Twilight Makes Passionate Love to Multiple Destructive Devices

by nodamnbrakes

Rating: mature
Tags: Sex, Twilight Sparkle, Random, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Spike, Comedy, Other, Romance, Derpy Hooves
Length: 4860

On a seemingly ordinary day in Ponyville, Twilight Sparkle falls head over hooves in love with a box full of military-grade explosives.

On a seemingly ordinary day in Ponyville, Twilight Sparkle completely changes the course of her life, as well as equine history itself, by falling head over hooves in love with a box full of military-grade explosives. What follows is a thrilling tale of passion, intrigue, and romance of a kind unparalleled since the days of Shakespeare as the Sun Princess's most prized student proves that it is in fact possible to make love using the tools of war.

Published 2013-07-09 20:20:01 UTC
Last updated 2013-07-09 20:20:01 UTC

Front toward enemy

Twilight Makes Passionate Love to Multiple Destructive Devices

by the parasprite

It was a typical cliched fanfiction opening in Ponyville. The birds were singing songs of love and sexual activity, the trees were blooming with the fruit of their insect fetishes, and the sun was shining brightly and erotically in the sky while Princess Celestia clopped to Trixie porn. Also, it was raining, there were tornados everywhere, and hordes of flesh-eating parasprites were devouring Southern Equestria. But that’s irrelevant.

A certain grey pegasus whose gaze could not be called wall-eyed at all (due to it being an inappropriate phrase to describe such a look—fucking google shit before you write, will you? Goddamn) landed outside the Golden Oaks Library with an enormous package strapped to her body. When she touched down, she managed to crush a passing filly and cause her permanent spinal damage. Then she dragged the package several feet to the door, ripping off the aforementioned filly’s face from the friction.

“Special derplivery!” Derpy shouted after bashing her hoof against the doorbell repeatedly.

The library door cracked open, and a certain not-lavender unicorn (she’s fucking mulberry goddamn) poked her horn out. At first, she was horrified by the blood, but then she saw who it led back to and was relieved that it wasn’t anypony important, like one of the Cutie Mark Crusaders.

“Hi Derpy,” she said. “What’s the—Ohmygoshitcame!”

With those words, Twilight seized the huge, heavy box with her magic, cast a spell to clean all the blood off it, and heaved it inside like a boss.

Derpy was indignant at the interruption of her carefully practiced delivery routine. “You have to sign for that, Twilgihty!”

“Sorry! Need signing-paper-and-pen!” The unicorn was rapidly growing moist at the thought of what was inside the box, all capacity for rational thought draining from her mind. “Derpy! Signing stuff! Now, please!”

“Okay, Twilighty,” hummed Derpy, oblivious to the smell of sex that was suddenly rolling off Twilight because she had a bad cold and couldn’t smell anything except muffins. She gave Twilight the clipboard, and Twilight scribbled her name on it.

“Kay thanks have a nice day bye goodbye see you some time that isn’t now go away please get out Derpy,” Twilight yammered as she pushed the door shut in Derpy’s face.

“Bye!” came Derpy’s cheerful voice from the other side.

Twilight paid it no mind, choosing instead to spin around and clop her hooves together excitedly as she stared at the box and imagined what she was going to do with its contents very soon. Today was going to be a most magical day indeed.

“What’s in the box, Twilight?” asked Spike, making her jump.

“Nothing you need to know about, Spike,” Twilight replied giddily, grinning that one grin that tended to also grace the faces of foalophiles and particularly ugly transvestites in mug shots. She rubbed her hooves together. “Just some things I ordered.”

A horrified look crossed Spike’s face. “You got something weird again, didn’t you?”

The mulberry (not lavender geeawd) unicorn shook her head and regained her composure so that her snooty nose-in-the-air motion looked particularly self-righteous. “My interests are not weird, Spike.”

“Every time you order mysterious packages, strange things happen!” the baby dragon complained, throwing his claws up in despair. “It took me weeks to clean up that pink goop and the severed tentacles from the last one!”

