My Little Immortal: Friendship is Gothic

Chapters

Chapter One: Totally Dropped the Ball; Should Have Named Her "Epony"
Chapter Two: Don't Trust Any Of Them New Preps Over There
Chapter Three: Just Kidding, Seth
Chapter Four: I Couldn't Think of a Horse Pun for "Juliet"
Chapter Five: da blak paraed
Chapter Six: Because... Vampire!
Chapter Seven: Aminal I Have Become
Chapter Eight: How, Pray Tell, Does One "Loaf Meanly?"
Chapter Nine
Chapter Ten: There Will Come Goff Rains
Chapter Eleven: Deths Tuch Sin
Chapter Twelve
Chapter Thirteen: In Which The Beaten Dog Bites Back

Chapter One: Totally Dropped the Ball; Should Have Named Her "Epony"

AUTHORS NOTE: ok so i no thta ever1 likez poniez n i tinks dat riting a stroy abbot dem wil b a gud way (geddit way like da name of ma caracter ebony way) 2 meet foggic bronze lik me. mi name iz emserelda (NOT my prep name Carol bcuz that iz a whorible name givn 2 me by ma preppy mum and dda) n im a got i wonder if any of u r gotic 2? if u r jsut tel me.

everbody clop (gefdit clop insted of clop) 4 mah frend TARA 4 helpin me 2 rite dis!!!!!!!!!!! u rox mah sucks gurl!!!!!!!!!

OH AND BTW my friends rote all the songs in this ecept for the ones they didnt

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ESMERELDA THE BLACK PRESENTS

AN ESMERELDA THE BLACK PRODUCTION

WRITTEN BY ESMERELDA THE BLACK AND EDITED BY TARA GILESBIE

"MY LITTLE IMMORTAL: FRIENDSHIP IS GOTHIC"

BASED ON MY LITTLE PONY INVENTED BY LOREN FAUCET

STARRING:

ESMERELDA THE BLACK AS EBONY WAY

AND ALL THE ACTORS FROM THE SHOW AS ALL THE PONIES THEY PLAY

My little Pony, My Little Pony, Ah Ah Ah Ah Ah

I used to wonder what gothicness was

Until you all showed me what it was

"Awesome fighting!"

"Tons of drugs!"

"A sinful black heart"

"Beautiful and strong!"

"Punching posers, it's an easy feat"

"And razors make it all complete!"

My Little Pony,

Did you know you're all the darkest goths, yeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh!!!!!!111111666666666666666

I watched frozen crystals of water drops drip droppily down the crystalized, frozen window of Celestia's School for Gifted Unicrons. it was just another winter day in Canterlot, where I lived with 666 other students, all of who were studyng magic to learn how to be good at magic.

My name is Ebony Way, and Im a sixteen year old unicorn at Celestia's SChool for Gifted Unicrons. I'm in my sixth year, even though most students my age are sevnteen. But my reacher, Princess Nightmare Moon, recognized my potential and put me there, even though Principle Celestia argued against it. That dumb bitch is always trying to put me dowmn, all beacuse I'm gothic. But she doesn't know my pain. I look at all the happy, dumb little preppy ponies in Celestia's School for Gifted Unicrons, and I know that none of them can ever know.

Finally the bell rang and I gort up to leave when somepony bumped into me. "What the fuck you piece of fucking shit?!?!?!?!?!?" I yelled angrily in my Royal Canterlot Voice which I've always had even when I was a new little filly even though only princesses like Princess Nightmare Moon can do that, and it;'s always been a mystery ever since i was little. It's really depressing to know that you've got awesome powers, because you don't know why you have them and everypiny makes fun of me for being so good. It;s one of ther easons I'm so depressed. I don't even have my cutie mark because I'm so good at everything and a cutie mark would restrict my talents. And even if I had one, I'd probably cut if off, because cutie marks are for preps, posers, and ponies who aren't cool and gothic mlike me.

U cut myself alot. It's how I got my cutie mark, a razor blade with blood dripping off of it, like crimson tears of regrent flowing down the pallid face of my life. My aprens uswed to beet me all the time when I was growing up, and my dad would rap me up constantly until i cried for help. But help never came.

Finally, I got pulled ouf of that house when I used my rouyal canterlot voice one day to destory the hoise. My dad was taking out his machinegun with a silemncer on it to shoot at me again because he liked using me for targit practice, and I reared back and screamed "FUS ROH DA" and killed him and my mom too. My mom would help him b throwing knifes at me. Then Princess Nightmare Moon jumped out of a tree and took me back to the castel.

"What the fuck is this little bitch diing here?" yelled Pinciple Celestia when she saw me. "This gothic trash is not welcome at my school!"

