Will these hands ne’er be clean?
Twilight’s mind raced in circles. The darkness of her room did nothing to hide the visions of her memory. Over and over the thing replayed itself. Why... why did it have to happen like that. What did she do?
Five friends sat in awkward silence in the main room of the library. The air was of a funeral, though they mourned nopony’s death. A sudden hard sob echoed from the upper room. The five all winced in unison with empathetic frowns.
Pinkie moved, her expression grim; her friend was hurting, crying. Fluttershy's hoof settled on her withers, “No... She needs time alone. Let her cry it out.”
“But-” Pinkie started.
Applejack cut her short, “Now, don’t go thinking we ant helping just because we’re not in the same room. She knows we’re here. We’ll try gettin' her to eat here soon.”
Pinkie consigned herself with a heavy sigh.
The crying slowly faded into a shuffling sound. Rainbow Dash lifted off the ground to watch the bedroom door. Hope faded from her face when it did not open after a moment. “I don’t get why she’s taking it so hard! I mean, she saved a foal’s life.”
Twilight came to from a fit of bawling that she did not recall starting. Looking down at her wet hooves, memories came unbidden.
She could hear a wet sound, blood gurgles and spits out of an open wound as dying-lungs aspirate their own life’s blood. Such a quiet sound, yet it drowns out the screaming around her. Black frothy blood wets her hooves; not tears.
Her stomach lurched, tearing her from the flashback, a gag sent her rushing to the bathroom.
A solid knock on the door prompts the five friends to rise from their seats. They watch as Spike goes to politely turn away another concerned pony. He was already halfway into his “I’m sorry but-” speech before anypony could see who it was.
They all froze, then bowed to the new visitor. “I hope you’ll forgive my intrusion,” Celestia said.
“No! Please!” Spike said opening the door to usher her through. “It would mean a lot to her, if you were here.”
Celestia smiled and nodded as she took a seat among the others. “I came here as soon as I could. How’s she handling... it?” That was not exactly true. She had stopped to check in on the Mayor and the morgue first. She allowed the Mayor to fill her in on the gritty details of the event. Celestia assured her that she would handle everything with Twilight. That had come as no small relief to the Mayor. The morgue had been a research trip. She needed to know what had ended the stallions life. Killed by magic, she could still feel the power lingering on him. It had been a very simple spell; levitate. But, the amount of power poured into it had been astronomical. In a cold sort of way, she counted the stallion lucky. Killed with mercy, his head taken off with a twist at the speed of thought. He never knew what happened.
Rarity cleared her throat to answer the Princesses question. “She’s been in her room for hours now, crying and throwing up. The poor dear doesn't want to see anypony or talk."
Twilight rolled to the cold floor of her bathroom; gall still in her mouth. ‘Why did I do it.” she asked herself.
“Do what?” a voice within asked her.
“You know.”
“Tell me.”
“I killed a pony” she answered herself, before jerking up to dry heave.
A stranger had a yearling foal in one foreleg and a knife in the other. The huge stallion was ranting something she couldn’t understand. A unicorn’s horn lit up, somepony trying to pull the foal free. The stranger screamed and brandished the blade towards the unicorn then the foal.
She could see another stallion laid out in the middle of the crowd. She recognized him, he was one of Applejack’s neighbors. He looked badly hurt, but alive.
Two more ponies were talking with the crazed stranger now. One was trying to distract him, while the other poised to grab the little one.
He smelled the trap and screamed with the knife pressed into the foals neck. She could see a thin line of blood starting to form. The poor thing was screaming so loud.
The two backed off in supplication. The stranger glared first and the earth pony in front of him, then turned his back to her; to check the pegasus behind him. Yelling again he brought the knife up high and fast. “-Kill just so you know I’m serious” she heard him say. Twilight’s horn lit into a glow that left those near her dazzled for hours.
A soft knock on the door woke her from her stupor. “Twilight,” a sweet voice called; it was Celestia. “You should eat. Do you want me to bring some food in or do you want to come down?”
