Chaotic Neutralby Retired5262020ChaptersIntroChapter 1Chapter 2Chapter 3Chapter 4Chapter 5IntroIt’s a bright and sunny morning as usual in the peaceful land of Equestria. But today, something quite different is going on in the Ponyville residence of one Twilight Sparkle. Flash! Twilight grins as she dismisses yet another summoned creature, a stone golem small enough to fit in her hoof. This morning she had come across a dusty old tome behind a bookshelf containing instructions on one of the most obscure magical arts there is. Conjuration! There are a number of pages missing from the old book, and although Twilight mourned the fact that she would never be able to use them, the young unicorn mage decided to simply use the other spells. So far it’s been a blast! So many different little creatures that she could pull from various realms. “I bet Fluttershy would want to be a unicorn just to get her hooves on these spells,” Twilight says to herself. “Twi? Is it really safe to be playing with that book? You could summon something we can’t handle...” Spike says from his spot on a ladder as he sorts some books on a bookshelf. “Oh Spike,” Twilight begins mirthfully, “I’m sure that we can keep anything I summon under control. I mean, what’s the worst that could happen?” Spike turns back to his sorting, but not before grumbling, ‘Now that you’ve said that...’ The young dragon isn’t stupid. He knows that the excitement of learning something new is blinding his surrogate sister to the possible dangers something as unexplored as conjuration magic involves. Meanwhile, Twilight goes back to her book, scanning over the aged paper for something especially interesting to conjure up. Flipping several pages, she stops on one that requires a summoning circle. She tilts her head in curiosity... Could this be an especially exotic creature? Well, there’s only one way to find out! Before she gets up to find some chalk for the circle, Spike’s words ring in her head. ‘You could summon something we can’t handle...’ Twilight shakes the thought away. So far, everything she summoned has been small and harmless; this book must only pertain to a manageable tier of summoning creatures. Besides, even if it’s not, she is the prize student of the one and only Princess Celestia. Not much can throw Twilight off. Assured in her decision, the unicorn trots off to find something to draw the summoning circle with. A piece of chalk, several messed up spell circles, and some frustrated grumbling later, the circle is ready. “Perfect!” the violet mage chirps as she looks down at the complicated spell catalyst. Its main part is a large star within a circle overlaying a stylized ‘A’ along with numerous other bits and pieces all tangled together to form a complex, almost artistic piece of spell assistance. This summon must be quite a doozy, as another look at the book says requires verbal phrases as well as active magic. Powering up her horn, Twilight looks at the book and reads the phrases as she pumps the circle full of arcane energy.Tiny threads of pure life force seep into the pattern on the floor, lighting it up as if to burn the floor. “Ipse est de tot vultus, ille unum identitatis. Inordinatio efformarunt, per omnia saecula tenebrarum...” But instead of the hardwood floor burning, the thin fabric of reality begins to sizzle away around the circle instead. “Hoc regnum fero, quod est offero...” The void between worlds is crossed in an instant, woven together by the threads of magic Twilight produced. “Clamorem meum, oh immensum unum...” She didn’t even have the faintest idea of what she just invited into Equestria. “Ex alto inferni et horrorem praebeat sine nomine terrae...” The sheer absurdity, a mere idea growing into a force of nature. “Tu legionis non dimiseritis, nec alieno...” For a brief instant, every being in the world felt a cold chill run down their spine. A primal instinct telling them that something to fear would soon be upon them. “Te accerso Anonymous …” In the deep frigid pit of Cocytus, where sinners and demons most foul lurk, a small movement disrupts the almost eternally still land. A single footstep echoes out, fading into the distance of the icy hell. A green hand finds its way to the neck of its owner, where it adjusts a red tie. A face devoid of features looks up into the dark expanse of hell’s ninth layer, wondering just why it’s been summoned. But a call is a call, and it looks like it’s time to go to work. In a shining pillar of light, the figure disappears. Twilight steps back as the summoning circle becomes too bright to look at. Wow! This must be one incredible creature for such a grand display before its arrival. None of the others even came close to this. The circle brightens to a level almost inconceivable, enough to blind Twilight if she hadn’t been looking away. In a final blinding flash and bone rattling hum of power, the circle begins to die. Looking back, Twilight blinks through the spots in her vision to see just what sort of creature she had brought forth this time. It looks like a... The...the whatever is, is tall. Standing at a height that even Princess Celestia would be forced to crane her neck upward to meet its gaze. It looks similar to an ape, standing upright and having arms the end in hands that split into individual digits. The tall being is clad in a three-piece suit and shined shoes. The whole ensemble is black, sans for the white undershirt and the red tie. Its exposed skin is a solid, monotone green. When she looks at its face, Twilight can’t help but gasp. There is nothing where it should possess a face. No eyes, no nose, no mouth, no ears. Just smooth skin. Maybe she should have listened to Spike... It looks around, taking in the sights of the library with its nonexistent eyes before it turns its attention to her. “You called?” it asks simply. Twilight feels icy claws of fear dig into her stomach. The summon spoke in not one voice, but many overlapping one another. As if many different beings were sharing one body. This thing... it’s not natural... what has she done? Despite herself, Twilight nods shakily. “Then you must know the price...” Price? There was a price!?! What in the world could this abomination want? None of the other intelligent creatures wanted anything in return. Why does this one something? “W-what is the price..?” It leans down, emphasizing its enormous size, then whispers one thing to her. “Your soul...” Oh dear Celestia! This thing is a soul eating monster and she just released it into the world! This is so bad, so very, very ba- “Or you could show me your crotch tits.” “...What?” Author's Note A funnier take on the evil known as Anonymous. Next part should be up in awhile. Chapter 1“...What?” The huge creature pulls back up to its full height and crosses its arms, clearly annoyed with her response. “You heard me. I demand tits, or the live and tortured soul of a living being. It’s your choice,” it says with a huff. What the buck is going on here? Is this thing really demanding something like that? Is that even relevant to anything here? You are Anonymous, personification of the human internet and grand arch-demon. Right now, you’re pretty annoyed with this purple horse. Not only did she have the nerve to summon you in some random dimension you can only vaguely remember, but she did so without any payment ready! What a cunt. You watch as she slowly pieces everything together. Her mind finally comes back into working order. “What exactly do you mean...?” she asks, worry coloring her tone. Holy. Shit. Is this little horse that dense? You asked in the most blunt manner possible and she STILL asks that? “Tits, boobs, bazangas, funbags, globes, pillows, mammaries, GREAT MAGUMBOS! Are you telling me that you don’t have them!?” Your summoner goes atomic red in her face, whether from anger or embarrassment, you can’t tell. Then you get an idea... “Oh I get it. Are you a trannie? That’s okay, traps work too,” you say with a wide grin, a mouth forming on your face. She blanches and gives you a creeped out look, ”NO!” You raise an eye-less eyebrow in amusement. “Well,” you start, “you have to pay me if you want me to deliver on your request. So it’s a soul or boobs, the choice is yours.” The equine summoner takes a step back. “What if I don’t want anything of you?” she asks cautiously. You feel the smile fall off your face, to be replaced with a scowl. Why? Why do a ritual as extensive as one like yours only to do nothing? “Okay bitch, if you’re going to be like that then do the dismissal spell. False alarms are something I hate.” She recoils at the curse but complies as she uses telekinesis to lift a summoning tome in front her face. Hold up... You feel a frown forming on your face as you read the title of the book the unicorn is reading. Incipiens rector ut Ferstigon, aka Beginning guide to conjuration. What the hell is a ninth layer conjuration spell doing in something like that? Meanwhile, Twilight is scanning through the conjuration book like a possessed mare. This is only a little mess up, absolutely nothing she can’t fix. But to her dismay, she can’t seem to find anything that resembles a high level dismissal spell. Did she really just summon this thing without a way to send it back?! “Give me that!” Faster than she could follow, a green hand lashes out and tears the book from her magic grip. ”Hey!” Twilight says, distressed at the theft. “Give that back!” You ignore her and flip through the pages, skimming over everything until you get to the page with your summoning on it. Just as you do, the page falls out as if it were never attached in the first place. Picking it up, you see that’s just the case. This is a page from a different book. “Well smart one, it looks like someone pulled a fast one on you and put my ritual in this copy of ‘Babby’s first conjuration’. Despite this actually being pretty funny, you still need to find a way to dismiss me. If you can’t do it within the next few minutes then I’m going to call on that payment,” you say, your grin coming back to your face. Shock finds its way onto her expression. ”Bu-but but!” she stutters pitifully. You throw your arms up and sigh in an overly dramatic manner. Looks like someone didn’t read the fine print. “Look horsey, the terms and conditions of that summoning are all plain as day on that page. Call me, pay me, I do your request, you dismiss me. Unless you didn’t read all of that like a retard.” “My name is not ‘horsey!’ I’m Twilight Sparkle! As for the contract...” Twilight trails off, mild shame welling up in her, “I can’t read some of the stuff in the book...” Holy fuck, how stupid can one person get? Who goes and plays with volatile shit like magic without knowing what they’re doing. “What the fuck were you thinking? I don’t think you realize just how dangerous this can get. What if you brought something worse than me? Like the spirit of Rob Schneider?!? DO YOU WANT THAT ABOMINATION TO WALK THE WORLD AGAIN?! TO DOOM THE PLANET TO UNFUNNY MOVIES AND BAD ACTING!?” you shout as you pick her up and shake her by the withers. “NO NO!! I DON’T WANT THAT!” she screams just as loudly as you, with terror written on her face, before it vanishes for look of confusion. “Wait, who’s Rob Schneider?” You drop Twilight, making her fall roughly to her rump. “Oof!” “Not important, but he needs to stay dead. I hope you can pull some sort of learning experience from this.” She stands back up and gives you the biggest, cheesiest smile she can. “Maybe we can just write this all off as a learning experience? No harm done and I won’t summon you anymore?” “No.” Her faces falls. “Sucks to suck, but that still doesn’t dismiss me or pay me. Time to make up your mind or by the terms of the contract... I’ll be allowed to take what I want by force,” you tell her, your grin stretching to an unsettling size. She looks ready to panic but stops and manages to put up a brave front. “How about no? I summoned you, so that means you work for me regardless according to the book,” Twilight says, taking a step forward and holding her head high. You laugh. “Ha! You have a nice poker face, but do you really think you can take on me? A demon from the absolute lowest level of hell? Sorry Sparky, I could wreck your shit with one hand. You obviously didn’t read the warnings about conjuring up something more powerful than yourself.” She deflates and goes back to looking nervous. “... Are you sure there’s no way around this?” “One hundred and ten percent. You didn’t read the fine print, so it’s a soul or some oddly located titties. Don’t be a Jew about this.” Twilight sits for for a moment, looking around desperately, as if something in the library would help her out of this predicament. It seems that luck is not her side however as no deus ex machina is popping out of the woodwork to save her. ”Are you sure...? No other way...?” You give her a flat look. “I don’t think you realize what it’s like to be summoned and then not paid. It’s not like stiffing a waiter on a tip. It’s more like ordering a pizza then telling the delivery guy to fuck off as you throw a box of pissed off camel spiders on him. This is all a bit more complex than you realize.” She stalls for a minute more, then finally sighs in defeat and slowly raises herself up on her hind legs, her face going so red you think her head might explode. Hiddliy ho! Titties, here we go! You crouch down to get a better look. Boobs are boobs and you’re not willing to be picky the species of the owner. Twilight’s are nice, no doubt, but the award for the best horse tits you had ever seen would remain with... What’s her name? Celestia? You can’t even remember why she summoned you but you do remember a pretty sweet fight with some ugly chimaera. “Heh.” Acting on a total impulse, you snake your hand under her and... “Pinchy pinch!” Twilight’s eyes widen to the size of dinner plates. WHAM!!!! Faster than you thought possible, you greet the hardwood floor with your face. You groan as you taste some blood in your mouth. God damn, that was a really mean right hook. Raising yourself up, you spit out a bloody tooth and look back over to your summoner, who looks beyond mortified. Once Twilight notices you’re up, her face transforms into a look of pure rage. ”I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU DID THAT!” she screams in your face. You grin widely, showing off the nice new hole in your smile. “Not my fault, you’re the one who trusted a demon. Who really is the unbelievable one here?” you say with a snicker. Hehe, you felt mare boobs. She grits her teeth as thin wisps of smoke begin to rise from her mane and tail, lazily floating up and disappearing. “You might want to get that checked out. I’ve heard of cases of people spontaneously combusting for some reason or another. Usually because they hold their farts in or something.” ”YOU! YOU ARE INSUFFERABLE!” she screams again, this time her mane and tail catching fire, but strangely not making anything else go up in an inferno. She rants and raves about just how inappropriate that was, acting like you were a 12-year-old who got caught with his mom’s dildo and not an eon old horror from the absolute deepest depths of the negative karmatic afterlife. Twilight calms down some as the flames go out, leaving her soot covered and panting. “Feel better?” you ask cheekily. She glares at you. “Why don’t you just dispel yourself? If you say you could this whole time...” You shake your head in a negative. “Nah, there are a lot of upsides to being as fucking awesome as I am. The ability to do traditional magic is not one of them, though, so it looks like you’re stuck with me until you can figure out that spell.” Twilight sighs. “Joy...” she says mirthlessly. “Aww, c'mon now. I’m not THAT bad of company. I think I can say with certainty that I can keep your life entertaining as long as I’m here,” you say as you crouch down and put an arm around her shoulders. “Oh, I’m sure,” she responds, her voice practically dripping with sarcasm. “Hey, you got what you were looking for. Not my fault that you didn’t think this through.” She looks like she wants to refute you, but sighs and just shakes her head. She’s obviously not in the mood to try and fight with you. “You know? I don’t think we were ever properly introduced. Seeing as how I’m stuck here until you figure out how to dispel me, it might be a good idea to get acquainted,” you say with a thoughtful rub of your chin. Twilight’s eyes widen. “Wait! What makes you think that you’re staying here? After that stunt I have no intention of leaving keeping you in town!” “For one, once you summoned me, I became your responsibility. No if’s, and’s, or but’s.” You feel a sly smile creeping up onto your face. “Plus, don’t act like you didn’t enjoy me fondling you. I’m open for it anytime you know, and with me living here...” You duck under a lavender ball of energy that flies behind you and right out an open window, where you hear an explosion and a cry of, “My leg!” “That was hardly called for...” She puffs herself up to go on another rant but stops as you stick your hand out in front of her for handshake. “Name’s Anonymous, personification of the old-world Internet.” Twilight looks like she wants to fight your staying here so hard but gives up, too tired to deal with you anymore. She puts her hoof in your hand and shakes. “I’m Twilight Sparkle, the town librarian,” she says, not giving away her other titles such as Celestia’s student or the element of magic. “And I guess I could let you stay...” You smile, but feel it fall when she continues. ”On the condition that you do something to pay me back for living here,” she says, sounding a little smug at the end. Ohhhhh, so it’s going to be like that? “Alright, sure. How about this? Since I am technically a summon, you tell me stuff to do every once in awhile and I’ll do it,” you say with the straightest face you can. You fail to tell her that you plan on putting your own spin on whatever she asks. Really, she has it coming. ”Deal,” Twilight says jovially, not knowing she’s quite literally made a deal with the devil. The atmosphere goes silent and almost immediately turns awkward, so you decide to lighten it up. “So I guess now is a bad time to tell you that that whole ’contract’ business was just a bunch of BS I made on the spot?” Anypony passing the library around noon that day would wonder just what all the enraged