Dear Princess Celestia

by Jeez

Rating: everyone
Tags: Princess Luna, Comedy, Princess Celestia, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 8530

Celestia and Luna need to deal with a new threat to Equestria: Friendship report spam.

In "The Cutie Pox" Apple Bloom sent a friendship report to princess Celestia, despite not having been asked to do so. This story explores what happens if the habit of sending friendship reports spreads even further.

Published 2013-03-31 13:30:01 UTC
Last updated 2013-04-02 17:40:04 UTC

Epilog: Good morning, mister Jet Set

The morning saw an eclectic group of ponies gathered around the entrance to one of the more expensive apartment buildings in Canterlot – the natural habitat of ponies who wanted to show off their money but didn't have money old enough to own a villa. Real estate was precious in this city.

Twilight Sparkle and her friends were there, as were a number of other special guests and a very chipper princess of the night. Also there were assorted assistants, helpers, performers, extras, camera crews and onlookers.

Luna was full of energy, having just risen from a long, restful sleep (which for her meant three hours). Just half a day ago she had instructed the castle staff to help her prepare for this and what she received was glorious. Ten centuries under her sister had prepared them for this kind of occasion and they went about the preparations like a well-oiled machine.

The media were informed – and involved. An award-winning director had been flown in. Floats had been prepared and the Wonderbolts Flying Band was ready to lead the parade. The only clouds in the sky were meticulously positioned to spell out a very special message. Every major band in Equestria had received an invitation to play on the three sound stages that had been erected throughout the city. All the right government officials were in all the right places. Speeches were prepared, rehearsed and deemed worthy. A song had been written just for this occasion. The fireworks were still being set up but weren't scheduled to go off until the evening anyway. Commenters' booths were hovering over concession stands. Complimentary tomatoes were being handed out. Somehow there even were Don't Tick The Princess Off Day decorations all over the town despite Luna not having officially created the holiday yet.

The director gave the sign. Six o' clock. Time to start. The appropriate doorbell was rung and everypony took their positions. Finally the door opened, revealing a confused-looking Jet Set. As the confetti started drifting to the ground and the cameras focused on him, he could only stare at the princess as she dropped a bucket of water in front of him and said:

"Scrub."

Author's Note

You asked for more details on Luna's reply to Jet Set's letter and you shall receive. I decided to let the actual action happen off-screen because sometimes hinting is more enticing than showing. Especially when the hints are the equivalent of waving a nuclear warhead around.

Also because I write while commuting and describing Luna's revenge in detail would've taken me ages. But the hint-don't-show thing is totally the real reason.

Celestia and Luna never stop eating

It was a beautiful late morning in Canterlot. The princesses had decided to brunch today since it had been a very long night for Luna – a constellation had wandered across half the sky, confusing astronomers and stargazers everywhere. She was still sorting out the last of the paperwork while Celestia was facing the difficult task of deciding which flavor of jelly she liked best.

"I recommend the grape jam. It's wonderful. But stay away from this spiced pineapple stuff. I think the chefs got a little bit too experimental there." The accusing knife Celestia leveled at the offending jar went completely unnoticed.

Luna didn't look up from her paperwork. "Perhaps we should commission an early warning system."

"What, for pineapple jelly?"

"Pine– no!" Luna glared at her giggling sister. "For misbehaving constellations. One observatory had knowledge of Orion being off by two arc seconds for nigh a fortnight already and they never told us!"

Celestia offered her a bit of wisdom. "You need to give them an incentive. Look at what I did with Twilight Sparkle."

"You tricked her friends into doing her work?" Now it was Celestia's time to look unamused.

"I meant back when she asked if she could stay in Ponyville. Grant them a little boon and ask them to do their work in return. Works like a charm." Celestia gave Luna a smug grin. "Especially when the boon is something you want them to have anyway."

Just then, a scroll materialized next to Celestia's head. She quickly started levitating it before it could drop into her tea.

"Speak of Discord," she commented as she unrolled the scroll. Luna leaned in.

"So, whose turn was it to receive enlightenment? My bet is on the peasant."

"The modern term is 'farmer'. And let's find out together. For the record, I think it's Rainbow Dash. At least she could use a lesson or two."

Celestia cleared her throat and started reading the scroll. "Dear Princess Celestia. Waiting for your heart's desires can be haurd so you may try to take a shaurtcut. But this dishaunesty nev'r works because you didn't earn what your heart desires. The only cure is bein' haunest with y'rself an' others. An' that's something ev'ry heart desires."

"That accent is unmistakable. Victory is mine! Huzzah!" Luna cheered.

Celestia furrowed her brows. "You know, that's an odd insight for the bearer of the Element of Honesty."

Luna stopped her impromptu celebration. "Now that you mention it..."

"Perhaps it's something she realized by observing her little sister. From what I know she and her friends are prone to terrorizing the entire town." Celestia rolled up the letter and used it to paint some vaguely descriptive squiggles in the air while she talked.

"A little filly who spreads terror and disorder everywhere? That does sound very familiar. If I could only remember who that reminds me of..." Luna grinned as Celestia switched her brows from "furrowed" to "raised".

"I'll have you know that I'm still perfectly capable of spreading terror and disorder after growing up. Now let's see who Applejack learned this lesson from." Celestia unrolled the scroll. "There's a postscript here. PS: That was Applebloom writing you. Spike"

"Surely you mean Applejack," Luna corrected her.

