtily as she trotted over. “You’ve made quite a mess of things along with uttering complete nonsense. However, as I am a dignified citizen of this fair town, I’m willing to let you go if you—”
In one mighty strain Asagi broke free from her fancy restraints, tearing the fabric to shreds. Ripping the gag from her mouth she cried, “Fool! No air-headed dressmaker can keep me—”
In one mighty scream Rarity nearly broke Asagi’s eardrums as she fell to the ground, frantically gathering the pieces of ruined fabric.
“My custom-made triple-stitched sapphire fabric!” Rarity wailed. “The first ever sheet I made on my own, and you destroy it! Oh all the hours of making sure the gems were positioned correctly, WASTED!”
“...It’s just fabric,” Asagi said, feeling uncomfortable.
“Just fabric? JUST FABRIC!?” Rarity yelled, a gleam of murderous rage flickering briefly in her eyes. “You essentially killed my own child you fashion-impaired monster! Though admittedly that’s not actually the case, it’s still pretty horrible!”
With a flash of her horn, the devastated seamstress pulled over her trademark fainting couch and threw herself onto its cushiony embrace to sob over her tragic loss. “Oh my precious sapphire fabric, why didn’t I tell you how much I loved you when I had the chance?”
As the unicorn lamented, Asagi sighed heavily before delivering a powerful kick to the couch. It slid across the square and into the side of a building, catapulting Rarity unceremoniously onto the roof.
“I just don’t get the appeal of these dramatic types; they’re so annoying,” Asagi said, just as a small yell reached her ears.
“How dare you harm Rarity! I’ll make you pay!!!”
Overcome with rage and loyalty for the one he loved, Spike charged at Asagi and unleashed his fury. Unfortunately, his feeble baby dragon claws barely made a scratch in Asagi’s leggings, which pulled back to kick him high into the air. A magenta aura surrounded him and yanked him from the air before a salvo of bullets from below could perforate him, and soon he found himself dangling before Twilight.
“Spike, that was incredibly dangerous, not to mention stupid!”
“B-but I had to avenge Rarity! She would’ve wanted me to!”
“I-I’m alright, everypony,” came the weary voice of Rarity, who had managed to crawl to the edge of the roof she was on. “I’m just a bit... frazzled.”
“You Meanie McMeanpants of the Third House of Meanieton! Take this!”
Pinkie immediately threw a pie at Asagi, hitting her face dead-on the moment she turned around. Momentarily stunned by the surprise attack, Asagi lifted a hoof to wipe some of the crumbly mess off her muzzle and gave it a taste.
“A pie? Really? It doesn’t even taste offensive. You’re not just annoying, you’re also a complete idi—”
Suddenly a purple-eyed baby alligator ran in and leapt at Asagi, latching its toothless maw over her face. Instantly, the muffled screams of horror were heard as Asagi ran around blindly batting at the creature that was trying to eat her face.
“Not just any pie: Gummy’s favorite flavor pie!” Pinkie explained with a mischievous grin.
Overcome with unadulterated panic, Asagi eventually collided with the side of a building. Planting her hooves on it, she began repeatedly bashing her own face, and by extension Gummy, into the wall. Eventually the little guy relented and fled. Dazed from the abuse, Asagi shook her head and wiped her face of the saliva and pie remnants before staring at the other ponies with a look of embarrassment.
“Alright, you’ve had your fun,” she said in-between breaths. “This time I’m pulling out all the stops. It’s go time, baby!”
Pulling out her trusty handguns, Asagi began a series of meditative leg movements, and once fully focused, she assumed a serious stance and looked at her foes head-on. “Raging Heart of Asagi: Hero Cha—”
Suddenly the side of the building blew out beside her, and from it flew out two figures: one clad in blue and the other in black and purple. The two tumbled along the ground, grappling one another, when something long and shiny flew from their struggle and planted itself in the dirt some yards away. Untangling themselves they stood up to reveal their tall, lean features, as well as their very distinct appearances. The purple dragon in the suit rushed the bald man with the cape looking to deck him, but got denied by a skinny arm and was met with a counter punch. The two slugged it out ferociously, punching and kicking and grappling back in the direction of the building they came from.
“What the hell is going on—?”
Asagi was interrupted yet again when the two battlers broke off to stop at either side of the gunmare. As one they took hold of her guns with one hand and punched her out with the other. As she crumpled and the grip was loosened on the handguns, the two dashed off and ran parallel to each other, glaring and firing their weapons point-blank at every step. The space between quickly filled with a line of spent rounds, flattened by impact with one another.
