A Mans Increasingly Traumatic Time in Equestria

by Impressme

Rating: everyone
Tags: Random, Human, Dark, Alternate Universe, Comedy
Length: 2265

Can someone really enjoy their time in Equestria? (A less adventurous view of a mans time in Equestria.)

It's not as great as it seems. Humans are slowly being introduced to Equestrian society, but a few seem to have trouble coping with the change in this deceivingly kind world.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2013-03-30 21:20:02 UTC

Day 1 (Prologue)

Ok Caleb. Just one year and you're home free.

The poor sap that he is, Caleb foolishly agreed to spend an extended period of time in Equestria, in exchange for a large sum of money courtesy of the United States government. Was it worth it just for a Masters Degree? Hell yeah. Of course he would never figure out that the government fully expected him to perish in his first month. But that's besides the point.

In all seriousness the government failed to garner a decent sized group of willing participants who would want to spend their time with ponies in a country that's far from advanced, in terms of technology. In all, 150 had been sent Saddle Arabia, 75 to the Hunters Talon (A mountainous colony of Griffons), and 50 had been sent to the prosperous Crystal Empire. All under the supervision of Equestrian leaders and all on a mission to bring the two worlds closer together.

Caleb, on the other hand, was being sent to Ponyville to join a group of about 5 pother humans. With no real knowledge of Equestrian business and culture, he seemed more suited for labor in the fields or in a simple shop where he could be monitored by Equestrian authority.

The scientists didn't elaborate on much, but he knew that he was going to go through hell. He would also need a place to stay and a decent job. Human money didn't count for much in Equestria so he was going to have to work his ass of to get anywhere. Work work and more work.

The sucker stood there on the other side of the large, menacing portal with sweat dribbling down his forehead. With trembling hands, he wiped away the sweat and turned to the lone scientist in the room, who was furiously scribbling notes onto a black notepad.

"How long until it's ready?" The traveler asked, as his eyes wandered around the large sterile room. Nothing but that one scientist and this machine from hell. Almost everything in the large room was painted white, with the portal and anything connected to it coated in grey plastic. He figured that he would'veve had a decent chance to check out the rest of the place, but they were still a little pissed about the clogged toilet.

"Not long at all. We just need conformation from the other side of the gate to see whether or not you're going." The scientist replied in a typical, monotone voice. Truthfully he was envious of this idiot. This new world was a paradise for scientists who wanted to leave their mark in their own fields of work, but instead they're sending an idiot simply because he is "physically fit, mentally stable, and replaceable in case of failure." The nerve of these people. The bitter scientist thought, as he took a quick glance at the moron who was fidgeting with his cheap pair of sunglasses.

His thoughts were pulled away from the sweaty man as the portal let off a soft crackle of electricity. A note fluttered out of the mechanical gateway only to be tugged from the air by the scientist. A simple sheet of paper with black ink on it's surface hinting at a possible signature from Equestria's ruler.

Caleb Morales has been approved to enter the land of Equestria. As long as he obeys the laws set in place by the Solar Empire, he will be welcome to a peaceful visit in our humble country. However, we expect him to pull his own weight and treat his fellow citizens with the respect he would show any other human. If he harms another pony he will be subjected to the judicial system Equestria has set in place. No exceptions.

Princess Celestia

"Wow she really gets straight to the point." The scientist exclaimed in amusement, before he quickly passed the note to the idiotic explorer. "We only get one chance. Don't mess this up for us."

Caleb only gave a quick nod before he stuffed the note into one of the many pockets attached to his green backpack. "Is there anything else I should worry about doing?"

"We put several notebooks and a few audio recorders into your backpack. Just remember to record as much as possible during your stay." The scientist pointed out. "Don't over do it with the pointless details okay?"

The portal gave off another loud crackle of electricity pulling their attention back to the matter at hand. "Just get going!" The scientist hissed, gesturing an impatient hand towards the open portal.

Taking in a deep breath, Caleb said a few prayers to god and began his walk through the portal. He vision would quickly fade as the electrical power of the portal quickly to hold of the traveler. His body shook, he limbs twitched, and he vision was quickly flooded with a blinding light. The noise that threatened to rip his ear drums apart was akin to that of a roaring train, bearing down on his five foot seven inch frame.

He didn't feel any movement, but the light only drew closer and closer until he was flung out of the portal. The one hundred and forty five pound missile finally met its target when it collided into a soft patch of grass.

"ARRGH! My BACK!" He hissed, as he laid there in a twisted heap. His dark brown eyes quickly scanned the area finding that it did indeed fit the description the scientists had explained to him in the short amount of time he spent prepping for his trip. Everything was a little too colorful for comfort.

The grass was a painfully bright shade of green, the cloudless sky was a harsh shade of blue, and flowers that surrounded the area were colorful shades of crimson and violet. The items that he brought with him began to devolve in terms of detail, as his clothes shifted from their usual form into a more cartoonish state.

His jeans seemed to transfom into a threadless pair of pants, his grey shirt lost any markings it once had in his world, and his arms became hairless. His arms had become nothing more than flat shades of brown with the only hint that they were still arms coming from the fingernails on his hands.

"Hello?" A curious voice called, as Caleb laid there on his spot in the grass. A few feet away from the heap of a human was a small, purple pony who lloked a little worried about the creatures condition. "Are you alright?"

"Yeah I'm fine." Caleb replied with a grunt, as he recalled who this pony was. Twilight Sparkle. Apparently she was an improtant member of group responsible for integrating humans into Equestria. I wish I could have superpowers for being nice. The jealous man thought, as he looked up at the pathetically small pony from his spot in the dirt.

