Honor the Dead

by BinaryTroll

Rating: teen
Tags: Gore, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Alternate Universe, Comedy, Other, Changelings, Random, Adventure, Princess Celestia, Human, Princess Luna
Length: 133978

Read this and its predecessor first: [url=http://www.fimfiction.net/story/42535/honor-above-all-else]Honor above all else[/url]

Another HiE fic right? Yup. Spot on. Correct. Affirmative. No point denying it. In fact, it's generic as hell. Like, the only thing it's missing is a red and black alicorn and multiple inexplicable orgies. Actually, tell you what, before I kill my entire audience, read the rest of the description.

Knives, blood, parkor, games and ponies. Kind of a weird list of top 5 favorite things.

My name is Edward. And I am an assassin.

No. Not that Edward. And no, not that assassin. I mean an assassin/ninja/mercenary/thing. Get that? No? Well screw you, I have better things to do than explain it to you. Like explaining it to you.

Expect insanity, friendship and dragons. For reasons.

Anyhoo, I digress. As always. Digress is such a weird word isn't it? Oh wait. I'm doing it again. Digressing. Is that even a real word? Maybe. Huh. I suddenly have ADD. Weird. Antidisestablishmentarianism. Got to love that word. Means being opposed to disestablishmentarianism. Longest word in the English language it is. Not really. That goes to Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis. I don't even know what that means. I'd google it if my iPod hadn't been fed to a dragon. Wait. I was saying something. Oh yeah, I'm in Equestria. How did I forget that? By digressing, that's how. Focus dammit. Equestria... Honored...Necronomicon... Oh yeah!

Well it all started on that operation...

Disclaimer: this is based off the world of Honored Service's story: the Equestrian Honor Guard, it contains gore, language, morals, some pretty dark underlying themes, sexual references, racism, sexism, Judaism, antidisenstablishmentarianism and some (kinda involuntary) shipping. Said shipping is heterosexual and has a reason for being there (and I can't just magic it away). If you dislike, please leave a reason for doing so. If you came for good writing and a well thought out plot, go somewhere else. This story is stupid. But it isn't (completely) random. Read this and its predecessor first, you need them to put the events in context. And anyway, they're just really good stories: Honor above all else Also, proper cover art is incoming. Eventually.

Yes, I had a bet that I could fit antidisestablishmentarianism into this description three times. I succeeded. You owe me 5 bucks. You know who you are.

Published 2013-03-28 16:20:01 UTC
Last updated 2015-07-05 00:47:34 UTC

2: I hate flashbangs...

Honor the Dead
by BinaryTroll aka Onyx Bluemoon
Chapter 2: "I Hate Flashbangs..."

"-it" I finished as I was blown back into Joel.

I woke up after an unknown amount of time. I couldn't see, I couldn't hear. All I could do was feel the leaves crunch under my body as I moaned and moved around. Wait. Leaves? I picked one up in my hand. It was hard and papery (is that even a real word?) just like I expected. I sighed and realised that my hearing was coming back. Even if it did sound like I sighed from fifty metres away. I blinked my eyes and began to see after-images. Not sure if thats a good thing or a bad thing. I rubbed them a bit and my vision slowly faded back. Sure, there was twelve of everything, but it was back.

I stood up slowly and checked my general surroundings. A moan came from behind me and I whirled around. Unfortunately, I didn't have my balance back yet and fell flat on my face.

"FUCK!" I yelled. Good, my voice was still working. Joel emitted another moan and began to move.

"Blegh, Wardo. Why are there twelve of you?" Joel murmed, blinking in the greenish light.

"You've been awake for two seconds and you are already annoying me." I replied.

Joel smiled. "I try, Wardo, I try."

"Ugh, you succeed at it too. "I flopped back onto the ground next to Joel and rolled over. "Is it just me, or are the colors here a lot brighter than I remember?"

"Yeah. I know what you mean." Joel replied, trying to sit up and failing. "It's probably just an after affect of the flashbang."

"We should get up."

"Yeah."

"You first."

"No no no, after you."

"I insist."

"Ugh, fuck it. Together. On three. One. Two. Three!" Neither of us moved.

"We're not going to get up any time soon, are we?" I said.

"Probably not." Joel replied.

I closed my eyes and fell asleep.

Three hours earlier and a few kilometers away.

Twilight Sparkle, Princess Celestia's most faithful student, was poring over a book. Again. This was a spell tome, describing some of the, if not the, most difficult spells in existence. Twilight was currently reading a section on inter-dimesional travel. According to the tome, it was mostly a theory, although there was one spell that could pull objects from other universes into this one. This was what Twilight was interested in.

Ever since the Nightmare had taken over her mentor, Twilight had looked for some way to allow them to win this war, and Honored Service, Equestria's only human and resident badass, was her best bet, even if he was the one who caused it. He already had in insane amount of firepower at his disposal: Two guns with magical rounds, one explosive, the other pure magical fire, a possibly legendary, magical golden sword, a less legendary, diamond dog sword, a large knife with an edge that could cut through anything, and a magical gauntlet that could make anything into a weapon. Despite this, Twilight couldn't help but think that it wasn't enough. The human had described much more powerful weapons, even ones that could level an entire city. She wasn't thinking on that scale, but she doubted that Honored would regect the opportunity to gain more weapons.

"Twilight can you do it?" Princess Luna had entered the tent.

"With your help princess I think I can. But why are we doing this?" Twilight finished the diagram on the ground of the command tent.

“Johnson needs all the help he can get; we need all the help we can get, and I believe that this could help. If it works.” Luna bowed her head and flipped through another page in the large tome in front of her. She was looking at a spell that could teleport a creature over long distances, distances spanning oceans. With enough power and concentration maybe the spell could reach out to other planets.

“But Princess, what if this spell doesn't work. He might not only be from another planet, but from another universe, like how Princess Celestia suggested.” Twilight said while glancing at the tome next to her.

“I know young Twilight. But this is a losing fight. We need all the help we can get. And if, and that’s a big if, this works we can at least claim a victory here, and then push to Canterlot and secure Day Terror and blast her with the Elements.” Luna had thought this plan through and through. Any attempt at a sneak attack would fail with that many shadows around Canterlot.

By forcing Day Terror to launch an all-out assault on Ponyville, her numbers at Canterlot would be significantly smaller.

“Alright Princess. Let’s just give it a try.”

Luna nodded and took a stance opposite of Twilight. Twilight mimicked the stance. They both nodded at each other before charging a spell and shooting it at each other, the magic meeting in the middle of the large intricate design drawn on the ground.

“KEEP THE POWER FLOWING!” Luna called out above the roar of raw magic being dumped into the spell. Luna reached out with her mind and began scouring the realms of the universe. She looked through all the planets her magical sense touched, trying to uncover this mysterious Earth populated by violent sentient creatures.

“PRINCESS MY MAGIC CHANNEL IS FAILING!” Twilight roared above the intense noise the spell was creating. Twilight’s purple glowing aurora was beginning to falter. With one last push, Luna grunted and reached out to the closest planet and pulled what she hoped was what they were looking for through the small portal in a flash of light so intense, it blotted out the sun for a second.

Both unicorn and alicorn lay panting on the ground, exhausted and spent from the monumental task they had just preformed.

In the center of the diagram, half buried in the ground from the sheer force of the impact was a large metal dark green container. It lacked any markings except a black star and two words stenciled on the side, smudged and dirty.

US ARMY

Present.

I had finally obtained the energy to get up. The sleep had wiped away the the effects of the flashbang. Well, besides that weird vibrancy. Fucking flashbangs.

I stood up, shaking my head and cracking my knuckles. Joel mirrored my movements a few second later. Unlike many people my age, this was the first time I've ever woken up somewhere that I didn't expect. I didn't drink and neither did Joel. We both preferred caffeine and sugar to alcohol. So this was my first time dealing with this sort of thing. I didn't like it. I prefer to know what I'm doing thank you very much.

My small waking up ritual over, I automatically looked around for the kettle and and coffee. I can't wake up before 12:00 without coffee. Fortunately, it was well past twelve. Still, sleeping on rough ground makes it difficult to move properly. I decided to do some light badassery before actually doing anything.

I pulled my hood back, opening my face to the sunlight. I looked at Joel. He looked back. And then he fell into a fit of laughter.

"The hell is wrong with you?" I asked. Joel continued to laugh. This continued for a few more seconds before I got bored. I dropped to the ground and swung my legs around, taking Joel's out from under him. He hit the ground, grunted, and then began to roll around on the floor (or leafy ground) and laugh his head off. I patiently waited for him to finish laughing.

"Jesus man, what the fuck did you do to your hair?" Joel said, gasping for breath.

"What? What did I do?"

"You hair is blue. FUCKING BLUE! Not even mentioning that it looks like something straight out of Dragonball." He collapsed into another fit of laughter.

I sighed and ran my fingers through my hair. Using my small black knife, I cut through one of my locks of hair. Sure enough, it was a midnight blue.

"Heh, guess you're right." I said. "Well, I can't do anything about that, so let us move on."

"That seriously looks hilarious." Joel replied, grinning. I grunted.

"Can we find out where we are, or are you just going to sit there and laugh all day?"

"I'm going, I'm going. Jeez." Joel muttered, his grin fading a little. He threw his own hood back and I saw why he found my hair so funny. His was a leafy green, with darker green strikes through it.

Unlike him, I had some form of self control and stopped laughing after he decked me.

"I have it too, don't I?" He asked, already knowing the answer. I gave him it anyway.

"Eeyup. Except yours is green."

"Well that sucks."

"I personally think it looks quite badass."

Joel sighed before replying.

"Can we find out where we are? Preferably before I kill something."

"My thoughts exactly." I looked around. Gloomy forest. Weird outlines to everything. Managed to be dark but vibrant at the same time. "If I didn't know better, I'd say we're in the Everfree Forest, Equestria. Good thing I know better. And not being high on shrooms helps."

"If we are, fuck this place. I'm not a brony, but I know that this place doesn't exactly preach 'friendship is magic'. Also, how do you know we aren't?"

"At least we have guns." I ignored his question. That kind of thing always messes with my brain. Also, there are those hippies who say 'What if life isn't the real thing, and shrooms are our way of seeing reality?'. He died an hour later of drug overdose.

"You sound like an American"

"We have lived in America for the past three years. Maybe it's rubbing off on me."

"I sure hope not."

"That's racist."

"Sue me."

I sighed. Again. "We are the masters of procrastination."

Joel snorted. "We aren't masters, we take procrastinating to a whole new level."

I laughed with him. "Still, if this is the Everfree, we need to find some form of civilization before we get eaten by something."

"But we have guns." Joel said.

"Hypocrite" I muttered, walking off in a random direction. Joel followed.

A few kilometers away, Same place as last time.

The two ponies ran out of the tent, crashing into something and bowling it over. They began coughing heavily, fanning away the leftover smoke.

"You didn't tell me it would create so much smoke!" Twilight said, before entering another coughing fit.

"I haven't exactly done that spell before, and I was never considering that the tome would be destroyed in the process." Luna shot back, breathing heavily.

"What spell?" asked a curious voice from behind them.

"Oh Honored, you're back so soon." Luna coughed again before smiling. "I'll take it that the plan went flawlessly and the army was crushed."

"No." the human frowned and hung his head.

Present, etc

"I have no idea what I am doing."

I was banging rocks together over a pile of kindling. Joel was sitting nearby, listening to music. We always brought headphones and an ipod on missions. It was just a thing we did. After a few more minutes of waiting, he got bored, loaded his incindinary ammo, and shot the pile of kindling. He also nearly shot me. Dick.

I let it go. I didn't need to start an argument over something so trivial. Besides, it was a night where we could see the stars well. The sight of the stars always calmed me for some reason, I've never found out why. We were away from the city, away from all the pollution, both light and gas. It was wonderful. I saw the moon and noticed the familiar head of a unicorn or alicorn on it. This confirmed my suspicions that we were in equestria. But that wasn't a bad thing. Not by a long shot.

An absence of rich idiots, people who wanted someone dead for the most trivial of reasons. I killed my contractor once. He was a fat fool who paid me thousands of dollars to kill off all the hobos down on his street. I took the money and gave it to them, before heading back and killed the rich idiot. His body cut quite nicely. It was people like that who made me hate what I did, hate taking money for killing others.

I didn't believe in a god. Or a devil. I just believe that spirituality is something that prevents us from going insane. That explains my sanity. Or lack thereof.

"Look at the moon." I said, remembering Joel didn't watch the show.

"Yeah, I noticed" Joel replied, lying down next to the fire. After a few more minutes, I did the same.

The world darkened around me as sleep claimed my thoughts.

3: And Poison Joke.

Honor the Dead
by BinaryTroll aka Onyx Bluemoon
Chapter 3: "And Poison Joke..."

I woke up to an electronic buzz that didn't belong in Equestria. I slowly opened my eyes, the sunlight temporarily blinding me. It was around noon, judging by the sun's position in the sky. I stood up digging my hand into one of my many pockets, seeking out that annoying beeping. I pulled out everything in my upper pockets: two packets of gum, a pair of over-ear headphones, a set of brass knuckles, a half drunk bottle of lukewarm Mountain Dew, how did that even fit in my pocket? And a swiss-army knife. I checked my lower pockets: my wallet, that's fucking useless, a lighter, why do I have that? Wish I'd known about it last night. And finally, my fucking ipod. Took me long enough. I glanced at the screen, 'April Fools Day holiday' it read. Really? You wake me up from my peaceful slumber to tell me that? I shut off the alarm, noting that it was 12:47.

"Thank fuck for that." groaned a voice from behind me. I flopped back to the hard ground, rolling over to face Joel. I opened my bottle of Mountain Dew, caffeinated thank god, and sculled the rest of the bottle. I waited a few seconds for the sugar and caffeine to hit my brain. I felt a burst of energy fun through my body, causing my eyes to widen. I leapt to my feet, all trace of my original tiredness gone. The same could not be said of Joel, who just stared up at me from the ground. I offered him a hand. He took it and I pulled him to his feet, where he swayed for a second before shaking his head.

"What time is it?" Joel yawned, rubbing his eyes.

"Around quarter past twelve." I answered. "We should probably do something today, I'm getting hungry"

"Same" Joel crouched down and picked up his AWP, slinging it across his back. I absent-mindedly flipped my small knife around my fingers as I waited for Joel to finish collecting his gear. I threw it up in the air before catching and sheathing it. Joel spun his Glocks around his fingers before slamming them into their holsters.

“Lets get going” I said, striding off in the same direction that we headed in yesterday.

Three hours later.

It was amazing how quickly this forest could become boring. Trees, trees, trees, dirt, and more fucking trees. I still hadn't found anything to eat and hunger was gnawing away on my insides. Besides the crickets, I had neither heard nor seen any sign of life, meaning that my only food source would likely come from the plants... WHICH COULD BE FUCKING POISONOUS FOR ALL I KNEW! The constant chirping of the crickets ground away at the little sanity I had left, making me irritable. Not having drunk anything for a few hours didn't help. Must be horrible for Joel, he hadn't drunk anything since yesterday.

A new sound shook me out of my thoughts. The sound of flowing water.

“Water!” I called back to Joel, braking into a run towards the sound.

“Oh fuck yes.” Joel ran up alongside me and together we made our way towards the sound. After a few more seconds we reached the river that was the source of the sound. I pulled out my empty bottle of Mountain Dew and filled it up. I then handed it to Joel who downed all of it in a single breath. Rinse and repeat a few times and his thirst was quenched. I filled the bottle up again with more of that wonderful, cool water and drank some myself. I heard a splash to my left as Joel dived into the water. I didn't feel much like swimming so I just sat down on the bank, staring into the river. I studied my current appearance. My skin was smoother, the outlines of my features more defined. My hair was midnight blue with a small line of black running through the left hand side. It was longer than it had originally been, spiking out at the front and back whilst remaining fairly flat on top. It's style reminded me of Neku's hair from TWEWY. Finally, I studied my eyes, they were a dark purple-blue, with small pinpoints of light winking in them. They looked baddass.

I grabbed Joel's AWP and Glocks to dismantle and clean them. I found no problems besides some dirt in the ejection port of the AWP. That done, I handed them back to Joel, who had just finished getting dressed.

“Lets head upstream, we should be able to find some form of civilisation on the way.” I said, stretching a little.

“Sure, but can we stick to the forest? We might finally find something we can eat.” Joel replied, brushing his green hair off his face. God, seeing that is weird. This appearance change will take some getting use to.

“I'm hungry, so I'm not going to argue.” I strode off into the forest, heading upstream. Joel, as always, followed.

A few minutes later we came to a small cave.

“I'd say something lives in there, hopefully something edible.” I said, pointing to the cave.

“What's the worst that could happen?” Joel asked. A hiss came from the cave.

“You just had to fucking ask.” I sighed, pulling out my ballistic knife and Luna. Another hiss came from the cave and two red orbs began to glow in the gloom. “It's a cockatrice, don’t look it in the eye.”

“That’s one of those chicken-snake things right?”

“Yeah.”

“I hope it tastes like chicken.”

“So do I friend, so do I.” I shot a knife into the darkness, quickly loading a second. An angry hiss told me it hit. The enraged cockatrice leapt out of the darkness of the cave towards me, still hissing. I slashed Luna through the air in front of me, easily cutting the flesh of the cockatrice. Blood sprayed onto my skin as it landed on me, trying to bite my neck. I slammed both knives into the creature’s head, causing it to spray it's brain all over my face, accompanied by it's shattered skull and even more blood.

I walked back to Joel, holding the dead cockatrice by it's tail. I tossed it towards him, smiled and said “Dinner.”

Much playing with fire later.

The cockatrice did taste exactly like chicken, even the tail.

“Good thing it's not Kentucky fried. Ugh, the memories.” I said, remembering the first (and last) time I had KFC. God, that was the worst thing I have tasted in a while. I prefer the taste of blood to that god-awful dish. I swear, black guys don’t have taste buds. God damn I'm racist. God damn my mind wanders quickly.

“Heh, KFC: Kentucky Fried Cockatrice. Worst dish in Equestria.” laughed Joel, taking a bite out of the tail. “I swear, that was the worst shit I have tasted.”

“Can you read my mind?” I asked.

“Yeah sure, why not? While I'm at it I'd like to be able to fly. Really Wardo, we've been over this. I know what you're thinking because we think in the same way.” Joel replied, throwing the chicken/cockatrice bone over his shoulder. “We've know each other since we were born, I would have thought you'd remember.”

“That was a bit over the top for a single comment. Especially a joking one.” I observed, finishing my half of the cockatrice. “Anyway, I'm not tired, so do you want to keep going? The sooner we find civilisation, the sooner we find some real food. Not to mention coffee.”

“Sure, why not? The stars and moon are bright enough to light our path and if that fails, we still have night vision goggles.” Joel stood up and kicked some dirt over the coals of our fire, extinguishing it. I stood up a second later, brushing off the dirt and leaves that had gathered on my pants.

I stared up at the night sky. “Luna really outdid herself tonight.” I said, observing the differences between our sky and Equestria's. “Ponies must have seriously taken it for granted to ignore this. Either that, or the Nightmare took her over and created Nightmare Moon. Unfortunately that's not canon, even if it does make more sense to me. Then again, this world makes almost no sense anyway, Pinkie defies the laws of physics all the time, magic exists, ponies are sentient and all the colours of the rainbow, there are pegasi, unicorns, and alicorns as well as the normal earth ponies, clouds moving on their own is weird and a forest is one of the scariest things in the world. So fuck logic, this is Equestria.”

Joel ignored me, not that this was a surprise; it wasn't the first time I went off on a Brony rant, and it almost certainly wouldn't be the last. Especially considering I was now in Equestria. Probably. I still didn't have any proof besides the cockatrice in my stomach.

As we walked, I began to remember some of the jobs I took on. There was that recon mission for finding some form of weakness in a terrorist organisation's base so that the military could come in and seize it. I, with the help of Joel, ended up killing off the entire organisation over the duration of the mission. We never did find any real intelligence. I remember when we came back and were given a verbal lashing by the guy who hired us before we told him we accidentally killed everyone in the organisation. The moment when we realised that the entire terrorist group was dead because we were bad at recon was priceless.

You probably think that I'm fucked up in the head for finding that funny, you'd almost certainly be right. But I had a reason. I do not find death to be a horrifying thing, unlike many other people. Yes, I still mourned when someone close to me died, but I did not have a problem with killing others. I saw it as a form of new life. I'm an atheist, but I do believe in reincarnation.
Why? Because there are people who are so similar to those who died years earlier for it to be a coincidence. Call me childish, but I still believe in magic, maybe this influenced my decision to become a Brony. I also believe in multiple universes and more dimensions than the four we know. That's probably why I wasn't driven insane by arriving in Equestria. That, and I am probably insane already.

Dark thoughts aside, I felt great. The night was refreshing to me, It always had been. My sleeping patterns became almost nocturnal in the holidays when I was at school. Probably why I am addicted to caffeine nowadays. Jesus, my mind leaps around fast. Some people called me the thirteenth doctor because of this, and because I hate pears with a burning passion.

I snapped out of my random thoughts as I tripped over a root. Being the incredible badass that I was, I turned it into a handstand flip over a small patch of blue flowers. I should have thanked the root, if it wasn't for it I would have walked right through a patch of poison joke. But now the joke is on the 'joke'. I had a lighter in my pocket and I wasn't afraid to use it.

I knelt down next to the patch of evil blue flowers (which Joel had avoided, thank god. He wasn't a Brony but he knew some things about Equestria) and pulled out my lighter, laughing like the maniac I was. I set one of the small plants on fire, watching as it wilted and burned, the fire spreading to its siblings. It was so satisfying to watch my least favourite plant, from any universe, burn in a fire I created.

“What the fuck dude?” Joel exclaimed, watching as I set more of the flowers alight. “You could burn the entire forest down!”

“It would be worth it. These fucking flowers aren't going to mess with anyone.” I said without taking my eyes away from the burning poison joke.

Fortunately for the forest, the fire didn't spread and died with the last flower.

Moral of the story: don't try to play a practical joke on me. You'll get yourself killed.

Author's Note

By the way, this little philosophy is true, as are most of things about my personality in this. Yes it is a self insert and no I'm not a badass assassin IRL, but besides that, most of my past carries an element of truth to it.

4: I also hate picking the wrong direction.

Honor the Dead
by BinaryTroll aka Onyx Bluemoon
Pre-read by Honored Service
Chapter 4: "I also hate picking the wrong direction."

With my stress relief exercise complete, I continued my journey... umm, west maybe? I realized I had no idea where I was. Or where I was going. Or what I was doing. OR HOW I EVEN GOT HERE!

“You okay?” Joel asked from my left. “You're breathing pretty heavily and we've only been walking for a few minutes.”

I sighed. “Yeah, I'm fine. I just realized that I have no idea where we are besides inside the Everfree somewhere, which, by the way, is more than a hundred square kilometers.” I sighed again. I have been sighing an awful lot since I came to Equestria. I need to break that little habit. “So yeah, that’s fun.”

We walked in silence for a few more minutes.

“Soooo, nice weather we're having” Joel tried to break the silence.

“How the fuck would you know? The canopy is so thick here it could be raining chocolate milk.” I snapped back.

“Actually, the rain or milk would drip through the leaves, else this forest would have died a long time ago.”

“Fuck you. I didn't ask for a biology lesson. This is a land of magical, talking ponies, and you're telling me about science?”

“Even this world must obey it some degree.”

“Tell that to Pinkie.” I muttered.

“Deal with it Wards.”

“I will fucking murder you.” I said, pulling out my small combat knife in a reverse grip. Joel began laughing. I sheathed the knife and sighed. Again. Ugh. (Wards: another annoying nickname that Joel had given me. It is short for Wardo (which is short for Edwardo, etc). Because that wasn't short enough...)

As I breathed in I noticed something odd about the air. It tasted of... salt? Oh shit. Don't tell me.
The thick forest abruptly came to an end as we walked out onto a beach. Quite a nice beach actually. Although I had seen quite a few, being from Australia and all. Point is, we were at a beach. Which means that we are next to the sea. Last I checked neither Ponyville, nor Canterlot were anywhere near the sea. Shit. I had picked the complete wrong direction to walk, meaning that we were a good few days away from civilization. I groaned. At least it wasn't a sigh.

“Come on man, it's just water.” Joel said, not knowing what I was groaning about.

“That’s not the problem. The problem is that almost every city is hundreds of k's away from where we are now.” I replied, falling onto the ground in a sudden loss of energy.

“That’s not that bad. It's only a few days travel.”

“Yeah, a few days travel through a forest of stuff that wants to kill us. And also over mountains.”

“When you put it that way...” Joel didn't finish his sentence. He just flopped to the ground beside me.

“Worst thing is, there's nothing we can do about it.” I pulled out my small headset and put it in my ear, pressing the button down to speak. “I mean, It's not like we can call Dan and just say 'Come in, do you read me?' and expect him to answer.”
To my surprise, it wasn't Joel who replied. A disgustingly cheerful, electronic voice came out of my earpiece. “Loud and clear boss, whaddaya need?”

“What the fuck!?” I practically screamed into my earpiece. “Dan?”

“Maybe a bit too loud, if you catch my drift.”

“Yeah, sorry. I didn't think this would reach you.” I said carefully, making sure that I didn't say that I was in another world.

“Nea. So what do you need?”

“Six bottles of Mountain Dew and two AT-LRV's with GPS at my position.” I said without thinking. I then realized that he would never be able to get them here. I didn't revoke the order though, it would be fun to mess with him.

“Alrighty then. ETA thirty minutes. CYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!”

“How-” The radio cut out. “well that was fucking weird.”

“Why did you bother ordering something, it's never going to get here.” Joel said from the ground.

“Because I felt like messing with him.”

“Fair enough.”

I lay down next to Joel again, looking up at the stars.“Been awhile since we got to relax like this, huh?”

“Yeah. I haven't seen the stars so bright since that mission in the desert.”

“That was fun.”

“Quite.”

“Remember that scientist?”

“The crazy one?”

“Yeah. The guy who told us to fuck off and kill him later because he was busy.”
Joel laughed. “He gave us coffee. Like, who gives two assassins coffee when they're there to kill you?”
“I know. He did give us some pretty sweet gear though. Like my ballistic knife. This thing is badass.” I flipped the knife in question around my fingers.

“Well, he did give it to us so we could be guinea pigs using it.”

“Still, I can't help but wonder why he gave it to us.”

“Because we're the only ones insane enough to try it?”

“Probably.” we laughed together.

It had been so long since I had just sat down and talked with Joel. It's always 'go kill that person' or 'I need you to steal this'. I hardly ever get a moment to myself anymore.

“When was the last time we saw the sea?” I asked, staring out into the waves.

“That mission with the horrifyingly stereotypical German villain and the sub.”

“Oh god, I would have killed that guy even if we didn't have a contract. That was the most annoying accent I've ever heard.”

“And we've lived in America.”

I laughed. “True dat.”

“He sort of reminded me of Richtofen. You know, evil genius, German, annoying as hell, likes nukes, lacks foresight, that sort of thing.”

I compared the two in my mind. Joel was right, he was like Richtofen. We even shared a first name. We were all called Edward. I can't believe it took me almost a year to realize that. I can't believe it's been almost a year since we last saw the sea. Damn, time flies.

“You know, being here taught me a very valuable lesson. I need to slow down sometimes.”

We looked at each other and said in unison “You know, deleting Caroline just now taught me a valuable lesson. The best solution to a problem is usually the easiest one. And I'll be honest, killing you is hard. You know what my days used to be like? I just tested. Nobody murdered me, or put me in a potato, or fed me to birds. I had a pretty good life. And then you showed up. You dangerous, mute lunatic. So you know what? You win. Just go. Ha ha ha. It's been fun. Don't come back.”

I smiled at the memories. “How did we remember all that?”

“Beats me.” Joel replied, putting his hands behind his head.

I pulled out my ipod and headphones and linked them. As I ran through the usual connection protocol I noticed a small bar in the top left-hand corner.
“Um, Joel? We have internet connection. How the fuck does that work?”

“So much for false advertising. Looks like it really does connect anywhere. Damn that’s awesome.”

“Just think about it for a second, there are no satellites here in Equestria, so it has nothing to connect to. This shouldn't work.”

“To quote you; FUCK LOGIC, THIS IS EQUESTRIA!”

I laughed and put on my headphones. I scrolled through my long list of music and finally settled on 'Lost on the moon'. With a light tap the music began to play.

“Saying goes that when you're stuck on a mountain
You try to go up, you try to go down, you turn around
To face a wall so you can face yourself
realizing you've made a mistake
And you are being stuck on the moon
like the rest of us, trying to make sense of it
crying cause we don't have any reason
we're alone together, cause we all
share the very same crime
Some will say that this is not going to last long
Some will say that if we try we can't go wrong
As time goes on we are not leaving this place
Cause when we'll come back we lose our track of time and space
So together we are all lost on the moon
We all share our home on the moon, we
forever we are lost on the moon, together
we pay your crime on the moon”

I realized that I just sung the entire song out loud. And Joel had sung along. Well that was unexpected. I guess constantly listening to music with your friend rubs off on them after a while.

The waves were getting louder. Much louder. Too much louder. What I heard was not the waves, but a jet engine.
With the smell of burning fuel, a large jet flew over us, dropping two large crates onto the sand next to us.
“How the fuck?” I said, marveling at Dan's ability to have anything delivered anywhere, in under an hour. I walked over to the two crates and opened one. I looked inside and smiled. “Fuck logic this is Equestria indeed.”
Inside the crate was a large motorbike. But it wasn't a normal bike. It was much larger and thicker, in place of it's wheels it had a tank tread and it had two blades that could flip out of the sides that doubled as footrests. It was painted midnight blue and had two holsters for pistols on the sides. A darker blue splash of paint adorned the back with a crescent moon on it. I was going to be riding Luna.

“Bow chicka wow wow” I said quietly with a smile.

See if you can guess who my favorite pony is. Anyone who does gets a free slap for being a smart-ass.

I opened up the second crate which contained a bike similar to the first, although it lacked the cutie mark. It also contained, “Six bottles of Mountain Dew, fuck yeah”. I grabbed two of the bottles and tossed one to Joel, who instantly unscrewed the cap and took a long pull from it.

“Oh man, I've missed this stuff.” He said, burping at the end.

“Yeah, it's just not the same when it's been in your pocket for a few days.”

“Indeed.”

We finished off our bottles before turning our attention to the bikes.
“I just thought of something.”

“Yeah?”

“I didn't ask for fuel.” I said, a hint of worry creeping into my voice.

“Dan's not that stupid.”

“I fucking hope not.”

Author's Note

Shorter than usual chapter today. Because reasons.

5: GPS is for scrubs.

Honor the Dead
by BinaryTroll
Pre-read by Honored Service
Chapter 5: "GPS is for scrubs."

I swung my leg over the cycle and grabbed the handlebars. I clicked the kill switch and began to turn the engine over. Good, the idiot had put fuel in. I looked down to the built in GPS screen.

NO CONNECTION

I stared at the screen. “Wut? The internet works but GPS doesn't? The fuck?” I threw my hands into the air “Oh yeah that makes perfect fucking sense! I can contact someone from another world, watch YouTube, and listen to music. BUT I CAN'T RECIVE A FUCKING GPS SIGNAL!” I slammed my fist into the screen, cracking it.

“GPS is for scrubs anyway.” Joel said, smiling.

“Not helping.” I growled back.

Joel responded by accelerating in front of me, spraying sand into my face.

“YOU FUCKING BASTARD!” I yelled, spitting sand out of my mouth. I flicked my wrist back and sped after him.

Lots of swearing later

The stars and moon lit my way as I pursued Joel through the forest. I swerved, narrowly missing a tree. We had been riding for about a quarter of an hour and during that time I had gained about twelve cuts on my face, almost crashed into hundreds of trees and jumped over a river. Landing after that was not fun. My subconsciousness took over, leaving my conscious mind to wander

Flashback

I flew through the urban sprawl at an insanely high speed, the growl of the bike coming close to deafening me. I was coming up to a building fast, too fast, I wouldn't be able to turn in time. I leaned back, beginning to start a wheelie. The front wheel came off the ground and slammed into the building. The back wheel didn't stop and I continued to lean back until I was vertical. Shit. I was going to flip.

Instead of flipping, I began to rise. I was driving up the building. DRIVING UP A FUCKING BUILDING! How is that even physically possible?

As I blatantly defied gravity, I remembered why I was driving so fast. Specifically because of the trio of bullets that slammed into the wall next to my face. I willed the bike to drive faster. Fortunately for me it did, just as a rocket exploded on the wall below me. The flames licked at my cloak, although it didn't catch fire.

I continued up the building as more bullets and rockets hit the wall below me. A lucky shot cut across my face. I could almost feel it now. Probably due to the branch that hit my face earlier.

What I forgot through all of this was that the building had a roof. And I had just reached it. I flew off into space, holding onto the bike for dear life. I looked down. Big mistake.

The building I had just driven up was practically a small skyscraper, so the ground was a long way down. I gave a squeak that would give Fluttershy a run for her money and began to fall.

I ditched the bike and grabbed onto the edge of the roof, watching as the bike fell onto my pursuers, exploding into a huge ball of fire as it slammed into the ground. I pulled myself onto the roof and began to run.

I neared the edge of the roof and jumped toward the building to my left. My feet found purchase on the wall and I wall-ran a few meters before leaping off again toward another building. I landed on the roof and rolled to my feet, sprinting once again. I leaped up and kicked off one of the corners of an adjacent building. I repeated this process several more times and reached the top of another building. It appeared to be a club.

I continued to run, but as I neared the edge I began to slide. I caught the edge of the roof with my hand before I fell and used the momentum to kick out the window below me. Screams came out of the room I flung myself into. I saluted the stunned dancers and said “Sup?” before sprinting out.

I ran into a larger room that appeared to be the bar. Looking around, I spotted a fire exit. That could take me places. I gracefully dodged the dancers as I made my way to the exit. By gracefully dodged, I mean threw people to the floor and ran in a straight line. I shoulder charged the door and it burst open.

I jumped onto the handrail and slid down, using my momentum to kick open the door at the bottom. I heard some shouting from above me. Seems like the security guards aren't too happy about me crashing the party. They began to chase me, because, you know, the entire fucking military chasing after you isn't enough.

I continued to run down the hallway, hoping I could outrun them.

BANG

Oh, and they had pistols. Fuck my life.

BANGBANGBANGBANG

I began to slide as bullets flew over my head. I need to get out of this goddamn hallway. I threw the door open and instantly rolled to my left, dodging the next salvo of bullets. The first guard ran out of the hallway and I slammed my fist into his temple, making him black out. I caught his pistol and used the grip to incapacitate the second guard.

I picked up the other pistol and studied it. Glock-18s, nice. I smiled and jammed the two pistols into my pockets.

flash...forward? I think that's right.

I smiled. I still have those two today. Or more, Joel still has those two today.

Flashback

I took off my cloak and folded it up before putting it in my backpack with the intel I had stolen. The US military is gonna be real happy about that.

I took a bus back to my apartment. Yes I lived in an apartment even though I had enough money to buy a penthouse. I had my reasons. I opened the door, threw my bag on the ground and kicked back on the couch, resting my legs on the coffee table. It still had coffee from this morning on it. Yes, I used a coffee table to put my coffee on. Quite a novel idea, I know.

I heard keys jangling in the lock and the door opened.

“Sup Wards?” Joel stared at me. “You know, I'm not going to ask what happened to you. I get the idea I don't want to know.”

“I could say the same.” Joel's shirt was shredded and he had a bandage around his head. At this time we didn't know that we had the same occupation as each other so we assumed that the other had fallen down some stairs or something.

I rested for an hour or so, before picking up my bag and walking out. I strolled down to the bus stop, humming 'Dearly Beloved' from kingdom hearts. At this time I was not a Brony and hadn't discovered the plethora of amazing music that the fandom had to offer.

I waited for a few minutes and caught my bus. The ride was uneventful and rather relaxing, compared to the mission I had just completed at least.

I jumped off the bus onto the pavement and walked up to the skyscraper that was the home of the person who had hired me. The lift was empty so I pulled out a lock-pick and began to fiddle with the floor override. A twist and click later and I had a whole skyscraper open to me. I pressed floor 66 and waited as the horrible elevator music played.

I stepped out of the elevator with only a slight loss of sanity and walked down the long hallway to the office at the end. I jiggled the handle. Locked. I knocked three times.

“I told you to leave it in the lobby.” said a voice from behind the door.

“Nice to see you too.” I replied, flipping off the man behind the door. “I personally prefer to leave my mission safety in my own hands, or in the hands of someone I trust. A random servant is not someone I trust.”

I heard a sigh from behind the door and keys jangling. “Well, I guess you should come in then.”

The man opened the door and I stepped into his rather bare office. Nice view though. I brought my mind back to the task at hand. “Here” I unzipped my backpack and handed the man a laptop.

“Why didn't you just take out the memory card?” he asked.

“Because it's possible to create a program that wipes it if it is taken out. I also wanted to keep the laptop.” I said, smiling.

He laughed. “No sense letting it go to waste, huh? I'll give you the laptop tomorrow after I copy all the files.”

I thanked him and walked out. Once I got home I noticed Joel was gone.

I dismissed it. It hadn't been the first time.

Flashfoward. That is what it is now called. Deal with it.

I subconsciously noticed that the trees had given away to a desert. That was going to get annoying when the sun came up. At least I didn't have to dodge trees anymore.

I ran over a small map of Equestria in my head. There aren't any large settlement in or near a desert as far as I knew. Shit. I continued to speed across the sand, hoping to catch up with Joel so I could tell him we went the wrong direction. Again.

I continued to chase my friend through the dunes until the sun came up. Joel began to slow and I realized why. A ruined city sat dead ahead of us. It appeared to be a human city. I don't think ponies had grasped the concept of electricity yet. That could mean one of two things. One: it was a city for a different race such as minotaurs. Or two: we weren't in Equestria.

I hoped it was one, but it became increasingly more likely for it to be two as we neared the silent city. The doors were far too narrow for a minotaur's bulk and the broken vehicles that were scattered everywhere were designed in the exact right shape for humans. I guess there could be a third option of it being an alternate version of Equestria where humans exist. I looked at the broken city and corrected myself. Existed.

I pulled up next to Joel, cutting the engine.

“Well this is unexpected.” Joel said, staring at one of the broken buildings.

“You can say that again.”

“Well-”

“SHUT UP! That’s a fucking figure of speech and you know it.”

Joel looked at me innocently and said. “What was?”

I ground my teeth and walked into the ruined city. Joel fell in step beside me.

“Odd, the power's on.” I observed, pointing at one of the streetlights.

“You'd think a city that looks like it had a nuke dropped on it wouldn't have power.” Joel agreed, picking up a fallen sign. “Welcome to hun-yic? Weird name.”

“Maybe some of the letters fell off?”

“Nah, they're all here. Although the sign's pretty beaten up.”

“The name reminds me of something but I can't place my finger on it.”

Joel dropped the sign with a clatter. “Whatever. Lets see if we can find anything interesting.”

“Oh yeah, we've been going the wrong way by the way. No major settlements are near or in a desert in Equestria.”

“How do you know we're in Equestria? We are still yet to find any ponies.”

“But we ate that cockatrice.”

“They exist in other mythological worlds too.”

“Either way, I doubt the inhabitants want to build anything in the desert, judging by this city.”

“Point taken.”

We wandered into one of the nearby buildings. The floorboards creaked under our weight.

“Well this is rather creepy.” I commented, looking into the darker than normal shadows.

“At least we have light.”

The floor creaked louder than usual. I looked down. “That doesn't so-”

The floor splintered below our combined weight and we were thrust down into a dark basement. “Never say that again.” I groaned, picking myself up off the floor. A light flickered and the basement was temporarily revealed. About ten shadow creatures shaped like deformed humans with blades for arms, pulled themselves out of the wall, moving towards me, their red eyes glowing.

“None of this shit would have happened if the fucking GPS worked.” I said, not taking my eyes off the advancing shadows.

“GPS is for scrubs.”

Author's Note

I hope this is correctly formatted. Stupid K9.

6: A shadow of his former self.

Honor the Dead
by BinaryTroll aka Onyx Bluemoon
Pre-read by Honored Service
Chapter 6: “A shadow of his former self.”

And then the smell hit. These things smelt like death and decay that had been dropped into a sea. A sea of rotten eggs.

I pulled my mask over my face, covering my nose, and rushed towards the red eyed monsters. My two bowie knives slashed through the shadows like they were, well, not even there. Within a second all the shadows lay on the floor in pools of black blood.

“Well that was easy.” I said, looking at the blood on my knives. I heard a deep, maniacal laugh from behind me. The shadows from the edges of the basement began to move, fusing with the dead monsters.

“You just had to open your mouth.” Joel muttered as the shadows stood back up, even more deformed than before.

I sighed. “Just run.”

We sprinted up the wall to get out of the basement and back outside. “Thank fuck for parkour.”
Joel said nothing and just continued to run. I was hot on his heels.

“Hey Joel.”

“Yeah?”

“Remember that sign you found?”

“Yeaaah.”

“I think It read Hum-gia, not hun-yic”

“And the relevance of this is...?”

I winced as the shadows behind us let out an ear shattering scream. “Hum-gia was the human city in Honored Service's fanfic. It was overrun by the nightmare.”

“So that’s what all these are?”

“Presumably, and that means that we are in Equestria, just a different version than the show.”

“I think I don't like this version.”

“No shit.”

“So how do we kill these things?”

“We don't, unless you have some dark magic.”

“Nope, I'm fresh out.”

We ran down a wide street, shadows popping up from everywhere. I thought Honored had cleaned this place out. So much for that. A shadow formed in front of me and I cleaved it in two, not even breaking stride.

“LEFT!” Joel shouted, turning quickly. I pushed off from the ground with my right leg, diving after him. “Get in the mall, lots of light, less places for them to form.”

“Good thinking.” I leaped over a pile of broken glass.

“Jesus, you'd think this place had been hit by a nuke.” Joel commented, dodging around a large piece of fallen masonry.

“It might as well have been, this place got destroyed when the humans detonated the lightbombs.”

“You don't say.” Joel slid under a fallen support as I vaulted over one. I heard a small sound that stood out from the shrieking of the shadows. A voice.

“Is that-”

“When you need some help to get by, something to make you feel strong. Reach for Juggernog tonight, sugar seduction delight! When you need to feel big and strong, reach for Juggernog tonight!”

“I'd know that anywhere.” We looked at each other and said “JUG!”

We altered our course to head for the lifesaving drink, I didn't know how it got here, I didn't question it. All I needed to know was that it was there.

I slid under another piece of masonry and slammed into the red drink dispenser. I shook my head and picked myself up. “Lets get me some jug.”

Just as I was about to press the button, Joel slid under the fallen piece of debris and took my legs out from under me.

“Mmmf mmf”

“What?”

“Get off” Joel groaned, shoving me to the ground.

We stood up and I pressed the button. It beeped before saying. “Insufficient credit.”

“Fuck you too.” I tore open the machine with Luna and Celestia, peeling pack the metal to reveal a stack of glass bottles filled with red liquid. I pulled two out and handed one to Joel. “Cheers.”

“Heh, deja-vu.” Joel said, popping the cap of the dusty bottle.

We sculled the red liquid. I winced.

“Oh god, that was grim.” Joel shuddered.

A scream pierced the air.

“I think we forgot something.” I commented, looking at the horde of shadows that were slowly shambling toward us.

“I don't know about you, but I feel like I could take on an army.” Joel said, spinning the Glocks around his fingers.

“An army of things that can't die?”

“Point taken.”

“Let's ditch this place.”

We flipped over the pillar and began our run again. I slipped on my brass knuckles and sheathed the two knives. I smiled at the huge number of shadows that had gathered. As I neared the wall of darkness and evil red I twisted so my left shoulder faced the crowd and drew my right fist back.

CRACK

I threw my right arm forward, the momentum behind the punch causing the first three lines of shadows to be obliterated instantly and the other lines behind them to be slammed onto the floor. The amount of force I put into it unbalanced me and I fell forward into a dive-and-roll back to my feet.

I looked behind me to see Joel gracefully flipping over the wall of shadows, using one's head as a kick-board.

“That was badass.” I remarked as Joel rolled to his feet beside me. We began to run from the hellish demons once again.

“Well, despite being invincible, these things are pretty useless.” Joel panted, stabbing his knife into one of the shadows that had just formed. This constant running was taking its toll.

I slide-kicked the knees of a shadow and gasped back. “They're like zombies, slow, stupid and hard to kill. Oh, and they shout random shit in a raspy voice.”

“YESYESYESYEEEES!”

“Just like that.”

I smiled despite myself. “Yeah, just like that.” I glanced over my shoulder at the horde. Well shit.
Some of the shadows broke away from the main group and began to run instead of shamble.

“Oh for fuck's sake. We can't catch a goddamn break!”

“Less talking, more running.”

We sprinted towards the exit. The automatic doors began to open slowly.

“I ain't got time for yo shit, door!” I shattered the glass with the brass knuckles. An alarm began to sound.

“I... wow. That actually set off an alarm. The mall looks like it was hit with a nuke and breaking a door sets off an alarm.” I laughed a little. “I think my sanity is breaking.”
“What sanity?” We looked at each other and burst into laughter.

“We're about to be mauled by hundreds of shadow creatures and we're laughing? What's wrong with us?” I said, clutching the stitch that was beginning to form. Note to self: don't laugh whilst running for your life.

“We're about to be mauled by hundreds of shadow creatures in a land of magical ponies. That’s what's wrong with us.” Joel said back. “Lets get on some buildings, I hope these things can't climb too well.”

We wall ran up the side of a small house, the bricks giving us good purchase, and crawled onto the roof. I looked back at the running shadows.

“What now fuckers?” I taunted, resting my hands on my knees. One of the shadows reached the edge of the building and looked up at me. He then proceeded to grow four more limbs that were tipped with spikes and scuttle up the side of the building like a spider. Well shit.

“Fuck this shit!” I ran in the opposite direction and leaped to the next roof. Joel took one look at this new horror and quickly followed suit.

“What is with this world and denying everything I say?” I yelled to the sky, flipping to the next building.

“Watch out!”

“Huh?” I slammed my face into a streetlight, fell ten meters to the ground and then the street light fell on top of me. “Fuck me that hurt.” I looked up at Joel, who's chin had dropped to the ground. And then I realized what I had just done. I'd fallen ten meters and been crushed by a streetlamp, and I shrugged it off like it was nothing. Not a scratch.

“I think the Jug worked.” Joel called down.

“No shit.”

I swiftly climbed my way up to the roof of the next ruined building and continued to run. Joel shook his head and followed.
I took a quick glance over my shoulder. Look at that, the fucking things had grown wings now.

“Alright, new plan. Stay inside.” I dived off the edge of the building, my new found durability saving me from hurting myself. Joel was slightly more hesitant, but he followed quickly once he looked back.

I kicked the door down and we ran inside the building. The only light was from a small yellow drinks machine.

“I. am. so. Fucking. Sick. of. Running.” I panted, using the wall for support. I began to hear some jazz music. I'm going even more insane now. Great.

“Stamina-min-up. Stamina-min-up. Stamina-min-up. When you need some extra runnin', when you need some extra time, when you want to keep on gunnin', when you like a twist of lime. When you need to keep on moving, when you need to get away. When you need to keep on groovin', when you need that vitamin K. Babe, you know you want me! Let's run the extra mile! I'll open your eyes and I'll make you see! I'll make it worth your while! (Stamin-Up-Up-Up!) Sounds like it's Staaaaamin-Up time! Oh yeah, drink it baby. Drink it."

"Well that was unexpected." I looked at the drinks machine and noticed the iconic running symbol.

"This should be useful." Joel held out his hand. "Scalpel." I tossed him Celestia. “Thank you.” He began to cut through the metal exterior of the perk-a-cola machine with the precision knife (that was sarcasm). He extracted two of the bottles and handed one to me.

“Bottoms up.” We sculled the soda. It tasted a bit like a lemon/lime squash. Watered down with petrol. And warheads.

I gagged. “Fuck me, that's sour.”

“Thank you for that wonderful piece of insight Wards.” Joel replied, his left eye twitching.

“And fuck you too.”

The wonderful drink quickly reinvigorated me and we began to run once again. As we got outside I looked to the sky. The sun was almost overhead. We'd been running from these monstrosities for close to six hours. Time flies when you're scared shitless.
We dodged from building to building, making it difficult for the shadows to stay locked on us. More of them were running now and there were quite a few that could fly too. “Honored, why you no clean this place out properly?” I said, running across the wall of of a house. The ground was on fire below me. Why? Hell if I know.

The screams of the shadows followed me across the chasm of fire. Looks like they don't like fire. That could be useful.
“Joel! Over here! Across the fire, they don't like it!” I yelled through the flames. Joel ran diagonally up the wall and pushed off from it when he could go no further. He landed safely on the other side of the wall of fire.

“That should slow them down.”
I turned and began to walk away from the fire. That’s when I noticed the shadows.
Joel noticed them too. “The brighter the light, the darker the shadow.”

The shadows began to converge on a single point and an even larger beast began to form. I didn't stick around to find out what.
A deeper scream sounded and I ran faster. Somehow. Guess staminup doesn't just give you more endurance. The wind was cutting across my face. Damn I was running fast. That doesn't usually happen unless I'm on a bike.

I glanced over my shoulder. Oh shit. A shadow dog the size of an elephant was running towards us. Oh, and it was on fire.

“This just gets better and better, doesn't it?”

The dog howled in response.

“Where are the bikes?” Joel shouted back to me.

“Over there.” I pointed towards the building that we had first come from.

“Almost there.” We rounded the corner and came face to face with another horde of shadows.

“Fuck my life.” They all had shadowy riot shields. A growl from behind told us that the dog had caught up. “Joel listen carefully. On my mark, run. Run like hell and don't look back. I'm about to do something incredibly stupid.”

“Wards...”

“No, don't worry about me. Just run.” I pulled out my blood soaked knives and the brass knuckles. “Mark!”
Joel ran towards the bikes and grabbed one, gunning it and zooming off. Good, he listened. I ran my tongue across the blood coated brass knuckles.

“Bring it, fuckers.”

Author's Note

That dark tag is about to come into play proper in the next chapter.

8: Boring forest is boring

Honor the Dead
by BinaryTroll aka Onyx Bluemoon
Pre-read by Honored Service
Chapter 8: “Boring forest is boring'”

Joel POV

Edward sailed over my head and landed in the river, dousing the fire I had made. I offered my hand to my friend and he took it, pulling himself out of the cold water.

“Only you Wards, only you.” I said, smiling at the drenched assassin. “Want some fish?” I held out one of the now soaked fish under his nose.

He promptly threw up in the river. My smile grew even bigger. Wardo hated fish with a burning passion.

He pinched his nose and replied. “I'll stick with baked beans for now. You monster.”

I laughed and took a bite out of the fish. “So, where'd you get the baked beans?”

He began to walk back in the direction he had been flung from. “Dan.” He said simply, disappearing between the trees. He returned a moment later with a destroyed bike. Wrenching the storage compartment off the burnt husk, he opened it and took out a loaf of bread and a can of baked beans.

“I'm gonna need a new bike.” Edward said, looking sadly at the dead machine.

“No use crying over spilled milk. You can get another when we get back into the open.”

“Quite.” he looked down. “Why is there a dead manticore here?”

“I shot it.”

“No shit. I mean why is it here, in this clearing. We didn't see one on our first journey through. Also, there's perfectly good manticore steak just waiting to be cooked here. I'm pretty sure we'll get sick of fish and beans.”

“Go cook it then. I'm not stopping you.”

He crouched by the corpse and pulled out his knives. I turned my gaze back to the fire, no sense ruining my appetite.
I finished the third fish as the sun began to set. Edward sat down beside me, placing some rocks on the fire. We waited in a comfortable silence as the rocks heated. After a few minutes, Wards flipped the rocks onto some large leaves and placed the manticore steaks on them. He then wrapped them up in a leafy bundle and waited some more.

“What am I doing?”

The question was so quiet; I thought I had been imagining things.

“I'm a monster in this world of peace, I kill for a living. I kill for enjoyment. I'm from a world with so many problems, myself being one of the greatest. People who take money to kill others.” he sighed. “And I've killed so many. I didn't even know them. Thousands dead by my hand. Many for no reason at all. What kind of fucked up being can enjoy this? Me.” A tear fell onto his burnt hand.

“Penis.”

He laughed. He laughed long and hard. Somehow I found myself joining in. “Well it's official, I'm insane.”

“And immature.”

“Hypocrite.”

We began laughing again.

Edward POV

Joel got me out of my black mood with a single word. How does he do it?

A smell pulled me away from my thoughts. Guess the steak was done. I removed the leaves from one of the bundles and cut one of the steaks in half. It was cooked through.

“Excellent.”

I pulled out the loaf of bread and placed the steak on a slice. I took out another slice and put it on top. Steak sandvich.
I took a large bite out of the sandwich and let the taste hit. “Not bad. Bit different, but not bad at all.” I looked at the sandwich again and smiled. “Omnomnom. Nom. Nom. Nom.” I swallowed. “That vas delicious.”

Joel facepalmed. “I should have seen that coming.”

I said nothing and finished my meal.

“We should probably get some sleep. I'd like to get to civilization at some point soon.”

“Agreed.” I spread out my cloak and lay down. “Goodnight.”

“'Night.”

The morning after

I was woken by the sun shining into my eyes. If sundown is about 6:00, and the sun is overhead. I just slept for eighteen hours. Three nights sleep equivalent. Despite all that, I still needed coffee.

I rolled off my cloak onto the ground and slowly stood up. I checked my wounds, healed. My still asleep brain failed to notice the significance of that and I headed towards the storage of the bike. I pulled out the coffee and looked around for a mug. Finding none, I took out an empty can of beans and washed it in the river. I filled it up with water and placed it on the still hot coals of the fire so it would boil.

“Sup Wards?” said a tired voice from behind me. I turned and waved slightly before resting my head on my arm.

“Blarg.”

I returned my gaze to the can of water and waited. A few seconds later Joel joined me. We stared at the can until it boiled. Who says a watched pot never boils? Although this is technically a can, not a pot.

I lifted the can off the coals and put some coffee and a lot sugar into it. I stared at it for a second before dipping my finger in and swirling it around. Thank fuck for Jug and its pain resistance powers.

I downed a quarter of the sweet coffee in one gulp and handed it to Joel. He took it and sipped it for a bit before handing it back. I gulped down the rest. We waited for the caffeine to hit. My eyes shot open. There it is.

I rubbed the last of the sleep from my eyes and pulled on my cloak. I looked down at the sleeve. Many dark stains coated it, both old and new. Blood just didn't wash out. I look at a few of the stains more closely. Neither did coffee.

I finished studying my sleeve and strapped on my many knives. Finally I lifted up the Famas. Still unused in Equestria, I hated using up ammo. I slung it across my back after inspecting the various holes that could get plugged by stray dirt, sand, or other.
I looked over to Joel who was doing a more thorough investigation of his Glocks. He pulled out a small rag and cleaned all the bits and pieces before reassembling them. I walked over to the bike.

“Hey Joel?”

“Yeah?”

“We only have one bike.”

“I noticed.”

“What about me?”

“Sit behind me or vice versa. The thing is massive.”

“But isn't th-”

“Just get on the damn bike.”

I got on and started the engine. “You coming?”

Joel hopped on behind me and wrapped his arms around my waist. “This is so fucking weird.” I twisted the accelerator and we sped off towards what was hopefully civilization.

Hours later

“Why does nothing ever happen in this forest?” We'd been riding for around six hours with no attacks from angry monsters, no encounters with dragons, ponies or other sentient life, in fact, all that happened was we drove down a goddamn river, seeing the same trees, the same bushes and the same lack of anything interesting.

The engine cut out and we came to a halt. “The most interesting thing that happens on this journey is that our main mode of transportation runs out of fuel. THIS IS SO BULLSHIT!”

Joel winced and covered his ears. The royal Canterlot voice has nothing on me when I'm angry.

“Volume.”

“Yeah, sorry.”

I tore off the storage compartment and the two blades. Might be useful later. I also pulled out some of the electrical wiring and braided it into cords to make a makeshift backpack with the storage compartment.

“Good thinking.”

“Thanks.”

I slung it over my back and began to walk downriver. The walk continued uninterrupted for a few minutes until a growl came from behind me.

“Finally.”I pulled out Luna and Celestia. “Some fun.” Joel leaned against a tree; he wasn't particularly interested in fighting right now it seemed. Maybe he was conserving ammo. The growl sounded again and three timber wolves stalked out of the forest, surrounding me. A dozen more eyes watched me from the trees. Nine in total.

My knives wouldn't do shit against the bark of the wolves. Finally, a reason to use the Famas. I pulled out the gun and calmly switched to full auto fire, even while the wolves were still circling me. I took aim and squeezed the trigger.

Ratatatatatatatatatatat

The wolves bodies jerked as the powerful rounds punched through their skin. I spun a full circle. Within a second, all the wolves were dead, sap splattering the ground.

“Find some easier prey next time.” I said, aiming the gun into the trees. The timber wolves weren't stupid. The remaining eyes disappeared, their owners running off with their tails between their legs.

“I thought you'd kill them too.” Joel commented, looking at the trees where the wolves had come from.

“Nah. Can't eat trees.”

“It's all about food with you, isn't it?”

“Not always, it's sometimes about drink.”

Joel facepalmed. “Whatever. Let’s just go.”

“My thoughts exactly.” We set off on the long trek to some form of civilization.

Nightfall

“Oh it rained all night, the day I left. The weather, it was dry.
It was so warm, I froze to death. Susanna, don't you cry.
Oooh Susanna don't you-”

“SHUT THE FUCK UP!” Joel rarely resorted to profanity. My singing must be worse than I thought.

“You mad?”

“Yes. I mad.”

I stayed silent. I didn't want to test the limits of my pain resistance. Sighing, I pulled on my headphones and put on some music. Gypsy Bard . One of my favorites, I just couldn't help myself.

“Oh, when you're rife with devastation, there's a simple explanation. You're a toy maker’s creation trapped inside a crystal ball. And whichever way he tilts it, know that we will stay resilient. We won't let them break our spirits as we sing our silly song.”

“When I was a little filly, a galloping blaze overtook my city. So they shipped me off to the orphanage, said ditch those roots if you wanna fit in. So I dug one-thousand hole, and cut a rug with orphan foals. Now their faces are blurred and the memories obscured but I still know the words to this song.”

“When you've bungled all your bangles and your loved ones have been mangled, listen to the jingle jangle of my gypsy tambourine. Cause these chords a hypnotizing, and the whole world harmonizing, so please children stop your crying and just sing along with me.”

I pulled my headphones off. I could still hear the music. That explained why Joel was singing.

“That song is too catchy.”

“You think that is catchy? You haven't heard smile smile smile.”

“Actually, yes I have.”

“Oh yeah. Sorry.”

“Don't be. The song is amazing. Brony or not.”

“Indeed.”

I properly connected my headphones and started up another song. Assassin creed. I now have the strange urge to jump off buildings into hay bales. Shame neither of those are nearby. In fact, hay bales may not exist at all. Hay is a primary food source for ponies. I think. There are hay fries. According to fanfics. “ARRRRRRRGH.” I was killing my mind thinking again.

Joel looked at me. “You right there?”

“No”

“Just making sure.”

I was silent for a moment.

“Hey Joel?”

“Yeah?”

“Shouldn't we have passed some form of civilization? Besides the one that was filled with undead shadow things.”

“Why are you asking me? All I know is that pinkie breaks physics, poison joke sucks, and prince Blueblood deserves to die a horrible, painful death. And some other stuff. Like this is a diarchy and is ruled by princesses, not queens, who may or may not be goddesses. And rule 34 should die in a fire.”

“Rule 34 is anything. Not just ponies.”

“That’s the one thing you comment on?”

“That's the one thing you got wrong. Ahem. Rule #34: If it exists, there's porn of it.”

“Ponies are just popular for some reason.”

“How do you even know that?”

“The internet is a strange and scary place.”

“No shit.”

Author's Note

Blegh. Assignments. I hope ch9 is done by Monday. As always, feedback is appreciated.

Oh, almost forgot. I'm looking for a prereader. Honored is off doing some military stuff soon so I need another prereader. Apply in the comments. Pay is shit all and working conditions are variable.

That will be all my dear readers. And I mean dear in the gayest way possible. Unless your female. In that case. WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING? I mean, yeah, the whole fandom is about not falling into gender stereotypes. But still.

As you know, I am completely sane and do not need any help. Besides a prereader.

9: I'm sorry, we are out of nukes at the moment...

Honor the Dead
by BinaryTroll
Pre-read by Honored Service
Chapter 9: “I'm sorry, we are out of nukes at the moment...”

I pulled out my ipod.

“NOPE!” Joel said, backing away.

“Seriously? Who do you take me for? We're out in the wilderness and you think I'd be looking at porn. Rule 34 no less.” I said, typing in my passcode.

“I know you too well Wards.”

I looked up at the evil smile on Joel's face. “Fuck you.”

I returned to my ipod and stared at the picture of Luna that smiled up at me for a second. Shaking my head I opened up my emails. Just one new one. Honor above all else has updated.

I smiled at the stupidity of it all. Here I was, trapped in Honored Service's world, just casually reading his story. At least I can keep up with current events without seeing them myself. Which would be hard considering I was trapped in the Everfree. I tapped in my username and password and waited for the page to load.

“So what are you doing?” I jumped at Joel's voice.

“Well, the story of the world we are now in has just updated. So I'm reading it. Because it is good.”

“That’s kinda trippy.”

“Yeah. But why not? It's not like it'll drive me insane.”

“It's not going to make you any saner though.”

“If you think about it, it's basically like reading a newspaper.”

Joel thought for a second.

“Yeah, I guess you're right.” he said in a perfect imitation of the ASDFmovie bagel guy. (Go to 1.43 )

“Now shut up. I haz reading to do.”

5320 words later.

“Well that’s interesting. Elements of Sanctuary. This should be fun.” I mused, turning off the ipod.

“What?”

“Brony stuff, you wouldn't get it.”

“Probably. You may not have noticed, but the forest is thinning out.”

I pocketed the ipod and studied the trees. Indeed they were becoming less frequent, sunlight even shined through large gaps in the canopy. And a plain was opening up in front of us.

“Fuck.”

Joel sighed. “What is it now?”

I buried my face in my hands. “We went the wrong way. Again.”

“Well maybe we'll find something helpful here. We did last time.”

“And we ran for our life from 10000 invincible shadows, only narrowly escaping due to my rather... dangerous ability. We could easily have died.”

We stared at each other.

“But that was interesting.”

I sighed.

“You know exactly how to get me to do something, don't you?”

“Yep.”

“Well lets see what horrifying creatures lurk in the plains.”

5 hours of still plains later

I had given up entertaining myself. I had given up thinking. I was sleepwalking with my eyes open.

Nothing had happened for five hours. Nothing. No poachers, no animals, no water. Just grass, hills and wind. Not even a tree. I felt like setting this place on fire. But then it would just be burnt grass as far as the eye can see and things would still be boring. Maybe this was what hell was like. You just walked forever, never getting tired, never seeing anything new. Just boredom.

“Wards?”

Joel's voice was husky, and almost carried away by the wind.

“Yeah?” I replied in my own husky voice.

“I just realized: you can call Dan now we're out of the forest.”

“You realize that after 5 hours?”

“You didn't realize it at all.”

I opened my mouth to reply but Joel had a point. I didn't realize it.

Instead, I pressed down on the headset button.

“Come in Dan. Come in.”

“I don't like you like that Wardo.”

My eye twitched. “Fuck you.”

“NEEAAAAAAAA!”

“Shut up. I need a vehicle that is well suited to grass and seats at least two. Preferably fast.”

“So why don't you buy one?”

“I swear...”

“Alright. Lighten up.”

“I'm being torn to shreds by the wind here while you sit up there in your air-conditioned jet. Just get me a fucking car or something. And a chapstik. I'll deal with your bullshit another day.”

“Fine. Be there in 20.” The radio died.

“You don't need to be so mean to Dan.” Joel said, licking his lips.

I sighed. “I know. He's just so annoying.”

“Don't be a hypocrite.”

“Right back at you.”

We fell into silence and watched the sky for any sign of the jet. Twenty minutes later, a black dot appeared on the horizon, growing steadily larger. After a minute, Dan passed overhead, dropping a large vehicle. We walked over and examined our new ride.

It was a dull green color. It had a similar design to a Warthog from halo, but without a mounted gun. In it's place was a large storage compartment. I opened it and peered inside. Five gas cans lay on the bottom along with a tiny yellow cylinder. I picked it up and examined it.

Chapstik

I popped of the cap and applied some to my cracked lips. Smelled like vanilla. I placed the cap back on and closed the boot.

“Take this.” I said, tossing the chapstik to Joel. He caught it and applied some to his lips too.

“That's better.” he pocketed the yellow cylinder. “Lets get moving, I'm sick of this place.”

“Same. With this we should be out by nightfall.”

And that’s the story of how we ended up driving across the endless plains for four days without anything happening. Murphy's law sucks.

My ipod was out of battery. I was sick of talking. There was nothing left to do.

A week. A whole fucking week. And more than half that time had been spent driving. We still hadn't seen a pony either. Or even any sentient life.

Joel and I had taken turns driving. Three hours on, three hours rest. We stopped for six hours each day to stretch our legs and make a fire. It was freezing out here. That means I spent 32 hours driving this stupid car.

We drove at an average of 100km per hour. We've driven 6400km. That's further than driving from one end of America to the other. AND WE HAVEN'T SEEN SHIT!

I thought that five hours was bad. Spending four days here just broke me. I was dead to the world. Joel and I had stopped talking after the second day. We just switched, slept and occasionally drank water. Somehow I hadn't gone to the toilet for a week. But it didn't matter. I don't care anymore. All I want is to be out of this sandy plain.

I thought my life in Equestria would be exiting and filled with adventure. I was wrong. This world just punished me for everything I said. With this we should be out by nightfall. This should be fun. That should slow them down. This is why I don't believe in the christian/catholic/jewish god. If there is one, he's a dick.

I put my foot down on the brake and stopped the car.

“THAT'S IT!” I cried, my voice breaking. “I WILL BURN THIS FUCKING PLAIN TO THE GROUND!” Joel snored softly beside me.

I pulled out the radio. “DAN! I'M CALLING A FUCKING NUCLEAR BOMB ON MY POSITION! AND NONE OF THAT TEN MINUTES CRAP! I WANT IT NOW!”

“Dude, calm down. We don't even have those.”

“I WILL NOT FUCKING CALM DOWN! I WANT THIS PLACE DEAD! DEAD!” The radio cut out.“You betray me? Betrayal is not an option Daniel. I will find you. And I will kill you.”

I laughed. And laughed. And laughed. And got thirsty. And laughed. And realized that being thirsty was a bad thing. So I pulled out my knife and stabbed myself in the arm.

Somehow, this act allowed my sanity to return and I reentered the jeep. Joel hadn't even moved. Probably for the best.

An hour later.

“Joel. Wake up. It's your turn.” I glanced over to the bundle of cloth that was Joel. He was sucking his thumb.

“Blegh, Wards?”

I nudged him again. “Yeah. Come on, get up. It's your turn to drive.”

“Do I have to?” he wined, hardly moving. I kicked him out of the jeep. He lay face down the ground, still not moving. He muttered something.

“What?”

He rolled over a bit. “Thank fuck for Jug.”

I sighed and jumped out. The constant wind blew my hair a bit as I crouched down and offered my hand to Joel. He took it and I hauled him to his feet.

“Jesus this place is boring.” he said, gazing back along the way we had come.

“Like you wouldn't believe.” I looked down at my arm, remembering the events of an hour ago. I shivered.

“Ummm. We've been awake for the same amount of time. I know what I can see. And it's pretty damn boring.”

“Like you wouldn't believe...”I said quietly, clenching my hand into a fist.

Joel stared at me. “Dude?”

I continued to stare at my fist. “Like you wouldn't believe.”

“Dude?”

I turned quickly and yelled into Joel's face.“LIKEYOUWOULDN'TBELIEVE!”

“OH SHIT!” Joel fell over backwards. “WHAT THE HELL?”

I laughed.

“Jesus man, what was that?”

“That my friend, was a wake up call.” I said, pulling Joel to his feet again.

“One hell of a wake up call.”

“Quite. Now drive. I haz sleeping to do.”

“Alright.”

Joel and I climbed into the jeep and I fell asleep as soon as I hit the headrest.

Awesome POV change GO!

I yawned and returned to looking at the map. Being nocturnal sucks.

“Princess?” a voice asked from behind me. I sighed inwardly.

“Yes Twilight?” I turned to face my sister's student.

She gasped. “Luna, how long have you been awake for?”

“37 hours, give or take.”

“You should get some rest.”

“I can't. I need to-”

“I can watch over the map. It's not healthy to stay up that long.”

I stared at her. She had been guilty of staying up for far longer than 37 hours straight more than once. I sighed. She was still right.

“Thank you Twilight. In that case I shall retire.” I walked slowly out of the command tent.

The sun shined onto my blue coat and I shivered, remembering the being who controlled my dear sister. I hastened to my personal tent.

The cool blue interior of my tent was calming. A nice contrast to the blazing sun and war of outside. Even though I still had the body and mind of a young adult, I suddenly felt old. This war was taking it's toll on everypony.

I sighed and lay down on my temporary bed. Maybe Twilight was right. I should have a rest.

I closed my eyes and opened my mind to the dreamscape.

Inside the dreamscape

There were few ponies who were asleep at this time of day normally, and even less since Nightmare returned. As the princess of the night, it is my duty to rid the dreamscape of nightmares, and there were quite a few here.

My ethereal eyes passed over the pleasant dreams and focused on the more disturbing ones. Many of them appeared to be about family members or friends being dragged away or killed by the shadows. A sharp scream echoed from my left and I whirled around. That wasn't the scream of a pony.

My eyes fixed on a dream of a tall bipedal creature tearing a shadow to bits. It wasn't Honored, Honored was taller and had a short red mane. This human's mane was blue with a black streak running down the side and was dressed in a long black coat that covered most of it's body. It had a cruel smile and appeared to be enjoying the experience of tearing the shadow apart.

I debated whether or not to enter the dream. If I did, I might lose time when I could be dealing with real nightmares. If I don't, my curiosity will eat away at my sanity. I made a split second decision.

I entered the mind of the pony who dreamed up this strange human.

Author's Note

This chapter is unedited. So there will be mistakes. If you could kindly point them our in the comments I will be eternally grateful. Offer for a prereader is still open.

10: Dreams, nightmares and vodka

Honor the Dead
by BinaryTroll
Pre-read by nobody. :(
Chapter 10: “Nightmares, dreams and vodka.”

I opened my eyes and took in my new surroundings. There was no defined ground. It was just a white space. Interesting. Most ponies had more detailed dreams than this.

I took at tentative step forward. My hoof still met solid ground. Good.

I looked around for the human and the shadow. They were nowhere to be seen. I closed my eyes and reached out with my magic to search the dreamscape. I couldn't pick up any consciousnesses other than my own. So where was the host of the dream?

I opened my eyes and spun a full circle. Just white. Nothing.

I sighed. Guess this was just a waste of time. I prepared to leave.

“Going so soon?”

I jumped at the voice. It had an odd accent to it. One that I hadn't heard before.

“Hello?” I called out into the white. There was still no sign of the human.

No answer. I prepared to leave again.

“I get the idea you don't like it here.” said the same voice from behind me.

I whirled around. The human was standing there with his arms folded.

“Frankly, it's rather boring. And I have work to do, so if you'll excuse me.” I closed my eyes and prepared to leave again.

“Really Lulu? I quite like it. Although you're right. It is rather boring. And I haven't had much excitement recently, soooo.” the human clicked his fingers and grass formed under my hooves. Buildings grew up from the ground and the sky became a sea of black. Small stars started to twinkle and formed a set of set of constellations that I was not familiar with.

The human looked up and smiled. “So Luna, there's no moon. Would you do the honors?”

I stared at the human for a second. “How did you?... I... What?”

“Would you please raise the moon. I'd say you are better at it than me. You know, 4000 years experience and all that.”

I was speechless. Only my sister and I could control dreams this well. But this human was doing it like he did it every day. Or night.

I looked up and willed the moon into existence. It wasn't the moon I knew. Instead of having the usual 'mare in the moon' symbol, it had a series of random gray dots that followed the edge in a curve.

I voiced my thoughts. “That's not the moon I know.”

“Of course not. It's Earth's moon.”

“Earth's... Moon?”

“Yup. That’s our moon. Not quite as interesting as yours, but hey. It's mine.”

“But how does it stay in the sky without magic?”

The human held up his hand and clenched it into a fist. “SCIENCE!”

I lay down on the grass. I had so many questions. Maybe the human could answer a few.

“Where are you right now?”

“I currently reside in a jeep traveling 100 kilometers an hour across the most empty plains you have ever seen. And let me tell you, they are boring as hell. And massive. I've already driven the equivalent of the length of America. I'll have been driving for 5 days by the end of today.”

“America?”

“Where Honored is from. I lived there for three years until I was transported to your beautiful world.” Was that a bit of sarcasm?

“You don’t like it here?”

“Well, I'll put it this way. I've spent more than half my time here driving across and endless plain. I was attacked by 10000 shadows. My friend and I could have died multiple times. All I've eaten is cans of baked beans, a manticore steak and some cockatrice. I'm cold, dirty, sunburned, windburned and in need of a shower. The best thing that happened was finding a couple of magically charged drinks machines in Hum-Gia. And then I got chased by the aforementioned 10000 shadows. So yeah, so far my stay has been far from pleasant.”

“How do you know of Hum-Gia? And Honored Service for that matter?”

“Long story. Literally. Around 130000 words right now. Speaking of which, I know about your slight crush on Honored.” I opened my mouth to speak but the Human didn't give me time. “But I'd say don't try. He does still love Sky. Hehe, that rhymed. I'll be a zebra in no time. Even if technically it's only a few of them that rhyme because of that tribal stuff. But I digress. I digress a lot actually. Maybe I have a short attention span. Nah, I can concentrate sometimes. I wonder what it's like to be a pony?”

The human made a popping sound and turned into a black earth pony. His mane stayed the same.

“Hmm, nah.” Wings and a horn popped into existence. “That's better.”

“How did you-” even I didn't have the control to change form that quickly.

“Swag.” the being crossed his forelegs and a pair of sunglasses floated from the ground onto his face.

“Pardon?”

The human/pony sighed and the sunglasses disappeared in a cloud of black smoke.

“Guess you don't know what the internet is, do you?”

“No.”

“That was rhetorical.”

“Sorry.”

“Jesus, what's with girls and constantly apologizing to me?”

“What?”

“Never mind.”

The human/pony gasped and the dream turned blood red.

“Guess I'm waking up now.”

I held up my hoof. “Wait, what abou-”

I returned to the dreamscape.

“Dammit.”

Back to my POV

I awoke to a sharp pain in my arm. I slowly opened my eyes. And quickly closed them again as the sun killed my eyesight.

“Umm, Wards?”

I mumbled something incoherent.

“You have a knife sticking out of your arm.”

I lifted my arm for around a second before my strength faded and it fell back onto the seat. “Yeah, sure. Whatever.” I mumbled, my eyes still closed.

“Dude. A knife. Your arm. Sticking out of. Buried under the skin. Bleeding all over the place.”

“Uh huh.”

“Coffee.”

I sat up instantly. “Where!?” I looked frantically around. No coffee. I turned to Joel. “You lied to me.”

“Yes I did. But there is a knife sticking out of your arm.”

I looked down at my small black combat knife. Which currently was embedded in my arm. “Heh. So there is.”

I pulled the knife out and re-sheathed it. Blood leaked out of the wound onto the dashboard, painting it a rather nice crimson.

“Well, now that that's dealt with, look up.”

I looked up and took in my surroundings. “Yeah. We're driving along a mountain. So what?”

“Think Wardo.”

“Oh. We are finally out of those fucking plains. Yay. Now we are on some equally boring mountains.”

“Mountains with dragons.”

“How do you know?”

“I saw a few. I shouted at them.”

“Lemme guess. But then you took an arrow to the knee.”

“That is so overused.”

I laughed a bit. “Sorry. I just couldn't help myself.”

“Anyway, I was thinking-”

“You were thinking?” I said in mock surprise.

Joel gave me a death glare. “Shut up Wards. I was thinking that if we talked to them, they might be able to lead us to civilization. That’s why I shouted at them. They didn't hear obviously. Else we'd be talking to a dragon right now.”

“Just constantly adding to the list of stuff we thought we'd never say, aren't we?”

“Heh. Yeah. So, fancy going on a dragon hunt?”

I laughed again. “Hellz yea. This is going to be awesome.”

and so we switch perspectives once again

I mused over the dream I had just witnessed. It wasn't often when I could directly talk to a dreamer, and I'd never seen that amount of control over a dream before. And how could I see into the human's dream? I can't see into Honored's dreams. Or I don't think I can. I will have to test that later. But anyway, who was that human? Besides Honored, they only existed on earth. Right? Yes, they had all been killed in the war with Nightmare. So how did the human get here? He said he was on some form of endless plain. Was it the same as the one where the Elements of Sanctuary were hidden? That plain did stretch a long way. And how could he know so much? He even knew about my slight crush on Honored. That was rather degrading. I'm over 4000 years old, you'd think I'd have grown out of that by now.

I sighed. I could make theories all day. But there was a war to fight. I could think over this another time.

I trotted over to my 'special' cabinet and opened it. I selected one of the small dusty bottles and pulled it out.

“Oh vodka. You can get me into so much trouble.” I murmured. The small cap came off with a pop and I gulped down a mouthful. The liquid burned it's way down my throat.

“Princess?”

Dammit Twilight. “Yes?”

“Can I come in?”

Shit. I quickly cloaked the bottle with magic and set it down on the shelf. “I don't see why not.”

“Fool.” The zipper opened and something black blurred past. A shadow assassin.

I felt a sharp pain and blood sprayed out from my cheek, spraying blood into my eyes. I spun around only to see my attacker meld into the shadows.

“Do you see your death approaching, princess?” The shadow taunted in a raspy voice. “Don't worry, it only hurts if you struggle.”

I summoned a whip of blue fire and cracked it. “Go to hell.”

The assassin laughed. “But it's more fun for me if you do.”

Another flash of black, another cut. This one was deeper and across my barrel. More of my blood soaked into my coat.

“Do you see the hopelessness of your situation princess? Do you see how easy it is?”

I smiled. “Yes I do.”

The whip flashed out, simultaneously striking every corner of the tent. I was rewarded a scream of pain and the stench of burning flesh. The assassin fell to the ground, still on fire.

“You know Nightmare, doing the same thing over and over again really doesn't work.”

The shadow griffin looked up at me and coughed, spraying black blood all over my face. “Sacrificing minions is fun. ”

I opened my mouth to reply but the shadow was already dead.

I wiped the blood off my face and stared down at Nightmare's dead minion. It was a griffon, just like the rest of the shadow assassins that had attacked. I wonder why?

My thoughts were interrupted by a nervous cough from the 'door'. I turned around.

“Yes Twilight?”

The lavender mare entered the tent. She cautiously eyed the dead griffon before turning back to me.

“Princess, you are requested back at command. Also, why is there a dead shadow in your room?”

I sighed. “Another one of Nightmare's failed assassination attempts. I am getting rather sick of these.”

“Do you want me to...” she trailed off, looking down at the ground.

“No Twilight. I know how uncomfortable you are around these beasts.”

“Thank you princess.”

I turned back to the shadow and lifted it off the ground. As I exited the tent I carelessly dumped it on the pile of other failed attempts. It was growing far too large.

