Science has a big hole and it needs to be filled immediately
Spunk Science
by the parasprite
1. Science has a big hole and it needs to be filled immediately
Normally, Twilight Sparkle wasn’t the kind of mare who went out drinking. Even abnormally, she still wasn’t the kind of mare who went out drinking.
But once in a while, she felt it acceptable to just sit back and enjoy a cider or two at one of Pinkie’s after-parties. This was usually because somepony had spiked the punch at the real party and already lowered her inhibitions enough that she would accept a drink from Pinkie or Dash, and then she would proceed to get slightly drunk. Then she would get more drunk, and then really drunk, and then pass out, but only after singing, dancing, and making a complete fool of herself.
The party Pinkie held for Twilight’s library having exactly nine thousand six hundred and forty-four books—which she said was a ‘party number’—was one of those times.
It was a loud and obnoxious party that left the library in a state of disarray, so after the other guests had gone, the girls stayed with Twilight and Pinkie to help them clean up the mess. The task had been made all the more difficult by how tipsy they'd become, and to make matters even worse, it turned out Pinkie had some cider stashed in who-knew-what dimension. Bottles were soon passed around between the six mares, and before they knew it, all six were properly drunk.
“I can fly backwards and upshide down and you caaaan’t, Twiliiiight!” Rainbow Dash bragged, doing just that instead of helping Applejack turn the sofa back to its proper position like she ought to have been. She ended up helping anyway, though, as she crashed into the sofa, causing it to flip upright.
“Better watch where y’all’re goin’ there, sugercube,” said Applejack as she moved on to right Twilight's armchair. “Might end up makin’ yerself useful.”
“I can shtill fly upside down and backwards, and Twilightcan’t!” Dash rolled off the sofa onto the floor and staggered back to her hooves. “It’s really important.”
Twilight, who was far less intoxicated than Dash, and marginally less so than Applejack, sipped her own cider while she cleared confetti off the shelves and put the books back on them. “Why is it important, Rainbow?”
“'Cause... I forget.”
The others giggled, while Rainbow crawled back onto the sofa and laid down on it, making incomprehensible moaning noises that, for the most part, all sounded similar to ‘blargh’.
“I can’t believe there are nine thousand six hundred and forty four books in this library,” Pinkie announced. She was following Twilight around like a second tail and immediately switching around the books the unicorn put back on the shelves. For once, Twilight couldn't be bothered to stop her. “It’s just so amazing and I can’t believe it. I could believe it when there were nine thousand six hundred and forty three books. Maybe I’ll be able to believe it when there are nine thousand six hundred and forty five books. But not nine thousand six hundred and forty four books!”
“I wonder what the new title is." Twilight sipped her drink again and leaned her head on a hoof, gazing at a bookshelf without really seeing the books on it. “...Mm. You know, I don’t think Spike actually told me. He just said somepony donated another book, and then Pinkie burst through the door with her party cannon.”
“Yeppers,” Pinkie agreed as she switched the Sunset series with the collected works of Neightzchi. She hopped over Fluttershy, who was on the floor in the center of the room trying to stack empty cider bottles.
“I’ll go have a look at the records then... assuming Spike updated them.”
After storing her drink safely on an untouched shelf, Twilight plodded over to the filing cabinet where she kept the library’s catalogue and began rifling through them to find the entry for the newest book.
“Nine thousand six hundred and forty two... nine thousand six hundred and forty three... nine thousand six hundred and forty four, here we are.” Twilight held up the little notecard and read off, “‘The South Beach Diet’. Ugh, not another diet book... I’m starting to think they’re being sent by companies trying to advertise weight loss products, you know.”
“Ew,” said Pinkie Pie, wrinkling her nose. “Dieting.”
Applejack snorted. “Guess it don’t occur to folks ta just get up’n move. They gotta have all kinds’a fancy diets that don’t even work. Ya don’t eat and ya don’t lose weight with 'em; ain't nothin' positive to be found. Don’t see why they’re so popular.”
“I'll have you know I diet regularly,” huffed Rarity. “Not excessively, of course, but how else could I maintain my glorious figure while working at a sewing machine all day? Low-carbohydrate diets are actually quite effective if one goes through with them properly.”
“Low-carb’s nassshty... I like carbsh.” Dash was hanging off the end of the sofa’s arm, her nose nearly touching the floor. “Delicious... Mmm, food... Keepsh me in the air...”
“Ya gotsho mushulsh unlesh ya eatshum protein,” said Fluttershy, who was swaying more than any of the others. This led to her pyramid of cider bottles toppling over as she spoke. “Ahh, oopsh. Look at'm go. But ya gotsha have protein, or ya gonna die...”
“Screw yer protein,” Rainbow Dash slurred as a bottle rolled past her and clinked against the wall. “I got my energy barsh.”
“Actually, those energy bars I’ve seen you eating are probably very high in protein,” Twilight said to Dash, who merely gave her a dismissive wing-wave in reply.
“You wanna know what else is really high in protein?” said Pinkie with a sly smile.
“What, Pinkie?”
Pinkie didn't say anything for quite some time after that, until she suddenly jumped to her hooves and started hopping energetically around the room while chanting, “Cum, cum, cum, cum, cum!”
“That is... actually true,” Twilight acknowledged, unfazed by Pinkie’s antics due to her familiarity with the party mare, and also to a degree because of her cider consumption. “Semen is about fifty percent protein.”
“And it’s yummy in my tummy! And it goes good on cupcakes. Cum, cum, cum, cum—Oof!" Pinkie banged face-first into a wall, ending her performance.
“What’s the other four thirds?” asked Applejack, who was equally as unfazed as Twilight was.
“Oh, let me think... Sodium, citrate, calcium, magnesium, glucose, fructose, chloride, lactic acid, zinc, carbon diox—”
“Everyshing,” Dash summarized. She was now walking around in circles and fluttering her wings restlessly, as she usually did when she didn’t fly for more than five minutes at a time. “’Like yer takin’ a multivitamin.”
“Rainbow Dash, that implication was very crude and inappropriate... although zinc supplements are supposed to be very good for one’s coat and coiffure, I’ll admit,” said Rarity thoughtfully, lifting her drink and swirling it around.