"No, Principle!" shouted Nightmare Moon, and she wnet inton the office alone without me and stayed there for a long tinme. Then Principle Celestia came out and said "You will stay here until you are the best at magic," but I dont know what they were really talking about. But I was happy to know that I was away from my mom and my dad and that they were in jail forever for torturing me with fires and tenticles.

Anyway, I was doing some redding in my bedrom, while listening to some Hawthorne Heights on my iPad. They're my favorite hyuman band, and I always got to their shows when they're playing in Equestria. They mostly play in Poinyville, and I go there wenever I can becauz wone of my best friends livs there. She used to be Princess Nightame Moon's studdent but then Principle Celestia sent her away because she was too good at everything but not as good as me because I'm the best. Her real name is Crimson B'lood, but her pearents named her Twilight Sparkle bcause her real name was too gothic. But she likes it when I call her Crimson B'lood, or just B'lood for short. I was rigint her a email on my iPad when sudent;y the fone rang.

I turned off the instant messanger on my iPhone that I was using to talk to B'lood and looke to see who was caling. It was... Sweetie Bell! "Heyy girl!" I said depressingly while drinking some dark chocolate milk from a crystal goblin.

"Hey there" said Sweet Bell. "So did u here? Good Charlotte are playng in Ponyvill tomorrow!"

"Oh. My. Gucking. GOD!!!" I screamed. I LOVE GC. THey are my fav band, except for My Chemical Romance.

"Well," said Sweetie Bell. and she sounded nervous for some reason. I don't know why. "Maybe you'd like to go to the concert with me? I have another ticket r you if youd like to come with me.

"I gasped!

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I got redy for the consert, smeling happily. My best friend, Apple Jack was sitting on the conch watching me. Apple Jack used to liv in Ponyville but them Flem and Flan stole her barn and killed her family. Now she and her family live at the school. Princess Nightmare Moon found out that they were real good at amgic and told them that they could do magic there from now on but all there magic is about apples. Butt that's okay because apples are red like blood (lol wut of appls werent red wooden that be tearible)

"OMG sweetie bell really asked u out???{" asked Apple JAck (athorz notez: ir ote al of applingjacks talking ok NOTN Tara)

"Ya," I said back to Apple JACK. "But it'z not a date ok! Stop relling me I like Sweetie bell because I so totally fucking to not!"

"Ya watever girl" said Japple Ack rollin her limpid pale green eyez. "Ever1 nows she z a crus hon u"

"Shut up fucker1" I snapped and I hit her in the nose. but she is okay with that bcuz she is gotic like me. Apple Jacks parents were gothic vampire ponies who could transform into dragons but she only found out when Flem and Flan stole her barn. Her dad Big Mackintosh and Grandma Smith told her abot her true parens and she used her magic to kil Flem and Flan. Princess Nightmare Moon saw her do it and jiumed out of a tree and told her that she had awesome powerz and that she cold use them to lern magic an d stuff. That's when we became frendz.

"OK well I',m leafing 4 the consert now!" I screamed as appleJack cried because I hit her in ths nose. Blod was poreing everywhere but that's okay because my room is painted red with my own blod. I slash my hoofs all the time to kilm myself because I'm epdesssed but i never die for some raison. So I Just Use My Blood To Paint My Room.

I jumpd out of the window hping I wood die before I hit the grond but when i hit the ground i didnt die i just Came back to Life and was alive. I strated to cry butt then I saw Sweetie Bells car show up. It was painted blood red and was greenw tih read fire all over it. It was a Rolls Royuce with mashine guns insted of lisence plates and it had dise in the mire!

Sweetie Bell jumped out of the car. It was ac onvertable and also it was a transformer. "Heyy girl" said Sweetie Bell, tossing her red and black main behind her head. Sweetie Bell used to live in Ponyville with her shister Rarity but then she found out she was acthally cothig n rarity started to Hit her and beat her o. Then Riraty started to rape her with her diamdond dilodz. Seetie bell was so depressd that she was gooing to commit suicide butt before she could Princess Nightmare Moon jumped out of a tree and savd her. She sed that she was Too magical to killnherslef and that she could go live at Celestia's School for Gifted Unicrons instead. So she did.

I rembember the first time I sold her. It was a clear summers tay like this one, with ths sun shinning and the birds singing. I 8 days like that because the sun hurts my pale gothic cote.

anyweay I said "Hay Sweetie Bell kan we go 2 the consert now?"

"Sure you ignorant piece of redneck white trash" she sanpped at me but it's okayt because were bothic and us goths talk like that 2 each other.

We went to the concert and saw GC. They were singing all of my favorite songs. We moshed to the music for a littl while while smolking pot and drinking bony bear. "Arent they fucking hot?" is houted. "Its topo bad that they arent ponies bcuz Id live to fuck them all at the same time" i shouted.