“Just what in tarnation is goin’ on with them?” Applejack asked, thoroughly stunned by this inexplicable development.
“I dunno, but it looks super intense!” Pinkie commented with a hop. “Woohoo! Hardboiled action!”
“Glad I’m not involved in something like that,” Spike remarked, rather gratefully.
When the bullets ceased the opponents threw away their stolen guns and kept running across the town square. In passing the planted sword, the dragon snatched it up and was about to slice after the other combatant, but they ducked and reached out with both arms, hugging the waist. This led to them tumbling again, this time through the door of an empty shop.
The girls and Spike waited quietly to see what would happen, as no noise came out from the store the moment the two newcomers had gone in. Their attention turned to a groan at the other end of the square, where Asagi was getting up, having either retrieved her guns or pulled out a fresh pair.
“No idea what that was, so I’ll just ignore it. Now, as I was saying,—” —>
A melodic splintering of wood and strings filled the air as Asagi was inexplicably crushed by a grand piano. When the piano’s death cry ended, a gray, blonde-maned pegasus descended from above to look over the wreckage with an annoyed look.
“Just great, more docked pay. They should really stop mailing such slippery pianos.”
A round of cheers and hoof stomps arose from the edge of the square, and looking around, the pegasus was startled to see the many onlookers clamoring for her.
“Derpy just stopped that lunatic!”
“That mailmare’s a hero!”
“What grace! What style!”
“Make love to me, Derpy!”
“DER-PY! DER-PY! DER-PY!”
The citizens of Ponyville rushed into the square and surrounded Derpy, hoisting her onto their backs with chants of heroism and gratitude. Twilight and friends looked on dumbfounded as Derpy was paraded through the streets, though Rainbow Dash took the time to retrieve Rarity just as the celebrating townsfolk and their heroine left the square.
“What just happened? Did we win?” Rarity asked, smoothing out her mane as she talked.
“I’m not entirely sure what to make of it,” Applejack replied.
“At least it’s over,” Fluttershy said with relief. “I’m just glad nopony got seriously injured. Well, except...” Pausing a moment, Fluttershy looked over to the wrecked piano, as did the others.
“Should we help her?” Spike asked to break the silence.
“We probably should,” Twilight answered. “Even though she tried to hurt us, she may have been under some serious stress. Maybe now we’ll be able to figure out what exactly she’s after, now that she’s—”
“I’VE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS!!!”
The pile of piano debris erupted, scattering wood and ivory keys everywhere to reveal an unscathed and incredibly irritated Asagi.
“Bears, alligators, and to top it off you drop a freaking piano on me!” she seethed, quivering with rage. “So far, only the hick and the floating pride symbol have taken this fight seriously, but the rest of you insult me by resorting to cartoonish gags! The ponies in this town are completely worthless; I’d do the world a huge favor if I blew it clean off the map!”
“Why do you insist on fighting to begin with?” Twilight asked. “Is what you’re after really worth harming innocent ponies, not to mention causing all this damage?”
“There you go again with that bleeding-heart pacifist motif!” Asagi shouted. “It pisses me off how you refuse to fight even after what I did to your friends! How’d a weakling like you get to be the main character? Why are you so damn popular? Why why why WHY!?” The mare punctuated her discontent with several angry hoof stomps.
“She’s about to blow!” Spike cried.
“Just calm down and let’s—”
“I WILL NOT CALM DOWN!!!” Asagi screamed, interrupting Twilight. “Not until I end this stupid battle and take what is rightfully mine!” A literal flame of passionate determination rose around Asagi as she cocked her gleaming handguns and assumed a threatening stance. “I will become best pony, and I will become the main character!”
Planting the barrels of her guns into the dirt, Asagi fired into the ground and launched skyward. Soaring at high velocity, the gunmare eventually reached the lower stratosphere, whereupon she flipped to halt her ascent, pulling out a shoulder-mounted launcher in the process. The launcher unfolded and reshaped into a particle cannon six times Asagi’s size. As the monstrous weapon charged, Asagi took aim at the town below.
“Eat this! Falling Nova Star CANNON!!”
The skies of Equestria rumbled as the particle cannon fired a radiant column of energy. The destructive column split apart into several dozen arrow-like bursts that spread out to cover the width of Ponyville as they descended. In the square below, the group of friends watched the impending cascade with newborn dread.
“There’s so many of ‘em! They’re gonna destroy all of Ponyville!” Applejack exclaimed.
“We have to evacuate everypony,” Fluttershy said.
“I don’t think there’s time!” Spike replied.
“What do we DOOOOO?” Pinkie cried, hooves pressed to her face in preemptive doom. Just then she noticed Twilight walking by, and dropping her silly look she asked, “Twilight, where are you going?”