“What are you talking ab—Oh.” Twilight rolled her eyes. “Yes, I suppose your body would break down the semen and absorb the nutrients just like any other... food. However, there’s not that much zinc in semen, so I doubt you’d see much of an effect. In fact, I don’t think your... coiffure would change that much unless you swallowed quite a bit of it.”
Dash’s wings opened with a loud sproiiing and stood rigid at her sides. Completely unabashed, she stopped and strained them until they shut again, then resumed walking around in circles, giggling madly at her body's indecent behavior.
“I heard a story once, and it was about a mare, and like, she was ugly, and mean, and prudish, and nopony liked her, and she hated everypony," chirped Pinkie. "But then she drank like forty gallons of spunk at a party, and then everypony wanted to be her friend all of a sudden, and then she dated the stallion who had the biggest you-know-what, and then they got married, and then they had three fillies, and then one of them moved out and became a baker."
“Shruuuee luuurve,” Fluttershy cooed while Pinkie clopped her hooves together happily. “Shooo romannshiccsh.”
Nodding, Pinkie concluded, “And it proves that eating jizz makes you a better pony.”
“They do say that ‘a lady always swallows’. Though I’ve thought about going for a facial, if you know what I mean.”
“You can’t possibly think rubbing sperm on your face is good for it...” said Twilight.
“You never know, darling.”
Twilight opened her mouth to refute this, but found that she could think of nothing with which to refute it. While Pinkie started to ramble at top speed about the things she liked to put semen on, Twilight racked her brain trying to remember if any of those journals had featured a study about the physiological effects of consuming or absorbing large amounts of semen. Having subscribed to literally every reputable scientific journal she knew of, she had a rather vast repository of studies to draw on when she was trying to work something out, and she was pretty sure she would have remembered a study like that.
“Hmm,” Twilight said. “Spike, can you get my reference guide for scientific studies? Spike?”
She looked around, and then remembered that it was the middle of the night and Spike was asleep upstairs. Sighing, she tried the second best option, which was to dig it out by herself. This took some time because of how Pinkie had rearranged everything in the library, but eventually she found it in the gardening section.
“Semen consumption... semen consumption...” she muttered to herself, tuning out Pinkie’s ongoing rambling as she cast a spell to search the guide for instances of that phrase or any of its synonyms.
She watched the reference guide's many pages flip through on their own, surrounded by her magic’s lavender aura.Twilight's expression grew steadily more anxious as the right half of the book got smaller and smaller; morphing from a casually expectant look into a frown, and then into budding disbelief, until the disbelief was replaced by mute horror when the back cover closed over without a single result showing up.
Twilight just sat there, staring at the empty black back of her scientific study guide, momentarily unable to fully express the sheer existential terror she was experiencing.
“...So I gave it a biiiiiig long lick like it was an octouplerific-scoop ice-cream sundae shaped like a penis,” Pinkie was saying to the others, who were listening attentively to her rambling for once, “and then I opened my mouth reeeeeaaal wide so he could shoot his delicious, creamy load of cum right down my thr—”
The scream Twilight had been holding in since closing the book interrupted Pinkie's story and startled all five mares so badly that they, despite their drunkenness, jumped into the air.
“Oh, dear Celestia! This is terrible! How could this have happened?” Twilight cried, dropping the book in a rare instance of her instinct to protect precious written literature was overridden by something stronger—in this case, panic.
“Aww, don’t tell me you’re not a fan of bukkake,” said Pinkie, ears drooping.
“No, it's not that! I’ve just found out there’s a hole in science, girls!”
Dash snickered like a college fratcolt on a panty raid. “Heh... a hole.”
“Whacha talkin’ about, Twi?” asked Applejack.
Jabbing both forehooves, and also both wings, at the reference guide, Twilight took a deep, steadying breath and said, “There’s never, ever been a systematic study of the physiological effects of long-term consumption of large quantities of semen by any reputable institution! It’s an unknown! Unexplored! Untouched! Untapped!” Her eye started twitching. “Science doesn’t know something!”
“Don’t you think you might be overreacting just a tad, darling?” asked Rarity with a nervous smile. “You do have a tendency to... do that...”
“I don’t think you understand, Rarity,” Twilight growled, zooming up until they were nose-to-nose. “Science does not know something. Knowledge is incomplete. Do you not understand the ramifications of that? It could be the key to unlocking the meaning of life—don’t you understand that?”
“Drinkin’ sperm could be the key ta unlockin’ the meaning’a life.” Applejack pushed her hat back and scratched her head in bewilderment. “Ah’ll be darned if that ain’t the strangest thing Ah’ve heard since Applebloom got herself stuck inside a cider barrel without unsealin’ the top.”
“Yes, yes, it could be the meaning of—I mean, it could be the key to—It could be very important!” said Twilight. She used her hoof to smooth back her mane, some of which had sprung up during her initial frenzy. “That’s why we have to fill the hole as soon as possible.”
“Heh,” said Dash, grinning an extremely perverted grin. “’Fill th'hole.”
“I must answer this question,” Twilight continued as she began to pace around the library. “I must apply... the scientific method.”
She waited for her audience to display the appropriate awe in response to her announcement. Instead, all she got was a pair of drunken earth ponies and a unicorn staring at her in confusion, a smashed rainbow pegasus giggling and repeating ‘Fill the hole’ to herself, and a yellow-and-pink mare ignoring her in favor of stacking bottles again. Huffing, Twilight levitated a pen and parchment into the air in front of her.
“We are trying to determine the long-term effect upon the equine body of the oral ingestion and subsequent digestion of equine semen,” she said. The pen wrote down her words exactly. “Said effects are unknown but may include nutritional benefits, increased physical health, and, uh... increased attractiveness and desirability to the opposite sex, apparently.”
“Heh... she said sex...” Dash guffawed.
“The most effective way to ascertain the nature of these effects is to conduct an experiment in which we magnify the typical situation that results in the ingestion of semen. These macro-level effects will allow us to determine what bodily functions are most affected, and then narrow our subsequent research to focus on those areas.”
“Who’s this ‘we’ yer talkin’ about, Twi?” asked Applejack.
“Shh," said Pinkie loudly, “Twilight’s sciencing!”
