Blitzkrieg Poison Kills Assassins
BY: cleverpun
Blitzkrieg Poison braced himself to enter the abandoned warehouse. His military-green trenchcoat flapped in the wind, breaking the otherwise complete silence. His brown mane followed suit, but was noticeably quieter.
Blitz’s mighty hoof plowed into the old metal door and caused it to crumple like a piece of damp cardboard. Sunlight trickled into the dusty building, and its inhabitants spun to face him. Several of them were wearing black cloth wrappings around their faces and hooves, though many had left them off in their downtime.
There was a clanking and a clattering as everypony froze.
“Blitzkrieg Poison!?”
“Get him!”
In a flash Blitz drew his katana, and it clanged against a similar one as the ninja blocked the blow. The other assassins circled him, waiting for an opening.
“Nice try, Poison! Thought you could just waltz in here during our Friday poker game? Hah! A ninja never leaves home without their sword!”
“Too bad it didn’t block the poison,” Blitz said.
“What?”
“I coated my sword in poison, it flew onto you when our swords met.” Thanks to his training, the words were clear despite the sword handle in his mouth. His mouth barely moved, but his words were completely unmuffled.
The ninja’s eyes widened. “I thought that was just action sweat?”
“Nope.”
“Oh.” The ninja suddenly started coughing loudly, dropping his sword in the process.
Blitz spun around, his hoof hammering into the ninja’s face and sending them flying into a stack of old boxes. As one, the other ninjas converged on him. A few shuriken nicked his coat as he leapt upward, landing neatly on a huge industrial crate. Some of the ninjas jumped after him and several landed a few feet from where he stood.
Blitz flung his coat open, revealing several grenades tied to his shirt. He grabbed a few in his hoof and dropped them onto the crowd of ponies, the fuses coming loose as the strings tugged at his shirt.
He dove down, landing on the other side of the crate just in time to feel the heat and pressure of the explosion press through the building. He stood up just in time to narrowly avoid another shuriken, then brought his sword up to block the followup strike.
Poison shunted the ninja back, then rocked his weight in the other direction and kicked the one approaching him from behind. The ninja crumpled immediately, clutching his groin in pain.
Poison blocked another swing from the sword, and another, and just as the third met his sword, he pulled his hoof up and brought it down on the pony’s head.
“Heh, the old Blitzkrieg Chop. Never fails.”
A maniacal chuckle echoed through the building. Blitz’s ear flicked. He’d recognize that voice anywhere.
“Ara ara, still as violent as ever, Poison-san.”
Blitz’s gaze landed on a tall stack of metal crates in front of him, just in time to see a pony slink into view at the very top. Her coat was pure white, and it stood out sharply in the dim room. Her mane and tail were jet black and hung limply at her sides. The bends in her braids periodically caught what little light there was. There were black wrappings around her legs and barrel, nearly blending in with her hair, and covering the shuriken cutie mark that Blitz knew adorned her flank. A pair of small pouches hung at her sides, and a pair of night vision goggles hung from her neck. Her horn poked out from underneath her bangs. Her eyes were a dark purple, and in the low light they were as bright as a lit fuse.
She smiled coyly.
Blitz’s eyes narrowed. “Sensei Sorachi. I was wondering when you’d slither into view.”
Sorachi stepped back and put a hoof to her chest, pretending to be insulted. “Oh, how you wound me Poison-san.” She smirked. “And still calling me sensei after all that has happened between us? Daijoubu, dear student? I had expected you to be more upset.”
“That’s all you are to me now, nothing more, and nothing less.”
Sorachi’s face fell. “Hmph. You did not always feel that way.”
“Like you said, a lot has happened between us.”
Sorachi smiled. There was more than a hint of seduction in her voice when she spoke. “I’m still willing to put it all behind us, if you are. Even though you killed my sister—”
“Only because you sent her to kill my sister!” Blitz snarled.
“A job is a job, dear student. That was one of the first things I taught you.”
“Too bad you don’t follow your own advice. I found the hiring records, Sorachi. I know that you put out the hit on White Lily!”
A shadow of surprise flickered across the mare’s face. “She was holding you back, dear student.”
“That, or you just wanted me all to yourself!?”
Sorachi rolled her eyes. “So what if I did? We were enjoying each other. I merely made it easier.”
Blitz shook his head. “In some ways, this is my fault. After your clan was captured by the police, I was the one who convinced the chief to let you free in exchange for training me.”
“Ah yes, when we took down that warehouse full of mercenaries together. A fine job indeed.”
“And then as I trained with you, I developed feelings for you.” Blitz lowered his gaze. “Everypony I ever loved has ended up in danger because of me. I thought that maybe…maybe being with somepony who could handle danger, who defied danger…”
“Then what was the problem?” Sorachi smiled. “We certainly defied danger, you and I.”
Blitz shook his head. “No.” He jabbed a hoof at the mare. “You don’t defy danger, you create it, you demand it. You’re too bloodthirsty for love, I see that now. I only regret it took my sister’s death to open my eyes.”
