EOE

by teslakana

Rating: teen
Tags: Alternate Universe, Comedy, Random, Adventure, Crossover, Human
Length: 4209

a simple Latios in equestria or LiE

[sequel to ALG on DA]
(not the best story in the world i know)
through the power of portals and flash-bangs telsa finds himself in the supposed 'magical' land of equestria
but is it magical? will telsa ever find his way back home? or will he be stuck in a land of ponies for the remainder of his life?

[characters subject to be OOC]

(not to be taken seriously, made completely out of boredom(and lemon and ginger tea, and blue bolt)

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2013-03-29 10:15:23 UTC

chapter the first

EOE

{}- indicates thoughts

Portals

I've now come to (sort of) hate them

Or is it just discord?

I don’t know, one moment I’m I the cavern of the lunar isles, the next moment I’m in ANOTHER BLOODY FOREST being confronted by/introduced to what look like pastel multi-Technicolor ponies, two with wings, one with a horn, one with both wings and a horn, and two "normal" ones

(Another note; this is a sequel to ALG/EG go read that on DA first)

"Where the hell am I?" I asked looking at nobody in particular.

"You speak Equestrian?" the lavender/purple one asked

"You speak English?" my jaw dropped slightly

"No, you're speaking Equestrian. And very well too." she replied

"Sorry, I think we need to start at the beginning, my name is Twilight Sparkle and this is Spike,” she said indicating the dragon standing next to her.

"Hi!" Spike said.

"Right back at ya” I smiled

"So, twilight, care to introduce your 'company'" I gestured behind her

She was about to speak when an almost to-loud-to-be-real roar almost deafened us

I turned behind me to face whatever it was that had caused the uproar, only to find myself face-to-face with one of the ugliest creatures I’ve ever seen

It had the face and body of a lion, wings like a bat and the tail of a scorpion

"Lemme at him so I can roast him" I heard blaze maniacally laugh

"One well roasted 'THING' coming right up, for those of you who have weak stomachs look away now" I grinned, turning back to the "ponies"

"What’re you going to do, burn it?" the cyan one asked, grinning devilishly

"Something like that" I chuckled

Just as I turned to face the manticore, I "side-stepped" avoiding the tail that came crashing down upon me

"That the BEST you got?" I grinned evilly, earning myself another loud roar

I smiled, generating a crystal sword in one set of claws, a demi-giant crystal fist in the other, culminating in a few loud gasps from behind me

The tail came down again, but not before I grabbed it, pulled it, then snapped it off

"Same boring strategies twice in a row how stupid ARE you?" I yawned. Throwing the tail into the tree-line

you know, for a second there I thought I saw what looked like a tear in its eyes, right before it turned metaphorical tail and ran off, leading a small trail of blood in its direction

"I’ll have you for breakfast yet!" I yelled laughing all the while

I turned back to "twilight, degenerating the sword and fist all the while

"So where were-" I noticed that all but the cyan one and twilight had ran off I could hear the bushes rustling rather loudly

"b-breakfast" twilight stuttered

"Don’t worry, I won't eat you, pony-" I was cut off again, this time by a seemingly all-powerful presence or presences I knew not which at that moment

I looked up to find myself staring at one of the strangest beings if ever seen

There was a new addition to the already somewhat large group

It looked like the cyan one, only with a horn and being a perfect white color (coat?)

and what looked like a type of gold necklace around its neck/chest area, with an amethyst engraved into the center, along with a tiara/crown combo tucked just behind the horn, as well as a strange type of footwear that I can only begin to describe, as well having a sea-foam green/Columbian blue/pink/ royal blue mane that seemed to be blowing in a breeze that wasn't there

Celestia, I mused

"...."

"..."

You could've cut the silence in the air with a rusty spoon

"......."

{BOO!}

I stared blankly as she jumped about half a foot into the air

"WHAT WAS THAT FOR!?" the cyan one practically screamed at me, getting in my face

"You blame me for that?" I growled

"YEAH, WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO ABOUT IT!” she yelled

"This," I smiled shooting up into the sky creating a sonic boom

The view was absolutely incredible; I simply CANNOT put it into words

I turned around to see the same blue Pegasus following me along with the white one as well

Upon seeing after mentioned princess, I stopped

"Where did you learn to fly like that!?” the cyan one almost cheered

Screaming at me one minute, cheering me on the next, I smell large traces of bullshit

"Species ability" I smiled

"I don't believe you!” She grinned evilly

"That’s OK, you don't have to"

"Who ARE you?!" she laughed

"Tesla, you?"

