The Tale of The Stone-turner

by treg388

Rating: mature
Tags: Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Comedy, Adventure, Human, Main 6
Length: 58630

A strange being has begun petrifying Equestria and the EoH seem to have no effect on it.

Made mature so my dumb ass won't have to worry about anything I decide to throw in being age appropriate.

Anyways, description.

A human (yes it's one of those hie, bite me) has stumbled into the land of Equestria but everywhere he goes he accidentally petrifies the local populace. Will this being be able to escape the same fate he has placed upon so many others once the Elements of Harmony are unleashed upon him?

Cover Image courtesy of my brother, Dax388.

Published 2012-02-04 09:23:28 UTC
Last updated 2012-11-10 11:47:53 UTC

The march of shame

Twenty minutes was all I was allowed before the end of the rope Applejack had been dragging me by was magically forced into my mouth to muffle the song of unending misery. I sat there cross legged, tied up, gagged, and pouting while Pinkie sat next to me still doing her duty. Applejack had gotten Pinkie to stop singing at the same time I was gagged with threats of tying her up right along side me.

After some time passed, the white one, Rarity, had gotten up and started moving towards us. It must have been time for the shift change. It was also time for the second step of my psychological assault, assuming I could get things to go as I planned.

“M mhp mhhhp mhhs” She gave me a quizzical look before the rope removed itself from my mouth.

“If I take this out do you promise to not sing any more of those horrid songs?” I nodded once.

“Yes mam” This seemed to be enough to convince her as she continued to walk up to Pinkie's position next to me.

“Well Pinkie it's time for us to change shifts, I do hope you'll be able to sleep comfortably for the rest of the night.” For some reason this seemed more like a plea then a wish goodnight.

“Okey dokey lokey” She had just got up on her hooves when my addition to the conversation made her stop.

“Aww, but I like Pinkie she's the fun one.” This earned me a nice big grin and I could tell the time to make them doubt both their own abilities to contain me and my 'wickedness' was fast approaching. Twilight spoke next, I guess she couldn't fall asleep, no idea who could have caused that.

“Why exactly have you been acting so cheery and nice even though you've petrified half of Equestria and been taken prisoner?” Showtime! Hooking my fingers into the knot on my bindings I pulled it apart, causing the ropes to fall in a neat circle around me, and in one smooth movement hooked my left arm under Pinkies chest between her forelegs, gladly finding out she was as light as she looked or this would have been a lot dumber than it already was, and hefted her into my lap. Placing my right hand on her mane I began to stroke her as an evil villain would a cat.

“I just can't help it if all you ponies are so amazingly adorable.” Apparently the other ponies had not been able to sleep either as I now had five looks that were a cross between surprise and fear as well as one contented hum, the hum was a little off putting but I rolled with it. Letting my teeth into the grin just a bit I moved my arms and hands away from the pink one so she could happily bounce back over to the others.

“How did- why would- WHA?” I might have broken Rainbow Dash. “What in the hay was that!?”

“I got tired of the ropes so I took them off.”

“So you mean to tell me you could have taken the ropes off at any time?” Oh my, Twilight you just gave me an opportunity to quote a cartoon rabbit, I shall forever be in your debt.

“No, not at any time” I wagged my finger as I said it “only when it was funny.” I sat up a bit straighter and felt my heart crack as I noticed the yellow pegasus, Fluttershy, the poor little thing looked so traumatized by the simple act of me freeing myself I thought she would just sink underneath all her hair and become nothing more than a pile of mane. “I suppose though I should just hold still and let you rebind me without struggle shouldn't I?”

“That's right, unless you want me to knock you out again!” Oh rainbow pony, you wound me so.

Placing the back of my wrists upon my hips and locking my elbows out away from me slightly I allow the ponies to wrap me up once again, silently I hoped my next plan to amuse myself would not be discovered. After four additional ropes and a length of chain with a padlock, which I have no idea as to where it originated, they were satisfied with how well I was imprisoned and they each went to their respective beds, save the one who would watch me next, and fell asleep. I laid back myself and decided I would rather torment my captors in the daylight when my mind was capable of producing worthwhile ideas, so I slept.

And here I thought I would get to have fun today, nope! As soon as they finished poking at me until I woke up I was gagged again and we just started marching. I grumbled as I trudged on amidst the ponies, the taste of the rope was getting old and my elbows were starting to complain about how I kept them locked away from my body. Some kind of strict no chit-chat rule had to have been implemented while I was asleep because we went the nearly the full day without any sounds other than the occasional 'watch for that rock' or a pegasus warning of some animal nearby.

When we broke free of the forest it was sometime after noon but before five, if the amount of light still present was trustworthy. No it didn't get any less dense towards the end of it, it was just solid rows of trees then boom, a big old field. I blinked my eyes a few times at the sudden increase in sunlight before they widened at the sight before me. Across the field was a great mountain, hanging off the side of the mountain was a great palace complete with tall towers and flying banners. On the front side of the mountain sat by far the largest pony city I had seen yet and, since it was the place where their princesses lived, probably the largest of all of them. I got worried, I wasn't worried because I was soon to be judged by the supreme law of this land. I wasn't worried that I would have to parade through this large pony city to be brought before this law. I wasn't even worried about Rainbow Dash knocking me out again if I did anything suspicious, which she felt the need to remind me of every so often. What DID worry me was that the palace looked like it was just hot glued to the the mountain! Seriously one pony too many on the edge of that place and the whole thing might just peel off and crumple to the ground! What were these crazy ponies thinking!?

“There's Canterlot.” I looked towards Twilight. “Come on everypony if we pick up the pace just a little bit we can make it there with at least two hours of daylight left.” Oh I hope that Palace doesn't decide to fall while I'm here, I really don't need blamed for that. We jogged, well I jogged the ponies performed a light trot, across the field as Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy flew ahead to warn the guards that the current terror at large was being brought as a prisoner. I shouldn't like that they have to warn the guards I'm coming, but it makes me feel so damn special.

It took fifteen minutes to cross that field, I was not expecting that. Of course I thought the field was much smaller than it actually was because I did not realize just how gigantic the gate was. The doors were easily twenty feet tall if not thirty, there is no way ponies open and close that regularly. It was probably just closed because I was out running amok, yes that must be it. As we got closer to the gate I noticed a guard on either side of it, one a pegasus the other a unicorn and both looking nervous, they must have seen me. We stop briefly in front of the gate for Twilight to whisper with the guards, I know it's about me, what other news could there be? After their brief exchange the pegasus guard takes off towards the palace and the unicorn's horn begins glowing a light crimson as the giant doors slide apart.

On the opposite side of the great gate stood Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash who fell into step along side the rest of my escorts as we began our way towards that stupidly placed palace. While walking, I began to get unnerved at how deathly silent the city was. There was not a pony in sight save the occasional guard and the ones who had bound and gagged me. I knew what a silent city was and I had made cities silent what with my whole stone-turning thing, but to be in a city you know is full of life and for it all to come to a stand still out of fear... I didn't feel like wearing my stupid grin.

As we moved thru the depressingly silent city, we eventually came upon another gate, this gate was not as large as the first but it was much more ornate, it's purpose clearly being to simply set at line at where city limits ended and palace grounds began. An exchange took place very similar to the one at the first gate, Twilight spoke with the guards, a pegasus flew off to the palace, and a unicorn opened the gates up. What lay on the other side of the gate however was vastly different.

I could talk of the beautiful gardens, the majestic cliffs, or the wonderful flowing waters. I had trouble seeing any of that past the sea of armor and manes. There didn't seem to be any end to the number of guards waiting past the gate. Each guard stood still as the grave until the gate was fully open, then each guard turned and looked straight at me. This is what made it finally hit me, I was very probably going to die very soon and all I could do is just march along and hope the royalty I was brought before would be merciful.

I made myself a little smaller as we walked the path between the seas of guards, I could feel all of them glaring at me. Making it into the palace itself without incident, I had some hopes that I wouldn't have to feel as many eyes on me indoors. The walls were lined with guards, sure there were tapestries and large decorative pillars, chandeliers and stained glass windows, but I had to take note of them after I finished being intimidated by all these new eyes that focused on me. We proceeded onwards following between the lines of guards down various corridors and hallways until we came to two large doors. This must be where my judgment would take place. I lowered my head trying to mentally prepare myself for whatever would be past these doors when the length of rope used to gag me was covered in a purple glow and pulled out of my mouth, I spat out several fibers and ignored any in my teeth.

“For your own good I would suggest you not run that mouth of yours unless the princess asks you a question.” I nodded to the purple unicorn but otherwise kept my head downwards trying to come up with any way out of this that wouldn't end up in my death or a pulse. The doors began to open and a guard informed me it was 'time to get my sorry ass in there' . Keeping my eyes trained on the red carpeting, I moved forward until I was told that I had walked far enough. I slowly raised my head up to face my judge and what I saw stunned me enough to make me forget about keeping my elbows out, so naturally my arms straightened. Of course this meant that at the same time my jaw dropped, so did the now too loose ropes and chain that had been wrapped around me...

What to do with the Stone-turner

The creature before me was beautiful. This was as to ponies as the ponies were to Earth's horses. It stood a little over my height of six feet, with a long thin horn about a foot and a half long and great white wings that would cause most swans to hide in shame of their own inadequacy. Its coat was a pure white to match the wings while its tail and mane looked as though an aurora simply flowed out from it. The last thing I had time to take in during the half second between my bindings falling and every guard in the room dog piling me was the purple eyes.

I was in pain. Not enough to pulse, yet but it was damn near close. The intense pressure from the sheer number of ponies on top of me was enough to make my vision begin turning a brilliant blood red starting from the center and spreading outwards. Of course, I panicked. Which did nothing to help the situation, causing me to struggle. All the guards on top of me began struggling to pin me properly, which caused a couple injuries and made my vision become red more quickly. I clenched my eyes shut, ignored any pain I could, and screamed.

“GET THE FUCK OFF OR YOU WILL ALL BECOME STATUES!” It wasn't a threat, it was far too desperate to be a threat.

The struggling stopped but none of them made any move to get off me, that's when I heard a melodic voice that made me think of silk running against itself.

“Please remove yourselves from him, I don't think my royal guards would do quite as fine a job as decorations.”

These guys were trained well, as fast as they had piled me they had all lined back up around the room. Panting I rose back to my feet, my vision just barely having color other than red in the corners of it. That came pretty damn close to pulsing the royal palace. Looking to the Alicorn I nodded, still breathing heavily as the red faded from my vision.

“Thank you.” The large pony seemed indifferent towards me.

“Think nothing of it, now I must ask why you have been turning my citizens to stone and why my little ponies would elect to bring you prisoner rather than use The Elements of Harmony on you.” They didn't send message that The Elements didn't work? Must not have wanted to make a panic or something, because marching the one turning half the land into impressively realistic lawn ornaments thru the capital wouldn't do that.

“That's the news I told the guard I had to give you myself princess” Twilight had begun to speak. “We did use The Elements of Harmony, they didn't seem to affect him at all.” If there was surprise on the alicorn's face she was too good at poker for me.

“Oh?”

“Yea, he just walked on out of the magic like it was a cool shower.”

“So I kicked him right in the head and knocked him out!”

“And then we took him prisoner and went camping! And sang a song! It was fun it went, 'Thi-” Pinkie was silenced by a mouth full of marshmallow hoof and it's owner finished the explanation.

“The short version is that we took him prisoner and brought him here to you so you could decide how to approach this matter and determine why The Elements failed.”

The princess stepped towards me, her eyes grew focused as she spoke “You know last evening, I began receiving reports that ponies who had been petrified were returning to normal with no memory of ever having been turned to stone.” My eyes widened.

“Are.. Are they all alright?”

“As far as we could tell there were no adverse effects of having been stone other than the memory loss, if that is what you mean.” I felt like hundreds of stone ponies just left my shoulders. “So now I have to ask you directly, since it appears you had no knowledge of it's reversal, how much control do you have over this petrification power?” All I could do was look down, the weight of the past months had already started coming back to my shoulders. “You have no control over it at all do you?” I bit my lip as I slowly shook my head, my voice coming out shaky.

“It... It just happens when... whenever I'm in extreme pain but don't pass out.”

“WHAT!?” That was Twilight. “You mean this all could have been avoided if somepony had just captured him without roughing him up!?”

“Or just knocked him out immediately” And that was Rainbow Dash. The white alicorn leaned closer to me and spoke softly.

“Now it is clear that The Elements of Harmony did not fail, but simply chose not to punish you for actions beyond your control, however that does not mean we can just let you roam freely and allow this incident repeats itself. So I would ask that you agree to be kept in the palace under house arrest for the night whilst I speak with my sister on a way to handle your.. unique situation.” It was evident I had no choice in the matter, but it was still nice of her to pretend I did. I nodded. “Thank you, guards would you please escort....”

“Stone-turner.” Still liked that name.

“...Stone to an appropriate guest suite and ensure he receives dinner later.” She didn't use the full name, upsetting, but I guess stone is an acceptable nickname. As I was walked out of the chamber by two of the guards I heard the princess begin to speak with the ponies who had brought me here, but didn't really catch any of the conversation.

That princess has to be a tyrant and only acting nice. No just and loving ruler would dare put a guest suite at the top of a tower this high with stairs as the only means up. Gasping for breath I dragged myself on all fours up the next step, it had to be at least my thousandth one and the sun had started to set as we climbed. The guards seemed amused at the sight of me but barely even phased by the amount of climbing we had done.

“Whatever she pays you boys, it isn't enough. Look at you, climbing all these steps in full armor and barely even looking worse for wear. I hate you both.” This got a slight chuckle from each of my escorts, but otherwise they remained none too chatty. That's the boring kind of professionalism, I don't like it. After at least a hundred more agonizing steps we came to a single red door.

“This is where you will be staying while under house arrest. The door will be locked once you are inside. Dinner will be brought up for you in a couple of hours.” With that they opened the door for me, waited until I had dragged myself inside, then immediately slammed it shut and locked it.... Rude.

Stumbling around in the dim light and cursing all those stairs I managed to find a complementary box of matches on a dresser and lanterns mounted along the walls. Putting two and two together I lit the lanterns so I could get a good look at my my 'cell'. The HORROR. The first thing I had spotted was a mirror, and I regretted it immensely. Maybe my looks had been turning the ponies to stone this whole time. As I moved closer and found that the mirror wouldn't crack from the strain of bearing my image I began to take a deeper look at myself. My hair has lengthened and stuck out in random patches, bits of debris strewn thru it. My chin had grown a mighty and unkempt beard while my face in general had mud and dirt covering large portions of it. Overall I gave the impression of being half lion and half ugly. No wonder I scared so many ponies. Looking down at the rest of me I took stock of my situation. My shirt was in shreds and my shorts were no better, my backpack was lost long ago, and my shoes were barely holding themselves together. Moving to examine my arms and legs I found them to be riddled with cuts, scrapes, and minor bruises.

Voicing my disgust for myself I looked back at the room to actually take in what it was. It had simple light colors for the walls with two doors aside from the main one and some kind of tile for the floor. There was a large plush bed and a dresser. Apart from the two pieces of furniture and the full length mirror the room was essentially empty space. Pulling open one of the doors I find an empty closet. Seeing no reason to bother with the closet I close the door and go to open the other one. Beyond this door was a tidy little bathroom very much like one I would find back home. It had a medicine cabinet mirror, a sink with storage space under it, a toilet, and a bathtub/shower setup. Looking behind the mirror I find some soaps and shampoos, while under the sink was fluffy towels and a large rubber apparatus with a pair of shears coming out of it and a pump attached. I recognized this device from a magazine I had stolen in town number.... seven I think it was. It was suppose to be 'The absolute latest and greatest technological innovation for keeping those fetlocks trim and tidy for your lucky mare or stallion!'

After prying the shears out of the device and washing them I set about trimming back my hair and beard. Once I had my hairy situation under control I used the bathroom to take care of all of my bodily functions, ALL of them, it'd been a while since I actually had time I could devout to myself, OK!? And once I had finished taking care of... That, I made a decision that would surely make the lives of every pony in a five mile radius slightly better. I stripped down and took a shower! It feels amazing to take a warm shower after months of being deprived that luxury. I might have dissolved in the water if I hadn't decided eight lathers was enough for one head of hair. Once squeaky clean and toweled off I defeated all purpose the shower had and threw my dirty clothes right back on. I know it's disgusting, but I had no other clothes and I would be damned if any pony was going to see Little Stone-turner in all his glory.

Going back to the main room of my 'prison' I fell back onto the bed and stared at the ceiling for all eternity minus the time between then and the knock at the door. I let out a grunt of acknowledgment and the door opened to reveal a guard pony pushing in a trolley covered with metal domes, how he got that trolley up those stairs is a puzzle that would haunt my dreams from that day onwards.

“Yer dinner's here. Nopony knew what you actually eat so there's a little of everything, enjoy yourself and try not to break out and go on a rampage.” Chuckling a little to himself the guard left and relocked the door. I like that guard, he's a little less uptight.

After carefully ensuring I only ate things I knew were fruit or vegetable, I had learned the hard way in town two that many pony foods included hay and flowers as ingredients, I blew out the lanterns and immediately smashed my shin into the metal trolley. I didn't pulse, but it hurt like fucking hell. Not quite believing I managed to hit the only damn thing in the entire room I climbed into bed and swiftly fell into a deep slumber.

The decision to be made.

There was the sound of knocking. No. More knocking. Fuck off. Louder knocking. Let me sleep. Another set of knocks. I popped open one eye and glared at the door, daring it to repeat its offensive behavior. After several tense seconds I let my eye close itself and began to drift back off. This set of knocking sounded more like the door was to be broken down. I yelled, I didn't even bother to use words, I just let a loud sound of displeasure come from my throat.

“Are you certain about this?” A voice came from the other side of the door. “It sounds like some sort of wild beast.”

“As do you some evenings when you are woken early.” I could recognize one voice as that princess from yesterday, despite my morning grogginess. What was her name again, Ceiling tile... no... Celestia? Yea, I think that's it.

“One could put it that way I suppose.” Now who was this other voice? “Might we enter Stone-turner?!” Oh that question was for me. I grumbled something out that could loosely be translated into a confirmation. I then hissed at the light that came in as the door opened and quickly hid my face under a pillow, I was not ready for the day.
I could hear the sound of hooves on tile as they approached the bed.

“Come now it is time for us to discuss your situation.”

“No, I'm still tired.”

“Well I am sorry for that but my sister has nocturnal duties so we must take care of this now so that she may sleep.”

“Don't wanna.” I could hear a sigh despite my pillow shield.

“I believe I know how to rouse him sister.”

“You are welcome to try, Luna” Come on 'Luna', show me what you've got.

“ARISE FROM THY SLUMBER BEAST!” Oh great googly moogly! The sheer force of her voice ripped the pillow and sheets from over me and threw them against the wall, frankly I was surprised my clothes stayed on me.

“Alright, wide awake now! Please don't do that again.” I looked down in fear at the one responsible for the voice that could be heard from space. It was also an alicorn and it was smirking. It was slightly shorter than the first with it's horn and wings of proportional size. But its color scheme, it looked as if someone had just taken a chunk out of the night sky and with a 'This will do' wrapped it around a pony shape. Looking her over I found myself dumbfounded at her mane, it... it had little stars in it. I don't mean it had little plastic stars or glitter sprinkled in it, I mean there were actual tiny twinkling stars all in her mane. They were even in her tail! My mind was baffled at the implications of this, did tiny solar systems and civilizations live in her mane as well? If she washed her hair would all the stars go out? Do they supernova? I slowly sat up in the bed and began to unintentionally tilt my head as I studied her mane.

“Wha.. what is it?” For whatever reason this seemed to unnerve her. “What dost th.. What do you want?”

“Your hair......”

“Thou wishes for mine hair!?”

“No..... How.... Is it doing that.... With all the little stars?” Off to the side Celestia was looking somewhat amused.

“Oh, you wish to know why the sky appears in our mane?” I nodded. Luna seemed pleased with my curiosity and began to explain. “Crafting the sky each night is.. difficult. There are many variables to keep track of, where each star is to go, what the phase the moon is to be in, how long the moon is to take to cross the sky. It gets overwhelming to remember all of these things night after night. So in order to make our task more manageable we weave a spell into our mane when the night is at its longest to record how everything is to be set up for the next night. Of course this spell is limited to only one years worth of time so we must reweave it annually. But it is the magic of this spell that gives our mane and tail the appearance of our night. Does this completely satisfy your question?” I nodded and then turned my gaze towards Celestia but get cut off before I can ask.

“Yes, I use my mane in the same way, but to keep track of when to move the sun closer or farther for the change of seasons and how far to move it. But I believe we are getting off track now, we did originally come to ask questions of you before we made our decision.” I gulped and sat a little straighter.

“OK then, ask away...”

The amount of questions I had to answer was staggering, and more than half of them I didn't even see the purpose for other than curiosities sake. After two hours they seemed satisfied, and I really hoped they were since they now knew everything short of my cup size. Then they had one last question.

“Would you like anything for breakfast?” Blinking once or twice I realized how hungry I actually was.

“Yes please, may I ask what is available to eat?” I had been trying to behave myself for the princesses, what with my fate in their hooves and all. Celestia chuckled slightly.

“I believe it would be easier to tell us what you're in the mood for than for us to list the entire stock of the kitchens.” Good point.

“Well since I don't think you'll have bacon on supply how about-” Luna cut me off.

“Oh but we have most marvelous hay bacon in our pantries!”

“Um, that isn't what I actually meant...”

“Then what is it that you meant?”

“Well.... fried pig flesh...”

“THOU ART CARNIVOROUS!?” Celestia decided to speak up at this point.

“Now sister I don't think he can help it if he has to eat meat.” she then turned to me. “But I'm afraid we won't be able to give you a proper breakfast if that is the case.”

“Oh I don't have to eat meat, I can survive off fruits and veggies if I must. But anything with flowers or hay is right out of the question.”

“Very well, we will return in the evening after we've fully taken into consideration all the information you've given us. So please have a good day and enjoy your meal when it arrives” With that both princesses walked out of the door, a blue magic closing and locking it behind them.

“Damn, I should have asked for a side of something to do with my breakfast. Now I'm gonna be bored.” Falling back onto the bed I sighed and waited for my meal to arrive.

Time passed far too slowly, but it always does when you're bored. Eventually, however, a guard did arrive with my breakfast on a trolley, still not one damn clue as to how he got it up the stairs, and took away the evil shin destroyer from the previous night.

After very slowly and methodically eating my meal, a mixture of various fried fruits and veggies which was surprisingly good despite its lack of the best food group, I became bored again, rapidly. The boredom was not something I enjoyed in the least and soon I found myself pacing back and forth and back and forth and so on trying desperately to come up with something I could do to amuse myself. It was then I got an idea.

I ran into the bathroom and began to tear through the medicine cabinet, I thought I saw some next to the horn polish. With an exclamation of success I strolled out of the bathroom my stupid grin nice and wide and a dispenser of dental floss in my hand. Time to start rearranging the furniture.

It was after much time and one confused guard changing out my food trolley that what I assumed to be my evening visit arrived with a knock.

“Come iiiinnn~” I sang the last part a little.

Peeking over a blanket I watched the two princesses trot in, both looked a little amused. That's good, fate deciding usually goes well when the deciders are amused.

“Well, I see you found a way to entertain yourself, although I believe the next time I host such a guest I shall ask the guards to bring them a book.” Luna just grinned at what I had done while Celestia spoke.

I had made a fort. A nice one too if I do say so myself. After moving the dresser and the mirror closer to the bed I had run the dental floss from each one to form a triangle. Then using all the pillows I had at my disposal for flooring I strung up every towel and blanket to make the walls. It had no ceiling and it was very mismatched, but it amused me and that was my goal.

“So then, you've figured out what to do with me?” Celestia nodded.

“We have, but perhaps this will go easier if we are not.. obstructed.” She motioned to my front fort will. I quickly untied that line of dental floss to take it down and returned to sitting cross legged on my pillow floor. “Thank you, now we have decided to give you two options.” Both of the alicorns moved in closer and laid down before me. “Since you are unable to control this petrification you may choose to be banished to a land outside of Equestria, we know of a few where food would be readily available but you would have to ensure your own survival as well as remain in isolation.” I didn't like this option at all, isolation is not something I cope with well if this past few months had taught me anything.

“And my other option?”

“If this petrifying power is truly a subconscious act, we may be able to alter it and tie it into your waking mind.”

“So then I would be able to control whether or not I turned something to stone?” I liked this idea a bit more. Luna then spoke up.

“It is not quite that simple, you would have learn to wield it properly and if this ability is in fact linked to the experience of pain the process of granting you control would be.... Unpleasant, to say the very least.” Let's see, isolation for the rest of my life, or the ability to control gorgon-like powers. On the one hand, I would spend the rest of all my days alone and bored. On the other, Medusa powers. Damn, I thought this decision would be harder.

“I think I'll go with option number two.” Celestia then looked at me firmly.

“Are you absolutely sure you've considered all the ramifications? This is not a decision to be made lightly or in jest, it will affect the rest of your life.” I nodded.

“Exile isn't even an option for me, I would go insane.... Well, even more insane than I may have become in these past months, if I were just left to my own devices with nothing to talk with.”

“Very well then, lay yourself on the bed and we may begin.” I climbed onto the barren mattress, which wasn't so much a mattress as a giant pillow in a frame, and laid straight.

“Alright then! Let's get me some self control!” If I understood then what Luna meant by unpleasant I might not have been so eager... But I would have probably still made the same decision.

Power contained

I was screaming. The process had begun simple enough, after placing myself on the bed Celestia talked of each step she was performing. She magically began to work with my mind, not touching anything already in place but forging new connections and feelings that would link into and manage my power. Apparently if I became skilled enough at using it I would even be able to turn plants and objects to stone, that's kinda neat I guess. I didn't feel the least bit comfortable with how she had to do it but she assured me she would not be reading any of my memories or tampering with who I was and I really had no other choice than to trust her on that.

Then Luna began her part of this operation. She would use her magic to restrain me and my petrification power and then draw it out to the full extent so that she could work with it and form the bonds that would link with Celestia's work in my waking mind. I did not realize that this was what she meant when she said it being linked with pain would make it unpleasant.

It started at first as a slight tingle itching at me, then it rapidly began to grow in discomfort until I felt as though my bones had set themselves ablaze and my skin would rip itself off my body. I had begun screaming in agony within the first five minutes of Luna's phase. She did not let my screams of pain break her concentration, but I could feel the sympathy from her and Celestia. Sympathy does not block out pain however. My body tried to spasm free and throw itself away from the alicorns, but magic held me firmly in place. My vision had been completely red since just before my screaming began and I could feel pulse after pulse try to force its way out but get stopped just at my skin. I felt like the entirety of the world itself was trying to rip me apart. I screamed loudly and unable to even try and hold it in I kept screaming until my voice had broken and nothing more than a pained hollowness and tears could leave my body. Yet still the pain was there. I felt like eternity had passed by me twice when I began the uncontrollable laughter. I knew there was nothing funny about any of this, that the pain was necessary and yet I couldn't stop it. I laughed with my shattered voice like some kind of broken hyena. And I kept laughing until after hours of intense pain it all just stopped and I felt nothing at all. Surprised at the sudden ceasefire of sensory input I tried to lift my head up and found I could look at the alicorns. They both seemed to exhausted and sweat ran down their coats. I began trying to croak out words.

“I- I- Is...... I- It” Celestia stopped me before I could hurt myself speaking.

“Yes, we believe the task has been properly completed, but please lie back and rest yourself now, this has been a taxing procedure for all parties involved and we shall discuss it after all of us have taken some time to regain our strength. I nodded and fell back against the mattress and they made their way out and locked the door. Then I began chuckling to myself as I fell asleep.

When next I awoke I made a discovery. My bladder was in dire need of relief and the rest of me was in equal need of rest. A compromise had to be made. Rolling over I let myself drop onto the floor and pulled my body along to the bathroom. Once in there and after much consideration and planning I decided I would not be able to make the shot from floor to toilet and pulled myself into a stand to complete my task. With a yawn I finished draining the tank, so to speak, and turned to return to the bed when something caught my attention in the cabinet mirror. Returning to face the mirror I started scrutinizing myself, something seemed out of place. Then I noticed it, my eyes had changed. The brown to match my hair had vanished and in its place was a deep blood red with a slight glow, I knew this color, it was the color my vision would fill with whenever I was about to pulse.

After commanding my body to not change anything else without my consent I threw myself back onto the bed just before there was knocking upon the door. I let out a groan and muffled my permission to enter.

“Good morning Stone, I hope you are feeling up to some tests to ensure that your power has been properly dealt with.” I sat right up and looked at the two alicorns entering my room.

“You don't have to.... Go back in there do you?” I motioned towards my head as I spoke.

“No not for these tests, we would only have to repeat the procedure if the changes made did not take hold and you were still a risk to our citizens.” I relaxed a little.

“So how do we test if the changes worked?” As I finished speaking Luna slowly walked towards me, rested her left foreleg on my shoulder, and slowly leaned towards me before bringing her right hoof right across my face and forcing my head to snap to the side. “Ooooooowwwwww!” I didn't see red at all.

“It appears your power no longer responds to pain so our part of the operation was successful.”

“You could have warned me!”

“But then you may have braced yourself to lessen the pain.”

“Still, that fucking hurt!”

“That was the point of it.”

I sat there and grumbled for a second, stupid Luna, that really hurt.

“Well, it seems Luna's enchantment to separate your power from pain worked.” All Celestia got was more grumbles from me. “Perhaps we should see if you can control the use of this power now?” With that she levitated a pillow from the floor and set it in front of me. “Try turning this to stone.”

“Didn't you say it would take practice and skill for me to change plants and objects?”

“Yes, but we can't exactly test your power on a pony now can we?”

“Good point, here goes nothing.” And that is exactly what happened, nothing. I tried glaring, I tried yelling at it, I even tried informing the pillow that its dreams were meaningless and it would never be more than what it was. It still remained fluffy and defiant.

“Maybe it is for the best you cant activate this power, it will make it easier to trust you around my little ponies.” I gave her a hurt look.

“You've been inside my head and you don't trust me?”

“Oh it's not that, I did take a tiny peek at your moral values to ensure I could trust you.” Now I just felt violated. “It's just that you don't seem the type who makes the best decisions.”

“You looked at my memories!”

“No, but when you're as old as I am you get very good at telling these kinds of things.”

“I'll take your word on that, but what now?”

“Now, since we no longer have to worry about you accidentally turning ponies in the palace to stone, how about you come down with us for breakfast?” This got both mine and my stomach's attention.

“Would that cause a panic if anypony saw me?” Celestia gave a slight smirk.

“Rumors spread fast enough it is already common knowledge that you were brought here and kept in this tower.” Damn they work fast. I looked towards Luna as she began speaking.

“And we might have started a rumor that The Elements of Harmony had rehabilitated you rather than done nothing.”

“And they'll just accept that?”

“Probably not. But it should make them feel slightly more at ease and reduce any panicking to a minimum.”

“Oh, well that's good then, I guess.” Luna then turned and began to walk towards the door.

“Come now. Let us go have breakfast so that I may get to sleep before midday.”

Celestia smiled and followed Luna and after I realized I was suppose to be eating breakfast outside this room for a change, I hurried along to catch up.

We walked down the stairs of eternal suffering in relative silence and made our way thru the palace towards, and this is just an assumption regarding where breakfast would be, the dining hall. I turned on the grin of stupidity as we walked and waved to anypony we came across. The guards seemed unimpressed... Or maybe just emotionless, while any other members of staff found excuses to use other hallways. After I had just decided this palace was made of one hallway that would repeat itself until it felt you deserved to be at your destination we walked into the large room where we would be dining.

The room itself was grand, high ceilings, enough space to play any sporting event of your choosing, and plenty chandeliers and candelabras to keep the entire thing lit nice and bright. Looking around from the doorway I noticed the large dining table in the middle was already occupied. And then my grin got nice and wide, for it was occupied with six ponies I had already met, all of whom had their backs to the entrance... Perfect.

Walking ahead of Celestia and Luna I quickly turned to them both and put my fingers over my lips with a gentle 'shh' and began to tip-toe towards the center table. Now the seating order on this table is as follows, Rainbow Dash was seated on the far right end and moving leftwards and ending at the middle of the table was Applejack, Twilight, Pinkie Pie, Rarity, and finally Fluttershy. Two things made it nice and easy to do what was I was about to do, the first was that all of the ponies were either deep in conversation or intently focused on eating, and the other was that instead of chairs ponies had essentially short but wide padded stools. This meant that I was able to stealthily move right up next to Fluttershy and lifting my leg over the stool settle down with as much silence as possible. I turned towards the ponies, rested my elbow on the table then my cheek on my fist, and made my smile as big as I possibly could, letting all of my teeth in on it.

