Eakin's Rapid Fire Pony Fics

Chapters

Twilight Learns to Prank
Celestia and Shining Armor Have a Chat
The Future of Fast Food (Optimalverse)
Friend-zoned at Bronycon
An Elusive Slice of Cake
'What If?' 2 (Stardust Totally Unauthorized Joke Chapter)
Surprised it Took That Long, Really (First Contact is Magic)
Some Things Never Change
The Totes-Amazing Nocturnal Adventures of Rainbow Dash
A Mare Walks Into a Bar...
Listen
Forever and Ever
Twilight Tries to Explain the Monty Hall Problem
The Legend of the Enchanted Spatula

Twilight Learns to Prank

TWILIGHT LEARNS TO PRANK

“I don’t know girls, it just doesn’t sound like such a good idea,” said Twilight. She looked over at the two good friends that had cornered her in her library and now were grinning maniacally, obviously sure that they’d be able to convince her.

“Come on Twilight, you’ve always promised you’d go pranking with us one day, and this one’s right up your alley,” said Rainbow Dash.

Twilight looked down at the library floor. She had promised...

“But the Princess? I don’t think I can prank anypony, especially not her,” she said.

“Go big or go home, baby!” said Pinkie Pie. Her grin somehow grew even wider as she sensed that her prey was right on the verge of giving in.

“Technically, I’m already home,” muttered Twilight but the others were not dissuaded.

“This’ll only work on her. Come on, Spike says he doesn’t mind sending the letters. The Princess is totally cool, she’ll get a kick out of it,” said Rainbow Dash. The baby dragon in the center in the room nodded his confirmation.

The Princess had suggested, gently, that she lighten up a little bit in their last correspondence. Twilight knew when she was beaten.

“Fine, I’m in,” she said as her two friends hoof-bumped one another at their victory. “Explain again how this works.”

“Ooh, it’s gonna be great! You write a letter, and you ask her if her refrigerator is running. Then she goes to check and she’ll write back that it is running. Then you write her another letter that says... *snerk*” said Pinkie as she fell over in a fit of laughter about what she had been about to say.

Rainbow Dash picked up the explanation from the point where Pinkie had stopped. “You tell her that she better go catch it!” she said before Pinkie’s laughter spread to her and she was unable to speak.

Twilight puzzled over their words for a few minutes before she caught on. “Oh, I see. The word ‘running’ has multiple possible meanings, and when they pick the most logical one based on the context it appears in and check, you subvert that expectation and in your second letter imply that you meant the more nonsensical one and forced them to waste their time.”

Pinkie and Rainbow Dash had stopped laughing. “Uh, yeah. But it’s funnier when you don’t explain it,” said Rainbow.

Twilight brightened up. “Are you kidding? That sounds hysterical,” she said. "Spike, take a letter please." Spike eagerly pulled out a quill and some parchment. “Dear Princess Celestia,” she began. She wanted to come up with a plausible reason to ask the question. “I have recently been experimenting with a new spell, and due to a small magical accident I have been experiencing unusual side effects. Nothing dangerous or that I can’t handle on my own, but to calibrate the spell matrix I need some additional data. This may sound like an odd request, but can you check to see if your refrigerator is running? Your faithful student, Twilight Sparkle,” she concluded. “How was that?”

“Perfect,” said Pinkie as she bounced up and down in place with excitement. “Send it send it send it!”

Twilight nodded to Spike and in a burst of green fire the letter was away. Twilight had to giggle a little bit at the idea of the Princess getting up to go check the small refrigerator she kept in her bedroom for late night snacking, a closely guarded royal secret. Maybe there was something to this pranking after all.

A few minutes of eager anticipation during which the girls had burst into giggle fits several times, Spike received a reply. Twilight opened the rolled up parchment against the table. As she read what was written there her glee turned to confusion, then horror.

My faithful student,

I am writing to you with dire tidings. It is good that you sent me this letter when you do, for we haven’t a moment to waste. My refridgerator, in fact, has ceased to function. While this would not usually be an urgent matter, unusual circumstances put the entire kingdom of Equestria in jeopardy. I was storing an unusual compound within that refridgerator. Its special wards are the only thing that can contain it fully, much like the special ward built into the refrigerator you store volatile chemical compounds in. Without the containment, the compound will begin to react violently and explode, taking much of Canterlot with it.

We have mere minutes, and only one chance. Your refrigerator is the only one which I am absolutely sure will be able to avert disaster. I need you to send me the coordinates in four dimensional space of it’s interior and I will teleport it there directly, saving Equestria. Also, it is absolutely vital that you ensure that it is functioning optimally. Quickly!

-C

The fact that the Princess had skipped writing out her title and name only drove home the urgency to Twilight. “Oh, this is bad, this is very bad. Rainbow, Pinkie, come down to the basement with me and help me take measurements. We don’t have a moment to lose,” she said. Not even waiting to bother with the stairs she teleported directly into her laboratory and collected the equipment she would need. She couldn’t figure out why her thaumameter wouldn’t work all of a sudden until she’d realized she’d switched two wires. She was cursing her incompetence for the delay it was causing as the others came down the stairs.

“Rainbow Dash, take this measuring tape and find be the distance between that refrigerator and the floor, ceiling and each of the wall,” she said as she hovered the measuring tape over to Rainbow Dash and indicated the big grey box against one wall where Twilight kept all the most dangerous experiments she did. The ones that had to remain at extremely low temperatures at all times. Rainbow saluted and flew over to it, unrolling the tape around the room and calling out numbers to Twilight as her mind raced to convert them into coordinates and fix her equipment at the same time.

“Pinkie, squeeze back behind the refrigerator. There’s a light back there and I need you to tell me what color it is,” said Twilight. Pinkie nodded and tried to jam herself behind the refrigerator. “What color, Pinkie?” asked Twilight.

“Geez Twilight, when did you last dust back here?” she asked.

“PINKIE FOR THE LOVE OF EQUESTRIA WHAT COLOR IS THE LIGHT?”

“Green! It’s green,” said Pinkie.

Twilight felt hope surge within her as she read the measurements off the tool she was holding. They just might pull this off after all. “Spike, send the following to the Princess. ‘Four eight seven point five, three one nine point nine, theta dash omega, seven seven one point two. Refrigerator is running at optimal levels’ and send it now!”

Spike scribbled down the figures and with a breath the letter evaporated into sparks. Now there was nothing to do but wait. As the seconds ticked by Twilight’s mind raced. Were they too late? Would she feel the explosion down here if it happened? A full minute went by with no teleportation effect. Were they too late? Was the Princess...

Spike coughed and a new letter popped into existence. Twilight snatched it in her magic and yanked it open.

Then you better go catch it.

Nice try, say hi to Pinkie and Rainbow Dash for me.

Lots Of Love, Princess Celestia

Twilight could only stare. Her eye twitched.

“Whoa,” said Pinkie who was reading over Twilight’s shoulder, “she’s good.”

Author's Note

Time Taken: 55:01
Song Looped: Mathematics - Little Boots

Celestia and Shining Armor Have a Chat

CELESTIA AND SHINING ARMOR HAVE A CHAT

Shining Armor stood at attention before the door to Celestia’s study and private office, waiting.

He was five minutes early for their standing appointment, which meant that he didn’t expect it to start for a good twenty minutes. In the three months since he’d been promoted to captain, he had never had one of these meetings start on time. He fully expected that the first time he decided to anticipate this and arrive later would be the day she actually was ready for him when she said she would be. So he was five minutes early.

It was actually only ten minutes before the door swung open. Shining Armor winced in sympathy as he heard the heavy knobs impact the walls inside the chamber. That particular patch of wall saw a great deal of abuse, and the masons who kept up the castle had wisely decided to specially reinforce it. “This act of tyranny will not stand, Auntie!” said an all-too-familiar voice from inside. “The great noble houses of Canterlot will never tolerate you rescheduling Pizza Party Fridays from 6:00 to 7:00! Some of us have theater tickets!”

Prince Blueblood stormed out of the office and stopped in front of the Captain. “You’re in my way,” he said with a dismissive sneer. Shining Armor didn’t have to look around to know there was space enough for three ponies to pass him on either side.

“I was waiting to speak to the Princess,” said Shining Armor. He had no intention of stepping aside.

The prince scoffed. “Is that why she sent me away? She’s far too patient with a bunch of waste-of-space ponies who fritter away her time when she should be dealing with important matters of state.”

Shining Armor affixed a cool glare straight into the Prince’s eyes, which startled him a bit. “Well, Prince Blueblood, I think on that point, we’re both in complete agreement for once.”

The Prince returned Shining’s glare for several seconds with considerably more open contempt in his face, but then he blinked. “Well, I’m actually going this way,” he said and turned to walk down another hallway rather than pass the unmoving Shining Armor. “Hurry up with your meeting so you can get back to training your guards in all the ways they can completely fail to protect us in the next major disaster.”

Shining Armor didn’t let it show, but that barb actually had a bit more sting to it than most of the Prince’s passive-aggressive little snipes. Before he could reflect on it, the Prince walked away, and the Princess’ perpetually-frazzled assistant Plumed Quill appeared in the doorway.

“Good morning, Captain,” she said, “sorry the Princess is running a few minutes behind schedule, it seems-”

“Let me guess, something completely unexpected came up that required her immediate attention?” Shining Armor cut in with a smile.

Plumed Quill’s stressed out frown turned into a real smile, if a very tired looking one. “Of course, just as expected.”

“How’s Solid Stone doing these days?” asked Shining. He’d met Quill’s husband once before at a reception, and made it a point to ask after him when he had a chance.

“Oh, it’s sweet of you to ask Shining. Oh, erm, Captain Armor I mean. I hardly see him these days. He’s been working around the clock fixing the damage from... well, you know. She did a lot of damage and now...”

“It’s been a big adjustment for all of us,” said Shining.

“Yes, well, how’s Cadence?” asked Plumed Quill, determined to turn the conversation back to lighter fare.

Shining Armor’s stoic composure cracked the tiniest bit as he winced at the question. “We’re in a tiny bit of a rough patch, I’m afraid,” he said.

“What? Nothing serious, I hope. You two are just so adorable together.”

“No, not too serious, at least I hope it isn’t. We were on the couch together-”

Plumed Quill hold up a hoof to stop him. “Whoa, Captain, I really don’t need those sorts of details about your relationship.”

“We weren’t doing anything like that, Plume,” said Shining Armor. Not at that particular moment anyway...

“Fine, sorry I interrupted. Go on.”

“Well, she asked me if I thought she might be getting a bit heavy.” Actually, the word she had used was ‘chubby’ but Shining decided that there was no harm in softening it up just a little bit.

“And you immediately told her no, she’s beautiful exactly the way she is, didn’t you?” asked Quill.

“Of course,” said Shining. There was a brief pause. “Well, that’s what I meant...”

“Oh, Shining... what did you say?”

“I thought it was clever,” said Shining in his own defense.

“Worse than I thought, then,” said Plume. “Just tell me what you said. Exact words.”

“I said ‘if you ever get really big, you can start calling yourself Mi Amore Credenza,’” said Shining. Plumed Quill just stared at him in horrified silence for several seconds, so he went on. “You see, I thought that if I used humor to defuse the situation she would see that-”

“You idiot!” shouted Plumed Quill. “Your fillyfriend asks you if she’s fat and you compare her to furniture?” She hovered a rolled up piece of parchment and started smacking Shining over the head with it. Shining was grateful his full uniform included a metal helmet; Plumed Quill could hit harder with rolled up paper than some of his recruits could with actual weapons.

“Ow! I apologized like twenty times afterwards. I even sent her something to say I’m sorry,” said Shining.

“You better have. Ugh, stallions. You can all be so clueless sometimes,” said Plumed Quill. “Wait, when you say you sent her something, you don’t mean chocolates right? Tell me you didn’t send chocolates to a mare after you called her fat.”

“I never called her fat!” said Shining. “Of course I didn’t send her chocolates. Geez, how dumb would I have to be to send chocolates after that?” he asked. Shining Armor made a mental note to change the order he’d placed with Cadance’s favorite confectioner at the earliest available opportunity.

“Well, good. Anyway, the Princess is ready for you so go on in. Try not to compare her sun to a lamp or anything while you’re in there,” she said. Turning back to the office, she led Shining through the receiving room. After a polite knock on the inner door she opened it to reveal Celestia’s office. “Presenting Captain Shining Armor of the royal guard, your highness.”

“Thank you, Quill,” said Princess Celestia looking up from the paper she was writing on and gave them both a warm smile. The quill continued to scratch out figures despite her attention being entirely fixed on Shining Armor while Quill pulled the door shut behind her, leaving the two of them alone. “You have a report, Captain?”

