Ten Things I Wish I Still Didn't Know About You
Chapter one: Clubbed
Vinyl Scratch woke up feeling the same as she did every morning; like a train wreck. Beside her was her fiancé, Octavia. Who had had a concert late the last night, and would probably not enjoy having to make her own breakfast. Vinyl gave her a little peck on the cheek then went downstairs to make something for her.
In the kitchen, she turned on the radio and set it to the news channel, and she set about making some breakfast out of the leftovers in the fridge, fresh food being out of the question due to the rent.
“Now for our top news story of the day. The Zebristanian government seated in Roam has fallen to the Unicrane Socialist Republic’s continued advance south. As a result the Zebristanian federal government has surrendered, leaving only ill-equipped rebels scattered across the the northern part of the country as the only opposition. The neighboring country of Saddle Arabia has opened its borders to refugees, and has mobilized its army incase Unicraine decides to expand over it’s borders, and has asked it’s fellow member of the Equestrian commonwealth Caneighda to send support. At this moment Celestia has not publicly announced what actions will be taken as a result, but we do know that the flotilla of troop carrying ships that were previously on standby near Itrot will be moved to near Saddle Arabia. Whether this is a result of demands from the Itrotian government, or some form of military response, we can only speculate.
In related news a zebra refugee camp by Appleoosa was bombed this morning by the pony supremacist group ‘The White Hooves’, and as a result some of the Equestrian military has been reassigned to protecting the camps.
“Also, we the Manehattan Mafia has announced that it is sending weapons to the Zebristanian rebels. This morning, the Manehatten Port Authority inspected a suspicious ship, finding a large arms cache on board, likely en route to the rebels. The weapons seized ranged from rifles and pistols to rocket launchers and bombs.”
Vinyl was making breakfast when Octavia trotted in, looking like more than a little bit like the walking dead. “Oh, Vinyl, it’s so considerate of you to get breakfast going.” She said in a still half asleep tone.
“Oh yeah it’s no big deal, couldn’t really do anything special with what we had in the fridge.” Vinyl replied, it was true, there were very few ways one could make the greasy paper cartons Griffonese food came in look remotely nice.
“Well either way it’s much appreciated. I guess I’ll be using some of the money from my concert last night to buy groceries.” Octavia said between mouthfuls of the lukewarm, stale noodles.
“And then the rest on rent…” Vinyl sighed. It was always like this.
“Now Vinyl, what was it you said you were doing today?” Octavia asked as she got herself a glass of water.
“Oh yeah, right! Big Macintosh invited me as a guest to his bachelor party, it’s so nice Celestia passed the interspecial marriage act so he and Zecora could finally get married.” Vinyl said, and didn’t notice Octavia face darkened at the mention of Zecora.
“So where is it being held?” Octavia asked resuming her relative cheerfulness.
“Hoof Beats I think. I’m dropping by the farm first anyways so it doesn’t really matter.” Vinyl answered in her usual laid back tone of voice.
“Vinyl, just wondering, but why are you going to a bachelor party?” Octavia asked.
“Well Big Mac said that since there aren’t that many stallions in Ponyville, and I like mares, I’m close enough. Oh and don’t worry I can control myself around the fillies.” Vinyl chuckled as she remembered that Big Mac had also said that Rainbow Dash could go to, since she had taken enough bull shark testosterone to be considered a guy.
“Oh well, as long as you behave yourself it’s fine. Look at the time, I need to go, and see someone about another gig. Love you.” Octavia said giving Vinyl a kiss on the cheek and then rushing off.
“Today in the streets of Canterlot many pro war protesters have gathered, demanding a military response to this mornings various developments. The slogan in which they chant is “the only good commie is a dead commie!” whether or not Celestia will meet their demands has yet to be decided.” The radio crackled out just before Vinyl turned it off and began the walk to Sweet Apple Acres.