Suddenly Sweetie Bell looked depressed. I thought she was thinking about mhow much she missed her sister Rarity in Bonyvioll. Sweetie Bell and her sister were best friends but whe n Flem and Flan stole the barn the also stole Raritys clothes shop and Rarityt was so depsrssed she killed herself.Sweetie bell was sad but then Princess Nightmare Moon jumped out of a tree and brought her back to Celestia's SChool for Gifted Unicrons to learn how to do magic like her.

but then I realized way (GEDDIT BCUZ MY CARACTERS NAE IS WAY( she was sad. "ey don't worry" I said putting my hoff around her neck. "I like u way more than all of them"

"Really?" she asked with her sparkling red yes glimmering with gothic hoe. "You really men it?"

"Ya I ssaid." Onies are smexier than humanz anyway *I WSIH THAT I WAS ACTALY A PONY)

"Aww" said Sweetie belle and she smiled at me ,and i thought she was going to say something else but then she didn't.

Anyway we watched the badn and got to meat themb acksateage afterward. They sined my face and gave us tshitrs. We got back into the Mercedez to go back to Canterlot but then sWetiie belle started to go somewhere else. I gasped. She was taking us into....................the EVerfree Forest!!!11!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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We got inside the forest and got out of the car. "Seetie Belle!" I shouted. "Wut the fuck are u doing? Princess NIghtmare Moon told us never to go in here! She can't choose what tree to watch us from because there are so many!"

Sweetie bell looked at me like she had something to say agfain. "Ebony?" she asked.

What "I snapped."

Then she looked at me with nher sparkling blue gothic ees that were so full of depressing sorrow and evilness that suddenly i didn't feel mad anymore. Then she did something that I never would have expected anypony to do because I'm so ugly and plane and mnobody likes me.......................she KISISED me ONT THE LOIPS! I was mad at first but then I started ot loike it so i started Kissing her back

She started to take off my cloves. I was wearing my HAwthorne Hieghts tshirt that I got at the Hawthorne Heights concert (they are my favorite band! AUTHORZ NOTE THIS IST RUE ROE MOE TOE) that had all kinds odf black swear words and blood red lace all over it, my black high heeled horse shooes with the blood red razor bladez on them and my bagy black jeans that were all torn up and stuff. I was wearing my red tong thatwas autographed by Orctavia (she is my favorite singer!)but then sweetie bell toook it all off. I shiverd as she kisst me everywhere. Then................................

We started ti do it1 "oh! Oh! Oh1" I yelled as I had m yorgism for the forst time. We frenched sexily for seven minutes strate. I hate that word though. "Straight." Because all the ponies at my school hate me for not bieng straight, even though they aren'st ragiht aither. I have always liked mares. iT was wone of the reasons that my mom and dad liked to hit me with belts and belt buckels wien I was littl. When I got to Celestia's School for Gifted Unicrons, I realized that everypony else liked mares too, and that there wwere noe straight poinies. But wy could that be? I asked Princess Nightmare Moon one day.

Princess Nightmare Moon did not know. "It's only known by the old sages," she told me darkly. She was wearing her shining black armor that was made out of black stuff that was ccovered in blood and guts. She always goes to fight the bad guys on the borders of Equestria but her sister Principle Celestia takes all the credit for it because she hates goths like Princess Nightmare Moon. Princess Nightmare Moon lived on the moon for a thousand years because she unplugged Principle Celestia's stereo when she was listening to some Hilary Duff (ugh I hATE Hilary Duff! THORS NOTE MII TOO)

"OMG you stupid fucking litlt fucker!!!!1111111166666" said Principle Celestia flupping her long blond hair ehind her and gaizng at her with her stupid fucking pink eyes. "I, like, can't nbelieve you just did that!" So she used the elements of Harminy to send her to the moon. Luna didn't like it there bcuz there werent any trees there butt she had adventures while she was stuck there but she wont' tell me about them.

We were done having sex and swe started to french sexily when suddenly we herd an angry preppy voice yellin at us. "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUCKERS!!!!!!"

I gasped. It was......................................................Celestia!

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We wer being draged back to Cantelrot in Principle Celestia's preppy volkswagon. Only preps drive Volkswagons. She kept yelling at us while screaming "You ludicrous fools!" She drived so fast and so scarily that six hundred and sixty six ponies kept tying on the way. "PRincple Celestia pelase your going to kill all those poor ponies!" i sobbed while Sweetie bell looked at me and held my hoofs in her hoofs. Sweetie Bell looked so fucking beautiful in her gothif red clothes. She was wearing a black rinestone belt that had nives and stuff in it too inc ase she needed to kut herself suddenly. She was also wearing lots of gothic black eyelinger but she had been crying so muc that it was running down her face and twas smeared all over the place. She was isting to some GC on her black iPod that had a picture of Billy Joe Armstrong on it and she was moshing to it while sining. I wanted to sing too, but I was too depressed. I tok out my nife and started to cut my hooff.

