The Choices You Never Forget

by Subsolar Drift

Rating: teen
Tags: Princess Celestia, Tragedy, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Sad
Length: 4270

Celestia reflects on the cyclical nature of her relationships with powerful unicorns and corruption.

Life is filled with choices. There are the choices that we are proud of, the ones that help and are good. There are choices we regret, ones that had unforeseen consequences.

There are the choices that no one should ever have to face. Choices whose consequences would either damn you, or damn millions. Choices that change history. Choices that will stay with you until the day you die.

Edited by the awesome Nonagon

Published 2013-04-26 06:30:02 UTC
Last updated 2013-04-26 06:30:02 UTC

Uncertainty

The Choices You Never Forget

by Subsolar Drift

I will never forget that day, as long as I live. I will never forget the moment I felt the surge of power from the tower. For the first time in centuries, I was afraid. It was a power the likes of which I hadn’t felt in almost a thousand years. Besides myself, there was only one pony who was ever capable of producing that much power.

Memories I’d hidden away and avoided for the longest time came to my mind. I remembered her laugh, her smile, the little gleam in her eye when she’d planned something mischievous.

I remembered the tears in her eyes. I remembered every word of her screaming at me. I remembered the look of betrayal she gave me. I remembered the way I’d pleaded for her to listen to me. I remember how she forced my hoof. I could still see her face, contorted in agony and rage. I could still hear that terrible scream.

A loud crash echoed through the streets, breaking my from my thoughts. The pit in my stomach only grew deeper as I turned to where both the sound and the power had emanated. I stared in shock at the head of a dragon which stuck out of the tower. I felt the dragon with my magic and my fears were confirmed. A spell had been cast on it by the exact same power. Knowing what I must do, I teleported to the tower.

With a sense of apprehension, I came to the door behind which the power lay. I took a deep breath in and prepared myself for the worst. Opening the door, I saw something I had never expected.

There, in the front of the room, was a filly, and was from this little foal that all the power came. Taking quick stock of the room, I noticed the other ponies, trapped in an antimagic field. Comprehension hit me like a train. This little foal had been trying to get into my school. Prospective students had to pass one final test before they were enrolled. They were all given a task that couldn't be solved at all to teach them that failure is something that we all have to deal with. Somehow, this little foal had managed to turn a fake egg into a living dragon.

Feeling sick, I slowly stepped towards the filly and placed my hoof on her shoulder. This much magic in any one pony was too dangerous, the past had proved that. For the good of all life and for the safety of every pony in Equestria, I steeled myself for what I had to do.

She turned around and our eyes met, power surging within her, with the constructs of a crude spell being made. I prepared myself for the blow that the spell would deliver and gathered my own magic. She had just shown why it was necessary to take action, so why did I feel so wrong?

Everything else in the room faded away as I gazed into the eyes of the young mare that were white with power. I knew what I had to do. I had to make sure no harm would come to the ponies of Equestria, at all costs. I began to form a spell of my own, an ancient one that only I knew.

As I looked into her eyes and prepared to act, something in them changed. The white power began to fade and her own eyes returned with a shocked expression. Her spell fell apart without any power being given to it, but mine didn’t. I had to do this, I couldn’t risk the deaths of more innocent ponies. I couldn't let what happened with Nightmare Moon happen again. I would make the right choice this time. I would erase this young mare, and every trace of her, from existence.

My breath caught in my throat. I was too weak. I couldn’t cast the spell. I couldn’t bring myself to destroy this little foal, so I dispelled the remnants of her and my magic from the room.

She looked up at me fearfully. On the outside I smiled. On the inside I wondered if I had made a choice that would doom Equestria.

I took her under my wing as my student so I could keep an eye on her as she grew. I hoped that under my tutelage the good I saw in her heart would prevail. Maybe this time everything would be fine. I taught her control and theory for her magic. Her skill increased as she ate up every piece of information I gave. She was kind and happy, and as I watched her my hope grew. I felt that she could be my greatest triumph, this filly whose magic was near uncontrollable, taught to control something that could corrupt her.

Her eagerness and love of knowledge was infectious and endearing. I found myself growing closer to her than I had ever intended. For some time, I wondered if I should distance myself from her. Whatever I did, I couldn't let my affection for her blind me. I decided against it, telling myself I could put Equestria first even though I proved once already I could not. I chose my heart over Equestria. I came to love that little filly like a daughter.

My heart ached and I feared for her future as I watched her grow. The older she got, the further she exiled herself from society. She began to value knowledge above all, and with that I saw the darkness begin to work its influence upon her. More so than ever before, her curiosity grew. She sought knowledge of everything, even that which I wish on no pony. Her solitude, like that of my sister, would have doomed us all.