screaming was about, but none of them would be brave enough to try and find out. Author's Note Yeah, the little part at the end was me and some editers talking, I left it in by mistake. The story has already been planned beyond this point so it's not going to have any impact. Chapter 2You pull yourself from beneath the collapsed and splintered bookshelf with a groan. God damn, Sparkle has some crazy powerful telekinesis. Dusting off the broken bits of wood and dirt from your suit, you look up and see your oh-so pleasant summoner still fuming over the fib she was told. Seems like some people, er, ponies...can’t take a joke. Twilight drops the look of rage for one of exhaustion. ”I still can’t believe you... all of this because I can’t dispel you?” she asks. “Exactly, it’s what I do. I COULD have done something much worse... but I’m not really feeling up to it today,” you reply casually with a shrug. The purple pony can’t help but turn away from you, worry painted on her face from how easily you said that you could do worse. “Twilight? Is it over?” the voice of a young boy asks hesitantly. Both you and the unicorn turn your heads to look at the stairs, where a knee-high lizard is peeking out from the top. Its eyes fall on you and widen so far you swear they were about to fall out of its head. “Yes Spike, it’s over, and it was successful...” Twilight cuts her gaze to you. “Sort of.” Sort of? She pulls off a ninth level summoning, gets you of all beings, and calls it a ‘sort of’ success? Wow. “Way to be a cunt...” you mumble under your breath. ”What was that?” Twilight asks sharply, narrowing her eyes as she caught the end of the whispered insult. Ok then. Taking a ludicrously deep breath that makes your chest swell, you cup your hands around your mouth and restate yourself. “I SAID, WAY TO BE A CUNT! ARE YOU HARD OF HEARING MISS SPARKLE?!” you shout at the absolute top of your lungs, making the whole building rattle with your voice. Both she and the lizard cringe at the volume. Once both have recovered, the lizard looks at Twilight in confusion and asks, “Twi? What's a ‘cunt’?” She goes red in the face, likely from embarrassment, and tries to stutter out a reply. “It’s...it’s a not-so-nice term for... for... Just don’t use that word, okay? It’s not proper to use.” “It’s a curse word for girly-parts, kid.” Twilight shoots you a glare so fearsome that a lesser being may have gone up in flames and run around screaming as they cook like a whole pig at a redneck picnic. You, however, just stifle some snickers behind your hand. The lizard tilts his head, a look of confusion still firmly on his face. “Whatever you say,” he says slowly in response. The unicorn just sighs for the umpteenth time today and turns back to you. She bites her lip for a moment, obviously trying to think of what to say next. Then, like a bolt of lightning, it hits her. Why not ask Princess Celestia for help? If anypony is capable of restoring order to this whole mess then would have to be the age-old sun deity. Twilight stops that train of thought right then and there. There's no way she could tell Celestia about a screw-up this colossal. Irresponsible use of a summoning ritual that could possibly, and most likely, be demonic in origin? Now that had to be worthy of punishment. But does she have any other choice? Anonymous already confirmed that he is more powerful than her and determined to cause havoc until he’s dispelled, and with no dismissal spell that could be a while. With an audible gulp, the unicorn quickly levitates over a sheet of parchment along with a quill and hastily scrawls out a letter asking for help along with a healthy dose of ass kissing to hopefully smooth this over some. Without any delay, Twilight shoots the letter over to Spike. “Spike, please send that and quickly!” The young dragon does as he's told and incinerates the parchment in a breath of emerald flame, sending the bits of ash out of an open window. Now all she has to do is wait… You, meanwhile, watch with a raised eyebrow. What in the world are they trying to accomplish by burning stuff? As fun as that is, it's not all that productive. Oh well, you've got better things to worry about. Like has this little library got anything to eat? God damn you’re starving. Celestia sits upon her throne in her usual position: Back straight, hooves evenly spaced, and a façade of a gentle smile and caring disposition firmly in place. Not that her caring nature is faked, but rather it becomes more routine than anything after a while.If she were totally honest with herself, things had gotten extremely boring in her life. Other than the occasional crisis that the Elements took care of and the seldom occurring mix-up in schedule, castle life is rather dull and the average day was easily forgettable. The worst part is that there is almost no surefire way to rid her of such debilitating monotony. Her political and personal power may be unlimited, but she couldn't go around using it in any way she wished anymore, like in the old days. Now, she gets called out for minor incidents and is expected to be a figurehead with a pretty face. The princess closes her eyes and thinks. No matter what, there had to be SOMETHING she could do, something to stop the damned bord- Her thoughts are cut off as a letter materializes in front of her in a swirl of arcane energy. Wish granted, apparently. Thankful for the distraction, Celestia opens the letter and scans over the rather sloppy contents. Is her student writing letters while drunk? It's not even five o'clock yet. Near the end of the letter she feels her eyes widen in enormous surprise. Is that where the page of her personal summon book went? And Twilight summoned none other than Anonymous, the Old World Terror to boot? Well, looks like everything just got interesting again. Thinking of a response, Celestia grins and writes it out on a fresh sheet of paper. “I hope you have fun with this, my faithful student. I know I will…” “Does this make you mad? OCD getting to you?” You turn yet another picture frame slightly at an angle, making your mulberry-colored summoner grit her teeth in anger and fix it again with a flash of purple from her horn. Before you can do any more harm—or well, what an autistic brat would consider harm—a rolled up scroll phases into existence in front of Spike in a belch of flame. He passes it to his surrogate sister. With rabid abandon, she tears off the ribbon holding it closed and scans her eyes over it. The further she reads in, the more and more her face falls. By the end of it, she looks like someone got her a puppy for christmas then put it in a giant blender right in front of her. She looks at the letter she received in absolute shock. Of all the things that she could have received in return, she gets this!?! To sum up the entire letter, it more or less said ‘This is your problem, fix it yourself.’ She was just left alone with a demon of unknown power and the instructions of ‘do-it-yourself’ when it comes to a solution. “Ohhhh, that sucks. Oh well! Looks like I'm staying here!” you say with a malicious grin. This is going to be more fun than you’ve had in centuries. Twilight looks between you and the letter several times, seemingly ready to burst into hysterical tears. Good, day one isn't even over and you know how to push her buttons. Maybe before your time here is over you get to push her OTHER buttons. Huehue. "Well," she starts as she takes a calming breath “what in the world am I supposed to do with you? In fact, where do we even start?” “Well, what were you doing before you brought me here? I mean, only a dipshit would think of just going off some random tangent after a problem.” She scowls at the indirect insult. “I was learning the finer points of summoning. Seems I didn't do too well when it came to you.” You feel your grin lesson some. Traditional magic is not your strong suit and the conjuration falls within the irritatingly wide net of “traditional”. “Yeah, have fun with that. I'm total shit at magic, so no help from me. Got a TV around here?” you ask, looking around some. "TV?” She asks with a raised eyebrow. “And that is…?” “Yeah, um… Okay, picture your mother. Got that?” You get an unsure nod in return. “Good, you picture her NOT being a filthy whore then turning into one while shamelessly vying for attention on cameras where millions of others can see her. Now you have half of the reality TV shows there ever were.” "T-that didn't answer anything!” “The contrary,” you say with a finger raised an exclamation, “you weren't specific enough with your question so I gave you an answer that fit the badly worded context. Reality TV is garbage and only promotes attention whoring, remember this little life lesson. Since you obviously don't have idiot-boxes here then at least I don't have to deal with that shit anymore.” You raise yourself up and take a glance at the book still in your hand before tossing it back to your summoner, who catches it in aura of purple. She looks the conjuration manual over for any damage and smiles when she finds none. Looking back up at you, Twilight frowns and says, “You know, I don't really know that much about you. Maybe you could answer some questions?” Oh lawdy here we go. You may as well indulge her since she's going to let you stay here. That and she showed you her tits. “Yeah, I guess. Just try to make sure that it's not really convoluted stuff.” For the first time today a real smile comes to her face. Leading you over to a couch as she levitates some parchment and a quill, Twilight racks her brain for her questions. "Okay, I guess first things are first-” “They would have to be, you can’t really have anything before ‘first’, numbnuts.” She narrows her eyes at the interruption. “As I was saying... What exactly are you? As in species or race?” “Well,” your hands come together in a clap “I happen to be the personification of an old world information sharing superhighway capable of connecting any and all persons on the globe together using specific input devices. It was all called the Internet. More specifically I am the idea of the anonymity that users have when conducting interactions within said Internet given form. Give a man a mask and he will show you his true face, and none of us are as brutally honest as all of us. You getting all of this?” Twilight looks back between you and the parchment, her expression a rather hilarious mix of frustration, confusion, and intrigue. "Sooo, you’re an idea? But how does that work? Ideas can’t be tangible! That’s impossible.” What’s this chick’s deal? She can do magic and summon creatures from other planes of existence, yet she wants to go on about what is possible and not? The autism is strong in this one. “I’ve never been one to play by the rules, I guess. So fuck you and your impossibilities,” you say, using your best Donte voice for the ‘fuck you’. Fucking Crapcom, they had to go and totally sink that series... By now, Twilight is just going along with what you say and obviously trying to stave off some sort of breakdown, if her frazzled mane and slowly dilating pupils are anything to go by. Seems like it’s always the brainy ones who are prone to snapping and totally losing their shit. It’s sad, but funny. Maybe if you’re lucky this will end in some kooky genocide. "Fine, okay, be that way. What I meant to ask is what sort of summon are you?” “It’s not obvious? I’m a Demon Lord, did you expect something else? Heh, sorry, cunt.” Twilight stops and feels her blood turn to ice in her veins. Did she just hear that correctly? A Demon Lord? As in the ruthless engine of destruction capable of killing low-level gods? This guy? Her fright leaves her just as quickly as it came. There’s no way that Anonymous is that high up on the proverbial summoning totem pole. He outright claimed to be bad at magic and so far has just caused trouble that hasn’t been overly difficult to manage. He doesn’t even have the building-crushing size or the aura of malevolence that one would expect from a demon of any sort. So he must be another weak summon. One who just likes to blow smoke and make trouble. After all, his summoning page was in the beginning conjuration book, so it must’ve been there for a reason. Content with her reasoning, the mulberry unicorn smiles and thinks of her next question. You watch the entire time as Twilight’s face shifts between different emotions before finally settling on one of self-assurance. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out that she decided not to believe you. How delightfully sperg-like. Deny it if it doesn’t fit into your plans and wants. Her loss though, so you’re not going to cry over it. Maybe you can actually get away with more like this...? No time like the present. "Say, Twilight? How would you like to learn a special technique? Just as a way to kind of say ‘I’m sorry’ for the stuff I pulled.” Holy shit, if she takes this bait and you can die happy. You force down your laughter as her eyes light up at the prospect of learning something new. Nerds never change. "I can see that you’re in agreement with that. This is something that everyone back in the day knew about and the results always surprised them.” "Well? What do we do!” she exclaims excitedly. So trusting... Too bad it’s going to come back and bite her in the ass. “Ok, first things we need are some metal spoons and duct tape...” Author's Note Next one is up. Let me know if you see anything wrong. Chapter 3Right after you mention the materials, Twilight gives you a rather dubious look. Obviously she can see that this has the potential to go wrong. An instant later though, the expression melts away to be replaced with almost endearing excitement at the notion of learning something so new. It’s always the naïve ones, they make the greatest bait. Idly, you wonder if this is going to hurt her, then you dismiss the thought. If it does, then it’ll be hilarious as well as a lesson for her not to listen to everything she hears. Man, you’re going to hell... oh wait. Twilight’s voice cuts you from your thoughts. ”Anon, I don’t have any duct tape. Will anything else work?” she asks. You shake your head in a negative. “No, duct tape is honestly the only thing that will work for this. Every other tape brand out there will just puss out, and why don’t you have any duct tape? Do you have any idea how useful that shit is?” She looks at you with skepticism in her violet eyes. “Right, because duct tape is totally a staple,” she replies sarcastically. What kind of faggotry is this? You can practically feel the /diy/ part of you screaming for the blood of a certain mulberry-colored bitch. You pinch where the bridge of your nose would be if you had one in silence the tiny voice in the back of your head. “All right, I’m going to ignore that little quip from you, but I was serious when I said that we need some. And yes, you little ho-bag, I’m sure that no other will work.” Twilight closes her mouth and glares at you for the insult. “Do you need to put some sort of derogatory term in every sentence you speak?” She thought that this was bad? “RAT SHIT BAT SHIT! DIRTY LITTLE CUNT! 69 ASSHOLES TIED IN A KNOT! LIZARD PISS! FUCK! IS THIS ANY BETTER!?!” You scream with a grin on your face. ”No no no! Be quiet before somepony outside hears!” “My point, feel like complaining anymore?” you ask with the most innocent smile you can. In other words you may as well have been snarling like a rabid serial arsonist with a 24 hour stiffy. Twilight sighs for what seems to be the millionth time today. Looking up at you she says; “Let’s... let’s just go find this tape.” “Right behind ya, boss lady.” ”Spike! Watch the library!” she says as you and her start for the door, only for her to stop halfway with a look of realization on her muzzle. ”Wait! How my going to explain you?” she asks with some noticeable panic. It seems that nothing can be easy around here. “Isn’t this whole world nothing but magic, sugar, and all that other gay stuff? Why can’t you just tell them what happened and have them believe it?” you ask. After all, that is how this place works, right? Twilight seems to think otherwise. “No! We can’t do that! The whole town will be thrown into a panic and I would really rather avoid scaring everypony.” “Are you sure we can’t? Because scaring the shit out of everyone sounds like it would be fun!” “Yes, I’m 100% sure,” Twilight says, her tone leaving little room for argument. Fuck. “In fact, why are you coming with me? I could easily go out and pick up everything that we need by myself. For all I know, you could be coming along just to stir up trouble,” she says suspiciously. For an virgin-level sperg, it seems that your summoner is a little bit sharper than you give her credit for. Time for some damage control. “You know, news about me is probably going to get out pretty quick. Why even try and hide it? It’ll make you look pretty suspicious. Then before you know it, people are speculating about what color the wallpaper in your sex dungeon is.” Twilight rolls her eyes, “Anon, I have a good enough reputation that nopony is going to think I’m trying to hide something, much less something so perverted. As for you, I have enough faith in my abilities to find a way to dispel you in a timely manner.” “So much that you are willing to goof off to play with spoons and tape with me? Yeah, trust me when I say is going to take a lot more fucking effort than what you think you can pull off.” you tell her. C’mon, buy it. You want to have some fun here. “Back to the ‘not telling everyone’ thing. Say that you do try and hide me but everyone find out anyway. Do you know if it makes you? A liar. That reputation that you love so much will come down and shatter around you.” She’s beginning to look unsure. No one could ever accuse you of not being good at arguing. Hell, you’re the very embodiment of arguing. “You know what they say, ‘The bigger you are, the harder you fall’. That applies right here. If you bill yourself up on such a big pedestal like you say you have than one simple mistake is all will take to bring all crashing down like an orphan’s dreams.” you continue. Her eyes are looking around nervously. Good, it won’t be much longer now. “OK! You can come!” Twilight shouts, either frustrated with your talking or fearful that what you’re saying will come to pass. You grin. Today just got really fun. You and the tiny