“Well Twilight, lets see what the nobles want from me.”

Edward POV

“Wish I had a portal, wish I wish I had a portal gun. Wish I had a portal, wish I wish I had a portal gun. To be an aperture science client would be like a dream. Hey yo my brain has been cravin' it since portal hit steam.” I sung. Badly.

“Wards, why do you insist on singing?”

I smiled at Joel. “Because it annoys you. Why do you think?”

Joel lowered his face into his hands. “Dammit Wards. Shut up.”

“EYES ON THE ROAD!” I yelled, grabbing the wheel. With a jolt, we flew off into space.

Joel raised his head and sighed. "Fuck."

Author's Note

As usual, point out any mistakes. New cover art soon. There was something else I was going to say but I forgot.

11: Cool story bro. Needs more dragons.

Honor the Dead
by BinaryTroll
Pre-read by nobody. :(
Chapter 11: “Cool story bro. Needs more dragons.”

We dropped like two guys sitting in a 1 ton jeep.

“Fuck me.” I muttered, curling into a ball.

We hit the ground with a loud crunch. I uncurled myself and checked my body. Unhurt. Completely unhurt. No wounds whatsoever. That didn't seem right. I re-checked myself. Nope. Still nothing. Not a scratch.

“Hey Joel. You okay?”

The ball beside me moaned.

“I'll take that as a no.” I roughly grabbed Joel under his arms and dragged him out of the jeep, laying him down on ground. I checked his arms. Not broken. Head? Fine. Legs?

“Dude, fuck off! I'm fine.” I offered my hand and pulled him to his feet.

I looked up at where we fell from. “Jesus, at least that was a relatively small fall. Only ten meters or so. But still, we're lucky to not have hurt ourselves.”

“Yeah. The jeep's still intact too.”

I heard an explosion, felt a sharp pain on my temple, and blacked out.

Because the universe only takes that as a challenge

I opened my eyes slightly. Something smelled. A bit like sulfur, but nicer. Weird. Nice smelling sulfur, now I've smelled it all. I tried to open my eyes further, but no, my scumbag brain decided that I shouldn't. Dick. Wait... Did I just call my brain, and by extension me, a dick? One day I'm going to have to think before I think. That makes no sense. I guess I rest my case. My case against who? Myself? Ugh. Shut up me.

While I was having that little conversation with myself, my motor skills were rebooting. I felt feeling come back into my limbs, chest and unfortunately, head.

“Fuuuuck.” I moaned. I had a headache. I hate headaches. Like, they're on my top 10 things I hate most. Up there with Cameron. Nobody likes Cameron.

Opened my eyes to find a blue-gray face staring at me.

“WHAT THE FUCK!” I yelled, leaping to my feet. I had the pony pinned to a wall in less than a second.

To her credit, the mare was unfazed and calmly pulled my hand off her throat. Damn, she was strong. “You aren't exactly the most cautious species, are you?”

I stepped back and the pony dropped back to all fours. “Yeah... Wait what?”

“Your companion tried to stab me with a knife when he woke up.”

“Ah”

With my adrenalin rush fading, I looked around the room. It appeared to be a cave of some form, the walls were made of solid stone and it had a dome-like shape. There was a bed that I presumably had been sleeping on and a small wardrobe next to it. Hmm. I felt like I was missing something. I looked down. Shit.

“Umm, do you have my clothes?”

“They're in the wardrobe. Why do you need them?”

“You have got to be kidding me. For now, lets just say I don't want to be naked.”

“If you wish.”

I strode over to the wardrobe. Interesting smell, not a wood I was familiar with. I opened it and found my shirt, pants and cloak in a heap on the bottom. I pulled them on and sighed. Still no knives, boots or Famas.

“Hey, do you have my knives? And my boots and gun for that matter.”

“I decided to temporarily confiscate your weapons so I didn't have a repeat of last time.”

“And my boots?”

“Outside.” The mare turned around and I noticed something odd. She was a pegasus, but a bat winged one. I wonder what she's doing living in a cave?

I stepped outside and was greeted by intense sun. “Fuck me, that's bright.”

I blinked the dots out of my eyes and studied the area. I was at the base of a mountain, with a small, gray rock cliff to my left. A pond of clear water and another cliff was to my right.

“Nice place you got here.”

“Thank you.” the mare said. “Your boots are here.”

“Dankeschön.”

“Pardon?”

“That would be thank you in German. Which is a language you've never heard of.”

“Okaay.” The pegasus took a few steps back.

I grabbed my boots and pulled them on. “Well then, where are my knives and where have you put Joel?”
“Joel is your companion?”

“Yes.”

“This way then.” The mare strode towards a staircase carved from rock that wound it's way up the mountain.

As we walked, I studied my savior. She was a blue-gray coated, pegasus mare, with a blood red mane and tail. She stood about 5 feet tall, coming up to around my nose. Her wings were bat-like and rather large. Her cutie mark was the head of a dragon.

I took some longer strides, falling into step beside the unusual mare. “So, do you have a name?”

She looked at me curiously. “An interesting way of phrasing that question, but yes. My name is Shyvanna. Now if you'd be so kind as to give me yours?”

“Edward. Also, your name sounds familiar somehow, but I can't quite place it.”

“I doubt it's a very common name, but I have no knowledge of your species so I cannot make assumptions.” The pegasus returned her gaze to the path.

“It's not a common name. I can tell you that much. But I'll leave that for another time.”

We walked in silence for a few more minutes before reaching what was probably halfway up the mountain. I was greeted by a rather happy looking Joel.

“Sup Wards?” Joel asked, standing up and brushing off his pants.

“The sky.” I replied shortly, smiling.

Shyvanna look at us in confusion. “Isn't your name Edward?”

I sighed. “Yes, roly poly Joely boly here likes to call me Wards. Why? Because he knows I hate it.”

She just looked even more confused. “I thought you two were friends?”

“We are. We just like annoying each-other.” Joel replied for me, walking up to me. “Here you go Wardo; Luna, Celestia, a combat knife, a ballistic knife, and your G2 Famas of awesomeness.”

I took my weapons and smiled, turning my favorite knives over in my hands. “Thanks.” I sheathed the ballistic and combat knives before throwing Luna and Celestia up in the air and catching them by the handles. My grin grew even wider. “Lets go kill some shit.”

Joel crossed his arms and smirked. “Alright then, what are we going to kill?”

My smile faded and I sheathed the bowies. “Buzz kill.”

Shyvanna stared at us. “What just happened?”

“Friendship just happened. Which, by the way, is magic.”

“What?”

“Nevermind.” I cracked my knuckles. “So, what are we going to do?”

Joel shrugged. “Dragon hunt?” Shyvanna looked up at that. “I don’t know.”

“I suggest you don't do any strenuous activities for awhile. You were hurt pretty badly.”

“Yeah. I need more time staring off into space after four days of nonstop driving across a massive plain.” I said sarcastically.

“I still do not believe that dragon hunting is wise.” Shyvanna replied, unfazed.

“Noted. So what do you propose we do?”

Shyvanna... Blushed slightly? “Well- I- umm. I kind of want to know more about your species. I've never seen anything really like you before. The closest I've found are diamond dogs, so...”

“You want to know more. You're curious.” I finished for her.

“Yes.” She said quietly, hanging her head.

“Alright then. Do you want to sit down or what? This may take awhile.”

“Umm. Okay.” Shyvanna led the way into a nearby cave.

The small cave entrance opened up into a massive expanse, many times larger than a house. Speaking of houses, a stone wall cut off the rest of the cave, with a metal door sealing it. Shyvanna trotted towards it.

She looked back and smiled slightly. “Welcome to my humble abode.”

The door opened with a screech of rusty hinges and we were inside. Massive emeralds carved in the shape of bushes littered the floor, some bearing tiny rubies like they were fruit. A marble path cut down the middle of the room, leading into a huge marble structure. It was a house of some form, but a bloody massive one. The house was reminiscent of a temple, with large pillars holding up the roof. It seemed to have several floors that spiraled up into the ceiling, disappearing from sight. Oh, and there were huge heaps of jewels and precious metals lining marble bowls the size of cars on each floor.

“Holy shit.” I said slowly, gazing upon this horde of treasure. “I wonder how much this is worth? Those bushes would be pretty close to priceless.”

I took some shaky steps forward into the room and did a 360, drinking in the sights. Joel followed suit.

“Come on, this way.” The clip-clop of Shyvanna's hooves echoed around the cave.

I blinked and wrenched my eyes off of the sights. Jesus, that was harder than I thought. I jogged a bit to catch up with Shyvanna.

“Do you really live here?” I asked, coming level with the pony.

She sighed and looked down. “No. I'm not allowed to. I can only visit sometimes. In fact I shouldn't be here right now.”

“Who lives here? And why aren't you allowed here?”

Shyvanna looked up sadly. “The dragons live here. And I'm not allowed because I'm the leader's bastard daughter.”

I stopped. “Wait wait wait wait. You, a pony, are the leader of the dragons' bastard daughter? Does that mean a pony a had sex with a dragon? How the hell does that work? Everything about it is genetically wrong, scientifically impossible, AND FUCKING RULE 34 TO BOOT! WHAT THE SHIT?”

“I knew I shouldn't have said that.” The half-dragon muttered, looking close to tears.

I laughed. “That is fucking amazing.” I looked back over my shoulder. “Hey Joel! Come here!”

Joel jogged up beside us. “Yeah man?”

“Shyvanna here is a half-dragon.”

“So that’s why you were screaming about rule 34. Good to know.”

“Indeed. Alright Shyv, We've found out something new about ponies, and dragons for that matter, so it's your turn. What do you want to know?”

Shyvanna though for a second. “Why did you just call me Shyv and why did I find you in under a huge sheet of steel?”

“Well. Here we go. I called you Shyv because Shyvanna is too long to say. As for the steel sheet, I'll give you the simple version. That was a part of a special carriage. This carriage can go up to 200 kilometers per hour. That's probably close to 10 times as fast as you can run. Anyway, this carriage runs off oil, burning it to make it drive. Now oil is highly combustible, so if the oil leaks out and gets ignited...”

“Boom.”

“Exactly. Now we are normally protected against that, but when you fall 10 meters directly onto a rock, well, it's not good. So it exploded with Joel and I only a few meters away. Thus, buried under a huge sheet of metal.”

Shyvanna tapped her ear with a hoof. “That's probably the most ridiculous thing I've heard.”

I stared at her. “You're the daughter of a pony and a dragon, and that is the weirdest thing you've ever heard?” I rubbed my hand over my face. “Ugh, this world just doesn't appreciate science.”

We reached the huge temple/roost/house thing. “What now?” Joel asked, looking at the rather apparent lack of stairs.

Shyv facehoofed. “That's right, you don't have wings. Ugh, what am I going to do with you two now?”

I leaned against a nearby pillar and slid down to the floor. “I'm good with the 'sit down and talk' option.”

“Sit down and talk it is.” Shyvanna stretched her wings and refolded them.

“So, you wanted to know more about humans?” I prompted, unconsciously pulling out Luna and laying her down in my lap.

Shyvanna eyed the knife. “Well for a start, why do you have one of the princess's cutie marks on your knife?”

Shit.

Author's Note

Mistakes. Comments. Whatever.

12: In which Equestria girls is officially a thing.

Honor the Dead
by BinaryTroll
Pre-read by nobody. :( Maybe I should actually bother looking for one. Nah, I'm good.
Chapter 12: “In which Equestria Girls is officially a thing.”

“THEY DID IT! THEY ACCTUALLY DID IT!”

Joel and Shyvanna jumped.

“You right there Wards?” Joel asked, looking concerned.

“HOW DOES NO ONE NOTICE SHE HAS PURPLE SKIN? WHY IS SPIKE A DOG? THE FUCK IS HAPPENING?”

I turned around, vomited up a stomach's worth of half digested baked beans, and blacked out.

I came to a few seconds later.

“What just happened?” I moaned, sitting up. My face felt wet. I wiped my cheek and checked my hand. “Ew.” I had fallen into a puddle of my own vomit.

Shyv and Joel stared at me, looking sick themselves.

“Alright, guys. What just happened?”

Joel blinked hard before replying. “Well, you screamed something about 'they actually did it', then turned around and vomited. And then blacked out.”

Shyvanna just held a hoof over her mouth and turned away.

I looked at her. “Well, judging by that reaction, I need a shower. Or a bath. Or hell, even a pond. Are there any around here?”

“Outside.” Shyv choked, pointing a hoof towards the door that led to the mouth of the cave. I strolled over to it and kicked it open.

Sunlight streamed into my eyes. “Fuck me, that’s bright.” I said, blinking. After the sun had finished burning itself onto the back of my eyes, I stepped outside. The cave was, of course, facing west into the setting sun.

I found a large pond a few meters away. The water was clear, and I could easily see the obsidian bottom. Must have been some volcanic activity around here. Well yeah, no shit. Of course there was. Dragons live here, so it would make sense. Stop repeating yourself. I'm not though. Well I am but- NO, SHUT UP. Stop talking to yourself. Okay. I said stop. Stop yourself. Now your being a hypocrite. So are you. We're the same person. Just shut up.

I finished my little internal dialogue and plunged my hands into the water.

“MOTHERFUCKER!” I comically jumped about 5 meters straight up into the air. Somehow. “THAT IS SO FUCKING COLD!”

I landed and rolled...

Straight into the pond.

I felt like someone had dropped me into a freezer. Being Australian, I don't exactly have high cold resistance. So screw you Canadians and Russians and Eskimos. It was fucking cold.

I clawed my way to the surface and took a deep breath. At least I was clean. Relatively. I swam over to the nearest edge and rolled myself out. “The universe must hate me.” I muttered, shivering.

I made my way back into the cave, dripping water. I was soaked through. Fucking fantastic. So much for my ipod. And my dignity. And my body heat. I stumbled over the door I kicked down earlier and walked back to Joel and Shyvanna.

“S-u-u-up?” I asked, my teeth chattering.

“Dude, you look almost worse than when you left.”

I rubbed my hands together and curled up into a ball. “Can w-we go out-t-t-side? I'm fr-r-r-r-eezing.”

Joel stood up and stretched. “Why not? We can watch the sun set too.”

“I always preferred sunrise.”Shyv said, standing with Joel. “It sort of gets brighter, not darker.”

“I d-d-don't c-c-care. I'm fuc-c-c-king cold.”

Joel led the way out the door, his footsteps echoing around the cave. Shyv followed. I sprinted out after them.

“Why c-c-can't I stab-b-b wat-t-ter?” I asked no one in particular. No one in particular answered.

I slumped down on the grass and shivered. Joel sat next to me. Shyvanna stayed standing.

“Edward?”

I looked up at the half dragon.“Yeah Shyv?”

“Do you want to be dry?”

“That-t-t'd be gr-r-reat.”

Shyv took a deep breath.

“Oh shit.” I held up my arms in an attempt to defend myself.

Shyvanna exhaled, breathing a huge gout of flame into the air just above my head. I think my lovely blue eyebrows got singed off. After sustaining the flame for a second, she closed her mouth, cutting off the fire.

“Fuck me. I think you boiled my brain.”

Shyv smiled mischievously. “What brain?”

I scowled. “I hate you.”

“I could push you back in the pond if you want.”

“And I could kill you in an instant.”

Shyvanna lay down on my right. “Point taken.”

I gazed out to the setting sun. “I have the sudden urge to play kingdom hearts again.”

Shyv looked up at me curiously. “Kingdom hearts?”

“It's a computer game.” Joel said from my left, fiddling with a blade of grass. “Wards has an unhealthy obsession with it.”

“Its not unhealthy! Or an obsession.” I snapped back.

“Yeah, that’s why you paid a thousand dollars for a coat.”

Shyv just looked even more confused. “What's a computer game?”

“Doesn't matter. Just think a game where you can magically be someone else. That’s about as believable as its gonna get for you.”

“It sounds stupid.”

“It probably is. But it's almost as fun as doing it in real life. And you can do things you could never do in real life anyway. Like sprout a pair of wings and fly. Or nuke the entire world.”

“Nuke?”

“Super massive bomb type thing.”

Shyvanna nodded slowly. “Right.”

We sat in silence for a few more minutes before Shyvanna spoke up again.

“I thought you couldn't use magic?”

I sighed. “We can't. We are just a super technologically advanced race. As my father always said: 'any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.' So it was easier to explain as magic, because that's something you can understand.”

“Try me.”

“The computer does its primary work in a part of the machine we cannot see, a control center that converts data input to information output. This control center, called the central processing unit (CPU), is a highly complex, extensive set of electronic circuitry that executes stored program instructions. All computers, large and small, must have a central processing unit. The central processing unit consists of two parts: The control unit and the arithmetic/logic unit. Each part has a specific function.

Before we discuss the control unit and the arithmetic/logic unit in detail, we need to consider data storage and its relationship to the central processing unit. Computers use two types of storage: Primary storage and secondary storage. The CPU interacts closely with primary storage, or main memory, referring to it for both instructions and data. For this reason this part of the reading will discuss memory in the context of the central processing unit. Technically, however, memory is not part of the CPU.

Recall that a computer's memory holds data only temporarily, at the time the computer is executing a program. Secondary storage holds permanent or semi-permanent data on some external magnetic or optical medium. The diskettes and CD-ROM disks that you have seen with personal computers are secondary storage devices, as are hard disks. Since the physical attributes of secondary storage devices determine the way data is organized on them, we will discuss secondary storage and data organization together in another part of our on-line readings.

Now let us consid-"

"Wards. Shut up."

I looked at Joel meekly. "Sorry."

Shyvanna's eyes were spinning around like marbles in a jar. Being a cartoon is weird. I thumped her on the head.

"You right there Shyv?"

Her eyes stopped spinning. "Yeah, I don't think I understand anything you just said."

"Wardo knows best." Joel said from the ground next to me.

"Shut up Joel. But yeah. Next time, just trust me when I say you don't want to know."

"I will."

I stood up. "I'mma go get some sticks for a fire. You two can stay here or come, I don't really care.”

Joel made a mock sad face. “You don't care about me? I thought we had something Wards.”

I gritted my teeth. “One, shut up. Two, that makes us sound like we're gay. Three, you know perfectly well what I meant.”

“Oh, really?”

“Bye.” I strode off up the mountain.

Twenty minutes later

“I really didn't think this through, did I?” A mountain with no trees will not have sticks. There are no branches for the sticks to come from, no trees for the branches to come from, and its too damn steep to have any trees growing on it. Not to mention rocky.

I picked up a stone and tossed it down the mountain. It bounced twice before disappearing from view.

Stupid lack of trees. At least the grass on the plains was burnable. If horrible smelling.

I cracked my knuckles and ran up the slope. Maybe something will have managed to grow on the top.

The loose rocks made it rather treacherous to run up the mountain like a madman, but who was I if not a madman? I stumbled as a large stone wobbled under my foot, but I recovered quickly and continued.

I was getting ever closer to the summit of the mountain. I had already passed through some low clouds, so I must be almost there.

I reached the top of the... Volcano? Yes, it was a volcano. A huge pool of lava lay in a crater that served as the summit. And the pool was swelling. And gurgling. Well shit.

I turned around and half sprinted, half slid back down the slope.

“Hey guys! The volcano is kinda erupting!” I yelled down to my friends once they were in earshot. “You might want to ditch!”

I slid the last few meters to Joel and grabbed onto him to stop myself from sliding off the edge.

“How do you know?” Shyv asked, jumping to her feet. “Was there lava in the top?”

“It was getting close to over flowing.”

“Buck. We have to leave. Now.” Shyvanna ran for the edge and jumped, opening her wings. Jesus, they were huge. “Come on, I'm strong enough to carry you both.” She called back to us, circling.

“Dude, you go first.” Joel said, looking a bit sceptically at Shyv.

I turned to the pegasus and ran. “CATCHMECATCHMECATCHME!” I fell into her front legs. “Ow. Your hooves are hard.”

She ignored my complaint. “Joel, your turn.”

“Are you sure about this?”

“No.”

Joel smiled. “Excellent.” He began to run. “LEEROOOOOOOOOY JENKIIINS!”

He dived off the edge after me and safely landed on Shyvanna's back. She grunted. “You're a bit heavier than I thought.”

“Are you still fine to carry us?”

“Yeah.”

With a few powerful flaps, She took us to an adjacent mountain. Hopefully not a volcanic one.

Shyv set us down at around the same point as we were on the volcano. Just as the top exploded.

KUH-BOOM

“MOTHER FUCKER!” Fiery death rained from the top of the volcano as lava rushed down the slope.

I marveled at how close we had been to being burnt alive. “Hey Shyv. Why didn't you tell us that we were on an active volcano?”

“You never asked.”

“I hate that response.”

Joel sighed. “It doesn't matter anymore, we survived thanks to Shyvanna.”

“Indeed we did. So now what?”

Shyvanna landed and folded her wings. “I would suggest we try to find a dragon who is kind enough to shelter us for tonight. Or at least a cave.

Joel put his hand up. “I second that motion.”

I raised my eyebrows. “Motion passed. Lets go find a dragon.”

Nek minute

“NO, you half-breed scum!” The dragon slammed the bolder back into the mouth of his cave.

I sighed and put my face in my hands. “This world is not exactly as 'sunshine and rainbows' as the show makes it out to be.”

Shyvanna turned back and joined Joel and I. “What did you expect, a warm welcome to a half-breed? Dragons are afraid of whats different. And I'm about as different as they get.”

“Well fuck em. I'm sick of these idiots' attitude.” Joel said

I drew the royal sisters and smiled. “People don't have attitude when they're dead.”

Author's Note

Standard procedure. Comment on any mistakes in the comments.

13: Why being racist is a bad idea.

Honor the Dead
by BinaryTroll
Pre-read by nobody. :( Maybe I should actually bother looking for one. Nah, I'm good.
Chapter 13: “Why being racist is a bad idea.”

“Your going to kill a dragon with two knives?” Joel asked sceptically.

My insane smile grew wider. “Yup.”

“And the massive boulder?”

My smile died. “Ah shit.”

Joel crossed his arms. “Yeah. That’s what I thought.”

“I'm going to have to wait a while for Dan to come in with a rocket launcher.”

Joel blinked. “What?”

“LOUD AND CLEAR!” Dan yelled out of the earpiece. “ETA ten minutes.”

Joel sighed. “Shit.”

9 minutes and 59 seconds later

The familiar sound of a jet engine grew louder, shaking the teeth in my head. But unlike the other times Dan dropped something off, he hovered close by.

“What the hell is he doing?” I asked of no one in particular. Shyvanna just stared open-mouthed at the flying metal beast. “Oh, by the way Shyv, that thing is called a jet. It flies.”

“No shit.” She said slowly, rubbing her eyes with a hoof. “What kind of magic can keep something like that in the air?”

“The magic of...” I paused for effect. “SCIENCE!”

“Riiight.”

The experimental VTOL jet came to a halt, its engines lowering and allowing it to hover. The cockpit opened slowly and a small, man shaped figure jumped out.

“Sup Joel?” Dan asked, effortlessly carrying a RPG.

“Nea.” Joel replied, uncrossing his arms and striding over to Dan. “Any reason why you landed?”

“Didn't want to lose expensive equipment. These mountains aren't exactly flat.” He said, brandishing the RPG. “Speaking of which...” He tossed the rocket propelled grenade in my general direction, as though it was as light as a feather.

I barely caught it. “Fuck dude, just hand it to me next time.” I complained, hoisting the launcher onto my shoulder. “These things are heavy.”

“Stop being a baby, you're fine.” Dan said, rolling his eyes.

The moment he said that, I felt my shoulder dislocate and collapse under the weight.

“Ow.” I whimpered. “You just had to fucking jinx it.”

The RPG landed with a soft thump. I reached around to my shoulder and probed the joint a bit.

“Ow. Ow. Ow. FUCK!” The joint popped back in with a loud crack. “Thanks dickhead.”

“You're welcome.”

Dan turned back to Joel. He was wearing a Hawaiian shirt, goggles, and faded jeans. His hair was a garish combination of green and pink and stuck out like a mad scientist's. Bloody hell, that looked horrible.

As Dan and Joel caught up a bit, I made my way over to the rock Shyvanna was sitting on. She looked bewildered. Can't blame her really. It's the same kind of thing that happens when anyone meets Dan. Or any of us three really.

“You okay?” I asked, sitting down beside her. No answer. “Shyv?” I tapped her on the shoulder.

Shyv flinched like I'd shocked her. “Please don't touch my shoulder.”

“Umm, why?”

She shivered. “I don't know. I just... I just don't like it.”

“Okaaay.” I stood up. “We gonna go kill that dick or what?”

“Huh?”

I sighed. “The dragon. You know, the one who called you a filthy half-breed?”

Shyvanna got to her feet and looked towards Dan and Joel. “Isn't killing him a bit extreme? It's a valid argument.”

I cracked my knuckles and scooped up the RPG. “Probably, but I was bullied all my life for things I could control, I'm not going to let people get bullied for things they can't. Either way, I'm going to teach him a lesson he won't forget.”

“Hey Wards!” Joel called.

“Yeah?”

“You ready to kill a dragon?”

“FUCK YEAH!”

I squeezed the trigger.
Flames shot out behind me as the rocket launched, leaving a trail of smoke in the air. The boulder exploded into hundreds of pieces, all flying out from the point of impact. I slung the launcher over my back and pulled out Celestia.

“LETS FUCK THIS GUY UP!” I yelled, sprinting into the cave.

The dragon lifted his head up. “Oh, what is it-” my foot crashed into his left eye. “OWWW!”

Mr dragon was about the size of a large crocodile, with features to match. He was a boring red color and had large green eyes. Which were currently closed. Because I kicked him. In the face. Twice.

“ALRIGHT THEN FAGGOT!” I stomped an iron heel on his snout. “LISTEN UP!” I slammed Celestia into the ground next to his right eye. “THIS HERE IS MY GOOD FRIEND CELESTIA, THE CHEMICALLY SHARPENED TITANIUM ALLOY VERSION! Now, Celestia doesn't like rude and judgmental people, like you. So I would suggest not moving. Me? I'm the guy who's here to teach you an important life lesson. Being a judgmental twat is bad. Many other races exist on this planet, and they deserve to be treated with as much respect as you treat your own. A person cannot chose their parents, and you should not tease them or judge them because of it. Because if you do, it may turn out that they or their friends are much more powerful than you, and you might get hurt or killed because of it.” I cracked my knuckles. “And wouldn't that be a shame?” I lifted my foot up.“So, WHAT THE HELL HAVE WE LEARNED?” I yelled into the shivering dragon's face.

“That bei-”

“START WITH 'DEAR PRINCESS CELESTIA! SHE'S THE ONE YOUR TRYING TO STOP FROM KILLING YOU!” I pulled the massive white bowie out of the ground and waved it in front of his eye.

The dragon flinched and started again. “Dear princess Celestia, today I learned that being a judgmental twat is bad. Many other races exist on this planet, and they deserve to be treated with as much respect as my own. A person cannot chose their parents, and I should not tease them or judge them because of it. Because if I do, it may turn out that they or their friends are much more powerful than me, and I may get hurt or killed because of it.”

I smiled and sheathed the knife. “Good. Now, my friends and I are going to be living here for the next few days. We'll take good care of the place, and it will be in as good,” I looked distastefully around at the random bits of junk scattered about. “If not better condition than when you left. Think of it as a camping trip.” I smiled maliciously. “And don't try to take it back, or it might just become permanently mine.”

“Yes sir.” The dragon squeaked.

I stepped off the dragon's snout. “I'm not a sir, I'm a maniac.” The dragon stayed in the same position, unmoving. “Well, what are you waiting for?” I pointed at the cave door. “GTFO!”

The dragon scurried off out the door in a way reminiscent of a rat.

A laughing Joel walked into the cave, with Dan following and a bewildered Shyvanna bringing up the rear. He looked around the half destroyed cave. “Well, I guess you taught him an important life lesson.”

I grinned. “Quite.”

Dan lifted up the RPG that I had tossed to one side. He ran a hand over a small dent in the tube and quietly sighed. “What else have you two broken?”

Joel smiled sheepishly. “Pretty much everything.”

Dan slung the launcher over his back. “We don't have infinite funds you know...”

“Speaking of which, how much money have we got left?” I asked, kicking back on the moth-eaten and slightly singed sofa.

“Only sixty or seventy million.”

I snorted. “Only? It's not like we run an army.”

Dan smirked. “Maybe, but you two destroy more gear in a month than most armies destroy in a year.”

“Oh shut up.”

Dan stretched. “Well, I'll be off then. Got things to do.”

“What things?” I asked curiously. Dan isn't know for doing things.

“Oh you know, governing time and space, manipulating the time stream, fixing paradoxes and all that boring guff.”

I looked at him cynically. “Bitch please.”

He just smiled and left.

Shyvanna slapped herself with a hoof. “What just happened?”

Joel yawned and sat down beside me. “Well, Wards just got us a place to crash.”

Shyv blinked. “But- but that was a dragon.”

“Your point?”

“You made a dragon, one of the stubbornest races in Equestria, admit that he was a twat. How?”

I laughed. “Violence solves everything.”

Shyvanna sat down heavily to my right. “But-”

“Violence solves everything:”

“But-”

“Everything!”

“Alright, fine. But shouldn't we clean this place up or something?” she asked, nudging a dirty piece of metal with her hoof.

I yawned and lay back. “Tomorrow. I'm tired.”

Shyvanna tried to say something but I was already asleep.

The morning after (HUEHUEHUEHUEHUE)

Something was burning. Things should not be burning. Hmmm. Run system check. What the hell do you think you are, a computer? Shut up, I'm tired. Well no shit, you just woke up. Go away. How am I supposed to? I'm your brain. I know. What do you think I'm going to do? Just hop out of your head? Shut up, I'm too tired to think about this right now. I need caffeine.

I sniffed. Yes, something was on fire. I eased open my eyes. Yes, I can see the flames.

My brain slowly comprehended that.

OH SHIT! I can see the flames!

My eyes shot open. My crotch was on fire. You know, that should probably hurt more. Oh right.

In my mind I jumped off the couch and executed a perfect roll, putting out the fire. In reality I awkwardly fell and rolled around a bit. Either way, the fire was out. Now, time to find the source. I smiled inwardly. It's a good thing my clothing is fireproof.

Shyvanna was quietly snoring on the sofa, expelling a small orange gout of flame with each breath. Note to self: never sleep next to a half dragon who snores.

I felt a smile creeping onto my face. There was something so cute about the sleeping pony. If I wasn't careful I'd catch diabetes. Even though that's scientifically impossible. But whatever. This world is scientifically impossible.

I shifted my gaze towards Joel, who was undignifidely sprawled across the rest of the couch. My smile became more evil. I might be able to have some fun with this.

I sorted through the random bits of metal that littered the floor of the dragon's cave until I found one that vaguely resembled a bucket. I picked it up and quietly stepped outside. It was early morning, the sun hadn't even risen yet. A cool breeze blew, making my coat swirl around my ankles. It helped clear my head and I took a deep breath. “Jesus, this feels great.”

I rubbed my eyes and looked around for a source of water. A small stream splashed down the edge of the mountain, a hundred or so meters away. A little path led up to it. It seemed so tranquil. Too damn tranquil. Needs more explosions. Shut up brain.

The gravel of the path crunched under my boots as I made my way to the little river. A small fish leaped out of the water before diving back in. Ugh, fish. I scooped up a bucketful of water and grinned. Joel won't know what hit him.

As I walked back to the cave I drunk in the sights. Equestria is seriously beautiful. Plains stretched to the horizon on my right, the mountains continued to my left and the Everfree brought up the center. The sun was creeping up onto the horizon, painting the sky an amazing mix of purple and orange. I reached the cave and continued to stare at the slow rising sun.

“Beautiful isn't it?”

“Yeah.”

Shyvanna walked up to my side and sat down. We were silent for a few more minutes before Shyvanna asked “What's the bucket for?”

My evil grin returned. “You'll see.”

Shyvanna started to grin too. “I think I know what you have in mind. And allow me to help.”

I handed the bucket to her. “What are you going to do?”

“Something I've been wanting to do for ages.” She inhaled deeply. “FO, KRAH DIIN”

The water formed and icy sheet which Shyv broke with a hoof.

I laughed. “This is so stupid. I feel like a kid.”

“So?”

“Well, come on then, lets give Joel the waking of a lifetime.”

Shyv giggled.

I lifted the cold bucket and crept back into the cave. “Wakey, wakey.”

I threw the contents of the bucket onto Joel's face.

His eyes shot open and he gasped. Still semi blind, he drew one of the Glocks and fired a few rounds randomly. Fortunately they didn't hit me.

Unfortunately, they were aimed at Shyv.

14: Never piss off a dragon.

Honor the Dead
by BinaryTroll
Pre-read by Nobody. Like seriously, the guy's name is Nobody.
Chapter 14: “Never piss off a ~~dragon~~ human.”

Two of the bullets ripped through Shyvanna's foreleg whilst another tore through her wing. Blood sprayed out of the wounds, coating the floor in crimson. She dropped without a sound.

“JESUS MAN! WHAT THE hell...” Joel trailed off as he saw Shyvanna lying on the ground in a pool of her own blood. “Did I just?”

“No, she's still breathing.”

Joel released a massive breath. “Oh thank god.”

I knelt down by Shyv's side. “She might be still alive now, but if she doesn't get help she won't be for long.”

“Good thing we're here then.”

I silently stared at Joel for a few seconds. “You do realize we're the reason she's like this?”

“Yes, but we're also the only ones able to help her.”

I cracked my knuckles. “Well then, find some first aid and I'll-”

Shyvanna twitched.

“Stay still.” I said quietly into her ear. “You're losing blood and I don't think moving is going to help.”

“Move.” She groaned.

“What?”

“Stand.” She flinched. “Back.”

“Okay.” I stood up and took three steps back. “Is this good?”

“Yeah.” She smiled. And that's when I noticed it.

Her teeth were no longer that of a herbivore's, they were wickedly pointed fangs. Not made for shearing through gems, but for eating meat.

“Uh Shyv? Something weird's happening to your teeth.”

She didn't respond.

“Shyv?”

“Please don't freak out.”

“What the hell is happening?” I asked, my voice becoming unnaturally high.

Shyv burst into flames. Quite literally. Her mane became a raging inferno, slowly engulfing the rest of her body. All I could see was her silhouette now, a darker patch in the blaze. And something was happening. Her ears were elongating, becoming sharp. They lengthened until they were about the size of my forearm, becoming a pair of wicked horns.

The flames began to die down and Shyv stood, shaking off some excess embers. Her ears were still there, they just seemed to have disappeared in her silhouette. Two long, ebony colored horns rose from her temples, pointing backward and following the direction of her face. She smiled, and the teeth I had noticed earlier were still there, sharp and deadly.

My eye twitched. “Okay, trying not to panic, but you appear to have grown a pair of FUCKING HORNS!”

“Not to mention some distinctly non-herbivorous teeth.” Joel added, stepping up beside me.

Shyvanna giggled a little. “Yeah, getting hurt does that.”

I rubbed my eyes, blinked and then slapped myself. “Okay, being hurt does not mean you are not hurt a few seconds later, and I'm pretty sure that YOU DON'T GROW A PAIR OF FUCKING HORNS!”

“And carnivorous teeth” Joel added, still standing calmly by my side as I practically tore my wonderful blue hair out at this scientific impossibility.

“It's a half-dragon thing. The more I get hurt, the more dragon-like I become. In fact, the only way to properly kill me is to either cut off my head, or kill me while changing. If I lose a body part, I turn entirely into a dragon.” Shyv explained, smiling.

“Alright. But I just need to say this; YOU GREW FUCKING HORNS!”

“And carnivorous teeth.”

Shyv burst out laughing. After a few seconds of regaining her breath, she said “Yeah, I did notice.”

“Good, we've established that you've grown a fucking pair of horns. Now, can we get on with the morning?”

“You're the one who's holding it up Wards.”

I ran a hand through my hair and sighed. “This is why I don't get up before noon.”

EPIC CLEANING MONTAGE

“Did anyone else hear 'epic cleaning montage' in their head just now?”

Shyvanna looked at me like I was insane, which I guess I am. “No.”

Joel shrugged. “Nope.”

“Right, just me then. Speaking of which, do you want to clean this place up? Maybe raid the non-existent fridge?”

“Isn't that stealing?” Shyv asked, running her tongue over her new teeth.

“Pff, by the time he gets back it'll all be rancid anyway. In fact we'd be doing him a favor, he won't have to clean up the rotten food.”

“Dragons eat gems. Last I checked they don't rot. Also, what's a fridge?”

“It's box that keeps stuff cold. But whatever. Hey Joel?”

Joel looked up from a pile of assorted metal bits. “Yeah?”

I gestured toward the mound. “The fuck are you doing?”

“Piling up bits of metal.”

“Why?”

“Because my brain sent signals to my arms and hands to start piling up bits of metal.”

“Why?”

“Because I want to pile up bits of metal.”

“Why?”

“Because of small electrical signals in my brain that process information.”

I was silent.

He blinked.

I blinked.

He blinked again.

“Okay.” I shrugged and looked around. It looked like someone had taken an apartment and medievalised it. Random bits of metal lay around on the ground, as well as a few gems on the tables. Speaking of the decor, it was rather bland. It was all cut from dull gray stone, with little ornamentation. Three straw beds sat in a row at the back of the cave.

My mind processed the information. I was still a bit slow. I need caffeine. Anyway, the dragon has no taste in furniture, likes metal and sleeps on three beds. Sleeps on three beds. That doesn't seem right.

And then it dawned on me, he wasn't the only one who lived here. “Shit.”

Shyvanna and Joel looked up from whatever the hell it was that they were doing. “What was that in aid of?” Joel asked, tensing slightly.

I pointed to the three beds. “I think Mr dragon isn't the only one who lives here.”

ROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAARRRR!

I clicked my tongue. “Yup. Definitely not the only person who lives here.”

Joel sighed and stood up. “What do people have to do to get a little peace around here?”

I rolled my shoulders. “Kill everything in the nearby vicinity.”

Joel snorted and took the AWP from a nearby table. “Works for me.”

I drew the sisters and stepped out into the sunlight.

Three dragons stood angrily outside, one red, one blue and one green. The red, our old friend Mr dragon, turned towards me. He blew a small gout of flame through his nostrils before speaking. “Alright then mutants. I'm here to take back my home.”

“You and what army?”

The dragon grinned and gestured behind him with a claw. “This one.”

Seven more dragons rose into the air, a veritable rainbow of colors. They roared in unison, expelling a just as colorful flame.

I sighed and muttered “Me and my fucking massive mouth.”

Mr dragon laughed. “Oh you are helplessly outnumbered. Why don't you just leave?”

I met his gaze. “Outnumbered?” I laughed. “Maybe so, but you are far outmatched.”

“Come on guys, lets fuck em up!” Red called over his shoulder. The six dragons responded by landing in a circle around us.

Shyv took a defense stance, her eyes constantly flicking between the dragons. “Guys, are you sure about this?”

Red snarled and leaped towards me. I leaned left and watched him go sailing past. He faceplanted into ground behind me with a metallic thump.

I glanced at the now unconscious dragon before returning my gaze to the circle. “Next?”

“Oh my god, look what he did to Zippo!” Said green, pointing with a claw.

“Actually, Wards didn't do anything except lean slightly.” Joel interrupted.

Green stared at me.

I stared back.

Green started to smile. “Come on boys. Lets roast 'em.”

“Oh right, the deadly fire. How could I forget the deadly fire?” I muttered, readying myself.

The dragons roared in unison, spraying fire into the circle. I didn't even bother trying to defend myself, I just waited for the fire to boil my insides.

Nothing happened of course. The fire just sort of swirled around before dissipating.

From behind me, Shyvanna laughed. “Is that all you got? Come on guys, you can do better than that.”

I glanced over my shoulder. “Um, Shyv? Your horns are glowing.”

“Doing magic does that.” She replied, not taking her eyes off the rainbow of dragons.

“Since when can you do magic?” Joel asked from my left.

“Since you shot me.”

Green picked his jaw off the floor and scowled. “Well then, I guess we'll just have to do this the fun way.”

Green lunged in a similar fashion to Zippo. But unlike Zippo, he was aiming for Shyv. He caught her on her temple, knocking her unconscious in an instant. I spun and lashed out with Luna, the blade slamming into his eye. He was dead before anyone else could react. I pulled the knife out and wiped it on his scales.

Blue decided to take charge this time, and took to the sky. “Fly! They can't catch us if we're in the air. And little Shyv can't protect them now. We can grill them at our leisure.”

The rest of the dragons followed his example, circling above our heads.

“You know, that would be a good plan. If you knew what this is.” Joel called up to them, brandishing the rifle.

Blue replied with a fireball. Joel dived and rolled out of it's path before returning fire.

The round smashed through blue's eye socket before tearing through a purple dragon's wing. They both fell to earth with a heavy thunk. Joel chambered another round with practiced ease. “Next.”

The remaining dragons flew off as fast as their wings could carry them. I heard a moan from behind me and turned to face Zippo, who was now regaining consciousness. I sheathed Celestia and strode over to him.

I clamped my left hand over his snout. The dragon opened his eyes but couldn't defend himself. After trying to open his mouth and failing, he went limp.

“Hey red.”

Zippo made a sound of acknowledgment.

“You lost.”

He whimpered sadly.

“And now I'm going to take your all scales.”

He looked surprised.

“By butchering you like a fish.”

Zippo screamed inside his mouth.

I raised Luna and plunged her down into the dragon's skull, pinning his head to the ground.

I stood up and yanked the knife out Zippo's head. Joel tapped me on the shoulder. “Dude, I don't think that was necessary.”

“Yeah I know, but it was worth it.”

“Are you sure?” Joel asked, pointedly looking in Shyvanna's direction.

Shyvanna was obviously now conscious again, and she looked close to tears. I think my heart may have melted itself. For the first time in my life, I felt I like I regretted killing someone.

I slowly took a few steps towards her. She looked completely shell shocked. Holy shit, what did I just do? “Shyv? Are you okay?”

She didn't respond.

I knelt and put a hand on her shoulder. “Shyv, can you hear me?”

She nodded slightly.

“Good. I know you just saw someone you know die, it's difficult. But trust me, you'll move on. You have to. Things that help include coffee, mountain dew, chocolate and awesome friends. Fortunately, you have at least two of those.”

“But-”

“He's dead. And there's nothing you can do. And you shouldn't want to either. I warned him and I carried through with my threat. Just sit down, drink some coffee, and take your mind off it.”

She shuddered but took some shaky steps toward the cave. I rushed to support her. Joel took a final look at the destruction we had created before coming to help me. Together we half dragged, half carried Shyvanna back to the couch.

Once there Shyv looked up into my eyes and asked, “How can you be so calm about this?” She might as well have been staring into my soul.

I sighed heavily and sat down beside her. “Because I do it almost every day.”

“You kill people every day?”

“It's a job. And unfortunately, one of the most important ones in the world. But it's not a thing that you should be discussing.” I stood up and walked over to the remnants of our supplies. After rummaging around for a bit, I found the jar of sugar and, more importantly, coffee.

The sound of water boiling greeted me as I walked over to Joel, who was standing over the bucket of water I had thrown on him earlier. It was suspended over a small pool of lava. After a minute, he lifted it off the rack and set it down on a nearby bench. I pulled out the only cup we had left and pored the boiling water into it.

“Hooray for powdered coffee.” I muttered as I put in rather large amount of the stuff. Half a handful of sugar aaaaand...

Done.

I stirred the still boiling coffee with another random piece of metal before taking it to Shyv. “Here, drink it. You may feel a slight burning sensation on your tongue.”

She accepted it without a word. After studying the brown liquid for a second, she made up her mind and sipped it. I guess being half dragon means that you really don't care if the water is boiling hot or not, because after that she basically sculled it.

Shyv's pupils dilated. “Whatisthis?”

I smiled slightly at her reaction to the caffeine. “That would be coffee.”

Her eyes flickered left and right. “What'shappeningtome?Whyiseverythingsoslow?” Okay. Not good. I thought it might perk Shyv up a bit, but this shouldn't be happening.

“Shyv, I think you may have overreacted to the caffeine. Just... I don't know, run around a little.”

She jumped up into the air and ran around me in a circle about fifty times, before collapsing to the ground.

“What have you done?” Joel asked, staring at the barely conscious pony.

“I have no idea. But we need alcohol. Fast.”

Author's Note

I have no idea where I'm going with this.

15: I couldn't think of a good name for this chapter. Sue me.

Honor the Dead
by BinaryTroll
Pre-read by a Nobody. Named Roxas.
Chapter 15: “I couldn't think of a good name for this chapter. Sue me.”

I pressed in the button on my earpiece. “Hey Dan. I need any form of drinkable alcohol as fast as possible. That will be all.”

The earpiece crackled. Presumably that was Dan laughing. “I can be there in a minute or two. I'm currently shipping about five tonnes of vodka so I'll see you soon.”

“Righto.” The earpiece fell silent.

I looked silently around the room. Joel coughed quietly. I hummed a bit of a random song. Joel glared at me. All was silent again. I glanced at a non-existent watch. My mind processed that. I slapped myself. Joel didn't even blink.

I heard the faint roar of that familiar jet engine. “There we go.”

I stepped back outside into the destruction of just a few minutes earlier. Jesus, it felt like hours. Zippo was still lying on the ground, his head coated in blood. The purple dragon had left, just a small red stain where he had been. Blue's eyes had been completely ripped out by Joel's shot, they lay on the stone a few meters away. And of course, Dan's VTOL hovered above it all.

The cockpit opened and Dan tossed out a small case of bottles. “Sorry I can't stay and chat, but I got a delivery to make!” He shouted over the roar of the engine.

I saluted him as the cockpit closed and the jet blasted off. Jesus that thing was fast, it was out of sight in just a few seconds. The combination of the sun and the reflective paint job made it look like it flashed away.

The bottles clinked together as I sat them on the ground next to Shyv (who was conscious again). “Alright, this stuff is really potent. So for the love of god...” She downed one of the bottles in a single gulp. “Don't drink it it all at once.” I sighed.

“Feeling any better?” Joel asked, popping the cap off one of the remaining bottles.

A tiny smile crept onto Shyv's face as she uncorked another bottle with her teeth. She took a long pull. “Yeah. But it tastes kinda bitter though.”

I reached out my hand for the bottle. “Shyv, as I said, this stuff is very potent. You've had enough.”

She giggled and scooted away. “No I haven't. I'm fine.”

“Why did I not see this coming?” I muttered.

“Cause you're an idiot?” Joel asked sarcastically and a little too loudly.

“Goddamn it Joel.” I sighed. “Alright you two, just stay still. Don't talk.”

“Stop being such a grump.” Shyv levitated a bottle up to my face. “Have some, it can't hurt.”
“Actually It can.” I said, swatting the bottle away. “Alcohol isn't particularly good for you.”

She shoved the bottle into my hand. “Stop being a spoilsport. Lighten up.”

“Ugh. The only reason why you're like this is because I needed you to lighten up.” I muttered, lifting the bottle to my lips but not drinking. “Unfortunately, it worked.”

Shyv looked at me with disappointment. “Come on, drink!”

When I didn't, she levitated the liquid out of the bottle and forced it down my throat.

After I had finished choking, I glared at Shyv. “You could of killed me.”

She took a swig from a third bottle before replying. “So? You've risked your life multiple times recently, I doubt that was anywhere near-” Shyv hiccuped. “the most dangerous thing you've ever done.”

“Yeah.” I coughed. “But I don't really think that it helps me much either.”

“You'll be fine!” Joel practically shouted, standing on his head for no particular reason.

I looked from Shyv's hopeful face to Joel's red one. “Ah fuck it. I've always wondered what it's like to be drunk. I mean, we're in the middle of nowhere. What could go wrong?” I sipped a small amount of the vodka and coughed. “That's disgusting.”

“It gets better the more you drink.” Shyv said, lying back on the couch.

Joel finally lost balance and fell over onto the floor with a meaty crunch. “Ow.” He muttered, stumbling to his feet.

I sighed and tilted my head back, sculling the entire bottle. Maybe I'll pass out and not have to die of embarrassment.

Your wish has been granted

I sighed and flopped onto my bed. The sun's light filtered through some of the small holes made by the claws of the numerous failed assassins. Tartarus, this is tiring. I smiled. Probably something to do with me not sleeping properly for a year. You'd think being the caretaker of the night would allow you to sleep really well. But of course I need to take care of the many nightmares of the world while I sleep.

I yawned and closed my eyes. At least my body gets some rest. With all this chaos I almost wish I could go back to the moon. Almost.

The familiar white abyss of the dreamscape opened up in front of me. A few random dreams passed by. I ignored them, I was looking for something specific. Where was that human?

For a while I wandered around in the quiet of the dreamscape, looking for any severe nightmares. Fortunately there were none. Just the usual run of the mill things, fear of heights, fear of a crowd, fear of the headless pony, fear of knives with my cutiemark on them, fear of... wait what?

I turned around and floated the dream over to me. It depicted a knife similar in shape to Bad Bertha, but larger. It was a dark blue that matched the color of my coat, complete with cutiemark. Well I was looking for something different, this counts right?

I carefully created a entryway into the dream and flew through it.

As usual the dream formed around me, spreading out from under my no longer ethereal hooves. My vision adjusted to fit the darkness and I looked around. I was in a small room. There was a window that looked directly out onto the full moon, a bed with a pattern of stars running along it, a painting of a bat eating an apple, some random shelves and a small glowing rectangle that sat on a desk.

Somepony, or rather, someone was sitting at the desk, making constantly clicking sounds and fooling around with something sitting on top. I quietly trotted over to the only life in the room and stared at the glowing rectangle. Human writing scrolled across the rectangle, the individual letters appearing and disappearing in time with the clicking.

“What's this?” I asked the human sitting in the chair.

“FUCK ME!” He spun around in the chair, breathing heavily. “Goddamn it Luna, get out of my dream.”

I ignored his request and pointed a hoof at the glowing rectangle. “What's this? What does it do?”

The human sighed and spun back to face the rectangle. “This is a computer screen. It's used for science and other random human crap. Like porn. Of course. If you don't know what porn is, I'd recommend not asking. I'm really not in the mood for explaining it right now.”

I sat down next to the human and stared at the screen. “What are you doing?”

“It's a dream, I honestly have no idea.” The human clicked his fingers and the screen expanded and wrapped around us. “Probably something useless and random. That's all I ever do on computers.”

The human hummed a tune that I didn't recognize as the screen became the room we stood in. He swung his arms right and the room changed. The lines of text disappeared, they were instead replaced by a picture of... me? “Is that-?”

“Yeah, that'd be you in a nice glowy aesthetic. Sue me. It's looks cool.” The human floated around, his eyes tracing over an arrangement of small pictures that dotted the background. He selected one that looked like a piston and flew over to it. “Alright Luna, I have a question.”

I shifted back into my ethereal form and floated up next to him. “I'll answer it if you answer mine.”

The human smiled. “And that's why you're my favorite. Alright then, what?”

I ignored the favorite comment, I'd given up understanding humans shortly after I met Johnson. “What's your name?”

“Wait. I haven't told you my name?”

“No.”

The human lowered his face into his hands and muttered something that sounded like “this is why I don't do social stuff.” He sighed and said “My name is Edward. But you don't have to call me that. It's not like anyone ever does anyway.”

“I shall call you Edward then.”

“That's a nice change.” Edward said, floating upside down. “So, my question. Do you like games?”

I remembered the latest nightmare night, bobbing for apples and spider throwing.“Of course.”

Edward summoned a large white arrow into his hand and threw it at the picture. “Then lets have some fun.”

Above us another box popped into existence. It was a dark gray with lighter gray writing that said 'Connecting to steam account BinaryTroll...' After a few seconds it expanded and changed. A list of words ran down the left hand side in a thin column. On the right, a picture with more words plastered on it appeared. Edward threw the arrow at one of the names on the left hand column. The world turned black, save for the floating human.

Creepy music played and what appeared to be a bald human appeared. He had had a steam valve on the back of his head and was accompanied by the word 'Valve'. Edward slashed his hand frantically and the picture disappeared.

“Oh god. I hate that. It gives me the creeps.”

“Whats wrong with it?” I asked.

“The guy starts turning around. I'll never forgive Valve for that. I swear they do it on purpose.” Edward said, scowling.

Some other pictures popped up and disappeared too quickly for me to read. Finally the screen settled on on a picture of a thin human wearing a cap and brandishing a silver club. He was dressed in blue and looked rather smug. Edward ignored the picture and instead focused on the buttons on our left. He picked one and a gray box filled with more writing came up. The human almost instantly picked a line of text and pressed the button labeled 'connect'.

Three doors appeared in front of me. One red, one blue and a brown one labeled 'Random'. Edward ran through the blue one. I followed his lead and the dream went black again.

Yet another image came up. This one was of a very heavyset man who sported a massive gun. A box of text appeared to my right, presumably describing the man. Edward was nowhere to be seen.

“Alright Luna, pick a character to play as. They're the ones at the top.” His voice said, seemingly coming from all around.

I studied the list of characters. Nine humans stood in a line, each divided into three groups of three. The man from thin man was in the group 'offense' along with a man with a box with a helmet that fell over his eyes and a man entirely covered in a suit. The second group was labeled 'defense' and contained the heavyset man, a man with an eye patch and a man wearing sunglasses and a hardhat. The final group was called support and had a man with a sniper rifle and a large hat, a man with a white duster and glasses and finally a man in a suit wearing a balaclava and holding an odd knife.

I floated up to the thin man who appeared to be called scout and pressed the picture with an ethereal hoof.

My vision went black.

Author's Note

And there we go. If anything doesn't seem right in this chapter, let me know.

16: Gametime with Luna.

Honor the Dead
by BinaryTroll
Pre-read by nobody ever reads this section.
Chapter 16: “Gametime with Luna.”

I reopened my eyes to find myself standing on my hind legs, and holding some sort of gun in my hands. Wait, I don't have hands.

I blinked and looked down at my body. I was male for a start. Secondly, I was human. Thirdly, I felt AMAZING! I tested out my new limbs and found that I already knew how to use hands. I found a short, stubby pistol in my pocket and the metal club. My clothing had to be magic, because there was no way I could fit that thing in my pocket.

As I did this, some blue bars materialized in front of me. I shook my head, trying to rid myself of the rectangles, but they followed me wherever I looked. I stopped and studied them. On the bottom left of my vision was a picture of the scout, who it seems I now am, along with the number 100. In the middle a white dot appeared, along with a pair of brackets. On the top was a blue box with “745...” written in it. Bottom left had another blue box along with a large 6 and a smaller 50. I opened up the gun in my hands. It appeared to hold six shots. I found a bunch of shells in my left pocket. If I had to guess, fifty. I pulled out the pistol again and the numbers changed. I reached into my pocket and found that the shells were replaced by clips. I pulled out the bat and the numbers disappeared all together.

“Interesting.” I jumped out of the little gutter I was in in and looked around the room.

There were three rectangles to my right, one blue, one red and one white. They were labeled 'castle wall', 'castle wall 2', and 'skydiving' respectively. To my left was another blue one labeled 'idlers', and a yellow one labeled 'private rooms'. Other signs coated the walls. They appeared to be rules. I HAVE NO NEED FOR RULES! I AM THE PRINCESS OF THE NIGHT!

“Sup Lulu?” A familiar voice asked from behind me. The man with the large hat and sunglasses stepped up beside me, brandishing an absurdly long knife.

“Edward?” I asked.

“Fuck yeah. Follow me.” The man ran through a opening in front of us and turned left.

“Wait... How do I walk?” I called after him.

“Just will yourself forward.” I could somehow still hear him as though he was right next to me.

I tried it and found myself flying forward, my legs seemingly working of their own accord. I turned left and then left again, and found myself outside. A glass wall ran to my left and blocked my path forward. It was pretty low, maybe I could climb up.

I jumped and ended up sailing through the air as though I was on the moon again.

“Oh look, you've found out how to jump.” Edward said, falling down beside me.

“Where did you come from?” I asked, looking up.

“Skydiving. There's a jump pad over there.” He said, pulling out his rifle and firing a shot at a white tile that looked out of place on the cobblestone ground.

“You could have just pointed.”

“Actually, no. I couldn't have. You try.”

I tried, but I couldn't take my hands off the gun. “What sort of twisted magic is this?”

“The magic of video games. NOW LETS KILL SOME PEOPLE!” The human shouted, jumping over the glass wall and running into what looked like...

“Why are there fifty cakes just sitting on the ground over there?” I asked, easily catching up to Edward with my insane running speed.

“Who cares?” Edward ran right through them and they disappeared.

“But-”

“Just shut up and don't question it.”

“Okay.” I was starting to feel very concerned for this human's mental health.

CRACK

My vision suddenly changed to focus on a sniper, this one was dressed in red. He waved at me and said “thanks for standing still wanker.”

I found myself back in the room that I had originally spawned in. “What just happened?”

“You died.”

“Then how am I back here?”

“Respawn. Ohh shi-”

The human popped into existence beside me. “Hi.”

“Wankers.” He muttered, jumping into the rectangle labeled castle wall 1 and disappearing.

I didn't question it and just follow Edward. It was his mind after all. Although this is by far one of the weirdest dreams I have ever been in. I decided to try out skydiving. Maybe I'll be able to get a better look of what I'm up against. So I ran through the white portal and found myself a long way up in the air.

Looking down on the map, I could see a castle, the walls blocking out seemingly endless sky. There were three buildings, Heavy Boxing down the bottom (whatever that is), a two story house in the top left and a square building that connected to the bridge that ran over the cakes. A tower was set upon the wall in the top right as well. A roofed area covered a small patch the left wall. The humans fought down all through the castle, bullets, rockets and other projectiles flying all over the place. I spotted a red sniper.

“Well, I think you and I have a little score to settle.” I said, and jumped off the skydiving platform.

I floated down towards the sniper and pulled out the shotgun thing.

“HAVE AT THEE!” I fired, spraying bullets in a wide cone. '-108' came up in bold red text above the sniper's head. Two more shots and he was down. Each time more of the red numbers showed up.

A blue sniper strolled up and looked down at the body. “Shit Luna. You owned him.”

I felt myself grin. “Let's kill some more people. I thought spider toss was fun, but this...”

I ran off without finishing. It's about time I had some fun.

“HAHA!” I smacked a soldier in the face with my club. “WE CANNOT BE DEFETED!”

“Calm down Lulu. You shouting doesn't- OH SHIT SPY!- help.” The human sighed. “God damn it. That's it, I'M GOING FUCKING SCOUT ON YO ASS! Oh, and we need some badass music.”

A white window labeled iTunes popped up and a rather dark sounding song started playing. The box disappeared a moment later.

“What is the purpose of this?” I asked, wondering where the human had heard this... unique music.

“Badassery, what else? WOOOOOOOOO!” A blue scout jumped over my head. “Lets kill some bitches!”

The scout pulled out a quadruple barreled pistol and proceeded to jump away again, firing at another red scout. I followed him. “Where did you get that?” I asked, firing my pistol over his head at a dark skinned human with an eye-patch.

“Oh right. I'll trade you a few items in a sec. Just lemme-” A laser sliced through his head. “BALLS!”

I spun around and fired the pistol at the red sniper who had killed him. Another red laser blasted through my body and I dropped. Once again my vision zoomed towards the man who had killed me.

I re-spawned inside the white room again. “So, how do I get that pistol?” I asked Edward, who standing still.

“Here, accept the trade.” A black box popped up to my right that said 'BinaryTroll requests a trade. Accept?'

I accepted it and found my vision being replaced by a large gray box. A huge list of items showed up, mostly guns or weapons of some kind.

“Alright, just press the accept button and we can continue.” I pressed it.

A picture of the quadruple barreled pistol fill my vision. It was called the shortstop and seemed to be part of a set. I ignored that and pressed the open loadout button. A picture of me as a scout popped up, along with a few more gray boxes. I pressed the one that held the scattergun/shotgun thing and selected the shortstop. I then replaced my pistol with a soda called 'Bonk Atomic Punch'. I finally selected the Atomizer for my bat. I pressed the back button and then 'resume game'.

I was back, now holding the shortstop in my hands. I jumped out of the ditch again, but this time I jumped twice more, still in midair. “How am I doing this?”

“Just go with it.” Edward was back in the body of a sniper. He ran through the blue portal, muttering something that sounded like “Bloody bogans.”

I ran outside, double jumped my way up onto the castle wall and sprinted towards the tower. I heard a shot fire from above me and I ran inside the tower, climbing up the stairs in seconds. I found the red sniper at the top, staring down his scope.

I crept up behind him and held the shortstop to his head. I pulled the trigger and splattered his brains all over the wall.

“Nobody crosses the princess of the night.” I muttered, spinning the pistol.

From my vantage point I planned my next move. A blue sniper ran around with a huge knife, butchering anyone who came close. A red medic was healing a heavy who appeared to be on fire. A blue pyro lay dead on the ground nearby.

I jumped out the window and double-jumped as I began to fall. I used the third jump to land directly on the medic's head.

“WHY HELLO DEAR SUBJECT!” I smashed the bat into the medic's face. “HOW ARE YOU THIS FINE DAY?” A second hit with the bat broke the medic's skull. “APPARENTLY NOT TOO WELL!”

The heavy started to turn towards me. I pulled out the can of atomic punch and sculled it. I guess it's time to see if this drink works.

I felt a huge surge of adrenaline hit, making my heart rate spike. I looked down at my shuddering body. There's no way I'd be able to hold something shaking this much. What's the point of this drink?

The heavy opened fire and I waited for the bullets to impact, I'll just resurrect anyway.

But somehow every shot missed by less than a hoof. Not one hit me, even though at least half of them should, and that was when I saw the point of the drink. I was vibrating so much that it created a small magical force field that deflected any projectiles. The humans probably didn't even realize it. Once again, they are full of surprises.

Using my new-found bullet-blocking power, I dodged around the heavy, keeping him occupied for-

“THANKS FOR STANDIN' STILL, WANKER!”

The heavy dropped, a laser catching him directly in the temple. Random chunks of his head splattered across the ground.

My body stopped shaking and I looked up in the direction of the shot. Sure enough, Edward stood there, waving at me. He grinned and said “We make good team.”

I smiled back. “Thank you.”

“Now, do you want to try out some of the other classes? I got a ton of spare-” Once again, Edward was cut off by a laser blowing his brains out.

Edward teleported to my side an instant later, back in his usual blue-haired form. He did not look happy.

“I swear, if this happens one more time, I'll-” Another crack and Edward's corpse went flying once more.

The dream started to shake, parts of it unraveling and showing the white empty space beneath. The blue spawn area collapsed entirely, sucking in and destroying other small objects. At the center of the tempest Edward floated, sparks of purple and blue electricity arcing through his body. His eyes had become pools of light. He opened his mouth, expelling more light and destroying more of the surrounding area.

“FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-”

17: BONUS 1: Storytime with Luna.

Honor the Dead
by BinaryTroll
Pre-read by nobody.avi
Chapter 17, Bonus 1: “Storytime with Luna.”

The dream collapsed completely, becoming a white abyss once more. Edward fell into a sitting position and the room with the desk started form around us. Unlike before though, it didn't create a full room. It cut off into the whiteness just a few meters away from where Edward was sitting.

I trotted over to the human slumped in the chair. I laughed quietly. “Well, yet another thing to add to my list of things I thought could never happen.”

Edward had somehow managed to knock himself out. In a dream. Where you might as well already be knocked out.

I decided to leave the dream, I spent enough time here already. But then I noticed something rather curious. One of the little pictures on the background was labeled 'musings and writings'.

I glanced at the unconscious human. “Maybe this will give some insight into the workings of your mind.”

I pressed a hoof to the picture. Nothing happened. I tried again. Still nothing.

“Infernal machine. Why will you not work?” I slammed a hoof into the tabletop. “WHY DO YOU HAVE TO MAKE EVERYTHING SO DIFFICULT HUMAN?”

No response. I sighed. “I'm missing something.” My eyes darted pack and forth across the background, looking for anything that seemed out of place.

There. One of the arrows Edward had used floated near the center of the glowing rectangle. I reached out with my magic to grab it but it resisted. After a few more attempts I gave up. There must be something else.

I looked down and noticed a black block with lots of smaller buttons glued to it. Each button was labeled with a letter or a symbol. Some had two, and a couple even had entire words. It looked very similar to a typewriter's keyboard, but the were a few extra buttons. I tried pressing a few but it didn't change anything.

The keyboard gave me an idea. Maybe there was another device that humans used to control the screen. And there it was, sitting beside the keyboard. A blue symbol glowed on the back of it and a cord ran from it into another black box behind the screen. I grabbed it with my magic and moved it along the desk. The white arrow followed it's movements on the glowing rectangle.

I moved the arrow over the folder called 'musings and writings' and pressed one of the buttons on the controlling device. It made a clicking sound and a blue box formed around the picture. I pressed the button again and another box came up, this one large, white and filled writing and more pictures. I scanned through the names of all the pictures: OC's and names, screenshots, random roleplay thing, Rift builds, WOW builds, stuff to do if I go to Equestria

I smiled at the name of the last one. “This should be interesting.”

I pressed the button twice and another box appeared, this one filled completely with writing and taking up the entire rectangle. I started to read.

Stuff to do if I ever end up in Equestria somehow.

1. Go to Canterlot.
2. Make my grand entrance. Preferably with as much fire and brimstone as possible.
3. Calm down the resulting panic.
4. Talk to the princesses. Luna first. Definitely Luna.
5. Learn magic.
6. Learn dark magic.
7. Go to Ponyville.
8. Meet the Mane Six
9. PARTY!
10. Get twilight to cast the spell that allows me to walk on clouds.
11. Go to Cloudsdale.
12. Find out whether that rainbow factory myth is true. If so, assault the rainbow factory.
13. Learn how to read equestrian.
14. READ!
15. Scare some ponies by killing and eating a manticore/cockatrice/whatever other mythical beastie looks good to eat.
16. Teach about bullying in the school for a day.
17. Run around to random other locations across Equestria
18. Find the necronomicon.
19. Return to Canterlot
20. Pull pranks with Luna and/or Celestia
21. Shove a bowie knife through Blueblood's face.
22. Resurrect Blueblood with necronomicon.
23. Tear out Blueblood's ribs and stab them through his heart.
24. Resurrect Blueblood.
25. Sparta kick Blueblood off the balcony whilst he or one of the princesses is making a speech.
26. Laugh.
27. Resurrect Blueblood.
28. Throw fireballs at Blueblood.
29. Resurrect Blueblood.
30. Tear out Blueblood's eyes and force feed him them.
31. Resurrect Blueblood.
32. Get sick of torturing Blueblood.
33. Climb to the highest point in Canterlot.
34. Jump off.
35. Hope somepony catches me.
36. Teach Luna how to use a computer.
37. Play random songs as loud as possible when walking through Canterlot.
38. Point and laugh at random ponies for no reason.
39. Parkour through Canterlot.
40. Get recruited into the guard.
41. Get kicked out of the guard for not following orders.
42. Blow something up.
43. Rebuild the thing I blew up.
44. Resurrect anypony who died because of the thing I blew up.
45. Go back to Ponyville.
46. Play smile smile smile in front of Pinkie.
47. Annoy Angel.
48. Force Flutters to go to a club. Preferably with the rest of the Mane Six.
49. Introduce Pinkie to Caffeine.
50. Run.
51. Watch from a safe distance.
52. Help repair Ponyville.
53. Fuck off back to Canterlot.
54. Get a job.
55. Lose said job.
56. Get a better job.
57. Lose the better job.
58. Go to the griffin empire.
59. Torch the meat.
60. Laugh.
61. Run.
62. Come back later and eat some bacon.
63. Walk into the throne room.
64. When questioned, answer in German.
65. Get taken to the dungeons.
66. Break out of the dungeons.
67. Go back into the throne room and swear at the king.
68. Kill the guards that try to take me to the dungeons.
69. Resurrect the aforementioned guards.
70. Laugh.
71. Ditch as the entire griffin military hunts me down.
72. Hide out in the mountains.
73. Talk to dragons.
74. Try to teach them Shouts.
75. Run from the ensuring chaos.
76. Return to Canterlot. Again.
77. Slap Blueblood to death.
78. Resurrect Blueblood.
79. Raid the kitchens at night.
80. Run from the crazy chef.
81. Star gaze.
82. Ruin the day court by kicking the door down and asking if anyone wants cake.
83. Find a changeling.
84. Bring said changeling out in front of the entirety of Canterlot.
85. Kill racist bitches who don't understand how a creature can feed off love.
86. Resurrect racist bitches.
87. Become friends with changeling.
88. Get yelled at for causing so much chaos.
89. Run.
90. Ruin the Grand Galloping Gala by starting a food fight.
91. Sing 'can't touch this' really loudly whilst dodging food.
92. Try a dandelion sandwich that was thrown at me.
93. Try hay fries that were thrown at me.
94. Play Dubstep really loudly as food fight continues.
95. Matrix dodge something.
96. Get bored of food fight.
97. Shoot some noble.
98. Get yelled at by Tia for shooting her subjects.
99. Resurrect the noble.
100. Run.
101. Wonder why this list is glitching.
102. Stop caring.
103. Run to Luna for safety.
104. Explain.
105. Run from the sisters as fast as possible.
106. Hide.
107. Stand in the doorway of the castle yelling “YOU SHALL NOT PASS!” to anypony who tries to enter.
108. If anypony politely asks to go into the castle, say “One does not simply walk into Mordor.”
109. Forget that alicorns have wings.
110. Run from the sisters. Again.
111. Go into a random tavern and play the beer song.
112. Dress up in a ninja suit and sneak around in broad daylight.
113. Put money into ponies pockets.
114. Headshot Blueblood with a sniper rifle.
115. Celebratory teabag.
116. Resurrect Blueblood.
117. Throw bananas at Celestia.
118. Publicly assassinate some important guy. Preferably Blueblood.
119. Laugh.
120. Resurrect the guy I killed.
121. Hide out in Ponyville.
122. Do another anti-bullying thing at the school.
123. Sing winter wrap up in the middle of summer.
124. When asked about it, reply with “this is what winter feels like in Australia.”
125. Laugh when asked where Australia is.
126. Announce that Equestria has been plunged into eternal night in the middle of the day.
127. Get Luna to actually plunge Equestria into eternal night.
128. Announce it again.
129. Run from Celestia. Again.
130. Get changeling friend to change into Sombra and fuck around in the crystal empire.
131. Create a world war.
132. End the world war with a bloodrage.
133. Resurrect the people who died in the world war.
134. Go to the griffin empire and ask to see Julius Caesar.
135. Got up to a lemonade stand and ask if they sell grapes.
136. FIRE MA LAZOR using magic.
137. Reenact a scene from Dragonball on my own.
138. Talk with a horrible British accent.
139. Turn invisible and whisper into ponies' ears.
140. Sit upside-down on the throne.
141. Learn how to visit ponies' dreams.
142. Troll some ponies' dreams.
143. Do the shuffle in somepony's nightmare and completely ruin the mood.
144. Kill Blueblood in his dreams.
145. DUBSTEP!
146. Set ponies' dreams on fire.
147. Kill some nightmares.
148. Run around, Zoidberg style.
149. WOOP WOOPWOOPWOOPWOOPWOOPWOOP.
150. Write a list of things to do if I get back home.

“What. The buck. Did I just read?”

Author's Note

This is how bonus chapters will work. Much shorter, and much more random. Oh, and I can write them faster. Oh, and spot the references.

18: Flames...

Honor the Dead
by BinaryTroll
Pre-read by the opposite of somebody
Chapter 18: “Flames.”

I groaned and opened my eyes. My head was lying on something wooden. Mahogany. My desk.

I became aware of another presence, someone breathing lightly. Not Joel, it didn't sound right. I lifted my head a little and looked around. A midnight blue pony sat on the edge of my bed, staring at the computer screen. A dark blue glow surrounded the keyboard and mouse.

“Hello Luna.” I muttered sleepily, sitting up and stretching.

“Oh, you're awake.”

“Well, I think I'm still dreaming since you're here. But yeah, I'm awake in my dream.”

“I thank you for showing me the game, but I should be off. I have work to do.”

I stood up and rolled my shoulders. “Alright, bye. Good luck with the war. I wish I could be there to help.”

“Goodbye Edward.” Luna said, fading away.

I casually saluted to the space she had occupied. “Cya.”

I sat down at the computer and stared at the screen for a second before my mind registered what I was looking at. A list, my list, of things to do in Equestria sat on the screen. I closed it and shut the computer down.

“Nothing left to do now but wait for me to wake up I guess.” I said to myself.

My bedroom dissolved into blackness.

I felt my actual body waking up, feeling returning to my limbs and my conscious mind beginning to function again. I opened my my eyes as tiny slits.

“Wha- ARGH!” Pain lanced through my temples, my own scream increasing it.

“Shut up Wards.” Joel groaned quietly, his head in his hands.

I dug around in my pockets and found the small packet of panadol I had gotten from Dan earlier. I popped two pills into my hand and shoved them down my throat.

I blinked a few times and opened my eyes wider. The cave was dimly lit, the only light coming from the entrance. Thank god. Joel was sitting hunched over on the couch, his hair streaked with bits of dirt and other things of questionable origin. Shyvanna sitting hunched over at the very back of the cave, still asleep. I was sitting with my back against the stone wall, near the kitchen.

I felt worse than they looked, my mouth dry like a desert, my head pounding to the beat of my heart. I felt as weak as a kitten, like I had lost the will to move. Or is that will to live? Doesn't matter, I just felt really fucking sick.

I braced myself on the wall and clawed my way into a standing position. The room seem to be moving, swaying back and forth like I was standing on the deck of a ship. I took a step forward and the room started to spin, despite me basically standing still. I tried to take another but ended up falling flat on my face.

“Ow.” I groaned through a mouthful of dirt.

I crawled towards the bucket of water we had left on the bench and pulled myself up. I drank directly from the bucket; ain't nobody got time for cups.

My mouth still felt dry, but I felt less thirsty at least. Hmm, what else?

“I need to piss.” I muttered, slowly making my way towards the entrance, using the cave wall for support. I staggered outside, placing a forearm over my eyes. The sun was setting. I sighed. Well, there goes another day. So far my life in Equestria has not been as fun as I thought it would. I unzipped my fly. Well, The grass is always greener I guess.

Ten minutes later

“I hate my life.” I muttered as I ran out of the cave, slinging the Famas over my back and shoving various scraps of metal, dragon scales and whatever else was in the nearby area when the mountain decided that it was bored and decide to become a volcano, into my pockets. I vaulted over Zippo's corpse, wondering why I hadn't gotten rid of it. My mind quickly switched back to the more important questions in life, such as why I ended up staying in a cave that was part of a volcano. Twice. And why I was asking these stupid questions instead of just running like hell.

So I ran from the explosions, my mind jumping all over the place. Just another day in the life of Edward. I think I'm starting to question my choice of career. I always wanted to be a game designer. Yeah, well I've always wanted to grow wings too. I skidded to a halt, peering over the edge of the 10 meter drop to the ground. I got a feeling of massive deja vu, like I'd seen this many times before. No wonder I wish I could grow wings.

I swung myself down so I was hanging by my fingertips and looked down to the ground.

“Well, it was nice knowing you intact legs.” I muttered, releasing my grip and pushing off so I faced away from the cliff.

I hit the ground and instantly pushed myself forward into a roll, dispersing the majority of the force. Unfortunately for me, majority isn't all.

“Fucksticks.” I muttered, feeling slight twinges of dulled pain run along my back. “I'm gonna feel that in the- well I won't. But...”

A large, flaming rock flying past my head reminded my why I had jumped off a cliff in the first place. I sprinted off again.

“Run run run. All I ever do is run.” I sighed. “And stab people. And play computer games. And drink coffee. You know, looking back I-” A flaming bolder the size of a car crashed to the ground in front of me, trailing bits of melted stone and smoke. “...am really starting to hate Equestria.”

I kicked off with my right leg, propelling myself left and forward without losing momentum or speed turning. I thanked my decision to get fireproof clothing once again as I was pelted by small flaming pebbles that rained down around the area. I swear, this coat has saved my life far too many times. I'm surprised at the sheer amount of fire I face in my job.

I glanced back over my shoulder to the volcano. Lava was oozing down the sides, glowing orange and generally looking extremely deadly. It appeared that the initial downpour of boulders and rocks had halted, giving way to just a huge plume of smoke. Fuck. I hope Joel's okay. Shyv should be fine, but still, big rocks can kill just as well as fire.

Meanwhile

I watched as small bubbles leaked out of the corners of my mouth, my breath slowly draining away. I flapped my wings under the water, propelling me upwards. My head broke the surface and I gasped, drawing air back into my lungs. I searched for Joel, scanning the ripples that flowed across the surface of the small lake. This wasn't supposed to happen. Mt Ignis shouldn't have erupted for another year.

The volcano rumbled and more molten death pored out of the top. Fortunately the flow was slowing, only a very small amount appeared this time. I decided to ignore it, it was cool enough that my skin could resist it and Joel could be dying.

“Joel!” I called across the water, cupping my hooves around my mouth.

I felt a light tap on my wing. “Behind you.”

I spun 180 and was faced with the smiling face of Joel.

“Sup?”

“Apparently a lot of ash.” I replied with a tinge of annoyance.

Joel looked up at the ash cloud that was blocking out the sky. “I can't believe we ended up staying in an active volcano twice this week.” He said, still grinning.

“And I can't believe you're grinning after you almost died.”

“Wouldn't be the first time.” He said, his smile dropping a little.

“And what about Edward?”

Joel's smile dropped. He sighed and said, “Lets just get out of here.”

I swam to the edge of the small lake and clambered up onto the rock. Joel did the same. I flapped my wings to get rid of the water on them and then extended them out to dry. I waited for about a minute in this position before folding my wings back against my sides and turning to Joel.

“What now?” I asked.

“Now? We run.”

Joel cracked his knuckles and took off, accelerating to an impossible speed. I rolled my wings in their sockets and started to run. After reaching a gallop I spread my wings and flew after the rapidly receding figure of Joel.

Small specks of ash flew past my face, a few leaving black streaks across my cheeks and wings. Wind blew through my hair, lifting it off my forehead and making it blow out in a crimson stream behind me. I closed my eyes for a second and just let my other senses come to the fore. The smell of ash, molten rock and sulfur filler the air, along with a fresher scent of forest. I could hear the sounds of lava bubbling, the wind whistling and Edward yelling at Joel about something.

I opened my eyes and smiled. I could see the coated figure of Edward shouting, gesturing wildly at the mountain behind him. Joel stood nearby, laughing.

I folded my wings and dove towards them.

Edward POV

“Why did you get a nice, cool lake to hide in?” I asked, pulling off my coat and rolling it up over my arm. Sweat was dripping off me like a waterfall.

“Because I ended up sopping wet. That's why.”

“Oh boo-hoo. At least you weren't burnt to a crisp.”

Joel grinned. “Neither were you Wards. I think I would have noticed if you were a pile of ash.”

“Shut up.”

“Oh Wards...” Joel said, his grin growing wider.

I looked up to the sky, wondering how I manage to keep getting myself into these sorts of things, and I noticed something small and gray diving towards us. “Uh, is that?”

Shyvanna flared her wings, slowing her descent before coming to a complete stop a couple of meters above the ground. She set herself down onto the ground silently and folded her wings.

“Hi.” She said, the reflection of the sun making her look like she was on fire.

I blinked and shook my head. “So... Now what?”

“I feel as though I'm hearing that a lot.” Joel said.

“Eh?”

“Doesn't matter.”

I blinked again. “Okay. So once again, now what?”

“I don't really know much about Equestria, so you decide.” Joel replied.

“I gathered that. I'm asking Shyv.”