Hrrumphing and stamping her hoof on the floor, Twilight said, “That was an accident, Spike. I didn’t know it would become sentient if I let them grow that thick. And besides, nopony was seriously hurt! Pinkie had all the... yogurt... pumped out of her stomach, and Lyra most certainly did not keep those hands. Now, I’m going to be in my lab, so don’t disturb me, okay?”

Spike sighed. “Okay. Fine.”

“No matter what you hear, do not come downstairs.”

“Fiiiine.”

“Even if you hear me shouting completely bizarre things that don’t make sense to your preadolescent brain.”

“Okay, Twilight!”

“Or if you smell gunpowder.”

Spike stared at her and nodded stupidly.

“And don’t eat too much ice cream.”

He rolled his eyes, but agreed one last time. Satisfied, Twilight went downstairs, levitating her very heavy, fragile crate after her while she hummed a little tune that went like, “Du-du-du-dummm-dummm, du-du-du-dummm-dummm...” Meanwhile, Spike went to check if his date, Twist, had arrived yet. She should have gotten there around the same time as Derpy did, he thought as he opened the front door and moved to look outside.

After clearing out the center of her lab, Twilight shut herself in the bathroom attached to the basement. She then spent a good length of time removing aboutten pounds of waste stuck to the inside of her colon like Twilight Spackle or paste (does anybody remember that ad?) and cleaning herself until she Twilight Sparkled, because hygiene was very important when engaging in such activities. Then she came out, feeling completely detoxified even though she knew it was pseudoscience, and pried the lid off the box Derpy had delivered.

Before her lay an arsenal of enough explosives to blow up Canterlot Castle ten times over. The unicorn leaned down and stroked her hoof over the assorted bombshells and grenades inside, then found a note enclosed with the ordinances:

Twilight, we don’t know what you’re going to use these for, but we trust you to handle them with extreme care. Hopefully whatever you plan to do will have some scientific value, and will contribute to moving us all toward a world where things like these aren’t needed at all.

—The Canterlot University Ordinances Research Team

“Oh, yes,” cackled Twilight to herself as she levitated a 37mm anti-aircraft round out of the crate. “This will be very scientific indeed.”

The unicorn lay down on the floor and pulled her legs behind her head so that her plot was high in the air. Pushing her tail aside, Twilight touched the tip of the extremely phallic explosive projectile to her burning snatch, humming appreciatively at the contrast of its cold metal against her flesh. She began sliding the round slowly back and forth between the slick lips, slapped her hooded clit, and let out a fully fledged moan.

Already, she was soaking wet from the stimulation, and that wetness helped lubricate the object as she pushed it into herself. At first, it was kind of a tight fit, but after she’d moved it in and out a couple of times, her body adjusted to it and her snatch loosened up somewhat.

A long rope of detonating cord uncoiled from within the box and bound each of her front hooves to the rear one it was touching, then to rings on the floor that were there for exactly that purpose (Twilight had a very active masturbatory life). They wound around her tail to pull it back away from her so that her cunt and ass were both fully exposed to the ceiling. As she pounded herself with the AA dildo, Twilight took a .700 Nitro Express rifle round from the box. She paused for just a moment to open the can of motor oil that had also floated over and dip the .700 round in it.

Twilight had to work at her sphincter a little to get the rifle round in, but she was patient, pushing gently against it until the lubricated ordinance finally expanded it enough to move past it into her anus. Engine oil dribbled down her inner thighs and across her cunt, and dripped onto her face while she slowly loosened her ass with the bombastic sex toy. Soon, Twilight was moving it at the same rate as the anti-aircraft ammunition in her cunt.

“Fuck yes, these munitions are perfect,” she moaned as the two rounds pistoned in and out of her holes. “120 rounds per minute of airplane-annihilating energy in my pussy and 12,100 J of muzzle force potential up my ass! Oh, yes! But I need more!”

An M-60 hand grenade now came out of the box as well. Twilight opened her mouth and flicked her tongue against the cold, smooth metal surface, moaning and pushing the makeshift dildos further into herself as she did until the ends met against her perineum. She kissed it, tugged on the pin erotically with her tongue, and sucked on the metal body, bobbing her head a little, before opening as wide as she could and putting it into her mouth.

