Twilight and Luna Kill Celestia

by FrozenMasquerade

Rating: teen
Tags: Dark, Random, Adventure
Length: 9813

Twilight and Luna want to commit a crime, and have no idea how. Maybe an young looking old jerk can help. Probably not.

"Honesty is the best policy" Or so they say, one young colt likes to disagree with that, yet wonders why he has such terrible luck. Meanwhile, musicians try to murder them, a train car gets electrocuted, Pinkie Pie breaks a narrator, Apple Jack rage quits, and Luna makes things awkward.

This is a terrible attempt at american-styled humor, but it ended up being… well… something.

Hate it or love it. Take your pick.

Dark tag for upcoming chapters, gore isn't exactly gory, per say, as much as it leaves the potential for it if you imagine it enough. There are injuries and some detail, but I'm not that sadistic.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2013-04-12 08:26:55 UTC

A prologue that kind of sucks, to a story that does suck.

Seriously, don't read this. It sucks more than a vaccuum cleaner.

Fillydelphia is a quiet at nights, for such a large city, but sometimes, an astute observer can hear things not meant to be heard. In fact, on a single, faithful night, an astute observer could hear the faint clunk of hooves against flesh as a down on his luck young colt was being ‘asked nicely where his money he owed was at’ by the local crime boss's goons.

.

.

.

-Clunk

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.

.

-Clunk

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.

.

An astute observer would at this point, hear the sound of the young colt giving in “Alright alright alright! Fine! The money is in a hidden pocket in my saddlebags, just let me get it out.”

An astute observer would notice that the young colt’s horn was flaring a bit too brightly to simply be grabbing his saddle bags, but then, an astute observer would also notice the young colt’s eyes being clenched as tightly shut as he could muster.

It did not take an astute observer to hear the coming series of shouts, the first of which coming from the young colt himself “Solar flare!”  Nor did it take an astute observer to see the massive flash of light which blinded both of the two attackers, and illuminated the surrounding buildings in a pale blue glow.

It also did not take an attentive observer to hear the frantic clop of hooves on concrete as the young colt fled for his life with his bag, horn still flaring as he left a trail of ice, sheeted across the alley to trip his soon to be pursuers.

Not so long afterwards, the flare wore off, and the two grown stallions regained their sight, and took chase.

The first one, an earth pony, slid foolishly along as he attempted to give chase; while the second stallion, a Pegasus, hovered over his fallen friend and grumbled, lifting him safely across the ice.

“Buck, he got away!” the first one said, as he was let back down on the ground by his smaller friend.

“No he didn’t, you foal! He kept the trail of ice following him, which means we can follow the trail TO him!”

“Oh, right.”

“You idiot, look it’s going southwards a ways and into the next alley!” the Pegasus stated as he took off in pursuit.

It did not take an astute observer to spot the tell tale signs of being made a fool of, all over the face of the earth pony. He followed his friend.It did however, take an astute observer to hear that the hoof steps of the young colt were in fact, heading northwards, to the train station, contradicting his trail, which led to the docks.

Clothed in a simple hooded gray sweat suit, (Do ponies have sweat suits? Do they even sweat? Let’s assume they do. It’s a fanfiction about polychromatic magical talking horses, shut up.) which was gray of course- a natural camouflage amidst the urban nights, the young unicorn cold made his way through the ticket line at Fillydelphia Train Central.

‘Odd, I haven’t even expected a line, I can’t even see the ticket prices through all these ponies.'

He eventually made it to the ticket vendor who was at this point, fuming from having to work so late.

“Pardon me ma’am, where is the farthest away place that the soonest train is going to?”

She had to lean over the counter completely to even see the foal, so she rested her fore hooves on the counter while she spoke to him.

“The next train is leaving in about thirty minutes. It’s 200 bits to Ponyville, a four hour train ride, can you even afford that, squirt?”

‘TWO HUNDRED- is this filly out of her mind?! There is NO WAY I’m paying that, but I need to get out of town…’

Our young would-be hero looked rather distraught for a moment, and his horn glowed a very pale cyan. The surrounding lights dimmed slightly, all save the ones pointing towards his somehow growing puppy-dog eyes. “Pwease ma’am, can’t a starving foal just get a wee discount? My  auntie is expecting me on that train.”

The vendor lightly flinched at first and then realized the foal’s ploy. Her horn lit up an emerald green hue and the lights returned to normal, snapping the illusion on the foal’s eyes.

“Look squirt, it’s a long trip. Long trips use a lot of fuel, and fuel costs bits. I can’t lower the price, not without losing my job. Maybe you could ask your paren-“ She cut herself off, biting her lip, when she saw the foal cringe with a (il)legitimate tear in his eye at the word.

“Sorry for wasting your time ma’am.”  He sniffled a bit and his head lowered. He magicked his bags into a more comfortable position and made his way off into the dark night.

An astute observer would have noticed the small blip of light appearing within the foal’s bag, identical to the one that appeared behind the counter. (which the vendor could not see, as she was leaning over it still to see the small foal)

An astute observer would have seen the grin appear on the foal’s face as soon as his back was to the vendor as he trotted off to the back of the train station, and boarded the train headed for Ponyville.

The two cloaked mares behind the foal in line were both astute observers.

The two mares glanced at one another, and for just the briefest of moments, a smile was shared. “I told you he was good!” The shorter mare whispered to her companion, only loud enough for the two of them to hear.

“We suppose you were not exaggerating this one’s wit, my friend.” The taller mare replied, hushed as her companion was. They both enjoyed a short giggle before the ticket vendor resumed being the shrill harpy she usually was on busy nights.

“I SAID NEXT! You’re holding up a line, fillies!”

The taller mare stepped forward and hoofed a small satchel onto the counter, earning a curious gaze from the vendor. She lit up her horn and opened the bag to find it filled to the brim with the golden coins known as bits. Her eyes widened just a tad.

“Six hundred bits, we’ll take two tickets to Ponyville, the extra is for the ticket that you did not notice being stolen by that foal just now.”