“To magnify the results, the subject in question will of course have to consume a very large amount of semen over an extended period of time,” Twilight continued, still pacing and still auto-writing. “In order to prevent contamination of the results, all other substances save for water will need to be eliminated from the subject’s diet and replaced with semen for at least one week.”
There was another sproiiing as Dash’s wings shot open again to smack both Pinkie and Applejack in their faces. Dash left them open this time, not bothering to fight the tumescence or even hide her sudden avid interest in Twilight’s words.
“Can I be the subject? Can I? Can I?” Pinkie bounded around the room excitedly. “I always wanted to suck a hundred dicks!”
“Pinkie, every time you try to go on a diet, you end up breaking it in less than five minutes,” said Twilight. “Besides, all the samples will have to be collected from the Canterlot sperm bank. Fresh semen would be of more use to the experiment, of course, since most ponies who, uh, consume it don’t do so after freezing it. But that brings us to the question of where somepony would come by fresh semen samples three times a day on a regular basis. I suppose I could put an ad in the newspaper, but I don’t think there are many healthy stallions who would be receptive to having a large metal object rammed into their rectum to deliver an electric shock.”
“Pardon?” Rarity coughed, lowering her drink.
“Well,” Twilight explained, “the samples should be collected in the most efficient manner possible—that is, via electrostimulation of the prostate. It’s the most effective method of inducing ejaculation without sexual arousal.”
“Ah think you might have some success gettin’ yer ‘fresh samples’ if ya jus’ handed them a cup and told ‘em where the bathroom is,” said Applejack.
“Oh, no,” Twilight told her, waving a hoof as though to dismiss the idea. “That wouldn’t work. I’ll have to be on hoof to observe the collection process, after all, and it’s the most efficient—”
“Nopony elshe gets their cum by shovin’ a cattle prod up anypony’s butt,” Rainbow Dash pointed out.
“It might mess everything up, and stuff!” added Pinkie ominously. “What then, miss sciency-pants?”
“That... is true.” Twilight had to concede that for once, Pinkie actually did have a good point. “It could affect the data if electrical stimulation were involved in the collection when it typically isn't in a normal setting. So, no electrostimulation. But it’ll still be a very specific task, involving very specific measurements, and I just can’t trust others to take that responsibility. I suppose I’m just going to have to, ah—get the samples by hoof.”
“Jerking them off?” asked Pinkie. She sounded hopeful now.
“...Yes, Pinkie... jerking them off. Into a container, obviously. Now there’s just the question of which three ponies would be willing to donate sperm once a day for a week—”
The words were hardly out of Twilight's mouth when Dash suggested, “Big Mac."
“Y’all leave mah brother outta this,” AJ said to Dash.
“They would have to be STD-free and in good health, of course,” said Twilight, ignoring the two. “I can do tests for that sort of thing in my lab. Somepony would probably respond to an ad, I suppose...”
“I jusht god tested... Imma totally clean,” Dash told her, stretching her wings casually and rocking dangerously to the side. Twilight fixed her with a stony look.
“You don’t have a penis or testicles, Rainbow Dash.”
Rainbow Dash looked down. “Oh... yeah.”
“Although,” Twilight mused after a moment, “there is a spell that could change that for a short length of time. It’s capable of creating working male sperm and genetic material as well as primary genitalia. The fact that you were born female shouldn’t affect results... hmm. Alright, Rainbow Dash is in as, uh, donor number one.”
Dash pumped her hoof in the air and mouthed, ‘yes!’. She managed to fall over as a result.
“I want one too!” Pinkie pouted. “Pleeeeeeease? Please, Twilight? Please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please—”
“Okay! Okay!” Twilight cried over her pleading. “Ahem... so that’s two volunteers...”
“Rarity wantsh one too,” Dash blurted out. Rarity glared at the drunkenly giggling rainbow mare.
“I most certainly do not want a stallion’s parts hanging between my legs, Rainbow Dash,” she said, sitting back and crossing her forelegs in disgust. “It’s the most unladylike thing imaginable.”
“C’mon, Raresh... ya know ya want it.”
“Absolutely not! I am perfectly happy as a mare, thank you very much! Although...” the unicorn added after a moment, sounding like she was suddenly seeing the idea from a new point of view, “I’ve sometimes wondered... what it would be like... to be unbound from the shackles of this chauvinistic, male-dominated society—to be a male myself, able to do whatever I pleased... to see the world from the other side, so to speak.”
“So, um...” Twilight asked, not sure of Rarity’s decision.
Rarity waffled for a bit longer before finally, and with some hesitation, inquiring, “It’s not permanent, is it?”
“It wears off after three hours... or, if you don’t want it that long, there’s also a counterspell,” said Twilight.
“I see... I think I could schedule fifteen minutes a day for the next week. It’s been a slow month, creatively and business-wise, so I don’t have that much to do. And you know what they say about idle hooves. Why not experience something new while I have time?”
“Alright then.” Twilight added Rarity’s name to the list. “I suppose I’ll have to add my name, too. Normally, it wouldn’t be a good idea, but the primary sex organ swap spell is apparently going to be universal in this experiment. We’re specifically testing the effects of the oral ingestion of the bodily fluid known as semen, not the ingestion of its individual components. Being produced by the test subject should have little or no relevance to the actual results...”
“Wait a shec... you’re gonna eat your own...” Dash’s wings began to visibly pulsate. “Wow.”
“Well—I’m obviously going to be the test subject, first and foremost, but that doesn’t mean I can’t, ah, produce samples myself,” said Twilight with a dismissive wave of her hoof, not bothering to look up from her paper as she planned out the experiment. “I need to ensure that there’s absolutely no contamination of the results, after all, and I can’t keep an eye on another pony’s dietary habits twenty four hours a day for an entire week without significant sleep loss. As I said, it’s not relevant who the semen comes from, as we’re testing what happens when it’s broken down by the digestive system.
“And actually,” she added, tapping the pen against her chin, “if Applejack and Fluttershy also contributed, I could switch trios of donors every other day. It would be much easier for all involved. All the penii would be magically generated, and we have a perfect lineup of one member of each pony tribe, as my DNA is still that of a unicorn.”
“Yer askin’ if Ah wanna sign up to clop off a magic rod in yer mouth,” Applejack said.