“Yes, Princess,” said Shining. He pulled a small sheaf of papers from his bag and sent them over to the desk the Princess was seated behind. She graciously accepted them and began to read, the only noises in the room the ticking of an ornate grandfather clock in the corner and the scratching of the quill, which continued to write away. Shining Armor glanced around the room. It was lavishly decorated, and Shining knew several museum curators who would give their right forehoof for the chance to put any one of her many objet d’art on display. It wasn’t just idle appreciation that made Shining examine them each so closely. This was part of the game, or maybe it was a test, or maybe there was no difference between the two where the Princess was concerned.

It wasn’t the statue. He wasn’t certain exactly how the marble pony perpetually pouring water from her jug into the small pool below her worked, though he was sure Twilight could have given him a detailed explanation if he asked her. The gently babbling water was always a welcome background noise, as opposed to the much louder babbling of the frustrated nobleponies who came to her seeking redress for often-petty concerns.

It wasn’t the Zebrican mask. He was used to that staring over the Princess’ shoulder as he gave his reports, frowning in a creepy and subtly off-putting fashion in sharp contrast to the Princess’ always kind and gentle expression. He glanced down at the lush, thick carpet beneath his hooves. Once it actually had been that, but not this time.

When Shining looked back up he could see that the Princess had already finished the report and was looking at him with an expectant smile. His eyes darted around the room, until they were caught by...

“It’s the painting,” he said as he tilted his head over to an oil painting that depicted a famous scene from the Siege of Baltimare, eight hundred years before. In the foreground, a small squad of ponies, evenly divided among the three races, stood at makeshift fortifications holding off a vastly larger force of monsters arrayed against them, while in the background a viewer could make out small figures evacuating the families and shopkeepers. “Last time I was in here, you had a watercolor hanging there.”

“Correct,” said Celestia with a smile. “Any guesses on why I might have switched them?”

Round two was underway. Shining reviewed what he knew about upcoming events and the special security provisions he’d been asked to make, a hundred little changes that needed attention to keep the kingdom running smoothly. One in particular jumped out at him. “Isn’t the Gryphon ambassador scheduled to meet with you this afternoon?”

“Right again,” said the Princess as her smile grew wider. “Yes, the ambassador has an appointment to yell at me for a half hour or so about how outraged his government is about my, and I quote, ‘disruption to the balance of power between our kingdoms.’ I wanted a little something that might remind him that ponies are not so easily cowed.”

“Disrupted the... Oh, I see. They mean her,” said Shining. His pleasure at winning the little back and forth they always engaged in at the beginning of these meetings fell away at the implicit reminder of his recent failure.

“Yes, her. She has a name you know,” said Celestia.

“I apologize. They mean Ni-... They mean Princess Luna,” said Shining. He tried his best to keep any disrespect or bitterness out of his voice as he recalled the way, not two weeks ago, the alicorn had reappeared, effortlessly overcame his most finely trained guards, kidnapped his charge, and plunged their entire kingdom into continuous darkness. The alicorn who the Princess had punished for her actions by making her Shining’s new boss.

If Celestia heard the way Shining had nearly slipped in calling Luna by the verboten name, and she almost certainly had, she didn’t mention it. Instead she turned her attention back to the papers before her. “Care to explain this letter of protest from the commander of the Wonderbolts?” she asked.

“I wouldn’t presume to put words in her mouth, Princess,” he replied. She waited. “Well... I have heard that your sister-”

“Luna,” Celestia interjected.

“I’ve heard that Princess Luna is looking to reconstitute her own team of fliers, the Shadowbolts, and she’s begun recruiting from the Wonderbolts to do so.”

“Yes, she and I discussed it. They’d be equals, and free to fly in shows together. Also, that reminds me of something else. Ask the Wonderbolt Academy to start expanding their training program, would you? We’ll need to be aggressive at bringing in the next generation of talented fliers if we’re going to have twice as many spots to fill.”

“Princess, with all due respect, the Wonderbolts don’t want to work for Princess Luna. Every one of them grew up with the dream of being a Wonderbolt, not a Shadowbolt. They may be equal in your eyes, but to the fliers themselves the name itself goes a long way.”

Celestia sighed, a disappointing sound to Shining’s ear. His job was to bring her solutions, not more problems. “Very well, I’ll see what I can do. Perhaps if I offer a higher salary or some additional benefits some of them will change their mind. Please do not mention what you just told me to Princess Luna.”

“They won’t fly for a Princess they don’t respect. You swooping in to offer them more money won’t change that.” The words were out of Shining’s mouth before he could think better of them. In truth it wasn’t just the ‘Bolts who felt that way. The look Celestia was giving him now bored into his mind, and he had to turn his head away. Glancing backwards, he reflected that while he couldn’t actually see The Line behind him he knew he’d certainly crossed it.

“And why would those ponies think that Princess Luna isn’t worthy of their respect?” asked Celestia.

Oh well. In for a bit, in for a buck, thought Shining. The worst she could do was fire him. Out of a cannon. Into the sun. “Because you don’t treat her like a pony we should respect. You upended the system of government we’ve been living under for a thousand years and made her your equal, but you want all of us to handle her with kid’s shoes. If you show up and try to bribe the Wonderbolts to fly for her out of pity, all they’ll see is a pony worthy of that pity. Until she owns up to what she did and faces the criticism of her actions head on, she’ll never be your equal.”

Little flickers of suppressed anger danced in Celestia’s eyes as she regarded Shining for several moments. Once again the only sound in the room was the ticking of the clock; even the quill had stopped writing this time. When she spoke again, her voice was level. “Not that I need to justify my actions to you, Captain, but Luna has been through a great deal and has a great deal more she’ll need to face before all is said and done. Trust me when I say I have a reason for my decisions.”

“I know you do, Princess. You see the world being mean to her, you see her hurting, you see her struggling and sometimes failing, and you’d give anything to make all of that stop,” said Shining. The pain in Celestia’s face told him he’d struck a nerve. “I know what it’s like to want to protect your little sister.”

“Yes, I suppose that you do,” Celestia said quietly.

“I can’t though,” said Shining. “I mean I could move to Ponyville with her and lock her up in her library where nothing could hurt her. It would probably take days for her to even notice. She wouldn’t be able to go outside and embarrass herself or get dirty or scrape her knees. But she wouldn’t get any tougher either, and she wouldn’t grow up. Isn’t that why you sent her there in the first place?”

Shining stopped, and the look on Celestia’s face made him begin mentally composing his letter of resignation before she chuckled. “It seems I got more than I bargained for when I promoted you. Thank you, Shining Armor. You’ve given me a great deal to reflect on.” Shining Armor might have imagined it, but he thought he saw her come to some sort of a decision right in that moment. Sensing dismissal, he gave a sharp salute and turned to leave. He’d reached the door before Celestia’s voice rang out again. “Oh, Shining Armor. One more thing.”

He stopped and returned to standing at attention facing her. “Yes, Princess?”

“Mi Amore Credenza? Really?”

All the training and discipline couldn’t keep Shining Armor from groaning aloud at the reminder. “You heard about that?”

“Straight from Cadence herself. Not exactly your finest hour, Captain.”

“No, not really. All I meant was-”

“I understand what you meant, Shining. So will Cadence, after a few more days. She’s hooves over heels for you, even at a time like this.”

Shining Armor couldn’t help but blush. “I feel the same way about her.”

“How long have you two been dating, exactly?”

He wondered why the Princess would have such a sudden interest in his love life. Cadence always spoke of Celestia with admiration, like a second mother to her after she had ascended to princesshood. Princess Celestia had taught her everything she knew about the ins and outs of proper royal behavior. “Officially, we’ve been together a little over three years now. Unofficially, well, I guess since the first time I walked her home after she fillysat for Twiley. Ahem, for Twilight.”

“Ah yes, that’s right. So, when are you going to marry her?” Shining was floored. His boss, sovereign ruler, and surrogate mother figure to his beloved was asking him a deeply personal question and he didn’t want to imagine what the consequences would be if he got the answer wrong. “Surely you must have thought about it.”

Shining nodded his head vigorously. “Yes, of course. I mean, we’ve talked about it a few times and... well actually I’ve been thinking about it a lot more over the last few weeks since I became Captain, but there’s always so much to do, and then everything happened with Princess Luna, and it’ll take me months to save up enough to buy a ring that’s... well... to afford a ring that won’t look chintzy next to a pony as beautiful as her.”

Celestia smiled. “An admirable sentiment, but I think Cadence would rather you spend time with her than work however much overtime you would need to purchase such a thing. Luckily, I believe I have a solution to both of your concerns.” Shining heard a drawer open up under her desk and a small jewelry box rose to the surface of her desk. “About five hundred years ago, there was a stallion who was, well, he was rather enthralled with me despite my best efforts to discourage his advances. Not that he wasn’t a wonderful pony, but my position comes with certain... limitations. Perhaps having Luna back will change that someday, but at the time I could not return his affections.”

“So what happened?” asked Shining. His eyes didn’t leave the box for an instant.

“He was a jeweler, you see, and he swore up and down that he would make me a ring that would change my mind and make me agree to marry him. He spent decades working on it, and in the end he became ill and died without ever proposing. I thought that was the end of it until the executor of his estate appeared in my court and told me he’d left a certain something to me personally in his will. Then he gave me this.”

Celestia opened up the box and Shining Armor’s jaw dropped. Inside was the most phenomenal piece of jewelry he had ever set his eyes on. It was a platinum band encrusted with flawless, rose-pink tourmaline. Fantastic though they were, they couldn’t hold a candle to what sat at the center of the setting. Sparkling there was a single humongous diamond, carved into the shape of a heart.

“Princess... this is... I can’t-”

“You certainly can. This ring was made to steal the heart of a Princess. It’s time for it to fulfill that purpose rather than just collecting dust in my drawer, don’t you think? Take it, along with my blessing. I can’t tell you exactly what the future holds, but I am certain Cadence will need a strong, compassionate stallion who will support and advise her through whatever troubles she may face. I can think of nopony better suited for the task than you.” Celestia pushed the ring toward Shining, who cradled the box in his hooves and tilted it back and forth as if something so perfect could only be an illusion or a trick of the light.

“I don’t know what to say, Princess, it’s gorgeous.”

“Just give her a few weeks to get over the credenza thing before you ask.” Celestia smiled at the stunned unicorn. “Let me be the first to say congratulations, and remind you that if you break her heart I have a dungeon with a number of vacant cells at my disposal.” Panic filled Shining Armor’s eyes. “I’m kidding, Captain. But really, don’t mess this up. That’s an order.”

Shining snapped back to attention at the word ‘order.’ “Yes ma’am! I won’t ma’am! Thank you ma’am.”

“If there’s nothing else, you’re dismissed. I need to discuss some things with my sister before I make any further decisions on these reports.”

Shining Armor tucked the precious box away in his things and opened the door to the office. He walked back out into the hallway in a daze. Plumed Quill said something to him, but the words never reached his brain. It was too busy with the first draft of his wedding vows.

Author's Note

This feels a little disjointed to me. Changes gears a little bit in the middle. You could do a whole bunch of "conversations Shining Armor must have had over the course of the series" fics.

The Future of Fast Food (Optimalverse)

THE FUTURE OF FAST FOOD

Jennifer tapped her foot against the bright but sterile linoleum floors as she waited for the idiot in front of her to make up his mind. Of course it would be on the day when she was already running late for her doctor's appointment. She'd been waiting three months to get an appointment to refill her prescription, and who knew how long it would be if she had to reschedule?

"Uh... maybe a number four? How many chicken fingers does that come with again?" asked the idiot in the red baseball cap. Honestly, who waited until they were about to order to decide what they wanted for lunch?

"That combination is available in sizes of six, eight, or twelve strips for the price of five, ten, or fifteen cents respectively," the terminal replied, the same answer it had given when he had asked the same question three minutes ago.

"I'll take the eight. Medium fries and a diet cola too."

"Very well. Your total comes to fourteen cents."

Jennifer didn't usually eat fast food, it was still really bad for your health. She'd admit that you couldn't beat McQuestria for speed, taste, or price though.

"Is it okay if I pay by check?" asked the idiot.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" screamed Jennifer. She blushed as the rest of the patrons turned to her. As she opened her mouth to apologize, another terminal at the end of the counter glowed to life with a little *ding!*

"I can satisfy the values of the next customer over here," said the monitor.

Jennifer pushed past several others trying to reach the terminal before another patron did. She nearly collided with a pink pony carrying a tray of glasses as she did. "Whoopsie-doodles!" said the Pinkiebot, "sorry, let me get out of your way."

Jennifer reached the terminal and looked down at the screen. "Look, I'm in a rush so if we could-"

"Welcome to McQuestria! Fastest growing eating establishment since 2022. How can I satisfy your values today?"

"Just give me a Sonic Rainburger, to go. And hurry."

"Your food will be ready within sixty seconds of the completion of your order. I just need a little more information to optimize your meal further." Behind the counter, the machinery in the kitchen hummed away preparing food for herself and all the other customers. The entire facility was completely automated. "Our Sonic Rainburger is usually cooked to a medium degree of doneness. Is that acceptable?"