The vendor looked confused for a moment and counted the tickets remaining in her lock box. Anger swelled as her horn began to spark reflexively, smoke fuming from her ears as she opened her mouth to scream. The taller cloaked mare sent a deep blue field around the Vendor’s mouth, effectively silencing the outburst, while the shorter cloaked mare let a gentle violet light flow from her horn to the vendor’s forehead. A serene look fell upon her face as the spell calmed her.

“Here is two tickets, thank you for your patronage. Next please.”

The vendor’s voice sounded lost, her mind far away in a more pleasant memory. She emptied the bag of it’s coins and returned it, with two tickets, to the counter. The two cloaked mares retrieved the emptied satchel and made their way onto the rear passenger car which contained a certain young colt.

The next three customers to the vendor were more mares, but bundled up in what seemed to be hunting gear. Pockets and small tools and knives were seen on straps and belts wrapped all over the brown leather cloaks. The hoods were  long enough to face the shape and color of the ponies beneath, but the vendor could tell that two of them were unicorns, with the other being either an earth pony, or a pegasus with small wings. The unicorns both carried small black rectangular cases, looking rather sturdy, while the earth pony was carrying an oddly shaped container made of a similar material,  yet big enough to carry three small ponies within. They each purchased their tickets wordlessly, pointing to the sign saying ‘Ponyville- 200 bits’ and hoofing a small amount of coins from some pocket They all trotted hurriedly off to the train.

‘What an odd bunch of ponies I am dealing with tonight…’ The vendor thought to herself, still in the grip of the shorter cloaked mare's calming spell. For the vendor, life slowed down for a night, her new found calm state of mind a pleasant change to her usual raging, rampant personality. (Pony-ality? buck it, be happy I'm using words like 'magicked')

Chapter 1: The Great Train Robbery

Our young would-be hero sat alone, in the rearmost train car; or rather he was alone for a moment, until the two cloaked mares sat in the seat in front of him wordlessly. The other three sat in the seat behind him. Time passed slowly in the somewhat cramped little train car, each group wordlessly waiting for something to happen.

Eventually, the final call for passengers was shouted and the other train cars were filled, yet everypony seemed to ignore that rearmost car. The doors began to close, and the young colt finally spoke up.

"You know, the next time you are following somepony, I highly suggest not speaking of them while they might still be within earshot."

The shorter of the two cloaked suddenly became flush red and opened her mouth to speak, only to have a hoof shoved into it by her companion, who motioned for silence.

"And also, when disguising yourself, do try and suppress your aura some. I caught a whiff of it at your coronation, and here it is again, and you with it. My dear princess Sparkle, you are really new to the whole ‘stealth’ thing aren’t you?”

A hoof in the mouth was no longer able to silence the shorter of the two cloaked mares. She rose out of her seat and joined the colt in the seat next to his. Her reply was surprisingly calm, considering the insult.

“One- my aura IS suppressed.

Two- How in the hay are you ‘smelling’ my aura?

Three-You should at least pretend to respect royalty!

Four- Me and my friend need to have a  word with you.”

The ghost of a smile made it’s way unto the lips of the foal’s mouth as he replied.

“One- You’re still not used to your wings, my dear. The suppressed aura is flowing from there instead.

Two- Magic.

Three- I’m only going to respect somepony who earns it, which you have yet to do.

Four- I would be honored to meet with Princess Luna

Five- My friend and I*”

The taller mare saw this as a fitting time to chime in, with a hint of anger in her voice. She was angry that she had been found out, despite having not slipped up as her companion did.

“How do know who we are, foal?”

“Who would be travelling with Princess Sparkle, that speaks in such a manner? Logic only serves that it was you, Princess Luna.”

“Very well then, I suppose such mannerisms are to be expected of such ignorant youth.”

The aforementioned ignorant youth blushed a bit at this statement, which he hid by looking away, out the window of the now-moving train.

‘Odd, I know nothing about the three that are following the two following me… they came prepared, but for what?'

It did not take an astute observer to hear a light, haughty chuckle come from one of the three sitting behind the foal.

“Well, we shall cut to the chase.” Luna stated, as she removed her hood and let her mane flow freely.

“And what might said chase be?”

“Er… Did we misuse the expression, Sparkle? We are unsure what to say.”

The foal had at this point fallen to the floor trying to stop his laughter. Twilight facehoofed.  Luna looked down to find her hooves to be incredibly interesting all of a sudden. The Three mares looked to one another curiously, until the earth pony in the middle shook her head.

“Ahhh oh that was funny. Ah- let me catch my breath real fast. Whoo okay, I’m good. You were saying?” The foal managed to chuckle out a response after a time. Rising from the floor, he turned to face the two mares who were standing in the walkway between seats and staring at him with annoyed glares.

“We were saying… That we…” Luna blushed nervously as she cut herself off from her statement.

“We are saying that we need help.” Twilight decided to take the wheel, since her companion was obviously incapable of remaining serious. A long moment of silence followed as the foal looked at the two taller mares, wondering what they could possibly need from the likes of him.

“Huh?” Was all the foal could say, even after nearly five minutes of everypony listening to the train tumble along towards Ponyville.

“How should we explain… You see, my sister has been so proud of her guards lately. She has convinced herself that no crimes could ever possibly happen in any place that is being properly guarded. Twilight and I have made a bet with her that we could stage an assassination attempt, while obviously not wanting to succeed, we want to prove to her somepony could do it if they so desired to. Obviously neither of us have any of the experience you do in the fields of . . . less ethical activities.”

“You want me, to pretend to kill Celestia?”

“. . . Yes, you see, her side of the bet was that any determined assassin could eventually kill anypony. We believe she has already found her assassin and sent it after us. We need your criminal mind to help us learn how to avoid such a thing from-“

“Let me cut you off there Sparkle, if your assassins were being serious, you would already be dead right now.”