After a few seconds of waiting, Rainbow Dash was the first to notice my presence, her eyes grew to the size of saucer plates as her head slowly turned to face me, mouth open in shock. That reactionary process pretty much jumped from pony to pony in order until Fluttershy was the only one still eating. Slowly the pony seemed to notice something was amiss as she looked up from her plate towards her comrades and then ever so slowly turned to face me, her eyes almost completely filling her face. I then spoke just barely above a whisper.

“Boo.”

A day on the town

She vanished. Seriously, all that was left was a pegasus shaped cloud of white smoke and it confused the fuck out of me. I looked around the room and even up towards the ceiling, there was no Fluttershy to be found. My attention snapped back to the other five ponies as one of them had finally found words with which to speak.

“Now what in tarnation are ya'll doin' here.” I raised an eyebrow at Applejack.

“I came for breakfast.”

“But WHY are you out freely walking around now?” Rainbow Dash did not seemed pleased with me, I couldn't really blame her though.

“Well the princesses went and fixed my little petrification problem.” I motioned back towards the entranced and conked Luna on the nose, apparently the alicorns were as sneaky as I was. “Oops, sorry about that, didn't see you.” She scrunched her snout and gave me a dissatisfied look while Celestia smirked. I continued, “So now I'm non-threatening enough to be allowed out of 'solitary'.”

“Humph, well just remember these hooves before you try any more funny business.” She waggled her hind legs in the air, I know it was suppose to be threatening but I about squealed at the cuteness of it. “And apologize to Fluttershy for scaring her.”

“Alright then, when I find out where she vanished to, I will do that.”

“She didn't vanish anywhere silly.” I looked towards the Pinkie questioningly. “She just hid under the table.”

Curiously I lifted the tablecloth and bent over to investigate. Sure enough there was a little ball of yellow and pink who, upon noticing my gaze, let out an 'eek' and turned around as if not facing me would make me cease to exist. It was Ah-Fucking-Dorable. Can't get too distracted by the cuteness, I'm on a mission of peacemaking. I began to speak in the lightest, most non-intimidating voice I could.

“Fluttershy, would you please forgive big old Mr. Stone-turner, I had no intention of harming you, I just wanted to play a funny joke is all. I'm sorry.” With that I promptly smashed my head on the underside of the table while righting myself and let loose a stream of obscenities that probably earned me a place in the record books for inflicting verbal whiplash.

Righting my self fully and looking from pony to pony I could only grin sheepishly, even Pinkie was giving me a 'The fuck is wrong with you?' face.

“Sorry, the table hurt...”

“Well, it is good thing we managed to remove the link between your pain and your petrification powers, I fear the kingdom wouldn't last very long otherwise.” Thank you Celestia, I am staggering under the weight of your faith in me.

“Not that he even needs that power to create an incident.” Up yours too Twilight.

Grumbling, I sat slightly hunched and took a carrot from one of the veggie trays in the center of the table and munched. Despite my slight irritation I grinned a little as Fluttershy rose up from under the table to rejoin the meal, even if it was down across from Rainbow Dash and as far away from me as possible.

Breakfast resumed the way it was before my joining the table, with the exception of a quiet tension filling the air. I didn't eat so much as I snacked on veggies while looking around the table to observe the ponies in their 'natural' habitat. Twilight was chatting rapidly with the alicorns, who had both sat down across from her, and from the looks of the conversation it was very one-sided. Applejack and Rainbowdash were in a fierce battle of wills over who's stomach would burst first. Pinkie Pie seemed to be talking even more than Twilight, it was unfortunate for Rarity who was the sole target of this barrage and wearing the most fake smile I had ever seen. And Fluttershy, still as far from myself as possible, seemed to be trying to use her hair as an invisibility cloak.

As the eating of breakfast began to come to an end, and it was evident I had no intentions to further make an ass of myself, Celestia rose and declared she had an announcement to make.

“Now everypony I am very pleased with the work you did to bring Stone here to me and put an end to his inadvertent rampage.” Look at all their little faces, so full of pride, “And I would like to ask one last favor of the six of you.” Full of happiness. “I would like for all of you to take both him and The Elements of Harmony back with you to Ponyville this evening.” Full of insurmountable terror.

“What!?” Got three of those unanimously.

“Yay! Stoney gets to come with us!” I don't think its possible for Pinkie to see a downside to anything.

“Eek.” My word, the Fluttershy made a sound.

“But princess, why?” Ooh good question Twilight.

“Well my little pupil.” OK Twilight is the pupil of a being in charge of RAISING THE SUN I will not being getting on her bad side, ever. “I believe it would make the ponies of the kingdom feel more at ease if The Elements were making sure he stayed in line, and so that you can ensure he stays in line should it come to that.” Ouch, now I feel untrusted.

“But why are we even giving him a chance? He petrified half of Equestria!” Why you gotta bring that up Rainbow Dash?

“The Elements of Harmony themselves pardoned him and we now know he had no intention of doing what he did, I feel those are grounds enough for him to be given a chance.” Luna got up from the table and left with a yawn and a wave of the wing while Celestia spoke, she looked tired. “Now then, since you still have plenty of time until the train for Ponyville is scheduled to leave why don't you spend the day getting to know Stone.” And with that she strolled out of the dining hall, leaving behind myself and the six little ponies.

I looked towards the ponies and fired up old big n' stupid, my grin of choice, as I clapped my hands together.

“So, how are we gonna spend the day together?” All of the ponies looked very very nervous, well except Pinkie.

The sun was bright, I used a hand to shield my eyes as we walked out of the palace. The plan was essentially for us to just walk around the city to take in the sights and for me to not cause a panic. Simple enough. As we walked to the palace gates I noticed the guards were less threatening, though it was more a feeling in the air than any visual signs since they never elected to show any emotions at all. The door guards however did elect to show emotions, they even voiced opinions! Both were strongly against me going into the city proper during these busy times of day. My rebuttal was to place my thumb against my nose, waggle my fingers, and blow a raspberry. I am the pinnacle of maturity.

As we passed the gates into the city Twilight felt the need to ask.

“What was THAT?”

“My inner child.” And with that the gates shut behind us.

The city itself was vastly different from days previous, it was full of hustle and bustle with ponies shopping, chatting, and just generally being ponytastic.

“My my look at all the ponies, it will surely take us quite some time to get anywhere if the whole city is this crowded.”

“Hah, speak for yourself Rarity I'll just fly over the crowds.” I frowned.

“Well that's not sticking with the group at all.”

“Don't worry about it, once you figure out how to move thru Canterlot crowds it's almost as if they're not there at all.”

“Right, but we only have a day so if you don't mind Twilight I have my own special method that might do the trick.”

“Y- y- you're not gonna turn them to stone..... Are you?”

“Fluttershy, you wound me, of course not.” Besides I have no idea how. “Observe.” I cupped my hands around my mouth and called out in a very loud deep voice. “PONIES OF CANTERLOT!” Most of the ponies stopped and turned their heads towards me. I raised one hand high into the air and waved it. “Hi there!” Within moments the street had cleared. Twilight face-hoofed as we made our way down the street.

“You aren't going to do that at every crowd are you?”

“Nah, I was just curious if it would actually work.”

We strolled along idly looking in shop windows and at street vendors, the ponies attending them clearly allowing job security to come before fear of me, until we reached a shop that peaked my interest.

“Ooh a bookstore.” Twilight immediately looked up at me.

“You like books?”

“Of course! The only entertainment I got over the past months was from books I 'borrowed' while in towns.”

“Any specific books you enjoyed?”

“Well for the most part the books I got my hands on were non-fiction, things like history books, outdoor survival, magic theories. Things that might tell me where I was or how to get home. Although there was one fiction series that I did find interesting.”

“What was it?”

“Have you heard of 'Stallions and Saddles'?” Twilight, Rarity and Fluttershy all turned about the same color as Pinkie pie. “Oh, I see you have.”

“You read those books!?”

“Beggars can't be choosers, besides they had very.... imaginative plot development.”

“Imaginative is one way to put it...”

“So in regards to book three, can ponies really-”

“NO! We are not having this conversation, especially not in the middle of Canterlot.”

“Alright, alright. We'll just drop it... For now.”

With that we resumed strolling down the streets, Rainbow Dash and Applejack looking confused slightly, Pinkie pie being Pinkie, and the others clearly even more uncomfortable than before. The next few hours were spent just making small talk as we went from window to window.

The ponies seemed to be warming up to the idea of me being around, Fluttershy even began speaking so I didn't have to hurt myself trying to hear her. Hell, Rainbow Dash stopped threatening me with her hooves. Going over the progress made today in my head a thought suddenly occurred to me.

“So... What time exactly is the train to Ponyville?” The entire group stopped walking. “None of us actually knows do we?” My question was met with silence... “Should we run to the station?” And so we did.

The train ride to destiny!

We arrived at the train station gasping for air and sweating, except Applejack, Pinkie pie, and Rainbow Dash, who weren't even phased by our sudden physical exertions.

“According.. -gasp-.... to... -breath-.... the schedule...” Twilight waved a hoof towards the station wall. “We still -pant- have twenty -inhale- minutes.”

“Perfect... -my own air intake- just enough time... -deep breath- for a heart attack.” Rainbow landed lightly in front of me, damn her flaunting those wings about.

“For being on the run for months, you're really outta shape. Especially if that bit of running wore you out.” I caught my breath and began my response.

“Hey, most of being on the run was more stealth and subtlety than any actual running.” I waved her off with a hand. “I had to ensure I was difficult to find rather than able to escape.”

“Yes, because a path of petrified ponies is perfectly impossible to pursue.” I narrowed my eyes at Twilight, unsure if I should compliment her on that tongue twister she created or squeeze her like an orange for that juice called cuteness.

“I can see your point, and now I completely disregard any weight it holds on the matter.” I wave my hand a second time, but this one aimed at Twilight. “Besides, all of that has led us to here and I find the outcome of it all to be much better than what I expected.” This statement got me some nods of agreement. And Rarity added her two cents.

“Well some things could certainly have been worse, although your outfit is not one of them.” I let out a small gasp and was about to inform her how tattered shreds were always stylish when Pinkie bounced in front of me.

“I'll say things coulda been worse, you coulda been a big meany mic mean face instead of a nice silly pants.” I just patted Pinkie on the head in reply and she didn't seem to disapprove.

“So then, we've got a bit still before we need to be on the train and I don't believe we have enough time to actually take in any more sights....” The others tilted their heads slightly. “So why don't we talk about our favorite scenes?” A voice drifted from behind a veil of pink hair.

“Um.. Favorite s-scenes?” I reactivated the grin known for being both large and intellectually challenged.

“Why the parts we enjoyed most from 'Stallions and Saddles' of course.” Had the ponies not been standing firmly still I would have assumed they were moving away from me at near light speed. (Learn yo physics!)

“I thought we were gonna drop that subject?” Twilight did not seem very happy.

“We did, I just felt it was time to pick it back up and dust it off.”

“Well put it back where you found it.”

“Oh come on, you can't tell me you don't have a favorite scene.”

“Not talking about this!” I cleared my throat and put on my worst performance ever.

“Come now Miss Softskin you can't be sayin' there isn't a thing I could do for a mare in your woeful predicament?” Several passing ponies turned from being just cautious to also quite red, must be a popular book series.

“Oh Captain Strongback I am afraid that's the case, for there isn't a stallion alive who could make me feel the same as my lost lover.” My own head along with those of five ponies whipped around with wide eyes, that voice was Pinkies! We all just stared at her, mouths open. “What? That was a good part of the series.” My only reply was to impersonate a large mouthed bass.

“Alright now I think this should stop before ya'll act out any scenes you'll regret.” I could only nod. Step one: find bleach. Step two: pour into ear canal. Step three: shake vigorously. We waited until the train arrived with few words spoken after that.

As we were boarding our ride to Ponyville I noticed several ponies were getting out of the boarding line or even stepping back off the train once they spotted me. I swear they act as if I almost put an end to their civilization or something.

The outside of the train was.... unique. The engine was hot pink with heart decor and while I am not one to judge, given my preference in both company and books at this point, I could feel my testosterone levels dropping as I neared our ride. The cars themselves were simple, yet bright, colors and design, save for the caboose and a single car that very much resembled a baked good. After ducking thru the door into a car towards the back, I quickly banged my head on an overhead storage rack,

“GAH! Why do ponies have to be so damn short!?” Any ponies already in that car quickly found another to ride in. Six particular ponies paid me little mind as they seated themselves.

The interior of the car was very nice despite the lack of room for a full standing Stone-turner. It had a plush red carpet, two sets of overhead storage racks, one of which I have already been acquainted with, and just under the windows were long plumply cushioned benches, the backs under the windows looking to be sectioned off into segments while the seat itself was one very long cushion. Upon examining a segment I found they folded down into a table of sorts resting on the seat, convenient. I claimed myself a space to sit upon while the others laid out on their bellies in their own territory.

“So then ponies, how far away is this Ponyville?”

“It's not too far away, we should arrive in town around midnight at the latest.” I nodded to Twilight.

“I see, and do we have any sort of plan as to how to integrate me into Pony society? I only ask because me stepping off the train may be enough on its own to cause a panic.”

“Hmm, we should probably sneak you off the train then and warn everypony that you're gonna be living with us first thing in the morning.”

“That may soften the blow a little, but I think regardless of what we do the town will panic.”

“So what do you suggest then?” I shrugged in reply.

“We just roll with it for day one and spend the next couple days as damage control.”

“So we just let them freak out for a day then spend the rest of the week introducing you to everypony so they can see how big of an idiot you are?”

“If that is what will work, and on a side note, ouch your words hurt me.” I then had a face full of Pinkie Pie eye.

“Ooh if you get to know everypony in town then we can throw a big party for everypony knowing Stoney is nice and not gonna destroy Equestria. I don't think I have a party banner for that.” With that she rolled out a giant red fabric from who knows where over the seats and Rainbow.

“Hey, Pinkie watch where you're rolling that thing.”

“Oopsie, sorry Dashie.” She then threw the banner fabric around her like a large red sash and hopped down the car a ways. Twilight resumed talking to me.

“Ugh, it's going to be tough enough to get them to accept even the idea of you being in town, I don't know how we're going to get them to accept the actual you.” I'd almost think she was suggesting something was amiss with my personality from that tone, cheeky.

“Twilight you underestimate me, converting ponies will be as easy as wololo.” I noticed in my vision that Pinkie was hopping to the opposite end of the car, now with a blue sash. Twilight just tilted her head at me slightly.

“Whatever you say, just don't provoke more panic than necessary when we arrive.”

“What makes you think I would ever dream of provoking panic?” She just gave me a look that told me exactly how serious she was on this issue. “Don't worry, I will be on such good behavior you'll mistake me for Fluttershy.” The aforementioned pegasus looked up from her position and gave a small smile before laying back down, these ponies are too cute damn it.

“OK, I'll trust you.” And with that our conversation on the matter ended and I turned to look out the window at the scenery.

After about an hour of staring out the window I started getting... bored. Looking around I noticed the ponies had taken to napping or just relaxing, even Pinkie was less hyper than the norm. Grumbling about there being no alternative I sprawled myself out as best I could and I let myself fall asleep.

There was a poking at my side. I tried to wave it off.

“Come on we're in Ponyville, it's time to get going.” There's that poking again. I opened one eye to see Twilight prodding me in the side with a hoof.

“Alright, I'm up already, what's our plan?”

“The others are all on look out around the station and between here and the library. We're going to move when nopony is around to spot you and hopefully get there without incident. Then in the morning we can introduce you to the town and with any luck not throw everypony into a panic.”

“Wait, why are we going to the library?”

“Well, that's where I live.”

“Oh.... OK...” Then Rainbow's voice drifted in.

“All clear, get going.” Twilight led the way as we moved off the train and into the dark of Ponyville.

It was not easy staying hidden, between this town having very few objects large enough for me hide behind, not being able to hear Fluttershy's signals, and the complete inability to decipher whether or not Pinkie was saying there was somepony ahead or the path was open. It was amazingly surprising we got me to the library without incident.

Oh, by the way, it's a fucking tree. Crouched in front of it, I didn't even realize what it was at first until Twilight announced we had made it. Looking up at it I just shook my head, too late at night to question it. She led the way in and I crouched thru the door, no more worrying about scaring the town's ponies tonight.

“So, what's the plan now?” Twilight yawned out a reply.

“I've got enough spare bedding we can set you up a temporary bed in the basement. Then, in the morning, we can introduce you to the town and hope they don't run you out.” I nodded my thanks and followed Twilight down to her basement. “Well, have a good night Stone-turner.”

“Good night, Twilight.” And as she left the basement and closed the door I threw myself onto the pile of blankets and pillows she left for me to cobble a bed together and quickly fell asleep.

Fools and Fillies

With a yawn I awoke from my slumber and began to shuffle towards the stairway. As I reached the stairs I began to awkwardly stumble up them. I opened the door and grimaced at the bright light. Looking around the room I actually began to take in the details of it. Books. That was essentially the entirety of this room's existence, sure there was a door or two and a staircase but aside from that it was walls of shelves stocked with books upon books of varying sizes, colors, and thickness. Turning around to take in a full appreciation for how many books there were I heard a small noise. Spinning back to face the center of the room I looked down and spied something quite odd. Standing in the middle of the room was a small creature, it had purple scales covering it with green spines running down its head to its tail with a yellowish/green underbelly. It was either a very large gecko or a very small dragon.

“Are y-you The Stone-turner?” Ah, it can speak, excellent. Slowly I hunched down so I was looking it dead in the eyes, maintaining the greatest lack of emotion I ever had. The lizard/dragon looked scared.

“Yes, yes I am. Might I trouble you for directions to the bathroom?” This creature looked slightly more curious then scared now and pointed at a door.

“Down that hallway, second door on the left.” With a nod I rose and took long strides to the bathroom and my morning relief. Once fully relieved I shook twice, no more no less, and returned to the main room to find the dragon still in the room.

“So where's Twilight at?”

“Oh, she's uh.. out talking to the mayor, she said that when you woke up I was suppose to tell you to stay here until she comes to get you.” I grunted.

“Alright then. I guess I'll stay out of trouble for today.” And with that I plopped onto my ass and sat cross-legged. “So then, what's your name?”

“Spike.”

“Well Spike, let's get to know each other.”

We talked for a bit before my stomach interrupted us and Spike got me some veggies from the kitchen. Apparently Twilight had hatched him at a young age, as some kind of magic test, and when I asked if that made her something like a young mom for him he laughed and said it made her more like a sister. As we ate I learned that dragons actually eat gemstones and so I made a very bold faced mental note to never ever antagonize him into biting me anywhere, might lose a limb that way. After finishing my vegetables, I thanked the little dragon for the meal and began on the next topic of conversation.

“So, what do you do in this library? I know you said you act as Twilight's assistant but what does that actually entail?”

“Oh, you know.” He began to relax as he leaned back on his tail. “I do things like organize the shelves, keep the place clean, and write and send letters to the princess weekly.” I raised a brow.

“You send letters weekly? What about?” Spike shrugged.

“Mostly just about things going on in the town and friendship reports.”

“Friendship reports?”

“Yea, every week Twilight and the others have to send a letter telling Celestia what they learned about friendship.”

“They have to learn a new fact about friendship?”

“Yea.”

“Each week?”

“Yea.”

“And send this information directly to the princess and co-ruler herself?”

“That's what I said.”

“What if they don't learn anything new?” He shuddered.

“Dude, you don't even wanna know.” I was about to press him for further information on the matter, when the door burst open and a very frazzled Twilight trotted in.

“Things are going well with the town's ponies I take it?” With a groan Twilight laid on the floor next to both myself and spike.

“There's no convincing them at all that you're not some filly snatching monster come to gobble them in their sleep.”

“How does turning ponies to stone even translate into THAT?”

“I don't know.” She lowered head and covered it with her hooves. “I swear they're so afraid of just the idea of you being in Ponyville, I can't even image how they'll react when they see you.” I could feel 'the monster grin of the morons'™ growing as she finished speaking.

“You know there is an easy way to find out....” I slowly got up and moved towards the front door.

“What are yo- NO!” I grasped the handle and began to pull the door open. “DON'T YOU DARE!” Out of sheer defiance I opened the door and stepped out into the world. Watch out Ponyville, here I come.

“THE HORROR THE HORROR!”

“It's a pleasure to meet you too mam.”

“THE CHILDREN, SOMEPONY THINK OF THE CHILDREN!”

“I'm sure you're a wonderful father sir.”

“IT'S SO HIDEOUS!”

“Well now, that's just rude.”

I had been strolling about town waving cheerily and trying to make somewhat polite conversation for an hour now. These ponies knew how to panic. Twilight had long since given up on trying to force me back to the library and instead opted to try and calm the citizens, poor girl. Spike on the other hand took the smart choice of remaining in the library until this whole thing blows over. This meant I could wander around aimlessly for the rest of the day in hopes that the ponies would grow tired of panicking and we could begin rational discussions on the situation. At this rate I may need a backup plan.

As I moseyed about I observed many similarities between Ponyville and the first pony town I had ever seen. Many small yet brightly colored homes with mostly straw like roofs. Places that were obviously of a business nature. A square full of market stands and produce. There was even a bowling alley, although how a pony is suppose to bowl is somewhat beyond my realm of understanding.

Continuing to make my path thru the chaos and disarray I noticed out of the corner of my eye a bit of yellow and red sticking out of a bucket. Curious, I stepped towards it to inspect it closer. Upon brief examination I discovered it to be the yellow rear end and red tail of a small pony protruding from the wooden bucket. Naturally I applied the scientific method by poking its flank to see if it would respond.

“Sweetie Bell? Scootaloo? Is that ya'll? Come on and git me outta this bucket before the monster comes ta eat me!” With a small chuckle I wrapped my hands around the midsection of the little pony and placed one foot carefully on the rim of the bucket.

“Now just calm down and hold still a second and I'll pull you right out.” The filly began to squirm in my grip.

“Who's that! What are ya'll doing back there!?” I tightened my grip and tugged.

“I thought I told you to hold still so I can free you.” With a small pop I pulled the filly free and spun it right side up so I could get a good look at it.

“Why thank ya mista-ah-ah-ah-” And here I thought the fully grown ponies were cute, little fillies blow them right out of the water. She had a big pink bow on her red mane and large orange eyes. Her accent seemed familiar someh-OWOWOW SWEET SUGAR COATED MARSHMALLOW BITES SHE FUCKING BIT ME! The sheer shock of it was enough to cause me to release my grip, fortunately for her, her jaws were strong enough to remain firmly attached around my arm and keep her from falling to the hard ground. This meant, of course, that I now had a small filly hanging from my arm by the teeth. I was not taking it very well.

“IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT IS GOOD AND DECENT SOMEPONY COME GET THIS THING OFF ME!” I was trying very hard not to flail my arm around for fear of injuring the young pony, but I desperately wanted it detached from my person. That was when I recognized the accent.

“Applebloom! What in the hay do ya think yer doin'!?” I turned to face Applejack, my arm with the soulless little growth outstretched.

“I believe this one is yours then?” She nodded.

“That there's muh sister.” Applejack turned her attention back to the small one. “Applebloom quit bitin' Stone.” She stopped to think for a second. “And apologize for bitin' em in the first place!” The smaller pony removed her jaw from around my arm and dropped to the ground before quickly running to her sister.

“But he's a monster that'll gobble us all up!”

“Now Applebloom I told ya'll last night he weren't no monster. He might be a tad thick headed but he's a decent.... non-pony.”

“I can hear you, you know. And my kind are humans.”

“Sorreh Stone-turner. Now your turn Applebloom.” Distraught the yellow filly moved towards me, her ears low against her head.

“Ah'm s-sorry I bit you Mr. Monster.”

“Applebloom!”

“Mr. Stone-turner.” With a warm grin I slowly crouched down. The pony cringed a bit as I patted her head.

“That's quite alright, you were very brave to fight me even though you thought I was a monster that would eat you.

Now, NEVER. BITE. ME. AGAIN.” With a small nod Applebloom trotted back behind her bigger sister and kept an eye on me.

“Ah'm mighty sorreh for that Stone, ya won't hold it against er will ya?” I waved her her worries off with a hand.

“Don't fret over it. She's just a young pony there's no reason to harbor any kind of grudge” I rubbed the red mark on my arm a little. “Just so long as she doesn't repeat the action.”

“Well that's mighty big of ya Stone-turner.” I would hope so, I'm nearly twice their size. “Now iff'n you'll excuse us ah'm gonna take her on home to keep her outta trouble during all this panic.” With that she began to lead the still wary filly out.

“Farewell Applejack!” I waved.

“Try not to ruin our town sugahcube!” That's a first.

“I'll try!” With a nod to myself I set out to resume my parade of 'look, I'm totally not a real threat'.

As the day wore on I saw less and less ponies out in the open, they must have decided that running around in terror was getting them nowhere and took to hiding inside instead. So I began making a list of non-threatening things I could do.

“Hmm, I could replant flowers. Although I don't actually have any potted plants to work with. I could sing, no I might shatter windows if I tried that. Bah this is way more difficult than it should be.” My list needed much work.

“HIYA STONEY!” And there goes my heart.

“H-hi Puh-Pinkie.” I know I was watching where I was going and the street was completely clear all down it. How the hell did she just pop up in front of me like that!? “What are you doing out and about? Didn't you hear, some kind of monster is in the town!” Pinkie let out a loud gasp.

“That's what all the other ponies were saying! You heard about it too!?” I grinned slightly.

“Oh yes, they say its bigger than any pony ever and that if it doesn't eat a pony it turns them into stone!”

“That's horrible what do they call it!?”

“THE STONE-TURNER!”

“Wait! That's your name!” I rolled my eyes and poked the pink pony on the snout.

“That's cause they think I'm a monster ya nut.”

“I'm not a nut, I'm Pinkie Pie.”

“I'm sorry, my mistake.”

“That's alright, Stoney.” With that Pinkie began bouncing down the street and with little else to do I followed along behind her.

“So then Pinkie, what are you doing?”

“Twilight told me to help calm down the town, so I was gathering everypony and telling them to go to town hall!”

“Why were you telling them to go to town hall?”

“Because, silly, if they're all in one place we can calm them all down at once instead of running around everywhere!” That... Actually makes a small amount of sense...

“Well if the plan to gather them is so you can calm them, how are you going to actually calm them?”

“Well I figured I could dump a bag of flour on myself, but I don't know if that works on a bunch of adult ponies.”

“What?”

“It's a long story.”

“Right, well if there is anything that will make them stop being so afraid of me I won't question how it worked so long as it did.”

“That's it!”

“What's it?” Pinkie moved around behind me and started pushing against my back with her fore-hooves, she's surprisingly good at balancing on her hind-legs.

“We'll just make them not afraid of you!”

“OK. How?”

“Easy, we'll show them all you're just silly and not a big scary monster!”

“So our plan is to throw me into an enclosed space with the entire population of the town inside and panicking over the fact that I'm in the town at all?”

“YEPPERS!” I turned on my grin of choice.

“That is so insane I have to give it a shot!”

“I know right!?”

“Let's go!”

And so we ran towards a large multistory building that had to be town hall. Twilight is so going to skin me alive after this.

Breaking the calm

As we approached the town hall I started having serious doubts about how good an idea what we were about to do was. OK I had no delusions about it being a good idea, I knew it was one of the dumbest ideas I have ever been a part of. But I had nearly no other options aside from just waiting for Twilight and the others to convince the town I wasn't just some horrible monster, and I absolutely hate to wait.

I followed Pinkie Pie in thru the large doors to town hall and grinned at what I saw. Ahead of us was a large room decorated with pillars, its floor made of light blue carpet, it was obvious everypony in the town was in attendance, or at least enough to fill up most of the room save for about two feet of space away from the walls. On the far end of the space was a small stage where Twilight stood along with Fluttershy, Rarity, and Rainbow Dash. On the opposite end of the stage from them was a light brown pony with a gray mane and tail. I quickly grabbed Pinkie by her tail before she could move too far ahead of me and whispered into her ear. With a few overly exuberant nods she bounded towards the stage while I stuck to the wall and slowly moved along it, trying very hard not to be seen or make noise until the time was right.

Once I got into a nicely shadowed position I leaned back and watched Pinkie reach the stage to join the others. They than began to speak with each other and much to my surprise I could hear them very clearly, either that stage was enchanted or I was in one hell of an acoustic sweet spot.

“Is this everypony in town?”

“Everypony plus o~ne” She sang the last word a little and Twilight raised an eye at her.

“Right.” She cleared her throat. “Everypony could I have your attention please. Now I know there has been a lot of panic today and many of you are scared, but I am going to set all records straight.” Twilight then went on to explain to the town just what I was and everything she knew of me from our short interactions. Now don't get me wrong, it was really sweet and I appreciated her trying to convince the entire town I wasn't just some monster that would ruin their existence, but my word it was so boring! It was more like she was listing off a fact sheet than making a heartfelt case for me. Of course things got a bit better when the others joined in on my defense, regardless of the fact I couldn't hear Fluttershy in the slightest. As their speech wound down the ponies in the audience began to ask questions or make comments, many of which involving how they could trust me so thoroughly after such short time. Their response was simple yet effective, The Elements of Harmony left me how I am, so I couldn't be a terrible guy.

I remained leaning against the wall watching silently until the town conference had ended and ponies began to disperse. Fortunately the last ones left were five of the six I had already come to know, so as they began to leave I silently started to move towards the exit, dragging my feet on the carpeted floor as quietly as I could. With a big grin I fell into step just behind the ponies as they were leaving the building. As we stepped outside I slowly raised my hands, only two fingers outstretched on each one. Carefully I chose my victim, Rainbow Dash, aiming for the center of the body on each side just a little ways below the wings I brought both hands together on the flying pegasus as I let loose the name of my attack.

“JUMPER CABL-

The world exploded in bright rainbow colored lights and deafening sound as I was thrown back to the ground just inside the doors of the town hall. Painfully I tried to lift myself up, my head was throbbing and my ears were ringing fiercely. After some stumbling I managed to get back on my feet and tried to peer ahead. As my vision began to refocus and my ears continued with their refusal to work properly I saw the others, Twilight was struggling to stand, Fluttershy was curled into a shivering little ball, Pinkie was staring straight up while resting on her back legs, Rarity was laying dazed on the ground, and Rainbow Dash was missing completely. Staggering back out of the building I noticed a beam of multicolored light shooting up from where Rainbow was last seen and an odd circular rainbow moving out away from the town off in the distance. Shaking my head I first helped Twilight get back onto all fours, steadying her until she seemed able to stand on her own. She moved her mouth but I didn't hear anything.

“WHAT!?” I cleared out my ears with a finger.

“What the hay did you!?”

“Why do you assume I did... whatever the hell that was?”

“Because things have only been crazy with you around.”

“I see your point, but I claim innocence on the grounds that I do not have the power to make random explosions.”

“Whatever. Let's just make sure the others are alright.”

“Agreed.”

With that Twilight trotted over to Rarity and I stepped lightly over to the curled up pegasus. After some prodding it seemed evident she was far too scared to even consider uncurling, so I simply picked her up and carried the timid ball of yellow and pink in one arm while I walked to Pinkie, who was still staring up into the sky.

“Pinkie, are you OK?” She looked at me with wide eyes.

“Did you see that Stoney!? Dashie was so amazing! She shot up all 'woosh!' or maybe 'zoom!' 'kerswoosh?' Yea! KERSWOOSH!”

“That didn't rattle your brain did it?”

“No my fain is brine.” With that she returned to watching the sky.

“Riiiiiiight..... Anyways, did you see where Rainbow Dash went?” She pointed a hoof to the sky and I followed it until I spotted a spectrum of color bound into pony shape descending slowly towards us.

“That. Was. AWESOME!” Dash exclaimed cheerfully as she landed before us. “I mean, did you SEE that? I went straight from zero to rainboom and I don't even know how, it was just like... like...”

“KERSWOOSH!” Pinkie added.

“Yea!” I shook my head a bit.

“OK, what was that? And.... rainboom?” Rainbow seemed a bit proud of herself as she spoke.

“A sonic rainboom, is what happens when a pegasus goes so fast they break the sound barrier and make a giant rainbow wave. I've done it before, but I had to try to do it I never just went from barely flying to rainboom. And it was so weird the way it happened! I mean first everything was fine, then there was this tingling in my sides like I had just passed between storm clouds, then just....”

