You, meanwhile were listening to the pink puffball run her mouth faster than a coked up nigger runs from the police. Which is actually pretty impressive when you think about it. This is beginning to get boring, and you hate it when things get boring. So it might be time to split when you get the chance.Thinking to yourself in a moment of lucidity, you jot down a mental list of things you want to get done while here in Equestria.

Visiting Ceil... Sale...Sun Horse is a must. She was the one who first summoned you, so you want to see her again, for old time’s sake...and maybe to try and coax some free sex out of her. Because damn, dat juicy booty.

As for everything else you want to do... you draw a blank. It’s not too surprising really, considering you were summoned here without any sort of warning. Now, to get out of here...

“AndthenweallwentbacktoSugarcubeCornerandhadabunchof-!”

Which might take a bit longer than you hope it will. You just need to lose crackhead here and you’re golden.

“Hey, Pinkie, was it?”

She stops mid ramble and smiles brightly at you. “Yup yup yup! That’s me! Whacha need?”

Alright here we go, now how to get out of this one? If this place is as retarded as you think it is, then something really simple should work.

“You dropped your pocket,” you say, pointing down at the ground in front of her.

Pinkie raises a confused eyebrow and looks down at her hooves, only to find nothing but the dirt beneath them.

“Hey... you can’t drop your pockets...” The party pony looks back up. “Anny, what did ya mean by...” she trails off when she sees that you’re nowhere to be found. “Anny?” Pinkie asks with confusion.

The pink pony twists her head completely around with a sickening sound in search of you, only to find nothing even resembling an eldritch abomination. That could’ve gone better. What in the world could her new friend be doing? He wouldn’t be getting into trouble, now would he?

Nah.

Then, a sudden thought hits the pink earth pony, making her jaw drop at her own forgetfulness. With a slip and a jump, Pinkie takes off.

So much to do...

“Jeebus fuck, this place is more barren than Rosie O’Donnell’s vagina!”

After ditching the cotton candy horse, a walk along the scenic route through town on a valiant quest for duct tape seemed like a good idea. The only thing is, there is absolutely no one around. How that could be possible in a town of all places, you’re not all that sure. But it sure as hell pisses you off. Towns mean people, people mean targets, targets mean fun. It’s a simple formula.

Apparently that seems to be just too much to ask for. Fine then, this little horse town can be that way. You can find your own fun. But where the fuck are you going to find wax shavings and gasoline? Or bottles and old rags for that matter? Molotov cocktails don’t make themselves.

Wandering up to someone’s house, you see their address on the side of their mailbox is 242. Fucking droll, but you could make it better. Pulling the little metal numbers off, you put them back in different order, now a much better 422.

“They’ll thank me later. Now, what ne-”

A wonderful smell wafts over you, making you stop thinking of arson and messing with people’s addresses to take a deep whiff of the wonderful aroma.

“Ohhhhh... blueberry....”

Turning to face the origin of the fantastic, fruity smell, you spy a steaming fresh pie sitting out on someone’s windowsill. It’s totally not like this is a cliché of cartoons at all. Nope, not one bit. But that’s beside the point.

You meander up to the tasty confection and look down at its still warm top.

’Eat me, Anon,’ a voice says, no higher than a whisper

Your head shoots up the instant you hear the ghostly voice. A quick scan around shows you that you are totally alone. Who was voice?

’Do it. No one has to know’

You back up a few steps and look around again, thoroughly creeped out. Is this town haunted? You really hope not. “Man, this is some /x/ shit right here.”

’Don’t deny me, Anon. You have no right.’ It’s more hostile this time.

God damn, where is that voice coming from? Could it possibly b-

You stop for just a moment and looked over at the pie still sitting innocently on the windowsill. Back the fuck up, you have to be going crazy if you think it’s a dessert of all things trying to threaten you.

‘But I’m not threatening you, I’m simply stating a fact. Give in and eat me’

Nope. “Nope.” And with that, you turn to leave.

‘Coward.’

You stop midstride and turn back around to look at the pastry, your jaw dropped in disbelief. Did this thing really just insult you?

’You’re too afraid. You won’t do it,’ it quips irritatingly.

With a snarl, you begin to march up to the window sill but stop. This is a pie that’s getting on your nerves. You’re above such a stupid thing, so you settle with arguing instead.

“Yes I would. Don’t make me come over there!”

’Whatever, I know you won’t do it, chickenshit.’

If you had eyes, one of them would be twitching right now.

“Oh yeah? I fucking would. Better stop now if you know what’s good for you.”

’Come over here and prove it then.’

“I don’t need to. I know I would and that’s all I need.”