Sorachi snorted derisively. “Well, if that isn't the knife calling the sword sharp? You’re the one who murdered over sixty-seven ninja, three information brokers, and a corrupt sheriff to get to me. I tried to temper your recklessness with precision, but I failed even more than you did at ‘redeeming’ me.”
“Enough! I’m nothing like you!” Blitz nearly dropped his sword, but caught himself.
Sorachi raised an eyebrow. “Of course you’re not.” Her horn started to glow. “I still have feelings for you, Poison-san, but if you reject me, you reject the way of the ninja.” A trail of shuriken floated out of her bags, floating and spinning around her in a wide circle, each one encapsulated in her magic aura. “And you know what happens to those who reject the way of the ninja.”
Blitz raised his sword. There was nowhere to hide; he stood in a wide, empty area. The crate that had protected him from the explosion blocked his retreat. If he simply ran he would be pincushioned before he could reach any others.
“I wonder, Poison-san, how well did I train you?” She raised a hoof, and one-by-one all the lights began to go out, each row letting out a loud CLUNK as they went dark.
Blitz could just barely make out the faint glow of Sorachi’s magic manipulating her goggles onto her face. At least he could still see the points of light that marked each shuriken.
“You know, I taught you many things, dear student, but since you’re an earth pony, I never really had reason to teach you to make magic less visible.” Suddenly all the little purple pinpricks surrounding her shuriken vanished. The only light left in the entire warehouse came from the green glow of her goggles.
Buck.
There was a thin whistle as something flew towards him, and in rush of instinct and adrenalin, Blitz swung at the sound. There was a flash of light as steel struck steel. Both ponies heard the shuriken fall to the floor with a loud clatter.
There was another whistle and another and another as the fusillade began in earnest. Blitz closed his eyes, tensed his body, and took another instinct-fueled swing.
For a moment the warehouse was a wall of echoes and clatters and sparks and streaks of light. It was a blur, both mentally and physically.
Blitz had no idea how long it lasted. He could only focus on blocking throw after throw, his neck tiring as he continued to swing his sword. And then, just as his endurance began to fade, sweat dripping off his well-toned body, the barrage simply stopped.
Blitz turned to the green glow just in time to see them move backward ever so slightly.
“W-well done, Poison-san. I trained you well, it seems.” The goggles swayed slightly. “A shame you won’t be able to find any of the shuriken you blocked, or your way up here! Not without light.”
“I won’t need to do either, Sensei!” Blitz spat the title out. With a movement that would’ve given his name new meaning, he reared back and then fell forward, putting the last of his strength into a single mighty motion. His sword slipped out of his teeth, indents from his teeth still visible in the leather-wrapped handle, sweat and saliva glinting even in the darkness.
The blade spiraled through the air one, two, three, four, five dozen times, and with a wet THUNK it hit its mark.
The lights snapped back on, and there was the distinct scuffle of hooves and the sound of a door being flung open.
The sword had embedded itself in Sorachi’s side, her hoof clutching at the wound. To the untrained eye it might look like it had missed completely, like she was holding the sword against her body with her arm, but Blitz knew better. There was no blood because the sword was just that sharp.
Sorachi’s horn began to glow but then sputtered and fell dark. She reached her free hoof up to her face and tore her goggles off, and slowly stared down at her incredibly subtle wound. “H-how could you...” Her tone was incredulous rather than pained.
"I had a good teacher." Blitz turned his head. “I’m sorry. Even after all we’ve been through, I… I still love you.”
Sorachi lifted her head to stare at Blitz, and a smile spiderwebbed across her face. She laughed, chuckled, cackled, and then stopped as suddenly as she had started as her body fell over, limp.
“Keep the katana, it does belong to you after all,” Blitz muttered. He turned to leave, but a muffled crying caught his attention.
He bounded heroically towards the noise, and eventually came upon an unassuming wooden door. He flung it open, only to find a pink mare and blue filly huddled together, surrounded by various cleaning supplies and sobbing quietly.
“What are you two doing here?”
The mare lifted her head and gasped. “Oh, thank Celestia! I knew somepony would come for us eventually!” The mare lifted up the filly’s chin. “See, Sapphire, I told you we’d be rescued.”
“Who are you?” Blitz asked incredulously.
“Oh sorry, I’m Blooming Hydrangea, and this is my sister Sapphire Song. We were out selling Mare Scout cookies, but those ghastly ninjas kidnapped us and ate all of our stock.”
Blitz looked the two up and down, and their cutie marks and the filly’s Mare Scout uniform certainly seemed to match their story. “Well, all the ninja are dead, let’s get you out of here.”
“Oh, thank you so much, uhm, what was your name?” Hydrangea asked as Blitz pulled her to her hooves.
“Blitzkrieg Poison.”
“The famous action hero?”
“Last I checked.” Blitz grinned as he pulled the filly up and put her into her sister’s arms. “Now we just need to find an exit. Come on, Miss Hydrangea.”
“Oh, please, my friends call me Heidi.”
Blitz scanned the walkway high above, looking for the door he had heard earlier. Finally he saw what looked like an emergency exit, and pulled a grappling hook gun off his belt. He took careful aim and fired. To the untrained eye the rope would’ve appeared to travel very slowly, almost as if it was being pulled by wires instead of being pushed by gunpowder, but Blitz knew better. It was merely a side-effect of all the adrenalin.