"No, it says Applebloom. That's her little sister."

This puzzled Luna. "I know, but did you not give that order to Twilight Sparkle and her friends only?"

"Apparently they found this lesson so profound that they needed to write me." Celestia shrugged.

"Or Twilight Sparkle decided that she needed to write something or risk being found tardy. 'Clock! Is! Ticking!'" Luna's surprisingly accurate impression of an unhinged Twilight Sparkle would have been more amusing to Celestia if the subject matter hadn't been her prized student going completely off the rocker.

"Gee, thank you for reminding me of that little episode. It's been almost two minutes since you last mentioned it."

Luna beamed at her sister. "That's what siblings are for, sister dearest!"

She had to agree, though: The grape jam on the bun that hit her in the face was wonderful.

The beautiful late morning turned into a gorgeous noon followed by an afternoon worthy of any number of positive adjectives - although the princesses' opinions might have been biased by the fact that Celestia had a rare free afternoon by virtue of some creative scheduling and Luna hadn't had any appreciable afternoons for the last millennium. Speaking of which, during that millennium Luna had picked up a habit of napping several times a day instead of regular sleep which now made her a common sight around the palace even during the day. This had the pleasant side-effect of confusing everypony about when she was actually awake, stymieing any attempt at scheduling her for anything she didn't feel like.

Celestia and Luna were lazing around - Less busy ponies had no idea of how luxurious being able to laze really was! - and were passing the time with some light reading. And cookies. The cookies were vital and Celestia enjoyed each one of them immensely. Triple chocolate, walnut fudge, crunchy ambrosia... Employing the most brilliant cooks in the country meant a never-ending stream of the best imaginable treats. Like the oddly papery and large one that she didn't remember being in the bowl.

Celestia removed the letter from her mouth and tried to ignore Luna's failed attempt at containing her laughter. Luna was right; one day she'd have to commission an early warning system. Her magic and habit automatically unrolled the letter for her.

"Dear Princess Celestia, today I learned that there is no convenient way of disposing of a body– WHAT?!" The white alicorn stared at the letter as if it had just tried to bite her in the face.

Luna bought none of it. "Come on, sister. If you want to prank me you will have to do something a little less obvious."

"No, that's exactly what it says." Celestia's face and voice made it clear that she wasn't joking. She was a prankster but she wasn't that good at acting. "Dear Princess Celestia, today I learned that there is no convenient way of disposing of a body. No matter how much you want the problem to just go away on its own, after a while it really starts to smell and the police might start asking questions you can't answer.

Not even the Everfree Forest can reliably conceal a whole pony that the police is searching for. But with good friends and a wood chipper you can handle any situation, even accidents nopony needs to know about.

Your faithful student
Twilight Sparkle"

Celestia's voice trembled as she reached the end of the letter. "She couldn't. She wouldn't." Her eyes returned to the letter. One after another her eyes, mouth and ears dropped from a look of utter terror to one of utter annoyance. "She didn't. PS: Gotcha."

Luna collapsed with laughter. "It seems –ha ha ha– It seems that the apprentice has become the master!"

Celestia contemplated crumpling up the slightly chewed letter and tossing it at the Luna-colored heap on the floor that gasped for air between fits of laughter and unintelligible comments. She decided against it, though; she'd file it away, instead. And if Twilight ever needed emotional support again, this would be the very first letter she'd send her most cocky student.

"The next time I make a prodigy my student I won't prank them so they won't get the urge to prank me back," she said with mock indignity.

Luna picked herself off the floor. "For how long? A whole day?"

Celestia struck a heroic pose and looked at her sister with a look of equally heroic determination. "I might even make it two if necessary."

"Such noble sacrifice! I may just swoon!" Luna dramatically raised a hoof to her forehead.

Celestia reacted immediately. "Quick! We must pad out the floor with pillows!"

The servants on duty in the room looked on as the two divine sisters, guardians of the day and night sky, rulers of all of Equestria, started to build a pillow fort. They weren't surprised; after a few weeks on the job one just accepted the fact that despite being several millennia old the princesses somehow never managed to grow up. At least now there were two of them to distract each other.

A day later Celestia was busy catching up on paperwork while her sister was pretending to do the same but was mostly just keeping her company. The few audiences she had to deal with allowed Luna to do most of her paperwork on her throne, giving her relatively copious spare time - a fact that filled Celestia with no small amount of envy. In fact, maintaining that spare time was the main reason why Luna cultivated her image as a distant and fickle ruler. Everywhere except Ponyville, that is. As she had quickly learned, it was impossible to not become friends with Ponyville; the town simply didn't give one a choice in the matter.

Luna took a sip of her coffee. (Of course they had coffee and snacks. Running a country was thirsty and often exceptionally boring work.) "Why exactly are we rezoning the Everfree Forest again? 'Tis not even inhabited save for a single hut."

Celestia sighed. "I think it's because that way everypony can have an argument and feel important without having to worry about the consequences if they lose. It happens every year."

Luna looked her sister straight in the eyes, ready to point out the obvious. "In that case, does it even matter if you participate?"