“We can’t let the town get destroyed. I can’t let it!” Twilight said determinedly as she locked her legs into the ground. Lowering her head with eyes closed, she concentrated on mustering all her magical ability, and with horn aglow, she erected a warding spell high above Ponyville. Some of the approaching energy bursts dissipated against the newly-formed shield, but it wasn’t wide enough to stop the many others that passed by.
“You can do it!” Spike cheered.
“Don’t give up Twilight!” urged Rarity.
“Trust in the Force!” Pinkie shouted.
“There’s so many… I don’t think I can,” Twilight said as she willed herself to enhance the spell past its limit. With annihilation bearing down from above, Twilight felt her knees weaken and her stamina fading. Suddenly, a passing memory of her friends set off a spark in her mind, and newfound energy filled her with empowering warmth. As her eyes flashed open from the surge, a brilliant veil of purple-tinged magic encased Ponyville. When the descending energy spheres hit the veil, they briefly halted before detonating one after another in a brilliant chain reaction. Cheers erupted from Twilight’s friends as the magic veil disappeared, revealing a dazzling fireworks display that moments ago nearly spelt their end.
Some yards away Asagi touched back down, a look of surprise on her face as she gawked at the light show overhead.
“She actually stopped the attack, and in mid-animation too...”
A loud hoof stomp caught her attention, and looking ahead Asagi beheld a very different-looking Twilight. The unicorn’s purple hide now shone an intensely hot white, and both her mane and tail had become living trails of flame.
“You cause a disturbance… destroy homes… hurt my friends… and just now tried to kill everypony in town,” Twilight spoke in a low voice. “I will not stand for this any longer.”
“Ah, there’s that main character grit!” Asagi said, as she pulled out her handguns. “If you’re finally ready to fight, then let us—”
She was interrupted as her handguns were magically flung from her grasp to the edge of the square. “Hmph. Like I needed those to get seri—” She was interrupted again as a small arsenal of assorted weaponry was blown from the inner linings of her coat.
“You were saying about me doing nothing?” Twilight made a sinister grin, causing Asagi to break out into a cold sweat.
“H-hey, maybe now is a good time for that talking you enjoy so—“
Before she could finish, Asagi found herself lifted into the air by an invisible force, and was then thrown into the side of the Ponyville meeting hall like a ragdoll from a catapult.
“Girls!” Twilight yelled. “Love and tolerance can take a day off! This troublemaker requires a practical lesson in not messing with ‘stupid’ ponies.”
“That’s what I’m talking about!” Rainbow Dash approved.
“Team Attack: Friendship is Fatal!!!”
Crawling from the dent in the meeting hall wall, Asagi again felt herself flung by unseen forces to the square center, where Applejack waited to buck her in the chest. Stumbling from the blow, Asagi backed into a waiting Rainbow Dash who wing-smacked her face, making her spin like a top back the way she came. Rarity was on hoof to tail-whip the spinning pony, making the gunmare stumble toward Fluttershy, who hit her with a paralyzing Stare.
A chair floated over and smashed into Asagi’s back, making her bend low enough to receive a burst of green flame from Spike. Pinkie Pie hopped over with a fire extinguisher and doused Asagi in freezing foam before whacking her with it. Dash flew in to deliver a rising uppercut that sent the battered gunmare skyward. A lasso pulled her back to the ground where the pony compatriots had formed a living tower with Applejack as the base. Asagi was bashed up the tower formation via buck, headbutt, cymbal, poke, and nuzzle before getting “Spiked” back to the ground.
Not given a moment to rest in her newly-formed crater, Asagi was again lifted by magic as a sphere of intensifying heat formed around her. With the air around her growing hotter, Asagi had time to look into the hardened and unforgiving eyes of Twilight before the sphere collapsed into a fiery explosion.
Fatal K.O.
(Not really)
The pleasant chirping of birds filled the air, as the last of the fires in the square smoldered away. Regaining consciousness, Asagi opened her eyes to see the brilliance of the blue midday sky staring back at her. Propping herself up into a slouched sitting position, she took a moment to bitterly reflect on the battle’s outcome.
“Beaten up… by children’s merchandise,” she groaned, just as the shadows of Twilight and her line of friends fell upon her. Twilight’s hair and mane had returned to normal, but her eyes still looked fierce.
“Now, are you ready to give an explanation?” Twilight asked sternly. At that moment a low gasp came from Fluttershy.
“Twilight, look at her flank.”