Both mares looked to one another in surprise, before Luna spoke up

“Uhhm, what? You mean you are who she-“

“Not I, no. Those three, they have been following you since before you were following me. And if you were as attentive as you should be, you would have noticed that all three of them are armed, and simply waiting for you to let your guards down.  I suppose that they are under instruction to not attack you until you have found your assassin and sent them to attack her. The three of them look like impressive fighters, subtle yet powerful. I want to see if I can’t beat them, and just because of that I might just consider your offer; but first, what do I get for helping you win this bet?”

Twilight levitated a few scrolls out of her bags. “Full pardons for every act of theft, espionage, blackmail, vandalism, destruction of public property, and impersonation of royalty… as well as thirty thousand bits.”

The foal’s eyes widened to saucers as he thought about the offer. “And if we don’t win?”

“You’ll be arrested on the spot for every crime you have ever been caught committing, including the one involving Prince Blueblood’s garbage disposal.”

“OH BUCK I THOUGHT NOONE KNEW ABOUT THAT ONE. ILL DO IT, JUST PLEASE MAKE THAT ONE DISSAPPEAR!”

“I have all the paperwork needed to do so, as soon as I sign these, you are legally an innocent colt, free to do as you wish.” She returned the scrolls to her saddlebags. Luna looked as lost and confused as ever. Twilight had a faint smile on her face. The foal was almost in tears, burning red with embarrassment.

=====================================================================================

The three mares chose this as their time to rise from their seats and officially initiate the bet.

“Good evening Princesses, we will be the ones killing you this evening.” The earth pony in the middle said. Twilight reflexively tensed as her horn began to glow. Luna’s wings spread wide and her mane and tail began to envelop the train car in darkness.

“No, princesses, let me. I want this to be fun. You two go into the next car and get some tea or something.” The foal said, jumping in front of his new employers.

“Are you sure you do not need our help? You are rather young.”

“Tch, I’m older than I look. Just sit and relax, but stay behind me.”

“Very well then, be that way.” Luna finally spoke, tired of letting Twilight hog all of the fun. She stormed off dramatically into one of the seats facing the four that were about to fight, soon to be joined by her shorter friend.

The foal levitated a pale blue and gray scarf from his bag in his seat, and wrapped it around his neck. His eyes shrunk to pinpoints for just a moment, before returning to normal. He had acquired a rather intense air about him. The energy in the room was damn near palpable.

The two unicorns dropped defensively in front of the earth pony in the middle, as they each opened their cases. The unicorn on the left withdrew a small lyre, holding it in a pale green glow. The unicorn on the right withdrew several dozen records, which spun furiously in the air around her in a deep blue glow. The earth pony withdrew a cello and a bow.

The energy around the foal settled itself as a confused look found his face.

“Huh? I thought you three were trying to KILL the princess, not perform for her.”

The two unicorns looked to the earth pony and she said “We are.”

The song began.

The unicorn on the right looked to the cello and the same deep blue found it’s strings. The earth pony drew her bow across the string and a low G sounded deeper and louder than one would think possible of a single instrument, it reverberated with such force that the bones in The Foal's legs seemed to turn to jelly.

‘Enchanting the strings to create more powerful sound with less effort, clever girl… wait whoa what? OH SHI-’

Another low G was played, but this one was backed by a small chord coming from the lyre. A forceful wave of blue and green seemed to emanate from the three mares. And then the records began to turn into a vertical position, parallel with one another and mere lines from the foal’s perspective. The spinning accelerated into a high pitched whir, the magic that coated the records began flinging off in short blades from it.

“So that’s your game, is it? Enchanted sound waves to paralyze and disable your opponent as you slice them to ribbons. Impressive, but you’ll have to be a tad bit more creative than that."

The foal’s horn sparked and opened every window in the train car, letting in a forceful amount of wind. A smile again fell upon his face, followed by a pale glowing from his eyes and horn. “This is why pegasi HATE me.” With the emphasis on the word hate, a thick fog rapidly filled the train car, pouring into the windows and blinding all within. As the foal silently slid away from his previous location, the mares struck out at where they thought he was, leaving deep gashes in the floor and seats in the area.

A grunt of frustration sounded from the unicorn with the lyre as the earth pony nodded to her. A green light shone brightly through the fog, searching for the seemingly vanished foal. All that they managed to find were two slightly amused alicorns sitting in a seat at one end of the car. The three mares looked incredibly frustrated and Luna chimed in.

“Shouldn’t you be looking for somepony?”

Twilight pointed her hoof past the unicorns and to the cellist. The unicorns turned around and looked, only to see that the fog around the earth pony had condensed into an icy prison around her joints, with thick vines of frost preventing any movement. The cello was nowhere to be seen.

“Ahh, too easy girls, come now, three trained killers should be able to dispel a little fog!”

Two face hooves were the only response as a pale green flooded the car and the fog was gone.  “Don’t just stand there like mindless mouth breathers, get me out of this ice damn it!”

The two unicorns both attempted to simply shatter the ice with magic, only to find that they could not.

“It’s magic ice, you really think I wouldn’t block it against your magic?”

The foal’s voice seemed to come from nowhere and everywhere at once, while Twilight stifled a laugh. The unicorn with the green glow and the lyre again groaned in frustration and dropped the lyre. She took a chisel from one of her pockets and began to chip at the ice by hoof. The other unicorn stood guard defensively while here companion worked, making sure to keep her records spinning rapidly in a circle around the three to prevent any surprises.

“Surprise!” The foal shouted as he fell from a trap door in the roof, landing right on the unicorn spinning the records, knocking her unconscious from the impact. The records fell to the floor with a clatter; the other unicorn dropped the chisel and grabbed her lyre with her magic.

“No! Damn it, you are going to die for this foal!”

“If I had a bit for every time I heard that, I wouldn't need to take the risks that make me hear it.”

An emerald green began to surround the lyre as it floated just above the mare’s head. A string was plucked by her magic, and then another string, and then another.  Haunting notes began to reverberate through the air, as the glow brightened. A magic orb formed around the mare, with small bolts of electricity jumping between the orb and the lyre.

