Harmless Habits

by Trashy the Trashman

Rating: everyone
Tags: Comedy, Bon-Bon, Random, Derpy Hooves, Lyra, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Colgate, Berry Punch
Length: 2426

A group of friends stage an intervention for Colgate. Weirdness ensues.

Oral hygiene is a necessary and healthy part of any pony's life that must be diligently maintained. But what happens when a healthy habit becomes something far more sinister? What happens when brushing and flossing get taken too far?

Equestria's stupidest intervention, that's what.

Published 2013-03-31 19:10:02 UTC
Last updated 2013-03-31 19:10:02 UTC

Harmless Habits

Stepping into the living room of her home, Colgate could immediately tell that something was out of place. Perhaps the coasters on the coffee table were arranged differently, some curtain swept aside, or a book misplaced. Of course, it could have been the fact that four of her friends were seated around the room despite not letting them in. That was a little unusual, too. Lyra, Bon-Bon, Berry Punch and Derpy Hooves all sat on a choice of couches and chairs, and met her arrival with expectant eyes. Well, Derpy’s eyes were crossed, but they were expectantly crossed.

“Um, hello everypony,” said Colgate nervously. “Mind if I ask what you’re doing in my house? Specifically, how you managed to get in?” Lyra was the first to speak.

“Colgate, there are more important matters at hoof than—”

“The window was open!” blurted Derpy. “We all just climbed in!” Lyra shot her a look.

“Thank you for that, Derpy,” she said pointedly. “Now, as I was saying, there are far more pressing matters to be attended.”

“Pressing enough to break into my house?”

“The window was unlocked; you were practically inviting us in! Now please, have a seat.” She gestured to an empty chair. Colgate’s eyes flickered between it and the assembled ponies. Sure, they had a tendency to be a little… eccentric, but this was a new level of weird for them. After a moment’s deliberation, she trotted over and sat, totally unsure of what to expect. Everypony smiled, though for some reason this was more unsettling than comforting.

“Thank you, Colgate. We really appreciate your cooperation. Now, you may be wondering why we’ve gathered here—”

“—that’s EXACTLY what I’m wondering—”

“—and frankly, it’s because you have a problem. A serious problem that needs to be addressed before your life is set on a downward spiral to self-destruction.” She looked around the room at the others, who gave small nods of approval, before turning back to Colgate. “You’re addicted to brushing your teeth. It’s okay, Colgate. We’re here to help.”

“Wait, I… what?” Colgate looked around the room, a bemused expression on her face. “You’re kidding, right? This is all just some big joke, isn’t it?”

“I wish it was, Colgate,” said Bon-Bon melancholically. “I wish it was.”

“We’ve all seen the signs,” Lyra added. “The frequent trips to the bathroom, buying toothpaste and floss in bulk, and that smile—it’s impeccable. Flawless, even. It’s been obvious for quite some time now.”

“Plus your name’s ‘Colgate’,” chimed in Derpy. “That was a pretty big clue for me.” Colgate's stare travelled across the room, over each one of the other ponies and their grim expressions. They were either being serious, or were so dedicated to their collective insanity that they might as well be.

“You’re holding an intervention because I brush my teeth too often? This is ridiculous! I don’t have a problem!” A groan escaped her as she realized how she'd phrased her refute. There was no way they'd let this slide.

“The first step to recovery,” said Bon-Bon in an attempt at a wise tone, “is admitting that you have a problem. Denial won’t get you anywhere, Colgate.” The unicorn tried to correct herself.

“No, I mean, it’s not a problem— I mean, it’s not hurting anybody— I mean—” She clamped her hooves to the sides of her head. “This is honestly the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard and just thinking about it is hurting me. I’m going.” She began to rise before Lyra piped up.

“You can leave if you want to, but we’ll be waiting right here.” Colgate slowly turned to glare at her.

“You’re going to camp out in my house to force an intervention?”

“If that’s what it takes,” replied Lyra.

"This is my property! It's against the law!"

"A few silly laws didn't stop us from chucking a brick through your window." Colgate's eyebrows rose.

"You said it was unlocked!"

"Oh, it was. The brick was just for fun. Now are you going to settle down or should we make arrangements to stay for the night?"  Colgate returned to her seat, grumbling a little. Whatever got these idiots out of her house fastest, she supposed.

“Thank you. So, since our first approach was met with… opposition, why don't we try something a little different?” She held her hooves together and looked around the room. “How about we start by all saying something nice about Colgate? Bon-Bon, would you like to go first?” The Earth pony gave a nod.