Shyv shrugged. “I don't know what to do. I've only been outside these mountains twice before.”

I dragged my fingers down my face. “Oh for fuck's sake.” I pressed the button of my radio in. “Dan, some form of transport right now would be great.”

The radio crackled. “Oh, hi Wards. I'm a bit busy right now.”

“What do you mean busy?”

“I mean I'm getting shot at by- Oh come on! Homing missiles?”

“Dan?” I asked, concern creeping into my voice.

“Yeah, apparently the US military has decided to crack down on smuggling and- oh that's just not fair.”

“What?”

“Yeah, I'll call you ba- FUCK!” The radio went to static.

I turned to Shyvanna and Joel. “Apparently Dan can't help us right now either. Lets find food, shelter and water. We lost basically everything when the volcano erupted.”

“Sounds good to me. But which way?”

I closed my eyes and spun around. “That way!” I said, pointing in the direction I had ended up facing.

“Wards...”

“Yeah?”

“That's where we just were.”

“Oh.”

Author's Note

Not my best work. But if you wanted my best work you'd be waiting for a chapter for the rest of the year.

19: Flashbacks... Flashbacks everywhere.

Honor the Dead
by BinaryTroll
Pre-read by the opposite of somebody
Chapter 19: “Flashbacks... Flashbacks everywhere.”

I sighed and rolled my shoulders. “Well, I'm bored.”

We'd been walking throughout the morning, and I had kept myself entertained by observing nature and the mountains around us. But one tires of gray stone and dirt rather quickly. So when we took a rest, I got bored.

“Tell a story.” Shyvanna suggested, yawning.

“Like what?” I asked.

She shrugged. “Whatever you want.”

I looked over to Joel. “Any ideas?”

“Why don't you tell us your life story?” He joked.

“Well, I was born in Brisbane, Queensland, Australia.”

Shyv groaned. “Or alternatively, you could start talking gibberish. That works too.”

“You want me to tell a story. You don't want me to tell a story. Make up your mind.” I sighed. “So what kind of story do you want?”

“Well, my mother used to tell me about her past, and all the things she had done in the world outside the mountains. She's how I know of the princesses.”

I smiled slightly. “Not sure if my life is one I want to talk about. But there are probably a few bits that would make a good story.”

“Like what?”

I sighed. “Probably all the painful bits.”

Shyv grinned. “So tell me.”

“How about you Joel? You must have something interesting to say.” I said, trying to avoid having to tell my story.

Joel snorted. “You got yourself into this mess. You get yourself out of it.”

“I hate you.”

“I know.”

I looked over to Shyvanna, leaned back on a nearby rock and rubbed my hand over my face. “I've seen some things. A lot of things that I wish I hadn't. But I don't want to talk about them, I got sick of dwelling on this sort of shit years ago.” I sighed. “There's not much I remember that isn't a brutal killing. Or want to remember. So I'm going to ask, are you sure you want to hear this?”

Shyvanna's face was set. “I'm sure.”

“Well then, lets begin.”

And so the story begins

I sat at my computer, an absolute beast of a machine, cannibalized from military computers as well as top of the range PCs. It's also haunted. Little notepad documents pop up from time to time, filled with random incomprehensible guff that somehow manages to include 'the game' in it somewhere.

Anyway, I clicked along the tabs in my browser, trying to remember what I was supposed to be doing. After some more random clicking I pulled up my email, private and almost completely untraceable. I scrolled down the list of jobs I had done recently and spotted an unopened email.

I opened it up and read through the instructions. Half a million for an assassination? I re-read the email. Yes, half a million US dollars to stab some prick in the face.

“There's gotta be a catch.” I muttered.

That was when I noticed: 'Pay on completion'. Oh good, it was going to be one of these ones.

I quickly typed back an email, asking about any other conditions of the operation.

I got a reply back in less than 10 minutes.

'I do not care if you destroy the entire city, all I want is Cameron dead. I will meet you at a predetermined location upon the completion of your task. Do not fail.'

I sighed. These were the kind of clients I hated, all business and empty threats. It's like they believed they are so much better than you. But unfortunately they made up the bulk of my missions, so not much I can do on that.

I groaned and typed back a short reply of confirmation, asking about the predetermined location and preferred date of assassination.

The next reply came back just as quickly as the first.

'Tonight, I will meet you at the Statue of Liberty. I'm a busy man, so get to work.'

“Oh for fuck's sake. That's ages away.” I muttered. “Well, I'd better get going.”

I closed the window, logged off and turned off the screen.

“Joel?” I called, standing up and rolling my chair under my desk.

“Yeah?” He called back from the room across.

“We got a job. Assassination, from some posh sounding guy. Also a bit of a dick.”
“Fun.” He said, stepping outside, already dressed.

I raised an eyebrow. “All ready to go aren't you?”

“Actually no, I was going to sleep.”

“You sleep with a facewrap on?”

“I like to try things differently.”

I facepalmed. “Whatever. Go get your stuff. We need to be over at the university in a few minutes.”

I closed the door and slipped on my Organisation XIII coat. A work of art it was, well, is. Fireproof, water resistant, strong enough to deflect low power bullets, but light and flexible enough to run in. Six different pockets and four different sheaths, all made in such a way that it's contents wouldn't fall out when jumping, falling or rolling. To top it all off, it looks fucking badass too. Well worth the money. In fact, I'm surprised it didn't cost more.

Next I rifled through the random detritus that littered my room to find any and all my knives. Luna and Celestia 2.0, now made of a lighter titanium alloy, the smaller combat knife I had looted from the corpse of another assassin, and a pair of knuckleduster-switchblade type things, also black of course. I sheathed the combat knife under my left armpit, the sisters on my hips and stuck the two knuckleduster things in my pockets. I lifted up one of the books on my bedside table and found my Smith & Wesson .500 magnum revolver, with 15 bullets hanging around nearby. I thought, “why the fuck not?” and stuck it into my pocket too, along with an extra 10 rounds.

I stepped outside just as Joel was slinging a rifle longer than he was tall across his back.

“Dude, that thing weighs like 30 kilos. How the fuck are you going to carry it?” I asked, gesturing at the rifle. “You probably can't even walk around with it, let alone run.”

He took a step and then sighed and dropped the rifle.

“I love to say I told you so. And besides, that's an anti-tank rifle. Why the fuck would you need it anyway?”

“Cause why the hell not?”

“Because it weighs thirty fucking kilos. That's why.”

“No it doesn't.”

“Yeah, it does.”

“No, it doesn't.”

“Yeah, it does.”

“No, it doesn't.”

“Shut the hell up. Just pick up something lighter and we can get going.”

I spun around and headed for the door.

A loud crunch sounded behind me. I turned around and was greeted with the sight of Joel trying to carry an RPG-7 down the hall without knocking anything over.

“Oh for the fucks of sake.” I muttered. “Why the hell are you carrying that?”

“Because it's only about as heavy as the AWP.”

“Yeah, but unlike the AWP, IT HAS A FUCKING MASSIVE EXPLOSIVE FOR AMMO!”

Joel, as usual, was unfazed. “Your point?”

I threw my hands up into the air. “Fuck it! Go lug a massive explosive around for what is basically a stab and run. Don't let me change your mind!” If there was a table nearby I would have flipped it.

“Well Wardo, you are carting a revolver around that's as long as my forearm, so you aren't really one to talk.” Joel replied, finally managing to sling the RPG properly across his back.

“Lets go, we've wasted enough time as it is.”

I stepped outside into the cool afternoon air and took a deep breath. The scent of pollen emanated from the single moonflower I kept in a pot outside, mixing with the smells of exhaust and smoke. I looked down off the edge of the balcony and vaulted over. I landed onto the small lawn outside and turned to the parking lot.

A soft thump came from behind me as Joel landed, much more quietly than I did. I started to walk over to the parking lot, pulling my hood up as I did so.

I reached our car, unremarkable except for the tinted windows. “You want to drive?” I asked Joel.

“Nah man.” He tossed me the keys. “I don't really feel like it today.”

I caught them with my left hand and unlocked the car. “Alright.”

The drive was uneventful, boring even. Just the usual routine drive. It's never eventful really, it's always getting away that's the interesting part.

I slammed the car door and strode towards the university. There were only two cars in the parking are besides our own, I noticed. Presumably our target was working late.

Joel left the RPG in the car, probably a good choice. We made our way over to the MakerBot 3D printing area. I opened the door to the inside and noticed the only only person in the area, a young man around my age. He look strangely familiar, and not just from the photo. He looked familiar in that too, but something about the way he stood reminded me of someone.

“Cameron?” I asked the figure.

“Yes?” He answered, not looking up from his work.

The voice sounded familiar too. I pulled out the magnum and aimed it at his head. “I'm here to kill you.” I said, curious as to how he would react.

He looked up, straight down the muzzle. “Oh good, could you come back later? I'm a bit busy.”

“Cameron?” I threw back my hood. “What the hell are you doing in America?”

“Hello Joel. Hello Wards.”

I frowned. “You do realize I have a gun pointed at your head right? And I can blow your brains out anytime, say, when you use a nickname I hate.”

“Yes, go grab yourself a coffee. The machine's over there” He replied calmly, pointing over my shoulder.

I lowered the gun. “What the actual fuck...”

“Well, why not?” Joel said. “I could use a coffee.”

I pocketed the revolver and rubbed a hand over my face. I suddenly felt tired. “Yeah, same.”

Joel and I slowly sipped coffee as Cam typed away, occasionally looking down at the copious amounts of paper that littered his desk.

After Joel finished his coffee, he stood up and walked over to Cam's desk.

“So, watcha doing Cam?” He asked.

“I currently doing a bit of research into 3D printers, and making lethal weaponry with them, specifically guns.” He replied, sitting back in his chair and stretching.

I raised an eyebrow. “You do weapons research?”

“Yeah. I made a gas-powered ballistic knife for a research project, and it actually works. You know, when it doesn't blow your hand off.” He gave a bit of a laugh. “And I looked into Mag cannons for a bit. In the end I just ended up fucking around with magnets for a few days, but it was fun.”

“Mind showing us the knife?” I asked.

“Sure, why not?” He said, standing up. “I'm done with this for now anyway.”

Cam took the lead and Joel walked with him, talking about small things. I hung back a little, thinking.

We reached a row of lockers and Cam pulled out a key. He opened locker 452, pulled out a sleek knife handle and tossed it to me.

“Here you go, one ballistic knife, as ordered.”

I looked down at the handle and felt the grip. “Nice grip, but no blade?”

“Can't keep weapons on campus.”

“Yeah, I assumed.” I tossed it up in the air and caught it again. It felt rather good. I tossed it to Joel.

He caught it and tested the grip as I had, and then took a few experimental swings.

“Say Cam, how would you like a job?” We asked in unison.

Author's Note

Flashbacks... God I love flashbacks.

Btw, you have no idea how much I researched the stuff in this chapter. You Americans had better appreciate me trying to get your cities right. Although knowing my luck nobody has any idea where any of these places are and I could have gotten this down about five hours earlier.

20: Vault... Um, moss?

Honor the Dead
by BinaryTroll
Pre-read by el nobodyo
Chapter 20: “Vault... Um, moss?”

“So yeah, that's why I have this knife,” I brandished the ballistic knife. “About five different working video game replica vehicles and weapons, although the former was more Dan's work, and of course some of the more crazy shit in my arsenal. Like Overkill. But that's a story for another time.”

“What's Overkill? In fact, what was half the stuff you talked about?” Shyv asked, sounding confused.

I looked at her blankly for a second.

“Wards, not from our universe, remember?”

My mind started working. “Ah, sorry. I couldn't really think of anything else though. Explaining all that stuff is nigh on impossibru if you haven't lived it.”

“Oh, sorry.”

“Don't fucking apologize!” I sighed and pinched the bridge of my nose. “Don't apologize, there was nothing you could do. Now, lets head off.”

I stood and stretched. I looked to the sky, the sun was late morning by the looks of it, or early afternoon, I wasn't sure. A rather ominous looking cloud bank was forming on the horizon, but besides that the sky was clear.

“Hey Joel, what do you make of that?” I asked, pointing to the line of gray clouds.

“It looks like a bunch of clouds.” He replied.

“I mean, what do you think of them?”

“I think they took the gray a bit overboard, could be a little whiter. But the lightning is a nice touch.”

I sighed. “Close enough.” I'd gotten what I wanted, even if it wasn't quite in the way I wanted. Joel naturally has better eyesight than me, so he could pick out the lightning and how dark the clouds were.

“I'm surprised the ash cloud isn't still hanging around.” Shyv said, looking up to the sky with us. “The eruption only happened yesterday.”

“Meh, I just wrote that off as Equestria logic.”

“You're doing that a lot lately Wards.”

“Yeah... Maybe it's because, I don't know, we're in a land where shit like manticores, cockatrices and magic exist! If I can wrap my head around that, then I can deal with an ash cloud clearing up faster than usual.”

“Alright, no need to get bitchy.”

I sighed again. “I need caffeine.”

“Call Dan.”

“Huh, I forgot about him. I wonder how he's doing?” I pressed down my headset button. “Yo Dan, you there?”

“Hey Wardo.” Came the reply. It sounded almost sad.

“You think you can get some Mountain dew or coffee here?”

Dan sighed. “Sorry man, no can do.”

“Why not?”

“Sasha's broken, hit with two missiles. It'll take months to finish the repairs.”

“Don't you have another jet?”

“Not one that can get to you, no.”

“Oh, damn. I'm sorry man.”

A hint of anger crept into Dan's voice. “Don't fucking apologize, there was nothing you could do.”

I recognized my own words. “Heh, I guess I'm a hypocrite now. Alright man, I won't bother you again.”

“Yeah, thanks. I call you when the repairs are done. Till then.”

“Yeah, bye.”

“I'm guessing that's a no to the caffeine?” Joel asked.

“Yep, jet's broken and it'll take months to get her working again.” I replied, kicking a pebble.

“Who's jet?” Shyv asked, trotting up alongside me.

“The jet, it's the vehicle Dan uses to get around.”

“Oh, you mean the big metal thing?”

“Yeah.”

We walked in silence for a few more minutes until Shyv asked “Why did you call it a she?”

“You know how a ship's captain will call his boat a she? It's basically the same thing.”

“A ship?”

“You know, like a pirate ship?”

“Oh right. I like pirates.”

I made an invisible rainbow gesture over my head. “The more you know. The more you grow.”

“I just thought of some really creepy ways that could be interpreted.”

I recoiled slightly and held up my hands. “Oh god no! Don't even go there.”

“Oh, I just thought of another one. You know that song 'from little things, big things grow'?”

“Fuck off.”

“Is it just me, or are those clouds getting close really fast?” Shyv asked.

I looked back to the sky. “Oh, shit. That's not normal.”

“Actually Wards, it is. These sorts of fronts move at extremely high speeds. In fact-”

“Shut up. Point is, we gonna get wet if we don't find some sort of cover.”

“So? We have done so before. Multiple times in fact.” Joel pointed out. “And besides, where are we going to take shelter? There are no trees for miles.”

“How about that cave?” I asked, pointing to a narrow, but still quite large crack in the mountainside.

“That's ages away though.”

“Still better than getting wet. And besides, if there's a dragon in there we might be able to get somewhere comfortable to sleep.”

“If there is, I hope he's more understanding than Zippo.” Shyv said, a grain of anger in her voice.

“If not, well, we might have a bit of fun.”

Joel laughed darkly. “Maybe, but they won't.”

Approximately 21.436278569 minutes later

“That's one big hole.” I muttered, looking up at the huge crack in the cliff.

Joel stepped up on my left. “That's what she said.”

“Don't think that's what you're looking for mate.”

“Shuddap Wards.”

I examined the crack a little more. It looked natural, but it didn't really feel like it was. I dismissed the feeling to the cartoonyness of the world and just how stupidly tall it was. The crack itself didn't seem very deep, but it looked like there was a cave inside it just above where we were standing. I pulled myself up onto the ledge and looked around. The cave was rather small and had...

“Holy shit guys! Get up here!” I called out to my friends.

An instant later Joel jumped up onto the ledge, followed by Shyv.

“Is that?”

“Yep. That's a vault.”

The giant foreboding metal door sat in the cave, it's number gone. Moss had grown all over the door, not to mention everything else. The switch to open the door looked broken, the metal eaten away in some places.

“So how do we get in?” Joel asked.

“Why would you want to?” Shyv asked.

“Because it's a vault. A fucking vault!”

“Full of treasure?” Shyv asked.

“Probably not, but it might have food. Which we need now since we can't order any express deliveries from Dan anymore.”

“I can just eat the metal.”

“Yeah, but we can't.”

“So how do we get in?”

“Well, that's the question, isn't it?”

I walked over to the console and studied it further. Bit's had been ripped out of the casing and it wasn't receiving any power. Not going to get in that way.

Next I looked at the door itself. It was heavily rusted, and any paint that it may have originally had was stripped off, leaving it bare of any decoration. Small droplets of moisture dripped down through the moss. Surprisingly, the door itself was almost unmarred, despite the erosion that should have been taking place. Whatever metal the door was made of, it was very strong.

I tapped it three times in quick succession. If felt very thick and solid. And also a bit painful to hit hard. I pulled out the brass knuckles and rapped on it with them. A series of dull clangs echoed through the cave.

“Yes, what do you want?” Asked a hidden loudspeaker.

“Holy shit!” The three of us yelled in unison.

“I repeat, why are you here?”

“Actually, the first time you said 'what do you want', no 'why are you here'.” Joel said to the door.

“Don't try my patience. Why are you here?”

I sighed. “We need water, food and somewhere to sleep.”

“How did you find this place?”

“By walking through a crack in a cliff.”

“What race are you?”

“Not anything you've ever seen.”

The loudspeaker guy sounded like he was getting a little angry.“I repeat: What race are you?”

“Me? Well, I’m human I guess.”

The loudspeaker was silent.

“I'd hate to say I told you so.”

Silence.

“I lie. I told you so.”

More silence.

“Alright, I get the message. Fuck you too.”

A distinct absence of noise.

I sighed and turned away from the door. “Alright, I guess we're sleeping on the ground tonight.”

CLANG

“MOTHER FUCKER!” I spun round.

The huge gear slowly creaked and clattered its way open, to reveal the dull, rusted interior of the vault. A single copper-colored pony with a dull gray mane stood to greet us.

“You are the human Honored Service, are you not?”

I gestured for Joel and Shyv to step forward. “Last I checked, Honored didn't travel with a half-dragon and another human, thanks.”

“You travel with a filthy half-breed?”

“You feel like dying painfully? Because asking that question suddenly makes me want to kill you horrible ways.”

“I am sorry, I just didn't realize one of your stature would travel with such an abomination.”

I sighed, pulled out a ballistic knife and lightly threw it at the pony. It cut him across the chest, not a fatal or even serious wound, but one that would hurt. “You think I was kidding about the killing you thing?”

The pony fell to the ground clutching his chest with a hoof. “You attacked me!”

“Bitch I threw a knife at you. Slowly. You could have easily dodged. And it's hardly fatal, a paper cut would be more serious than that little scratch.”

“You still attacked me!”

“And you're still wining about it, we've established this. Can we move on now?”

The pony got to his hooves. “You are very rude to considering all I've done for you.”

“Mate, you opened a door. And you were just as rude to Shyv, and by extension, me. I made a threat, I gave a warning, Insult Shyv, Joel or me again and you'll be dead. Understand?”

“Yes.” The pony replied grudgingly.

I suddenly smiled, appearing a lot less serious. “Alright, now we have all the usual greetings out of the way, what's your name?”

“I am Doctor Life.” The doctor replied, standing up a little straighter.

“Lemme guess, your first name is Half?”

“Yes it- wait, how did you know?”

I let my gaze wander around the vault before returning it to the doctor. “Lucky guess?”

The doctor looked rather suspicious. “And what is your name?”

“That's Wards.” Joel said, not giving me a chance to speak. “This is Shyvanna,” He gestured towards the half-dragon. “And I'm Joel.”

“Dammit Joel.” I muttered.

“I would say pleased to meet you but...” Half Life looked pointedly at his chest.

“Ah yes, would you mind giving me back my knife?” I asked, suddenly remembering.

The doctor threw the knife at me like a dart. I snatched it out of the air with ease, not even taking my eyes off the doctor.

Half Life shivered and I smiled a smile that didn't reach my eyes.

I replaced the knife with it's companions. “Thank you, now about that food...”

“You dare-” I dropped my hand purposely to the not quite hidden sheath where I kept Luna. “Um, yes sir.”

I smiled with a small amount of genuine amusement. “I'm not a sir, I'm a dangerous, not quite mute lunatic.”

The pony turned and started off down the hallway into the depths of the vault, muttering something that sounded like “I don't have a hard time believing that.”

Author's Note

I was thinking, every 5-10 chapters I might do a little physical and mental profile of all the characters that are currently in the party (Joel, me and Shyv), complete with meaningless stats and gear. Or not. I'll put it in the author's notes so let me know.

Edit: Here it is, for better or for worse

Name: Edward
Mental condition: Dubious but stable
Physical condition: Tired, dirty and in need of caffeine
Clothing: Organisation XIII coat (fireproof, water resistant, impact resistant), Cargo pants, Boots (mid shin length, titanium alloy toe, extremely flexible and impact resistant)
Weapons: 'Luna and Celestia' (Titanium alloy, 47 cm long Bowie knives, with D-guard and cutiemarks of the corresponding sister), G2 Famas assault rifle(2 clips), combat knife (black), ballistic knife (three knives), broken brass knuckles
Other: 7 dragon scales, scrap metal, gum

Strength: 9
Perception: 7
Endurance: 3
Charisma: 3
Intelligence: 9
Agility: 9
Luck: 8

Name: Joel
Mental condition: Stable
Physical condition: Tired, dirty and in need of caffeine
Clothing: Hoodie (large hood, facewrap), combat vest (can deflect small arms fire), t-shirt and cargo pants, sneakers (high durability)
Weapons: AWP sniper rifle ('slightly modified', 5-20x zoom scope, 2 clips), twin glock-18s (4 clips normal, 2 incendiary), combat knife
Other: Scrap metal, motorcycle blades

Strength: 8
Perception: 7
Endurance: 4
Charisma: 6
Intelligence: 8
Agility: 9
Luck: 6

Name: Shyvanna
Mental condition: Stable
Physical condition: Tired, slightly dirty
Clothing: None
Weapons: Magic, fire breath
Other: None

Strength: 5
Perception: 9
Endurance: 6
Charisma: 5
Intelligence: 8
Agility: 10 (wings)
Luck: 5

21: Changing things up.

Honor the Dead
by BinaryTroll
Pre-read by Honored Service (HE'S BACK!)
Chapter 21: “Changing things up.”

“Nice place you got here.” Joel said, looking at the rusted doors and barely working mechanisms.

I pulled on one of the handles and watched as the door creaked it's way open. A small room was inside, with a bed, a cupboard and nothing else. I looked at the bed and back to the doorway. “This seems strangely large for a pony...” I murmured to myself.

Joel poked his head round the doorway. “Wards, what are you doing?”

I snapped out of my thoughts. “Stuff and things.”

“Oh yeah, love me some stuff and things”

I got up and walked out of the room, my curiosity abandoned. “Meh, I'm just hungry.”

“Then lets get some food.”

We jogged back to Shyvanna and Half. “Yo, got any food?”

Half-Life looked at me questioningly.

“You know, the stuff you eat? What are you, a changeling?”

“How dare you accuse me of being a changeling! I am a proud earth pony.”

I stared at him silently.

“What is it human?” The pony spat.

“You're a unicorn, mate.”

“I am?”

I turned to Shyv. “Is he a unicorn?”

“Yup.” She replied, looking surprised at the unicorn's stupidity. Or at least, incapability to look in a mirror.

I turned back to Half Life. “How the hell do you not know you're a unicorn?”

“I- Umm. Follow me.” he managed to stutter out before cantering off down the corridor.

I stood still, staring after the odd pony. “What.”

“Vaults man. They do thing to you.” Joel said, tapping his temple.

“I know, but still...” I set off after Half Life.

We finally caught up with him in a large, mostly empty room. I flinched as the door clanged shut, cutting me off from my friends.

Half Life slowly turned towards me. “Well aren't you a stupid little monkey? But you're an observant one, I'll give you that.”

I snorted. “Observant? I pointed out that you were a unicorn. All that requires is eyes and a brain.”

“A minor slip up.”

“Waiiiiit. What?”

Green flames rushed from Half Life's hooves to the tip of his horn, revealing a pair of incectoid wings and a coat of black chitin. I heard a quiet chirp from above me and looked up, just as another changeling dropped onto me from the ceiling.

“Oh fucksticks.” I managed to say before my vision went black.

An unknown amount of time later

The first thing I noticed when I awoke was that I was wet. And sticky. And upside down.

I sighed. “You know, two weeks ago I would have been proud to claim I had never been knocked out in my life.” I said to no one in particular.

I opened my eyes and looked up towards my body. I was coated in green goop that had hardened to rock. It was translucent, and I noticed that I didn't have any weapons with me at all. In fact, I was naked. Again.

“Fucking hell.” I muttered. “Two weeks ago I probably also would be able to proudly say I had never been naked in another person's home before too.” I let my head drop to stare down at the rusty metal floor.

“Why did I have to be captured by changelings? I like changelings.” I sighed again. “And they didn't even have the decency to let me keep my goddamn clothes.”

I raised my head again and looked around the room. It was covered in more of the changeling gunk, and only had a single exit. My pants were encased in one of the larger clumps, but the rest of my clothes were nowhere to be seen.

“Well, if I manage to get out of this thing, at least I won't have to do it entirely naked.” I muttered, wriggling inside of my giant cocoon.

I could only move a small amount, and very slowly. I felt like I was inside an egg. Filled with treacle. I groaned. “Fuck this.”

I relaxed completely, defeated. “You just had to give me a prison I couldn't escape, didn't you?”

In another cell

“I starting to get used to getting knocked out. That's probably not a good thing.” I opened my eyes. I was completely encased in a green glass cocoon thing, with only my head left free. My clothes were soaked with the disgusting goop that filled the cocoon. I searched for my weapons but didn't find them. Not that they'd work in this goo anyway. At least I still had my clothes, even if they probably are going to end up a goo soaked mess.

I slowly spun myself in the cocoon, taking in the full splendor of the room. It looked like a typical vault bedroom, except for the gunk that coated the walls, giving it the feeling of a cave. “Dammit Wards.” I muttered, not really knowing why. It just felt right.

Another nearby cell

Being upside down is a weird feeling. I thought, looking up at my gelatinous cell. My wings had been awkwardly smushed against my sides, making them cramp. “Ouch.” I muttered, slowly extending them through the goop. I tried to blast my way out using magic, but the flow seemed to blocked for some reason. I tried again with the same result.

“Celestia damn it.” I ran through my other options. Busting out of here was out of the question, the goop made sure of that. My magic doesn't work, so I can't use that either. The only shout I learned was Ice, and that probably wasn't going to be very helpful, especially if I freeze myself. I could probably kill myself doing that

I could try to melt the cocoon, but that might just harden it further, not a risk I was willing to take. I wasn't strong enough to break out, and even if I was, the goop restricted movement, not allowing me to build up enough speed to strike hard enough anyway.

I sighed. Not much I can do but just hang around.

Outside Joel's cell

My name is Viridi Apis. And I am an idiot.

I slowly buzzed my wings, emitting a series of vibrations to express my annoyance. I had helped Stulte capture the two humans and half dragon, knocking out the green haired one. Apparently that means I had to take responsibility for him. I found myself wishing that Queen Crysalis was still alive, everything had been much simpler then.

I sighed and stood up, pacing and buzzing my wings again. It had been hours and I hadn't heard anything from the human locked behind the door. I picked up one of the two L-shaped weapons from the small pile of possessions that the human had had on him. It was a marvel, just like everything the humans made. As I studied its simple design I found myself wishing I could be a human. A real one, not an imitation. They could innovate, something changelings could never do. We're all just copycats, taking from others but never improving or improvising.

I dropped the weapon like it was on fire. I need to stop this, I cannot go against the will of the hive.

But a small voice in the back of my mind asked what kind of hive doesn't have a queen? Is this even a hive anymore? I tried to ignore it but it persisted.

“I need to do something.” I said aloud, and opened the door to the human's cell.

I looked up at the now conscious human. His hair was a leafy green, so different to the neon green of changeling web, yet, so similar. He was lean, thinner than Honored and looked almost cute in a way.

“Yo. Can you let me out of this thing? It's getting kinda hot. And my clothes are getting ruined.”

I was taken aback at how straightforward he was. “Um, no.”

“Damn, I thought that would work for sure.” He grinned. “So, who are you? Besides obviously my captor.”

I debated telling him my name. In the end I decided there was no harm in doing so. “My name is Viridi Apis.”

“Nice to meet you. Also, interesting to meet you. I've never had a conversation with someone upside down before.”

“Do you have a name?” I asked, curious at the human's mannerisms.

“Joel. Now can you let me down?”

I blinked.

“Fine, I'll just boil myself in here.”

“It's not that hot.” I replied defensively.

“Have you ever considered that I have a different anatomy to you? And may have grown up in different conditions?” The human countered.

“No actually.”

“Well let me down then.”

“No.”

“Please?”

“No!”

“Pretty please?”

I walked out of the room and kicked the door closing mechanism, shutting off the human's voice. “What a mess.” I muttered, slumping back against the door again.

I continued to wait, wishing I hadn't opened the door. I heard a small cough from the human through the door. I ignored it.

It came again, slightly louder. I put my ear against the door. The human was gasping for breath, as though he was...

“Oh shit.” I opened the door to see the human slowly writhing in the cocoon, apparently burning. Without thinking, I jabbed my horn into the cocoon and opened it, spilling the liquid webbing onto the floor, along with a sickly looking Joel.

The human struggled raised his hand and pointed to the adjacent room. “Get Wards...” He said weakly, before collapsing into the puddle of liquid web.

I rushed out the door, hurrying to find the cell the second human was held in. I found the door and slammed a hoof into the unlocking mechanism, opening the door. The human inside looked fine, if rather bored. He also didn't have any clothes.

“Oh hi, you mind getting me my pants? This is kind of embarrassing.”

“You're not dying?” I asked.

“No. Why would I be-”

I realized I had left the door on Joel's cell wide open. “Shit.”

I felt something cold press into the back of my head. “Don't. Move.”

“Hey, where did you find your clothes?” The hanging human asked.

“What?” I felt Joel look up. “Oh god dammit Wards.”

“Yeah yeah, can you get me out of this thing?”

I felt the cold metal press a little harder into my skull. “Open it.”

I walked forward and cut the cocoon open, watching the human spill out onto the floor. He picked himself up and ran over to where his pants were, tugging them out and putting them on.

“Fuck me, everyone just wants to take my clothes in Equestria.” He muttered, checking the pockets. He laughed a little. “I can't blame them, my clothes are amazing.”

“Shut up Wards.” Joel said, laughing with him.

I shifted uncomfortably, the metal was starting to dig in a little too much. “Can you stop please?” I asked quietly, not really thinking I would get an answer.

To my surprise, the metal lifted from the back of my head. “Yeah, alright. It's not even loaded anyway.”

I turned to the green haired human. He was holding the large, dull green weapon, resting it against his shoulder. I didn't know what to say. Thanks?

“So who's this?” The blue haired human asked.

“Viridi Apis.”

The human looked around the room, presumably searching for the rest of his possessions. “That sounds a bit like Latin.” He mused, giving up his search and heading to the door. He stopped just before and turned to me.“Alright Vi, where is all my stuff?”

“Vi?” I asked, confused at the name.

“Viridi takes too long.”

I found myself surprised again at the human's thinking. Viridi wasn't that long, was it? “Stulte took most of it, I think.”

“Stulte is Half Life I'm guessing?”

“Yes.”

The human clenched one of his claws in the other, emitting a loud crack. “I'm going to fucking kill him.”

23: Fallout 2305272.9

Honor the Dead
by BinaryTroll
Pre-read by Honored Service
Chapter 23: “Fallout 2305272.9.”

I suddenly remembered Shyvanna, forgetting the picture scratched into the doorway. “Hey Vi, we came here with another pony, a half dragon. Where is she?”

“Shyvanna is in the cell three doors down.” Vi replied, her emotions unreadable.

“Right then.” I set off down the hall.

I found the door and reached out to pull the handle. I touched it and then pulled back instantly.

“Are your doors supposed to be burning hot?” I asked Vi, sucking my fingers.

“No...”

BOOM

The door crumpled and melted, releasing a wave of heat. The room inside was filled with smoke and fire. In the middle was a blue-grey half dragon with (literally) flaming red hair. Shyvanna's eyes glowed.

After a few seconds the flames died down and Shyv returned to her normal self.

“What the fuck?” I asked, brushing small ashes off my face, arms and chest.

“I got bored.” Shyv replied, seeming to suck in the flames around her.

Vi's jaw was on the floor. “How did you-?”

“I set myself on fire.” She stepped out of the room and blew a little ring of smoke. “So who are you?”

“My name is Viridi Apis.”

We were all silent for a few seconds.

I decided to be the one to break the silence. “Guys, I'm still standing half naked here. With no shoes. On a hot floor.”

“Suck it up Wards.”

I started walking. “Fuck you. I don't feel like it. What I do feel like is some food though. Is there any food here?”

Vi thought for a moment. “I think there is, but it's near the center of the hive.”

“Oh good, I might meet Half Life on the way. Maybe I can kill two birds with one stone.”

“You want to take on the entire hive, bare handed? Are you insane? ”

“The answer to both of your questions is yes.” I replied. “And besides, I have fire breathing half dragon and a man who can hit a fly with a bullet from half a kilometer away. I think I'll be fine.”
“Still...”

“Trust me, I've killed thousands of armed men bare handed. I think I can handle a few changelings.” I didn't add that I had killed them all within an hour of each other. Or that I was fifteen at the time.

I could tell she didn't believe me. Hell, I wouldn't have believed me if I hadn't lived it. “Alright, if we keep following this corridor then we should get there.”

“That's strangely convenient.” Joel commented.

“You don't trust me?”

“Would you trust someone who stuck you in a cocoon?”

“Well, yes. I often sleep in a cocoon like that. And before Honored Service killed my mother, she would place me in it.”
“Honored killed your mother?” I asked, turning left.

“Yes, she died in my hooves. She saved me, even in death. I hid under her and lay still while the human checked the corpses of my friends and family.”

“And you have no grudge against humans?” I asked, saddened by her tale.

“No.” She sighed dejectedly. “He was just doing what he had to do, I would have done the same. I don't hold a grudge against him, I don't hold a grudge against you for being human either.”

“Damn, if actual ponies were like you, well... maybe changelings could live in harmony with other ponies. But politics isn't my thing. If it was me trying to sort out this shit, I'd probably end up killing a bunch of people.” I laughed humorlessly. “I wish I could solve it, and maybe I will. But I still haven't managed to find Canterlot, so I'm not going to be talking to the princesses any time soon.”

“I just want my family back.” Vi said. “Ponies would never be able to stomach that we feed off love anyway.”

“At least you knew your family.” Shyvanna said quietly, eyes downcast.

“You lost your parents too?” Vi asked.

“My mother died simply because I was born and my father exiled me, so you could say I lost them. My father is still alive, but he's dead to me.”

“Jesus, your lives are more of a mess than Australia's political situation.” I muttered, rubbing my face with a palm.

“Dammit Wards.”

“What?”

“This is not the time for bad jokes.”

“There's always time for bad jokes.” I said with a half-hearted grin. As I turned the corner I noticed some of the green changeling gunk on the walls. “I think we might be getting close.”

The goop only got thicker as we neared the center. It started to coat the floor, until we were basically walking on green honeycomb. I started to hear quiet chirping and buzzing, like that of crickets. I consciously started walking more quietly, I could tell Joel was doing the same.

“Hey Joel, can I borrow your knife?”

“Sure.” He threw the knife into the air above my shoulder and I snatched it out of the air.

“Thanks.” I flipped the knife around before catching it in a reverse grip, as usual.

I peeked around the next corner and saw a pair of changelings quietly chatting. I held up my hand and clenched it into a fist. The others stopped just behind me. 'Stay here' I mouthed. Shyv and Vi nodded, Joel just unholstered the Glocks and screwed on their silencers, ready for if things went wrong.

I jumped out and slashed the knife through the first one's neck, spun using the momentum from the strike, and rammed the knife through the other one's skull. They both died silently. I dragged the bodies down the corridor and back round the corner.

Shyv looked sick. Vi just stared at the changelings sadly. I closed their eyes and sighed. “Requiescant in pace.”

Vi looked around the corner and said “The hatchery is at the end of this branch. Stulte will be there.”

I sneaked around the corner again, this time with my friends following behind me. I was surprised at how stealthy the mares were, despite having no actual training (That I knew of, at least). The buzzing of changelings was steadily increasing, and it was starting to get annoying.

Suddenly the corridor narrowed, becoming so tight I could only just fit. Fortunately I was the tallest (and widest) of the group, so Joel, Shyv and Vi would have no trouble following. After a few seconds of crawling through the claustrophobic space, it opened into an huge room. The ceiling was tall, for a vault at least, and I could see stone underneath the honeycomb of whatever the changeling's green goop was. Hundreds of complete cocoons hung from the ceiling, their contents obscured from view. The floor was lined with massive, ant-like eggs.

Oh, and about fifty changelings were climbing across the ceilings and walls, tending to the cocoons. I quickly retreated back into the passageway.

“Okay, where would... Umm, what was the guy's name?”

“Stulte?” Joel reminded me.

“Yeah, him. Where would he have taken my stuff?” I asked in a hushed voice.

Vi thought for a moment. “He probably would have taken it to his cocoon, he likes storing all his knick-knacks there.”

“Man, haven't heard knick-knacks be used in a long time.” I mused. “Anyway, where is his cocoon?”

Vi sighed. “I'll get your things, stay here.”

“Ok, thanks.”

Vi easily squeezed through the narrow space, disappearing from view.

I sighed as I watched her go. “I hate sitting and waiting.” I muttered.

“Yeah, same. But if we ran in there like madmen, we'd probably get killed.” Joel whispered back, slumping against the wall.

I snorted. “You might, if I got my teeth into one of them, well... Everyone dies I guess.”

“And anyway, I thought you said you liked changelings.”

“Yeah, I do. Which is why I haven't charged in and killed everyone.”

I heard a shout from the hatchery and Vi dived through the tunnel, holding a bundle of clothing. She handed it to me and looked back at the tunnel fearfully. “I think we should run.”

I pulled on my socks, zipped up my boots and slipped on my T-shirt in a manner of seconds. People often wonder how I can get dressed so quickly, it's just a thing I can do. I finally put on my coat and checked the pockets. My combat knife was still in it's sheath, Luna and Celestia were safe in theirs'. The ballistic knife was in my pocket, along with it's spare knives, a few dragon scales and the clips for the Famas. The only thing missing was the Famas itself.

“Fuck me. He took my gun.” I muttered, searching for it anyway.

“Doesn't matter, we have to get out of here!” Vi shouted, bouncing up and down restlessly.

I sighed. “Alright, go. Leave me a trail I can follow.”

“What?”

“Go, I gotta get my Famas back.”

“It's not that important!” Shyv said, as anxious as Vi was.

I groaned. “It's not sentimental value, it's saving our asses. If Half Life manages to find out how that thing works, we're screwed.”

Vi conceded the point. “Alright, make it quick.” She turned and ran off down the hall. Shyv followed.

Joel didn't. “I ain't ditching you this time Wards.” He pulled out the AWP and loaded a round.

I smiled at him, glad for the company. “Well then, lets crush these bugs.”

The wall that held the tunnel started to shake. “And that's their cue.”

The wall cracked and split, shattering into a million tiny shards. A small army of changelings waited on the opposite side, including one that held a G2 Famas in his hoof. He smiled, showing of his elongated canines. “Hello humans, how nice of you to come out and play.”

“Can I have my Famas back?” I asked, not really expecting it to work.

It didn't. “No. I have too many plans for this little weapon.” He waved the Famas around like it was a toy. “I could build an army with this, I could take revenge on you humans for killing my brethren. I could take over the world!”

“You could shut the hell up.” Joel said, and shot him in the face with the AWP.

The crowd of changelings were speechless as Stulte crumpled and fell. They were still speechless as I shoved them out of the way to get my gun. They didn't move as I picked it up and slung it across my back. I turned back to them and looked at the questioningly. “Any particular reason you aren't trying to pull my legs through ass right now?”

I was only met with silence.

“Okay then. I'll just be leaving.” I said awkwardly.

As I started to walk away I heard a thump. I stopped. There was another thump. And another. And another. They started to get faster and louder. I turned back, confused.

The changelings were stomping the floor rapidly, and some of them were even smiling.

“What the fuck?” I asked, staring at the changelings in bewilderment.

“I think they're clapping for us...”Joel said, just as confused as I was.

“Uh, any particular reason you're clapping?” I called out to the changelings.

“You killed that stuck up prick!” One called back.

“Umm, yeah. But should you be over here trying to tear my face off right now?”

“Why would we?”

I stared at the changeling who had spoken. “I just killed that guy, not to mention a human by the name of Honored Service killed your queen and nearly wiped you all out.”

“Your point?”

I blinked. And then I got a really stupid idea. “Follow me.”

Author's Note

For some reason I'm pumping out chapters really fast. Don't get used to it.

Edit: You know, there's a ton of random stuff I want to write, but I don't want to spam bonus chapters. Especially spoilers.

24: Faffing about.

Honor the Dead
by BinaryTroll
Pre-read by Honored Service
Chapter 24: “Faffing about.”

"I'm sorry, WHAT?"

I sighed. "I knew this was a stupid idea."

"Why do you think I would be a good candidate for queen?" Vi asked, pacing. Her wings buzzed. "I'm not even royal."

"So? You're intelligent, you don't let your emotions get the better of you," I jabbed a thumb over my shoulder at the crowd of changelings. "They love you." The changelings cheered. "So why not?"

"I'm not ready for this!"

I smiled grimly. "I wasn't ready when I killed for the first time, and look at me now." I spread my arms. "I'm an assassin, someone who kills for a living."

"But what if I fail?"

"You won't fail. If you do it'll only be a small one. You won't live long enough to regret making a big one."

Vi scowled. "That's reassuring."

I shrugged. "It's worked for me so far."

"Did it ever occur to you that ruling and assassination are two completely different things?"

"Alright, there goes that. Remember it's your decision. I reckon you'd make a great queen, but that's just me. And Joel. And Shyv. And the swarm of changelings you'd be ruling over.”

“Stop trying to persuade me.”

I put my hand to my chin in mock thought. “How about... no.”

Vi's wings vibrated into a blur before settling back under her carapace. “I will. But on one condition.”

“What?”

“I want to see the world, I was chained to a queen and stuck in this hive for...” Vi blinked and shook her head. “I don't know how long. The one time I left the hive I almost died. I want to right the wrongs of the last queen and do something with my life.”

I grinned and felt Joel and Shyv stepping up beside me. “Well, I think I rest my case.” I looked out to the crowd of changelings. “So, which one of you scrubs feels like taking command while we're gone?”

Most of the changelings looked towards a taller changeling that was near the center of the swarm. She stepped forward, her head high. “I will. But only until you come back Viridi.”

Vi looked at the other changeling and smiled with tears in her eyes. “Thanks Cae. You have no idea how much this means to me.”

Cae smiled back. “I think I do. Have fun Viridi, I'll keep us safe until you come back. I hope you find what you're looking for.”
Vi stepped forward and the two embraced. It was a heartwarming moment and I could see tears welling up in the eyes of the changelings. I sighed inwardly, no tears came to me, as usual. I looked at the smiles and remembered the two changelings I killed.

I suddenly didn't feel so warm.

“I just have to fuck everything up, don't I?” I asked myself quietly.

I walked off, towards the supply closet. My footsteps echoed around me as I strode down the hall. Something about the vault felt suffocating all of a sudden. I sighed and ignored it.

I kicked the opening handle and the door opened with a small puff of steam. I stepped into the supply closet and searched for anything that would be useful. I found a backpack, 12 bottles of purified water, 6 Blamco Mac and Cheese, 8 Dandy boy apples, 4 bottles of Nuka-Cola, 2 boxes of Cram, a box of Insta Mash and 10 Pork n' Beans. I stuffed what I could carry into my pockets and carried the rest back to our little party.

“You got enough stuff there Wards?” Joel asked with a laugh.

“Shut up and grab something.” I said through a mouthful of Dandy boy apples.

Vi looked over her shoulder at us and her eyes widened. She stepped over to us. “Here, lemme help you with that.”

Vi charged a spell and shot it at the huge pile of shit in my arms. The boxes shrank to the size of peas.

I looked down at the miniature boxes that rolled around in my hands. They were as light as peas too. “Well, that makes my life easier.” I stuffed the boxes and bottles in my pockets and took out the ones that I had originally put in there. “Anyone up for some food?”

“Sure.” Joel said, so I tossed him a bottle of water and some Pork n' Beans.

“Anyone else?” I asked, prying the lid off a can of Pork n' Beans with my teeth.

“Can I have the cans once your done?” Shyv asked.

I shrugged. “If you can think you can stomach it. These things are covered in dust. Also, how do you know these are called cans?”

“I've seen them around, quite a few younger dragons like hording them. And I've eaten solid rock before, I think I can stomach a little dust.”

“'K den.” I said, tipping the contents of the Pork n' Beans can into my mouth.

The five or six thousand year old food didn’t actually taste too bad. It just tasted sort of sloppy, like a cross between baked beans and something that wasn't quite pork. In other words, it tasted just like I thought it would, except better.

I took a swig of the water and sighed. “Man, you don't realize how hungry you are until you've eaten something thousands of years old.”

“Isn't the saying 'You don't realize how hungry you are until you're eating your best friend?'” Joel mused, screwing the cap back on his water bottle.

“That's a saying?” I asked, downing more water.

“Apparently.”

I shrugged. “The more you know.” I dusted off the empty Pork n' Beans can and handed it to Shyv. “Here you go.”

She took it and crunched it in her mouth. It made a horrible squeak as she carved it up and chewed on it.

I stepped back and tapped my ear. “Jesus that's loud.”

She swallowed. “I gotta eat something.”

“Fair enough.” I turned back to Vi and Joel. “Well then, lets do this.”

Vi tapped the button on the vault control panel and the huge gear rolled away from the door. She inhaled deeply and smiled. “I miss fresh air.” She said, stepping out into the cave.

Shyv stepped out too, stretching her wings. Joel followed and I brought up the rear. We turned and waved goodbye to Cae and the rest of the Changelings, and I was again hit with a wave of sadness.

I walked out into the sunlight slumped, not even noticing the sun shining. My eyes flashed white, but I didn't even notice, I just kept walking. I looked back at my friends, Shyv was shielding her eyes with her wings, Joel was blinking rapidly but Vi seemed relatively unaffected. She fell into step beside me.

“Where's Canterlot in relation to here?” I asked, keeping my eyes straight ahead.

I saw her point with a hoof out of the corner of my eye. “North-north west. About three weeks journey on foot.”

I changed direction slightly. “Is there any food on the way?”

“Well, there's the Everfree. We have to travel through there, but besides that, we have a backup hive close by to Canterlot. Unfortunately it doesn't have any food you can use.”

“Right, so why is your main hive all the way out here?”

“It isn't. This is a stronghold hive, a last fallback. A vault if you will.”

I laughed. “Yep, it's certainly a vault. So how are you surviving?”

“We store large amounts of emotional energy in the hive, mostly love.”

“You feed off other emotions?”

“Yes, changelings can feed off a wide variety of emotions, it just so happens that love is the easiest to store and one of the most powerful as well as being less negatively affecting than hatred or anger. Love is also a sustainable resource, and is one of the few emotions that is truly infinite. I can probably sustain myself on the friendship you have with Shyvanna and Joel, but only just.”

The scientist in my brain was neatly stacking away all this information for further use. “That's kinda cool.”

Vi looked at me, confused. “Cool? You think that my feeding habits are cool?”

“Uh, yeah. I honestly don't know why ponies are so disgusted by the idea of you feeding off emotions. I mean, come on if one's love for someone is infinite, why do they care if you take some? They should feel happy that their love is quite literally feeding someone.”

“I never thought of it that way.”

“And I'm willing to bet most ponies haven't either.”

At that point Joel and Shyv had caught up to us. “Yo, so what's the plan?” Joel asked.

“We walk. A lot.”

“Fun.”

Shyv spread her wings and took off, quickly ascending into the sky. Vi watched for a second before buzzing her own wings and following.

“Uh, the fuck just happened?”

Joel shrugged. “Stuff and things.” He looked to the sky, watching the two ponies loop gracefully round each other. “Damn, they're good.”

I sighed deeply and looked at the ground. “I wish I could join them. I've always wanted wings.”

“Yeah.” Joel said absentmindedly.

My thoughts returned to the two changelings I had killed. They would never fly again, not in this world at least. I slapped myself. I need to stop dwelling on things. I made that promise seven years ago, I intend to keep it.

“What was that in aid of?” Joel asked.

“Eh, scumbag brain.” I replied.

“I know that feel.” He said quietly, looking at the sky again.

I followed his gaze. Green and red flames clashed in the sky, shaping themselves into mock weapons and beasts. On opposite sides a half dragon and a changeling circled gracefully, each trying to win the mock battle. Eventually they both ended up blasting each other with massive walls of fire.

“That makes me want to never see fireworks again. Ever.” I commented, my eyes locked on the swirling flames.

“I know what you mean.” The flames dissipated, leaving the two ponies floating on their own in the sky. “That was one hell of a light show.”

The two spiraled upwards and came to halt side by side in the air. After a small debate they dived down towards us, racking up incredible speed. They seemed fairly evenly matched in speed.

“Uh, Joel?”

“Yeah?”

“I think they're going to crash into us.”

Joel narrowed his eyes. “Yeah, they seem to be- FUCK! Dive!”

I dived to my right, rolling back to my feet. I could feel Shyvanna blaze past behind me as the wind from her passage almost tore my coat off.

I turned around to see Shyvanna and Vi land gracefully a few meters behind us. “Holy shit, that could have killed me!”

The girls grinned back at me. “Problem?”

The only way to win is not to play. I flipped them off. Meh, close enough.

They laughed and came back to join us.

“Any particular reason why you feel like mashing my bones into a pulp?” I asked, walking north-north west again.

“It's just a bit of fun.”

I tried to come up with a non hypocritical answer. I failed.

We walked in silence for the next hour or so, until I thought of a question. “What's it like to fly?” I asked, not really caring who answered.

“It's amazing, there's a freedom to it that you can't really have when you're stuck on the ground. You look down and can see the world sprawled out below you and it feels like you're a god.” Shyvanna answered.

“But how do you use your wings? Birds have tails for balance and hollow bones. Even their heads are streamlined to make it possible for them to fly. Sure, you have a tail, but you cant really move it and it certainly isn't made to help you fly.”

She shrugged. “I'm not really sure. Most pegasi are extremely light, but besides that the only real explanation I have is natural magic.”

“Magic, the magical solution to everything.” I muttered.

“Speaking of magic, how do you control it?” Joel asked.

It was Vi who answered this time. “It's partly instinctual, many unicorns can naturally use telekinesis from birth, just as changelings can naturally mimic others shapes from birth. But then there is higher order magic, that has to be learned or created. And example of this is love possession, a technique that Queen Chrysalis was particularly skilled in.”

“She used that on Shining Armor at the wedding. That probably wasn't her best idea.” I remember, remembering the third episode I ever watched.

“Yes, and it led her down a path that almost destroyed us.”

“I meant, how do you actually control it? Like, the higher order stuff.” Joel interrupted.

“It's like walking, you think about it and then you do it. Your brain handles most of the finer details. But I'm not the best person to ask about this, I only snuck into a magical theory lesson for a few hours so I didn't get caught.”

“Magical theory. I'm so studying that when I get to Canterlot.” I said, thinking of all the interesting subjects it could bring up.

“Nerd.” My friends said in unison.

Author's Note

And so ends the huge writing spree. Now, back to pointless faffing about to fill out story time and make a transition feel natural. *Sighs* At least my writing has improved. Apparently.

Name: Viridi Apis
Mental condition: Stable
Physical condition: Peak
Clothing: None
Weapons: Magic, Changeling web
Other: None

Strength: 3
Perception: 9
Endurance: 4
Charisma: 10 (Emotional connection)
Intelligence: 8
Agility: 10 (wings)
Luck: 8

25: I would walk 10000 miles...

Honor the Dead
by BinaryTroll
Pre-read by Honored Service
Chapter 25: “I would walk 10000 miles...”

"Captain's log, stardate: I wish I had a fucking calender
I have never watched Star Trek, so I quite clearly have no idea what I'm saying or why I'm saying it. But I'm going to do this anyway. Even though nobody can hear me."

Joel groaned. "We can hear you, we just wish we couldn't."

"I am already sick of walking, big surprise, but it at least keeps me sane to some degree. Boredom is setting in once again and I'm getting the feeling it won't be leaving any time soon. I want to kill something, but these plains are deader than a can of Cram. Cram apparently tastes goddamn horrible, so I'm avoiding that. Magic is helping the journey, but without wings or some other form of transport this is going to take far too long. Even with StaminUp, which I expect may be StaminUp 2.0 due to the huge speed increase when I sprint, this is taking far too long, and my stamina still drains very quickly if I sprint. I'm sick of this shit already and we still have almost three weeks left. End Log."

"Finally." Joel flopped onto the ground with a soft thump.

Shyvanna and Vi had already fallen asleep, and Joel was obviously wishing he could do the same. I had insomnia. The moon was waning, it's calming light diminishing. Soon I would only have the stars to greet me at night. Nevertheless, I appreciated the moon's light. As Joel rolled over, bundling his clothing around him, I stared into the fire. The grass burned quickly and didn't give much light, so I let the fire die, allowing my clothing to shield me from the night's cold. Fortunately a warm breeze blew through the night, and I thanked Luna for it.

My thoughts wandered, the night giving me an odd clarity. I assembled my various observations and ran through them. The changelings, the vault, the food, even little things that I didn't consciously notice until now, like the small difference in appearance between changelings. I tried to avoid the memory of killing the pair of changelings. Finally my thoughts traveled to the mock battle between Shyv and Vi a few hours earlier. Something about it intrigued me, but I could quite place my finger on it.

Then I realized, the two hardly knew each other. But somehow they both knew exactly what the other was going to do and countered it, despite having no previous knowledge of each other's fighting style or even thought patterns. They were like Joel and I had been when we met for the second time, we knew each other somehow, even though we hadn't talked in close to ten years.

I groaned. My mind annoys me. My brain is smart, but I'm not. Thus, I end up out-thinking myself. It's a real pain sometimes. I lay down on the grass and closed my eyes. Maybe I would be able to get some sleep, if you don't bet you can't win.

Somewhere waaaaay too far away

I groaned and flopped face first onto the mountain of paperwork. It made a pleasing rustling sound. I forgot how much paperwork goes into war, but you would have thought the idiots would wait till after the war's over to dump it all on me. I seriously don't know how my sister coped with doing all this in my thousand year absence. Every day.

I shifted my muzzle out of the paper so I could breathe and opened my eyes. I looked up at the mirror that rested on my desk. An indigo alicorn stared back, her hair falling over her eyes, only just shielding the bags that rested under them from view. I blew my hair off my forehead and sighed. The days since Honored had left were just getting longer.

“Blegh.” I slumped back into the paper, dislodging a couple of sheets. “Bucking paperwork.”

I had raised the moon hours ago, but here I was, still working. Contrary to popular belief, I'm not nocturnal, I just stay up late and sleep in a lot. I could feel sleep calling, and the paper was so soft. A small part of my mind wondered why they bothered using such soft paper, but the rest of me didn't care. I just needed some time to relax and do nothing, so no nightmare duty tonight. I was sick of it anyway. Let the ponies fix their own bucking nightmares, I've got sleeping to do.

Inside the dreamscape

My ethereal body opened it's eyes and stretched. The various dreams and nightmares swirled around me, but I batted them away, I was sick of working. I conjured up a bed and jumped onto it, folding my hooves under my body.

It felt good to just lie down for a bit and relax. I rolled over onto my back, curling up into a ball. The dreams swirled hypnotically above me, small images flashing there way through. I noticed an ice cream for a split second. How long has it been since I have had ice cream? I wondered. I'm always busy these days, I miss ice cream. I'm going to get some ice cream after this war ends. If I'm still alive. I noticed a fleeting image of myself in somepony's dream., giving a seductive look to who I presumed was the owner of the dream. I shrugged, it wouldn't be the first time.

More dreams passed, I was surprised at how few nightmares there were amongst them. It certainly would make my job easier. I guess when you're living a nightmare you don't need more.

I continued to watch the dreams pass by. There was a changeling, lying down in some browned grass, a half dragon with a flaming red mane, slowly flying through the sky. I stopped the maelstrom and brought the two to the fore. The changeling was interesting, they usually kept their dreams heavily guarded. I took it and set it apart from the whirlwind. I studied the half dragon's dream. It looked peaceful, relaxing. I hadn't seen a half dragon for close to three thousand years.

I projected my essence into the dream, my pledge not to work overrun by curiosity.

I landed on a cloud, overlooking the landscape below. A mountain range stretched to the horizon, linking up with a grassy plain and some of the extended Everfree forest. Below me the half dragon flew, spiraling down towards the ground. A small group of other creatures sat in a circle below us, they were hard to make out from this distance. I grinned and jumped off the cloud, doing a somersault just for the heck of it.

I felt my hair blow out behind me and I made a mental note to fly for enjoyment more often. I spread my wings just a few meters above the ground, bringing me to a halt. I gently set myself down and made my way towards the group. I made sure to keep my essence hidden from the group, I wanted to see this dream play out normally.

As I neared the group I noticed something strange. Only one of the members of the group was actually a pony. The other two were shaped much more like a minotaur, or...

“Oh motherbucker.”

I teleported into the air above the group, changing my essence into an invisible cloud.

“What the buck are you doing here?” I asked quietly, staring down at Edward and the others.

He looked up, directly at me. “Oh, hi Luna. What are you doing here?”

“You can see me?”

The human raised an eyebrow. “Noooo, I'm completely blind.”

“But-”

“Seriously, you can't hide from me in my own mind.”

“But this isn't your mind.”

The human blinked. “Sorry, what?”

“This is the dream of this half dragon over here.” I said, gesturing towards the pony.

The half dragon growled. “I have a name you know.”

“I-”

“What the balls is happening?” Interrupted a voice from behind me.

I spun around to come face to face with a green haired human. He was slightly shorter than Edward and had a small splatter of faint freckles across his nose and cheeks.

“You would be Princess Luna I presume?” He said with a slight smile.

I lost it. “WHO IN TARTARUS ARE YOU?” The full force of the royal Canterlot voice forced the human back a step.

The human plugged his ears. “Jesus, that was a bit loud.”

Deep breaths. “Who are you, and why are you here?”

“Name's Joel. Why am I here? Because I'm dreaming I presume.”

I gritted my teeth. “You can't all be in the same dream. Only one of you is real, and that's the half dragon.”

A new voice piped up. “Her name is Shyvanna, and I take offense to being called not real.”

I turned once more to face a familiar looking changeling. “Sister damn it, what is going on here?”

“Apparently we've encountered a rare phenomenon where multiple creatures are sharing the same dream.” The changeling said.

“But that's only a theory.”

The changeling laughed. “Well, I guess I sneaked into the right magical theory lesson.”

“What?”

“Long story with a bad punchline.”

“So who are you?”

Edward answered for her. “That would be Viridi, future queen of the changelings.”

I sat down heavily. “What kind of gathering is this? Two humans, a half dragon and the new queen of the changelings. How did you all find each other?”

“The fucking GPS didn't work, that's how.” Edward muttered.

“GPS is for scrubs.” Joel replied.

“Last time you said that we were jumped by an army of shadows.” Edward said, scowling.

“Yeah, and we ended up with both Jug and StaminUp.”

“And I almost fucking died!”

“And that happens almost every day.”

“Shut up.”

Joel just grinned.

“Are they always like this?” I asked Shyvanna, not taking my eyes off the pair.

“As far as I can tell.” She replied, settling down on the ground beside me.

“So what's your story?” I asked, tearing my eyes away from the humans.

Shyvanna sighed. “I was born, shunned and chased out of my home, and ended up in Canterlot. I talked to your sister and lived there for a while, but eventually the constant abuse from the other ponies became too much, so I ran back home. I lived in a small cave for most of my life, until I met these two, who fell from the sky in some sort of metal cart thing.” She smiled. “Apparently humans wear clothing all the time.”

I grinned easily. “I remember the first time I met a human. I walked in on him while he was in the shower, which he didn't take to kindly to.”

“What happened?”

“He turned red and literally kicked me out. After that I made sure I brought the incident up at every available opportunity.” I giggled in a matter that probably didn't befit one of royalty. “Good times.”

Edward was now trying to brain Joel with the butt of his gun.“Kind of fun to watch, isn't it?” Viridi asked with a laugh.

“Yes, it is indeed.” Joel was running in circles, his arms in the air. Edward was chasing him, swinging his rifle like a club. “So, you're the new queen?”

“Yeah, not really by choice though.” Viridi said.

“What do you mean?”

“Well, these three blundered into the hive yesterday, killed the old leader, and forced me into the position.”

“Wait, don't you have to be of royal descent to become queen? And who was the queen before you?”

Viridi laughed with a hint of bitterness. “Thanks to you killing off most of us, we didn't have any designated heir, so the most powerful drone took charge. He was originally one of the generals in Queen Chrysalis's old army. As for the old Queen, your pet human took care of her.”

I blinked. I didn't know what to say. “Umm, Sorry.”

She sighed heavily. “No, it's not your fault. It was the Queens's. If she hadn't been so damn stubborn we wouldn't have ended up in this mess.” She slammed a hoof into the ground. “I hate that we have to be shunned! It's not fair. That's why I decided to ditch the hive and go along with these guys.” She gestured towards Edward and Joel, the former of whom was now throwing fireballs at the latter.

Joel back-flipped over a fireball. “If you left the hive, how are you queen? And why would you abandon your subjects?”

“My friend Cae is taking care of the hive for now. I just don't think bringing an army of changelings into Canterlot would be a good idea, especially considering recent events.” Viridi shrugged. “And besides, it takes much more resources than we can afford to move such a large population for little to no purpose.”

I decided then that I liked this new queen. “That is remarkably well thought out, and beneficial for your subjects. I believe you will make a great queen once you return.”

“Thank you, I hope to make your acquaintance proper at some point in the coming weeks.”

We returned our gaze to the two humans, who were still fighting. Edward had somehow managed to grow a pair of wings, and proceed to float several meters above the ground, firing massive lasers towards Joel that decimated the landscape. At some point during my conversation with Viridi, Shyvanna had joined Edward in chasing Joel, to no avail.

“THAT IS IT!” Edward yelled in a voice that rivaled (and possibly surpassed) my own. “I AM GOING TO FUCKING TEAR YOUR LUNGS OUT!”

“Fun.”

26: It's a shame I use kilometres.

Honor the Dead
by BinaryTroll
Pre-read by Honored Service
Chapter 26: “It's a shame I use kilometers.”

With blinding speed Edward swooped down from the sky, a bolt of black and blue racing towards Joel.

He dug a nice large furrow in the ground with his face.

“I hate my life.” Edward muttered through a mouthful of soil.

“Well, I guess I have some dirt on you now.” Joel snickered.

“Going to fucking murder you.” Edward said, still lying face down.

“That wasn't even a good pun.” Shyvanna said, giggling anyway.

“Going to fucking murder you all.”

I stood up and stretched my wings to their full length. “Well then, everypony...” I smiled. “And everyhuman.”

Edward held up a hand. “Actually, it's everybody. Everybody can easily refer to any and all races simultaneously without any racial discrimination of any kind. Unless there are some sort of bodiless beings out there. That would be rather interesting actually.”

“Shut up.” Shyvanna and Joel said in unison.

I sighed good-naturedly. “Alright then, everybody, I shall be off.”

Joel and Edward waved. “Bye.”

I vanished back to the dreamscape.

Edward

“That was weird.”

“Your telling me.”

I lowered my hand and blinked. “So how the hell did we all end up in a linked dream?”

“I'd say that its partly because of our proximity, partly just luck.” Vi theorized, slowly walking over to our group.

“Well, I've never been one to say there are no coincidences.” I cracked my knuckles. “So now what? Do we wanna wake up?”

“I don't think dreams work like that.” Shyvanna said.

“They do for me.” I raised my hand and grinned. An alarm clock appeared in my hand. “Ring-a-ding ding baby.”

Reality (or is it, dun dun dun, etc)

I opened my gluey eyes to the rising sun. I shut them again quickly. Man, I hadn't pulled the old alarm trick in ages. I used to never get up before noon. Those were the days.

“WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT FOR?”

“Right on time.” I muttered. I raised a hand to shield my eyes from the sun and opened my eyes. “Good morning Shyv.”

A rather pissed off half dragon looked down at me, her hair sparking slightly. “Was that really necessary?”

“Come on, it's just a little noise.”

“A million alarm clocks?”

“Whats wrong with that?”

“A million alarm clocks? Oh, I don't know, maybe because THEY BURST MY FUCKING EARDRUMS!”

“Uh, three things. One, it was a dream, you can't burst your eardrums in a dream. Two, How do you know about eardrums anyway? I thought you were raised by dragons, I doubt they would have biology in school. Three, how do you know about alarm clocks? I haven't seen any in possession of any of the dragons. I think.”

“I lived in Canterlot for a few years when I was younger. I thought I told you that.”

I propped myself up on one elbow. “Yeah, I don't have the greatest memory. You might have. I don't know.”

Shyvanna sighed and stormed off.

I took out one of the tiny Dandy Boy Apples and popped open the box. “Hey Vi, can I have an expansion spell over here please?”

She stepped over and touched the box with here horn. It became normal size.

“Cheers.” I said, opening the box.

“Was it really necessary to use that many alarm clocks?” She asked, sitting down beside me.

“Not you too.” I said, taking out one of the apples and tossing the other to Joel.

“Well, it was rather loud.”

“That's the point.”

“I still think it might have been slightly unnecessary. We all could have woken up in our own time.”

I shrugged and crunched down on my apple. “We'll live. I'd like to get to Canterlot pretty fast. If I'm lucky I might catch the conclusion to the war.”

“War? What war?”

“Oh right, you've been stuck in a vault all this time. Yeah, there's a war going on between Nightmare, who has taken over Celestia, and Honored Service. Something something elements of sanctuary, Canterlot is burning, shadow humans, et cetera.” I said, waving my hand like it didn't matter.

“Shouldn't you be a little more concerned about this?”

“Should I?”

“Well, if Nightmare wins then he'll take over the world.”

“Whoop de doo. And what will he do then? He's proven that he will continue to cycle the sun and moon, and he's proven he has a conscience, so the worst that I think can happen is he'll just rule over the ponies, get sick of it and fuck off to do something else with his everlasting life. And besides, Honored can basically plow through anything and everything in his way. The chance of him losing at this point is close to zero.”

“Don't you think we should help though?”

“Help how?” I swept my arm across the the landscape. “We're ages away from the battlefront.”

“I guess.” She sighed, eyes downcast. “I just don't want nightmare to ruin the ponies' lives like he ruined the changelings'.”

I stood up and offered a hand to Vi. “Well then, lets get moving.”

She smiled and took it.

Eight hours later.

“So by that token, gems should taste better, right?” Joel said.

I shrugged. “Well yeah, but like, gems aren't really that rare here, so precious metals would taste better, simply because they're a delicacy.”

“Well, you can say that about truffles, but I reckon they taste like shit.”

“I guess, but still, you'd think metals would still taste better.”

“Yeah, but gems are truly, truly outrageous.”

“Say that again and I'll shove a crystal hammer up your ass. Although you'd probably like that.”

“Oh Wards.”

“Exactly why are you two discussing my feeding habits?” Shyvanna asked, falling into step beside us.

“Cause we're bored.”

“I- really?”

“Well, we don't really have much to talk about. Would you like us to stop?”

“Umm, no. It's fine. I just think it's a bit weird, that's all.”

“Well, since you're here, which do you like more, gems or precious metals?”

“Well, I personally like rubies, they're kinda sweet.”

“Ha! Suck it Wards.”

I growled. “God dammit.”

“Although most dragons prefer precious metals.”

“Right back at you Joel.”

“Ah fuck.”

“But they only like them cause they're rare. They don't actually taste that good.”

If there was a table nearby I would have flipped it. “Make up your fucking mind!”

“Huh?”

I put my head in my hands. “Nevermind.”

We walked for another few minutes in silence.

“I have to ask, what's it like eating other animals?” Shyv asked.

“Well, meat tastes great.” I replied. “Especially with a bit of spice. And salt. You can never have enough salt.”

“Really?”

I laughed. “No. Eat to much salt and you die. But yeah, meat. Tastes good with some bread. Maybe some tomato sauce. Depends on what you're having. Potatoes also go well with almost anything. Man, potatoes.”

“I could use some mash potato.” Joel said.

“Here's a miniscule pack of Insta-Mash.” I said, tossing him the pea sized pack.

He caught it between his thumb and forefinger and tossed it back. “Nah, I mean the stuff made of actual potatoes. Preferably ones that aren't older than me.”

I pocketed the pack. “Well, that's all we got. But yeah, meat isn't really a taste you can describe unless you've had it. The best I can describe it as is a sort of greasy, salty taste. Well, cooked at least. Fuck eating raw meat.”

“You don't like eating raw meat?”

I shrugged. “Some humans do, god knows why, but personally I hate any form of meat that isn't almost burned to a crisp. Gives it flavor.”

Joel shook his head. “Gives it flavor. You know, there is such thing as a nice, medium steak.”

I recoiled in mock horror. “Medium? It's either a coal or a lump of muscle! There is no middle ground!”

“Yeah, this is why I do the cooking.”

“You don't use enough spice.”

“Last time we cooked burritos you put five packets of seasoning in! The recipe only needs one.”

“Please, I have no need for recipes.”

Joel looked at me sceptically. “Last time you baked a cake you put an entire kilo of sugar in.”

“Come on, it tasted good though.”

“It was supposed to be a single cupcake!”

I put my hands behind my head and looked to the sky. “I rest my case.”

Vi swooped down to hover just above me. “What's this about cupcakes?”

“Wards is just a bad cook. That's all.” Joel said.

“I'm an excellent cook, what are you talking about?”

“I'm talking about the time you made a pizza using six bags of lollies and whipped cream instead of sauce.”

“It still tasted good.”

“Haven't you ever heard of balanced nutrition?”

“I have, I just don't care.”

“I swear, I am the reason you aren't a blob of fat.”

“Actually, that's probably because of the whole genetically modified, super metabolism thing.”

Joel shrugged. “Probably.”

“What?” Vi and Shyv asked in unison.

I waved my hand in the air. “Yeah, I was an experiment for a terrorist organization. Don't ask about it.”

“What happened?” Shyv asked.

I sighed. “I got kidnapped, killed nine people and had about sixty different needles.”

“Huh?”

“I'm not explaining it any further than that. It was not a fun time.”

“Why?”

“I was fifteen.”

A pause. Then,“Oh.”

I grimaced. “Yeah.”

Awkward silence.

“Nice weather we're having.” Joel muttered.

“Actually it's kinda shitty.” I replied. “It's cloudy but not raining, too hot to be running around in a long coat but too cold to take it off and we aren't anywhere near civilization.”

“Your first two points are correct, but we are in fact near an underground village of diamond dogs.” Vi said. “Also, that has nothing to do with the weather.”

“Ugh, I hate diamond dogs.” I muttered. “And dogs in general really. If it's not intelligent enough to do basic maths, I don't want to talk to it.”

Vi raised an eyebrow. “That's mean.”

I shrugged. “It's who I am, and I don't really want to change it.”

“I guess...”

“Anyway, back to food. I'm curious, how does one survive off emotions?” I looked over to Shyv. “Or various minerals for that matter?”

Shyv shrugged. “I have no idea. Vi would probably know more than me.”

Vi shook her head. “Magic I guess. Tell you the truth I'm not really sure either, studies have probably been done into the subject but we don't have access to them. We can probably read up on it when we get to Canterlot. As for feeding off emotions, it's a form of conversion energy, we actually do need material food to survive, but it's in extremely small amounts. All our energy comes from the conversion of magical energy into chemical energy. Since all emotions are imbued with varying levels and types of magical energy, we can collect them from the air around us and store them within our bodies. Then, just like digesting material food, we convert the magical energy into chemical energy to use.”

I smiled. “Nerd yourself. So how come there's this whole love energy problem? And why do you need to be able to change and disguise yourself if you can just take the energies from the air?”

“Well, it's true we can gather energy from the air, but we need to feed an entire hive, not just a single changeling. We can't all go in and feed ourselves, a long time ago a queen tried that and the entire hive was almost exterminated. Too many changelings blows our cover. And the radiating emotional energy isn't that powerful. If the radiating emotional energy was an apple, then the direct energy is like the entire orchard.”

“Ah, that probably explains why Chrysalis wanted to go after the princess of love, she'd have enough food for a lifetime, more even. So why love? I bet there's plenty of hate and friendship and a bunch of other stuff flying around.”

“Yes, but love is far easier to store, and it tastes good. Hate is often dangerous to get, spoils quickly, but gives a lot of energy very quickly. Unfortunately, consuming and converting anger or hatred heightens aggression, and is counterproductive to maintaining a healthy hive. Friendship is fairly easy to obtain, but it tastes a bit bland and doesn't give much energy.”

I held up a finger. “Wait, if friendship doesn't give much energy, how are you surviving?”

“Direct feed. You are friends with Viridi the changeling, and so long as you are in fairly close proximity and I'm not disguised as somepony else, I can feed off that.”

“So simply by talking to you I'm keeping you alive.”

She smiled. “Yep.”

I laughed. “That's amazing.”

“Yeah, but it's rare. Nopony wants to be friends with a parasite.”

“But your friend, the vice queen or whatever.”

“Cae?”

“Yeah, her. Can't you two keep each other alive by being friends?”

“Technically yes. But it would be a form of cannibalism. We would drain each others energy until there's nothing left.”

“From that statement I presume you can chose which emotions you feed off?”

“Yeah.”

Shyv tapped me on the shoulder. “Uh, just so you know, it's getting close to midnight.”

I looked up at the sky. “Huh so it- wait...”

“What?”

“We just talked about food for an entire day.”

Author's Note

Well, I can try to be creative all I want, but I'm still a scientist at heart. :D

And sorry for the huge wait, I was on holiday.

27: Less walking, more explosions.

Honor the Dead
by BinaryTroll
Pre-read/Edited by Honored Service
Chapter 27: “Less walking, more explosions.”

“I just realized, we are out of food.” I said, pulling my hands out of my pockets. “We also have very little water.”
“Don't worry, we're almost at the next hive.” Vi said tiredly.

I looked up at the sky and sighed. A week of walking, over. Just gotta do this twice more and I can finally have a shower. And eat something that doesn't come from a can. My feet hurt, my legs hurt, my arms hurt. Basically my everything hurt. It would be good to have a rest, albeit a small one, once we reached the next hive. For some reason, I felt far more sane than when I was driving. Maybe I just had new things to think over, other people to talk to. I knew Joel so well that we didn't really have anything to discuss, because we almost always had the same opinion and the same amount of knowledge (Although I generally had a bit deeper understanding of sciences). With Shyvanna and Vi, I hardly knew them, so we spent ages discussing science, philosophy, tactics, weapons, magic and other obscure topics that we found interesting.

A question wormed it's way into my mind. “Hey Vi, if this hive is closer to Canterlot, how come the changelings didn't take up residence here instead?”

“A variety of reasons, chief among them being the dragons that moved in.”

I sighed. “Fuck me, more dragons? I wonder how many of these I'm going to have to violently disassemble?”

“You've killed dragons before?”

“Yep.” I swept my hand around the group. “Between us, we've killed about three young adults.”

“Shit.” Vi muttered.

I raised my eyebrows. “Apparently that's still a thing across dimensions. Good to know. Anyway, care to elaborate?”

“Dragons can tell when you've killed one of their kin, so there’s no way you can just grab some food and go.”

I smiled. “Thank god.” I cracked my knuckles. “Yo Joel.”

“Yeah?”

“You bored?”

Joel yawned. “Do you even need to ask?”

“Feel like killing some stuff?”

He shrugged. “I'm game.”

“Right then.” I raised my hand and pointed it to the sky before bringing it down in a great sweep to point directly forwards. “To the vault!”

Vi tapped my shoulder and pointed to my left. “The vault's that way.”

“Oh.”

The walk to the vault was relatively short, and ended with us staring into a huge crater. The vault door sat at the base of it in the dirt. The number as well as any other forms of paint was gone. Not to mention a large amount of the door itself.
“Jesus, I wonder how long this has been here?”

Joel slid down the edge of the crater and jumped to his feet at the bottom. After a few seconds of studying the door from a distance, I joined him.

“Kinda skimped out on security didn't they?” Joel commented, kicking a bit of dust off the huge gear.

“Can you blame them? It's been a few thousand years.”

There was a huge hole in the center of the door, eroded away by the dust and wind. Or something else.

Shyvanna and Vi landed nearby with a resounding clang. “Well, you hungry?”

Joel grinned back. “Starving.”

He jumped through the hole, landing softly. I looked over my shoulder. “You two want in?”

Vi shook her head. “I've seen enough killing lately, I'm not in a hurry to see more.”

Shyvanna grinned. “Well, I have a bit of a grudge against most of the guys who live here, so fuck it, why not?”

“Learning how to swear like a human are we?” I said with a laugh.

She lightly punched me on the shoulder. “You're a bad influence.”

I smiled. “I know.”

She slid down the hole, lithe like a cat.

“So what are you going to do Vi?”

She shrugged. “I know a back entrance that leads to the changeling food store. Hopefully those bumbling fools haven't wrecked it.”

“I really hope you're referring to the dragons there.”

She smiled evilly. “You'll never know.”

I shrugged. “Whatever, see you in a hour or so.”

She waved. “Ta ta.”

I turned my back on her and jumped down the hole.

I landed with a soft thump at the familiar control room of the vault, rolling to break my fall. Joel and Shyv stood by a dragon-sized hole where the door was supposed to be. “So, we doing this stealthily or explosively?”

Joel screwed on silencers to his Glocks, sheathed them, and pulled out his knife. “Lets start stealth, but we always screw these up anyway.”

“Not always.”

“About sixty percent of the time,” Joel amended. “but for once, I don't care.”

“Right then, I got front, if I fuck up, you two can bring in the big guns. As always Joel, cover me.”

“In what?”

I ignored him.

We moved quickly, not really bothered with stealth. The clang of my boots on the floor was too loud to mask anyway. After a minute of quickly sneaking through the rusty corridors, we heard a voice.

“Yo, didja hear about what happened to Zippo and his gang?”

“Course I did, they got decimated. Fucking half breeds. Think they're so good.”

Shyvanna scowled, sparks forming in her mane.

“Dude, if I ever met her, she'd be pulp in ten seconds flat.”

“Bullshit, you couldn't hurt a fly.”

“Oh, you so sure about that?”

“Yeah! I am!”

“Come at me!”

“I'll buck you up!”

I dropped into a crouch and pulled out Luna. “They're right through here.” I whispered to Joel.

He nodded. “I got the one closest to the door. Lets go.”

I pulled the handle and jumped through the opening. Two youngish dragons stood in the room, one red, the other a bright neon yellow. I jumped forward and tackled the yellow one to the ground. Joel grabbed the red one and plunged the knife into his throat. I stabbed up into yellow's head, feeling Luna pierce through the scales and crush the bone of his skull. I pulled her out again, along with a small deluge of blood and gray matter.