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She arrived at the farm at a very bad time, Granny Smith ‘in her infinite wisdom’ was right in the middle of one of her rants condemning Big Macintosh’s decision to marry a Zebra. “Before you know it those Stripy gypsies will seduce all stallions, and then there will be more zebras than ponies in Equestria!” As she ranted she didn’t notice Big Macintosh slip out the back door to where Vinyl was standing.
“Jeez Big Mac, I love granny Smith and all, but she personifies the ‘racist grandmother meme’.” Vinyl joked, trying to lighten the mood.
“What can ah say? It’s how she was raised, it’s how she sort-of raised our parents, and when they died fighting when the Unicrane tried to invade Amareica, she tried to raise us that way, and obviously failed.” Big Macintosh replied. At that moment they noticed Mr. Cake, Shining Armor, Doctor Hooves, and Rainbow Dash, the other guests, walking up the Lane towards Sweet Apple Acres. They quickly trotted down to meet them.
“Hey Big Mac, we’re going to Hoof Beats right?” Vinyl asked.
“Nope, ah went down there earlier to check it out, and it was too crowded for my tastes. So as a slight change of plans we’re going to that ‘Riders’ place.” Vinyl knew of Riders, it was the second biggest club in Ponyville, however she had never been there since she almost exclusively DJ-ed for Hoof Beats.
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(generic club music)
“This DJ sucks!” Vinyl remarked as they trotted into the club.
“Well Vinyl not everypony can be DJ pon3.” Rainbow Dash replied.
“Hmmm… Fine, but I’m going to need something to drink to enjoy this.” Vinyl grunted in annoyance.
The bartender was a grey earth pony, further proving this place was second class, Hoof beats only took unicorn bartenders since other ponies would get saliva on the cups. “One pint of beer please.” She ordered, and grimaced as she watched the earth pony handle the mug with his mouth. “Thanks…” She said as she took the mug, telekinetically wiped the saliva off, and downed the drink in a single chug.
Now she was in her element, somewhat intoxicated, neon lights, and loud obnoxious music. Things became clearer, the glare of the lights died down, and the music became tolerable. She could pick up on things most ponies couldn’t in this setting. She walked around, giving the ‘dancers’ a look over. The club was unofficially divided into three sections, to the far right there were two mares sharing a ploe silhouetted against the glare of the neon light, to the far left there was a stallion up on a pole. The place had more diversity than Hoof beats, which was probably the only reason why it continued to exist. However just like Hoof Beats, the lone mare always took first priority. There was a central raised platform in the form of a stage with a pole, which sported a grey coated Mare, with a neat “classy” mane. It took only a moment for the gears klick together, and grind out a realisation.
“Octavia! What are you doing!” Vinyl yelled up at her fiancé who was midway through a strip tease.
Octavia’s eyes grew to the size of dinner plates as she looked down on her love staring back up at her staring at her… Stare-ception! “V-Vinyl?!”
“You’re Cheating! Celestia Damn It! You’re CHEATING!” Vinyl yelled at her, rage boiling over. Apparently the entire club heard that, because the music abruptly stopped, and all eyes were on them. “Oops, well since you stopped the music, would you mind putting some fitting music on now?”
“Uh sorry I only have Skrillex on here sorry!” The DJ called out.
“Ok never mind you are the worst DJ ever!” Vinyl shouted across the club at him.
“Vinyl, I was just doing it to scrape a little more money together for rent.” Octavia sobbed.
“Just tell me, have you had sexual intercourse with any other mares or stallions?” Vinyl asked in an actually serious tone of voice.
“Um Vinyl, Riders doesn’t do that…” Octavia answered.
“What!? Who this club actually suck broken-” Vinyl Scratch was cut off by an unforgivable act of stupidity.
“Are you fucking serious?! A base test?! Now?!” Vinyl screamed in frustration.
“Um Vinyl?” Octavia questioned, hoping to get this conversation back on track.
“Yeah tell you what, wear that get up for me every once in awhile, and it’s cool. Now if you’ll excuse me I’m going to go tear that so-called DJ a new asshole.” Vinyl said as she trotted off to do just that.
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