Finaly we arived back at Celestia's School for Gifted Unicrons. We got out of the car depressingly while Principle Celestia took us upstairs while souting at us while walking.

We got inside. Professor Lyra and Professor Bon Bon were there staring angrily at us.

"THEY WERE HAVING INTECOURSE IN THE EVERFREE FOREST" shouted Principle Celestia.

"Why would you do sich a thing, you mediocre dunces?" asked Professor Lyra.

"How Dare you!" shouted Professor Bon Bon while putting my iPod in her bag.

The Sweetie Bell shouted "BECAUSE I LOVE HER!'

They were silent for a while. Bhtne professor Bon Bon spoke. "Fine. Very well. You may go back to your ooms."

Sweetie Bell and I returned to our rooms. I was really depressed, so I toom off alll my clothes and changed into my panamas--a glack robe with a picture of Johnny the Homicidal Maniac on it. He is my favorite cartoon character, ebven more than SPonege bob Squirepants. I was about to get into bed when sudde ly I heard some beatufil singing. I turned around. I gasped..................................it was............................Sweetie Bell!

I know your sad and depressed

But you have my heart and you have my lips

My bleeding soul and blackened eyes

Will be with you not in disguise

Oh Ebony my only love

I will treat you like a glove

And give you all my wretched heart

Until the day we're torn apart

But 'til that day comes rest assured

(LOL I CANT THINK OF ANYTHIN ELSE TO TO WRITE SO JUST PRETEND SHE KEPT SINING OK)

I started to cry tears of bloody gothic joy. I wrapped my hooves around her and started to kiss her and she kissed me back. "I love you Sweetie Bell." I said into her blood red mane.

"I love you too Ebony." Said Sweetie bell. Then we turned and we went back into our roms.

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So wat do u giz tink? u can jsut tel me in my reviewz butt be nice or I WILL GUT MAD N USE MAH MAGIC ON YOU

Ebony: Ya be nic.

Tank u ebony. <33333333333

******

Chapter Two: Don't Trust Any Of Them New Preps Over There

Ok it looks like most of u guys r goffs lik me so dats da good news but de bad news is dat i lost a lot of blod da last tim i tryed 2 comment sucid so da spellin mite nut be as good as last tim

fangs to my bffff (lol geddit bcuz of al da fs it means dat we will be fest frends forever forever 4ever 4everFOREVER) 4 hlepin me 2 rite dis. Tara u r da best gurl a girl could ax 4!11111111 KEEP BEIN SMEXY N GOFFIC66666666666

lol thos r wut mi kuts lock lik i tohot u mite want 2 c okay now 4 da story!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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I woke up the next morning and started to cry and cry because I realized that I wasn't dead. When I sleep I have dreams that I am dead and they're always gr8 because when I'm dead i can be in Pony Hell. All the best coolest and most gothic ponies are in Pony Hell.

I was walking around in Pony Hell when I met a prep. I gasped. "Preps???" I gasped. "In MY Pony Hell?"

"Like, hi there!" said the prep. She opened her shiny happy bleu eyues and flipped her long blond hair. "Would you like to listen to some Miley Cyrus on my iPod?" her cutie mark was a pikture of a Hilary Duff.

"Fuck off!" I shoute dand I kicked her as hard as I could until she was dead. I knew that she would go to Poyn Heaven to b with Porncess Cadence. Prjincess Cadence was Principle Celestia's preppy sister and she was every bit as mean and bad as Princiepl Celestia. WHen I was little and my parens were hitting me with their fire sowrds Princess Candice would show up and set me on fier because they thought it was funny. Then they would put me in the seller until it was night time and took me out and then they fed me dirt and poop. I'm so happy that {Princess Nightmare Moon killed them al and took me to Celestia's SChool for Gifted Unicrons.

Anyway, I brushed my fangs (I'm not a vampire but I wish I was because vampires are major fucking hotties) and went downstairs to the cafeteria. I sat depresisngly at my tabel that was mine and it had my name on it. Al the preps kept crossing out ny name and writing "Please do not deface lunchroom property." I put up my middle fingerassadnjsafhdsjghughruhjohajdsPONYCANNOTFINGER put up my hoof ad them and told them fo tuck off. Fucking preps are always trying to ruin brakefest for me. One tim I was eating my hay that was died red like blood with my blood red apples

I sat down at my table and started to pour myself a glass of cranberry juice and some steak. All the other students eat vegetables because they're preps. Goths like me eat only meat and rink red juices like cranbriar juice. I dont even cook my stake because it's the only way to keep the blood in it, and sinse Im a vampire pony I need alll the blood I can get. Princess Nightmare Moon understands and let's me go into Canterlot sometimes to likk ponies until I geg all the blood I need, but that bitch Principle Celestia keeps calling the Pony Police on me.