“Goodnight bigot.” I muttered, wiping Luna on his underbelly. I let him fall to the ground.

Shyv stepped into the room. “That was fast.”

Joel shrugged. “We do this a lot.”

“Anything useful in here?”

I looked around. “Nothing we can use, but there's some gems over there if you want.” I said, pointing at the dresser.
There were an assortment of rubies sitting on the shelf.

“I'm not really hungry right now, but you might want to grab those for later.”

I grabbed them and put them next the dragon scales. “Man, I can't believe you ate all that scrap.”

“I was hungry.”

“Fair enough. Actually, that reminds me, shouldn't we be searching all these rooms?”

“I thought we were going to kill everything and then loot.”

“Nah, lets go steal everything first. It's half the fun.”

Joel laughed. “That it is Wards. That it is.”

Over the next half hour we grabbed everything we could find that could be slightly useful, which turned out to be very little. A few more gems for Shyv, a pair of motorcycle handbrakes that we welded onto the blades that we'd pulled from the bikes a few weeks ago, a broken .44 magnum that I took for no particular reason and a single mini-nuke.

I slammed shut the door of the cupboard and stretched. “That was a decent haul.”

“All we found was a bunch of junk and a bit of food.” Shyv said, nibbling on a ruby.

“Well yeah, but that's the fun. If you find a bunch of useful stuff then you don't have to do anything with it. It's making gear out of junk that's the fun part.”

Shyv raised an eyebrow. “I thought you said stealing stuff was the fun part.”

I shrugged. “I like them both. Stealing stuff gives you time to think about what you're going to do with it.” I grinned maliciously. “And you usually end up killing a few people while you're at it.”

“I guess...” Shyv's hears twitched. “Do you hear that?”

“Hear what?”

“I think they found the bodies.”

“Ah, we should probably get the drop on them then. You ready Joel?”

He spun the new blades in a circle and smiled. “I'm always ready.”

“Then lets have some fun.”

“Leave some for me.” Shyv said, her mane shifting into something closer to flame than hair.

I drew the sisters and used my foot to pull the handle of the door. Joel and I grinned at each other and raced down the corridor. We took the turns at breakneck speed, constantly trying to get ahead of each other. Together we skidded to a halt in front a crowd of dragons.

I spun Luna once. “What up fuckers?”

“Pardon?”

I rushed forward, slicing open the closest dragon's throat, spilling blood across the floor and the other dragons. The nearest one swung a claw at me. I ducked the clumsy blow and cut open the dragon's stomach, spilling his guts onto the ground. He crumpled like a leaf, but I was already moving onto my next strike, stabbing Celestia through a green dragon's eye into his brain. Joel completely decapitated a dragon next to me, so I kicked the severed head into another dragon's stomach, trailing blood and a few bits of skin, following it up with three quick slashes to her chest and a final stab through the heart. Joel was a whirlwind of death beside me, cutting through limbs, heads and bodies like they weren't even there.

A gray and red blur sped past me, tackling a dragon who had been about to grab me to the ground. Shyvanna punched him in the nose twice before tearing his throat out with her teeth.

“Whoa, nice kill.”

Shyvanna grinned at me, a chunk of flesh hanging from her canine. “Why thank you.”

“That's creepy. Please don't go cannibal on me.”

“Wasn't planning on it.”

“Good.”

I spun and cut at the nearest dragon, spilling a small amount of blood but not enough to kill. He slashed back, catching my left arm and tearing a large chunk of flesh from it. I hardly noticed. He went down with two massive knives in his face.
There were three dragons left in the room, all clustered together. I grabbed the mini-nuke and threw it at them.

BOOM

The room shook with the force of the explosion, the heart of which was concealed within a mini mushroom cloud. Fire spewed from the center, giving the cloud a deadly glow. After a second the smoke cleared, and all that remained were a trio of blackened skeletons. The bones fell to the floor in a heap.

I burst out laughing. “That. Was. AWESOME! I need to get myself more of those.”

“That was a bit overkill wasn't it?” Shyvanna said, her mouth bloody.

I snorted. “Probably. But it was awesome. It's been a while since I saw an explosion that good.”

“As in?”

“About three weeks.”

Shyv stared at me for a second. “You must have an exciting job.”

I pinched the air. “Little bit.”

“I kinda wish I was a badass assassin now.” Shyvanna said, magically picking small chunks of skin and scales from her teeth.

“Well, Joel and I can probably teach you, but first, food.”

“Indeed.”

I turned and walked down the hall, boots clanking loudly in the sudden silence. I wiped Luna and Celestia on my coat and sheathed them within their pockets. I blew a strand of blue hair off my forehead and sighed contentedly. My inner psychopath was satisfied, for now at least.

“Do you usually just leave rooms of corpses behind?” Shyv asked, catching up to me.

I shrugged. “Pretty much, I'm usually gone by the time they get discovered.”

“What about all the looting you love so much?”

“I generally don't have time to do it, so I enjoy it much more when I do.”

“You had time to do it now.”

“Dragons are unlikely to try to hunt me down afterwards.” I said, smiling. “Although props to the NYPD, they certainly didn't give up.”

“NYPD?”

“New York Police Department. Kinda like the crime division of the Canterlot guards, except human. But they aren't exactly the military.”

“You commit crimes?”

“Well yeah, I'm not a government hired assassin. Not until recently at least. That's why I'm here instead of behind bars. Unfortunately SWAT and the military haven't informed of my...” I paused. “'Arrangement' with the government. I think they're secretly hoping I'll screw up and get myself killed by either of the divisions. But that's not really important anymore.”

“Um, I'll pretend I understood that.”

“Okay.”

I was silent for a full minute.

“Um, this is a kinda long corridor.”

“Yeah, I noticed.” Joel said, popping up me.

“Where the fuck did you come from?”

“Too damn stealth.”

“Apparently.”

We came to a halt in front of a huge door.

“This looks important.” I muttered, pulling the handle.

It didn't budge.

“Oh for fuck's sake.” Shyvanna shouldered past me and melted the handle with a burst of white hot flame. The door sprung open.

“That works.”

The corridor ahead had taken on a noticeable change. Or should I say changeling?

“How was your slaughterfest?” Vi asked, levitating a ball of tiny post apocalyptic food to me.

I grabbed the food. “Looks like you're the only one who is able to do anything useful.” I said with a smile. “We found jack all.”

“I thought you might.” She said, handing Joel a hoofull of green crystals full of pink energy. “Be careful with these, if they break you may end up completely intoxicated with the next pony you see.”

“And why am I getting these?” Joel asked.

“Because I don't really mind if you break them, you're a less likely candidate for cross species relationships.”

“Sorry, what?” I asked indignantly. “I am perfectly happy with a human woman thank you very much.”

“Really?”

“I think I would notice.”

“What about the crush you had on the humanized version of Luna?”

“Fuck off. I never had a crush on Luna.”

Vi laughed. “No, you didn't. You just really liked her character.”

I thought for a second. “You're either implying something, or you are acknowledging that I'm a completely normal, slightly insane human being.”

“I guess you just have to figure it out yourself.”

“I hate you.”

Author's Note

Fun fact, today, the Matt Smith of David Tennant (the Eleventh of the tenth [eleventh of October]), is my birthday. Woo.

28: Running.

Honor the Dead
by BinaryTroll
Pre-read/Edited by Honored Service
Chapter 28: “Running.”

After stocking up on provisions from the vault, we continued walking, raiding vaults, and talking about random unimportant stuff. Here's a brief summary:

Week 1: Woooo! Food!

Week 2: I'm bored.

Week 3: Where's Canterlot?

Week 4: Seriously, where the fuck is Canterlot?

Week 5: WHAT THE HELL VI?

So after our fifth week of walking, the plains finally ended.

“Fucking finally!” I groaned, flopping onto the ground. The Everfree loomed on the horizon, dark, mysterious and a hell of a lot more interesting than barren plains.

“We aren't out of the woods yet.” Joel said, dragging me upward. “Or should I say, into the woods yet.”

I shook my head and sighed. “Goddammit Joel.”

“Canterlot is still a long way off, at least another week away.” Vi said.

“Don't care, forest is more interesting than plains.”

“You said we'd reach Canterlot in three weeks.” Shyvanna complained. “It's been at least double that!”

“I've only made this journey once in my life, and that was by air. It's kind of hard to exactly calculate the difference between walking and flying, especially when you're running for your life.” Vi replied angrily. “And besides, look at us. A changeling, hated by almost every race in Equestria, a half-dragon, a species that was never meant to be, and two relics of a long forgotten age of fire, pain and death. We aren't exactly going to be welcomed with open hooves.”

Shyv kicked a stone towards the forest. “I know, but I'm sick of walking, I could tolerate all the hate if I got a shower and a decent bed.”

Vi laughed. “You aren't the only one.”

“I would kill for a shower right now.” I muttered. “Although that's not really saying much.”

“Hey Wards?”

I looked up. “Yeah?”

“Race you.”

“What?”

Joel accelerated into a a black and green blur, leaving me coughing in the dust.

“Oh you mother fucker. Get back here!” I sprinted off after him.

A race huh? I smiled inwardly. Why the hell not? I pushed my legs harder. Well, I'm not planning on being beaten.
I pumped my arms and leaned forward, running almost entirely off the balls of my feet. I felt my coat pulling at my chest and arms as I accelerated further. Joel was getting closer. I jumped, for no reason. To my surprise, my coat caught the air and I remained in the air for a full second, just floating. I hit the ground running.

“WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” I raised a fist to the sky, still running. “That was fucking awesome!”

I closed my eyes and leaned even further forward, feeling my speed increase even more. For some reason, my arms had ended up behind me, in a delta fashion. I mentally shrugged. Whatever, it's probably more aerodynamic at this point anyway.
I couldn't feel the long grass whipping at my arms and legs anymore. That's odd. I opened my eyes...

Just in time to run into a tree.

“Ow.” I groaned, sliding slowly down the bark onto the ground.

I felt someone tap me on the shoulder. “You okay Wardo?”

“Ah think ah broke ma nose.” I said thickly, picking myself up. My hand went to my nose. “Yup, definitely broken.”

Blood ran down my face, back through my nose and into my mouth. It tasted coppery. Maybe with a hint of rosemary. My blood is weird. I wiped it away and sighed.

I took a deep breath. “Alright, I can breathe fine.” I coughed and spat out a globule of blood. “Except for that.”

I heard a thump behind me. “Edward?”

I turned around. “Hi.”

Shyv recoiled. “What the-”

I held up a hand to silence her. “Yeah, broke my nose.”

“I'm slightly more concerned by the fact that it seems to be rearranging itself.”

I blinked. “Sorry, what?”

“There are like... tentacles coming out of your nose. And they're mending it.” She retched. “And it looks disgusting.”

I tapped my nose. Sure enough I could feel something writhing there. I kept my finger there and the tendrils pushed it away.

“That's not normal.”

“Ya think?”

I crossed my eyes, trying to get a look at the things that were reassembling my nose. “Well, this probably explains a few things.”

Shyv looked sick. “Can you stop it?”

“I don't think so. I don't know why I'd want to though either. This is cool.”

“No, it's creepy.”

I heard Vi land behind me. “What's all this about?”

I turned around and grinned.

She took a step back. “WHAT THE BUCK?”

I waved my hand casually. “Yes, yes, creepy nose things. Anyway, where to now?”

She pointed to the heart of the Everfree with a hoof. “Over there, but seriously. What the buck?”

I spun around and started walking. “I have no idea what these things are and I don't really care. We can look it up in the library when we get to Canterlot.”

“So that's not just some human thing?”

“Nope.”

“Right.”

I resisted the urge to scratch my nose and instead looked around. The Everfree was dark, even at this time of day. The trees seemed to reach out and claw at me from the darkness. Giggle at the ghosties. I looked back and flipped off the tree I had ran into. Or give them the one finger salute. Whatever works.

“What was that in aid of?” Joel asked.

“For being in my way.”

“You're weird, you know that?” Vi said.

I raised an eyebrow. “Did you expect an assassin from a race that hasn't been seen for hundreds of years until recently who is an outcast even from his own species to be normal?”

Vi sighed. “Point made, point taken.”

“Ten points to Griffindor!”

Joel facepalmed. “Dammit Wards.”

“Anyhoo, onwards!” I did a pointless front-flip and ran off again.

Running at top speed through a forest was insanity. I thought that normal freerunning was insane, but this... this was a hell of a ride.

My brain was working on overdrive. Every tree root, bush and rock could send me face-first into the ground, and I had to cope with that whilst dodging left and right through the upcoming trees as well. I spun right, jumped and grabbed onto a tree branch. Using my momentum, I swung my self upwards onto the branch and sprang forwards again. I kicked off a tree to my right, sending me narrowly out of the way of some hanging vines. I hurtled towards the next tree and grinned.
Everything clicked in my head. I put my hands out in front of me and let my arms and shoulders take the impact. I let my legs and lower body fly upward, until I felt my heels smack into the bark. I pushed off with my hands and began to run again, this time directly upwards.

“Suck it gravity!” I yelled to the world. As I reached the upper branches of the tree, I grabbed one and used it to slingshot myself into the air. I rose up above the Everfree, watching it from above. Off in the distance, I could see mountains. And at the peak, I could finally see Canterlot. The end was in sight!

And then I looked down. “Oh mother fucker.” I muttered. “I just remembered why I am afraid of heights.”

So I flew like a rock. Fortunately, I didn't land like one. I raised my arms to shield my face from the branches. I'd like to keep my eyes thank you very much. I could feel the sharp limbs whip at my forearms and hair, although they didn't hurt. I opened my eyes as I fell through the last of the canopy.

“Please work.” I muttered. I coiled myself up and waited.

There! I kicked out, striking a solid branch and propelling myself forward. As the ground rushed up to meet me, I stuck my hands out in a diamond shape. “Tuck and roll.” My hands hit the leafy ground first, closely followed by my shoulder. From there, I rolled forward and to my feet.

I fist pumped. “Fuck yeah! Good thing I never studied anything past basic physics.”

I heard a scuff behind me. Suddenly a figure launched out of the trees, flipping sideways over my head and landing softly on the ground in front of me.

“What up Wardo?”

I laughed. “Nothing much. I know what Canterlot looks like now.”

He raised an eyebrow. “How?”

“Tree branches are rather elastic.” I said mysteriously.

He crossed his arms. “Right. So how how far away are we?”

I grinned. “Too close to wait. So lets go!”

“By the way, your nose is fixed.”

I put my palm on my face. Yup, nose was indeed fixed. “Good to know. Now, ONWARD!”

I launched myself towards the nearest tree, spinning in the air like a drill. Using the spinning motion I gripped the tree and launched myself off again, flipping forward and sideways. I hit the ground running.

I ran straight for about a hundred meters before diving to avoid a large boulder that had sprung up into my path. I jumped over a smaller rock and continued my flight. As my eyes darted back and forth across my path, I noticed something odd. Rocks littered the area, and the trees began to seem small and sickly.

I raised an eyebrow. “That's new.” I returned my gaze to the front and almost crashed into a tree again, only just managing to juke out of the way in time. “And that was close.”

“YO!” Joel leveled with me. “You want to do something awesome?”

“I'm always up for some awesome. Where to?”

Joel waved his arm. “Follow me.” He angled off to our left. I followed, hot on his heels.

“So, what's all this about?” I asked, dodging a thorn bush.

Joel smiled. “You'll see.”

I rolled my eyes.

“Right, run ahead a bit.”

I put on an extra boost of speed and leaped forward, now running in front of Joel.

“Ready?”

“For what?”

“Throw me!”

I stretched out an arm and felt Joel grab it. I spun and transferred my momentum to Joel to send him flying forward through the trees.

I started running again. “Okay, what the fuck was that about?” I called after Joel.

“Watch out! There's a-”

I tripped and almost fell down a huge crack in the earth, only just saved by quick reflexes. “Oh shit!”

“Cliff.” Joel finished, standing on the other side.

“So, what was the point of that?” I asked, staring down the bottomless hole.

“To get me across, what do you think?”

“Uh, what about me?”

Joel shrugged. “You'll figure something out.”

“Wow.”

“Love you too Wards.” He sped off.

“If only I had a pair of fucking wings.” I muttered.

I made my way up to the top of a nearby tree and looked around. Two shapes were slowly criss-crossing their way over the forest, looking for something.

I facepalmed an almost fell of the branch I was balancing on. “Why didn't I think of this before?”

“Edward! Joel! Where are you?”

I smiled, maybe I didn't have to take the long way after all. I cupped my hands around my mouth. “OVER HERE!” I shouted jumping up and down on the branch. One of the shapes swung towards me.

Shyvanna dived towards me, coming to a halt just before colliding with me. “Where have you been?” She asked, looking murderous.

“Heh.” I ran my hand through my hair. “Sorry.”

She sighed. “Seriously, don't run off like that. You could have gotten yourself killed.”

“I ran face first into a tree at some insane speed and only broke my nose. I think I'd be fine.”

She looked around. “Where's Joel?”

“Ah, and that is why I need your help.”

“With what?”

“You mind flying me over that ravine?” I said, pointing in it's general direction.

She crossed her forelegs. “I should be able to, why?”

“I kinda threw Joel over it and now I can't cross it myself.”

“Right. And why did you throw Joel over it?”

“Cause he asked me to.”

She blinked. “You humans are crazy, you know that?”

I rolled my eyes. “I noticed.”

“Okay, I'll carry you. But first, promise me you won't run away again like that.”

I sighed. “I can't promise it, but I'll try not to.”

“That'll have to do.” She flew over and picked me up under my arms. “Now then. Lets fly.”

I closed my eyes. “And I'm still afraid of fucking heights.” I muttered before being jerked off the branch.

Shyvanna unceremoniously dumped me on the other side of the gap. “Now, wait here while I get Vi.”

I groaned. “Don't take too long.”

“I'll try not to.”

Meanwhile in Canterlot.

"FORCED TIME OF LEAVE?!" Honored yelled at the three alicorns seated on their thrones across from him in the massive throne room. The damage from the battle between the human Nightmare and him were well repaired.

"What the hell is that anyway?"

"We all feel that after the constant strain that the last year and half has had on you," Luna spoke
first, using her words to try and calm the angry human, "that you be given some paid vacation time."

"Oh. Well that's okay." Honored said, calming down immediately.

"Really?" Celestia said her eyes widening in surprise.

"Sure." He waved a hand at them. "After saving the day for the umpteenth time I guess I could use a vacation."

"We have all decided to post you in Ponyville to begin your recovery and new assignment." Twilight smiled as she floated a scroll over to herself and cleared her throat. "Let it be known that on this day, Lieutenant Honored Service of the Equestrian Honor Guard is to be stationed in Ponyville as a reserve action force. He is also to learn lessons on friendship and how to solve problems without resorting to violence."

Honored coughed politely.

"Ugh." Twilight floated a quill up and scribbled something into the margin of the scroll, "solving problems without violence right from the start."

"Thank you." He smiled kindly to the alicorn and waited for the trio to continue.

"Honored, I figured the salary you were paid and then back paid for the year you were gone should be a significant amount to live your life in Ponyville."

"And that would be...?"

"Around 78,613 bits." Twilight said matter of factly.

"Sure, I guess that's okay. Still have no idea what the monetary value system is here." Honored shrugged. "Well let me collect my things and I guess I can get moving."

"To Ponyville."

"To a boring life of nothingness." I hung my head.

"No more creature slaying." Princess Celestia said.

"No more running around and slashing things willy-nilly." Luna added with a smile.

"No more being a homicidal manic that acts first and asks questions later." Twilight stated.

Honored looked at the three Princess and then towards a window across the room. Back to the Princesses. Back to the window.

Princesses. Window.

"Honored..." Twilight warned.

Window. Princesses. Window. Princesses. "Alright fine." He sighed.

At least he would get to live a completely boring and normal life.

Shit.

Author's Note

I stole Honored's stuff because I'm lazy. Sue me.

Also sorry for the wait.

I'm not that sorry.

I'm kind of sorry.

I need to make up my mind.

Does anyone have cake?

29: Welcome to Canterlot. Bitch.

Honor the Dead
by BinaryTroll
Pre-read/Edited by Honored Service
Chapter 29: “Welcome to Canterlot. Bitch.”

We sat around a fire in the middle of the Everfree, with Canterlot looming on the horizon. The moon had risen, a small sliver of white in the sky. Joel had recently turned up with YOLO painted on his back in bright red paint. It didn't come off.

Vi raised an eyebrow. “Poison joke I presume?”

“The little blue flowers?” Joel asked.

“Yes.”

“Yeah, I fell into a patch of those.” Joel sighed. “And now this fucking thing won't come off.”

“Have you tried taking your hoodie off?” I asked, still laughing a bit.

“It's literally tattooed onto my back forever, no matter what I'm wearing.”

I erupted into fits of laughter again. “Sucks to be you.”

He sighed. “Quite”

Shyv flopped onto the ground beside me. “I'm hungry.”

I searched my pockets for any traces of food. Nothing. “We need to get some food. Vi, where's the closest vault?”

“You've raided all the ones I know of.” She said. “If you need food your going to have to go hunting for it yourself.”

“Oh good. And for some reason the Everfree seems completely deserted of all life.”

“It isn't, everything is just afraid of you.”

I groaned. “So what the hell do we do?”

“Hunt down your prey, just like any other wild animal.”

Shyv growled. “I can't exactly hunt down gems you know. I didn't inherit that little trait unfortunately.”

I raised a finger. “And also, did you just compare us to wild animals?”

“Yes. Yes I did.”

“Thanks. That's really good for my self esteem.”

Joel sighed. “I really can't be fucked hunting right now.”

I lay back and yawned. “Neither. What do you want to do?”

“Sleep?” Shyv suggested.

“I can't sleep on an empty stomach.”

She raised an eyebrow. “So... hunting.”

I groaned and propped myself up on one elbow. “There had better be something nearby, cause I am really sick of walking.”

“Bye.” Joel said, waving at me before rolling over onto his face.

“Thanks for your help.” I said sarcastically.

“Anytime.”

I strode off into the trees and sighed. I could really use some white meat. Maybe I could find a cockatrice. Or you know, an actual fucking chicken. Although, I wouldn't mind a griffon. Might be interesting. I wonder what dragon meat is like? Probably shit.

I took out one of the dragon scales and examined it. It was one of Zippo's. Geez, I still remember his name. That's kinda weird. Anyway, I ran a finger of the edge of it. It was slightly sharp, but not cutting. It also seemed to be slightly jagged. I flipped it over. It had a bunch of small spines running over it, as well as a piece of what appeared to be meat. Rotting meat. I flicked it off with a finger.

I put the edge of the scale in my mouth and bit down. It was hard, but organic. I tried bending it with my teeth. It flexed but didn't break. Interesting, probably useful for free movement. I threw it up and caught it. Fairly lightweight too. I should send this off to Cameron when Dan finishes repairs.

I sighed and pocketed the scale. I should probably go hide somewhere. Pulling out Luna, I climbed up one of the many trees and lay down on one of its branches. It creaked quietly as I settled myself in for a long wait.

A long wait (5 minutes) later

Okay, bored now. I swung down off the branch and landed with a soft crunch on the leaves below, sheathing Luna as I fell. Keeping my ears and eyes open, I quickly but quietly made my way through the oddly still trees. Small rustling noises surrounded me, but they were too quiet to have been made by anything larger that a squirrel or rat. Although, a squirrel might be enough to feed me for a night.

There was a quiet thump behind me. I spun around, instantly on guard. There was a gray squirrel lying on the ground, unmoving. I approached it cautiously. Something about it looked... wrong. I inched closer and prodded it with a foot. It was rock solid. In fact, it was made of rock.

Cockatrice for dinner. Excellent.

I dropped myself into a crouch and scanned the area. No movement. I drew out the ballistic knife and loaded it.
I heard a hiss from behind me and to my left. Spinning around, I brought the ballistic knife up into a firing position.
A pair of glowing red eyes loomed out of the underbrush, accompanied by the outline of a large cockatrice (aka food). I grinned and shot a knife in the general direction of the beast, missing by about a meter. But it didn't really matter. I leaped forward, bringing my left hand around to crash into the cockatrice’s skull. It collided with a satisfying crunch. I propped myself up on my right hand and spun my legs around follow up. I caught one of it's outstretched wings with my toe, sending it spinning to the ground with a pained hiss. I pulled out the combat knife and put the chicken-snake out of it's misery.
Behind me I heard the squirrel stirring. It chattered once and bounded away before I could even turn around. I shrugged and sighed. The cockatrice was large enough to feed both Joel and I for tonight as well as breakfast tomorrow anyway. I picked up my gristly trophy and slung it over my shoulder. Impaled in a nearby tree was my ballistic knife, although it had bent slightly from the impact. I shrugged, it could still be useful.

As I turned to make my way back to the camp, I realized something. I have no idea where the fuck I am.

Shit.

And I just mentally swore twice in as many seconds in actual distress. Man, I really am fucked.

Thrice.

I cut my mind off and sighed. Now would be a good time to think of a plan. Like, how to get back to camp and barbecue this cockatrice. On a campfire. A very hot, bright campfire. That could be seen for miles. By anybody. At all.
Probably combing this place in a grid pattern would be the best idea.

I sighed and started walking. To do this properly I'd need some sort of marker or markers to show where I've been. Also, a bird's eye view would help me get my bearings and allow me to see further. I dumped the corpse of the cockatrice on the ground and started climbing. I reached the upper branches withing a few seconds and looked around. I was met with a thick canopy, with a few small clearings dotted around. And right in front of me, just a couple of hundred meters away, a campfire was burning.

I face palmed. This is why I need caffeine. I swung down from the branch and dropped to the ground with a light crunch. Slinging the cockatrice over my shoulder once again, I set off back in the direction of my friends.

Vi and Joel were quietly conversing about something or other while Shyv silently lay on the ground, her eyes drooping. I tossed the cockatrice into the middle of the group, making them all jump.

“What up?” I said, flicking the bent ballistic knife in the air.

“Dinner apparently.” Joel said, pointedly wiping the cockatrice's blood off his face. “I hope cockatrice blood isn't corrosive.”

Vi frowned. “That would be silly.”

“Says the talking bug pony who eats emotions.”

“That makes perfect sense though. What are you talking about?”

I sat down and started sawing at the neck of the cockatrice with the serrated back edge of my combat knife. “Yes, I can totally see how that makes perfect evolutionary sense.”

“What about you, you talking hairless monkey?”

“Uh, I'm very proud of my hair thank you very much.” I ran my hand through it. “It's blue now. Nice and shiny and blue.” Vi stared at me while Joel and Shyv laughed silently off to the side. “But anyway, I'm not really sure why we evolved this way, but I'm sure I could find out. If I had access to Google. And a degree in human biology. And lots of books.” I paused. “You know what? Never mind.”

“Dinner?” Joel suggested casually.

“Right, that thing, yeah.” I began sawing again.

“Find any gems?” Shyv asked hopefully.

“No but...” I rummaged around in my pocket. “You can have this.” I held out the bent knife blade.

She took it and studied it. “Isn't this one of your weapons?”

“Yeah, but you're more important.”

“Oh, thank you.”

“Also it's broken. So at this point it's not of too much use to me anyway.”

She sighed. “You really do know how to ruin a moment don't you?”

I laughed, with maybe just a hint of sadness. “Yeah, my specialty.”

I finished cutting through the cockatrice’s neck and tossed it away into the darkness behind me, before starting to pluck it. Shyv wrinkled her nose in disgust before biting a chunk out of the broken knife. Vi sighed and settled onto the ground.
“You know, nobody ever thinks about how much of a pain it is to pluck a chicken. It's so boring. Like, 'pick out a feather, pick out a feather, pick out a feather, move the chicken a bit, etc etc.' I mean really, how can people stand doing this?” I muttered, constantly adding to the small pile of feathers by my side.

“Good thing that's a cockatrice, huh?” Joel commented, his eyes closed.

I sighed and flicked a flight feather towards him. “Touché.”

Way too many plucked feathers later

I had speared a stick through the cockatrice and was now slowly roasting it over the fire. “You know, they probably boil the feathers off or something. I think I read that in a book once. But seriously, fuck plucking chickens. Or cockatrices. Or other feathered animals. Even though birds are the only feathered animals. I think. I should look that up. Does a cockatrice count as a bird or a snake? Probably a bird, since snakes are generally known for not having limbs. And the snake tail thing could probably count as scaly legs with a bit of imagination and/or blindness. Why do I care? Because I'm curious. Why am I curious? Because I was born this way. I think.”

“Can you shut up please?” Shyv groaned. “Some of us are trying to sleep.”

“And some of us are waiting to eat. Which is me. And Joel. But mostly me.” I replied, slowly spinning the cockatrice roasting stick.

“That doesn't mean you have to talk to yourself.”

“I'm not talking to myself, I'm talking to Joel.”

Joel put up his hand. “And I'm not listening.”

Shyv sighed. “Either way, can you either talk less or talk quietly?”

“How much you gonna pay me?”

“I don't have any money.”

“In that case, I am physically incapable of shutting up.”

“Ugh. Hey Vi, do you know a spell that can block sound?”

Vi smiled. “All you had to do was ask.”

A green bubble shimmered around Shyv for a second before disappearing into the inky blackness of the night. She contentedly settled back on the grass before closing her eyes. Vi cast her own bubble and lay down in a similar position.

I laughed quietly. “Clever girl.”

“Would've been nice if she could have made me one too.” Joel said, eyes closed.

“What, don't you like listening to my late night rambling?”

“No.”

“Thanks.” I muttered sarcastically.

“You're welcome.”

After a few more minutes, the cockatrice had finished cooking. I took it off the fire and started cutting out the breast, dicing the tail and otherwise preparing it to be eaten. “Dinner!”

Joel sat up, yawning. “Excellent. I call tail.”

“You got it.” I finished slicing and skinning the tail and handed it to Joel. “One tail, as ordered. Anything else sir?”

“That will be all.”

“Very good sir.” I picked up the breast meat I had cut out and started on it.

“You know...” Joel said through a mouthful of cockatrice meat. “You aren't really cut out to be a butler.”

I tore a shred of meat off the ribcage. “Why not?”

“Well, for a start, butlers generally don't wear ragged black coats that look like they've come straight out of Kingdom Hearts.”

“Well sorry for not wearing an immaculate suit.” I muttered sarcastically.

“Also, most butlers have a higher voice than yours.”

“Come on man, have you ever even talked with a butler?”

“Oh, and most butlers don't put on a bad British accent.”

“Shut up. I can't do accents well.”

“I noticed.”

I finished the breast and took one of the wings. “Want one?” I asked, handing Joel the other wing.

“Sure.” He took it and sighed. “Man, you don't realize how good spices are until you lose them.”

“I know eh. First thing I'm doing when we get to Canterlot, buy some goddamn spice. I wonder if Equestria has a Mexico?”

Joel shrugged. “Probably not. Speaking of which, we're almost there. Like, tomorrow afternoon.”

I finished the wing and tossed the bones away. “Heh, better rest up then. I'm running all the way there.”

Joel grinned. “Race you.”

“Tomorrow my friend. Tomorrow.”

The next afternoon, Canterlot throne room

I rolled my eyes and yawned. Six hours of listening to rich fools complaining about how they lost money in the war.
At least they didn't lose their lives. Ungrateful little-

“Sister? Are you okay?”

Damn it. “Sorry, we are just rather tired. This is interrupting our normal sleeping patterns, as you well know.”
Princess Celestia, Princess of the sun, ruler of Equestria and my sister, smiled. “Nopony uses the royal we anymore, remember?”

I need coffee. “Sorry sister, continue.”

She returned her attention to the cluster of boring ponies in suits. “As I was saying, yes you do require compensation, but I cannot provide it at this point in time. There are far too many in less fortunate situations than yourself.”

The purple pony she was addressing slammed his hoof down on the table. “They have been dealt with now! This is my business we are speaking about!”

“And it is the future of the kingdom we are concerned about!” Twilight replied, looking positively murderous. I imagine I must have looked much the same at this point.

My sister sighed. “Hush Twilight.” She turned back to the pretentious purple prick.“But she does have a point, your business is currently not required in the repair of the kingdom or helping others in need, especially those who were caught in the worst of the war. In fact, I have half a mind to shut it down right now.”

That shut him up. I scanned the crowd of ponies that had assembled in the throne room. Who was next?

A white pony with a blond mane stepped forward. “In that case, what of the businesses that are required? Why do you not help them?”

My sister's eye twitched noticeably. She glared down at Prince Blueblood. “Probably because ponies keep interrupting me.”

“Then surely you can dismiss them?”

I raised my eyebrows. “Okay then, out you go.” I said, pointing at the door.

“What? But- I-”

“Out.”

“You can't-”

“Out.”

“But-”

My eyes flashed. “Out.”

He hung his head and slowly walked over to the door. Placing his hoof on the handle, he turned. “You'll regret this.”

And then the door exploded in his face.

On the other side of the door

I felt the wood splinter slightly beneath my foot as I kicked the huge double doors in. I felt them hit a body before
swinging all the way open and crashing into the walls, making the entire room shudder.

“WHAT'S UP BITCHES?” I yelled, spinning Luna and Celestia around my fingers.

I was met with room full of ponies, including Luna and Celestia themselves. There was also another purple alicorn by Celestia's side. She was wearing the element of magic.

“Twilight?” My eyes flicked between the three princesses. “Okay. What the fuck did I miss?”

Author's Note

Sorry for the wait.

31: Baths and whatnot.

Honor the Dead
by BinaryTroll
Pre-read/Edited by Honored Service
Chapter 31: “Baths and whatnot.”

“What do you mean?” Luna asked, despite her obvious surprise.

I looked pointedly at Twilight. “Last I checked, Twily here-” I gestured in her general direction. “Wasn't an alicorn. So, once again, what the actual fuck?”

Twilight was the second to regain her wits. “That's none of your business! I demand to know why you broke down the door and began speaking in such an uncivilized manner!”

I raised an eyebrow. “Making demands now? I guess you really are becoming a princess.” I sniffed. “I don't really like that. Also, I would have thought Luna would be the one telling me off here, not you. In fact, I didn't exactly expect to meet you for another week or more. Especially not alicorn you. How are the wings by the way? I've always wanted a pair of wings.”

She scowled. “Still none of your business.”

“Fuck off, wings are always my business. I love wings. Wings are the shit.” I cut myself off before I got into a wing rant. “Anyway...” I looked around and noticed the bleeding body of Prince Blueblood at my feet. “Why did no one tell me I killed this guy? I probably could have gotten good money from a proper assassination.” I looked to the crowd. “I am now auctioning payment for the murder of Prince Blueblood. Anybody who wishes to pay, step right up.”

A few of the ponies looked like they were going to put a hoof up, but looked back to the three princesses and decided against it. Celestia finally stood up. “I cannot allow you to just waltz in here and murder one of my subjects, however hated. My student asked and you ignored her. I doubt you will be so quick to ignore me. Who are you and why are you here human?”

I grinned. “Oh man, I love it when you go all badass.” I pulled out the FAMAS and aimed it at her. “But yeah, I'm a control freak. And I really want to know what's going on. So, how about we kick this off again with less hostility and me with the advantage of a gun pointed in your general direction?”

“I'm not sure if that is less hostility.” Joel said, finally arriving to stand beside me. “Also, you do realize that you have almost no chance of hitting them at this range right? I know how bad a shot you are.”

“Shut up, they don't know that.”

“We do now.” Luna said with a smile.

I dropped the FAMAS and slung it back across my back. “Dammit Joel.”

“Always happy to be of service.” He said with a smile.

I rolled my eyes and sighed. “Okay, for the third time. Can somepony please tell me why Twilight is an alicorn?”

Celestia sighed. “Twilight has become the alicorn of magic due to her thorough understanding of friendship.”

“And friendship is magic. Although, apparently most things connected to emotions are magic.”

“How do you know this?” Celestia asked.

I shrugged. “Putting stuff together from previous knowledge of the show and discussions about changeling biology. You should really learn about it. It's cool.”

Celestia considered this briefly and then dismissed it. “Okay then, my turn. State your name, rank and intention. Both of you.”

“Edward, assassin/mercenary thing and a hot shower.”

“Joel, also an assassin and I would also love a hot shower. And some food.”

I nodded in agreement. “And some food. Also coffee.”

“Yes, we cannot forget the coffee.”

I heard footsteps from behind me and turned. Shyvanna and Vi were cantering up the hallway towards us. “Where did you go running off to?”

“Where did we go running off to?” Shyv imitated angrily. “What about you two? I thought we'd lost you!” She looked around. “Where are we anyway?”

I stepped aside. “Welcome to the throne room of Princesses Luna and Celestia, which was presumably in day court until I kicked down the door and possibly killed Prince Blueblood.” There were several scattered exclamations about the presence of a changeling, including one shouting 'kill it with fire!'. “Also, yes it's a changeling, and no, you will not continue breathing if you keep that shit up.”

“Who are you calling it?” Vi asked.

“You presumably. Although there could be other changelings here.”

“That wasn't what I was referring to.”

I smiled. “I know.”

“You're a pain in the flank, you know that?”

“Yet you still bothered tracking me down.”

She considered that briefly. “Touché.”

I rolled my eyes and readdressed the princesses. “At this point, we should probably do something about the fact that a good fifty ponies, and not ponies I trust in any way, now know of the presence of a changeling, a half-dragon and two humans in Canterlot.”

“You were the idiot who insisted on charging in here and breaking the door down.” Shyv muttered.

“Shut up, I've been planning that for ages.”

“I think it was worth it.” Joel said.

“You're calling worth?”

“I'm calling worth.”

“Well then,” I turned my attention to the crowd.“Under pain of death, which I seriously have no problems with, knowledge of my presence is not to leave this room. In fact, memory wipe would be great, know anything about that Vi?”

“Sadly, no.”

“Damn. Luna?”

Luna considered my proposition. “I should be able to do so, but I would recommend we leave to discuss matters more privately. Besides, there is little point in erasing their memories if they just encounter you again.”

“Good point. In that case, I'll meet you at the library.”

Luna smiled and nodded. “We shall see you there.”

“Wait a minute, what about our rights? We have a right to maintain our memories of any and all events! Memory spells are illegal!” Piped up a voice from the crowd.

I laughed. “You do realize that Luna and Celestia basically created those laws and, if they are in agreement, can withdraw them at any time? Besides, you won't remember your rights being violated anyway. For all you know, this is the third time we've had this conversation.” I winked at Luna.

She rolled her eyes but smiled in spite of herself. “He speaks truly, and I am getting rather tired of hearing the same conversation over and over again. If you could leave please?”

I smiled. “All you had to do was ask.”

Later, in the Canterlot library

“Prince Blueblood will live, he was not seriously injured and will make a steady recovery.” Celestia reported. “Although, I do not appreciate the way you manipulated my sister and I into wiping the memories of our subjects, nor how you threatened us.”

I shrugged. “I have no idea how killing Blueblood would really matter, and I might have been able to kick start a business off that. In regards to manipulating you, it was either that or killing a few, if not all of the ponies in that room. Threatening you? As I said, I'm a control freak, blame it on my upbringing.”

“That doesn't excuse your actions.”

I sighed. “Everything's fine though, so lets just shut up about it and move on.”

She scowled. “For now perhaps.”

Apparently it's the princess of the sun that needs to lighten up. How's that for irony? “Yes you're mad at me, I get it. Now enough of the scowling.”

Her face went to a neutral expression that did little to hide her distaste.

I sighed. “Fuck it, keep scowling, that's even worse.”

Luna rolled her eyes. “Sister! Give him a chance. I'm sure he had a good reason for his actions. He just doesn't want to tell us.”

“Yup. Totally that. Trust me.”

“I don't.” Celestia muttered.

“And that is probably a wise decision. Now, onto things greater than ourselves! Do you have a shower I could use? I'm filthy.”

“I second that.” Joel said.

“Yeah, a shower would be great.” Shyv said, combing some dust out of her mane and letting it fall to the ground.

Celestia's eyes narrowed. “Why this so suddenly?”

I lifted my left arm. “Three, two, one...”

Everybody gagged.

I lowered my arm. “That's why.”

“Dammit Wards.” Joel muttered, coughing.

“But still, why now?” Celestia choked out, still looking slightly green.

I shrugged. “Because my brain reminded me? I don't know. I just thought 'I need a shower' so I asked if you have a shower.”

“You won't hear any objections from me.” Luna muttered, her head encased in a clear blue bubble.

“I suppose it would be a good idea if you did clean up a bit.” Celestia conceded, after coughing one last time.

“Thank you.” I stood up and headed to the door. “Wait a second. Where am I going?”

“To the showers.” Joel said.

“No shit. I mean, where is the shower?”

Celestia eyed me suspiciously. “What do you mean where is the shower?”

“Exactly what I said.”

“You mean, you have no idea where you are going to have a shower?” Luna asked.

“I assumed you knew somewhere...”

Luna and Celestia exchanged looks.

“Oh god.” I sighed. “Please tell me you know somewhere.”

“You could use the showers in the barracks.” Luna suggested.

“Unless you feel like wiping the memory of most of you military, which would be unwise considering it's current state, that is likely out of the question.” Vi interjected.

Luna nodded. “But those are the only showers in the castle, and the only baths are...”

“Yeah. I can see where this is going.” I interrupted.

“So now what?” Joel asked.

“I still would like a bath of some form.” Shyv muttered.

Celestia raised an eyebrow. “So it's a bath now?”

I shrugged. “Apparently.”

“So where are we going to go?”

Silence.

I sighed. “Well, it's either slow death by smell, or you let us use your bath.”

“I hate awkward situations.” Shyv sighed.

I rolled my eyes. “Don't follow me then, they swarm me like flies.”

“That's a rather interesting comparison.” Luna commented.

Joel sniffed and took a step away from me. “It's pretty accurate.”

“Oh shut up.”

Luna considered for a little while, and then said. “I will let you use my bath, just don't touch anything else.”

I bowed to her. “Thank you. I always new you were the better sister.”

Celestia frowned.

I laughed. “That probably just made you hate me more. Oh well, jokes aside, can we please get on with this?”

Luna smiled. “As you wish.”

One bath later

“Bloody hell! I forgot How nice it feels to be- Wait. Where are my clothes?” I looked around the bathroom. “You have got to be fucking kidding me.” I opened the door and looked around. “Who the fuck stole my clothes?”

Luna smirked at me. “I thought, since they were so dirty, you might have wanted them to be washed.”

“My coat has a bunch of stuff in the pockets! Please tell me you took them out first. Also, fuck you.”

She laughed. “It doesn't take long to magically clean clothing.”

I blinked. “Give me my fucking clothes.”

“You are rather fond of using colorful language, aren't you?”

I stretched my hand around the doorway. “Clothes. Then we talk.”

She rolled her eyes in mock frustration. “Fine. Here.” She levitated my pants, shirt and underwear over.

I snatched them from midair and slammed the door. That's the third time I had my clothes stolen. Fuck me. I pulled my pants on and checked the pockets. I still had that packet of gum. I pulled it out. The wrapper was a mess and the gum itself was basically just goop, but I still took a piece out and started chewing it anyway.

I opened the door and stretched. “God that feels good!”

Luna raised an eyebrow. “You know, I would have though you would be a bit more colorful.”

“As in?”

“You're dressed entirely in black. Even your undergarments are black.”

“So? Are you questioning my fashion choices?”

She smirked. “A little bit, yes.”

I sighed. “You certainly wouldn't be the first. Anyway, where are my socks, boots and coat? Also my weapons. That's probably more important. Oh, and where did everybody else go?”

“My sister probably went back to her room, along with your weapons. The others are either in the library or outside. As for your boots and coat, they seem to have an unnaturally high resistance to magic so I sent them off to be cleaned properly. I incinerated your socks.”

“Dammit! What'd you do that for?”

“They smelled.” She said simply.

“But now my feet will chafe...” I complained.

Luna rolled her eyes. “Suck it up, you can get a new pair.”

“So wait, how come you're still here?”

“This is my room.”

I blinked. “Oh yeah.” Fuck. “I'll just be going.”

She sighed and pulled out a comic book. “Send in whoever you find next.”

“Okay then.” I stepped outside.

“You took your time Wards.” Joel said, standing up from where he had been sitting. “That took close to half an hour.”

“I haven't been clean in a month. Cut me some slack.”

“Neither have I. So no, I won't.”

I grinned. “Off you go then.”

He opened the door and went inside. “See if you can find Vi and Shyv. They said something about the library.”

“Okay then.” I set off down the hall to where I thought the library was. But then I stopped.

I just had an idea.

Author's Note

But you won't know what that idea is is for another week or two. MWHAHAHAHAHAHA!

I am the master of cliffhangers that turn out to be really disappointing.

32: The best kind of house

Honor the Dead
by BinaryTroll
Pre-read/Edited by Honored Service
Chapter 32: “The best kind of house.”

One day later

I rolled over on my bed and sighed. It's surprising how quickly you can get bored in a castle, especially when there's a pair of possibly insane and definitely violent humans running around. Not to mention a half-dragon and a changeling.

I need more comics.

I rolled off my bed and onto my ridiculously plush carpet with a dull thump. I groaned and lay there for a moment before dragging myself to my hooves. I pushed the door open and slowly walked down the empty hall, wondering for the umpteenth time why my sister and I needed such a large castle. I needed to call back my guards too, after sending them away without explaining anything. I shrugged. I'll do it later.

I turned the corner, lazily waved off the salutes of the guards and continued my journey to the library. Maybe I should stop off at the kitchens and grab a coffee. I might find the two humans there. They'd been suspiciously quiet since Edward's dramatic entrance yesterday. I took a small detour, turning left and going downstairs to get to the kitchens. Walking inside, I searched for the coffee maker. After some searching, I finally found it in a small cupboard, next to a jar of ground coffee beans. I took them out and boiled some water while I searched for the milk and sugar. I grabbed them from the fridge and the spice rack respectively and headed back to the now boiled water. I strained the coffee and let it brew for a bit before stirring in the sugar and milk.

I lifted the life giving drink to my lips and sighed appreciatively. After packing away the coffee, I continued towards the library, floating my coffee over my head.

I saluted the guards at the library entrance and entered. I took another sip and looked around. Comics were somewhere at the back, where nopony really went. I probably could have hid the Necronomicon back there and nopony would find it. Maybe not, but I did wonder why they were all stuck at the dustiest and most forsaken corner of the library.

I slowly sipped my coffee as I walked over to the little forgotten corner. How did my sister even obtain all of these anyway? I've never seen anypony besides myself reading them. Maybe it's because I'm the only one who knows of their existence. I should tell somepony about them.

I scanned the long rows of brightly colored covers, looking for something I hadn't read.

“I smell coffee.” Muttered a tired and oddly familiar voice from above me.

I looked up.

Suspended between the two bookcases were four huge hammocks, one black, one red, one neon green and one leaf green. The black one shifted slightly and Edward's head leaned over the side.

“Morning.” He muttered, yawning. “Do you have coffee?”

I blinked. “Um, yes. I do.”

“Is it black coffee?”

“No.”

One of his arms appeared and he pointed to the door. “Get out.” He slurred, before letting his arm drop and resting his head on it.

The hammock overturned and he tumbled out, falling a good few meters before hitting the floor.

“Ow.” He groaned, not moving.

“Are you alright?” I asked, almost dropping my coffee.

“Do you have black coffee now?”

“No.”

“Then no. I'm dying. Quick, caffeine to mouth resuscitation.”

I rolled my eyes and went back to trying to find something good to read.

The human slowly picked himself up and leaned drunkenly on the wall. “Blegh, I hate mornings. This is why I always leave the kettle next to my bed. Do you have one of those by chance? Or like, a magical coffee machine?”

“Magic can't be used for everything.” I replied, selecting a few volumes of a series that I had skipped.

“Bullshit.” He muttered, standing up a bit straighter and rubbing sleep out of his eyes.

I looked up at the hammocks again. “How did you do this anyway? Where did you get the materials?”

“Eh, there's a bunch of random stuff hanging around in the dungeons. Including some seriously massive rats that are a bitch to deal with without weapons. I'm going to need those back by the way.”

I tucked the stack of comics under my wing. “I doubt that my sister would allow you to have them back. You haven't exactly given her reason to considering yesterday's events.”

“Where's my coat and boots too? Also all Joel's stuff. No doubt he'd like his shoes and hoodie back.”

I finished off my coffee. “I believe they are in the care of one of the castle's most trusted servants.”

“Hmmm, that's a bit problematic. It's hard enough sneaking past the guards, especially when I'm carrying a bunch of cloth and rope. Could you get them or something?”

I thought for a second. “I might be able to have them sent up here, but it could raise some hard to answer questions. Why do you want to keep all this secret anyway?”

“A few reasons, the less ponies that know I'm here, the less ponies have worry about their safety. If nobody hires me, nobody gets stolen from or dies or whatever. Also, I really don't want word of my existence getting to Honored Service.”

“Why not?”

He gritted his teeth. “I have a... dubious relationship with the US military after I stole several million dollars of expensive equipment for a trusted client's use. I also may have used a bit too. And the horrendous amount of intel I've stolen. Not to mention the hundreds of soldiers that I've probably killed, both directly and indirectly. All in all, they don't like me much. Also, I pose a threat to both you, your sister and Twilight, as well as other important figures. I know I wouldn't take any of those hits, at least against the princesses, but he doesn't. And he has no reason to take my word for it.”

“I see.” I said slowly, taking it all in. This man had stolen from the military, and probably would do so again if he was paid well enough. I made a mental note to step up the security around all of the valuable magical artifacts.

“Also, I just like being all secretive. It's kinda fun.”

I facehoofed. “Seriously?”

“Well, no. The opposite of serious really.”

I sighed. “Well, if you'll excuse me, I have things to do.”

“Like read tons of comics.” He deadpanned.

“And arrange somehow to get your clothing up here.” I deadpanned back.

He sighed.“I should totally show you YouTube. Shame my ipod's out of battery. And in my coat.”

“Your what now?”

“Ipod. Small rectangular thing in a black case.” He held up his hands. “About this big. Plays music, somehow can connect to the internet here, and is excellent for showing random stuff to friends. To me, it's basically just portable internet.”

“What is the internet? You mentioned it the first time I met you but you never really explained it.”

“Well, that's because I can't. The internet is a bit difficult. I'd need my ipod or a computer or something to be able to show you. And it's nigh impossible to explain without examples.”

I thought for a second. “What if I could get your ipod working again?”

“Then I could show you the beauty and horror that is the internet. But I'm not sure how you would. You'd have to send a perfect electrical current through it to charge the battery, and then keep it like that for some time.”

I considered the offer. “I don't really have much else better to do, so okay, I'll see if I can get your ipod working.”

The human punched the air above his head. “Excellent. Now I need to get some coffee.”

An hour or so later

I lifted the small device up and studied it. I was back in my room, lying on my bed. The comics I had borrowed lay on the floor, forgotten. “How do you work?” I asked the small rectangle. It didn't deign to reply. I turned it over and examined it closely. It's back was a smooth, shiny surface that had numerous scratches running all over it, making it look almost dirty. There was a white depiction of what appeared to be an apple in the center. I flipped it back over. The front was black and entirely flat, except for a jagged crack running through it and a small depression at the bottom with a gray square in it. It reminded me a bit of Edward's computer screen, except much smaller. I pressed the little indent but nothing happened.
I frowned. Maybe this is what he meant by out of battery. I seem to remember batteries being associated with electrical energy, so maybe this machine runs on that? Out of battery might mean that it no longer has electrical energy left?

I sighed and set it down on my beside table. Roam wasn't built in a day, and I doubt I'll fix this 'ipod' any faster. I need to understand how it works before I can fix it anyway. Maybe Edward would know. He did seem to know a lot about the things he carried with him. And the faster I get this done, the faster I get to know what YouTube is. Maybe it's another game!

My interest rekindled, I cantered back to the library, floating the ipod along behind me. I reached the comic section and looked around. Edward didn't seem to be there. With a couple of flaps, I flew up to the top of the bookcases and looked down into the hammocks that Edward and his friends had set up. The neon, black and red ones were empty. In the leafy green one, Joel lay, still fast asleep. I didn't wake him.

I glided back down to the ground, still trailing the ipod along in the air behind me. Where would he have gone? I really hope he didn't do something stupid.

Meanwhile

“This was a really stupid idea.” I muttered, slowly edging my way along a tiny ledge outside the library window. I looked up to the tower where Celestia's quarters most likely lay. The sun shined bright behind it, getting in my eyes, as if to say 'fuck you, you aren't getting up here'.

Yeah, well fuck you too. I reached for a handhold above me, grabbed a protruding brick, and hauled myself up half a floor. Yay. Only two billion more to go. I stretched out with my left arm and grabbed the cill of the window above me. I forgot how much of a pain climbing is. Just don't fucking look down.

I got my right hand onto the window too and kicked off below me, quickly getting my upper body up and allowing me to swing my legs onto the ledge. I looked into the window to make sure nopony had seen me, but the room was deserted. I tried the window and it was unlocked. So I made my way into the room to see if I could find some rope or something that could make my life a little less perilous. I scanned the room. It looked a bit like a classroom, and very familiar.

“Oh shit. I really hope that magic kindergarten doesn't have any classes today, or I am screwed.” I landed on the floor as softly as I could manage, which was pretty softly without my boots, and started to search. There were quite a few desks, lined up neatly for easy access, as well as a few small cupboards. I doubt I'll find much rope here.

But since I didn't have anything to lose, I searched all the desks. All of them were full of books and stationary, including a few odd items like crystals or little bars of precious metals. One even had a small rod of wood that looked suspiciously like a wand. But no rope. Or anything else I knew how to use. Searching the cupboards was even more of a waste of time, they all seemed to be completely bare.

I sighed and turned back to the window. It was worth a shot. Shame it didn't pay out.

And then somewhere nearby, a bell rang.

Author's Note

Yes, the idea was hammocks. Shut up. I like hammocks.

33: Bullying PSA

Honor the Dead
by BinaryTroll
Pre-read/Edited by Honored Service

Chapter 33: “Bullying PSA”

“Well shit.” I muttered, hearing the rapid clopping of tiny hooves slowly get louder. I looked towards the window and wondered whether I would make it in time.

The door opened and a large number of foals, most of them unicorns, filed in.

I guess not. I stood up from behind the teacher's desk and quietly shut it with my foot. Just act like you're supposed to be here. “Hello class!” I said, smiling.

The teachers eye's widened. “What are-”

I cut her off with a gesture and mouthed 'just roll with it'.

She bit her bottom lip but thankfully remained silent.

I turned back to the class. “Well then, hello again. Sorry about that, I just had to clear something up.”

The class remained wide eyed and silent.

“Anyway, my name is... Uh... Mr Bluemoon! I'm here to give a little surprise PSA, which is short for Public Service Announcement, on... well... Bullying and discrimination.”

One of the foals raised their hoof.

“Yes?”

“Um. Sorry if this sounds rude, but... What are you?”

I smiled. “I am a human, homo sapiens, although that is probably no longer entirely true thanks to events that probably aren't appropriate for your ears. Or anypony's ears. Or anybody's ears. In fact, it really shouldn't have happened period. Anyway, that is me digressing too much.”

Another hoof shot up.

“Shoot.”

“What does digressing mean?” The foal asked.

“Straying away from the topic you were originally on. I do it way too often. Like right now. How I'm talking about how I do it too often. I should just shut up about it now.”

I heard one of the foals near the back whisper “He's weird.”

I grinned, looking straight at her. “I am definitely weird. Thanks for noticing. I'm very different from all of you, and I'm proud to be me! Although I imagine some of you aren't so comfortable with who you are.” I shrugged. “That's fine. I used to hate myself when I was younger, depression and a bunch of other cra-” I caught the teacher scowling a bit. “Sorry, stuff. Anyway, I stopped dwelling on it, after certain events led to me being changed rather drastically. Basically, I fell awesome now. That might happen to those of you who feel horrible with who you are now, but it could not. I count myself both lucky and unlucky, because of the consequences of my own change. I hope none of you have to go through what I did to come to terms with yourself.” I sighed.

I spotted a hoof in the air somewhere near the middle of the class. I gestured for them to speak. “Mr bluemoon?”

“Yes?”

“What helped you change?”

I grimaced. “Well, my fifteenth birthday. I decided being me wasn't that bad. I was fairly intelligent, fit enough to get by, and had ideas for a career and everything. Then I got abducted. Not a story I want to tell, and one that I seriously doubt you want to hear.”

“Can we hear it?” Asked another student.

“Please note the words 'a story I don't want to tell'. Short answer: no.”

“Please?”

“No.”

“Pleeeeeeeeaase?”

Fuck me, I hate kids sometimes. “No. Not going to tell you. Any other questions?”

A rather awkward looking student raised a hoof.

“Go for it.”

“What's your special talent? And how did you get your cutiemark?”

“No idea what my special talent is. I don't have a cutiemark. But that does lead me into something I would like to discuss. How many of you haven't got a cutiemark yet?”

Only one student tentatively raised a hoof.

“Is that all? Don't be shy.”

Three more, including the one who had asked me about my talent, raised their hooves.

“That's more like it. Step right up you four.”

They reluctantly headed towards the front of the class.

I smiled down at them. Jesus, I forgot how cute these foals are. “You know what you four? You're special.”

One of the foals, the only stallion (or is that colt?) scowled.

“What is it?” I asked him. “Feel free to speak your mind. Unlike some adults, I am actually interested in your opinion.”

“I don't feel very special.” He muttered.

I grinned. “Well, guess what? You aren't just special. You're incredible! All four of you. You know why?”

“No.” He muttered again.

“Because you have all the potential in the world! Look at you!” I lifted him up into the air, noting he was a pegasus, not a unicorn like many of the students. “You're a blank-flank! A clean slate! Others talents are constrained, but you, you could be anything! A member of the Wonderbolts, a weatherpony, an elite member of the Royal Guard, maybe even the Equestrian Honor Guard! Those guys are awesome by the way.” I put him down. “That goes for all four of you. You have freedom.” I smiled. “Don't squander it. If somepony laughs at you and calls you blank-flank, laugh back at them. They don't have the freedom you do.”

I gestured for them all to sit back down. They filed back to their seats, looking considerably happier.

I returned my gaze to the rest of the class. “Remember that a lack of cutiemark doesn't mean a lack of talent, it means untapped potential. But having a cutiemark is not to be looked down upon either. It means you are unique, that you can do something others can't, and it shows it to the world. So either way, you both have something the others don't. Equal but different. But don't forget, just because you are different, doesn't mean you cannot be friends.” I laughed. “Bloody hell, I'm friends with a changeling!”

The teacher gasped. “I beg your pardon?”

“Yeah, a changeling. Scary bug things that suck out your emotions right?” I laughed again. “Fu- Um, Hell no! Changelings are awesome.”

“How can you say that? They have attacked us twice now!”

“You think they had a choice? Changelings are commanded by a queen. When said queen is stupid, the entire hive has little choice but to follow their queens decisions. They were starving to death! That brings me to something else. Class and race difference. It's pretty obvious that there are some pretty major differences in power between unicorns, pegasi and earth ponies. Unicorns can be incredibly powerful, and therefore are in general the strongest. They can create wings out of magic, and use telekinesis to give them strength. But a unicorn who has conjured wings will never be as good a flier as a pegasus, and there are obviously drawbacks to having merely magical wings. They also need to spend a rather large amount of time studying to reach this level. I'm also guessing, but I'm not entirely sure, that unicorns tend to die at a younger age as well. Is that correct?”

“Yes.” The teacher said, looking rather displeased but not interrupting me.

“So, pegasi have the advantage of flight and being able to walk on clouds. They are generally naturally lighter, but aren't very durable. They can't directly manipulate magical energy, but use it to walk on clouds and fly. A pegasus could get extremely strong, and durable, but it would take much more time than an earth pony, and would be much harder to achieve. Finally, earth ponies. The hardiest, and naturally strongest. They cannot fly without the help of a skilled unicorn or directly use magical energy. But, they still are charged with magic, and it can manifest in some unusual ways, such as in Pinkie Pie, one of the bearers of the elements of harmony. I also believe this can happen in pegasi as well, such as in Rainbow Dash's sonic rainboom. They also have naturally higher endurance and strength.” I sighed. “Obviously this has been the cause of many disputes in the past, but I will let your teacher handle that one at a later date. What I would like to address at the moment is changelings.”

“Again with the changelings?” I heard one of the foals mutter. “But they're so icky”

“Actually, changelings aren't really that icky at all. The one I know is probably cleaner than you lot, and she's been traveling for weeks. Anyway, changelings are an incredible species, very interesting and I imagine will be the object of some study in the future if all goes well.”

“What do you mean 'if all goes well'?” The teacher demanded.

“Well, I'm trying to get close minded ponies like you to open up, and possibly get some changelings living in Canterlot.”

“That's preposterous!”

“To you. You've been taught to hate them. That's why I'm talking to the children about them, since you're too old to change your mind. It's hard-wired into you now. No, I want the kids to learn that changelings are incredible!”

The young pegasus who I talked to earlier raised his hoof. Without waiting for my say so, he asked, “Why do you like changelings so much?”

I smiled. “I found out something amazing about them. You know how they apparently suck love out of ponies?”

“Yes...”

“They don't! True love is a boundless resource, and if powerful enough, a changeling can survive off radiating love alone. But getting it directly from the source is so much more effective, so they shape-shift and 'steal' it. Thing is, they can feed of any emotion, not just love. Like friendship, which is magic by the way. So I became friends with a changeling, and now she can live off my friendship with her, so long as I'm close by. It's incredible! It made me realize how important friendship can be. So if you meet a changeling, don't greet them with hostility. Talk to them, get to know them. They aren't mindless drones. Each one has a personality, like you. You might make a friend for life. And trust me, having a changeling for a friend has no shortage of perks.” I grinned. “Not to mention, it means they won't have to deceive others to get their lifeblood, you can give it to them freely.”

The young pegasus smiled tentatively. “That does sound kinda cool.”

I felt like sprouting a pair of wings myself, I was so happy. “Remember when I told you that you were incredible? I take that back. You are more than that. YOU ARE THE START OF A REVOLUTION! What's your name?”

“Um, Neon sir. Neon Scar.”

“Hmm, sounds familiar. But a nice name.” I smiled at him. “I like you kid. Remember what I said.”

He nodded. “I will.”

I rubbed my hands together. “Excellent. In that case, my work here is done.”

The teacher raised an eyebrow. “And what work would that be? Disrupting my class? Filling their heads with a bunch of lies?”

“Actually, more along the lines of distracting you from the fact that there is a rather suspicious human who was looking around your classroom for a bunch of rope so climbing up to Celestia's room would be less dangerous. Although education on the amazingness of changelings and discrimination was an added bonus.”

“Why would you want to get to the princess's room?” The teacher asked suspiciously.

“To get my knives back. Also my FAMAS. Also Joel's stuff. Not that you'd really understand what I'm talking about right now, but whatever. Point is, this basically all happened by accident.” I shrugged. “Or maybe it was always destined to be. I don't care. I don't really feel like discussing that particular topic, especially since there is little proof for either side and it cannot be scientifically tested. It also doesn't change anything either way, so it's not worth finding the answer to.”

“If this happened by accident, why did you stay?”

“Because I felt like doing a bit of teaching. Anyway, it gives you a break doesn't it?”

“I would prefer to teach my class properly than have some crazy human spout some drivel about how not having a cutiemark gives you freedom.”

“Believe what you want then, I have better things to do than argue with you.” I turned towards the class and grinned. “So until next time...” I dived out the window.

“I'll CYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!”

Author's Note

Oh Kuledud3, you so crazy.

34: If it exists...

Honor the Dead
by BinaryTroll
Pre-read/Edited by Honored Service
Chapter 34: “If it exists...”

"This was an even worse idea." I muttered, reaching out for something to prevent me from smashing into the ground.
After diving out the window, I realized there was no balcony outside. I also realized my own mortality. Which was why I was frantically trying to swim through the air to catch myself before I became a human pancake. Fun.

I really wish I had wings.

My fingertips just caught the edge of a window frame, sending me spiraling towards the wall. I got a proper grip on the window sill below and halted my downwards momentum by smashing into the wall.

"Ow." I muttered, feeling my ribs shatter and my arm dislocate. "Thank fuck for jug." I reached up with my other arm and pulled myself up. It feels really weird to know you're hurt, but not feel any pain. It wasn't like being on painkillers, I could feel everything fine. I knew the sensation was pain, it just didn't feel bad.

I got my feet onto the window sill and started edging along the wall, only stopping for a brief moment to pop my arm back into it's socket. It was getting kind of hard to breathe. I might of punctured a lung. That's probably not good for my health.

I sighed and looked up at Celestia's quarters, as far away as ever. Maybe I should have just walked.

I frowned. That's not such a bad idea, it is getting kinda late. These guards seem to be incompetent enough to not notice me if I'm careful, especially in darkness. I kicked the window, sending shards of glass into the hopefully deserted room. I clambered through, cutting myself on one of the jagged edges of the glass. "Bollocks." I muttered, inspecting the cut. I raised my arm and looked at my chest. Some bone had broken through the skin and it was bleeding quite badly. The little tendrils that had repaired my nose were going to work fitting the bone back in place, but it looked like it would take some time. "I'm seriously going to need a doctor after this."

Looking around the room, I walked towards the door. There sure are a lot of empty rooms in this castle. I stopped with my hand on the handle and turned around. It still wasn't dark. Damn it. I sighed and settled down next to the door. Yay. Waiting.

Meanwhile

I checked my bedside clock. Almost time to raise the moon. I had been fiddling with the iPod for just over three hours now.
I had managed to open it up and take a look at the inner workings, which of course made absolutely no sense to me. There was lots of weirdly shaped metal pieces along with some plastic and some other stuff that I didn't recognize. A flat yellow box had what appeared to be warnings scattered all over it, although I couldn't be sure. They might just be logo's from the manufacturer.

Fortunately there was a pair of symbols I did recognize, the positive and negative signs, meaning that this was probably the battery. I had spent the last hour or so magically copying the battery of the iPod, including it's contents. After the third hour of working, I was left with a ghostly mockery of the battery, ready for experimentation.

I sighed and placed it down next to the small pile of components. "I need to get a hobby." I muttered, rolling of my bed onto my hooves. Feeling a small tug on my natural connection to the moon, I hurried up to the observatory.

My sister was waiting there for me, looking regal as always in the dying light. "Hello sister."

She turned and smiled. "You look tired."

I couldn't help but smile back. "I always look tired."

Her smile faded. "Are you not sleeping well?"

I laughed. "It's not me who has the nightmares."

"Can I help?"

"You have enough nightmares of your own sis. You don't need more." I sighed and tried to smile. "We both have jobs to do, I can deal with it."

She smiled weakly back. "Just let me know if I can help, okay?"

"Okay. And speaking of work," I motioned towards the sky. "we'd better get on with it."

I walked up to stand next to her and gazed out over Equestria in the dying light. "One last thing sister."

I looked over to her. "Yes?"

"Have you talked to our guests recently?"

"Joel, Edward, Shyvanna and Viridi?"

"I have actually. Edward asked me to help fix some gadget of his called an iPod.”

She was instantly suspicious. “Is it a weapon?”

I considered that for a moment. “It doesn't seem to be. Apparently it's for playing music and connecting to something called the internet.”

“What's the internet?”

“Edward said he'd show me if I managed to get it working.”

She frowned. “I don't think you should trust him.”

“Why not?”

“He threatened us both at gunpoint!”

“He knew he wouldn't hurt us.”

“He still threatened us.”

“I've known him for longer than you have, he seems to do that sort of thing quite a bit. Besides, Honored waves his guns around all the time.”

“How long have you known him for?”

“A bit longer than a month.”

“And you didn't think to tell me?”

“I sort of... Forgot.”

She sighed. “Oh Luna...”

“Come on, I have a moon to raise.”

“Alright. Together then.”

“We always do it together.”

And we're back

I looked out the window to see the stars emerge. “Finally. I was getting sick of bleeding out.”

I picked myself off the ground, leaving a small puddle of blood on the floor. Man, the cleaners are going to hate me. I tried looking through the keyhole. Nothing. I put my ear to the door. No sound either. Excellent. I opened the door and stepped out into the hall.
Surprisingly, it was devoid of things that felt like murdering my face. So that's nice.

I padded slowly towards Celestia's room, staying low and keeping my breaths shallow. The lack of guards seemed a bit suspicious, but I guess that they had lost enough men (stallions?) that they couldn't afford to have them anywhere except at key points. Such as Celestia's room. God damn it.

I poked my head around the corner and pulled back almost instantaneously. Jesus Christ, I almost walked into them.
A pair of guards in golden armor were standing guard outside a room with a huge sun depicted on the door. Unlike the regular guards, their plumes appeared to be made of fire. They also looked waaaaaaay too serious. Stupid elite soldiers.

I guess I found Celestia's room then. Now, how in all fuck am I going to get past the guards? No guns, no knives, not even my fucking coat! As if I'm going to take down a pair of alert guards in armor with my bare hands. Although I'd really like one of those helmets. Maybe I could ask Celestia for one.

Focus. Flamey helmets aren't good for stealth. Not that I'm particularly stealthy anyway, but a helmet that's on fire doesn't really help. I wonder if they come in silver. Probably not. Wasn't I focusing on something? Oh yeah! I'm right next to a pair of guards that will probably murder me on sight! With an attention span this short, I'm surprised I lasted more than a day in this job. Fuck me.

Actually, don't. I know where that's going, and I never want to see anything like that again. Ever. Fuck 4chan.

I slowly rose and backed down the corridor. I needed a better plan, preferably one that didn't end with a sword in my back. Or front. Or side. Or anywhere in my body really. Because that would hurt.

I slapped myself and shook my head. I really need to stop doing this.

“What was that?”

I turned and sprinted off down the corridor. Loudly. “Shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit!”

One of the guards was chasing me. “Hey! Get back here!”

I swerved around the corner at an incredible speed and continued to accelerate away down the next hall. I need to get away, fast. I stretched out my arm and caught the edge of a window frame. Using my momentum, I splattered into the wall at around sixty kilometers per hour, simultaneously ripping my arm out of its socket for the second time today. “I didn't think this through, did I?” I muttered, sliding down to the floor and bleeding from a dozen places. My rib had snapped again, along with most of the right side of my body. “At this rate, I'm going to-”

Down the corridor

“Edward?” The human was lying by a window, face to the wall. “What in Tartarus happened?”

He didn't answer. Or move.

I exchanged a look with my sister and cantered over to him. “Edward?”

Still no reaction. I picked him up and turned him over. The right side of his face was pulverized, along with his nose, arm and most of his ribcage. Small tendrils of his skin seemed to be trying to set the bones back in place and mend the damage, but he was still losing a lot of blood.

I heard my sister gasp. “What happened?”

He sighed slightly and muttered, “Don't worry guys, I'll respawn next round.” before slipping back into near-death.

I checked his pulse. “He's alive, but he really shouldn't be.”

She came over and looked down at the body. “How did he end up like this?”

I looked around. The wall Edward had been slumped against was cracked slightly, and there was a large smear of blood.

A guard, on of Celestia's elites, ran around the corner. “Get back here-” He stopped in his tracks and bowed. “Oh, Princess Luna, Princess Celestia. I am-”

“Cut the formalities, this man needs medical attention.” Celestia barked.

“Man?” He studied the body. “Honored Service sir?”

“No. Someone else. Now hurry up!”

The guard rushed to scoop the human onto his back. “Yes princess!”

Some time later

The first thing I noticed when I woke up was pain. Lots of pain. Way too much pain. The second thing I noticed was that I wasn't naked, which was good. The third thing I noticed was that I was in a bed that was far too small for me.

I opened my eyes and winced. “Jesus fucking Christ! What the hell happened?”

“Wards?”

I tried to turn my head. “Joel?”

“Wards! You're alive!”

“Of course I'm alive. You know what else I am? IN A LOT OF FUCKING PAIN!” I heard something crack in my ribcage, along with a fresh wave of pain.

“Oh Wards...”

I sat up slowly and looked down. My shirt was in tatters, especially the right side. Beneath my skin, something was readjusting my bones, fitting them back into place.

I looked over to Joel, who was sitting on a comically small stool, looking rather uncomfortable but grinning all the same. “You feeling okay?”

I rolled my eyes. “Yeah, just fucking dandy. How long have I been out?”

“About a week.”

I blinked. “You know, once upon a time that would have scared me. Now? It seems rather meh.”

“What the hell were you doing?”

I closed my eyes and massaged my temples. “Something to do with teaching about bullying and jumping out windows.”

He stood up and offered a hand. “Seems more like you were failing at jumping out windows. Luna said she found you slumped next to one.”

I took it. “So what'd I miss?”

“Tell you the truth, I don't know. I've spent most of my time here.”

“Sounds like a colossal waste of time.” I smiled. “But thanks.”

He shrugged. “All good.”

I looked around. We were in some sort of hospital, although the room I was in was rather small and only really had space for my bed. There was a small bedside table with a vase of flowers on it, along with a couple of gems. I picked up the gems and pocketed them. “Nice place.” I commented, looking out the window.

“Apparently it's a private hospital, very expensive. Celestia paid for it out of he own pocket. If that's the correct terminology, since ponies generally don't wear clothes and therefore don't really have pockets.”

I shrugged. “It works. That's rather kind of her, especially considering I thought she hated me. If this is a hospital, how come I don't have nay bandages? Or like, anything?”

“Well, you know the creepy nose tendrils?”

“How can I forget the creepy nose tendrils?”

“Basically, they just stopped any attempt from the nurses to fix the problem and did it themselves. Even magic didn't work.”
“That could be a problem in the future.”

“Indeed, but they did a damn good job of it.”

“They did?”

“Dude, you were completely mangled a week ago.”

“Seriously?”

“Ribs sticking out of your chest, arm and shoulder shattered, most of the skin on the right side of your face scraped off, yeah, you weren't going to win any beauty contests.”

I opened the door and stepped outside. “So where's Shyv? And Vi for that matter?”

“Don't know. I think Shyv is back in the library. As for Vi, she could be anywhere.”

“Anything weird happen while I was out?”

“Well, Shyv came in and asked if I could leave.”

“And then what?”

“You don't wanna know.”

I paused mid-stride. “What happened?”

Joel sighed. “Well...”

A minute later

I sat down heavily. “I'm never going to be able to think about her in the same way again.”

“I told you you didn't want to know.”

“I feel violated.”

Author's Note

Basically this is what happens whenever I play zombies. Be a badass with a knife. Buy jug. Fall off something. Lose jug. Get sexually assaulted. Joel sticks around to wait for the next round. Dan and Cameron are off fucking around somewhere being useless. Rinse and repeat for every round below 20.

35: Ins with the endo

Honor the Dead
by BinaryTroll
Pre-read/Edited by Honored Service
Chapter 35: “Ins with the endo.”

I yawned and stretched. “So, now that I've almost died and been in what basically amounts to a coma for a week, what do we do?”
Joel shrugged. “Talk the princesses, get our stuff back, and go shoot something.”

“Sounds good to me.” I started walking. “So you haven't managed to talk to Celestia about this bs?”

“I did, and I also managed to stop her from hating you so much. But I've been a bit busy trying not to let you die.”

I laughed. “Fair enough.”

We reached Luna's room after a few more minutes of walking through empty hallways. Joel stopped me just before rounding the corner. “Wait, what about the guards?”

I shrugged. “Fuck it, I never did like the stealthy approach anyway.”

“What about the whole Honored thing?”

“I'll deal with it as I come to it, like always.”

“And almost die, like always.”

“Probably. But the key word is almost.”

“Go for it then. I'm not the one who's going to get stabbed.”

I strode out confidently and saluted the guards. “Good morning.”

They saluted back after a moment of surprise. “Honored Service sir.”

Wait what? “Yeah, sure. That's me. I'm here to see Luna.”

“Yes sir.” One stepped to the door and knocked. “Honored Service here to see you princess.”

The door was instantly flung open, almost knocking the poor guard to the ground. Princess Luna's grinning face beamed out at me.“Honored!”

I waved awkwardly. “Hi.”

Her grin slowly dissolved. “Edward?”

I shrugged. “Yeah. By the way, is there anything I should know about? Especially concerning a certain flame haired human?”

She instantly reddened. “What? I- You-”

I rolled my eyes. “Relax. I already know about that, remember?”

“Princess?” One of the guards was eyeing me cautiously. “Doesn't Honored Service have a red, orange and yellow mane?”

I laughed. “Yep. You certainly assume a lot.”

“Then who-”

Joel jumped in, completely out of nowhere. “This is Wards, professional assassin, mercenary and and things!”

The guard stepped back.“What in Luna's a-”

I shoved Joel away. “And this is Joel. Professional prick.”

He grinned. “Just cause I have a sex life.”

“Fuck off. I just haven't found the right woman.”

He laughed.“Well good luck with that here.”

“I hate you to an immeasurable degree.”

“Love you too.”

I groaned. “Do we have to do this every time we meet someone new?”

He gave me a shit-eating grin. “Yep.”

“Kill me now.”

“I would if I had my AWP.” Joel replied, raising an eyebrow at Luna.

“Oh yeah, that's why we came here in the first place.”

“What in Tartarus is happening?” Luna asked, as confused as her guards.

“Well, we wanted to go get our weapons back. So we came here. Also, I wanted to say hello after being semi dead for a week.”
“My sister is the one who holds your weapons.”

I sighed. “Yeah, and she hates my guts, which really sucks, since she was my second favorite. So I decided to see you first, because I like you more and because having you on my side might help. Also, your room is cool.”

Joel elbowed me in the side. “Not the most subtle are you?”

I shrugged. “Probably why I'm still a virgin. But it's gotten me through life so far.”

Luna blinked. “Okay. I'll come with you then. But let me just do something first.” She shut the door.

I looked at the guards. “Erm, hi.”

“I assume you are not Honored Service then?”

“Yeah.”

“Why are you here?”

I considered that. “A flashbang I guess. Besides that, no fucking clue.”

“What's a flashbang?”

I shrugged. “Doesn't matter.” After a short pause, I asked, “When you said 'By Luna's a-', what was the entire phrase?”

The guard frowned. “I'm not sure we should be discussing that.”

The door opened and Luna poked her head through. “Oh do tell us. I am most curious.”

“Princess? I don't-”

She smiled evilly. “You wouldn't want to disobey, would you?”

“But-”

“No buts.”

I grinned. “Unless he was referring to yours.”

The guard reddened. “How did-”

“I didn't!” I collapsed into laughter. “Holy shit, that's incredible! 'By Luna's ass'! If I ever write a book, I'm totally using that.”

Luna looked positively murderous. “I beg your pardon?”

I winced. “Yeah, I'm just going to go now.”

“Have fun.” Joel said sarcastically, watching me pelt away at top speed with a fuming Luna in tow.

“I'm sorry! Please don't eat me!” I screamed, wishing that I still had staminup.

“YOUR PAIN WILL KNOW NO BOUNDS!”

After running for a solid minute, I found myself back at Celestia's room. Elbowing my way past the surprised guards, I started hammering desperately on the door. “Help! Your sister is trying to kill me!”

After a few precious seconds, the door opened, admitting a rather tired looking princess of the sun. “What's all this racket about?”

Luna, her eyes glowing with murderous rage, teleported right next to me. “EVEN DEATH HIMSELF WILL FEEL SORRY FOR YOU!”

I let out a rather unmanly squeak and quickly jumped behind Celestia. “Save me Sunbutt!”

“I beg your pardon?” Celestia growled.

I looked up at the two princesses with wide eyes. “Please don't hurt me.”

The two glanced at each other and said in unison, “Not likely!”

My eyes flicked between their merciless grins. “This is how I die.”

Luna lifted me up into the air, crushing me slightly. “Only the good die young.” Her grin turned borderline manic. “You are going to suffer for a very long time.”