Celestia blinked a few times and dumped the letters into the fireplace (which would have been a more dramatic gesture if it weren't summer). "Huh. Didn't think of that. I guess I didn't want to disappoint them."

The former mare in the moon smiled. "You can't please everypony–"

"–or you end up pleasing nopony." Celestia nodded. "You've been reading the friendship reports."

"No, that sliver of wisdom just happens to be as true today as it was a thousand years ago," Luna commented dryly.

"Stop being the wise one. You're making me look like a foal."

Luna's expression was unmoving like a rock that was also a good actor. "Oh, perish the thought, dear sister. You do that just fine yourself."

The letter that Celestia tossed at her went widely off-target but quickly returned to its thrower.

"Hey, that one's from Ponyville."

"The mayor's office?" Luna was still trying to look serious.

"No, it's from one 'Carrot Top'. That's why I'm so intrigued. Can't say I'm familiar with the name."

Luna thought for a moment. "I think she grows carrots."

Celestia gave her a bemused look. "Gee, what an insight." She opened the letter. "Dear Princess Celestia, lately my garden keeps being invaded by bunnies who eat my carrots."

Luna cocked her head. "It is gardening advice she seeks of you?"

"All my friends tried to help but nothing worked, not even when Fluttershy asked them to go. But then Berry Punch had a crazy idea involving alcohol and fire that actually worked, even if I'll have to get used to having a burning moat around my garden.

So in the end I learned that listening to your friends' advice is worth it even if their ideas sound stupid and dangerous.

Best regards from your faithful subject
Carrot Top"

Celestia looked up from the letter. "Did I just receive a friendship report from a random mare in Ponyville? About burning moats?"

Her sister was as baffled as her. "'Tis official, then. There is a seventh Element of Harmony: Moat."

"Yes, I always found burning moats to be indispensable for harmony." Celestia grinned and put the letter into the tray labeled "Weird things I'll deal with later".

While doing so, she noticed another letter with a Ponyville address on top of the heap.

"The Ponyville mayor had better had her name changed," Celestia commented as she opened it. Inside were seven pages of densely filled paper forming a single stream-of-consciousness paragraph that barely even pretended to be a letter.

"...so in the end it's all about balance. Everypony can sit like that, even if it requires a lot of training. And that's actually why I'm writing you: Couldn't she have thought of that six pages ago? Bon-Bon really has no talent for it but she keeps trying, even if she falls off the couch a lot. And that's what friendship is all about, right? Trying things your friends like and putting up with their weirdness. Say hi to Luna. Lyra."

The princesses were silent for a moment.

"I admit I missed out on a thousand years of correspondence," Luna finally said, "but that has to be one of the worst letters I have ever seen."

Her sister agreed. "Writing a letter is an art. This is like painting the entire canvas black and then adding a layer of tar to make it even blacker. How much blacker can you make it?"

"None."

"That's right." Celestia gesticulated with the papery ink she levitated. "None blacker. And this explanation of 'Friends are tolerant' could be none more convoluted." She sighed. "I wonder why suddenly everypony in Ponyville wants to report to me. And whether I should have a conversation lexicon shipped to Twilight's library."

With a grin, Luna plucked another letter from Ponyville from the heap. "Not yet, but we're making progress."

Celestia let a face sour enough to make lemons envious be her only comment.

Luna opened the envelope and unfolded the letter. "Oh dear. This handwriting is... unusual." She cleared her throat. "Deer princess Celostia."

Celestia switched her expression from "sour" to "stony" as she looked at her cackling sister. "How funny. Would you please read it correctly?"

"No, that's what it says here." Luna positioned herself and the letter so that they could both read it.

"Deer princess Celostia. Your my favorite puncress. I liek Luna too but you make the day and when its bright I can see things and stuff."

"You know, I always found it important to distinguish between things and stuff." Luna nodded sagely.

"My frinds say I have a alcohol prolbem but thas not true. Its a deffining character trait and thats DIFFERENT. It just that I sometimes get bad ideas when Im hammered usually. But my frends put up with it even if they told me its stupid a dozen times before I did it. THATS REAL FRIENDSHIP Im so sloshed rignt now its not even funny. Berry Punch."

Celestia gave up trying to express her way out of the situation and instead buried her face in the remaining papers on her desk. "Baaaah. I liked the one with the moat better. It even had the same mare in it!"

"Aren't you going to answer that mare?" Luna grinned. "After all, you are her favorite puncress! You make her see both things and stuff. And she bears the element of Moat."

Celestia turned her head just enough to glare at her sibling. "Watch it, sister, or I'll decree that any lessons on friendship learned after sundown must be reported to you."

Luna raised her forehooves in an appeasing gesture while still grinning broadly. "I'll behave."

Celestia resumed burying her face in the papers. "Anyway, I need to figure out a way of dealing with these..."

Luna scratched her chin. "Unsolicited bulk friendship reports?"

"'Unsolicited bulk friendship reports'? That's almost as unwieldy as that Lyra's letter. We need to find a better name for this phenomenon. Like..."

"Spiced peas and mush?"

Celestia eyed her dinner plate like the ...matter... on it would come alive. She half expected it to. "Okay, new law: No more avant-garde cooking instead of the main dish."

"Actually, your highness," the table servant next to her pointed out, "this is due to your request for more common fare in order to annoy Prince Blueblood. SPAM is a common canned food well known for its long shelf life."