"I'M rainbow dash! Fastest Pegasus in equestria!"  She held out a hoof

"Huh?" I stared blankly at her

"Don’t leave me hanging, bump it!" she laughed again

I did so, not seeing the point of it, then flew back down to the ground

Only to be surrounded by what looked like guards, all aiming their spears at me

"HALT" one of them shouted

He looked about three feet tall, clad in purple armour and helmet

He was standing next to another alicorn, Cadance to be exact (god I need to get out more)

There were between 30 and 60 of them, plus Cadance and armour

Celestia landed somewhat gracefully next to the two of them, whispering to armour

"GUARDS lower your weapons; he is of no threat to us! Shining armour shouted

The guards, reluctantly lowered their spears

"I am if you annoy me", I yawned, eyes half-open

The guards instantly raised their spears again, making me wish I could face-palm

"Relax I-" I was cut off for a third time that day

"Twily!" he cheered

After-mentioned twilight ran up to him, hugging him, causing me to smile

"Don’t get any ideas" I heard blaze laugh

"I won't!" I muttered chuckling

"And what's so funny!? I heard one of the guards snarl

"Should we?" I muttered

"Might as well, blaze giggled

There was a flash of light, and blaze and I were separated, after-mentioned female quilava now resting on my head, whistling at the sight of the guards and princesses

The guards now aimed at blaze, not me

"if you so much as even THINK about following through with what you're thinking, I’ll SLAUGHTER every single one of you, personally!" I roared

The guards, unsurprisingly, dropped their spears at that remark

"Honestly this is worse than the NMM incident, just straight action, no words or negotiations", I growled

"You just threatened the guards and their (they're?) Captain, is it any wonder!?" Cadance spat

"tesla's rule Cadance, you can mess around with me all you want, but mess with my friends like they were going to, YOU DIE" got it?, I rebuked, generating another crystal fist thrice the size of the previous one

She stepped back a few at that one

"Thanks big brother!” blaze cheered

"Anytime blaze", I smiled, disintegrating the crystal hand

"Big brother?" armour practically whispered

"Yeah I know, we look nothing alike", I frowned "but I still consider her family!” I added grinning all the while

"I see..." he nodded, sagely

"What about me, daddy" I heard Valkyrie cry

"Not yet Val, too many guards and pointy objects I murmured"

"Hm? What was that?" I heard the guard from before jeer

"Nothing in particular, besides, if you treat like blaze here like crap why should I show you anything else?" I sighed, re-fusing with blaze “and besides, if I wanted to actually kill anyone I’ve done it by now"

But you just-"   twilight started

"but nothing, I only did that because YOU were threatening MY family!", I barked " seriously how would YOU like it if I came into your house and killed YOUR sister, I think you'd WANT me dead, or is it banished to the moon?, or jail, I know not which, and nor do I care", I sneered

"How...how DARE you!" twilight yelled

It was then that I noticed a third alicorn, Luna, among the spectators

Shit

"I therefore bid thee, adieu," I bowed, turning away from the crowd of guards, elements and royals only to fly headlong into a cold, hard stone wall

Double shit

chapter the second

I awoke rather early the day after, only to find celestia, luna and the others outside my cell

"mornin", i waved, getting nothing but glares from all but RD, the yellow one, and celestia

who crapped in YOUR cornflakes i was tempted to say, but decided against it

"try to be civil...", i laid back down in the corner of my cell

"let me guess, spike got sick from eating the scattered gems?" i raised an eyebrow

twilight looked shocked

"how did you-" she was cut off

"internet", i smiled, earning myself to be slammed against the wall

"and what, pray tell, is that?"  asked luna

"put simply, it's database of sorts, i think", i stared into space, thinking about  what the internet REALLY was

"you honestly DON'T know?" she emphasized the word "don't"

i shook my head, it was then that i noticed her horn was glowing, which stopped after my "physical" reply

i laid back on the floor, not taking my eyes off of the eight of them

"so," i started "what's  to discuss? my practically threatening the universe, my heresy or just cuz it's a bad day?" i was tempted to grin, but didn't

"the nerve!" rarity reared her head back in shock and disgust

"it's a bit dark in here, anyone mind if i "lighten up" the place?, i grinned

"and how doth thou plan to do that?" luna ground the words to dust and spittle

"simple" i smiled de-fusing with blaze and valkyrie

" and who might THEY be?" luna's eyes narrowed

"this" i smiled, gesturing to blaze "is my sister, blaze"

"and THIS" i grinned, hugging valkyrie, "is my daughter"

"YOUR DAUGHTER!?" the small white one screamed

"WHAT is WITH YOU LOT, first shiny and the bunch have a go at threatening blaze now my own daughter as well!?, is it imposssible to have a family 'round here!?", i roared gathering the thin sheet of fabric that made the so-called "blanket"