Anyway, I finished cooking my stake and sat down to eat it, when somepony bumped into me, spilling tomato jews al over my gothic red and black stripped dress that my best friend Rampage gave me. Rampage's real name used to be Twist but then she got hit by a magic spell that B'lood was tresting out and now she cant die anymore, which sux because she's really depressed and just wants to kill herself. Sometimes we sit down together and we slits each others hoofs but we never die. but we also make out a lot because I'm bi and so is she.

"WTF!!!" I shouted arngrily at the pony who bumped into me but then I stopped because then I saw who it was. It was the sexiset pegasus I had ever seen. Her coat was orange and her mane was purple with blue and black streaks in it. She wore a ton of blood red eyeliner that ran down like tears of gothic depression on her face. Her eyes were the coler of blood. I gasped. She was so sexy that I had a million orgasms at once!

"Sorry," she said sadiyl. At first sI thought she was crying because her face was wet and blue but then I realised it was just her blue eyeliner and eyeshadow running. She must have been crying earlier. I tjhink that's why she was sad. "I was just looking arund because I'm new hear."

"Oh its okay" i said gothically. "I'm Ebony Way. What's you're name?" I asked gothically.

"My name is Scootaloo, but I prefer if ponies call me Bleedaloo." said Scleedaloo.

"Why is that???" I questioned.

"Because I love blood so much that sometimes I cut myself to look at it" Bleedaloo giggled showin me her cuts on her rists. I gasped. They were in the sahpe of Deaths Touch Sign!!!!6666666666

"OMG well you'd better not cut urself around me too much" i whimpered. "Because I am a vampire and I drink blood to survive."

"Really?" she roared. I looked at her cutie mark. It was a bloody soul that cried out for death whike sobbibg black tears. "Well maybe later you and me could get together and I can show you around" said Bleedaloo. "I know this cool spot that none of the preps know about."

"Yeah well only if my marefriend Sweetie Bell breaks up with me you fucking perv!!!!11" I shouted and I bit her ear and tore it off and drank all the blood that cameIWILLNEVERLETYOUFORGETABOUTMEout of her ear. I started to drink and drink and Scootaloo cried but that's okay because goths are okay with other goths drinking there blood.

Anyway I walked out of the cafeteria looking for Sweetie Bell.

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I found Sweetie Bell in a class being taught by Professor Cheerilee. Professor Cheerilee is one of the preppiest bitcas (bUFFYROX) at Principle Celestia's School for Gifted Unicrons. Wenever I walk by her office she screams at me for being too tohic. One time I was walking by listening to some My Chemical Romance (my favorite band ever) when I passed by her office and she came out and started hitting me. "WTF are you listening too???" she demeanded.

"Just some MCR, you got a problem with that you fucking preppy bitca(BUFFYRIX)???" I gothed at her.

Principle Cheerily gasped and went back into her office. I heard her pick up the phone and start talking on it to her sister Berry Punch who lives in Ponyville. I new that Berry Punch wouldn't care because she is gothic like me.B erry Punch owns the bar clothing store where she sells us gothic clothes like what I was wearing (My favorite ripped-up black dress that shows off my smexy flanks and my cutie marks, rhinestone belt that was in the shape of a sinister pentagram, and my Joel madden hat that said "I'm a goth) on it" and also she sells us alcohol. Principle Celestia tells us not to drink beer because we're too young but whenever we see her we put up our middle HOOVES at her.

Anyway I walked into Sweetie bells class and said "Heyy sexy bitch, wanna go back to my room and do it???"

Professor Lyra was teaching them how to play Party in the USA on the trumpet. "You ridiculousd imwit!" she screamed at me. "Get out of my classroom! We r trying to lean!"

"Fuck off, you old fucking bitch!" I shouted, pulling out my red and black Nightmare Before Hearths Warming Eve machinegun and shooting her turmpit into a million peaches. Everypony clopped at me. Sweetie Bell looked sexily at me, and we frenched. Then we went back to my room.

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I took off Weenie Bells red fishnets and black thong sexily, then we started to do it again!!!!!!!! It was even better than last time we did it because now I new what to do!!!!!!!!! This time Sweetie Bell started to scream and screammbecause she was getting her organism but then she said "Oh Bleedaloo, I love you1"

I stopped doing it with her. "WTF!!!" I yelled, and I stormed angrily out of the room. Sweetie Bell followed me crying black tears. "No! Ebony! U don't understand!"

"Whatever!" i yelled. "You're just a fucking cheating fillyfoller bitch!" I think lesbos are gross lol. I stomped and did so until I found Bleedaloo. She was smoking some pot in Princess Nightmare Moon's office. I didn't know where Princess Nightmare Moonw as but she was probably being beat up by Principle Celestia for not being a vegetenarian again.

"Bleedaloo!" i screamed ponting my hoof at her. "I cant believe you cheated on me with Sweetie Bell!" Everypiny on the classrom gasped. I gasped too because I couldn't believe she would cheat on me like that!