pony continue on to the door, but it seems that Twilight is not yet content with everything. As she opens the door, she looks up at you and asks; “Anon? How you get around without eyes? “My dear Twilight, I know anything and everything, why would I need eyes?” you say as you look upward with a smile and a shrug Just as you say that, you slam your chin into the low overhang of the doorway and bite out a curse. “I meant to do that.” The instant that you are both outside, you're met with a giant, technicolor-eyesore of a crowd all watching curiously from in front of the library. Looks like all the activities inside attracted quite a bit more attention than anyone would’ve realized. Hue hue, that’s your cue. You nudge Twilight and say; “Damn, I told you we were being too rough. I mean, the whole town heard it!” Disgusted whispers circulate through the crowd as Twilight’s jaw drops with the utter mortification that erupts within her. “What! No! Don’t listen to him! He’s a demon with a lying streak!” Twilight shouts, only to realize what she did a moment later. At the word ‘demon’, the whole crowd goes silent and immediately focuses every bit of their attention upon you. “She wasn’t joking.” One pony begins to back away, and others slowly follow. You don’t feel like giving them the time. “AWOGABOOGABOOGA!!” you shout as you flail your limbs like a kid with downs was having a seizure. The effect is instantaneous, like someone ran into a human airport screaming Arabic. a collective cry of terror comes from all of the ponies to scatter and run around like headless chickens, some crashing into inanimate objects while others crash into each other. In 10 seconds, the whole area is clear sans five brave individuals. In the distance, is still hear screaming and... was that an explosion? You look down to Twilight, who has her face buried in her hooves. “Well, I think my work here is done.” you say jovially. Nothing like causing some good old-fashioned mass panic. The five remainders trot up to you and your summoner, although the yellow one with wings needed to be coaxed by the sickeningly pink one. “Twai? Jus’ who is this?” says the one in the cowboy hat with a perfect redneck accent. Yeah, you definitely messing with this one letter. The purple unicorn looks up from her hooves to stare at the small group with a weary smile. “Girls, this is Anonymous. He’s a... creature that I accidentally summoned,” her smile drops with the next sentence. “He’s going to be staying here until I can find a way to send them back.” All of them catch their friends face falling and look up to you with guarded expressions, all except the pink one seems to be bouncing in place. ADHD anyone? Oh well, not your problem. Twilight goes about introducing them, but you can’t say you listened too well. Why? Because right in the edge of your vision, is that god damn transparent squiggly line that always seems to appear at random times. It annoys you to no end. That little fucking squiggly is there when you never think about it, but for some reason it can never show up whenever you want it to. If you co- “Anon!” You look down to Twilight to see her looking rather cross for some reason that you can’t fathom. Maybe she saw the squiggly too? “Yes?” you ask with some irritation. “Were you listening at all?” she asks with an accusing look. Did she really expect you to? The incredible quandary that is the eye squiggly is far more important. “...Yes..?” you reply, sounding more like a question. “Ok then, repeat their names please.” Twilight says as she levels you with a flat look. Damn. No wait, you can do this. Anonymous never loses at guessing games. Never. “Ok...” You point to the white unicorn with the fancy mane. “Marshmallow.” She obviously expected you to remember her name, if the indignant huff she replies with is any indicator. Next is the orange one. “Redneck.” This one gives you a confused, but unamused look. The rainbow one. You stop to look at her for a moment. For the strangest reason you have the urge to hit on this one. You don’t know why, but this pony will get the D at some point and you probably have something funny to say afterward. Still can’t remember her name though. “Faggot.” “It’s Raindow Dash, you jerk!” The pink, bubbly one is next. This one must be on coke, because it has to be impossible to be this perpetually happy. Ah, that’ll work. “Charlie Sheen” She just giggles. “Thats a funny name! Is there anypony else named that? I bet they-! You tune her out and keep going. Now, the last one. “Yellow-quiet.” She looks up at you with large, teal eyes and says something so low that you can’t hear it. Hey, you got that one right. At least one of them lives up to their name. You smirk at Twilight, who looks about ready to bash her face into the ground in a fit of frustration. “Told ya I can remember.” “Is this a good idea?” Rarity asks quietly to her friends as they slowly make their way to a general store to get tape. To her, this seems like it’s going to end horribly. “What exactly? You’re going to have to going to have to be more specific, a lot of things lately seem to have been bad ideas.” Twilight says back. “Darling, I don’t mean to question your integrity, but this Anon fellow doesn’t seem to be the most trustworthy.” The others nodded in agreement, except for Pinkie who is walking a little ways back with Anon, chatting his nonexistent ear off. Twilight sighs and looks at them. “I know that, but he promised me to teach me whatever this is in return for getting on my nerves earlier. After all, who would be so cruel to mix a trick into an apology?” That seemed to defuse the arguments of her friends, but Rarity still can’t help but feel apprehensive. She is not a connoisseur of magic like her fellow unicorn, but she does know enough to realize that conjuration and the conjured creatures themselves tend to be far more indirect and scheming than they appear. This ‘Anon’ does not look like any sort of conventional summon. The fact that Twilight had explained that he needed preparation to be brought to Equestria only makes it seem even more suspicious. But then again, Twilight would know more then her... At least Anon has excellent taste in clothes, that much she can’t deny. The fashionista can’t help but wonder where he got the suit. Rainbow takes the lull in conversation to pipe up.”Twi, are you sure this guy won’t pull anything? Just gimme the word and I’ll pummel him!” she says, boxing at the air. ’At least Rainbow seems to be taking this semi-seriously, even if it is in her usual crass manner,’ Rarity thinks to herself. “I’m sure, Rainbow. He can’t be that strong. If he was I’m pretty sure that he would’ve gone on a rampage by now,” Twilight replies with a matter-of-fact tone. “He’s nothing that we can’t handle, if he gets out of line than it should be a simple matter to stop him.” Just as Twilight said that, Rarity can only think of one phrase. ’Famous last words...’ Author's Note Wow, it took me forever to get this up. Schoolwork and CCNA testing has been eating my time with a vengeance. As usual, tell me if you spot something wrong, I know some stuff was missed, Chapter 4You, meanwhile were listening to the pink puffball run her mouth faster than a coked up nigger runs from the police. Which is actually pretty impressive when you think about it. This is beginning to get boring, and you hate it when things get boring. So it might be time to split when you get the chance.Thinking to yourself in a moment of lucidity, you jot down a mental list of things you want to get done while here in Equestria. Visiting Ceil... Sale...Sun Horse is a must. She was the one who first summoned you, so you want to see her again, for old time’s sake...and maybe to try and coax some free sex out of her. Because damn, dat juicy booty. As for everything else you want to do... you draw a blank. It’s not too surprising really, considering you were summoned here without any sort of warning. Now, to get out of here... “AndthenweallwentbacktoSugarcubeCornerandhadabunchof-!” Which might take a bit longer than you hope it will. You just need to lose crackhead here and you’re golden. “Hey, Pinkie, was it?” She stops mid ramble and smiles brightly at you. “Yup yup yup! That’s me! Whacha need?” Alright here we go, now how to get out of this one? If this place is as retarded as you think it is, then something really simple should work. “You dropped your pocket,” you say, pointing down at the ground in front of her. Pinkie raises a confused eyebrow and looks down at her hooves, only to find nothing but the dirt beneath them. “Hey... you can’t drop your pockets...” The party pony looks back up. “Anny, what did ya mean by...” she trails off when she sees that you’re nowhere to be found. “Anny?” Pinkie asks with confusion. The pink pony twists her head completely around with a sickening sound in search of you, only to find nothing even resembling an eldritch abomination. That could’ve gone better. What in the world could her new friend be doing? He wouldn’t be getting into trouble, now would he? Nah. Then, a sudden thought hits the pink earth pony, making her jaw drop at her own forgetfulness. With a slip and a jump, Pinkie takes off. So much to do... “Jeebus fuck, this place is more barren than Rosie O’Donnell’s vagina!” After ditching the cotton candy horse, a walk along the scenic route through town on a valiant quest for duct tape seemed like a good idea. The only thing is, there is absolutely no one around. How that could be possible in a town of all places, you’re not all that sure. But it sure as hell pisses you off. Towns mean people, people mean targets, targets mean fun. It’s a simple formula. Apparently that seems to be just too much to ask for. Fine then, this little horse town can be that way. You can find your own fun. But where the fuck are you going to find wax shavings and gasoline? Or bottles and old rags for that matter? Molotov cocktails don’t make themselves. Wandering up to someone’s house, you see their address on the side of their mailbox is 242. Fucking droll, but you could make it better. Pulling the little metal numbers off, you put them back in different order, now a much better 422. “They’ll thank me later. Now, what ne-” A wonderful smell wafts over you, making you stop thinking of arson and messing with people’s addresses to take a deep whiff of the wonderful aroma. “Ohhhhh... blueberry....” Turning to face the origin of the fantastic, fruity smell, you spy a steaming fresh pie sitting out on someone’s windowsill. It’s totally not like this is a cliché of cartoons at all. Nope, not one bit. But that’s beside the point. You meander up to the tasty confection and look down at its still warm top. ’Eat me, Anon,’ a voice says, no higher than a whisper Your head shoots up the instant you hear the ghostly voice. A quick scan around shows you that you are totally alone. Who was voice? ’Do it. No one has to know’ You back up a few steps and look around again, thoroughly creeped out. Is this town haunted? You really hope not. “Man, this is some /x/ shit right here.” ’Don’t deny me, Anon. You have no right.’ It’s more hostile this time. God damn, where is that voice coming from? Could it possibly b- You stop for just a moment and looked over at the pie still sitting innocently on the windowsill. Back the fuck up, you have to be going crazy if you think it’s a dessert of all things trying to threaten you. ‘But I’m not threatening you, I’m simply stating a fact. Give in and eat me’ Nope. “Nope.” And with that, you turn to leave. ‘Coward.’ You stop midstride and turn back around to look at the pastry, your jaw dropped in disbelief. Did this thing really just insult you? ’You’re too afraid. You won’t do it,’ it quips irritatingly. With a snarl, you begin to march up to the window sill but stop. This is a pie that’s getting on your nerves. You’re above such a stupid thing, so you settle with arguing instead. “Yes I would. Don’t make me come over there!” ’Whatever, I know you won’t do it, chickenshit.’ If you had eyes, one of them would be twitching right now. “Oh yeah? I fucking would. Better stop now if you know what’s good for you.” ’Come over here and prove it then.’ “I don’t need to. I know I would and that’s all I need.” Meanwhile More than one set of eyes peer out of windows at the scene unfolding outside, looking at the large biped seemingly talking to himself. Wait a minute... he’s not talking to himself... “Is he... is he screaming at that window sill?” one voice asks. “I think it might be screaming at the pie sitting on it,” another one quietly replies. Back with you ‘Yeah, whatever.’ “Last. Fucking. Time.” This is getting on your nerves quick, fast, and in a hurry. What ghost in their right mind would ever possess a dessert of all things? It must have been one fat bastard in life. ’Your mom called and said you wouldn’t.’ That’s it! With a primal scream of rage, you surge forward with the force of 10 million pissed off neckbeards, arms extended and hands open ready to tear into that mother fucking pie. Meanwhile, the girls continue to trudge along in search of a shop that hasn’t been closed for the day thanks to your explosive introduction. So far, it’s all been for naught. None of them have even realized that you’re not even there anymore, having preferred to run off in a fit of ADD. With the exception of Pinkie, that is. Who had run off as well. “So what we are looking for again? Duct tape?” Rainbow asks for the seventeenth time as she flutters lazily over the group. “Fer tha last time, Rainbow, yes, we’re out-n-about fur tape. Why? I dun rightly know,” Applejack answers, giving Twilight an ugly look at the end of her sentence. To her credit, the unicorn doesn’t so much as flinch at the farmer’s hard stare. “Girls,” she begins, “it’ll be fine. Anonymous is only capable of mischief at best. Even if this is a trick–which I’m positive it’s not–then it’ll be an inconvenience at most.” Applejack remains unimpressed, while the worried look Rarity has been wearing the whole time grows ever so slightly. Rainbow, however, seems slightly intrigued. “This guy is into pranks? He can’t be all bad then,” she says, but then quietly sniffs and adds: “Probably not as good as me or Pinks though.” Twilight shakes her head at of the reaction of her friends, then turns to the butter yellow pegasus next to her. “Fluttershy? What do you make of all this?” The pegasus is silent for a moment, then says quietly, “I’m not too sure at all, really...” before lapsing back into silence for a moment. “I think that we should just be careful.” Twilight finds herself nodding at the short, but sound logic. “What do you think, Pinkie?” There’s no response. The group stops and looks back, all of them holding expressions of bewilderment as their sixth member is nowhere to be found. “Oh my gosh! What if that creep foal-napped her?!” Rainbow exclaims, immediately putting all her friends on edge. “Ah knew that critter was no good!” Applejack all but shouts, her expression morphing into fury. “We gotta find em quick!” “Wait wait wait!” Twilight cuts in, trying to stop the snowballing situation. “We can’t just jump to conclusions!” Her friends all stop and turn to look at her with incredulous stares. Surely the young bookworm can’t be serious? “Twilight, you can’t honestly be advocating for that ghastly creature, can you? From what you’ve said, he has only caused trouble since you brought him here,” Rarity says, deciding to jump in on the conversation as well. Twilight feels her face pale. How had this gone so horribly wrong? Now she’s reduced herself to defending someone she doesn’t even like in order to keep what little of her integrity was left. But it’s okay after all, she could handle this. Right? “Look girls,” Twilight starts out somewhat shakily. “I know that this has just been a big hassle so far and I’m sorry about that, but I promise to fix this all up,” she says, her voice gaining confidence as she goes. “We’ve faced Nightmare Moon and Discord and prevailed without a problem, and Anon can’t possibly be any more dangerous than them. This is just a minor issue at best,” Twilight concludes, her seldom-used charisma making itself apparent. Even with some doubt readily apparent, the other four mares murmur their agreements. “Kay, if that’s the case, then me and Fluttershy will look from the air and let you guys know if we find anything,” Rainbow says. “Comon ‘Shy!” Rainbow races up high into the sky, blasting through a cloud in a streak of color, leaving her butter yellow friend to follow along at a more sedate pace. It takes the pair of pegasi only a minute to find your wayward self, and even less time to begin circling the spot midair. “C’mon girls!” Bonbon is a simple pony. She knows what she wants out of life and just how to get it. More than one of her neighbors have commented on her patience and levelheadedness. “For the last time, you WILL pay me back for stealing that pie and busting out my wall!” ...Patience and levelheadedness that is being severely tested. By whom? None other than yourself, of course. “And I’m telling you, that fucking thing was possessed! It wanted me to eat it like some masochist. When was the last time you had an exorcism in your little candy shop? Because I think you may have built the place on some twisted fetish dungeon.” The cream-colored mare’s face scrunches up into the most interesting expression, like she mixed a mask of pure annoyance with a healthy amount of disbelief. Or she could be constipated. Candy is dandy, but fruit helps you poop. Maybe you should tell her that? Before you can impart your age old wisdom, she interrupts you. “Look,” Bonbon starts, her expression melting into one of boredom, “one way or another, you’re going to pay me back. It would be much easier if you just gave in.” You? Giving up? This little pony has no idea she’s messing with, does she? “Why was it so important to you, anyway? It can’t be too hard to just make another one without needing to drag me into it.” She rolls her eyes. “One, it wasn’t for me. Two, I would be a lot more inclined to forgive you if it weren’t for the fact the you busted out my entire windowsill,” she says with a frown, pointing at the large hole in the wall on the side of her shop. “How do you know that was me?” you question coyly. If Bonbon’s expression was any flatter, you’d swear that she just took a 2 x 4 