“Er, more or less... except without the ‘clopping off a magic rod into my mouth’ part. I’m just going to, ah, masturbate you into a cup, and, uh, eat your semen.”
“Mmhm. And y’all didn’t ask before because...?”
“Well, who would want to waste their time doing that?” huffed Twilight. “Do you want to be a part of my experiment or not?”
“Uh, hell yeah, Ah wanna be part of yer experiment,” Applejack replied, looking at her like she was insane for even having to ask.
“I wanna be parssh’a yer ecksparimensh too.” Fluttershy raised her hoof weakly. “I gosshum free sshhime sshamarrow...”
Twilight frowned a bit. “Er, are you sure, Fluttershy?”
"Yesh... yesh... you haveshush nishe wingssh and I wanshoo playwish'em...”
“Well, uh, okay then." Tuning out Fluttershy’s alcohol-soaked rambling, Twilight wrote down both Applejack's and Fluttershy's names, then turned back to her friends. "I’m going to have you all sign notes so you remember what you agreed to in the morning. Oh, and we have to come up with a schedule for my, uh, meals.”
“For when we getta cum in yer mouth,” added Dash. She clopped her hooves together and smiled a wobbly smile. “It'sh gunna be sho aweshum.”
“Let’s see, it’s Thursday,” Twilight muttered to herself. “Tomorrow is Friday... I’ll take tomorrow morning to set up the appropriate equipment in my laboratory, and then I’ll cast the sex organ reassignment spell on myself and, ah, have breakfast. It should give me a chance to get physically familiar with stallion genital anatomy, as I’ve never, you know, ah... Well, I’ve had sex, but I, uh, had other things on my mind besides learning at the time. I’ll do breakfast Friday, Monday, Wednesday, and Friday again. Let me see...”
“Me next, me next!” Pinkie jumped in front of her. “I gotta teach you how to give a good hoofjob, ‘cause, you know. So I’ll do luuuunch!”
Alarm bells went off in Twilight's head. “This isn’t about sex, Pinkie. This is about science.”
“Sex is a science.”
“No, it isn’t! Anyway, no food play, alright?”
“What? Why would I do that?” Pinkie looked somewhat confused. “Cum is just yum when it’s on cupcakes. It’s not like food turns me on or anything.”
“No... no melted white chocolate enemas or... feeding tubes full of liquefied cake...”
“Um... no?”
“No latex? No diapers? No tentacle monsters hiding in the closet waiting to rape me? No double penetration with your evil twin? No Gummy? No violent, potentially deadly S&M on a rack in your basement while cutting off my wings and horn?”
“I just want you to give me a hoofjob,” said Pinkie in a small voice.
“Hm, okay. Somehow, I thought there would be more involved.” Shrugging, Twilight marked down Pinkie for the afternoon on the same days. “Alright... dinner.”
“I’ll makeya dinner, Twilight,” Fluttershy piped up. “Jushhcum round my houshe anyshime in she eveningsh... I’ll be reashy fuhyou...”
“I’ll do dinner on the other days,” said Rarity. “My treat, darling...”
“Oh, thank you,” Twilight said as she wrote.
“A got apple-buckin’ all afternoon, so Ah guess Ah’m doin’ mornin’s. Y’all can just come by’n wait in the barn. Dash’s always asleep in the mornin’ anyway, so it’ll work good.”
“Worksh for me,” said Rainbow. “I’ll come ta ya. Boom, right thru the window...”
“Excellent!” Smiling, Twilight put her notes down. “So we’ll get everything set up tomorrow. If I’m careful, I can avoid having a hangover in the morning and get started then. I’ll have to fast for at least three days before starting, in order to remove as much potential interference as possible, but then I think we’ll be good to go! Tomorrow, I will prepare to embark on a scientific journey!”
“Through an ocean of cum!” Pinkie added.
“Yes, Pinkie... through a figurative ocean of male ejaculate. But it will be completely, entirely, one hundred percent for the glory and advancement of SCIENCE.”
A simple but fun home experiment that produces sticky white goo
Spunk Science
Chapter 2: A simple but fun home experiment that produces sticky white goo
The basement under the Golden Oaks Library had been nearly empty when Twilight had initially moved into the place. After all, there was little to store there except boxes of books, and Twilight had quickly moved those upstairs to be sorted and shelved by Spike. What remained then was a dusty old basement decorated by an electrical box, a single light fixture.
Three years later, the room was no longer empty and dull. The once bare walls were lined with wooden shelves that contained reference books on every topic imaginable, from medicine to physics to magical theory. A few homegrown experiments with plants and such things filled spaces on the counter that took up most of the other side. Between the tree roots growing through spaces in the ceiling and walls were machines designed to collect and measure scientific data, compute huge figures, and create charts and graphs and statistics all on their own. Equipment for carrying out research could also be found there, as could a fully stocked miniature lab station and protective gear.
In short, it was the perfect place to do important things... sciency things.
“This is Twilight Sparkle, performing a recording test... Testing. Testing.”
Twilight's voice echoed slightly around the corners of the lab. She was wearing her favorite white lab coat and a pair of goggles with various enhancing devices attached to them that magnified her eyes several times, making them look enormous and insect-like from the front.
The sole witness to this sight was an enchanted pen surrounded by an aura of violet magic. It stood upright on one of the tables, its tip resting on a clipboard full of paper that was all blank except for the first sheet, which had the words'This is Twilight Sparkle, performing a recording test... Testing. Testing.' scribbled in the top left.
Satisfied that the notation spell was working properly, Twilight discarded the first sheet and let the pen reset itself in the top corner of the new one. She then held up her revised notes, which were much more organized than the draft she'd written while drunk.
For one thing, it had an actual hypothesis. Twilight physically shuddered at this thought.
Unlike some of the others, she'd had a relatively clear memory of the time she'd spent drinking when the morning came, and thus was not particularly perplexed when she found the folded-up plan for the experiment next to a pile of somepony else's vomit. But that preparedness hadn't stopped the sense of panic that crept over her as she reread the details for the first time.
It seemed grotesque and abominable, looking at the words she'd written. A parody of the natural order, a monument to total hatred for all that was good in the world. Even now, in the basement, it sent chills down Twilight's spine and made her cringe in sheer disgust.
How, she still wondered, could she have forgotten to come up with an actualhypothesis for her experiment?
