I Teach a Purple Pony to Program Computers

by Mr Anomalous

Rating: teen
Tags: Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Alternate Universe, Other, Original Character, Comedy, Random, Human
Length: 998

Twilight Sparkle is quite the smart pony, but can even she tackle the unknown dimension of computer programming?

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*Note: More relate-able if you are a programmer or website designer/developer yourself. The jokes will make more sense, as will the jargon. But if you are not, and you read this anyway, you'll probably actually learn some basic. *Wink, wink, hint, hint, nudge, nudge...."*

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Hey everyone, what's up? I am Brandon Richards, and my current occupation is computer programming. That's right, I'm the guy that makes video games, makes the software you use, and I'm the guy who makes websites like this one. I usually work as a freelancer, meaning that I work for myself, but, recently, I got a proposition from someone quite unexpected: Twilight Sparkle, Princess Celestia of Equestria's personal student. She wants to be the first pony ever to be a successful computer programmer, and she is going to pay me twelve-hundred dollars worth of jewels a month to teach her. Sounds good to me. Let the games begin!

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Rated Teen for language and immature jokes.
Set in a world where ponies and humans have coexisted for a millennium.
First Person View starring Brandon, and sometimes me as a narrator.

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Published 2013-03-31 17:40:01 UTC
Last updated 2013-03-31 17:40:01 UTC

One

"Yar Har, Fiddily Dee, Being a Pirate is alright with Me! Do what you want 'cuz a Pirate is free! You are a Pira-click!"

"Uuuugh..."

Well...I had originally thought that such an awesome alarm would help me be more willing to awaken myself in the morning, but that would be a negatory, cap'n.

Doesn't matter if I'm willing too or not, still gotta. I stayed in bed for a few more minutes, gaining up both the courage and the energy to claw myself out from under the covers, and, eventually, was able to do so. I sat up and rubbed my eyes in am attempt to clear away the sludge of tiredness and the clumps of eye boogers. I only succeeded with the latter. That just means one thing: caffeine!

I'm surprised that neither my bones nor my heart have had any issues, what with all the carbonation, caffeine and sugar that I consume daily.

I reached over to my mini-fridge and grabbed a bottle of my favorite: "Energy Brew Ubermonster."

It's like regular 'ole Monster but, instead, it's brewed I guess. It is awesome. Go get one, right now. Or twelve.

After I extracted the cold bottle, I grabbed up my Swiss Army knife and pulled open the bottle opener. Soon, the giant cap fell off the top and thudded softly onto the white carpet below me. I sat there for another minute or so looking at the piece of aluminum, the lazy-ass me and the clean me coming to a massive, inward conflict. Cleanie eventually prevailed and I leaned over and plucked it off of the ground and tossed it into the small, overflowing wastebasket near my bed. I considered taking the thing out, but Lazy-ass won this one and I just shrugged and left it alone.

I took a swig from the bottle and finally managed to get up completely. I set my drink down on top of my dresser and went to take a shower. Upon returning, I got dressed in some tan cargo pants and a simple black T-shirt. I grabbed my drink and walked out of my spotless bedroom, down the hallway, and into the second room of my apartment: the triple-threat combination of living room, dining room, and home office. Actually, there was an entire separate room for dining elsewhere, but I've literally never used it; I always eat at my desk.

I set my quickly depleting drink down on the desk and walking into the open kitchen on the other side of the large room. Lazy-ass was having a good day today, and I simply grabbed a dry packet of Ramen and set it in a bowl. Back at my desk, I opened it and the flavoring up and mixed them. That, with an Ubermonster, created quite the breakfast.

I reached over and power on my three computers, each of them sporting dual monitors. In case you cannot do math, that means six monitors. Prepare to be amazed at my gear: I was using Cyberpower PC: Gamer Ultra, a Black Raidmax Helios Steel, and an Apple Powermac G5. Each one was beefed up in several ways (extra RAM, extra memory, etc) and all of the monitors, excluding the original one on the Powermac, were 32" Asus VH232 Glossy Blacks. Hurra.

Not going to get much further, (though I want too) no, I need to get on with the story-telling. So there I was, a list of projects that needed tackling in my mind, when there was a knock at my door.

I froze, surprised. A visitor? Here? Twhat? I simply shrugged and de-activated my metal to-do list in favor of seeing who was at the door, and opened it.

Flapping it's wings above me was a slate-gray pegasus, dressed in the typical mail-mare attire. She looked down at me with a pair of somewhat dis-aligned amber eyes and spoke in a...well, for lack of a better word, "wobbly" voice.

"Hello there, I got a letter for one..."

She frowned and concentrated, reading the envelope.

"...Brandon Richards?" She said haltingly.

"Yup, that's me."

She gave me an adorable closed-eye smile and descended a bit. I reached up and pulled it from her hoof.

"Why thank you oh so very much, Miss."

"You are welcome, commander," she said and left me with a salute.

That was Ditzy Do, the mail-mare that had given me all of my mail for five years. She's awesome, even though the longest conversation I've ever had with her lasted about thirty seconds. Her "not knowing my name" was a little game that we always play in mock of one of her screw-ups. That's one of the things I like about her: she can, and will laugh at herself.

After shutting the door, I returned to my seat and read the info on the envelope.

"From Princess Cele-holy shit!"

Princess Celestia? What was she doing sending me a letter?

I read over it again, and, sure enough, it was from the Princess Celestia, ruler of Equestria. This ought'a be good.

I tore it open and unfolded the piece of paper inside. My eyes widened more and more the deeper I got.

"Oh dear Lord Almighty."

I wasn't in trouble, by any means, no, I was just overwhelmed. Princess Celestia, almighty overlord of Equestria (more commonly known as pony-land here in downtown New York) wants me to tutor her personal student in computer programming. Here the hell did this come from?

I returned my eyes to the page. Not only that, but Twilight was on her way, right now.

Naturally, I had some questions. Why me? I'm just a programmer, why can't she hire someone who had a lot more experience or something? Again, I read some more. All doubt washed away when I read my salary: 12 hundred dollars in jewels a month.

Sounds good to me.

I sat there on my chair.

Well, not much else to do; better get back to work.