"there is no problem with a family, the reason of why you are here is quite obvious" twilight almost smirked

"blaze if you will" i grinned, gesturing to the blanket

"i dunno tesla it'll only get us into more trouble", she frowned

we're in jail blaze, the only way it'd get worse than this is if they executed v-" i quickly turned back to see twilight and the others, smug grins everywhere

"i meant sent us to the moon" i grinned smugly

"sure you did, tesla!"  twilight grinned evilly

blaze shrugged then breathed fire on the blanket creating both light and warmth in copious amounts

" you just i-i mean you just-" twilight was cut off again

"i said i'd create light, but NO, no one listens to tesla, jesus christ on a unicycle juggling flaming chainsaws, it's like talking to a dolphin," i sighed leaning against the back wall, valkryie and blaze nuzzling either side of me

i could see the big shit-eating grin on all of them, except for the now 3 prioncesses that were present, just waiting to snap

"whats going- oh, it's YOU" cadance spat, the others forming a defensive perimiter between the two of us

"my my, what have we here!?" she smirked, gesturing to valkyrie

"a family" i smiled "i'd like to say a happy one but with what's happend in the past 24 hours i can't" i shrugged

"don't blame us" she smirked "in fact- what's that smell?"

i grinned as she stared wide-eyed at the burining blanket

"you-" now cadance was cut off

"i did what i had to, much like most people like you and i do, right celly?

"we're NOTHING alike" celestia growled

" trying once more to be civil" i shook my head

"CIVIL!?" cadance sreamed "YOU threaten OUR guard,  and MY husband and then BURN OUR PROPERTY, and THEN YOU SAY YOUR TRYING TO BE CIVIL!?" she boomed

"I was PROTECTING MY FAMILY from YOUR GUARD if you'll recall it was they who raised their spears at US, not the other wat around, DON'T TRY AND PLAY THE HERO!" i roared so loud the walls nearly shook, tears of anger flooding my eyes

"i-i didn't think that-" she was cut of again

"no hell" i rolled my eyes

"still with the nerve!" rarity screamed

"alright then rare's" i growled "how would YOU like it if YOU were in MY place having YOUR family threatened, trying to protect said family then ening up in this cold, dark cell, huh?"

"i-i would" now rarity was the one getting cut off (this happens to often now)

"you'd what?" i yawned again, crossing my arms, only then noticing the jewellery that they were wearing, rarity and four of the others had necklaces a bit like the ones that luna and celestia wore and twilight had what ooked like a crown

"look" i started "lets not get into this i'm bored tired still ever-so-slightly peeved about my family being threatened, and i'd REALLY like NOT to start an arguement

"you already did, technically" cadance smirked

"and WHAT do y'all mean by threatened?!" the orange one bellowed

"you raised your weapons, where i'm from that's classed as a threat" i stated coldly

that shut her up

the chamber went back to its darker state as the last of the blanket blazed away (pun not intended)

"shame" i sighed cracking my necklaying back down on the now ever-so-slightly warm floor

"HOW is SETTING FIRE to OUR PROPERTY a shame!?" cadance yelled

"i didn't mean it that way", i opened an eye to gaze up at the group, smiling " i mean that it's a shame that it ran out so quickly"

"....."

"so without me going off on another tangeant, what ARE we here for, and by we i mean you lot" i smiled

"WE are here to discuss YOUR punishment" celestia smirked

"what is it?" i grinned "20Q?, SUPPOSEDLY learning the "magic" of friendship?, community services?" i smirked using air quotes when needed

"internet?" she smiled

i nodded, grinning

"first two of the three, then the third IF i feel that you've not done enough", cadance almost laughed

"fair enough" i yawned" how bad can it be?"

celestia's grin widened

"actually" i gulped "don't answer that" i shuddered

"so who's first?" i smiled

"i think i'll go first" rarity scowled

"ok, ask away"

"how can you be SO rude!?" she shrieked

"how can YOU threaten my family and THEN excpect me to be nice about it!?" i roared

"..."