“KERSWOOSH!” I rubbed the bridge of my nose with my free hand.

“So this tingling, it felt just like static electricity right?”

“Yea, that's it!” I sighed and looked towards the other ponies, Rarity was now able to stand without Twilight helping her up.

“Twilight, looks like this was my fault, sorry.”

“Huh?” I looked back at Rainbow. “How is this your fault?”

“Well I jumper cabled you.” She looked very confused. “Well you see a jumper cable is..” I frowned and looked down at my occupied arm, I would need both hands to fully illustrate this. Using my available hand I spread out Pinkie's mane a bit and set Fluttershy in it, it looked a lot like a yellow egg in a pink nest. Returning to Rainbow I continued. “A jumper cable is when you build up a static charge and then using both hands,” I held up my hands and only extended two fingers on each, “you poke someone in the sides as you pass the static shock on to them.” I motioned by bringing my fingers together on an invisible body.

“So you can make me rainboom on the spot?”

“Apparently” Dash began to grin, and not just any grin, this was MY grin, ol' wide and dumb.

“No!” She lost the grin. “We are not ever doing that again.”

“Why not?”

“Because for one it'd be dumb even by my low standards, and for two because I don't think the town's population would be able to handle these sonic rainbooms if they were to become a recurring event.” I motioned towards the rest of the town.

Even with just a glance it was obvious the ponies had not taken the sudden rainboom very well. Those who weren't frozen in terror or had outright fainted were now in even greater panic than they were before, most of them running about and spreading the fear. I heard a small groan and turned to Twilight, smiling sheepishly.

“I'm reaaaally sorry?”

Twilight just grumbled as she trotted into the town, presumably to calm the citizens again. I chuckled lightly as I turned back to the others just in time to see a confused Fluttershy hopping down from atop a Pinkie Pie, her hair springing back into its normal position.

“Well then, maybe we should find some way to keep me out of both trouble and Twilight's mane for the rest of the day.” The others nodded in agreement.

“But what are we going to do with you?! Just you being out and about is enough to send everypony into a panic!” I shrugged to Rainbow.

“Beats me, I'm the one new in town here.”

“Hmm, perhaps everypony would be a little less wary of you if we were to exchange those tattered rags draping off you for something a tad more... civilized.” I narrowed my eyes at Rarity.

“Is something wrong with my choice of clothing?” She seemed to become just slightly panicked, hah.

“No, n-nothing at all it's just that they make you seem a bit...... savage?” I laughed lightly, crouching down to pony level.

“Don't worry, I agree with you completely. However, the issue of clothing made to fit my human body and finding a pony who wouldn't be too terrified to make such clothes stand in our way of that.”

“Well, if those are our only issues I don't believe we are going to have nearly as tough a time as you might think.”

“Oh?”

“Yes, for you see I am a creator of fashion! So it should be no trouble at all to get you something that will make the town more at ease with your walking about. All we must do is get you to my boutique and we shall create you a look that says just how friendly you truly are!” I couldn't help but smirk.

“Alright then Rarity, lead the way.” And as she began to trot thru town with the rest of us following behind a thought occurred to me. “I think I would like this new look to include a cloak.”

Wow. That was the most horrified look I've gotten yet. Let's see how long it'll take me to top it.

A well dressed Stone.

We made it to Rarity's without incident, which really was the biggest shock of the day for me. Given the way things had been going I half expected a pack of wolverines to fall from the sky and run amok. During the entire walk since my mentioning it Rarity had been trying desperately to dissuade me from wanting a cloak. It amused me.

“Well, here we are. My Carousel Boutique.”

I looked up at the building. It was some horrifying cross between a merry go round and the high tower of a renaissance castle that made the very last bits of man juice inside me dry up for good. With a light shudder from me, we all followed Rarity inside her place of business. And heard a small voice that seemed to crack whenever it hit a high note.

“You made it back! You didn't see that monster out there di-” The voice stopped as soon as I entered the building, only to start back up with much more terror in it. “Look out Rarity, the monster followed you home!” I looked downwards to find the source of the voice, it was a small white unicorn filly with a slightly curled pink and purple mane and tail. I swear, if this one bites me.... Rarity looked back at us then at the small unicorn.

“Sweetie Belle, whatever are you talking about?” Sweetie Belle looked like she was about to explode from sheer shock when Rarity looked at me and didn't seem phased in the slightest.

“Rarity, clearly she is talking about Fluttershy, I mean just look at her, Sweetie Belle here must be scared stiff.” Humor, humor always diffuses tense situations.

“Oh, am I scary? I could just go wait outside... um... that is, if you want me to.” I have never face-palmed so hard in all my life.

“I was making a joke Fluttershy. It's obvious she's referring to me when she says 'monster'.”

“Oh, I knew that.” *Squee* Whatever that sound was I want know how to liquify it and inject it straight into my bloodstream because it was just fucking precious.

Rarity walked over to the smaller pony and gently laid a hoof on her.

“Now Sweetie Belle, you don't need to worry a bit. Stone-turner here isn't a monster. He's a bit... odd, yes. But not a monster. He's a friend of ours and I am going to make him an outfit so that maybe the other ponies in town won't be as afraid of him.”

“So, he's not gonna eat us?”

“Of course not.” The little unicorn then looked straight at me.

“Promise?” I just grinned as I remembered something from a few days earlier.

“Cross my heart, hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye.” I finished by lightly bonking my fist against my eye. Apparently what I just performed was some kind of dark magic ritual which meant I could never go back on it without forfeiting my soul, for that is the only reason the little filly could possibly trust me so absolutely from then on.

As Rarity led me into a room filled with fabrics and instruments I assumed were for tailoring, Sweetie Belle, who I learned was her sister, circled around my legs asking me question after question. Some of the questions were the basic, who are you, what are you, where'd you come from, and so forth. But when Sweetie Belle asked me what I liked to do in my free time and I replied with reading, Rarity quickly interrupted before that subject line could move any further, clever girl.

“So Stone, is there any particular look or color scheme you would like?” I didn't even bother to think on it.

“Nope, I'll trust that to you completely, I would just like it to have a cloak.” I watched a shudder actually travel from Rarity to Sweetie Belle.

“Very well then.” She growled.

Rarity had me stand straight, arms wide, legs slightly spread while she took measurement after measurement. Then she began to work.

“I don't have any mannequins in your shape so I will be needing you to hold still for quite a bit, I hope that isn't a problem.”

“Well I don't think I have any previous engagements so I suppose I could stay here a bit longer.”

For several hours I stood there, not allowed to move an inch, making idle conversation or answering more questions from Sweetie Belle until Rarity declared that I was no longer required for the next step and shooed myself, Fluttershy, and Sweetie Belle back into the entrance, Rainbow and Pinkie having left of boredom some time ago, so that she would have no distractions for the next phase.

“So then.” I plopped down and crossed my legs on the ground. “How shall we burn time?”

“Well, um.. We could play a game... If you want.”

“Alright, how about rock, paper, sciss..... right.... hooves... never mind.” I face-palmed. They just blinked at me a couple times. “Oh, how about twenty questions?” Sweetie Belle nodded happily, while Fluttershy remained mostly hidden under her mane.

“That's a great idea! You should go first Fluttershy!” Brilliant, this way the timid one can participate with minimal speech required!

“Oh, well... OK.. I'm ready. You can start guessing.. If you're ready too.” I grinned lightly.

“Is it a mineral?” One. Me.

“No.”

“Is it a Vegetable!?” Two. Sweetie.

“No.”

“Hmm, must be animal then. Is it carnivorous?” Three. Me.

“Not at all.”

“Carnivorous?”

“A meat eater.”

“Oh, so it needs to eat plants then, is it a pony!?” Four. Sweetie.

“No, it isn't a pony.” Fluttershy seemed to be getting slightly bolder around me as the game progressed, huzzahs all around.

“Is it a large animal?” Five. Me.

“Um, not really.”

“Does it breathe underwater?” Six. Sweetie.

“No.”

“Is it capable of flight?” Seven.

“No.” Hm, that leaves us with only non-large land animals. I wonder just how many of those Equestria has.

“Is it fuzzy?” Eight.

“Yes.” So, it is furred.

“Does it climb trees?” Nine.

“No.”

“Do you take care of it?” Ten.

“Yes.” Damn, I know nothing of Fluttershy's pets, or even that she had any. Advantage Sweetie Belle.

“Um, is it's fur brown?” Eleven.

“No.”

“Is it's fur white?” Twelve.

“Yes.” Sweetie Belle looks like she knows exactly what it is, this is my last shot. What's small and timid like Fluttershy?

“Is it a mouse?” Oh let it be question Thirteen.

“No.” DAMNIT!

“It's Angel Bunny!”

“Yes.” And lo, the great beast that is Stone-turner was bested by a small unicorn with a squeaky voice, how the mighty do fall.

We continued with several more rounds, a majority of them ending with someone other than myself as the winner. The final tally was, Fluttershy: eight, Sweetie Belle: nine, and myself: three...

I really suck at this game, but I prefer to blame it on the fact I know little of these ponies lives and it puts me at a disadvantage.

Before we could begin another round Rarity's voice drifted in from another room, her work was complete and it was time to try it on. Walking back into the work room I found a tidy and folded pile of clothing hovering before me.

“Here you are Stone, come now, let's see them on you.” I looked around at the ponies currently in the room, the innocent ponies that did not need to ever see my dangly bits.

“Would there happen to be a place I can change in private? I don't exactly wear clothing only for show.” With a raised eyebrow Rarity pointed a hoof at a small door.

“You may change in there if you feel self-conscious about us seeing you.” I nodded and took the floating clothing with me into a small room and rapidly got changed.

There were shoes, a pair of pants, and a long sleeved shirt. No underwear or socks but I didn't think going commando would be a huge issue from the feel of the fabric. The pants and shirt both seemed to be incredibly soft and upon putting them on, I never ever wanted to take them off again. They fit me almost like a second set of skin and yet didn't constrain my movement in the slightest. The shoes were made of some strange material, feeling soft like a fabric but remained firm as I put them on. These shoes fit so snugly and yet let my feet breathe so well that even attempting to break them in would a be crime against that wonderful marshmallow unicorn. Once the clothes were on me I took the time to look at them more closely. The shoes had a cool blue base with a warm orange top color that both ran along each other before both rose up towards the openings of them. A closer look showed flecks of red glittering on the shoes. At the bottom of the pants the same colors rose up and spiraled around each other before widening out and laying in several side by side lines towards the waist. The shirt used the same colors as the pants and shoes, the colors rising up from the base and swirling around next to each other thru the whole of the chest and one solid color going to each arm. Looking closely at the fabric of the pants and shirt I noticed a sort of odd red dust to be present throughout the whole of them, that gave off a nice sparkle as the light hit it at certain angles. Standing fully and looking down I couldn't help but be amazed, the clothes fell naturally so that the colors from one ran seamlessly into the next creating the look that I was not wearing several multiple pieces of clothing, but rather that two separate colors had decided to climb up me and settle themselves down. I stepped back into the room where the others waited and spread my arms as I did a little spin.

“These clothes are amazing!” I grinned. “I can't even imagine how you managed to make something this high quality that quickly!” Rarity got a small blush.

“Think nothing of it, it was actually much easier than you would think.” And she levitated IT in front of me. “But that isn't the complete outfit.”

IT was a thing a beauty. The magnificent cloak. I maintained the color scheme of the rest of the outfit, the blue coming in from the edges and swirling lightly but for the most part acting as a border around the whole of the body and the hood. While the orange moved in from thin lines around the edges and grew to fill in a majority of the inner coloring. All along the edges and hood at regular intervals were small rubies studded into the fabric and two large ones at the neckline. Quickly donning the piece of awesome I looked for how to fasten it closed and found the two larger rubies were cut so that they could snap together easily and wouldn't pull apart unless slid with the intent to separate them. Sweeeet.

“OK, I don't think there will ever be anything capable of topping this, the history books will be written to say how awesome the cloak worn by the Stone-turner was.” Rarity grinned as I found a tall mirror to face and pulled up the hood. Oh man that is great. The hood shadowed my face just enough so that I could be recognized up close but from a distance all that would show would be the light red glow of my eyes. I smiled, my white teeth joining my eyes in the dark of the hood. “Oh yea.... Let's go show this off to the town.” I spun on my heel and began to head out to the town.

“What? Oh no, I don't think it would be very to get the town any more wound up than they already are.”

“Pshaw, I don't think I could wind them up any more, besides they'll be too awestruck at this magnificent outfit to feel terror.”

“Well, I don't know that it's that good a design, it's just something I whipped together on the spot.”

“If something this good was just whipped together, something you had taken the time to carefully plan would probably make me die from amazing overload.”

“Oh, stop it.”

“Alright then.”

“Huh?”

“Oh goody, we're outside. Now where did all the ponies go?” The streets seemed oddly barren, the sun slowly going down off in the distance.

“Maybe they all went inside for the night.” Fluttershy observed.

“Speaking of retiring for the night, Sweetie Belle it IS getting close to your bedtime.”

“Aw, but I wanna watch Stone terrorize the town.” Oh how the young are so impressionable.

“No buts, now come along back inside. Fluttershy I trust you should be able to handle Stone on your own.”

“Don't worry Rarity, I won't give her the slightest bit of trouble.” I don't think her constitution would be able to handle it if I did. “How about you lead me back to the library and I'll wait until tomorrow to throw the town back into a frenzy?”

“Oh, OK.. But do you have to throw the town into frenzy?”

“Fine, I'll try not to make the situation worse. But only for you.” Fluttershy gave me a light smile as she led me back to the big tree that was the library. I knocked on the door before we entered. “Twilight, you home? I'm done being a menace to society today!” With a small wave Fluttershy left as I stepped into the library.

“Really? That's a relief.” Twilight trotted down the stairs, looking slightly flushed with her mane a bit frazzled. “Now let's get you to not be a menace at all.” I grinned.

“I already promised Fluttershy I would try not to make the situation any worse.”

“Good. Are you hungry?” I shook my head.

“Nah, I think I'll just turn in early. Being a monster is pretty tiring.” She rolled her eyes.

“Alright then, Spike is out getting some things so don't be alarmed if you hear him coming in late.” She turned and started going back up the stairs. “Just shout if you need anything.”

“Alright then!” I then started thru the basement door, closing it behind me, and down the stairs. I stopped mid step, there was a very low sound, almost like the rhythmic clopping of hooves. With a shrug I continued down the steps and took a look at the basement, having been too tired to do so the previous night.

There were a couple of shelves with some books on them and several devices I couldn't even begin to guess the function of. Aside from that there was little else other than the pile of sheets and pillows I was suppose to make a bed out of. Deciding that tonight I should actually use the bedding I spread it out on the floor then took off my clothing and folded it neatly and set it in the corner. Slowly settling down into my makeshift bed my gaze fell onto one of the shelves of books. It was the 'Stallions and Saddles' series and there seemed to be a few of them. I began to count them to help me sleep. There was book one, two, three, four, five, seven, eig- Wait a minute. Four, five, seven... One was missing from the shelf. That low clopping sound reentered my mind and with the mightiest shudder the world has ever seen I attempted to force myself asleep. Tomorrow I would find a vat of acid and dunk my head into it...

Table talk

I awoke with a yawn, stretching out and feeling my spine pop in several places. In the moderate dark of the basement, for some odd reason night just didn't seem as dark as it once had, I shuffled to my clothing pile and silently put them on. I wonder where I could get acid early in the day, hell I wonder where I could get acid in Ponyville. I made my way up the stairs to the above ground world and stopped at the door to place my ear against it before opening. No clops. If what I think I heard is what I think it was I wish to never ever ever EVER walk in on it. With a groan I opened the door and stepped into the library proper. Letting loose a grand yawn I moved mechanically into the bathroom and performed the morning ritual of relieving oneself. After washing my hands and splashing some of the water onto my face, to help with the waking process, I moved back towards the main room and stopped.

That smells familiar... Is it... Cinnamon? Carefully I followed my nose out of the main room and into a small kitchen. The kitchen was functional to say the least. It had a small table with some of those stools the ponies use, a sink, cupboards, a window, an icebox, and a small stove with a purple unicorn in front of it. Cooking what I assumed to be cinnamon oatmeal if my nose was functioning properly. Shaking off the last of my sleep I announced my presence.

“G'morning Twilight.” She looked back at me.

“Oh, good morning Stone. Sleep well?” I suppressed a shudder.

“Relatively.” I was feeling very awkward right now. “So, where's Spike at?”

“He went out to start on some preventative damage control. So I figured we could eat breakfast together and get to know each other a little better.” I already know too much. “I was actually about to go and wake you up.” Note to self: sleep in pants from now on.

I sat down on one of the little stools as Twilight filled two bowls with the delicious smelling food and levitated them over to the table before sitting opposite me, leaving the cupboard filled with clean bowls open slightly.

“So. What shall we talk about.” Well, this breakfast is going to be uncomfortable all I can think of is- My brain had a just interrupted itself with a brilliant thought. Why should this be uncomfortable for me when I could easily make it uncomfortable for her instead... I could feel my grin awaken from its own slumber. After pouring a fair amount of food straight from the bowl into my mouth I answered.

“How about we speak of things we enjoy doing?” She lowered her head to her own food and ate some before replying.

“That sounds perfect. I enjoy reading, what about you Stone?” I dumped the rest of my food straight down my throat before standing and walking my bowl to the sink behind Twilight.

“I also enjoy reading, but I don't believe I enjoy it quite as much as you do.”

“Oh?” Twilight spoke between small mouthfuls of her own food. “What makes you think that?” I carefully rinsed off my dirtied bowl before setting it in the sink.

“I just get the impression that you may enjoy your reading a little too much...” I pulled two clean bowls from the cupboard and, holding one in each hand with the openings upwards, tested their weight.

“How could you possibly enjoy reading too much?” Oh Twilight, wrong question.

“I think book number six would know.”

“Book number six?” She was genuinely confused. “What do you mea- *Clop*

I brought the bowls together and continued to do so as I spoke.

“Stallions *clop* and *clop* Saddles *clop* book *clop* six.” *clop*... *clop*.... *clop*

Very slowly Twilight turned to face me as realization spread across her face, followed quickly by horror.

“Y-y-you s-saw me....” Her ears pressed flat against her head.

“Oh, nonono. I heard you.” She looked so cute, oatmeal all around her muzzle, chin quivering, tears form- TEARS!? Ohshitohshitohshit I took it too far! “Now, Twilight just calm down, it's not tha-

She ran right out of the room... With a sigh I took off after her just in time to catch sight of her tail end getting off the top of the stairs in the main room. I quickly climbed the stairs and scanned the area for Twilight. It was clearly a bedroom, it had a dresser, a basket full of bedding, and a small bed complete with a unicorn sobbing into a pillow. I walked to the bed and got on my knees next to it.

“Twilight.... Twilight look at me.” The unicorn slowly lifted her head from the pillow and faced me, oh that face makes me feel like such a fuck-head. “Twilight, just calm down, it's not that a huge a deal.”

“It's completely a huge deal! You know I was... was... was...” She buried her face right back into the pillow and muffled the rest. “Oh, I'm just disgusting.”

“Twilight, you are NOT disgusting. It's perfectly natural that every now and again everyo- everypony needs a little release. I myself have been known to toot my own horn from time to time.”

“GAK!” Oh good, now she's gagging on her pillow instead of crying into it, progress. With a little apprehension I placed one hand on her back and rubbed lightly.

“Now there is absolutely nothing wrong with needing to.... 'clop' every so often, just don't do it too much or you'll get shaggy fetlocks.” She looked back up at me, her crying done and a small smirk on her face. I rose back up to my feet and patted off my legs. “I'll leave you alone now so you can... come to terms with this.” I made my way back to the stairs and down them, I could have sworn I heard Twilight whisper something, but I was unable to make it out. Oh well. I sang in my mind as I left the library, Stephen Lynch seemed appropriate, 'well it seems last night I caught Twi spankin' it.....'

Strolling thru town with my hood up I noticed a lot less panic and more ponies on the street. Either the new look really did help calm the ponies or a day without any sort of casualties helped prove I wasn't here to harm them or some combination of the two. Grinning lightly, there was no reason to bother big n stupid so I accepted a stand-in, I walked into what seemed to be a park. There was a simple fountain and some benches, but aside from those it was mostly just a grassy field with some dips and rises, a tree or two breaking up the monotony every now and again.

I was about to just pass by the park without a second thought when something caught my attention. Facing away from me was a teal unicorn with a slightly lighter mane and tail sitting on a bench, now as of lately this wouldn't seem out of place to me in the least except every pony I had seen sitting wasn't truly sitting. Normally they would lay down if enough room was given or just rest their rears while keeping all fours in front of them, but this one was sitting rump on the bench back straight against it. It disturbed me for some reason so I decided to head in that direction, my cloak flapping slightly as I now strode with purpose.

As I approached the bench I decided to take the least subtle approach I possibly could, so without slowing I grabbed the back of the bench and threw myself over it, crossing a leg and keeping an arm on the back of it as I sat. The unicorn quickly turned to face me with wide eyes and an open mouth, I grinned.

“Hello.” The unicorn let out a shriek of terror and darted off. Smooth as a gravel road.

After a shrug I remained on the bench and determined it was a good time to take a break from aimless wandering. About an hour of relaxing later I was getting ready to rise when a leaf drifted lazily onto my lap. Smirking I picked up the leaf by it stem and twirled it between my fingers, it was just a green little everyday tree leaf, nothing special about, no hidden agenda, just a leaf that got caught in the wind. I traced the veins that ran out from the stem with my eyes, focusing on each little fork or turn in them. As I examined the leaf and took in its details I noticed the world was beginning to take on a reddish tint, I quickly shook my head and dropped the leaf. Looking around, everything seemed normal and fine, my vision wasn't tinted and no ponies has changed. Thinking I imagined it I picked the leaf back up and frowned. The edges of it had changed into a dark gray, cautiously touching them I found that they had turned to stone. Focusing on the thought of the leaf I tried to complete the process but only got a headache for my efforts. With a bit of disgust I threw the leaf away from me.

“Look it's Stone!” A high squeaky voice declared.

I turned my head to see who had recognized me and saw three little fillies running towards me. Two I had seen before, Applebloom and Sweetie Belle, but the third I had not met. The unknown filly was an orange pegasus with a pinkish mane and tail who seemed noticeably more worried than the others about running up to me. Smiling warmly I settled back on the bench.

“Why hello there, Sweetie Belle and Applebloom, who's your friend?” The orange one moved forward a bit, clearly trying to not show any fear in front of her friends, cute.

“My name's Scootaloo...” I grinned and Scootaloo backed a way a little.

“Don't worry, I don't bite. Though I wish I could say the same for everypony.” I looked towards Applebloom with a small smirk.

“Ah said I was sorreh!”

“I know, I'm just teasing.”

“You bit Stone?!” There's that voice crack.

“What did he taste like?” Why would you even be interested in that Scootaloo?

“A bit salty actually.” Salty? I licked my arm curiously, yea that is kinda salty...

“Well, now that we have solved the mystery of what I taste like. Might I ask what you little ones are up to exactly?”

“We ain't up ta nuthin, we were just crusadin is all.”

“Crusading?”

“Yea, we're the Cutie Mark Crusaders!” I swear I needed a lozenge just hearing those cracks.

“We're trying to figure out our special tahlents.”

“And earn our cutie marks!”

Hm, cutie marks... I read about those early on, mostly they just got a passing mention as a part of everyday life but one book on magical theories did have a bit to say on them. The book described cutie marks as an image or symbol that would appear on a ponies flank when they discovered not what they were best at, but what truly resonated within their soul as something they could dedicate their existence to. The idea of it scared me, not only was it an identification of your meaning but it was commonly found at a young age, I don't like that kind of absolution. The only other information of worth on the subject was that very rarely cutie marks had changed, but they were in cases of extreme trauma and the pony in question was not the same after it. I shuddered internally at the thought, then smiled back down at the fillies.

“Well, you all have fun with that. And don't hurt yourselves.” The fillies nodded and scampered off.

“See you later Stone!”

“Yea, and ahm sorry again for the other day!”

“Nice meeting you Mr. Stone!”

I chuckled lightly as I stood from the bench and stretched out. Time to roam. I didn't have to walk for long before I found something else to intrigue me. It was a gingerbread house an actual building seemingly made from gingerbread and frosting. It had pink frosted windows, a gingerbread roof with frosting along the edges, and a giant cupcake sitting at it's top. Examining the signs around it, it seemed to be a bakery. I had to go see the inside, there's no way around that, my curiosity demanded I see the inner workings.

Opening the door, I ducked inside as a small bell dinged, there didn't seem to be anypony around. Looking around, the place seemed just like a normal bakery inside, oh well, fancy look on the outside was more than enough. As I was just about to turn around a great blob of pink shot thru a pair of swinging doors and collided into me, knocking me flat on my ass.

“Hello Pinkie, I see you found a way to determine which of my ribs are weakest.”

“Hiya Stoney! Whatcha doin here?” I couldn't help but chuckle slightly, incredibly glad that ponies were light.

“Oh you know, just being sat on by a pink pony. How about you?”

“I work here silly.” I blinked.

“I didn't know that. What do you do exactly?”

“I bake things! And I cater and throw parties!” She bounced on my chest lightly.

“I see.” I carefully hooked my hands under her fore arms and lifted her off me before setting her to the side and standing. They say that to this very day the sound of my spine popping can be heard echoing off the tallest mountains in the land. “Well I don't want to bother you if you're on the job.

“Don't you worry about that, we haven't gotten any orders in today, actually we didn't get any orders in yesterday either.”

“Well don't worry pink one, ponies probably just don't feel like having parties while a monster is on the loose.” So I should probably work harder on making the town less frightened of me, however I do that, just me being in town is bad for some businesses as things stand. “Hmm, Pinkie, you wouldn't know how we could speed up the process of getting the town stop being so scared of me, would you?”

“Actually, I think I know just how we could do that!” Pinkie then put on a grin that scared even me, so naturally I had to match it.

A Stone among flowers

That little punk! There I was hoping that we would enact some devilish scheme or go on an exciting misadventure to endear me to the town, nope. She just rushed me out the door saying she had a plan to take care of everything and for me not to worry. I grumbled my way down the streets of town, betrayed by a pink ball of cotton, I had to find some new way to amuse myself now. As I walked I learned a very important rule for walking among the ponies when you're easily twice their size, look slightly downwards, not straight ahead. I tripped over a group of ponies.

With a certain amount of disdain for gravity I threw myself onto my feet and spun around to see what exactly I fell over top of. Aw, the three of them look so cute in a little pile with their eyes spinning around. The one on the bottom of the pile was light pink with a very light green mane and tail, the second pony up was also a light pink, but with a blonde mane and tail, a white flower tucked behind her ear, the pony at the top of the pile was more of a cream color, but the mane and tail was darkish pink with a lighter pink streak in each. I walked over to the pile of ponies and crouched down.

“Sorry about that, I wasn't watching where I was going. My bad.” The first one to remove themselves from the pile up was the pink with green.

“That's alright, just be more caref- f- f- ful.....

She fainted when she saw me, great.

“Daisy!? What's wro-

Pink and blonde spotted me and fainted right beside pink and green... I looked towards the last one, who had just spotted me with wide eyes.

“You too?”

She nodded just before passing out, swell. I suppose someone is going to blame me for this, whatever did I do to deserve this? Oh wait that's right, petrify half of Equestria is what I did... With a sigh I sat cross legged in front of the three fainted ponies, with any luck they wont just faint again once they woke up.

Ten minutes passed and the first to awaken was the last one that fainted, cream with pink. As she stood she looked right at me and her eyes began to roll back, oh fuck no, I quickly leaned forward and flicked her right on the snout. She shook her head and frowned at me, wriggling her nose.

“Sorry, didn't want you fainting on me again.” The pony slowly nodded but didn't speak, shaking slightly. “So, I'm called Stone-turner, sorry about tripping over you and then making you faint.” The pony nodded again and spoke timidly, clearly scared.

“I'm Rose....” I grinned.

“Well Rose, pleasure to meet you.” Rose sat there, about to say something.

“Why don't we just wait on your friends to wake up, so there won't be any repeat conversations.” The pony nodded once more and sat in silence. It wasn't long before I had to perform nearly the exact same series of events with pink and green, who has the name Daisy, and then with pink and blonde, who I found out was called Lily. “So then ponies, now that you're all awake and have been apologized to. Will you be screaming in terror or fainting again?” They each shook their heads. “Alright then, since I'm sure the three of you would like to get back on your way I shall leave you to your own devices.” I began to stand back up when one spoke.

“So you're not going to eat us?” Lily asked.

“Oh no, I don't eat ponies.”

“Or turn us to stone?” That was Daisy.

“Nope, I really try hard not to do that, but accidents happen occasionally.”

“Or... *gulp* have your way with us?” I choked on my tongue, my teeth, and every bit of air in the vicinity. Thanks for that imagery Rose.

“No! *hack* No, *cough* I would never even consider.” *Gag* The trio of flower themed ponies relaxed noticeably at this.

“Oh, well..” Rose began. “..I guess we just overreacted a little. Since you um...

“Look like a giant monster!”

“Daisy!” Lily scolded.

“What? He does.”

“You still don't just say that to his face.”

“You want me to lie instead?”

“No, just... be nicer about it.”

“Fiiiine.” I just chuckled to myself. Rose rolled her eyes.

“Well Mr. Stone-turner-

“Please, call me Stone.”

“OK, Stone, what exactly is the reason you're in Ponyville?” I sat back down and recrossed my legs.

“I suppose since I don't have anywhere to be I could give you all the rundown on it, if you don't have anywhere more important to go.” They looked at each other before each one nodded and laid down in front of me. Right, story time for ponies. “It all started when I got lost in the woods...”

I spent the next few hours telling them my tale. Sure I left out some lesser details like how I ate meat, I might not have been able to finish my story if I did that, or the exact events of each town. But for the most part I told it all, how I had been lost for a couple days, how I first pulsed, how I survived by hiding in town after town until I was eventually caught by the girls and the Elements, and how Celestia and Luna reeled in my power and sent me along to Ponyville. As I spoke ponies from around the town had slowly been stopping to listen in on my story, some laying down around me, others just standing or flying nearby. By the end of my story I had at least twenty-odd ponies in a semicircle around me, and had to ask a few times for no more questions until I had finished speaking.

“And that night we sneaked ourselves off the train and to the library where I've been staying the night.” The audience of ponies I had gathered gave mixed reactions, some who had arrived to hear most of the tale gave me looks of sadness or pity, others who hadn't heard much before the towns I went slightly mad in still had a bit of fear hanging about them, and others seemed happy that it had a reasonably decent ending. Lily was the first to speak once I had finished.

“So, you were just lost and alone all that time?”

“I guess you could put it that way.”

“You didn't want to petrify anypony?” I shook my head to Rose.

“You actually like 'Stallions and Saddles'?” Lily and Rose just looked at Daisy. “What, it's a trashy romance.”

“Hey, I find it to be quite enjoyable.” The group of ponies that had gathered was split between head nodding and head shaking, it seemed there was some difference of opinion on the issue. “Well, that was my whole story. Make of it what you will, but that's my perspective on this whole monster business.” The crowd that had gathered began to slowly disperse, talking amongst themselves, until it was just myself and the three flower ponies again, the silence was slightly unnerving. “So then-

The three ponies all stood and whispered to each other before coming towards me.

“What're y-

I found myself suddenly in a pony group hug.

“We're sorry for judging you Stone.”

“If you ever need friends don't hesitate to ask us.”

“But right now, we thought you could use one of these.”

I gave a small chuckle as I freed one arm and wrapped it around the ponies lightly, if I knew telling my side of the story would get such positive feedback I'd have done it much sooner. Releasing my side of the hug very shortly after it began I motioned for the ponies to let me get up, they complied.

“Well my new pony friends, I feel I have delayed you from your original destination long enough. Have a wonderful day and thank you very much for giving me a chance.”

The ponies nodded to me and began on their way.

“See you later Stone!”

“Good luck adjusting to Ponyville!”

“Try not to get into trouble!”

I couldn't help but grin, why did everypony think I was gonna get into trouble? Looking upwards I figured it wouldn't be too long before night fell, it must have taken a longer time to tell my story than I thought it would. I decided to try and find my way back to the library before I got lost.

My logic was severely flawed. I was technically lost before I even started to return to the library since I knew nothing of the town's layout. It took me a full two hours to find my way back to that tree of written knowledge, and night had begun it's shift on watching Equestria. I might have gotten back sooner had I asked somepony for directions, but I am still a man damn it! Regardless of all the evidence that pointed otherwise.