“Ohhh buck, this isn't good…”

A large bolt of green lightning fired from the lyre and towards the foal, missing by mere hoof lengths and causing the seat next to him to explode into a shower of splinters, each burning with a green flame.

Twilight looked to Luna and held up a small, striped box full of a tasty, buttery treat.

“Popcorn?” she offered.

“Why thank you, Twilight.”

“I always love a good show, at least, not when I’m the one in danger. Perhaps we should make a sport of this?”

“We do not think that that is an opinion shared by the mass of the public Twilight, maybe someday though.”

The Foal was busy sprinting around the train car and doing his best to avoid the deadly bolts as they destroyed the furniture and floor.

‘Think, think, think! How can I get her through that orb without getting fried by that damn lyre?’

‘Use the floors, foal, use the floors.’ Luna’s voice found it’s way into the foals mind, sending him spiraling into a distracting confusion, and nearly causing him to get zapped when lightning frayed the edge of his mane.

‘Luna, what the buck are you doing in my head?’

‘I got tired of watching you run, you are not very good at it.’

The foal decided against complaining, the advice was helpful after all. He magicked together some of the steel rods that had supported the various crushed chairs together and braced them through a hole in the floor, toward the ground speeding past below the train.

When the next bolt of lightning struck, it was attracted to the steel rods, and through them, into the ground below, which resulting a complete circuit into the ground.(That's all that lightning really wants after all, even magic lightning) A rather larger than normal flash of light followed the trail left from the unicorn mare’s horn and straight into the ground as she short circuited her magic. Exhausted, she fell into a heap on the floor and passed out.

By this time the earth pony had managed to crack loose of some of the icy tendrils wrapped around her limbs and was slowly making her way over to the foal. He looked to her with a smile.

“I win, your cello is gone,  your friends are unconscious, and you are weakened and tired.” The earth pony roared with a burst of last ditch strength and effort, shattering the ice, sending chunks of it flying through the air as she fell to the floor from exhaustion.

One particular chunk of ice happened to find the foal’s head. It also happened to have enough force to knock the foal clean out. He fell to the floor, still wearing that proud smile he had gained after realizing he managed to knock out three trained and hardened killers.

“Twilight, we believe you have found the perfect candidate, if he is a tad clumsy. Do tell, where might you have learned of such a youth?”

“Oh, eh, that’s a bit of a long story.” Both of the alicorns mares looked around at the half-destroyed cabin they sat in. Chunks of wood were hanging loosely in the wind, some were beginning to fall off onto the tracks as the train sped along.

“And perhaps we should restrain those three and move to another car before this one completely falls apart.”

“You make an excellent point, Twilight.”

The next time the foal woke, it was in a seat in a first class train car. He looked about himself, seeing the princesses re-cloaked and seated next to him on either side. Twilight snored lightly with her head against a window, while Luna was reading a small book.

“Uh, Princess Luna?” he whispered, not wanting to wake the sleeping mare to his left.

“Yes?”

“Where are those other three?”

“Oh, they have been placed under a simple sleep spell, they are all huddled together in another seat, until I let them wake.”

“Oh, useful.”

“Quite.”

The train went around a small left turn, causing Twilight’s weight to shift onto the foal.

“She doesn't drool, does she?” he complained as her head landed on top of the foal's.

The princess let out a small laugh “No, she does not, though she does sometimes talk in her sleep.”

Almost as if on cue, Twilight’s mouth opened and found the foal’s horn. “Oh Rarity… your horn is so dense.”

“I’m waking her up. Right now, I am waking her up.” The foal said as he shuddered.

“No, she has not slept in several days. Let her sleep.” The train rounded a right turn and Twilight shifted back to leaning on the window.

“So, Princess, do you have any plans about what to do with your sister?”

“No, that is what you are here for. We do not expect you to do anything personally, simply to aid in the planning of the actions which were to be taken on by one of my night guardsmen.”

“What? That sounds too boring.” The foal started pouting and looked away from Luna.

“You have much to learn young one.”

“I’m not young.”

“Oh?”

“I just look it.”

“Oh?”

“You are at least a thousand years old, but you look no older than thirty, how is it that my appearance comes as strange to you?”

“Oh.”

“What, did I break you?” he said, the princess looked as if lost in thought, about a thousand miles away lost. All he got in return was a silence. He grunted and got from his seat. “Well, I am going to the restroom.”

Luna did not bat an eye towards him as he walked away.

‘What a weird old mare.’

‘You are one to talk.’ The response startled him; he nearly slipped on the carpet.

‘Oh sure, now you respond.’

‘What, it’s not my fault you are a weird young colt.’

‘Whatever.’

The foal forced his mind to shut up, so as not to give away the fact that he was not in fact heading for the restroom, but the rear train car that he had fought in. Walking between the cars carefully, he saw that much of the car had already fallen apart and scattered bits of scrap along the track. Hopefully, his targets were still on board the collapsing train car.

After several minutes of searching, he found them. The instruments used by the other three in combat. The cello was where he had hid it, underneath the seat Twilight was originally sitting in; the lyre was thrown aside carelessly and in one of the walkways towards the back of the car. Records were everywhere, some stuck into the floor, some had flown wildly into walls, and the rest were in a circle near the patch of frost that still was on the carpet.

Smiling, he lifted the instruments into their discarded cases, and levitated them behind him as he walked back to the first class car. He stashed them in one of the luggage shelves near his seat and sat back down between the princesses.

Twilight was snoring moving about restlessly in her sleep. She would not be waking soon. Luna simply glared daggers towards the foal as he took his seat.

“What?”

“What do you mean what? You just stole those mare’s instruments!”

“I stole nothing, they left them behind and I collected a few trophies to celebrate my victory.”

“Trophies? Those instruments were crafted by highly skilled masters! They are each worth a small fortune of bits! You are just a common thief!” Luna’s angry whispers were slowly growing into a shout. Twilight was again shifting her weight to her right, and towards the foal’s head. He had an idea.