"that was ironic wasn't it?" i sighed, looking crestfallen

"quite" luna stated coldly

"next" i muttered

"i'll go next" twilight snapped

i nodded

"firstly, where are you from" she glared at me, quil and paper at the ready

"a little planet called earth" i smiled "population of about 7 billion-"

"seven billion!?" she practically screamed

"yep and humans are the dominant race along side many others

"HUMANS!?" celestia yelled at the top of her lungs, creating a large spear of pure energy, pointing it at me through the bars

"I'LL NOT HAVE SCUM LIKE THAT DESECRATE MY LAND, FOUL CREATURE!" she boomed

"how do you know of humans?" i frowned

"THAT IS NOT UP FOR DISCUSSION!"  she screamed

"and how many do you know?" i scowled

"O-ONE!" she stuttered slightly

"exactly" i sighed "you see one single being do a bad thing then title the ENTIRE SPECIES as evil, even when they're doing something that comes natural to them  such as the changelings for example" i growled

"HOW DARE YOU QUESTION MY AUTHORITY" she snarled, spear inching closer by the second

"but thats just it isn't it celly?" i snarled" it's the  'i have the power my authority is inaffible' problem", i shook my head

there was absolute silence for a few moments, i could practically smell the smoke coming out her ears and nostrils she was fuming THAT much

"YOU INSOLENT LITTLE WHELP, BE GLAD I'M NOT SENDING YOU TO THE MOON!" she wailed

"go on then", i shrugged"send us up there, wouldn't make us any different", i shrugged "in fact it'd be proof of cowar-"

"YOU DARE CALL ME A COWARD!?" she blared

"i didn't say that i was simply stating that if you WERE to send us to the moon it'd be cowardice, i never said that you yourself were a coward"

the spear inched back slightly

"so what are you then?" asked twilight, as if unfazed by celestia's outburst from the depths of hell itself

"i'd rather not say, lest i be executed", i muttered

the spear inched closer

"WHAT WAS THAT!?" celestia snapped

"nothing, nothing!", i insisted, the spear inching ever-so-much closer

"good..." she breathed

"let me ask you something, what did this other human do?" i frowned

"he..." she didn't finish, tears welling up in her eyes

"don't tell me..." i muttered eyes wide at the thought of the solar goddess having her heart broken

"he did didn't he?" i sighed" he did the suicidal thing of which even I'M not that stupid"

she nodded quickly, tears streaming down her face, the energy dissipating

"well i can promise you this celly" i smiled "i'll not be like him, that i can guarantee you

"and you think YOU of all people can do better THAN HIM!?" luna shouted

"i don't know for sure, but i can sure as hell -or tartarus- in this case, try!" i cheered

"really?" blaze asked

"like i said blaze, i'll try but i-" i was cut off by being hugged by celestia

"well" i blushed slightly" this is a new one!"

i was released momentarily to a giggling bunch of ponies and blaze rolling on the floor laughing

"you'll really try?, human" celestia smirked teary eyed

"wait did i just-" i stopped realising what i'd done

luna nodded

"oh hell" i face-palmed

the rest of the day went without incident celestia and luna returning to the throne room, twilight and the others returning to their daily routine

i awoke the next day to find them back outside my cell

" we never did get to finish our session of 20Q, did we", i chuckled

celestia simply smiled

"so who's next?" i yawned clicking my neck and claws

sure enough twilight stepped forward

"what is it that humans eat?" she raised an eyebrow

" anything that they find edible, and on that note, why ask me a "human" question?" i frowned

"a-anything!?, she almost shrieked

i nodded

fluttershy fainted

"but, on the bright side, there hasn't been a case of ponies being earten, humans being omnivores and whatnot" i smiled

cadance sighed with relief

"next" i yawned again

"is that ya'll cutie mark?" AJ asked, pointing at my chest symbol

(remember! tesla is a latios with the ability of fusion)

"this?" i smiled, gesturing to the crystalline V/delta arrow "isn't a "cutie mark"

"where'd you get it?" twilight blinked

"can't tell you, unfortunately", i sighed

"really?" she smirked

i nodded

"HAVEYOUEVERHADASPECIALSOMEPONY!"  rainbow dash spoke so fast the words tumbled over themselves, grinning all the while

i nodded again, rainbow's grin widened

"fifteen questions left!" i grinned

"beg pardon?" luna raised an eyebrow

"i said 20Q, so far five questions have been asked, that leaves off with fifteen"

"fair enough"

"did you actually mean it when you said that you'd try not to be like that last human?" twilight asked, casuing  celestia to smile

"she's got you by the balls now, tesla!" blaze laughed

"blaze, language!" i almost snapped

"sorry.."  she muttered

"as i said, i'd try not to but since i don't know him i can't gaurantee anything", i smiled turning back to the group

"what's with the human questions anyway?" i blinked

"it's a bit obvious isn't it?" cadance smirked

"touché" i nodded

"if your NOT a human then WHAT are you?" twilight returned to her original place

"not even the slightest clue on that one!" i laughed

"Your MY hero" Valkyrie muttered , hugging me, which earned us a few "aaawww's"

"Don't get any ideas!" i grinned

"ME" cadance gasped "why i would NEVER do such a thing right twily?"