Reaching the threshold to Twilight's home I found a note tacked to the door.

'Dear Stone,

Urgent matters have arisen concerning your person. I have already gone to town hall to confront the issue, please hurry there as soon as you can.

Sincerely, Twilight Sparkle.'

Her last name is Sparkle? Oh wait, urgent matters I should be more worried about those. To town hall! Now how do I get there.....

It only took me thirty minutes to find the town hall, mostly because it was the tallest building in Ponyville so spotting it was relatively easy. Walking back towards the door for a second time I stopped mid-step. Now I knew why everypony thinks I'm gonna get into trouble, it's because I just can't do what they would expect. I quietly made my way around the large building looking up at the wall, I had to go completely around the building before I found what I was looking for. The open window was slightly high up, even by human standards, so I had to jump as I grabbed onto its ledge and pulled myself inside. Frowning I peered into the building, it was pretty dark but my eyes were quickly adjusting. Why would it be dark inside? Silently dropping into the room I began to make out the shapes of many ponies in the low light. I felt my grin appear as I began to make out other shapes, long tables with what smelled like snacks, floating ovals with lines leading downwards, and one very poofy pony head along side five others, all crouched down and looking towards the door.

I see your plan now Pinkie, time for one of my own. I sneaked towards the group of six, glad all the pony-blobs in the room were focused on watching the door. Once I got close enough I was able to hear whispering.

“What do ya reckon is takin' em so long?”

“I don't know, he should have gotten my note and been here by now.”

“Do you think he might have gotten lost?”

“That is a possibility, I doubt he has learned his way around town by now.”

“Should we go look for him?”

“But that would ruin the surprise!”

I stuck my head right into the little conversation currently ongoing.

“Who're we talking about?”

Well, there went my eardrums, ponies can scream pretty loud it seems.

The true breakfast of champions

The light came on as the six little ponies screamed in surprise. Blinking until my eyes adjusted, I took a better look at the scene, that is a lot of startled ponies. A large amount of the town was present in the room, many of which I recognized as having attended my little story hour, including the three flower ponies. Putting my grin on I stood up and looked at the six who I interrupted.

“So, I guess you were waiting for me?” Pinkie looked... sad? The pink one can feel sadness?

“Aw, you ruined the surprise.”

“No I didn't, I made it better.” She looked up at me with interest. “Instead of a surprise party, it's a reverse surprise party. I just had to sneak in and surprise everypony else.” She seemed to accept this logic and began bouncing up and down.

“That's a great idea!” I smiled.

“But how the hay did you sneak in, everypony was watching the door!”

“Rainbow, I spent months sneaking thru pony towns, I know how to remain unseen.... mostly.” She huffed at my answer. “But, if you absolutely must know, I climbed in the window.”

“You could have just said that to begin with.”

“But that's not as much fun now is it?”

It was then that music began playing and I excused myself so I could utterly devastate the snack table. Pastries may not be meat, but they are neither fruit nor veggie and as such something I greatly looked forward to. Apparently giving party food a reason to fear the very mention of my name is the same as inadvertently challenging Pinkie to a eating contest. Seriously, how does she eat more than me and still be light enough I could pick her up with one hand? I call shenanigans. Groaning over both my overfilled stomach and bruised ego I decided to actually try and mingle a bit.

Hmm, who to strike up conversation with? There's the white pony with a blue mane and shades, but that's the DJ best not pester a pony on the job. How in the world did that pink pony over there get drunk off plain punch? Whatever, party on little pony, party on... Not really sure what ponies to mingle with I decided to just stick to the ones I know and headed towards Twilight, I should see how she's doing after the little incident this morning.

“Hey, Twilight.”

“Oh, hey Stone.”

“Soooo, umm, you doing better now?” She nodded a little, face slightly reddened.

“Yea, I guess so... It's still a little..
.”

“Embarrassing?” She nodded again. “Well, that can't be helped.” I gently patted her head. “Just don't let it get to you too bad.” I whispered my next words as I crouched down to her level. “And I may have to borrow those books sometime, I've only read the first four.” Twilight just gave a small smirk. “Well then!” I stood and clapped my hands together. “Let's see how well these ponies can handle that jiggling nightmare I call dancing, shall we?”

I strode confidently to the middle of the room where a large group of ponies were already dancing, some of them making me feel much more comfortable about my own dance skills, and then I began to essentially destroy the art that is modern dance. As I began to flail about several of the ponies stopped to watch me, I could tell they found it quite amusing. Then one made a horrible mistake, he laughed. As soon as I heard the laugh I turned to face the offender, he was a light brown earth pony with a brown mane and tail, on his flank was an hourglass. I grinned and stopped all my dancing nonsense to stroll right over to him, he seemed perfectly at ease.

“So, enjoy my dancing?”

“Oh yes actually, that was quite a sight.” I smiled wickedly.

“Care to join me?” Before he could reply I scooped up the pony and began to dance once more, only this time with a very confused pony being swung about. After about a minute of several ponies laughing loudly I set the poor pony down and chuckled. He staggered away, clearly dizzied, and I stepped off the dance floor.

The party continued on for a good while, I spent a fair amount of it just joking around or trying to have a somewhat non-threatening conversation with ponies I hadn't met before. Eventually I had decided to simply relax against a wall and watch the ponies still partying.

“Man, I can't believe I'm going to be living here...” That is when it actually hit me, this is where I was going to live. Sure I had accepted long ago that I would probably never see my own home again, and at this point I didn't much care. My job and everything I owned was surely long gone, and my friends and family wouldn't accept that I lived in a world ran by intelligent ponies for the past several months. But I had always assumed I would spend my days in Equestria on the run, I had never even considered the possibility that I would actually live as a member of a town. Then things began to stir in my head, I would have to find a job, I would have to get some home of my own eventually, I would have to figure out how Equestrian taxes worked, I would either have to never have sex again or stick it in a pony, that last revelation just made me want to cry.

I had gotten so distracted by my internal panic attack I didn't notice the pony approaching me until it spoke.

“Stone? Are you OK?” I shook myself out of it before smiling down at the pony. It was Rose.

“Huh, oh yea, I'm fine.”

“You sure? You looked.. distressed...”

“Yea, I was just planning for life in Ponyville. It's gonna be weird living in a town and not just surviving in it.”

“But, that's a good thing, right? It means don't have to run or hide anymore.” I looked towards the ceiling and nodded lightly.

“It is a good thing, but that doesn't mean it'll be easy to adjust to.” I let out a low sigh and pushed myself off the wall. “Well, there's no reason for me to worry over it, might as well just get used to the idea.”

That's when a pink pony face entered my field of vision.. upside down...

“Hi Stoney! Hi Rose! Whatcha doin all off away from the rest of the party?”

“Hi Pinkie, we were just talking about how I'm gonna adjust to life in Ponyville, how are you upside-

I frowned, she was not in fact upside-down, but was actually standing on my head, bending over to look me in the face. I have no idea how she got up there without my knowledge so I could only assume dark magics were at work.

“Upside-what?”

“Never mind.” I plucked the pony from my head and set her on the ground, Rose just giggled lightly at my interactions with the pink one. I let a small yawn slip out.

“You're not getting tired already are you Stoney?” I shook my head.

“Nah, sleep is for the weak.” This got me a grin from Pinkie and a raised brow from Rose. I let out another yawn, this one much bigger. “OK, I'm a liar. I hate to depart early from the party, but I am apparently weak and therefore sleep is for me. G'night ponies, I shall be leaving for the library.” The ponies each gave me a 'good night' although Pinkie was very disappointed, and I took a full five steps before I turned around. “How exactly do I get to the library from here?”

Rose led me back to the library and, after thanking her, I vaguely remember stumbling down to the basement and passing out on my fake-bed, pants on.

After waking and grumbling thru my morning rituals, I found it to be much earlier in the day than when I usually awake, the sun had barely risen. Nodding to myself I decided to take care of something that desperately needed done, I had to actually learn my way around Ponyville. After several minutes of checking the books on the shelves, and putting them back where I found them, I finally found a map with a somewhat detailed layout of Ponyville.

It was after two hours of intense map study that I heard the sound of hooves on wood, I turned to watch Twilight walk down the stairs, hah, she had bed-mane. With a chuckle I resumed memorizing the map.

“Good morning, Twilight.”

“Good *yawn* morning, Stone. What are doing so early?”

“Learning Ponyville's layout.”

“Why?”

“Because, I keep getting lost.” Twilight giggled at me. My stomach gave me a small grumble just barely audible. “Ah, that reminds me, is there somewhere around here I could find fish or small animals in the wild?” I turned back to face the unicorn.

“Fluttershy takes care of most of the animals in the area, you could visit her.” I shook my head.

“No, those are essentially her pets. They have to be fending for themselves in the wild.”

“Why exactly?”

“I'm not going to lie, I am tired of eating only fruits and vegetables.”

“Well, we have hay and flowers in the kitchen.”

“Twilight, why would I tell you I am tired of eating fruits and veggies after just asking where wild animals are?” I watched her eyes slowly widen. She understood what I meant.

“YOU EAT ANIMALS!?”

“Yes, half of my diet needs to have once been living, but not anything sentient or that anypony would hold an emotional attachment to. I didn't choose this body, but it's the one I've got and it requires meat from time to time. So, do you know where I could find any?” She shook her head then sighed.

“But, I know Fluttershy takes care of some carnivores, maybe you should try asking her if they would share their food with you.”

“I'll try that. Thank you.” I began to rise, but stopped myself. “Um, where can I find Fluttershy?” Twilight pointed me towards a spot outside of town on the map and I set out on my quest for meat...

I stepped off the dirt path connecting the nearby forest to Ponyville and stared at what I assumed to be my destination. This wasn't Fluttershy's home, it was nature's and the pegasus just happened to live in it. I walked across a small bridge over top an equally small stream and towards the door of the cottage, which seemed to be made mostly of a great bush set atop four walls. I knocked gently on the door. After several moments of waiting I tried knocking again. Well damn, I guess nopony is home.

With a sigh I turned to leave. I had only taken a couple steps when something caught my ear. Closing my eyes I focused on trying to hear it again, it was.. humming? Curiously I began turning my head until the sound was more easily heard and started to head towards it's source. I had to walk around to the back of the cottage to find the cause of the humming. I couldn't help but grin.

There was the pegasus I was looking for, and for once she wasn't hiding in her hair. I watched Fluttershy for a little bit, she was humming some tune while she flew about feeding various animals. I would bug her when she finished what she was doing or noticed me, whichever came first. I sat on the grass to wait and it wasn't long before something took notice of me, but it wasn't Fluttershy. Whatever it was, it was pounding on the side of my leg.

I looked down by my leg, there was a small white rabbit, it looked annoyed. I raised an eyebrow as the creature gave me a look laced with disapproval and pointed out towards the road. Just a hunch, but It may want me to leave. With a smile I patted it on the head and resumed watching Fluttershy. The bunny bastard jumped right into my face and kicked me, feisty little guy. He gave me a very dirty look and pointed at the road again, I put on my grin. I knew exactly how to deal with uppity rabbits, I used to own one when I was a little kid, although it wasn't nearly as intelligent as this one seemed to be. Slowly I held up my right hand, index finger extended, and moved it back and forth in front of the rabbit. The bunny tracked my finger closely as I brought it up between his eyes and slowly ran it down to the end of his nose.

The poor rabbit didn't know what hit him, immediately his eyes began to droop. He weakly tried to bring up his front paws to stop me, but it was too late. I repeated the motion until against his will the rabbit laid down and began to breath silently, sleeping like a baby. Carefully I picked up the rabbit with one hand, making sure to keep petting along it's nose with the other, and set it in my lap. From the attitude this rabbit seemed to have, I would not want to stop and let it wake up, it probably wouldn't take long for it to chew my arm off.

I resumed watching Fluttershy, making sure to keep the rabbit asleep in my lap, for about five minutes before she finally noticed my presence. After a small gasp she shyly fluttered towards me, no idea where her name comes from, and began to speak.

“Oh, Stone, what are you do-

She stopped mid-sentence, her eyes widening and her mouth agape when she noticed what was in my lap.

“OH MY GOSH! How did you get to be such good friends with Angel so quickly!?” She sped right up to me, clearly excited beyond what her shyness can contain. “He would never let anypony hold him or pet him, but he's napping right in your lap and letting you pet his nose!”

“He's not quite just letting me pet him...” The pegasus looked both less excited and a bit confused. “See he was giving me a bit of a hard time so I used this little trick I learned from having a pet rabbit of my own a long time ago. I just run my fingers along their nose like I am doing now, and they fall right asleep.” I chuckled lightly. “Although when I stop he'll wake up and probably bite me.” Fluttershy gasped at me.

“Oh no, little Angel wouldn't ever bite somepony, he might get a little rough but never actually hurt anypony.” She smiled. “But I should probably be the first one he sees when he wakes up, just in case.” She gently lifted the rabbit up away from me and placed him on her back, I have no idea how she did that with hooves. “So, um, Stone.. why are you here, if you don't mind my asking, you don't have to tell me if you don't want to.” Angel had begun to stir, and with a yawn spotted me from Fluttershy's back. He gave me the dirtiest look a rabbit has ever given a man.

“Well, I had a couple questions.”

“Questions?”

“Yes, involving the animals around the area.”

“Oh, well feel free to ask me anything... if you want to.”

“Alright then, you take care of most of the animals in the area, correct?” She nodded. “And sometimes these animals happen to need to eat meat?” She nodded again, then spoke up.

“You want to eat some of the meat I feed the animals, right?”

“Yes that is exactly wha- How did you know that I eat meat!?” She flinched at my outburst.

“I saw your teeth back at breakfast in Canterlot when you smiled at me, all of the animals that eat meat have similar sharp ones. It's the reason I was so scared of you back then.”

“Oh, well, sorry if you thought I was gonna eat you or something. I don't eat anything sentient if that helps.”

“You don't need to worry about it, I know a lot of meat eating animals that are really sweet, they can't help what their tummies have to get.” Tummies? Weird little pony.

“Right, so may I please have some meat Fluttershy?” She shook her head.

“Sorry Stone, I don't have any meat. I had to feed it all to a family of sick bears yesterday, they had just the most awful cold. I hope you're not upset.” I sighed and shook my head.

“Don't worry Fluttershy, I'm not upset or anything. I can stand going a while longer without meat, it's just.... inconvenient.”

“Well, um, you can come with me to get some fish for the bears, if don't mind, and we can get some extra for you too. But, um, you have to be very quiet while we do that, if you want to that is.”

“I'll gladly come with you Fluttershy, but why stay quiet?”

“Because, the only place left to check for already dead fish is Froggy Bottom Bog and a hydra lives there, we don't want to accidentally wake him up.”

“Oh, OK. Whenever you're ready, lead the way.”

Fluttershy nodded and after feeding the rest of the animals, she put on a pair of baskets designed to hang on her side while the strap sat across her back and we departed for the bog. It didn't take too long to get there, but it was a fairly silent walk. She was too shy to start a conversation and I didn't know what to talk about. The bog itself was, well it was a bog. Large patches of murky water, semi-solid muck rather than dirt or solid ground, large trees supported by equally large roots sitting atop the water, and enough bugs to make me want to burn the entire thing down. How would one burn down a bog? No idea, but I was willing to learn. We squished our way quietly towards one of the larger bodies of water, both her hooves and my shoes good and muddy.

“So, Fluttershy.” I whispered. “What exactly is the plan for quietly getting fish?”

“Well, I thought I would fly over the water and pick up any that were floating on the surface, and you could go around the edges and get the ones that have washed ashore. If you don't mind. We don't have to do it that way.” I practically had to hurt myself to make out her whispers, she talked quiet enough normally that I don't think she'd wake the hydra.

“That plan sounds fine, let's just no take longer than we have to.”

With a nod we separated and began our own parts of the mission, she flew silently over the lake while I squish squashed my way around it's shore. After an hour of my fun in the mud we regrouped to view our haul. I had collected a full seven fishes that had washed ashore, she found eighteen that were just floating in the water, showoff. I set my fish in Fluttershy's baskets.

“So we all ready to sneak out of here?” She nodded.

“Yes, hopefully we can make it out of the bog safely.”

“Heh, knock on wood.” I lightly knocked my knuckles on the nearest tree three times. In my defense I did not know how rotted that tree was, or that the whole thing would fall back into the water with a very loud splash when I did that. “Oops...”

There was a loud churning coming from the lake, I looked back towards it to see four large serpent-like heads rising from the water. Turning back towards Fluttershy I jerked my thumb over my shoulder towards it.

“That would be the hydra, wouldn't it?” She nodded. “It's probably going to eat us, isn't it?” Another nod. “Would you like to run screaming to the right or to the left?”

“L-l-left...”

“Good choice.”

We took off running in opposite directions, screaming like it would actually help in some way. The ground began to quake fiercely, guess the hydra made it on land, the quaking made it a little difficult to run at first, but that was OK because the quaking was getting.... weaker? OH SHIT IT WENT FOR FLUTTERSHY! I almost fell flat on my face as I stopped and turned around, taking off in a mad dash to catch up to the pegasus and the hydra and do.. something.

“What got something against humans!? Prejudice asshole! Fluttershy, just fly up above, I'll lead it off away from you.”

“I c-cant f-fly! Too Scared! And I won't l-leave you alone!” I am displeased with this response.

I charge after the hydra as fast as I can, not really sure what to do if I reach them. I definitely can't fight the hydra, I more than likely can't reason with it, hell the only thing I could ever really do about confrontation since I came to Equestria was.. turn things into STONE! Aha, I have a way to stop it! Now.. how do I do that? With a frown I thought about what I had done with the leaf back in the Ponyville park and tried to focus just on the hydra. On the way it's four necks bent, the patterns its orange scales formed, the movement of it's long tail as it ran on its two legs. Nothing, well fuck. I better come up with some kind of plan B while I keep trying to petrify the four headed monstrosity. Ooh a rock, that might help somehow. I scooped up a rock roughly the size of my palm and threw it at one of the hydra's heads. I missed the entire barn sized creature by a mile and a half.

“Apparently I am the kind of stupid that can never be fixed.”

I froze in place, my legs locking up from fear. Fluttershy had tripped. My eyes widened and everything seemed to begin moving in slow motion. The hydra stopped and began to lean towards Fluttershy, one of it's mouths opened wide. Fluttershy looked up towards the gaping maw and somehow found the strength to pass out before it could envelop her.

I began to breath heavily as I watched the scene.

“No.”

My heart began to race faster than it ever had before.

“No.”

The hydra's head came down around Fluttershy.

“NO!”

My vision filled with blindingly bright red. Oh look, I got my petrification to work, hooray. I walked towards the hydra as my vision returned to normal, only its four heads and its feet were petrified, the neck, tail, and body were all still flesh. Creepy. I got to the head that had come down around Fluttershy and breathed a sigh of relief, the jaws had completely surrounded her but they had not even come close to touching her. She was slightly curled and perfectly unharmed between a set of giant stone teeth. I reached into the mouth and carefully pulled her out, laying her some ways away from the hydra I went back to the half-statue. Might as well inspect my handy work.

Cautiously I walked under the beast and pressed my hand against its underbelly, it was soft and slightly warm to the touch. I ran my hand along to one of its scales, they were large and felt sturdy. I pulled at the scale and it came free with a small amount of resistance. I dropped the scale as it cut my finger, fucker was sharp. I picked the scale back up from the ground, careful not to cut myself again.

“Hm, it would be almost pretty if it didn't come off something that tried to eat Fluttershy.”

I frowned, this thing next to me had tried to eat Fluttershy. This now immobilized beast had tried to eat a pony. No, not just eat a pony, it tried to eat a pony I knew! It tried to eat one of MY PONIES! I had gotten mad, no mad isn't strong enough, I got fucking furious. I looked towards the hydra's underbelly then back at the scale in my hand, and I decided this thing would not ever be able to try that shit again, even if it did somehow de-petrify.

I.. well I went a tad crazy. I had begun slinging the hydra's own scale madly against its underbelly, leaving large gashes and splattering blood against the ground and myself. I had begun laughing at one point as I swung over and over again, until eventually I had taken one slash large enough that the wound allowed the hydra's entrails to spill out of it and onto me. I didn't care, I just threw the entrails off of myself and slashed apart the bits still hanging out of the hole.

“Oh look at what we have in here.” I pulled the wound open slightly “I see something beat~ing” the hydra's heart was easily seen, it was large and pulsed slowly. “Let's put a stop to that shall weeeeee?” I drove the scale deep into the heart until it ceased its movements. “Look at that, hah, your dead! You tried to make a meal out of one of my ponies and now look where that got you, you'll never eat anything again! You'll probably just be eaten by everything else in this bog, haha. YOU'LL JUST BE NOTHING MORE THAN FOOD! HAHAHAHA!! WHO THE FUCK GETS TO EAT WHO NOW MR. HYDRA!!!?” For emphasis I ripped off one of the looser bits of flesh from the hydra, it was quite a large piece, and chewed it loudly, blood squirting out and running down my face, before swallowing it. “MMMMMM JUST LIKE FUCKING ROAST FUCKING BEEF!! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!”

My laughter started to die down as I heard small movements, I looked towards the source of the sound. It was Fluttershy she had begun to stir. I held my breath, my brain has started working normally again and it knew Fluttershy would probably not handle the current situation very well. Fortunately she did not wake up, but the thought of anypony seeing me like this was enough to snap me back to reality. I went to the nearest lake and dove in, crudely washing off the blood.

Getting out of the lake I looked down at myself, expecting my clothes to be ruined from bloodstains, I was pleasantly surprised. The blood had run off as if the clothing were laminated, I was impressed. Wait, stay focused, be impressed later, get Fluttershy out of the area before she wakes up and sees the horrible mess I made now. Soaking wet and getting cold I walked over to the pegasus and scooped her up. I squished-squashed my way out of the bog and towards Fluttershy's home. This has been a hell of a time just to get breakfast.

In the name of proper hygiene!

Fluttershy was still unconscious when we reached her home. Walking up to her house I carefully used my foot to push open her door, for some reason ponies never seemed to lock their homes, whatever. I ducked into the house, mindful not to bump my pony cargo against the door frame or anything in the home. I took in the details of the room, birdhouses hung from the ceiling, the floor was made of light green wooden planks with a small chair and couch sitting upon it, a staircase led up to the second floor, and animal beds lay all around the room. Oh, and there was a veeeerrryyy displeased rabbit sitting in the middle of the room, glaring at me. I looked from Angel to the Fluttershy I was carrying, then back to Angel. The rabbit didn't need to speak for me to understand that face, it was saying 'This explanation had best be a damn good one'. I smiled sheepishly. *squee* ...THE FUCK WAS THAT!? Hold on, can't go crazy right now, I gotta explain the situation to the angry bunny.

“I am not the one responsible for this. You see, we kinda woke up the hydra at Froggy Bottom Bog.. And Fluttershy may have passed out from the fear of the hydra almost eating her.” The rabbit looked frightened for an instant. “Oh, don't worry. She didn't get injured in any way. And I made sure that hydra will never get the chance to try again.” I had just a tiny bit of anger in my voice when I said that last sentence. “Sooo, where should I set her?” Angel pointed at the couch and with a nod, I placed Fluttershy gently upon it. I hadn't noticed it before, but she was covered in mud from the bog. And looking down at myself, so was I. “Now we just wait for her to wake up.” The rabbit shook his head, before pointing at me and then the door. “Are you sure, I feel I really should be around to see if she's OK.” Angel pointed again, with a scowl. “Alright, alright, I leave her in your paws.” With that I walked back out the door, to have it slammed loudly behind me. I don't think Angel likes me much.

I walked back into town, damn I was exhausted. No more hydra excitement before midday, new rule, no exceptions. It wasn't long before I heard a scream of terror, oh come on, it's been a couple days I thought we were past the screams of terror stage. I looked towards the sounds origin with a sigh, wait, that's Rarity. Why was she screaming? And why was she looking at me with that look of horror?

“What in the name of fashion did you do to yourself, Stone!?” In the name of- oh. I looked down at myself, the clothes I got from her were still covered in bog.

“Ah, that. Well you see, Fluttershy and myself went to Froggy Bottom Bog earlier and we may have had a bit of trouble with a hydra. Things got messy and I guess I wasn't paying attention to what got on my clothes.” I grinned as I spoke.

“A HYDRA!? Nopony got hurt did they?”

“Oh no, everypony came out fine. Things came close for a second but I 'took care' of the hydra so it won't bother anypony anymore.” She raised a brow at me.

“You 'took care' of it?” I nodded, my grin on full stupid. “Well then, I'll not press you for the details, I can tell it's a subject you're trying to avoid.”

“Thank you Rarity.”

“But, we cannot have you meandering about Ponyville, looking like a walking swamp. Come with me.”

“Where too-ahhh”

With a yelp of surprise, I suddenly found myself feeling tingly all over as I was dragged thru town by magic, I guess this was not optional. I sighed as I was taken into the Carousel Boutique, getting many looks of confusion and suppressed chuckles on the way there, and the magic cut out.

“If you walk up the stairs the second door you pass will be the bathroom, you are to wash up in there and leave your clothing outside the door. While you are cleaning yourself I shall clean the swamp from your clothing properly and return them to you when both the clothing and yourself are dry.”

“Uhh....”

“Well? Go on, I have some very important designs to finish and we can't waste all day on teaching you proper cleanliness.”

I could only nod, dumbfounded, as Rarity trotted into another room. I think I was essentially kidnapped by a unicorn so proper hygiene could be forced upon me.. Why am I the weirdest thing town again? I marched up the stairs, much like a scolded child would, and entered the bathroom.

The amount of smells that entered my nostrils almost knocked me out. There were perfumes, disinfectants, shampoos, it was a vast assortment of aromas and it made me frightened. This was not my domain. Removing my mud suit and laying it outside the bathroom door, which I then closed and latched, I turned and pulled back the curtains on the bathtub. There was something hanging from the shower head.

My brain slowly processed the information presented before it, it was a saddle. Now, in Equestria saddles serve very few purposes, one of which was to compliment a fashionable outfit and pull a look together, the other is to keep ponies warm in the wintertime or just when it felt chilly. This saddle was for neither of those purposes. This was clearly a saddle designed for the notorious third purpose like those in 'Stallions and Saddles', don't ask me how I can tell the difference as I have read some things humans should never be unfortunate enough to read in Equestria. I let loose the second largest shudder I ever have. The mental imagery I got from both knowing what the saddle was for and that it belonged to Rarity was too intensely horrifying.

Stepping into the tub, I ignored the saddle of nightmares and the trauma that would be scarred into my mental eye as I turned on the water and washed myself. As I got my body cleaned, though it was too late for my mind, I noticed something was off. And it wasn't just how strong this soap designed for pony fur was, I was completely uninjured. I don't mean to say my general state was one of extreme injury, but I knew I had accumulated many small cuts and scrapes from my time on the run, and I knew I had cut my hand on the hydra scale earlier. Not one injury was present. In fact my skin looked almost completely flawless, BEST SOAP EVER. Happily, I scrubbed myself with an extra layer of soap and took my time rinsing off.

I found myself a towel and dried off as best I could before wrapping it tightly around my waist and ensuring it would stay there on its own, damn thing was smaller than I would like but at least it covered my boys. I walked down the stairs back to the main entrance, noticing my clothes were no longer in front of the bathroom as I went.

“So Rarity, what's the E.T.A. on my clothes?” I heard her call from the other room.

“What was that Stone?”

“How long till I don't have to walk around half-exposed!?”

“What in Equestria are you talking about?” She poked her head into the room.

“Well, I don't enjoy wearing a towel around my waist.”

“Then take it off.”

“What would I wear then?”

“ You could just not wear anything. Honestly, even I don't get so fussy over being clothed.”

“Hubabglubpfffbt.” Even the English language has abandoned me at this point.

“Come again?”

“Never.” I adopted a bit of venom into my voice. “No pony shall ever see me fully disrobed.”

“Come now, are you really THAT self conscious?” I moved towards the unicorn, deciding to put it in the most blunt terms I could. Whispering right next to her ear.

“Humans do not have sheaths.” She didn't seem to understand immediately, but she quickly caught on.

“So that means you've been covering your.. oh... OH... I'll be right back, let's see if we can't make those clothes dry a little faster.” She ran back into the other room, face reddened.

Well, that worked. Now we play the waiting game, joy. I sat my rump on the floor of the boutique and twiddled my thumbs, feeling too exposed. It was boring.

There was a sudden 'ding', I guess that would be a customer.. and I am sitting half naked on the floor.. classy. I turned my head towards the door, hey that's- OH DAMN SHE'S RIGHT IN MY FACE!

“AHA! I KNEW IT!!” She ran right back out, the door slamming shut behind her.

“Pinkie...?” With a frown I spun on my ass to face the door, watching it like a hawk.

“Stone!?” Rarity shouted from the other room. “Is somepony there!?”

“Pinkie came in for a second, but she rushed out the door as soon as she saw me! Said something about 'knowing it'!”

“Knowing what!?”

“Damned if I know! I'm just gonna assume it's some sort of Pinkie thing!” I heard the clip clop of hooves and spun back around. Rarity was walking back into the room, with my dry clothes floating behind her, yay less nudity!

“That is probably a safe assumption to make.” She levitated my clothing over to me and after several seconds of me twirling my finger in a circle, she got the idea to turn around so I could dress myself somewhat privately.

I quickly pulled on the clothing, possibly setting some speed records as I did so, and informed Rarity I was now covered. She turned back to face me.

“Well, you certainly do clean up rather nicely.”

“Why thank you, Rarity.” I nodded lightly at her. “And thank you for cleaning my clothing.” Even if I had no choice in the matter...

“Think nothing of it.” *click clack click clack* What the fuck is- “Now please, do try not to get them dir-

I held up my hand to cut her off. *click clack click clack*

“Do you hear that?” *click clack*

“Hear what?” *click clack*

“It's Coming!” *click clack*I turned towards the door and planted myself firm. It would not bring me down. *click clack*

“What's coming!?” *clickclackclickclakclickclack*

“COME AT ME PONY!”

My cloak whipped wildly about as the door to the boutique flew open, a certain pink pony flying in from the outside and right towards me, hooves extended, reaching forwards. My intellectually challenge grin found it's way into the action. Time almost seemed to slow to a crawl, this would be a battle of might. The unstoppable pink pouncer or the standing Stone, the next instant would decide which would stand proudly in victory.

I did not like my odds in the least, so, I turned my body and took a step back away from the line of fire.

“Rarity, you have a guest.”

“Wh- OOMPH

Pinkie Pie soared right across the space my chest had been occupying a moment before, and arced down into the unfortunate and baffled unicorn. They were both sent tumbling one over the other into the next room. A crash was heard. Flying pink pony straight to the marshmallow fluff, what a sad way to go.

I smiled as I looked towards the back room, I was about to head that way to inspect the damage when an exasperated sigh stopped my progress. I spun on my heel to face the source of the sound.

“Twilight! What are you doing here, you purple pony of knowledge.” She gave me a raised eyebrow in reply.

“I'm actually here to find out what happened to you and Fluttershy this morning.” Fluttershy stepped into view slightly behind her. “And why Fluttershy came to me so panicked she could barely speak beyond asking if YOU were OK.”

“Fluttershy! You feeling alright now?” She nodded at me. “You didn't tell Twilight what happened?” She shook her head. “Why... aren't you speaking?” She looked down. “Still scared?” Head shake. “Lose your voice?” Shake. “Traumatized?” Shake. “Embarrassed?” A nod. “Is it because of what happened in the bog?” Another nod. “Aww, Fluttershy. It's not because of something as small as passing out in the face of mortal danger is it?” A nod.

“MORTAL DANGER!? What the hay happened this morning!?” I don't think Twilight is very happy with the idea of Fluttershy and mortal danger going together.. actually I'm not very happy with that idea either.

“Well Twilight, we had gone to the bog to collect fish when-

“Whatcha need fish for Stoney!?” HOLY HEART ATTACKS, Pinkie popped right up in front of me. Fuck the Elements of Harmony, Pinkie Pie wields the element of surprise and it is doing a much better job of bringing my death day ever closer.

“Pinkie... *gasp* Has anypony ever told you that you need a bell tied around you?”

“Several have actually.. but what does that have to do with fish?” I shook my head.

“Nothing at all, just have a seat and I'll explain both my need for fish and what happened at the bog... As soon as my life finishes flashing in front of me.” The three ponies before me sat in a nice little row, awww-dorable, and as I began to recount the events of the day Rarity stepped in from beyond my field of vision and joined the row, looking both worse for wear and rather displeased. “Right, it began this morning when I noticed my diet was lacking in a particular food group..”