Miraculously enough, Asagi’s pants were the only piece of clothing damaged in battle, and from the hole torn in its side, a plain flank could be seen.
“There’s no cutie mark,” Twilight stated, her eyes widening in surprise.
“It’s because I’m not a main character! And since I lost to you I still won’t be one!” Asagi cried in frustration.
“Wait, so being a main character is some kind of talent?” Dash asked.
“I still don’t get it,” Rarity said. “All this talk of main characters and protagonists, are you referring to a play or something of that nature?”
“Maybe she’s trying to be an actor!” Pinkie suggested.
“No!” Asagi yelled. “Main characters are what all you are. The ‘Mane Six’, the six individuals around which everything in this universe revolves. Its group of heroes and defenders responsible for upholding stability. How are you still not getting this?”
“You mean you wanted to become a Bearer of Harmony? That’s what this was about?” Twilight asked.
“Ugh, fine, we’ll go with that,” Asagi conceded. “The point is I’ve spent a long time trying to have what you all have, and I don’t just mean those dumb cutie marks. I am aware of the stigma of not having one though, so I must look like a freak to you?”
“Oh goodness, we wouldn’t think that!” Fluttershy said. “It’s just, for a pony your age to have no cutie mark, it’s rather strange and, well, unheard of.”
“Maybe being a main character isn’t your special talent?” Pinkie asked.
“Of course it is!” Asagi cried. “I even had my own game, but some dunderhead executives had it pulled in favor of another’s release. Since then I’ve been battling to gain the recognition and prestige that was stolen from me! After seven years of fighting the same stat-exploiting jerks I figured a change of scenery was needed, however, after this...” She paused to put the back of a hoof to her forehead. “Losing to some pastel-colored ponies has made it official: my quest is utterly hopeless. Oh woe is me, the former Queen of Games!”
“And she’s the one who’s annoyed by dramatic types?” Spike remarked.
“After seven years you still haven’t gotten your cutie mark?” Dash asked. “Not to sound insensitive, but you must be pretty bad at this.”
“Rainbow Dash!” Twilight scolded, before turning to Asagi with a raised sympathetic hoof. “Hey hey, Asagi. I’m sure it’s not completely hopeless.”
“Spare me your pity!” Asagi shouted. “You don’t know of the hardships I’ve been through, the humiliation! You’re just another pampered lead character, ignorant of real struggle!”
“I don’t know exactly what sort of hardships you’ve faced, but you’re clearly motivated to achieve this goal of yours if you’re willing to put up with it for so long,” Twilight reasoned. “But I think you might have been going about it the wrong way.”
“What do you mean?” Asagi asked.
“To be honest, it sounds to me like you’re trying to make some friends.”
“Huuuh?” Asagi exclaimed with a dumb-founded look.
“Yeah, that totally sounds like it!” Pinkie Pie agreed.
“You say you’re after recognition and prestige,” Twilight resumed. “But that’s basically saying you want to become popular.”
“Which is a totally shallow way of making friends, not to mention uncool,” Rainbow said.
“You’re one to talk,” Rarity said, to which Dash gave a mean stare.
“Excuse me, Miss Canterlot Socialite?” Dash replied.
“P-preposterous! A main character has no time for friends!” Asagi balked, inadvertently stopping an impending friends quarrel.
“Not with that kind of attitude,” Twilight said. “You come into town and shoot up the place while boasting about your amazing skills. That makes for a very unfriendly first impression, and if that’s how you’ve been behaving over the years than it’s really no surprise that you’ve been having such a hard time.”
“How dare you!” Asagi yelled. “Strength is what matters where I come from! I’d like to see you even make one breath before getting annihilated by the monstrosities I’ve faced!”
“But that’s the thing Asagi: this place is not like wherever you came from,” Twilight said. “You don’t have to wave guns around to get attention. If you just took the time to explain yourself from the beginning, like I wanted you to, then we wouldn’t have gotten into this pointless fight.”
“Well I don’t see the point in ‘talking it out’ now,” Asagi said. “I lost, you remain the star, and my destiny remains unfulfilled. What more is there to talk about?”
“A complete disregard for pony safety for one,” Spike said.
“And animal cruelty,” Fluttershy added.
“Anyway, Asagi,” Twilight resumed, getting the topic back on track. “I believe your negativity and bad attitude stems from a lack of friends. If you want, we can give you some pointers on how to make friends. You’d be surprised how better life is when you have friends to look after you.”
“Better yet, let’s be her first friends!” Pinkie suggested.
“Are ya serious?” Applejack asked.
“Of course! Love and acceptance, or something,” Pinkie replied.
“You want me... to be your friend?” Asagi asked, eyes blinking in surprise.