I don't know what Ebony was so upset about. Years afgo when I was little I helped Bleedaloo escape from jail, where Principle Celestia sent her because she woldnt do it with her. We fell in love after that but then Bleedaloo broke my heart because she started to date Ruby Pinch. Ruby Pinch was a prep and made her a prep too. I was so depressed that I tried to kill ymself. Why didn't Ebony understand that???

"but I didn't cheat on you@" said Scootaloo angrily. "Your just paranoid!"

"Wel if you wanted honesty that'sa ll you had to say!" I screamed and I started to stomp away.

Snipes and Snails walked up to me and said "Are you okay Ebony?"

"I'M NOT OKAY!!!!!" i screamed *geddit lik da song imo noto okayo)

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I ran into the Everfree Forest and found the spot where I did it withS weetie Bell for the first time. It still smelled like do it. I cried and cried and cried her name as loud as I cold. I couldn't believe that sh would cheat on me like that! I didn't know what to do and I was seriously thinking about killing myself for the first time in my life/

Then suddenly......................................I saw the most terrifying sight I'd ever seen in my life!!!!! A big dragon that wasn't just a dragon appeared out of nowhere. He had a griffins arm and a dragons leg and was long like a sea serpent and had the face of a goat but I knew he wasn't actually a goat (just think about how Discord). I gasped....................................It was DISCORD!!!!!

I screamed and screamed. He took out his knife and started to wave it at me. Then I screamed "FUS RO DAH" just like I did when I killed my parents and hit him with my royal canterlot voice. He started to die and I felt sorry for him even though I knew he was evil so I stopped.

"Ebony," he said gravely. His voice sounded like a c-r-o-s-s between Joel Madden, Gerard Way, Sweeny Todd, and Robert Patterson (I fucking love him!!!!!).. "Thou must kill Twilight Sparkle!!!!!"

I gasped. "No1" I gasped. "Twilight Sparjle is my best friend!" Twilight Sparkle's real name was B'lood and her cutie mark is an unnecessary apostrophe.

"Thou must!" said Discord in his evil old english voice. "If thou does not then I shall kill thy belovd Sweetie Bell!"

"OMG!" I gasped. "But I am so mad at Sweetie Bell for cheating on me that I dont care if you kill her!!!!!!!!"

Discord looked at me like I was stupid (even though I'm fucking not). "Dude, ur so retarded," he said like a prep. "Sweetie Bell really loves you okay? So even if she cheated on you once, it's okay to get back together with her becaus she really loves you ok?"

Discord was right. Sweetie bell really did love me, and all I did was be a hue bitca at her. "Im sorry Discord" I said sorrily. "Your right! Sweetie Bell is my marefriend and I love her!"

"That's the spirit!" said Discord, and he handed me his pink Barbie shotgun with blonde hair. "Now go out there and kill Twilight Sparkle!"

"No! No! Please I don't want to!!!!!!" I cried but he wooden listen to me.

"No! Thou must kill Twilight Sparkle, and that is final!!!!!!" Then he got inside his volkswagon and drove away.

Suddenly Princess Nightmare Moon jumped out of a tree. "Ebony, r u alright?" she asked me gothically.

"Yeah lol" I said. "But Discord wants me to kill my friend B'lood and I don't want to. But if I don't he said hell kill Sweetie Bell! I dont want her to go to heaven but B'lood is my best friend in Equestria the world!!!!!" I started to cry.

"There there" said Princess Nightmare Moon. "We'll get you back to the castle and I'll make you some hot chocolate with blood in it instead of milk."

I sniffed and wiped my nose with my unresponsive to all treatment if there's no change soon we may have to take drastic hoof and said "Okay." And together we started to drive back to the castle.

"You know Ebony, your very pretty" said Princess Nightmare Moon. I blushed even though you can't see it because I don't have any blood because I'm a vampire. Then..............................................Princess Nightmare Moon started frenching me!

I gasped.

Chapter Three: Just Kidding, Seth

athors not: OK U NO WUT???????? I WNAT ALL OF MAH REEDERZ 2 FLAM EXTRIA DILLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DOZE FOKKIN PREPZ, POZERZ N FAKE GOFFS TOLD ME DAT MAH STORY WAZ 2 GOFFIK 4 DEM 2 PUT ON IT!!!!!!!!!!!!! WELL U NO WUT I GOT SO DEPRESSET DAT I RAN OUT AND TRYED 2 COMMENT SUICASE N IF I DID IT DEN U WOOD B SRRY!!!!!!!!!!!! U CAN AL GO 2 HEAVYN U STUPID PREPZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Neway lol fangz 2 all da reel goffs who keep readin. Wen I tryed commenting suecide i tohot of al of u n fond da raisin 2 keep holdin on. Ur wut keepz mah goffik haert beetin. Fangs 4 reedin n al da god revoiws!!!!!66666666666

N DONT 4GET 2 FLAM ESSESTRIA DOILY!1111111111111111111111111111111

******

Te morning after I got back from the Everfree Forest with Nigthmare Moon, I woke up in my coffin the morning after I got back from the Everfree Forest with Nightmare Moon. It was snowing outside, which made me happy. But I got too happy, and that made me afraid of being a prep, so I immediately started stabbing myself with my twisted black MCR knife with a picture of the band on it and it was signed by all of them in dripping bloody red ink. The pain hurt so bad that I started to cry and crym, and then id dint' feel happy anymore.