I recounted the day's activities from my venturing to Fluttershy's home to Rarity dragging me to be cleansed of the bog filth. Upon mentioning the fact I wanted the fish to eat them, Rarity looked as though she would lose her own breakfast, and Pinkie went deep into thought... I don't even want to know what she could be thinking of. When my tale reached the part where Fluttershy was about to be eaten I was forced to.. lighten my exaggerated story methods, the poor pegasus looked like she was going to pass out again from the memories. Quickly moving past that part, I left out the exact details of what I did to the hydra leaving them to believe I only turned it to stone, I finished up with how I carried Fluttershy back to her home and Angel hurried me out of it.

“..And that is when I came back into Ponyville and you spotted me, Rarity.” The ponies were silent for a few moments before Twilight decided to be the first to speak.

“So, are we going to have to worry about these sorts of things often?”

“What do you mean?”

“The sorts of things you seem to have brought with you when you came to Ponyville. Panic, random rainbooms, hydras, it just seems like things have been getting overly exciting exceedingly fast.” I could only shrug with my reply.

“Well, hopefully it won't be a recurring problem. Ponies are getting more used to me, the hydra was dealt with and I have no plans of ever doing another jumper cable to Rainbow Dash. Once I get into the swing of things and figure out how exactly I am going to be spending my life in Ponyville things should become relatively calm.” Pinkie decided to add her own opinion on the matter at this time.

“Or we could all wind up going on some crazy adventures one after another until Stoney has to make a decision that would separate him from us forever and only leave us with memories of our time together..” We all just stared at Pinkie for a moment. “I hope that part doesn't happen.” I shook my head lightly.

“Me too, Pinkie, me too.” I smiled lightly as my stomach decided to speak for a change, it was not pleased with only having a mouthful of hydra, regardless of its roast beefy flavors.

“Oh! Umm.. Stone.” I looked down at Fluttershy and noticed for the first time she still had her little saddle baskets on her back. “Well, umm.. I noticed when I woke up that you hadn't taken any of the fish for yourself, and well there's more than enough for the bears, and since it sounds like you're hungry.” She motioned her head towards her saddle baskets and sure enough there was fish still in them. “You could have some for yourself.”

“Why thank you, Fluttershy.” I carefully pulled a fish from one of the baskets as I patted the pegasus gently on the head with my other hand. “You're such a nice little pony.” She hid under her hair slightly.

“Why do you keep doing that?” I looked at Twilight.

“Doing what?”

“That thing, where you place your paw on a pony's head.” I frowned and glanced at my palm.

“It's not a paw.. It's a hand. And the reason I pat ponies... well I'm not really sure, I wouldn't pat another human's head, but with ponies it just.. feels right.”

“Well I wonder what would give you that impression?”

“I'm not sure, Rarity.” Probably because ponies are just animals on earth and I love petting animals, best not mention that, not sure how well the idea of non-intelligent ponies would go over. “But if it bothers any of you I'll try to restrain myself from doing it.”

“Oh no, I don't mind at all. It actually felt.. nice.”

“Yea, Stoney. Besides, what's the point of having those hand-thingys if you don't use them for what feels right?”

“I would ask before placing a hand on just anypony. I'm not sure they would all enjoy being fondled by a strange creature without warning.” I chuckled at the image that put in my mind.

“I'll keep that in mind, Twilight.” I idly looked at the fish in my other hand and resolved to eat it raw and someplace out of the way later. Don't want to freak out ponies that don't know me, and I doubt anypony would want me to just meat up their vegetarian kitchens. I frowned for a moment as a thought passed thru my mind. “Speaking of hands, how do you ponies get by without them?”

“What do you mean, Stone?”

“Well, I understand that you unicorns have magic to manipulate objects, but how do pegasus or earth ponies handle things that can't be put in the mouth?”

“Stoney you silly, we just use our hooves.” Pinkie then proceeded to take my fish from me with one of her hooves and held it up. “See?” The fish was just hanging by the tail, no visible force holding it against gravity.

“That- that raises more questions than it could possibly have answered.. but I'm just not going to bother asking them. Since I feel it would cost me what little sanity I have remaining.” I carefully took my fish back from the pink pony. “So Rarity, if you don't mind my sudden leave after you so generously got me cleaned up” Even if it was forced upon me. “I am going to take this outside Ponyville and eat it. I don't want to offend anypony with my meat eating ways.”

“Oh, you don't have to leave town to eat. It would be no problem at all if you were to have lunch in my kitchen, Stone. I understand that you have no control over what your body requires, be it other creatures or the most perfect of gemstones.” She almost seemed to tear up as she mentioned gemstones. “Just.. try not to make a mess.”

“Let's all have our lunches now! We can't just leave Stoney to eat all alone.”

“That's a wonderful idea, you're all more than welcome to stay for lunch. If you don't mind sandwiches that is.” The ponies each thanked Rarity for offering lunch and accepted her offer, though some were more reserved than others about not wanting to impose, and we followed Rarity to her kitchen so we could chow down.

We sat around a small table in Rarity's tidy kitchen, each pony having a sandwich composed of leafy things and flowers while I had my fish. The ponies each had one eye on me while they ate their food, I guess they were curious. I was completely unsure of how to go about eating a fish uncooked, uncleaned, and with all the organs still in it, much less how to do so without making a mess or looking like some sort of uncivilized primitive. Who the fuck am I kidding? I am an uncivilized primitive, I bit right into the flesh of that succulent little bastard and I wolfed it down in under a minute. I looked up from my finished meal, surprisingly nothing had gone flying and every last bit of the fish had gone into my mouth, to see that my pony pals were sufficiently horrified.

“What? It was tasty.” I ran my tongue over my teeth absentmindedly and frowned, that's weird, I ran my tongue back across my teeth again. They felt perfectly normal that time, but for a second there I could have sworn they were.. different.

Each pony went back to eating their own meals, unaware of my dental dilemma. Judging from the careful slowness with which they ate, I think I may have killed their appetites, oops. I twiddled my thumbs under the table and watched the ponies eat their flowery food, curiosity coming over me.

“So, what do flowers taste like to you ponies?” They each looked at me with a slightly confused expression before Fluttershy was, surprisingly, the first to speak.

“What do you mean, do you think they would taste different for us?”

“That's exactly what I think. I mean to me, flowers mostly taste like bitter dirt. But that couldn't possibly be the case for you ponies or you wouldn't seem to enjoy eating them so much... Unless you ponies like the taste of dirt.. you don't, do you?” The ponies all quickly shook their heads and assured me that none of them enjoyed the taste of soil. “So then, they must taste differently for you. How would you describe the taste of flowers?”

“Well.. What flowers, Stone?”

“Yea silly, they don't all taste the same.”

“That makes sense, I guess. So to you, flowers are like an entire food group?”

“Precisely, roses are sweet and daffodils are tart.”

“ I see. Well in that case, what are your favorites?”

“Ooh, chocolate covered roses, definitely chocolate roses.” Pinkie started salivating onto the table. Rarity looked at the drool in disgust.

“Yes, well personally, I prefer a nice carnation on a bed of lettuce.”

“I.. um.. well I like pussy willow the most.. I think.” I could barely keep myself from laughing at poor Fluttershy. “Is.. is something wrong with that?” I shook my head, my laughter about to burst forth.

“Noth- *snrkt* nothings wrong at all *pfftha* Fl-Fluttershy.” I swallowed down my laughter and put on my stupid grin for a moment. “There's no shame in liking pussy.. willow.” I hunched over, snickering to myself.

“Oh, OK then Stone, but why are you-

I looked towards Fluttershy to see her eyes widen and her pupils shrink to mere pricks, she must have realized what she said. Her entire coat changed to match Pinkie's and she hid herself under the table with an *eep*.

“Fluttershy, Stone, is there something here I'm missing?” Twilight gave us each a confused expression.

“No Twilight, there's nothing at all...” My snickering slowly died down. “What's your favorite flower? Please don't tell me it's two-lips.”

“Actually yes, I love the taste of tulips.” That is my breaking point, I fell backwards off my little stool.

“BWAHAHAHA!” I clutched my sides and rolled back and forth on the floor, laughing my dumb ass off. From floor level I could clearly see Fluttershy under the table, her hooves held over he muzzle, she was lightly giggling despite her strong blush.

“Hey, I think I get it!” Pinkie giggled lightly. “Oh Stoney, you have a naughty mind.”

“Pinkie, darling, what exactly is it that you get?” I heard a light whispering from my spot on the floor. “OH MY, Stone. I am quite shocked at you.”

“What in the hay is everypony talking about!?”

“Don't worry about it Twilight.” I chuckled a little more as I pulled myself back up to the table. “I'll tell you about it when you're older. Although your taste in reading tells me you may be mature enough to understand now.” She quirked an eyebrow at me for a moment just before I could see the understanding come over her.

“UGGGGHHH” She face-hoofed. “You have to be most juvenile creature I have ever encountered.”

“You mean I'm more juvenile than Pinkie? OH FUCK YEA! In your face pink one!” Pinkie let out a gasp.

“Nooo, not in my face! I need that for cupcake eating!”

Our merriment and general bullshittery continued on for several more minutes, until Fluttershy declared that she was overdue on giving the animals their lunches and departed an apology for 'ruining the fun' even though we all assured her it was perfectly fine.

“I should be going too, I am suppose to be working today. *giggle* See ya Twilight, see ya Rarity, see ya Stoney.” Pinkie hopped on out of the boutique. It wasn't long after Pinkie's departure that Twilight and myself took our leave, Rarity had work to be done and we didn't want to keep her from her job.

I frowned silently at the ground as we walked, thoughts of what I would do with my new life began to play around. Twilight was librarian, Pinkie was some kind of baker or party planner or something like that, Rarity was a.. seamstress? Is that the word for it? Fluttershy had to be a veterinarian or something, there was no way wild animals paid her... Or did they? I furrowed my brow, each pony I had met seemed so sure of their role in life, so completely satisfied with their jobs and balancing between them and their lives, must have something to do with those cutie marks they get. What the candy coated hay was I suppose to do for a job in a land where I had no applicable skill sets? Did I just use hay in place of a swear? Damn, I've been warped. I frowned deeper as I continued to walk beside Twilight.

“ohr eoi uc, Stone” I blinked out of my thoughts as I registered my new name, maybe I should tell them my real one... nah, I like my cool title-name.

“I'm sorry, what did you say Twilight?”

“Are you OK, Stone? You look.. upset.” I quickly replaced my frown with a sad attempt at the stupid grin.

“I'm fine Twilight, I was just thinking.”

“What about?”

“Well, I was trying to come up with a plan for how to earn my place in life.” I sighed. “But I don't exactly know where to begin. I don't have anything like a cutie mark to tell me what I'm best at, and the skills I know that I have can't really be applied to anything here in Equestria.” I dropped my pathetically fake grin. “I'm just worrying over dumb things.”

“Stone, it's not a dumb thing. Actually I'm surprised you're worrying about something like a job.” I tilted my head at her. “I thought you were some big foal that didn't care enough to worry about those kinds of things. No offense.”

“None taken, wait.. how old exactly do you think I am?”

“Well I don't know how your kind matures, but if I were to guess in pony years I'd say between fifteen and seventeen.”

“And how long do ponies live on average, to put that into a perspective?”

“If you don't include the princesses, ponies live to be at most a decade past one hundred and reach full maturity between the ages of twenty and thirty.”

“Humans are actually the same way, kind of weird if you consider how different we are physically.”

“So how old are you?”

“I am twenty-four years of age.” She sputtered on air.

“WHAT? You're older than I am!? But you're so.. so...

“Immature?”

“YES!” I chuckled at her reaction.

“That's the thing with the males of my species, we don't stop being kids. We just get better toys.” I put on a genuine grin this time. “So, does the purple unicorn before me have any ideas on where I could starting earning cash moolah?” She quirked an eye.

“I'm going to assume you mean bits, and I do have an idea on where you can get started in the right direction. Follow me.”

She started off down one of the side streets at a quick trot and I quickly adjusted my pace and direction to keep up with her. Maybe by the end of today I'd at least have a direction to point my life in.

Stone for Hire

I frowned at the limited options before me. Twilight had led me to a bulletin board in the town square before she returned to the library. Apparently it was a help wanted board and Ponyville did not want much help. Hmm, help wanted to clear the skies on weekends. Maybe if I learned to control my powers.. images of giant falling cloud rocks filled my mind. No, but if I ever have to crush a really big bug, I will be leading it under a cloud. Let's see what else is there, taxi puller needed.. nah don't know enough to get around town quickly yet. Delivery pony needed, same issue. Enhance your stallion-hood in ten easy- NO! I don't even think this is the place for that kind of poster. Oh ho ho what is this? 'Somepony capable of resolving disputes needed, must be large and intimidating. Contact one of the Brew Brothers at the Salted Stallion anytime during normal business hours.' I'm not a great mediator, but I can solve arguments much better than I can clear a cloud. And I am considered large and intimidating to the ponies, this one may just be what I'm looking for.

“Hah! This one looks promising!” Several ponies in the square stopped their normal routine to take a glance at me or raise an eyebrow. “OOGA BOOGA BOOGA!” I waggled my fingers menacingly at the ponies who looked towards me. Many of them quickly took off, scared, but several others just had a quiet laugh and continued on their way. I am definitely making progress.

WHERE THE FUCK IS THE SALTED STALLION!? I followed the fifth set of directions I received to another dead end. Apparently everypony knew of the Salted Stallion and how to get there, but not a single one knew how to actually give directions to the damned place. An older pony had even told me that in order to get there I had to 'have my heart broken by a pretty young mare with more sass than class and if I moped sadder than a featherless griffon I would find my way there'. That's helpful.

I had begun to aimlessly roam the streets in search of the Salted Stallion, I couldn't find it with directions anyway. Fifteen minutes later and there I was, in front of a large wooden structure that had an air of 'this is a tavern' floating about. I assumed it to be the Salted Stallion from the sign with a salt shaker being levitated over a pony, that or it was a meeting place for cannibals anonymous. I took a deep breath and smacked my nose into the front door, damn thing was a pull. Grumbling and rubbing my hand against my face, I pulled the door open and strode inside the building. I don't even understand why ponies would have doors swing in one direction, they aren't exactly capable of easily pulling a door with their hooves and twisting the knob would be difficult with their mouths. Maybe it was some sort of sobriety test? If you can't pull open the door, you're already drunk enough.

I shook off my thoughts as I took in the interior of the tavern, whoa, I wasn't really surprised to find the place very much resembled a bar. Long counter with pony patrons, tables in the middle with booths in the back, stairs leading to who knows where and dingy looking bathrooms, I had expected all of that. But something had surprised me, it wasn't anything tangible it was more of a feeling.. the atmosphere of the place maybe. It didn't feel like Equestria, in truth I had barely noticed it until I was in this world for a week, but everywhere the air felt more.. at peace. This place right here though.. it felt like Earth. I wanted to get this job badly, whatever dispute resolution these 'Brew Brothers' needed, I wanted to be their go-to Stone, the air in here just feels so much like home.

I spent about half a minute standing in the doorway like an idiot before I decided it would probably be a good idea to ask the bartender or somepony if I could speak with the 'Brew Brothers' about this job opportunity. I moved towards to the bar, nodding to anypony that stared at me, which was most of them.

“S-something I can do for you, s-sir?”

I looked over the counter at the frightened bartender-pony, he was moderately size pony with a sort of speckled gray coat and a well kept black mane, I could just barely make out a horn under his mane, but that doesn't matter for this pony had the greatest thing I have ever seen on a pony. This pony had a magnificent facial decoration, this pony had a mustache. A great manly or maybe stallionly mustache, nice and thick, that followed his muzzle and wrapped itself clear around his ears. Why would this pony fear anything when he had such a powerful tool at his disposal?

“Why yes, yes there is my good stallion. I was wondering if I would be able to speak with the Brew Brothers about their poster on the help wanted board.”

“Y-you want the job!?” I nodded. The pony looked me up and down several times and then broke into a grin that actually freaked me out a bit. “Ohoho this is gonna be great, I can't wait to see their faces. Quickly go down the hall behind that door and wait in the room at the end of the hall. I'll go get your interviewers.” The pony quickly went around the counter and trotted up the stairs.

“Well.. alright then..” I followed the directions I was given to a very business centered room, large desk, lots of paperwork... no chairs.. I sat my ass on the ground, leaned back against a wall, and waited. I closed my eyes to relax while waiting.

“Feast..”

Huh?

“Feeassst...”

What?

“FEAST!”

I jerked myself away from the wall and quickly got to my feet, my eyes now open and searching the area. Still in the office, nopony around. I must have fallen asleep. I shook my head, that was.. weird. Voices began to drift in from beyond the door to the office.

“So who exactly is it that wants the job?” Well they sound very important, definitely one of the Brew Brothers.

“I said you'll recognize and that's all I'm saying.” That's the bartender's voice..

“But Stale, why are you being so secretive?” A third voice, must be the other brother.

“Micro, I want to see the look on both of your faces. I doubt you'll find anypony as intimidating as our applicant.”

“I won't believe it till I see it, unless you tell me our mystery applicant is Big Ma-a-a-aaaaaa-”

The door to the room opened to reveal three unicorn ponies, one of which being the bartender. I put on my expression of the eternal imbecile and gave a little wave. The large unicorn in the back, who looked very much like a brown rhino wearing a dirty blonde wig and his horn in the wrong place, seemed as though he would faint on the spot.. I was not going to rush forward and catch him if he did, that big boy might crush me. Meanwhile the somewhat short unicorn in front, bright yellow coat with a leafy green mane, could only continue to repeat the same 'ah' sound as his mouth moved open and shut. I stopped waving as the door was covered in a light orange glow and slammed itself shut.

“Why the hay is the Stone-turner in my office!?”

“That's our applicant!”

“You're joking.”

“Honest truth.”

“Why in Equestria would the Stone-turner be applying to work?”

“Maybe we should ask him that during the interview.”

“R-right..”

“You're afraid aren't you?”

“NO!”

“Then let's go get this over with!”

“No wait, STALE!”

The door to the office swung back open and the bartender pony led the other two unicorns into the room. The mustachioed pony then spoke.

“Sorry about the little wait there, I just had to get my brothers so we could conduct a proper interview.”

“Don't worry good sir, I can wait longer or come another time if you need.” Smile, maintain eye contact, be polite, don't fuck this up.

“No no, now is just as good as any other time.”

“Alright.. umm.. do I have to fill out any sort of application or something?”

“No you don't need any sort of paperwork. This will be a simple chat between us and you to see if you qualify for the position.”

“OK...”

“So let's start with introductions!”

“Right, I'm the Stone-turner. Pleasure to meet you, sirs.”

“And a pleasure to meet you as well Mr. Turner”

“Stone, if you'd please.”

“Mr. Stone. And you may call me Stale, short for Stale Brew. These here are my brothers, Strong Brew” He motioned to the smaller unicorn, who had begun to rapidly look me up and down.“and Micro Brew.” The larger pony began shaking as I looked towards him. I politely said hello to each pony. “Now that introductions are out of the way, how do you feel that you are qualified for this job, Mr. Stone.”

“Err... Well, I get the impression that I am large and intimidating for ponies on a regular basis.. and I feel that I could mediate disputes if I tried.”

“Do you understand what kind of job you are applying for, Mr. Stone.”

“Not.. one-hundred percent.”

“*sigh* We need somepony who can restrain rowdy customers and remove them from the building before they can cause injury to themselves or another”

“Or break more furniture” Strong Brew felt the need to add to the conversation.

“You mean to say you have ponies with violent tendencies?”

“Normally no, but over these past couple months we have had to spend more bits on repairs than we've had to in the past three years. But that is beside the point, are you capable of restraining ponies?”

That was a good question, I could easily lift a pony. And they were still somewhat scared of me, so they probably wouldn't give me too much trouble if I told them to get out. Yea I could definitely do this job, if I get it, I think.

“Yes, I believe I am perfectly capable of restraining ponies.”

“Excellent! Now show us your best intimidating face...”

The rest of the interview went fairly smoothly. I was asked several questions, all by Stale since for some reason Strong and Micro elected not to speak, that I figured they were using to judge my personality.. or would they call it ponyality? Either way at the end of it I was informed that I had the job starting tomorrow, woo. Walking out of the tavern and making my way in the direction I thought would take me to the library, I decided to go over the details of my new job in my mind. I would be paid 6 bits an hour, I assumed that was reasonable for this kind of work, and would be working from five in the afternoon to midnight. I had Sundays and Mondays off and was told that along with an employee discount on food and drink I would be allowed two free drinks a night, one for myself and one to give away. I was one step closer to being a functioning member of pony society.

I looked around, paying attention to my surroundings for a change, I had somehow found my way into the park on the opposite end of town from the library.

“Fuck.”

I let out a small sigh and took a look around to see if I recognized anypony in the park, maybe I could just get somepony to lead me back to the library since I am apparently hopeless with directions. Hmm, there's Rainbow sleeping in a tree.. Nah don't want to wake her just because I'm lost as hell. Hey that's my dance partner from the party over there.. Wait, he looks like he's having a picnic with somepony, ooh that looks like a date. Good luck with that gray pegasus my unnamed dancing buddy, I shall find somepony else to disturb. Aha, there's that teal unicorn again! And she doesn't seem occupied with anything other than sitting, maybe I can get her to show me the way to the library and satisfy my curiosity at the same time. Assuming she doesn't scream and run off again.

About fifteen feet from the unicorn she noticed I was strolling towards her. Aw, she's panicking. The unicorn's eyes had widened to an almost comical degree, and she was visibly shaking on the park bench.

“Oh come on, I can't still be that scary. I've been here for a couple days and I haven't intentionally destroyed anything. Besides we've technically met before and I didn't do anything sinister then did I?” The unicorn seemed to relax slightly as I continued approaching, but not by much. “Here, let's start out on nice civil foo- hoofing?” I held out a hand to offer a shake, forgetting completely that I would need to figure out how one shakes a hoof with a hand. “I am called The Stone-turner, it's a pleasure to meet you.” The pony just stared at my hand for a moment before her eyes actually doubled in size and her mouth dropped into a slightly opened position. “Um, little teal pony.. Are you OK?”

“It's.. It's beautiful.....” The pony was speaking barely above a whisper.

“Huh?”

“C-can I really touch it?”

I looked from the pony to my hand then back again. This pony clearly saw something interesting about my hand. Every time I think this weird world seems a little more normal I get one of these damned curve-balls. I would probably regret my next words.

“Yes you can, miss?”

“ Lyra” She gently grabbed my hand between her hooves and began to run the edge of one in small circles along my palm. “What do you call one of these?”

“It's my hand...”

“Haaaaannnnd...” Lyra sighed dreamily.

“Yes.. Hand.” I felt an odd tingling as the unicorn began to magically clench and open my fist for me and 'tested' the range of my finger's movement. Ow. “Lyra.” I carefully pulled my hand back away from her and was thankful the odd tingle stopped. “Let's try not to break my hand, please?”

“OK.” Her ears drooped and she made a genuinely sad face. “I'm sorry.” Great now I get to be both weirded out and feel like the bad guy, damned adorable ponies. I cracked my knuckles in slight annoyance at being unable to win. “They.. they can make music too?” Her ears had perked back up.

“Wha- no not really...” This little unicorn was really starting to make me uncomfortable. “Unless you really stretch the definition of music.”

“Oh..” Her ears dropped back down and she made a very pathetic looking face.

“Ugh.” With a defeated groan I held my hand back out. She quickly let out a squeal of glee and went right back to examining my hand and feeling it up, this is fucking awkward.

After a short while she got it in her head she needed to know more about my hands and had begun to ask questions, mostly about things like what the bits splitting off it were, or what the hard parts were, or what kinds of bones and muscles were in it. Eventually I had enough of the oddness.

“ Look, Lyra, I would love to.. continue whatever this is, but it is starting to get late and I feel I should get back to where I'm staying before the sun sets.”

“Oh.. OK....” There was that sad pony face again.. DAMNIT! *sigh*

“If you want, you can walk with me to the library and ask more questions.”

“Really!?”

“Lead the way.” I motioned towards the park exit and she quickly got onto all fours.

I made several internal cheers as we reached the library. The walk had been.. interesting. The whole way I had to answer more hand related questions, which wasn't so unnerving as the fact that Lyra kept 'accidentally' stumbling or tripping and each time ended up nuzzling against my hand as she fell into me. The first time was cute, the tenth time it was just creepy.

“Well then, here we are.” I quickly strode towards the door. “It was nice to meet you and our walk was.. different, but this is where we should part ways.” Once more with that accursed sad face, GRAAAGH. “But maybe we'll see each other again soon, it is a small town after all.” I then did something I probably should not have even attempted, I reach towards the unicorn and I gently scratched behind her ear... Well fuck me, she just passed out. Eyes rolled back, tongue lolled out, leg twitching, grin stupid enough to pass for mine, passed out in the dirt. Fucking hand fetish pony. I SHOULD probably have done what any decent person would do and took her inside the library, instead I did what any sane person would do and whistled nonchalantly as I squeezed my way inside and pretended fiercely that I had nothing to do with the unconscious pony outside the front entrance.

“Hey Stone.” Twilight looked up from a book she was reading while situated at a small work desk to the side of the room. “How did the job searching go?”

“I HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH IT!” I spread my arms across the library door, my subtlety surpassed only by my lack of sound judgement.

“Nothing to do with what exactly?” I got a raised eyebrow from Twilight.

“Err... OH! I managed to get myself a job today!”

“Really! That's great news!” Distraction successful. “What will you be doing?”

“I am going to be......... A drunk dumper at the Salted Stallion!” I puffed out my chest.

“A.. drunk dumper?”

“Yup, it's my job to make sure any ponies who get too wasted don't injure themselves, others, or the furniture.”

“That's.. great..”

“You think it's a bad job?”

“No, not at all. Somepony has to do it.. I think. Just, try not to hurt or petrify anypony. Please?”

“Twilight! I would never intentionally harm a pony!”

“I know, I know... But things seem to get out of hoof if you're involved.”

“Don't worry, I will do my very best ensure nothing gets out of control. You have my word on it.” She let out a sigh.

“I guess I'll just have to trus-

“Twilight! Somepony's unconscious in front of the library!” Spike's voice interrupted from outside the door. Twilight's eyes widened before giving me a glare so hard I was fairly certain she could actually use it to kill me if she chose to do so.

“What did yo-

“I HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH IT!”

At least thirty minutes and a severe verbal beat down from a purple unicorn later. I was sitting beside a couch that I was forced to drag into the main room. Which Lyra was laying on, who I was forced to carry in, now awake but incredibly red in the face. While Twilight was pacing back and forth in front of the couch and Spike was somewhere up the stairs, having decided he wanted nowhere near the disaster zone about to be created.

“So you're telling me.” For about the nineteenth time. “That all he did was touch you behind the ear, and it cause so great a reaction that you passed out.”

“In what looked like ecstasy” I added helpfully. I wonder if I'm skilled enough at juggling to handle those daggers she's glaring at me.

“Y-yes...” Lyra's ears were flat against her head as she stared down at the couch cushion between her forelegs. Her face was still completely flushed. “I'm- *sniff* I'm sorry for.. for..” The poor unicorn looked like she was going to break down completely right on the couch.

“Lyra.. You didn't do a thing wrong. You have nothing to be sorry for or ashamed of.” Twilight move towards her and gently placed a hoof on her side. “Stone on the other hoof!” She quickly turned her gaze towards me and made me shrink back a little, damn I wish I could petrify myself just to get out of this. “You should have not done that to a mare and then just left her out in public for everypony to see.”

“I'm sorry alright! I panicked and made a bad decision!”

“I don't understand how you could think rationally enough to carry a passed out pegasus home after a hydra attack but not enough to take an unconscious unicorn inside after YOU make her faint.”

“The hydra attack was life threatening! This was just uncomfortable to an extreme degree. I handle these types of situations differently.”

“How the hay could that make you uncomfortable when you are willing to act out 'Stallions and Saddles' in public!” Lyra's face somehow found a way to turn even redder at the mention of the book series.

“First of all, my joking about a book series and what just happened outside are two completely separate animals.”

“They aren't animals..”

“IT'S A FIGURE OF SPEECH!” I took a breath to calm myself back down. “Secondly, it is much more disturbing when it is happening to you and you are unprepared for it.” Twilight let out a defeated sigh.

“I can understand that. But that doesn't mean what you did was the right way to handle it.”

“I know that Twilight, and I am sorry for what I've put both you and Lyra thru this evening.”

“I am willing to forgive you right now Stone, BUT only if Lyra is ready to forgive you as well. SHE is the one you really wronged tonight.” I turned towards Lyra and gave her the most pleading look I was capable of.

“I accept your apology Stone.” Whew, thank you Lyra. She then pressed her face down between her front hooves as she continued to speak. “But only if you let me look at your hands again sometime.” Damn it Lyra.

“Thank you.. for being so forgiving.. Lyra..” I strained my words out thru gritted teeth, if my eyes weren't already red the ponies would easily be able to tell I had ruptured a blood vessel in my right one.

Twilight then did the unthinkable, she insisted that since it had gotten so late into the day Lyra should stay for dinner. I had never even considered drop-kicking a pony before. After a somewhat awkward dinner of salads, during which I would swear Lyra spent more time watching how I used my hands than actually eating, the teal pony departed from the library and Twilight closed the door to the tree with a great sigh.

“And there for a while I thought the hydra was the biggest problem you've cause.”

“Hey, that wasn't entirely my fault either!” Twilight just gave me a look that clearly stated she didn't believe that for a second.

“We'll talk about this more in the morning, let's just put the issue to bed for tonight, alright?”

“Fine, besides I don't even know why this happened. All I did was reach over” I moved to demonstrate. “And scratch behind her ear, then she passed out just.. like that..”

Twilight had dropped much like a pony-shaped sack of potatoes and had a very similar expression to the one Lyra wore when she passed out. The hell? I'm pretty sure Twilight doesn't have any sort of hand fetish. So is behind the ear some sort of.. OH SHIT, when she wakes up...

“SONOFABITCH!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Working Stone

I had to spend the next several minutes explaining to Spike why I had shouted loud enough for half of Ponyville to hear, and then I had to carry the unconscious Twilight up to her room and set her in bed while the dragon laughed his scaly ass off. I walked back down the stairs after dropping off my cargo to find Spike no longer laughing but still with an amused expression.

“Well Spike, I'm going to turn in for the night. If Twilight wakes up and tries to kill me in my sleep could you do me a favor and give me some kind of warning? I would like to face death with my eyes open.”

“No problem Stone, I might even hold her back long enough for you to run.”

“Heh, thanks buddy. Goodnight.”

“Goodnight.”

I went down to my little thrown together sleeping pile in the basement and laid on my not-bed until slumber overtook me.

I was back in the woods. I stared down at the strange chicken monstrosity in my hands, I licked my lips. Something about the creature seemed to call to me, the only thought in my mind was of eating this oddity.

“Feast..”

I brought the creature up to my face and bit into it greedily, it's juices ran down my chin and over my chest. I loved it. Hungrily I tore into the flesh, gobbling up as much as I could in each bite, a strange tingle flowing throughout my body as I ate more and more.

“Feast..”

That tingle! It was like a warm buzz filling my entire being, I had to have more of it. It wasn't long before I had devoured my entire meal, but that wasn't enough for me. I wanted more, no, I needed more. I began scooping as much of the juices as I could off my chin and chest with my hands slurping them down. It didn't satisfy me.

“Feast..”

I slowly looked up my blood coated hands and allowed my tongue to remove the juice from my lips. I had no hesitation as I bit straight thru my own bone and muscle. The pain was immense for just a second but was quickly washed away by pure ecstasy. The flavor didn't matter. The texture didn't matter. All that did matter was that warm buzz returning to me as I consumed myself.

“Feast..”

The rate at which I could easily pull apart my own flesh began to slow. My beak was beginning to have trouble pulling out the tendons in my leathery wing. I ruffled my neck feathers and let out a squawk of annoyance at how my own body would deny itself such splendor. Turning my attention to my other wing I started to open up the skin so I could get at the delicious meat underneath. I had become so fervently engrossed in my self cannibalism that I didn't even look to see what was casting the shadow over me until just before the rock smashed into my skull.

“Feast!”

I broke the surface of the water, gasping for air. I wiped some of the liquid that could pass for spoiled soup from my eyes and blearily made out my surroundings. I was in some sort of a swamp. A scream of fright shattered the relative silence, I whipped my head towards the shore to see a yellow pegasus running from a giant scaled monster. I quickly swam to land, I didn't know what I could do for the creature but I knew I couldn't just do nothing.