“You are correct Princess; I am just a common thief. I am just a common thief who just stole the weapons that three trained killers were trying to kill you with.”

“IT IS STILL STEALING!”

The Royal Canterlot Voice had awoken Twilight, as she was just about to land on the foal’s head once more.

“What’s with all the noise?” she said lazily.

"You hired a criminal, and Luna is upset that it is just a common thief."

"You are not a common thief, I read your file. Liar."

"Tell Luna that."

"Luna, he is not a common thief."

"He is too!"

"Is not!"

"Is too!"

"Is not!"

"Is too!"

"Is not!"

"Is too!"

"SHUT UP, BOTH OF YOU! I'm starting to get a migraine from this!" The foal was fuming, arguments always pushed his buttons.

Luna responded calmly, "We apologize foal, we have not yet been properly introduced. I am PRINCESS LUNA, ruler of the night, the moon, and Equestria! Show your respect, before we make you."

An awkward silence passed, during which, Luna's face changed from calm, to furious, to thoughtful, and finally her face rested on one of realization.

"We haven't even been introduced properly!" Luna sounded less angry. "I, am Princess Luna, it is a pleasure to meet you. What is your name?"

The foal's eyes widened at the last question."Uh... "

"Your name is 'Uh'?"

"No, it's uh... umm"

"Out with it already!"

"Oh buck..."

Luna looked confused, The Foal looked frightened, Twilight just facehooved.

Chapter 2: Twilight overreacts.

"Just call me Foal; that's all I'm ever referred to as anymore anyways."

"Do you not have a name, Foal?" Luna had a slight hint of concern in her voice.

"I do, or did, rather, it's a long story I don't enjoy telling."

"I see. Well then, might we ask you a question?"

"Depends on the question."

"What did you do with Prince BlueBlood's garbage disposal?"

The foal's eyes widened and he simply sat back in his seat in responce. "So how about that weather?"

"Foggy, dark, and chilly."

"The way I like it."

"You actually like the dark?"

"It makes it easier to make use of simple illusions. That, and ponies are always more tired at night; making them easier targets for being tricked."

"Well, We suppose that liking the night over the day has redeemed your earlier incompetence."

Score one for the foal!

"Never mind."

Hey, you mind staying the buck out of my head?

"Make me."

Sounds fun.

And then the foal visualized the incident with Prince BlueBlood's garbage disposal, making Luna's eyes widen and her stomach turn over.

"If you excuse us, We are going to go vomit in the bathroom now."

"Well, just stay out of my head. I've got things a thousand times worse than that if I catch you in there again."

"We will keep that in mind." She said as she dashed to the nearest lavatory to expel the vomit that had risen within her throat.

The foal smiled and tried to catch a nap in his seat before arriving. He did not succeed for long.

A navy blue hoof was prodding him in the side woke him up.

"Whua? More sleep... now...." He started to doze off again.

A navy blue hoof shoved him out of his seat, headfirst into the floor.

"Alright alright, I'm awake. What do you want Luna?"

"We are about to arrive."

"Oh, shouldn't we wake up Twilight too?"

"I'm too tired to deal with MorningTwilight."

"MorningTwilight?"

"MorningTwilight is what We refer to Twilight as when she has recently been woken up. She is a fierce beast of unstoppable rage and terror. She makes guards pale in absolute horror at her mere passing. She once tore a hole through Celestia's regalia for waking her up too early. Ever wonder why you haven't seen an alarm clock since she became an alicorn?"

"Kind of, yeah."

"One woke her up. She willed them out of existance. In short, MorningTwilight is NOT a morning pony."

This is where we get to see one of this Foal's many flaws, he has a sick and twisted sense of humor.

"This sounds fun!"

His horn lit up and the light soon enveloped him.

"You poor, ignorant foal, you have just dug your own grave."

"Don't care, will fun."

His size began to change to that of a grown stallion. His mane shortened, muscles grew. His color scheme lightened his coat from the normal papery white a snow white; his mane and tail from powder blue and gray to a darker but sharper blue, with a pale streak in the middle. His horn grew a little longer. His tail extended and took on a thicker volume. In short, the spitting image of Shining Armor was now standing in front of Luna.

"Are you a changeling foal?!" Luna's voice was laced with venom as her own horn began to glow.

"Psh, no. Those gross bug things can barely maintain an illusory form of shape changing. They just mask their own appearance with magic. I do a more literal transformation. This body is more or less identical to the real Shining Armor. The only major difference is that I can't copy his cutie mark exactly, and my own cutie mark always appears very faintly somewhere overlapping the one I'm imitating."

"Come to think of it, what is your cutie mark? I can't tell through your clothes."

"Oh, it's a masquerade mask in two colors, the same as my mane and tail normally are."

"Your special talent is dancing?"

"No, not at all, my special talent is deception. The mask represents an emphasis on anonymity, which is key in my line of work. You see, if everypony always knew what I looked like, it would seriously diminish my ability to get away with as much as I get away with."

"Might We ask, how did you get such a mark?"

"Ah, 'Tis a fine tale lass, but I'll give you the short version. A long time ago, I realized that I was shorter than others my age, got angry about it, learned some magic, made myself grow. At that point, my body assumed I was done growing naturally. The downside is that whenever I run out of energy or lose focus by whatever means, I instantly go back to my 'default' look. So since then, I have not aged physically without willing it to happen. That is also why I look so young."

"I've never actually heard of anything but a changeling using such a spell, where did you learn it?"

"From a dusty old stallion in the woods. He overheard me grumbling to myself about ponies teasing me for being a 'runt' and taught me the spell. It's simple really, I could show anyone who really wants it. But I wont make anyone suffer through watching everypony else age and die while staying young. A feeling you should understand more than most. Funny part to the story is, that old man was actually as young as I was physically."

Luna saw another emotional topic coming up, and changed the conversation in a safer direction."Oh, well... How do you even know what Twilight's brother looks like?"