It was a question that would likely never be answered, much like the equally pressing philosophical question of why there was evil in the universe.
But, after three days of work, she was finally ready to implement the first phase of the perfected semen diet experiment. It hadn't taken long for her to rewrite the entire brief into something far more workable. Most of this, save for the rather important addition ofa hypothesis, revolved around the addition of various protocols and data-recording instruments to measure how her body reacted to the semen diet over time.
Twilight adjusted the collar of her lab coat, rearranged the bundle of notes floating beside her, and cleared her throat— the rough sounds all being transcribed by her note taking enchantment.
“Ahem... This is Twilight Sparkle, now recording data for the semen diet experiment," she finally said. "The goal of this study is to determine the overall effect of semen consumption on the equine body. As discussed in detail within the accompanying documents, my hypothesis—which, by the way, was the first thing I came up with for this experiment! I did not toss the scientific method aside like a wadded up piece of trash, spit on it, and viciously grind it into the earth with my hoof, and I certainly did not..."
The ensuing silence was broken only by the scratching of the pen. Twilight waited until it had finished writing before pressing her hooves against the sides of her head and rubbing them in slow circles, silently counting to ten. When she resumed speaking, her voice was quite a bit calmer and her left eye had stopped twitching.
“...Moving on from that unpleasantness. The goal of this experiment, as I said, is to determine the overall effect of semen consumption on the equine body. My hypoth... Myyou-know-what is that semen has few to no significant health benefits save for a small nutritional value. In order to obtain data relating to this, I, Twilight Sparkle, will spend one week eating nothing except fresh semen in place of my normal meals."
Twilight paused to smooth out some creases and minor wrinkles in her extremely official-looking lab coat. She began pacing back and forth as she continued, her inner scientist finally beginning to take over.
“Due to the lack of available stallions, I have substituted a temporary gender-switching spell for natural genitalia. Please refer to spell 4432P for further details about the gender-switching spell, genitalia only, female-to-male variant. Further details about the six donors, including myself, are available in the attached documents. I expect the consumption of my own semen to have no significant adverse effect on the outcome of the experiment, as I've modified the spell to generate viable ejaculatory fluids through magic rather than the contents of my diet. As the test subject, I’ve fasted on nothing but dihydrogen monoxide to remove potential interference from the experiment’s results. I’ve even—”
She yawned widely.
“—skipped my morning coffee four times in a row. At this time, I am fifty-nine point three pounds in weight and three point six eight feet in height, horn included. Genetically, I am a unicorn, and I identify as such despite having been transformed into an alicorn. My sex drive is average. I have never been pregnant, used drugs, or consumed alcohol more than twice in a one-month period of time. I have no history of physical illness besides the usual minor ailments and no history of psychological... problems... besides an occasional bout of... mild anxiety... Hold on."
Pausing again, she continued smoothing over a particular area on the left shoulder of her lab coat, trying to get it to stay exactly the way she wanted. Unfortunately, it kept wrinkling just a little on its own every time she thought she'd fixed it. Twilight spent almost a full minute obsessively trying to get rid of the wrinkle, growing increasingly frustrated, until she finally let out a low hiss, closed her eyes, and started counting to ten again.
"...Anyway," she said evenly, after she had repeated the counting exercise three times and resolved to avoid looking at the spot that was driving her crazy, "I am, at this moment, completely healthy, both physically and psychologically. Further details can be found in the enclosed documents accompanying this recording."
Twilight moved on to the lab table she normally used for chemistry and magical potions. She'd cleared it off and put a large glass graduated cylinder there instead, as well as a very tall pile of books and notes about spells she might have to use that day.
"To collect my sample, I will stimulate my magically generated penis and collect the resulting ejaculatory fluids for scientific analysis prior to consumption. I should note at this point that I'm not wearing all the proper items of laboratory safety clothing. Specifically, I am not wearing gloves—which, I'm aware, is technically somewhat risky given that I'm going to be working with hot liquids, but I don't feel that wearing rubber gloves would be conducive to the success of this particular experiment. Also, ah, my eyewear is not officially approved for use in a laboratory setting."
She absent-mindedly tapped the goggles, unintentionally causing several magnifying lenses to cascade down in front of her eyes. For a moment, the basement became nonexistent except for a very tiny spot on the floor that was about a centimeter wide, which Twilight could make out in excruciating detail. She sourly retracted the lenses and headed over to the table.
"Note to self: fix viewing goggles to not activate when casually touched. End note. Due to the fact that, uh, the floor is cold and uncomfortable and covered with disgusting, filthy germs, I’m going to be, ah, up on the table for the duration of my time here. Please hold."
Twilight hoisted herself up onto the tabletop and turned around to lay down on her back beneath the bright ceiling light, which made the whole scene feel very sterile and clinical. She fiddled with her coat for a while, trying to make the amount of it sticking out on either side of her as equal as she could.
“I'm now going to officially begin the process of collecting the first sample,” she said, turning her head to where the pen was still scratching away. "The gender-switching spell requires increased blood flow in the groin area to be effective. Therefore, I must...stimulate... myself a bit, which will result in blood being redirected to my genitals. Any strange utterances recorded in the next ten or fifteen minutes will most likely be a result of that."
She spread her legs, exposing the soft pink flesh of her vagina amidst all the lavender, and cast a spell that allowed her to manipulate objects with a great deal more dexterity than she could have using her mouth or hooves. The glowing violet tentacle snaked down between her legs, making her nerves tingle a little when it brushed lightly across the outer lips of her labia.
Rather than immediately jump into the act, she couldn't help teasing herself a little. With the goings-on in Ponyville, Twilight rarely had enough time to herself to slow down and enjoy getting off, and though she was technically running an important scientific experiment she saw no reason why she shouldn't take advantage of the opportunity it presented.
The magical tendril continued to brush very lightly over her labia without actually putting pressure on anything. It tickled just a little, having taken on a silky texture that closely resembled the soft bristles of a painter's brush, and it was stimulating only the sensitive nerves on the very surface of her skin. Twilight bit her lower lip and stifled a groan as the gentle touch started to make her wet and her marehood called out to her for more.