"She has a cheery personality and always manages to brighten up my day."

"Good. What about you, Derpy?" The pegasus scratched her head as she thought. It took her an unusually long time.

"Oh! She always reminds me to brush my teeth!"

"Wha—? No, Derpy, that's means she brushes her teeth too often! That's the sort of thing we're trying to change!"

"Um, why? That sounds like a good thing to me."

"Thank you!" cried Colgate with some exasperation.

"Because clearly this is a destructive habit that, left unchecked, will tear apart her entire life! Can't you see that, Derpy?" Above her crossed eyes, Derpy raised an eyebrow.

"I guess so?" Lyra gave a huff and turned to Berry Punch.

"Berry, you've been awfully quiet. What nice thing do you have to say about Colgate?" Berry, who had been resting on one of her hooves, now looked nervous. She glanced between the other ponies before turning to Colgate and speaking n a somewhat stilted tone.

"I, uh... I really like your mane." Everypony looked baffled save Derpy, who gave a small clap of her hooves.

"Ooh, that's a good one, Berry!"

"It really isn't, Derpy," said Lyra. "Berry, have you had anything to drink?"

"Not enough. Why, are you offering?" Lyra slapped a hoof to her own face. Colgate gestured loosely about the room with a look of utter confusion.

"You're confronting me about brushing my teeth when Berry clearly has a drinking problem?" Berry seemed disgruntled by this.

"The only problem I'm having with drinking is that I'm not doing it now! Bon-Bon!" she suddenly cried, "you said if I behaved you'd give me the bottle back!"

"Getting drunk at an intervention doesn't count as good behavior!" growled Bon-Bon.

"Enough!" cried Lyra, and the rabble ceased. "This is serious. Our friend Colgate is struggling with a horrific problem and she needs our assistance. Our own petty problems can wait."

"You're right," said Bon-Bon.

"She needs our help," agreed Berry Punch in a slightly slurred tone. Colgate wasn't sure if she should laugh or weep at the sheer idiocy of the situation.

"Good, everything's back on track. Okay." Lyra looked winded and ran a hoof through her mane. "Colgate, can't you see all the ways obsessively brushing your teeth is destroying your life?" The blue unicorn gave her a blank look.

"I'm going to be honest, Lyra: I really can't."

"You must be spending a fortune in dental products!"

"Nope. It's not like I'm buying diamond-laced floss or anything."

"Not yet," warned Lyra, "but someday you might be. Someday when the regular stuff just won't cut it any more. Now, I don't mean to sound intrusive, but has your, um, habit interfered with your work?"

Colgate could believe that her friends were acting irrationally. Sure, her habit was a little strange, and maybe it deserved a bit of attention, but this question broke all notions of sanity. She leaned forward, and every word was punctuated by a shake of her hooves.

"I. Am. A. DENTIST." There was a brief silence before it was broken by Derpy.

"So... is that a 'yes'?" Every other pony in the room groaned.

"It's a definite 'yes', Derpy. Colgate, can't you see that even your career has become a means for you to get closer to your addiction?"

"It's what I like doing! I've been a dentist for years!"

"I know," replied Lyra somberly. "I'm sorry it's taken so long for us to notice the signs. But now we have, and we're here to help."

"Here's a question, Colgy," said Berry Punch, and everypony turned to her. "D'you think you could stop if you wanted to?" Colgate looked confused.

"What? Of course I could."

"Then why don't you?"

"I just don't want to! No, don't you give me that look!" she added as a smirk crept over Berry's face. "This isn't one of those things where I say that because I can't quit! It would just be unhealthy to stop!"

"If you say so, Colgate. Wow! Look how good I'm being, Bon-Bon!" she added. "Can I have my drink back yet?"

"Not until Colgate admits she has a problem." Berry flung back her head and gave a low cry of defeat before slumping across the couch on which she sat. Lyra got up from her own and approached Colgate, eyes narrowed.

"Listen, I want you to look me straight on and tell me you don't have a problem. Just do that for me." Colgate had had just about enough of this, but there was nothing to be gained from arguing. At least, not with the criminally insane.

"I don't have a problem," she said with all the conviction of honesty. Lyra rubbed her chin with a single hoof.

"Well, you sound fairly—" she cut herself short, and gave the air an exaggerated sniff as a look of horror dawned on her face. "Do I... do I smell mouthwash?"