"I applied for the Royal Guard once, they said I was too scrawny to fit in the uniform. I would have just grown a bit intentionally, but  this was just after the whole 'changeling invasion' thing. Kinda figured that showing off shape shifting abilities directly in front of the guy who was kind of used as food for the changeling queen... was a bad idea."

"Reasonable enough. But what do you plan on doing with your new visage?"

"I'm going to scare the hell out of MorningTwilight."

"That is a terrible idea."

"Isn't it? I can't wait."

The foal paused for a minute to gather his energies as his horn faintly glowed. Small blue orbs of light began floating out of the tip. After about a dozen orbs had formed, he opened his eyes and floated them around the sleeping Princess's head.

"Two for the ears, Two for the nose, Two for the mouth, and three for each eye." he said to himself, as though running down a check list.

His voice was gradually shifting to the deeper, more serious tone of Twilight's older brother. Once he was satisfied it was close enough to the real thing, he let the orbs flow into their respective sensory organs around Twilight's head. He shook her gently, horn still glowing.

Twilight woke to a peaceful morning in her old bedroom at her parents house. Shining armor was looking over her bed in his guard's uniform and spoke "Twily, wake up Twily, it's time for your first day at magic Kindergarten. Mom and Dad are already making breakfast, come on."

Twilight looked around groggily, pondering the surroundings she was in. "How did I get back here? What happened to the train? And Luna?"

"What? Silly Twily, you must of had one realistic dream. Come on, let's go!" Shining armor took a step back as she drifted back off to sleep.

The foal looked away from the again sleeping Twilight and instead to the giggling Luna as he whispered "This is where it gets fun!"

"You are so going to get killed for this."

Twilight was again awoken by her BBBFF, but more hurriedly this time.

"TWILIGHT! GET UP!"

"What?! What's going on?!"

"Mom turned the stove on too high and the house is on fire! Mom and Dad barely made it out, both of them were on fire. We need to move. NOW!"

This is when the spell altering her senses really showed it's stuff. Twilight could really smell the smoke, hear the crackling of the wood, feel the heat rising through the floorboards. She was terrified, and what do little fillies do when terrified? They wet themselves.

The entire illusion was shattered and the transformation spell began fading as The Foal lost all concentration from laughing his flank off. "OH FOR THE LOVE OF TARTARUS! THAT WAS BRILLIANT! I AM A BUCKING GENIUS!"

Twilight was still smelling and feeling flames, this time it was no illusion. Her mane and tail had ignited from sheer righteous fury. "I WILL KILL YOU FOAL! NO ONE FRIGHTENS AN ALICORN!" Her horn began to glow orange.

"Oh... oh buck... I'm so dead!"

Luna saw this as a fitting time to chime in. "Told ya."

This is when Twilight picked the foal up with her magic, opened the nearest train window, and held him outside of it for a moment. "Please don't do this Princess Twilight! I didn't mean to make you mad!" He was lying. "I'm sorry, so so sorry!" He was still lying.

Twilight decided against dropping him, and instead, shot him forward as fast as she could. The added speed from the train making the foal's face stretch backwards in distortion. Her magic released him when he was about two kilometers ahead of the train, and about half a kilometer way from the train station. He frantically tried to slow himself with his magic, but found that the illusion spell and the shape changing had nearly drained him, and that any more casting could kill him.

He was flying straight towards the stone wall that made up the side of the train station.

"Buck."

As if on cue, somepony did. And they bucked a brick to be exact. And it was on course to intersect the foal about 50 meters before he hit the train station wall. And it did.

It did not take an astute observer to hear the bone shattering crunch as it met the right side of his jaw, and sent him spiraling to the left. To his dismay, he did not pass out from pain until after crashing through several small booths that were each selling various fruits and vegetables. Eventually, he landed headfirst on the ground and left a 10 meter long gash in the dirt in the shape of his face.

The Foal awoke to the sound of a steady beeping and a the stale scent of industrial grade cleaning products.

"No. No no no no no. NO! You idiots did NOT bring me to a hospital!" He shouted to no pony in particular.

"Ah think you meant to say 'Thanks for saving mah life, random stranger Ah've never met before who had no obligation to do so.' "

Southern drawl... why did it have to be southern drawl... freaking rednecks.

"Ah, Thank you for saving my life, whoever you are. Unfortunately, I can not see through the myriad of bandages around my face, nor can I move to move them, but are my belongings are in the room at least?"

Luna's voice sounded from somewhere to his left "Yes, your belongings and your 'trophies' are here."

"Ah, thank you Princess Luna. Did you enjoy the little show I put on in the train?"

"Yes, We did actually enjoy it. It has been too long since We have managed to witness Twilight explode in such a manner against somepony else."

"Somepony else?"

"It is my job to wake her up, usually. The guards are too terrified and I am the most durable one awake at the hour."

"I see. Well, could somepony relate to me the extent of my injuries?"

"Well, Thirteen fractures along various ribs, multiple lacerations along your left eye,  three broken-no-SHATTERED legs,  two cracked vertebrae in your lower spine, your pelvis was nearly reduced to dust, and your missing a few teeth."

"Damn, I love morphine." The Foal soon managed to fall back asleep.

He woke up to the sound of excited giggling. He mentally facehooved at dealing with another mare.

"Can't I get some dang sleep for once?"

"Sorry! Ididn'tmeantowakeyou,Iwasjustsoexcitedtothrowyouagetwellparty!!It'llbeamazing!-"

For the sake of the durability of my keyboard, I will not type out the rest of the nearly five thousand words that flowed from the pink thing's mouth in under a second.

Who you calling a pink thing?!

Pinkie, shush, you are not supposed to hear the narration.

Well, maybe if SOMEPONY wasn't typing so loud, I couldn't hear it!

I am not a pony, Pinkie. I am a narrator you halfwit.

Oh you did NOT just go there! *throws cupcake*

Did you just SAY "*throws cupcake*"?

...Maybe.