to the face. “Okay, maybe it was me. But maybe I can repay you in some... other way?” you say suggestively. The mare in front of you raises an eyebrow. “I do have something I can give you a return, but we might want to go inside before I give it to you,” you say, not so subtly motioning back to her candy store. She’s totally unimpressed. “Alright then... you obviously didn’t get what I’m trying to tell you, so let’s try again. It’s not really something material, but I can guarantee that you’ll enjoy it.” Again, Bonbon’s face is like stone. “It’s a pie of the cream variety?” Come on, she has to be messing with you, no one could possibly be this dense. “Would you just tell me what you’re trying to say?” she finally asks. “Agh! Baby, hop on the pee-pee!” you yell in her face as you grab your junk and shake it like a noisy baby. “I’m a lesbian,” she says with the most deadpan tone you ever heard. “And I think that you’re going to fix my wall.” Rainbow and Fluttershy land nearby, shortly followed by the others running around the street corner, stopping you from going full rape on Bonbon. What is this? Hound Anonymous day? This must be what Justin Bieber feels like if he wasn’t such a fruit. The lesbian-in-denial rushes up to you, a storm of anger in her eyes. “WHERE’S PINKIE!?!?” she all but screams as she gets right up in your face. You bring a hand up and wave it around your face, your expression one of disgust. “I have no idea where that drug addict went, but I do know you need to brush your teeth. Tell your girlfriend that she smells like fish.” She sputters in embarrassment, before recovering and leveling you with a glare that might’ve made someone else piss themselves. The others quickly trot their ways up, a noticeable amount of confusion on their faces. “Alright, varmint, where did ya hide Pinkie?” Orange Applehat asks with an accusing stare. “Like I told lesbo here,” you say as you point to Rainbow, “I have no idea. If you lost her, then I can safely say that she didn’t follow me.” The farmer seems to pick up the truth in your words and turns her friends to give them a nod. While the others mull over what you told them, Twilight notices the enormous hole in the wall of the candy store and the irritated Bonbon standing not too far away. Twilight looks up at you. ”Anon, just what have you been up to?” “Oh you know, same old same old,” you tell her, dodging around the question. “He went berserk on a pie I left in the windowsill, then tried to turn around and offer me sex as compensation. I said no,” Bonbon tells Twilight in her infuriatingly ‘I-couldn’t-give-less-of-a-fuck’ voice. God damn, does anything ever get on her nerves? Twilight facehoofs so hard that it’s a wonder she didn’t break her nose. Looking back up at you, she says; “Anon? Remember our little agreement? My first order is for you to help Bonbon fix her wall at her earliest convenience.” Enough rage to put /v/ to shame on its worst day boils through you. Being ordered around is such bullshit... but you already made the agreement to occasionally do something for your summoner. You’ll be sure to use better wording on your next agreement with a conjurer. The unicorn turns back to the earth pony, an apologetic smile firmly planted on her face. “I’m sorry about him. What time do you want him over to help?” The candy maker waves off Twilight’s concern. “I’ll come to you once I get everything sorted out. Until then, expect me sometime this week.” And with that, Bonbon turns and makes her way back to her shop. With that business sorted out, you and your oh-so-kind summoner turn back to her friends to find them still talking about where the pink menace could be. You just tune them out, seeing as how it’s not like you would be of any use in the conversation. “Oh no...” Rarity says suddenly, her marshmallow face contorting itself in alarm as all eyes are drawn to her. “Girls... what’s that one thing Pinkie always does when there’s a new resident in town?” Author's Note Next on up. I know that there is still a ton of mistakes on the older chapters, and I'll get to it soon. DerpedRainbow, I still have the edited CH3 you gave me but the formatting was beyond fucked. It'll take me some time to get it straightened out. Don't think I've spurned your help, because I certainly haven't. Chapter 5It’s slow going as you and the five fruity horses trudge back to Twilight’s treehouse. What the hell could have them all so worked up? It’s not like you just told them you were going to toss a canister of nerve gas in the school or something. After all, why waste expensive shit like that on kids? By now, the townsponies have calmed down from their collective heart attack and are standing cautiously away from you and the five girls. Strangely enough, however, a lot of them seem to be missing. Some others have still refused to come out of their homes in favor of cowering like chicken-shits. Wait, does that make them chicken if you’re actually something to be afraid of and not some phobia that jews make up to sell medicine? Is the pants-shitting terror justified? You should ask Twilight sometime, she seems bright enough to hold a frustratingly arbitrary conversation with. "Hey, Anon was it?” Rainbow asks, looking at you with a warning expression. “Pinkie is probably getting as many ponies as she can together at the library to throw you a ‘Welcome to Ponyville’ party. You will NOT freak out and you will NOT ruin this for her. She’s trying to be nice. Got it?” she asks as she gets right into your face. That’s adorable, Skittles thinks she can order you around like some feminist screaming about privileges all the time. Although you’ve shoved broom handles into assholes for less, you may as well humor her for now. “Yeah yeah. Party, enjoy it for Pinkie, yatta yatta, I get it,” you tell the flying pony, not really meaning half of what you say. But of course, she doesn’t pick up on the sarcasm in your voice and just nods with a pleased expression. God this place is naïve. But hey, not everything can be bad. You are, after all, getting a free party just by being summoned to this place. Who doesn’t love a free party? ...Then again, it’s being thrown by a cotton candy horse, so for all you know it could be like some brat’s sixth birthday party. If that happens... You discreetly pat the breast pocket of your coat and grin like a madman, feeling the familiar weight of a flask sitting within. Can ponies handle their liquor? Let’s find out... There is so much that can be said about the way that a pony holds themselves. It is after all, how they present themselves to prying eyes, to those who judge and compare themselves to others for whatever reason. The wealthy and respected move quickly and deftly, their faces prime examples of stoicism. Country-goers, who live peacefully and quietly, are always slow and methodical. Those who dare to risk life and limb in the service of others, the royal guard, wasted no effort in anything they do and would never dare let another see their true, inner thoughts. But ‘are there others?’ you may ask. There are, and the most prominent of the varied masses are the Equestrian royalty. Grace without equal, grace that would make onlookers believe that the royalty glide rather than walk. A visage of wizened kindness, the sort that should only be present on the faint smile of an elder as she looks upon grown children. And most of all, the infallibility, the reproachless way of which they stand, telling others that they speak no evil and can do no wrong. It’s the majesty of the Equestrian royalty. The ones who are revered as gods cloaked within a beautiful vessel of flesh. And it’s everything that Celestia has thrown out the fucking window. "*snort* Hehehehe!” The pegasus guards standing silent vigil in front of the throne of princess Celestia’s throne shift nervously. Her Majesty has done nothing but sit and giggle to herself with mischievousness painted on her face since the letter from Twilight Sparkle had arrived. Glancing to his partner, the guard on the right subtly catches his attention with a few minute movements of his head. The one on the left returns the look, before making an almost unnoticeable gesture to the alicorn behind them. Righty looks as well and gulps, doing his best to make it as inaudible as he can. The princess is acting so strangely... Meanwhile, Celestia gives all her effort to remain still on her throne, but is still antsy. Ugh, keeping up appearances can be so trying. But wow, Anonymous had been summoned. It’s almost mind boggling to think of him after he has been away for so long. Sure, Anon could be as bad as Discord at times... Then again, Discord couldn’t be bribed into behaving. To think, her old familiar is now roaming the world again, and under the command of her student no less. Absentmindedly, Celestia wonders if Twilight has figured out that Anon can’t disobey orders when they are worded correctly... Knowing Anon, he likely never mentioned it and probably never will. That damnable phrase took so long for Celestia to guess. Oh well, she’ll learn eventually. The sun deity glances out one of the stained-glass windows at her namesake, noting that the time must be creeping into the afternoon. Where has the day gone? Oh right, she’s been sitting here wondering what sort of hijinks Anon and the elements must be getting into. Hopefully Anon can keep a lid on the more destructive activities that he seems woefully prone to. It would be a shame to have to dispel him if the demon got into undue trouble. Like the fiasco with the minotaur dignitaries 1500 years ago... that was one time that having him around went disastrously wrong. Of course he would decide right then that making a bunch of ‘bullshit’ jokes would be funny. Then Celestia is struck with a sudden thought. Luna doesn’t know, does she? Oh how it will grate at her nerves just knowing that Anon is back. Those two practically define ‘best frenemies’. The younger alicorn never knew her sister kept Anon around just to annoy her half the time. Celestia turns her attention down to the two guards who stand silently on either side of her throne. Even if others can’t see it, the ivory alicorn notices just how much she’s probably frayed their nerves. Why not give them a rest while she goes and informs Luna of the recent developments? Two birds with one stone, no? The alicorn clears her throat. “Brightsteel, Garrison,” she starts, getting both of the guards to whirl about and stop when they faced her, each holding a salute. Celestia gives them both cursory glances before moving her gaze to one of the stained-glass windows. “I have several things of importance I wish to discuss with my sister. As such, you two may be dismissed for the rest of the day.” The pair of pegasi slowly drop their salutes with looks of confusion. Being dismissed for the rest of the day? That’s more or less a paid day off. What’s so important that the princess couldn’t wait until their shift ended? But alas, as simple guards, they are in no position to question the apparent generosity. Both bow their heads low, almost touching the floor, before rising and heading for the door at the end of the throne room. Once they have left, the princess rises to her hooves and leisurely begins the walk to Luna’s room in the tallest tower of the castle, where she is likely reading or sleeping. As she walks, Celestia’s eyes are drawn to the windows that depict numerous historical moments in history. Barely visible on many of them is a green-coated pony in a suit far in the background of each one. And it looks like he may be put into a few more with how the elements attract trouble. Exiting the vast throne room with her long strides, Celestia can’t help but suppress a grin at the thought. Her trip to Luna’s room is unhurried, letting the ruler stop a few times to converse with other residents of the castle, many of whom seem surprised with how joval their princess is. Is today a special date that they didn’t know about or something? Even Blueblood was subject to Celestia’s bright attitude. He had no idea it was going to screw him over. Said stallion is walking along, having just left his room to make a trip to the tailors to fix an unsightly hole in his lapel jacket. Normally he would send a servant to do such a menial chore, but this is his favorite one, so why would he trust them to not sully or damage it any further with their filthy hooves? It is, after all, clothing fit only for royalty and as such must be properly taken care of. That goes double since it belongs to him, of all ponies. And that means that this is something that he can only trust with himself. The life of a prince... it’s one of arduous difficulty and never ending work... Looking at the high-class garment held in his magic, Blueblood starts to slowly brood over the incident where he last wore it. The Grand Galloping Gala. It’s the biggest party in all of Equestria, held for only the most esteemed and wealthy in the land. It’s a time where the truly elite can gather and socialize with equals without the grubby masses of commoners constantly breathing down their necks. No one really knows who was the first to present the idea of the Gala, but for years Blueblood had given silent thanks to the unnamed soul for bringing about such a grand reprieve from the common folk. Now? He curses the same nameless pony. He wouldn’t have had to deal with the humiliation of the last Gala if there simply wasn’t one of all. His face was all over the media. Normally, this would please the royal pony to no end... if they weren’t slandering his good name over something that wasn’t his fault. It made him the laughing stock of Canterlot and the embarrassment of the royal family. Blueblood grits his teeth in anger. It wasn’t his fault! It was that wench, Rarity’s! Why can’t anypony seem to understand that!? “No no, calm yourself Blueblood...” he says quietly to himself as he makes his way to the end of the hallway. “It’s unbecoming of one such as yourself to be upset over something as simple as this.” He takes a deep breath and forces the unpleasant thoughts of his fall to infamy away. His mind clear, the prince begins to wonder just how to fix his reputation. It can’t be that hard, can it? Still deep in thought, the pompous pony turns into a window-lit hallway, not noticing his aunt is there as well and is walking in the same direction as him. Looking up from the shirt in his magic, he finds the smiling visage of Celestia. “Blueblood, nice to see you as always. How has your day been so far?” Celestia asks sunnily. The blonde unicorn blinks at the unexpected question. It’s not everyday that his aunt breaks her calm disposition. He regards the taller pony with curiosity. “Well enough, I suppose, Auntie. Or it would be well if my lapel jacket didn’t have a hole in it,” he says somewhat sullenly. Celestia nods idly, not really caring about the petty problem. Blueblood goes back to inspecting his jacket, but looks at the springy steps of his aunt out of the corner of his eye. Something quite impressive must have developed if Celestia is willing to break her royal decorum. “Auntie,” he says, getting Celestia’s attention, “you seem quite gleeful today. Over what, I have no idea. Could you perhaps enlighten me?” The alicorn’s lips rise into a small, mysterious smile. “Oh, nothing much to concern yourself with, dear nephew. But if you are truly curious, then an old friend of mine has been spotted near Ponyville. I hope he finds his way here before long.” Blueblood can’t hide his astonishment. An old friend of his aunt’s? This pony must be positively ancient! But the revelation begs another question. What could he be doing in a town full of bumkins like Ponyville? “Truly, Auntie? He must be important if you’ve known him for so long.” The sun deity nods jovally. “Indeed. In fact, he’s been indirectly involved with a number of historical moments.” Turning to inspect a blue decorated hallway that the pair happen upon, Celestia begins to walk down it, but not before addressing her nephew one final time. “Anyway,” Celestia says, looking back at Blueblood, “I must go talk with my sister. It’s been nice seeing you, my dear nephew. I hope the rest of your day is enjoyable.” For a moment, the stallion watches his aunt walk away, his mind buzzing with questions about the individual in Ponyville. Who was he? How does he know Celestia? Looking down all the bright hallways, Blueblood sees that he is alone. Good. Soundlessly casting a muffling spell on his hooves, the prince stealthily follows the ivory alicorn against his better judgment. The trip to Luna’s room is short and Celestia doesn’t seem to suspect or realize that she is being followed as she enters the large set of dark-colored double doors, the threshold to the moon princess’s chambers. There are no guards outside the door, as Luna finds them to be nuisances more than anything. Poking his tongue out of his mouth in concentration, the prince slowly walks up to the doors and presses an ear against the cool wood, listening for anything that might be of interest. …”No! Thou must be jesting!” Luna’s unmistakable voice says. “I am not. Twilight has found him and he is currently staying with her in Ponyville,” says Celestia’s gentle voice with a hint of amusement weaved into it. “But how? We firmly believed that it would be impossible to bring him back!” “Apparently not~” “Sister! Do not make light of the situation! The demon is in Ponyville threatening our subjects! We...” Blueblood pulls his head away from the door, his ears laid back in bewilderment. Apparently there is a demon in the hick town as well as his aunt’s friend? What a strange development... Then it hits him. Oh what a marvelous, devious, most clever plan! A way to right everything and overshadow every wrong that has ever been supposedly committed with his name. Unbidden, a wide grin comes to Blueblood’s face. It is all so perfect! All he needs to do... Is slay the demon, save the town, and rescue his aunt’s likely frail friend from harm! It would instantly make him the top celebrity of Equestria! But he can’t go about this like a simpleton. No, not at all. Turning and leaving the door to Luna’s chambers, the scheming stallion sets off to find the castle blacksmith, the thoughts of repairing the hole in his jacket completely discarded. Author's Note Here it is. You know the drill, point out typos and stuff to me. Allyboy, Ask and ye shall receive.