I had sworn to myself that I would never make the same mistake again and so I acted. I sent her off to Ponyville, for the good of her and the good of the world. The time had come for my sister’s return, and I was not strong enough face her myself. My student, however, contained enough power in her to stop my sister. I sealed my heart and my last hope that my sister could be saved. One evil against another. I knew of my sister's most terrible spells, and when met by a strength like my student's, she would try to steal her magic. I wept that night.

I will never forget that day. The day my sister was returned to me. After all I had done, and I had been through, my Luna was returned to me. She was whole and well, restored to her old self. My student had done what I had never even considered possible. The dark magic corruption had been washed away.

I shed many tears that day, tears of happiness and tears of hatred. My sister had returned to me, pure and good once more. My student had met five friends and with them used the Elements of Harmony, and what I had seen of corruption had seeped from her. And when I looked at her, all I could see was the little foal, whom I had intended to kill.

She chose to stay with her friends, and so I let her. Here she would be safe, from herself and me. I stayed close to her, though through correspondence mainly. I kept a close eye on what she did, watching for any signs of danger. Though my sister tried to assuage me of my worries, I was still unsure. So I watched carefully.

At last, the time came when she had learned all I had tried to teach her. She was good and pure, without a hint of darkness upon her. She had the control and the mind she needed. Her magic grew to the point that it could no longer be held within her body. For the second time in my life, I helped a pony I loved reach immortality. And for a second time, I sealed my fate.

She became an alicorn. Her magic grew more and she became an equal to me in power. She would be able to help so many more ponies and share her knowledge with the world. I felt sure that she would be happy to help the world grow, and for a time she was. Though she saw harsh times, and horrible things, she was always able to find something to keep her happy. And so in the company of her friends she passed the years as Equestria came into a golden age.

The sparks of Harmony inside each one of her friends made their lives wonderful, and longer than most ponies, but one by one, each came to their fate. As all mortals must, they fell to the passage of time. I watched, helpless, as with every departure, something died inside her as well. She hurt, and I hurt. I did all I could to console her, as did my sister. At first it seemed that she would be okay. She mourned, but she still smiled. She still did her best for all the ponies of Equestria and she was happy. Or so I thought.

My sister was wiser than I and saw the pain she hid. Perhaps Luna could see because all those years ago, it was her who was the lonely one. But ever so slowly, my faithful student began to withdraw from the world. She went out less and less, and only when required. At times, we wouldn’t see her for days on end. I tried to talk to her, but she said she merely wanted some time to herself. And so I made perhaps the worst mistake I have ever made. I left her to herself. She disappeared from the public eye and from my own. While I could not watch over her, my worst fear came true. Her magic corrupted her.

I only discovered when worried after her longest absence, I went to look for her. She was gone, vanished, and nopony knew where to. My sister and I searched across the land and much of the world, but try as we might, we could not locate her. She had vanished from the face of the planet. At last, we had to return to ruling Equestria. And so, as time passed, history came to forget that there had ever been three Princesses of Equestria.

Eventually, Luna and I lost hope. For centuries we lived in regret, feeling like there must have been something we could have done, some way we could have helped her. After some time, we came to accept the fact that she was gone. We gave up all hope that she would come back again and we went on with our lives.

Centuries passed, and Luna and I ruled. We spread peace around the world, and most places were happy. Luna moved off to the other side of the world, watching over a growing province of Equestria, and was happy. We saw each other often and kept a good relationship, but I still became lonely. I longed for my faithful student to once again be by my side. My sister encouraged me to take on another student, butI could never bring myself to. The thought of teaching another pony only brought painful memories of her back.

I forced myself to stop thinking about her. I locked the memories of her deep inside my mind and sealed away anything that reminded me of her. I never went anywhere at sunset. Time heals all wounds, and it healed mine. I became happier and more carefree once again and all was well.

I will never forget the day she returned. It was a quiet day during the court hours, and nopony had yet been to see me. And then she just walked right in, like all those years before. She looked around the throne room and at all of the stained glass windows. Her eyes eventually settled on one of a setting sun sitting behind the throne. She had a small half-smile on her face. She gestured towards the window and said, “I guess even after all this time, you didn’t truly forget about me.”

Tears rolled down my face as I sat there in shock. I swallowed and tried to form words, but nothing could come out from my mouth. I struggled to rise to my hooves as my legs shook and my breaths were shortened. I rushed towards her wanting to wrap her in my embrace. Maybe if she could forgive me for what I had done, I could forgive myself.

