Celestia's Kobayashi Maru
War Games of the Mind
When Princess Celestia opened her eyes, she was surprised to see only a dark void in front of her. Blackness surrounded her like a cloak, yet she could still see her hooves in front of her face. While pondering her predicament, she heard a voice.
"I hope you don't mind me bringing you here on such short notice, Princess. Of course, that's wishful thinking, considering this is you we're talking about."
Right away, Celestia recognized the voice. Her eyes narrowed. "Discord."
Sure enough, the Master of Chaos himself appeared in a flash of light, in all of his mismatched glory. "You were expecting maybe King Sombra?" he asked jokingly.
"It seems you were able to escape from your prison again," Celestia said, more angry than afraid. "Dare I ask how?"
"I probably shouldn't say," said Discord, twiddling his fingers and casting his gaze upward. "I'll just mention that it involves a two-by-four, a dollop of fairy dust, and a potato."
Celestia rolled her eyes. "I knew it would be impossible to get a straight answer out of you," she muttered. "I suppose you won't bother telling me where I am, either."
"Well, don't be so quick to judge, Princess," said Discord indignantly, crossing his mismatched arms. "Just for that, I will tell you where you are right now, and why I brought you here. How do you like them apples?"
He snapped his fingers, and several apples impaled themselves on Celestia's horn. Celestia gave Discord a deadpan glare.
"Alright, let's get this out of the way," said Discord. "We are currently outside of reality. I have brought you here because I wish to issue a challenge to you."
"A challenge?" asked Celestia, raising an eyebrow. "What sort of challenge?"
"Oh, it's nothing much," said Discord simply. "Just a simple game I've devised during my imprisonment. Here, I'll set it up and explain the rules."
Celestia became even more skeptical. "Rules?" she parroted. "Discord, you're chaos incarnate. There are no rules with you around."
"Well, you got me there," Discord admitted. "However, there's a lot of room for interpretation, which makes this game all the more interesting. Now, I'll just set this up..."
He then snapped his fingers. Right before Celestia's eyes, a map of Equestria unfurled.
"This will be our game board," Discord explained. "And these will be our pieces."
Another snap of his fingers, and the board was decorated with miniature statues of every creature that has ever inhabited Equestria, both virtuous and vile. Taking a closer look, Celestia found that the craftsmanship on the statues was superb, almost lifelike.
"Now, as you may have guessed, this is a war game," said Discord. "Your army has to defeat mine. Simple as that. Oh, and just to make it more interesting, the winner gets to dictate Equestria's future. So, are you game?"
"Not so fast," said Celestia, giving Discord the evil eye. "What's the catch?"
"Oh, come on. Am I really that untrustworthy, Princess?" said Discord, sounding insulted. "Why must you always assume that there's a catch? What if the catch is there is no catch?"
Celestia became perplexed. "So, there's no catch?"
"No, of course there is," said Discord, as if this fact was self-evident. "Seriously, you've known me for how long?"
Celestia rubbed the bridge of her nose with her hoof. "Alright, fine. What's the catch?"
"I'm glad you asked," said Discord with a sly grin. "See, everything that happens on this board happens in real life, and visa versa. I don't think I need to go into the implications of that, do I?"
Celestia blanched. Indeed, Discord did not need to expound any further. If she played this game, she would essentially be removing the free will of her subjects. They would have no say in her decisions; no ideas or strategies of their own. They would simply march blindly forward, carrying out her will and her will alone. The very thought made her sick to her stomach.
"Well, if you don't have any more questions, I'd say it's time we got started," said Discord. "I hope you don't mind if I move first."
Celestia didn't respond. Her attention was focused solely on the board. Her eyes shifted from piece to piece, each one looking more lifelike than the last. She bit her lip and closed her eyes. Discord simply shrugged.
"Alright then," he said, stroking his goatee in thought. "Hmm. I, think I'll open up with my changeling army attacking the Crystal Empire."
With a snap of his fingers, a crowd of changelings surrounded the city to the very north.
"There. That should be a good opening move," he said, pleased with himself. "Okay, Princess. Your turn."
Celestia muttered something incomprehensible.
"Hmm?"
More mumbling.
"Didn't quite catch that."
Celestia looked up at Discord, her eyes burning with the passion of a thousand suns. "I said I'm not playing."
Discord raised an eyebrow. "Oh? And why not?" he inquired.
"If you think that I am going to stoop down to your level, you're crazier than I thought," Celestia said bluntly. "My subjects are not puppets or mindless drones. They are individuals, and I treat them as such. I will not take part in this madness and force them to fight just for the sake of a game."