"Uh, yes?" Bon-Bon and Berry Punch both gasped; a few seconds later, Derpy did as well.

"It's worse than I thought," muttered Lyra. Colgate, having had enough of this nonsense, rose from her seat and began walking towards the door. "Wait, where are you going?" The blue unicorn's reply was oozing with sarcasm.

"Oh, you know, probably gonna go floss my teeth or something." Without warning, Lyra pounced on her with a cry and Colgate shrieked with terror. Seconds later, another pony leapt on top of both of them.

"Derpy!" yelled Lyra, "I don't need your help pinning her down!"

"Oh, that's what you were doing? I thought we were starting a group hug." The pegasus lifted herself off and fluttered back to her seat. Colgate was struggling underneath the mint pony.

"Lyra, I was joking! You didn't need to tackle me!"

"How can I be sure, Colgate? Maybe that's just the toothpaste talking! For all we know, our dear friend has been completely taken over by the monster of dental hygiene!"

"So what, you're just going to pin me down until we both starve to death?"

"Maybe!" Lyra shouted. "I haven't really planned that far ahead!"

"Lyra, you're acting crazy," said a concerned Bon-Bon. This was an understatement of colossal proportions. "We'll never get through to her with brute force. We need to talk this over."

"Don't you see, Bon-Bon? There's no time! If we don't stop this addiction here and now, who knows just how far it could go? I won't let you become a pusher, Colgate!"

"A what?" The blue unicorn had paused her thrashing.

"A pusher! Y'know, trying to push others into brushing their teeth?"

"Lyra, I do that anyway! And they should; brushing your teeth is healthy!" A still moment passed before Lyra shuffled off of her back and sat to the side. When Colgate rose she saw that her friend was devastated.

"It's really too late, then, isn't it?" asked Lyra quietly. "I thought we had more time. I thought we still had a chance to save you from this waking nightmare. I'm so sorry." Colgate stared at her for some time before a groan escaped her lips that quickly escalated into a full-fledged shout.

"Why, in the name of Celestia, do you think taking care of teeth is going to ruin my life?! Do you think toothpaste is made of acid or something?"

"Dragon tears, actually. But that's not why I'm concerned, Colgate." replied Lyra weakly. All the other ponies listened intensely and dared not make a sound. "I just don't want this to take over your life. You can't let one habit define who you are."

"Lyra, that's crazy talk. Besides," said Colgate, gesturing around the room, "don't you all have some weird obsession that you can't seem to shake? Derpy, I've seen you eat more muffins than I'd believed physically possible. Berry drinks like a fish, and Bon-Bon—" her eyes narrowed— "it's pretty rare to see you without Lyra, if you know what I'm getting at." The Earth pony's cheeks immediately flushed red. "Speaking of Lyra," Colgate added, and looked her straight in the eyes, "need I remind you of your particular obsession?"

"I... I don't know what you're talking about," replied Lyra, suddenly nervous. Colgate smirked, and spoke a single word at a whisper.

"Humans." Lyra cringed.

"Okay, okay, you've made your point!" She sighed. "Looks like the intervention was a failure, everypony. The power of toothpaste is just too strong."

"Aww, don't feel too bad, Lyra. I'm pretty sure your, uh, "intervention" was doomed from the start anyway. Now all of you," she said, flashing a bright smile, "get out of my house!"

One by one her friends rose from their seats and began to file out. Bon-Bon had produced a bottle from somewhere that Berry eagerly swiped from her and took off. Passing by, Derpy asked Colgate a question.

"Do I... do I really eat that many muffins?"

"Don't worry, Derpy," Colgate assured her, "it's just part of what makes you great. Just make sure you keep brushing." The pegasus trotted out with a smile. Lyra was the last to leave, and she did so with a rather unusual demand.

"Promise me you'll eat more sugary foods, Colgate. Something sweet to offset all the care you're putting into those pearly whites."

"Lyra, I don't really think—"

"Promise me!" She jabbed with a single hoof and one of her eyes twitched violently.

"O-Okay, you have my word." Satisfied, Lyra walked out of the room with her head held high. Finally left alone in her own home, a sigh of relief escaped Colgate. She could sure go for a floss right about now.

Despite the silliness of her friends and the utterly hopeless nature of the intervention, Colgate had learned a valuable lesson that day—one she put into practice almost immediately. Unfortunately for Lyra, it was not a moral about the dangers of dental care. The next day, Colgate installed a set of locks on every window in her house, and was never disturbed by an idiotic intervention again.