Anyway I rolled over to get up and saw that somepony was in bed with me. I gasped..............................Princess Nightmare Moon!!!!!!! I thought about the night before when we started frenching in her sinister red Marylin Manson Honda that had a picture of Che Guava with black lipstick and eyeliner on it and realized that we must have come back to my room and did it!!!!!!!!! OMG what would Bleedaloo think if she found out that I did it with Princess Nightmare Moon AND Sweetie Bell? She would think that Im a slut even though I so totally fucking am not!!!!!!!!!

Anyway I got out of bed and started to get dressed. My favorite black and pink dress with red string coming off of it was too clean, si I poured blood from my crystal globling all over it and then tore it up so it woud look smexy and make Sweetie Bell want tk do it with me. Then I put on my obsidian black horeshoes butt they wooden stay on so I took some hammers and some nailz and started to hammer them in2 my hoofs. It hut like fucking hell so bad and all i could think was "you fucking deserve it you fucking preppy fuck i hate you." Im so deprezzd lol.

The noise from the hammer hitting the nails into my hoofs was so loud that it woke up princess Nightmare Moon. "Ebony?" she askefd, getting up from the bed. She was so sexy and black and sexy that seeing her made me want to have an origamism with her.

"Hi Princess Nightmare Moon" I said, finishing my brutal self-harming. The force of the hammer against the fragile obsidian had shattered it, rendering the entire act of putting on my horeshoes quite pointless. All I got out of it were several nails embedded in my hoofs butt dats okay bcuz da pain hellpz (geddit lik hell bcuz im goffik n a stanistr) me 2 4get mah pain. "Fangs 4 helping me 2 get out of da Evergreen Forest an savin me from Discord" I said, flipping my long purple mane around like a helicopter."

"He will still try to make you kill your beloved Bleedaloo" said Nightmar Moon. "You shold tell Sweetie Bell about this. Discord said he wood try 2 kill her if u didnt kill Bleedaloo"

I knew I shouldn't tell Sweetie Bell becaus if she found out she wood not want 2 do it wit me anymor and might even try to contemplate siicide. "Dont worry Princess Nightmare Moon" i said. "I alyaws do da rite ting!!!"

******

I deceded 2 skip goin to Profesor Cheerily's class becauz I knew she'd just teach me something useless lik how to paint my hoofs pink or CPR. Insted I went to band pracitce with my heavy metal band, xxxbloodyristsxxx. The members in the band were myself sinigng (because I have a fucking awesome singing voice), Sweetie Bell playing guitar, bleedaloo playing the other kind of guitar that makes a diffrent noise (lik u no how da one gjitar sondz lik wang wang wang n da odder 1 soundz lik deen deen deen deen), Applejack doing the drumz (her cutie mark was three red drums that were made out of the skin of prepz pozerz and FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF) and Spike playing the sexaphone. Eccept dat dat Spike was off visiting B'lood in Ponyville and Bleedaloo and Sweaty Belll were off havin a groop cutting session wit Flem and Flan. None of them wood dye because they are goffs, n the only way 2 kill goffs is to make them eat well-cooked steak. Spike is B'Lood's son and he is a dragon but all poniez are racist against dragons even tho they r all cool an goffik. They alyaws hit him n rip his scales off 2 make dresses witht them so Principle Celestia said dat he could come live in the school becaus he was sogood at tplaying sexphone.

Nyeay it was just me and Applejack because of the group cutting session n spike was in pointyvill so it was just me and Applejack. We were doing are cover of Amrican Idiot and I was signing grate but Applejacks durms were not gothick enough so I yelled "FUK OF APPLEJERK UR MESSIN UP DA SONG!!111111"

Applejack locked at me with gothick concern in her green eyes that were green like Solid Snake's eyes. "Ebony is something wrong? You can tell me anything. I'm your best friend, ermbember?" Her nose was covered in bandages and gauze because of the way I hit her the other day.