"Yes, that's fine," said Jennifer, drumming her fingers on the countertop and bouncing on her heels as she willed the process to move faster.

"Would you like fries and a drink as well?"

"Sure. Orange soda. Just come on."

"Would you like tomatoes on you burger?"

"Yes."

"Would you like pickles on your burger?"

"Yes."

"Would you like to emigrate to Equestria?"

"Yes. Wait, what?"

The screen dinged again and went blank. "Thank you for choosing McQuestria! Have a nice eternity!" Two silvery tentacles slithered out from its sides as Jennifer looked on in horror. "Here's your change!"

Author's Note

I posted this on the Optimalverse forum earlier this afternoon, I just want to file it away here too so it'll be easier for me to hunt down later.

Friend-zoned at Bronycon

FRIENDZONED AT BRONYCON

“We’re here! I can’t believe we’re actually at Bronycon! I’m gonna buy a sketch, and meet the voice actors, and everyone from the forums and... and... Aaron, do you think one weekend will be enough? We have to do everything!”

I just smile. You’ve been talking about this for the entire train ride down, planning and replanning which talks, panels, and other events you absolutely have to attend. You’ve narrowed it down to a schedule that I’m not sure you realize calls for you to be in three places at the same time on Saturday afternoon. Now that we’ve actually arrived and checked into the hotel room we’ll be splitting you’ve gotten a second wind as you called the bed over by the window and dropped your bags down onto it. “Don’t worry, Justine. It’s gonna be a great weekend.” I don’t even care what we do. The weekend's main attraction for me is across the room, rambling on about plushies.

I only even started watching the damn show so I’d have an excuse to get closer to you, although I’ll admit that it grew on me once I gave it a chance. So now we’re away from work, friends and family for a weekend, sharing a hotel room. You’re giddy with excitement, and this is probably the best opportunity I’ll have all year to tell you that I’m madly in love with you.

And the fear is still holding me back.

“I wish it weren’t so hot, though. Baltimore in August, blech. I’m disgusting.” You’re radiant. You’re the most phenomenally beautiful creature on the planet. I have to tell you that. I cannot let this weekend go by without letting you know, or I think I might die. You grin. “I’d say it needs to be about twenty per-”

“Justine, I am going to hear that about a million times, or variations of it. It wasn’t that funny the first time."

You stick out your tongue. “Spoilsport. Where’s your Element of Laughter? Give me one second to throw on a pony T-shirt and we’ll go down and pick up our badges.” You pull a Doctor Whooves shirt out of your luggage and turn around and holy crap you’re taking off your top. I can see the straps of your bra and the line on the back of your neck where your skin changes from burned red to the cafe au lait color that haunts my dreams every night and tell you tell you now I’m going to tell you I love you and I need you and you’ll kiss me and we’ll never even make it down to the convention there’s so much more I want to explore about you and your body and I want to make you laugh and moan and-

“Yeah, I guess we should head down,” is what I say instead once your shirt is back on. You’re looking at me and I can tell that you can’t tell. You’re completely oblivious. How did I get so good at hiding this from you, and why couldn’t I be a little bit worse at it?

“Yep! Come on, the line looked like it was already getting long so we should grab a spot.” You impatiently push past me to get to the door, your body pressing against mine for just an instant before the fleeting contact is gone. You stop at the door and smile at me. “Hey, if you hit it off with some cute little pegasister, hang a sock on the doorknob or something. Although judging by what I saw of the crowd down there I think my odds are better than yours.” I don’t want ‘some pegasister,’ and the one I do want is impossibly close and impossibly far away at the same time.

Rather than saying so, I step into the hallway and follow you towards the front desk, and anywhere else you ask me to go. Maybe something will change over this weekend. There’ll be one perfect moment and the heavens will part and you’ll realize that I’ve loved you all this time.

Or more likely, we’ll come back from this convention with exactly the relationship we arrived with because I’m a coward.

Author's Note

Having been both the 'Aaron' and the 'Justine' in this situation at various points in my life, I know firsthand how much it sucks. If this is you, then stop waiting! Pony up and kiss them!

Unless they're in a relationship already, then you're screwed. Or rather, not screwed when you want to be.

Ain't love grand?

An Elusive Slice of Cake

AN ELUSIVE SLICE OF CAKE

Celestia had enjoyed many cakes throughout her long, long life. Only one, however, had been perfect.

The perfect cake’s very existence had been an accident. A serendipitous occurrence that came about when four pastry chefs, each one of them a master of their craft, happened to take the same overnight train to participate in a baking contest. The ride met with disaster, and after their respective desserts had been sabotaged by the competition they’d been left with little choice but to work together. Together they assembled the winning dessert from what was left of their own.

But fate is a fickle beast. Celestia, as lead judge, had been given a single slice of the monstrous thing before Pinkie had come crashing down on it. Pinkie had devoured it so quickly Celestia sometimes wondered if she’d even tasted it. She could only assume that she had not, for she’d given no sign that she fully comprehended how delicious it was. Or perhaps she had; Pinkie’s mind was an ineffable mystery, even to her.

After a single taste, Celestia had been happy to declare the impromptu team the winner, but she’d never revealed the full truth. The cake was not good. It was not great. It was truly perfect, a word that Celestia wielded cautiously as she was fully aware of the implications. This was the cake to end all cakes. A cake that, with a single bite, might cause a pony to go mad from the chocolatey revelation. It took all her willpower not to scarf the piece down as Pinkie had, heroically saving her kingdom from the fudgey apocalypse that would inevitably ensue as brother turned against brother in deadly struggles over every crumb.

Instead, the slice of cake was carefully hidden. She summoned forth all her unfathomable power and tore a hole in the fabric of reality to a place outside of time (so that it wouldn’t go stale, you see) and placed the mightiest guardians she could bind to her will to watch over it. From that day forth, the cake became her guilty little secret. The only way to safely dispose of something so inconceivably wonderful was to allow herself a single bite of it at a time, preferably after her longest and most trying days.

Today was shaping up to be such a day. It began with what should have been a simple anniversary procession through the streets to commemorate the eight hundredth birthday of one of Equestria’s greatest generals. Which struck her as odd, since she remembered him as something of an idiot whose ‘victories’ were a great deal more attributable to strokes of good luck than any sort of inherent tactical brilliance on his part. That’s politics for you, though, and she’d been obliged to attend the parade through Canterlot. Which meant that she’d been stuck along with the rest of the procession when a small bridge gave out under the weight of her chariot and dumped her into a dirty river. Perhaps the solution to a problem of excessive weight was not a sugar-based one, but logic and the Royal Bathroom Scale could go hang for all she cared. It was only one bite. She trotted into the royal kitchen and the chef fumbled with the pan he’d been whisking away at.

“Oh, Princess! Did lunch get moved up in the schedule? I’m afraid I wasn’t aware, but I’m sure I can make something to tide you over while—”

Celestia held up a hoof to cut him off. “No need for that. I only require a fork and a quick look inside the refrigerator.”

“Of course, Princess,” he replied, opening the silverware drawer with his magic. Celestia selected one of the larger ones. Just because she was only allowing herself one bite didn’t mean it had to be a small bite. The chef quickly returned his attention to his sauce and Celestia wandered over to the refrigerator where the dimensional fold was anchored in three dimensional space, right behind the jar of mayonnaise. Calling upon forgotten arcane powers never dreamed of by even the mightiest of archmages, she rent a gash in the space between dimensions, to the small pocket of the Between she’d cordoned off specially for this purpose.

From across the room, the chef tried to concentrate on his work. He’d been working at the palace for almost six months, and the air of inapproachable reverence that he’d initially felt towards his boss and co-ruler of the nation was starting to fade. Of all the palace staff, the kitchen workers learned the quickest that Celestia was, in fact, a pony much like any other. The cognitive dissonance that resulted from catching your deity with a guilty look on her face as she tried to sneak a cookie out of the Royal Cookie Jar made short work of even the most worshipful attitudes.

Every once in awhile, though, he got a reminder of the many ways in which Celestia was not an ordinary pony. The Royal Canterlot Scream that issued forth from the refrigerator was one such reminder, and the sheer pressure of the sound blew the pan full of sauce off the cooktop and into a wall, leaving a spatter pattern that might, if marketed correctly to the right galleries, enjoy a second life as a piece of abstract artwork.

“LUNA! I’M GOING TO BUCKING MURDER YOU!” she screamed as she raced past the forgotten chef and towards her sister’s bedroom.

Luna scraped the last bit of chocolate frosting off the clean plate with her fork as she scanned the pages of the novel she was speed reading. “So the terrorists have blown up the palace and murdered both my sister and me, and for some reason this leads to a minor cabinet member being elevated to the rank of Princess? I am not certain that this ‘Tom Prancy’ has any idea of how politics actually work.”

Hey musings were interrupted when her bedroom doors burst open to reveal the enraged white alicorn on the other side. Celestia opened her mouth to say something, but then her eyes locked on the plate and she froze.

“Oh, hello sister,” said Luna, returning her attention to her book. Her ears perked up at a high-pitched whining noise that was suddenly present in the previously-silent room, like air escaping from a cracked pipe at a tone that would be inaudible to most ponies. “Do you hear that? I do hope the new gas line running to my fireplace hasn’t sprung some sort of leak. That would be most troublesome.”

Celestia both heard and was the source of the noise in question. “You... You ate my cake.”

“Hmm?” asked Luna. “Oh, yes. I felt like a late morning snack before I turned in for the day, and found this in a small subspace rift behind the mayonnaise. I assumed it was up for grabs.”

Celestia could only stare dumbfounded at her sister. “Up for grabs. The cake that was concealed in a timeless pocket dimension, and guarded by a legion of oath spirits. A legion of souls who swore service to Equestria even in death and would strike down any who dared to threaten their charge. And most importantly, who are incapable of eating cake. And you thought it was ‘up for grabs?’”

Luna shrugged. “Perhaps leave a note next time.”

Celestia was struck speechless for several seconds. That cake should have lasted a decade, properly rationed, and now it was gone forever. She sneered at her sister. “Well, I hope you at least enjoyed it.”

“Meh. It was adequate. A touch too rich for my taste, really. I give it perhaps a six out of ten.

The corner of Celestia’s eye began to twitch.

Three days later, when the fires had finally been brought under control and ponies had begun to pick through the smouldering wreckage of that wing of the palace to see if anything was salvageable, the press asked how, precisely, the fire in Luna’s room had started.

The official explanation was that there had been a gas leak.

Author's Note

Just wanted to throw in a little tip of my hat and gentle ribbing of Tom Clancy, given his recent death.

'What If?' 2 (Stardust Totally Unauthorized Joke Chapter)

Please note that this will make very little sense if you haven't read up through chapter 28 (Gifts Part 2) of Stardust. Oh, and spoilers for that story as well.

‘WHAT IF?’ 2

“Now are there any other questions?” asked Bradford. The reveal to the team leaders that XCOM had been harboring an extraterrestrial who was gradually causing those around her to develop inexplicable abilities had gone as well as he could have hoped. He was eager to bring the meeting to a close, since his migraines were growing worse by the second. At least the future visions he’d been experiencing for the last few hours were fading a bit. Muddled words and phrases that were too vague to predict with much accuracy what the soldiers would say next, but still enough to give everything they said a tinge of deja vu.

“Uh, actually, yeah,” said a new voice from the back of the room. Bradford defaulted to his standard glower as Lieutenant Adams, squad leader for Strike Nine, stood up and squinted at the monitor. “Is that Twilight Sparkle?”

The silence that descended over the room was deafening as Matt openly gaped at the soldier. Commander Bradford’s eyes narrowed even further. “You have five seconds to explain how you have access to top secret information about Project Stardust before I haul you into Vahlen’s interrogation chamber, soldier.”

“Project what now?” asked the unfortunate lieutenant. “I’ve never even heard of that. I just recognized her from...” he clammed up, sealing his lips shut as a guilty look spread across his face. “You know what? Nevermind.”

Bradford was having none of that. “I want an explanation for how you know the subject’s name, and I want it five minutes ago.”

“Wait, so that is Twilight Sparkle? I mean the resemblance is uncanny, but that can’t be. She isn’t real.”

“Oh, she’s real,” said Matt. “She’s real and she cheats at cards.” The attempt at levity did little to dispel the tension in the room.

“But she’s a character from a TV show,” said Adams.

“She’s a what?” asked Bradford. “What show?”

Adams muttered something unintelligible under his breath.

“Speak up, Lieutenant.”

“From My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic,” he muttered a little bit louder. A snicker went through the room. “Shut up! It’s better than it sounds, okay?”

“And you’re telling me that this... ‘Friendship is Magic’ show is available to the public?”

“Yeah. I’m surprised you didn’t stumble onto it when you googled her name,” said Adams. Bradford didn’t reply. “You did google her name, right?”

“XCOM facilities are under communications blackout, and we are not in the habit of plugging the names of top secret assets into potentially-compromised search engines,” replied Bradford, mentally kicking himself for not doing exactly that.