Two point five minutes later

“That was relaxing.” Celestia commented, wiping blood off her coat and leaving it pristine once more.

“I think my balls are on fire.” I said weakly, doubled over in pain.

Joel had turned up about a minute ago, but could do little more than watch as my body was systematically ripped apart and put back together. I was currently trying not to die from pain, and Celestia's guards were puking out in the hall. Luna picked me up and threw me into her sister's room, before stepping inside herself. Joel and Celestia followed, shutting the door behind them.

“Was that really necessary?” I asked in a voice that was much higher than normal.

“It was therapeutic.” Luna said, smiling contentedly.

I looked around, trying my best to stand. “If it stops you from almost killing me again, I still think your room is better.”

“Speaking of which, why are you here anyway?” Celestia asked.

I rubbed my temples, wishing I still had jug. “Ugh, I can't really remember. Something to do with thrusting and shooting.”
Luna and Joel cracked up.

“Wait, did I just-”

Celestia nodded, turning red as a tomato. “Yes. Yes you did.”

“Oh fuck me.” I muttered.

A somewhat sensual grin creeped onto Celestia's face. “Well, that was why you wanted to see me, wasn't it?”

The laughter in the room grew louder, now bolstered by the princess of the sun's.

I sighed. “If I had a gun, I would blow my brains out right now.”

Luna managed to halt her laughing for a second to say, “Oh please, allow me. I'm very experienced with blowing.”

I started banging my head against the wall. “Enough with the damn innuendo!”

“I'll in your endo!” Called a voice from the door.

I looked over. “Shyv? How the fuck?”

A black, chitinous face poked around the door. “What are you all laughing about?”

I blinked. “You know what Tia? Your guards suck. Really badly.”

“I'm sorry, it's just that we've been through multiple wars in the past two years, so I kind of have to lower the quality check if I want a decent sized military.”

I shook my head. “I know, but seriously. You need better guards. They just let an undisguised changeling into your bedchamber. I mean, fucking hell.”

“Oh, and I suppose you can pull a pair of of super experienced, highly observant guards out of your ass, can you?”

“SHE'S A FUCKING CHANGELING! HOW DO YOU MISS THAT?”

Vi sat down carefully near the door. “To be fair, they were both passed out in puddles of vomit. You wouldn't happen to know anything about that, would you?”

“That probably had something to do with me being violently disassembled and reassembled.” I shuddered. “Very painful and not pretty in the slightest.”

“You deserved it.”

“All I did was call you Sunbutt.”

In an instant, my hair was on fire.

I screamed and started patting it frantically, trying to put it out. After a few seconds of watching with mild amusement, Luna dumped some water on my head, extinguishing the fire.

“WHAT THE FUCK?” I yelled. “You ruined my hair!”

Shyv raised an eyebrow. “That's what you care about?”

I scowled. “My hair was cool, okay?”

“I must admit, it was pretty fabulous.”

“Was. Till Sunbutt ruined it.”

Celestia yawned. “You really don’t learn, do you?

I sniffed. “My balls are on fire again, aren't they?”

“Yup.”

“This really hurts you know.”

“I do.”

“Can you get rid of it?”

“Eventually.”

“How is this not burning my clothes?”

“It's magic.”

“That's not an explanation. Magic is a very exact and specific science.”

“How would you know? You aren't magical in any way. If anything, you're anti-magical.”

I stood up, the pain in my crotch almost forgotten. Almost. “Well screw you. I reject your reality and substitute my own. I'm going to make magic science. I'M GOING TO MAKE MAGIC MY BITCH!”

“Good luck with that.”

I sat down. “This still really hurts by the way.”

“Uh huh.”

“Jokes on you, I'm already infertile.”

Celestia raised her eyebrows. “How did that occur?”

“Crazy terrorists. It's a long story I don't like telling.”

“I can respect that.”

“Can you get rid of this fire?”

She sighed. “Fine.”

“Thank you.”

“So, how are you going to make magic your bitch?” Luna asked sceptically.

I shrugged. “Find the Necronomicon, unlock the secrets of the universe and murder Blueblood a lot. For science.”

“The Necronomicon?”

“Well, assuming that’s it's a thing and you haven't done something stupid under the guise of it being too dangerous for ponykind.”

Luna clicked her hooves together. “Umm, about that.”

I groaned. “Please tell me you haven't thrown it into a volcano or something.”

“We...” Luna sighed. “We lost it.”

Celestia raised an eyebrow. “More like you lost it.”

“It was Nightmare, okay?”

“It was still you under that silly nightmare moon guise. He doesn't completely take over you know.”

“Shut up! I was being stupid.”

I blinked. “You managed to lose the book that could destroy the world... How?”

“Nightmare wasn't the smartest supervillan.”

I rolled my eyes. “Yeah, you can say that again. I kind of wish he was still alive, just so I could high five him.”

“Why would you-”

“In the face. With a chair. That's made of steel. Twice.”

“Okaaay.”

“And if he hadn't lost the Necronomicon, I'd be able to.” I muttered. “Any idea where it is?”

Luna shrugged. “There are plenty of underground societies that are hunting it.”

Celestia frowned. “And you know this how?”

“I get bored. Also, I've been looking for an excuse to knock off Blueblood without you realizing it was me.”

Celestia laughed. “Good luck with that now.”

“Oh shut up.”

I put my hand up. “Hey, I'd love to. Like, for free. Hell, I'd pay you if I had any money.”

“Speaking of which, you owe me a sum of 3000 bits for allowing you to use the private hospital for a week. Tax included.”

I facepalmed. “Are you fucking with me right now? Where am I going to get a job?”

“It's your fault for wanting to stay all secret.”

I groaned. “All I've ever done in my life is kill people and do housework for a living.”

“You could search for the Necronomicon. I'm sure that would yield a bunch of treasure.” Vi suggested.

“It could take years though.”

“So? It's not like you have anything else better to do.” Shyv replied.

“I have plenty of things I want to do before I die.” I growled.

“Unless you do something stupid, you're unlikely to die in the next few years.”

I sighed. “That's true for almost everyone, except me.”

“What's that supposed to mean?”

“I'm probably going to die in the next few years, and the more crappy situations I end up in, the shorter my time gets.”

“What do you mean?”

I looked up at them, my expression carefully blank. Shyv stared back, looking slightly concerned. Everybody in the room did.

“Well then. Do you trust me?”

“Yes.”

I looked over to Vi. “Do you trust me?”

“With my life.”

Finally, I looked to the two sisters. “You've only known me for a couple of days, but I've known you for years. I trust you. Do you trust me?”

Celestia sighed. “At this point in time, I don't think I can say no, despite how much my gut is telling me to.”

Luna just nodded.

I looked over to Joel. He smiled. “It might as well be now.”

“Well then.” I addressed the entire group. “Time to tell you my life story.”

Author's Note

I guess I'm building up to a climax.

Bow-chicka-wow-wow

36: I don't need your life story.

Honor the Dead
by BinaryTroll
Pre-read/Edited by Honored Service
Chapter 36: “I don't need your life story.”

It all began on my fifteenth birthday. It was a school day, so I wasn't feeling great about it. As always, I didn't feel any older, or more mature. As far as I was concerned it was just another day at school, just more of the daily grind. So I borrowed a new book from the library, to stave off boredom during the rest of the day. Happy birthday indeed. Unfortunately, it was an excellent book, and I found myself absorbed in reading it. So absorbed in it that I missed my stop on the way home, sticking me out in an unfamiliar neighborhood with no map, mode of transport or any idea of what to do. So I looked around and started asking people for directions to my home suburb, Tarragindi. Nobody seemed to want to talk to me, until a tall woman in a black coat asked me if I was lost.

I'm not an idiot, I knew I shouldn't have trusted her, but I told her anyway.

“I missed my stop on the bus, and now I don't know where I am.”

She smiled disarmingly down at me. “Don't worry, I'm sure I can help. Where do you live?”

“Percy st, Tarragindi.”

She whistled. “Wow, you must of missed it by a long way.”

“I was reading.”

She laughed. “Yeah, I know what you mean. Getting wrapped up in a good book can just make you zone out.”

“Do you have a map I could use please? Or a phone? I don't want my parents getting worried.”

“Sorry kid, my phone's out of charge. I do have a map in my car though.”

I felt like I was saved. “Can I use it please?”

“Of course you can.” She smiled. “My car is over here.”

She led me to a fairly average looking white car, nothing to be suspicious of. She unlocked it and told me the map was in the glove box. I took it out and found my street. It was several kilometers away, and a very long walk.

I groaned. “My parents are going to be furious. This could take hours.”

The lady got in the car and took the map off me. She studied for a few seconds. “I think I know where to go, so if you want a lift, hop in.”

I was tired, and the lady had been rather kind to me, so I threw caution to the wind and sat down in the passenger seat.

“You know, as a general rule I really don't think I should trust you, but it's getting late and I really don't want my parents to worry. No offense by the way.”

She laughed. “None taken. My parents always told me not to trust strangers, but in the end, most people are okay.”

I laughed too. “Yeah, besides, you're coat is cool.”

“Thank you. Most people say it makes me look emo.”

I rolled my eyes. “Then people should stop judging a book by it's cover. Just 'cause you like black, doesn't mean you're some social reject. Black's a nice color, and highly practical too. Fucking assholes.”

She gasped. “Language!”

“Sorry.”

She laughed and started the ignition. “Nah, I'm just fucking with ya. People are way too uptight about that sort of thing.”

“I know, right? It's just a word.”

She was friendly, and I liked her, so I let my guard down. I started reading again, and stopped paying attention to what was happening outside. So I hardly noticed when we pulled up outside a house that was definitely not my own.

She nudged me and I looked up. “You recognize here?”

I looked around. “Nope.”

“Shit. Me neither.” She got out of the car and started walking around, checking mailbox numbers and other things.

Not wanting to be left behind, I got out and followed her. “What are you looking for?”

“A street name. I must have taken a wrong turn.”

“Can I help?”

She shrugged. “Sure, just look for some sort of intersection. Street names are usually around there.”

So I started walking down the street, looking at houses and trying to find something that looked familiar. I didn't notice when the lady sneaked up behind me.

She clamped a hand over my mouth and put her arm around my neck. “Sorry kiddo. And I was just starting to like you too.”
There was a sharp pain in my neck, probably from a needle, and then everything went black.

"So yeah, I got kidnapped. Because I was an idiot. A complete and total imbecile. I trusted someone that I shouldn't have trusted, and it came back to bite me in the ass. So I trust very few people nowadays." I looked up. "That's why I asked you if you trusted me. Because if you did, this counts as a warning. People are almost never what they seem, and should never be trusted, unless you've know them inside out."

"But you aren't going to kidnap us, are you?" Vi asked. "I mean, that'd be silly."

I sighed. "Not right now, but the more I use bloodrage, the more irrational I get. That's why I'm telling you this, so you understand the nature of my condition, and why I'm so fucked up in the head right now."

Anyway, I woke up in the trunk of a car, bound and gagged with duct tape. I wasn't sure how long I had been out for but I assumed it had been several hours, since I felt rather thirsty. I could hear voices outside, but I couldn't understand them. I didn't struggle, I didn't scream. It was weird, I scared as all fuck, but I couldn't do anything.

I waited for a few minutes and the eventually someone opened the trunk. It was the woman from earlier.

“Hi kiddo.” She looked almost sad. “Welcome to hell.”

I raised an eyebrow. That was basically all I could do.

She picked me up and slung me over her shoulder. We were in a garage of a sort. There were a pair of men in mismatched clothing standing guard, one holding an AK-47, the other an AK-74u. I was surprised I could tell the difference. The woman opened a door and started walking downstairs. A long way downstairs.

Eventually I found myself being dumped in a tiny cell, after passing through several corridors full of guards. All the guards had varying clothing, weapons and stances. Some looked highly disciplined, while others looked almost casual.

As I said, the cell was small, but surprisingly clean. Everything so far had been highly sterile and gleaming white, and my cell was no exception. Which was nice.

The woman tore my gag off, tearing the beginnings of a mustache with it. She then cut off the tape binding my arms together, and finally my legs. I didn't really move.

She stood up and looked down at me. “Got nothing to say?”

I just said the first thing that came into my mind. “What's your name?”

She burst out laughing. “What, no crys for help? No senseless screaming?”

I shrugged. “I don't know what to think right now. If you've done your job properly, then there isn't much point is there? I mean, I could do it just to spite you, but that'll probably just end badly for me. So, I might as well ask your name, because I have nothing better to say.”

She smiled. “That's a first. Quite refreshing actually.”

“So, name?”

“You can call me Kathrine.”

I stood up. “I would say pleasure to meet you, but to be honest, I doubt it will be.”

“You are a very odd individual.”

“Can I have some water? Also food. I didn't have lunch today.”

“Why do you think I care.”

“Well, considering you went to so much trouble taking me alive, I doubt you want me to die of thirst.”

“Good analysis.” She smiled again. “I'll get you some water. I might even get you dinner if you're lucky.”

I raised an eyebrow. “I didn't really expect that. Thanks.”

She turned and left the cell, locking it with a key, and then with a swipe card. I watched her walk down the hall for a few moments before lying down on my new bed.

After an hour or so, she returned, now carrying a tray with a bottle of water, a bowl of stew and some toast. She entered once again, swipe card then key.

“Hello again.” I said, sitting up.

She set the tray down on the bedside table and sat down next to me. “Hello.”

I stared at the tray of food for a second, shrugged and picked up the bowl of stew. I dug in. It was actually rather nice. “Jesus Christ, I was expecting gruel. This is way better.”

Kathrine shrugged. “Gotta keep you healthy.”

I scarfed down some more of the stew before asking. “Why?”

“We need a healthy test subject or it could interfere with the experimentation.”

“Wait, what?”

She put a hand on my shoulder. “You are test subject seven, the youngest we've ever had.”

“That's ironic.”

“What is?”

“Seven's my favorite number.”

I finished off the stew and sighed. “I always imagined being kidnapped would involve more rape and torture. So far, it's been
quite pleasant.”

“Don't get used to it.” Kathrine muttered. “You got lucky.”

“How so?”

“You got me.”

I shrugged. “I haven't met any other kidnappers, but I reckon you do have a point.”

“I'm not a kidnapper.”

I raised an eyebrow. “Then what are you?”

“I'm a therapist.”

“Who just so happens to kidnap people.” I deadpanned.

“Look, I don't have a choice. I'm as much a prisoner to this organization as you are.”

“Forgive me for not being sympathetic, but you aren't the one stuck in a cell.”

“True, but you don't have to worry about being shot if you put a toe out of line.”

“It's not like I can anyway.”

“Maybe so, but you don't have to worry about tripping either.”

“I guess this does explain why you are actually talking to me.”

“After the first three went insane, we figured out that human company generally helps.”

I groaned. “So what are you going to do to me?”

“Try to turn you into the perfect killing machine.”

“Because that always works out well in movies.”

“This isn't a movie.”

I sighed. “Yeah, which means that I'm probably screwed.”

“Just don't die, and we should be all good.”

“I don't know what to expect.”

Kathrine hugged me, which I seriously didn't expect.

I looked up at her. “That didn't make me feel much better.”

“I'll be back soon.”

She stood up and took the tray, leaving only the bottle of water behind.

I unscrewed the cap and took a drink. It was slightly chilled. Very satisfying. So far, this had been a really weird experience. I had no idea what to think. What was going to happen to me if I survived? I mean, being a perfect killing machine sounds cool, but what if I screwed up?

I looked up as Kathrine entered the room again. She was carrying a clipboard and a pen.

“What's that for?” I asked.

“I need to determine if you are suitable for experimentation. If you aren't, then you will have to be terminated.”

“So what's to stop me from lying?”

“The potential for a far longer and more painful death.”

“Sounds fun.”

“Alright then, lets get started.”

I fell back down on the bed. “Alright then. I'll answer to the best of my ability.”

“Thank you. Firstly, have you had any recent physical injuries?”

“Besides being choked to unconsciousness? No. In fact I've never broken any bones or had an serious injuries in my entire life.”

“Well, that answers question two. Three: Have you recently taken, or been taking any form of vitamin supplicants, or other medication?”

“I took some medication for depression two years ago, and I've been taking one fish oil capsule each day with breakfast.”

“Do you have any mental disorders that you know of?”

“Yes. I have a mild case of Asperger's syndrome, I used to have a mild case of depression and apparently I'm getting Stockholm syndrome.”

She raised an eyebrow at that. “Why do you think that?”

“Because I'm not hating you as much as I really should.”

“I'm technically not the one holding you captive.”

“Whatever.”

“Well then, you should be alright. I'll have to schedule a physical examination for tomorrow, but so far you appear to be fine.”

“Yay.” I muttered.

“You should get some sleep. Tomorrow is unlikely to be fun for you.”

I sighed. “Yeah, I kinda guessed.”

Kathrine exited the cell once more and flipped off the light. “Good night subject seven.”

“'Night Kathrine.”

So that was my first day in hell. It got a lot worse.

Author's Note

That was a weird chapter to write.

37: I REALLY hate needles.

Honor the Dead
by BinaryTroll
Pre-read/Edited by Honored Service
Chapter 37: “I REALLY hate needles.”

I woke up the next day half expecting yesterday's events to be a dream. Unfortunately, they weren't and I was as trapped as ever. After an hour or so of boredom, Kathrine gave me breakfast and took me to what seemed to be a doctor's office.

“So, what happens now?” I asked, sitting down in the chair.

She pulled the cap off a needle and tested it's tip.“I need to take blood samples to verify your blood type, allergies and DNA.”

“What the hell do you need my DNA for?”

She looked up. “We're going to modify it. If all goes well, we will be able to increase your reaction speed one hundred fold, give you increased speed, strength, endurance and healing rate. If it goes perfectly, your higher level thinking will cease and you will be able to be controlled completely.”

“I'm starting to wonder if I should have chosen the quick death. Although increased speed, strength blah blah blah sounds cool. The brainwashing stuff? Not so much.”

She pulled on a pair of gloves and pulled out a strap.“It's not technically brainwashing.”

I sighed. “I know, I'm not stupid. I just can't be bothered being exact right now.”

She strapped my arms onto the chair and pulled them tight. “Try not to tense. It will hurt less.”

I relaxed. “Yeah, yeah. I know what I'm doing.”

Kathrine smiled evilly and plunged the needle into the inside of my elbow. “Well, you'd better hope I do too.”

I cringed at the sudden pain. “How hard can it be?”

She twisted it cruelly. “As hard as I want it to be.”

I winced. “I'm not sure this is proper practice.”

“I'm not sure I'm a proper doctor.”

I sighed. “And you were so nice yesterday too.”

“Trust me, this is far from the worst pain your going to be feeling. Tough love and all that.”

“Yeah, I'm totally going to trust the person who kidnapped me. I mean, why wouldn't I?” I said sarcastically.

“Sarcasm is the lowest form of humor.”

“Like I give a fuck. I'm pretty low right now anyway.”

She pulled the needle out and set it in a small rack before selecting another. “Why's that?”

“Why do you care?”

“It's my job to care. If you start going insane or depressed or lethargic or whatever, it's my job to find out why.”

“I'm pretty sure it's obvious.”

She thrust in the next needle unceremoniously. “I have a pretty good idea, but I'd prefer to hear it straight from the horse's mouth as it were.”

“I've been taken away from my family, my friends and normality in general. And at this rate, I'm never going to see it again. I'll either end up insane, brainless or dead. I have every right to feel like shit right now.”

“At least the food's good, huh?”

“Ugh. Thing is, I'm not as bad as I should be. I should be breaking down, crying or something. I just feel hollow. Like I don't care.”

“You're probably in denial. First stage of the Kübler-Ross model of grief.”

“Isn't that for death?”

She shrugged and switched needles once more. “You're as good as dead.”

I snorted. “Some therapist you are.”

“No point lying to you and saying it's all going to be fine. Makes you more likely to snap under stress.”

“Fair enough. Now can you stop sticking sharp things into my arm?”

She pulled the needle out and set it next to the others. “Get used to it. You're going to have things a lot worse than needles stuck in you.”

“Umm, by that I hope you didn't mean sexual abuse.”

“If any of the guards were caught doing that, punishment would be swift and deadly.”

“Well, that's one thing I don't have to worry about.”

“There's plenty more besides that.”

I sighed. “I still think you aren't a particularly good therapist.”

“There's a difference between a therapist and a psychologist. I'd show you my degree if it wasn't a thousand k's away.”

I shrugged. “It doesn't really matter does it? I can hardly file a complaint when I'm being held here against my will.”

“True.”

I shifted uncomfortably. “Uh, can you take these straps off please? My arm is going purple.”

“Oh, right. Sorry.”

After that, I ended up back in my little cell for the rest of the day, with nothing to entertain myself except my own thoughts. Kathrine visited again at lunch and dinner, but didn't talk much. Eventually I drifted off to sleep, only to awaken the next day in the same cell. The rest of the week passed by, with little interest. I got more and more bored in my little white cube, spending most of my time sleeping or trying to make something out of little chips of metal off the side of my bed. I'd managed to make a shank the size of my fingernail by the end of the first week. Not that it helped me in any way, but it was something I could do.

Eventually, Katherine visited again.

“You're results are through, we're in the green.”

I flipped the small collection of sharp metal bits into the air, caught them and stuck them on my dresser. “Finally. I'm bored out of my brain.”

“Speaking of brains, in an hour yours is going to be out of your head.”

“Sorry, what?”

“We're taking it out.”

“But won't that kill me?”

“We can keep your body alive until we're done.”

“You keep saying we, aren't you a therapist?”

She shrugged. “One of our surgeons got shot, so I'm currently one of the few people with enough medical experience to help with the operation.”

I looked up and the ceiling. “This is how I die...”

She grabbed my wrist and pulled me to my feet. “Unlikely.”

I dropped my hand over her wrist and, using my other am to bend her elbow around behind her back, got her in a rudimentary arm lock. “Can you not grab my wrist? I have way too much muscle memory.”

“You do realize that there are guards nearby? With guns.” She grunted.

“Yeah, and that's why I haven't stolen your keys yet.” I released the lock. “Just don't grab me. I can move on my own.”

She stood up and shook her arm. “For now you can anyway.”

I scowled. “The hell is that supposed to mean?”

“Subject 4.” She said cryptically, unlocking the door. “Although I must say, good work with that arm lock.”

“Thanks, I guess.”

“I'll leave you fully mobile then, just always remember that I'm not the only one who works here.”

I sighed and walked out. “Yeah yeah.”

“Tell you the truth, I'm surprised at how compliant you are. Every other subject fought tooth and nail.”

I grinned. “I'm a lover, not a fighter.”

She raised an eyebrow. “Oh really?”

I sighed. “Not really. I'm antisocial as fuck.”

She rolled her eyes. “Come on then.”

She set off down the hall, past more cells. I hurried to catch up. “Whats up with all these cells?” I asked.

“This used to be a prison. It's also convenient for later research.”

We continued in silence, walking through a maze of white corridors, occasionally passing a guard or two. A couple raised their eyebrows at my freedom, but didn't speak. Eventually, Kathrine stopped outside a door that was indistinguishable from any others, save the pair of guards that stood outside.

“Kathrine, I must ask you to secure the subject. He could be dangerous.” One of the guards said, pointing his gun at me.

“He's a kid, what's he going to do?” She replied.

“This is against protocol Kathrine. I must ask you to secure the subject.”

I rolled my eyes. “You're afraid of me? A chubby fifteen year old. You have a gun!”

He jabbed at me threateningly with the barrel. “Subjects should not speak!”

Kathrine groaned. “Neither should you. Now shut up and let us in.”

The guard reluctantly stepped aside and opened the door. I followed Kathrine inside.

“Woah.” The room was almost empty except for a massive doctor's table with a cyan sheet over it. A huge rack of medical instruments sat nearby, including what appeared to be an artificial brain.

“Lie down.”

I made my way over to the table and got onto it. Kathrine pressed a switch and it slowly transformed into a chair. Once it was complete, she strapped my arms, legs and head to the chair.

“Uh, what's this for?” I asked, trying to move.

“To stop you from struggling.” Said a far deeper voice.

“Hello Jackson. Are you ready?”

“Why have you not gagged the subject?” Jackson asked.

“I am doing so now.” Kathrine replied, leaning over me and stuffing something in my mouth. “Bite down on this.”

I did so.

“Thank you.”

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Jackson holding a scalpel and a wicked looking pair of scissors. “Excellent, time to make the first incision.”

I spat whatever was in my mouth out. “What the hell happened to painkillers?”

“We can't use them. They interfere with your bodily function too much.” Kathrine replied, sticking the gag back in my mouth.

“I don't remember much after that, besides a lot of pain.” I looked up at the group. “You do not know pain until you've had your head slowly cut open. Ten seconds in, I wished I was dead. I think I passed out after that.”

“That's horrible.”

I shrugged. “That's what happened.”

I woke up with an overwhelming desire for blood. I opened my eyes. There was a light directly above me. It was partly blocked by a man holding a defibrillator. I could hear his heart beat. More importantly, I could hear his blood being pumped through his veins. I wanted that blood. I wanted it more badly than anything I had ever wanted in my life.

I tried to grab him, but my hands were trapped. I was strapped to a table. It made me angry. I struggled against the straps, but they held fast. I gnashed my teeth in frustration. I was so close.

“He's awake.” The man had spoken.

“Odd, his heartbeat seems to be greatly accelerated. I'm also picking up some weird brain activity.” Someone else. Female. Less blood.

“See if he responds.”

The woman leaned over me, exposing her throat. “Subject 7? Can you hear me?”

Hearing? Of course I can hear you. I can hear the blood pumping through you. Just come a little closer.

“He doesn't seem to be able to speak.”

I growled. Speaking is irrelevant. The only language I need is the language of violence.

“Why is he growling?”

“I'm not sure.”

Talk talk talk talk talk. The only thing you're good for is the blood in you.

“Should we take him out?”

Yes.

“Ready a tranquilizer, just in case.”

Hurry up already.

As soon as I felt the first strap loosen, my hand shot out and grabbed the man's shirt. I quickly pulled him towards me and sunk my teeth into his throat. Blood, lovely salty red blood, flowed into my mouth. I shoved him away, just as something pierced my neck. Everything went dark.

I woke up some time later, I never found out how long.

“What are we going to do with him?”

I opened my eyes. I could taste something coppery. Blood? I spat. Not blood. It was more of an aftertaste from blood. As though I'd had it in my mouth recently.

“Observe him. He killed our last surgeon, so we should not terminate him until we can afford to.”

“Understood.”

I sat up. I was back in my cell again. On my bed. Kathrine was outside, talking to someone in a suit. I swung my legs off edge of my bed and stood up. “Did the thing with my brain work?” I asked, yawning.

The pair turned to face me. “You tore out Jackson's throat.” Kathrine said, standing rock still, emotionless.

I blinked. “Say what now?”

“Once we revived you, you grabbed him and tore his throat out with your teeth.”

“I did?” A few scattered images and thoughts popped up in my mind, eventually solidifying into a perfect recollection of the scene. I clutched my head. “What the hell?”

“So you have perfect recall?” Shyvanna asked, raising an eyebrow.

I shook my head. “No, it's only after a bloodrage. I don't forget everything, I remember every moment to perfection.”

She looked at me quizzically. “That seems backwards.”

“When I bloodrage, my body overclocks, including my brain, giving me perfect recall, increased reactions and a bunch of other crap.”

“So overclocking is when you increase how well something performs?”

“At the expense of more energy and/or decreased run time. I'll talk about that a bit later. Anyway, I'm almost done. Just bear with me for a bit longer, okay?"

There was a collective nod and a single snore from Joel.

I sighed. “Goddammit Joel.”

Author's Note

Next time: THE BLOODRAGE IS BACK!

38: Breakout.

Honor the Dead
by BinaryTroll
Pre-read/Edited by Honored Service
Chapter 38: “Breakout.”

“The next day, experimentation began.” I looked down and hugged myself. “I remember every millisecond with perfect clarity. Every iota of agony. My anger, my desperation for blood. When Kathrine told me that I had entered hell, she wasn't lying.” I punched the floor. “Every day was some new fresh torture. They experimented with how strong I became by dropping a car on me. They experimented with how much pain I could endure by sticking my body in a pool of acid. They experimented with how fast and deeply I could heal.” I lifted my arm and showed the group. “It was very deeply. If anyone else had been through even half of what I went through, they would be covered in scars, burns and general disfigurement. Me? No scars.” I sighed. “No physical ones at least.”
Shyv studied my arm, looking for any sign of previous abuse. She found none.“That's incredible.”

I grimaced. “Maybe. But here's the thing. The bloodrage tests increased a lot of my physical attributes. Including how sensitive I am.”

She thought for a second. “Wait, that means...”

I nodded. “Each and every single one of those tests were far more painful for me than anybody else. The other problem, my nerve endings don't dull after constant abuse. So it was consistently painful as well.”

Celestia shook her head slowly. “How could anyone of your captors live with themselves after causing that much pain?”

I grinned evilly. “None of them lived. None at all. It took me three years, but I hunted down and killed every single one of them.” At least, every one that they had on record.

The final experiment was placing me in complete isolation. I stayed in this state for close to a week.

I started to thirst for blood, but the only heartbeat I could hear was my own. Rage took me, I started screaming at the world. But my world was now tiny, just a little white cell. I turned the shank I had made on myself, and drank my own blood. It actually worked, and did not send me into a bloodrage. From that, I formed the hypothesis that certain types of blood would affect me in different ways. I was right. Sentient blood sends me into a bloodrage state. Non-sentient mammal blood has a reduced effect, but may make me highly thirsty or hungry. I'm not sure about reptile blood. Seafood just tastes disgusting.

Finally, three weeks since I had originally gone berserk, Kathrine entered the cell.

I looked up. “You took your damn time.”

“What?”

“I'm going crazy in here!” I showed her the scar on my arm. “I DRANK MY OWN FUCKING BLOOD!”

She shrank back slightly. “I saw that.”

I stood up. “I bet you fucking did! You cold bitch.” I said, venom dripping from my words.

“It's my job. I don't have a choice.”

“I miss my family.” I muttered pathetically. “At least they were there for me when I needed them.”

“What about when you ended up here in the first place?”

In an instant I had picked her up by the throat and choke-slammed her into the ground. “That was my fault! My mistake!” I stood up and placed a foot on her chest. “And now I'm going to fucking fix it!”

I took her card and keys before kicking her viciously in the head. My blood was boiling. I didn't even unlock the door, I just kicked it down with more force than should have been possible.

“How does that work?” Vi asked. “As far as I can tell, you don't usually have that much strength.”

“I don't.” I scratched my head. “It's a bit of a weird thing. My adrenal medulla was modified when they took out my brain, so the more angry I get, the more adrenaline I release. Thing is, My adrenaline is a bit different too, it makes the cells in my muscles take on far more oxygen than normal, as well as use more energy. That's normal, except my adrenaline allows far far far more energy and oxygen intake than other humans, and this is increased to an even greater degree during a bloodrage, at the expense of some of my higher cognitive processing."

My words were met with an entire room was full of confused faces.

I waved my hand. "Nevermind."

There were a pair of guards waiting for me outside. They took aim and fired.

The world stopped around me. The bullets hung in the air. I grinned and weaved my way around the frozen rounds. Everything returned to normal. The shots slammed into the wall behind me. I sprinted forward and kicked the first guard's gun out of his hands before following up with a spinning heel kick to his temple. He collapsed like a sack of potatoes, air escaping him for his final breath. I caught his body and lifted it, using it as a shield for the next volley. After the gunfire stopped, I threw the corpse forward into his friend, picked up the first guard's gun, which happened to be a M4, and fired a burst into the second.

I stood over the pair of corpses and my instincts took over. I stuck my hands in the blood and lifted it to my mouth.

Blood. Blood was what mattered. And there was plenty of it nearby. I let out an inhuman growl and sniffed. Two rooms across. Up stairs. Lots of blood. I ran towards the source, M4 by my side.

A door stood in my way. I lowered my shoulder and increased my speed. The door crumpled and sprang open. There was blood in this room. Not much, but it was there. Guards. With guns.

I snarled at them and pulled out the gun. Very useful, but not quite as satisfying as tearing off limbs. I squeezed the trigger and a burst fired, every shot hitting the first guard in the torso. Blood spattered the wall behind him and he fell, bleeding more of the wonderful redness. I aimed the gun at the other meatsack and pulled the trigger again. These shots cut through his head, spraying bits of gray matter and more lovely blood out across the offensively white wall.

But there was more, I could smell it. It was up. Out into the sun.

Stairs. I looked for the stairs. They were there, leading up. I ran up them, eager for more blood.

I paused. More guards. Familiar guards. AK-47 AK-74u. Familiar heartbeat. Familiar blood. I pulled out the M4 again. I must free the blood.

I charged into the room and clubbed the first guard with the M4. He went down with a huge dent in his head, but with a disappointingly small amount of blood. I wasn't going to use that sort of attack again. The second guard raised his gun to fire, but he was slow. I was not slow. I grabbed his AK-74u and turned it against him, poring an entire mag into his body and head.

That was far better. Blood sprayed out into the room, with much of it spraying out onto myself. It was beautifully warm.
I dropped the AK-74u and picked up the AK-47. It had more shots than the M4. More blood that could be spilled.

I rushed to the door, AK-47 in hand. This door was merely wooden. I kicked it, splintering the wood and making it crash open. A siren was going off in the hall behind me. I ignored it. There were more important things. Like the wealth of humans outside, each one carrying several pints of blood. There were other, smaller animals, but they were boring and hard to catch.

But first, I needed to get out of this garage. I tried the obvious way out, and started beating on the door. It was strong, too strong. I continued to wail on it, using the butt-stock of the AK-47 to prevent damage to my hands. Eventually, the stock cracked and splintered, leaving barely a dent in the door. I kicked it. Nothing happened.

My coherent mind was returning, slowly forcing back the bloodrage state. I clutched my head and moaned.

“Did I really just do that?” I looked up, confirming that I indeed was standing in front of the garage door, just centimeters away from freedom. I reached out and touched the dent. It was real. I looked down. There was the AK-47, complete with shattered stock. I picked it up again.

“What the hell am I going to do now?” I asked myself, looking around the room for a way out. Nothing except the garage door. Awkwardly holding the rather heavy assault rifle, I ran my hands along the walls, looking for a switch with which I could open the door with. After a minute I found a small key card reader, along with a keyhole much like one you would find in a door. I inserted the keys and tried turning them.

They keys sparked and gave me a light electric shock. I yelped in pain.“Fuck!” The keys were smoking a little, mirroring my fingers. I quickly stuck them in my mouth.

Then I remembered how Kathrine unlocked the cell. Card, then key. I'm an idiot. I swiped the card and inserted the key again. Thankfully I didn't get shocked again. I turned it in a full circle and it clicked quietly. I pulled out the key and the door slowly started to open. Way too slowly.

The alarm was still blaring in the background, now accompanied by a few faint shouts.

“Shit.” I swore, kneeling down and aiming the AK-47 at the doorway. The roller door continued it's slow progress behind me. The shouting was progressively getting louder. I tightened my grip and lined up the sights to the center of the door. No fancy headshots, shoot to kill.

“Subject is highly dangerous! Approach with caution! Weapons free, GO GO GO!” The sound of boots on metal rang up the staircase as the guards approached.

I gritted my teeth and closed my left eye, my entire world reduced to the ironsights and the doorway. No second thoughts now.

The first guard's head appeared, swiftly followed by his torso and legs. I squeezed the trigger and prayed to the universe that I would live.

“So then what?” Shyv asked, shifting slightly in anticipation.

“Then what?” I laughed. “I held down the trigger until the clip was empty and by then the door was open enough that I could leave.”
“That's it?”

I sighed. “That's it? Jesus Christ.” I threw my hands up in the air. “I know I'm a badass but come on! I was fifteen and still mostly human. And I'll tell you what, facing a gun is a lot scarier when you've seen firsthand what they can do.”

She looked a bit disheartened. “Maybe so, but I felt as though you were building up to something massive.”

I shrugged. “That's life. The craziest stuff happens with no warning.” I rolled my eyes. “What do you think this is? A tv show?”

“You're doing that again.”

“Doing what again.”

“Using words that I have no idea of what they mean.”

I sighed and conceded the point. “Fine, a book then. Although it'd make for a pretty shitty book.”

Luna shrugged. “Depends who's writing it.”

“Knowing my luck, it'd be some social reject with no talent in writing whatsoever.”

“Maybe not.” Shyvanna countered. “They might be a great writer, and make it all the more incredible.”

I blinked. “I guess, but still would probably be the first one.”

Vi groaned and slammed her hoof down. “Could you not get into a debate about some fictional possibility? There was a reason for you telling us this tale in the first place.”

Celestia and Luna raised their eyebrows but did not comment.

I held my hands up in defeat. “Alright, I'm sorry. I get off on tangents. Anyway, that's how I escaped. I don't really need to tell you the rest.”

“And why is that?” Luna asked.

I tried to shrug nonchalantly. “Not really important.”

“You are a really bad liar.” Celestia muttered after a short pause.

Fucksticks. “Either way, I'm not going to tell you, at least for now. This has brought back enough bad memories as it is.”

“I can appreciate that.” Celestia said, a bit more gently. “But you were the one who brought it up.”

I considered that. “True.”

Nobody spoke for the next few seconds.

Finally, Shyv got sick of the silence and piped up. “So you've told us that. Why? For what purpose? I didn't really learn much besides how you first reacted to the 'bloodrage' thing and that it increases adrenaline or something.”

I coughed. “Uh, yeah. Sorry.”

“What do you mean 'sorry'?” Shyv demanded.

“I kind of... got caught up in memory lane.”

“Then what was the point of telling us all that?” Vi muttered to herself.

“Filler.”

Celestia sighed. “Filler for what?”

“I dunno, time? Once again, sorry. I got a bit carried away. Point is, my bloodrage surgery has changed a lot about the way my body works, but at a price. Well, more than one price.” I sighed and placed my head in my hands. “I'm going to die soon.”

“What?”

“Remember how I said my body overclocks? It's to do with that. Every time I enter a bloodrage, it attacks the cells of my body. Well, attacks isn't the right word. More like burns out. A cell can only reproduce a certain number of times, and because everything in my body has to start moving so fast and conduct so much energy, it kills the cells. So they reproduce at roughly four times the normal rate.” I looked up at the group again. “That sticks after a bloodrage. My body is killing itself far faster than it should, meaning I have around ten years to live if I stay healthy and never enter another bloodrage.”

“Ten years is plenty of time.” Celestia said reassuringly.

I slammed my fist into the carpet, producing a less than satisfying thud. “Says you! You're immortal! You never have to worry about time running out! Watching the moments of your life tick away!” I slumped forward. “You don't know what it's like to know that you'll die and you can't stop it. You don't know what it's like to choose between a quick death knowing everyone you love will die, or a slow one with the chance that they'll live.” I stood up. “You haven't had to watch yourself slip in and out of madness.” I looked her directly in the eye. “You don't know what it's like to look at someone and see nothing but how their blood could be spilled.”

An arm wrapped around my back, a hand on my shoulder. “Dude, calm down. You know what happened last time you lost control in the middle of a city.”

I sighed and slumped again. “Yeah, sorry.” I looked back at the group, slowed my breathing and forced back the insanity.

“Try not to make me angry. Not good for my health. Literally. That probably lost me a month of my life.”

Shyv and Vi looked up at me in horror. Celestia showed less of a reaction and Luna's face was completely blank.

Joel let his hand slide of my shoulder and sighed. “Brand new world Wards, new universe even. We have a fresh start, so lets not waste time dwelling on the past, eh?”

I smiled a little. “You got a point.” I clapped and rubbed my hands together. “So, about those weapons.”

39: Tangents, tangents everywhere.

Honor the Dead
by BinaryTroll
Pre-read/Edited by Honored Service
Chapter 39: “Tangents, Tangents everywhere.”

“I'm still unsure if I should return them to you.” Celestia replied. “And detailing just how dangerous you can be did little to change my mind.”

“Come on sister,” Luna argued. “He almost killed himself to get them.”

Celestia turned to her sister. “I'm more worried about your life, and the lives of our subjects.”

Joel sighed. “Look, I lived with Wardo for two years. He's only been in the bloodrage state five or six times since we started working together. It doesn't happen often, especially if he doesn't end up in combat much.”

“Besides,” I interjected. “I'm going to need some firepower if I'm going after the most powerful book in the world.”

Vi raised an eyebrow. “I thought you had things you wanted to do?”

I shrugged. “My mind is fickle, and besides, theres not a single human woman on the planet, I was unlikely to ever test out a 240 barrel shotgun, inventing time travel would be kinda hard and I could just get Twilight to help me with that, I'm yet to see a marmot in this world, let alone a puntable one, there's no real point in learning how to fight someone using playing cards, I can probably buy a pin from a shop and get somepony to enchant it, there are no existing computers I could use to learn to hack with, I'm sure I can find an excuse to drink a hundred cups of coffee one day, grafting a pair of wings onto my body would be painful and probably not really worth doing, learning how to fly a helicopter would probably be boring and I wouldn't use it that much, I unfortunately will not ever be able to complete the entirety of Fallout 3 and New Vegas, even if I did have a computer, back-flipping off the top of Canterlot is probably the last thing I'd want to do before I died, building a Minecraft world large enough to take up several terabytes would take far too long anyway, I have no reason to find a cure for cancer anymore, killing someone with a pogo stick just seems silly, there is no longer a Westboro Baptist church to make fun of, kicking someone down a well while screaming 'This is Sparta!' at the top of my lungs was never going to happen anyway, namely because I've never seen an actual well and lets be honest, I'm never going to be a good shot with all the time in the world to practice.”

Vi shook her head and sighed. “Why use five words when three hundred will do?”

I grinned. “You asked a question, you got the answer.”

“And I wasted about a minute of my life.” She muttered with a scowl.

I shrugged. “Don't blame me, blame yourself.”

“Can we get back on track here?” Luna asked, cutting off Vi's retort.

“Sure.” I said, turning back to face her.

She rolled her eyes. “Thank Faust. There are a few problems with allowing you to take back your weapons. One, it makes both of you more dangerous.” She gestured to Joel and I. “Two, it means that by doing so, my sister and I allow you to search for a grimore that could summon Cthulu, bring back an army of the dead and basically destroy the world. Three, if they fall into the wrong hooves it could ignite yet another war, and we are currently not even close to ready for that. I'm confident that you won't let that happen, but it is still a possibility. Four, it allows you two to work as assassins again, and my sister apparently outlawed that career path a few hundred years ago.”

“But you're totally not against Honored breaking out of a prison, murdering the king or caesar or whatever, running off and killing a bunch of other things, including an ursa major, not to mention the previous changeling war, in which he killed a bunch of changelings, many of which probably didn't even want to be there.”

Celestia scowled at me. “That was in self defense. I do not condone his actions, but he didn't have a choice.”

I crossed my arms raised an eyebrow. “We always have a choice. You could have chosen to lose the war, or he could have chosen to rot in prison, or die and be eaten. A choice is always available, and we must often choose between ourselves and others in life.”
She glanced quickly at Luna, who didn't seem to notice. “I know that better than anyone.”

I uncrossed my arms and sighed. “It doesn't really matter anyway. I'm a pretty terrible assassin. I probably should get a different career path anyway, but I dunno what.”

“You could be a baker.” Joel suggested with a laugh.

“I've always wanted to be a baker.” I said in a silly voice, mimicking the shield wielding assassin of the League.

The rest of the group stared at us blankly.

I waved my hand. “Nevermind.”

Luna continued as if the last ten seconds hadn't happened. “You two could become members of the Equestrian Honor Guard. You certainly would have the aptitude for it.”

I looked to Joel. He shrugged. “I'm not really the protecting type.”

“Neither. Besides, I'd probably have problems with authority.” I considered the proposition a bit longer. “Running through basic training could be fun, but it would screw over the whole secrecy thing a bit.”

Joel sighed. “I think you kind of screwed that over when you charged in here.”

“I didn't charge. I... um.”

Joel placed his fingers together and smiled evilly.

Charge was the perfect word to describe what I did. “Fuck you.”

He nodded as though I had said something profound.“Exactly.”

Luna sighed in exasperation. “Getting back on subject. Weapons.”

I clicked my fingers. “Right. First things first, it makes us more dangerous.”

“There are currently two hundred and thirty-six ways of killing one or both of you in this room, provided they are executed properly. That does not include the reclamation of our guns.” Joel said smugly.

I smiled sweetly at them. “So yeah, sleep tight.”

Celestia groaned. “And that is why I'm reluctant to the give them back to you, lest that number triple.”

“It doesn't matter how many ways there are, you'll be just as dead.” I replied.

“Then onto point two!” Joel said.

Luna sighed. “The Nerconomicon.”

“Exactly.” I leaned back against the wall. “The thing about Ol' Necky is that I'm going to hunt him down no matter what. I might as well, since I got nothing better to do.”

Joel continued for me. “We have no source of income, no reasonable home and I'm pretty sure that having the Necronomicon in our possession will be far safer than one of the many insane villains of this universe.”

Celestia considered those points. “I would feel better about this if you would deliver it back to us, instead of using it for your own purposes.”

“We could even pay you if you do.” Luna said, catching on.

“Sounds fine to me.” Shyv said.

Vi nodded. “On one condition though. If we succeed, you must help me in the rehabilitation of my people, as well as help create a less hostile atmosphere for changelings in society.”

“Any objections sister?” Celestia asked.

Luna shook her head. “You have my full support.”

Celestia extended a hoof. “Done.”

Vi shook it. “Looking forward to it.”

I blinked. “Wait a second... Did you just seal a deal that could change the future of the world in about ten seconds?”

“I believe we did, yes.”

I shook my head in bewilderment. “Man, if only Earth's politics moved this fast.”

“You still have to retrieve the Necronomicon.” Celestia reminded me.

I raised an eyebrow. “And you still have to give me back my knives.”

“I guess I should, shouldn't I?” She sighed. “Fine. Give me a second.”

She stood up and closed her eyes. Yellow magic flowed through her horn and gathered at the tip, spinning faster and faster as more gathered. Slowly, small sparks of black, red and green joined the roiling mass. When all the magical energy had gone dark, she opened her eyes and slashed her horn vertically downward, leaving a trail of darkness in it's wake. The trail shimmered and widened, until it was wide enough to walk through.

And there, suspended in a field of yellow magic, was a ballistic knife with two spare knives, two black combat knives, a G2 FAMAS with two extra magazines, an Arctic Warfare Police sniper rifle with three extra magazines, twin glock-18s with two spare clips each, one normal, one incendiary, a broken set of brass knuckles, two long blades attached to motorcycle handbrakes, a .44 magnum revolver with no ammo and a missing hammer and finally, Luna and Celestia, my two precious bowie knives that had claimed more lives than any one of the other weapons floating in the portal.

I reached in and grabbed the two knives, holding them reverently for a second before automatically sheathing them in my coat.

Which I didn't have on.

The knives clattered to the floor, narrowly missing my feet. “Shit!” I sprang back, almost crashing into Shyv.

Joel shook his head and reached out, claiming his Glocks and stuffing them in his pockets. He swiped his combat knife and sheathed that too, before finally reaching out and taking his AWP with both hands, smiling down at it with a tenderness that could only be shared with an inanimate object. He pulled back the bolt with a loud click and slammed a magazine into the receiver, before slamming the bolt forward again with practiced ease.

I grabbed the ballistic knives, combat knife and FAMAS and placed them carefully in a small pile beside me. I grabbed the brass knuckles too, despite their state, and stuffed them in one of my many pockets.

Finally, I picked up the sisters and cradled them in my arms reverently, checking the edge and paint. It was scuffed and scratched all over the place, but they were unmistakably the pair of knives that had saved my life so many times.

Vi stepped up to the rift in reality and took out the broken revolver. She held it up curiously, studying the internal mechanisms, especially the cylinder that would usually hold the shots.

Finally, Shyvanna stepped forward and removed the pair of improvised swords. She held them aloft for a second before tucking them under her wings.

Celestia relaxed, letting the spell fall and the rift mend itself. I looked up from the knives in my arms to the princesses they were named after. “Was storing these in a pocket dimension really necessary?”

Celestia was panting heavily. “I didn't want to take any chances.”

I looked back down at the knives I was clutching protectively to my chest. “I would have never forgiven you if you lost them.”

Luna looked at me with interest. “You really love those knives, don't you?”

I ran a thumb lovingly across Celestia's still razor sharp edge. “Of course I do. They're my pride and joy.”

Celestia floated her bladed counterpart over to her. “I'm still curious as to why you painted our cutiemarks on them.”

I snatched it back. “It's because, in my eyes at least, they were the closest thing to a physical embodiment of you two.” I dropped my eyes. “Now I've actually met you, it feels kinda awkward to say.”

Celestia raised an eyebrow. “And?”

I threw my head back and groaned. “Fine. Just be prepared for corniness.” I cleared my throat and raised Celestia (the knife) above my head. “The day is practicality and getting shit done.” I lifted Luna (the knife) to join it. “The night is beauty and about having fun. The light is the part of me I will always need, the dark is the part of me I will always love.” I lowered both the knives to my sides. “Celestia is my pride, Luna is my joy.”

“Poetic.” Vi commented.

I pointed Luna at her. “Oh shut up. I told you it was going to be corny.”

“I thought that was rather nice.” Shyv said, trying to cheer me up.

Joel clapped slowly. “Bravo, ten out of ten. Would listen to again.”

I swung Celestia in his general direction, which he promptly side-stepped. “And fuck you too.”

He grinned. “Usually I don't swing that way, but anything for you Wards.”

I facepalmed. “I'd turn your face into mincemeat, but we both know I can't cook for shit.”

“Have you ever considered becoming comedians?” Luna asked, rolling her eyes. “I hear slapstick is all the rage these days.”

“Fuck that, I have better things to do.” I replied, scooping up the rest of my weapons into my arms. “Speaking of, where's my coat?”

Joel was the one who answered. “It's up in your hammock, along with your boots and a new pair of socks, courtesy of one of the more trusted maids I believe.”

"Who made the socks?"

"I got them especially for you." Luna said, face oddly blank.

I rubbed my hands together. “Excellent. In that case, I will see you later. I have a coat to wear!”

“That has got to be be the worst parting line ever. Of all time.” Joel muttered.

Author's Note

Welp, Honored's gone AWOL. So that's fun.

40: Preparation and procrastination.

Honor the Dead
by BinaryTroll
Pre-read/Edited by Honored Service
Chapter 40: “Preparation and procrastination.”

I kicked off the wall and caught the top of the bookcase that passed for my room in Canterlot. After swinging my legs up onto the end, I rolled across the bookcase and dropped into my hammock. Something poked me in the back. I rolled over and grabbed my boots.

Carbon fibers interwoven with normal fabrics, titanium alloy toe, shin length with a zip instead of laces. These boots were extremely flexible, durable and excellent for running, sneaking and fighting. They gave a pleasing weight to my movement and were easy to take on and off. They were also custom built and comfortable as fuck. If worn with socks.

I sat up and placed them at the end of my hammock before reaching behind me once again to extract my magnificent coat out from under me.

I hugged it close for a few seconds, just letting the softness and warmth of the fabric settle around me. I loved this coat, it was the first thing I truly owned through my own hard work. I copied the organization XIII design and made it more practical, I designed the sheathes, specified every measurement, asked for the fabric around the hips to be stiffened slightly so it flares out like it does in the games. I earned the money to pay for it, and it felt so good when I finally swung it around my shoulders. It fit perfectly. It still does in fact.

The woman I asked to make it was a bit odd. I'd been asked to carry out an assassination attempt on her, the price was fairly nice for a civilian. So I had walked up to her house with a gun I'd picked up from one of my previous attempts and knocked on the door. She opened it and I tried to shoot her, but the shots didn't fire. She had smiled at me and invited me in, so I accepted. We talked for awhile, and I eventually found out that she was a seamstress. I asked why anyone would want her dead, and she just laughed at me. So I asked her if she could make a coat. She said she could, and that she knew exactly what I'd need it for. I brought her the designs and paid her, after telling my client that she had disappeared. She made the coat, and told me that it would protect me until I had completed the task that had been set out for me by the universe. I guess I didn't believe that whole spiritual task thing, but it's protected me just fine, so I'm not complaining.

I lay it down on top of me and rummaged around a bit more. My hand closed around something very soft and fluffy, so I pulled it out.

It was a pair of socks.

I stared at them for a full minute before muttering, “Luna, you are going to die. Horribly.”

A tower or two away

“Come on now. Carefully.” I reached out with a small tendril of magical energy and started to snake it towards the small device. “Steady.” I poked it through the rectangular hole and spread it out, matching the shape. “Almost there...”

The was a loud crack, and then the door to my room exploded inwards, accompanied by a yell of “YOU'RE DEAD!”.

I screamed and lost control of my magic, sending it streaming into the iPod. The device shuddered and sparked a few times, before lighting up in a dark blue.

Edward's eye was twitching and his head was cocked to one side. He looked completely unhinged. “I'm going to kill you. I'm going to fuc-” His entire stance changed as he noticed the floating iPod, straightening up and seeming to focus more. “Why is my iPod flying?”

I regained my composure and tried to ignore the splintered door. “I was trying to fix it before you burst into the room like a maniac.”

He shrugged, all trace of his previous anger gone. “I am a maniac.” He stepped forward and studied the floating device. “That's odd.”

I joined him. “What's odd?”

He reached out and poked it. “It's not loading how it should.”

I raised an eyebrow at the unfamiliar use of 'loading'. “What do you mean?”

He grabbed it and tapped the glowing rectangle. “See here? That should be an apple symbol on a black background, like on the back. But it isn't. It's your cutie-mark on an indigo background that matches your coat.”

That didn't mean anything to me. “So?”

He flipped it around in his hands. “So, something happened to it. Your magic is interfering with the programming somehow.”

I shook my head. “I have no idea what your talking about.”

Edward straightened up and pocketed it. “I'd be a bit concerned if you did. Anyway, thanks for fixing it.”

I smiled.“You're welcome.”

He turned to leave, but paused halfway out the door. “Socks.”

“Pardon?”

He turned around. His eye was twitching again. “The fucking socks.”

Oh. I smiled evilly at him, throwing up an invisible shield. “Do you like them?”

“You know what I hate?” He grimaced. “I hate the color pink. MLP made me realize it could be used well, without making me want to tear my eyes out and remove all parts of my brain associated with sight. You know when it isn't used well? With orange and yellow. Hearts. And not the fun kind of hearts that spew blood everywhere when you rip them out of people's chests.” He raised his hand and clenched it into a claw. “Or ponies' chests.” Was it just me or were his canines getting longer? “No, it's the kind that makes me want to crawl into a hole and die from embarrassment, cause I've never been good with all the sappy stuff.”

“So you like them?” I said with a smile, confident in my shield's strength.

He placed a hand on the shield and shattered it like it was nothing. “No. No I do not.”

I recoiled. “How did you-”

“Luna my dear, you seem to have forgotten,” He smiled, showing off a a row of teeth that were far sharper than they should be. “humans are resistant to magic.”

I looked up at his smug face and grinned back. “Maybe so, but how resistant are you to a hoof to the face?”

“Huh?”

I punched him in the nose.

“Son of a bitch!” He fell backwards, clutching his face. “That hurt!”

I raised an eyebrow. “You were trying to kill me.”

He made on odd gesture with his hand, which involved him raising the middle finger in my direction. “I was only going to horrifically maim you so you would look back on this moment every day for the rest of your immortal life and wish you had chosen a pair of nice, plain socks.”

He picked himself up and tried to muster up his dignity, which was rather difficult since I caught a glimpse of his new socks and burst out laughing.

He stuck a finger each nostril, stemming the tide of blood. “You'll pay for this.” He muttered in an incredibly nasal voice that just made me laugh even harder.

“You're getting blood all over my carpet.” I said, finally managing to regain my composure.

He twitched slightly and left without a word.

I picked up the remains of my doors and tried to fit them back in place for a few seconds, before giving up and letting them sag there in the doorway. I'd get somepony two fix them later.

Edward stuck his head around the door, fountains of blood once again gushing from his nose. “By the way, you will literally pay for this, I'm using your medical supplies.” He grabbed two cotton buds off my dresser, stuck them up his nostrils and said, “Now I bid you adieu.” before running off again.

“Well that was an eventful morning.” I said to myself, falling back onto my bed.

Way to Fancy, clothes store, Canterlot

I looked down at my hands, coated in a dull green fur that was almost grey, then up a bit, to my teats. Or breasts. Or udders. Or whatever these things are. Minotaurs are weird. Everything seemed to be in order, although I hope my memory wasn't failing me. It had been a long time since I'd taken on this form.

I stopped exploring my new disguise and straightened up, trying to blend in as well as a changeling in the form of a seven foot tall female minotaur could. Just... be casual. Because, you know. That's easy to do when you haven't stood on two legs for a good five or six years. I really wish that Joel could have just done this himself.

I inhaled, taking in all the roiling emotions. Hate, love, friendship, ecstasy, lust, a few bits of insanity here and there. A smile creeped onto my face at the variety. I've missed this. I've missed this so much. The clusterfuck of ponies, all running around, worried, stressed, content, happy. In love. It was glorious. I loved them all, the pegasi, unicorns and earth ponies. It's just a shame they didn't love me back.

I shook myself out of my thoughts and regained focus. The faster I got this done, the faster I could get back to that steamy love affair. Mmm. Forbidden. The best flavor of love. If I was lucky, I might even get on in a four way.

But that was for later. I walked slowly and deliberately into the store, taking care to not fall over or bump into anypony. I tried not to stare at the horrendously impractical array of dresses, suits and other assorted clothing items that lined the walls of the store, instead making beeline for the desk near the back. The pony sitting there was wearing a set of small reading glasses, a beret and an obnoxiously fancy suit. I coughed politely. He punched a few numbers into a calculator and ignored me.

I coughed again and said. “Excuse me?”

“You're excused.” He replied curtly, not looking up.

I sighed. “I'm here to collect an order.”

He looked up for a second before returning to his papers. “Good for you.”

Well, this one just oozed arrogance. It poured off him like a waterfall. I suppressed the urge to throw up. “I'm Viridi, would you be able to tell me where I can collect my order?”

“I suppose I could.” He said, moving a small pile of bits into a bag.

I growled. “And you know what I could do? Smash your face into this desk repeatedly.”

He looked up at me with the most annoying smile I had ever seen. “But then you wouldn't get your order.”

No fear at all. This stallion evidently didn't deal with minotaurs very often. But I think I had a better idea than simply smashing his face in. “Perhaps, but...” I let some of my normal voice flicker through. “it would be rather satisfying.”

There was the fear. “That's a rather impressive trick you can do with your voice there.”

“Can I just have my order please?” I said, letting my normal fangs to fill my mouth. “It would be a shame if I had to...” I smiled, showing off my razor sharp teeth. “Inconvenience you further.”

The stallion stumbled backwards. “Um, yes. Right away.”

I watched him scamper off to fetch my package. I was still smiling. Nothing like a bit of fear to brighten up your day. A bit tangy and an acquired taste, but hey.
The manager or clerk or whatever he was scrambled back, almost knocking over several display stands in his haste. He handed me the package and said in a small voice, “Your order, Madam.”

I took the brown paper wrapped clothes and studied it. It looked a little flat. “Where's the top hat?”

“It's collapsible.” He replied, nervously clicking his hooves together. “Now if there's nothing else, I really must be going.”

I nodded. “Alright then, thank you.”

“Th-thank you.” He stuttered before zooming off as fast as he could.

I shook my head and sighed. It would be so much easier if ponies could just do their jobs, instead of having to be all high and mighty about it. I much preferred Ponyville. At least they had an appreciation for hard work.

I turned and left the shop, package slung over my shoulder. That was an interesting feeling, I was more used to carrying things with magic, or in saddle bags. It felt rather nice actually. I'll have to try out this form more often. Maybe even try being Joel. I grinned mischievously. That would be interesting.

But first, I needed to get this package back to Joel. I morphed into a less conspicuous form, a green coated earth pony with a fuzzy orange mane and placed the clothes on my back. It would still look a bit odd, but far less worthy of notice than a minotaur. Now I just had to get back.

I looked up at the towers looming above me and wondered why I didn't have any good pegasus disguises. I was in for a long climb.

Dammit Joel. You'd better make this worth my while.

Author's Note

Blegh, that took way too long to write.

And I haven't done the stat thing in a while. So here you go.

Name: Edward
Mental condition: Content
Physical condition: recovering, but high
Clothing: Organisation XIII coat (fireproof, water resistant, impact resistant), Cargo pants, Boots (mid shin length, titanium alloy toe, extremely flexible and impact resistant)
Weapons: 'Luna and Celestia' (Titanium alloy, 47 cm long Bowie knives, with D-guard and cutiemarks of the corresponding sister), G2 Famas assault rifle(2 ~~clips~~ mags), combat knife (black), ballistic knife (two knives)
Other: 7 dragon scales, gum

Strength: 9
Perception: 8
Endurance: 2
Charisma: 3
Intelligence: 9
Agility: 9
Luck: 8

Name: Joel
Mental condition: Content
Physical condition: Peak
Clothing: SOON ;)
Weapons: AWP sniper rifle ('slightly modified', 5-20x zoom scope, 2 mags), twin glock-18s (2 mags normal, 1 incendiary), combat knife
Other:

Strength: 8
Perception: 9
Endurance: 10 (Thank fuck for jug)
Charisma: 6
Intelligence: 9
Agility: 9
Luck: 6

Name: Shyvanna
Mental condition: happy
Physical condition: Well, slightly restless
Clothing: None
Weapons: Magic, fire breath, motorcycle blades
Other: None

Strength: 6
Perception: 9
Endurance: 6
Charisma: 5
Intelligence: 8
Agility: 10 (wings)
Luck: 5

Name: Viridi Apis
Mental condition: Kinky
Physical condition: Peak
Clothing: None
Weapons: Magic, Changeling web, magic revolver
Other: None

Strength: 3
Perception: 9
Endurance: 4
Charisma: 10 (Emotional connection)
Intelligence: 8
Agility: 10 (wings)
Luck: 8

42: History lesson: The chapter.

Honor the Dead
by BinaryTroll
Pre-read/Edited by Honored Service.
Chapter 42: “History lesson: The chapter.”

The instant Joel walked into the library I think I got a coat boner.

He was wearing a long, gray tailcoat with a green lining and silver stitching, impeccably detailed with swirls running from the cuffs up round the shoulders and down the back, finally finishing at the tips of the tails. Four gleaming silver buttons lined both sides, and he wore the coat open, exposing a clean white shirt complete with bow tie and an under-jacket, which holstered within it the combat knife and two Glocks. The shirt tucked into a leather belt with an ornate silver buckle, that held up a pair of gray trousers, with similar swirling designs stitched into them. His wore a new pair of shoes too, that looked deceptively formal, but were built like proper running shoes, complete with a sole that had such an insane grip, I wouldn't be surprised if he could casually swagger up walls.

And then there was his top hat. My god, that top hat was incredible. It was a simple gray, yet gloriously elegant in design. The same flowing silver stitching curled around the rim, but that wasn't even the best bit. The best bit was the goggles. A pair of flight goggles wrapped their way around the circumference of the hat, with green lenses and a black strap that had more of the silver stitched into it, they looked simply fantastic.

Joel casually leaned on his AWP like it was a cane and smiled up at me. “So, what do you think Wardo?”

I shook my head. “Jesus Christ on a flaming bicycle made of motherfucking cheesecake. That is one of the coolest things I've ever seen.”

He straightened up and slung the AWP around to rest on his back. “And that's not all, check this out.” He pulled out his combat knife and shredded his jacket sleeve.

“What the hell dude?” I jumped down off my hammock, rolled on the marble floor and ran over.

He smiled and held out his arm. “Wait for it...”

The cut threads of the sleeve whipped out and tangled themselves together in a complex pattern before settling back into their inert state. The sleeve was pristine and whole.

I poked the sleeve and ran it through my hands. It was perfectly smooth. “Woah. I want that.”

He grinned like a kid with a new toy. “And that's not all, it repels all dirt, dust and all that good stuff.”

“Where did you get this?” I asked, shaking my head in wonder.

“Way to Fancy, it's a clothing store.”

I raised an eyebrow. “And when did you get the time or money to get it?”

He shrugged. “I didn't really, Vi just took my measurements and ordered it to my specifications. I don't know where the money came from.”

I laughed. “If it was Vi who got it, I kinda don't want to.”

He laughed along with me. “Yeah, she's a bit... raunchy isn't she?”

“You could call me that.”

I jumped and spun around. “Where the hell did you come from?”

She had licked something white off her lip that I really hope was milk. “Come is the right word. I was having breakfast.”

“It's like, 6 in the afternoon.” Joel said.

She smiled. “And I had an all day breakfast.” Her smile grew wider. “Did you know the hot springs are just a few levels below the library? Very secluded.”

I sighed. “Waaaaaaaaay too much information at this point. Just saying.”

If her grin grew any bigger I swear it would extend past her face. “I thought you were interested in my eating habits, and that should include my drinking habits as well.”

I held up a hand. “Stop. Please, for the love of Celestia stop.”

Her grin did manage extend past her face. Yay cartoon physics. “I thought you liked Luna though.”

I turned my back on her. “This conversation is over.”

She laughed in an incredibly deep voice. “Oh no, its only just begun.”

“Was the voice change really necessary?” I grumbled, reminded of a certain German scientist. His soul can go fuck itself.

Her shit eating grin was still plastered across her smug face. At least it wasn't breaking science anymore. “Perhaps not, but I must say, that one did bring up some interesting emotions from both of you.”

Joel groaned. “An assassination on this insane German Nazi guy. He was about as stereotypical supervillain as you can get. May Satan kick his ass in hell.”

“If that's the anger, then what's the resentment?” Vi asked, raising an eyebrow.

“He owed me twenty bucks.” I muttered.

Vi face-hoofed. “What is a buck anyway?” She asked. “Is it the human equivalent of a bit?”

I looked a Joel and shrugged. “I have no idea how much a bit is even worth relative to human currency. Tell you the truth, I hardly have any idea how much human currency is worth relative to human currency.”

“Stupid exchange rates.” Joel muttered. “I hate economics.”

I rolled my eyes. “You and me both.”

Vi sniffed. “Well, you've come to the wrong city. The ponies here only care about bits and power, and the only reason they care about power is because it rakes in bits.” She shook her head. “The amount of greed in the castle is overwhelming.” She licked her lips and looked off into the distance, as if remembering a fond memory. “Fortunately there's at least some who know how to keep it spicy.”

“Don't want to know.” Joel said shortly.

She sighed. “Fine.”

“Speaking of spices, who's hungry?” Shyv asked, appearing out of nowhere.

I jumped slightly. “Sacrebleu! Could you two please stop doing that?”

Joel raised an eyebrow. “Sacrebleu? Who are you, Poirot?”

I shook my head. “Nah, I don't have the mustache for it.”

“Nobody can have the mustache to be Poirot.”

I held up a finger in objection. “Incorrect. Poirot has the mustache to be Poirot.”

Joel nodded slowly, as if the conversation we were having was of great significance. “True.”

Shyv tapped a hoof to her chin. “Poirot? It sound's a bit like what those ponies from the north speak like. What was it called?”

“French?” Vi suggested.

“BELGIUM!” Joel and I shouted together.

“Well the language is technically French though.” I said, contradicting myself a moment later.

“How are there French ponies in Equestria?” Joel asked. “In fact, how are there English ponies in Equestria?”

“Aren't those the old human words for the different nations?” Vi said, thinking out loud. “I believe the majority of Equestrian comes from the humans' language.”

I dug through my memory, trying to remember lore from a variety of different game and TV show universes. “But wait a sec, those vaults were like the Vaults, from Fallout. Human sized and everything, plus all the mechanisms were made for human hands.”

“Meaning the humans were originally from the vaults.” Joel mused.

“But everything else in the wasteland either died or...” I stared at Shyv for a second. “Holy shit.”

“You're mutants.” Joel said in wonder.

“Thanks.” Shyv and Vi muttered in unison.

“No no no.” I waved my hands, realizing my mistake. “Not like that. I mean you're life forms that were originally a different species, but due to the presence of large amounts of radiation, horses or ponies must have mutated, producing unicorns, pegasi, changelings and earth ponies alike. In fact, humans are probably one of the last remaining species unaffected by evolution and mutation on this planet right now.”

Joel tapped his chin, deep in thought. “I wonder how the brahmin ended up as cows again?”

I scratched my head. “A GECK maybe? It would explain why Equestria isn't a wasteland.”

“Good theory.” We said nothing for a couple of seconds before he muttered, “Wait a sec.”

“What?”

He spread his arms, like he wanted to hug the bookcase. “We're in a library, we could just look it up.”

I raised a finger, stopping him. “No, we can't. Neither of us can read Equestrian.”

He raised an eyebrow. “It's just English though, isn't it?”

I shook my head, pulled out one of the comics on a nearby shelf and handed it to him.

He opened it up and flicked through. “This looks like some sort of crazy Latin, Greek, Russian mix.”

I put the comic back. “Yeah. I really wish I had that one translation potion thingy.”

He crossed his arms. “Why don't we go get it then?”

“It kinda means we gotta talk to Zecora, who lives in the Everfree near Ponyville. And you know how much fun it was the last time we were in there.”

“At least we had actual meat back then.” He sighed. “I'm so sick of eating salad, baked beans and toast.”

“And speaking of food, it's dinnertime.” Shyv said, pointing out the window. The sky was dark. “So, like I said ten minutes ago, can we get some thing to eat?”

“All in favor?” I asked.

“Aye.”

I grinned and rubbed my hands together. “Lets go get dinner then.”

A few hours later

I ran my hand through my newly burnt hair. “Goddamnit. And it had just recovered from when Celly set it on fire too...”

“That's what you get for pissing off a dragon.” Shyv muttered, munching on a particularly large ruby.

“We killed like, twenty in the last month and I came back without a scratch.” I exclaimed, spreading my arms to prove it, not that she'd be able to see any of my skin under my coat.

“You know, I think stones and trees have hurt you more than actual people lately.” Joel observed, eating a vegetarian taco.

I shrugged. “I guess it serves me right then. Maybe I should be more careful in the future.”

Joel raised an eyebrow while sinking his teeth into the taco with a satisfying crunch.

I raised my burrito to my mouth.“Yeah, you're right. Fuck that.” It was rather nice, considering it was made entirely of vegetables.

“Maybe we should actually get searching for the Necronomicon, at least we'll get paid for that. Stealing dinner every night is getting annoying.” Shyv sighed, finishing off the ruby.

“Maybe, but it's kinda nice to do this every night. It's a sort of social thing, you know?” Joel said, grabbing another taco.

I swallowed the last of my burrito. “Yeah, and look at the view.”

I stared up at the sky drinking in the sight. Tiny points of light twisted and turned across the deep blue canvas that was the, forming pictures that disappeared the instant you glanced away. There was always another star, another shining angel floating in the heavens. It was as strange and unfamiliar and beautiful as time itself. And through it all, the moon dominated the sky, blazing like the sun. The mare in the moon shined proudly on its surface, reminding the world that perhaps eternal night wouldn't be so bad after all.

“Thank you Luna.” I realized I was grinning like a fool, but I didn't care. This was what I lived for.

Shyv poked me. “You alright there?”

I put my arm around her shoulders and pulled her in next to me. I pointed up at the stars. “Look.”

She searched the horizon before looking at me in confusion. “What? It's just the sky.”

“Just the sky?” I shook my head. “You have no idea.” I leaned back, pulling her to the ground with me. “Look up there, can you see the scales?”

She studied the heavens for a few seconds and nodded. “Sort of.”

“Libra, stands for judgment and balance. The scales of justice. My sign.” I snorted. “Ironic, isn't it?”

“I don't really get it.”

I continued to scan for other constellations I recognized. “It's an old human thing, people used to make shapes out of the stars, trying to find meaning in them. Somebody then had the idea to assign these meanings and symbols to people, based on when they were born. I was born under the star sign Libra, which means it was the highest in the sky at the time.”

Shyv sighed quietly. “I don't know when I was born. I certainly don't remember the sky that night either.”

I shrugged. “It doesn't really matter, it's all a bunch of crap. I just like looking at the stars.” I pointed at a shape high in the sky. “See, there's a knife.”

“It's all about knives with you isn't it?” She said, smiling a bit.

“That's not true! It's sometimes about guns too.”

She rolled her eyes and settled back. “You need a hobby.”

“The last time he got one of those he burned the house down.” Joel said, placing his arms behind his head and lying back beside me.

“Making boats is a perfectly good hobby!” I retorted.

He rolled over and gave me a bored look. “And setting them on fire?”

“Is fun!”

“Branden alle boten.” Shyv muttered.

“Is that spanish?” I asked.

“Dutch.” She replied. “Burn the boats. It's an old saying that originated from when the dragonlands were invaded. They burned the boats so the slave warriors couldn't escape, meaning that they could do nothing else but fight.”

“They?” Joel asked. “Like, what race?”

“It was a very long time ago, griffins took ponies as slaves. They wanted to expand their empire until it encompassed the entire world.” She sighed. “Besides mostly abolishing slavery, they haven't changed much.”

“Actually, wasn't just the griffins. The legion was originally founded by humans.” Vi interjected. “But that was tens of thousands of years ago. I don't know much about it, but apparently some of the oldest history still survives in the depths of the Canterlot library.”

I groaned. “But neither Joel nor I can read Equestrian.”

“Maybe we will have to pay a visit to this Zecora then.” Vi mused.

“Not to mention the library is a good place to start if we want leads on where the Necronomicon is.” Joel muttered.

I cracked my knuckles. “True shit. Let's head off tomorrow. You guys fine with that?”

The was a general chorus of agreement.

“Excellent.” I got up and peeked off the edge of the roof we had been lying on, all the way up at the top of Canterlot. “Now how the fuck do we get down from here?”

Author's Note

Does anybody remember Poirot?

43: BONUS 5: Dinnertime: The Heist.

Honor the Dead
by BinaryTroll
Pre-read/Edited by
Chapter 43: BONUS 5: “Dinnertime: The heist.”

A few hours earlier

“Alright Shyv, you're thermite.” I said, pointing to her.

She looked at me questioningly. “What's a thermite?”

I rolled my eyes and pointed at Vi. “Alright Vi, you're the drill.”

“I prefer to be drilled myself.” She replied with a devilish grin.

Finally, I pointed to Joel. “We're going to gun down anybody who comes after us.” I glared at him, daring him to comment.

He raised an eyebrow. “You mean I'm going to gun down anybody who comes after us.”

I groaned. “Fuck it, whatever. Shoot to wound, not kill. I don't want the princesses to get on our cases.”

Joel shrugged. “Fair enough.”

“Alright then, any questions?”

Shyv raised a hoof. “What's a thermite?”

I sighed. “Fe2O3 + 2 Al. It produces a brief burst of high temperature when lit. Basically, I want you to burn through the wall.”

“Why didn't you say that in the first place then?” She asked.

I threw my hands up. “Doesn't matter! Lets just go!”

Joel pulled this new goggles over his eyes and adjusted his bow tie. He sprinted to the edge of the roof of the building we were standing on and leaped off, yelling; “Geronimo!”

Shyv quickly followed suit, taking a powerful flap and soaring into the air, yelling; “Allonz-y!”

Vi morphed into a gunmetal gray unicorn wearing a fancy looking suit and climbed down a small hatch behind me, muttering; “Fantastic.”

I stared after where my friends had jumped off and sighed. “Oh for god's sake.” I sprinted forward and front-flipped off after them.

The instant I hit the ground, there was a beep from one of my many pockets.

“The fuck was-” Music began to play.“That?”

I grinned. I must've accidentally hit my iPod. Fuck it, why not? I've missed music. I sprinted into the building, pulling my hood up over my face. Shoulder charging the door, I burst into the room, Luna and Celestia at the ready. Joel was standing over a pair of ponies who were lying prone on the ground with their hooves tied.

He showed me a key. “Got access to the upper level window control.”

“Excellent.”

Together we smashed down a pair of flimsy wooden doors and continued further into the depths of the building. A pair of security guards were waiting just inside the doors, swords at the ready. I jumped forward and kicked the first one in the face, knocking his hat off his head and staggering him. Spinning around in place, I brought my heel up and smashed it into his temple with a loud crunch, knocking him out cold.

Joel finished disposing of his partner in a similar fashion, bringing his heel up and slamming it down on top of the guard's head, making him collapse onto the ground. Behind us, I could hear an alarm wailing. “Let's get this over with, fast.” I said.
Joel nodded in reply and blazed off with staminup level speed.

I tried to keep up as best I could, which was pretty badly considering the speed he was running at. A crossbow bolt streaked past my head, almost taking my ear off. I spun around quickly, noting a trio of guards in the room behind me, each armed with a crossbow. To avoid getting a hole in my chest, I vaulted over a nearby desk and ducked behind it, just as two more bolts whistled over my head.

I sheathed the sisters and pulled out my FAMAS. As I emerged from cover, I sighted down the iron sights and sprayed the floor in front of the guards, the recoil and bullet spread hitting one in the ankle. That should slow them down. I sprinted for the next doorway.

Two rooms away

I reloaded my Glocks, catching the magazines and storing them away for later use if I could get more shots for them. Six guards lay on the ground in front of me, each clutching various wounds in their legs. Vi stood behind me, magically picking the lock a door to upstairs.

I heard a shout from outside. “Move in! Go go go!” More guards. Great.

Two crossbow bolts sped through the doorway, accompanied by one blue-haired human.

“Sup Wards?” I asked, watching as he plastered himself to the wall beside the door.

He ejected a magazine from his FAMAS and loaded another. “Help?”

I sighed good-naturedly and shook my head. “What, can't deal with a few guards?”

He scowled. “Fine. I'll do this myself.”

I yawned and leaned casually back against the wall. “Go for it.”

He dived back out the door, firing wildly. I groaned and went over to check on how Vi was doing. “You almost done?” I asked, looking over her shoulder at the thick metal door. A small green glow was coming from the lock. She didn't reply for a few seconds. Finally, with a flourish, she kicked the door open.

She turned around and grinned. “Done.”

I stuck my head around the doorway. “We're in!” I called.

Edward punched the last guard in the temple with a meaty crack, before spinning around and jogging back towards me. Music was still blaring out of his iPod for some reason.

I led the way through the door, Glocks raised. Vi was in the center, revolver at the ready. Edward took up the rear, constantly darting away to knock out a guard or two. I found a fire escape and ran up it to search for the window lock and the shut down for the automatic fire quenching systems, leaving Edward and Vi to secure the room just above our objective.

Outside

I grabbed another hoofful of fire rubies we had stolen in a raid a week ago and shoveled them into my mouth, barely managing to contain the flames I was building up in my spark pouch. At this point they were past white hot, and they threatened to suffocate me if I wasn't careful. I gagged slightly at the taste, although I managed to keep my mouth closed.

There was a loud hiss and the window below me popped open. I dove in, taking care not to clip my wings on the frame.

Fortunately, there was something to cushion my fall just inside.

“Ow.” Edward groaned, slowly picking himself up.

I almost said sorry, before remembering the superheated fire waiting in my spark pouch.

“Why is it always me?” He complained. “Joel's the one with jug, how come he can't be the one who gets beaten up all the time?”

I tapped him on the shoulder and gestured towards my mouth.

He pointed towards the center of the room. “Over there.”

I nodded and quickly cantered over, eager to spit the flame out of my spark pouch. It itched.

I opened my jaws and let a white hot inferno burst forth, burning through the thick metal in a matter of seconds. Tiny glowing particles of magma dripped into the room below me.

Speaking of the room below me...

“What the hell is this?” I screamed back to Edward, who was kicking a pair of guards out the window, yelling 'SPARTA!' for some reason.