Lets just get back to the story?

Fine, but don't think this is over! One more crack like that 'pink thing' thing, and your going into the next batch of cupcakes!

Ew... I'd really rather not. Can't we just get along?

Not a chance bucko! You are on the list already!

Okay, screw this. Author, you are going to have to hire a new narrarator, or have the foal tell this in first person for the rest of the chapter.

Wouldn't that be first-pony?

And with that comment, I stormed out of my office and left the story up to the author.

Okay, let's just have the story told from The Foal's point of view, shall we? I suppose that would work. I don't hear him quite as loud...

I looked towards the smell of sugary treats and asked "Who's there? Why did you go silent after overloading my ears?"

The only reply I got was "Oh never mind that, just getting rid of a terrible narrator."

What? I decided it would be best if I just went back to sleep and let this creepy pony be creepy.

Hey author, you are going to have to get that narrator back, The Foal is a terrible story teller. Tell him that if he doesn't come back and narrate the next chapters, he's going to wake up in a chair in my basement and will end up a cupcake.

Chapter 3: Hospitals suck

Alright folks, I'm back and seriously regretting having an argument with the pink menace. Here, have a story!

The Foal woke around noon the next day, still blind from bandages and in a full body cast.

"Ugh... This is getting old already"

"Well, that's what you get for waking me up."

"Ahh, my dear Twilight, it is a pleasure to hear your soothingly insane voice once again."

She sighed. "Alright, look sorry about the whole 'nearly killing you in a horrible, bloody manner' thing. Can we call it even?"

"Even? No. You owe me one, and a big one at that."

"Okay, what do you want?"

"I'm going to need a place to stay after I'm out of this hospital."

"Ah'd happily keep an eye on yah, but you'd have to work a good bit to earn your supper plate at the end of the day."

The Foal's eyes twitched behind the blinding bandages. "Nnnope!"

"Why wouldn't you want to stay at mah place? It's a nice cozy little barn, and besides I already saved your life once. You can trust me."

"I can't trust some mare I've never met, I'm just a little foal! I can't do manual labor! " It was AppleJack's turn for eye twitches. "Besides, as far as I know, you could be some freak who just gets off by hurting colts! I NEED AN ADULT!!"

"Ah refuse to let you go without me keepin' an eye on yah. Ah didn't save your life for nothing, yah hear? Ah gotta make sure you recover right!"

"If by 'savin mah life'" He impersonated her accent with an eerie accuracy. "than you mean giving me a slow, agonizing physical recovery as apposed to a quick, messy, merciful end; You suck."

"Why you ungrateful little varmit! I ought ta-" I am going to not list the stream of hate filled profanity that flowed from the farmer pony's mouth, and instead, I will continue with the story that was happening in the meanwhile.

Twilight grabbed the orange mare with her magic, and teleported her back to the farm. "Ah, well... That could have gone much better." she muttered under her breath.

"We agree, Twilight." Luna said.

"Perhaps we should simply find a house with an extra room, and ask nicely to house the foal?"

"We do not wish to impose upon our subjects though."

"True, that would be rude, and would not be a wise thing for a newly crowned princess to use as one of her first actual acts."

"Perhaps he could stay in your old library?"

"ABSOLUTELY NOT! I AM NOT LETTING THAT FOAL ANYWHERE NEAR MY PRECIOUS BOOKS!"

Everypony's ears were ringing... Luna spoke next "Twilight, you have learned the Royal Canterlot Voice with surprising ease. Perhaps-"

The foal grumbled "Do I get no say in my lodgings?"

They both looked to him, Luna with curiosity, but Twilight was shooting daggers with her eyes.

"I can easily find a place to stay, and you can simply hold onto that favor you owe for later. Perhaps something in a more sensual manner?"

And then all FOUR of the Foal's legs were broken, as opposed to the three that were broken when he first woke up.

After waking back up, several hours later, he found he had no idea what time it was.

"Hey, anypony there? Hellooooooo can't see through my bandages, can't read any clocks, wondering what time it is... Hellooooo..."

The foal was unaware entirely that he was sharing a hospital room with other ponies.

"SHUT THE HAY UP ! I'M TRYING TO SLEEP!" A brash, female voice to his right sounded.

"Then I assume it is night time? Could you be more specific?"

"It's about 4am, now shut your face hole before the doctors need to get you more bandages!"

Yeesh, somepony woke up on the wrong side of the hospital bed.

"This is the LAST TIME I break a wing, I swear it...."

"A pegasus eh? That'd be the life. Simply flying everywhere you need to be, not needing to risk botching a spell and killing everypony in a 30 meter radius."

"Is that what ended you up in here?"

"Nnnope! I pissed of Princess Twilight, she kind of used a train as a running start, and threw me at a train station. Somepony with a ridiculous accent decided to 'save' my life by bucking a BRICK into my face at nearly the speed I was flying, making me veer off to the side and survive the impact with various less-solid objects. Long story short, that mare needs a new sense of humor."

"That sounds like Twilight, all work no play. I've played so many pranks on her over the years, only to end up getting nearly blasted in the face by 'accident' or 'pure reflex'. It's a load of horseapples if you ask me, that mare just can't take a joke."

"I can't agree with you more on that one. How do you know her?"

"Psh, I'm only one of THE bearers of the elements of harmony. And I am also THE fastest flyer in all of equestria, record breaker in the Wonderbolt's academy, Rainbow Dash! I trust you've heard of me?" Rainbow looked smug, but the Foal was just rolling his remaining good eye.

"The only hearing I've done about you was hearing that you were rather arrogant. No offence, but I kind of agree." He heard a gasp coming from Rainbow.

"Who said that about me? Do I have to kick some flank?!" The Foal was chuckling quietly.

"None other than Princess Happy Pants her self, Twilight Sparkle."

"WHAT? I DID NOT SAY ANYTHING OF THE SORT!" Twilight's voice was coming from the corner of the room, she was apparently just staying quiet while watching the discussion.