“I actually have the first three seasons on Blu-ray...”

“Just when I think my life can’t get any more bizarre, the universe decides to go ahead and prove me wrong,” said Twilight as she stared at the image of herself landing a hot air balloon, an upbeat tune starting up in the background.

“You’re a magic-wielding alien unicorn from a planet where your teacher moves the sun by hoof. Bizarre comes with the territory,” said Lana. She tossed a few kernels of popcorn into her mouth and settled back on the couch.

“This is still weirder,” insisted Twilight.

“Can we skip the theme song? It gets old after the eighth or ninth time,” said Matt.

When Twilight nodded her approval, Lana held up her mechanical hand and pointed it towards the screen. The motion sped up, jumping ahead a dozen frames at a time. “Thanks again for building a TV remote into this thing. Best feature ever.”

“It’s not supposed to be a TV remote,” said Twilight, irritation seeping into her voice. “It’s supposed to allow you to interface with alien technology by synchronizing the wavelengths of—”

“All I know is that I don’t have to worry about Matt breaking the remote again,” interrupted Lana.

“You’re the one who broke the last one,” said Matt, reaching over Twilight’s back to grab a handful of popcorn himself.

“Let’s not go into assigning blame over who threw what at who. If you hadn’t dodged it then it wouldn’t have hit the wall,” said Lana. “Besides, I wanted to see that crazy time-slowey thing in action. Totally worth it.”

Twilight just shook her head and scoffed, turning her attention back to the television just as the words ‘Sonic Rainboom’ came up on the screen. “Oh, this is the time Rainbow Dash flew in the Young... well I guess I won’t spoil it for you guys.”

“So all this stuff actually happened to you?” asked Matt.

“More or less. The thing with Nightmare Moon, for example, it didn’t quite happen that way but I guess they had to condense it to tell it in two episodes’ worth of time. Plus they’re clearly taking some artistic license,” said Twilight, her tone becoming curt on the last few words.

“Like what?” asked Matt.

“Like what? Like what? Whoever drew me with flanks that size has clearly never gotten a good look at me in the flesh. They aren’t that big.”

“Yeah, come on Matt,” said Lana, leaping at the opportunity to pile on. “You should know. After all, you’re the one who’s spent more time than anybody carefully examining her fl—” The last few words were cut off by the magical bubble that wrapped around her head.

Meanwhile, from behind the one-way glass in the observation room, Doctor McCormick hunched over a computer monitor, studying the display intently as Doctor Vahlen entered. “How is she taking it?” she asked as she glanced over his shoulder at the search results.

“As well as can be expected,” replied McCormick. “The Commander authorized a connection to the world wide web seperate from the central XCOM network, and I’ve been poking around for the last couple hours. There are millions of references to her and each of her friends, even after I filtered out the pornography. Most of it seems to corroborate what’s she’s told us, at least up to a point.”

“Up to a point? Has Twilight been keeping information from us?” asked Vahlen. That her voice was full of confusion rather than anger was a testament to how far their relationship had come in the last few weeks.

“I don’t think so,” said McCormick, “at least not intentionally. Her knowledge runs right up to a few episodes before the end of the third season. What’s more, the original air dates for a lot of these were before she says they happened to her.”

Doctor Vahlen placed a hand on her chin, looking down at her notepad without really seeing it as she pondered that. “The implications are worrying. We know Twilight’s ability can manifest as a form of foresight, as it has in the Commander, but this is on another scale entirely and across interstellar distances to boot. The... being that created this might be the most powerful entity we have ever encountered.”

“I think given the circumstances, a field trip is in order,” said McCormick, a cryptic grin spreading across his face.

Twilight closed her eyes and let her mane billow in the wind as the helicopter flew over the empty midwestern field. The feeling of natural light striking her face for the first time in nearly two months was something she’d missed more than she’d realized.

Her headset crackled to life. “Careful, Twilight. Lean much further and you’ll fall out,” said Shen’s voice. She looked back at where he was seated between Matt and Doctor Ngo, dressed down in civilian clothes.

“Sorry, Charles. It just feels so good! The Field here is absolutely electrifying, don’t you sense it?” Indeed, the meadows they were flying over were a vibrant, slightly pastel green, and they were still a couple miles away from their destination. “It’s even stronger than back home in Equestria.”

Matt said nothing, fingering the pistol in the holster he’d brought along. There was no indication that the little Montana cabin they were headed towards had ever been touched by alien activity, but even with the weapon he felt exposed. Although if what Vahlen had said was correct this thing could wipe anything XCOM could throw at it before any of them could even blink. Bradford had made the executive decision to take an unusually gentle approach.

“Uh, sir?” asked the helicopter pilot, “is the target aware we’re approaching?” Matt looked out through the front canopy, and sure enough the field next to the little log cabin had a big orange ‘H’ spray painted on the ground.

“Not to my knowledge, but I guess we know where it wants us to land. Put us down.”

The helicopter landed, and the four passengers climbed out. It was a bit odd not to be deploying off an interceptor ramp for once. “Don’t forget your Wallflower, Twilight,” said Doctor Ngo.

“Oh, right,” said Twilight. Her horn flashed unusually brightly, taking everybody by surprise even in the midafternoon daylight. “Oops, sorry. There’s a lot of ambient magic floating around, I forgot to adjust.”

Matt shrugged. “No harm, no foul. I guess we just... knock on the front door. I’ll take point.”

“Remember, it’s a friendly visit and not a military operation,” said Shen. “We’re here as guests, or heaven help us all.”

Matt nodded, then carefully stepped around the blooming flower garden in the yard and walked up the cobblestone path to the front door. Right before his knuckles rapped against the cherry wood a female voice from inside called out. “It’s open!”

Doing his best to gather his nerves, Matt took a deep breath and opened the door not knowing what to expect on the other side.

Whatever he’d expected, it certainly wasn’t a redheaded woman in her thirties, sitting on top of two packed suitcases and regarding him with a kind smile and warm blue eyes. “Right on time,” she said, walking over to shake their hands. She leaned down and gave Twilight a big hug, ignoring her Wallflower entirely. “Come on in, we’ll have some tea.”

“It’s an honor to meet you, Ms.—” said Ngo before the woman waved him off.

“Please, just Lauren is fine,” she said as she walked into the kitchen. The others entered the living room, a modest coffee table with four chairs and two velvet floor cushion already set up around it. They sat there not knowing what to say to each other for a few minutes until they heard the kettle in the other room begin to whistle. Lauren returned with a piping hot teapot and six cups on saucers. “Twilight, would you mind lending me a hoof?”

“Oh, of course,” said Twilight. She lifted the cups in her magic and set them around the table. “Um, how do you already know me?”

“My daughter talks about you all the time in her letters,” said Lauren, steeping a little tea ball into the near-boiling water. “Speaking of...” she held up her hand and snapped her fingers. Matt leapt to his feet and covered his eyes against the surge of light. When he’d blinked away the afterimage, he gaped at the new guest who’d appeared in the center of the room; a giant white unicorn easily three or four times Twilight’s size, but with wings.

The new pony blinked several times herself, water dripping from the soaking wet mane underneath her shower cap. A little yellow rubber ducky floated in her glowing magic. She said something indecipherable to Lauren, and Twilight’s jaw dropped.

“What did she just say?” asked Matt.

“She just called her Mom,” replied Twilight.

At the sound of Twilight’s voice, Celestia’s head snapped around in her direction. Her predicament forgotten, she lunged towards her and grabbed her up in a hug. Tears streamed from her eyes as she began rambling in disjointed Equine, Twilight nodding and hanging on every word. “Tia, where are your manners? You forgot your translation spell,” said Lauren. She gently tapped the back of Celestia’s head, and the words the humans seated around the table were hearing abruptly turned into English.”

“I was so worried about you, Twilight!” she said. “Are you safe? Did they hurt you?”

“I’m fine, Princess,” replied Twilight. “These are a couple of my new friends. They’re the ones who’ve been keeping me safe after Discord dropped me right into the middle of a battle. They’re really nice, once we got to know each other.”

“Then it seems that I owe your organization a great debt. Thank you all,” said Celestia, nodding to the XCOM personnel.

Ngo was the first to regain his wits. “It’s an honor to meet you in person. Uh, in pony,” he said. “Twilight’s told us a great deal about your world, and we have so many questions for you and your people.”

“All in good time, Doctor,” said Lauren, giving Celestia a reassuring pat on the back. “I want to apologize to you all, as well. I asked my son to organize first contact for your world, but obviously he’s watched a few too many old movies. He doesn’t like to admit it, but he’s a bit of a science fiction nerd at heart. And of course he does love his chaos.”

“Then the invasion, the attacks, all of it was part of your plan? But why?” asked Charles.

Lauren shrugged. “Do you have any idea how hard it is to get a studio to greenlight an animated series for girls set in outer space? ‘No interest’ my ass.”

11/15/2016

PRINCESS CELESTIA TO DELIVER ADDRESS TO UNITED NATIONS COMMEMORATING ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY OF PORTAL TO EQUESTRIA BEING OPENED. AMBASSADOR SPARKLE TO PUSH FOR EXPANDED TRADE AGREEMENT.

PENTAGON REJECTS FREEDOM OF INFORMATION ACT REQUEST FOR EXPLANATION REGARDING SUDDEN DISAPPEARANCE OF INVADERS. ‘OPERATION DEUS EX FAUSTICORN IS JUST A RIDICULOUS INTERNET RUMOR. STOP ASKING ABOUT IT,’ SAYS MILITARY SPOKESMAN.

UNEXPECTED ADULT MALE FANBASE OF LITTLE GIRLS’ CARTOON ‘GALAXY GIRLS’ EAGERLY AWAIT SECOND SEASON PREMIERE. ‘THE OFFSEASON WAS WAY TOO LONG. I THINK WE ALL STARTED TO GO A LITTLE NUTS WAITING.’

Surprised it Took That Long, Really (First Contact is Magic)

SURPRISED IT TOOK THAT LONG, REALLY

Jeremy stared down at the device on the desk in front of him and continued to hate his job.

He glanced up at the clock on the nearby wall. Eleven thirty at night, and complete radio silence for the last three hours. The device, the one that would revolutionize the world, sat there quietly humming away oblivious to Jeremy’s contempt. Not that it was the machine’s fault, really. It was doing exactly what it was designed to, exactly what Jeremy had helped make it capable of: establishing and maintaining the first audio connection to Equestria. While Jeremy hadn’t been there himself, he’d returned from lunch a little after one in the afternoon to find all of his coworkers running around and shouting with excitement.

He’d managed to pull one aside and get the complete story. One of the other engineers, who’d been fiddling with a few of the connections when he’d unexpectedly heard a voice emerge from the supposedly-inactive speaker, had grabbed the microphone and on impulse answered. There had been nothing for a few seconds, and then the voice had emerged again, words just barely discernable through a thick accent, but there. For the rest of the afternoon Jeremy had mostly been ignored as Very Important People were called in to speak into the device. He didn’t mind. Sure, there were a couple ponies he texted once in awhile, but his job working on the transmitter had been just that: a job. Time Warner Google had been paying a premium for electrical engineers, and he’d have been an idiot not to take the job, despite the crazy hours.

Crazier when your boss is a fucking asshole, he thought bitterly to himself. As day in Equestria turned to night, the ponies on the other end of the connection had gone off to do other things with the promise that they’d have Princess Celestia herself ready to address them by the following morning. Needless to say spirits were high, and the whole lab was going out to celebrate. His boss, Frank, had waited until Jeremy was packing up his things to go with them, waited until the cruelest possible moment, to call him aside and ‘ask’ him to stay with the device overnight. “Just in case one of the ponies needs to talk to us, or it starts acting up,” he’d claimed. So all the rest of the guys were probably having a great time, drunk off their collective asses, while he sat alone in a dark office doing nothing but staring in silence at a device that did nothing except occasionally go ‘ping!’ when it completed some subroutine or another.

It was because he’d spilled that coffee all over him at the meeting last week, Jeremy just knew it was. The bastard had been looking for a way to get back at him ever since.

His stewing was interrupted when he realized the machine had begun emitting another noise. It was faint, but regular, a sort of raspy buzzing followed by a little hiss, then it would start over again. Jeremy frowned. Bored as he was, the last thing he needed was for something to go wrong on his watch. Frank would just love to find something he could blame him for. “Come on, what’s wrong with you?” he muttered to the the device.

“Buck!” Jeremy drew his head back at the voice that shouted from the speaker to his side. It was quickly followed by what sounded like something clattering to the floor. “Buck buck buck buck buck,” repeated the voice as various other scraping noises followed. “Uh, greetings, human!” said the voice. It was high pitched but scratchy, and a series of hacking coughs rang out. “I mean, hello,” it said more clearly. “If you could, uh, just repeat anything you said in the last... four AM? Seriously? Buck my life. Uh, that is anything you might have mentioned in the last ninety minutes or so. We had a... brief loss of communication. Oh, fewmets, Bluebelle is gonna kill me.” The voice stopped. “Is anypony there?”