The grenade made a hard clicking noise as it bumped against her teeth on the way in, and then she closed her jaws around it, leaving only the cap sticking out and the metal safety arm jutting tightly against her lower lip, the pin clinking lightly as she moved her head back and forth. She levitated over some duct tape and used it to ensure that the grenade would stay inside her mouth, with the strip wrapped all the way around her head a few times to simulate a ball gag.

She hooked up a pair of C4 detonators to her nipples, then took the actual block of C4 and began molding it into a big, thick, phallic object with her magic. At the same time, Twilight also removed both of the shells from her holes. The unicorn dunked a stick of TNT in the can of engine oil, rubbed some of the excess oil off on her cunt and ass, and then slid it into her asshole and began fucking herself with it.

Moments later, a second stick of the high explosive entered, further stretching her anus, while Twilight positioned the massive cock she’d made out of C4 at her waiting snatch. It went in easily, since the 37mm round had loosened her up enough significantly by the time she took it out. The mulberry mare gasped, bucking her hips, as the plastique dick dipped in far enough to push on her cervix, and the crudely shaped testicles mashed against her clit.

A stream of unintelligible gibberish poured out of her mouth, muffled by her grenade gag, but it would have translated to something like ‘Oh Celestia fuck oh my god I fucking love C4’ if it hadn’t been blocked out.

Yet another oiled-up stick of TNT slid into her ass, which was pretty wide open now that she had fucked it so thoroughly. It was uncomfortable, but completely worth it for the pleasure it brought her every time the bundle slammed into her. She started rubbing her clit with the primer end of the AA shell while the high explosives fucked her so hard her body bounced around slightly.

Twilight felt her orgasm approaching, and reluctantly pulled the TNT out of while she simultaneously jammed the .700 round into her cunt along with the C4, slowing down to a brutal crawl. She finally finished the side project she had been constructing with her magic since she opened the box: a string of hand grenades tied together with detonation cord. Being the extremely safety-conscious unicorn that she was, Twilight had removed their heads, ensuring that only the smooth, completely anal-friendly high explosive bodies of the grenades would enter her butt.

Even after having three sticks of TNT jammed into her back door at once, she still had to push pretty hard on the first grenade before it would go in. Finally, her anus accepted the infantry-devastating explosive device, and she began working on the next one. By the time she got the third one in, she felt very full—but she kept going until she got all seven grenades into her ass, occasionally lubing them with motor oil. Twilight felt like she’d been completely stuffed. She tried palpating her belly with her magic, and felt a series of balls that were about the same size and shape as the grenades.

The unicorn resumed her masturbation with the C4 dong at a furious pace, also trying to fit in one of the TNT sticks that had just been her ass (this was completely safe because she always made sure to clean herself very thoroughly before inserting bombs into her anus, thank you very much) and eventually succeeding because of how loose she was getting.

Each thrust into her snatch put pressure on the line of grenades inside her butt, and she continued to get her clit off with the reverse end of the 37mm round. To further stimulate herself, she wrapped the very end of the detonation cord around the base of her horn and pulled it as tight as it would go, limiting the presence of her magic to the top half to avoid setting it off when she did. Doing this cut off much of the circulation to the outside of her horn, creating a pleasant tingling sensation. Once again, Twilight was very safety-conscious—especially when depriving her limbs of blood flow using explosive rope—so she didn’t tie it too tight.

With a grunt that was muffled by her grenade gag, she rammed the C4 cock into herself as hard as she could, and then she unstuck it—it had deformed so badly from all the abuse that it now had the inner lines of her vaginal walls and a mark from her cervix imprinted on it—and dropped it back into the box so she could fuck her now gaping pussy furiously with both the AA round and the .700 one at the same time, using her magic to masturbate her exposed clitoris.

Just as she felt the first wave of her orgasm wash over her, she pressed the detonators hooked up to her nipples, sending painful electric shocks through them. Tears rolled out of her eyes, accompanied by a muffled scream from behind the gag, and she bucked her hips wildly in all directions, but Twilight didn’t stop clopping herself, or even once slow down.