Sniveling with her face pressed against the hard cold tile, Twilight mustered all the voice she could, “Not hungry.”
“Twilight,” Celestia’s voice was so comforting. It always was. But, now it was a balm on her soul. “Can I come in?” Celestia asked.
“-murderer.”
Celestia placed a hoof on the door and opened it just enough to hear better. “Twilight you’re not a-”
“Murderer. You shouldn’t be seen with me.”
Twilight skipped down the main road of Ponyville. Dash had told them last month, that today was scheduled for perfect weather. So, the girls decided to have a picnic. She had been looking forward to this for weeks. They were going to meet at the Sugar Cube Corner and then head out for a hike. She giggled in anticipation of the day ahead. The six of them rarely had a chance to hang out all at once.
An anxious circle of ponies caught her eye. Something was going on. She had better see what it was.
A warm touch brought her back to the bathroom floor. Something was sitting down next to her. She whimpered and tried to scuttle away from it. “Shhh...” Celestia whispered.
Twilight stopped and looked up at the tender eyes. They were sad and caring. Twilight took in a breath that shuttered as it went in, then bawled like a foal. Celestia sighed and laid a hoof across Twilight's withers. The little gesture prompted Twilight to bury her face in Celestia’s mane. She held Twilight close and let her cry. She had no words for her student. But, she would be there all the same.
“You had to do it you know” The inner voice told her.
“You mean kill a pony.”
“Yes, killing him was the least bloody way that could have ended.”
“That’s hard to believe. Fifty ponies were dripping with blood after I ripped his head off”
“You’re being morose, and you know that’s not what I meant.”
“Tell me, what did you mean?”
“Others would have died. At the very least him and the foal. Who knows how many others would have been hurt.”
Luna stood watching the sleeping Twilight. She touched her troubled dreams only lightly; she dared not alter them. Dreams are the medicine of the soul. Twilight was strong, she would not follow her mistakes. Her wounds would heal, not consume her. But to heal properly, a wound must be examined and cleaned.
Twilight awoke with a gasp. It was the middle of the night now. She was in her bed, carefully tucked in. She wondered briefly how she had gotten there, but a pair of eyes staring at her from the darkness arrested the thoughts. “Who’s there?’ she asked.
A slender dark alicorn emerged out of the shadows and peered down at her. “Lu... Luna?” She asked.
“Yes Twilight Sparkle.”
“Why are you here?”
“Can I not worry about you too?”
Twilight winced at the answer. “Sorry, Thank you. But-”
“You killed a pony with a single thought Twilight Sparkle”
Twilight shook all over. She stammered for words, but found none.
“You are dangerous Twilight Sparkle. Your power is second only to ours, and now you have killed with it.”
She was getting dizzy again. Her guts lurched and she scrambled for the bathroom.
Luna stood in the door behind her as Twilight spat bile. “Yet, perhaps you are stronger than I,” Luna said.
Twilight looked over her shoulder at the moon god, not sure where she was going with this. “I do not recall the first pony I killed." Luna paused and strode closer. “I killed thousands and never wept, and for that I was rightfully called a monster”
The room spun and Twilight fell limp on the floor by Luna’s hooves.
Celestia watched the dawn shine into the library. The five friends slept scattered about the room, it had been an odd sort of sleep over. She would go up and check on Twilight shortly. First she would see about making coffee and starting breakfast for the others.
Twilight again found herself in her bed, the sun was up this time. Gentle sounds wafted up from the room below. The smell of breakfast followed the murmur of conversations; her stomach growled and whined.
Slowly she wandered into the main area of the library. She could hear them talking about her. Yet, her mind refused to understand anything that was being said. It all came across as white noise. The talk faded when she turned the corner into the kitchen. Unable to look them in the face, she kept her gaze on the floor, even as she sat at the table.
“Hungry...” Twilight said.
Twilight made slow work of her breakfast. It was normal, comforting. So many good friends so close. Still, she couldn’t look them in the eye. She kept her face towards her plate as she ate, while her friends made quiet conversation; even Celestia joined in the small talk.