"Ohhh you are here. Oops." That was a legitimate oops.

"Your dang right oops, little liar. You are so making me want to spill the beans on the thing with Prince Blue blood's garbage disposal."

"I'll behave..."

"Good, now hush and let the grown ups talk." Twilight said with a smirk.

I'm more than eventen times as old as her... stupid purple idiot.

Eyyyup.

Luna, what did I say about getting out of my head?

Seriously, what do you think I do all night?

Just go bother somepony else.

Somewhere along the lines of the internal dialogue, am external dialogue occurred, and both Rainbow and Twilight were laughing uncontrollably.

"Did I miss something?"

"Wait, you didn't hear any of that? Did I mess your ears up too?" Twilight asked.

"No, just letting my imagination run a bit too wild, it got rather incredulously annoying so I stopped." The laughing stopped.

"Gee, this guy just sucks the humor out of everything, doesn't he Twilight?"

"Yes, Yes he does." Twilight looked back to the foal. "We were discussing your upcoming living conditions, physical therapy and whatnot. Taxpayer money is going into keeping you from making the whole 'me nearly killing you' thing under the rug. As far as anypony is concerned, you tried to teleport to another train car and messed up. I would very much appreciate you not mentioning that to the press."

And with that, she gives me ANOTHER tool to use. She just doesn't get it...

"Hey Twilight, want to learn a new spell?" Her eyes had a sudden spark and she forgot what she was talking about. A note pad and an ink bottle and a quill each appeared at her side. "It's a real zinger, one that is frowned upon by most modern teachings. Most ponies long since forgot it even exists!"

She darted to his side immediately, "What does it do? How long do you think it will take to explain? Does it have a duration, or is the effect more sudden? What does it look like? How often can I use it? Can I-"

"Twilight! Twilight, calm down, come here and let me tell you up close. I'm feeling a little weak, lean close."  She obliged, lowering her ear next to his mouth.

His horn glowed gently as he moved his horn to touch hers tip to tip. "Got ya."  Her eyes went wide as she realized what he was doing. He forcibly used her magic reserves to cast a spell of his own, ripping it right out of her and into the air around his horn. The glow was enough to to ignite the bandages on his horn, as his own spell began to work his away around his mangled body.

"OHHH YEAHHH! THAT IS THE STUFF! SCREW MORPHINE BABY!" The magic was focusing around his major injuries first. Tendrils of magenta and blue seeped into the base of his spine, powdered itself around his ribs, encased his limbs, eventually just covered him in the multi-hue glow.

Seconds crawled past like hours, as the searing light filled the room. After a few minutes, the light flowed back into the single point of contact between horns that it started at. And then there was an explosion.

AppleJack finally making her way back to Ponyville General. She had finally calmed down and come up with a way to rightly apologize to that Foal. After a while, she found herself in front of his room and pacing back and forth. She really was starting to feel as though she had wronged the Foal. He would be crippled for life after all, and with a nearly broken horn no less! What unicorn can live with a broken horn? Let alone only one working hoof!

She paced for a time when shouting was heard from inside, she assumed it was The Foal getting emotional over the extent of his injuries. She rubbed her hoof on her chin for a bit in contemplation, trying to decide on what words to use. But then there was the explosion.

The door splintered out from the shock wave,  and would have shredded Apple Jack, had she been just a few paces leftwards. The window in the room was reduced to powder, and spread in a cone shape into the grass outside.

The Foal began laughing, a maniacal, twisted laugh. His horn sparked, and his bandages burned away in a blue flame immediately. His remaining eye widened to an almost unrealistic proportion as the other began appearing in the socket, seemingly comprised out of raw magic . "The power... more... MORE!"

Foal, what are you doing?! Stop draining Twilight! You could kill her!

Luna! Thank the stars, tell Twilight to get my scarf around my neck, and fast! I can't do a thing to stop myself until somepony does.

This is no time for warmth you Foal, Twilight's about to die!

JUST TELL SOMEPONY TO GET THAT SCARF ON! NOW!

Somewhere far off, Luna cringed, clutching her hooves to her head to dull his mental roar. She decided to pass that message along to the near by AppleJack and Rainbow Dash. As soon as they both understood what to do, they galloped to the corner of the room where The Foal's saddlebags lay.

Not but a second before they reached it, they were interrupted by a rather immense blast of energy to the floor between them and the bags. "I don't think so, little ponies. Stay away from that scarf if you want a quick death! Trying to get it will only result in your... prolonged suffering." The Foal had begun to levitate slightly off the floor, eye(s) glowing with the color of Twilight's magic.

The two mares froze in place, and looked one another in the eye, sharing an understanding glance that spoke volumes in itself. AppleJack charged for the Foal, tackling him right out of the air and knocking the breath out of him, severing the link between his and Twilight's horns. She started pounding her hooves into his injuries, hitting him hard enough and often enough to keep him from focusing any magic at all. She re-broke ribs, she re-opened his cuts, she re-gouged out his eye, she slammed him into the wall with her hooves around his neck with enough force for him to stay there. She turned around and let loose the hardest buck she could, and aimed it right into his crotch.

Rainbow Dash had just found his bags as she heard an all too familiar crunch after the buck. This was followed by a rather disturbing scream. Partly disturbing due to the fact that he just had his genitalia reduced to goo, Partly disturbing due to the fact that he sounded like he wanted to bathe in the blood of a thousand infants.

Dash dashed over to him and quickly did her best to help, only to get blasted back by another shock wave. He fell to the ground, horn still glowing. More tendrils and light radiated out from his horn.and regenerated his 'new' injuries. "Not bad, farmer mare, not bad." He sounded calmer...

"BUT NOT GOOD ENOUGH!" There was an audible change in his voice, as if it was backed by more than just him, almost as if a more demonic voice was saying the same words, at the same time.

AppleJack just looks to her friend. "Ah'm gonna be honest here... We more bucked than one of my apple trees."

Rainbow Dash just looked at her and deadpanned. "Eyyyup."