“No.” The word stopped me dead in my tracks. Any trace of happiness I had seen in her face was gone as I stared at her in shock. “No, you do not get to come and hug me. Not after everything that you’ve done.” Silence hung in the air.

“Tw—” She shot me a silent glare that cut the words off before I could continue.

“Do you know what you did to me?” she asked, beginning to pace around the throne room. “You ruined my life. I was happy in Ponyville. Everything was fine until I became an alicorn.” She took a deep, shuddering breath, as if trying to keep herself from tears. “I thought that everything would be fine. But as time went on, I saw it in my friends.” She stopped and stared at me with dead eyes. Those eyes brought fear to me once more. They were the eyes of a mad mare. The eyes of a killer.

“They aged, they got sick. I got to stand by and watch them die, one-by-one.” She spat, the anger still never reaching her eyes. “My first and greatest friends, each to pass on, knowing I could never join them.” She turned away from me and I took a shuddering breath trying desperately to maintain my composure.

“It hurt more than anything else I’ve ever experienced. Pain worse than having my heart torn from my chest.” Her voice grew wistful. “And so I mourned them for a time and tried to do as everypony suggests. I tried to move on for a time, and every now and then it seemed that maybe everything would be fine.” She stopped, and I could only stand there in stunned silence.

“But soon enough, everything I see reminds me of them. Every second is like losing them once more, only made worse that every day I live I know I will never see my last.” Her voice was chilling and monotonous as she once more began to circle me.

“And when I’m hurting more than I’ve ever hurt before, the pony who knows me better than anypony else, the pony who taught me everything I know, leaves me to suffer alone.” Her eyes were like daggers digging into me, forcing me to maintain eye contact.

But at last, I was able to find words. “Y-you told me to leave you be. I just wanted to give you the time you needed!” I stammered.

She merely scoffed. “I didn’t need time. I needed a shoulder to cry on. I pushed you away, desperately hoping you would come back anyway. Hoping you cared enough about me to make sure I was okay.” Her words are the final blow to my world, shattering everything. It was all my fault. Silent sobs wracked my body as she continued.

“I learned the truth that day. You never cared about me. For the longest time I lied to myself, hoping and praying that I was something more to you. More than just some pony you taught. I loved you Celestia, like I loved my mother.”

She walked up to me and tilted my head up so that our eyes met. “But you never loved me. All you ever wanted to do was prevent disaster. That and save your sister. ” Her words were a knife to my heart. The pain was visible on my face for she spoke again. “The truth hurts more than any spell or weapon, doesn’t it?

“With the power I had, I would be a danger to others. So you brought me under your wing and taught me to control myself. You only cared for the safety of ‘your little ponies’. When I had power, I wasn’t a pony to you anymore. I was a threat.”

“You were so much more,” I whispered. “I loved you so much. You were the daughter I never had.”

“Then why did you never come find me?” she said, voice filled with contempt. But even as her voice and body showed her emotions, her dead eyes never changed.

“You don’t think I tried?” I asked in shock. “I spent all the time I could searching for you.”

“You’re immortal! If you’d spent all the time you could have searching for me, you would’ve found me!” she screamed.

The tears continued to roll down my face. “I had to run a country. I did my best, but I couldn’t drop everything no matter how much I wanted to.”

“So that’s it, then,” she stated simply after a moment’s pause. “I should’ve known.
Country before all else.” We both stood in silence, my lack of a response proof to us both that she’d been correct.

Finally, I asked the only question that could be asked. “Why are you here? What do you want from me?”

She gave a short, derisive laugh. “What do I want? Well, that’s simple. Do you know where I’ve been all these years?” she asked, not waiting for a response before continuing. “I’ve grown tired of life. My every waking moment is like a knife in my heart. Everything I see only brings back memories of the ones I love. Even now I can see Pinkie here, trying to cheer me up, or Fluttershy coming in and sweeping me into a hug, making everything okay. I couldn't live with that... so I decided to die. But I can’t.” My world fell away from me as she spoke calmly.

“No matter what I tried, I could not die. I explored everything I could think of. I tried every weapon, every spell, every creature, every monster. I threw myself from the highest cliffs and trapped myself in the deepest of oceans.” As she went on, emotion finally came to her eyes. It was a twisted joy that made me feel sick. “I felt so much pain, that at last it was all I could rely on. That and my magic. For the last 4,375 years I have spent every last moment trying desperately to kill myself so I can finally have peace. So what do I want, Celestia?" She asked, her voice rising. "What do I want from the pony who ruined my life? What do I want from the pony who used my and then cast me aside!" The room fell deathly silent. "I want you to kill me.”