With her plate almost clean she laid the fork down with a sigh. She was full, but not ready to leave the table. This bit of normal was too precious to her, she couldn't bring herself to shatter the moment. If she looked up, she would see disappointment in her friend's eyes, maybe even fear. The thought along cracked what resolve she had built up. Shoving the plate aside, she wept into her forelegs.
Two hooves wrapped around her with a passion that startled her. It pulled her up off the ground and shook her like a rag doll. “Please stop crying,” Pinkie said before setting her back down, but not releasing her hold.
Blinking tears from her eyes, Twilight found the others looking at her. She turned her head in shame, but she had seen their expressions; they were not fear or loathing. Glancing back she melted inside. They all had sad smiles and concerned eyes; they were worried about her.
“Twilight honey, you wana talk about it?” Applejack asked.
“You’ll feel better. I promise darling,” Rarity added. Everypony around the table added their own approval to the idea.
Twilight leaned into Pinkie. Her warmth seemed to drive out the chill she felt in her heart.
“Why didn’t I just take the knife away?”
“He broke Caramel's jaw. Laid him out with one hit, Twilight. The knife didn't make him dangerous, he was dangerous; out to kill. Nopony questions that,” Applejack said. “No tellin’ how he would of reacted to you yanking away that knife. Could have broke that foals neck right then.”
‘The knife didn't make him dangerous, he was dangerous,’ rolled through her mind. Twilight tucked her head into Pinkie’s chest, “I’m dangerous.”
“Twilight Sparkle, you are not dangerous.” Celestia chided.
“I decapitated a four hundred kilo stallion!”
The room went silent for a moment. Fluttershy prodded at the remains of her meal, “You... you were protecting that foal.”
“You are not the stallion. You are the knife, Twilight,” Celestia said.
Twilight shifted in the clutches of Pinkie, to bring her attention to her mentor, “I don’t understand.”
Dash floated up over the table and looked into Twilight’s eyes, “You used your magic to save ponies. Just forget the rest.”
Applejack pulled Dash back to the ground, “What you did, it was the only sure way to save a lot of ponies from getting hurt. I ant sayin it should set well with ya. But you should be proud that you saved a life too.”
“What I think the Princess was getting at, was the matter of choice,” Rarity said, looking for a nod of agreement from Celestia. When the Princess tipped her head in agreement she continued, “That, pony. He made a choice some where that lead him to violence. You Twilight, did not. The knife he held, has no more blame for the harm it caused, than you do.”
Twilight shook her head, “I could have walked away.”
Dash blustered at the statement, “Like hay you could have! That would be choosing to let him hurt ponies.” Applejack laid a hoof across Dash and physically smoothed her feathers. Mumbles traded between them. But, Twilight couldn’t understand them.
Twilight reeled at the scolding, Dash had a point. Choice, it really was just a matter of action or inaction; equally responsible for both choices. “Still feel bad,” Twilight grumbled.
“Good,” Celestia said. Her comment gathered all the attention in the room. Several faces showed hurt or insult. She raised a hoof in placation continuing, “ Twilight, if you did not feel remorse for what you had to do I would be very worried. I-”
“No, I understand” Twilight interrupted. “A monster kills without remorse. Luna told me that.” Had Luna told her that? The memory was so fuzzy. It could have been a dream. Even calling it a dream was a bit nebular with Luna.
Pinkie squeezed hard for a moment and nuzzled her cheek. The affection brought the barest smile to her lips. She was going to be ok. She would get through this, and her friends would be there for her along the way. She could say she was not a monster. The princess had put her own sister down. She knew very well that the goddess would put her down too without hesitation; if it came to that. Instead Celestia sat in her kitchen consoling her. That spoke volumes to her.
She would heal and there would be a scar, but she would be stronger too. For now she would smile a little and cry a little.
Author's Note
This story is only me asking. "What if Twilight had to Kill somepony?"
It's mostly a writing exercise.
Also: Yes I know equines are biologically unable to vomit.