Slowly, the picture in Jeremy’s mind came together. “Did I wake you up?”

“No!” it shouted. There was a pause. “Well, maybe a little bit, yes,” said the voice. “I was just... resting my eyes for a spell. I don’t know what time it is there, but it’s pretty late here. If you want to talk to somepony I can go find... well I’m actually not sure who else is here this late, but I could wake somepony up. I’m not, like, a diplomat or anything.”

“Neither am I,” answered Jeremy. “I’m one of the engineers who built this thing. My name’s Jeremy.”

“Oh!” the voice said, brightening right up. “I’m one of the Equestrian techs. Call me Mayfly. I was running some calibrations on the signal before the... um... eye resting thing. You’re not gonna tell anypony about that, right? I mean, we circuit sisters gotta stick together.”

Jeremy raised an eyebrow. “I’m a guy, actually.”

“Really?” asked Mayfly. “A male and an engineer? Wow. What are the odds?”

Was that sarcasm? “I’d have thought you’d be able to tell from my voice, though,” said Jeremy.

“Gee, let me compare your voice in my head to all the other human voices I’ve heard over my life. Oh wait, there aren’t any,” she retorted. “Seriously, I don’t even know what your species actually looks like. I have to guess from what I read in your books. Wait, on your planet are the males the ones with the ‘heaving bosoms?’”

“We are not,” said Jeremy. “What kind of books are you reading, anyway?”

“The mind-your-own-Faust-damned-business kind,” she snapped back, although even through the imperfect connection Jeremy didn’t miss the note of embarrassment. She sighed. “Look, sorry I’m being kind of a bitch. I wasn’t even supposed to be here tonight, before you people managed to bridge the connection all of a sudden. I had a date, finally, and I had to cancel on him at the last second when I drew the short straw to stay and watch this thing overnight. Do you have any idea how hard it is to meet stallions when you’re an engineer? You males have all the luck, it’s so not fair.”

“Uh, not really. Why would we?” asked Jeremy.

“Oh, I guess maybe it’s different for you on Earth. All my co workers are female, and so was like ninety percent of my graduating class.”

“It’s definitely not like that here,” said Jeremy. “Why is it so skewed?”

Another pause. “Look, I’m not a sexist, but—” Jeremy preemptively winced “—stallions are just worse at science. They all want the squishy, touchy-feely liberal arts fields or just to find a wife that’ll take care of them so they can sit around the house being a stay-at-home dad and drinking red wine. Even the stallions who were going into engineering were all, ‘ooh, Mayfly, circuit diagrams are so hard. Could you maybe come over tonight and show me how to do them? If we finish early maybe we could even have some fun hanging out together afterwards. Tee hee!’” The last words were probably supposed to be a giggle. Jeremy couldn’t say for sure, but suspected that ponies giggling wasn’t meant to sound quite that venomous.

“That’s... uh...”

“This one time,” continued Mayfly ignoring Jeremy’s attempt to interject, “oh Celestia. This one time I was talking to a stallion in one of the intro courses, and remember this is introduction to electrical engineering, and I was explaining how capacitors and transistors conduct electricity differently. Not super complicated stuff, I mean we’ve been building our own in Equestria for at least a decade now. So this stallion, and again, he’s enrolled in intro to electrical engineering, he stops me, looks at me and asks, ‘okay, but what’s electricity?’ and at first I kind of laugh like he must be kidding, because he must be, right? But then he just keeps looking at me like he’s expecting an answer and I realize that he actually doesn’t know.”

“Wait, seriously?” asked Jeremy.

“Yes!” cried Mayfly. “He listened to me talk at him for an hour and a half and he didn’t know what electricity even was! How is anypony that stupid? So then he asks me if I’ll come with him to the library and ‘show him how to do the homework’ which really means ‘do my homework for me,’ and then he has the gall to bucking wink at me and tell me that if I don’t tell anyone I’m ‘helping’ him he’ll give me a bucking wing rub afterwards. So I’m there in the quad kinda staring at him and thinking ‘you smug little brat, how about I fly up, grab a storm cloud, and shove some electricity right up your stupid, arrogant, tight, muscular, well-sculpted...” her voice trailed off, but Jeremy could still hear her breathing heavily through the speaker.

“How did he take it when you told him no?” he asked. The ensuing silence was deafening. “Mayfly, you did tell him no, right?”

“At least the wing rub afterwards felt good,” she replied, her voice barely rising above a whimper. “It sucks, Jeremy. I’ve been in heat for three bucking weeks now. Tonight I just had to slap on a fake smile and get through a ninety minute dinner with some prettycolt moron who I could ignore while he rambled on about his feelings or whatever, and then I’d finally get some relief. But instead I ended up stuck here. These last few weeks have been...” she trailed off for a moment. “What’s that Earth place? Bad people get sent there as punishment? Really hot? Monsters everywhere?”

“You mean Hell?”

“Is that what it’s called?” asked Mayfly. She chuckled. “Wow, I was way off. I was going to say Australia.”

“Well, if it makes you feel any better, I haven’t had a date in a long time either,” said Jeremy. “In fact I guess my last date was...” his contented grin faded a bit as he did the math, “...wow. Not for a long time. Actually, the gender ratio in engineering, computer science, and a bunch of other fields like that are just as skewed in the other direction. My program was probably about ninety percent male.”

There was a moment of silence. “So... you’re literally telling me that for any female engineer on your planet, there are nine male ones for her to pick from?”

“Well, I guess that’s one way to look at it but—” he was cut off by the high pitched screech that suddenly came blasting from the speakers. The screech stopped after a moment, to be replaced by an odd rhythmic banging noise. “Everything okay over there? I’m getting some weird interference or something.”

Instead of an answer, Jeremy started picking up word between the bangings. “Buck. My. Stupid. Bucking. Life. Buck. It. Straight. To. Australia.”

“Mayfly? You alright?” Jeremy leaned forward, wondering if he shouldn’t maybe text somepony over in Equestria. But who would even be up and nearby enough to help?

“No,” muttered Mayfly’s voice from the speakers. “I’m not alright. I’m just... I’m maybe a little bit lonely right this second. How do human females handle going into heat?”

“That’s not really my field of expertise,” admitted Jeremy, “but I’m pretty sure that in humans it doesn’t last more than a couple days at a time.”

“Kinda starting to hate your entire species, Jeremy.”

“Sorry,” he answered, not knowing what else to say.

“No, it’s not your fault. I’m sorry to dump all this on you. At least you’re a decent enough listener.” The office Jeremy was seated in grew quiet, and he started to suspect that she’d fallen asleep again before she spoke up. “You sound like you’re pretty handsome too, y’know. Just for the record.”

“Oh. Oh! Gosh, thanks. You, well, you sound pretty... er... pretty.”

She laughed. Her laugh said a lot, to Jeremy. Her speaking voice had been prickly and guarded, but that laugh was free. “Pretty pretty, huh? I guess it’s not quite the dumbest compliment I’ve ever gotten.”

Jeremy chuckled along with her. That laugh, though, just kept tunneling into his mind. He’d known a girl with a laugh like that, a long time ago. Before he’d gone off to college and buried himself in knowledge and science and learning at the expense of everything else, there had been that one short, awkward little goth girl, the one who he’d almost, almost asked to prom before he’d chickened out and stayed home for the night instead. “I mean I guess you don’t know what humans really look like, so how could you know if I were handsome or ugly?”

“You aren’t ugly,” she said with a certainty that made Jeremy believe it himself, a little bit. “I’m the ugly one. I’m not sure how often you humans bathe, but I’m running on three days since my last shower. That’s... somewhat longer than ponies usually go. Heh. I guess it’s a good thing I didn’t go on that date. Who’d want to touch me?”

“I would,” said Jeremy, immediately wanting to slap himself as he did. He glanced over at a poster on the far wall, one with a smiling man from the government, who just happened to be his employer, giving a thumbs up with the caption You Never Know! Don’t Say Anything to our Pony Friends That You Wouldn’t Say to Mom. Maintaining Good, Clean Relations is Our Goal!

He studied the poster for a moment longer, then turned away from it.

“That’s sweet of you to say, really. But you don’t even know what I look like,” said Mayfly, leaving his thoughts scattered and disjointed. “You don’t have to say that sort of thing just to make yourself feel better. Wouldn’t want to get your horn gross.” A little ‘eep’ noise followed the statement. “I mean hands! Hands? Right, humans have those. I guess I was just imagining that you were...”

“That I was what?”

“Nevermind.” Mayfly’s tone brokered no room for disagreement. “I should... I should go. I can get somepony to call you back tomorrow, if you still have questions. I’m sure my bosses do.”

“Mayfly?” There was no answer. “Mayfly, please don’t go.”

“...I’m still here.” Jeremy felt a huge, completely unwarranted grin spread over his face. “Hey Jeremy, can I ask you a question?”

“I guess.”

“What’s the difference between a field-effect transistor and a unipolar transistor?”

Jeremy paused, and frowned. “Aren’t those just different names for the same thing?”

Mayfly started to giggle. It turned out that pony giggles didn’t sound anything like the one she’d tried to imitate earlier. This one wasn’t hurt and angry, just joyful. “Yeah. They are. They totally are.”

“So then why—”

“I was just checking,” she interrupted. “...you’d really touch me? I mean, you weren’t just saying that?”

There was a long silence while Jeremy processed that. “Yeah. But I—”

“Say you’re touching me now.”

“What?”

The air in the empty office Jeremy was seated in began to feel constricting. He wasn’t sure he was comfortable with what was happening right now. Every fibre of his being was screaming to him to walk away.

He didn’t.

“Mayfly, is this really okay for us to be doing?”

There was another long silence. “I’m... I’m running my hoof down your cheek, as you hold me in your forele... sorry, your arms.”

“Look maybe we should—”

“Where are you touching me?” Jeremy stood up from the desk as the question lingered in the air. The safe thing to do is to walk away now, said the rational, hell, the sane part of his mind. Nothing has to change if you just pretend this never happened.

And then the other part of his mind chimed in. That’s true. The same way nothing changed when you didn’t ask her to prom.

“Um...” Mayfly’s voice sounded tiny as it issued forth from the speakers. “Are you touching me at all?”

Jeremy closed his eyes for a moment, and then made his choice. “Yes, Mayfly. I’m touching you.”

Some Things Never Change

SOME THINGS NEVER CHANGE

“Hello, Billow.”

“You again? Why do you keep coming back? There’s no point.”

“There doesn’t have to be a point. Isn’t wanting to see my brother enough?”

“It would be, if he were here. But he’s not. That other mare who’s usually with you obviously has the right idea.”

“It’s hard for Mom to see you like this. She was going to come with me, but she just... she just couldn’t bear it. But I wanted to come anyway. I miss you, Billowy. And Gusty misses you even more.”

“I miss him too.”

“You do? Really? Billow, that’s fantastic! Have you started to remember—”

“I miss how delicious his love for his daddy was. Made it a lot easier to stay undercover when I didn’t have to go sneaking around Canterlot looking for food.”

“...Oh. I... for a second there...”

“You thought you’d actually convinced me I’m him? Please. Your lies don’t mean anything to me. I don’t even have a name, no drone does. And if I did it certainly isn’t Billowy Cloud.”

“Well, he misses you anyway. Gnarled Root and I talked about it and we’re going to have the lawyers go ahead and appoint us his guardians. When you come home of course we won’t fight you for custody, but there’s a lot of things you have to be a legal parent for. I’ll still be Aunt Crosswind. I’m certainly not going to force him to call me Mom after what happened.”

“You should bring him to see me. I’ll tell him all about how I killed his mother.”

“We’re going to find her, Billow. Wherever they took her after the changelings stole her away, she’s out there somewhere. I’ll never stop looking. I loved her like a sister, and I owe her at least that much. I’m so sorry they took her away from you and left that... thing... in her place. We’ll find her and... well, at the very least we can give her a proper burial.”

“What are you talking about? Why would the Queen replace both halves of a married couple? We can’t feed off each other. See, those kinds of gaping holes in your story are why you’re never going to convince me I’m a pony instead of a drone. The hive is my family.”

“We’re your family.”

“Even after I murdered your sister-in-law?”

“You didn’t have a choice, Billow. It wasn’t really her, and if that kitchen knife hadn’t been there she would have done the same to you and Gusty. You were protecting your son from a monster. She’d be proud of you for being strong enough to save him.”

“The only monster in that house was me.”

“He cries himself to sleep every night. He lost his Mom, and no colt should have to live through that. He doesn’t understand why his Daddy can’t come home.”

“Well I hope you told him that it’s because his Daddy is trapped somewhere he’ll never be found. He has to find out sometime.”

“I told him his Daddy was going to come back someday.”

“So you lied.”

“No I didn’t. I’ll be strong for him, for as long as it takes. I’ll keep coming back even though seeing you like this is tearing me apart.”