Meanwhile

More than one set of eyes peer out of windows at the scene unfolding outside, looking at the large biped seemingly talking to himself.

Wait a minute... he’s not talking to himself...

“Is he... is he screaming at that window sill?” one voice asks.

“I think it might be screaming at the pie sitting on it,” another one quietly replies.

Back with you

‘Yeah, whatever.’

“Last. Fucking. Time.”

This is getting on your nerves quick, fast, and in a hurry. What ghost in their right mind would ever possess a dessert of all things? It must have been one fat bastard in life.

’Your mom called and said you wouldn’t.’

That’s it! With a primal scream of rage, you surge forward with the force of 10 million pissed off neckbeards, arms extended and hands open ready to tear into that mother fucking pie.

Meanwhile, the girls continue to trudge along in search of a shop that hasn’t been closed for the day thanks to your explosive introduction. So far, it’s all been for naught. None of them have even realized that you’re not even there anymore, having preferred to run off in a fit of ADD. With the exception of Pinkie, that is. Who had run off as well.

“So what we are looking for again? Duct tape?” Rainbow asks for the seventeenth time as she flutters lazily over the group.

“Fer tha last time, Rainbow, yes, we’re out-n-about fur tape. Why? I dun rightly know,” Applejack answers, giving Twilight an ugly look at the end of her sentence.

To her credit, the unicorn doesn’t so much as flinch at the farmer’s hard stare. “Girls,” she begins, “it’ll be fine. Anonymous is only capable of mischief at best. Even if this is a trick–which I’m positive it’s not–then it’ll be an inconvenience at most.”

Applejack remains unimpressed, while the worried look Rarity has been wearing the whole time grows ever so slightly.

Rainbow, however, seems slightly intrigued. “This guy is into pranks? He can’t be all bad then,” she says, but then quietly sniffs and adds: “Probably not as good as me or Pinks though.”

Twilight shakes her head at of the reaction of her friends, then turns to the butter yellow pegasus next to her. “Fluttershy? What do you make of all this?”

The pegasus is silent for a moment, then says quietly, “I’m not too sure at all, really...” before lapsing back into silence for a moment. “I think that we should just be careful.”

Twilight finds herself nodding at the short, but sound logic. “What do you think, Pinkie?”

There’s no response.

The group stops and looks back, all of them holding expressions of bewilderment as their sixth member is nowhere to be found.

“Oh my gosh! What if that creep foal-napped her?!” Rainbow exclaims, immediately putting all her friends on edge.

“Ah knew that critter was no good!” Applejack all but shouts, her expression morphing into fury. “We gotta find em quick!”

“Wait wait wait!” Twilight cuts in, trying to stop the snowballing situation. “We can’t just jump to conclusions!”

Her friends all stop and turn to look at her with incredulous stares. Surely the young bookworm can’t be serious?

“Twilight, you can’t honestly be advocating for that ghastly creature, can you? From what you’ve said, he has only caused trouble since you brought him here,” Rarity says, deciding to jump in on the conversation as well.

Twilight feels her face pale. How had this gone so horribly wrong? Now she’s reduced herself to defending someone she doesn’t even like in order to keep what little of her integrity was left. But it’s okay after all, she could handle this. Right?

“Look girls,” Twilight starts out somewhat shakily. “I know that this has just been a big hassle so far and I’m sorry about that, but I promise to fix this all up,” she says, her voice gaining confidence as she goes. “We’ve faced Nightmare Moon and Discord and prevailed without a problem, and Anon can’t possibly be any more dangerous than them. This is just a minor issue at best,” Twilight concludes, her seldom-used charisma making itself apparent.

Even with some doubt readily apparent, the other four mares murmur their agreements.

“Kay, if that’s the case, then me and Fluttershy will look from the air and let you guys know if we find anything,” Rainbow says. “Comon ‘Shy!”

Rainbow races up high into the sky, blasting through a cloud in a streak of color, leaving her butter yellow friend to follow along at a more sedate pace.

It takes the pair of pegasi only a minute to find your wayward self, and even less time to begin circling the spot midair.

“C’mon girls!”

Bonbon is a simple pony. She knows what she wants out of life and just how to get it. More than one of her neighbors have commented on her patience and levelheadedness.

“For the last time, you WILL pay me back for stealing that pie and busting out my wall!”

...Patience and levelheadedness that is being severely tested. By whom?

None other than yourself, of course.

“And I’m telling you, that fucking thing was possessed! It wanted me to eat it like some masochist. When was the last time you had an exorcism in your little candy shop? Because I think you may have built the place on some twisted fetish dungeon.”

The cream-colored mare’s face scrunches up into the most interesting expression, like she mixed a mask of pure annoyance with a healthy amount of disbelief. Or she could be constipated. Candy is dandy, but fruit helps you poop. Maybe you should tell her that?