He tugged on the rope. “Alright, Heidi, hang onto me, and keep a good hold on your sister.”
The mare nodded and grabbed his waist, privately noting how fit he was. Her blush would have been very noticeable, were her coat any other color.
Blitz made sure both of the mares weren’t going to fall off, his eyes lingering an extra moment on Heidi’s rump, and finally he shook his head and pressed the button to retract the rope.
In the blink of an eye three ponies were on the walkway, running towards the door.
Wow, that grappling hook retracted fast, Heidi thought to herself.
“Follow me!” Blitz said.
“Why are we running? I thought the ninjas were dead?”
“They are, but we need to get some distance between us and the building.” Blitz pulled out a small remote from his belt, and pressed a button with his teeth. There a loud click and a beep.
“What was that?”
“Explosives, naturally.”
“Shouldn’t you wait until we’re farther away before activating that!?” Heidi shouted.
“Signal doesn’t reach that far, gotta do it now.”
The ponies ran and ran. As they leapt out of the warehouse and ran off into the desert, the credits began to roll.
Twilight stared at the screen. Her mouth hung open, her brain desperately trying and failing to force the last three-and-a-half hours out of her brain.
Next to her, Dash was stamping her hooves and whistling loudly. After nearly a full minute of it, she turned to Twilight. “Wasn’t that great! Best one so far!”
Twilight did not respond.
“Uh, Twi? Are you okay?”
“That…”
“Was the best movie ever? I know right? Is your mind blown?” Dash swept her arms apart to punctuate the last word.
“That…was the stupidest thing I’ve ever seen,” Twilight muttered.
“What!” Dash’s jaw dropped open. “How can you say that!? It was great!”
“They had a scene of the main character finding his sister’s body, and then spent three hours having him beat up ninjas with bad special effects. There was less than thirty minutes of plot in the entire movie!”
“What about when he was interrogating that corrupt sheriff?”
“You mean the one he threw out a window for no reason?”
“No, no, the second corrupt sheriff,” Rainbow clarified.
“Saying ‘tell me’ and swearing a lot isn’t compelling dialogue. There was no plot or characterization at all!”
“Wait,” Rainbow scratched her head, “you mean you didn't watch Blitzkrieg Poison Assassinates Killers? That's where he meets Sorachi and they have a sweet training montage before they take out a warehouse full of mercenary assassins. I thought everypony saw that!”
“I may have to take an test to confirm it, but I think my IQ has actually dropped from watching that movie. All my thoughts feel sluggish and impeded.”
Dash chuckled. “Oh, okay, I get it. You got me, Twi.” Dash leaned in and poked Twilight with an elbow. “Good one. Now what’d you really think of it?”
“I should’ve known better when the poster described it as ‘critically acknowledged’ and the only critic quotes and star rating were from a local paper…”
“Yeah, that was from me!”
Twilight stared at Rainbow. “What.”
“That’s how I got our press passes,” Dash explained. “Apparently most critics don’t have very good taste, so Parvus Studios always asks me to write a review.”
Twilight glanced around the theatre. There was a couple sloppily making out in the back row, and there was a disheveled pony sleeping off to the side, but otherwise the place was empty, same as when they had entered. “Right, I’m leaving,” she muttered.
“What! Why? You’ll miss the sequel hook after the credits!”
“Rainbow, if I watch any more of this movie my brain will implode. I think I only survived the rest of it because I went into a defensive coma.”
“But the stinger is the best part!” Dash shouted.
Twilight ignored her, already five steps away from the exit.
Dash waved a hoof dismissively. “Eggheads. No taste at all.” She settled expectantly back into her seat.
The credits continued for a while longer. Then, as predicted, the studio logo slowly faded to black. The camera came into focus on a pile of dynamite, a ticking digital clock sitting in front of it.
The camera slowly zoomed in on the timer, the time falling away as the view approached it.
Five seconds.
Four seconds.
Three seconds.
Two seconds.
One second.
A blood-stained sword struck the wire. The screen panned slowly up the blade: the blood dripping off of it, the dragon-shaped maker’s mark, the words “To my faithful student” etched into the side, the shuriken-shaped handguard, finally coming to rest on the leather-wrapped handle, and the purple aura surrounding it.
Then the screen went dark, as a blood-stained “The End?” faded into view.
“Awesome…” Dash whispered to herself.
Author's Note
Trivia: Sorachi's full name is Sorachi Shuurai.
The title flashed into my head while falling asleep, so I got back up and wrote it. This all happened at 7am.
Considered doing a pair of sequels (Blitzkrieg Poison and the Revenge of a Teacher and Blitzkrieg Poison Teaches Revenge) where Blitz confronts Sorachi again, and Dash drags different friends to the movies/has movie party with her Neighpon bootleg tapes, but it's prolly a bit too repetitive. Ah well, food for thought.
And yes, the cover is supposed to be really bad. I achieved this effect through careful application of my lack of skill.