"Of course you had to serve it on a day where he's already sick on his own." The princess of the sun looked at the servant. "I was thinking of hay fries, not this. Does it have any redeeming qualities besides scaring mold away?"

"Well..." The stallion didn't seem sure. "It's cheap. And did I mention it has a long shelf life? Also, it's cheap."

Celestia looked at Luna. Luna looked at her plate. The substance on the plate seemed to look back at her.

"Lovely. SPAM." Luna prodded it with her fork as if she feared it might prod back. "We're not that hungry," announced the dark mare.

"And here I thought you only used the pluralis majestatis outside the castle."

"I'm not using it."

And Celestia was enlightened.

The servants quickly served the backup plan - blessed be the kitchen staff in their infinite wisdom - and dinner proceeded without further interruption. I would describe what exactly the princesses were eating but the chef did get a little avantgardistic and I can't pronounce, much less spell most of what he made. It was, however, of the quality you'd expect from a team of cooks with a budget comparable to that of a small country.

After lunch Luna was about to excuse herself for a nap when a servant entered the room to relay grave news to the bringer of dawn:

"More letters for you, your majesty."

Celestia accepted the letters with a courteous nod and– "Hey, are there any friendship reports in there?"

Luna was preemptively amused and hovered over her sister. Literally, in fact.

Celestia let out an exaggerated sigh and sifted through the letters. "Let's see. Administrativa, administrativa... Here's one from a mister Mgawe from Neighgeria who needs access to my bank account so he can move ten million bits out of the country..."

Luna was suitably impressed. She was used to her sister moving the sun across the sky and generally wielding great power, of course; those kinds of things were expected of a goddess. But the way she could read and understand an entire letter in under a second still kept amazing the former mare in the moon.

She was pulled from her thoughts when the white-and-pastel reading machine in front of her announced the discovery of a friendship report by clearing her throat.

"O wise and graceful princess Celestia, it has come to Trixie's attention that all great mares are sending you letters to share their insights into magic and friendship with you. And why didn't this Trixie write to me directly, then?"

Luna landed and pretended to ponder this mystery. "Perhaps Trixie is very shy and does not crave your attention."

"Or the author of this mysterious letter has stolen her lesson about friendship and decided to send it herself," Celestia offered.

Luna was shocked. "We might be facing a friendship thief!"

"How dastardly." Celestia continued. "As Trixie is as insightful as she is talented, she has decided to share her knowledge of these subjects with you. And yet she didn't write me a letter. Friends, while expensive to maintain, are very useful in times of need, such as when Trixie requires money or a place to stay. So, as single-minded, untalented and generally bothersome as they may be, friends are something Trixie recommends keeping around.

Regards,
the Great and Powerful Trixie"

The princesses remained in stunned silence for a while.

"That..." Celestia began the sentence but was unable to continue.

Luna was. "That ranks amongst the most horrible letters I ever bore witness to. That mare is rotten to the very core!"

Celestia attempted to defend her subject. "Well, perhaps she just... has a very big ego. And doesn't value others highly." She didn't try very hard.

"Sister, I believe not that there is much difference."

Celestia responded with a somber nod.

"Still, I cannot believe that Ponyville would harbor such a scoundrel." Luna was clearly annoyed that her new favorite town had such a blemish. "Where does this horrible pony live? I feel like sending letters of condolence to her neighbors."

Celestia looked at the envelope, then back to her sister. "There is no address and the stamp says it was sent from Hoofington."

Luna furrowed her brows. "You know what that means."

"Yes." Celestia said with the gravity of several octillion tons of heavy hydrogen isotopes continuously undergoing nuclear fusion. "It's spreading."

Since a national crisis was at hoof the princesses unfortunately had to cancel all other engagements that evening. They immediately formed a response team consisting of themselves and met in conclave in Celestia's study, taking with them the unwanted friendship reports and a supply of snacks and hot chocolate. There were strict orders not to disturb them except for urgent or actually important business. New friendship reports were explicitly neither.

"Something needs to be done," Celestia proclaimed after finishing off a delightful rose and raisin muffin.

Her sister solemnly nodded, taking a large sip of the most exquisite hot chocolate money could buy. "I say that we answer such unwanted reports with a clear 'do not bother us'." The chocolate mustache only slightly diminished her majesty.

Celestia cocked her head to the side. "You know, the royal 'we' has really fallen out of fashion."

Luna was clearly not ready to give up her status as god-empress. "I beg your pardon for not observing the latest trends while on the moon. Besides, what happened to our gravitas?"

Celestia shrugged. "It only weighed us down."

Luna gesticulated with a hoof. "Our pathos?"

Celestia waved her off. "It was deemed pathetic."

Luna gave her sister a grumpy look. "...Are you going to shoot down everything I say with a pun?"

The smirk made Celestia's answer superfluous. "I have a pun and I'm not afraid to use it."

The goddess of the night decided to assert her grace and glory by flinging a pillow at her sister. Retribution would certainly have followed, were it not for the valiant peacekeeping efforts of whoever knocked at the door right then.

"We're busy," Celestia shouted over her shoulder.

"It's urgent," the door shouted back.

Celestia got up and trotted over to the door. "Yeah, I didn't expect that to work either."