“Feast!”

I pulled myself to my feet and staggered towards the pair of creatures. The pegasus had fallen and seemed unable to move while the larger monster simply stood over the body. I made my way up to the larger creature and found it to have large gash across its front, exposing the succulent meat inside it.

“Feast!”

I spread my mouth into a wicked grin and dove into my new meal without a single care. I ripped off large gobs of meat and crammed into my mouth, caring not for the blood and organs spilling out over myself and the pegasus. I climbed into the body of the beast, eating bone, fat, organ, anything I could reach as I devoured the entirety of it from the inside out. Closing my eyes I enjoyed the warm buzz that filled my being.

“Feast!”

I opened my eyes and parted my teeth in anticipation. The yellow pegasus before me was breathing heavily despite how peaceful it looked while unconscious. It had been an annoying chase but it would be worth it to taste the meat, ponies had such delicious flesh. I could feel both joy and impatience coming from my other heads, despite being allowed to take all kills how I pleased they had to be given their fair taste of the spoils quickly or they would attempt to take main control for themselves.

“Feast!”

I opened my jaw fully and brought down my mouth, that pegasus would be so satisfying. My head froze is place, something was wrong, I was unable to move any further towards my hard won prize! Something stung, it felt almost as though one of my scales was pulled out and I suddenly felt a sharp pain across my underside. I began to breath deep in panic, somehow I knew what would come next. I felt an agonizing pain blossom in my chest as my heart was penetrated.

“FEAST!”

I jerked my eyes open as I threw myself into a sitting position in the cold basement, my breathing heavy and my body drenched with sweat.

“Well, that was disturbing.” I rubbed some of the sleep from my eyes with a yawn. “And now I'm fucking awake.” I could tell without any form of clock or daylight that it was much too early to be greeting the day. I wanted to kick my subconscious in its ass for waking me up like that.

I got up with a stretch and made my way upstairs to the bathroom. Upon completing my morning rituals, washing up and clearing out 'the system' so to speak, I decided to check the time on Twilight's wall-clock to see just how long I would have to wait for sunrise. A couple hours at least, ugh, fortunately I knew of just the way to kill some time.

Silently I made my way back to the basement and with some effort found a lantern to light. With a small grin I went to the bookshelf in the dimly lit room and plucked a single book from it. 'Stallions and Saddles: Book Five; The Choice'. After carefully piling my not-bed into a mound to lean back against, I cracked open the book and began to read. I quickly lost myself in the story of Velvet Softskin, the pony with the most difficult of decisions to make...

“For the last time Miss Softskin. My decision is final!” The ashen stallion turned away from Velvet, his voice taking on a tone of deepest remorse as he forced himself to destroy the last of her hopes. “I am sorry, truly I am, but we simply cannot continue to chase after your lost lover when it has become obvious to even the youngest of foals that he is no longer of this world.”

Velvet bowed her head in despair as Strongback's words cut their way into her. “Do you honestly believe that there is absolutely no chance he still lives Captain Strongback?”

The captain turned to the grief stricken mare in shock. It hurt him that she had returned to addressing him with his formal title. “Velvet.. this is not a decision I make lightly.”

“Is there still a chance!?” The fuchsia mare demanded.

The stallion swallowed with an audible gulp, he knew his next words could either drive this mare to chase after her love until she herself died or throw her into the greatest depths of sorrow. “In all honesty, Miss Softskin, I believe

“STONE!”

I looked up from the book as my blood ran cold, DEATH had awakened and she was pissed at me. I shook in place as I listened to her hooves falling on the floorboards above me, moving closer and closer to the door. Said door flew open, crashing into the wall with a thunderous boom as the purple image of my executioner stomped down the stairs, the very world around me seeming to quake with each hoof fall. I carefully placed the book beside me as Twilight reached the bottom of the stairs and stomped towards me, fires of hatred burning behind her eyes.

“G-good morning, Twilight..” The unicorn silently strode up to me, maintaining her strong glare. Right, she's mad, best hope for a quick death and apologize. “T-Twilight, I'm s-sorry about accidentally knocking you out last night..”

She lifted a fore-hoof and pressed it against my chest, pushing me back into my piled up not-bed, leaning over me and forcing me to look directly into her eyes. I could only gulp.

“That was the best sleep I have ever had in my life..” Oh.. OK.. “NEVER do that again.” There was a strong amount of venom in her voice.

“Y-yes Twilight.”

She snorted, she actually fucking snorted, then got off of me and began to trot back up the stairs. “Breakfast will be ready in a little bit.”

“O-OK” Man, I think I felt the largest bullet ever whiz by me.

After getting up and putting the book back on the shelf, I did a quick check to ensure my pants were still dry. They were. Glad that I didn't actually piss myself, I went up the stairs to join Twilight for breakfast.

The rest of the day for the most part was.. well it was boring. After a very quiet breakfast, getting the most precise directions for going from the Library to The Salted Stallion as I could, and asking Spike if he would alert me when it was nearly time for me to work, I retreated back down to the basement and hid away from the rest of the world. Now I didn't hide just to finish book five or to avoid Twilight, I was hiding out of fear that if I so much as put a toe outside before it was time to go work some sort of horrible mishap would cause me to miss my very first day on the job. It was a bit paranoid of me, but the way things had been going I wouldn't be the least bit surprised if something did happen so I decided to play it safe.

“Hey Stone! It's about a half an hour till five.”

“Th-thanks Spike!”

“Stone? Are you OK?”

“Y-yea! P-perfectly fine!” The dragon walked down the stairs.

“You're crying!”

“N-no I just...”

“That's book five isn't it?”

“Yea....”

“It's OK, Twilight cried like a little foal when she finished it too.”

“Heh *sniff* so.. Do you read these?”

“No. *Blech* That stuff is way too mushy.”

“I figured you'd think that.” I wiped my face with my sleeve, I'm so classy. Standing up I moved past the dragon and began to climb the stairs. “Thanks again, Spike. See ya later.”

“See ya, Stone.”

Great fucking scott, not only had I actually found The Salted Stallion but I did so before it was time to begin working. Now I just have to make sure I don't burn the place down or awaken some kind of pony elder god who resides in its basement or something.. It could happen. I went to enter the tavern and smacked my fucking nose right on the fucking door again! You'd think I would have the brains to remember that the door opened outwards, nope.

With many profanities and complaints, both internal and external, I opened the door the proper way and entered my new workplace. The place was empty save for a few ponies, I guess it's not quite the time of the day for pony drinks yet, and Stale was behind the counter excitedly motioning for me to come to him.

“Mr. Stone! I'm glad to see you're right on time. Are you ready for your first day on the job?”

“Just Stone is fine, Boss.”

“And YOU can call me Stale, Mr. Stone.” The bartender grinned. “So, are you ready?”

“Yea, I think I am.” I stood slightly uncomfortably. “What exactly do I do when I'm not removing a pony from the building, Bo- Stale?”

The unicorn idly tapped his chin with a hoof in contemplation. “I hadn't thought about that. If you want you could just sit out of the way or bring yourself something to read or occupy your time. Just so long as you don't drive the customers away when they aren't causing a disturbance you really could do whatever you want to occupy yourself. Just make sure you do your job when you have to.”

“Well then, is it alright if I just take a stool and sit by the door?”

“That would be perfectly fine.” Picking up a stool I turned on my heel to take it to the area I would claim as my post.

“Stale! Micro says there's only half a bag.. of.. oats.. left..” That's a new female voice, and it sounds like something surprised her enough to slow down her speech.. I wonder what could do that. I set the stool down next to the door and spun back around to sit on it, grinning stupidly. “You.. need to get.. more..” The voice belonged to a pegasus pony with a tan coat and a somewhat bushy mane and tail, both reddish brown in color. Oddly enough this pony had several.. well I suppose they resembled tiger stripes except they were red and did not uniformly cover the entirety of the pony, opting to only have a few cover the neck, legs, back, and face instead. The pegasus had a single wing extended, on which balanced several platters of food and drink. I was amused.

“I'll be sure to add them to the list.” The mustache wielder chuckled as he spoke. “I see you noticed our newest employee. Mr. Stone, I'd like you to meet our waitress, Miss Khralil.” Khralil? That's.. pretty odd for a pony name. Pony names have all been descriptive or just a combination of nouns, sometimes they might have a verb thrown in for flair. Whatever, I'm a human among ponies, who am I to judge what's weird. “And Miss Khralil, this is Mr. Stone.”

“Hello, pleasure to meet you.” I gave a little wave, don't want to seem rude to my new coworker.

“Hello...” The pegasus slowly turned and began to walk towards the booths. “I have to take this.. to table four... Don't forget.. about the oats..” The poor thing seemed a little rattled.

Leaning back, sometime late into the evening just before sunset, I let out a sigh of boredom. Definitely going to get into the habit of bringing books with me. At least I could keep myself amused by listening to the sounds of ponies chatting while they drank or ate. I had actually gotten pretty good at eavesdropping on ponies, during my time on the run I had a tendency to stay hidden where I could listen in on ponies talking. It was my way of making myself feel less isolated. Not to mention ponies had interesting conversations about magic and flying, though if I ever hear another story begin 'And one time, at flight school' I swear I might lose it.

I chuckled as a unicorn told the story of how he and his buddy challenged each other to see who could lift the other one higher, but due to poor planning had ended lifting at the same time and both wound up stuck twenty feet off the ground until they realized they could lower each other as easily as they had lifted.

The door swung open and I stopped my chuckling, time to guess what would come in. It was a little game I came up with for myself, I had the time from the door opening to the pony entering to guess what kind of pony it would be. Extra points for getting the gender right and I lose if they come in before I decide on a guess. Let's go with a male earth pony. A feathered head pass the door frame.. that's not a pony.. I don't have rules for this! The creature had an eagle head with wings and talons to go with it, but the rest of it was all some kind of large animal, probably a big cat. Oh, I recognize that kind of tail, it's lion, it's an eagle and a lion. A gryphon! That's what it is. The bird-cat walked past me on all fours, not noticing my presence, to take a table and give it's order to Khralil. Time to reevaluate the rules of my game.

It was a while after sunset and everypony, including the gryphon, had either left after finishing their meals or moved to the bar. There was a total of six of them lined up at the counter. Farthest from me was an earth pony, a mare, with a curly orange mane and tail to go with her very light yellow coat. Next to the earth pony sat a sky blue unicorn, another mare, whose mane and tail made me think immediately of toothpaste with the way its upper half of white sat on a dark blue of its lower half. Next in line was the gryphon, who seemed to be sobbing over its drink about something, every so often making exaggerated motions with its claws while it spoke to the ponies. The remaining three were all male pegasi, the one next to the gryphon being chocolate brown with a dusty gray mane/tail combination, the one in the middle being the same shade as a piece of parchment with a light brown mane/tail, and the last one having a granite gray coat with a black mane/tail. As silently as I could I got up and moved my stool close enough for me to listen in on the bar patrons before sitting back down
.

“I just can't believe how big a wuss I was.” The gryphon, who sounded feminine.. I think, gulped down a glass of something I assumed to be at least close to alcohol. “I flew off like some lame-o chicken before she could even answer the door.”

“Now Miss, let's think about this for a moment.” Stale set his forelegs on the counter as he spoke, I wonder if he has a stool back there to sit on or if he's just really good at balancing on hind hooves. “Surely if this pegasus friend of yours is as loyal and true and you claim, she would forgive you once you apologized.”

“That's not the thing. I know she would forgive me, and if she had been the one to screw up I'd forgive her. But I just can't work up the nerve to actually apologize, I've never had to apologize for anything before!” I then discovered the sound of a gryphon slamming her face against a bar counter is a pretty amusing 'thunk'. “I just don't think I can talk to Dash and tell her 'I'm sorry'.”

“Dash?” The pegasus closest to the gryphon seemed interested now. “You mean as in Rainbow Dash? That loser that couldn't even finish flight school?”

“But she said Dash, she couldn't mean Rainbow Crash, the total loser that couldn't finish flight school.” The middle pegasus threw in his two cents and the other two pegasi gave a small chuckle.

There was a loud slam as claw met wood. “Don't you make fun of her!” The gryphon was glaring fiercely at the pegasi.

“Or what bird-brain, you'll cry on us?”

“No, I'll break your wings and make you walk back to Cloudsdale!”

“Do you really think you can take three of us?”

“I'd be more than happy to show you lame-wads that I can!”

Stale had started making head gesture towards me then towards the conflict, oh right, it's my job to break up these sorts of things. I stood up and cleared my throat loudly, that managed to get their attention.

“No fighting in the bar.” The pegasi each looked at me and let out a small gulp while the gryphon actually gave a little squawk of surprise. “Understand?” The pegasi each gave a nod before paying their bills and leaving. “And you?” The gryphon gave me a small smirk.

“I understand perfectly.” She paid her bill and quickly flew out.

“Well, it's a good thing that got stopped before it could start, isn't it Stale?” There was a very loud yell followed by sounds of pain. “What the hell is..” Then my mind clicked on. “Shit I didn't mean to fight right outside!” I ran out the door to break it up, still not sure why though...

I sat on the ground panting, covered in bruises, aches, and blood, but oddly enough not a cut or scrape on me. The pegasi laid across from me, random patches of fur and mane ripped off of each one, large bruises becoming visible, and numerous scratches and flecks of blood covering their forms. The gryphon had indeed proven to be able to take on three pegasi as she had almost no visible marks from the fight on her, except for the bloodied claws, the couple of missing feathers, and the wing bent grotesquely out of position.

“So.” I began with a pant. “Are we all done beating the shit out of each other, or am I gonna have to break up round two?” The pegasi each gave a groan. “Good, and how about you gryphon girl?”

“The name's Gilda, and I guess I taught those dimwits enough of a lesson.”

“Right.. So does anypony feel like they need medical attention, aside from Gilda. It's obvious need to go to the hospital.” More groans.

“What!? I don't need to go to the hospital!”

“I'm not an expert, but I'm pretty sure wings aren't suppose to bend that way.”

“Well.. they aren't.. but I'll be fine..” I raised one eyebrow then rose and strode to door, pulling it open before shouting inside.

“Hey Stale! The gryphon obviously has a broken wing but won't go to the hospital, what do I do!?”

“Use your judgment, she technically stopped being our problem once she left the building, but if you want to take off to make sure she's taken care of I'll let it slide! It is only fifteen till midnight anyway and I figure these mares here won't be too much trouble for fifteen minutes!”

“Alright Stale! See you tomorrow!”

“See you then, Mr. Stone!” I turned from the door and picked up a groaning pegasus under each arm.

“Gilda, you pick up and carry that one to the hospital with me.”

“Why do I have to carry one of these jerkwads?”

“Because: A. I can't carry three pegasi. B. YOU are the one that injured them. And C. You need to go there yourself.”

“I do not need to go to the hospital!” It was at this point the third pegasus decided to do more than groan.

“You know, I don't need carried. I could probably walk there myself, I don't feel too bad.”

“Yes you do. No you couldn't, don't lie. We're all going now, so come on.” I gave my opinion on each matter.

“Oh yea, and how do you plan on making sure of that?” Gilda crossed her arms defiantly.

“That's right we haven't formally met, I am the Stone-turner.” I gave a small bow, pegasus under each arm still. “Now pick up that pegasus and come with me to the hospital or I will turn you into a gryphon shaped statue.” I was bluffing, I had no clue how to actually use my ability. But she clearly did not know that.

“Alright, alright! Sheesh, you don't need to do anything drastic.” Grumbling all the while the gryphon picked up the pegasus and we began to march down the streets of Ponyville to the hospital!

After half an hour of walking and barely more than a few words spoken the two of us doing the carrying both stopped with realization.

“Gilda do you know how to get to the hospital?”

“I thought you were leading us there!”

“Ah.. well shit, might as well stay the course now.”

“So we're just going to wander around until we find it.”

“You make it sound like a stupid plan.”

“Because it is a stupid plan!”

“Then what's your plan?” Gilda just grumbled what I assumed to be obscenities and resumed walking under the light of the moon. “That's what I thought.”

I put on my grin as we resumed our journey thinking to myself of how the doctor ponies may possibly react.. If we could ever find the hospital that is. I need to just get a fucking map.

Home hunting.

My cloak was sopping wet by the time I entered the library and it felt as though I was wearing a giant sponge. I carefully removed the cloak as I stepped into the tree, I would have to hang it up over the tub so it could dry. I grinned stupidly to myself as I noticed Twilight standing before a desk, her snout buried deep into a book with several others floating around her, she must have been researching something and as far as I could tell was too engrossed with it to even notice me entering. This is the perfect chance to do something stupid..

Stealthily I moved up behind the unicorn, removing my cloak to hold bundled up in my hands, and tried my best to hold back my snickering as I raised my hands up over her neck. I squeezed my cloak, a thin trail of icy cold water pouring out of it and onto the back of her neck.

“EEEEK!”

Hah, that was grea- OOF! I fell to my knees in sudden intense pain, my world shifted and I felt as though I should vomit repeatedly. All of this is a perfectly understandable amount of sensory overload as I just received a pair of hooves, courtesy of a startled Twilight, straight to my.. well, it rests below the belt and above the knees... Twilight turned to face me, her look of annoyance quickly changing to concern, I think she could tell I was in pain.

“Stone? Stone are you alright?”

“I-ice... please...” It took all I had in me to just wheeze out that plea. I curled forward and rested my forehead against the floor as the sound of Twilight's hooves rushing towards the kitchen filled the air.

“Just hold on Stone I'll get- ack! Sorry Spike, gotta get ice!”

I closed my eyes, focusing on the sound of running water from the kitchen, I guess I have to wait for my ice to freeze, barely registering the slight slapping of hind-claws on wood.

“Dude, what happened?” I slowly turned my head towards the question, opening one eye to look at the young dragon.

“Hooves.. crotch.. met each other, hooves hurt.” The dragon winced at my poor excuse for a sentence.

“Yikes, good thing there's always a hard scale sheath to protect you, right?”

“Humans... don't have...” I didn't even have to force out the last word, I could tell he understood from how pale his scales went.

“So you mean you just took a hit without...” I nodded a weak confirmation. Spike turned towards the kitchen.“Twilight you should probably hurry with that ice!” He turned back to me and placed a small claw on my shoulder, “Don't worry bud, you're gonna be alright.” Spike is now my favorite dragon, hands down; also, ignore the fact I have not met any other dragons.

There was a small thud as a pitcher was set down beside me, I looked up to find Twilight had returned from the kitchen. I managed to lift myself up enough to grasp the pitcher and peer inside it; yup, she just filled it with water and froze it. Gotta say, that magic is pretty cool. I upturned the pitcher and shook out the large block of ice.

I glared at the chunk of ice, how exactly was I to make use of this? “Twilight? Could you crush the ice block please?”

“Umm, OK” I watched as she put a hoof on the ice and leaned her weight on it.. It didn't even crack.

“Wonderful job Twilight, you're a natural. Step off of it please.” When she complied I grabbed the ice by the top, lifted it into the air, then slammed back down against the floor. Several cracks ran out across its surface, so I set it back down on the floor. “Would you give it a second try?” She carefully placed her hoof on top of the block once more and tried leaning her weight on it again; it quickly became nothing more than a pile of crushed ice bits.

“How's that?”

“Perfect.” At this point the pain itself had dulled quite a bit, but not nearly as much as I would have liked. I scooped up a handful of the ice and did the most tasteful thing I could, I dumped it down the front of my pants. The steam that rose was almost as loud as my sigh of relief, almost.

Twilight eyed the steam warily. “Is that normal?”

“In this situation, I'm just gonna say it is and roll with it.”

The rest of the rainy day was spent with a relative amount of uneventfulness. We all just laid about the place, reading our own choice of book. Twilight was reading some large text on magical history or something like that, Spike was reading a book on magical birds, and I was reading the last Stallion and Saddles book that had been released. It filled me with a great amounts of joy, sadness, and rage; it was beautiful.

FEAST!

I looked up from gnawing on my own hand. “You know, that is getting really annoying.”

Feast.

I gave a roll of the eyes. “Yes bodiless voice, feast, what do you think this self-cannibalism is? I have eaten my own body several times each night for the past week now,” I gave my hand another healthy crunch and chewed the bones and meat sloppily as I spoke, “and I don't see this crazy dream going anywhere or gaining any sort of meaning.”

…

“What, no more 'Feast'?”

…

“Fine then, been a while since I could dream in silence anyways..” I bit down to my wrist. “Wait, why am I eating myself anyway?”

Ga- Gain.. Mo-m-mo-more...

“Come on, spit it out.”

Powers.

“See was that so ha- wait, what?”

Two.. Is not.. Enough.

“Two!?”

…

“What, two!? I've only got the one!”

…

“What the fuck do you mean by two!?”

…

“Answer me-” It was at that point my eyes shot open. “DAMMIT!”

Apparently shouting 'dammit' at four in the morning is a good way to wake up the inhabitants of the home you're in and it left me having to explain what all the yelling was about to Twilight and Spike.

“So, you're telling me that you might have a second power, and you don't know what it is!?” Twilight was not exactly thrilled with what my dream told me.

“If the dream isn't just a dream, yes. That is exactly what I'm saying.”

“Stone, it's never just a dream, or an old mare's tale, or an interesting statue, it's always something dangerous or deadly that could threaten Equestria as we know it!”

“You really think a second power is something that could threaten all of Equestria?”

“One power was enough to petrify half of Equestria, wasn't it?”

“Point taken.” I look upwards for a moment as the wheels of my brain began to start up. “Well, I think we can assume the power is either a passive one, one that has a near unnoticeable effect, or is under my control.”

“And why can we assume that?”

“Well, if it works the same way as my petrification power did, I'm fairly certain that sack shot yesterday would have definitely set it off.”

“Sack shot? What is a-” Her face paled. “Ooooh..”

“Sooo, yea.. it's not a threat as far as I can tell.”

“Well, what do you want to do about it?”

“Do about it?”

“Yes, how are we going to take care of this issue?”

“There's no issue to take care of.”

“What!?”

“The power isn't active as far as we can tell, I have no idea how to activate it even if we knew what it was, and as far as I am concerned it would just be a hassle to figure out, so why bother with it?”

“But- but- We should at least send a letter to The Princess about you having another power.”

“Well, you can if you want to. But, I see no reason to even bother; it doesn't really change anything drastically.” I stood and went to get my daily routines started.

“But-but-but THAT'S JUST IRRESPONSIBLE!”

I gave an overhead wave of the hand. “Yup, sure is.”

The hours after the discussion were planned to be spent checking out the addresses on my little list, well the ones without holes in them, or ink blobs covering them, or where the rain made the ink run to the point it was unreadable. I peered up from my list, which I had been constantly checking to ensure I knew which address I was looking for, this was the first house to check with.

“Let's see, this is the one, right on the corner of Second Street and.. ugh, Mane Street.. fucking horse puns.”

The house itself was very nice, at least from the outside. The paint was unmarred and bright, the yard neatly trimmed, and the fence was sitting up straight as an arrow. There was even a pony outside watering the plants. Wait, I think I know that pony, she's a regular at the bar. Cream coat coloring, blueish and pink mane, three candies on the flank, it's Berry Punch! No wait, that's not it.. It's Bon Bon, yea, that one. I was about to call out to Bon Bon when something in the back of my mind told me to stop. Naturally I had to question why I wouldn't want to call out and the response I could come up with for myself was that Bon Bon had a roommate, she's talked about her several times at the Salted Stallion. That wasn't much of a reason, so I nearly called out again when my brain reminded her roommate was a teal unicorn. Why does that scare me so damn much? What teal unicorn do I kno- LYRA. As soon as I connected all the dots I moved away from that house faster than even an animation zip line could portray.

The next house on my list was just as neat, the yard just as well kept, and the fence.. well it was a little less than straight. I walked up to the door and knocked. After about twenty seconds and a second knock I concluded that nopony was home and set off for house number three on the list.

I did a quick check of my list, “Yup, this is the next one. Three thirty-seven Jennet road.” The house in front of me... Well, it was two story, it had that going for it at least. The picket fence was broken in several places, the grass had brown spots, the paint was weathered and slowly chipping off the building itself, the windows were heavily smudged with cracks in them. I looked to the right at the long row of nearly immaculate houses, then I looked to the left to view much more of the same. I looked forward once more at the home that did not quite fit in as a squirrel defecated upon the lawn. “Yea, this is about my speed.”

After a quick stroll up to the front step I knocked upon the door. I was about to knock a second time when I heard the clip clop of hooves coming to answer it. The door opened inwards to reveal a white pony with a 'two shades of blue' mane covering it's head and face, a small white horn poking out of the blue.

“Hey, whoa, hang on lemme get my shades, nothing looks right without them.” The unicorn turned away from me and was covered in a slight blue glow as its mane corrected itself into a jagged style and a pair of purple tinted sunglasses floated over to its face. The pony, who I figured out was a mare, turned back to face me, then slowly looked up at me. “Hey, you're that thing from the party!”

“Yes I am, and you're..” Brain, don't you dare crap out on me, tell who this pony is this instant. “..the DJ from the party!”

“That's me, Vinyl Scratch, the best DJ there is to get your party rockin'.”

“Nice to meet you Vinyl, I'm The Stone-Turner, Stone for short.”

“Alright, Stone, what brings you to my crib?”

“Err, I saw an ad on the residency board an-

“Oh you're here to try and get the roommate spot! Well, come on in; Tavi should be back from the market soon and we can see if you fit the bill.” She turned and motioned for me to follow her into the home, so I did.

“Tavi?”

“Yea, she's in charge of the screening stuff. Probably because of the last guy I tried to let have the spot.” A light blue aura surrounded her horn as the door shut itself behind me.

“The last guy?”

Vinyl let out a small chuckle and rubbed the back of her head with a hoof. “He was a little too wild for Tavi's tastes.” I scanned the interior of the home as Vinyl led me to what I assumed was the living room and motioned for me to sit on a couch. The place was, for lack of a better turn, impeccable. There was not a single speck of dirt or smudged glass in sight.

“I take it she's a bit of a neat freak?”

“No.” Vinyl sat on a chair opposite me and shook her hooves. “Not a neat freak, she just likes everything with a certain amount of.. order.”

“I see.” My eyes slowly wandered the room, and came to rest on an instrument in the corner. It was a large cello, with a visible crack running down its side. “So, is that hers?” I motioned towards the cello.

“What, the cello?” I nodded. “Yea that's her pride and joy, although she's been a little testy since it was cracked. That happened about a month back.”

I gulped somewhat audibly. “That didn't happen in..” I struggled momentarily to remember the name of the city I was running through after one of my more monumental fuck-ups. “..Manehatten, did it?”

“Yea, I think that's where she said she was when she hit something incredibly thick with it. How'd you know?”

“Just.. a guess.” I fidgeted nervously as the memory of that day began to play itself in my mind.

“Get back here you solo-ruining monstrosity!” The crazed earth pony shouted behind me as I ran thru the streets, dodging panicked ponies and several vegetable carts.

“Fuck that! You're just gonna hit me with that oversized violin!”

“It's called a cello! Now slow down so I can pummel you with it!”

I glanced over my shoulder to witness a gray coated pony charging towards me on two legs, its front hooves swinging the cello dangerously while a large crowd of pissed off ponies gathered behind it. “Why don't you lose the banjo and the mob then face me man to pony!”

“I'll consider it if you slow down!”

“Why don't you catch up!? Or is that fat flank holding you ba-

I couldn't even finish my taunt before the black maned devil sped ahead of me and swung the cello with such force I was certain my head would detach, that was the first time I pulsed at greater than twenty-five miles per hour and while airborne.

I started to rise from my seat. “You know, maybe I should just come back another time.”

“Really, dude? Is something the matter?”

I quickly shook my head. “No, not at all. I just.. have things to do.. and stuff.. and I wouldn't want to hassle your friend right when she's getting back from the market.”

“Dude, don't worry about that. I'm sure she won't mind.”

“No, I really feel I shou-

The door flew open and I could swear the temperature dropped nearly fifteen degrees as the wind forced my cloak to billow around me. I slowly turned my head towards the door and felt my blood freeze as I spotted the gray coat of the mare in the doorway, Vinyl voiced her opinion on the situation somewhere out of my vision.

“Dang, nice entrance.”

I turned myself towards the door, might as well face what's coming like a man.

“I brought you a letter!” Wait.. what?

I blinked a couple times before focusing on the pony that had entered; yes, she had a gray coat, but she also had a blonde mane and walled eyes. Oh, and she was a pegasus, not an earth pony.

The pegasus flew right up to me and, with a hoof, retrieved an envelope from her saddlebag before offering it up. “Here you go, Stone.”

I took the envelope from the mare somewhat mechanically. “Thanks, D. How did you know whe-

“It's part of the job!” With that the pegasus flew back out the door and into the sky.

I carefully tucked the envelope into my carrying pouch for later and turned back to Vinyl. “You know, I was actually worried there for a moment.”

“Worried, what was there to be worried about?”

“Nothing really, it's just that I have terrible..” I turned back towards the door only to see a certain black maned, purple eyed, gray coated, bow-tie wearing, earth pony glaring at me from the entrance-way “..luck...”

The atmosphere was intense as me and the pony just stood there, staring at one another. “Hey Tavi, welcome home.” Great silence breaker, Vinyl.

“So..” I started to speak, I was going to attempt to start things off all nice and civil, but you know what? She just walked right past me! Didn't even give it a thought as she essentially ignored me.

“Vinyl, may I ask why The Stone-Turner is intruding upon our home?”

“You won't believe this Tavi, he wants to be our roommate.” Let's not get too hasty Vinyl, I didn't realize just what I would be up against here.

“Does he now.” The pony turned towards me. “Is this true?”

Nonononono. “Err...” Wrong answer stupid fucking mouth!

“Very well then. Vinyl, would you be a dear a fetch a copy of the house rules, as well as the estimate for utilities and rent when divided among three ponies.”

“Sure thing!” The white unicorn quickly charged out of the room and could be heard thundering up a flight of stairs. “Woo! Lower rent!”

The earth pony gave a small grin and a light chuckle. “Ah, I believe we have yet to be properly introduced, I am Octavia.” The gray mare held out a hoof, which I hesitantly shook.

“I'm The Stone-Turner, but I guess you knew that.” Octavia gave me a small nod before beginning to speak.

“Well, Turner-

“I prefer Stone.”

“Well, Stone, I notice you seem a tad put off. That wouldn't happen to be because of our encounter in Manehatten would it?”

“err.. Well..”

“I thought as much.” Octavia moved towards me. “I must admit, when I heard you were in Ponyville I was.. apprehensive to say the least. However, I later decided that since both the Princess herself and the Elements of Harmony had deemed you fit to become part of society, who was I to say anything otherwise, and that I would hold no ill will towards you.”

“Well tha-

I was quickly cut off as a gray hoof grabbed me by the collar and dragged me down to see the pony right in the face.

“Though I hold no ill will now, should you ever call me fat again, I. Will. Break. You. Like a twig.” The pony released me once she finished seething her threat.

I could almost hear myself creaking as I rose back to my full height, too shocked to even stammer out a response. Note to self: NEVER INSULT A PONY'S WEIGHT!

In the fallout of the threat on my life I barely noticed Vinyl's return until she spoke. “So, I miss anything.”

“Nothing of importance, did you find those papers?”

“Sure did, they're right here.”

A good bit of time after that was spent going over the house rules and what rent and utilities would cost. At first I was just going to listen to them for a bit then politely say I had to mull over other options and never actually return to this house again, but when I saw how much rent would be I nearly died with glee.

Now I might not fully comprehend Equestria's economics, I don't understand how prices can change radically from day to day or how a single piece of fruit could cost nearly as much as a full meal in a restaurant; what I do understand, however, is that with the price on that piece of paper it would be more expensive for me to purchase a shipping crate and live out of that. It's just that low a price.

Needless to say when they brought out a simple form to sign stating that I would obey the house rules and pay rent on time I signed the fuck out of it.

Once all the paper related stuff was out of the way, the three of us spent some time talking and getting a feel for how well this would work out. I gotta say, Vinyl is pretty cool and Octavia is a surprisingly calm and collected individual, overlooking the ability to use a musical instrument as a dangerous weapon. All in all everything seemed to be going fairly smoothly, aside from a small thump that had come from the window at one point, once inspected nothing was found in the area so naturally a bird was to blame.

I was about halfway back to the library when my brain decided to remind me I had stuffed something into my pouch. So, stepping off to the side of the street, I learned long ago that ponies do not watch where they are going, I pulled the envelope back out of my pouch to examine it. Oddly enough it had no markings on it whatsoever, that made me wonder how D. even knew it was for me.