IntroIt’s a bright and sunny morning as usual in the peaceful land of Equestria. But today, something quite different is going on in the Ponyville residence of one Twilight Sparkle. Flash! Twilight grins as she dismisses yet another summoned creature, a stone golem small enough to fit in her hoof. This morning she had come across a dusty old tome behind a bookshelf containing instructions on one of the most obscure magical arts there is. Conjuration! There are a number of pages missing from the old book, and although Twilight mourned the fact that she would never be able to use them, the young unicorn mage decided to simply use the other spells. So far it’s been a blast! So many different little creatures that she could pull from various realms. “I bet Fluttershy would want to be a unicorn just to get her hooves on these spells,” Twilight says to herself. “Twi? Is it really safe to be playing with that book? You could summon something we can’t handle...” Spike says from his spot on a ladder as he sorts some books on a bookshelf. “Oh Spike,” Twilight begins mirthfully, “I’m sure that we can keep anything I summon under control. I mean, what’s the worst that could happen?” Spike turns back to his sorting, but not before grumbling, ‘Now that you’ve said that...’ The young dragon isn’t stupid. He knows that the excitement of learning something new is blinding his surrogate sister to the possible dangers something as unexplored as conjuration magic involves. Meanwhile, Twilight goes back to her book, scanning over the aged paper for something especially interesting to conjure up. Flipping several pages, she stops on one that requires a summoning circle. She tilts her head in curiosity... Could this be an especially exotic creature? Well, there’s only one way to find out! Before she gets up to find some chalk for the circle, Spike’s words ring in her head. ‘You could summon something we can’t handle...’ Twilight shakes the thought away. So far, everything she summoned has been small and harmless; this book must only pertain to a manageable tier of summoning creatures. Besides, even if it’s not, she is the prize student of the one and only Princess Celestia. Not much can throw Twilight off. Assured in her decision, the unicorn trots off to find something to draw the summoning circle with. A piece of chalk, several messed up spell circles, and some frustrated grumbling later, the circle is ready. “Perfect!” the violet mage chirps as she looks down at the complicated spell catalyst. Its main part is a large star within a circle overlaying a stylized ‘A’ along with numerous other bits and pieces all tangled together to form a complex, almost artistic piece of spell assistance. This summon must be quite a doozy, as another look at the book says requires verbal phrases as well as active magic. Powering up her horn, Twilight looks at the book and reads the phrases as she pumps the circle full of arcane energy.Tiny threads of pure life force seep into the pattern on the floor, lighting it up as if to burn the floor. “Ipse est de tot vultus, ille unum identitatis. Inordinatio efformarunt, per omnia saecula tenebrarum...” But instead of the hardwood floor burning, the thin fabric of reality begins to sizzle away around the circle instead. “Hoc regnum fero, quod est offero...” The void between worlds is crossed in an instant, woven together by the threads of magic Twilight produced. “Clamorem meum, oh immensum unum...” She didn’t even have the faintest idea of what she just invited into Equestria. “Ex alto inferni et horrorem praebeat sine nomine terrae...” The sheer absurdity, a mere idea growing into a force of nature. “Tu legionis non dimiseritis, nec alieno...” For a brief instant, every being in the world felt a cold chill run down their spine. A primal instinct telling them that something to fear would soon be upon them. “Te accerso Anonymous …” In the deep frigid pit of Cocytus, where sinners and demons most foul lurk, a small movement disrupts the almost eternally still land. A single footstep echoes out, fading into the distance of the icy hell. A green hand finds its way to the neck of its owner, where it adjusts a red tie. A face devoid of features looks up into the dark expanse of hell’s ninth layer, wondering just why it’s been summoned. But a call is a call, and it looks like it’s time to go to work. In a shining pillar of light, the figure disappears. Twilight steps back as the summoning circle becomes too bright to look at. Wow! This must be one incredible creature for such a grand display before its arrival. None of the others even came close to this. The circle brightens to a level almost inconceivable, enough to blind Twilight if she hadn’t been looking away. In a final blinding flash and bone rattling hum of power, the circle begins to die. Looking back, Twilight blinks through the spots in her vision to see just what sort of creature she had brought forth this time. It looks like a... The...the whatever is, is tall. Standing at a height that even Princess Celestia would be forced to crane her neck upward to meet its gaze. It looks similar to an ape, standing upright and having arms the end in hands that split into individual digits. The tall being is clad in a three-piece suit and shined shoes. The whole ensemble is black, sans for the white undershirt and the red tie. Its exposed skin is a solid, monotone green. When she looks at its face, Twilight can’t help but gasp. There is nothing where it should possess a face. No eyes, no nose, no mouth, no ears. Just smooth skin. Maybe she should have listened to Spike... It looks around, taking in the sights of the library with its nonexistent eyes before it turns its attention to her. “You called?” it asks simply. Twilight feels icy claws of fear dig into her stomach. The summon spoke in not one voice, but many overlapping one another. As if many different beings were sharing one body. This thing... it’s not natural... what has she done? Despite herself, Twilight nods shakily. “Then you must know the price...” Price? There was a price!?! What in the world could this abomination want? None of the other intelligent creatures wanted anything in return. Why does this one something? “W-what is the price..?” It leans down, emphasizing its enormous size, then whispers one thing to her. “Your soul...” Oh dear Celestia! This thing is a soul eating monster and she just released it into the world! This is so bad, so very, very ba- “Or you could show me your crotch tits.” “...What?” Author's Note A funnier take on the evil known as Anonymous. Next part should be up in awhile.
Chapter 1“...What?” The huge creature pulls back up to its full height and crosses its arms, clearly annoyed with her response. “You heard me. I demand tits, or the live and tortured soul of a living being. It’s your choice,” it says with a huff. What the buck is going on here? Is this thing really demanding something like that? Is that even relevant to anything here? You are Anonymous, personification of the human internet and grand arch-demon. Right now, you’re pretty annoyed with this purple horse. Not only did she have the nerve to summon you in some random dimension you can only vaguely remember, but she did so without any payment ready! What a cunt. You watch as she slowly pieces everything together. Her mind finally comes back into working order. “What exactly do you mean...?” she asks, worry coloring her tone. Holy. Shit. Is this little horse that dense? You asked in the most blunt manner possible and she STILL asks that? “Tits, boobs, bazangas, funbags, globes, pillows, mammaries, GREAT MAGUMBOS! Are you telling me that you don’t have them!?” Your summoner goes atomic red in her face, whether from anger or embarrassment, you can’t tell. Then you get an idea... “Oh I get it. Are you a trannie? That’s okay, traps work too,” you say with a wide grin, a mouth forming on your face. She blanches and gives you a creeped out look, ”NO!” You raise an eye-less eyebrow in amusement. “Well,” you start, “you have to pay me if you want me to deliver on your request. So it’s a soul or boobs, the choice is yours.” The equine summoner takes a step back. “What if I don’t want anything of you?” she asks cautiously. You feel the smile fall off your face, to be replaced with a scowl. Why? Why do a ritual as extensive as one like yours only to do nothing? “Okay bitch, if you’re going to be like that then do the dismissal spell. False alarms are something I hate.” She recoils at the curse but complies as she uses telekinesis to lift a summoning tome in front her face. Hold up... You feel a frown forming on your face as you read the title of the book the unicorn is reading. Incipiens rector ut Ferstigon, aka Beginning guide to conjuration. What the hell is a ninth layer conjuration spell doing in something like that? Meanwhile, Twilight is scanning through the conjuration book like a possessed mare. This is only a little mess up, absolutely nothing she can’t fix. But to her dismay, she can’t seem to find anything that resembles a high level dismissal spell. Did she really just summon this thing without a way to send it back?! “Give me that!” Faster than she could follow, a green hand lashes out and tears the book from her magic grip. ”Hey!” Twilight says, distressed at the theft. “Give that back!” You ignore her and flip through the pages, skimming over everything until you get to the page with your summoning on it. Just as you do, the page falls out as if it were never attached in the first place. Picking it up, you see that’s just the case. This is a page from a different book. “Well smart one, it looks like someone pulled a fast one on you and put my ritual in this copy of ‘Babby’s first conjuration’. Despite this actually being pretty funny, you still need to find a way to dismiss me. If you can’t do it within the next few minutes then I’m going to call on that payment,” you say, your grin coming back to your face. Shock finds its way onto her expression. ”Bu-but but!” she stutters pitifully. You throw your arms up and sigh in an overly dramatic manner. Looks like someone didn’t read the fine print. “Look horsey, the terms and conditions of that summoning are all plain as day on that page. Call me, pay me, I do your request, you dismiss me. Unless you didn’t read all of that like a retard.” “My name is not ‘horsey!’ I’m Twilight Sparkle! As for the contract...” Twilight trails off, mild shame welling up in her, “I can’t read some of the stuff in the book...” Holy fuck, how stupid can one person get? Who goes and plays with volatile shit like magic without knowing what they’re doing. “What the fuck were you thinking? I don’t think you realize just how dangerous this can get. What if you brought something worse than me? Like the spirit of Rob Schneider?!? DO YOU WANT THAT ABOMINATION TO WALK THE WORLD AGAIN?! TO DOOM THE PLANET TO UNFUNNY MOVIES AND BAD ACTING!?” you shout as you pick her up and shake her by the withers. “NO NO!! I DON’T WANT THAT!” she screams just as loudly as you, with terror written on her face, before it vanishes for look of confusion. “Wait, who’s Rob Schneider?” You drop Twilight, making her fall roughly to her rump. “Oof!” “Not important, but he needs to stay dead. I hope you can pull some sort of learning experience from this.” She stands back up and gives you the biggest, cheesiest smile she can. “Maybe we can just write this all off as a learning experience? No harm done and I won’t summon you anymore?” “No.” Her faces falls. “Sucks to suck, but that still doesn’t dismiss me or pay me. Time to make up your mind or by the terms of the contract... I’ll be allowed to take what I want by force,” you tell her, your grin stretching to an unsettling size. She looks ready to panic but stops and manages to put up a brave front. “How about no? I summoned you, so that means you work for me regardless according to the book,” Twilight says, taking a step forward and holding her head high. You laugh. “Ha! You have a nice poker face, but do you really think you can take on me? A demon from the absolute lowest level of hell? Sorry Sparky, I could wreck your shit with one hand. You obviously didn’t read the warnings about conjuring up something more powerful than yourself.” She deflates and goes back to looking nervous. “... Are you sure there’s no way around this?” “One hundred and ten percent. You didn’t read the fine print, so it’s a soul or some oddly located titties. Don’t be a Jew about this.” Twilight sits for for a moment, looking around desperately, as if something in the library would help her out of this predicament. It seems that luck is not her side however as no deus ex machina is popping out of the woodwork to save her. ”Are you sure...? No other way...?” You give her a flat look. “I don’t think you realize what it’s like to be summoned and then not paid. It’s not like stiffing a waiter on a tip. It’s more like ordering a pizza then telling the delivery guy to fuck off as you throw a box of pissed off camel spiders on him. This is all a bit more complex than you realize.” She stalls for a minute more, then finally sighs in defeat and slowly raises herself up on her hind legs, her face going so red you think her head might explode. Hiddliy ho! Titties, here we go! You crouch down to get a better look. Boobs are boobs and you’re not willing to be picky the species of the owner. Twilight’s are nice, no doubt, but the award for the best horse tits you had ever seen would remain with... What’s her name? Celestia? You can’t even remember why she summoned you but you do remember a pretty sweet fight with some ugly chimaera. “Heh.” Acting on a total impulse, you snake your hand under her and... “Pinchy pinch!” Twilight’s eyes widen to the size of dinner plates. WHAM!!!! Faster than you thought possible, you greet the hardwood floor with your face. You groan as you taste some blood in your mouth. God damn, that was a really mean right hook. Raising yourself up, you spit out a bloody tooth and look back over to your summoner, who looks beyond mortified. Once Twilight notices you’re up, her face transforms into a look of pure rage. ”I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU DID THAT!” she screams in your face. You grin widely, showing off the nice new hole in your smile. “Not my fault, you’re the one who trusted a demon. Who really is the unbelievable one here?” you say with a snicker. Hehe, you felt mare boobs. She grits her teeth as thin wisps of smoke begin to rise from her mane and tail, lazily floating up and disappearing. “You might want to get that checked out. I’ve heard of cases of people spontaneously combusting for some reason or another. Usually because they hold their farts in or something.” ”YOU! YOU ARE INSUFFERABLE!” she screams again, this time her mane and tail catching fire, but strangely not making anything else go up in an inferno. She rants and raves about just how inappropriate that was, acting like you were a 12-year-old who got caught with his mom’s dildo and not an eon old horror from the absolute deepest depths of the negative karmatic afterlife. Twilight calms down some as the flames go out, leaving her soot covered and panting. “Feel better?” you ask cheekily. She glares at you. “Why don’t you just dispel yourself? If you say you could this whole time...” You shake your head in a negative. “Nah, there are a lot of upsides to being as fucking awesome as I am. The ability to do traditional magic is not one of them, though, so it looks like you’re stuck with me until you can figure out that spell.” Twilight sighs. “Joy...” she says mirthlessly. “Aww, c'mon now. I’m not THAT bad of company. I think I can say with certainty that I can keep your life entertaining as long as I’m here,” you say as you crouch down and put an arm around her shoulders. “Oh, I’m sure,” she responds, her voice practically dripping with sarcasm. “Hey, you got what you were looking for. Not my fault that you didn’t think this through.” She looks like she wants to refute you, but sighs and just shakes her head. She’s obviously not in the mood to try and fight with you. “You know? I don’t think we were ever properly introduced. Seeing as how I’m stuck here until you figure out how to dispel me, it might be a good idea to get acquainted,” you say with a thoughtful rub of your chin. Twilight’s eyes widen. “Wait! What makes you think that you’re staying here? After that stunt I have no intention of leaving keeping you in town!” “For one, once you summoned me, I became your responsibility. No if’s, and’s, or but’s.” You feel a sly smile creeping up onto your face. “Plus, don’t act like you didn’t enjoy me fondling you. I’m open for it anytime you know, and with me living here...” You duck under a lavender ball of energy that flies behind you and right out an open window, where you hear an explosion and a cry of, “My leg!” “That was hardly called for...” She puffs herself up to go on another rant but stops as you stick your hand out in front of her for handshake. “Name’s Anonymous, personification of the old-world Internet.” Twilight looks like she wants to fight your staying here so hard but gives up, too tired to deal with you anymore. She puts her hoof in your hand and shakes. “I’m Twilight Sparkle, the town librarian,” she says, not giving away her other titles such as Celestia’s student or the element of magic. “And I guess I could let you stay...” You smile, but feel it fall when she continues. ”On the condition that you do something to pay me back for living here,” she says, sounding a little smug at the end. Ohhhhh, so it’s going to be like that? “Alright, sure. How about this? Since I am technically a summon, you tell me stuff to do every once in awhile and I’ll do it,” you say with the straightest face you can. You fail to tell her that you plan on putting your own spin on whatever she asks. Really, she has it coming. ”Deal,” Twilight says jovially, not knowing she’s quite literally made a deal with the devil. The atmosphere goes silent and almost immediately turns awkward, so you decide to lighten it up. “So I guess now is a bad time to tell you that that whole ’contract’ business was just a bunch of BS I made on the spot?” Anypony passing the library around noon that day would wonder just what all the enraged screaming was about, but none of them would be brave enough to try and find out. Author's Note Yeah, the little part at the end was me and some editers talking, I left it in by mistake. The story has already been planned beyond this point so it's not going to have any impact.