As soon as she opened the door she received the urgent message, which consisted of the servant tossing a stack of letters past her, saying "Yoink!" and galloping off.

She still stood there dumbstruck as the last letters drifted to the ground.

"Well, that was new," Luna offered. After closer inspection of the letters on the ground she added: "and I dare you to guess wrong as to what has just been delivered unto us."

"I think you mean 'inflicted'," Celestia commented as she closed the door and trotted back to her sister. "And one day I need to find out who made my household so mischievous and deceitful."

Her sister had a hunch. "Why, it must be quite a menace of a pony."

"Yes. Twisted and double-faced. And handsome."

Having made her way over to the letters on the ground Celestia surveyed the damage. Most of the letters were obviously plain, boring, safe administrativa. Only one stood out.

"Zecora, Zecora's Hut, Everfree Forest, deliver via Ponyville. Now that's an address you don't see every day."

Luna was delighted. "Oh, I know Zecora. She is an immigrant from– what are the Moorish lands called these days again?"

"I think she's from Afarawayland, which is nowhere near where the Moors were. Oh, and "Moor" has been an insult for the last five centuries."

"...right. I probably should spend some time with the royal cartographers. Regardless, as I was saying she's a wonderful mare from Afarawayland who made the Nightmare Night celebrations a spectacle indeed. I am looking forward to this letter – and not for the usual reasons."

"I should really spend more time with Twilight's friends." Celestia cleared her throat.

"Dear rulers of the moon and sun, I fear that trouble has begun. Why'd she write this letter in rhyme?"

"Oh, she always speaks in that manner," Luna explained. "Has Twilight Sparkle never mentioned that in her reports?"

"No, but she did point out that Zecora makes great tea. Several times." Celestia continued. "I wrote to you to make you see the trouble is for you and not for me. I noticed in the recent past that many did what few you asked. You asked the friends of young Twilight that friendship reports they should write – yet now half Ponyville sends you reports (some trite). I'll say! If this grows still as quite as hurried you might end up completely buried.

I wonder now: Was your intent that everypony should send what they all learned of being a friend?

Zecora"

The princesses pondered Zecora's letter for a while. The amount of friendship reports did increase quickly and it was no longer contained to Ponyville. Besides, it took a mere day to go from just Apple Bloom and a prank letter to almost half a dozen letters from random mares in two towns. Ponies were herd animals and trends usually didn't take long to turn into nationwide phenomena. The castle being buried under letters was a very real possibility.

"She does have a point," Celestia said. "We already have Ponyville and Hoofington involved. By next week we could spend all day doing nothing but reading bizarre letters about sitting techniques and burning moats."

Luna stomped her hoof. "We need to end this as soon as–"

She was interrupted by another knock at the door.

Celestia answered by shouting: "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, go to the moon."

The door was unimpressed. "I don't know about that," the sound of a mare proclaimed, "but I've got a personal letter for princess Luna. Yes, really."

Celestia looked at Luna. Luna nodded. She received a lot of official mail but since the novelty of her return had worn off she could usually count the personal letters she received in a week on one hoof. This was unusual enough to warrant further investigation.

"Let me answer." Luna walked to the door. "That does sound like my assistant anyway."

As expected, the door revealed a gray pegasus mare with her omnipresent clipboard. (No, her eyes were okay. That gray pegasus mare will show up in a later scene.) Nopony knew what she did with the clipboard but it was a matter of public accord that personal assistants always had clipboards. As for the title, Luna decided that in an effort to go with the times she'd forgo a hoofmaiden in favor of a personal assistant. The only differences were the job title and regalia but everypony agreed that it was very modern. Also, this mare was the only pony who knew exactly when, where and how long Luna was napping, making her vital in her quest to confound those who tried to make her do work she didn't feel like doing.

"Congratulations, princess," the PA said, "it's from Jet Set. I don't know what you did to deserve this but I'm sorry for you."

A bewildered Luna took the letter. "...Thank you, Moonshine. I will read this with my sister, then."

Moonshine shrugged. "Share the pain, huh? As long as I don't have to be around..."

Luna's bewilderment refused to abate. "...Is there anything else or would that be everything?"

"Nah, you were already hit with the surprise letter bomb. That 'yoink' thing was much funnier than what I had in mind, anyway. Oh wait, the head of the royal observatory wants to talk shop. Schedule it for Friday evening?"

It really was unmistakable who had run this household for the last ten centuries. Luna confirmed the appointment with a nod, let the grinning Moonshine go and returned to her sister.

"Jet Set... I cannot say I know this name. Do you, sister?"

Celestia moved back a step as if Luna had just waved a bag of trash in her face. "Oh, I do. You know that kind of socialite where I never listen to what they say because they're too busy hearing themselves talk to notice anyway?"

"At least something hasn't changed in the last thousand years." Luna gave her a smirk.

"Well, he's the worst of the bunch. And trust me, this generation is big on blowhards."

Luna laughed. "And that is why I discourage ponies from seeking an audience with me. Still, whatever might he want?"

"Perhaps he's looking for a new way to be ignored. I guess there's only one way to find out."

With great pomp and fanfare Luna opened the envelope, removed and unfolded the letter and cleared her throat. If this letter was as vapid as everypony made it seem she'd milk it for all the nonexistent drama it was worth. She scanned over the letter to find the proper tone to start recounting the epic tale of the one they called Jet Set... and deflated.