“Must be hard for you, seeing your dead brother’s face on a bug.”

“You could change that.”

“Huh?”

“If you really wanted to prove to me that you’re a changeling. Why don’t you transform right now?”

“I don’t feel like it.”

“It’s because you can’t, isn’t it?”

“I could if I wanted to. Ask the guards. I turned my coat black just yesterday.”

“Yes, Doctor Inkblot mentioned that they had to take away your writing privileges. They’ll move you back to your old room once they’ve cleaned up the ink you smeared everywhere.”

“Well of course they would say that. They don’t want the other prisoners to panic.”

“They’re patients, not prisoners. This is a hospital for ponies with... your sort of problems.”

“Call it what you want. The point is you’re keeping me here against my will so you can interrogate me. Trying to make me think you’re my friends so I’ll reveal the swarm’s base of operations? Never going to happen.”

“I swear to you that one day you are going to walk out of here. You can stay with us for as long as you need to get back onto your hooves. I know Shimmer would love to have her Uncle Billow start to come visit again.”

“I bet she’s upset that she has to share her toys with your brother’s son.”

“Your son. And yes, she was a bit upset at first. It’s been a big adjustment for all of us. Once I sat down with her and explained that her cousin was her brother now, she came to accept it a bit better. I’m proud of her.”

“What difference does it make whether they’re siblings or cousins?”

“Big sisters are there for their little brothers. Always.”

“Cute. Did you practice saying that in front of the mirror before you came here?”

“Always, Billow. Never forget that. I will always love you.”

“Another lie. You don’t love me at all.”

“Of course I do.”

“Then why can’t I taste it on you?”

“Because ponies don’t eat love.”

“I’m not a pony.”

“You are.”

“Guess we’ll just have to agree to disagree.”

“Doctor Inkblot asked me to try something, I guess he thought it might help you. Do you mind if I ask you a question? If you’ll answer it he said he’s willing to lower the dosage on your medication.”

“The one that’s keeping me from feeling the hivemind?”

“That’s not... look, will you answer the question or not?”

“I guess you can ask it, then I’ll decide. What’s the question?”

“Alright, you say that you aren’t Billow, but I want you to imagine that you were. What do you think he would say if he could talk to us?”

“What kind of stupid question is that?”

“Doctor Inkblot came up with it, not me.”

“How should I know what he would say if he were here?”

“Well, if you really did replace him—”

“Which I did.”

“—then you’d have to get inside of his head enough to pass as him, right? So you must have some idea.”

“Fair enough. If I had to guess, I bet he’d say that he was sorry.”

"Sorry?"

“I think he’d say that it was supposed to be his job to protect her. He promised her on their wedding day that he would, that he would be by her side when they faced the bad things together. But when it really mattered, he couldn’t. He couldn’t until it was too late and the monster drove a knife into her chest and there was so much blood everywhere, and now he’s trapped somewhere dark and scary and he doesn’t know how to get out. He’s sorry he’s such an awful burden and he just knows that the ponies who loved him are going to give up and he’ll be stuck there in the darkness forever, and he’s screaming all the time but nopony can hear him and nopony is going to save him and he’s never going to get out. There are monsters in the darkness, Crosswind, and he doesn’t know if he’s fighting them or if he’s one of them, and he wants you to save him but if you save him he’s only going to hurt somepony he loves and he doesn’t want to do that so he doesn’t want to be saved. And he just keeps going around and around and all he can hear is her screaming and begging him to protect her like he promised to why didn’t he save her why wasn’t he strong enough why did he... why did he...”

“Oh, Billow. I’m going to save you. Hold on. I promise I’m coming.”

“...but Billow isn’t here so I guess we’ll never know for sure if that’s what he would say. It was a stupid question.”

“I... I... I’m going to go talk to Doctor Inkblot. I’ll come back to say goodbye before I leave. I have to get going or I’ll be late picking up Shimmer and Gusty. I’ll come back to see you this weekend, okay? And I’ll try to get Mom and Dad to come with me next time.”

“Like I care.”

“Humor me. Take care, Billow.”

“Wait!”

“Billow?”

“...”

“Billow, what’s—”

“Always?”

“...Yeah, Billow. Always. Always and forever.”

The Totes-Amazing Nocturnal Adventures of Rainbow Dash

THE TOTES-AMAZING NOCTURNAL ADVENTURES OF RAINBOW DASH

“You won’t get away with this Ahuizotl, Discord, Sombra, Nightmare Moon, and Mane-iac,” shouted Rainbow Dash as she hovered in the air before the collected assortment of her greatest foes. Daring Do, her friends, Celestia, Luna and the Power Ponies had one by one been picked off and captured by the nefarious alliance of totally nefarious evil, leaving Rainbow Dash as the only barrier between them and their really uncool plans for super-lame world domination.

Finally, a respectable challenge.

“Who’s going to stop us? You?” asked Discord, and the others chuckled at the very idea. Little did they know that their time was up and their fate sealed the instant they had decided to cross the amazing Rainbow Dash.

“Exactly!” Rainbow called back, totally not intimidated by the collective power of all the foes aligned against her and anypony who said otherwise was lying. “But I’m the good guy so you all get one last chance to surrender before I whoop your flanks from here to Canterlot and back.”

“Crystals?” said Sombra, raising a skeptical eyebrow.

Rainbow Dash felt the heat rise in her cheeks at the insult. “Oh, you did not just say that about my marefriend. You’re about to wish that you hadn’t.”

“Rainbow Dash, be careful! I don’t want to see you get hurt!” cried the way-sexier-in-those-librarian-glasses-than-she-realized Twilight Sparkle, futilely reaching through the bars of the hanging cage she was helplessly and kinda-arousingly trapped inside.

Rainbow took a second to flash a cocky grin at her. Sure, she could have just flown into the bad guys and kicked their flanks while she looked good doing it, but everypony knew that when you were rescuing a damsel in distress there were major bonus points for style. “Don’t worry, babe, I’m gonna wrap things up with these guys quicker than you can say ‘Wow, you’re so totally amazing, Rainbow! Take me now, you beautiful hunk of mare!’”

Twilight very nearly swooned on the spot. “Oh, Rainbow Dash, you have such a way with words! I love you more than all the super-boring books in my library!”

“Don’t I know it,” said Rainbow before turning her attention back to her foes, who had conveniently been sitting there waiting for her rather than attacking her while she bantered with the one mare who was cool enough to deserve the honor of being her special somepony. Now they were going down. Loosing a furious and totally intimidating battle cry, she charged her foes for the ultimate final battle.

As ways to be woken up went, being punched in the gut at 2:30 in the morning by her bedmate didn’t make Twilight’s top ten.

“Ow!” she cried, instantly brought to alertness by the sharp pain. The blankets and sheets she’d so carefully tucked herself in under were now strewn around every corner of the room, thrown by her flailing partner.

“Take this,” muttered Rainbow Dash, still sound asleep as she nearly clocked Twilight in the face with another swing of her foreleg. “And this, and a bit of this for good measure you fiends.”

Rolling her eyes, Twilight’s horn glowed as she collected all the bedding in her magic and tried to undo Rainbow’s damage. Over the last few months she’d gotten used to sharing a bed with the pegasus, and even adapted to the point where she could sleep through the snoring. Being sleep-punched was new, though. “Rainbow, wake up. You’re dreaming.” No effect. Where was Luna when you needed her?

“Won’t let... won’t let you hurt Twilight. Coming, Twi. Gonna save you.”

The mild irritation at being so jarringly awoken faded from Twilight’s mind. How did this mare not realize how very adorable she was? She’d throw a fit if Twilight told her just how cute it was when she talked in her sleep like this, but she’d blush and enjoy the compliment even as she protested. It didn’t hurt that she just had the most precious little stammer when she was embarrassed, one Twilight doubted she’d tire of even if she heard it for a lifetime. “That’s my hero.”

“My hero!” cried Twilight from her cage as Rainbow Dash’s roundhouse kick sent Nightmare Moon tumbling down a flight of stairs. Dash took a moment to glance over and give her a flirty little wink. Sure, she was mostly doing this to save the world, but she’d be lying if she said she didn’t also enjoy putting on a show in the process. But doing so proved a costly error as tendrils of the Mane-iac’s mane wrapped her in a crushing embrace, pinning one of her wings to her side. Rainbow struggled trying to twist her way out of the death grip as the shocked Twilight Sparkle looked on.

“Seriously? How are you still asleep?” asked Twilight. She’d wrapped Rainbow Dash up in the blankets trying to stop her struggling, and even managed to wrap up one of her wings. But all that had accomplished was making her twist and squirm harder, still entirely in the grasp of her dream.

“Won’t get away with this. Stop you.”

“Rainbow, seriously, you’re starting to scare me,” said Twilight. A fidgety bedmate was one thing, but Twilight wasn’t about to let her marefriend go sleep flying. What if she flew into a wall and hurt herself? Or managed to get out through the windows and get into all kinds of trouble outside without realizing it? But it was becoming rapidly apparent that the blankets weren’t up to the task of keeping her in check. Without any other ideas of how to control her, Twilight did the only thing she could think of. Yanking Rainbow Dash down to the mattress, Twilight rolled over and pressed herself down into Rainbow’s back ignoring the blows from her waving limbs. “It’s okay Rainbow,” she whispered as she straddled her. “I’m here.”

“Rainbow! Here!”

With her last ounce of strength, Rainbow reached out just as Twilight tossed her a purple piece of cloth she’d apparently been keeping somewhere. What was she supposed to do with that?

The cloth answered the question for her. As her hoof brunched against it it leaped into action with a life of its own and draped itself over her back, surprisingly heavy and also oddly silky. Sort of reminded her of Twilight’s coat, in a distant sort of way.

But it wasn’t just a fashion statement. Wrapped in the cloak’s protective embrace, Rainbow’s soul burst with a surge of confidence. Of power. A piece of her that she never realized she was missing clicked perfectly into place. And while she had totally already known that she could do anything already, she felt a wave of understanding pass over her. As long as she had this cloak, there was nothing that could stand in her way.

A fresh burst of energy easily tore through the tentacles holding her down as the bad guys looked on in horror at their oncoming destruction. “What? How is this possible?” asked Ahuizotl, “how can one pony have all this power? It cannot be!”

“Because I’m not just one pony,” explained Rainbow Dash. “I’m Rainbow Motherbucking Dash. And I’m in love.”

Then she totally Sonic Rainboomed all of them, like, a bajillion times.

When the noise and color had eventually faded away, somehow not blinding and deafening everypony in a fifty mile radius from sheer awesomeness, Rainbow was the only mare standing over the defeated heap of the bad guys in front of her. But she paid them no mind, for all her attention was devoted to one pony in particular. She raced over to Twilight’s cage and effortlessly ripped apart the bars.

“Oh Rainbow!” exclaimed Twilight as she fainted into her waiting embrace. “Did you mean it? What you said back there?”

“Sure did,” said Rainbow, grinning ear to ear. Sure, she still needed to free the others and lecture all the bad guys about never trying this again or she would totally beat them up again. The purple cape fluttered in a breeze that only seemed to affect it and nothing else, but made her look totally badflank. “Twilight Sparkle, I love you.”

“I love you too, Rainbow,” said Twilight. She looked down at her partner, finally at peace and still. A little trickle of drool seeped from the corner of her mouth as low and rumbling snores took hold, raising and lowering Twilight as she shifted her weight off Rainbow’s back. Not entirely, though. She nuzzled the back of Rainbow’s neck and was rewarded with an outstretched wing draped over her side, the very best blanket she could ever possibly ask for. With a gentle kiss in the one spot behind her right ear that always made her flinch, Twilight cuddled up in her marefriend’s embrace and slipped off to join her in a dream of her own.

A Mare Walks Into a Bar...

A MARE WALKS INTO A BAR...

The sleepy little tavern on the outskirts of Trottingham passed the late hours of the night in the same fashion it had for decades. A hard day of work had come to a close, and the diligent earth ponies who worked the fields had rallied themselves for an evening of drinking and relaxing with friends. The dozen or so ponies, mostly stallions, who were slowly intoxicating themselves while the proprietor looked on with a watchful eye as he wiped down his glassware were all regulars, a second family to one another. Rich, poor, old, young, educated, simple, a few tankards of ale and everypony found themselves on equal ground with all the others. The slurring familiar tune of an old sea shanty emanated from the three colts in the far corner, occasionally threatening to spread, virus-like, to the rest of the assembled crowd.

But then the front door flew open and battered the dented wall beside it. Every eye in the place turned to look at the new pony standing in the entranceway, face shrouded by a heavy black cloak. She stalked inside, hooves striking the floor with the sound of metal on wood, and muttered to herself as she walked up to the bar. The one stallion seated there, a salmon-pink earth pony named Copper, shivered as she came close and settled onto the stool next to him.

“Stupid sister, throwing me out into the middle of my own night. ‘Be more social,’ my flank.”

