Deep in the middle of the African Savanna(by which I mean the Crystal Empire) two royals slept soundly in bed together. They were a beautiful married couple, and they loved each other very much. Recently, they'd had a bit of bedroom trouble, but regardless of their abysmal sex life, they were still in love. Over their time, an anonymous onlooker had kept tabs on their relationship, but for some reason, he approached me with a yellow notepad filled to the brim with words. It was labeled "Granite Flies" and was covered in scribble drawings. I asked him what he wanted me to do with the recordings of our rulers' sex lives.
"Burn it, burn it all."
Being the asshole that I am, I published it to the Daily Trot. The article goes as follows.
Shining Armor awoke from his delicious slumber, the sleep in his eyes hazing his vision, as the last doses of melatonin were flushed from his system. He was comfy though, and despite his inability to sleep, Shining Armor didn't especially feel like getting up. He turned around, admiring his beautiful wife as she slept.
Shining Armor's wife was snoring softly, each breath creating a pleasant crescendo of miniature chainsaws that ripped into Shining Armor's ears. Shining snuggled closer to his wife, bringing them muzzle to muzzle. She was such a kind, devoted mare.
It had been weeks since Shining Armor had been cursed with erectile dysfunction, and while he despised his inability to deliver in the bedroom, he admitted to himself that not having his morning wood get in the way during his morning snuggle was a genuine positive to the otherwise horrible psychological affliction.
As he brought his muzzle moved nearer to his wife's, shining took in the scent of her terrible halitosis. Such a scent would, and often did send every pony that neared the mare either running or into shock(or both) but to Shining, it was a beautiful smell. It smelled of dirty socks and skunk fumes, two of Armor's fetishes. After all, you don't live with Twilight Sparkle without learning to get turned on by skunks. That was common knowledge.
Deciding that it was high time that his wife woke up, Shining Armor decided to sneeze in her mouth. So he connected his nose to her lips and let his snot fly, coating his lovely muse's tongue in a disgusting, green, amorphous fluid.
Shining's wife licked her lips, savoring the salty taste os Shining's slick snot that slid down her slippery gullet. The taste made her throw up in her own mouth, and that turned her on, after all, it's common knowledge that the Crystal Princess has a vomit fetish. Deciding to open her eyes, the Crystal Princess was greeted with the moistening sight of her husband with snot dripping out of his nostrils.
"Good morning Shiny Hiny," she said, nuzzling his cheek.
"Good morning Pr0ncess Cabbage," Shining replied.
"You have a little something on your nose, mind if I take care of it?"
Without waiting for a response, Pr0ncess Cabbage cupped her mouth over Shining Armor's nostrils. She inserted her tongue into each one, flicking out the boogers with her tongue. One especially moist(and crunchy) booger refused to budge, so Cabbage withdrew fee tongue from her spouse's nostril, using her magic to pull out a huge booger the size of a jawbreaker in heat.
The booger was green and crinkly, with nose hairs protruding in all directions. The green, sticky liquid that oozed from the massize nasal nugget strung down in sweet sticky snot strands, each of which had a streak of yellow inside of it. After she was done admiring the big, beautiful booger, Pr0ncess Cabbage levitated it towards her muzzle, taking an enormous whiff with her crusty, disgusting nostrils.
The rancid smell was borderline intoxicating, and Pr0ncess Cabbage found her pussy beginning to get wet. She was about to devour the delicious nose candy, but then she got an idea. A wonderful idea. An awful idea. Pr0ncess Cabbage got a wonderful awful idea.
Using her magic, Pr0ncess Cabbage moved the massive moogie around to her backside, tensing up in anticipation. Without hesitation, Cabbage plunged the disgusting booger into her plump princess pussy, lulling back in the sweet serenade of pleasure brought to her by the big bulbous boogie.
Deeper and deeper the snot ball was thrust into Cabbage's yeast infected cunt, coating her cavernous chatterbox in creamy green goo.
Pr0ncess Cabbage writhed in pleasure, as she fucked herself with her husband's booger.
Once she felt the overpowering pressure in her loins, Pr0ncess Cabbage aimed her vagina at Shining Armor, unleashing her mighty orgasm with the force of a fire hydrant. Stuffing a hoof down her throat, Cabbage forced herself to throw up, sending a gush of stanch stomach secretions directly at the far wall.
The sight of Cabbage cumming and vomiting all over the place caused Armor's massive member to become erect, despite his crippling erectile dysfunction, and he started striking his stuff, kneading his testicles with a hoof. Once Cabbage was done cumming and vomiting, Shining climbed onto her back, and resumed pleasuring himself.
The various varicose veins in Shining's powerful pulsing penis writhed as the blood filled the mega-member, causing it to reach maximum hardness. This caused Armor to grunt with each stroke as he waited for his orgasm to approach.
After days of masturbating(during which Cabbage had starved to death from being unable to get out from under her husband) Shining Armor finally came, releasing months of pent up sexual energy with so much force that it rocketed both him and Cabbage into space where they both died from explosive decompression.
One of the maids walked into the couples bedroom and gazed at the femjizz, semen, and especially the vomit that coated the walls, floor, and ceiling.
She gasped and said,
"I'll have what she's having."
Author's Note
You're welcome Isseus.