The string of grenades in her ass jerked violently as she tugged on it, and the first one popped out without really waiting for her body to accommodate. The same went for the second, and the third. Each one heightened the intensity of her orgasm when it came out, making her jerk and twitch with agonized pleasure from the combined electric shocks, clopping, fucking, and the burning pain in her ass.

Finally, long after she’d pulled the last of the grenades out, Twilight’s orgasms calmed down, leaving her dazed and shaking, motor oil leaking down her thighs, stomach, and chest. The string of hand grenades lay across the unicorn’s belly, which was contracting sharply as she caught her breath. Her munitions dildos fell onto the floor and rolled away with metallic ringing sound, and the C4 slid out of her cunt with a wet schlliiicck noise. The unicorn unwrapped the explosive wire from her body and horn, freeing herself, and (carefully) removed the grenade from her mouth. There was a significant metallic aftertaste left over from its presence—not that she minded very much. Last, the clamps came off her nipples, which stung when the blood rushed back into them.

Dipping her hoof in the can of oil, she wiped some of it lazily on her horn as lube and started rubbing it, still twitching from the aftersensations of her orgasm. Soon, her pussy was wet again and ready to be penetrated. Most ponies would have been finished after a first round of such intensity—but not Twilight. She had more to do, and she was not the sort of unicorn who did anything halfway.

The lavender mulberry mare proceeded to levitate a huge 81mm mortar shell out of the arsenal and place it on her chest. She stuck out her tongue, touched the tip to the shell’s primer, and started passionately licking the grime and grease off it, giving it the munitions equivalent of a rimjob. Her oral ministrations continued all across the shell’s massive body and across each of its fins, until her tongue was coated with filth and the bomb itself was completely clean.

“Oh, I’ve been waiting to do this ever since I first read about you, my sweet lover,” Twilight crooned, flicking her grimy tongue around in her mouth and savoring the metallic taste. “I need you inside me... please, take me!”

Forcing herself to go slowly and take her time in spite of her unparalleled excitement, she scooped some of the remaining motor oil out of the container with her magic and covered the mortar shell with it, then used her hooves to swirl it around all over the phallic object. Picking it up again, she levitated it into the air and held it nose-down over her raised plot. Her ass was still gaping open slightly, ready to receive the enormous improvised dildo.

The cold metal touched her, and then she started pushing the tip of the huge mortar shell into her butt. Unlike earlier, Twilight was very patient, pausing after each centimeter she got it to go in so that her sphincter had a chance to relax and widen further to accommodate it without risking injury. After all, Twilight might have been shoving a high explosive device up her butt, but she was still very conscious of her long-term rectal health.

Though it was painful, and it took a long time, Twilight’s patience paid off. Once the widest part of the device had been swallowed by her asshole, it was a bit easier to push the rest in, since she was a marshmallow pony and so her intestines were pretty flexible, like the rest of her body (you should see what ponies can do if they really try).

Soon, the unicorn had the entire explosive part of the mortar round inside her body, and could feel the huge object pressing against everything else inside her. She pushed it further down, and her stomach bulged out significantly where the tip of the bomb was pressing against it. The sheer thrill of seeing it so deep inside made Twilight’s cunt practically drip onto her face. After licking her lips and swallowing her own juices, she reached up and gripped the shell by one of the fins on the tail with her hoof.

“Celestia, I fucking love explosives!” she commented, drooling out of the side of her mouth in ecstasy while she used the fin to pump the bombshell mercilessly up and down; in and out of her ass. The other hoof got to rubbing her clit furiously as she said this. “Why aren’t there more wars in Equestria?”

Her magic took over for her hoof, allowing her to use both of them to clop while she fucked herself as violently as she could without seriously injuring anything. The widest part of the artillery round pushed against the perineal wall separating her anus and her vagina every time it slammed into her, causing her immense pleasure as well as a significant amount of discomfort as her internal organs were shoved out of the way to make room for it.

On one particularly violent thrust, Twilight lost control of her bladder, and spray of yellowish fluid showered her face and chest. Undaunted, she continued to ram the huge weapon of mass destruction into her ass with the uncontrolled force only a pony suffering from severe mental illness could possibly achieve. The piss soaked her face and chest, got in her nose and eyes, and in her mouth. The unicorn snorted, trying to get the unpleasant smelling urine out of her nose, and spat yet more of it out of her mouth, never letting up either her clopping or her anal abuse the entire time.