She expected Discord to be insulted by this refusal, but surprisingly, he took it rather well.
"Okay, if you insist," he said with a snap of his fingers.
Suddenly, all of the pieces on the board began moving on their own. Both sides charged at each other, meeting in the middle of the board in a great brawl. Celestia couldn't believe her eyes.
"Wh-what do you think you're doing?!" she demanded.
"Well, if you're not gonna play, then we might as well let the pieces sort it out themselves," said Discord with a shrug. "Of course, without any form of guidance, it's most likely that Equestria will be destroyed. But hey, at least it's going out with a bang."
Celestia snorted angrily. "You stop this right now, Discord!"
"Only if you agree to play the game," Discord retorted. "Come now, Princess. You've made difficult decisions to save Equestria before, haven't you?"
Celestia felt her body tense up all over. She hated to admit it, but Discord was right. There was a time when she put the safety of Equestria before her moral qualms. That was when she banished Nightmare Moon, over a thousand years ago. But this was different. This was far, far worse. It wasn't just banishing her sister, though goodness knows that was bad enough. It was treating her subjects like playing pieces and taking away what made them who they were. She honestly didn't know if she had the heart to do it.
But by the same token, she couldn't simply abandon her ponies in their hour of need. They relied on her every day. They counted on her to protect them. They knew that she would not abandon them when they needed her the most. An uneasy feeling brewed within her heart as she watched the war in Equestria unfold.
"Tick tock, Princess," said Discord, looking at a watch that magically appeared on his wrist. "You have to make a decision. What's more important to you? Your principles, or your ponies?"
That's the problem. They're both important to me, Celestia thought, leering at Discord with all the spite she could muster. Curse you, Discord. Curse you to the depth of Tartarus.
"Just FYI, not making a decision is in and of itself making a decision," said Discord in a very matter-of-fact tone. "So, I suggest you hurry it up."
Celestia closed her eyes and racked her brain. She tried her best to center herself in peaceful meditation, despite the sounds of battle emanating from the game pieces. She thought and thought for what felt like hours. Finally, her eyes snapped open.
"My ponies are more important," she said firmly.
"Very well then," said Discord with a snap of his fingers. Just like that, the board reset. "And since I'm such a nice guy, I'm going to let you go first this time. So, what's your opener?"
"You misunderstand, Discord," said Celestia. "I'm not making a move."
Discord tilted his head. "Um, excuse me, Princess, but I'm the one who's not suppose to make sense. It's rather rude of you to steal my role like that."
"Then let me clarify," said Celestia, determination in her voice. "I want you to send me back to Equestria. If I'm going to fight you, I'll fight you not as a strategist, but as a fellow soldier. My little ponies are not dolls, and I refuse to abandon them to your twisted designs. As such, I shall fight against your army alongside them and be their source of strength. That is the only way I'm going to play your little game, Discord. Take it, or leave it."
A heavy silence filled the void as Discord's face became unreadable. Celestia stared him down, waiting to see what his reaction would be. She figured that he would be suave and say "Well played," or perhaps he would become enraged and rant about how she circumvented his no-win scenario by cheating. So she was surprised when his reaction turned out to be neither. He simply, sighed.
"So, that's it, is it?" he said, a tinge of melancholy in his voice. "You're just going to go back to Equestria and leave me here all alone? A game isn't fun if you have to play it by yourself, you know."
"Well, I don't see this as a game," said Celestia firmly. "I see it for what it is: A threat against my nation that I must deal with."
Discord shook his head. "I had no idea you were so cruel, Princess," he said, sounding disappointed. "And this was going to be so much fun, too. It would've been a true clash of the titans; a battle of wits and wills like no other. Your order against my chaos. Your harmony against my disharmony. My strategy of winning at all costs and making any sacrifices I had to against your tactics of keeping everypony alive no matter what. Wouldn't that have been exciting? Tell me that wouldn't have been exciting."
"That's not the word I'd use, Discord. You know that," Celestia said coldly.
"Well, pardon me for wanting to play a friendly little game with you," said Discord with a pout. "As a matter of fact, I didn't set this up with any malicious intent in mind. I just wanted us to have a bit of fun. Is that so wrong?"
Celestia blinked. "Fun? Discord, holding Equestria and everypony that lives there hostage is not 'fun.' Why in the world would you even think that I'd accept this barbaric challenge?"
"I dunno," said Discord with a shrug. "You play games with ponies all the time."