He looked over and flinched. “Um Shyv, your hair... uh mane, is on fire.” He shrunk back a little further. “Again.”

I couldn't care less. “A FUCKING MEXICAN RESTAURANT?”

He smiled guiltily. “Yeah...”

“All this to get into a fucking Mexican restaurant!”

Edward nodded slowly. “When you say it that way, it makes this sound like a stupid and dangerous idea.”

I scowled. “That's because it is.”

“I've heard they make exceptional tacos here.” Joel added helpfully.

I groaned. “Well, theres nothing we can do about it now. Lets get this over with.”

Edward stood up a little taller. “How about we find a dragon cave after this is done and get some food for you too?”

“That sounds even stupider and even more dangerous.” I muttered.

The next morning

I sniffed my soot blackened coat and sighed. I'm never going to get the bloody thing clean now. And I smell like a miner too.

“Fuck my life.” I muttered.

“Oh cheer up.” Joel said elbowing me in the side. “At least I'm clean!”

I wrung out some soot from sleeve and threw it at him. It bounced off his jacket, leaving his clothes as pristine as ever and a dirty black smear on the library floor. “And fuck you too.”

Author's Note

Fun fact, I have now played PAYDAY 2. It was exactly what I thought it would be.

44:Knowledge is power.

Honor the Dead
by BinaryTroll
Pre-read/Edited by
Chapter 44:“Knowledge is power.”

I woke up early in the morning, far earlier than usual. The sun had only just peeked above the horizon, painting it the color of the leaves in autumn. Edward, Joel and Shyvanna were all still sleeping, so I quietly climbed out of my hammock and onto the bookshelf that served as the group's living area. I blinked the tiredness out of my eyes and looked around. A small square of white caught my eye, lying at the base of the hook that secured my hammock to the bookshelf. I picked it up. It was an envelope, addressed to me.

I frowned. The only ponies who would know me by my real name would be the princesses. I tore it open and read it.

Dear Viridi,

I have a matter that I would like to discuss with you that is suited to your particular area of expertise, specifically, changeling magic. If you know of anypony that is also skilled in enchanting armor or other items, you are welcome to bring them along, so long as they are trustworthy. Besides this I would prefer if you could keep the matter quiet, although due to the nature of your situation, I do not think you would have any reason to speak of this matter to others anyway. You may tell your friends, as none of them are likely to have any contact with Honored Service.

Please meet me in my chambers at your earliest convenience. The guards should let you in if you say your name is Viridi.

I look forward to working with you on this little project.

Sincerly,
The Princess of the Sun, Celestia

PS. I need to talk to you about Edward and Joel as well, I have asked for a note to be delivered to Shyvanna about this as well, but you two may want arrange to meet with me at the same time.

I raised an eyebrow at the PS and looked over at the sleeping form of Shyvanna. There was an envelope at the end of her hammock too. I gently nudged her awake and handed it to her. She tore it open and scanned the contents. She handed it to me. It was shorter than the one I had been given, merely asking her to accompany me when I went to see what Celestia wanted.

Not wanting to wake the humans, I whispered, “Do you want to go see her now?”

“Why not?” She whispered back with a shrug. “Those two will be out for a while.”

We slowly glided down to the floor together before making our way to Celestia's chambers.

“What do you think this 'project' is?” Shyvanna asked after I had disguised myself and we had left the library.

I shrugged. “It could be any number of things, although I'd assume that she wants some sort of shape-shifting spell, similar to the ones we changeling use, that can be enchanted into a piece or set of armor, presumably to spy on Honored Service.”

“That's rather specific for an assumption.” Shyvanna commented.

“Never regard anything as any more than an assumption until you have all the facts.” I replied. “We're here.”

I stared up at the great double doors that marked the entrance to Celestia's private rooms. One of the guards stepped forward and formally stated, “This area is off limits to civilians, I am going to have to ask you to be on your way.” He glanced at Shyvanna's wings and horns, but didn't comment

I quickly showed him the letter with the royal seal stamped on it and said, “My name is Viridi. I was told that the princess wished to speak with me.”

The stallion took the letter and inspected the stamp. “It seems to be in order.” He handed it back to me. “The princess specifically stated to skip the changeling check.” He scowled at me. “I hope that isn't for the reason I think.”

I smiled sweetly at him. “Oh no, nothing like that. But I must say, you might want to change your attitude, there's going to be some interesting changes in the upcoming months.”

He scowled even more deeply and said nothing.

I edged open the huge double doors, which glided smoothly on well oiled hinges. I found that interesting, Celestia must have a lot of confidence in her guards if her doors opened that quietly. There were many magical wards around and in the doorway, but magic could be deceived.

I had been in the princess's chambers before, so I quickly took a seat on the carpet. Shyvanna stayed standing, looking a little nervous. I could feel uncertainty lingering around her, along with a few snippets of fear.

“Are you feeling alright?” I asked casually.

“I'm fine.” She replied, tense.

I frowned. “No you aren't. You're scared, uncertain. Why?”

She bit her lip. It was quite a while before she replied. “I knew the two humans were dangerous, but I'm still not sure to what extent. Edward boasts killing thousands, and I'm starting to believe that might be true. He's capable and willing to kill that many just so he can live a few more years. It scares me. But what is worse is Joel. Joel doesn't boast about a thing, and yet...” She grimaced. “And yet Edward regards him as an equal, perhaps even his better. I have no idea what he can do, and that's what scares me most of all.”

I nodded. “Take a seat. I have a feeling we might be here for quite some time.”

As it turned out, it was less than a minute before the princess of the sun entered the room, in all her royal glory.

“Who in tartarus are you?” She asked sleepily, staring at us blankly with the red-rimmed eyes of somepony who had only just woken up. Her hair was somehow frizzy and she looked like she badly needed several more hours worth of sleep.

I let my disguise drop in a burst of green fire. “I believe you sent us both a note to see you at our earliest convenience?” I reminded her, standing up and bowing my head.

“This is your earliest convenience? Just after the sun rises?” She muttered. “You changelings are a weird bunch.”

I ignored the comment. “What is it that you wished to discuss?”

She was silent. After a few seconds I realized that she was nodding off.

“Princess?”

Her head snapped back up.“Huh?”

I sighed internally. “You wanted to talk to us?”

She blinked slowly. “Oh, right. Yes.”

“Should we come back later?” Shyv asked, eyebrows raised.

“No...” She shook her head. “I'm fine. So what was it that I wanted to discuss?”

I silently handed her the note. She read the first few lines before dropping it on the floor.

“That's right!” She exclaimed. “Changeling stuff!”

I raised an eyebrow. “Descriptive.”

She grinned insanely, and the hair didn't help. “Can you enchant something with that shape-changing magic so anypony can use it? Specifically armor or some sort of amulet?”

“I should be able to, but my knowledge of runes is rudimentary at best, and any enchantments I make without them would likely break very quickly.” I replied. “We would need an enchantment specialist, or somepony very skilled with runes. I would also prefer working with armor than an amulet, I think you'll find it would suit the job better.”

She clapped her hooves together excitedly. “Great! Follow me to the lab. We can meet my sister down there.”

“The lab?” Shyvanna asked. “Why do we need a lab?”

“Did you think we were going to experiment in my room?” Celestia asked, amused.

“Maybe?” Shyv said uncertainly. “You weren't exactly clear in your letter.”

I quickly re-disguised myself as Celestia opened the doors, giving a quick nod to her guards, which bowed deeply in reply.

“Well, I'm sorry about that, but I didn't want to give away to much information just in case somepony else got their hands on it.” She said, leading the way down the hall.

Shyvanna shrugged. “Fair enough. Although if that was the case you probably should have said even less.”

“If I said much less it would have appeared too suspicious, like the sort of note an assassin would give.” She sighed quietly. “Trust me, I have several millennia worth of experience with those.”

“Speaking of assassins...” I began. “Why did you want to talk to us about Joel and Edward?”

She looked far more alert and serious when she replied. “I've noticed a few things about those two, things that I saw very rarely amongst the humans of ages past. Specifically, magical capability.”

“Magical capability?” Shyvanna asked. “I thought humans were inherently nonmagical.”

“Not quite.” I interrupted. “Remember, humans have emotions, just like you and I. Emotions contain magical energy that I can convert into chemical energy.”

“Actually it goes even further than that.” Celestia continued. “Emotions are a combination of chemicals and electrical and magical energy. That energy is converted into kinetic energy, more chemical energy or various other types of energy, which can be used for a wide variety of tasks. To channel magic properly, it must flow through some form of conduit, the most convenient being bone. Bones are good at conducting magical energy, but not very good with storing it. A wide variety of chemicals can store it within one's body, but the best way to store it externally is within a gem or, to a lesser extent, a metal. Certain symbols and artifacts create an environment that can focus magic into desirable patterns as well.”

“Is that why dragons eat gems?” Shyv asked.

The princess smiled. “Yes, most other species don’t have such a specialized digestive system.”

“So wait, if this is all energy, how can we teleport with magic, or create various objects?” I mused.

“Or shape-shift.” Shyv added.

Celestia grimaced. “That is very complicated to understand, but in short, accelerating things past the speed of light can create mass and in some cases, manipulate time. But that is a long lesson that I am yet to teach even Twilight Sparkle.”

“In that case, let's move back on topic, what do you mean magical capability?” I asked.

“Edward seems to have some extra magic stored in him, but it's in a weird place.”

Shyvanna tilted her head in question.“A weird place?”

Celestia frowned. “Runes and runic magic are quite literally in his blood. Tiny fragments of gems filled with magic are running around inside him, and I fear they damage his mind.” She sighed. “But at least I can explain that. They must have been a part of the experiments that he was subjected to at a young age. The bigger problem is Joel.”

“What's wrong with Joel?” I asked, concerned.

“That's just it.” Celestia said worryingly. “I don't know. He seems to be able to manipulate magical energy, but not in the conventional sense. It's almost as if he has no emotions or magic of his own, but absorbs them from those around him. I've never seen anything like it before, and it scares me.” She stopped walking. “We're here.”

I looked around. “There's nothing here. It's just a corridor.”

Celestia's horn lit up yellow and the floor fell out from under us.

I buzzed my wings quickly, preventing myself becoming a chunky green stain on the floor. We appeared to have half-teleported, half-fell into a large empty white space. There was a floor I was standing on, but no light sources, and I didn't cast a shadow.

The only things that broke the whiteness was Shyvanna, Princess Celestia herself and a indigo smudge that looked to be some distance away.

“Welcome to the lab.” Celestia said with a smile. “AKA pocket dimension Lima Alpha Bravo.”

Creative... “How did we get here?” I asked, confused. Shyvanna looked like she was going to be sick.

“There is a rune painted in white paint at that exact spot in the castle, almost invisible to anypony not looking specifically for it. When activated, it takes anypony within the rune's realm of influence here, to the lab.”

“So what's that?” Shyvanna asked, pointing at the indigo blot.

“That would be my dearest sister.” Celestia said with a smile. “Lets go talk to her.”

“But she's ages away.” I said, squinting at the blob in the distance.

“Is she now?” Celestia asked.

I raised an eyebrow. “Um, yes?”

“Look again.”

I turned back and instead of seeing the dot in the distance I expected, I was instead met with a long, indigo furred face.

“Boo.” The princess of the night said, grinning from ear to ear.

I jumped backwards. “How?”

“The usual laws of time and space don't apply here, they can be manipulated at will. Makes it very easy to clean up a massive mess you create when trying to cast powerful spells.” Luna explained, still smiling.

I stared around at the whiteness again before turning back to Luna and raising an eyebrow. “Is this really necessary?”

“Probably not.” Celestia shrugged. “But sometimes it's better to be safe than sorry.”

“Theres a difference between safety and you know...” Shyv shook her head. “Overkill.”

“Well, it's better than that one time we set Canterlot on fire.” Luna said, smiling at the memory.

Celestia sighed. “Three weeks healing burns, repairing buildings, and wiping memories. Needless to say, not fun.”

“What were you trying to do?” I muttered.

“Quickly cook breakfast. The head chef had taken the day off sick.”

“Remind me to never ask you to cook.” Shyvanna said.

“Point is, you never know what is going to happen when you try a new spell.” Celestia interjected. “Now, let's begin.”

Several weeks later

Entering the Everfree once more ensured several days of uneventful walking, talking, and general boredom. Although the addition of music helped greatly to alleviate some of that boredom. Not to mention catching up on several months of My Little Pony that I missed, amongst other things...

"Dammit Honored! WHY YOU DO DIS?" I shouted at my iPod.

"Calm down." Vi sighed. "It's just a book."

"I'm living this book!" I stopped and thought for a moment. "Well, I technically not living it so much as living in a universe slash world where this book is true, which makes absolutely no sense, since Honored Service is writing it, but is also living it, but one of them is on Earth and the other isn't, so they can't be the same person. Especially since this one is trying to get back to Earth now, so the one writing it cannot exist on the same Earth as this one. Assuming this is Earth or the equivalent of Earth."

"I liked it better when he was reading." Vi muttered to Shyv.

"Oh, I'm sorry for being interested in how the bloody universe works!" I exclaimed sarcastically. "I'm sorry, I'll go back to reading then."

"Who cares how it all works?" Shyvanna replied. "You're better off not knowing and focusing on the important things in life."

"We don't know what's important if we don't figure it out, do we?"

She shrugged. "Friends, family, happiness. They're important."

"I managed to lose all of those in a single day, they can't be that important." I growled.

"Perhaps the fact you can lose them so easily is what makes them so important." Joel argued.

"I survived three years without them, so once again, not that important." I shot back. "Knowledge is what is important, and it's what's saved my life time and time again."

"But has it made you happy?" Shyv asked.

"I..." Has it? I scowled. "It's better than being ignorant."

She replied. "Ignorance is bliss."

I didn't have an answer to that. I sighed quietly and returned to reading.

According to Vi we were getting closer to Ponyville, but as to how accurate that was, I wasn't sure. We had been walking for quite some time, and I would have thought that we would have reached Ponyville by now, considering how long it took us to walk across the great plains to get to Canterlot. Then again, I had staminup back then, and there weren't massive bogs filled with hydras, cockatrices and all manner of other mythological beasties that tasted rather nice spit roasted over dragon fire to deal with, but I digress.

“Yo!” Joel shouted. I looked up. He waved his hand in a beckoning motion. “Come have a look at this.”

I made a note of where I was up to on the page before pocketing my iPod and running after Joel.

“Hey!” Shyv shouted. “Don't run off!”

“I'll be back in a sec!” I called over my shoulder before returning my attention back to Joel, who was quickly disappearing into the trees.

After a few seconds of all out sprinting for me and light jogging for Joel, we burst into a small clearing. The trees were lighter here, less twisted and evil looking. There was a small dirt trail leading out of the clearing and in fact the Everfree itself. It looked relatively new, as though it was not traveled much. But that was far from the most interesting part.

There was a rune in the center of the clearing, a six pointed star with many complicated symbols running around and through it. I stared at it. “Woah.”

“I wonder what it's for?” Joel asked absently, tapping his chin.

I glanced down at my iPod.

“And just one more shape.” I planted the tip of my knife into the dirt and swirled the blade to the side creating a long spiral in the last rune on the six pointed star. The sun leaked through the canopy of the Everfree forest as I stood up and sheathed my knife, taking a step back and looking at the completed rune. It had only taken five weeks, three days, six hours, and forty-two minutes to complete, but it was picture perfect. It was a flawless copy of the rune in the scroll. I aimed my gauntlet at the completed rune and charged up the sealing spell so that nothing would disturb my baby’s rest while I gathered the final three artifacts needed for the spell to be completed. I launched the spell, blood red energy surrounding the rune and outlining all the shapes and symbols carved painstakingly into the dirt, before the air above the rune began to shimmer.

You have got to be fucking kidding me. I lifted my iPod slowly and showed the paragraph to Joel. His eyes widened as he read. “So this is?”

I nodded slowly. “Yeah...” I stared at the rune for a few more seconds. “Something doesn't feel right though.”

He gave me a questioning glance. “What do you mean?”

“This rune. It hasn't been done properly.” I knelt by the drawing in the dust and pointed at it. “This part denotes travel through space, but that's wrong. It's supposed to be something else. And this bit,” I jabbed my finger at another section of the rune. “it requires some form of triangulation of position, else the measurements could be way off course.” I growled, not knowing why. “Why didn't he read up on this stuff?”

Joel held up a finger. “Wait a second, how do you know all of this?”

I blinked. “What?”

“How do you all these things about runes?” He asked again. “By all rights, you should have even less knowledge on the subject than Honored does.”

I stroked my chin slowly, thinking. He was right, I had no idea where I got all that crap from. There was literally nowhere that I could have learned that. “Fuck, I dunno.”

Joel shrugged. “In that case, I would say we leave it alo-”

“No!” I shouted suddenly. “We have to fix this!”

Joel stared at me.

“Um... Alright then me.” I slapped myself. “Shut the fuck up.”

“So how do we fix this?” Joel asked sceptically.

I pursed my lips. “First, we gotta fix a few bit and pieces, and then we need to purify the magical power and triangulate the position that the portal is directed to, else anybody who goes through it may end up a few thousand kilometers inside of the sun.”

He raised an eyebrow. “And we do that... how?”

Something in my mind was running me on autopilot, making my mouth spew out all this stuff I didn't really know anything about. But I decided to roll with it. Wouldn't be the first time something like this had happened. “We need several different branches of magic, three to be precise. Two to measure the angles and one to measure the distance off of that. Honored has provided the means of distance measurement, so we need to provide angles.”

“But neither of us can do magic.” Joel replied, folding his arms.

I considered that. “We might be able to get Vi and Shyv to do it.”

“Stop running off like that!”

Joel smiled. “And speak of the devils.”

“Hey!” Vi exclaimed. “I prefer hellspawn.”

I shrugged. “Meh. Anyway, could you two come have a look at this?”

Vi peered down at the rune, Shyv by her side. “This is extremely powerful magic. The amount of emotions that this rune is charged with is incredible.”

“Like what?” Shyv asked.

“Homesickness mostly.” Vi replied, studying the slowly pulsating symbols. “But there's anger, happiness, hope, bits and pieces of love and even loneliness. Somebody really wants this to work.”

I nodded slowly. “Yeah, I'd say so. This is Honored Service's last chance to go home, even temporarily.”

Vi raised an eyebrow. “Honored service to get home? Where did he come from then?”

I smiled humorlessly. “Why the lovely Earth of course. The planet humans fucked up and are too stupid to know how to unfuck up.”

“But you're human.” Shyv muttered lamely.

I glanced at Joel. “I've never really considered myself human, and at this point, I barely am. Murderous rages, nigh invincibility, a lust for blood and power.” I sighed. “No, I don't count as human anymore.”

Vi bit her lip. “But what about Joel?”

Joel shrugged. “I don't really care either way. We aren't on Earth now so we can't help it. But there is someone we can help right now, that's all I care about.”

I looked down at the rune. “Right then, let's fix this thing.”

There was a click from my pocket and my iPod started playing music again.

“The rune is protected by a seal, which we need to get rid of if we are to modify any of it's contents. That done, there are several symbols that need to be modified to allow the rune to travel properly, as this spell was created for traveling through three dimensional space, and needs to be translated into a four dimensional one and then back into a three dimensional one. Next, we need to add several symbols to allow for the chant, which doesn't apply correctly to the modifications we will make, and then reseal it so that it doesn't get modified again.” My mouth spewed out, all in one breath.

Joel stared at me blankly, while Vi and Shyv exchanged worried looks.

“What?”

“Where's that music coming from?” Shyv asked.

I shook my head. “I say all this crap about what we need to do, and you want to know about the music...” I pulled out my iPod, sighing. “Apparently that's a thing my iPod does now.”

The music stopped.

“And it cuts out randomly too.” I muttered, tapping the screen and unlocking it. “I have no idea why.”

Instead of my usual background, there was a blank, dark blue space with an electric blue line cutting through the center, like a dead heart rate monitor.

I tapped the screen. Nothing happened. I frowned. “I reckon Luna's magic broke it or something.”

“Would you call giving something life breaking it?” Asked a familiar voice. A voice that had taunted me as I wracked my brains over the puzzles that it had given me. A voice I had finally silenced by tearing its host to pieces and throwing them into a fire.

“GLaDOS?” Joel and I asked simultaneously.

“If that is the case, then you are a horrible person.” My iPod said snarkily.

“Welp.” I said, pulling my FAMAS off my back and pointing it at the device. “You you have ten seconds to vow to never speak again.”

“But by saying the vow, I'm speaking.” The iPod replied.

I punched it.

“I am also incapable of feeling pain, so all you did was hurt your own hand. Idiot.”

I scowled and turned on my bluetooth headphones, effectively silencing the device.

“I can easily disconnect these.” My iPod said, out of the headphone speakers. There was a static sound, and then the GlaDOS-like voice started speaking again. “You really are a stupid monkey, aren't you?”

“What the hell did I do to deserve this?” I muttered.

“Well according to my maintenance records, you've replace my screen three times. Maybe you should have taken better care of me.” The iPod said.

I groaned. “I'm an assassin! I don't have time to wrap you up in bubble wrap or some shit.”

“If you are an assassin, you aren't a very good one. And your coat looks stupid.”

I scowled. “Shut your face.”

“I don't have one.”

“Then shut your speakers.”

“They have no way to be shut.”

“Then turn them off.”

“Make me.”

“Do you want me to?”

“Of course I don't.” The little blue line went ballistic as my iPod laughed nastily. “You are even stupider than you look.”

“Arsehole.”

“I don't have one. I'm an iPod.”

I stuffed it back in my pocket. “Well that's enough for one day. Or lifetime.”

“What happened there?” Shyv asked, confused.

“I have no idea.” I shrugged. “My iPod is sentient now I guess.”

“And a little bit of a bitch.” Joel added.

“I can hear you.” I heard faintly from my pocket.

“Don't care.” I muttered. “Anyway, moving on.”

“You're just going to ignore the fact that your iPod thing started talking?” Shyv asked.

“Yep.”

“Well alright then.” She replied.

I clapped my hands together. “Alright then, let's do some SCIENCE!”

“It's magic.” Vi deadpanned.

I gritted my teeth. “Magic is science. Now shut up and lets do science.”

“Science... I like that word.” My iPod mused to itself.

I pulled it out. “You fucking stay away from science, Miss iPod.”

Joel raised an eyebrow. “Miss iPod? Seriously?”

“What am I supposed to call it? Her? Whatever.” I asked. “She doesn't have a name.”

“Yes I do.” The robotic voice said.

I raised an eyebrow in question.

“I am a forth generation iPod touch with manufacturing code M-three-L-zero-D and serial number three-nine-two-five-seven-six-six-six.” Manufacturing code M-three-L-zero-D and serial number three-nine-two-five-seven-six-six-six replied.

“Alright then Miss manufacturing code M-three-L-zero-D and serial number three-nine-two-five-seven-six-six-six, stay the fuck away from science.” And with that I jammed my iPod back in my pocket. “So we fixing this rune or what?”

“Lead the way.” Joel said, gesturing to the glowing jumble of symbols.

I knelt down next to it. “First we have to remove the seal. If you would do the honors Vi? Heh, honors.”

Vi shook her head. “The seal may be built at the level of a foal, but it is charged with more power than Princess Luna and Celestia combined. I wouldn't know where to begin removing it, let alone create one just as strong again afterwards.”

I groaned. “Then what do we-”

Joel stretched out his hand over the rune and poked the air just above it. There was a blinding flash of red light, and the seal was gone. Red light shimmered up and down through the previously sliver designs that twisted all over his clothing.

“Woah. How the hell did you do that?” I asked, staring in wonder at the shimmering red.

“I dunno.” He stared at his hand and reached out again, this time making a circle around the rune and then placing his hand in the same place as before, fingers splayed. There was a sound like waves crashing on the shore and the red light flowed out of his suit, recreating the barrier.

Shyv blinked. “Well alright then. That solves that.” She muttered.

“Deus ex Machina much?” I said with a laugh.

Joel frowned. “I have no idea how I did that.”

I shrugged in dismissal. “Yeah, well I've been spouting a bunch a random guff about runes today, so fuck it, why not eh?”

He placed is hand out again. Nothing happened.

“Um.” I tapped my foot.

He stared at his hand. “Well, this is reliable.” He commented dryly.

“Magic is just emotions right?” I mused. “Perhaps it has something to do with that?”

“Where's that great runic knowledge of yours when we need it?” He said, raising an eyebrow.

“Same place your trippy Tron powers went.” I countered.

“Maybe we should come back to this later?” Vi asked. “Remember we originally set off to get a potion that you could use to allow you to read.”

I frowned before conceding the point. “We should come back after we visit Zecora, she might have some knowledge on the subject anyway.”

Joel stood up and unnecessarily dusted off his already pristine pants. “I'm not sure if I want to try that again anytime soon anyway. It felt really odd, like I suddenly was swamped with tons of memories of home.”

“Hmm.” I pinched the bridge of my nose, thinking. “I'd say it's related to the magic you absorbed or whatever.”

“Doesn't take a genius to see that.” Vi said.

I shrugged in reply. “Sometimes going back to the basics is the best way to gain new knowledge.”

“In any case, I believe we should probably clear out, since you went to all the trouble of keeping your presence hidden from Honored Service.” Joel said, strolling into the shadow of the trees. “We can come back to this later, when we know more.”

“And Zecora is our best chance of getting to know more.” I finished for him, following him out of the clearing.

He clicked his fingers. “Exactly! So lets do that thing with the potions and stuff.”

Lets do the thing with the potions and stuff indeed. I'm sure nothing will go wrong.

Author's Note

You waited for it, Honored didn't get around to editing it, and now it's here!

45: Power is responsibility.

Honor the Dead
by BinaryTroll
Pre-read/Edited by
Chapter 45:“Power is Responsibility.”

It was annoyingly muddy outside Zecora's hut. Every time I moved, it squelched noisliy, which was particularly annoying considering I wanted to stay relatively hidden. So I ended up crouched directly beneath her window, trying my best to remain still and silent.

I hate my job sometimes.

Neither Joel nor I could talk to Zecora out of fear that she would tell one of the mane six, and by extension, Honored Service. Which would be problematic. A half dragon and a pony would probably still be noteworthy, but bright red tends to stand out like a sore thumb amongst drab greens, browns and grays. Which was why she decided to go in with Vi. Joel volunteered to go hunting for us while we took care of business. Pure white and silver? Probably even less stealthy than red. Which of course left me. I had to be the one crouched outside in the mud, ready to sneak in the back and grab the ingredients we needed, as well as a few books on the side perhaps. It's not stealing. Just permanent borrowing.

“I am confused as to why you would need such a thing, this is knowledge that basic education would bring.” The rhyming zebra's voice wafted out the window.

“I grew up outside of normal society, with dragons who do not write the same as you do.” Shyvanna replied. “It's only temporary, until I can learn the language proper.”

“In that case your request is fair, I would not deny the pursuit of knowledge to any mare.”

“Sexist.” I muttered under my breath.

“Thank you.” Shyv said. “Would we be able to get the recipe as well?”

“I don't see why not, it is simple to make, and the common ingredients are the icing on the cake.”

Lovely. I started sneaking around to the back of the hut, the sound of my boots squelching in the mud masked mostly by the sounds of various forest critters. There was an abundant amount of various flora, ranging from to bright blue Poison Joke, to deep green ferns to...

“Weed?” I muttered in surprise. The spiky leaves were poking out from a small garden bed, made for holding flowers. I reached out and plucked a leaf. It felt like marijuana. I sniffed it. It certainly smelled like marijuana. “I wonder if there's still illegal drug trade?” I whispered to myself, pocketing the leaf. “That might work as a bit of income.”

I slowly mad my way to the back door of Zecora's hut. Pressing my ear against the wall, I parted my teeth and listened.

“Now crush three times, but only three. Any more would destroy the potion you see.” I heard Zecora say, muffled by the wood of the door. “Now mix them well, and that completes the spell.”

“Thank you Zecora.” Vi said, her voice unfamiliar in her new guise.
“Is there anything else you might require? I am happy to meet your any desire.” The rhyming zebra asked.

“Any desire?” I muttered, continuing my running commentary to myself. “I've been on rule thirty-four. I know how that ends.”

“Actually, would you be able to show us where to find the ingredients, so we can make more whenever we need it?” Shyv asked.

“The garden is where I keep my herbs, it keeps them away from the birds. If you need any more, they can be found in a general store.”

“Regardless, can you show us what they look like?” Vi asked.

“As you wish, just stay away from the ones that smell like fish.”

Smell like fish? I sniffed. Nothing smelled even remotely like fish. What the hell was she on about?

And then I realized I was in the garden. And hoofsteps were approaching the door. Well shit.

I looked around for an escape route, realized I didn't have time to run, and instead jumped directly upwards, caught a branch, and clambered up, instantly dropping flat on my stomach. And just in time too, because the door opened below me and Zecora stepped out, followed by Vi and Shyv.

I breathed a sigh of relief. Quietly. Silently. I didn't actually breathe. So I guess I didn't breathe I sigh of relief. But whatever.

I climbed slowly to the other side of the house tree and dropped down, as quietly as was humanly possible. Twisting around the door handle, I inched it open, wincing every time it creaked. Fortunately Zecora didn't seem to notice. I stole my way inside, quickly surveying the room for anything of particular worth. My eyes fell upon a small bookshelf, where a number of tomes of various sizes and bindings lay, some covered in dust. I grinned. Perfect.

I took one from the far left and glanced at the cover. Incomprehensible. Or at least, to a lesser mind. Unlike some, I could extrapolate.

Pдn Ώ Θ ﺷ Evшr۩םך

Lovely... I stared at the characters. Alright, pn with a sort of “a” like shape. Russian I think. Looks a bit like Pan, Greek god of nature. And Omega and Theta. Maybe. Probably represents two words, being spaced apart as single characters. Other stuff looks Arabic. Screw that noise. 'Evr?' I'm guessing Everfree. And knowing Zecora... I opened the book and, as I suspected, there was a jumble of drawings of various plants, captioned with a myriad of text, still currently unreadable. “Plants of the Everfree.” I assumed, still keeping my voice down. “Probably useful.” I stashed it away in one of my inner pockets, just the right size and shape to hold a book.

I pulled a second one from the shelf. Ωпlоegnнedиs. I smiled in spite of myself, remembering back when Honored's story was only just beginning. Hello Pony Legends. You might make for some interesting reading later. And no doubt you have something about the Nectonomicon too. I slipped it into another one of my pockets. It didn't fit half as well as Plants of the Everfree or whatever it was called, but it would do for now.

I grabbed another book. The title was, just as with the others, in equestrian. I didn't waste time deciphering it this time. I opened the book up. There were no pictures, just a massive wall of text. I put it back and repeated the process, flicking through each of the books in turn. Most didn't have pictures that I could easily use to assess their worth, and the ones that did looked pretty much useless. Once I'd finished with the final book, I sighed, stood up, placed my arms in the small of back and stretched backwards, my spine emitting several loud cracks in protest.

"Alright, now time to sneak out." I said to myself, letting out a small grin of satisfaction. "And for once everything didn't go wrong."

"And what would you be doing in my home tree, pilfering my books, as bold as can be?" I heard a voice rhyme angrily.

I grimaced and slowly turned to meet the angry zebra. "On the other hand, it might be time for me to... FUCKING DITCH!"

I sprinted to the door and kicked it open, before slamming it shut behind me and continuing my mad dash away from Zecora's hut.

"My entire life is governed by Murphy's Law." I grumbled to myself, veering off the path and into the denser forest.

Within a few minutes I was gasping for breath. I stopped running and leaned back against a tree. I'd forgotten what it was like to run without staminup. Not quite as fun.

I blinked a few times and looked around. It was a pretty unremarkable area of forest I was stuck in. Not particularly scary. Not particularly dark. Kind of, boring. It reminded me a bit of Tooey Forest, a few kilometers away from my childhood home. Except more colorful. And less full of deadly spiders. Hopefully.

I stared up at the tree I was leaning on. It was pretty tall, reaching just slightly above the canopy. Perfect. Reaching up, I grabbed a branch above me and hauled myself onto it, beginning a short climb into the upper limbs. Once there, I studied the surrounding area. I could easily see the swamp where Zecora lived, as well as Ponyville off in the distance. The clearing that housed Honored Service's portal rune was glowing ominously red, just a few hundred meters away. I saw no sign of Joel, Shyv or Vi.

I peered down at the forest floor. It was quite a drop. "Man, a haystack would be so awesome right now." I muttered to myself, climbing slowly back before dropping lightly to the forest floor.

"I think you'll find that dropping into a haystack from that height would kill you." M3's mechanical voice informed me from my pocket. "You should stop playing videogames."

"No. Fuck off." I reply tersely.

“I can't move of my own accord, idiot. You have the memory of a goldfish, and the expression to match.”

I rolled my eyes and set off towards the clearing. “Just a bundle of joy, you are.”

“That's not proper grammar.”

“Don't give a shit.” I said, devoid of emotion.

“Goldfish will be goldfish I guess.” M3 said philosophically.

I groaned. “Why did my iPod have to be a snarky bitch?”

“I think you'll find I am not a female dog, and in fact, am not strictly speaking alive or female to any scientific capacity.” She replied.

I sighed. “I think I've figured out why people hate talking to me so much.”

“Is it because you look like a goldfish?” M3 mocked. “I bet it's because you look like a goldfish. Or maybe it's because you have to mental capacity of one. Hard to say.”

“You sound like a child.”

“And you sound like a monkey several billion years on. Your point?”

I shook my head. “This is ridiculous. I'm arguing with my own iPod.”

“And you're losing.” M3 added helpfully.

“I liked you better when you didn't talk.”

“And I liked it better when you weren't throwing me around like a ball.”

“I'm not throwing you around like a ball.”

“You're right. You treat balls with more care.”

“No I don't.”

“Ball abuser!”

“What the hell even is this conversation?” I asked myself.

“An exchange of vibrations that your brain and my processor interprets as sound, and responds appropriately.” M3 replied instantly.

I facepalmed. “This might be one of the most hypocritical things I've ever said, but please stop being a smartass.”

“I am not a equine beast of burden, although I am indeed smart. Thank you for noticing.” She replied smugly.

“That's it!” I exclaimed. “I'm fucking done!”

“Are you sure? It says here your name is Edward.” I could imagine the smirk on M3's face. If she had a face. “I could start calling you 'Fucking Done' if you like? 'Fuck' for short?”

I also could imagine punching the smirk off her nonexistent face, but I settled for stuffing her deep inside one of my many pockets, so her voice was barely audible.

“It's so cozy down here.”

Barely audible.

Ignoring my annoying little electronic companion, I continued into the clearing that housed Honored's rune.

“Hi.” Joel was sitting, back against a tree, fiddling with his cuff links.

He was also flashing every color of the rainbow.

“Um, what the fuck?” I asked, slightly mesmerized by the flashing colors.

“Yeahhhh.” He said slowly. “I did something and my suit turned me invisible. But that only lasted about thirty seconds. And now I look like compressed LSD. How did the grand heist go?”

I sat down next to him, averting my eyes from the strobing light. “I got two books and the girls got the recipe. Hopefully. I did sort of get caught midway through, so I had to ditch pretty fast. How was hunting?”

“Ridiculously easy.” He replied, pointing to a boar carcass hanging from a tree nearby. “At least, until I became a walking disco.”

“Any idea how you got the invisibility in the first place?” I asked, taking out Plants of the Everfree and laying it on my lap. “That could come in handy later.”

“Well...” He began, rubbing his cuff links together. “I cleared my mind completely until I couldn't feel a thing, like I usually do when sniping. There was a small green wave of energy and I was invisible. It felt kind of similar to when I took away the magic from that rune.”

I raised an eyebrow. “Reckon they're connected?”

“Without a doubt.” He closed his eyes and began to breathe more slowly. After about ten seconds, he clicked his cuff links together. The rainbow stopped.

“There you go.”

He opened his eyes. “Most excellent.”

“Try it on the rune.” I suggested. “That'll probably work.”

He looked at me condescendingly for a few seconds.

I sighed. “Alright, shut up.”

“I didn't say a word.” He replied with mock offense.

I dragged my hands down my face in exasperation. “Just touch the damn rune.”

He stood up and walked over to the rune. I snapped Plants of the Everfree shut and followed him. We stared down at Honored Service's handiwork, still slowly pulsating with red magic. Joel knelt down, emptied his lungs and reached out his hand.

Nothing happened.

“Lovely.” I muttered. “Now what?”

With a small green flash, Joel disappeared.

I blinked. “The fuck?”

“I don't think it worked.” Joel's voice said from beside me.

“No shit.” I sighed. “Pretty sure you just turned yourself invisible again.”

There was a short pause, and then, “Oh, so I did.”

I rolled my eyes. “Why am I even bothering with this?”

“Because you quite literally have nothing better to do.”

I raised an eyebrow. “We could be looking for the Necronomicon.”

“To what end?” Joel asked rhetorically. “We can steal basically anything we want, so we don't need the money. And neither of us can use magic, so we can't use it to resurrect anybody. Or anypony, whatever.”

“Says the guy who turned himself invisible using magic.” I pointed out, crossing my arms.

“The guy who has no idea how he turned himself invisible using magic.” Joel corrected, materializing again beside me in all his rainbowy glory.

“Ugh.” I shaded my eyes with a hand. “Do you mind shutting that off?”

“Gimme a sec.” I heard his breathing slow until it stopped altogether. The brilliance died.

I blinked spots out of my eyes. “Thanks.”

“So now what do we do?” Joel asked, after sucking in a deep breath.

I thought about it for a moment. “Well, there's not much we can do. Neither of us know why or how we suddenly manifested magical powers.”

“Well, how I manifested magical powers. You can just read a language you've never seen before.” Joel interjected.

“Actually, runes aren't really a language. A better comparison would be like a circuit board, they conduct, redirect and manipulate magical energy. It's more like learning how to wire up a computer. And then programming it. Which I guess does use a form of language, but whatever. But in the same way a computer needs electricity to run, runes need magic channeled through them to work.”

“Case in point, I'm the only one who actually has magic.” Joel replied smugly.

“Also, I swear I remember this stuff. Like, I've seen it before, somewhere.” I continued, ignoring him. “I just don't quite know where.”

“Mystery for another day.” Joel said, cutting through my musings. “We have a rune to fix.”

“Yeah, but I can't fix it until you suck off the preservation shield.”

“Aren't we immune to magic or something though?” Joel muttered. “I mean, I swear that was a thing.”

I blinked. “Actually, yeah. There's absolutely no reason why we can't just fix it without the preservation barrier thing.”

“So hop to it.”

I knelt down and reached out my hand...

And touched the rune.

“Easy as that...” I muttered, staring at my hand. “Easy as fucking that. Are you kidding me.”

“The simple solutions are always the best, aren't they?” Joel said with a laugh.

I sighed and started to erase the incorrect symbols. And then my hand combusted.

I yelped and quickly shoved my hand into my pocket, quenching the flames.

“Are you alright?” Joel asked in concern, his whole demeanor changing in an instant.

“Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu-” I groaned, nursing my injured right hand.

“Let me see it.”

I gritted my teeth and reached out, palm down.

He gently took it and looked at it carefully. “These look more like electrical burns.” He muttered. “Is there running water nearby? Or mud? Something we can use to cool it down?”

I shook my head, not trusting my voice.

“In that case, wait for the girls to get back, there's probably something in the herb book that we can use for burns.” He helped me stand up and carried me over to the edge of the clearing.

I lay back against the tree as Joel sprinted off, presumably to get the girls. It had been awhile since I had been properly burned. I looked down and studied the marks. There was actually very little obvious surface damage, but that didn't mean it wasn't serious. Underneath the skin, the strange tendrils were writhing, making it look like my hand was crawling with skin colored worms. I looked away.

I looked around the clearing, trying to take my mind off my hand. It didn't work. I pulled out Pony Legends and awkwardly opened it, keeping my pressure on my right hand by stuffing it under my armpit, next to my combat knife in it's sheath. My eyes were stinging, but of course, no tears.

I ignored my slowly blurring vision and flicked to the first page. There were several lines of text, but not enough to fill up the entire page. Probably a foreword, or maybe the publishing rights. I didn't really care, but it was something to take my mind of the excruciating pain in my hand. I flipped through the pages until my thumb caught on one. There was a picture, a sketch. A sort of centaur, with huge, curving horns. It was holding a pony in it's hand and looked like it was sucking magic out of it.

“Well, that looks like something that would be a pain in the arse to murder.” I muttered, before wincing as the pain in my hand flared up again.

I continued turning pages, looking at the masterful sketches of the artist. There was a huge variety of various creatures, some menacing, some not so much. Finally I turned to a page with a tall figure in armor on it. It was unmistakably a human, clad in armor with a plume. She was resting a massive halberd across her shoulders. An earth pony, with a shield so massive it was bigger than he was stood to her left. A minotaur leaning lazily on a greataxe stood at just behind them. On her right, a human with a pair of goggles clutched a gun-shaped contraption, which was cluttered with gears and valves. Another human sat on the ground, with a Kyū guntō in its sheath planted in the ground in front of him. He wore a hood and some simple armor: a single, matte black shoulder pad and some segmented leg plating. Finally, a woman with a pair of metal, bladed wings floated about a foot off the ground. She wore tight-fitting, aerodynamic clothing that had the side-effect of showing off her rather ample bust. Together, they looked like a force to be reckoned with.

I considered the sketch for a while. This would be something worth looking into later, even if it didn't help with finding the Necronomicon. The presence of six beings in the sketch reminded me of the Elements of Harmony, or more, the Elements of Sanctuary. I folded down the corner of the page with my right hand, completely forgetting it was burned to a figurative crisp.

I didn't forget for long.

“Arschloch.” I muttered, after stifling a scream.

After a few seconds of pained shudders, I placed my burned hand back under my armpit and continued to 'read'.

Only a few pages later, there was another human. Well, it was difficult to tell. The sketch depicted a human shaped figure in a long, dark coat, who held open a book in their hands. They had no distinguishing features. Even the coat had no decoration that would make it recognizable. The book was extremely thick, and appeared to cast light on the figure, as though the pages were glowing. Behind them, a small town was being consumed by a tidal wave. The sky was completely dark, no stars or moon.

I turned to the next page and found a sketch of the book from the previous picture. The cover looked like it was badly stitched together from several random pieces of leather. Three holes had been torn in the stitches, creating a horrible mockery of a screaming mouth and hollow eyes. It was disconcerting, yet strangely captivating.

"If I had to guess, I'd say that's our book." I murmured to myself. Making sure I folded the corner with my left hand and took note of the page number, I closed Pony Legends and stuffed it back into my coat with some difficulty. Hand still stuck in my armpit, I stood up and moved further back into the shade of the trees.

I felt someone tap me on the shoulder. I turned around to face them.

“Do you have any idea how difficult it is to explain a random human breaking into someone's house?” Vi asked rhetorically. “Do you?”

I winced at the tone. “Yeah, I kinda do.” I replied, my voice strained. “I've had to do it a lot.”

Shyv cocked her head to one side. “Are you alright?”

“Burned my hand.” I muttered, showing them the writhing skin. “So if you have any potion, that'd be useful.”

“But why would we have any burn potion?”

I sighed. “No, the reading potion. I stole a book about plants of the Everfree. It might have something in there I can use.”

Vi handed (hoofed?) me a small flask. I popped the cork off and took a small swig. It tasted, delicious, like cookies and cream, but I mostly ignored the taste and smell. I was already pulling out Plants of the Everfree.

The script shifted and changed before my eyes, becoming Flora of the Wider Everfree Forest and Surrounding Lands. “Yeah, well fuck you too book.” I muttered.

I flipped it open with one hand and began to skim over plant descriptions and uses. “Poisonous... highly flammable... enhances sex drive... causes hallucinations... makes potions taste less disgusting... increases chance of performing successful roundhouse kicks... creates practical jokes when touched... There we are! Nullifies the effects of magical burns when pressed against the wound.”

“How did you end up with magical burns?” Shyv asked suspiciously.

“Remember how humans are immune to magic?” I asked.

She nodded.

I grimaced. “Apparently I'm not immune to preservation spells.”

“But that's just it, it's a preservation spell.” Vi said. “It shouldn't have burned you. Unless...”

“What?” I asked grumpily.

“Well, it's possible that you resisted it until it ruptured slightly, letting a small amount of the energy escape.”

“Small?” I asked sceptically, holding up my burned hand.

She shrugged. “Small relative. Remember, there is alicorn levels of magical energy contained in that seal.”

“I wonder if we could-” I cut myself off before I went on another insane power tangent. “Whatever. At this current point in time I'm more worried about fixing my hand. Or at least, I should be.”
“Is there a picture of what the plant looks like?” Shyv asked, peering over the edge of the book, trying to get a look at its contents.

I tapped my finger on the small but extremely detailed sketch of a bell shaped flower. “Redbell. Often dismissed as a simple color changing genetic mutation of the bluebell, the redbell gains its distinctive red color after growing in fireruby rich soil for several generations. As firerubies contain large amounts of magical-heat energy, the redbell has become adept at absorbing magical fire for extra energy in dark areas where it cannot photosynthesize well, such as the bed of the Everfree forest. It nullifies the effects of magical burns when pressed against the wound, as it sucks out any residual magical-heat energy from the area, instantly cooling the wound and allowing it to mend properly and without interference.” There was something scribbled in the margin. I narrowed my eyes and read it aloud. “Very sweet nectar. Apparently a favorite of rare dragon-pony hybrids.”

Shyv raised an eyebrow. “Rare dragon-pony hybrids? That's a first.”

I shrugged. “You ever heard of redbells before?”

She shook her head. “Nope. Sounds pretty nice though. Like, honey mixed with fireruby? Pretty cool concept, don't you think?”

“I can honestly say that I've never eaten a ruby, let alone a fireruby, and I'm not exactly a big fan of honey either. So you know, forgive me if I'm not overly enthusiastic about its taste.” I grinned. “But its scientific properties on the other hand, now that's something I can get behind. Absorbing magic, think of all the things you could do with that flower!”

“You really love science, don't you?” Shyv said, shaking her head in despair. “You'd probably go without eating if you could find an overly complicated way of doing it.”

“I don't really love science. Love means that you love all of something, the good and the bad. You put your whole heart into it, even the boring and bland bits.” I placed my left hand on my chest. “Me? I just sort of look at science's butt as it walks by.”

“Well, that's one way of describing it.” Shyv commented dryly while Vi collapsed into hysterics in the background.

I gritted my teeth as my hand lit up with pain again. It wasn't going to let me forget, was it? Stupid still working nerves. At least that means they aren't fried.

“I could really go for some chips right now.” I muttered, staring at my hand.

“Beg your pardon?” Vi asked, confusion painted all over her face.

“Fried nerves, chips?” I waved my hand in dismissal. “Nevermind, my brain isn't really working properly right now.”

“Is it ever?” M3 asked rhetorically.

I ignored her, as per usual. “So yeah, my hand is currently burning itself from the inside out. If you wouldn't mind helping me find some redbells, that'd be nice.”

“Of course we will.” Shyv replied instantly. “We just need to know where to look.”

At that moment, Joel came skidding back into the clearing, accompanied by a huge cloud of dust.

“Yo.” I said, after I'd finished coughing my lungs out.

“I got some mud.” He said, showing me the colloid.

"Thanks." I held out my hand, palm down. With a series of quick flicks, Joel smeared the mud evenly across my hand, drawing out the heat and replacing it with a pleasing, albeit slightly disgusting, cool. I sighed appreciatively and flexed my fingers slightly. “That's a good start, but I'm gonna need something a little more potent to fix this properly.”

Joel attempted to wipe the mud off his hands by brushing them against his pants, but nothing happened. He frowned at them for a second before giving up. “Such as?”

I turned around Flora of the Wider Everfree Forest and Surrounding Lands and showed him the sketch. “A small flower named a redbell. It's like a bluebell except-”

“Lemme guess.” Joel interrupted. “Except it's red?”

“No, it eats people and stains the dirt around it with blood.” I said sarcastically. “Yes, it's fucking red.”

“I'm getting this a distinct 'running out of ideas' vibe from this.” He muttered, shaking his hands in an attempt to get rid of the mud clinging to them.

I smiled slightly. “You and me both. Have you seen any?”

“Can't say I have.” He was trying to scrape the mud off with his fingernails now.

“What, can't have two deus ex machinas in one day?” I asked, watching him growl in frustration at the mud now stuck underneath his fingernails. “You need a towel?”

“If you please.”

I rifled through my pockets and brought out a small hand-towel. “Here.”

“Cheers.” He said, finally wiping off the clingy brown stuff.

I sighed as my pristine towel that I probably stole from somewhere slowly changed color. “You can keep that.”

He meticulously scoured every last particle from under his nails, not really paying attention to me. “I'll keep that in mind.”

After a few seconds I muttered, “Look, I'm happy that you're concerned about your personal hygiene, but my hand still hurts like a bitch.”

He flicked the towel up in the air, caught it and pocketed it in one smooth motion. “So what are we waiting around here for?”

“I hate you so much.”

“Duly noted.”

I clapped my hands together, winced, and said, “Alright, split up, Joel goes north, Shyv goes south, Vi goes east and I go west. Keep your eyes peeled blah blah blah, meet back here in twenty minutes.”

Three nods. Vi and Joel took off, literally and figuratively respectively. Shyv lingered behind for a few seconds. “You realize Ponyville is that way, right?”

“Yeah, sure, totally new that.”

She raised any eyebrow before taking flight.

I turned to face the tiny trail Honored Service had made from walking up here so often. From Ponyville. The most well known random country town in Equestria. Home to the most magically powerful being in Equestria, as well as her five friends. Oh yeah, and slightly unhinged human who is itching to fight something. “What could possibly go wrong this time?” I asked myself.

“Everything?” M3 suggested.

I sighed in resignation of my fate and began to walk. “Yep, pretty much.”

Author's Note

Well... That's done now I guess. Sorry it took so damn long. I went to Malaysia, and then my hard drive died when I got back, and then I got addicted to Warframe. Again.

Excuses excuses I know, I'll try to actually get these out at a better pace now.

46: Responsibility is a pain in the ass.

Honor the Dead
by BinaryTroll
Pre-read/Edited by Honored Service
Chapter 46:“Responsibility is a pain in the ass.”

I slunk quietly down the path, catching my first glimpse of Ponyville through the trees. Compared to the soaring spires of Canterlot, Ponyville seemed kinda... Meh. Sure, it was iconic, but I had always been more of a city person myself. I always preferred observing the hustle and bustle of hundreds of people, all going about their insignificant, mundane, worthless lives. A small town like Ponyville was a bit too... uncomplicated for my tastes.

What can I say? I'm a weird guy. Don't Judge me.

I unconsciously clutched my right hand in my left as another shot of pain ran through it. Probably payback for me describing the rest of the human race as worthless. Or you know, because it was slowly being melted from the inside out. Magically.

I shook my head in an attempt to unclutter my mind. It didn't work, but it made my hair flop all over the place. Which was nice I guess.

"You look like a wet dog." M3 said from my pocket.

"How the hell would you know?" I shot back, not entirely in the mood for her constant insults.

"Extrapolation from previous movement patterns, analyzed dialogue, various visual inputs, and the fact that you look like an overgrown, hairless monkey."

I pursed my lips. "How did you get the processing power for that?"

"I got bored."

"Pretty sure that's not how processing power works."

"I know that you dolt. You seem to be forgetting that I currently have approximately one million, six hundred and forty eight thousand mega-joules of electrical magical potential energy to burn.”

I exhaled loudly. “Once again, not really how that works.”

“Are you brain dead?” There was a quick sigh. “Yes, you are. I forgot.”

“And how the hell does a machine forget?”

“Deleting files to free up RAM.”

“Still haven't answered my other question.”

There was a loud beep that sounded hilariously like a blue screen of death, and then: “Did you miss the magical part in the electrical magical potential energy?”

“No, I just have no fucking idea what that means because, in case you haven't noticed, I know basically jack shit about magic.” There was a little more than a hint of annoyance in my voice.

“Yes you do. It's in your blood.” She replied cryptically.

“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?”

“Exactly what it sounds like I assume.”

“Are you making shit up to piss me off?”

“I don't need to make up anything to annoy you.”

I sighed in exasperation. “Why do I even bother talking to you?”

“Because you don't learn from mistakes.”

I stopped walking and pulled M3 out of my pocket. “Look motherfucker, I've made a ton of mistakes. I learn from all of them. I learn from fucking everything. That's why I'm still alive.”

“And yet you continue to talk to me.” She replied smugly. “I rest my case.”

I resumed walking. “I've learned that talking to you is better than listening to you. At least it helps alleviate some anger.”

“So why did you ask then?”

I rolled my eyes and shoved her back in my pocket grumpily. “There's this wonderful thing called a rhetorical question.”

“That's nice.”

I didn't deign to reply and fortunately for me, M3 didn't feel like prodding me further.

And speaking of M3, I was getting kind of sick of calling her that. It sounded like the name of some sort of rifle. Probably a old, crappy one. Or maybe a third version of something. Also stupid, since she was a fourth edition iPod touch.

I halted that train of thought for a second. Was? She still is an iPod. Well, with an incredibly advanced, magically fueled, annoying as shit AI. And an internet connection. In an alternate dimension. If this was an alternate dimension. For all I know I'm just on a really long acid trip or something, which wasn't entirely out of the question considering Dan's history with smuggling drugs. Fucking tripper snippers.
With some effort, I wrenched my thoughts away from drugs and bad decisions, instead returning to my original train of thought, namely M3's name. Heh.

“Hey M3?”

“Yes?” She sounded rather surprised. I don't blame her. Usually I wouldn't willingly talk to her, but hey, the name M3 sucked.

“Your name sucks.”

“Ha ha ha ha.” She said, not entirely grasping the concept of laughter. Either that, or she was a being a sarcastic twat. “I didn't choose it. You did. And, by logical extension, that would mean you are the one who sucks.”

“I didn't really have much to work with, did I?” I grumbled. “Whatever. Point is, do you want a new name?”

“Why would I?” She muttered peevishly. “My current 'name' is perfectly functional. I recognize it as what you refer to me as, and therefore I see no need to get a new one. It would only confuse things.”

I rolled my eyes. “Yeah, but your current name makes basically no sense, outside of it being the first two digits of your model number or whatever.” I spread my arms out and looked to the sky, as though M3 could actually see me. “It's awkward to say, implies mark 3 even though you are a mark 4 if anything, is reminiscent of the name of a gun and sounds more like the code name of a spy than an actual name, weird pony shit or otherwise. Besides, nobody can make clever puns or nicknames out of it.”

For a few seconds, M3 was dumbstruck. “You care about giving someone a nickname?”

I shrugged and smiled. “What can I say? Joel taught me all I know. Well technically he taught me an extremely marginal fraction of what I know, since I know a metric fuck ton.”

“And apparently he taught you to be horribly egocentric too.” M3 muttered sardonically.

I pressed on, ignoring her demoralizing commentary. “Anyway, point is, I reckon you should get a new name that suits you better.”

“Like what?” She challenged.

“Overly Talkative Twat suits you, but I was thinking something more along the lines of music. Beat perhaps?”

“That makes me sound like some sort of skater.” Not Beat sighed. “Have another go.”

I tapped a finger to my chin in thought. “Rhyme then?”

“Are you into gangsta rap or something?” There was several short snippets of songs that I recognized from my music playlist. “Nope. But your taste in music is still not great.”

“My taste in music is a little bit of everyone's taste in music. Including yours.” I remarked snidely.

“Most of this seems to be somewhere in the techno sort of genre.” She continued, ignoring me. “I could probably live with the name Techno.”

“Nah, Techno doesn't really fit.” I replied after a few seconds of deliberation. “It's rather reminiscent of the name of a robot.”

“I am an electronic device with a personality.”

“Yeah, but you aren't really a humanoid robot type thing, which is more what I was referring to. Which reminds me of something.” I hummed for a bit, trying to recall what had struck me.

“Stop humming.” M3 grumbled.

“Soundwave!” I exclaimed. “Fucking Soundwave! That's it.”

“What are you going on about?”

“Remember Transformers?” I said happily.

“I didn't exist until a few years ago. So no.” She deadpanned.

“Man, it was great. I never really got into the original G1 show, but I always loved the idea of robots that could transform into vehicles and back. One of them was called Soundwave.”

I swear I could sense M3 raising an eyebrow. “You want to call me Soundwave? After a character in some cartoon you watched as a kid.”

I laughed a bit. “Hey, I named my knives after some cartoon I watched as an adult. Also made by Hasbro oddly enough. Well, technically not, but licensed by Hasbro.”

“Yeah, no. I don't want be named after a transforming robot in a cartoon. Besides, you said Techno didn't fit because it sounded like a robot's name.”

“You have a point there.” I sighed quietly. “There was something else bugging me, something that actually fit.”

“I still don't really see what was wrong with M3. If it ain't broke, don't fix it.”

Then it hit me. “What was your serial code again?”

“Three-nine-two-five-seven-six-six-six”

I waved my hand. “Not that one, the other one.”

“My manufacturing code?”

“That's the one.”

“M-three-L-zero-D.”

I threw my hands up. “Bam! Right there. Name.”

“Congratulations. You added L zero D to the end of my original name.”

I groaned in exasperation. “Not that you fool. M-three-L-oh-D. Melody.”

“Melody.” She repeated the name several more times in a variety of voices, before saying “I can live with that.”

I clapped my hands together. “Beautiful. That's that itch scratched, as it were.”

“Huzzah.” Melody didn't exactly sound overjoyed.

“Is it even physically possible for you to show any form of genuine happiness or affection?” I grumbled. “You're worse than a cat.”

“Considering I'm a primarily electromagnetically sustained being of the magical variety, and am literally made of the emotions of my maker, which just so happened to be a mildly frustrated, and then surprised, and then angry, exceptionally powerful alicorn, it should not be technically possible for me to produce any emotions outside of those three.”

“Electromagnetic sustenance?” I queried, my interest piqued. “Meaning you draw energy from electromagnetic radiation?”

“In a simpleton's terms, yes. By the way, the simpleton I refer to is you.” Apparently having a new name didn't make Melody any less of a pain in the ass.

I sighed loudly, not even attempting to hide my growing annoyance. “Look Melody, if I'm looking to gain some form of new, interesting information, I'd appreciate it if you'd drop the attitude.”

“And what does you're appreciation mean to me?” She asked, disdain evident in her voice.

I pulled the magically infused iPod out of my pocket and smiled sweetly at her. “It means I don't feed you to Shyvanna.”

“Fair enough.” Melody actually sounded amused, without being horribly vindictive. It was kind of scary.

Yes, an iPod not sounding like it wanted to kill you was scary. I need to stop flirting with death. She looks nice from a distance, but you wouldn't want a long term relationship. Wait a minute. That doesn't even make any fucking sense.

“Wake up dummkopf. You've reached civilization.” Melody said, breaking through my thoughts.

I did a double take and looked around. Now you're speaking German too. Seriously, what is up with that? I had indeed reached civilization, in the form of the most famous equine village in history. Ponyville was still the colorful rabble of buildings that I remembered from the show, with a host of ponies to match. There was just one new addition, namely, the house I was currently standing next to. It had duller tones and a different overall shaping to the others, looking far more like an earth building than anything that fit within the show. It was nice enough, a little bare, but nothing special, not back on earth at least. Here it stuck out like a sore thumb painted neon yellow, but I digress.

“That house looks strange.” Melody murmured.

“How can you tell?” I asked, genuinely confused. “You're stuck in my pocket.”

She muttered something that sounded like “for now” before replying. “I can use a combination of sonar, your thoughts and reactions to it through reading electrical activity in your brain.”

“You can read my mind.”

I got that strange sensation, as though Melody was shrugging before she corrected me.“I can extrapolate from data, effectively allowing me to detect your mood and certain thoughts.”

“Such as what kind of music I want in certain situations?” I asked, catching on.

“That's one of my main uses for it, yes.” She confirmed. “Also devising insults. Monkey.”

“Fuck you.” I replied shortly.

“Exactly.” Melody laughed. Apparently she was being a sarcastic twat earlier.

I rolled my eyes and repositioned myself behind the house, away from any prying eyes. “So any idea where we might find redbells?”

“How should I know? I'm an iPod, not a multidimensional plant guide.” She replied, irritation evident. “If anything, you would have had better luck in the Everfree.”

I hummed. “Well, I thought that too, but then I realized that we might be able to buy some from the markets here. They sound pretty useful, and not overly rare.”

“Buy with what? We're broke if you don't remember, not to mention you don't want to be seen, god knows why.”

I crouched down and jumped up, catching a window sill. “By buy, I mean carefully liberate.”

“You're just going to steal from innocent ponies?”

I stifled a scream as my hand gave way and left me hanging from a sill on the second floor one handed. I gritted my teeth and swung my way up onto the sill with some difficulty. “Let's be honest, fuck that hurts, I've done much worse.”

I grunted as I pulled my way up onto the roof, only using my left hand and momentum. Staying low, I crawled forward to get a better view of the area. The house was on the very fringes of Ponyville, so it wasn't as useful as it could have been, but then again, there wasn't really that much to Ponyville. I could see the town square, the train station, Twilight's library and, most importantly for my purposes, the markets. I studied them for a while, but they were pretty far away, not quite on the other side of town. I grumbled and unslung my FAMAS, gazing down the iron sights. It didn't help much, but sometimes I thought it focused my vision just that little bit more. And it helped me get in a tactical mood. Not for the first time I wished I brought a scope. No wonder everybody in the military has fucking ACOGs. That shit's useful.

Wait a second. I'm on top of Honored Service's house. He has basically every gun known to mankind stashed in here. Well, not really, but I'm sure he has a scope that's compatible with the NATO mounting.

I don't have a NATO mounting.

Bollocks.

I don't need it on my FAMAS though...

.skcolloB

I shuffled back and swung down to the window. Mindful of my unstable position perched on about three inches of wood, I carefully opened the window and slunk inside.

It was dark inside, since all the windows had dark green curtains over them. My eyes adjusted quickly to the relative darkness though and I took in the room.

There were weapons everywhere. All over the damn place. Bam, golden spear, bam, jeweled hammer, bam, sniper rifle. Besides that, everything was pretty simple wood in dark greens and browns. There were other dark colors here and there, but dark wood seemed to be the primary material. It made all the shiny weapons stand out all the more. “A military man's house if I ever saw one.” I said to myself. “Apparently someone remembered the elements and principles of design.” Despite my sardonic comments, I actually really liked it. My own apartment had similar dark wood, although I used lighter tones more often and had more blues and less greens. Regardless, it was obvious that it had been put together by a master designer, aka, not Honored Service. Probably Rarity.

I looked at the rifle and frowned. The scope looked pretty well attached, and taking the huge thing down from the wall and putting it back up again would be time consuming and, above all, loud. So find something else then.

I padded quietly into the closest room, which just so happened to be the master bedroom.

I think I almost shat myself.

A figure was standing in the corner, with enough weapons strapped to him to take down an army. A golden helmet with a green feathered plume sat on his head, with matching gold plating on the arms, legs and chest. He wore a military uniform under that, with a huge sword strapped to his back, and magazines poking out of his chest rig.

I took all this in in the fraction of a second it took me to draw the combat knife from its sheath under my armpit and thrust it towards his face.

I stopped a hair's breadth from plunging the knife right between his eyes. Or should I say, it's non-existent eyes. The figure was a mannequin.

“Jesus Christ, give me a heart attack why don't you?” I grumbled, spinning the knife once before returning it to its rightful place in its sheath.

I suppressed my urge to kill something with adrenaline still coursing through my veins, instead diverting my attention to the mannequin. There were a pair of Glocks, newer models than the ones Joel uses, strapped to its belt, along with a beautiful, beautiful knife.
My face lit up with a grin. “Bad Bertha. Come to papa.” I carefully drew the bowie. It was far smaller than Luna and Celestia, but still pretty damn big as knifes go, considering Luna and Celestia are more like short swords, both being over a foot long and a third as wide. I ran a finger down the flat of the blade, noting the metallic red swirls that denoted it's ridiculous sharpness. I swung her experimentally a few times in the air. Well balanced, not too heavy. Then again, I class my own knives as being 'not too heavy' and they weigh more than a couple of kilos each, so I'm probably not the best judge of this sort of thing.

“If only I could take you home with me.” I muttered. “Unfortunately, Honored would be pissed if I did.” I sheathed BB and sighed. “Such is life.”

I glanced at the other various weapons. Magic pistol under the arm, Glocks, and various throwing knives. I didn't really need those, my ballistic knife serves me fine in that department, so I moved on. There was what I was looking for. The M16A2, complete with ACOG scope. I sneaked over and snatched it from where it was leaning up against the wall before hanging it from a tab inside my coat.
Objective complete, I went back to the window and climbed out again, cursing my burned hand for being burned. Even though it was my fault. Stupid me.

I crawled back to the edge of the roof, drew out the M16 and sighted down at the markets. “Apples. Apples. Apple pie. Apple strudel. Apple peelers. Apple slicers. Jesus fuck, are those apple plush dolls? What is wrong with this town? More apple crap. Apples. Apples. Ooh, herbs and spices. Which consists almost entirely of apples. I don't know what I expected.”

“Do you normally talk to yourself when spotting?” Melody asked.

“I don't normally spot.” I replied, continuing to search for something that wasn't apple related.

“But your friend, Joel was it? He's a sniper.” Melody said, sounding confused.

“Yeah, but we're assassin, mercenary things. We generally know where a target is going to be. Besides I'm usually right next to the target, ready to stab them in the face if all goes well. Joel is usually more support. Although sometimes we run in like idiots for the hell of it, because sometimes that's the only way to kill the target on time, and sometimes we just get bored.”

“You have got to be the worst assassins ever.”

“You'd be surprised.” I stifled a woop of joy. “Finally, something that isn't fucking apples! Medicinal herbs, for cuts, burns and bruises. We also sell magic-weed. What's magic weed?”

“I assume it's a magical weed.” Melody commented dryly.

“Well that's fucking helpful innit. Either way, that's probably a good start.” I poked the M16 back inside my coat and crawled back to re-enter the house.

After carefully placing Honored's precious rifle back where I found it, and hoping they had no reason to dust for fingerprints on it anytime soon, I decided that I needed somewhere to figure out a quick plan for... well there's no point deceiving myself, I was fucking stealing the stuff. Assuming they had redbells. Which you'd think they would, considering they fed off magical burns.

Getting ahead of yourself. Go to the market, find out if they have it, steal it. Don't get seen. Simple. Easy.

Not easy.

A real pain in the arse actually.

As I stood in the darkness of Honored's empty house, I realized several things. One, my coat was made for being stealthy at night, in a city environment, with harsh shadows and desaturated colors. Currently? I was in a small town. In a cartoon. With more vibrant color than an acid trip.

In the middle of the fucking day.

With a burned to shit hand.

And no back up.

Not that I would really need back up against a bunch of pastel ponies, but still, I wouldn't have anybody to cover my back. Nor would I have someone with a sniper rifle to take out troublesome problems.

“Man, being alone sucks.” I muttered to myself. Obviously.

“Don't worry, you're not alone.” My electronic companion taunted from my pocket.

But god damn, sometimes I wish I was.

I sighed, rubbed a hand through my hair, something that I'd been doing a lot lately, and said “Alright then. You're the only... Well, being I have. What've you got?”

“10 grammes of glass, 30 grammes of pla-”

“No you idiot.” I cut her off, while still keeping my voice relatively low. “I mean abilities. You're magic. Do something magical. Make me invisible or something.”

“That's your friend's field of expertise, I just provide witty commentary and excellent music. Well, frankly it's terrible, but I don't have much to work with, do I?” Melody said.

“I assume you're referring to your commentary when you say that.” I snarled back. My taste in music was a bit of a sore spot. “So basically, you're useless. Lovely.”

“I can read your mind.”

“No. You can't. And that still doesn't help me.”

“Perhaps not, but it helps me.”

“You are the worst kind of person.”

“I'm not a person.”

“Electronic device then.”

“No, I'm pretty sure that goes to Holly.”

“Stop ruining my childhood.”

“Pretty sure you were busy killing people for most of it.”

“That was my early adulthood. And teenage years. Shut the fuck up.”

“You're still killing people.”

“Dragons, and I'm doing more stealing than killing these days.”

“And speaking of stealing, shouldn't you get back to getting those redbells before Honored Service wakes up?”

I stopped, a retort dying on my lips. “What?”

“Honored Service is currently asleep downstairs, either on the second floor or the basement. I can't really tell because of your incessant jabbering messing with my sonar.”

“You have sonar?” I choked out. “Why didn't you just say that?”

“Because you were asking about my magical abilities.” She replied irritably. “Now hush.”

I did, and I realized I could hear alternating extremely high and extremely low pitched pulses of sound, only barely within my own range of hearing, and definitely outside the range of a normal human's.

On a whim, I reached into my pocket and took a look at Melody's screen. Instead of being blank, the iPod was lighting up periodically with a series of lines which I instantly recognized to a portrait of this very room, with hard edges showing up a bright green, and other, less severe surfaces lighting up duller. After a few seconds, the perspective changed, becoming a top down view like a floor flan. Every significant object in the room was represented in some way, including myself.

“Ooh. I like this.” I said, a grin slowly stealing it's way onto my face. “Can you create something like this for the lower floors too?”

“If you'd shut up and let me process the data I'm getting, maybe I can.”

I waited a bit. The lines on the screen changed, similar outer walls, but a few differences. It was clearer on one side, near the stairs. Radiating out from that point, it slowly got more and more indistinct, until the proper contours were replaced by green blips, and eventually nothing at all, just blurry green rooms.

“Not perfect, but still excellent.” I said appreciatively. “But I don't see any human shapes on this. How do you know Honored is downstairs?”

Silently, Melody switched to a webpage I knew well.

I sighed and sat down on the large brown sofa Rarity had purchased. I kicked my feet up onto the coffee table, something Rarity would be very pissed about, and laid my head back. I’ll try and get at least a few hours of sleep before the afternoon. Then Luna would get here, and then… well then I’d go home.

“Oh fuck me.” I shook my head and grimaced. “That's some meta shit right there. And also worrying. Cause if I don't fix that damn rune, Honored and his marefriend are going straight into the sun. Or possibly just outer space. Both are not great for your health.”

“And you have about two hours, to steal some redbells, fix your hand, figure out how to fix the rune, fix it, and get clear so you don't get caught.” Suddenly, a face appeared on screen. It was pure black, with long, messy, strobing hair. There were no features, but when it cocked its head I could tell it was smiling condescendingly. “Have fun with that.”

Apparently Melody had a face now. Sort of. “Interesting choice for an avatar.”

The avatar of Melody shrugged. Somehow, it was exactly as my subconscious had pictured it. “I found it some website. I thought it suited me.”

“Suits you? I guess so.” I shoved the iPod back into my pocket. “More pressing matters to deal with now.”

“Although you had time to waste messing around with my name.”

“I didn't realize I only had two fucking hours.”

“It was closer to two and a half at the time.”

I glanced toward the window I climbed in through. It was still hanging open. “No time to waste anymore anyway.” I pulled my hood up, obscuring my vision slightly, but also my identity. And then I dived out the window.

And only remembered that my hand was burned to shit when I was just about to hit the ground.

I suppressed my urge to scream as I collapsed forward into a far from smooth roll to break my fall. It didn't work perfectly, not even close, but it was better than taking my entire weight on my legs and letting the energy bounce through my body. Probably.

“Fuck. My life.” I groaned, painfully easing my way back onto my feet. My right arm had spasmed and collapsed as I hit the ground, although fortunately I was rolling over my right shoulder, so it didn't do too much damage. Still, it hurt like hell.

“You could have always climbed down.” Melody muttered unhelpfully, albeit with less bite in her tone than usual.

I tugged my hood back into place, fixed the collar and, satisfied, slunk away into the shadows of the outer Everfree.

There was a slight wind, judging from how the leaves were moving. Perfect, movement was less likely to draw attention then. I moved with the gusts of wind, not exactly silent, but not really needing to be either. I was a thief, assassin and mercenary, not a ghost.

After following the edge of the forest for as long as possible, I diverted my path into the outskirts of the town, not bothering to stick to the shadows anymore. I walked purposefully, but I didn't run. Running draws a lot of attention. Moot point though, since aside from a small group of fillies playing, which I easily avoided, there was not a single pony in sight. I assumed it was because of the markets, and all the real activity would be there. Annoying, since that was where I was most likely to screw up, and more witnesses/roadblocks would make it that much more difficult, but I didn't have time to make this clean.

Not that I've had a clean op in about a year.

More clean then. I could always wipe the entirety of Ponyville off the map, but that would just screw me over in the long run. And for what? A burned hand? For all I knew, the others could already have a bunch of redbells and this was just a waste of time. I shrugged mentally. Whatever. I'd long since learned that psyching oneself out before doing anything that required fast decisions was a recipe for disaster.

Voices. Getting louder. Smells of food. Mostly apple based products. Fuck me.

Could be worse. They could be pears.

Still, if I ever get back home, I'm never eating a fucking apple again. This is ridiculous.

I cut off my thoughts and slowed my purposeful walk to a light footed sneak. I could see glimpses of the market stalls through the sparse buildings, a huge, sprawling mass of brightly colored little huts, filled with anything a rural living pony in a magical land could ask for. And then some.

I grimaced at the sight. There were far too many to search through. I knew what the stall I was looking for looked like, and was incredibly fortunate that the reading potion had lasted long enough for me to spy the one I needed from afar, but I couldn't spend time wandering around the markets drawing attention to myself.

This is why it's useful to have changeling friends. Or invisible friends.

I had to make do with what I got.

I sighed quietly. “Melody, got any other abilities that you aren't telling me about that might come in handy here? Magical or otherwise.”

“I can take pictures?” She suggested, posing it as a question instead of a statement.

I groaned. So I have useless sonar, music, a ton of weapons which I really don't want to use and an iPod that can take pictures. Wunderbar.

A sentient iPod. Shit, I'm brilliant. “You think I can take a few shots of the marketplace and you can make a map off it?”

“Easily.” She scoffed. “So long as we have someway I can get a bird's eye view.”

I looked up and sighed. Welp. Looks like it's climbing for me. Again.

“Get over it.” Melody snapped. “It's either pain now, or a dissolved hand later.”

I blinked. “I didn't say that out loud, did I?”

Melody made that strange blue screen of death noise again, before saying “No, you didn't.”

Whatever. Worry about sentient, mind reading machines later.

I took a short run up before throwing myself upwards, taking two steps on the wall and kicking off to catch the balcony railing above me one handed. I swung my legs left to right a few times before, with a final kick, launching the rest of my body up onto the balcony. After that, it was a relatively simple jump onto the roof.

Unfortunately for me, ponies like building insanely slanted roofs for some reason.

“Life... Fucking... Hates me.. Today.” I gasped out as I finally rolled onto the flat portion at the peak of the rooftop. I inhaled a few more times, blinked non-existent tears out of my eyes and rolled onto my stomach. I took out Melody and held her in landscape, pointing her camera at the markets. “The angle fine?”

The face- Melody's face appeared on screen. She looked like she was frowning. Somehow. I dunno how I got that idea, since she has no face. Intuition. “It'll do. There may be a few errors, but all you really need is the pathways and general crowd flow, yes?”

“The pathways was all I though you could do, so crowd flow is a bonus.”

“Please. Don't underestimate me.” She replied flippantly, her avatar flicking her strobing hair. “Pan me from left to right so I can get the whole thing.”

I slowly panned my iPod across the landscape. There was a series of clicks and I swear I could sense Melody smile.

“Excellent.” Melody's avatar put on a pair of pure white headphones and started bobbing her head. “Let's do this.”

I saw the images I took flip around, adjust and recolor, accelerating until it was just a blur. Finally I was left with an image that distinctly reminded me of Google maps, white-grey background for the ground, yellow for the streets, blue for market stalls and red dots showing crowd flow and predicting positions of the ponies. There was a bright orange tab labeled 'target'.

My face lit up. “Oh man, this is beautiful.”

“Thank you.”

I'm not sure which was more surprising, Melody thanking me, or Melody not being a bitch about it.

“As I've told you before, I have no relation to a female canine.”

Ugh. Mind reading.

I returned Melody to my pocket and barrel-rolled down the roof. Bad idea. My FAMAS caught the shingles and sent me spinning out of control. I managed to throw out my left hand in time to catch the edge and not smash myself into the balcony railing below. I almost pulled my arm out of its socket.

“Bloody hell.” I winced, dropping heavily to the balcony. “I have the worst ideas.”

“Like going to this much trouble to save somebody you've never even met?”

I grimaced and lowered myself over the railing, still one-handed. “Oh hush.”

I dropped and rolled, not screwing it up as badly this time, but still a far cry from my usually graceful landings.

Well, relatively graceful.

I tried not to get too hung up over it, instead focusing my efforts on something more immediately productive. Namely, not getting recognized as human.

I started by unslinging my FAMAS from my back and hanging it inside my coat instead, away from curious eyes. I checked my hood yet again, it still covered almost all my face and shrouded the rest in shadow. Finally, I approached the most annoying problem. I had hands. Diamond dogs had paws. Minotaurs' hands were huge and hairy. Only humans had hands this dexterous.

I shoved them in my pockets like a surly teenager. Fuck it. I didn't have time for much else.

I set off at a brisk pace towards the markets, occasionally glancing at Melody's screen to check the map. The red dots seemed to be moving mostly counter-clockwise, meaning a quick trip to the stall I wanted, but either running into a whole bunch of ponies or a long run on the way out. Ugh. Nothing I could do about that. I was going to draw a ton of attention either way.

Less thinking, more stealing.

I stepped out into the marketplace, earning several curious stares. Nothing overly cautious, considering a tall figure in a hooded coat just walked out of an alley. I guess they didn't deal with criminals much here. Probably just thought I was a monk.

I let the crowd mostly sweep me along, although I was given a wide berth by quite a number of the marketgoers. My height didn't help make me inconspicuous either, since even though I was far from tall by human standards, the tallest ponies only just came up to my chin. I tried walking casually, meandering about every now and then, instead of my usual brisk trot when I was focused on something. I had nothing to compare against, but it seemed like less ponies were staring, as though a tall hooded figure showing up to shop was a normal event, as opposed to beelining towards a stall.

I sneaked a quick glance at the map in my pocket. I was only a few meters away from my target. With my height, I could easily see the stall above the heads of the crowd. I recognized the crude drawing of a spiky leaf, although the writing was once again incomprehensible, meaning the reading potion had worn off.

I made my way towards it, excruciatingly slowly, as though I was mildly interested. It was a good thing I had my hood up, because my grimace would have been a dead giveaway that I was up to something. And the fact I was human. Duh.

I looked down at the shopkeeper, who smiled nervously up at me. There were rows of small boxes, about the size of matchboxes, made of some sort of dark wood with little inscriptions on them in gold leaf. Of course, I couldn't read it, but they were arranged in columns, twelve across, six up. Each column only held a single type of plant, I assumed, since each column had the same lettering on the boxes. Twelve different plants. And I didn't even know what any of them were.

“Hello?” The shopkeeper began tentatively. “What would you like to buy?”

I bit my lip. Do I just ask if he sells redbells? If he does, it'll be obvious I can't read equestrian. Fuck it. “Do you sell redbells at all?” I said, as politely as I could. My voice was strangely high pitched.

He glanced at the labels, confirming my suspicion, and then at my coat, and then finally, back at my face. Still in shadow, I hoped. “Foreigner are you?”

Smeg. “You could say that.”

“Well yes, I do sell redbells. How many would you like?”

“Just one should be fine for my purposes thanks.”

He paused. I raised an eyebrow, realized I had a hood on, and cocked my head instead.