Her second orgasm came soon after. With her mouth clear of the grenade gag, the sopping wet unicorn was able to vocalize her delight in the form of a long, high scream that lasted until she ran out of breath, her whole body shaking from the waves of pleasure that were washing over it. Then she started spewing cursewords she’d never have said around anypony at all, being the good librarian unicorn that she was.

“Oh, fucking fuckity fuck fuck! Tomorrow I’m going to order the manuals to every—No, I’ll order every book about explosives ever written! Oh, wait... I’ve done that already.”

While she convulsed, she thought gleefully about how about half the library was filled with books about her fetish, and the various excuses she had given her friends for having them, such as being a militant neo-Neighzi hellbent on the destruction of earth ponies (strangely, Applejack seemed a lot less friendly toward her after that). Only then did she finally calm down and stop cumming, as the poor performance on her friendship report had been a huge buzzkill.

Slowly, Twilight relaxed and slid the mortar shell out of her butt, sighing in both pain and pleasure when it pushed through. It made a wet squelching sound on the way out, but since Twilight had expanded her anus so much during her bombastic sexual session, it slid right out again without much trouble. Her ass, on the other hand, stayed wide open, except for the occasional morbid twitch of her devastated sphincter. Had she tried, she would easily have been able to fit several of Applejack’s apples into the gaping hole. But Twilight’s fetish was high explosive ordinances, not apples (Apple Bloom, on the other hoof, was already developing an unhealthy fascination with the potential sexual applications of the fruit), so she didn’t try that.

Now it was time for the final phase of Twilight’s special time; the moment she had truly been looking forward to the entire time. The Princess’ personal student got to her hooves, oil and piss dripping from her sodden coat, idly rubbing her plastiquetastically destroyed snatch with her hoof, and levitated a fully functional W54 tactical nuclear warhead out of the box.

“Oh, my beloved... we shall be together forever from this moment forth. Nuclear science has always fascinated me. Were it legal to wed a weapon of mass destruction, I would do so with you in a heartbeat.”

Moans of pleasure and desire spilled from her mouth as she imagined the coming moments, and how intimately connected she would be to one of the most powerful weapons ever built; perhaps the very first unicorn in Equestrian history ever to engage in coitus with a nuclear weapon. The very thought made a few drops of pussy juice drip down her leg again.

Twilight levitated a fleshlight into the rocket’s exhaust nozzle, which she then sealed into it with superglue. Then she cast a spell on her vagina that made her clit grow into a huge, stiff cock, complete with hanging testicles that nearly obscured her still existent vag. The mare used her hoof to pull her ballsac away and spread her legs slightly, allowing the W-54’s cold metal to touch her fuckhole, and rubbed herself against it, letting out yet more moans of delight.

“This,” she said as she turned around, and then she paused lick her own vaginal juices from the warhead’s metal casing, “will be the start of a beautiful relationship, my love.”

With those words, Twilight did indeed become the very first unicorn to copulate with an atomic bomb.

She went around behind the nuke and mounted it like a stallion would mount a mare, planting kisses all over its outer casing, while her dick slid into the squishy, rubbery fleshlight inside the exhaust nozzle. Slowly, Twilight began to hump it with all the enthusiasm and inexperience of an excited, desperate virgin... one who was buttraping a government secret.

The mare started thrusting faster and more wildly. Sweat poured off Twilight’s horn; her mouth hung open, tongue lolling out; her eyes were crossed; Selbi is a faggot <3.  Semi-unconsciously, her magic picked up the 81mm shell and shoved it back into her ass, which welcomed the invader with another slurping sound. A depleted uranium shell rammed into her pussy as well, ignoring any protest from what remained of her vaginal elasticity. She began to fuck herself with the two shells while she fucked the W-54; like a fucktrain made of bombs and unicorns.