Twilight nodded

"Riiiiight, and i can puke gold bars.." i chuckled, the entire sentance OOZING with sarcasm

"....."

"CAN you?" twilight asked, a hopeful look in her eyes

I shook my head

"that'd be both interesting and disturbing" i laughed "that also counts as a question, twelve left"

"but you just said that-" she was inerrupted

"sarcasm my dear, shaken, not stirred" i smirked

she lowered her head after that

it was then that i noticed that they were STILL wearing the jewellery from the day before

"still with the elements themselves?" ( that line didn't make sense then and it certainly doesn't do so now)

"i'm not, i repeat, NOT going to do anything!, honestly", i smiled innocently

"you're forgetting what you did to those guards already?" cadance growled

i sighed, THIS was going to be a long day

"two things, if i can take down a three hundred foot machine i can surely handle a few gemstones" (i doubt they'd work on me anyway)

"secondly if i wanted them dead, they'd be dead" i stated coldly

"how tall is a foot?" celestia asked

twenty-four  centimeters" i shrugged

"impossible....." i heard her mutter

"nothing is impossible!" i cheered  "except for trying to slam a revolving door, THATS impossible!"

she glared at me for that remark

"eleven questions left"

"................"

"or not" i muttered

"we will release you from your cell SO LONG as you PROMISE NEVER to harm or threaten my little ponies" celestia said rather sternly

"DOUBLE PROMISE", i laughed

"i'm serious" she almost scowled

"as am i", i smirked

and with that, the cell door opened

"so" rainbow started, putting an arm around my neck "what're you gonna do now?"

"this", i grinned, fusing with Blaze and Valkyrie, rocketing through the corridoors of the castle until i found the exit

once outside i darted forwards, only to be stopped by an invisible barrier

{you have GOT to be shitting me}

i looked back, only to see the gang all standing there, grinning from ear to ear

i shook my head, using latios' abilities to turn invisible, then fly off

"daddy"  i heard Valkyrie almost whimper

"yes angel?" i muttered, landing in the midst of ponyville (at least i hoped it was ponyville)

"where's mommy?" i heard her whimper

"i- i don't know sweetheart", i cried, causing a few passing citizens to slow down as they passed by

"but i PROMISE that i'll do what i can to protect you!" i roared, not caring if anyone heard me

"you promise" Valkyrie sobbed

"TRIPLE PROMISE!" i laughed, again, not caring if anyone heard me

"WHAT IS THAT!?" i heard one pony scream

i looked down, i was no longer invisible

well dammit

"FEAR NOT CITIZENS, I WILL SLAY THIS FOUL BEAST!" came a loud voice from behind me

blueblood....

there was a large flash of light, and then celestia stood before us

"AUNT CELESTIA! HAVE YOU COME TO WATCH ME SLAY THIS LOATHESOME CREATURE?" blueblood grinned

"actually NEPHEW" celestia smirked " he is an honored guest"

that shut him up and caused him to teleport away from the town

"sorry about that" celstia turned to face me

"it's of no problem to me" i shrugged

"in fact i'd actually like to see him TRY and 'slay' me" i added, grinning from ear to ear

"would you now?" she smirked

"meh" i shrugged

"such beauty and innocence shouldn't have to put up with crap like HIM" i muttered

"oh REALLY" came a voice from behind me

sure enough the twilight cadance and the others were there

"yes really", i chuckled, DE-fusing with blaze, getting a noogie from the aftermentioned quilava

"YOU BIG SOFTIE!" she laughed

"what can i say? i have a heart, i might as well use it whilst i'm around" i smirked folding my arms

i looked around, there were ponies everywhere, bowing, including the main six

"here's a thought" i smiled " if singing is a great form of communication, does that make me an anti-social?"

i got a smack on the head from blaze for that remark

"you do sing" i heard blaze prompt

"no, no i do not" i scolded

"that's not what me and aero heard from crystal", she giggled

"don't get any funny ideas" i frowned, looking at no-one in particular

"i think the BIG softie just got EVEN BIGGER val!" blaze cheered

"this ISN'T happening" i groaned

"yes, yes it is", blaze laughed

i caught something out of the corner of my eye

a shining stone pillar of sorts on the side of the mountain

flying toward it i noticed that it was like the one from altomare, a gravestone decorated not with stars this time, but with snowflakes

it was an ornate piece of masonry, not crafted by just one person(pony)

and there was a statue of a silver filly with a snow white, curly mane and blue/grey eyes atop the pillar

there was an engraving as well that simply read:  *snowdrop*

it was, needless to say, beautiful

"so it DID happen" i muttered