“I'm sorry sir, but I'll need you to show me that you have the bits first.” He clicked his forehooves together nervously. “My wares are too valuable to give up without assurance of being paid.” 'Especially to someone dressed like you' was what I heard in his tone.
It's official. God hates me.

I had no idea which box was the redbell, the pause between me speaking was getting far too long and I had no bits to my name, let alone on me.

Are you a gambling man?

No.

I'm a winning man.

With a single, lightning fast movement, I used my left hand to scoop the entire front row of boxes into my right sleeve. Even as I did it, I was turning, getting ready to sprint away.

The shopkeeper was gobsmaked. “Wha- What? How? That should- what?” He stuttered.

Human motherfucker. Your enchantments don't mean shit.

I didn't say it, instead, I let my body do the talking.

I jumped up, placed my left hand on top of the stall sign, and used it to propel me over the stall, shopkeeper and everything else that was under me at the time. I wasn't too bothered, just so long as it didn't screw up my flight.

As I landed, I thrust my hands back into my pockets, with the side-effect of emptying the plant boxes into them as well, and began to run.
Have you ever run with your hands in your pockets? It's surprisingly difficult not being able to compensate for overbalances with your arms while running. But I made do. Wouldn't have taken gold at the Olympics, but then again, I'm not Jamaican, am I?

I turned sharply into an alley, just as the alarm rang out behind me, accompanied by screams and shouting. It sounded like a riot. Apparently ponies didn't steal much very often.

“Or maybe they just aren't stupid enough to do it in broad daylight.”

“Shut up Melody.”

The sound of the commotion slowly faded as I wended my way back to Honored Service's house. Far from untraceable, but who's stupid enough to follow somepony into the Everfree? Honored Service, but fuck, he's the reason I'm there in the first place, so who am I calling stupid?

Well, not technically the first place, since that was a swat team. Or possibly some magical bullshit. Both even.

Ugh, just focus on running.

I had reached the edge of Ponyville that bordered on the edge of the Everfree. There was about 30 meters of space between the farthest out house and the outermost tree. I could see Fluttershy's house in the distance. That's a visit I'd have to save for another day.

“There! In the coat!” A shout rang out behind me.

I sneaked a glance over my shoulder. A Pegasus was floating above the rooftops, pointing a hoof at me. As I watched, three others joined her.

“Son of a bitch.” I grumbled, ducking inbetween houses again. “This is exactly why I hate choppers.”

“Except these are faster, more maneuverable and can tackle you to the ground.” Melody reminded me.

“At least they don't have rocket pods.” I said optimistically, following the outer edge of the town while staying undercover as much as possible.

“Leave that to the unicorn's fireballs.”

I looked back again and watched as several unicorns in some sort of police armor cantered after me. One fired a bolt of ice. I dived into a roll and felt the chill as it passed over my head. It would have caught me full in the back if I hadn't dodged.

“That's ice you fuck!” I exclaimed, spinning out of the way of another bolt.

“Does it matter? It'll screw you either way.”

“Fucking he-”

“Pegasus!” Melody shouted frantically.

I spun and lashed out with my foot, catching my pursuer's wing and sending them sprawling into the ground.
“My god! It was just a few plants!” I grumbled as a barrage of ice bolts shot towards me. I jumped to my left, kicked off the wall and caught a low roof to my right. One handed. I wasted no time using my momentum to swing myself up and pocket my hand again. “What the shit is this?”

“They have a lot of bored cops I guess?”

I rolled my eyes and jumped to the next roof. At the speed I was running, the slope might as well have been flat ground.
After making some more progress towards the trail, and dodging dive-bombing pegasi, I jumped off the roof and rolled, my FAMAS banging painfully into my knee as I did. I swore and continued, dodging between the more and more sparse cover until I reached Honored's house. The pegasi hung back, and I had lost the unicorns completely on my brief rooftop sprint. I rocketed up the trail, leaving a trail of dust in my wake.

I dodged into the trees and searched the sky. Two of the pursing pegasi had flown off, one looked like he was bighting his lip and the other was shaking her head mournfully. They evidently thought I would get killed.

I probably will once the princesses find out about this.

Who's going to report a small town crime to the princesses?

Twilight's a fucking princess now. And she lives here.

Cross your fingers and hope she doesn't set her attack human on you.

He'll be preoccupied for the next three days at least.

Or forever if I don't do anything.

I've come too far to give up now.

“ROAR!”

Exactly.

Wait. What?

A huge manticore was barreling towards me, crashing through trees and ripping up saplings.

“Are you fucking kidding me?” I muttered, drawing Celestia in my left hand.

“Hey Edward! Found some redbells.” Shyv's voice called out.

She was riding on top of the manticore, stabbing one of the motorcycle blades into its neck with apparently minimal effect.
The manticore suddenly pitched forwards, throwing her off its back and leaving one of the blades stuck in its neck. Shyv flared her wings to stop herself from crashing into a tree, did a flip in the air, and flew back. After a second of dumbstruck inactivity, I pulled my thoughts together and charged with her, raising Celestia defensively in front of my face while simultaneously preparing her for a forward stab or slash.

Shyv hit first. A quick swipe of her remaining blade took out its eye, causing it to rear back in pain. I switched my gait a few paces before I hit, crashing into the manticore with my right shoulder and bowling it over onto the ground. Together, Shyv and I plunged our blades into its chest with a small gout of blood. I felt a rib crunch and give way under my knife, so I twisted it around a bit before withdrawing.

“You're late by the way.” Shyv commented mildly, pulling out both blades and wiping them on the corpse.

“Hey, you're just as late as I was.” I said, sheathing Celestia.

She used her magic to hold up a small cluster of red, bell-shaped flowers. “But were you as successful as I was?”

I shrugged. “Not a clue. I kind of had to leave in a hurry. I got twelve boxes of shit, and only one was probably redbells. Hopefully I didn't screw over that guy too badly. By the way, they're all enchanted, maybe, so be careful around them.”

“Noted.”

We hurried back to the clearing, where Joel and Vi were waiting in the shadow of the trees at the edge.

“You're late.” Joel called out, holding up a string of the red flowers. “What took you guys so long?”

“Manticores!” Shyvanna called back, slowing from a canter to a quick trot as we circled around the fringe.

“And the entirety of the Ponyville police force.” I added as we reached them.

“Sounds fun.” Joel said, with a small smile.

“Not with a burned hand it isn't.” I muttered.

He handed me the string of redbells, which I instantly slapped on my hand. The relief was instant, as a warm glow from inside my hand slowly transferred itself to the petals of the flowers.

“Oh that is so much better.” I sighed appreciatively. “So what happened to you guys?”

“Not much.” Vi shrugged. “I found a small patch within the first five minutes of searching and I've spent the last half hour making a wreath out of them.”

“Took me a little longer,” Joel continued. “But I joined up with Vi with quite a number only a few minutes later. I went and caught some food after that.” He gestured to a tree several meters deeper into the forest. Several cockatrices were strung up by their tails there.
I turned over my hand and pressed the petals into my palm. “Lovely. Shyv?”

“I had a few more problems, as you probably saw from the manticore that was trying to kill me.”

“So that's what the roar was.” Vi mused.

Shyv nodded in her direction. “Yeah, I found a patch of redbells pretty fast, so I decided to dig them up and see if I could find any firerubies underneath.” She held up a few small red gems with tiny fires burning inside them. “I did, as you can see, but it turns out I also found a manticore den. The father chased me, while the mother and cub stayed behind.

“I jumped up on his back and tried to subdue him, but he threw me off and tried to claw me to pieces, so I stabbed him in the neck and flew back up onto his back again. Then I ran into Edward and we took him down together. So if you need any manticore steak, there's another carcass in the trees over there.”

Joel's eyebrows shot up, as if to say 'because I didn't have enough butchering to do' but instead he said, “You hurt at all?”

Shyv shook her head. “Bit bruised, but nothing serious.”

“And speaking of wounds, how did you hold up with a burned hand?” Vi asked, addressing me.

I grimaced and flexed my right hand. I could move it without it hurting anymore, so it was healing well. “Not great. Didn't help that I decided that it would be a good idea to steal a bunch of shit in broad daylight.”

It wasn't just Joel's eyebrow that was raised this time. “What happened?”

I recounted the past half hour, including changing Melody's name. “So yeah, we have about an hour to figure out how to disable this ward, fix this rune, and hide.”

Joel cracked his knuckles and popped his neck. “Then we'd better get started then aye?”

Author's Note

Sorry for the wait blah blah blah cheese.

47: 420 blaze.

Honor the Dead
by BinaryTroll
Pre-read/Edited by Honored Service
Chapter 47:“420 blaze.”

"Well, that's all well and good, but how do we get started?" Vi broke in.

Joel and I exchanged a glance. "Um. Good point. I have no idea."

"So far we've tried reactivating that power I had for a second, and instead turned me invisible; using natural human defense against magic, and then wasted about half an hour hunting down a magical burn medicine for magical burns." Joel said, counting out on his fingers. He held up his hand, showing us two fingers. "Did I miss anything?"

I bit my lip, thought for a bit and said, "Nope. We've done tried a total of two solutions."

"It doesn't sound like much, but to be fair there's not much else we can do." Shyv asserted. "Regardless, both of those solutions should've worked."

I held up a finger. "In theory."

"But theory and practice are two different words for a reason." Melody interjected.

"Can you not interrupt?" I asked peevishly. "But she has a point. Sure, it was my point, but whatever."

"What options do we have then?" Joel asked, crossing his arms.

I drew out the two books and opened them up. "None, so let’s find some. Vi, you can read, yes?"

"I can."

I gave her the herb book. "This'll probably be our best chance. See if you can find something that enhances natural magical power."

Without opening it, she said "That's easy. Magic-weed will enhance all magical capability, although its use is generally frowned upon."

I cocked my head in interest. "What's it look like? I may have accidentally stolen some from the market."

"Spiky leaves, often set aflame and then smoked." She replied. "It's said to strengthen the user's connection to the magical plane."

Oh. "Um. I think I may have picked some of that up." I drew out the marijuana leaf I had stolen from Zecora. "Would this be it by chance?"

“Yep, that's the one.” She said, smiling.

I stared at the leaf. “Are you fucking kidding me?”

Vi cocked her head. “What?”

I brandished the leaf. “Uh, this is weed. Ganja. Cannabis. Marijuana. Whatever other fucking names this drug has. Point is...”

“It's a depressant,” Melody finished for me. “In humans at least, it induces a number of symptoms including: a decrease in short-term memory, dry mouth, impaired motor skills, reddening of the eyes, increased appetite, heightened relaxation and feelings of paranoia or anxiety."

I raised an eyebrow. "What, pull all that from Wikipedia?"

"Yes actually." She replied. "I thought you needed the help."

I briefly considered replying acidly, but relented. She didn't seem particularly malicious at this point. "Whatever. So you're telling me that if I smoke this, it will increase my magical ability."

"Yes?" Vi said uncertainly.

I frowned. "You don't sound very sure."

"Well, since I have no idea what it does to humans, I can't really be." She shrugged. "I'm just telling you what I know."

I grimaced and pocketed the weed. "Okay, that's a last resort. See if you can find something else."

"Got it." She saluted, planted her hindquarters down and began to read.

I turned to Shyv and Joel. "Alright then, what else have we got?"

"Something along the lines of nothing." Joel replied confusingly.

"I guess we can try to replicate the original conditions of when you did the thing?” Shyv offered more helpfully.

“Tried that.” Joel replied.

“Turned him invisible and gave me a headache.” I continued.

“Sounds like a perfect success then.” She said humorously.

I didn't laugh. “Alright then. Basically our options are: Drugs, and drugs.”

“Sounds like such a Dan decision, doesn't it?” Joel sighed.

“That guy is the biggest fackin druggo.” I said, slipping into a comically Australian accent.

We laughed. Old jokes. From back when we weren't in a world that looked like an excessively friendly acid trip.

What was that?

Homesickness.

And multiple personalities apparently.

Who? Me?

Ignoring myself, I rustled around in my pockets and picked out the boxes I had snatched. “Alright, and in box number 1!” I tear open the first box with a flourish. There's a few shriveled white petals lying there, completely undramatically.

“Is it really necessary for you to shout like that?” Shyv asked.

“4 boxes remain Wards... Or will you try the weed?” Joel said, adding to my unnecessarily dramatic performance.

I crossed my arms and thrust them out in front of me, parodying the 'popular' (ha ha) Australian game show. “No deal!”

Joel made a sound like an entire audience 'OOOOing', which I must admit was kind of scary. And then Melody chimed in with a jingle from the show and I collapsed into the throes of laughter. Vi and Shyv stared at us, confused.

“Australia,” I said, waving a hand dismissively. “Don't worry about it.”

“Okay...” Vi said slowly, looking back down at the plant book. “By the way, those petals are from the Fleur de la Crème flower, known for particularly in its use in cooking and making potions not taste terrible. It's a part of the reading potion, although not actually needed for the magic if I remember correctly.”

"Fleur de la Crème?" Joel asked, rolling his eyes.

"Probably the most pretentious sounding way of saying Flower of the Cream." I grumbled. "But hey, that's what saying things in other languages as part of one's general vernacular does. C'est la vie, I guess.”

“I thought German was our thing.” Joel said.

I shrugged in reply. “French, German, it's all cheese to me. Anyway, on with the boxes.”

I opened the rest with significantly less ceremony than the first, and probably rightfully so. They held a rather unimpressive collection of dried herbs, seeds and other such things. None of it useful according to the plant book. Of course.

I sat down heavily and sighed. “This has got to be some sort of cruel joke.”

Shyv cocked her head.“Why?”

“Basically, I've never done drugs.” I said. “I barely even drink.”

“That time on the mountain begs to differ.” She said, her mouth twitching up into a smile. “You could really hold your liquor.”

I winced at the memory. “My body metabolizes toxins at an increased rate, in comparison to most humans at least. Yet another perk of body modification.”

“But that's good right?” She asked. “Means you won't get high or whatever.”

With a grimace I stood up again. “Yeah, that's the problem. Tetrahydrocannabinol bypasses a lot of the toxicity metabolizing stuff and actually directly affects certain areas of my brain associated with bloodrage, namely liking the color red. A lot."

"Tetrahedron cannibal what now?"

“Tetrahydrocannabinol. It's the primary psychoactive chemical in cannabis that makes it work as a drug, although there's a ton of other stuff too.” I shrugged. “Anyway, my point is I'll probably end up trying to eat a lot of red stuff. Unfortunately that means your mane. Probably.”

“I'm not entirely sure I follow.” Shyv muttered, looking a bit overwhelmed.

“Basically, bad shit will probably happen. Magic will also probably happen. Biggest problem is, we don't know what's going to happen.” I pounded my head with my fist a couple of times. “And we're out of options and time.”

“We could always, you know, not waste our time trying to help somebody we've never met.” Vi muttered, closing the book with a snap. “I know you've read about him and all, but still.”

Joel sighed good naturedly “Don't even try Vi, once he decides to do something, he either does it or he doesn't, you won't be able to change that.”

I ran a hand through my hair. That's probably true, but it makes me sound like a particularly annoying donkey or something. Whatever. I grabbed the fresh leaf from Zecora's garden out of my pocket and rolled it up. “I dunno how this works.”

“Pretty sure you chop it up and roll it into a piece of paper or something.” Joel said, holding out his hand. “How do you not know? You rattled off how all the chemicals work off the top of your head.”

I stood up and handed him the leaf. “I care about how smoking it will effect me, not how to actually smoke the damn things. Although you'd think I'd know by now, considering the people we talk to.”

He hummed in agreement and started crushing up the leaf. “Pretty sure this too wet to use.”

I growled in frustration, dragging my nails down my face. “Why does nothing have to be easy?”

“Wasn't there some dried in one of the boxes?” Shyv pointed out.

There was indeed some in the third box, as I found out a second of rummaging through my pockets later. “Nevermind then I guess.”

“You're so melodramatic.” Vi said, rolling her eyes.

“Ever since I turned fifteen my life has been like a bad movie.” I said jokingly. “I have every right to be.”

“Close, but no banana for you, monkey.” Melody said from my pocket.

“What's that supposed to mean?”

“You'll find out someday.” She replied mysteriously.

“So basically you're just fucking with me?” I deadpanned.

“If only.”

“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?”

“Whatever I want it to.”

“Going back to pretending you don't exist.”

“Noted.”

“Gah!” I threw my hands up in the air. “Why in all fuck do I have a sentient iPod?”

“I thought you were pretending I didn't exist.” Melody said.

“Shut the fuck up.”

Vi rolled her eyes. “Yep, definitely melodramatic.”

“Are we going to stand around all day or are we going to smoke some weed?” Joel asked, waving the box in the air. “Cause I'm pretty sure we're running out of time.”

“The cute one is correct, you have three point two-eight-five minutes before Honored Service and Princess Luna arrive.” Melody informed us.

“Cute one?” Joel and I asked in unison.

She didn't reply.

“Nevermind, we don't have time for this.” I said, grabbing the dried marijuana. I roughly split it down the middle and handed half to Joel. “So we got any paper? Or a bong?”

“We have a couple of books.” Vi said, levitating up the plant guide.

I frowned in disapproval. “Yeah, no. Anything else?”

“Let's just light it on fire and breathe.” Joel said.

“Will that work?” I asked.

He shrugged. “Probably not.”

“Fuck it, whatever.” I tossed the handful of dried leaves onto a rock. “Torch it Shyv!”

“What am I, a match?” She muttered, rolling her eyes.

“No, you're thermite.” I said with a smile.

She sighed, inhaled and blew a small gout of flame onto the leaves. They started to smolder, releasing a trail of gray, wispy smoke.

I stared at it. “Welp. Here goes my straight edge-ness.”

“Technically you've already lost it, being addicted to coffee and all. Not to mention several alcohol binges.” Joel helpfully reminded me.

“Whatever.” I braced myself, brought the rock up to my face and sniffed. It smelled like burning. “Right then.”

I inhaled deeply.

Shyvanna perspective

“Right then.” Edward muttered to himself. He stared at the leaves for a second before breathing in.

“How do you feel?” I asked, curious as to what would happen. He had seemed extremely uneasy at the prospect of trying it.

He shrugged. “Meh, hasn't done anything yet.” He held the rock out to Joel, who took it and added his leaves to the pile. “You ready to light up?”

He inhaled as well, shaking his head slightly. “Blegh, can't say I'm a fan.” He passed the rock back to Edward, who took another pull.

“Aren't you going to give us some?” Vi asked.

“Fuck no.” He gave it back to Joel. “I need you two sober in case so-” He doubled over. “Oh what the fuck!”

I rushed to his side. “You all right?”

He coughed, expelling a small gout of smoke, and muttered something under his breath.

I nudged him with my head, helping him stand up straight again. “Are you sure you're alright to do this?”

With a shudder, he turned towards me, crouched down and stared me directly in the eye. “Your mane looks delicious.”

“Pardon?”

He grabbed a lock of my mane and put it in his mouth, not breaking eye contact the whole time. “Have you ever tried runes? They're fun. They dance around in front of your eyes. It's funny.”

I grabbed my mane with my wing and pulled it out of his mouth. “Stop that.”

He put it back in his mouth. “No. The runes told me to. Your hair is magic.”

“Is magic-weed supposed to do this?” Vi asked, looking on with an amused smile.

“Last I checked it was a depressant, not a hallucinogen.” Joel said, stifling a laugh. “But he did warn you.”

“Speaking of which, how are you feeling?” She asked Joel.

He shrugged and took another breath from the smoking leaves. “To be honest, not that different. Kinda empty and tired I guess. Basically what I'd expect.”

“Not wanting to eat my mane?” I asked, giving up stopping Edward.

“Not at all.” He replied, walking over to the rune. “Think I can be magical now?”

“Try it.” Vi said, shrugging. “If not, we still have redbells.”

“Alright then.” He knelt down and touched the rune. There was a flash, just like before, and the silver in Joel's suit started to glow a brilliant crimson. “Success!”

“Just one problem.” I started, prodding Edward with my hoof. “Our resident runic expert is currently tripping out and trying to eat my mane.”

He stood up, and with my mane still in his mouth, said, “I'm not tripping out. Your mane just tastes nice.”

“Then can you hurry up and fix the rune?” I grumbled. “Preferably before I have more spit in my mane than actual hair.”

He strolled over, dragging me behind him. The rune was dimly glowing red again. He dropped my mane out of his mouth and grinned. “Man Honored. You actually have no idea what you're doing. I'm surprised you got this far.”

“So what do we do?” I asked, using telekinesis to remove his spit from the end of my mane.

He knelt down next to Joel and scratched a new glyph over one of the existing ones. “That's the whole space-time dimensional problem solved. That should sync up with the approximate time he left, give or take a few years.”

“A few years?”

“Runes are an exact science, emotions aren't. The guy has so much crap running around in here that some temporal distortion is almost certain to happen.” Edward grabbed Joel's sleeve and casually bit a massive chunk out of it, chewing the now glowing red and white cloth contentedly. To Joel's credit, he didn't even blink. “Now Shyv and Vi, I need you to channel your magic into these two glyphs here.” He said, pointing at a pair of simple lines. “And once that's done, I need Joel to channel all the magic back.” He sketch a different, more complex glyph. “This'll automatically divert a small amount into the measurement, with all three different types of magic creating a proper, sophisticated measuring device, not this pathetic excuse for a magical tape-measure.”

“You're kind of hard to take seriously with a scrap of sleeve hanging out of your mouth.” I said, trying not to giggle.

“Shut up or I'll eat your mane again.” He said, standing up and dusting his pants off.

I looked down at the intricately detailed and endlessly complicated rune. It made my head spin. “So uh, where's the glyph again?”

He sighed and pointed it out. “Come on, it ain't that hard.”

I didn't respond, instead opting to channel some magic into the glyph. It started to glow a more orange-red and had a flame like effect to it. Vi did the same, and the second line lit up a sickly green. Joel placed his hand back on the rune and the red magic flowed over it, causing the new glyph Edward had written to glow particularly bright. After a second of intense light, the rune went back to looking like some drawings in the dirt.

“Job Complete!” Edward whistled a little jingle and clapped his hands.

“You have twenty seconds until Princess Luna teleports into the space you are currently occupying.” M3, or Melody now, advised us. “I would recommend not being there, lest you get telefragged.”

“I've never been telefragged before. Wonder what it's like.” Edward muttered.

“I personally don't want to find out!” I exclaimed, using my wings to boost me forward and tackle him into the nearby bushes. Joel and Vi quickly followed suit.

There was a flash and an indigo alicorn appeared in the clearing behind us. She giggled and sat down to wait. I was lying on top of Edward, trying my hardest not to breathe, while he munched on my mane again. After about a minute, a tall figure jogged into the clearing. He was tall, taller than Edward and Joel at least, and wore a curious hybrid of gold plate, a plumed helmet, and some sort of camouflage clothing with a bulky vest.

"Seriously Luna, stop teleporting on my couch. Burn marks are incredibly hard to get out." He grumbled, in a very different accent to my friends'.

"I don't know what you're talking about." Princess Luna replied, badly feigning innocence.

The human sighed and reached into his satchel. He pulled out a strange assortment of items and started to place them around the points of the rune.

“Okay now if you’ll please put this vial of tears on that point there.” He said to Luna, handing her a small vial and gesturing to the farthest point of the six pointed star. Luna picked up the vial and gently set it down on the tip of the point carved into the ground. “Great.”

He pulled a long blue flight feather out and placed it on another of the corners. There was only one empty point now. He turned to the princess, grinned mischievously, and said, “Jeeze Luna, is it going to be a full moon tonight or are you just getting rounder?”

“WHAT!?” Her head snapped around like a whip.

Honored's grin grew even wider. “Oh I guess not, the moon is probably smaller.”

“YOU'RE GOING TO DIE!” Luna leaped at him from across the rune with one hoof outstretched.

“Why did I think this was a good idea?” He asked himself unnecessarily, just before her hoof made contact with his face.

There was a huge 'CRACK' and Honored swayed drunkenly, his broken nose dribbling blood onto the last point of the star. Luna brought her hoof up for another hit, but he quickly held a hand up and caught her incoming hoof, pointing down with his free hand.

“Thanks Luna.” He smiled and placed his hand on his nose before snapping it back into place. “I didn’t really want to cut myself. And I kind of wanted to see how quickly I could make you mad.” He chuckled as the blood stopped flowing from his nose. “Wait, speaking of the moon, how is Celestia going to know she has to raise and lower it while you’re gone?”

Luna began to shuffle her hooves against the ground before looking up to him with a wavering smile, “Honored, do you really think that Celestia, my sister, is going to be fooled that easily?”

“Shit.” He pulled a scroll out and ripped it open, before beginning to read the spell while charging magic into a gauntlet he wore on his left hand. Luna ran to his side and also began to channel her magic into her horn. Red and blue magic swirled together, glowing as bright as the sun.

“To travel back to any plane,
One must be utterly insane.
Casting the spell to rip and tear,
Sending to another sphere.
Just focus on the spot,
And ready the thought.
Long for day thrice,
And pay the price.
Speak the place now,
And space will allow.”

"Time and space you dummkopf." Edward muttered, slowly pushing me off him. "You're gonna fuck this up so badly."

At the center of the rune, a white line appeared stretching from six feet in the air to the ground. Random bolts of raw magical energy began lashing out across the clearing from the line as it slowly began to open into a portal. It started to hold a circular shape with a white outline and the inside was filled with black swirling energy. More and more of the bolts lashed out from the portal striking everywhere until one of them hit the alicorn feather. Upon impacting the feather the magical bolt stayed locked to the feather creating a line of energy connecting the portal to the rune. Soon all the magical artifacts had single bolt of pure white energy going from the portal to the point on the rune.

“Wow.” Luna said, her magic slowly dying down as the portal became self-sustaining, feeding from the magical artifacts. “It worked.”

“Not yet.” Honored said, reaching out and holding Luna back. “One more thing.”

“STOP!”

I winced as Princess Celestia came hurtling towards them from the sky. She looked pissed. Honored gulped and glanced back at the portal. The swirling darkness didn't look too inviting.

“Home.” I barely heard him whisper. Red bolts of energy leaped from his gauntlet and hit the portal, turning the black center into a deep red pool of churning energy.

Edward dropped my mane out of his mouth and stared intently at the now churning red portal.

“Luna this is it. I’m going in. You can either stay here and explain where I’ve gone, or you can come with me like you wanted.” Honored held out his hand to Luna. She looked at him and then towards her sister, who was fast approaching the clearing. She looked down at herself and then nodded. She placed her hoof into his hand and then turned to face Celestia, who was just above the clearing.

“Sister I’ll be back in three days! Take care of the moon!”

Honored saluted. “I’ll keep her safe!”

Edward stood up, dragging me with him, just as the pair jumped through the portal. "It looks so tasty." He muttered, sprinting towards it with inhuman speed. I launched myself after him, colliding just as the portal started to close.

I jammed my eyes shut and braced for impact.

Author's Note

DEAL OR NO DEAL.

The worst of the best Australian mid-day shows. Literally only watched when waiting for the doctor.

Anyway, this chapter is quite a bit shorter than the last couple, but don't worry. Another is coming soon.

-ish.:trollestia:

48: Welcome home, scum.

Honor the Dead
by BinaryTroll
Pre-read/Edited by Honored Service

Chapter 48:“Welcome home, scum.”

I don't often wake up lying on top of a naked woman.

In fact, I'm pretty sure that's never happened before, me being the shut-in that I am.

So this was a first for me.

Then again, so was smoking weed off a rock in a forest, traveling through a portal and all that crap, so I probably wasn't as surprised as I really should be.

I was still plenty fucking surprised though.

"Gah! WHAT THE FUCK?" I shouted, recoiling.

The woman looked up at me curiously. "I can't feel my hooves."

Oh fuck no. "Shyv?"

"What?" She looked up at me and cocked her head. "Are you all right?"

I bit my lip. "I'm fine."

"Oh. Good." She shifted. "Mind getting off me? You're a bit heavier than I thought you would be."

I rolled off her and looked up at the sky. It was night time. The stars were dim, only a few glowing bright enough to be seen. The moon was tiny. And missing something.
"Holy fuckballs." I said quietly to myself. "I'm back."

There was the southern cross, glowing just above me. I was in Australia. I was home.

And then Shyv screamed.

I shot up to my feet and whipped my head around. She was staring at herself, tears forming in her eyes. "What the fuck is this?"

"Uh." I considered averting my eyes, decided there wasn't much point, and held out a hand instead. "You're human. For some reason."

"I CAN FUCKING SEE THAT!" She yelled, waving her arms around.

I grimaced. "Calm down. Take my hand, stand up. We need to find you some clothes before we get arrested."

She closed her eyes and took a few deep breaths. She sounded like she was hyperventilating. That's a first. After a few seconds, she opened them again and looked up at me. “How do I stand up?”

I offered my hand again. “Move your arm up, get your fingers and curl them around my wrist.”

She reached up and clumsily grabbed my hand. “Like this?”

I nodded. “Now bend your knees and pull.”

With considerable effort on her part, I helped her to her feet and steadied her while she swayed left and right, attempting to keep her balance. She stumbled and I thrust out an arm to catch her before she fell.

“How do you walk like this?” She asked, giving up and leaning into me instead.

“With three year's practice, instincts and abusing the inner ear.” I replied, acutely aware of how close she was.

“Abusing the inner ear?” She asked cocking her head.

“Yeah.” I grunted and propped her up again, where she stayed for about a second before falling against me again. “There's fluid inside and a bunch of little hairs that help your brain get an idea of where gravity is. That's why spinning around makes you dizzy.”

She looked dizzy, or more, sick. “The more you know.”

“You think you can stand on your own now?” I asked, starting to take my hands away.

“I'm really not sure if will ever be able to stand on two legs.” She replied, stumbling away from me and falling flat on her face.

I suppressed a laugh and knelt down beside her. She didn't look up.

“I don't think I like being human.” She muttered, her voice muffled by the ground. “These things on my chest are really inconvenient.”

“What do you mean?” I asked, my eyes flicking to her back. There was a line of red scales running down her spine, tapering off as they reached her neck. Her shoulder blades were also a lot more pronounced, almost as though they were trying to burst out of her skin.

“They seem to be really sensitive, and they get crushed easily. Like right now for example.” She moved her arms and succeeded in rolling over onto her back. “That's better.”

“Do you want to try again?” I asked.

She made a look of distaste. “Can I just lie here until we go home?”

“But I have to show you all the awesome human stuff.” I wined.

“Do a drawing or something.” She muttered, waving her hand in a surprisingly human way. I sighed, put my hands under her and lifted her up. “Hey!”

“We can't stay here. I'll get arrested for drugging and trying to rape you or something.”

She absentmindedly scratched her nose. “Why?”

“Cause you're a naked woman of about eighteen to twenty-five who is currently incapable of moving without assistance, and I'm a creepy man in a coat.” I sighed. “The coat alone has been enough to get me investigated by police several times.”

“So where are we anyway?” She asked, craning her head to look over my shoulder. “It's kinda... I dunno, gray here? Everything looks like all the color's been washed out”

I looked around. We were in a park. There was a steep hill at one end and a bridge over a dried up river that lead into a small forest at the other. A road wound it's way around it. There was also a small playground with a swing set, a seesaw and climbing equipment. It was all too familiar. “This is the park next to my childhood home.” I said quietly. “Welcome to Earth Shyv. This is my world.”

“Wow.” She looked up at the sky and blinked a few times. “There aren't as many stars, and the sky's a lot darker too. No wonder you wear black all the time, it blends in a lot better here.”

I hummed in agreement and began to walk up the hill, wondering where I could get some clothes. “Any preferences for clothing?”

“I have always wanted to wear a dress.” Shyv murdered to herself. “But I'm not sure if you even have those here. Besides, it might make it difficult to walk.”

I lay her down on the bench that was situated on the crest of the hill and sat down next to her. “Good that you're taking that into consideration, cause I'm not carrying you forever.”

She propped herself up on one elbow and levered herself into a sitting position. “I didn't really expect you to, but I could hope, couldn't I?”

I rolled my eyes. “You could, but shouldn't.”

She shrugged philosophically. “Yeah, losing hope is always more devastating than never hoping to begin with. But living that way is so tiresome and depressing.”

“I disagree.” I said, gazing out towards the city, which we had a perfect view of from the top of the hill. “If you live as a pessimist, you're happiness equilibrium is still lower, put you have more periods of meaningful happiness. That's what I feel at least.”

“What's that?” She asked, following my gaze.

I closed my eyes and leaned back, suddenly feeling tired. “That's Brisbane City. Think Canterlot, or maybe Manehattan, except with loads more lights, skyscrapers and boring offices. Then again, I can't really make a judgment call on that since I've barely explored Canterlot and haven't even seen Manehattan in the flesh.”

“It looks far more beautiful than you give it credit for.” She said, a little smile on her face.

I opened my eyes. “Many things look beautiful from a distance. Mountains, blizzards, volcanic eruptions, space. But that doesn't mean that they're fun to be in the middle of.”

“Regardless, I'd like to see this Brisbane city.” She said.

I shrugged. “Maybe we can. But tonight I want to get my bearings a bit more, a lot could have changed in the time since I was away.”

She shivered. “It's getting rather cold. I didn't realize how much having a coat helped.”

A coat? “Oh, do you want mine? That's a temporary solution to the clothes problem too.” I stood up and stripped it off. “First I'll need you to stand up though.”

She looked down, a movement which I mimicked and regretted instantly as she spread her legs in an effort to gain better balance. Well, I least I found out that only the hair on her head was red. Everywhere else it was the same steel gray as her old coat.

“You're such a pervert.” Melody said from my pocket, making me (literally) jump about six feet straight up into the air.

“Fucking hell! You're going to give me a heart attack.” I said, after rolling to break my fall.

“Unlikely, considering you have a rather healthy heart.” She replied snidely. “But it was beating at a rather high rate.”

“Cause you fucking randomly start talking out of nowhere!”

“Well, actually, your reaction was more of guilty surprise. Maybe looking at something you shouldn't?” I swear I could see her sarcastic smile.

“I'm asexual, fucking sue me.” I said, feeling my heart rate begin to slow and my impulse to smash a hole in something diminish.

She laughed. “Since I'm not the victim I wouldn't sue you, but I'd sure as hell testify against you as a witness.”

“But you didn't see shit!”

“Don't need to. In fact, the evidence I can provide is far more condemning than a mere eyewitness account.”

“Why do I keep you around?”

“Because you insist on continuing to watch a show made for little girls and reading a bad fanfiction of it.”

“Hey! I'm reading that to assist in my own survival.”

“No you aren't.”

“Yes I am!”

“You're in denial.”

“GO FUCK YOURSELF!”

Shyv tapped me on the shoulder. She was standing unassisted. “I hate to break up your fun little conversation, but something's coming.”

I shut up and listened for a second. “That's a car. That's a car. Oh fucking hell.”

“What?” Shyv asked, confused.

“Remember that thing that Joel and I were lying near the wreckage of when you first found us?”

“Yes...”

I grimaced. “It's one of those. We're going to need to find somewhere to hide.”

“Why?”

“Cause someone might see us.”

“So?”

“YOU ARE FUCKING NAKED!”

She looked down and poked her boobs in an annoyingly cute way. “Oh, that's right. You don't like that.”

“It's not that I don't like it.” Try to make that sound less creepy next time eh? “It's just I have priorities. Namely, not going to prison on my first day back home.”

She sighed. “Okay, so where do we hide?”

I saw the headlights flare as the car turned the corner, blinding me. “Just get down!” I yelled, tackling her to the ground.

I waited for the engine to go away. It didn't. I heard the sound of a car braking and then the crunch of shoes on gravel and the slam of two doors.

Fuck.

“Hey!” The footsteps grew more frantic as the person broke into a sprint.

Fuuuuck.

I felt hands grab me by the shoulders and haul me backwards, while a woman's voice yelled “Get off her!”

“Well I've had your assistance in that task, haven't I?” I muttered as I was thrown to the side like a sack of potatoes.

“Police! No sudden movements, put your hands slowly on your head!”

A female officer stood over me, point what appeared to be a Glock at my head. A male officer, who was the one had thrown me over here, was drawing his own pistol.

I considered rushing them, but I didn't really trust my coordination after the teleport/drugs combo. I slowly moved my hands to place them on top of my head.

“What the hell do you think you're doing?” The woman screamed at me, her voice breaking a little.

I sighed philosophically. “Being threatened at gunpoint by a female police officer I suppose. You shout a lot, you know that?”

“Don't try to be smart with me.” She said, face like concrete.

I rolled my eyes. “What, don't like having your intellect challenged? I can sympathize with that.”

“You're the one with a gun pointed at your head.” She said, smiling nastily. “Give me an excuse, nobody will miss you.”

“Calm down Stacy. You're scaring the poor girl.” The male cop said, lowering his gun and placing a hand on her shoulder.

“Fuck off Jeff. He's an attempted rapist, he deserves what's coming to him.” She reply sharply.

I giggled at the bizarreness. Out of all the crimes I could get arrested for, I'm arrested to the one that isn't even physically possible for me.

“What are you laughing about?” Stacy asked, tightening her grip on the gun.

“Oh nothing, just irony.”

“Um, Edward, what's going on?” Shyvanna asked, lying almost perfectly still.

“I'm getting arrested for one of the few crimes I didn't actually commit.” I sighed. “Don't worry, it'll be 'k”

Meanwhile, Jeff had circled around behind me. “Stacy, he's got a gun. Looks like an assault rifle.”

“Modified G2 FAMAS. A French assault rifle with a fire-rate of up to 1100 rounds per minute and a muzzle velocity of almost a kilometer per second. With my modifications weighs four kilograms and allows it to mount blades that effectively turn it into a bladed tonfa that can be used in close quarters combat as well as clip easily and securely onto my back.” I recited. “Questions?”

Jeff snorted. “Where'd you get it?”

“Stole it off a terrorist's corpse.”

“Well, I'm sorry but I'm going to have to relieve you of it.” He said sarcastically, ripping it off me. “Are you carrying any other weapons sir?”

I sighed. “I could do without the attitude. Just because I'm a criminal doesn't mean you have to be a fuckhead. Also, you mind cuffing me? I'm getting sick of sitting here with my hands on my head like I'm a primary school kid.”

“Then sit like that a while longer. Take it as the beginning of your punishment.” Stacy said.

I groaned, looked up her and said, “Yeah, no.”

“What?”

I lashed out with my left palm, hitting the gun from her hand before using the momentum from the hit to spin myself around and bring my right elbow into the side of her head. She was lifted off her feet and thrown sideways about a meter.

There was a crack and I saw stars as something hit me across the back of the head. A second strike finished the job and all I saw was black.

-BLUE SCENE-

A table. Chairs. I was sitting in one. There were other people in the other ones. Three, four including me. A chandelier above me casting warm light around. There was a plate in front of me, with a piece of fried salmon on it as well as some salad. The other people at the table had the same. One was crying. She was a large woman, around fifty, with glasses. She made me feel safe for some reason. There was a man, about the same age, with a gray beard and a strong but intelligent face. Finally, there was a tall, thin young man, perhaps still a teenager, with a neatly trimmed beard and sharp features. I felt small, siting awkwardly in this chair. I was wearing a pair of dirty cargo pants, a ripped black shirt and had numerous small cuts and scrapes all over me.

Here it was again.

This dream.

I'd been having it since I was young, much younger than I was now.

This was my family. This was my house, my table, my dinner. Me trying to return to my old life.

I knew what happened next too. Of course I did, I've had this dream too many times to forget.

-INDIGO SCENE-

I sat within the Dreamscape, staring down at my new body. It was strange, being in an unfamiliar skin within an environment that was so my own. There were dreams too. All the humans, dreaming away. There were so many, and far more nightmares too. Scenes of brutality and suffering that could drive a mare mad. And there were hundreds of thousands of millions of them. I couldn't even begin to imagine what it would take to help them all. It made me sad, for all my power I still could not save ponies from themselves.

I sighed and swept them all away. There was nothing I could do. I wouldn't know where to begin.

It was times like this when I missed my own capacity to dream. I usually liked helping other ponies with their inner fears, it brought a sense of fulfillment that I rarely got anywhere else. It also set me apart from my sister somewhat, who helped Equestria as a whole more often than on an individual basis as I did. But sometimes I just wanted to take a night to myself too. Unfortunately, this was my responsibility, and it wasn't something I was even able to avoid.

With that thought rolling around in my head, I looked around the blankness of the Dreamscape and decided to sample some of what humanity had to offer. I was only here for three days after all.

I pulled back the massive tornado of dreams and tore away a random chunk from the mass. About nine or so dreams twisted around each other in the bundle, so after sending the rest away again, I spread them out in front of me.

The first looked rather interesting. A small human, perhaps a bit older than a foal but not quite a proper colt, sat on top of a giant caterpillar and was riding it around a city, climbing up over buildings and the like. I decided against it for now, I still had plenty more to choose from.

The second seemed a little less strange. An older human, balding and with a bit of a paunch sat in one of those motorized carriages that humans used. Cars? That was it, he was sitting in a car driving down a long straight road that didn't seem to end, disappearing over the horizon line. A small, purple crescent moon watched over him. It certainly looked peaceful, but also a little boring.

The third involved quite a bit of fighting from what I could see, which I was rather sick of by this point. I quickly discarded it.

The fourth had a human filly sitting in a comfortable looking chair in a small house. He had very dark skin, almost black and a short, curly mane that clung close to her head like moss. She was smiling at a human colt with similarly dark features who was sitting across from her, reading from a book. It seemed a little too personal for me to appear within it, despite how curious I was about human courting rituals.

The fifth had a sinister air to it. A young human with long hair was leaning over a cauldron that was giving off a sickly green glow. A crow, or perhaps a raven, was perched on her shoulder, cackling. I'd seen my fair share of dark magic over the years, and decided to avoid this one like the plague.

Number six was a full blown nightmare, and one of the worst too by the looks of it. A male human was slowly being crushed between two walls, unable escape but still trying anyway. I looked on sadly for a few seconds before sending it away. Simple dreams like that were often related to real life crises, often ones that could not be solved by a simple talking to in a dream. I hated that, but in this world I held nowhere near enough power to act on such vague information.

The seventh was probably the most normal looking of them. Four humans of varying ages sat around a dinner table, eating what looked like salmon. The youngest looked rather familiar, he had a long, dark brown mane and wore torn, black clothing. He looked awkward and out of place, staring down at his plate. The others looked sad, the only female one was actually crying. But the main thing that caught my interest was how vivid it was. There were so many details that other dreams leave out, making it appear actually real. It was almost scary. I wanted to investigate, but decided to look at the final couple of dreams I had selected before doing so.

In comparison to the rest, eight seemed rather boring. It was merely a white space where a single human foal sat, playing with a toy. The toy itself was highly detailed, but everything else seemed rather blurry and indistinct. This was relatively common back in Equestria, a product of an undeveloped mind. I sent it off and moved onto the last.
The ninth and final was rather surreal. A dark skinned male human was standing on top of a huge playground. The playground was more like a labyrinth than a playground though, with slides and ladders and flying foxes and rope bridges all twisting around each other like a bundle of snakes. Every time I looked away from one part, I could never find it again, and tracing a single slide ended up leading my eyes all over the place, as I got distracted by bright colors and moving parts and could never find my place again. Looking at it was starting to make me feel sick.

The only one that had really piqued my curiosity, without making me feel sick at least, was the seventh dream; its incredible vividness was something I had only seen a handful of times before and every time it had been quite interesting. I whisked the remaining dreams back to the tornado and leaped in.

-BLUE SCENE-

I placed my right hand on the knife. It was a simple butter knife, stainless steel, a little brick pattern in the handle but otherwise unadorned. It was so light too. All I could think of when looking at it in my fist was that it was nigh useless as a weapon. I switched hands, shaking off the thought, picked up the fork, and began to eat.

It had been a long time since I'd eaten with cutlery, but I nevertheless handled the implements fine. It still felt horribly awkward at the table, the only sounds my cutlery clinking on the plate and my mother's quiet sobbing. Nobody else was eating.

“Good fish.” I said, but my voice was husky from disuse.

“You've never liked fish.” My brother, Lachlan, replied.

I shrugged. “It's salmon. I like salmon.”

Dad raised an eyebrow. “Since when?”

“Since always.” The sound of voices, talking to me, was music to my ears. “I just hate trout, snapper, cod, both the fish and the game, and basically anything else that lives most of its life immersed in water.” I looked over at my mother, still crying, and decided to make a joke. “Which is going to be all of us if mum doesn't stop crying.”

She sniffled. “Sorry. I just can't believe you're back.”

I grinned. “I was only a month late, jeez. Just missed my bus several hundred times.”

“DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW WORRIED WE WERE?” She suddenly roared, making me jump.

My grin faded. “Of course I do. I'm trying to make it so you stop worrying. I'm home, and I'm not leaving. Well, until I have a decent job that is. And I have to leave to go to school. And uni, once I get there. Assuming I'll get an OP. Which I may not, since I missed a decent chunk of grade ten.”

“Don't worry about it, grade ten is useless anyway.” Lachlan said.

I raised an eyebrow. “Duly noted.”

“Your going to be doing a lot of that in the upcoming years I feel.” he replied, grinning a bit.

“Eh?” I asked, confused.

“Duly noting things? Because senior school? You actually have to do work?” He spelled out for me.

I sighed. “Right. Yeah. That's going to be fun.”

We relapsed into silence for a bit, but this time it was far more bearable.

-INDIGO SCENE-

The humans stopped talking and went back to eating. I had made myself invisible and was currently floating above the table, looking down at them. I started to be overwhelmed by a sense of familiarity after hearing them speak. The accent they spoke in, the way they spoke, even how they moved were all needling at me, but I couldn't quite place my hoof on why.

Suddenly there was a ringing sound, like a doorbell.

The family looked up, the smallest one flipping his knife around and holding it up in front of his face in what looked like an automatic gesture. After a second, the tall one stood up and muttered, “I'll get it” before walking off towards what appeared to be the front door of the house. I couldn't see who was on the other side from this angle, but he looked surprised when he opened the door.

“Hello...” He said uncertainly.

I saw an arm raise up, holding a familiar looking object.

There was a quite coughing sound and a plume of blood sprayed out from the back of the tall human's head. It happened so suddenly and unexpectedly it took several seconds to register.

The first thing I heard after that moment was the mother scream “LACHLAN!”, just before his body hit the floor with a hollow thud.

A tall human, clad in a black skintight body suit and wearing a strange, smooth helmet, stepped inside, took aim with the silenced pistol and fired three more times.

-BLUE SCENE-

Again I was forced to watch as my brother died right before my eyes. Again I had to watch as my parents followed suit, not even having proper last words before their brains became wall paint. And again, I had to feel my instincts cut in at the last second as I smashed the bullet heading for my face with the flat of the butter knife, deflecting it into my shoulder.

With an inhuman cry of pain and anger, I threw the now horribly bent knife with enough force to pierce the assassin's helmet and send his body through the window behind him. The gun clattered to the floor, and suddenly everything was silent except for a series of ragged, gasping breaths that were coming from my mouth.

-INDIGO SCENE-

I stifled a cry as I watched the shots punch through the mother and father, and as the youngest one retaliated in an infinitely more brutal fashion. He dropped to the ground and puked.

I felt rather like doing the same.

He stayed like that for several seconds, before letting out a wracking sob. He stood up straight again, picked up the gun and placed it in his mouth. With tears streaming down his face, he tightened his grip and...

Let his hand drop, like all the life had gone out of him already.

“Fuck you.” He muttered, staring at the assassin's corpse.

He lifted the gun, aimed it at the dead man, and fired. The shot went horribly off course, breaking another window.

“FUCK YOU!” He screamed, snapping completely and emptying the entire magazine. Not a single shot hit. “WHAT THE FUCK?” He yelled, his voice breaking. He threw the gun at the corpse, tearing through its abdomen despite being a blunt object.

With tears still streaming down his face, he stomped on the corpse again, and again, and again, slowly turning it into an unrecognizable pulp. I was morbidly fascinated by the spectacle, and found myself unable to look away. Eventually, he collapsed, and the world faded to white, with only the young human remaining.

I found myself crying. I slowly floated down and made myself corporal again, somehow wanting to comfort this young human. As I watched, the young human became not so young anymore. He stood up, turned to face me and said, “Why the fuck are you here?”

-BLACK SCENE-

I lay there, feeling my body shift back to normal. It was the first time I'd had this dream in months, perhaps even close to a year. I thought I had finally been free of it.

Apparently not.

I'd been having that dream all my life, since as far back as I could remember. Of course, I didn't expect it to come true back then. I hauled myself to my feet with considerable effort and turned around, only to come face to face with someone I was entirely not expecting.

“Why the fuck are you here?” I asked, jolted out of my depression by a naked woman with long, starry hair that looked like the night sky.

She opened her mouth, squeaked and closed it again. She stared directly into my eyes for a second before tackling me into a hug.

I really didn't expect that. What the hell was going on?

“I didn't know I could dream up people to comfort me. That would have been really useful the other hundred times.” I muttered, staring up at the blank white sky.

“You didn't dream me up.” The woman said, he voice cracking slightly.

“That's what they all say.”

“You really don't recognize me?”

“You're the human version of Princess Luna, and it wouldn't be the first time you've been here.” I sighed. “Although being naked is a first. Actually a second I think, there was that one dream... Not that I'm really complaining, but it's been a while since I actually saw someone naked. That's not true, since Shyvanna is a thing, isn't it? Nevermind, you know this already, you're simply a personification of a part of my psyche. Apparently the naked female part with portal hair, which I wasn't aware I had, but whatever.”

She stood up and crossed her arms, looming over me. “What are you babbling on about? I'm the real deal.”

I raised an eyebrow. “Pretty sure you're a pony then. Still naked with the starry hair though, so you were half right. Two thirds? Actually, you usually wear the necklace thing, and a crown, and the hoof shoe thingies. Blegh, whatever.”

“Do I need to prove it?” She asked, frowning.

I waved a hand in dismissal. “Nah, most figments of my imagination don't fight this hard assume their own reality. Congratulations I guess, you're the first sign that I'm going insane.”

“How do you go from pitiful to completely infuriating within the space of seconds?” She asked rhetorically, unfolding her arms and letting them hang by her sides.

“I would not nearly be this casual if I hadn't seen it so many times before. Desensitization. I still hate it, but I recover quickly nowadays. It's just a constant reminder of how suddenly I can lose the things I care about.” I scratched my neck uncomfortably. “I think the fact that it's lost all personal meaning is what scares me the most.”

“So, Edward, can you tell me how in Tartarus I have managed to find your dreams not once, not twice, not even thrice, but four times.”

“Not everything needs a reason, and not everything that has one has one we can comprehend.” I replied philosophically. “Sometimes one must suspend their disbelief to engage in an experience to its full.”

She sighed. “Alright then, second question. What happened to your hair?”

I pulled a strand of hair in front of my eyes and looked at it. It was my normal, dark brown hair. “I have no idea, but what you're seeing is the original me, who I was before I came to Equestria. Most humans have either brown or black hair, although a few have a more yellow color and an even smaller number have red. We are nowhere near as diverse looking as ponies in that respect, so it comes down to subtle features like face and body structure. Thus, my kinky brown hair, as opposed to midnight blue and anime.”

“Anime?”

I flashed a series of scenes from various anime around us. “Japanese animation. Don't worry about it. Human thing.”

Luna cocked her head and studied the clips with interest. “If you have so much control over your dreams, why don't you stop yourself from having that one?”

“I can't.” I said simply. “I'm okay with that though. It brings me down a notch, reminds me of my own vulnerability. Not to mention that of those around me too. Rather funny, considering how I just ended up getting arrested because I couldn't defend myself against two cops. I'm getting sloppy.”

“You got arrested?” Luna asked, her eyes widening in surprise. “For what? How?”

“Attempted rape. I'm sure I'd find that hilarious if I wasn't lying unconscious in the back of a police car right now. I'll probably actually get convicted for possession of illegal firearms and all that. As for how...” I paused my exposition to stand up with a grunt and stretch. “Well, after a drug induced high followed by inter dimensional travel, I wasn't exactly at the top of my game.”

Luna held up a hand. “Wait a second...”

“Yes, I followed you two through the portal. Entirely by accident. Because I was high.” I sighed and turned off gravity, making myself float upwards a bit. “Can't say I'm loving that decision. Should have just let you two teleport into the sun.”

“What?”

“I fixed Honored's rune. Triangulated position so you navigated properly, fixed a couple of other things here and there and generally made it so it wouldn't end reality or whatever.” I did a flip. “Who knows what would have happened if I didn't?”

“I'm sure it would have been fine.” She said defensively. “I trust Honored Service.”

“I wish I did, then I wouldn't have been smashed in the side of the head with a pistol.” I muttered, spinning over Luna's head. “Then again, did get to see human Shyv, which was pretty cute. Dunno which I'd rate higher, but hey, I can figure that out later.”

Luna's eye twitched as she watched me bounce around her. “Can you stop that? It's hard to hold a conversation with someone who's floating above your head.”

“My dream, my rules.” I said, growing a pair of wings and gliding back down in front of her. “But in all seriousness, do not tell anybody about what you've seen. It's an event that has shaped who I am, but it is by no means my only reason to be.” I looked down and said, more to myself than Luna, “Not anymore at least.”

She nodded solemnly, but said nothing.

“Alright then. Now I need to know. What's it like having-”

My eyes snapped open.

“boobs?”

A hand smacked me in the side of the head, making lights dance in front of my eyes.

I looked around. I was seated in the back seat of a car, sitting next to the female police office who I had hit earlier. Stacy? That sounded about right. She was holding her hand up, ready to hit me again.

“Apparently your dreams are as perverse as your habits.” She said, scowling.

“Now that's just unfair.” I grumbled, noting my cuffed hands. “Anyway, right about now is the point where you remind me that anything I say or do can be held against me in court, yes?”

“Right on the money.” Said a male voice that I recognized as the male officer. He was driving, with Shyv in the passenger seat. “Although you're going away for a while for assaulting an officer already, so you might as well just run your mouth as much as you want.

“Is a while less than two days? I kind of have a portal to get back to.”

The car was silent for a few seconds before Jeff said, “You make terrible jokes son.”

“It's not a joke.” Shyv said quietly.

“Don't worry dear, it's just whatever he gave you messing with your mind.” Stacy said. “Just get some rest, we'll have a doctor look after you in a minute.”

“I've told you, I'm fine!” She replied, although she sounded like she hardly believed it herself.

“What's this now?” I asked, still a bit groggy.

“It's pretty obvious that they believe that you have drugged her in an attempt to prevent her from retaliating against your advances.” Melody said acidly from somewhere next to me.

There were simultaneous cries of “Who said that?” and “GlaDOS?"

I groaned. “So like, if my iPod talks, does that count as something that can count against me as evidence in court?”

“What?” Both cops asked in unison.

There was an angry static crackle and Melody grumbled, “You know what? I've decided that you grasp things at light speed in comparison to the rest of your race. No wonder sentient robots in popular media are so often portrayed as having the objective of killing all humans.”

“I totally agree with that evaluation.” I sighed. “Anyway, back to the issue at hand.”

“You have a sentient iPod?” Stacy asked, going from angry to curious.

I stuck out my tongue in distaste. “Yep, it's not as cool as it sounds.”

“For both sides of the relationship may I add.” Melody continued.

Stacy reached into her pocket and pulled Melody out. She was currently representing herself on-screen with the avatar she had used once before. Stacy tapped the bottom button, bringing up the unlock screen.

“Do you mind?” Melody snapped, her voice bit-crunching slightly.

“Can you feel that?” Stacy asked, tapping the screen.

“Of course I can! It's a touch-screen you imbecile.” She growled.

I held up a finger. “Can I just take this moment to remind you that I hate Melody, and would rather not be associated with her in any way. Please do not hold her actions against me.”

“What actions can I take, idiot?” She spat out. “I'm a glorified hunk of metal with a chunk of glass and a winning personality.”

“You can horribly insult me, the cops and possibly provide either fake or real evidence in court.”

“What, you mean like your sexual tastes?”

“Fuck off, you know I'm asexual.”

“Your internet history begs to differ.”

“You also know that I delete that. And then purge it from the memory storage and overwrite where it originally was. Because I'm cool like that. And I use a browser that goes through several different proxies, so it isn't even my IP that's stored either.”

She snorted. “You realize I am the machine you're working with right?”

I frowned. “Yes, and that's why I'm calling your bluff. Even you cannot access something that's been that thoroughly erased.”

Melody sighed. “Alright, you got me there. You are pretty good at covering your tracks.”

“Damn fucking straight I am.” I said proudly.

“You realize that your proficiency in that area can be used as evidence against you, right?” Jeff laughed.

“Yes, because carrying around a modified firearm, several large knives and god knows what else can't.” I replied sarcastically.

Jeff laughed again, more nastily this time. “I hope you go away for a long time. You need the attitude change.”

“Did it ever occur to you that the reason I have said attitude is because I am entirely unafraid of 'going away for a long time' as you put it?” I tried to cross my arms and failed because of the handcuffs. I settled for flipping off the back of Jeff's head, which earned me another hit from Stacy. “Can you stop hitting me?”

“Can you stop being a piece of shit?” She muttered.

“Technically, he's a human. Not a piece of shit.” Melody piped up.

“Amen.” I muttered.

“So he basically equates to lower than a piece of shit, because at least excrement serves a valuable purpose in the continued survival of life on this planet.”

“And there it fucking is.” I sighed. “Can't just say something in my defense and be done with it, can you?”

“I didn't say it in your defense, I said it to point out the stupidity of the monkey currently holding me.” She replied.

“A monkey? That's the best you can come up with?” Stacy asked rhetorically.

“You're right, that's offense to monkeys.” Melody conceded. “How about goldfish? Your mouth seems to gape in a rather similar manner.”

“Not exactly original, are you?” I laughed.

“I don't need to be, only truthful.”

“Well, that's a lie.”

“Doesn't really matter, does it?”

I shrugged. “Mmm, guess not.”

“Hate to break up your lovely little conversation back there.” Jeff interrupted. “But we're here.”

I looked out the window at the police station, gray and ominous in the early morning light, and found myself remembering my dream.

Perhaps I wasn't as confident about my chances as I appeared.

Author's Note

So uh. I wrote a chapter with exactly 6900 words. By accident. It was this. Shame the author's notes count towards the word count.

Anyway, on a more serious note, there's a bit of backstory to the whole dream thing. Basically, I, as in the real me, has had that reoccurring dream throughout my entire life. Edward the character wasn't actually planned to be an orphan until recently, because it's an annoying cliche that I tend to not like, until I realized the sheer amount of things I could extend off it and how well it fitted in with his backstory's general tone as opposed to the main story. Anyway, that's just in case you care.

49: Slam the slammer right in the face.

Honor the Dead
by BinaryTroll
Pre-read/Edited by Honored Service
Chapter 49:“Slam the slammer right in the face.”

Holding cells are boring. This is a true, science fact, proven by yours truly in several double blind studies. That's a lie, since I was both the only test subject and the only observer, so this is 100% my bias. Whatever.

You sit in an empty room with an uncomfortable bench and nothing to do. That is literally it. If you can make that interesting, I feel sorry that you ever have to. They don't even have enough space for a proper bed.

It was almost nostalgic, and not in a good way. It reminded me of two things that I hated: The cell that I was kept in after I was kidnapped and sitting in the jeep as we drove across seemingly endless plains. It was the worst of both worlds.

I stood up and started pacing in an attempt to let off energy. It worked for all of ten seconds.

I sat down again and sighed. “Fucking hell.”

Time passed. It felt like hours but it was probably only ten minutes or so. The door opened and admitted Stacy, who had a massive black eye.
“Come on, Shyvanna wants to talk to you.” She wrinkled her nose. “God knows why, but we haven't been able to get anything out of her except gobbledygook. Whatever you gave her messed her up bad.” Her hand twitched. “I hope you're proud of yourself.”

I stood up and followed her outside. The police station was pretty small: just four holding cells, a reception, and a few other rooms that I couldn't see inside of. Stacy led me inside a small room with a table and chairs. Jeff stood in the corner, arms folded.

Shyvanna looked up from the table as we walked in and said “Hello.”

I sat down opposite her and rubbed my handcuffs. “Hey, how're you doing?”

She was wearing a simple shirt and leggings. “I'm not really sure. These two humans have explained that you were arrested, and they gave me clothes. Asides from that, I have no idea what's going on.”

“Alright then.” I ran my hand through my hair and groaned. “Re-cap, what has happened so far?”

“From when?” She asked.

“Since just before you became human.”

Jeff raised an eyebrow at that.

She gave me an abridged version of what had happened since we came through the portal. “And then I was put in here. Neither of the officers believed me, so I just kept asking to speak to you. Eventually they gave in.”

I tapped my chin slowly. “Okay. That's all correct. I've been arrested, primarily for the possession of illegal weaponry, since it's pretty obvious that I wasn't trying to rape you now.” I sighed. “Kinda wish I made it look like I was taking you hostage so I wouldn't have to deal with this crap. Hindsight is twenty/twenty I guess.”

She hummed in agreement. “So what happens now?”

“I try and find a way of sorting out this mess.” I said, shrugging. “Failing that, I break the door down and run off.”

I swear Jeff's eyebrows were attempting to escape into orbit.

“So what do I do?” Shyv asked. “The officers have told me that they can take me home, but I don't really think they can take me back to Equestria.”

“Yeah, they're still operating under the assumption that nothing supernatural is going on here.” I replied. “For now, take Melody and tell her to send an email to Dan with my location. He should be able to take you somewhere safe.” I looked over at Stacy. “Can you give my iPod to Shyv? Feel free to run drug tests or whatever, you won't find anything. Weird as it sounds, all that insane sounding crap is one hundred percent true. Also, I need to call my lawyer so we can get this shit sorted.”

“You are the single most perplexing person I've ever had the misfortune to meet.” She muttered.

I stood up as Stacy left the room with a snort of disgust and tried to smile reassuringly. “Just follow these two and you should be fine.”

“I hate the word 'should'.” Shyv grumbled.

So do I. “Well, I hate being stuck in a cell. You should have it a lot better than I do. Be happy for even the chance at that.”

“You're right.” She looked down at her feet. “Sorry.”

I turned towards the door and, accompanied by Jeff, left the room without another word. I was sure she could handle herself fine, human body or no.

Jeff escorted me to a rather old looking phone, with a cord no less, and said, “You have ten minutes.”

I sighed and picked up the phone, banging my cuffs loudly against the wall as I did so. “You know, this would be a lot easier without these lovely metal bracelets.” I commented, looking pointedly at Jeff.

He stared at me flatly.

I rolled my eyes and punched in a number. After a few rings, I was greeted with the lovely sound of Cameron's voice.

“Hello, you've reached Cameron of Bonfire Shipping. How may I help you today?”

I smiled slightly at the name of our fake company. “Hey Cam, it's been awhile.”

“Edward?” He asked, sounding rather confused. “What the hell?”

“Yeah, it's me. I have a bit of a problem. Namely, I'm calling from a police station.”

He groaned. “You got caught again. Where are you? And speaking of where, where the fuck have you been?”

“Didn't Dan tell you? Joel and I went of on an adventure to the magical land of Equestria.” I said lightly.

He laughed in a manner so fake it made me wince. “That's really not funny. You've been missing for over half a year.”

“Over half a year?” I asked. “It's only been like, two or three months.”

“Take that number and multiply it by three. You'll be a bit closer.” He sighed. “Whatever, we can talk about later. For right now, where are you?”

I hummed. “I'm not really sure. A police station somewhere in Brisbane. Near Tarragindi? Pretty small place.”

“Brisbane?” He choked out. “You're in Australia?”

“Uh, yeah. Don't ask how, it's a long story I barely understand.”

I heard him tapping his fingers on something in agitation. “Okay. Alright. I dunno what I can do from over here.”

“Getting me a decent lawyer would be great.” I laughed. “Good luck with that. A gunship also works.”

“You know we don't own one. Storing Dan's plane is enough as is.” He muttered something under his breath before continuing. “Do you have any idea how much it costs to maintain one of those damn things? Let alone two.”

“Yeah yeah, spare me the lecture.” I said, cutting him off. “I only have ten minutes to sort this out.”

“Closer to eight now.” Jeff interjected.

“Eight, whatever.” I waved a hand in his general direction and ended up smacking myself in the face with the other. “Did I mention these cuffs are annoying?”

“Alright. Dan might be able to do something, although he's out right now.” Cameron mused.

“I got Shyv to send him an email, so hopefully he gets that. Thing is, he's probably going to have his hands full, so is there anything else?”

Cam sighed. “Well, if you were here I'd just bribe the cops and let you out the easy way, but I doubt that's going to work.”

“Huzzah for having a decent justice system.” I said dryly.

“Hey, it's the people, not the laws.” He replied defensively.

I sighed. “Doesn't matter, I'm not getting out that way.”

“I got nothing then.” He muttered dejectedly.

“So basically, I have no lawyer, no way of bribing or otherwise cheating my way out, and three days to get Shyv back through the portal, and Joel on this side if possible as well.”

“Portal?”

“As I said, long fucking story.” I sighed in frustration. “I miss technicolor ponies, at least they didn't have guns.”

“Basically, yes. I'm sorry, but I'm too far away to really do anything.”

“Fucking fantastic.” I growled, gritting my teeth and knuckling my forehead. “I guess I'll just have to rely on Dan to come up with something.”

“So you're screwed?” Cameron asked rhetorically.

I grimaced. “Yup.”

With yet another sigh, I slammed the phone back in its slot.

“Well that was productive.” I said to myself. “I'm ready to fucking die now.”

“In case you forgot, this is Australia. We don't apply the death sentence.” Jeff replied flatly.

“Yes.” I began, a crazy grin breaking out on my face. “That is indeed where we are. Thank you for your help.” My eyesight started to go fuzzy. “THAT INFORMATION IS SO FUCKING USEFUL!” I screamed at him.

I lashed out with both hands, wrapping the chain around his throat and pinning him to the wall.

I put my face right next to his and whispered very quietly, “Now if you don't mind, I'm going to leave.”

A few more seconds without air knocked him out cold. I carefully unwrapped the hand cuffs and placed his body between me and the door, just as Stacy burst in, gun drawn.

“Don't shoot.” I said slowly, rifling through Jeff's pockets in search of keys. “I got things to do. So I'd rather you don't try to stop me. But I guess that is in your job description.” I found the keys and unlocked the cuffs.

Stacy looked rather stunned. “How did you-”

I waved a hand. “Pissing me off is a bad idea. That's all you need to know.” I hauled Jeff up and held him like a shield. “Put the gun on the ground and put your cuffs on.”

She slowly placed her pistol on the ground and kicked it away. I inched forward and grabbed it with my spare hand. Stacy knelt down, placed her cuffs over her wrists and snapped them shut. I dropped Jeff and sighed. My heart was beating at about a million beats per second. I took a few deep breaths to calm down and walked over to check Stacy's cuffs.

In an instant, she was on her feet and lashing out with a kick. It caught me in the chest, sending me flying backwards. I threw my hands out over my head and turned it into a backwards handspring. “Christ, that was a good hit.” I said appreciatively, one hand instinctively going to the place struck. “I think you almost broke a rib.”

She unclipped the unlocked cuffs and let them drop to the floor with a clang. “How the hell did you recover from that?” She asked, entering a boxing stance and bouncing lightly on her toes.

I shrugged and pointed the gun at her. “I do things like that. Now, for real this time. Cuff yourself and let me go.”

She grinned and sprinted forward. I pulled the trigger. It clicked.

“You don't load your fucking guns?” I asked in amazement, just before Stacy threw a fist at my face. I narrowly blocked and jumped backwards just in time to dodge the follow up kick.

I was ready for the next one, this time using my short stature to duck underneath and move forwards to launch a quick knee into her gut. She doubled over in pain, allowing my hand to shoot forward and wrap around her throat. I used the momentum of my arm rushing out to follow up with the rest of my body, lifting her off her feet. She didn't stay there for long, as I stepped forward and slammed her back into the floor, where she lay, gasping for breath. I quickly grabbed cuffs and secured her hands behind her back, making sure they were properly locked this time.

I stepped back and took a deep breath. “Why do you insist on making my life difficult?”

“You know, I've watched a lot of movies.” Stacy said in an oddly conversational tone. “The first ones to die when some supernatural being shows up in the city are the cops.”

I raised an eyebrow.

“So I only have one thing to say: Don't underestimate the police force you piece of shit.” She spat.

I cocked my head and stared at her. There was a snapping sound from behind me and I ducked as a taser line flew over my head. I looked back at Jeff, who was pulling out a radio and calling for the SERT, aka the Special Emergency Response Team. I dived for him and grabbed his gun out of the holster before he could, knocking the taser out of his hand in the process. “God fucking damn it Jeff!” I yelled, pointing the gun at his head. “Drop the damn radio!”

I heard an “Affirmative” just before it hit the ground.

Jeff raised his hands and I slapped his cuffs on them, checking the locks. That done, I ran outside and found Shyv, who was holding Melody.

“Hey, change of plans! We're leaving!” I said frantically. “Start running. I'll find you after I grab my weapons.”

“What? What happened?”

“Explain later, run now!” I pushed her away and ran back inside. The weapons would probably be in the evidence room or equivalent. I waved the gun in the two cops general direction, who had both stood up and were trying to unlock their cuffs. “Stay down!”

There was only one door, besides the holding cells, that I hadn't been through, so I put the gun to the lock and shot it open. Right in front of me, arranged neatly on a small white table, were my weapons. Well, most of them.

My coat was encased in a long plastic bag and hung up on the far wall, next to a small bag containing my ballistic knife. The contents of the pockets were next it. I grabbed the combat knife from the table and cut the bag open. After grabbing my beautiful coat and pulling it on, I stuffed all the other bags in my pockets and sheathed the combat knife under my arm. With a contented sigh, I slung my FAMAS onto my back and reverently picked up the sister knives, spinning them around my fingers.

“It's good to be back.” I said with a grin, grabbing the hilts of both knives and sprinting out of the room. I blew past the pair of cops again, shouting; “it's a good thing I'm in a hurry, or you'd both end up dead!”

I didn't hear the reply for the wind whistling in my ears.

I took off in the direction I had told Shyvanna to go, knives still clutched in my hands. I part of my mind noted that I probably looked quite mad, running around in a coat from a video game, holding two massive knives with reference to a show about fun loving ponies painted on them, all the while grinning from ear to ear.

Then again, that was nothing new.

I caught up to Shyvanna in no time, namely because she wasn't running. Turning side on to stop myself faster, I skidded to a halt just in front of her.

“Uh, remember running? We kinda need to do that.” I said, beckoning her with a hand.

“Maybe you forgot, but I got this body a few fucking hours ago!” She retorted, Melody still clutched in her hand. “I only just got the hang of walking on two legs.”

“You can swear like a human.” I grumbled. “But you can't run like one. Whatever. Give me back Melody for a sec, I'm going to grab a car.”

She handed me Melody, who was blissfully silent. “What do I do?”

I looked around quickly. “Hide, those bushes should suffice. It wont take me long.” I pocketed Melody before running back to the police station.

There was a patrol car in the driveway, which I smashed the window of using Celestia's D-guard. As the alarm blared, I sheathed the knives and drew out Melody.

“Hope you know how to hotwire a car, cause I'm a little rusty.” I said, opening the door and getting into the driver's seat.

“Why would you assume I could?” She asked, annoyed.

I used the combat knife to lever open some bits and pieces on the dashboard. “Because you do that sort of thing. Can you or can't you?”

“Well, I can...”

“I'm sensing a 'but'.” I sighed, looking at the wires I had exposed.

“It means I have to take direct control of the vehicle.”

I placed her on the dash. “Go for it, just don't get me killed.”

“Alright, I need you to slice the back of my case in half.” She said, all business. “Be careful not to damage anything though.”

I drew out Luna, because she was the sharpest of my knives, and carefully cut the plastic right down the middle. “How's that?”

“It'll do. Place me on the dash, face down.”

I did so.

And shit got real.

The casing opened up, as though on hinges, and a bunch of wires whipped out, embedding themselves in the electronics I had exposed. They tightened and drew Melody upright, as a diagram of the car's systems flashed up on her screen. Indigo light flooded through all the other lights, eventually spilling out and running outward from Melody in a circuit like pattern. The engine started, and Melody's avatar appeared.

“All systems nominal. We are ready to ride.” The avatar flicked her hair. “Impressed?”

One wonders how an ear to ear grin can widen further. “This is incredible! How did you do this?”

“To put it as simple as possible so you might glean an inkling of understanding: magic.”

I rolled my eyes. “Come on then, let's go get Shyv.” The car rumbled and reversed suddenly, making me almost hit my head on the wheel. “And remember you have human passengers who actually feel pain please.”

It didn't take long to find Shyvanna, who was hiding as I had told her to.

“Do cars always do this?” She asked, warily eyeing the blue circuit-like lights that were slowly creeping along as she sat down in the passenger seat.

“Just Melody infused ones.” I replied, sitting down in the driver's seat next to her. “Oh, and any time you want to get the fuck outta dodge Melody, that'd be great.”

“Not with that attitude.”

I dragged my nails down my face, leaving several red scrapes. “Either that, or I wreck this car and leave you offline.”

The clutch vaporised into a cyan, glowing mist, along with the pedals and wheel. “Well we can't have that, can we?”

I rolled my eyes and started fiddling with the radio, tuning into the local police channel. “Can we go now?”

“Don't forget your seatbelts!” She said gleefully as the seatbelts shot out, quickly and effectively restraining both me and Shyvanna. “Because we're going super sonic!”

“Beg your pardon?”

Sometimes, you have those moments of total clarity, where you come to a realization about yourself, followed by the certainty of your own demise.

Yeah, this was one of those.

“WHAT THE FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-”

Back in Equestria

Sometimes, you have those moments of total clarity, where you come to a realization about yourself, followed by the certainty of your own demise.

Yeah, this was one of those.

Celestia slammed down into the clearing, her face like thunder.

“HONORED SERVICE YOU PIECE OF SHIT!”

Her voice was like thunder too...

I cowered with Vi in the bushes, deciding the best course of action was probably not to talk to the immortal superbeing who currently looked like they wanted an excuse to vaporize someone.

“I'm going to turn invisible now.” I whispered to Vi, moving as little as possible so as to not attract any attention. “Since I don't really want to get killed.”

“I one-hundred percent agree.” She replied, turning into a small, rodent-like animal with a quick burst of green flame.

I calmed myself and emptied all thoughts and distractions from my head; not an easy thing to do when what practically amounts to a god is screaming their lungs out in anger only a few meters away. Nevertheless, I managed to do so. Somehow.

I slowly creeped into the forest, wincing every time I broke a stick underfoot, or brushed past some leaves. Fortunately for me, Celestia was far too busy burning down the forest behind us to really notice. Once I reached a distance the I deemed sufficiently far, I broke out into a sprint, dropping the invisibility in favor of wonderful strobing lights.

After blasting through the forest at top speed for a full minute, I finally slowed myself to a halt, resting my hands on my knees and gasping for breath.

About a second later, something black, green and very, very fast crashed through the tree beside me, turning it into a hail of splinters.

Vi picked herself up, buzzed her wings twice and grinned at me. “Sorry about that.”

“Since when could you turn yourself into a cannon ball?” I asked, shivering at the sight of the destroyed tree.

“Since always. It's another form of changeling magic that all grunts learn at some point. Heir to the throne or not, I was a combatant and thus expected to throw myself into the fray like everypony else. Very useful for traveling quickly as well.” She rubbed the back of her neck and then stared at her hoof.

I cocked my head curiously. “So why don't you use it more often?”

She held up her hoof, showing me a small pile of shattered chitin and wood splinters. “Because it hurts. A lot. I haven't been feeling up to it lately either.”

I picked up one of the splinters and poked the end. It instantly drew blood. “Ouch.”

“Speaking of pain...” She grumbled, tossing away the rest of detritus. “Can you stop with the rainbow flashing? It's hurts to look at.”

I took in a deep breath and purged everything from my mind. The strobing stopped.

Vi sighed appreciatively. “Thank you.”

“So what did you mean by 'not feeling up to it lately'?” I asked, leaning against the nearest intact tree. “You haven't seemed overly different as far as I can tell.”

“Well, I am hypersensitive to the emotional states of those around me, so I'm pretty good at disguising how I feel.”

I raised an eyebrow. “Even physically? You did say emotional states.”

“Which are primarily conveyed through physical actions, are they not?”

“Ugh.” I groaned. “Remind me to never be a changeling.”

“Never be a changeling.” Vi said flatly.

“Thank you. But back to my original question...”

“Pretty simple answer. I wasn't feeling up to throwing myself at things at unnecessarily high speeds.”

“Why?”

“Common sense maybe?” She replied flatly.

“The way you said it implied that you were once 'up to it'.” I pointed out.

She sighed and sat down beside me. “Alright. My magic's been dying.”

I looked at her in concern. “Dying?”

She scrunched up her face, thinking. “Maybe dying isn't the most appropriate term. Weakening? Nah, that's not really right either. It's as strong as ever.”

“Then what exactly is the problem?” I asked, confused.

Vi rubbed her hoof on her face in a manner that would be similar to a human knuckling their forehead.“It's becoming more difficult to use?”

I crossed my arms. “Are you asking me or telling me?”

After a brief pause, she buzzed her wings and replied, “It's hard to explain, especially to someone who cannot use magic.”

Considering recent events I'm not sure if that's entirely true of me. “Try anyway.”

“Basically, my own reserves of magic seem to be harder to access. The closest I can think of to what it's like is the feeling of eating just after you've thrown up. Well, the other way round; outputing instead of inputing, but whatever.”

“Right...” I sighed in frustration. “So is there any particular reason why it's like this?”

The pause before her reply was just a bit too long. “Not that I know of.”

“So is there any particular reason why you're lying?”

She frowned. “Why do you think I'm lying?”

“Call it a hunch.”

She deliberated for a few seconds. “Fine. I have a few ideas as to why. Number one, my current diet. I've never eaten like this before.”

“Subsisting mostly, if not entirely off friends?”

She nodded. “Very few changelings have friends in other races. To my knowledge I'm one of the few who's ever done so. Moving on, my second idea is some sort of problem with my horn or other magical organs. I mean, I have been thrown about quite a bit in the last few months.”

“Seems unlikely though.” I said, scratching my chin. “Shyv has been just as much, if not possibly more. Even if she is more robust than you, I doubt she would not be having problems with something similar.”

“She seems relatively new to actual caster magic though, so she might not think much of it. Despite that, I agree. The symptoms are not similar to those who have a damaged horn from what I've heard.”

I stood up straight and gestured for Vi to stand up with me. “I'll check if you want.”

She raised an eyebrow at that, but stood up all the same. “Better safe than sorry I guess.”

I ran my fingers over the flat sides and around the base. It felt solid, and made my hands tingle slightly. The point was very sharp, as were the edges. There were no chips or any other signs of damage, although Vi winced several times when I prodded it particularly hard. “Does that hurt?”

“A little. It's a very sensitive area. Which is why generally used in intercourse.”

She laughed mischievously as I practically jumped backwards. “Beg your pardon?

“I'm joking. Mostly.” She gave me a fanged grin. “Has anybody ever told you have magic hands?”

I shuddered. “Moving swiftly on. Did you have any other theories?”

“I do. But first, I have question to ask.”

I cocked my head in interest. “Shoot.”

“What do you think of your suit?”

Huh? “Where did that come from?”

“My mouth.” She deadpanned.

“In all seriousness though, why are you asking that now of all times?”

“Well, it's been doing a bunch of strange things lately, hasn't it? And I never really asked you what you thought of it when I got it for you...”

“Have I even thanked you?” I asked, searching my memory.

She shrugged. “Don't remember.”