“Hmm, it’d certainly speed up the learning process,” Twilight pondered, then gave a nod. “But yes, I’m willing to give you a chance for the sake of achieving your dream, and what could be better than to have several friends to help out?”
“Well, if Twilight’s fine with it than so am I,” Applejack said.
“I guess you can hang out, now that you’ve calmed down,” Dash said.
“Friendship makes everything better,” Fluttershy said with a nod.
For a moment Asagi was speechless, then said, “I don’t know what to say, except... hell no!” Springing onto her hind legs, Asagi resumed: “It’s one thing to lose to talking ponies, but I flat out refuse to fall sway to your sinister love-infused brainwashing. I am Asagi: the Solitary Warrior Beauty! I should thank you though, Twilight. Your ploy to ensnare me with friendship has reminded me of my true calling as a proud lone huntress, and that trying to take over this sappy world was a massive err in judgment. There’s still lots of other places out there; surely one of them will take me seriously. A girl can dream… Well, adios, ponies. Enjoy living with the fact that your existence was made possible solely because of Michael Bay’s success.”
Asagi threw down a smoke bomb that blinded everyone, and once it cleared Twilight and friends were able to catch a final glimpse of deranged mare in the distance, fleeing the town and laughing maniacally.
“...That was weird,” Applejack said.
“No kidding,” Spike agreed.
“I dare say the poor girl is a lost cause,” Rarity remarked. “Perhaps has been for a very long time.”
“You may be right...” Twilight said with a sigh, but perked up before saying, “So who wants to frolic?”
“I do I do!” Fluttershy said in hushed excitement.
“Count me in! Wait, frolic?” Spike asked.
“Alright, last one to the park is a rotten egg!” Twilight said before taking off, her friends following behind and joining in a round of laughter.
Further enveloped in delusions of grandeur, Asagi fled Ponyville and was never seen or heard from again. Heads were scratched, property was damaged, and at least one heart was broken, but in the end the Bearers of Harmony had once again prevailed, and ponies everywhere couldn’t have been happier.
Well, except for One…
Far outside of Ponyville, by the border of the Everfree Forest, a disheveled Trixie was slumped upside-down against a tree trunk, most of her head stuck in her hat from the ungraceful landing. Nearby, her large red cauldron was firmly planted halfway into the dirt, but was otherwise intact. Clumsily moving a hoof around Trixie managed to adjust her crumpled hat from her eyes, and seeing that the sun had set, gave an annoyed huff.
“Expelled from Ponyville, yet again, and on the verge of my comeback.” She took a moment to pull a locket from her shamen robes, and sighed longingly at the picture within. “Someday, Twilight, Trixie will make you realize that our souls are just too beautiful for this world.”
Just then the cauldron began to shake, at first slightly then very violently to the point of shifting itself from the ground. Trixie watched the shuddering cauldron with widening eyes until the pot exploded in a blinding, thunderous flash.
When Trixie’s vision cleared what she saw surprised her. Where the cauldron had been there stood a mid-size steel-gray colt with a short blue mane that had two antennae sticking out. He wore a large flowing red scarf, a pair of red shorts and a pair of red footwear on his back hooves. Apart from the odd apparel and hair style, Trixie sensed a tremendous power emanating from the colt that made the air around him quiver.
“Who dares summon me?” the colt demanded in a high-pitched, prepubescent voice. Taking a moment to look over one of his hooves, he then added, “And why the hell am I a pony!?”
Trixie rubbed her eyes in disbelief. “S-summoned? Trixie’s incantation worked? But, you look nothing like a Tyrant Kobold.”
“Kobold? Are you blind; I’m an Overlord! The most supreme one of all!” he yelled in reply. “What is this place anyway? It’s all bright and colorful. A most disgraceful Netherworld if I ever saw one. Hmm… I think I’ll take it upon myself to whip this place into shape by making it the newest addition to my empire. It’s been awhile since I conquered something anyway. Haahahahaha!”
At that moment, Trixie realized her day had just become significantly worse.
The End?
Author's Note: This is the last fic I'll write for the next two months. Shipping out to more exciting things, but luckily when I get back I'll resume writing. I just want to say thanks to Ponychan and the many wonderful reviewers on /fic/ who have helped me and taught me much since I started writing in this fandom, in particular Vimbert and Vanner. I'd also like to give credit to jake-heritagu for making the awesome Asagi picture I used (and modified :P) for the cover. And I'd especially like to thank all of you who have read my stories, and especially to those of you who gave me a Follow. Keep friendship alive, and Live to Create. Peace ;)