“Well, no point in just staring at a blank envelope.”

Somewhat carefully, I like envelopes to be intact after I am done with them, I opened the mail to see what it contained. The letter inside was obviously typed, which made me wonder how ponies worked typewriters with hooves or if they even had typewriters as I know them, and the print was annoying close to comic sans.

Dear, Stone-Turner:

It is our pleasure to inform you that you have been accepted into the SASBSFC. Attached is your branches weekly meeting locations and times. Rules and guidelines for membership are determined by the chair and vice chair of your branch. Please follow their decisions as best you can and enjoy your time in the SASBSFC.

I looked over the note a second time before looking at the attached meeting times and locations. I figured I'd go to one to see what it was.

“Let's see, the next meeting is today, I know that neighborhood, it's about a fifteen minute walk from here; it's in ten minutes... Fuck. Me.”

So, with a groan of exasperation at how nothing can just be simple, I booked it for this mystery meeting.

The chapter I should have really worked faster on.

The ponies being used to me and not as afraid is one hell of a double edged sword. Sure it means that I can have a polite conversation with some or purchase goods from their market stalls, but it also means that when I am on a mad dash to get somewhere on time they don't get out of the fucking way! I had to have set a new record for number of ponies jumped over in one evening.

Eventually I reached the address that was written on the schedule, a small little house in that part of town that just reeked of lemon scented cleaning products. I later discovered that the scent came from actual lemons being used a ingredient for most cleaning supplies used in Ponyville, but back to the point; it was a nice and clean neighborhood.

So, dripping with sweat and probably smelling of body odor, I strode to the door and knocked politely. The door was quickly opened by a blue unicorn pony with a toothpaste mane, I had seen this pony a couple of times before in the Salted Stallion, but did not know her name.

“Can I help you.. sir?” I rolled my eyes, at least nopony had tried guessing ma'am yet.

“Could you tell me if this is the address for the SASBSFC meeting?” The unicorn got a wide grin at my words, a creepily wide grin, though her teeth were a blindingly bright white and did sparkle slightly so I guess she had reason to grin.

“Oh goody, another member! Come right this way please!” The pony turned away from the door and began to trot towards another room.

Oh goody?

I closed the door behind me while falling in line behind the pony. “So, what is the SASBSFC anyway?”

“You're in it, but you don't know?”

“I just got a letter telling me I was in it, I didn't apply or anything.”

“I think I have an idea who's responsible for that, but what it stands for is-

“Stone!?” I frowned at the interrupting voice, it was damn inconvenient, and yet I knew it from somewhere. “What are you doing at one of these meetings?” I turned to look towards the source of the voice. Hey, it's Gilda. Wait sitting next to her on the couch, isn't that-

“Hi, Stone!” Yes, that would, in fact, be Rose.

The pony leading me went to rest herself upon a large chair while I stood in the doorway to the room. “Hey Rose, hey Gilda.” Taking the wild assumption it was alright for me to sit down I flopped onto a chair. “So miss... umm...” I motioned towards the unicorn that led me in.

“Colgate.” Seriously? A toothpaste maned pony named Colgate?

“So miss Colgate, what were you saying before you were interrupted?”

“Just that SASBSFC stands for Stallions and Saddles Book Series Fan Club.” No wonder I got an invitation without needing to send anything in, the knowledge that I enjoy the series is far from secret.

“Well then, this is definitely a club for me.” I turned myself towards Gilda. “I didn't really get the impression that you're the type to pick up the series though.”

“I've never even heard of the books, but since the meeting is taking place at Colgate's house and she was cool enough to let me crash here while I'm.. grounded, I figured I'd sit in on a meeting and see what it's all about.”

“Well tha-

There was a very sudden and loud crash as a door was flung open.

“Sounds like our vice chair is here.” Colgate casually noted. “That just leaves the chairmare herself.”

I looked towards the entrance to the room just in time to witness a pile of confections jutting out from the top of a large bundle of cloth with pink legs strolling into the room.

“Da hell is...”

The bundle of cloth unfurled itself into a rectangular shape with four protrusions keeping it above the floor; several snack type foods and a punch bowl sitting atop the unfurled bundle, while Pinkie Pie stood on her hind legs holding one end of the cloth.

“She just.. unrolled a table.. how do you.. why would you.. is that even.. fuck it, I don't want to understand.”

“I brought the snacks for the meeting!” Pinkie dropped down onto all fours. “Hey Stoney! I'm glad you could make i-

She stopped mid-sentence, her mouth open in shock. I don't think I want to know what exactly could render Pinkie Pie so shocked she would become silent. With a great amount of trepidation I turned my head so that I could see the source of the pink one's shock, it's Gilda? The gryphon in question looked as if she was trying to vanish into the couch, odd.

The pink pony quickly zoomed over to Gilda. “What are you doing back in Ponyville!?” Not even gryphons get personal space when Pinkie Pie is involved, Gilda. “Are you here to be a big meanie mcmean pants again?” I guess Gilda had a run in with Pinkie last time she was in Ponyville, or is it the other way around? Ah well, it's rude to eavesdrop so let's check out that snack table Pinkie unfurled..

There were cakes, pies, muffins, cookies; if it was a pastry, it was on that table. I took a look around the room, did she really think this small gathering would be able to eat all this food? Welp, we'll find out if it's possible; let's start with a cupcake. Reaching for the delicious little morsel I was shocked to find my hand getting slapped away by a pink hoof. I quickly turned towards the source of the hoof and.. nopony was there...

Carefully I reach for the cupcake again, smacked away. I looked both right and left, still nopony anywhere near me. OK, third time's the charm, easy now.. we can do this.. just.. grab.. the cupcake! *SMACK*

“No snacks until the meeting starts.” That was definitely Pinkie's voice. I spun on my heels, she was still talking with Gilda.. I moved my gaze from Pinkie to the table then back to Pinkie again.

“How the fuck...”

“I wouldn't bother trying to figure it out.”

“And why is that, Colgate?”

“Because it's a Pinkie thing, and nopony can figure out or overcome a Pinkie thing.”

I narrowed my eyes. “Well, it's a good thing I ain't no pony.”

“Was there any proper Equestrian in that sentence?”

“Nope, it was all butchered English.”

The toothpaste brand pony gave me a quizzical look before resting back in her chair with a soft chuckle. “Whatever, it's your sanity.”

Turning back to focus on the cupcakes, I began to formulate a plan of action. “Maybe if I just-

I stopped as I could have sworn I heard a soft creaking, it almost sounded like a door closing, but it was just so quiet.

“I'm sorry I'm late everypony, some of the squirrels got into an argument with each other.. again.”

I near instantly recognized that voice, it belonged to Fluttershy. Wait.. Fluttershy was the chairmare for the Stallion and Saddles book club? I quickly looked to confirm that it was in fact her. Well, it could be her.

The pony was yellow, I think, she was covered with a large brown cloak almost completely hiding her coat and most of her mane. Over her muzzle was a small mask of a bunny or a dog or some kind of animal, it was really hard to tell exactly but that isn't important. What is important is that I am not the only one who realizes how awesome cloaks are.

“Is that you in there, Fluttershy?”

“Eep!” The pegasus leapt about a foot off the ground, her 'disguise' falling to the floor. “Oh, Stone, it's you.”

“Yes, yes it is. But that is besides the point, what were you doing hiding away in that cloak and mask?”

“I was making sure nopony outside knew I was coming here.”

I raised a brow. “Fluttershy.”

“Yes, Stone?”

“Why were you making sure nopony knew you were coming here.”

Fluttershy used her mane to hide her face ever so slightly. “It's a little... embarrassing.”

“What is? Being the chair of the club?” The pegasus gave me a small nod. “Well then, why are you the chair if it embarrasses you?”

“Well, because we needed a new chairmare after Twilight couldn't be it anymore and everypony else insisted that I would be good at it.”

“Why couldn't Twilight be the chairmare?”

“She was banned from the club.”

“Banned?”

“From the entire Equestrian branch.”

“O-

“And the Gryphon branch.”

“Wel-

“And every other branch.”

“What in the world did she do?”

“She got into an argument with the poobah.”

I tilted my head slightly. “So you're like an actual widespread organization then?”

“Oh yes, we have a branch in almost every town in Equestria.”

“Right.. well, I'm sure this will be an interesting experience then.”

Fluttershy gave a smile and a nod before moving past me to the front of the room. “Alright it's time to start the meeting, if that's OK with everypony.” There were several confirmations that everypony was in fact ready, none of them came from me for I was busy successfully grabbing a cupcake and biting into it, fucking delicious and yet would probably taste better if still forbidden.

The meeting itself was somewhat uneventful. The new members were introduced, that's me and technically Gilda although she hasn't read a single book, and important news was distributed. The news was that the newest book was confirmed to be in twenty weeks, huzzah, and that Fluttershy had a major announcement.

“S.H.C. has agreed to come to Ponyville for a book signing!”

S.H.C... Why does that ring a bell? Wait, duh, it's the author of Stallions and Saddles.

“That's amazing!” Well, Colgate seems excited. “How in the world did you get him to agree, I thought the only pony who's even seen him was his publisher.”

“I'm not really sure myself why he decided to agree, I just sent him a letter asking him to come to Ponyville and I got a reply yesterday.”

“So when's he coming in?” That was me, asking important questions, it's what I do.. on occasion.

“His letter said he would be here...” Fluttershy looked off to the side as if she were counting something in her head. “Tomorrow.”

“Tomorrow?”

“Yes.”

“So should anything be done to prepare?”

“Like what?” Really, 'Like what'?

“I dunno, maybe some fliers, getting a table and spot for him to sign books at, that kind of thing.”

Of course she didn't have any plans like that in advance, so we all set to work on making some.

It wasn't that long later that I found myself walking around Ponyville with Pinkie Pie, hanging up fliers. How she managed to make so many, so elaborate, in such short time I may never know.

“Pinkie, I don't think the squirrels are going to be interesting in the book signing.” I watched as the pink pony scampered down the tree she had hung a flier in.

“You never know, Stoney, they might have a few book nuts in that tree.”

“Was.. was that suppose to be a pun?”

“Was what suppose to be a pun?”

“Never mind.” I taped a flier to the wall of the building next to me. “So Pinkie, how many more of these have we got?”

“About this many.” That is a pretty big pile of papers.. wait..

“Pinkie, where were you keeping those?”

“Beats me. Let's go hang up some more!”

“...Right...”

After an eventful evening of flier hanging I was stumbling my way back into the library, most of my energy drained from trying to keep up with the pink one. A pony carrying a book passed by me and out the door.

“I'm back! If anypony's interested..” I trudged over to where the couch was still sitting and threw myself down upon it.

“Stone!” Ah, the purple unicorn calls my name.

“Yes, Twilight?”

“I've come up with a plan to handle the problem!” The horned mare trotted into my vision as she spoke.

“Problem? I didn't know there was a problem... Unless you mean the lack of preparation for the Stallion and Saddles book signing tomorrow, but I think we fixed that today.”

“Not that.. wait, there's a Stallion and Saddles book signing tomorrow?”

I nodded in reply “Yup.”

“Well I'll have to rework a few schedules but... GAH!” She quickly shook her head back and forth. “That's not important, I figured out what we can do about your dream and this second power!”

“I thought we decided to leave it well enough alone...” And that is the look of a pony that is completely unwilling to tolerate that kind of answer.. fuck.

“Stone, that would be horribly irresponsible, you're not irresponsible are you?”

“Do you want the truth or the lie that lets you continue with whatever you have planned regardless of my objections?”

“Humor me.”

“...No, I'm not irresponsible.”

“Good, now the first step is to monitor your dream.”

“Monitor my dream? How exactly do you plan on doing that?”

Twilight's horn gave a soft glow as she magically began to close the library to the public for the day. “With a dream viewing spell, it will let me get a third pony perspective on your dream so we might be able to pick up some extra information that you were missing.”

“That seems a bit.. invasive.”

“How would you suggest we investigate this then.”

“We could just-

“Without ignoring it.” Twilight interrupted.

Shit, there goes my idea. “I got nothing.”

“So I can use the dream viewing spell?” I should probably be much more worried about that excited look on her face than I actually am.

“I guess it couldn't hurt to try.. it doesn't hurt to try, right?”

“Of course not. Now, you just lie back like you're getting ready to sleep and I'll do the rest with my magic.”

“Alright then.” I stretched myself out on the couch as best I could and settled down like I was preparing to conk out for the night. “So how does this dream view spell work?”

Twilight began to shut the curtains and remove any sources of light inside as she spoke. “Well first the magic will trace the activity taking place in your brain, then-

“No, no I mean physically, how does it work? Do you have to draw symbols on my skull, or just zap me with your purple lava-lamp juice, or something?” I spoke towards the pony-shaped blob as my vision began to adjust to the now darkened room.

“Purple lava-lamp juice?”

“That glowy stuff your horn makes when you do magic.”

“There's so many better names for it! Like.. Like.. ugh.” Twilight let out a small sigh of either frustration or resignation, it's very hard to tell which. “No I wont be zapping you with.. magic aura, since the dream viewing spell is a very invasive form of mental magic it requires my horn to be directly touching your forehead while we both fall asleep.”

“Wait, you have to maintain contact between my forehead and your horn while we are both asleep for this spell to work?”

“Yes.”

“So were you planning on sleeping standing up?” I gestured, somewhat of a stupid idea given how dark the room had become, to the couch I was completely covering. “Because it seems to me like that would be difficult and I am a little too long to lie only halfway on the couch.”

“Well... I guess we could just perform the spell on the floor?”

Now the normal person might not understand this, but laying on that couch I decided that I was feeling far too lazy to be bothered to get up and then lay back down on the floor. It was nothing personally against the floor, in fact I love sleeping on the floor at times, but it's just that it's all the way down there on the ground and the couch was so comfortable at the moment. So, I did the most sensible thing a man as far into the state of laze as myself could do.

With a great “Bleuuagh” and an audible 'THUMP' I rolled off the couch onto my front and then rolled over a second time so my back was to the ground.

“There, floored.”

“Right.” Twilight settled herself down so my head was laying between her forelegs. “Now you just relax like you normally would when going to sleep and let my magic do the rest.”

While attempting to relax myself as much as possible I felt a cool sensation press down upon my forehead, just before my vision was completely filled with purple light.

I blinked my eyes a couple times. It definitely didn't seem like the dream viewing spell worked right. For one my surroundings weren't the usual forest or bog, instead it was all featureless, colored like a pitch dark room when you have a blanket over your head only with the sensation of staring directly into a white LED, which I do not suggest you do... multiple times..

Not only were the surroundings wrong, but the general feel of the 'dream' was wrong. It all felt much more vivid. Where normally everything accept for the unexplained hunger were weak and in the back of the mind it all felt like all my senses were anything but dull. If I attempted to bite into myself it would probably hurt. So, naturally, I tried biting into my hand to test that out.

“Sonuvayetifuckingasssuckingwhoremongeringcuntburger that fucking hurt!” I cradled my hand that now had a large bite mark in it and blood pouring profusely against my chest. “Why the hell did I try that?!” The flow of blood slowed to a complete halt as my hand went about fixing itself as if it were just standard procedure for this kind of thing to happen. “Well, that's handy... I should slap myself for that later.”

I gave my hand a couple of flexes and a shake or two to ensure it was still in proper working order. “I guess dreamland or whatever the hell this place is called doesn't let injuries stick around long, or something.” I gave my surroundings another good looking at. “Though I'd like to know why it's so bland!” I had a moment of thought before my next shout into nothingness. “And where the fuck is Twilight at!?” My best guess at that one would be that the dream viewing spell is just that, viewing only.

I spun in a small circle, growing increasingly agitated at the complete lack of anything noteworthy. “How is this suppose to help figure out anything if there's nothing to work with, give me some scenery or that annoying ass voice or something!”

Ding Dong!

“Was.. was that a doorbell?”

Ding Dong!

“A doorbell works for me!”

Ding Dong!

I scanned the empty environment, trying my damnedest to determine the direction the doorbell was in.

Ding Dong!

“Thataway HOOOOO!” I took off in the direction I thought the doorbell was.

Ding Dong! DingDingDingDing Dong!

“I'm coming! I'm coming! Hold your hors-OOF!” I tripped and fell flat onto my face for those who might be wondering about the 'OOF!'. “OK, what in the world tripped me in a completely featureless space!?” Looking back towards the source of my most recent misfortune I found.. an orb? No.. wait.. it's a doorknob.. in the floor. “Of course, the door is embedded in the floor. Because that is exactly on par with everything else up until now.” Looking down at the door I began to bend over to open it, I stopped myself halfway. “If nothing else is going to function normally why should I?”

I brought my foot down heavily on one end of the door, the door responded to my forceful tactic by flipping upwards end over end and landing right side up directly in front of me. “Hah! Take that physics.. of the dream world.. I guess that's not impressive in the least when you put some thought into it. Ah well, at least it looked impressive.”

Seeing no point in delaying any further I reached out to open the door, only to be interrupted by a letter falling from the mail slot. “Alright then. Mail first, then the door that is most likely best left unopened but will be opened anyways because in the grand scheme of things I am just another curious bastard.” One fairly quick letter opening later I was reading a note.

Dear Fellow Human,

Hello there! If you are reading this message it means you managed to find the door that connects your inner mindspace with the outer mental realm. Now, if your mindspace seems cluttered do not worry. It is meant to be that way. The mindspace is a representation of all your inner thoughts and feelings.

I looked up from the note at the barren void around me. “Aww...”

Of course, there are more pressing issues at hand than the state of your mental landscape. If you would be so kind as to open your door and grant me permission to enter, we would be able to speak face to face.

Signed, Desmond.

So some random guy wants me to just let him into my mindspace for a chat? Why would I let him do that? What if he.. if he... Tracks mud? Really thinking about it that seems to be the most possible damage he could do to this featureless space.

“Might as well see what he has to say.” Prepping myself slightly, I put on gargantuan dipshit beam and pulled the door open. “Well hello-LY SHIT YOU'RE HUGE!”

Standing on the opposite side of the doorway was a human, which is incredibly nice to see having been surrounded by ponies for so long, who wore a faded brown outfit that made him look like a noble from one of those cable TV dramas about the medieval times. His face was seemingly unremarkable, not that I could see it well without hurting my neck since he had to have been at least seven foot and some change tall! On the top of his head, which I was very surprised I could see without a telescope, was aged gray hair and upon his chin was more hair only pure white, which seemed odd since he looked not too far past middle aged. His eyes had a sort of yellow glow about them. All in all he was completely fitting what I had come to expect the world to throw at me. Minus the height, that was a curve-ball.

He raised an eyebrow at me. “Hello to you as well. While I can't say this is the first time I've been greeted that way, I can honestly say it has been a long time since it happened.”

“Hey, you're that annoying voice!”

“I am so glad to see the manners that the human race have kept after all this time. I suppose pleasantries have died out after all these years.” He then began to stage a conversation with himself. “'Hi Desmond, nice meet you.' 'Well hello to you as well, good sir.' 'Please come in and have seat, I hear we have much to discuss.' 'Of course, of course. Let's talk over tea, shall we?'”

“Umm...” I held out my hand awkwardly. “Nice to meet you, I'm Stone?”

“A pleasure.” He gripped my hand and gave it a single forceful shake.

I stepped to the side of the door to allow the stranger inside. “So you mentioned having much to discuss?”

“Yes I did, glad to see you can pay attention. That skill tends to pay off.” He stepped into my mindspace. Once he was on the same side of the doorway as myself something became apparent. He wasn't just tall, this guy was thin. It was like a cartoonish kind of lanky. “Hmm, quite spacious. You wouldn't happen to be in the middle of renovations would you?”

“No.”

“That's a shame.”

“If you say so.”

“Perhaps this conversation would go better if we were both seated?”

“With what chairs?”

Desmond gave me a flat stare before pinching the bridge of his nose. “I see this is going to be harder than I thought.” With a sigh he removed his hand and held his arms out wide. “This, all of this, is YOUR mental landscape. It exists inside YOUR mind. If you want to alter it in any way simply think about the change and it will happen.”

“Oh.” I gave some thought towards what would be good seating for a discussion, it did not take long for me to decide on a seating arrangement at all. When important discussions come to mind I find myself always thinking of one thing. A pair of overstuffed chairs in front of a fireplace with a small table between them. It just seems right.

“Well, at least you have taste.” Oh hey, it worked, sweet. I sat in one of the chairs while Desmond sat in the opposite. The fireplace with the chunk of wall around in the middle of the void of nothingness was a little off-putting, but at least it wasn't bland.

“So then, this feast business, why are you plaguing my dreams with that word?”

“Because I need you to feast, obviously.”

“Right... So you just want to see me fat or something?”

“Why would you get fat from feasting?”

“OK I think we have two separate definitions of feasting going on here, what's your definition?”

“To consume the flesh of a magical creature so you may gain its magical abilities as your own.” He says with the straightest face I have ever seen.

“That.. That is a slightly different definition than the one I'm used to.”

“Perhaps we should just start from the beginning and work towards the topic of what needs done.”

“Umm.. OK then. What is the beginning?”

He leaned back and gave me a slight smirk. “Well I'm sure by now you're aware of the power we humans have.”

“Nope.”

I received a pair of blinks before I got a response. “What?”

“Not a clue.”

A great sigh floated across the void. “Humans have the ability to gain a variance of a magical creature's magic abilities upon eating a part of them, you simpleton.”

“Oh, is this some kind of a ritual or specific skill, or does it just happen when you eat something?”

“The only conditions are that the animal must be dead, in most cases, so its natural magic is released into the meat; and that it must be uncooked, since cooking the meat cleanses the magic so it no longer holds the structure of the ability. But, we are drifting off topic.”

“Right, the topic. What is the topic?”

“Why I need you to feast.” He paused and looked at me for, I assume, any objections. I gestured for him to continue. “In the past, humans sought after magical abilities without restraint. It was a highly respected trait to have many powers. Of course, the more unique the power or the more difficult it is to acquire, the more renown and respect it granted. This caused humans to go to extremes to hunt and devour whatever magic they could, in order to propel their own social standing forward. In turn, magical creatures began to die out, migrate away, or viciously attack human villages in retaliation.

“That is the first key piece of information you need to understand what is happening now, and how you got here.”

“Wait wait wait, this has to do with how I got to Equestria?”

“Yes.”

“Does it involve a way for me to leave Equestria?”

“Unfortunately, no.”

“Meh, alright then, continue.”

Desmond tilted his head questioningly. “You seem awfully apathetic about staying here.”

“I've already been here long enough that I could really go either way. Send me back, don't send me back. Whatever.”

“That is possibly for the best, for once all is said and done you most likely won't be able to go back.”

“No new news there, let's continue with story time now.”

“As you wish. “ Desmond settled back and continued where he had left off. “Now the second-

Desmond flickered several times like a bad light bulb.

“Drats. It seems I'm running out of the magic required to maintain this connection.”

“Does it take a lot?”

“It does, in fact. For some reason you have an unusually thick mental barrier, it takes most of what I have to send even a couple words through. Today, though, it had thinned for some reason.” He scratched his chin as he peered at the surroundings. “But perhaps another night we will be able to continue, now that you have granted me access once it should become less taxing for me to enter in the future.”

“I'm not sure I like the idea of you having an easier time getting into my head.”

“Don't be too worried about it. There isn't much I can do once inside, and I still will require your permission to enter.”

“So then, we do this again, some other time?”

“That would be best, until the next time.” With those final words Desmond flickered completely out of my mindspace.

“Alright then..” I gave a few glances around my now-empty mindspace. “So... what now?” I leaned back, closing my eyes briefly before opening them again, still in the mindspace. “Well, fuck. Guess I need something to wake me up... hmm...” I had a couple ideas on how to wake up from a dream..

The wind was rushing up past me, leaving a terrible ring in my ears as it whistled loudly. I laid lazily in the air as I fell, the exact same way I had been for the last fourteen and a half minutes. It was just beginning to occur to me that falling wouldn't wake me up, just like klaxon alarms, pinching, splashing water in the face, and getting the urge to piss. Perhaps ending the fall would help?

With a solid WHUMP I collided with the featureless ground, it hurt like hell, but I was still in the mindspace. “Ugh.” I rubbed the, now tender, back of my skull. “That didn't get me anywhere.” I let out a small groan of frustration. “I know I'll wake up eventually, but it's just taking so damn long.”

At about this time a spot of warmth decided to make its way onto my hand. “Eh?” The warmth slowly began to spread up my arms and chest. “I guess I need to put some A/C into my mindscape.” The warmth moved up onto my eyes, forcing them wide open.

My first action back in the waking world was to glare at the ceiling then to quickly turn the glare towards the curtain that had found its way slightly cracked at some point.

Sure it woke me up when I needed it, but really, in the eyes?

I moved to sit up and was quickly sent back to the floor as a tight pressure made itself known around my throat. “Hurk!” In a small panic I went about feeling the restraints around my neck. They were firm, somewhat thick, and.. fuzzy?

It took quite a bit of gumshoeing to figure out what was holding me. Apparently, at some point in the night, Twilight had wrapped her forelegs around my head and now I was held in a vice-like grip of fuzzy doom. Naturally I approached this problem in the most reasonable way imaginable, I reached up and used my arms to support Twilight as I stood, resulting in a very fashionable sleeping pony hat gripping onto my head, it would be all the rage come winter. Now that I had secured my place at the forefront of oncoming trends it was time to begin a task that was needing done for my own curiosity, research.

I was sitting on the couch, a small pile of books next to me while I browsed the contents of one page by page. “Not that one, not that one, not that one.” I turned the page of the book I was looking into as movement began to occur above my head.

“Mm.. m.. eh, huh?”

“Good morning, Twilight. Not that one, not that one.”

“Good morning, Sto-YAAA!” Purple hooves completely filled my vision as Twilight gripped tightly onto my head.

“Ack, my vision! Trying to read here!”

“Oh, sorry.” The hooves moves up to my forehead. “..Stone, why am I on your head?”

“Because you were holding onto it in your sleep and I didn't want to wake you, also it amused me.”

In a flash of purple light the unicorn transported herself from atop my head to just in front of me, an unamused expression decorating her face.

“Teleport spell? That's pretty cool, not that one, not that one.” I returned to sifting the contents of the book.

“The Complete Compendium of Creatures?”

“Yup, trying to find what it was I ate that could have given me the petrification power.”

“So you're just reading about every creature until you find the one it could have been?”

“That's the plan, though I did skip straight to 'H' to see if I couldn't figure out what the hydra could have given me.”

“You ate a hydra!?”

“Yea, it was back when me and Fluttershy went to the bog, kinda lost it a little and ate a chunk of hydra meat.” I idly flipped the page of the book. “Didn't learn anything though, apparently hydras can have a multitude of abilities partially influenced by their surroundings, so I'm just gonna let that sit idle until I can figure out what I got from it.”

“You ate a hydra?” She repeated.

“Yes, Twilight. Big multi-headed serpent that hangs out in bogs and swamps and likes to threaten ponies, I gulped bits of it down like it was a breakfast cereal. Stay on the ball and keep up with the conversa- ooh.” I grinned at the next creature in the book. “I think I found our culprit, a cockatrice. It's got qualities of both a snake and a chicken and it can petrify with its gaze. I do remember eating a weird chicken lizard looking thing when I first wound up in Equestria and its abilities fit the bill, although it doesn't pulse, gonna have to ask Desmond about that.”

“Speaking of Desmond, I don't trust him.”

“Really? Why not? Aside from the whole unexplained magical ability and apparent need to invade my dreams and get me to perform some sort of task for him that requires me to eat creatures for their magic.” I closed the book and set it down.

“It's just, something about him seems off. Like somepony you've met, but haven't.”

“And now you've lost me.”

“Sorry, that's not a very good description of the feeling I got. I just don't think it's a good idea to associate with him.”

“I will keep that in mind, Twilight. But, he is the only human contact I've had for quite some time, and he seems to know things that I should at least try to learn. Besides, the poor guy didn't even get to finish his exposition, we have to at least give him that before we completely dismiss him.”

Twilight gave a small sigh and lowered her head. “It's your decision, Stone. I just felt it wouldn't be right for me to not tell you about the feeling I got.”

From there the conversation moved toward our plans for the day, and once each of us completed our own morning routines, taking turns for things such as the bathroom, I was roped into assisting Twilight and Spike in gathering both her personal collection of the Stallions and Saddles series and the library's for the book signing.

“So, tell me again why the human has to carry all these books instead of the unicorn, who could just magically levitate them all?” I peered around the pillar of novels, I was forced to carry, at the horned pony walking the streets of Ponyville ahead of me.

“Oh, I didn't think about that, whoops.” Half of the pillar adopted a purple glow before moving to orbit the magic wielder.

We rounded a corner, putting us onto the same street as the bookstore, and were greeted by a small sea of ponies. “They had barely a day of warning... Damn, word of mouth travels fast in this town.”

“Well, Ponyville's number one traded commodity is gossip.”

“Twilight, was.. was that a joke, or was it an actual fact?”

“It was a joke, Stone.” Twilight lowered her ears in a slightly dejected fashion.

“Oh, honestly though, it would not surprise me in the least if Ponyville's economy was actually held up by information trading. It would probably be one of the most normal things I've encountered yet.”

“Stone, you keep saying things are not normal to what you know, but if most of the things you've experienced since coming to Equestria are 'not normal' wouldn't normal things be what aren't normal and the 'not normal' things be normal?”

“I... er... umm... shush.” With that most eloquent of responses, I picked up my pace to hurry ahead to the bookstore and signing.

Twilight quickly matched my pace. “What do you mean 'shu-

“Look Twilight, it's Pinkie. Let's see how everything's going with her.”

“Don't avoi-

“Hey Pinkie!”

The pink to the max mare seemed to part the sea of ponies as she hopped over to meet us. “Hiya, Stoney! Hiya, Twilight!”

“So how's the book signing been goin'?” Off to the side Twilight huffed slightly at being interrupted again, naturally I discreetly stuck my tongue out for a moment at her expense.

“It hasn't started yet, Stoney, S.H.C. hasn't shown up yet.”

“Really?”

“Yuperooni, but he will soon!”

“So then, that leaves us with the most accursed of options.. we have to... wait!...”

And so we did.

Cornering the Threat

I leaned back against the wall of the cave, smirking. They could easily be heard coming, the sounds of hooves on stone echoing down the tunnel. There was nothing I could do to escape so why bother panicking. The first came into view, a purple one, it had a golden crown atop its mane, just above its horn. Five others quickly filed in along side it, each wearing a necklace, they were a plethora of various colors, purple, pink, white, yellow, orange, one was even blue with a touch of rainbow thrown about it. So these were the things to put me down. Pegasus, unicorn, and earth pony; a pair of each. It's just as well, I was doing a lot of damage. Inadvertently of course, but damage nonetheless. At least I could take some solace in the fact they had to send this mysterious weapon 'The Elements of Harmony' and its wielders after me, that's a good ego stroke.

Sighing I stood straight and put my hands behind my back, no point in making too big a fuss. Maybe it'll turn me to stone, like with that 'Discord' thing, that would be nice and ironic. My executioners stood in a row between myself and the only way out of this cave, giving me looks that would strike fear into my heart if they weren't so adorable.

“This is the end of the road Stone-turner!” ooh, I like that name.

“Ya'll got nowhere left to run” I hope that's the name they call me by in the books.

“We're gonna stop this right here.” Maybe I should ask them to speed it up, it's getting kinda cold in here.

“You won't ge-

“Excuse me.” I interrupted the white unicorn in the midst of her contribution to this riveting conversation. “Could you maybe just use those element things on me already, it's getting a bit cold in here and I would hate for you to all get sick on my account.” They all seemed just a little off balance from that but didn't argue.

“With pleasure” They all seemed to get a very unnatural glow around them as the purple one finished speaking. Their glows each grew outwards to join with one another and began intensifying to the point where I thought I would go blind just before a great rainbow launched itself out from these ponies and towards my person.

“Heh, it's kinda pretty.” Damn, and I was doing so well with possible last words too. As the rainbow struck me full on I could feel the memories of the last couple months moving in my mind, almost like they were being judged.

~Bam Flashback Time!~

I had clearly been wrong about those wild mushrooms, that was my only rationalization for what I was looking at. Laying there in the dead fall trap I had somehow figured out to make properly, was a chicken. Well, it was a chicken when looked at from the head, all the rest of it was very much non-chicken and possibly evidence that dinosaurs turned into birds and had started going in the opposite direction. I wasn't even about to question why it was in a forest when I myself should not have been there. My stomach complained, it clearly didn't care what I gave it at the point so long as it was closer to being full and after two days of no real luck with food I had to agree.