Celestia's ability to pick up on obvious clues didn't fail her. "What's wrong? It is that bad?"

With a frown Luna started reading:

"Your majesty, I write to you on a matter of the utmost importance.

You see, everypony who's somepony seems to be writing to your sister these days. Just yesterday my wife Upper Crust overheard some pony of no import talking about how it was all the rage in some random backwater village – I believe it was Ponyville. Backwater? Oh, that little... Obviously, we paid no attention to the dealings in Ruritania. But then we learned that the vastly more fashionable Hoofington was also in the grip of this latest craze. Which brings me to the point of my communiquè. I would like to point out that this buffoon put the wrong accent on 'communiqué'. If writing to your sister is the trend today then following it means nothing. Instead I am writing to you to be ahead of the game and set the trend of tomorrow. I am certain to be the envy of all of Canterlot by the time you become the next national phenomenon.

Yours faithfully,
Jet Set"

Luna lowered the ...thing... and gave her sister a pained look.

Celestia looked as disgusted as Luna was. "That was low even for him."

"I feel like taking a shower now." The princess of the night shuddered. "I feel dirty."

Celestia gave her an understanding nod. "We all do after dealing with Jet Set."

Luna crumpled the offensive letter up and flung it into a corner. "Tomorrow I shall send him a pail of water, a bar of soap and a scrubber."

"And tell him to wash out his mouth? I think that only works for swearwords."

"No," Luna answered matter-of-factly, "I will tell him to wash out his skull, for it is most certainly filled to the brim with dung."

Celestia burst into laughter. "Brilliant! What did I do without you for the last ten centuries?"

"Nothing about worthless socialites, apparently."

Celestia gave her sister a grin. "I'll have to get you in touch with the Canterlot high society. It'll be like oil and fire."

As usual, Luna just had to be the reasonable one. "I have a better idea, sister. Instead of me, let us have Zecora do the fireworks. And instead of the Canterlot high society let us use Ponyville. And instead of now we shall do it next fall – say, around Nightmare Night?"

"Aww. And here I thought I could share the pain." Celestia was doing her best mock disappointment.

Luna comforted her with a pat on the back. "No chance of that, sister, but I'll gladly share the candy."

"Deal." Celestia smiled. "In fact, I think you just gave me a wonderful idea..."

It had been a perfectly average day at the Ponyville post office. Derpy had misplaced half her mail again (but delivered the mail she wasn't responsible for with pinpoint accuracy before disappearing to Celestia-knows-where) while the other mailponies were completely confused about who lived where and had finally settled on just delivering mail at random, relying on Brownian motion to do the rest. The only thing missing was Rarity throwing a tantrum while her fabric order was being fetched - but then again it wasn't Wednesday.

Somepony once described the Ponyville post office as a part of Tartarus that had been kicked out because it made the rest look bad. That pony was obviously speaking from experience but still the staff went about their business with joy, determination and absolutely no skill whatsoever.

They were just wrapping things up for the day when a bright flash filled the room and two alicorns manifested. Along with them manifested two huge mugs emitting a powerful aroma of cocoa so exclusive that even the legends about it had legends about them.

The mailponies were unsure how to react and decided that the safest course of action was to bow to the rulers and their artifacts of pure olfactory delight. The princesses for their part sipped their cocoa with the relaxed look of ponies who knew that they could utterly dominate a room just by casually standing in it (and, in fact, were doing that right now).

The pony in charge approached the princesses and bowed to Celestia again. "Your majesty, it's an honor to have you visit us." He gave Luna a nod. "Hello, Luna. Having a nice evening?"

Luna answered with a smile. "'Tis been fair so far, thank you." She ignored the waves of envy emanating from her sister. Celestia had always been a hooves-on ruler but she had never managed to outright befriend an entire village at once (which just went to show that Nightmare Night was a much better holiday than the Summer Sun Celebration).

"Are you here to pick up some mail?", the mailpony offered. "You know, I'd expect you to be at the Canterlot post office instead, to pick up all those high society letters you must get."

Luna looked at him as if he had just asked her to lick a cactus. "Are you daft? Why would we want to read those?"

Suppressing the urge to laugh at Luna's reaction and the mailpony's resulting utter confusion, Celestia decided to clear things up. "We've already had our share of high-society letters for today. In fact, that is precisely why we are here."

She gracefully walked to the door. "But first there is one thing we have to take care of." She carefully positioned herself a few steps away from the door. "Five, four, three, two, one–"

The door slammed open, a panting and clearly almost panicking Twilight Sparkle inside. "Princess! *pant* I came as fast as I could! *pant* Is it because of my last letter? Please don't send me to the South Pole!"

Seeing Twilight Sparkle overreact was funnier than it had any right to. It was a testament to the Princesses' willpower that they didn't start giggling at this demonstration of how quickly a surprised Twilight Sparkle could come up with wildly implausible worst-case scenarios. Intentional or not, that mare was comedy gold.

Celestia gave her prized pupil a warm smile, serenity herself as she spoke. "How do you keep coming up with these things? Of course I won't send you to the South Pole." No, the punishment for that letter would be far more subtle and amusing. "Your letter isn't the reason why we're here."