Chapter 2You pull yourself from beneath the collapsed and splintered bookshelf with a groan. God damn, Sparkle has some crazy powerful telekinesis. Dusting off the broken bits of wood and dirt from your suit, you look up and see your oh-so pleasant summoner still fuming over the fib she was told. Seems like some people, er, ponies...can’t take a joke. Twilight drops the look of rage for one of exhaustion. ”I still can’t believe you... all of this because I can’t dispel you?” she asks. “Exactly, it’s what I do. I COULD have done something much worse... but I’m not really feeling up to it today,” you reply casually with a shrug. The purple pony can’t help but turn away from you, worry painted on her face from how easily you said that you could do worse. “Twilight? Is it over?” the voice of a young boy asks hesitantly. Both you and the unicorn turn your heads to look at the stairs, where a knee-high lizard is peeking out from the top. Its eyes fall on you and widen so far you swear they were about to fall out of its head. “Yes Spike, it’s over, and it was successful...” Twilight cuts her gaze to you. “Sort of.” Sort of? She pulls off a ninth level summoning, gets you of all beings, and calls it a ‘sort of’ success? Wow. “Way to be a cunt...” you mumble under your breath. ”What was that?” Twilight asks sharply, narrowing her eyes as she caught the end of the whispered insult. Ok then. Taking a ludicrously deep breath that makes your chest swell, you cup your hands around your mouth and restate yourself. “I SAID, WAY TO BE A CUNT! ARE YOU HARD OF HEARING MISS SPARKLE?!” you shout at the absolute top of your lungs, making the whole building rattle with your voice. Both she and the lizard cringe at the volume. Once both have recovered, the lizard looks at Twilight in confusion and asks, “Twi? What's a ‘cunt’?” She goes red in the face, likely from embarrassment, and tries to stutter out a reply. “It’s...it’s a not-so-nice term for... for... Just don’t use that word, okay? It’s not proper to use.” “It’s a curse word for girly-parts, kid.” Twilight shoots you a glare so fearsome that a lesser being may have gone up in flames and run around screaming as they cook like a whole pig at a redneck picnic. You, however, just stifle some snickers behind your hand. The lizard tilts his head, a look of confusion still firmly on his face. “Whatever you say,” he says slowly in response. The unicorn just sighs for the umpteenth time today and turns back to you. She bites her lip for a moment, obviously trying to think of what to say next. Then, like a bolt of lightning, it hits her. Why not ask Princess Celestia for help? If anypony is capable of restoring order to this whole mess then would have to be the age-old sun deity. Twilight stops that train of thought right then and there. There's no way she could tell Celestia about a screw-up this colossal. Irresponsible use of a summoning ritual that could possibly, and most likely, be demonic in origin? Now that had to be worthy of punishment. But does she have any other choice? Anonymous already confirmed that he is more powerful than her and determined to cause havoc until he’s dispelled, and with no dismissal spell that could be a while. With an audible gulp, the unicorn quickly levitates over a sheet of parchment along with a quill and hastily scrawls out a letter asking for help along with a healthy dose of ass kissing to hopefully smooth this over some. Without any delay, Twilight shoots the letter over to Spike. “Spike, please send that and quickly!” The young dragon does as he's told and incinerates the parchment in a breath of emerald flame, sending the bits of ash out of an open window. Now all she has to do is wait… You, meanwhile, watch with a raised eyebrow. What in the world are they trying to accomplish by burning stuff? As fun as that is, it's not all that productive. Oh well, you've got better things to worry about. Like has this little library got anything to eat? God damn you’re starving. Celestia sits upon her throne in her usual position: Back straight, hooves evenly spaced, and a façade of a gentle smile and caring disposition firmly in place. Not that her caring nature is faked, but rather it becomes more routine than anything after a while.If she were totally honest with herself, things had gotten extremely boring in her life. Other than the occasional crisis that the Elements took care of and the seldom occurring mix-up in schedule, castle life is rather dull and the average day was easily forgettable. The worst part is that there is almost no surefire way to rid her of such debilitating monotony. Her political and personal power may be unlimited, but she couldn't go around using it in any way she wished anymore, like in the old days. Now, she gets called out for minor incidents and is expected to be a figurehead with a pretty face. The princess closes her eyes and thinks. No matter what, there had to be SOMETHING she could do, something to stop the damned bord- Her thoughts are cut off as a letter materializes in front of her in a swirl of arcane energy. Wish granted, apparently. Thankful for the distraction, Celestia opens the letter and scans over the rather sloppy contents. Is her student writing letters while drunk? It's not even five o'clock yet. Near the end of the letter she feels her eyes widen in enormous surprise. Is that where the page of her personal summon book went? And Twilight summoned none other than Anonymous, the Old World Terror to boot? Well, looks like everything just got interesting again. Thinking of a response, Celestia grins and writes it out on a fresh sheet of paper. “I hope you have fun with this, my faithful student. I know I will…” “Does this make you mad? OCD getting to you?” You turn yet another picture frame slightly at an angle, making your mulberry-colored summoner grit her teeth in anger and fix it again with a flash of purple from her horn. Before you can do any more harm—or well, what an autistic brat would consider harm—a rolled up scroll phases into existence in front of Spike in a belch of flame. He passes it to his surrogate sister. With rabid abandon, she tears off the ribbon holding it closed and scans her eyes over it. The further she reads in, the more and more her face falls. By the end of it, she looks like someone got her a puppy for christmas then put it in a giant blender right in front of her. She looks at the letter she received in absolute shock. Of all the things that she could have received in return, she gets this!?! To sum up the entire letter, it more or less said ‘This is your problem, fix it yourself.’ She was just left alone with a demon of unknown power and the instructions of ‘do-it-yourself’ when it comes to a solution. “Ohhhh, that sucks. Oh well! Looks like I'm staying here!” you say with a malicious grin. This is going to be more fun than you’ve had in centuries. Twilight looks between you and the letter several times, seemingly ready to burst into hysterical tears. Good, day one isn't even over and you know how to push her buttons. Maybe before your time here is over you get to push her OTHER buttons. Huehue. "Well," she starts as she takes a calming breath “what in the world am I supposed to do with you? In fact, where do we even start?” “Well, what were you doing before you brought me here? I mean, only a dipshit would think of just going off some random tangent after a problem.” She scowls at the indirect insult. “I was learning the finer points of summoning. Seems I didn't do too well when it came to you.” You feel your grin lesson some. Traditional magic is not your strong suit and the conjuration falls within the irritatingly wide net of “traditional”. “Yeah, have fun with that. I'm total shit at magic, so no help from me. Got a TV around here?” you ask, looking around some. "TV?” She asks with a raised eyebrow. “And that is…?” “Yeah, um… Okay, picture your mother. Got that?” You get an unsure nod in return. “Good, you picture her NOT being a filthy whore then turning into one while shamelessly vying for attention on cameras where millions of others can see her. Now you have half of the reality TV shows there ever were.” "T-that didn't answer anything!” “The contrary,” you say with a finger raised an exclamation, “you weren't specific enough with your question so I gave you an answer that fit the badly worded context. Reality TV is garbage and only promotes attention whoring, remember this little life lesson. Since you obviously don't have idiot-boxes here then at least I don't have to deal with that shit anymore.” You raise yourself up and take a glance at the book still in your hand before tossing it back to your summoner, who catches it in aura of purple. She looks the conjuration manual over for any damage and smiles when she finds none. Looking back up at you, Twilight frowns and says, “You know, I don't really know that much about you. Maybe you could answer some questions?” Oh lawdy here we go. You may as well indulge her since she's going to let you stay here. That and she showed you her tits. “Yeah, I guess. Just try to make sure that it's not really convoluted stuff.” For the first time today a real smile comes to her face. Leading you over to a couch as she levitates some parchment and a quill, Twilight racks her brain for her questions. "Okay, I guess first things are first-” “They would have to be, you can’t really have anything before ‘first’, numbnuts.” She narrows her eyes at the interruption. “As I was saying... What exactly are you? As in species or race?” “Well,” your hands come together in a clap “I happen to be the personification of an old world information sharing superhighway capable of connecting any and all persons on the globe together using specific input devices. It was all called the Internet. More specifically I am the idea of the anonymity that users have when conducting interactions within said Internet given form. Give a man a mask and he will show you his true face, and none of us are as brutally honest as all of us. You getting all of this?” Twilight looks back between you and the parchment, her expression a rather hilarious mix of frustration, confusion, and intrigue. "Sooo, you’re an idea? But how does that work? Ideas can’t be tangible! That’s impossible.” What’s this chick’s deal? She can do magic and summon creatures from other planes of existence, yet she wants to go on about what is possible and not? The autism is strong in this one. “I’ve never been one to play by the rules, I guess. So fuck you and your impossibilities,” you say, using your best Donte voice for the ‘fuck you’. Fucking Crapcom, they had to go and totally sink that series... By now, Twilight is just going along with what you say and obviously trying to stave off some sort of breakdown, if her frazzled mane and slowly dilating pupils are anything to go by. Seems like it’s always the brainy ones who are prone to snapping and totally losing their shit. It’s sad, but funny. Maybe if you’re lucky this will end in some kooky genocide. "Fine, okay, be that way. What I meant to ask is what sort of summon are you?” “It’s not obvious? I’m a Demon Lord, did you expect something else? Heh, sorry, cunt.” Twilight stops and feels her blood turn to ice in her veins. Did she just hear that correctly? A Demon Lord? As in the ruthless engine of destruction capable of killing low-level gods? This guy? Her fright leaves her just as quickly as it came. There’s no way that Anonymous is that high up on the proverbial summoning totem pole. He outright claimed to be bad at magic and so far has just caused trouble that hasn’t been overly difficult to manage. He doesn’t even have the building-crushing size or the aura of malevolence that one would expect from a demon of any sort. So he must be another weak summon. One who just likes to blow smoke and make trouble. After all, his summoning page was in the beginning conjuration book, so it must’ve been there for a reason. Content with her reasoning, the mulberry unicorn smiles and thinks of her next question. You watch the entire time as Twilight’s face shifts between different emotions before finally settling on one of self-assurance. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out that she decided not to believe you. How delightfully sperg-like. Deny it if it doesn’t fit into your plans and wants. Her loss though, so you’re not going to cry over it. Maybe you can actually get away with more like this...? No time like the present. "Say, Twilight? How would you like to learn a special technique? Just as a way to kind of say ‘I’m sorry’ for the stuff I pulled.” Holy shit, if she takes this bait and you can die happy. You force down your laughter as her eyes light up at the prospect of learning something new. Nerds never change. "I can see that you’re in agreement with that. This is something that everyone back in the day knew about and the results always surprised them.” "Well? What do we do!” she exclaims excitedly. So trusting... Too bad it’s going to come back and bite her in the ass. “Ok, first things we need are some metal spoons and duct tape...” Author's Note Next one is up. Let me know if you see anything wrong.
Chapter 3Right after you mention the materials, Twilight gives you a rather dubious look. Obviously she can see that this has the potential to go wrong. An instant later though, the expression melts away to be replaced with almost endearing excitement at the notion of learning something so new. It’s always the naïve ones, they make the greatest bait. Idly, you wonder if this is going to hurt her, then you dismiss the thought. If it does, then it’ll be hilarious as well as a lesson for her not to listen to everything she hears. Man, you’re going to hell... oh wait. Twilight’s voice cuts you from your thoughts. ”Anon, I don’t have any duct tape. Will anything else work?” she asks. You shake your head in a negative. “No, duct tape is honestly the only thing that will work for this. Every other tape brand out there will just puss out, and why don’t you have any duct tape? Do you have any idea how useful that shit is?” She looks at you with skepticism in her violet eyes. “Right, because duct tape is totally a staple,” she replies sarcastically. What kind of faggotry is this? You can practically feel the /diy/ part of you screaming for the blood of a certain mulberry-colored bitch. You pinch where the bridge of your nose would be if you had one in silence the tiny voice in the back of your head. “All right, I’m going to ignore that little quip from you, but I was serious when I said that we need some. And yes, you little ho-bag, I’m sure that no other will work.” Twilight closes her mouth and glares at you for the insult. “Do you need to put some sort of derogatory term in every sentence you speak?” She thought that this was bad? “RAT SHIT BAT SHIT! DIRTY LITTLE CUNT! 69 ASSHOLES TIED IN A KNOT! LIZARD PISS! FUCK! IS THIS ANY BETTER!?!” You scream with a grin on your face. ”No no no! Be quiet before somepony outside hears!” “My point, feel like complaining anymore?” you ask with the most innocent smile you can. In other words you may as well have been snarling like a rabid serial arsonist with a 24 hour stiffy. Twilight sighs for what seems to be the millionth time today. Looking up at you she says; “Let’s... let’s just go find this tape.” “Right behind ya, boss lady.” ”Spike! Watch the library!” she says as you and her start for the door, only for her to stop halfway with a look of realization on her muzzle. ”Wait! How my going to explain you?” she asks with some noticeable panic. It seems that nothing can be easy around here. “Isn’t this whole world nothing but magic, sugar, and all that other gay stuff? Why can’t you just tell them what happened and have them believe it?” you ask. After all, that is how this place works, right? Twilight seems to think otherwise. “No! We can’t do that! The whole town will be thrown into a panic and I would really rather avoid scaring everypony.” “Are you sure we can’t? Because scaring the shit out of everyone sounds like it would be fun!” “Yes, I’m 100% sure,” Twilight says, her tone leaving little room for argument. Fuck. “In fact, why are you coming with me? I could easily go out and pick up everything that we need by myself. For all I know, you could be coming along just to stir up trouble,” she says suspiciously. For an virgin-level sperg, it seems that your summoner is a little bit sharper than you give her credit for. Time for some damage control. “You know, news about me is probably going to get out pretty quick. Why even try and hide it? It’ll make you look pretty suspicious. Then before you know it, people are speculating about what color the wallpaper in your sex dungeon is.” Twilight rolls her eyes, “Anon, I have a good enough reputation that nopony is going to think I’m trying to hide something, much less something so perverted. As for you, I have enough faith in my abilities to find a way to dispel you in a timely manner.” “So much that you are willing to goof off to play with spoons and tape with me? Yeah, trust me when I say is going to take a lot more fucking effort than what you think you can pull off.” you tell her. C’mon, buy it. You want to have some fun here. “Back to the ‘not telling everyone’ thing. Say that you do try and hide me but everyone find out anyway. Do you know if it makes you? A liar. That reputation that you love so much will come down and shatter around you.” She’s beginning to look unsure. No one could ever accuse you of not being good at arguing. Hell, you’re the very embodiment of arguing. “You know what they say, ‘The bigger you are, the harder you fall’. That applies right here. If you bill yourself up on such a big pedestal like you say you have than one simple mistake is all will take to bring all crashing down like an orphan’s dreams.” you continue. Her eyes are looking around nervously. Good, it won’t be much longer now. “OK! You can come!” Twilight shouts, either frustrated with your talking or fearful that what you’re saying will come to pass. You grin. Today just got really fun. You and the tiny pony continue on to the door, but it seems