It didn't take long for her to give in to this silent request and let the tendril slide just a short way into her vagina. The part that was now inside began to pulsate slightly, a little bulge of energy bouncing from top to bottom to gently massage her. The effect was similar to that of a vibrator, except that Twilight had the ability to stimulate multiple pleasure points with great precision.
But even this wasn't enough. In fact, it only worsened her quickly intensifying need to have something more substantial inside, as the tendril was still only teasing her flesh in the barest way possible. Her slit was becoming flushed and puffy, every one of her nerves becoming more and more sensitive so that she keenly felt every touch, no matter how light or how brief.
It didn't help at all that her mind was starting to conjure up graphic images of a highly sexual nature: sweaty, muscular stallions, vivacious mares, cocks of enormous size, pussies dripping with arousal... a somewhat less pudgy version of herself lying on her back on one of the lab tables from her old school, getting rutted by an older version of a classmate she'd once had a crush on, while complicated chemical experiments bubbled in beakers and vials and test tubes all around her and there was a book about scientific equations resting upside-down on her chest.
"Ooh," she moaned out loud, finally giving in to the urge to touch her partially exposed clit. She did this with her hoof instead of the magic tendril, because the soft but firm texture was perfect for stimulating that part of her body. Her vagina and the coat around it were all damp now, and the scent of her arousal—thick, intoxicating, and tinged with something sweet—was so strong that even Twilight could smell it.
While she rubbed circles over her clit, she tweaked her fantasy a bit and imagined that she was a substitute teacher instead of a student. Unprepared for the seductive charm of this suave young stallion, she had gone from lecturing at the front of the room to getting rutted on one of the lab tables, still holding the upside-down textbook she had been trying to read to the class from.
The tendril pushed further into her vagina and expanded until it filled her up, then began sliding slowly back and forth, using her natural wetness as a lubricant. Twilight moaned and ground her hoof against her clit and her swollen vaginal lips, imagining that her substitute teacher self was now reading out of the textbook despite the huge cock pistoning in and out of her pussy, her voice rising to a sharp squeal of pleasure every time it slammed into her.
Abruptly, she canceled the spell and removed her hoof from between her legs. Though her sopping cunt silently begged her to finish the job, she was already more than adequately aroused for the spell to succeed, and she didn't want to ruin the whole thing by masturbating herself to orgasm as a female.
She lay on the table for a minute with her hooves at her sides and her horn dark, panting, not entirely trusting herself to move or do magic without being overwhelmed by the temptation to resume masturbating until she got off. Trying to cast the enticing images out of her head, though, would be more effort than was worth it for the reward, so she didn't make even the slightest attempt to fight them off.
"Right, then." She cleared her throat, repeated 'Right, then', and then went on, "My endeavor to arouse myself has met with great success. I am now quite horny, and if the circumstances were different, I would likely succeed in mating with another pony. However, I'm going to cast the gender-switching spell now instead."
Twilight lay back down on the table and spread her legs wide open again. Her horn began to glow brightly, casting an arc of lavender from its tip into the air and down onto her genitals. A peculiar feeling of very strong suction took hold down there, and Twilight watched with detached scientific fascination as her engorged clitoris slowly enlarged itself and morphed into a bigger, sturdier organ. At the same time, her vagina started to shrink and knit itself together, and two small lumps appeared below her new dick, both steadily growing in size.
"Well, that's something you don't see every day," she said. "To clarify, I'm currently watching my reproductive system turn itself inside out and liquefy into entirely new tissue as a result of the gender-switching spell. It's an absolutely fascinating process to observe."
After a minute or two, the suction feeling and the lavender aura both disappeared. A fleshy pink organ now protruded from Twilight's groin, and at its base hung a pair of testicles. Initially, her new penis was standing erect when the spell finished, but it quickly began to deflate and grow flaccid even as she sat up on her haunches, recast the object manipulation spell, and prodded the softening member curiously. The intense arousal she'd felt only a short time ago had been overridden for the moment by sheer academic curiosity about the experience.
"Hmm. It has the correct formative structure appropriate for male equine genitalia..." As she spoke, she continued manipulating her dick and balls with her magic so that she could check over every part of them. "No malformed nerves or horrifying cancerous growths from inappropriate magical input... Appears to be physically capable of achieving erection... Hum."
She frowned a little.
"It's, uh, a bit on the small side..."
Holding the head with her magic, she stretched the now-soft member out as far as it would go without hurting her. This was really not very far; at least, not as far as she'd expected. Not that she'd been thinking about it very much.
"But, uh, it's flaccid now... Maybe it wasn't completely erect before? It'll probably be significantly larger when it's fully tumescent. Yeah, maybe it'll get... significantly bigger, after I spend a while touching it."
She giggled an awkward, uncomfortable giggle, and subconsciously smoothed out the lapels of her lab coat yet again.
"Besides, I'm only going to have it for a little while, so I shouldn't be that worried about how big it is. I mean, it's not like it's a reflection of my ability as a unicorn, or anything like that. It's just a magical penis. And it'll be a lot bigger when it's completely erect, so, uh, there's nothing to worry about..."
Twilight continued to grope her softened cock with the spell, idly waiting for it to get hard. She wasn't very horny anymore, but she was reasonably certain that with enough physical stimulation she could achieve an erection anyway. It didn't exactly feel unpleasant, either—in fact, Twilight discovered, playing with herself was actually somewhat enjoyable even before she began to get hard.
Her theory proved to be true, as the ceaseless fondling eventually started to make her penis rise and stiffen in her grasp. She tried creating a sort of sleeve out of magic, which she ran up and down the shaft in order to more effectively stimulate it. The sensation it produced was comparable to getting a light massage from a soft, fuzzy glove made of static electricity.
It soon became apparent, though, that her member wasn't that much larger when it was erect. Not as much as she'd hoped it would be, anyway. Once it was sufficiently hard that it could stand up on its own, Twilight fumbled around and got a tape measure from the one of the drawers below the countertop. She placed it lengthwise along her penis, looked at the number the measurement ended at, looked up, did a double take, turned the tape over in the hope that she was using the wrong system of units, and found this hope to be entirely in vain.