I could only watch her in horror and revulsion. “Twilight...” I muttered. “I’m so sorry. For everything. But I can’t do that.” As she spoke, I had seen it. The corruption of her magic, just as I had seen it in my sister thousands of years before.

She let out another hollow chuckle. “I didn’t think you’d be able to. Very well, I’ll just have to make you kill me.” She was gone in the blink of an eye, but I could sense her power. Icy dread ran through my veins as I teleported to where she was.

We were high in the air above Canterlot, and I was already too late. A blinding flash of light and an incredible surge of power issued from her. I screamed as pain tore through me, but managed to avoid being hit by the main force behind the spell.

When I recovered I blinked as she hovered in the air, a twisted grin on her face. I hadn’t been the target. I looked down to where Canterlot had been. there was nothing left. Where millions had once lived and worked, there was only a smoldering crater.

In an instant as I observed, she was upon me, casting spells that were never supposed to be used. Many I were familiar with from ancient past, others I knew she had created. Each was more horrific than the last and I struggled to dodge and avoid the blows. I had no time to fight back, using all my energy to keep myself intact. She had fought me to the ground, and as she landed I had an instant’s chance that I took. I recovered quickly from her last blow and fired on of my own that hit her squarely in the chest, knocking her off guard and to the ground, but she quickly got up.

Rage and disgust filled me. Anything I looked at made me sick to my stomach. I struggled to keep control over my emotions, knowing that if I let myself lose control I would stand no chance. Slowly, a cool calm overcame me. She was not the pony I loved anymore. Guilt tried to fight its way to the surface, but I quickly quelled it, focusing on the pony before me.

Now on even footing and both ready for the other, the fight was near equal. She was much more harsh in her spells and tactics, but I had more experience in battle. Despite this all ,I was being worn down, for she seemed to have never-ending stamina. She was so used to immense pain that none of the spells I cast could faze her, only physically knock her around.

We fought, both unaware of the time passing, focussing only on the other and their movements. Finally, she tired and flew high into the sky. “You care for the lives of your ponies more than you ever cared for me! Maybe now I can show you an inkling of how I’ve felt.” A soft glow of light issued from around her as pinpricks of energy formed, each carrying more power than any one unicorn could hope to summon. “Hopeless,” she whispered as the beams of magic shot out across the world, honing towards the cities that lay in the distance.

Dread filled my stomach as I watched, thinking as hard as I could trying to find some way to save the lives. I quickly cast as spell of my own and watched as a third of the pinpricks vanished, having hit barriers I placed in their way, but the rest found their targets. The lights fell onto cities and towns everywhere. Where they struck buildings collapsed, dust rose into the air, and death followed. My worst nightmare had come true. For the second time I had made a monster.

“I guess I was really meant to have no happiness in the end after all,” she said without emotion. She began to prepare a spell as she spoke. “I can’t let you stay free. I will imprison you, and make the ancients of the world rise.” My eyes widened in horror. Noticing this, she chuckled darkly. “Yes, I’ve learned of them in the time I’ve been gone. Surely creatures more powerful than you and Discord combined can kill me.”

Something in my magic changed that instant. For the first time for over six thousand years, I felt the Elements of Harmony in me again. There was only once choice to make. She was a threat to all life, and Elements could not let the ancients rise again.

With tears in my eyes I acted. I called on the Elements of Harmony. Under my control, they turned their power on their old master for the second time.

I will never forget her scream. I will never forget the cold, emotionless eyes, staring into my own as the rainbow magic blasted her. I will never forget sitting there for days on end weeping until at last my sister found me. I will never forget my faithful student.

Now I stand here nine hundred eighty-seven years later, witnessing for the third time a pony with unparalleled skills in magic. She is smiling brightly up at me, just as my sister and my faithful student did countless times. Her eyes are sparkling, full of awe and wonder. She is young with a long future ahead of her. Her family stand proudly behind her, not knowing the danger their foal could possess.

In my head, I am hearing the screams of the two ponies I have loved more than any other. I can hear their accusations. I can hear their claims of the horrible crimes I have committed. I can hear my own silence in response. I can hear their madness. I can hear them turning against all that they believed in. I can hear one swearing to shroud the world in eternal night. I can hear the other asking me to kill her.

Everything I have ever gone through is telling me to kill this young pony while I can, before millions pay the price. Everything I believe in is telling me that it would be an atrocity to kill her and that I can teach her to overcome the past and what has happened to others.

And so I stand here, a choice before me, with no idea what to do.

Author's Note

Thank you for reading! I hope you enjoyed it. Big thanks to Nonagon for his proofreading.