Copper was quite content to be ignored and turned his thoughts back inwards, ignoring the mare’s complaints.

“You there! Barkeep!” shouted the mare, easily audible over the renewed din of the tavern. “I require drink. A tankard of your finest ethanol-containing liquid.”

The barkeep cast a skeptical look over towards her. “You got bits?”

In reply, the mare dug through her things and pulled out a stuffed coinpurse with gold and gems spilling out the top. “Is that sufficient? My advisors have been telling me about something called ‘inflation’ and I don’t think I quite have a handle on it yet.”

“Yeah, I think you’ll be fine,” said Copper, more to himself than to his new drinking companion. The mare gave a shallow nod, still not looking over at him.

“Thank you for letting us know. In that case I would also like to purchase one alcohol for this gentlecolt.”

Pleasantly surprised, Copper waited until both glasses had been set down in front of them. A fresh pint of ale for him and a glass of red wine for her. “Thanks, hon. Cheers.”

“Cheers.” A dark foreleg came out from under the cloak and lifted the wineglass, clinking its rim against Copper’s. Both ponies took a long pull, and the mare’s glass was two-thirds of the way to drained by the time it reappeared.

“So, rough day?” asked Copper. He should at least try to draw the mysterious figure out of her shell. Maybe there’d be another round in it for him if he did.

The cloak rose and fell at the pony underneath it shrugged. “Well, I slept through most of it. But I do find that my elder sister’s insistence that I ‘put myself out there’ and make friends with somepony to be rather grating. She even had the nerve to commission a ‘How-to’ report on the subject from a local expert on the subject over in Ponyville.” The mare pulled out a thick sheaf of papers, at least fifty pages thick. She dropped it to the surface of the bar with a heavy thud. One of them escaped the pile and floated over the countertop before sticking to a ring of moisture condensing underneath where Copper’s mug had been until just a moment ago.

L,
I think the biggest piece of advice I can give you is just to try not to be quite so imposing. The yelling, the ominous stormclouds, all that can be intimidating to a pony you’ve just met. If you can tone down the intensity just a smidgen and give ponies the chance to get to know the real you, I think you’ll find yourself making new friends with ease.
-TS

The mare’s hoof came down hard and yanked the paper away, returning it to her pile before Copper could read any further. “Doesn’t sound so tough.”

The mare shrugged. “Perhaps not for most ponies. But I am not ‘most ponies.’”

“Why not? Who are you exactly, anyway? I didn’t catch your name.”

The mare sighed and, for just a moment, went very quiet. From the depths of the hood, Copper thought he saw the faint glow of magic. However, when the mare pulled her cloak away the horn he’d have sworn she’d possessed a second ago was nowhere to be seen amidst her dark blue coat and lighter mane. “Nopony of very much importance. At least not tonight. Just a thirsty pegasus.” She smiled at him and ruffled her wings for emphasis.

“Well I have to call you something.”

The mare grimaced. “Yes. My name. A simple enough question. One with a simple answer. Which I will give you. Any second now. I am Priiiiiiii...” she trailed off.

Copper frowned. “Didn’t quite get that.”

“Priestess! Yes, that’s what I was going to say! Priestess Luuuuuuuuuuuu...fah?”

“Your name is Priestess Loofah?”

“...yes? Yes! Prophetically named so for my special talent of... uh... working colloidal body washes into a frothy lather. An absolutely essential skill for a priestess to possess.”

“Well, it’s a pleasure to meet you, Priestess. My name’s Copper.” He bumped her proffered hoof. He’d say this much for her; at least she didn’t seem boring.

“Excellent!” declared Priestess Loofah. “Friendship achieved! Suck it, Tiaaaaaaa...pot. Teapot. Priestess Teapot. My aforementioned sibling.”

Copper tilted his head to one side, more than a touch befuddled. “I don’t think that’s really how it works, Priestess. Not that I’m not flattered, but you can’t rush these things.”

“Hmm,” said the Priestess, consulting her notes. “Ah, right you are. It says here that we should establish some sort of shared experience by exchanging views on a common topic. Perhaps current events, or some kind of cultural display which a great number of ponies took part in together.”

“Well...” Copper shifted nervously in his seat. “I do read the papers when I get the chance.”

“Then a thrilling and insightful discussion of current events shall lead me to victory. What are your thoughts on the gradual decline of the Sumareian empire over the last thirteen centuries? Was it inevitable, or would it have been avoided through more talented governance?”

“I... I think you and I have very different ideas about what qualifies as ‘current,’ Priestess,” said Copper. The excited smile slipped away from her face, and he scrambled to go on. “But you seem very informed about it. I guess Priestesses must study a lot of history, huh?”

“Hmm? Oh, yes! Study! From books and other secondary or tertiary sources, and certainly not from firsthoof experience. Right you are.” She sighed, and motioned for the barkeep to refill her cup. “Perhaps you should pick the next topic of discussion.”

“Hmm... well, do you like sports?”

Loofah brightened up immediately. “Sports! Of course. Very much so. We like the sports. All of the sports.”

Maybe this wouldn’t be so bad after all. “Well, do you watch any hoofball?”

“Uh...” stammered Loofah. “Is that one new? It sounds unfamiliar.”

“New? Only if you call a proud two-hundred-year tradition ‘new.’”

“I am afraid I can’t say I’ve heard of it. How does one go about discussing this ‘hoofball?’”

“Couldn’t be simpler.” Copper leaned back on his stool and called over to a green earth pony with a chestnut mane and thick horn-rimmed glasses. “Oy, Lichen! You see the game?”

The other pony rolled his eyes and called right back. “You mean that ludicrous display?”

“What was Winger thinking, sending Walnut out that early?” Copper gave a solemn shake of his head. “The thing about the Artisans is that they always try to trot it in.”

Lichen chuckled and raised his glass. “I’ll drink to that.”

Copper turned back to where Loofah was watching him, utterly fascinated. “Most aptly done. But alas, I did not observe the display in question.”

“Want to know a secret?” asked Copper with a sly smile. He leaned in and whispered into Loofah’s ear. “Neither did I.”

Loofah pulled away with a shocked gasp. “But you spoke of it so convincingly!”

Copper shrugged. “Nah, I just know the team.”

“So, if I’m understanding this correctly, one can forge a bond of friendship with other ponies simply by making sweeping generalization about the event with the benefit of hindsight? Of course, I’ve overheard the Royal Guard doing so on numerous occasions. This should be easier than I thought.” She turned around to face the same pony Copper had been speaking to a moment ago. “You there! Lichen, wasn’t it?”

“What of it?”

“I too partook of that demonstration of ludicrosity you referred to earlier, and wish to discuss it.”

Lichen furrowed his brow. “Uh, alright, I guess.”

“Were the tactical choices the players and coaches made not erroneous in the extreme? What they should have done was formulated a plan by which they achieved more scoring-touch-points in the allotted time while also allowing their opponents to score fewer! If they had only taken such a course of action, they would have achieved the victory condition set forth by the rules and been declared the winners.”

Lichen stared across the room at her for several seconds. “Well, I mean you aren’t exactly wrong but—”

“Then I declare this incidence of small talk to be a success! Barkeep, another alcohol for that pony.”

Back at his table, Lichen shrugged. A free drink was a free drink. Loofah was in a far better mood than she had been just a few seconds ago, and Copper found himself warming up to the undeniably quirky mare. “So if you don’t watch hoofball, what sports do you like?”

“In truth, there is one sport that is nearer and dearer to my heart than any other. The ultimate test of strength, conditioning, and agility. I speak, of course, of Cobra Wrestling,” she said with a grin.

Now it was Copper’s turn to be confused. “Cobra wrestling? Never heard of it.”

Loofah gasped. “What poor shadow of an excuse for a life have you lived if you have never been to a Cobra Wrestling match? It is the sport of Princesses!”

“Hey, Thirsty,” Copper asked as he turned to the barkeep, “ever heard of Cobra Wrestling?”

“Is that like, where cobras wrestle one another?”

“Nothing so base or crass,” said Loofah, “Cobra Wrestling is not about such cruel exploitation. Teams of one pony and one cobra each, united in their lust for triumph and the burning power of their fighting spirits, engage in in tag-team battles until only one combatant is left standing. Or slithering, as is often the case. Then, in a supreme display of goodwill and sportsmareship, all four combatants go out together for a round of the traditional strawberry and antivenin smoothies. It is the most glorious form of competition known to ponykind!” She slammed a hoof down on the surface of the bar, leaving her empty wineglass wobbling.

“That sounds really dangerous. Not to mention really illegal,” pointed out Copper.

“Nonsense! The matches are frequently non-fatal! If Celestia thinks she’d be able to get away with banning such events, she’ll soon find she has another thing coming! HEAR ME, FILLIES AND GENTLECOLTS!” Her bellowing brought all other conversation in the bar to a standstill. “I STAND BEFORE YOU WITH THE CHANCE TO BECOME HOUSEHOLD NAMES! HEROES IN THE EYES OF YOUNG FOALS WHO SEE THAT THEIR DREAMS OF ONE DAY BATTLING ONE ANOTHER WITH VENOMOUS SERPENTS IS NO PASSING FOLLY! THAT THEY TOO CAN BE LEGENDARY COBRA WRESTLERS, JUST LIKE I OFFER YOU THE OPPORTUNITY TO BECOME NOW! WHO IS WITH ME?”

The bar remained silent.

“ALSO, FREE ALCOHOLS FOR EVERYPONY!” And with that, a loud ‘Huzzah!’ rang out from the patrons and the night began in earnest.

“...And everything after that is sort of a blur,” Copper tried to explain to his very tired and very angry wife Saffron.

“So you really expect me to this High Confessor of Shampoo or whoever she was is the one at fault for you stumbling home, blackout drunk, at four in the morning?” she asked rhetorically.

“Sounds crazy, I know, but—”

“And how do you explain this?” she asked, holding up the piece of paper she’d found taped to his back when he collapsed in their living room. Copper studied it again as Saffron turned and left the room, muttering something about wishing she’d listened to her mother.

Copper studied the piece of paper. He had no idea why he’d ended up attached to a summons to the Royal Palace, much less why it told him to come prepared for lessons in ‘Team Building and Animal Handling.’ If only he could remember more of what had happened last night.

“I am never, ever drinking again.”

Listen

Author's Note

My entry for the August 2014 Minific writing contest, Famous Last Words. Special thanks to Skywriter, since I based this on his Cadence of Cloudsdale series, which you should go read if you haven't already.

Listen

Was this a terrible mistake?

Sister Loquacious looked up at the ceiling of the chapel, at the domes that had withstood rain and sleet and centuries without complaint. Rigid and unchanging, buttressed by tradition. Or perhaps, as it seemed to her at the moment, just enslaved to it.

“A bit for your thoughts?” came a voice from behind her, a voice as worn down by time as the grooves in the stone stairs that lead up to this sacred room. The very heart of Reduit. Where else but the heart would the little pink alicorn foal in the cradle before her be situated? “The vow hasn’t started yet, after all. Unless you were all sneaky and made it already.”

Sister Loquacious winced. Abbess Songbird still had a way of creeping up on her. Fifteen years serving at the abbey and she'd never quite gotten used to it. “I’m sorry, Abbess. I know I’m not really supposed to be in here, but—”

Abbess Songbird silenced her with a raised hoof and a smile that accentuated the already-deep lines around her eyes. “It’s alright. You must have a lot on your mind.”

“I do, yes.” The Abbess sat beside her and said nothing, waiting with the patience of one who knew when a mare needed to find a question on her own. “Abbess, why did you choose me?”

“Why did you submit yourself as a candidate?” she asked right back. “I’ll admit I was a little surprised when you did. You’ve never had any trouble living up to your name.”

Sister Loquacious thought on it for a moment. That moment a year ago seemed so far away now. “I’m hoping I’ve gotten all that out of my system. I think my devotion is strong, but what if it isn’t enough? What if I stub a hoof or bark my shin and accidentally say something?”

“Well then,” said Abbess Songbird, face growing stern, “you would never be heard from again.” Then she winked. “Of course, not being heard from is rather the point of taking a vow of silence. Sister Bluebelle managed just fine, Princesses rest her soul. Still, if you don’t want to do this I can choose another.”

Sister Loquacious gaped at her. “You can’t do that! I mean, you said that the Princess-Goddess herself gave a sign!”

A little coo drifted from the cradle as said Princess-Goddess turned over in her sleep. It was, after all, the Sacred Naptime. The abbess put a hoof to her ear and leaned towards it before letting out an exaggerated gasp. “Why, did you hear that? The Princess-Goddess, in her infinite wisdom, has just decreed that Sister Loquacious may, if she so chooses, go back to working in the gardens. I, as her humble servant, have no choice but to obey.” She laid a hoof over Loquacious’ wrinkled robes, specially dyed blue to signify the new role she was preparing to step into. “Amazing what you can hear when you’re listening. All the Princess-Goddess asks is that you open your heart to her. If you do, utterly and truly, then when we are blessed with the First Word you will hear it no matter how far away you may be. The scriptures say that even your predecessors, all the mares who bore the duties of being She Who Listens, will hear it from the world beyond.”