"Well," she said, halfheartedly trying to come up with something to make herself feel better, "at least it'stechnically within the ordinary range of penile length. Just barely within the ordinary range, but still... It could be worse. I mean, it could be a micropenis. Haha. Now that would be horrifying. Yes, there's no reason to fret over... having an embarrassingly small magical penis... One that will disappear in a short time, yes—It's not like it's permanent. Ha, ha. And I'm sure all my friends will have similarly sized male genitalia when I cast the spell on them, too, haha. Heh. Yeah."
Feeling marginally reassured, and also silently resolving to edit everything about her size out of the notes and look up a penis enlargement spell later on, she resumed tugging on her dick with about the same grace as a colt of thirteen who had just discovered a stash of dirty pictures behind a dumpster. Instead of epic Playcolt centerfolds, though, Twilight's thoughts were focused more on the importance of this act in the noble history of science.
At first glance, it might have seemed silly to study semen consumption in-depth, but Twilight had also thought friendship was useless until it defeated one of Equestria's most diabolical foes. Perhaps more than anypony, she knew that no stone ought to be left unturned, no idea left unstudied. Therefore, until proven otherwise, learning the effects of swallowing jizz was a matter as pressing as that of the origin of the universe.
It would, of course, all be carried out with academic precision, using the most advanced equipment available and the most modern innovations to obtain all the relevant data and render it into an ultimate conclusion—the formally-presented explanation of exactly what happened when ponies swallowed male ejaculatory fluids. Her experiment would be arranged into a readable format and reprinted in an important journal of peer review—'Journal of Reproductive Health Quarterly', or something of that nature—and distributed to hundreds, even thousands of ponies who would then read all about her noble work.
It would all be there in neat, official-looking black print, with an equally neat and official-looking title at the top and a short abstract below. And then it would explain the quest for knowledge that Twilight had undertaken, step by step, in highly scientific terms. None of that vulgar, casual slang used by the masses, but long and perfectly descriptive technical language that took at least a paragraph to describe a single, solitary object. Figures and measurements, graphs and charts, comparisons and analysis, and most importantly, statistics.
"Ooh, yeah," she muttered, her masturbation becoming a bit more driven as she thought about the journals, and the statistics, and the peer reviews.
Though not a narcissistic mare at heart by any stretch of the imagination, she couldn't help but envision the prestige she'd gain from making such an important contribution to academic knowledge. Twilight's mind conjured up images of herself on a stage at the University of Canterlot, receiving a round of enthusiastic applause as she headed toward the podium in the center, where there stood a number of great historical academic minds about to present her with an award for scientific achievement.
This was soon perverted into a fantasy where she gave Starswirl the Bearded a blowjob in front of the entire scientific community, which then became a scene where she was dressed in a scandalous prostitute outfit, getting an award for 'contributions to sexual activity' and attempting to make a speech while getting rutted from behind so hard that she had to hang onto the podium to stay upright. The scenario eventually morphed into an all-out gangbang with the audience, which she imagined would be recorded as a study about alicorn sexual behavior and published in a well-known scientific newsletter.
By that point, Twilight's cock had grown rock-hard in her grasp. With the ultrasensitive violet sleeve wrapped firmly around it, she could feel every vein throbbing in her shaft; the way her magic bumped against the flare every so often. Her body was starting to feel hot and itchy, and sweat was beading up on her brow.
She thought about where in the laboratory she would frame the letter of recognition for her work, and what member of the Canterlot Council for Scientific Research she would most want to have her picture taken with. Then she thought about which member of the Canterlot Council for Scientific Research she would most want to get rutted by while having her picture taken to be used in a medical book about sex.
The movements of her magic glove were getting erratic and rapid now. Her right leg began to twitch, thumping loudly against the table a couple of times, while hips were moving like she was humping the air in time with the jerky rhythm of her magic rubbing her dick. She felt a tightening sensation in her groin, but ignored it for the most part because she wasn't sure what it signified and didn't have very much incentive to stop and think about it at the moment.
Instead, she focused on the newest evolution of her fantasy, which was her being congratulated by Princess Celestia for being the most brilliant scientist of all time, and receiving a special and unique award made solely in honor of her exploration of all things scientific. In addition to the award, she was also getting fucked by Luna, whose cock was so large that it probably wouldn't have realistically fit inside a pony's body without causing permanent damage.
It was only when she started to feel the pressure growing between her legs that she actually realized she was about to climax. Sweat was pouring down her face, she was panting hard, and she was bucking against the table while she abused herself. Each rough tug on her shaft pulled so hard that it jerked her balls up and let them slap onto the table again, and what was more, Twilight was just too close to care how uncomfortable having her testicles banged about like that was.
Dimly, she knew that she was about to do something extremely unsanitary, but there was no stopping it regardless of whether she wanted to or not. She wasn't even sure she would have been able to cancel the spell even if she'd tried, as her horn seemed to be stuck on automatic. The pressure rose and rose until it reached almost painful levels and had perforated every part of her groin. Then it burst like an exploding bomb just as, in her fantasy, she took the special science award from Princess Celestia and held it up high in triumph.
Her cock spasmed violently and squirted out a large amount of milky white fluid in a powerful jet that went far enough to spatter the floor as well as the tabletop. Twilight was flooded with a jolt of intense pleasure, arching her back while her hips continued to sporadically hump the air. This was followed by several more spurts of about equal volume and range, and then a large number of increasingly subdued ones that fired less and less potent shots each time. Twilight's body twitched with each one, her head lolling back, mouth hanging open, and her eyes shut while she continued to jerk herself off in between the spasms.
When the last spasm had finished pulsating through her body, Twilight's tensed muscles relaxed and her whole body sagged back. She let out a long, heavy breath. Her magic kept massaging her half-erect dick for a while after, squeezing a few more drops of spunk out onto the table. It took her almost half a minute of heavy breathing and sighing before she had recovered enough to return to the real world.
"...Horseapples," she said hoarsely, still panting a bit. "I was supposed to do it into the graduated cylinder."
She opened her eyes, took a deep breath to replace the one she'd just let out, and looked down at the mess in front of her. It wasn't as bad as she'd expected, as there were only two or three shots that had gone off the table, but there was a sticky white puddle on the table between her legs, with a couple of long, unsteady lines projecting straight out of it where the first few shots had landed.