that Twilight is not yet content with everything. As she opens the door, she looks up at you and asks; “Anon? How you get around without eyes? “My dear Twilight, I know anything and everything, why would I need eyes?” you say as you look upward with a smile and a shrug Just as you say that, you slam your chin into the low overhang of the doorway and bite out a curse. “I meant to do that.” The instant that you are both outside, you're met with a giant, technicolor-eyesore of a crowd all watching curiously from in front of the library. Looks like all the activities inside attracted quite a bit more attention than anyone would’ve realized. Hue hue, that’s your cue. You nudge Twilight and say; “Damn, I told you we were being too rough. I mean, the whole town heard it!” Disgusted whispers circulate through the crowd as Twilight’s jaw drops with the utter mortification that erupts within her. “What! No! Don’t listen to him! He’s a demon with a lying streak!” Twilight shouts, only to realize what she did a moment later. At the word ‘demon’, the whole crowd goes silent and immediately focuses every bit of their attention upon you. “She wasn’t joking.” One pony begins to back away, and others slowly follow. You don’t feel like giving them the time. “AWOGABOOGABOOGA!!” you shout as you flail your limbs like a kid with downs was having a seizure. The effect is instantaneous, like someone ran into a human airport screaming Arabic. a collective cry of terror comes from all of the ponies to scatter and run around like headless chickens, some crashing into inanimate objects while others crash into each other. In 10 seconds, the whole area is clear sans five brave individuals. In the distance, is still hear screaming and... was that an explosion? You look down to Twilight, who has her face buried in her hooves. “Well, I think my work here is done.” you say jovially. Nothing like causing some good old-fashioned mass panic. The five remainders trot up to you and your summoner, although the yellow one with wings needed to be coaxed by the sickeningly pink one. “Twai? Jus’ who is this?” says the one in the cowboy hat with a perfect redneck accent. Yeah, you definitely messing with this one letter. The purple unicorn looks up from her hooves to stare at the small group with a weary smile. “Girls, this is Anonymous. He’s a... creature that I accidentally summoned,” her smile drops with the next sentence. “He’s going to be staying here until I can find a way to send them back.” All of them catch their friends face falling and look up to you with guarded expressions, all except the pink one seems to be bouncing in place. ADHD anyone? Oh well, not your problem. Twilight goes about introducing them, but you can’t say you listened too well. Why? Because right in the edge of your vision, is that god damn transparent squiggly line that always seems to appear at random times. It annoys you to no end. That little fucking squiggly is there when you never think about it, but for some reason it can never show up whenever you want it to. If you co- “Anon!” You look down to Twilight to see her looking rather cross for some reason that you can’t fathom. Maybe she saw the squiggly too? “Yes?” you ask with some irritation. “Were you listening at all?” she asks with an accusing look. Did she really expect you to? The incredible quandary that is the eye squiggly is far more important. “...Yes..?” you reply, sounding more like a question. “Ok then, repeat their names please.” Twilight says as she levels you with a flat look. Damn. No wait, you can do this. Anonymous never loses at guessing games. Never. “Ok...” You point to the white unicorn with the fancy mane. “Marshmallow.” She obviously expected you to remember her name, if the indignant huff she replies with is any indicator. Next is the orange one. “Redneck.” This one gives you a confused, but unamused look. The rainbow one. You stop to look at her for a moment. For the strangest reason you have the urge to hit on this one. You don’t know why, but this pony will get the D at some point and you probably have something funny to say afterward. Still can’t remember her name though. “Faggot.” “It’s Raindow Dash, you jerk!” The pink, bubbly one is next. This one must be on coke, because it has to be impossible to be this perpetually happy. Ah, that’ll work. “Charlie Sheen” She just giggles. “Thats a funny name! Is there anypony else named that? I bet they-! You tune her out and keep going. Now, the last one. “Yellow-quiet.” She looks up at you with large, teal eyes and says something so low that you can’t hear it. Hey, you got that one right. At least one of them lives up to their name. You smirk at Twilight, who looks about ready to bash her face into the ground in a fit of frustration. “Told ya I can remember.” “Is this a good idea?” Rarity asks quietly to her friends as they slowly make their way to a general store to get tape. To her, this seems like it’s going to end horribly. “What exactly? You’re going to have to going to have to be more specific, a lot of things lately seem to have been bad ideas.” Twilight says back. “Darling, I don’t mean to question your integrity, but this Anon fellow doesn’t seem to be the most trustworthy.” The others nodded in agreement, except for Pinkie who is walking a little ways back with Anon, chatting his nonexistent ear off. Twilight sighs and looks at them. “I know that, but he promised me to teach me whatever this is in return for getting on my nerves earlier. After all, who would be so cruel to mix a trick into an apology?” That seemed to defuse the arguments of her friends, but Rarity still can’t help but feel apprehensive. She is not a connoisseur of magic like her fellow unicorn, but she does know enough to realize that conjuration and the conjured creatures themselves tend to be far more indirect and scheming than they appear. This ‘Anon’ does not look like any sort of conventional summon. The fact that Twilight had explained that he needed preparation to be brought to Equestria only makes it seem even more suspicious. But then again, Twilight would know more then her... At least Anon has excellent taste in clothes, that much she can’t deny. The fashionista can’t help but wonder where he got the suit. Rainbow takes the lull in conversation to pipe up.”Twi, are you sure this guy won’t pull anything? Just gimme the word and I’ll pummel him!” she says, boxing at the air. ’At least Rainbow seems to be taking this semi-seriously, even if it is in her usual crass manner,’ Rarity thinks to herself. “I’m sure, Rainbow. He can’t be that strong. If he was I’m pretty sure that he would’ve gone on a rampage by now,” Twilight replies with a matter-of-fact tone. “He’s nothing that we can’t handle, if he gets out of line than it should be a simple matter to stop him.” Just as Twilight said that, Rarity can only think of one phrase. ’Famous last words...’ Author's Note Wow, it took me forever to get this up. Schoolwork and CCNA testing has been eating my time with a vengeance. As usual, tell me if you spot something wrong, I know some stuff was missed,
Chapter 4You, meanwhile were listening to the pink puffball run her mouth faster than a coked up nigger runs from the police. Which is actually pretty impressive when you think about it. This is beginning to get boring, and you hate it when things get boring. So it might be time to split when you get the chance.Thinking to yourself in a moment of lucidity, you jot down a mental list of things you want to get done while here in Equestria. Visiting Ceil... Sale...Sun Horse is a must. She was the one who first summoned you, so you want to see her again, for old time’s sake...and maybe to try and coax some free sex out of her. Because damn, dat juicy booty. As for everything else you want to do... you draw a blank. It’s not too surprising really, considering you were summoned here without any sort of warning. Now, to get out of here... “AndthenweallwentbacktoSugarcubeCornerandhadabunchof-!” Which might take a bit longer than you hope it will. You just need to lose crackhead here and you’re golden. “Hey, Pinkie, was it?” She stops mid ramble and smiles brightly at you. “Yup yup yup! That’s me! Whacha need?” Alright here we go, now how to get out of this one? If this place is as retarded as you think it is, then something really simple should work. “You dropped your pocket,” you say, pointing down at the ground in front of her. Pinkie raises a confused eyebrow and looks down at her hooves, only to find nothing but the dirt beneath them. “Hey... you can’t drop your pockets...” The party pony looks back up. “Anny, what did ya mean by...” she trails off when she sees that you’re nowhere to be found. “Anny?” Pinkie asks with confusion. The pink pony twists her head completely around with a sickening sound in search of you, only to find nothing even resembling an eldritch abomination. That could’ve gone better. What in the world could her new friend be doing? He wouldn’t be getting into trouble, now would he? Nah. Then, a sudden thought hits the pink earth pony, making her jaw drop at her own forgetfulness. With a slip and a jump, Pinkie takes off. So much to do... “Jeebus fuck, this place is more barren than Rosie O’Donnell’s vagina!” After ditching the cotton candy horse, a walk along the scenic route through town on a valiant quest for duct tape seemed like a good idea. The only thing is, there is absolutely no one around. How that could be possible in a town of all places, you’re not all that sure. But it sure as hell pisses you off. Towns mean people, people mean targets, targets mean fun. It’s a simple formula. Apparently that seems to be just too much to ask for. Fine then, this little horse town can be that way. You can find your own fun. But where the fuck are you going to find wax shavings and gasoline? Or bottles and old rags for that matter? Molotov cocktails don’t make themselves. Wandering up to someone’s house, you see their address on the side of their mailbox is 242. Fucking droll, but you could make it better. Pulling the little metal numbers off, you put them back in different order, now a much better 422. “They’ll thank me later. Now, what ne-” A wonderful smell wafts over you, making you stop thinking of arson and messing with people’s addresses to take a deep whiff of the wonderful aroma. “Ohhhhh... blueberry....” Turning to face the origin of the fantastic, fruity smell, you spy a steaming fresh pie sitting out on someone’s windowsill. It’s totally not like this is a cliché of cartoons at all. Nope, not one bit. But that’s beside the point. You meander up to the tasty confection and look down at its still warm top. ’Eat me, Anon,’ a voice says, no higher than a whisper Your head shoots up the instant you hear the ghostly voice. A quick scan around shows you that you are totally alone. Who was voice? ’Do it. No one has to know’ You back up a few steps and look around again, thoroughly creeped out. Is this town haunted? You really hope not. “Man, this is some /x/ shit right here.” ’Don’t deny me, Anon. You have no right.’ It’s more hostile this time. God damn, where is that voice coming from? Could it possibly b- You stop for just a moment and looked over at the pie still sitting innocently on the windowsill. Back the fuck up, you have to be going crazy if you think it’s a dessert of all things trying to threaten you. ‘But I’m not threatening you, I’m simply stating a fact. Give in and eat me’ Nope. “Nope.” And with that, you turn to leave. ‘Coward.’ You stop midstride and turn back around to look at the pastry, your jaw dropped in disbelief. Did this thing really just insult you? ’You’re too afraid. You won’t do it,’ it quips irritatingly. With a snarl, you begin to march up to the window sill but stop. This is a pie that’s getting on your nerves. You’re above such a stupid thing, so you settle with arguing instead. “Yes I would. Don’t make me come over there!” ’Whatever, I know you won’t do it, chickenshit.’ If you had eyes, one of them would be twitching right now. “Oh yeah? I fucking would. Better stop now if you know what’s good for you.” ’Come over here and prove it then.’ “I don’t need to. I know I would and that’s all I need.” Meanwhile More than one set of eyes peer out of windows at the scene unfolding outside, looking at the large biped seemingly talking to himself. Wait a minute... he’s not talking to himself... “Is he... is he screaming at that window sill?” one voice asks. “I think it might be screaming at the pie sitting on it,” another one quietly replies. Back with you ‘Yeah, whatever.’ “Last. Fucking. Time.” This is getting on your nerves quick, fast, and in a hurry. What ghost in their right mind would ever possess a dessert of all things? It must have been one fat bastard in life. ’Your mom called and said you wouldn’t.’ That’s it! With a primal scream of rage, you surge forward with the force of 10 million pissed off neckbeards, arms extended and hands open ready to tear into that mother fucking pie. Meanwhile, the girls continue to trudge along in search of a shop that hasn’t been closed for the day thanks to your explosive introduction. So far, it’s all been for naught. None of them have even realized that you’re not even there anymore, having preferred to run off in a fit of ADD. With the exception of Pinkie, that is. Who had run off as well. “So what we are looking for again? Duct tape?” Rainbow asks for the seventeenth time as she flutters lazily over the group. “Fer tha last time, Rainbow, yes, we’re out-n-about fur tape. Why? I dun rightly know,” Applejack answers, giving Twilight an ugly look at the end of her sentence. To her credit, the unicorn doesn’t so much as flinch at the farmer’s hard stare. “Girls,” she begins, “it’ll be fine. Anonymous is only capable of mischief at best. Even if this is a trick–which I’m positive it’s not–then it’ll be an inconvenience at most.” Applejack remains unimpressed, while the worried look Rarity has been wearing the whole time grows ever so slightly. Rainbow, however, seems slightly intrigued. “This guy is into pranks? He can’t be all bad then,” she says, but then quietly sniffs and adds: “Probably not as good as me or Pinks though.” Twilight shakes her head at of the reaction of her friends, then turns to the butter yellow pegasus next to her. “Fluttershy? What do you make of all this?” The pegasus is silent for a moment, then says quietly, “I’m not too sure at all, really...” before lapsing back into silence for a moment. “I think that we should just be careful.” Twilight finds herself nodding at the short, but sound logic. “What do you think, Pinkie?” There’s no response. The group stops and looks back, all of them holding expressions of bewilderment as their sixth member is nowhere to be found. “Oh my gosh! What if that creep foal-napped her?!” Rainbow exclaims, immediately putting all her friends on edge. “Ah knew that critter was no good!” Applejack all but shouts, her expression morphing into fury. “We gotta find em quick!” “Wait wait wait!” Twilight cuts in, trying to stop the snowballing situation. “We can’t just jump to conclusions!” Her friends all stop and turn to look at her with incredulous stares. Surely the young bookworm can’t be serious? “Twilight, you can’t honestly be advocating for that ghastly creature, can you? From what you’ve said, he has only caused trouble since you brought him here,” Rarity says, deciding to jump in on the conversation as well. Twilight feels her face pale. How had this gone so horribly wrong? Now she’s reduced herself to defending someone she doesn’t even like in order to keep what little of her integrity was left. But it’s okay after all, she could handle this. Right? “Look girls,” Twilight starts out somewhat shakily. “I know that this has just been a big hassle so far and I’m sorry about that, but I promise to fix this all up,” she says, her voice gaining confidence as she goes. “We’ve faced Nightmare Moon and Discord and prevailed without a problem, and Anon can’t possibly be any more dangerous than them. This is just a minor issue at best,” Twilight concludes, her seldom-used charisma making itself apparent. Even with some doubt readily apparent, the other four mares murmur their agreements. “Kay, if that’s the case, then me and Fluttershy will look from the air and let you guys know if we find anything,” Rainbow says. “Comon ‘Shy!” Rainbow races up high into the sky, blasting through a cloud in a streak of color, leaving her butter yellow friend to follow along at a more sedate pace. It takes the pair of pegasi only a minute to find your wayward self, and even less time to begin circling the spot midair. “C’mon girls!” Bonbon is a simple pony. She knows what she wants out of life and just how to get it. More than one of her neighbors have commented on her patience and levelheadedness. “For the last time, you WILL pay me back for stealing that pie and busting out my wall!” ...Patience and levelheadedness that is being severely tested. By whom? None other than yourself, of course. “And I’m telling you, that fucking thing was possessed! It wanted me to eat it like some masochist. When was the last time you had an exorcism in your little candy shop? Because I think you may have built the place on some twisted fetish dungeon.” The cream-colored mare’s face scrunches up into the most interesting expression, like she mixed a mask of pure annoyance with a healthy amount of disbelief. Or she could be constipated. Candy is dandy, but fruit helps you poop. Maybe you should tell her that? Before you can impart your age old wisdom, she interrupts you. “Look,” Bonbon starts, her expression melting into one of boredom, “one way or another, you’re going to pay me back. It would be much easier if you just gave in.” You? Giving up? This little pony has no idea she’s messing with, does she? “Why was it so important to you, anyway? It can’t be too hard to just make another one without needing to drag me into it.” She rolls her eyes. “One, it wasn’t for me. Two, I would be a lot more inclined to forgive you if it weren’t for the fact the you busted out my entire windowsill,” she says with a frown, pointing at the large hole in the wall on the side of her shop. “How do you know that was me?” you question coyly. If Bonbon’s expression was any flatter, you’d swear that she just took a 2 x 4 to the face. “Okay, maybe it was me. But maybe