Sister Loquacious slowly nodded, and her ear twitched at the smack of tiny lips from within the cradle as the Princess-Goddess shifted to make herself more comfortable. There were symphonies in that one little note, for anypony who would try to hear them.

She would try.

“I’m ready, Abbess,” she said.

“I know, dear,” said Abbess Songbird. “Step up to the cradle. Make your promise.”

Sister Loquacious crept as silently as she could towards the sleeping filly, but despite her efforts her hoof falls echoed through the room. Amazing that she’d never until now noticed such sounds. Looking down on the object of her devotion, she smiled at the little puddle of divine slobber pooling beside a tiny cheek. It was just impossible not to smile when you looked at her. She turned back to the Abbess, who nodded. It wasn’t a complicated ceremony; that part would come later. But this was the important bit.

Sister Loquacious took a deep breath and let it out. “Mi amore,” she began, savoring the last sounds that would, Princess-Goddess willing, ever pass her lips, “now and forever, I am listening.”

Forever and Ever

Celestia reached out from her balcony with her divine magic, stirring the cosmos and bringing the dawn forth for the... millionth time? Billionth? Trillionth? In truth she had lost count long ago. Most ponies, she knew, thought of her immortality as a curse or at best a mixed blessing.

They were wrong. Living forever was amazing.

She didn’t have the heart to tell them that all the tragic plays and epic works of literature they had written about her (or thinly-veiled copies of her) were starting from a flawed premise. That she wasn’t perpetually on the edge of buckling under a thousand lifetimes of accumulated stress or contemplating boredom-induced suicide.

At a social gathering a few centuries ago, a pony with a knack for mathematics had been seated next to her. He was nervous, as her subjects often were in her presence, and imbibed a somewhat imprudent amount of wine to settle his nerves. Halfway through his third glass he’d turned to her and very earnestly explained how every time a deck of cards was randomly shuffled it was overwhelmingly likely that the configuration it ended up in had never existed at any time throughout history. There were more ways to shuffle a deck of cards than there were stars in Luna’s sky. That had stuck with her. Infinite possibilities in just fifty two little slips of paper. And she had an entire kingdom. How could she ever get bored with that?

Did she sometimes resent the responsibilities of being the Princess of Equestria? Sure, but that wasn’t an immortal thing. Mortals felt the stress of their jobs all the time, even jobs they loved. Plus being immortal meant that she could, on the spur of the moment, hand the crown off to her equally-qualified sister and spend the odd decade or so sailing the Maribbean as ‘Celestia, Queen of the Pirates’ without regrets. Hypothetically. On a completely unrelated note, she reminded herself to renew the Official State Secret classification on the name of the island where a sizable portion of the Equestrian treasury was still buried.

There had been pain and hard times. Countless generations of ponies she’d seen be born, grow up, age and die. She felt the sting of that loss, but only because of how sharply it contrasted with the lifetimes full of incredible joy she’d been privileged to share with them. There was ample love in her heart for every new soul that touched hers, and even after all this time her little ponies were still finding new ways to surprise her. As for the ones that had passed on, well, as long as she remembered them how could she say they were really gone? As long as she remembered them, she could share her greatest blessing with them. That of eternal life.

Author's Note

Originally my part of the This I Believe collab, which I forgot about for a long time and decided to repost here when I accidentally rediscovered it. And yes, this was the original incarnation of 'Pirate Queen Celestia' from The Late Afternoon of the Zombie Gerbil Horde

Twilight Tries to Explain the Monty Hall Problem

TWILIGHT TRIES TO EXPLAIN THE MONTY HALL PROBLEM

“There are two doors, so it’s fifty-fifty. Even I know that,” said Rainbow Dash.

Twilight rubbed her temples with her front hooves. Somehow, her efforts to explain this to her friends were about to enter their third consecutive hour. The five mares on the other side of the table, which was completely covered with papers that displayed various diagrams, proofs, and equations Twilight had scribbled out as she tried to explain what was to her a simple if counter-intuitive math problem, regarded her with various degrees of boredom.

“It’s not though. If you switch you have a two in three chance of getting the prize you want,” said Twilight for the hundredth time.

“Not that I think that you’re wrong Twilight, because I know this is something important to you but, um, it still seems like the prize is equally likely to be behind either door. Isn’t that the way you said it was set up?” asked Fluttershy.

“Well yes, in the beginning it’s equally likely to be behind any given door, but... OK, let me start this from the top again,” said Twilight. The others groaned.

“Twilight, we’re all very hungry. We were supposed to leave for lunch some time ago. This has hardly been the ‘just five minutes’ you claimed when you began your explanation,” said Rarity.

“But it’s simple! I’m sure you’ll understand it once I explain it the right way,” said Twilight.

“Oh well,” said Rarity resigning herself to her fate, “I’m sure they’ve given away our table by now anyway.”

“So like I was saying you start with three doors,” said Twilight. Her horn glowed and three tiny illusionary doors appeared in front of her. “Now behind one door is a brand new chariot which is the prize that you want.”

“What am ah supposed to do with a new chariot? The ol’ wagon’s plenty fine for hauling apples to market. It’d just sit in the barn and rust,” said Applejack.

“You want it, OK? You just do,” snapped Twilight glaring at the pony who had interrupted her. “Now behind the other two doors are the boobie prizes. Pick one of them and you win a goat, which is bad.”

“What’s wrong with a goat?” asked Pinkie, “some of my best friends are goats!”

“It’s just...” Twilight felt her tension headache coming back. She considered just giving up, and immediately chided herself for even thinking that. If she quit now, then the last two hours would have been a total waste of time, and she refused to have thrown off her entire afternoon schedule for nothing. “That’s just the way the problem is set up,” she finished lamely.

“And how can you ‘win’ a goat anyway?” continued the relentless pony, “Isn’t that kinda like slavery?”

“It’s just a math problem,” said Twilight, desperately trying to get her explanation back on track, “It doesn’t matter what happens with the goat afterwards.”

“It probably matters to the goat,” said Fluttershy.

“Whatever! The point is, after you pick a door but before you open it the host, who knows which door has which prize, opens up a door with a goat behind it. So now there are two doors, and he asks you if you want to open the door you originally picked or switch. While you might think it wouldn’t matter, but there’s a two thirds chance of getting the chariot if you switch, but only one third if you stay with the original door,” said Twilight.

“Uh, no Twilight,” said Rainbow Dash as Twilight felt her hopes fade even further, “there’s one goat and one chariot. So it’s a one in two chance of being behind either door.”

“It isn’t though, because the host always opens up a goat door. Therefore if you picked either goat door to begin with the chariot is behind the other one,” said Twilight. Her friends still looked confused. How were they not getting this? “So since there were two goat doors to begin with there’s a two in three chance you picked one of them to start with,” she tried hopefully.

“But’cha said the host opened one of the goat doors,” said Applejack.

“Well, yes, but only after you... look, let’s do a demonstration. Then you’ll see. Then you’ll all see that I’m right,” said Twilight.

“Twilight, dear, you’re developing a bit of a, well, a twitch,” said Rarity gesturing towards her own eye.

“That’s not important! There’s understanding of obscure mathematical problems at stake!” said Twilight as she stomped a hoof for emphasis. “Now, like I said, three doors.” Three full sized doors appeared behind her in a puff of magic. “One has the chariot,” she said as the first door opened to reveal a brand new chariot.

“Wow Twilight, I didn’t know you could conjure up a brand new chariot with your magic like that,” said Pinkie.

A guilty look flashed across Twilight’s face. “Well, I didn’t so much conjure it as, er, borrowed it,” she said. “I’m sure it’s owners won’t even notice that it’s gone.”

“Twilight! You just stole a chariot?” asked Applejack with a frown.

“Only a little! Now on with the demonstration,” she said. “Now behind the other two doors are the goats.”

The other two doors opened to reveal two very confused-looking goats.

“Where am I? How did I get here?” asked the first one.

“I don’t know. I’m confused too,” replied the second. “Wait, Larry? Is that you?”

“Frank?” said Larry.

“Yeah! Wow, what a crazy coincidence running into you wherever this is. How’s the wife? Pregnancy treating her alright?” said Frank.

“Actually I was just in the hospital with her before these doors appeared. She’s kidding!”

“No way, you’re kidding!”

“No, she’s kidding,” said Larry.

“Props don’t talk!” said Twilight slamming all three doors shut. There was another poof of smoke as she scrambled the three doors. “Now Fluttershy, please pick one of the doors.”

“Um... the first one,” said Fluttershy.

“Right, so now I’ll open the door where I know one of the goats are,” said Twilight. The third door opened to reveal Frank, still somewhat dizzied from the door scrambling process. “Now, Fluttershy, decide if you want to keep that door you picked or switch. Remember you don’t want the goat.”

“Racist,” mumbled Frank.

Fluttershy thought for a moment. “Um, excuse me, Larry was it? Which door are you behind?” she asked.

“The middle one,” said Larry’s voice.

“Thank you! Oh, and congratulations on your new kid. That must be just so exciting for you,” said Fluttershy.

“Oh, I get it now,” said Rainbow Dash, “there’s a hundred percent chance of the chariot being behind the door you picked first. Got it.”

“No, there isn’t! And Fluttershy, you can’t ask the goats for the answer, it’s cheating,” said Twilight.

“Oh, I’m sorry,” said Fluttershy dropping her head and withdrawing behind her mane.

“You know what? Maybe if I change the parameters of the example this will make more sense,” said Twilight. “Let’s say that instead of three doors, there are a hundred doors.” Doors appeared all over Twilight’s library, hemming the others in. “Now, there’s still just one chariot, so ninety nine of the doors have goats behind them.” All one hundred doors opened to reveal a mob of very confused goats, who all began chattering and discussing their confusing their predicament.

“Shut up!” Twilight shouted as all one hundred door slammed shut again.

“Twilight, are you sure you’re OK?” asked Pinkie.

“Yes!” shouted Twilight, far too loudly. “I’m right, and that’s what’s important.”

“Where am I?”

“How did I get here?”

“My dream of being an unimportant prop in the display of an obscure math fact has finally been fulfilled!”

“I said shut up!” shouted Twilight over the cacophony of voices. “The important thing is the one percent chance.”

“One percent chance of what?” asked Rainbow Dash.

“Of picking the right door the first time. Of picking the door with the chariot rather than the goat,” Twilight replied.

“So, it’s not one third then?” asked Dash.

“Yes! I mean, no! I mean... in this particular instance, yes,” said Twilight already regretting confusing the issue. “I’m merely elucidating on a previously expressed point!”

There was a knock on the library's front door, and Twilight stormed over to it. “What?” she screamed as she flung it open.

She regretted in her tone a moment after she registered that her visitors were soldiers of the Royal Guard.

“Twilight Sparkle?” asked one of them. Without waiting for her confirmation he continued. “You’re under arrest for one count of Grand Theft Chariot as well as ninety-nine counts of goatnapping. Would you come with us please?”

The guards clamped their restraints onto Twilight before she could respond, and began to drag her away.

“Wait! No!” protested Twilight. “Girls,” she she called out to her friends, “remember one thing!”

“What, Twilight? We’ll remember anything you need us to,” replied Rarity.

“In a given Monty Hall situation, the odds of the desired prize being behind the door you haven’t selected is (N-1)/N, so it’s always worth it to switch! Always switch!” Twilight called out to her friends.

They were unimpressed.

Author's Note

The Monty Hall Problem is a real thing.

The Legend of the Enchanted Spatula

Luna and Celestia walked through the open field, the smoldering caldera receding into the distance behind them.

"Look, I said I was sorry," said Luna, not meeting Celestia's eyes.

"Do. Not. Speak. To me. Not right now," she said through gritted teeth. Streaks of dark ash marred her creamy white coat, and her partially-incinerated mane still sizzled away, down from three colors to two.

"You can't blame me for what happened. I don't even know where the cultists found that much jam living inside a volcano, much less how they kept it from going bad." When her sister didn't reply Luna let the silence descend over them again.

"You could have warned me about the ferrets, at the very least," said Celestia. "And then to top it all off this 'epic artifact of immense power' turns out to be-"

"The book didn't mention that!" protested Luna. "I don't know what the Order was thinking! I don't even know how you'd do that to a spatula!" She shuddered. "Those poor, poor quiches. Their sacrifice shall never be forgotten."

"Oh, yes it will. Because we are never going to speak of this again. Ever. Especially not to Twilight. Do you understand?"

Luna's ears drooped. "I suppose, if you feel it's for the best."

"I certainly do. Now please, I have a splitting headache. Let's just... walk quietly for a bit."

And the tale of the enchanted spatula faded forever into legend.

Author's Note

A request from half the comments on the second epilogue for You Can Fight Fate. Banged out in ten minutes because why not.