"Ugh. I've, uh, ejaculated all over the table and floor." Twilight's horn lit up. "Fortunately, I cast anti-contamination spells on all the surfaces in my laboratory when I moved in, so I can just clean it up without having to worry about potential contaminates interfering with the experiment. Still, though, I feel very unprofessional right now."
The spell, which was shaped like a large violet sponge, mopped the jizz off the table, then did the same with the stuff that had dripped onto the floor. It dove into the graduated cylinder and dissipated, leaving the container half filled with sticky white goo. Twilight cast a stasis spell on it to ensure that her sample would remain fresh if she had to be distracted by something.
She wiped some more of the sweat from her face, climbed off the table, and sat down in front of the cylinder to examine her specimen, levitating a clipboard after her. After dunking a thermometer into the goopy white substance, she started writing down observations.
“Volume is approximately sixty-four point three seven milliliters. Colour varies between creamy and off-white. Texture is extremely gooey and thick. Very uniform throughout."
After notating this, Twilight stirred the jizz around a little with the thermometer and peered closely at the little tics on the side of the graduated cylinder. She could feel heat seeping through the glass, warming her cheek, and could also smell the semen inside.
“The odor is rather strong and has a faintly chemical element to it," she said, "but it's not completely overpowering. And it's also not entirely unpleasant, I have to say. This sample appears to have a normal scent based on what I know about semen, though I'll admit that none of my past sexual encounters have provided me with the opportunity or the incentive to smell a stallion's ejaculatory fluids."
Once again using the thermometer, she prodded her sperm around some more.
“No indication of infection or any other health conditions present. Overall, it seems to be entirely within the range of what would be considered 'normal', thus far, with the possible exception of the temperature, as I have yet to obtain that information. But the thermometer should be ready to read now..."
She took the cum-coated thermometer out of the cylinder, checked it, and announced, “Thirty-four point two nine degrees celsius. Perfect!”
Twilight started to put the thermometer in her mouth, but paused and took a moment to check whether the clear part was made of plastic or potentially hazardous glass. Finding that it was in fact made of durable safety plastic, she slid the end into her mouth and sucked the spunk off it, then used magic to pour the contents of the cylinder into a glass measuring cup.
"Hmm... it's kind of salty, but that's to be expected from a healthy sample," she said as she swished the jizz around in her mouth. "At the same time, it's also somewhat bitter—also to be expected, as unicorns reportedly have marginally more bitter seminal fluids than the other two pony tribes, because of the amount of magic in our bodies. It's not terrible, at any rate."
She swallowed what was in her mouth, then hoisted herself up onto the table again and sat on the edge. The measuring cup full of cum floated after her, its contents oozing around depending on which way it tilted.
"I had something of a debate with myself over what kind of container I ought to use to hold the sample while consuming it," she said as she created a spoon-like implement with her magic and stirred the semen around a little. "Studies indicate that the material a food or drink is eaten or drunk from can subconsciously affect how we perceive the taste, and I feel it would be advantageous to maintain a relatively positive perception of the samples I consume. In the end, I chose glass, because our brains tend to assume glass with cleanliness and...order."
Almost without realizing it, Twilight started smoothing out the shoulder of her lab coat again. She quickly stopped and focused on the warm jizz in the measuring cup instead.
"Anyway, this is meal number one of twenty-one: breakfast.”
With the violet spoon-like device she'd made out of magic before, she scooped up a spoonful of cum from the measuring cup, then held it up and waited for the little gooey white strings to finish oozing off. She ended up levitating the cup under her chin before she opened her mouth and stuck the spoon in.
Eating a mouthful of semen was a bit like consuming candy syrup at Sugarcube Corner. Like the syrup, Twilight wasn’t entirely sure whether to treat it as a liquid or a solid, as it seemed to be halfway between the two. Chewing it was no use as it just got stuck to her teeth, and when she swallowed, at least half of the gooey stuff remained there until she ran her tongue around the inside of her mouth and swallowed a few more times.
“It’sh shtrange shtuff t’eat, that’sh for shur,” she said through another mouthful. A couple of white bubbles formed and burst out of the corner of her mouth as she spoke, and a drool-like strand of spunk oozed down her chin. She sucked it back in, licked the corner of her mouth, and swallowed before continuing: "It's very, ah... Hmm. It's very gooey, let me put it that way. And warm, but again, that's all to be expected from a healthy sample."
She held the spoon up to her mouth and put her lips on the cum. The resulting loud, obnoxious slurping noise as she sucked it up made her giggle slightly in embarrassment, as she was relatively certain it had been recorded by the notation spell. Because her mouth was still full of jizz, her laughter sounded oddly watery and gurgly, like she was gargling something in the back of her throat—which she technically was. Blushing slightly, she swallowed and licked her lips a couple of times, then slurped up another spoonful. This one she kept in her mouth for a little while, swirling it around from one side to the other, before gulping it down.
“I'm sure part of the initial hesitation to enjoy it comes from the knowledge that I'm currently consuming my own ejaculatory fluids, viable sperm and all." Twilight swallowed thickly and scooped up yet more of her cum with the magic spoon. "After all, the equine body is not technically designed to consume semen for sustenance, so of course it's going to seem odd. However, aside from the slight bitterness, which I personally find rather unappealing, it's really not that bad after several mouthfuls. I think I could get used to the taste; at least enough to survive on it for a week.”
She reached up and used her hoof to clean the resulting drool of spunk off her chin, then started scrubbing the last globs of semen from the almost empty measuring cup.
“Mm, that was... interesting. While semen may be tolerable to consume, whether it has any health benefits is still up for debate. Hopefully, by the end of the week, I’ll have this mystery solved. I'll be having lunch at exactly noon and dinner at five-thirty, and then I'll take the appropriate measurements at the end of the day and compare them to my baseline data."
She swallowed the last half a spoonful, and licked the glowing violet spoon clean before the magical implement dissipated into nothing. As she slid off the table, she let out a small belch, which brought up an aftertaste very similar to what she'd just ingested. Blushing, she excused herself.
Once the start and end times of her meal had been recorded and the recording spell cancelled, Twilight cleaned up her workstation and washed up a bit. Then she headed for the stairs, levitating the empty measuring cup and spoon, as well as the clipboard with her notes, behind her. She was still smacking her lips together and licking the inside of her mouth to get the unswallowed spunk off it when she started up the first step.