“Bet you didn’t expect me to do this when you mailed it to me!” howled Twilight in joyous rapture, now humping the atomic weapon with all the force and speed she could muster. “I fucking love bombs! If I could combine a book with a bomb, I’d do it! I’d make a book bomb! And I’d put a fleshlight in it! And a dildo on it! And then I’d fuck myself with it all the time! Oh, but I’d do it all for you, W-54 nuclear device! I’m your slut! I’m your bitch! Oh, god, yes! I fucking love nuclear bombs!”

As she neared her male orgasm, Twilight’s body began to heat up the way it did when she was otherwise emotional. Her mane and tail ignited and turned to fire, and so it was a good thing she lost control of her magic and dropped the two shells, which slid right out of her abused holes. Though she should have pulled out just then, all Twilight had eyes for was the W-54 nuke, and the passion they were sharing together.

With a groan, Twilight shot her first rope of hot mare cum into the bomb. It was the only actual cum she came... because when the explosion of male pleasure hit her for the first time in her life—like a virgin who'd never even had a wet dream before—it overwhelmed her so much that her cock started shooting fire instead.

It shot fire straight into the functional nuclear weapon she was fucking.

“That was how I learned to always use protection,” the unicorn concluded sheepishly, nuzzling the W-54 on the sofa beside her. “I could have seriously hurt myself and Bomb-Bomb.”

The other four mares in the room just stared at her with expressions that indicated they thought there was something seriously wrong with her. The fifth was in her cottage, having wisely bolted for the safety of her fully stocked Fallout: Equestria shelter the moment it became clear that Twilight had taken on a nuclear bomb as a lover.

“What?” Twilight said after some time. “Do I have something on my nose?”

“We... were just under the impression that ‘coming out’ meant you were going to tell us you’re gay, or something like that, dear,” said Rarity slowly, smiling a very fake smile.

Twilight laughed and waved a hoof dismissively. “Oh, Rarity, I would never associate with disgusting filthy homos. You don’t need to worry about Sweetie Belle’s virginity any more than you need to worry about, say, Ponyville accidentally getting nuked by a stray ICBM.”

“I see,” agreed Rarity, who had already taken Sweetie’s virginity herself using a bundle of sewing needles and no painkillers at all. “Well, I’ll just be going now—I need to go molest Sw—I mean, make dresses. Yes, that.”

She then followed in the steps of Fluttershy, except she went home and built her own fallout shelter to molest Sweetie Belle in. This left only three mares, the oblivious Twilight, the W-54, and the decaying corpse of Spike the dragon, the last of whom had hanged himself upstairs because he realized he would never get laid now that Ponyville’s other permavirgin was in a permacoma. Twilight had been kind of sad, but she had the W-54 for company now, and it didn’t complain as much as Spike did.

“So... y’all’ve... had... sexual relations... with that thang,” Applejack attempted to clarify.

“Yes.” Twilight nodded happily and kissed the W-54.

“Ooooh. I’ll need to have a party for you two, then. Oh! Is that why I see a couple of black holes whenever you turn around now?” Pinkie asked as Applejack vomited.

“Yes, Pinkie. He’s quite large, but I’m confident that with enough time, I can safely expand my vagina to fit the entirety of this nuclear device. Would you like to see the progress I’ve made?” It should be noted that Twilight was starting to suffer the neurological effects of long term radiation poisoning from sucking the uranium rods inside the W-54.

Pinkie, of course, said, “Sure!” to this offer, and fifteen seconds later, Twilight had a large portion of the nuke up her cooter, and Rainbow and Applejack were puking violently as they watched the unicorn’s vagina slowly stretch far beyond what should have been possible. But then Rainbow Dash went all #yoloswag due to temporary insanity and joined Pinkie in trying to ram the nuke further up Twilight’s snatch while Applejack went home and became an alcoholic.

Because she was Princess Celestia’s personal student and some other stuff, Twilight was eventually able to get the W-54 all the way into her vagina. It took some help and encouragement from Pinkie and Dash, of course. And so did getting it into her ass, and to be quite honest it was kind of hard to go to the bathroom for the rest of her life after that.

“But,” she said as she fucked the W54’s fleshlight vaginabutthole, and Pinkie felched delicious motor oil out of her pussy and Dash in a schoolfilly outfit rode her tail’s dock to an explosive orgasm, “it was totally worth it.”