Standing, her head would barely make past his knees with her horn providing a small boost in terms of height. Her "fur" coat was a light shade of purple, though it seemed to lack anything resembling fur. The human merely attributed that to the worlds cartoonish features and began to drag himself off of the ground.

As simple as it sounds to accomplish, even that was a bit difficult. The grass was distinguishable from the rest of the flora and fauna, but it still lacked depth and detail. It was almost like walking though a large field of snow, leaving him hesitant to take his first few steps.

"Is there something wrong?" Twilight asked, as she watched the bipedal creature slowly bring his long leg down to the terrifying patch of grass. She knew that humans had trouble adapting to a different world, but this was a little unnerving. She'd seen fillies with more depth perception this creature.

"How the hell do y'all get around!? The grass is damn near the same color!" The human hissed as he slowly made his way to the perplexed pony, who had finally come to the consensus that this was one of the dumb ones.

"You.....Could hold my hoof if you really want to." Twilight offered hesitantly, as she got a dumbfounded look from the prideful buffoon.

"No thanks. I can handle this." He replied, as he slowly walked over to the ponies position. Step after very slow step and he had finally pulled himself closer to the ponies position in the large, empty field.. "So where exactly do I go from here?"

"You don't do anything. Just hold still." Twilight ordered as she began to focus a steady stream of energy to her small horn. Eventually the horn began to give off a purple glow, as the unicorn zoned in on her destination. "I hope you studied up on magic."

"Wha-"

POP!

Eventually the two finally re-appeared in an area that was familiar to the purple unicorn. A library with walls filled with books. The magically skilled unicorn landed on her feet with the grace of an elk. The human, however, fell flat on his back in a state of shock and agony.

"FUUUUUUUUCK! Don't do that again!" He grunted, as he rolled over and planted his nauseated face into the cold, wooden floor. His entire body felt as though it had been twisted and warped into shapes that no man would ever wish upon even his greatest of enemies. For a minute, he actually thought that he was a woman and that his precious "member" had been vaporized into nothing more than cosmic dust.

"You'll get used to it. Most humans get over the magic in a few weeks." She stated, as she gave the sick human a few reassuring pats on his back. The human only swung his frail arm at the pony in a pathetic attempt to send her away. Her attempt at physical reassurance was only making him that much sicker.

"SPIKE! GET DOWN HERE AND SAY HI!" The librarian roared, as she made her way to her desk. She was beyond eager to send her mentor a letter on her success on bringing another human to Ponyville. "Is there anything you want to ask the Princess mister........Human?"

"Just call me Caleb. And tell her to tone it down with the sunlight." He hissed, silently cursing the Equestrian leader and her cursed sun.

"What is it Twilight?" Spike asked, as he slowly descended the winding set of stairs with a yawn building up in the back of his throat. "Did we get another one of those THINGS?"

"Spike! Don't be rude to our guest!" Twilight yelled, as she furiously scribbled down a few notes for the Princess. "Go and gather the others. We need to give Ponyville's newest human a proper welcome!" she ordered, with her attention still being commanded by the parchment.

"Make sure you bring me a bucket." Caleb asked weakly, with his face still planted firmly into the floor.

"Bring him a bucket Spike."

30 Minutes and one bucket of vomit later......

"Oh dear Celestia." Rainbow Dash whispered, trying to cover her eyes from the horrible sight. "He's bucking hideous! He looks like a walking pile of skin! Where's his fur? Does he at least have a cutie mark?"

"I can hear you dumbass." The human stated, as he glared daggers at the disgusted pegasus. "I don't need to hear any of that from some freak with wings."

"WHAT DID YOU CALL ME!?" Rainbow Dash roared, as she hopped up onto four angry hooves.

"I said that you LOOK LIKE A FREAK."

"YOU PLOTHEAD!" With a loud cry, Rainbow Dash attempted a futile charge at the snickering human, who didn't even bother to put his hands up in self defense. With Rainbow Dash's tail being held down by an orange hoof, the cocky human was spared a beating from a fifty pound pony.

"Cool it Rainbow. Ya can't call somepony ugly and expect ta get away with it." Applejack pointed out, as she kept a firm hood planted on the furious pony's tail.

"We've had a few humans move into town already, Rainbow. What's so bad about him?" Twilight asked, as she rubbed her head to help relieve a crippling headache.

"Yeah, but at least they weren't total jerks." Rainbow Dash hissed, as she turned her back on a human that was making a very rude gesture with his middle finger.

"Let's just keep this conversation civilized all right?" Rarity had been trying her best to pacify the situation, but the human and the cyan pegasus had been taking verbal jabs at each other for the past five minutes and it had all finally reached its breaking point. Fluttershy had been reduced to tears in minutes, Rainbow Dash was inches away from murder, and Spike was the only thing keeping Rarity from storming away. "The Princess won't be very pleased if she hears about our poor behavior."

"Rarity's right. We have to get everything settled before we can get on with our own lives. Rainbow Dash, whether you like it or not, you HAVE to help him find a decent job. Sweet Apple Acres already has more than enough......Helping hands! HAHAHAHAHA!"

........Twilight was never really good at jokes.

When her terrible pun was met with silence and a few awkward coughs from Pinkie, She finally decided to get back on topic. "ANYWAY. You're the one that has to find him a job. Got it Rainbow?" Twilight asked, as she narrowed her eyes at the annoyed pegasus.

".........Fine. But I don't have to be nice to him."