So I carried this monstrous poultry to the nearby stream I had been drinking from and started washing off the blood from the bits of meat I cut off and then ate them. Surprisingly it tasted nothing like chicken and would have been marvelous cooked, if only I could figure out how to get a fucking fire started. I still couldn't believe I dropped my GPS over that damned cliff, I'm usually so careful about it. Sure this was my first rating 5/5 Geocache, but I'd be damned if it was my last Geocache ever.

Picking myself up from the ground I wrapped what remained of the odd bird in the small white trash bag I had brought, keep our forests clean, and stuffed it into my pack along with the few things I got out for my camp before continuing to follow the stream in hope of finding civilization. As I walked I glanced at the stream, this part of it was calm enough for reflections to show surprisingly clearly, my brown hair had quite a bit of dirt and leaves stuck in it from sleeping on the ground, my matching colored eyes had bags large enough for a two week stay in any major city, and I was beginning to get a beard to match my hair and eyes. Combine all that with the mud dried to my left cheek from where I slept and I had a look to match my situation, fucked.

After several hours of following the stream the trees became more and more spread out until I breached the edge of the forest. Looking around I found something that almost made me jump for joy, off to the right just barely in view was a trodden dirt path. That meant someone had to come through here at some point, that meant there might be people nearby, that meant I might be able to get a ride to my car or possibly home and a tow. A stupid grin beginning to find its way onto my now optimistic face I marched to the road and started following it away from the forest.

My grin had long since died, I trudged for hours upon hours along the road only stopping to drink the last of my water bottles and eat more of clucky the monster bird. The sun had just set when I made out lights in the distance. Could it be true? Was civilization really in sight at last? I picked up my pace just a bit.

By the time I reached the edge of the town the moon had been up for at least an hour. Moving near the first buildings I just felt like something was off, maybe it was the strange brightness of the moon or how colorful each of the houses were, but something just didn't sit well with me. Looking around as I passed in between buildings I noticed that this town seemed untouched by the modern world, or at least only lightly bumped by it's passing. The streetlights were candles on poles, the roofs seemed to be made of straw or hay in some cases and brick shingles in others, but oddest of all there was no sign of any electronics. No telephone lines or poles, no cars, no solid electric glows from the windows of a single home. It just seemed.... off-putting. After looking for anyone out at night and finding none I settled myself down between a couple of buildings and rested my head and arms on my knees, come morning I would try to see if anyone could help me get back to my home or car. Slowly and uncomfortably I drifted off to sleep.

Commotion was the first thing I heard as I opened my eyes to the lovely sight of my dirty shorts covered crotch. Raising my head from my arms with a yawn, I about choked on the air I was inhaling at the sight before me. The town was alive but not with people, to and fro everywhere were these brightly colored miniature horses. Now I say they were miniature horses but in the sense that they had a shape of a horse, other than that there was no comparison between these and a horse. Where a horse would have shades and colors befitting a natural creature these looked like they were under the effects of particularly bright shades of Microsoft paint, and instead of the straight rectangularish heads normal horses had these had a definite rounded look above the snout, all of that is beside the point that these horses were talking and doing business with such an air of normality I automatically assumed I was the odd man out here. I think I'm done eating clucky until he has been tested for hallucinogenics.

Carefully and quietly I got up on my feet before two new revelations hit me. The first of these being that not all of these horses were just horses, some had been carelessly defying gravity with wings that have no right to support the weight of a horse regardless of how miniature it is while others had a single horn protruding from the forehead that seemed to emit a strange glow from time to time. The second being that these horses were absolutely adorable, I felt like I got a sex change and turned five years old just looking at them. Essentially I'm saying they made me feel like a happy little girl and I am not ashamed to admit it. After about five minutes of standing in the shadow between the buildings watching the horsey people, I decided to bravely step into the light and hope they could at least point me to a human city.

Well that didn't take long at all to go straight to a disaster. I had barely been in the light more than thirty seconds and some of the horses began screaming about a monster come for their children and others either stood too shocked to move or just curious enough to move a little closer. Of course I could just stand there grinning like an idiot, too scared of the panicking horses to actually try and stop any of the panicking. That is until one of said horses plowed into me before giving a shriek of terror and reversing directions. That hurt, but then falling backwards and smashing the back of my head into the stone ground hurt even more. I cursed quite audibly as I saw a deep red and felt a shudder flow from the center of my body out in all directions. Rolling onto my front I began to try and get back up when something I heard seemed out of place, well I should say it was what I stopped hearing. The screams and panicking had stopped. Slowly I began to force myself back up, the red fading from my vision, and what I saw boggled my mind. All of the horses had completely stopped moving and become gray as rock. I looked from one to the next and even at the birds atop some of the houses, every single one had entered the same state. Experimentally I moved up to a stomach height horse that was sporting a top hat and mustache and I poked at it. It wasn't just gray as rock, it WAS a rock. All of them, all the horses around had just become statues. I ran straight out of that town opposite the way I had come into it.

That was the first town I ruined. Thirteen, that was the number of towns that underwent the same fate, each series of events leading up to it different but ending the same. With all the inhabitants turned to stone. Well not truly all of them, that is what got the manhunt after me started, they didn't all turn. As it turns out those far enough away from me when I let off that.... pulse.. don't fully petrify, they experience something I am truly ashamed to cause. Some of them get off with a hoof or two or maybe a wing petrified, while others will have half their body or random patches all along them transformed. From their screams I can tell it is a fate nothing should have to endure.

As I ran I got better at remaining hidden for the most part. I got to where I could go five or six days in a town stealing food and books in an attempt to find a way home. Every time it ended the same way though. I learned it took one solid blow to my body to set off the pulse. The location of impact didn't matter in the slightest it just had to be enough force to cause intense pain without knocking me out. Once the Royal Services were sent after me I felt that plenty of times. I did learn about this new land I had stumbled into from the books I stole as I ran. Apparently it is called Equestria and the inhabitants are called ponies. I prefer mini-horses but whatever. The sun and moon are controlled by two Alicorns, which are ponies with wings and horns, and the only two of their kind at that. I learned that these ponies had some kind of weapon called 'The Elements of Harmony' that had been used at one point to banish one evil to the moon and encase another in stone much like what I had been doing, and that this weapon was wielded by six ponies each being a living embodiment of one of it's individual parts. I had also learned that as far as written knowledge went there was no way for me to find my home, nor any way to remove this pulse ability or even a knowledge as to where it came from.

I went insane. OK that's a little overboard I didn't just suddenly turn insane. First I got desperate, desperate to escape this world, desperate for anything I could talk to without it turning into a fight and then to stone, and desperate for the running to end. Then I got depressed, depressed that I was trapped in a world not my own, depressed that I had nothing to relay my depression to, and depressed that the running would never end. That was when the insanity began, or should I say a sort of giddiness. I would become excited whenever I saw a new town, 'Oh maybe this one will have somepony I can speak with that won't end in stone turning, or maybe a book to show me how to get home, or news that the manhunt has ceased.... nope nope and nope! Oh well off to the next one!'

That was how it went from town eight to fourteen. Town fourteen is when I overheard that The Elements had been brought to head me off. Town fourteen is when desperation took back over and I ran away from the roads and towns deep into the forests and then to this cave with a squadron of pegasi following me. Town fourteen is the last town I turned before it came to this outcome of me in this dead end cave taking a full on assault from a rainbow of doom. I hope it doesn't hurt too bad.

~Flashback End~

I slowly came back to the present, the memories of the past months fading away. The rainbow was still enveloping me but aside from being pretty, it did little else. I frowned deeply, this was suppose to be the ultimate force for stopping things such as myself, maybe I just wasn't feeling it right. I closed my eyes and tried to feel inside myself to see if anything fishy was going on. All that got me was the feeling of a pulse but in reverse order minus the pain and a warm spot telling me that either everything wasn't my fault or that I lost bladder control. Whatever. With a shrug I cheerily sauntered out of the rainbow doom beam and up to my would-be executioners. They all looked so adorable with their little faces full of absolute horror.

“So then, would any of you have happened to brought a plan B?”

That was when I learned that if a sudden impact caused by let's say a pair of hooves to the head via a pegasus knocks me straight the fuck out I don't pulse, who knew?

The first night with the beast

I groggily began to open my eyes, then frowned at the space between my sprawled out legs. The forest floor was moving away from me and being replaced by new forest floor. That's not normal even in this strange world. Deciding to rub the sleep from my eyes I frown even deeper, my arms were not complying with this simple request. Looking for the cause of this treachery I find rope to be wound around myself down to my stomach and wrists. Aha, I was taken prisoner and being dragged thru the forest, that must have been their plan B! Examining my bindings I find the knot holding it together to be right above my left hand and with the slightest amount of wiggling I can put two fingers into the knot and pull it apart if I so choose, ponies probably didn't even consider what I can do with my hands, an unfortunate side effect of having hooves I'm sure. I decide to take stock of my situation a little more clearly before I do something stupid like free myself just to get kicked in the head again.

Looking to my left I see.... three balloons against a wall of pink? I lean back a little so I get the full picture of a pink pony hopping along with a mane that makes me think clouds decided to paint themselves pink and settle down on the pony rather than let it grow hair. Turning my vision to the opposite side, I spied a white unicorn with a purple mane and tail that curled into a loose spiral at the ends walking in a manner that gave a sense of sophistication. Deciding to see the source of my backwards locomotion I am greeted with an orange moon. I can only assume this is the orange one from the cave, at that time it was wearing a cowboy hat and sported a blonde mane bound into a, heh, ponytail. It must have been using it's mouth to drag my person by the rope, I had to admire that kind of jaw strength. Raising my eyes skyward I made out the forms of two pegasi flying overhead, these had to be the blue one with the rainbow mane and the yellow one with the pink mane. That only left one unaccounted for, looking around and not seeing a purple one with a pink streak through a purple mane I could only assume it was currently ahead of the pack.

Well then, time to use my awesome wit to interrogate my captors.

“Sooooooo, where we gooooin?” A master of information gathering right here.

My vision had become nothing but a pair of blue eyes, oh my personal space, how I shall miss her.

“You woke up Mr. evil bringer of doom!” Hmm, nah doesn't quite have the same ring as 'The Stone-turner'. I decided to be cheery with this one.

“Why yes, yes I did, so where are we going?”

“WE are taking YOU to Princess Celestia so she can decide how to deal with you.” That voice came from up ahead, must have been the purple one.

“So it's going to be like a trial?” I got a little hopeful.

“No, just a sentencing.” The white one destroyed those small hopes right there.

“Well then, when do you suppose I will receive this sentence?”

“We should arrive in Canterlot in two days, it would be sooner but something might cause a panic or petrify ponies if we went thru towns” I could only assume the purple one was blaming me for having to walk there. My ass was getting sore.

“Well then, can I walk instead of being dragged? As much as I love the ground chaffing me I don't feel it's fair for you to be doing all the work.” The procession came to a halt.

“Fine, but any funny business or attempts to petrify a pony and we'll have Rainbow Dash knock you out again.” I could agree to these terms. They waited for me to climb to my feet, easier said than done when your arms are bound to your side, and then we resumed our march thru the forest. I allowed the silence to remain for about ten minutes.

“Whelp, I'm bored, how about we play a traveling game?”

“Ooh ooh let's play I spy!” I can tell I will get much amusement from the pink one.

“That sounds wonder-”

“Pinkie Pie!” One of the pegasi seemed to be shouting down at us “Stop fraternizing with the enemy!” Wait, Pinkie pie? Rainbow Dash? Their names match their color schemes! That is just precious.

“We're not fraternizing silly! We're playing a game!” I approve of this logic or lack thereof.

“I spy somepony being a gru~mp” I sang the last word slightly with my 'idiot grin' at full power.

“Ooh is it Rainbow Dash?” I assume the rainbow maned pegasus to be Rainbow Dash, huge leap I know.

“Why yes it is Pinkie! You win!” This got me a squeal of delight and hoof clapping from the pink one known as Pinkie Pie and exasperated sighs from several others.

We spent about an hour playing rounds of THE GAME, I just made enemies out of the five people who actually read this, despite the protests of 'The Grump' but stopped when tree and rock had been used for the fifth time each. We progressed in relative silence after that until we came upon a clearing.

“We'll set up camp here for the night and set out again in the morning.” At these words from the purple one there were several sighs of relief as all of us, save Pinkie, let our rears hit the ground and the orange one spit out the rope she had been tugging me along by. “Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy would you two please gather some firewood and food. Rarity I would like you to set up sleeping arrangements and Applejack would you please dig a pit for a fire?”

“What do you want me to do Twilight?” Pinkie was now directly in the face of the purple one.

“I would appreciate it if you could watch the monster”

“I actually preferred that Stone-turner name!”

“The Stone-turner” yes! “And make sure he doesn't try anything. I will go set up spells to keep any wild animals from disturbing us.”

“What about me?” Stupid grin is ago.

“Sit there and shut up.”

“I'll compromise and just sit here then.”

With a groan Twilight started trotting to the edge of clearing, and I put faces to the names that were thrown around. The yellow pegasus was Fluttershy, The orange one that dragged me was Applejack and the white unicorn setting up leaf beds in a circle around the fire pit was Rarity. The names completely throw off my theory of each of them being named for their color scheme, guess it was just the two, but now my character introductions can be considered officially complete.... I mean I had all their names.... yes.

As the ponies went about preparing camp I looked to Pinkie who was now staring at me quite intently.

“So you're gonna keep an eye on me?”

“Yep!”

“Not going to let me even try to escape?”

“Nope!”

“You promise?”

“I Pinkie Pie promise!” With that she performed an elaborate ritual involving the crossing of the heart, foreleg flapping, and hoofing oneself in the eye.

“A Pinkie Pie promise?”

“Yep!”

“What's so special about that?”

“Nopony can break a Pinkie Pie promise.” Her eyes then glowed with an unnatural light as her voice radiated the next word with a sense of absolution. “Nopony....” Lo I hath stared into the abyss and what I saw was pink.

We sat there like that for some time, her grinning madly and myself with a new found sense of what true terror is. As the sun finished falling a fire was started and all the ponies ate while I was hoof-fed some pretty good berries that I was positive would give me diabetes if the taste was to judge.

Eventually Twilight announced how sleeping would go.

“Alright, we'll probably be able to see Canterlot tomorrow evening so tonight we'll have to sleep in shifts so one of us can always keep an eye on The Stone-turner.” That name makes me happier than it should. “Who would like to volunteer for first watch?” I spoke up at this point, a devilish plan in my brain.

“May I request Pinkie Pie take the first shift for watching me?” This earned me a groan from Twilight.

“Pinkie do you want to?”

“Sure thing Twilight!” Excellent.

“What exactly is yer reason fer wantin' this Stone-turner?” Applejack spoke! Must feel more talkative with a rope not filling her mouth.

“Well I haven't exactly had a lot of conversation, being on the run and all, and she seemed to be somepony I would enjoy talking with before I go to sleep.”

“Alright then.....” She didn't seem to fully trust my reasoning, and I do not blame her at all for that.

It was decided then that Pinkie Pie would take first shift, followed by Rarity, Rainbow Dash, Twilight, Applejack and then lastly Fluttershy. I had no intentions of letting these shifts go with peace and quiet, after all I could just sleep and let them drag me along during the day. Sure it would leave me with some sores, but playing mind games was just going to be so much more fun than walking through the forest.

For what I was about to do I would feel remorse. I would not show mercy, but I would feel remorse.

“So Pinkie Pie, do you enjoy songs?” The others who had all just laid down to sleep looked questioningly at me as I spoke.

“Of course I do! Who doesn't enjoy a good song?” Good good take the bait.

“Well would you like to hear a song of my people? You could even join in once you get the hang of it.” Her eyes seemed to brighten up, this is going to be great.

“I would love to hear a song!” Even the others seemed a bit more interested, but also slightly wary, as they should be.

“Well then brace yourself for a musical rendition the likes of which Equestria may never hear again!” I cleared my throat out and began to sing with a bit of whimsy. “~This is the song that never ends! Yes it goes on and on my friends! Somepony started singing it not knowing what it was! But now they keep on singing it forever just because. This is the song that never ends.....~” During the third repeat Pinkie caught on and joined in my merriment. I can see tonight is going to be very wonderful.

Hostpitals.. woo....

We knew exactly where to go. It seems that ten more minutes of wandering was more than enough for the pegasus Gilda was carrying and he 'remembered' that he knew where the hospital was. After I was able to save a fair number of his feathers from Gilda, he was more than kind enough to guide us there. That was a wise decision on his part.

The hospital itself was a very large multistory building with equally large double doors for an entrance. Gilda was visibly nervous just being in front of it.

“Do you have some sort of fear of hospitals or something?”

“N-NO! What kind of a wuss would be afraid of hospitals?”

“Alright then let's get in there.” I began towards the doors.

“WAIT!” I stopped and turned towards the gryphon, the pegasus in her arms rolled his eyes.

“Something the matter, Gilda?” She looked towards the ground and ruffled her feathers slightly.

“I might.. I might be just a little bit.. not comfortable around needles.. But I'm not a chicken or anything!” The pegasus in her arms gave a small snort before remembering who was the one holding him and quickly showed that he had the common sense to be afraid, glancing towards his wings. Lucky for him Gilda didn't seem to notice his snort.

“Well, there's nothing wrong with that.” I adjusted my hold on the two pegasi slightly. “I'm scared shitless of a few things myself.”

“Like what?”

“Falling.”

“Falling?”

“Yes, falling.”

“You don't mean heights?”

“No, there's nothing wrong with heights. It's falling off those heights that fills me with terror.” I turned away from the gryphon and towards the building. “Besides, I doubt they're going to make you even touch a needle if you don't want to, so let's just get in there and get all this over with so I can sleep before the sun rises.”

“Ugh, fine. But if I so much as see a needle, I'm bailin'.” I chuckled and led our way inside.

The interior of the hospital was.. well it was a hospital; sanitary, boring, a counter, waiting chairs, and seeming as if past the lobby there was nothing but hallways. Seated behind the counter was a white earth pony mare with a pink mane. As I approached the counter the pony looked up, first at me, then the pegasi in my arms, then at Gilda and her wing, then the pegasus she was carrying. Her eyes widened a little further with each small movement of the head.

“I'll go get a doctor.” The pony quickly galloped out from behind the counter and down a hall.

“Well look at that, I didn't even have to ask.”

“Probably because you look like a carriage ran you over.” The pegasus chuckled at his own 'wit' and I turned to face him and the one holding him.

“You know Gilda, I only said you have to carry him to the hospital.” My ears enjoyed the soothing sound of a 'thunk' as pony met floor followed by a couple clicks as a gryphon dropped onto all fours. The pegasus let out several complaints but made no effort to lift himself from the ground.

*Squeaksqueaksqueaksqueaksqueak* The fuck is... Suddenly three beds on wheels, pushed by very large stallions in scrubs, rolled into lobby; each one had a pegasus loaded onto it, two of which were taken from under my arms before I could even understand what was happening, and then were promptly wheeled away.

“I guess the doctor was ready for them.”

“So we can go now?”

“No we can't, YOU still need that wing looked at.” I emphasized my words with a pointing finger.

“It'll be fine, I can barely even feel it.” Experimentally I flicked the wing. “SCREEEEEEOOOOWWW!!!” Gilda reared up onto her hind legs and glared at me as I smirked. “What was that for!?”

“I thought you could barely even feel it.” She dropped back down and huffed at me.

“It might be just a little uncomfortable. But I can deal with it.” There was the clip-clop of hooves on tile as a pair of doctor ponies entered, one unicorn the other earth.

“Are you two the patients?” The unicorn asked.

“She's a patient” I pointed at my gryphon acquaintance. “I'm just bruised and tired.”

“I'm fine, it's nothing to worry abou- *flick* SCREEEEEEOOOOOW! Will you stop that!?”

“You won't have to worry about it once you let a doctor fix you up.”

“FINE!” Gilda stomped, I guess stomping is what you would call it anyway, past the doctors and down a hallway “Let's just get this over with!” The unicorn turned around and quickly caught up with her.

“And what about you, sir?” Huh, oh that's right, the other pony doctor is still here.

“I'm just bruised, but otherwise I'm perfectly fine.. as far as I know.”

“Are you certain?” The pony looked me up and down.. mostly up.

“I'm pretty sure, although if I wasn't I doubt pony doctors would know enough about us humans to diagnose or treat anything.” The pony frowned in thought for just a moment.

“That would be a definite problem for you, wouldn't it?”

“A small one, but I don't plan on getting sick or injured.”

“Nopony ever does.” He grinned up at me. “But I think, since you're already in the hospital, we should take measures to aid with that situation before it arises.”

“Huh?”

“To put it simply, you come with me and we run some tests and take samples of you in your current healthy state so we have records on file of how things should look. That way should something occur, Celestia forbid, we would have something to compare your conditions to and be able to do more than guess in the dark.”

“That.. Is a genius idea, no wonder you're a doctor.” The pony doctor smiled at me. “Let's do it.”

I hadn't even considered before what might happen if I got injured or sick so severely it would require medical attention, but even if I am giving the doctors something to work with in advanced I'd best try not to fuck up and injure myself horribly. I frowned at thoughts of myself with some stupid injury and dying from it because the doctors had no idea how to treat me.

“Are you alright sir?”

“Yea, just realizing my own mortality and how easily a lack of expertise on human medical treatment could get me killed.”

“Ah.”

“Say, do pony hospitals have lollipops?”

I laid back on one of the lobby benches to enjoy the sweet cherry flavor in my mouth. I just stared at the ceiling, idle thoughts drifting into my mind but staying for only a moment. Slowly my eyes became heavier and I nodded off.

I had that same dream. It felt like I should be learning something from it, but each time I come close to figuring out what it is I just choke. As I ate the various pieces of flesh in my dream, I could feel them get caught in my throat as I tried to work out why I felt compelled to eat them. It began to feel an aching pain in my esophagus and slowly the world seemed to break away.

I opened my eyes.. HOLY SHIT I'M ACTUALLY CHOKING! I sat up quickly, coughing and gagging as I did so. Doubling over I brought my fist against my chest several times and somehow managed to hack up that damned lollipop.

“Ugh.” I glared down at the sweet assassin laying in the small puddle of my throat-juice on the tile. “No more late-night lollipops.. Well, maybe no more cherry ones.”

With nothing to give my annoyed groan to, I let it drift into the air as I picked up the lollipop and walked it to the nearest trash receptacle. A small voice broke the silence of the room while simultaneously causing my feet to rocket off of the ground.

“Err.. Sir? Is.. Is everything alright?”

I quickly looked towards the origin point of the question, it was the white earth pony from earlier.

“Just fine! I think I might have just had a mild heart attack from sheer surprise but aside from that I'm peachy.” The pony raised an eyebrow.

“W-was that a joke or did you really have a heart attack, Sir?” I was completely incapable of stopping the face-palm from happening.

“It was a joke..”

“Oh.”

“So miss pony, what's the status on my feathered friends?”

“Pardon?”

“How are the gryphon and three pegasi I came in with doing?” The pony became noticeably more comfortable, evidently talking about patients was much closer to her area of expertise than speaking with a creature such as myself.

“Each of them has been thoroughly examined and treated. They're all getting bed rest right now so if you want to visit them, you'll need to come back later.”

“Fair enough.” I returned to the lobby bench and laid back upon it. “I can wait till they're up.”

“Er.. Alright, they will most likely be asleep for several hours still. But, if you want to wait there's no reason you can't.”

“I know there's no reason I can't, that's why I'm doing it.”

“Right..”

I closed my eyes and relaxed towards sleep as the pony left me alone.

FEAST!

Seriously? This dream again?

FEAST?

Yea, whatever.

I awoke from the dream for the third time and declared that lobby benches were even more uncomfortable than not-beds. After rolling into a fall off the bench with the grace of a dead yak, I climbed to my feet and approached the reception desk. Oh look a new pony, guess the other one had her shift end. I leaned over the desk to speak with this new pony, who seemed to very focused on a familiar looking book.

“Excuse me, three pegasi and a gryphon were admitted last night and I would like to visit them.” The pony didn't even look up from her book as she replied.

“The pegasi left earlier this mornin', the gryphon is still in her room. Room fifteen, just go down the hallway with the blue line, it's on the right side.”

“Thank you.”

Following the blue line I made my way to Gilda's room to ensure she was OK and then I could leave with all my post-fight obligations completed. After finding the door with the large fifteen on it, I strolled into the room to see how bad a shape the gryphon was in. She was lying in a large bed, a cast poking out of one side of the sheets, awake and staring at the ceiling.

“Why hello there feathered one.” I cheerily greeted the gryphon. “How's the wing.” She seemed a bit zoned out as she stared at the tiles overhead.

“Two weeks...”

“Two weeks?”

“Two weeks until they can take the cast off.”

“Well that's not that lon-

“Six weeks until it's well enough for me to fly long distance.”

“Err.. You don't have to fly any long distances do you?”

“I live on a mountain top that's normally a seven hour flight if the wind's in my favor.”

“So that's a.. maybe?” Now I'm not the best at reading facial expressions that involve beaks, but I'm fairly certain this one said, 'Are you a fucking idiot?'

“Are you a fucking idiot?” Nailed it!

“So then, I suppose you're stuck in town for those six weeks?” I expertly changed the subject away from my idiocy.

“Yea..” The gryphon leaned forward and sighed into herself. “I shouldn't have been so stupid and gotten myself into a fight.”

“Maybe you should look at the plus side.” I casually hooked my foot under a small stool against the wall and dragged it to the bed before sitting upon it. “You have plenty of time to work up the nerve to apologize to Rainbow Dash.” I think a feather or two flew off her head from the sheer speed of it turning towards me.

“How did you- oh right, I only sobbed about it to everyone in the bar.” She shook her head sadly. “I bet half of this lame-o town has already heard about what a loser I am.” I started to lean back, but then remembered I was on a stool and not a chair and quickly rocked forwards before I fell off.

“I wouldn't worry too much about that. There were only six ponies at the bar including Stale and I don't think those three pegasi are going to want to tell anypony about how they got their flanks handed to them by a gryphon before the Stone-turner could break up the fight.” I touched my finger to my chin in thought. “Actually even if told from the losing side that sounds like a bit of a bad-ass story...” At this point I did in fact forget stools are not chairs and leaned back far enough to fall off it like a dumb-ass. Apparently the gryphon found enough amusement in this act to laugh at my expense. “Stupid furniture is out to get me.” I knocked the stool back against the wall as I clumsily got back to my feet. “I'm glad you can find amusement in my eternal struggle with that cruel bitch known as gravity, but if you don't mind my asking, what exactly do you need to apologize to Rainbow for?”

“I'd.. I'd prefer not to talk about, I acted like a completely feather-brained jerk and I would rather put it behind me.”

“Fair enough.” I stretched out my back until a couple of pops came out of it. “I suppose I shall leave you to your hospital bed-rest recovery type.. stuff. Should you need me for anything while you're stuck in town you can usually find me at the library or working at the Salted Stallion. Farewell Gilda.” And with that I turned and left the room.

~Time skipping now boys and girls~

It had been a little over a week since my first night's work in Ponyville and things had fallen into a pattern of sorts. I would wake up each morning from the same damned dream, barely less tired than the night before, and spend my off hours meandering around the town or hanging out with ponies, who had begun to accept that I was going to be a part of the town.

“FEAST”

Alright, awake time. I yawned as I woke from the usual dream, not feeling the least bit rested. With a zombie-like sense of purpose I dressed myself in one of my outfits, having spent some of the newly acquired bits from my first 'paycheck', ponies don't actually have a checking system I was just handed a bag of bits, on exact copies of my first one from Rarity, and climbed the stairs to greet the rest of the waking world.

Ugh, bright colors and sunshine. Pony world is not kind to those without adequate sleep. I began to get my brain started by mentally going thru what I needed to get done, while my body went about the usual morning rituals in a mechanical fashion.

Hmm, should probably take my bit bag with me, just in case. I think it's about ten in the morning if my sun judging is accurate. Well no work today so I have plenty of time to get things done. Let's go get the day star-THE LIGHT, IT BURNS!!

I shielded my eyes from the brightness of the sun as I stood in the doorway of the library, definitely not kind to the sleep deprived. Stepping out of the entryway, I idly wished I had some form of sunglasses or something to keep that evil ball of fire known as the sun from blinding me. Wait, I have a cloak, quickly I pulled my hood up and tilted my head slightly downwards, excellent.

Strolling down the streets of town, now nicely protected from that damned sun and it's 'life giving' morning rays, I waved towards any ponies I happened to pass as I headed for the bulletin board I needed. It didn't take me too long to find my destination, I had actually learned not only how to not get lost in town, but also how to get where I needed to be quickly. A cold wind blew past me, causing me to wrap my cloak a little tighter around myself, the pegasi had scheduled a storm for this afternoon and I could already tell it would suck immensely to get caught out in it. I sauntered up to the bulletin board and checked the label on it: yup, this was the residency board, where ponies would post if they needed roommates or a place was for rent.

I took note of several places listed that fit within my budget without an absurd number of residents, one place actually had twelve ponies in one house and was looking for four more roommates, and I silently cursed myself for not bringing quill and parchment as I tried to memorize all the addresses. I quickly gave up on that. With a sigh, I jogged all the way back to the library; I grabbed a quill, one of the smallest bottles of ink, and some paper, then I jogged right back to the bulletin board, complaining to myself the entire way.

I am bad at writing with a quill; I am worse at writing with quill while balanced on one leg and using the other leg as a makeshift desk that I can write on. After several holes, large splotches of ink, and words spoken that would make a sailor cough in embarrassment, I had a somewhat legible copy of the addresses I was interested in.

I carefully blew onto the parchment a couple of times so the ink would dry before rolling it up and sticking it halfway in my bit bag I had hanging from my waist. Now I just had to avoid getting caught out in the rain. I looked upwards at the sky which had become almost completely filled with clouds, the pegasus were not slouches when it came to getting storms in on time. I still had a little time to get ba-

“YEAAAAAH!”

I watched in horror as a vastly over-muscled white pegasus used his front hooves to punch the fucking clouds. It began to rain, hard. Fuckin' pegasi had to be well organized and on schedule. I trudged back towards the library, not avoiding the mud patches as well as I could have, when I spotted three familiar little fillies.

“Crusaders!” I held open my cloak with an arm, the fillies quickly scampered into the slightly rainless area it provided. “You three get caught out in the rain?” They each shook the water off themselves and their fur actually puffed out, adorable.

“Yah, we was tryin' to figure out where we should have our crusaders meetin' till the storm was over..” Applebloom started.

“But we kinda started arguing and..” Scootaloo interrupted.

“We forgot when the rain was scheduled for and got stuck out in it!” I winced slightly at a voice crack as Sweetie Belle finished.

I shuddered slightly, my cloak was getting soaked enough for me to feel the water. “Well then, little ponies, since I can't just let you get drenched in this rain; I shall keep you as dry as I can and escort you to your destination. So, where to?”

“The boutique!”

“The clubhouse!”

“The Barn!”

I could not see this going in a direction I would enjoy...

“Boutique!”

“Clubhouse!”

“Ah'm tellin' ya the barn would be best!”

“The boutique has the most for us to do inside!”

“No place is cooler than the clubhouse!”

Right, I'm not letting this escalate. “Girls.”

“The boutique!”

“The clubhouse!”

“The ba-

“GIRLS!” Well, that put the bickering to a grinding halt. “Since you three can't seem to decide I shall decide for you, and the boutique is closest.”

“Are you sure it's closest?” Scootaloo inquired. I looked over at the building sitting about thirty feet from us.

“Pretty da- Pretty darn sure..” I made a slight effort to watch my language around the fillies, though little pony children spouting obscenities would be hilarious. I moved so we were facing the boutique, the ponies let out a collective 'oh' and we moved up to the entrance.

I knocked lightly on the door before opening it, a familiar voiced called out from somewhere in the back.

“Be right there in a moment!”

The crusaders rushed inside and got busy having some kind of meeting, pony children are now safely out of the rain. Rarity is clearly home, so I should probably stick around to say hiaiaiaiaaa... that is a lot of mud. I gulped as I looked at the trail of filth leading from the door to the crusaders' hooves then down at the mud gathered around my own feet. I quickly backed out of the boutique, shutting the door behind me, and took off in a full sprint for the library; there are much less painful ways to commit suicide than to stick around there until Rarity discovers the mud.

Stopping at the door to the tree home of knowledge, I heard what could only be described as the angry scream of an elder god who's domain had been sullied; poor fillies, I will be sure to say something nice at their funeral.