Again, this is an anti Rarity fic. So anyone who enjoys the little white marshmallow should turn back now!
Okay, so there's a guy; a regular looking guy with nothing that stands out. He doesn't watch My Little Pony, has never heard of the fourth generation or ever cared.
So this guy, leaves his house and finds a box on his lawn and opens it, to see none other than Rarity. He stared awkwardly at the unicorn before speaking his mind. Yes, fuck character development.
"The fuck are you."
Rarity simply smiled and hopped out of the box, circling around him and acting like a kitten, rubbing his legs with her head.
"THE FUCK ARE YOU."
+++++
Not being able to shake away the little unicorn, he brought her inside, where he sat at his desk, watching her tear up the couches and curtains wildly.
"I swear to god I'm going to kill this thing."
She simply ignored him and his comment and continued tearing up the house.
He stared coldly at her, hoping he could kill with his eyes. Once he figured out he couldn't, he walked over and picked her up.
She struggled in his grip, but he tightened it and looked her in the eyes when she calmed down.
"Listen, you're now living under my roof, and if you are potentially worth tons of money, I have to keep you happy; but that doesn't mean you'll fuck up my fucking couches without getting any kind of fucking punishment. So today, guess who's got the honors of staying in my basement!" Rarity smiled, noticing his fake one. "Yeah! Basement! Doesn't that sound like a fucking blast? It's like Disneyland in cold captivity!" He put on a fake peppy tone.
Rarity, still only noticing his smile, was happily shoved into the basement unknowingly.
He rubbed his temples and sighed. "Alright, now, time to get some food."
+++++
He came back later with some kibble and let Rarity out of the basement. She simply huffed and gave him a nasty look, which he returned.
"I got you some food." He spat.
At the sound of 'food' Rarity jumped happily and waited for her dinner. With that, he picked up the bag he bought and poured some into a bowl.
"Bon appetit."
Rarity gave the bowl a disgusted look and threw the bowl with her magic, sending the dog food flying everywhere.
He stared at the kibble covering the floor, unable to say anything out of pure frustration. He simply just gritted his teeth and dropped the bag, storming away.
Rarity simply snickered and enjoyed the constant growls of her 'owner'.
+++++ Meanwhile, on the internet..
"Aaand..start bid. Man, I'd be surprised if this bitch sold for fifty cents."
He stared blankly at the page before noticing something was missing.
"Ah, forgot about the picture."
+++++
"Where the hell is that thing?" He looked around carefully. He heard a snore and followed it to find none other than Rarity sleeping on the now redone couches. They had frilly little designs on them.
"Goddamn it." He shook his head before pulling out his phone and snapping a picture of Rarity.
+++++
He went back to his computer desk and posted the picture on eBay. Immediately after, he got a message saying,
IS THAT RARITY!?!?
He scratched his head. "Rarity? What's a Rarity?"
Confused, he replied, "Yeah, I think."
"OH MY GOSH OH MY GOSH OH MY GOSH! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"
"......What the fuck?"
"I SHIT YOU NOT, I'M PREPARED TO BUY HER OFF OF YOU FOR ONE BILLION RIGHT NOW!"
His heart shot out of his chest in pure shock and excitement.
"FUCKING SERIOUSLY?! I'LL HAVE IT READY FOR YOU!"
"CAN'T WAIT! I'LL BE THERE TOMORROW!"
"HOLY SHIT YES!"
After sending the buyer the info, he couldn't help but dance like the world was ending.
"ONE BILLION DOLLARS!! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" he shouted as loud as he could. Because really, screw the neighbors.
+++++ One party later..
He peeled his eyes open softly as he sat up. Sunlight shone into his eyes mercilessly and instantly gave him a headache.
"Shiiiiit." he groaned.
He sat up from his carpet and pushed some bottles of whiskey away. He rubbed his eyes and took a few lazy blinks before seeing Rarity before him, sprawled out on the carpet, snoring loudly with her mouth open.
"Fuck. Don't tell me-"
Before he could finish his sentence, Rarity sat up and stared at him. Her eyes glimmered slightly as she stood up and groaned. She stumbled a few steps before falling on her face.
"UGGGGH."
After walking to the kitchen, he got some water and bread. Just, anything to get rid of their hangovers, and about an hour later, Rarity passed out on the couch and gave him a perfect opportunity to run to the store..wearing sunglasses, of course.
During the walk through the aisles, he started to remember bits and pieces of his 'celebration' last night, and how he remembered a live turkey running around at one point. He pushed back those memories until he came back into his house with only one item in tow: a shock collar. He walked in and found Rarity lying on the couch, drooling everywhere.
"I can't wait to get rid of you." he grinned as he placed the collar on.
He then put the remote in his back pocket and sat down to watch TV. Seconds after, he sniffed the air around him and looked around.
"Why the hell does it smell like burnt marshmallows?" He got up and found Rarity, sprawled out on the couch and showing traces of burnt fur.
"Oh fuck."
He rummaged through his bathroom cabinets and took some burn ointment. He rubbed it on her burns then heard the doorbell ring.
"Oh fuck!" He picked up Rarity and found some small fitting clothes and put them on her. She looked like shit. Completely stressed, he still continued to pick her up and take her to the door. He slapped her awake and set her beside him. He straightened out his shirt and opened the door.
It was Princess Celestia.
She gave him a short look, then looked Rarity's way. She noticed the burns and turned back to him. She glared at him and lit her horn.
"...oh fuck."