I can repay you in some... other way?” you say suggestively. The mare in front of you raises an eyebrow. “I do have something I can give you a return, but we might want to go inside before I give it to you,” you say, not so subtly motioning back to her candy store. She’s totally unimpressed. “Alright then... you obviously didn’t get what I’m trying to tell you, so let’s try again. It’s not really something material, but I can guarantee that you’ll enjoy it.” Again, Bonbon’s face is like stone. “It’s a pie of the cream variety?” Come on, she has to be messing with you, no one could possibly be this dense. “Would you just tell me what you’re trying to say?” she finally asks. “Agh! Baby, hop on the pee-pee!” you yell in her face as you grab your junk and shake it like a noisy baby. “I’m a lesbian,” she says with the most deadpan tone you ever heard. “And I think that you’re going to fix my wall.” Rainbow and Fluttershy land nearby, shortly followed by the others running around the street corner, stopping you from going full rape on Bonbon. What is this? Hound Anonymous day? This must be what Justin Bieber feels like if he wasn’t such a fruit. The lesbian-in-denial rushes up to you, a storm of anger in her eyes. “WHERE’S PINKIE!?!?” she all but screams as she gets right up in your face. You bring a hand up and wave it around your face, your expression one of disgust. “I have no idea where that drug addict went, but I do know you need to brush your teeth. Tell your girlfriend that she smells like fish.” She sputters in embarrassment, before recovering and leveling you with a glare that might’ve made someone else piss themselves. The others quickly trot their ways up, a noticeable amount of confusion on their faces. “Alright, varmint, where did ya hide Pinkie?” Orange Applehat asks with an accusing stare. “Like I told lesbo here,” you say as you point to Rainbow, “I have no idea. If you lost her, then I can safely say that she didn’t follow me.” The farmer seems to pick up the truth in your words and turns her friends to give them a nod. While the others mull over what you told them, Twilight notices the enormous hole in the wall of the candy store and the irritated Bonbon standing not too far away. Twilight looks up at you. ”Anon, just what have you been up to?” “Oh you know, same old same old,” you tell her, dodging around the question. “He went berserk on a pie I left in the windowsill, then tried to turn around and offer me sex as compensation. I said no,” Bonbon tells Twilight in her infuriatingly ‘I-couldn’t-give-less-of-a-fuck’ voice. God damn, does anything ever get on her nerves? Twilight facehoofs so hard that it’s a wonder she didn’t break her nose. Looking back up at you, she says; “Anon? Remember our little agreement? My first order is for you to help Bonbon fix her wall at her earliest convenience.” Enough rage to put /v/ to shame on its worst day boils through you. Being ordered around is such bullshit... but you already made the agreement to occasionally do something for your summoner. You’ll be sure to use better wording on your next agreement with a conjurer. The unicorn turns back to the earth pony, an apologetic smile firmly planted on her face. “I’m sorry about him. What time do you want him over to help?” The candy maker waves off Twilight’s concern. “I’ll come to you once I get everything sorted out. Until then, expect me sometime this week.” And with that, Bonbon turns and makes her way back to her shop. With that business sorted out, you and your oh-so-kind summoner turn back to her friends to find them still talking about where the pink menace could be. You just tune them out, seeing as how it’s not like you would be of any use in the conversation. “Oh no...” Rarity says suddenly, her marshmallow face contorting itself in alarm as all eyes are drawn to her. “Girls... what’s that one thing Pinkie always does when there’s a new resident in town?” Author's Note Next on up. I know that there is still a ton of mistakes on the older chapters, and I'll get to it soon. DerpedRainbow, I still have the edited CH3 you gave me but the formatting was beyond fucked. It'll take me some time to get it straightened out. Don't think I've spurned your help, because I certainly haven't.
Chapter 5It’s slow going as you and the five fruity horses trudge back to Twilight’s treehouse. What the hell could have them all so worked up? It’s not like you just told them you were going to toss a canister of nerve gas in the school or something. After all, why waste expensive shit like that on kids? By now, the townsponies have calmed down from their collective heart attack and are standing cautiously away from you and the five girls. Strangely enough, however, a lot of them seem to be missing. Some others have still refused to come out of their homes in favor of cowering like chicken-shits. Wait, does that make them chicken if you’re actually something to be afraid of and not some phobia that jews make up to sell medicine? Is the pants-shitting terror justified? You should ask Twilight sometime, she seems bright enough to hold a frustratingly arbitrary conversation with. "Hey, Anon was it?” Rainbow asks, looking at you with a warning expression. “Pinkie is probably getting as many ponies as she can together at the library to throw you a ‘Welcome to Ponyville’ party. You will NOT freak out and you will NOT ruin this for her. She’s trying to be nice. Got it?” she asks as she gets right into your face. That’s adorable, Skittles thinks she can order you around like some feminist screaming about privileges all the time. Although you’ve shoved broom handles into assholes for less, you may as well humor her for now. “Yeah yeah. Party, enjoy it for Pinkie, yatta yatta, I get it,” you tell the flying pony, not really meaning half of what you say. But of course, she doesn’t pick up on the sarcasm in your voice and just nods with a pleased expression. God this place is naïve. But hey, not everything can be bad. You are, after all, getting a free party just by being summoned to this place. Who doesn’t love a free party? ...Then again, it’s being thrown by a cotton candy horse, so for all you know it could be like some brat’s sixth birthday party. If that happens... You discreetly pat the breast pocket of your coat and grin like a madman, feeling the familiar weight of a flask sitting within. Can ponies handle their liquor? Let’s find out... There is so much that can be said about the way that a pony holds themselves. It is after all, how they present themselves to prying eyes, to those who judge and compare themselves to others for whatever reason. The wealthy and respected move quickly and deftly, their faces prime examples of stoicism. Country-goers, who live peacefully and quietly, are always slow and methodical. Those who dare to risk life and limb in the service of others, the royal guard, wasted no effort in anything they do and would never dare let another see their true, inner thoughts. But ‘are there others?’ you may ask. There are, and the most prominent of the varied masses are the Equestrian royalty. Grace without equal, grace that would make onlookers believe that the royalty glide rather than walk. A visage of wizened kindness, the sort that should only be present on the faint smile of an elder as she looks upon grown children. And most of all, the infallibility, the reproachless way of which they stand, telling others that they speak no evil and can do no wrong. It’s the majesty of the Equestrian royalty. The ones who are revered as gods cloaked within a beautiful vessel of flesh. And it’s everything that Celestia has thrown out the fucking window. "*snort* Hehehehe!” The pegasus guards standing silent vigil in front of the throne of princess Celestia’s throne shift nervously. Her Majesty has done nothing but sit and giggle to herself with mischievousness painted on her face since the letter from Twilight Sparkle had arrived. Glancing to his partner, the guard on the right subtly catches his attention with a few minute movements of his head. The one on the left returns the look, before making an almost unnoticeable gesture to the alicorn behind them. Righty looks as well and gulps, doing his best to make it as inaudible as he can. The princess is acting so strangely... Meanwhile, Celestia gives all her effort to remain still on her throne, but is still antsy. Ugh, keeping up appearances can be so trying. But wow, Anonymous had been summoned. It’s almost mind boggling to think of him after he has been away for so long. Sure, Anon could be as bad as Discord at times... Then again, Discord couldn’t be bribed into behaving. To think, her old familiar is now roaming the world again, and under the command of her student no less. Absentmindedly, Celestia wonders if Twilight has figured out that Anon can’t disobey orders when they are worded correctly... Knowing Anon, he likely never mentioned it and probably never will. That damnable phrase took so long for Celestia to guess. Oh well, she’ll learn eventually. The sun deity glances out one of the stained-glass windows at her namesake, noting that the time must be creeping into the afternoon. Where has the day gone? Oh right, she’s been sitting here wondering what sort of hijinks Anon and the elements must be getting into. Hopefully Anon can keep a lid on the more destructive activities that he seems woefully prone to. It would be a shame to have to dispel him if the demon got into undue trouble. Like the fiasco with the minotaur dignitaries 1500 years ago... that was one time that having him around went disastrously wrong. Of course he would decide right then that making a bunch of ‘bullshit’ jokes would be funny. Then Celestia is struck with a sudden thought. Luna doesn’t know, does she? Oh how it will grate at her nerves just knowing that Anon is back. Those two practically define ‘best frenemies’. The younger alicorn never knew her sister kept Anon around just to annoy her half the time. Celestia turns her attention down to the two guards who stand silently on either side of her throne. Even if others can’t see it, the ivory alicorn notices just how much she’s probably frayed their nerves. Why not give them a rest while she goes and informs Luna of the recent developments? Two birds with one stone, no? The alicorn clears her throat. “Brightsteel, Garrison,” she starts, getting both of the guards to whirl about and stop when they faced her, each holding a salute. Celestia gives them both cursory glances before moving her gaze to one of the stained-glass windows. “I have several things of importance I wish to discuss with my sister. As such, you two may be dismissed for the rest of the day.” The pair of pegasi slowly drop their salutes with looks of confusion. Being dismissed for the rest of the day? That’s more or less a paid day off. What’s so important that the princess couldn’t wait until their shift ended? But alas, as simple guards, they are in no position to question the apparent generosity. Both bow their heads low, almost touching the floor, before rising and heading for the door at the end of the throne room. Once they have left, the princess rises to her hooves and leisurely begins the walk to Luna’s room in the tallest tower of the castle, where she is likely reading or sleeping. As she walks, Celestia’s eyes are drawn to the windows that depict numerous historical moments in history. Barely visible on many of them is a green-coated pony in a suit far in the background of each one. And it looks like he may be put into a few more with how the elements attract trouble. Exiting the vast throne room with her long strides, Celestia can’t help but suppress a grin at the thought. Her trip to Luna’s room is unhurried, letting the ruler stop a few times to converse with other residents of the castle, many of whom seem surprised with how joval their princess is. Is today a special date that they didn’t know about or something? Even Blueblood was subject to Celestia’s bright attitude. He had no idea it was going to screw him over. Said stallion is walking along, having just left his room to make a trip to the tailors to fix an unsightly hole in his lapel jacket. Normally he would send a servant to do such a menial chore, but this is his favorite one, so why would he trust them to not sully or damage it any further with their filthy hooves? It is, after all, clothing fit only for royalty and as such must be properly taken care of. That goes double since it belongs to him, of all ponies. And that means that this is something that he can only trust with himself. The life of a prince... it’s one of arduous difficulty and never ending work... Looking at the high-class garment held in his magic, Blueblood starts to slowly brood over the incident where he last wore it. The Grand Galloping Gala. It’s the biggest party in all of Equestria, held for only the most esteemed and wealthy in the land. It’s a time where the truly elite can gather and socialize with equals without the grubby masses of commoners constantly breathing down their necks. No one really knows who was the first to present the idea of the Gala, but for years Blueblood had given silent thanks to the unnamed soul for bringing about such a grand reprieve from the common folk. Now? He curses the same nameless pony. He wouldn’t have had to deal with the humiliation of the last Gala if there simply wasn’t one of all. His face was all over the media. Normally, this would please the royal pony to no end... if they weren’t slandering his good name over something that wasn’t his fault. It made him the laughing stock of Canterlot and the embarrassment of the royal family. Blueblood grits his teeth in anger. It wasn’t his fault! It was that wench, Rarity’s! Why can’t anypony seem to understand that!? “No no, calm yourself Blueblood...” he says quietly to himself as he makes his way to the end of the hallway. “It’s unbecoming of one such as yourself to be upset over something as simple as this.” He takes a deep breath and forces the unpleasant thoughts of his fall to infamy away. His mind clear, the prince begins to wonder just how to fix his reputation. It can’t be that hard, can it? Still deep in thought, the pompous pony turns into a window-lit hallway, not noticing his aunt is there as well and is walking in the same direction as him. Looking up from the shirt in his magic, he finds the smiling visage of Celestia. “Blueblood, nice to see you as always. How has your day been so far?” Celestia asks sunnily. The blonde unicorn blinks at the unexpected question. It’s not everyday that his aunt breaks her calm disposition. He regards the taller pony with curiosity. “Well enough, I suppose, Auntie. Or it would be well if my lapel jacket didn’t have a hole in it,” he says somewhat sullenly. Celestia nods idly, not really caring about the petty problem. Blueblood goes back to inspecting his jacket, but looks at the springy steps of his aunt out of the corner of his eye. Something quite impressive must have developed if Celestia is willing to break her royal decorum. “Auntie,” he says, getting Celestia’s attention, “you seem quite gleeful today. Over what, I have no idea. Could you perhaps enlighten me?” The alicorn’s lips rise into a small, mysterious smile. “Oh, nothing much to concern yourself with, dear nephew. But if you are truly curious, then an old friend of mine has been spotted near Ponyville. I hope he finds his way here before long.” Blueblood can’t hide his astonishment. An old friend of his aunt’s? This pony must be positively ancient! But the revelation begs another question. What could he be doing in a town full of bumkins like Ponyville? “Truly, Auntie? He must be important if you’ve known him for so long.” The sun deity nods jovally. “Indeed. In fact, he’s been indirectly involved with a number of historical moments.” Turning to inspect a blue decorated hallway that the pair happen upon, Celestia begins to walk down it, but not before addressing her nephew one final time. “Anyway,” Celestia says, looking back at Blueblood, “I must go talk with my sister. It’s been nice seeing you, my dear nephew. I hope the rest of your day is enjoyable.” For a moment, the stallion watches his aunt walk away, his mind buzzing with questions about the individual in Ponyville. Who was he? How does he know Celestia? Looking down all the bright hallways, Blueblood sees that he is alone. Good. Soundlessly casting a muffling spell on his hooves, the prince stealthily follows the ivory alicorn against his better judgment. The trip to Luna’s room is short and Celestia doesn’t seem to suspect or realize that she is being followed as she enters the large set of dark-colored double doors, the threshold to the moon princess’s chambers. There are no guards outside the door, as Luna finds them to be nuisances more than anything. Poking his tongue out of his mouth in concentration, the prince slowly walks up to the doors and presses an ear against the cool wood, listening for anything that might be of interest. …”No! Thou must be jesting!” Luna’s unmistakable voice says. “I am not. Twilight has found him and he is currently staying with her in Ponyville,” says Celestia’s gentle voice with a hint of amusement weaved into it. “But how? We firmly believed that it would be impossible to bring him back!” “Apparently not~” “Sister! Do not make light of the situation! The demon is in Ponyville threatening our subjects! We...” Blueblood pulls his head away from the door, his ears laid back in bewilderment. Apparently there is a demon in the hick town as well as his aunt’s friend? What a strange development... Then it hits him. Oh what a marvelous, devious, most clever plan! A way to right everything and overshadow every wrong that has ever been supposedly committed with his name. Unbidden, a wide grin comes to Blueblood’s face. It is all so perfect! All he needs to do... Is slay the demon, save the town, and rescue his aunt’s likely frail friend from harm! It would instantly make him the top celebrity of Equestria! But he can’t go about this like a simpleton. No, not at all. Turning and leaving the door to Luna’s chambers, the scheming stallion sets off to find the castle blacksmith, the thoughts of repairing the hole in his jacket completely discarded. Author's Note Here it is. You know the drill, point out typos and stuff to me. Allyboy, Ask and ye shall receive.