It was obvious that Twilight Sparkle only now noticed Luna who masked the smile on her face by taking a long sip. Despite the awkwardness of having overlooked a princess, one could practically see a mountain of tension melt off Twilight's shoulders.

Celestia put on her "not amused" face and looked at the mailponies, a less warm tone in her voice. "No, it's all the other letters that brought us to Ponyville."

As expected, the mailponies' resolve immediately faltered. The one in charge fell to his knees. "We're sorry! We swear, we're doing our very best!"

That wasn't quite the response Celestia expected. In fact, she had no idea what that stallion was talking about. She gave him an inquisitive look.

"We will make sure that Derpy takes the right bags with her!"

She gave him a puzzled look.

"We will buy a street map first thing tomorrow!"

She gave him a bewildered look.

"We will even start asking the neighbors when we're in doubt!"

Celestia raised a hoof to silence him. "I... have no idea what you're talking about."

The mailpony looked just as confused as the princesses were. "You're not here because we keep delivering mail to the wrong houses?"

Luna answered the question. "No, but we would appreciate it if you did as you just said."

"The reason why we're here," Celestia continued, "is this." She summoned the unwanted friendship reports and smacked them on the counter.

Twilight Sparkle took a look at the letters. "You're here because of the burning moat?"

Celestia gave her student a look that Twilight Sparkle knew all too well – it meant "You're close, but try again".

The lavender librarian looked over the letters once more. "Wait a second. Those are all friendship reports! But I don't see the problem with this..."

"Read the one from Trixie," Celestia said.

Luna added: "Or the one from Jet Set. I dare you."

Twilight did as she was told. "Oh my." Her eyes grew wider as she continued reading, ready to pop out of her head by the time she finished Jet Set's report. "That's... That's horrible! I mean, I thought Trixie was bad but... wow."

Luna took the unwelcome correspondence from Twilight and waved it around like a weapon. "Does anypony else wish to partake in this letter or do you believe us that a problem is at hoof?"

The mailponies looked at Twilight. Twilight shook her head. They did as she did. The princesses commented this by smiling and sipping their cocoa in unison.

"Now that everything is clear," Celestia announced, "I believe that you can help us, my student."

Twilight was ready. "You can count on me, princess." She gave the princess a sly grin. "You want me to help you prank Jet Set, right?"

That was not what Celestia wanted and she did her best to hide her surprise. Honestly, she kind of should have expected that answer. Luckily, her sister was there to save her.

"Oh no," Luna said, "I already intend to publicly shame him come morning. You and your friends are cordially invited."

Twilight Sparkle was obviously confused. What besides a prank could the princess want her to help with? "Do you want Spike to set it on fire? But that might just return it to you..."

Again with the unexpected ideas. Celestia managed to turn the grin that tried to invade her face into a gentle smile but didn't manage to answer before Twilight had yet another idea.

"Do you want me to fetch Pinkie? She could turn this letter into some very offensive confetti."

Celestia tried to bury her face in her mug. She wanted to tell Twilight that she was wrong but Twilight's suggestions were a) rather tempting and b) very amusing. The only thing between the grin she no longer tried to fight and the rest of the world was a ceramic bubble filled with a dwindling supply of delicious brown liquid.

Her student guessed that confetti wasn't the answer, either. "I don't think that hitting it with the Elements of Harmony will work but we could give it a try–"

Twilight was interrupted by a loud snort and a spray of cocoa coming out of Celestia's mug.

"Is– is everything alright, princess?" The lavender mare tried to walk over to Celestia but was stopped when a mirthful Luna positioned herself in front of her convulsing sister.

"It is, young Twilight, but please abstain from making any more amusing suggestions until my sister has had time to regain her composure."

As always when she was especially funny, Twilight Sparkle was entirely unaware of it. "Amusing?"

Luna nodded. "They were hilarious." Her voice was not one iota different from usual despite the fact that she was still smiling.

Damn that Luna and her superior self-control! Celestia got the last giggles out of her system, magically cleaned up her cocoa-splattered face and assumed a more princessly stance, ready to pretend that the last few seconds never happened.

"My dear student," she said with every bit of grace she could muster right now, "your imagination never ceases to amaze me. And as much as I would like to do everything you just said, I was thinking of a solution to the bigger problem."

"What bigger problem, princess?" Twilight was smart enough not to offer "the Canterlot high society" as a suggestion.

Luna answered. "The bigger problem is the fact that in less than two days we received a dozen friendship reports we never asked for from three different towns. One even referred to friendship reports as a "trend" as if we were mere fashion items. If this is allowed to continue Canterlot might drown in a flood of badly-written friendship reports." She didn't mention that one reason for her not liking it was that it would cut into her precious, relatively copious spare time.

"And I think that the ones with the wood chipper and the burning moat would be among the better ones," Celestia added.

Twilight was still puzzled as to how she could help but refrained from making any further suggestions. "How can I help you, then?"

Having fully recovered from Twilight's accidental onslaught of comedy, Celestia gave her student a smile. "Please have your friends round up everypony in Ponyville. We have an announcement to make."