Before you can impart your age old wisdom, she interrupts you.

“Look,” Bonbon starts, her expression melting into one of boredom, “one way or another, you’re going to pay me back. It would be much easier if you just gave in.”

You? Giving up? This little pony has no idea she’s messing with, does she?

“Why was it so important to you, anyway? It can’t be too hard to just make another one without needing to drag me into it.”

She rolls her eyes. “One, it wasn’t for me. Two, I would be a lot more inclined to forgive you if it weren’t for the fact the you busted out my entire windowsill,” she says with a frown, pointing at the large hole in the wall on the side of her shop.

“How do you know that was me?” you question coyly.

If Bonbon’s expression was any flatter, you’d swear that she just took a 2 x 4 to the face.

“Okay, maybe it was me. But maybe I can repay you in some... other way?” you say suggestively.

The mare in front of you raises an eyebrow.

“I do have something I can give you a return, but we might want to go inside before I give it to you,” you say, not so subtly motioning back to her candy store.

She’s totally unimpressed.

“Alright then... you obviously didn’t get what I’m trying to tell you, so let’s try again. It’s not really something material, but I can guarantee that you’ll enjoy it.”

Again, Bonbon’s face is like stone.

“It’s a pie of the cream variety?” Come on, she has to be messing with you, no one could possibly be this dense.

“Would you just tell me what you’re trying to say?” she finally asks.

“Agh! Baby, hop on the pee-pee!” you yell in her face as you grab your junk and shake it like a noisy baby.

“I’m a lesbian,” she says with the most deadpan tone you ever heard. “And I think that you’re going to fix my wall.”

Rainbow and Fluttershy land nearby, shortly followed by the others running around the street corner, stopping you from going full rape on Bonbon. What is this? Hound Anonymous day? This must be what Justin Bieber feels like if he wasn’t such a fruit.

The lesbian-in-denial rushes up to you, a storm of anger in her eyes. “WHERE’S PINKIE!?!?” she all but screams as she gets right up in your face.

You bring a hand up and wave it around your face, your expression one of disgust. “I have no idea where that drug addict went, but I do know you need to brush your teeth. Tell your girlfriend that she smells like fish.”

She sputters in embarrassment, before recovering and leveling you with a glare that might’ve made someone else piss themselves.

The others quickly trot their ways up, a noticeable amount of confusion on their faces.

“Alright, varmint, where did ya hide Pinkie?” Orange Applehat asks with an accusing stare.

“Like I told lesbo here,” you say as you point to Rainbow, “I have no idea. If you lost her, then I can safely say that she didn’t follow me.”

The farmer seems to pick up the truth in your words and turns her friends to give them a nod.

While the others mull over what you told them, Twilight notices the enormous hole in the wall of the candy store and the irritated Bonbon standing not too far away.

Twilight looks up at you. ”Anon, just what have you been up to?”

“Oh you know, same old same old,” you tell her, dodging around the question.

“He went berserk on a pie I left in the windowsill, then tried to turn around and offer me sex as compensation. I said no,” Bonbon tells Twilight in her infuriatingly ‘I-couldn’t-give-less-of-a-fuck’ voice. God damn, does anything ever get on her nerves?

Twilight facehoofs so hard that it’s a wonder she didn’t break her nose. Looking back up at you, she says; “Anon? Remember our little agreement? My first order is for you to help Bonbon fix her wall at her earliest convenience.”

Enough rage to put /v/ to shame on its worst day boils through you. Being ordered around is such bullshit... but you already made the agreement to occasionally do something for your summoner. You’ll be sure to use better wording on your next agreement with a conjurer.

The unicorn turns back to the earth pony, an apologetic smile firmly planted on her face. “I’m sorry about him. What time do you want him over to help?”

The candy maker waves off Twilight’s concern. “I’ll come to you once I get everything sorted out. Until then, expect me sometime this week.” And with that, Bonbon turns and makes her way back to her shop. With that business sorted out, you and your oh-so-kind summoner turn back to her friends to find them still talking about where the pink menace could be.

You just tune them out, seeing as how it’s not like you would be of any use in the conversation.

“Oh no...” Rarity says suddenly, her marshmallow face contorting itself in alarm as all eyes are drawn to her. “Girls... what’s that one thing Pinkie always does when there’s a new resident in town?”

Author's Note

Next on up. I know that there is still a ton of mistakes on the older chapters, and I'll get to it soon.

DerpedRainbow, I still have the edited CH3 you gave me but the formatting was beyond fucked. It'll take me some time to get it straightened out. Don't think I've spurned your help, because I certainly haven't.