"Yes, but not like this," said Celestia. "This is not the kind of game friends play with one another."
Discord folded his arms and snorted. "Well now, how was I supposed to know that?" he said. "I never had a friend."
Celestia's eyes widened in astonishment. She didn't expect those words to come out of Discord's mouth. "Wh-what did you say?"
"I said I never had a friend," Discord repeated, looking a bit confused. "You, act like you don't know this."
"N-no, I do. I mean, I never thought about it per se, but..."
Celestia's mind worked furiously, making her unable to formulate a complete thought. Discord was all about destroying friendship. He was a monster trying to spread chaos wherever he went. That being the case, why did he act like he was just inviting Celestia over for a game of checkers? Why did he sound so sad when Celestia escaped his trap? Why did he seem so, lonely?
Once again, thoughts of her sister Luna entered her mind. It was her jealousy and loneliness that made her Nightmare Moon. And it was for those reasons that Celestia banished her. But when she came back, Celestia asked her a simple question.
Will you accept my friendship?
She accepted, of course. But now that Celestia thought about it, would Discord have done the same? She shook her head. No, of course he wouldn't. He hated her. He hated everything she stood for. But was that an excuse not to try? When he broke out of his stone prison, was turning him back to stone the right course of action?
Of course it was, Celestia thought. He was destroying Equestria. He had to be stopped.
"You'll get no argument from me," said Discord, as if hearing the princess's thoughts. "But still, why offer your hoof in friendship to your sister and not to me? I mean, I don't mind in the slightest. You're a persnickety, uptight stick-in-the-mud who wants everything to be just so. I wouldn't really want to be your friend. However, I find it fascinating that you didn't extend an olive branch to me. Mainly because, well, it doesn't make any sense. And there you go, stealing my role again. It's actually kinda funny when you think about it."
He then began to chuckle. Although there was mirth in his tone, Celestia could sense a distinct undertone of sorrow. She had no idea what to make of this. Suddenly, she heard a curious noise coming from her body. Looking down, she gasped in horror as she saw that the very tips of her hooves were turning grey. The color slowly spread out, covering her legs and tail and working its way up. Her heart began to pound in her chest.
"No. No, this isn't right!" she cried as the last bits of color disappeared from her body. "H-how was I suppose to...? I mean, he never... It's not the... NO!"
***
Princess Celestia awoke in a cold sweat. Breathing heavily, she surveyed her surroundings, and found herself in her Meditation Chamber back in Canterlot. Slowly, she caught her breath.
"Your Highness!" exclaimed a guard, bursting into the chamber.
Celestia jumped. Normally, nopony was supposed to disturb her while she was meditating.
"I apologize for the interruption, but I heard a scream," said the guard with a bow. "Is everything alright?"
Celestia took a deep breath to calm herself. "Everything is fine," she said as she exhaled. "It was just, a vision."
"I see," said the guard. "Is there anything I can do, Your Highness?"
Celestia paused for a moment, reflecting on the nightmarish vision she had just experienced. Could it be true? Was this the reason behind Discord's actions? She couldn't be sure. But one thought resonated in her mind.
I never had a friend.
Celestia mulled over Discord's words in her own head, repeating them again and again. Finally, an epiphany struck her, and a ghost of a smile formed on her muzzle.
Well then, we'll just have to rectify that, she thought. She then turned to the guard. "There is something you can do, actually. Ready two sky chariots for my departure. I am going to Ponyville."
"Two?" asked the guard, tilting his head. "Why two?"
"Someone shall be accompanying me," Celestia answered. "Discord."
The guard was taken aback by this request. "D-Discord, Your Highness? Are you sure?"
"I am indeed. And bring the Elements of Harmony as well," said Celestia. "I'll explain later."
The guard wasn't sure what to make of this, but knew better than to question the Princess. "Of course, Your Highness," he said with a bow. And with that, he trotted off.
Celestia then left her Meditation Chamber and went to her study, where she took out a quill and a piece of parchment. She breathed a deep sigh and began to write.
Dear Twilight Sparkle, My Most Faithful Student:
Today, I shall be paying a visit to Ponyville, along with a very important guest. Please meet me at the outskirts of town, along with all of your friends. All will be explained upon my arrival.
Hope to see you soon,
Princess Celestia
Author's Note
Note that this isn't strictly my headcanon as to why Celestia decided to free Discord in Keep Calm and Flutter On. I just had this story idea sitting around for a long time, and I decided to use it.
Once again, special thanks to Celestias Paladin for assisting me with the conceptualization of this piece.