It didn't take long to assemble the Ponyvillians. Word traveled fast in Ponyville, especially if it was Princess Celestia's word. Despite the lack of time (and the fact that she was asked not to) Rarity had managed to put up various decorations around the town square and the only thing keeping Pinkie Pie from opening an all-you-can-eat cake buffet was a warning from Mr. and Mrs. Cake that she'd have to pay for the cakes herself.

Everypony was curious, especially because the exact reason for the proclamation hadn't been announced. Apparently it was something about mail and the post office wasn't involved, which made it twice as mysterious. Everypony asked the mayor who didn't know anything. The mayor asked Twilight's friends who didn't know anything either. Twilight's friends asked Twilight who didn't say anything. Twilight asked herself what the princesses were planning. She hadn't entirely ruled out the possibility that it was all part of a big practical joke yet.

The anticipation was palpable when finally the princesses stepped out of the post office. A wave of bows spread out from the post office door like a key scene in a very expensive movie. The only thing missing was a mandrill holding a lion cub.

"FAIR CITIZENS OF PONYVILLE, HEAR US OUT." Luna opened the proclamation with her best royal Canterlot voice. She didn't get to use it a lot these days, which bugged her. She liked the royal Canterlot voice.

Celestia winced slightly at Luna's eruption of sound. Back when the royal Canterlot voice was still regularly used the princesses used to constantly maintain noise dampening spells to protect themselves - at the cost of barely understanding what normal ponies said. The court etiquette of that time was largely colored by the princesses pretending to be aloof and uninterested because they didn't want to appear hearing-impaired. Of course these days neither the faked disinterest nor the royal Canterlot voice were commonplace (useless socialites notwithstanding) and Celestia had to learn the hard way just how amazingly loud Luna could be when she wanted to.

Giving the closest ponies a few seconds to regain their hearing, Celestia lifted her own voice – her natural voice that is. "My little ponies, it's always a pleasure to be with you. I really don't get out of the castle enough. Still, we have something important to talk about."

She lifted the stack of friendship reports up with her magic. "When Twilight Sparkle came to Ponyville I gave her the mission to send me a report whenever she'd learn something about the magic of friendship. She has done so very diligently." The look she shot at Twilight reminded the young mare that she had not forgotten about a certain exception. "Later I extended this mission to her friends, as well."

She shifted to a sterner look. "I did not give this mission to the rest of Ponyville. While we are touched that you want to join in on this it is not necessary. This is about Twilight and her friends, not about friendship."

Luna butted in. "We are aware of how friendship works, journeys to the moon notwithstanding."

Celestia was too far into official business mode to let Luna's comment distract her. "The letters you have sent us are a fascinating window into your lives and we would love to read them all but unfortunately our time is limited. If we spent all day reading friendship reports we wouldn't have time to deal with things like the tax code."

That didn't seem to be a convincing argument.

"And then you'd have to."

That was.

Luna had something to add. "Besides, by sending us friendship reports you encourage the Canterlot high society to do the same. Trust us when we say that what they think about friendship they'd best keep to themselves."

Celestia gave her a sideways glance. "You know, they're not all like Jet Set."

"Jet Set sent you a friendship report?!" An aghast Rarity shouted from the crowd.

"Yes, and I will reply to it it appropriately come morning. But now you see why we had to take this measure. The friendship reports are already coming in from three different towns and even ponies like Jet Set have joined in."

Celestia took over again. "And that is why we have to solve it like this. Spike, take a note, please." She waited until the dragon had produced a parchment and quill from... somewhere. When unicorns produced items from nowhere that was just a relatively simple and very common spell. When Spike did it it was inexplicable.

She set those thoughts aside for the moment. Business called. "We, Princess Celestia and Princess Luna, hereby decree that nopony we did not ask to do so shall send us any further friendship reports. We only wish to receive friendship reports from Twilight Sparkle, Fluttershy, Applejack, Rarity, Rainbow Dash and Pinkamena Diane Pie."

Celestia felt a gentle nudge from Luna, accompanied by a whispered "first row". Like usually when she made a decree or anything similarly official she had closed her eyes. Opening them again she saw what Luna meant: A young Earth Pony that had to be Apple Bloom wearing one of the biggest expressions of "did I do something wrong?" Celestia had ever seen.

She gave Apple Bloom a warm smile. "...and Apple Bloom. And her friends Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo, as well." She whispered to her sister: "Those should make for interesting reads." Luna flashed a smile back.

As it became obvious that the decree was finished Derpy took off from the crowd (See? I told you she'd show up.), dashed into the post office, returned with a bag of mail, dumped it into a trash can and kicked it into Carrot Top's burning moat, which elicited a somewhat confused cheer from the other Ponyvillians.

Luna approached her. "Were all those letters friendship reports?" We came just in time, she thought.

The mailmare gave her a big, innocent grin. "The world may never know!"

Luna decided not to investigate any further. Meanwhile, Twilight Sparkle and her friends were approaching her sister.

Twilight had a question. "Do you think this will settle things, princess?"

"Oh, just give it a day until everypony knows about it. I think we will get another dozen friendship reports before everypony will have learned not to send any more."

At the mention of the word "learn" habit overcame Twilight. "Today we all learned that although sharing what you have learned can be fun–"

Princess Celestia's gaze had the cool intensity of a civilization-ending ice age.

"–I really shouldn't finish that sentence." Twilight gave the Princess a sheepish grin.

"You have learned so much, my faithful student."