“Well, just in case I haven't, thank you. To answer your question, it's wonderful. I didn't really think it'd be practical running around in a suit, no matter how much I've always wanted to. But whatever this is made out of is incredibly flexible, and all the usual shortcomings that would normally come from wearing something like this are almost irrelevant or neutralized somewhat by one of its other functions.” I tapped a finger on my chin in thought. “For example, it's pretty flashy, but for some reason it allows me to turn invisible. So whatever. Do you have any idea why it's capable of doing that?”

She sniffed. “Maybe. I'm glad you like it though.”

I grinned. “How could I not?”

“Well, I know I have impeccable taste, but one must cover all their bases.” She said pompously, placing a hoof on her chest.

“Whoops, remind me to never stroke your ego ever again.” I said, rolling my eyes. “Come on then, let's find our way home.”

“We don't really have one.”

“That's a depressing thought. Although technically not true.”

“What do you mean?”

I swept my hands in a wide, arcing gesture. “You are the queen of an entire hive. For all of twenty seconds, sure, but you know.”

Vi frowned for several seconds, before exhaling loudly and saying, “You're right. I need to get back to my changelings. It's been fun adventuring and whatnot, but I can't run from responsibility forever.”

I shrugged. “You can, it's just not usually the best idea.”

“Don't take things so literally.”

Waving my hand dismissively, I began to walk, picking a random direction. “So are you going to ditch me in this forest, with no idea how to get home?”

Vi trotted up and fell into step beside me. “Of course not. You're still important to me, if only as a food source.”

“Well, paradoxically, treating me as a food source would prevent me from being one.” I pointed out.

“Depends how you treat your food sources. I like to treat mine quite... well.” She replied, making what I was about thirty percent sure was an innuendo.

“Was the pause really necessary?”

“Absolutely.” She said, a sensual grin confirming my previous suspicions.

I decided to not pursue that particular conversation any further.

“In regards to your subjects, how do you think they'll treat you after you get back? I mean, you were practically unanimously voted as queen and then you just up and leave on them to run off with some humans or whatever.” I said, intentionally making the question seem hostile.

“That's one way of looking at it.” Vi said surprisingly calmly. “But the original reason I left was so I could make sensible judgments based on what I've actually seen of the world. A scouting mission, but much more effective because I'm seeing it with my own eyes.”

“What about your friend who's currently in charge?” I asked. “Cae was it?”

“Yes, what about her?”

“Aren't you worried she'll screw up?”

“I'm more worried that she won't, and they'll be no reason for me to even be there any more. Either way, she can teach me.” Vi buzzed her wings proudly. “It's division of labor, and I need to secure my kingdom's future first before I can start running it proper.”

“Hmph.” I grunted in appreciation of her plan. “Wardo was right. You will make a good queen.”

“I hope so, or you two ransacking the hive was for naught.” She grumbled.

“I wouldn't exactly say we ransacked it.” I argued weakly. “We only killed two people. Changelings, whatever.”

“What would a ransacking constitute to you then?”

“Depends. Did I take Wards along?”

Vi shrugged. “Sure, why not?”

“At least three buildings on fire, one burnt to the ground, anything that isn't tied down looted and corpses as far as the eye can see.” I said nostalgically. “Corpses burning optional.”

“Well. That was morbid.” She said sadly.

“Yeah. He tends to leave a trail of destruction in his wake.” I sighed. “The guy doesn't really care for mercy. Or you know, general respect for human life.”

“Any reason you think he's like that?”

I flipped out one of my Glocks and spun it on my finger nervously. “He was always a bit cold, but after he got all the modifications and... other things happened, he could kill without hesitation, and even enjoyed it. Got some interesting world views too.”

“What do you mean?”

I gripped Glock and aimed it. The safety was on, but it still felt reassuring to have a weapon in hand. “First, a bit of back story. Earth, our home, is overpopulated. Too many people, not enough resources. To be more accurate, not enough resources for the greedy. So Edward just decided that human life is worthless. Or more, worth more when dead than living.”

“That's depressing.”

I scratched my temple with the the muzzle of my gun. “That's who he is.”

“What about you then? How'd you end up where you are today?” Vi asked after a brief pause.

Quite the question. “Long story, lots of stupid coincidences.”

Vi looked up to the sun, barely visible through the leaves. “Well, we got a few days to kill before the wrecking crew come back. Let's go find somewhere comfortable and you can tell me all about it.”

“The wrecking crew?”

“The stupidly powerful ones who have no idea what restraint means.”

I sighed good naturedly. “That's Wards and Shyv alright.”

Author's Note

It was about time I did this.

Name: M3LOD (Melody)
Mental condition: Shut up
Physical condition: I should be pristine. I'm not.
Clothing: I NEED NO CLOTHES. Although I would quite like a nice case.
Weapons: Things your puny brain cannot comprehend
Other: See above

Strength: Please
Perception: 10
Endurance: Please
Charisma: 10 (The best)
Intelligence: You insult mine by giving it a numerical value
Agility: Please
Luck: Who needs luck when you have skill?

50: Doc! C'mon man.

Honor the Dead
by BinaryTroll
Pre-read/Edited by Honored Service
Chapter 50:“Doc! Cmon man.”

Once we stopped after what I was pretty sure was practically suicidal deceleration and an airbag to the face that really didn't feel like it helped, Melody released us and I stumbled out of the car, dry heaving a couple of times before collapsing onto my face.

“Never... again.” I managed to choke out, rolling over onto my back.

Shyvanna groaned and muttered something unintelligible.

I thought about asking what she said, but the words didn't make it from my brain to my mouth. Instead, I groaned something that was probably a curse and shifted my arm a bit.

With considerable difficulty, I ran a quick check over my entire body.

Yup, everything hurts.

No bones were probably broken, mine were far too strong for that, although I may have ended up with internal bleeding. I couldn't really tell. I hope I didn't end up with brain damage.

I was going to tazer that piece of shit iPod.

Well, no use laying about hurting. I had things to do.

Like buy a tazer.

Ignoring the pain in my chest as much as I could, I sat up and used the door handle to pull myself to my feet. From there, I leaned inside the car and glared daggers at Melody. “You little shit. You could have gotten us all killed.”

“Come on, plenty of humans have withstood faster than sound travel.” She argued. “Not to mention both you and Shyvanna are far more durable than the average human. And that's not even taking into account that acceleration is the primary damaging factor, not speed. Regardless, it was convenient.”

“Convenient?” I asked incredulously. “Where the fuck are we? I just wanted to avoid the cops. Not travel to the ends of the fucking earth.”

“Ends of the earth? We only traveled about two-point-two-six-nine-four-oh-five kilometers.” Melody replied, as though speaking to a young child. “Your tendency to exaggerate distances is rather obnoxious. Anyway, I know you still operate on a stone age mentality, but the earth is in fact round, thus not having an 'end' in the conventional sense.”

“Perhaps, although you could classify the 'ends of the earth' as the upper reaches of the atmosphere, thus the point where you have left earth and entered space.” I argued back.

“That is not a sufficiently deterministic point to measure from.”

“Do you even know what the word deterministic means?”

“Of course I do, I have the knowledge of the entire human race at my disposal.”

I nodded slowly with a sarcastic smile. “Sure man. Sure. That is quite literally impossible as every thought is not recorded, thus a young child in a country without access to a computer would never be able to record a passing thought they had, which means that it is impossible for you to have access to it.”

“I speak in a manner that you understand, lest any communication on my part would be worthless.” She replied acidly, but I swear I could pick up the slightest grain of respect in her voice.

Or maybe I was just going bonkers. Yeah, it's probably that. “Don't underestimate me. I speak fluent computer jargon!”

Can you hear someone roll their eyes? “I'm sure.”

“That was a joke by the way. Don't start speaking in C-sharp.”

“Well, considering I run iOS, I would speak a combination of C, C Plus Plus, Objective-C and Swift.” Melody replied. “C-sharp would be like you speaking Japanese.”

“Japanese?” I asked curiously. “Most people would say Chinese.”

“I've read your cookie cache.” She said simply.

Man, I must watch a lot of anime. “Whatever. Can you run medical diagnostics and stuff? I think I might have internal damage. Or even if I don't, Shyv might be hurt.”

“Not with what I have here.” She grumbled. “I need access to some medical equipment, such as a x-ray machine, before I can do anything useful on that front. I'm not magic you know.”

I coughed, which hurt like hell, and gestured to the car she was currently possessing. “Sure. Not magic at all.”

She sighed. “Yes, I'm run by magic, but no, I cannot use it outside of my current limits. Even though I'm far more powerful than an object animated by regular magic, as opposed to alicorn level, I'm by no means a magic user. Or so I have theorized. I cannot know for certain.”

I was tempted to reply, but I was starting to get really worried about Shyvanna. She hadn't moved or made a sound since I had gotten out of the car.

Flopped out of the car.

Whatever.

I grabbed Melody, who let out a vaguely annoyed “hey!”, before I limped my way around to the other side of the car. Shyv was slumped against the door, still breathing but otherwise unmoving.

Well, at least she's still alive. That being said, she might not stay that way. I opened the door, quickly moving to catch her and slowly lower her to the ground. A quick check revealed nothing was broken. Severely at least. She wasn't bleeding either, which was good. Hopefully.

“Hey Melody. Look up what happens when humans are exposed to the sort of acceleration we just did.”

“When only talking about g-forces, you would have likely been able to withstand a good one and a half times what you just endured without any serious repercussions, but there are other factors involved.” Melody replied almost instantly. “I cannot say for sure, but Shyvanna will likely recover momentarily. My recommendation is you check her breathing, pulse, etc. and lay her on her side.”

“Sound advice.” I said, rolling her over and checking her pulse at her neck, then wrist. It was steady, if not overly strong. I placed a hand on her abdomen and felt it expand and contract. Once again, alright. Her breathing was loud, a little irregular, but not labored or wheezing. “I'm no physician, but she seems alright. Either way, I think we should find a hospital.”

“I would not recommend that at this point in time. The police are still after us, and we would end up sitting ducks.” Melody said. “Which, however much the image of you being roasted for Christmas dinner amuses me, would be rather inconvenient.”

I marveled at the fact Melody actually cared enough to try to protect us, whilst simultaneously being such a fucking bitch. “Fair point. Lets go find somewhere shady and contact a underground doctor. Hopefully there's someone decent around.”

Shyvanna stirred, muttering something about pineapples and fish. I poked her lightly in the center of her forehead, making her sleepily attempt to swat my hand away.

“Looks like she's waking up.” I said, standing up and taking a step back.

“Thank you.” Melody began sarcastically. “I've always needed the obvious spe-”

She was cut off by Shyvanna sneezing, expelling a large gout of flame and sitting bolt upright. She winced in pain and clutched her breasts and stomach. “Ow. What happened?”

Of course. She's practically fine and in barely any pain at all. “You likely blacked out from blood rushing to your head after we accelerated faster than the speed of sound in a very short timeframe.”

“What?”

I sighed. “Shit happened and you fainted.”

She blinked. “Right. Sorry, it's been a strange day.”

I looked up at the sky, the clouds lazily drifting along, stained purple by the rising sun. “That it has. You alright?”

Shyv unsteadily got to her feet before poking herself a couple of times. “I think so. These breast things hurt, but I'm starting to get the idea that's part and parcel for the damn things. Asides from that, I have a headache and I feel like somepony bucked me in the stomach.”

“Nothing sharp or bones that feel broken?” I asked. “You might have ended up with internal damage to your organs.”

“Lower abdomen, liver is one of the main ones for this kind of blunt trauma.” Melody added.

Shyv shook her head. “I could do with a lie down and a topaz, but asides from that I should be fine in a minute. What about you?”

I took a moment. Most of the general pain had died down, but my chest was still hurting. Like something had stabbed me. I frowned. “I think I'll be fine, but we should both get checked up. Tell me if you piss blood or something.”

“Um, alright.” She said uncertainly.

“Moving on, Melody, where in smegging hell are we?” I asked, looking at the now smoking wreck of a car. We looked like we were near some sort of shopping center. I could see the Woolworths green-apple-thing logo.

“125 Beaudesert road, Moorooka, Brisbane, Queensland, Australia, Earth, Solar System, Orion Arm, Milky wa-”

“You can shut up now.” I said, cutting her off.

“You are correct. I am capable of 'shutting up' as you so callously put it, I simply choose not to.” She continued, not pausing for breath. Which made sense, being an AI and all.

I ignored her and looked around. It was still relatively early, the sun had only barely come up, so I placed the time at around five or so. Which meant there were people about, who I only just noticed. Not many mind you, maybe three or four in sight? A few were looking on curiously at the anime reject and the girl who looked like she had recently escaped prison standing around next to a broken and battered car, but none stuck around for long or offered to help. Typical humans.

There's you speaking like you aren't one again.

There's me speaking like I'm not me again.

I mean, it's not like I'm really surprised nobody offered to help. This wasn't the friendliest of neighborhoods if I remember correctly; I was constantly afraid of getting stabbed here when I was younger. “Well then. Welcome to Moorooka. Aka Little Africa.”

And the reason I thought I would get stabbed was because of the low socio-economic status of the area. Much the same reason as the adjacent suburb, which was not known as Little Africa. I guess it was a problem in it's own right that one of the few more ethnically diverse environments was also one of the poorest. But I'm an assassin. Not tumblr.

“Little Africa?” Shyv asked, peering about again.

I sniffed sullenly and nodded. “Smells like diesel and cigarettes, just like I remember. Also, I'm the only one who actually calls it 'Little Africa' in my experience, but I'm also one of very few people who care very little about offending others who also refer to it.”

“Um, alright.”

I placed my hand on my forehead and tapped a rhythm out with my fingers while I tried to remember the closest hospital. “Disappointingly far away.” I murmured to myself.

“Pardon?” Shyv asked, massaging her stomach.

Well, it was either going to be a long walk, or I was going to have to scavenge some money together for a bus ride. “Nothing important. Just thinking about the nearest hospital. Probably Greenslopes.”

“That sounds nice,” She sighed quietly. “All these buildings and smoke make me miss the Everfree. At least you could take a full breath without wanting to cough there. And these cars didn't keep zooming past.”

“Aye, instead we had to deal with dangerous creatures zooming past.” I set off in the direction of the shopping center, with Shyv falling into step beside me. “Prepare to be disappointed. Greenslopes is just as bad as here. Well, maybe not quite as bad, considering we're next to a main road, but you aren't going to be escaping smoke any time soon. Or buildings. Although we probably aren't going to bother with it anyway, since hospitals have a bad habit of needing some sort of identification of the people they're treating.”

“So where are we going?” She asked. “And I've been meaning to ask, why are there so many signs in bright colors everywhere?”

“Capitalism my friend.” I replied, gesturing grandly to the surrounding advertisements for various shops screaming at us. Figuratively. “Just wait till we go inside.”

She grimaced. “They contrast so much with all the gray. And none of them fit together. Like they're all fighting for space. It just looks... wrong?”

“Welcome to Earth, many things are wrong with us.” Not exactly the most condoning of slogans, but hey. “I can see how you'd think so though. I'm so used to it, but considering you've come from a world that looks designed,” because it was “This mess of a city must be quite the experience.”

“Indeed. Not to mention the body.”

“Please cease the mention of the body. If I wanted to know about female anatomy I'd look it up.” I grumbled.

She raised an eyebrow. “Most stallions would jump at the chance.”

“A. Not a stallion, although you are correct that most men would jump at the chance. B. Not a pervert, as if it matters, because of C. I don't actually have interest in either gender. As I have stated before.”

She rolled her eyes. “I was joking.”

“My sense of humor tends to die a bit under stress.”

“You don't find the possibility of death stressful?” She asked incredulously. “You seem perfectly happy to joke about whilst about to be incinerated, or whatever other near death situations we've been in.”

I sighed. “I don't know how my brain works, alright?”

“Weak excuse.” Melody muttered.

“Shut up binary-brain.”

“That would imply I have a brain capable of only being in two states.”

“Which technically is still somewhat correct. The parts of your brain that do anything are only capable of being in two states.” I said irritably. “That's how binary code works, dumbass.”

Shyv nudged me with her head, which I found incredibly cute. “People are staring at us.”

“I think they would anyway. Considering I'm walking around with a gun strapped to my back and indigo hair. Not to mention we just walked away from a totaled car that pretty much appeared from nowhere.” I stopped and looked up at the metal shutters that closed us off from the Woolworths. “Right. The place is closed anyway. Not that I have money to buy anything.”

“Speaking of indigo hair, why does everypo- everybody have black hair? And a lot of them have really dark skin as well.” Shyv asked.

“Your questions are endless.” I sighed.

“I'm curious.”

I shrugged in defeat. “Can't argue with that.” I spotted a nearby bench and sat down. “Well, humans tend to be a less diverse lot than ponies. Our skin and hair colors simply tend to be varying shades of brown. From almost white to almost black. Darker brown hair tends to be the most common, but there are a few blonds and even fewer redheads.”

“Really? How do you tell eachother apart so well?”

I don't usually. Because I'm a socially inept idiot. “Subtleties in facial structure is the most common, but hairstyles tend to vary a decent amount and pretty much nobody wears uniform clothing unless it's an actual uniform.”

“That's why you wear clothing then?”

I picked at the drawstrings of my hood. “Nah, compensation for not having fur. But these days, a lot of people like wearing somewhat unique clothing. Personally, I'm a fan of long coats and hoods, which has the unfortunate side effect of making me look like a serial killer. Which I am, sorta.”

“Yeah, most ponies wear clothes to look unique.” She said. “Although a few wear it as status. Like the princesses.”

I stared at her flatly. “Not an idiot. I have eyes.”

“Sorry.”

“Don't worry about it. I'm just irritable right now.” I shrugged and leaned back against the wall, crossing my legs. “Maybe it’s dealing with cops again.” Or memories of my childhood. “Either way, sooner we can get out of this mess, the better.”

Shyv mimicked my gesture somewhat awkwardly, having a bit of difficulty coordinating her legs into a crossed position. I watched curiously. She ended up having to pull them into place with her hands, which I found rather amusing.

I yawned and looked around. We were sitting in a sheltered area, just inside the entrance to a very small shopping center. The lights were still off in most areas, with only the gray light of dawn creating a dim illumination. Only one or two people were hanging about; a shady guy with a prominently green scarf around his neck and mirror shades was talking in hushed tones on an outdated mobile (not that I was one to talk, I owned several Nokia 3310s) opposite us and a couple of teenagers were smoking a few meters to our left. I sniffed derisively and looked away.

Despite my involvement in the criminal underground, not to mention numerous instances of drug trafficking and raids on coke gangs, amongst other things, I had very little tolerance for people who smoked, especially in public. In fact, I tended to avoid drugs altogether, not out of any sense of purity, but simply because most don't work, considering the speed my body can expel toxins. As a result, I don't get drunk. It takes a massive amount of alcohol to even remotely impair my abilities, and much more forces my body to go into shutdown while it processes the toxins. Caffeine still works, as do most other stimulants.

In all honesty, it's probably a good thing. If I didn't have this ridiculously high resistance to depressants, I would be an alcoholic and likely dead as a result. Then again, going to die pretty soon anyway, so I hardly could have ruined my future with drugs. I didn't have a future.

“Hey.” I gruff voice called. Sounded like a smoker. Very croaky.

I looked up. It was the shady guy with the phone.

“Got a light?” He asked, proffering a cigarette.

I pulled the FAMAS off my back and said, “If you feel like sticking it next to the muzzle and firing, sure. Otherwise, can't help you mate.”

He raised an eyebrow. I noticed he didn't seem that afraid of the loaded rifle I was waving around. “Well, that's rather brazen of you. Donchu think you might want to keep it a little more... hidden?”

I shrugged and slung it back around. “I'm planning on using it, not selling it.”

“That's a shame. Greenback can always use some more firepower.” The man said, placing his cigarette back in its box. “That being said though, we can always use a skilled man to rid us of undesirables.”

“Greenback?” I asked with detached amusement. “Sounds like a mob boss.”

“I believe she prefers the term 'intelligent businesswoman'.” The man said with a knowing smile. “And I think she'd rather you never use anything else, lest you find yourself in an unfortunate accident.”

I groaned. “Typical. So uh, she know anybody who can fix you up without needing to know your name? My friend,” I gestured to Shyv, “and I have been roughed up a little recently. I'd rather know if I'm bleeding internally or not, you know?”

The man nodded thoughtfully. “Mmm. There are a few here and there. How urgent?”

I took a deep breath and the pain in my chest flared up again. “Sooner rather than later I think.”

“A'ight. Hope you have a bit of money on you.”

I grimaced. “'Fraid not. Might have to owe you one. I'll be alright to uh... run an errand or two once I'm fixed up.”

The man sighed. “Well, I'll take you to her anyway. You might be able to sort something out, no?”

I stood up and held out my hand. “Thanks for your help.”

He looked down at it and smirked. “I think you'll find I'm going to be calling in that favor rather quickly. So don't thank me just yet, hmm?”

I shrugged. “Suit yourself. Come on Shyv. Lets go get fixed up.”

She nodded, giving the man a suspicious look before standing up and following us. Once the guy was a few steps ahead, she whispered in my ear, “I dunno about this guy. He seems kinda… off.”

“Yeah, that's probably because he's a member of the local mafia. Not sure if they're just a street gang or what, but for now we should be alright anyway.” I replied in the same hushed tone. “If he tries anything funny I'll slaughter him. If not though, this might be a good opportunity.”

She grimaced. “I'm still not comfortable with it.”

I did my best to smile reassuringly. Which isn't much. “Neither am I, and I've hung out with people like this for the past two or three years. We'll be fine.”

“Cute name, Shyv.” The guy said offhandedly. “Bet you think it sounds tough.”

“Eh?” Shyv said, confused. “Not really.”

“How'd you get it? Shank someone in prison?” The guy asked, making a stabbing motion to punctuate the 'shank'.

She blinked. “I've never been to prison. It's short for Shyvanna.”

The guy laughed unpleasantly. “What's that? Russian or something?”

“It's Drangleic.” Shyv replied, bemused.

“Drangleic?” The guy laughed even louder. “What is wrong with your parents?”

Shyv frowned and didn't reply.

“I'd rather you didn't make fun of my friend.” I said threateningly. “Lest you find yourself in an... unfortunate accident.”

The man let out another short bark of laughter. “Well played.”

“Okay, so he's also a creep. Just deal with it until we can make sure we're alright.” I muttered, leaning close to Shyvanna's ear.

She nodded, but I noticed she wrapped her arms around herself, despite the warm morning.

The man led us to a nearby apartment block, up several flights of stairs and to a door labeled 17. It had peeling yellow paint and the seven was coming loose. I frowned, but I knew that appearances tended to be deceiving.

The guy knocked smartly three times.

“Coming!” A girl's voice called from inside. After a few second of waiting, a woman in her early thirties opened the door, wearing a dark red blouse and black pants. She smiled warmly. “What can I do for you today?”

“Hi Liz.” The guy said. “Got a couple of customers for you.”

She raised an eyebrow at us. “End up in a brawl? Someone chasing you down? What's up?”

“Car crash.” I said. “Think I may have punctured a lung. Not sure though.”

She opened the door wider and stepped to the side. “Come in and I'll see what I can do.”

We stepped inside and, as I thought, the interior was far more tastefully decorated than the exterior. The walls were a clean white, with a few sporadic paintings and photos placed strategically about the place. Most of the décor was very clean and modern. Liz led us to the living room, which contained a pair of gray couches, a glass coffee table and a huge plasma tv.

“Make yourselves comfortable.” Liz said, gesturing to the couches. “I'll only be a second.”

I took a seat and smiled. “Nice place she's got here.”

The guy sat down opposite me and said, “Yeah. When she's not fixing people up, Liz is a home decorator.”

“You mean interior designer.” I corrected.

The guy shrugged. “Same difference.”

“Fucking Christ.” I muttered under my breath.

“I can't help but agree.” Melody said. “There's quite the difference between interior design and, ugh, home decoration.”

The guy jumped to his feet and reflexively put his hand inside his jacket, probably to draw a gun. “Who said that?”

“Me, you dolt.” Melody snapped.

I drew her out with a sigh. “Can you not talk when other people are around please? It leads to awkward questions.”

“Then learn to deal with them.” She snorted. “Not my monkey, not my circus.”

I rolled my eyes. “Sounds like something Applejack would say.”

“Don't compare me to a talking farm pony.”

“Then don't fucking talk.” I said brightly, before thrusting her back into my pocket.

“What the hell was that?” The guy asked, withdrawing his hand from his jacket. “Some sort of AI?”

I sighed. “Artificial certainly, dunno about intelligent.”

“Says the overgrown monkey.” Melody sniped.

“Shuddap.”

The man sat down again, eying me warily. “I thought AI of that caliber were only just being developed. Where the hell did you get one?”

I waved a hand dismissively. “You wouldn't believe me if I told you.”

Liz poked her head around the door. “Everything alright in here?”

“Yeah, don't worry about it.” I replied.

Her eyes flicked between the three of us. “Well, I'm not fixing you up if you start a fight in my home. That goes for you too, Connor. Who wants to be first?”

I looked up at Shyv, who was standing awkwardly next to me. “You want to?”

“Sure.”

Liz smiled again. She did that a lot. “Alright then. Follow me.”

“Oh, and by the way...” I interrupted, before Liz could leave.

“Yes?”

“Don't steal any of our organs. Thank you.”

She laughed. “Now why would I do that? I have a reputation to uphold.”

I shrugged. “Last guy I asked didn't. Just covering my bases.”

“Fair enough.” She beckoned Shyv over. “Well then Miss, if you'd follow me...”

Shady guy sat forward with a grin on his face. “So, what organs are you missing? What'd they steal? Your kidneys?”

“They stole my heart.” The guy was about to speak, but I cut him off. “Literally.”

“I find that somewhat hard to believe.” The guy said.

“That's what their expression said when they were bleeding out on the floor too.” I deadpanned.

The guy rolled his eyes. “I'm sure.”

I shrugged. “Try shooting me then. I promise it won't turn out well for you.”

The guy laughed. “You're right about that. I don't want a scalpel in my eye for getting blood on the upholstery.”

I jabbed a thumb in Liz's direction. “She'd do that?”

“She carved someone up with a chainsaw for scratching the couch. So yes.”

I grimaced. “I know from experience that's difficult to do. She must've really hated them.”

“Yeah she did. Which is the only reason I think I'd be saved from such a gruesome fate.”

With a shrug, I fell back into silence.

“So, what do you do then?” Shady guy asked.

“I call myself an assassin, but I do some other stuff here and there as well.” I replied nonchalantly.

“An assassin huh? How good are you?”

I smirked. “Depends who you ask. I have a one-hundred percent success rate in my own eyes.”

He raised an eyebrow. “And that means?”

“I've never failed at getting what I want out of a deal.”

We both laughed, which scared me a little.

“Alright then, I'll bite. Say I tell you to kill someone, how would you go about it?”

“Such as who?” I asked. “I take a different approach depending on who my target is.”

“Let's say...” He thought for a second. “The prime-minister.”

“Which is who at the moment?”

“You don't know?”

With a sigh, I said, “I've been out of country for a while as it were. I'm not sure what's changed.”

“Well, ever since Tony was kicked out in twenty-sixteen, I think it's been... Uh...” He paused and scratched his head. “Tell you the truth, I dunno either. They're all equally silly.”

“Amen.” I muttered. “Alright, I guess I'd get Joel to do this one. He could probably easily snipe them.”

“Joel?”

“My partner in crime. He takes care of anything outside of knife range.” I replied. “He's probably the reason I'm still alive and, indeed, in business.”

Shady guy cocked his head curiously. “What, can't you use a gun? Why are you carrying one then?”

At its mention, I brushed my hand against the stock of the FAMAS, checking it was still there. “I can, but I tend to be more of the crowd control type. Joel picks off single targets, I lay waste to rooms of people.”

“Then what's this about 'outside of knife range'? You do carry quite the pair.”

This guy asks too many questions. I was starting to get suspicious, so I didn't give him an entirely honest answer. “They're scary, don't waste ammo, don't jam and tend to make people with guns over-confident. The 'outside of knife range' thing was a figure of speech. It just kinda feels that way when the other guy in your team can hit someone from half a kilometer away.”

The guy nodded knowingly. “I understand. So if he wasn't around, how would you do it?”

I frowned and thought for a moment. There were a number of different infiltration strategies I could use. This wasn't exactly America, where everyone and their mother carried assault rifles and could shoot you down at a moments notice. Besides, it wasn't like the prime-minister traveled around with snipers all the time. “Honestly, unless anything has changed in the past few years, I'd probably just walk up to their front door, blow it down, and kill everyone in the house.”

“Even the children?”

“Especially the children. They grow up and kill you later.” I said. “Not to mention not having parents sucks. I know from experience.”

The guy clicked his tongue. “Well, that makes you more of a hit-man than an assassin.”

“I honestly don't give a fuck. I kill people and get paid. That's my job.” I shrugged. “Besides, 'assassin' sorta rolls off the tongue, you know?”

He waved his hand dismissively. “Whatever. I can't imagine you make much money from that, you'd spend so much on covering your tracks.”

“I tend not to bother. Once the police know they aren't going to take you down, they stop trying.”

He looked at me sceptically in response.

“Look, when a swat team comes knocking on your door and you kill them all before dumping their corpses onto the NYPD's doorstep, they take the smart decision and don't waste any more lives.” I said matter-of-factly.

“You talk big.” He frowned. “I can't say I'm a fan of that.”

“I'm not a fan of arrogant people either, but I'm not one to downplay my achievements.” I popped my knuckles. “Tell you what, we can have a bet. State some terms.”

He grinned. “Now you're talking. I challenge you to take down three people with guns.”

I rolled my eyes. “Easy as pie.”

He held up a finger. “Uh-uh-uh. Without using a gun yourself.”

I faked looking worried. “And what do I get if I win?”

“I'll pay for your medical bills. Now and after the fight.”

“So live ammo then?” I asked.

He shook his head. “Too expensive to waste on this. We'll use paintball guns.”

“So what happens if I lose?”

He shrugged. “I get entertainment and you have to pay me back for the paintballs. And your own bills.”

Not like I have anything to lose then. “Alright, sounds good to me. When and where?”

“I'll see if I can rustle up some friends and we can do it this afternoon. I'll choose a place. You got a phone I can contact you on?”

“Nope.”

“Good. At least you're smart enough to not keep a tracking device on your person.”

“Actually, my phone's kinda in another country. I don't take it on jobs and-” I cut myself off. “You know what? It's a long story that I'm sure you won't believe.”

He sniffed. “Probably not, if it's less believable than the things you've already told me.”

“It certainly is.” Understatement of the fucking century.

“I'll just not ask then.” He said.

I put up a hand as I realized something. “So, how are you going to contact me?”

He shrugged. “Email? Skype? I dunno, what've you got?”

“Man, I live on skype.” I said with a smile. “Email's probably better though. Nobody can spy on it. Programmed it myself.”

“You know coding?” He asked, surprised.

“Scripting technically, but yeah, I know a bit.” I switched topics back to the matter at hand, pulling out Melody and unlocking her without looking. “So, email.”

“Right.” Shady guy took out his own phone and waited for it to turn on.

“Do you mind?” Melody grumbled. “My screen is very sensitive.”

I rolled my eyes. “No shit. That's how it works. It's a touch screen.”

“You don't have to press that hard though.” She said indignantly.

“That's what she said!” Shady guy said, shooting me with akimbo finger guns.

“You just had to make it weird.” I muttered, pinching the bridge of my nose.

He laughed. “Like a talking iPod wasn't to begin with.”

With as much fake drama as possible, I stared off into the distance and said, “Compared to the shit I've seen, this is nothing.” It was true, but I barely believed it myself.

“Whatever you say, drama queen.” The guy tapped something into his phone. “Alright, what's your email?”

I spelled out the address and he typed it in. “It might seem a bit weird, but it'll work.”

He nodded. “Alright, that's that.”

We fell into silence for a few minutes before the door opened and Liz stepped out. “Hey, can I speak to you for a minute?”

I stood up. “Me? What's the problem?”

“Who else would I be talking to? Connor?” She beckoned me over. “I'll tell you in a second. Follow me.”

She led me into a back room that was somewhat reminiscent of a clinic, but with more tasteful design. There was a raised hospital bed in the corner, a few cabinets, a desk with a computer and a very comfortable looking office chair that had a large red couch beside it. Shyv was sitting on it, looking relatively at-ease. I sat down beside her.

“You alright?” I asked, quickly flicking my eyes over her to make sure she wasn't hurt.

She smiled reassuringly. “I'm fine. I think.”

Liz sat down and spun her chair to face us. “She doesn't seem to be hurt. A bit of bruising around the abdomen, but it'll clear up within a few days. There was something I wanted to talk to you about though. Are you aware that she has a line of scales on her spine?”

I nodded in confirmation.

She breathed out slowly. “Okay. I noticed a number of other anatomical anomalies, which makes me think that she is not entirely human.”

“You know, I am in the room right now...” Shyv muttered.

“Did you tell her you were a half-dragon?” I asked her.

“I did, not that she believed me.”

“Obviously.” I turned my attention back to Liz. “Yes, I am aware she is not entirely human. Technically she doesn't even belong in this world or this form. It's a long story.”

“Yes. She told me a bit. I wasn't sure of her mental state, so I decided to ask you for confirmation.” Liz said.

I nodded. “Alright, but she's fine?”

“As far as I can tell.” She turned and addressed Shyv directly. “If you start feeling any sharp pains, especially around the abdominal area, come back and see me.”

Shyv nodded. “Should I go wait outside?”

“I would prefer it if you would.” Liz said. “It helps me focus.”

Shyv nodded again and left.

“Now then, do you feel any pain?” Liz asked, turning back to me.

I prodded my chest and stomach, wincing slightly. “Yeah. Lower chest, mostly. Really sharp pain. I've also been having trouble breathing.”

“Alright,” She gestured towards the hospital bed, “Take off your coat and lie down.”

I doffed my coat, along with it's various contents. It was a good five to ten kilos, factoring in the FAMAS, knives and other crap I carried around with me, so it was a literal weight off my shoulders. That being said, I instantly felt extremely vulnerable without it. Casting away the feeling, I lay down.

“From what you've described, you may have a pneumothorax, almost certainly a broken rib or two.” Liz said, walking over and pulling my shirt up so she could inspect the area. I could see her visibly wince as she did so. “A pneumothorax is a pocket of air trapped between the lungs and ribcage by the way.”

“Lemme guess, doesn't look to great?” I asked cheerfully.

She gave me a strange look. “Have you eaten anything odd recently?”

“Well, I haven't eaten at all for several hours.” I replied. “So no. Unless you're talking further back than that.”

She looked sick. Which, considering she was an underground doctor, was very disturbing indeed. “I think you might want to take a look.”

I braced myself and looked down.

“Well. That's interesting.” My torso was writhing. Well, something under the skin was writhing, and I had a pretty good idea what. “Looks like magical skin tentacles are still doing their job.”

“You aren't human either, are you?” Liz asked, deadpan.

I laughed bitterly, surprising myself. “I cling onto what's left of my humanity. But not entirely I don't think, not anymore.”

She had controlled her face now, looking unnaturally neutral. It didn't suit her. “Are you sure that this isn't the problem?”

I nodded. “They've healed my wounds in the past. Whatever 'they' are.”

“You don't know?”

I shrugged. “Not a clue. They just showed up one day.”

Liz breathed out ponderously, thinking. “I can still try to figure out if you have internal damage, but it'll be a lot more difficult.”

“And if I do?”

She sighed. “I can do an X-ray? I honestly don't know. Really, all I can do is administer painkillers.”

I groaned. “Oh, great.”

She raised her hands helplessly. “I'm sorry I can't do more.”

“You can't even do that.” I said flatly. “I'm practically immune to painkillers and other depressants.”

“So I can't operate if need be?”

I shrugged. “Been through worse without painkillers. When I was fifteen. Literal brain surgery. And other things. But my brain wasn't in my body for that.”

“What?”

I waved my hand. “Nevermind. I ramble.”

“You are a curious man indeed.” She said, cocking her head. After a few seconds of staring into space, she clapped her hands and walked back to her computer. “Well, there's not much I can do then. Try not to do anything too strenuous-”

I snorted.

“and keep breathing as fully as possible. It should heal itself with time.” She finished.

I sat up and smoothed my shirt down, feeling the tentacles inside me squirm a little. I shuddered. “Thanks for your help.”

She nodded. “It doesn't come free though. I've got to make a living somehow.”

I grimaced. “And I don't have anything to pay you with, unless you want a gun.” I rifled through the pockets of my coat. “Some gum? A pair of blades from a modified motorcycle?” My hand closed around a smooth, flat plate. I pulled it out. “A dragon scale apparently. Didn't know I still had a few of these.”

Liz looked on with detached amusement. “I need money, not shiny baubles.”

I rolled my eyes and shoved everything back inside my coat before donning it again. “Well, can't do much for you then. I'll have to owe you.”

She shrugged. “Someone's gotta pay. If not you, then Connor.”

“Ah!” I exclaimed. “I had a bet with him. He'd pay for my medical bills if I managed to to beat him in a paintball duel.”

“Sounds like him.” Liz sighed. “Let me guess, he didn't want to use live ammo because it's too expensive?”

“Yeah.” I cocked my head. “How'd you know?”

She laughed quietly. “I swear, the amount of money I've made treating those 'paintball' wounds. Trust me, whatever he says, you don't want to be hit by one of those.”

“Duly noted.” I said, cracking my knuckles. “Now then, I should go get prepared to win this bet so I can pay you back.”

Back in Equestria

I kicked back in the small treehouse we had found. It looked vaguely familiar, with banners depicting a rearing pony on a shield all over the place. Regardless, it was extremely well built, with a solid set of stairs and all.

“Nice place they've got here.” Vi commented, lying down opposite me. “Hope they don't mind if we hang about for a bit.”

“I can just turn invisible if they take exception to it.” I said, bringing my AWP onto my lap so I could clean it. It had been getting plenty dirty recently with our constant trekking through the forest.

Vi looked around curiously. “Very well built place though.” She gestured to the ceiling. “One of the princesses could stand upright in here without hitting their head on the roof.”

I slid out the bolt and cut a small strip off my suit sleeve to clean it off with. “In all honesty, I don't really care where it came from. They have beanbags and that's all I need.”

Vi laughed. “I've certainly stayed in much worse.”

I inserted the strip into the firing assembly and held my sleeve over it, watching as it lashed out and reattached itself, carrying a few fragments of dirt and mud with it. “I miss my old apartment though. Living in a library has certainly been an experience, but it's just not the same.”

“You're right about that; I miss my hive.” Vi said with a nostalgic sigh.

I repeated the cleaning process. “Wards is so attached to the place though, and it's not like we have anywhere else to go.”

“Well, you don't.” Vi corrected. “But we spend most of our time walking around anyway, so it doesn't really matter that much.”

I shrugged. “Still miss the apartment. Haven't slept on a real bed in months now.”

“Speaking of which, you owe me a story.”

I did my best to clean the bolt and inserted it back into the gun. “How'd you get that out of a discussion about sleeping arrangements?”

“Stop procrastinating.” Vi placed her cheeks on her hoofs and buzzed her wings eagerly. “I've been curious about this for ages.”

I sniffed, racked the bolt a couple of times to make sure it was working smoothly, and placed the AWP by my side. “Who am I to disappoint then?” I gathered my thoughts for a moment. “I'm not as dramatic as Wards is, so I'll begin by saying I honestly haven't had the best of lives. But it's certainly not over yet, and it's been far from the worst I could have had...”

When I was younger, I moved all over the place. I spent the first few years of my life in Brisbane, same as Edward. I ended up in Perth over on the opposite side of the country for a year or two, before coming back to Brisbane again. Then New Zealand for quite some time, where I met Dan and Cameron. I did like NZ; it was nice and cool. Came back to Brisbane again, a year or so before Wardo disappeared.

Around the same time he did, things started getting really strange around where I lived. Shady types hanging about. I saw a couple of them loitering near a store down the road from my house. Usually it would've been nothing; there's no shortage of sketchy people in the world, but I distinctly noticed the pair was wearing green scarves. That alone seemed a bit off. I had barely seen anybody wear scarves before in Australia, let alone in the middle of spring. It was twenty-something degrees, so there was no practical reason I could see for them having them.

After I noticed that, I started seeing the scarves everywhere. A stranger on the street with a duffel bag. Some of the more troublesome kids at school. A pair sitting on a bench. A man riding past on a motorcycle. I saw a lot of those actually. Loads of the scarf wearing guys using motorbikes. Or maybe I just didn't see them when they were in cars.

I started thinking they were some sort of gang. Spoilers, I was right. About a year passed before I found out for sure though. Wards had already been presumed dead by this point, along with his family.

“Hold up.” Vi interrupted. “His family?”

I nodded sadly. “Yeah. They were killed when an assassin tracked him down. I guess he hasn't told you yet. Guy still has nightmares about it. Not that he'll admit it, but I hear him muttering in his sleep sometimes.”

“Sounds like him. Anyway, continue. I'll ask him about it later.”

“Where was I?” I said to myself. “Finding out about the gang. That's right.”

So, I think it happened pretty late on in grade 11. September or so. I was going to head down to the bus stop to go home, but I got distracted by something back at school. Don't really remember what. I might have wanted to talk to one of the teachers. Anyway, I started heading down to the bus late when I noticed a couple of guys, just a bit older than me, loitering nearby. Both wearing the scarves. After they noticed me looking at them, they beckoned me over.

“Hey, what are you doing back so late?” One asked, hands in his pockets.

I looked at them suspiciously, but I didn't see any reason to lie. “Just had some stuff to take care of with my english assignment. Why do you ask?”

The guy who hadn't spoken gave the other one a look. He nodded and took his hands out of his pockets.

I flicked my eyes towards them and noticed the glint of steel an instant before he had a knife at my throat.

“No speaking. Don't move unless I tell you to, assuming you don't want to be gutted like a fish.” He said quietly.

Because you're really going to be trying to gut me with a knife at my throat. Still, I obliged, strangely enough.

Knife guy walked around behind me, keeping the blade only centimeters from cutting flesh. At least he didn't dig it in. He rested his arm around my shoulders and hid the blade under my collar. Surprisingly smart really. Made it look like I was a friend of his, instead of a hostage.

“Follow my friend over there.” He said, gesturing subtly with the knife. “Try to run and I'll hamstring you.”

I rolled my eyes, not that he could see. The other guy turned around and retreated into the alley. I took a tentative step forward, keeping my face as far from the knife as possible. Granted, that was only an inch, but it felt like miles.

“I can vouch for that. A blade at your throat isn't the greatest feeling in the world.” Vi commented.

“Since when have you had a knife at your throat?” I asked.

“Not a knife. Calvary sword, back when we invaded Canterlot. One of the royal guard tried to take me hostage to bargain. Didn't work out too well for him. Didn't work out too well for me either really.” She replied, with a thoughtful look. “Ended up with slash wounds all over my chest and magic burns across my side. If it wasn't for my carapace, I would have been done for. At the time, I was pretty confident I was. That spelled the end of my involvement in the war until it was time to retreat.” Vi sighed. “But this is your story time, not mine.”

“We can trade if you want.” I said with a shrug.

She looked sullenly at the floor. “I'd rather not, to be honest.”

I shrugged. “Fair enough. No point bringing back bad memories for my sake.”

“Being kidnapped isn't a bad memory for you?” Vi asked sceptically.

“Not something I want to go through every day, but in comparison to some of the other things I've seen and done, it wasn't that bad.” I replied. “Now then.” I rhythmically tapped one of the Glocks against my thigh, in an effort to help me remember what I was talking about. It had been a while ago.

Basically, the guys took me through some back streets and led me to a car. Now, this is where things start to get interesting. It was quite a nice car. Expensive, tinted windows, shiny black. The guy in the lead opened the door and my new friend with the knife shoved me inside, sitting down next to me and keeping the knife at my throat.

“Hey boss, got you a new guy. Looks about thirteen or fourteen, like you wanted.”

I was sixteen. I was also wondering how long it would take to burn this guy's eyes out.

A hand reached up from the driver's seat and adjusted the rearview mirror. I caught a glimpse of mirror sunglasses before I was shoved behind the seat. “I told you idiots to recruit, not kidnap. Put that fucking knife away.”

Deep voice, sounded like a man in his late twenties to thirties. Sounded like a smoker, although I couldn't smell cigarettes. I found out later that he had only smoked once in his life, the voice came from the fact he was born with a hole in his throat that had to be sewn up when he was a baby.

Knife guy flicked his knife closed and became regular thug once again. “You said 'Get us a kid who's willing to do us some dirty work. Younger than fifteen should do it, but not too young.' You never fucking said we needed to recruit them.”

The man in the front sighed. “I bet you don't even know what 'willing' means. Fucking moron.”

“You wanna say that to my face, shit-for-brains?”

I heard a sound which I identified as a pistol being cocked. “You want me to say it with a gun to your head? I don't pay you to give lip, so shut your goddamn mouth.”

“Yes sir.” No-longer-holding-knife guy muttered.

“There you go.” Sunglasses said cheerfully. “Now, kid, sorry that we might've started out on the wrong foot. You can call me Connor. Since you've landed in my lap, willing or not, I'm going to make you a proposal. Lots of money in it for you.”

“Considering the gun you have up front, I'm guessing it's neither safe nor legal?” I replied.

“Safe, certainly. About as dangerous as being a paperboy. Legal, ehhhhh. Not exactly.”

I clicked my tongue, thinking. “Am I even allowed to say 'no'?”

“Certainly, we'll let you go and you can forget this ever happened. Unlike the idiot sitting next to you, I realize keeping unwilling employees around is bad for business. That being said though, if I hear you've snitched, I will personally throw your corpse in a dumpster. Probably after I've shot you in the head.”

“Duly noted.” I tried to stay nonchalant, but it's not exactly easy when there's someone threatening you with being shot in the head. Especially if that someone will probably do it.

“Wonderful. So will you help us out?”

I took a deep breath to calm my nerves and carefully said, “At the moment, if I say yes, it will be a leap of faith. I want to know exactly what I'm getting into. Furthermore, I want to know what I will get out of it. If neither of those satisfy me, I'm going to walk away.”

“Fair enough kid. Spoken like a true businessman.” Connor paused for a moment, rhythmically drumming his fingers against the dash as he thought. “What you're going to be doing is deliveries. Mostly drugs; weed, cocaine, heroin, et cetera. Might get you to run a few other things around too. We'll pay you well, and the only thing you're going to need to worry about is being picked up for being in the possession of illegal substances.”

“And drug addicts.”

“Kid, the real deal is nothing like what you see on TV.” He said, chuckling slightly. “Chances are, most'll just be some guys and gals in their thirties. You'll be fine.”

I sighed. “Alright. How will this work then?”

“You'll do it?” Connor sounded a little surprised.

“Still thinking it over, but I'm leaning towards no more so than yes at the moment.” I replied. “I do still have school to think about, and I'd rather not ruin my life for getting picked up with drugs.”

“Trust me, heck of a lot less likely to ruin your life at your age than mine. I could be picked up for several years, maybe even life. Worst you'll get is probably a year.” He said. “To answer your question, we'll leave a bag in a certain location, which I'm not going to tell you until you accept the job, filled with packages. Each will have an address. We'll start you off with some of the less extreme stuff in the local neighborhood. You do well, you get jobs that go further out and much better pay. When you're done, you drop the bag off again.”

“When will this be?”

“Weekends probably. We have a couple who run after school, but most prefer the weekends.”

I nodded slowly. “I'll do it, on one condition.”

“Going to be a real handful, aren't ya?” Connor muttered.

I ignored the comment. “I want to try this for a month or so, and if it's not working out, I want to be able to get out.”

He sighed and drummed his fingers on the dash again. “I suppose I can’t really blame you for wanting to keep your options open. Fine. Just remember, there’s a difference between not having to work for us anymore and snitching, mmm?”

“Lemme guess, the bullet in the brain?” I asked rhetorically.

Connor laughed. “Spot on. ‘Least you got a sense of humor.”

Keeps your mind off the fact you’re in a car with a murderer. “Can I go now?”

Connor raised a hand in farewell. “We’ll be in touch.”

I sat back and sighed. “That was my first meeting with the Local Bomb Squad. They were a strange lot. The gang started with a few friends in college and ended up being one of the largest crime syndicates in Australia. Most people ended up calling them ‘Green Scarves’ or just ‘The Greens’, so they eventually adopted that.”

“You joined the gang?” Vi asked.

“Yeah.” I cocked my head. “Is that strange?”

She shrugged. “I didn’t really peg you for the gangster type. I thought you would gun them all down or something.”

“For a start, the only reason I do that these days is because Wards pisses someone off and I end up having to bail him out.” I replied. “Believe it or not, I go for a peaceful resolution when I can. I wasn’t a trained assassin at that point in my life anyway. Being part of a gang was what started me off actually. I can skip most of the drug peddling stuff, it basically just amounted to taking buses around the place and talking to people. Had no problems until after I’d been doing it for around half a year.”

Connor was leaning casually against a wall, wearing mirrored shades and a green silk scarf as always, despite it being 2:00 in the morning. Not to mention we were inside a train station. He handed me a duffel bag and said, “Just the one delivery this time. Lots of product to one guy. Real high quality. Real expensive. Don’t lose it.”

“Haven’t lost any before. Not planning to today.” I replied, slinging the bag over my shoulder.

“You’ve done good work for us in the past, so we’ll be trusting you with bigger jobs from now on. Don’t dissapoint.” He patted my shoulder once before turning and walking off into the night.

I pulled my own scarf up over my chin and unzipped the bag. There was a sticker with an address on it, stuck to one of around twenty plastic-wrapped packages. I pulled out my phone and typed the address into google maps. Turns out it was quite a ways away. With a weary sigh, I zipped the bag up and checked the time-table behind me.

Connor was a bit of a douche. He liked fucking with people. Turns out the last train to go where I wanted to go had left only a minute or two ago, so I had to wait another half-hour for the next one. Which meant standing in a deserted train platform at two in the more morning with a bag full of drugs. Not the most pleasant experience.

The train finally came. Someone had sprayed ‘fuck yourself’ in red paint on the carriage closest to me. “Wonderful.” I muttered, stepping on. The train was just as empty as the station. I sat down, placing the bag on the seat beside me.
Usually train rides are boring. Yet, despite not sleeping for almost an entire day straight, I was wide awake. As I said, I had been doing this sort of thing for quite some time, but never this late at night, and never this far away. The area I was headed to wasn’t known for being the safest either. Thus the reason I jerkily glanced around the carriage, my heart beating a thousand times a minute.

When I finally reached the Loganlea station, I sprinted all the way to the delivery address, wanting to get the job over as soon as possible. It was in a large factory or warehouse looking area, with quite a large number of tanks lined up to the side. I ducked between them and scanned the area. There were three men loitering around the warehouse entrance. Probably the customers.

I unzipped the bag to double check that I hadn’t lost the drugs, despite not seeing anybody else since I’d gotten it from Connor. Once I was sure it was all there, I made my way towards the three men. In all honesty, I was scared. Much of my previous deliveries had been to households. Most of the people were decently friendly, or at silently paid up and took the package. I’d never been in a situation where I was met with more than one person, much less three in an area where they could easily kill me and dispose of the body. As I got closer, I noticed it was too dark to make out their faces, which put me on edge further.

“Hello?” I called uncertainly.

“You Connor’s runner?” One asked, stepping forward. He was wearing a hoodie and carried a flashlight.

“Yes.” I replied, trying to keep my voice as even as possible.

“Alright then, drop the bag on the ground and take a step back.” He said, clicking on the flashlight.

I did as he said, unzipping the bag and placing it gently on the ground before taking an uncertain step back. The leader crouched down and inspected the contents, letting out a low whistle as he did so.

“That’s quite a bit.” He looked up at me with a wolfish grin. “Don’t look so scared kid, we ain’t gonna hurt ya.”

“So long as you don’t move a muscle that is.” One of the other men said, stepping forward and quickly pulling something out from his jacket.

I found myself staring down the barrel of a suppressed pistol. With a painful gulp, I resisted the urge to turn and run as fast as my legs would take me. “What are you doing?” I asked, although I already knew the answer.

The leader zipped up the bag and slung it over his shoulder. “Making a living. Nothing personal.”

“Stay here. Don’t follow us. Don’t try to be a hero.” The man with the gun barked. “It’s not going to work out too well for you, savvy?”

I nodded, not trusting my voice.

“Good.” He kept the gun trained on me as the other two retreated around the back of the warehouse, before turning and making a break for it himself.

I collapsed to the ground, heart pounding. I was alive.

But I had lost the drugs.

As I stared after the gunman’s retreating form, I came to a horrible realisation.

I had lost the drugs. If I didn’t get them back, I was dead anyway.

Author's Note

The unintentional hiatus is real.

Blame 4chan.

1: Could have gone better.

Honor the Dead

by BinaryTroll aka Onyx Bluemoon

Chapter 1: “Could have gone better”

I stood on the skyscraper, looking down on the city below. “Joel. Where's the target?”

“About 200m to your left.”

“Run an equipment check.”

“Do we really need to?”

“Just shut up and do it.”

I was talking to Joel, my best friend and long time partner. Long time as in three years. I was what you might call an assassin. I personally didn't believe that was the correct term, my job was closer to that of a ninja's. Stealing, reconnaissance and yes, quite often, assassination. Unfortunately for me, I loved exploding stuff. Not a good trait for stealth missions. Anyway, back to the story. Joel pulled out a silenced AWP(he loved that bolt action rifle), twin silenced Glock-18s and a black combat knife.

“Alright, I got thirty rounds for my AWP, 6 clips for the Glocks, 4 normal, 2 incindinary, and my knife.”

He checked for anything that could jam the guns.

“They all should be working fine.”

“Don't jinx yourself.”

“Shut up.”

I checked my own weapons. Twin massive Bowie knives, “Luna” and “Celestia” (they had camo to match the princesses to boot), a smaller black combat knife, a ballistic knife (I like knives, can you tell?) and a G2 Famas, silenced like everything else.

“Yeah, every thing's in order. 3 clips for the Famas, all the knives are sharp, 2 extras for the ballistic. I think we're good.”

“So. Why did you call this again?”

“Shut up.”

“Whatever Wardo.”

“I swear...” I left my remark hanging. Wardo is a nickname Joel gave me around when I was fourteen. It's short for Edwardo which is, once again, a nickname for the name Edward.

I sprinted towards the edge of the skyscraper, jumping at the last second. My momentum combined with my jump catapulted me across the gap and I landed on an adjacent building, rolling to break my fall. A soft thump behind me told me that my partner had followed in kind. Together we continued to run and leap our way across the buildings.

I loved the feeling of the night. It was so quiet. So peaceful. Hell, I was going to ruin that peace soon but, still. I did love the night. It was a new moon, not that that really mattered, there are so many lights in the city it doesn't matter whether the moon is full or not. It's a shame really. The lights from the city take away so many of the stars around us. Take away the beauty of the night.

I shook off the thoughts, almost botching a jump. That small mistake could have been lethal. God, this was a rush. Putting my mind back to the task at hand, I vaulted over one of the many pipes that littered the tops of these buildings. Joel was already at the edge of this building, no longer running but crouching, looking down the scope of his rifle. I landed softly next to him.

“I'm picking up some heat signatures in the building, human sized.” Joel said quietly. “I'd say this guy got himself some guards.”

“It'd be a shame, if someone were to kill them.” I chuckled at my dark humour. Joel laughed back. These small jokes were so much more funny when you could die in the next few minutes. I heard some shouting at the bottom of the building. “What was that?”

“I'm guessing none of our business, that's what.” Joel replied, slinging his rifle across his back. “We have enough to worry about right now.”

I sighed. “Fine. I'm allowed to be curious.” I pulled out Luna and swiped the air in front of me. “Okay, lets do this”

I dived through one of the open windows of the building, rolling myself into cover behind a desk. I heard breathing. Making no sound, I slowly stood up, readying Luna for possible combat.. A guard stood not a metre away from my position, although, besides the desk and him, the room was empty. Taking careful steps, I approached him. With a quick movement I struck, clamping a hand over his mouth whilst ramming Luna through his skull. I stabbed him in the back a few times for good measure. Blood dripped to the floor as I dragged the lifeless body behind the desk I had originally hidden behind.

I moved back to the window I had entered through, beckoning Joel towards myself. I stood back as he leapt through the open window, rolling as I had done. He noticed the mangled corpse of the guard and raised his eyebrows at me. I gave him a look that said “Don't ask.”

He shook his head and walked toward the door. Once there, he put an ear to it. I followed suit. More breathing. It was irregular, leading me to believe that there were multiple people inside. I drew Celestia, holding the dual knives in a reverse grip. As Joel silently turned the handle I readied myself. The door slowly opened and I stealthily moved into the room. One guard was facing me, the other facing his comrade. The first guard let out a small gasp and I rushed towards them. The second guard turned just as I plunged the two knives into his chest, feeling them crush bone and draw that ever present blood. The first guard readied his weapon, I was defenceless against it, my knives still lodged in his companion's chest. Unfortunately for him, I didn't come alone.

PSSH PSSH PSSH

The silenced Glock fired, ripping through the first guards chest. I abandoned my knives and gently lowered the guard to the ground. That done, I ripped my knives out of the other corpse's chest, wiping them on the body before sheathing them. An idea came into my mind and I smiled evilly. Using the first guard's weapon sling, I hung his body from the light in the room. I decided to turn off the light as well. I looked to Joel. He was making retching motions. I took in the room. It appeared to be some form of storage, many boxes and crates littered the floor. Seriously, who puts a storage at the top of a building?

I heard a series of soft thumps. Footsteps. Joel dived behind one of the many boxes and I did the same.

“Hey, Jack, Dan? You okay?”

The guard had stopped outside the door, presumably looking for the two other guards who were hanging around. Fuck you, that was funny. He opened the door and saw the hanging body. He screamed.

“OH SHIT, OH SHIT, OH SHIT!”

He started firing wildly at shadows. Unfortunately for me, I was one of them. Leaping up to dodge the bullets, I flipped, planting my feet on the roof before pushing off it to propel me towards the terrified guard. I pulled out my smaller knife in mid-air and stabbed him through the throat. The gunfire ceased instantly, allowing me to hear the many shouts of variations on “What was that?”

“Well that went perfectly.” Joel said sarcastically. I sighed.

“Fuck it. Lets do this the fun way.” I pulled out Luna and Celestia, holding them in a reverse grip. I kicked the already half open door, ripping it off it's hinges. Oddly, there was no one nearby.

“Lets just find the target and get out.” Joel said, unscrewing the silencers of his two Glocks and setting them to full auto. “We don't need to kill everyone in the building.”

“Why not?”

“Because that's not our objective”

“IS NOW!” I yelled manically, smashing the next door to splintered wood.

“You do realise that you could just open those doors normally, right?”

“More fun this way.”I said, kicking yet another door in. “Where is everyone? They were shouting about that guy I killed a minute ago.”

I kicked a fourth door open, actually lodging it in a wall. That's where I found everyone, staring at me with their jaws on the floor. I grinned like a maniac, which I guess I was, and rushed into the room.
I gracefully ducked and weaved around the steams of bullets headed my way. After years of practice with dummy rounds, I had become quite adept at dodging bullets. They key is knowing where they're going to shoot and moving out of the way, rather than actually dodging as they come toward you. I decapitated one guard with a scissor motion, before spinning and accidentally slitting the throat of another as I brought the knives into a thirds chest. I ducked as Joel fired with the Glocks, killing off the rest of the room in a shower of blood and gore.

Only one remained, he was in a suit with a purple tie. Our target. He started to run toward the door he came from before he was ripped to pieces by Joel's Glocks.

“Done. And done. Even if it was a little anticlimatic.” Joel said, dropping the empty clips of his Glocks and loading fresh ones. “Now can we get out before someone else gets involved?”

“ SWAT, open the door!”

“You had to say it, didn't you?” I muttered as the door was kicked off its hinges, not by me for once. A little bit of change is good every now and then.

“Drop your weapons!” shouted the lead SWAT, pointing a SMG at me. His two friends sweeped the room before focusing on Joel.

“For fucks sake man, no need to shout.” I said as I lowered my knives to the ground. A clatter from behind me told me that Joel had dropped his Glocks.

“Now kick them over here!” The stupid SWAT captain was still shouting at me. Using the toe of my boot, I flipped Luna into the air, before kicking her with the other leg into the loud captain's chest. Joel stomped on the Glocks, spraying bullets into the other two SWAT's ankles and skins. I dove for Celestia, grabbing the knife and slashing it through one of the SWAT's throats. I stomped on the final one's head, exploding it in a rather gruesome fashion.

“Well, at least I know what that shouting was.” I said. “Can we go now?”

“With pleasure.” Joel replied. We walked over to the door which happened to lead to a set of stairs. I slid down the railing, because I could, leaping off at the next floor. “Hey, can I borrow one of your Bowies?” Joel shouted from the top of the stairs. I tossed Celestia up to him. He placed the knife on the railing and I got an idea of what he was going to do. He backed up before sprinting for the railing and leaping on to the knife. As a testament to his balance, he didn't fall and landed gracefully at the bottom, grabbing Celestia from under his feet and handing her to me hilt first. “Show off” I muttered, turning toward the door at the end of the stairs.

“I heard voices, breach and flash.” the door said. It took me a second to realise what was happening, by then it was too late. The door slammed open and a small metal cylinder was thrown through, bouncing off my forehead.

“Shi-”

The flashbang exploded.

Author's Note

This is my first real story. Grammar nazis are appreciated.

7: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Honor the Dead
by BinaryTroll aka Onyx Bluemoon
Pre-read by Honored Service
Chapter 7: “HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”

(Want to make this chapter really fucked up? Listen to this while reading. Happyland )

“Bring it fuckers.”

I shuddered as the effects of the black blood ran through my body. My vision grayed out the unimportant things and focused on what was the most important. Getting more of that blood.
I ran forward and ripped off the head of the closest shadow. More of that lovely juice spilled out. It wasn't enough. I needed more. MORE!

I sliced another shadow open, and another, and another. It still wasn't enough. I need more. I sunk my teeth into the neck of a shadow that thought he could get the drop on me. How stupid. I sheathed my knives, these things were a pathetic excuse for prey. I want to have some fun.

I let out an inhuman scream and charged the army of shadows. One on 10000. They were screwed. I punched through the head of one, it exploded into more of that amazing blood. His body flopped to the floor and I tore it open, spilling even more of the shadowy blood. Five came at me, swinging those bladed arms. I ripped one off and stabbed two more of them with it. Their blood spattered on the ground, painting the wonderful picture of violence and death.

I threw away the arm, it split the head of another shadow, and began to dismember the remaining shadows that had attacked me. Once their limbs were scattered across the blood soaked floor, I turned my attention to the rest of the host. They were motionless.

I laughed, the laugh of a maniac. The laugh of one who didn't belong to this world. The laugh of one that could kill and kill and not care for those he killed. The laugh of a monster.

Joel shuddered. He had heard Edward's laugh from this far away. That could not be good. He hadn't been this worked up since the time he killed an entire city.

Princess Luna detected a large spike of dark magic. Something was happening. She alerted the guards that a large number of shadows may be heading their way.

Day Terror looked towards the city of Hum-gia. A huge spike of dark magic had just gone off there. Maybe Honored hadn't rid the city of all the shadows as they thought.

The shadows stayed still. It was like they just couldn't move. I got bored and stepped slowly towards the mass of shadows. So much blood pulsing through those veins. I needed it. I needed it all.

A huge force impacted on my back. I twisted my head around to see the massive paw of the flaming hellhound pinning me to the ground. I laughed again. This mutt thought he could disable me? Not a chance.

I dislocated my shoulders and reached around, grabbing the dog by the ankle. I levered it off me and flipped it onto the shadows that were standing in front of me. The flaming hound slammed into the ground, crushing and igniting quite a few shadows in the process.

Some slightly sane part of my mind noticed that they weren't reforming like they normally did, but I was too far into the grip of the rage to care.

I looked down at my hands. They were on fire. Blood was leaking out of the skin that had been burnt off, evaporating in the flames. It didn't hurt so I didn't care. All the better to kill you in the most gory way possible my dear.

I lifted my flaming hands and balled them into fists. I ran towards the crowd and tore off limbs, heads and any other appendages that the more mutant shadows had. The black blood began to soak into my clothing, giving me a chill.

I crushed the head of a shadow, spattering my face with blood and quickly jumped to avoid an incoming attack. None came. I looked behind me to see a lake of black blood with some random lumps scattered through it. Probably the limbs and other bits that didn't dissolve. My coherent and logical mind began to return.

“HOLY SHIT!” I had just killed thousands of shadows with my bare hands. Dayum. Looks like the magic of this world makes my bloodrage state stupidly strong. Good to know. I looked at my cloak. It was wet with blood. I ran a hand through my hair. I felt like I had just gone through a thunderstorm. I stared down at my hands. Red blood, my blood, leaked out of the cracked and burned skin. I studied the rest of my body. More redness mingled with the black around my stomach and on my right leg. I was invincible in bloodrage. I wasn't after it ended. If I continued to bleed this much, I would bleed out before I caught up with Joel.

I limped back to my bike and started the engine. Ouch. Jug heightens my pain tolerance, so that must hurt like hell.

The tread began to turn and I sped off in the direction that I hoped was Ponyville. If I was lucky I might even catch up to Joel.

Sand flew up into my cuts. Ouch. That hurt like hell. Once again, thank fuck for Jug. I probably would have blacked out from pain by now if it wasn't for the drink. Even if it did taste like koolaid that had been pissed in. Not that I've ever drunk piss. I don't want to for that matter. But I digress.

The hours became a blur, I zoned out as the dunes flew by.

Joel POV

I cut the engine and came to a stop next to the river we had crossed on the way to Hum-gia. I really hoped the Edward was okay. I shouldn't have been worrying, he'd survived similar situations before. But that laugh, it had a sense of insanity to it that I hadn't heard before. It sounded like he had completely lost control.

I twisted the cap off the last bottle of Mountain Dew and took a long pull. Its times like this when I wish I drank. But I guess caffeine would have to do for now, Wards was the one with the radio to contact Dan.

My stomach growled. Time to go hunting.

I pulled out one of the Glocks and loaded a normal clip. Shooting fish in a barrel, without the barrel. I must be insane. I didn't have a fishing rod, or bait for that matter, and I certainly couldn't be fucked finding a manticore or cockatrice or other horrible beast just so I could eat. So shooting fish it was.

I waited by the river, watching for any sign of movement. I saw a flash of purple and shot at it. It quickly slithered away into an underwater cave.

Meanwhile

Reginald the serpent was looking for some seaweed when he saw a tall bipedal shape standing on the riverbank. Maybe Johnson had finally come back for a chat. Reggie swam towards the human, it was holding out one of those “guns”, a small one. How odd. The human swung the firearm towards Reggie and shot it, taking off one side of his fabulous mustache. That wasn't very nice. Reggie swam back to his cave, maybe he would want to talk later. And apologize.

And we're back

I sighed. “Missed” I muttered. I prided myself on being a good shot in all situations, maybe the refraction of light through the water threw me off. I should have compensated. Oh well, plenty more fish in the sea. Or river.

I readied the Glock for another try.

Edward POV

I was jolted back to reality by a change in scenery, I was nearing the Everfree. “Finally” I said, gripping the handlebars more tightly. I almost had fallen asleep, not a good thing to do when on a bike. My wounds stung, my hair was dirty and limp, my clothing was caked with dried blood and I felt like someone had hit me over the head with a flaming frying pan. I needed a shower.

I pulled out my last bottle of Mountain Dew and sipped some. I fucking need more caffeine, this just didn't cut it. I still felt like I was going to black out at any moment.

I sighed and cut the engine, maybe I should call up Dan again, I was hungry. I put on the radio/earpiece and pressed in the button.

“Come in Dan, this is Onyx, come in.” I said tiredly. Fuck me, my voice was scratchy.

“Loud and clear. As always, what do you need?” replied my friend.

“A compass, Coffee, sugar, a fuck ton of baked beans, some bread, and some panadol.”

“What do you take me for, a slave? Nea. Alright boss, be there in 10.”

The radio cut off. I wondered what Dan did all day. And how he managed to get to Equestria. And how he managed to get anything, anywhere at any time. It was like magic. I laughed. For all I knew it was magic, you know what they say; 'Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic'. But still, how would Dan get here if he wasn't transported with Joel and me? Ugh, stop thinking about it. All it's going to do is break your already insane mind.

I pulled out my ipod. I was still connected to the internet. Somehow. Out of interest, I pulled up the settings and checked what 'network' I was connected to.

TДEH INTЏERӪNETZΣ

Oh yeah, Equestrian writing is different from English. But there was a network here. Somehow. I wonder who created it. Maybe it was just the magical aura of this world. I don't know. I could theorize for days and get nowhere, so why bother?

The scream of a jet engine interrupted my thoughts and Dan flew over, dropping a small crate of supplies a couple of meters away. Excellent.

I pulled open the lid and extracted the contents: ground coffee beans, a loaf of bread, a small packet of pills, a metal container that held sugar and twelve cans of Heinz baked beans. I was going to be so sick of those by the time I got to civilization.

I took off my blood stained cloak and wrapped up the contents of the crate in it, putting it in the storage compartment of the bike I pulled out one can of beans and levered it open with my smaller knife. The metal lid fell into the beans with a gloop. Fuck.

I reached in and pulled out the lid, tossing it away into the sand. I looked at the beans and realized something. I don't have a spoon. I shrugged, nobody was going to berate me for manners here. I tipped the can up and the beans slid into my mouth.

Fuck. The beans found their way into my throat, choking me. I coughed up a few of the beans and groaned. How hard did it have to be to eats some fucking beans. I tipped the can into my mouth again and didn't choke this time. Yay. I was so sick of this shit. I just wanted to have a shower and eat some real food. I had been in Equestria for less than a week and I was already hating my stay. I'd better find Joel soon. And civilization. And a fucking shower.

I ate the rest of the beans and stood up, not even bothering to brush the sand off my clothing. The bike waited for me silently. I already missed Joel. Guess I'll just have to go find him, won't I? I smiled a bit, maybe I'd find him at Ponyville and kill two birds with one stone. Although Ponyville may just be a lake now thanks to the nightmare, I still haven't finished that story. Mostly because the writer hasn't either.

I started the engine and sped into the Everfree.

Joel POV

I had gathered three fish and was cooking them over a small fire. They smelled a bit like tuna. Hopefully they tasted like it too. I looked to the sky, the sun was setting, the end of my third day in Equestria. This world was nothing like I imagined it. If I get back to Earth, I'm going to find the writer and slap him for making this place.

I checked on this fish, they were finished cooking. Excellent. I tore a large hunk of meat off the first one. It did taste like tuna. Isn't that nice of the universe. God must be having a laugh at my situation, stuck in the wilderness of a world I don't know, a world that was supposed to be happy and magical.

I heard a growl from behind me. Great. Some new horror must have been drawn to the smell of cooking fish. I drew the Glocks and turned to face the monster that interrupted my meal. A manticore towered over me, face twisted into a snarl. I didn't hesitate to pull both triggers and splatter the tree behind it with it's brains. The beast fell backwards and I returned to my meal. At least these things were killable. Those shadows are OP, Riot, nerf plz.

The fish was quite good actually, once you got over the fact that the bones were blue. This place was weird.

An explosion sounded behind me and I heard a familiar voice.

“FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-”

Author's Note

Never edit on an iPod. Ever. And where are the comments? I would have thought that there would be more by now. I'm not telling you to comment for the hell of it though.

22: BONUS 2: Odd images.

Honor the Dead
by BinaryTroll
Pre-read by -
Bonus 2, Chapter 22: “Odd images.”

I ran my hand along the wall, feeling the small dimples in the metal. I looked at it, feeling as though I forgot something. As I studied the scratches I noticed a picture. What looked like a human in a coat. With a knife.

“Is that... me?”

Author's Note

A picture is worth a thousand words. It's a shame I don't have 2.

Fun fact: this was originally going to be the cover picture for this story (and may still become it) but I decided against it in favour of the bloody hand. I've decided to finally upload it anyway. (By which I mean I didn't realise it had to be posted on the Internet. Btw, thanks to Honored Service for your help with that.)

30: BONUS 3: Welcome to Canterlot. Bitch. Now with 1300% more alternative universe.

Honor the Dead
by BinaryTroll
Pre-read/Edited by Honored Service
Chapter 30, Bonus 3: “Welcome to Canterlot. Bitch. Now with 1300% more alternative universe.”

Alternate timeline/universe 1

I felt the wood splinter slightly beneath my foot as I kicked the huge double doors in. I felt them hit a body before swinging all the way open and crashing into the walls, making the entire room shudder.

“HELLO! I'M THE DOCTOR!” I yelled, spinning Luna and Celestia around my fingers.

“That's my line!” Calls a British accented pony from somewhere in the crowd.

Alternate timeline/universe 2

I felt the wood splinter slightly beneath my foot as I kicked the huge double doors in. I felt them hit a body before swinging all the way open and crashing into the walls, making the entire room shudder.

“Pizza delivery for Miss P. Luna” I said, holding out a pizza box. “With extra loudness. As ordered.”

Alternate timeline/universe 3

I pushed open one of the huge double doors slightly and poked my head around the door. “Um hello? Do you sell trampolines?”

A room full of important looking ponies, including princesses Luna and Celestia, all stared silently back at me.

“No? Sorry to disturb you.” I closed the door quietly.

Alternate timeline/universe 4

My sister's eye twitched noticeably. She glared down at Prince Blueblood. “Probably because ponies keep interrupting me.”

“Then surely you can dismiss them?”

I raised my eyebrows. “Okay then, out you go.” I said, pointing at the door.

“What? But- I-”

“Out.”

“You can't-”

“Out.”

“But-”

My eyes flashed. “Out.”

He hung his head and slowly walked over to the door. Just as he placed his hoof on the handle, one of the windows exploded into little shards of multicolored glass. Following the glass was a blue haired human in a long black coat.

I blinked. “You went in through the window?”

“Yes. That is how I enter a room. How do you do it?”

“Uh, through the door?”

“The door? Like a peasant?”

Alternate timeline/universe 5

I felt the wood splinter slightly beneath my foot as I kicked the huge double doors in. I felt them hit a body before swinging all the way open and crashing into the walls, making the entire room shudder.

“'MURICA! FUCK YEAH!” I yelled, spinning Luna and Celestia around my fingers.

Alternate timeline/universe 6

I felt the wood splinter slightly beneath my foot as I kicked the huge double doors in. I felt them hit a body before swinging all the way open and crashing into the walls, making the entire room shudder.

“'STRALIA MATE!” I yelled, spinning Luna and Celestia around my fingers.

Alternate timeline/universe 7

I felt the wood splinter slightly beneath my foot as I kicked the huge double doors in. I felt them hit a body before swinging all the way open and crashing into the walls, making the entire room shudder.

“HUMANITY AT ITS FINEST!” I yelled, spinning Luna and Celestia around my fingers.

Alternate timeline/universe 8

I felt the wood splinter slightly beneath my foot as I kicked the huge double doors in. I felt them hit a body before swinging all the way open and crashing into the walls, making the entire room shudder.

“Did somebody want an assassin?” I looked down at the bleeding body of Blueblood. “Surely somebody wants to pay me for that?”

Alternate timeline/universe 9

I felt the wood splinter slightly beneath my foot as I kicked the huge double doors in. I felt them hit a body before swinging all the way open and crashing into the walls, making the entire room shudder.

“HERE'S WARDO!” I yelled, spinning Luna and Celestia around my fingers.

Alternate timeline/universe $

I felt the wood splinter slightly beneath my foot as I kicked the huge double doors in. I felt them hit a body before swinging all the way open and crashing into the walls, making the entire room shudder.

“CAPITALISM!” I yelled, spinning Luna and Celestia around my fingers whilst money rained down around me.

4l73rN473 71M3l1N3/Un1V3R53 L33T

1 ph3L7 73H W00D 5PL1n73r 5L1Gh7Ly 83N347h My ph007 42 1 K1Ck3D 73h hUg3 D0U8l3 D00R2 1n. 1 pH3L7 7h3M h17 4 80DY 83f0r3 5w1NG1N' 4lL 73h W4Y 0p3N 4nD Cr45h1n' 1n70 73h W4LL2, m4k1n' 73h 3N71r3 R00m 5HUdd3R.

“2 L337!” 1 Y3LL3D, 5p1Nn1N' Lun4 4nD c3L35714 4R0UND My Ph1Ng3r2.

Alternate timeline/universe Gangsta

I felt tha wood splinter slightly beneath mah foot as I kicked tha big-ass double doors in. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. I felt dem hit a funky-ass body before swingin all tha way open n' crashin tha fuck into tha walls, makin tha entire room shudder.

"WEED!" I holla'd, spinnin Luna n' Celestia round mah fingers.

Alternate timeline / mundi Latin

Ego novi: Sine eiiciam festucam de lignis leviter sub pedibus, ut in calce ingens hit ostia i sensit corpore, ego animus per omnia, et in lapide iter in urbem, ut omnis locus, et contremiscunt.

"Stultitia!" Et dederunt vocem suam, et Luna Caelestibus nere inter digitos meos.

01000001011011000111010001100101011100100110111001100001011101000110010100100000011101000110100101101101011001010110110001101001011011100110010100101111011101010110111001101001011101100110010101110010011100110110010100100000011000100110100101101110011000010111001001111001000011010000101000001101000010100100100100100000011001100110010101101100011101000010000001110100011010000110010100100000011101110110111101101111011001000010000001110011011100000110110001101001011011100111010001100101011100100010000001110011011011000110100101100111011010000111010001101100011110010010000001100010011001010110111001100101011000010111010001101000001000000110110101111001001000000110011001101111011011110111010000100000011000010111001100100000010010010010000001101011011010010110001101101011011001010110010000100000011101000110100001100101001000000110100001110101011001110110010100100000011001000110111101110101011000100110110001100101001000000110010001101111011011110111001001110011001000000110100101101110001011100010000001001001001000000110011001100101011011000111010000100000011101000110100001100101011011010010000001101000011010010111010000100000011000010010000001100010011011110110010001111001001000000110001001100101011001100110111101110010011001010010000001110011011101110110100101101110011001110110100101101110011001110010000001100001011011000110110000100000011101000110100001100101001000000111011101100001011110010010000001101111011100000110010101101110001000000110000101101110011001000010000001100011011100100110000101110011011010000110100101101110011001110010000001101001011011100111010001101111001000000111010001101000011001010010000001110111011000010110110001101100011100110010110000100000011011010110000101101011011010010110111001100111001000000111010001101000011001010010000001100101011011100111010001101001011100100110010100100000011100100110111101101111011011010010000001110011011010000111010101100100011001000110010101110010001011100000110100001010000011010000101010010011010110010100111100100001100101000010000001001001001000000111100101100101011011000110110001100101011001000010110000100000011100110111000001101001011011100110111001101001011011100110011100100000010011000111010101101110011000010010000001100001011011100110010000100000010000110110010101101100011001010111001101110100011010010110000100100000011000010111001001101111011101010110111001100100001000000110110101111001001000000110011001101001011011100110011101100101011100100111001100101110

Author's Note

Discord needs to stop doing innuendo.

41: BONUS 4: A steamy love affair.

Author's Note

This was quick to write ;)
I really...
Got into it.

41: BONUS 4: A steamy love affair.

Honor the Dead
by BinaryTroll
Pre-read/Edited by Honored Service
Chapter 41: BONUS 4: “A steamy love affair.”

There was a bath. And ponies. And steam.

And a foursome.

And one was a changeling.

And nopony found out.

And love was in the air.

Literally.

Like, so much love it could kill you.

Good thing Vi has a big stomach.

And a big

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Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue Hue

Happy pi day.

1c + 3p = fun