"STFU" I screamed and I kicked her in her cutie mnark as hard as I could. It cocked the wind out of her but that's okay because she is gothic too. She stopped wearing her preppy hat and now she just wears a blood red hoodie like the kind i wear when it's raining *ok if u want 2 c da pic i wil send it 2 u(. She was layin there and not saying anything because she could not intake enough oxygen because of how ahrd I kicked her. That was so sweet of her to listen to me when I was having problemz. So I started 2 tell her. "Well I ran into that fucker Discord yesterday and he told me I need to kill Bleedaloo. But I don't want to kill Bleedaloo even though she did it with Sweetie Bell but Discord said that if I didint kill Bleedaloo then he would fucking kill Sweetie Bell! But I dont want to kill Bleedaloo but i donte want Sweetie Bell 2 die either!!!!!!!" I busted into tearz and flopped over Applejack, crushing her ribcage with my belly.

Sudetenland....................Somepony jumped out of a tree!!!!!! I thought it was Priness Nightmare Moonb eacuse of all her treehouses in school but it wasnt it was........................Sweetie bell! "How cold u Evony!!!!!!!" she yelled. Tears of sorrow were spilling down her pallid, gothic face. "I thought I could trust u, but you woodent tell me that Discord wanted to kill me! How could u????"

"No! No! Plz let me plain!" I bagged butt Sweetie bell shook her hed and in doing so ahook her blue and black and green mane that was the color of depression. "Ur just a prep, a pozer, and u dont really love me!!!!!!!!!!" She started to crye and cry. I cried too, all sensitive. Then Sweetie Bell ran away crying. APplejack was crying too because of all the grievous damage I had done to her ribcage and breathing.

Well we kept playin our song n learnin how 2 be good at playing music for two more horus. Then......................Principle Celestia stomped in angrily!!!!!! "Ebony what have you done!!!!!!" She started to cry pink sparkling tears of preppiness. "Ebony Sweetie Bell has been found dead. She commited suicide by drinking a whole bucket of pink fingernail polish."

I gasped. Pink fingernail polish is extremly toxic 2 goffs! "Did u try hitting her until she woke up????????"" I screamed.

Principle Celestia nooded sandly. "Im srry, Ebony. Please accept this token of my apologies.," She tried to give me six million $s butt I wooden half it. "Fuck u!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" I screamed, kicking APplejack in the eye. "My marefreind just killed herself and u think dat money is gong 2 make it al bitter??!?!?!?!?!?! Im going 2 commit sewarcide!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

******

I ran as fast as I could back 2 my room. Principle Celestia and Applejack were following but APplejack was following in a wheelchair because my attacks had left her brutalized and crippled. They were shouting at me well applejack wasnt she was kind of moaning in pain lol she wasnt acsehally floowing me she waz deed an den Flem and Flan did it wit her crops (an APPLEJACK UR A FUKKIN PREP AN A FUCKKIN RPEPY FUKKER UR NEVER GONG 2 GET APPLEBLOOM BAK UR NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER FUK U FUK U FUK U FUK U FUKFU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

Anyway I jumped into my room and deadbolted the door with my sexy gothic magic. Then I locke dthe door with my magic red door locking key. It had a picture of Saren on it. Saren used to be a Vanderbilt but then he took an arrow to the wing and he coldnt' do ot anymore. He waas so depressed that he tried to ki;ll himself but I saved him from doing it (ew you pervs not like that) and now he's famous for being an awesome sexy rock star. We do it sometimes even though I'm not straight and I only like mares.

Anyway I locke the door. I could hear Pricniple Celestia trying to unlock the door with her preppy unicron magic butt I had encanted it so dat only goffik magic cold open da door. It woould take a reall goff like me or Sweetie Bell to open the door. As soon as I thought about Sweetie Bell I remembed dat I wanted to kill mysefl n ran 2 da bathtub, strippin off my cloves. Usually I look at my body 4 a while b4 I try 2 kill myself becuz im so smexy, butt today I was 2 depressed. I jumped into the tub and took out my red and black Nightmare B4 Hearts Warming Eve machinegun and shot it into my brain a zillion times. Then I remembered that it wouldnt wark becauz Im a vampire and the only way 2 kill a vampire is to cut him into a lot of pieces and then use the royal canterlot voice on them. I didnt know anypony who could use the royal canterlot voice though except 4 me an Princess Nightmare Moon and Principle Celestia and Princess Candyke but shes dead now becauz I killed her with my royal canterlot voice.

Anyway when I ran out of bullets I got out of the bathtub and sighed. I wrapped myself in my Joe Strummer towel and sighed. I couldn't fucking believe that Sweetie Bell was dead. Then.........................I looked out the window and SCREAMED!!!!!!! Professor Lyra wassitting in her hot air baloon and she was taking pictures of me while I was naked!!!! And Pinkie Pie was doing it wit her and Lyra was doing it to Pinkie Pie and they were doing it while they were watching me and then they tried to make me do it with them!!!!!!!!!!!

"EW YO FUCKING PERVERTED PREPPY BITCHES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I H8 LESBAINZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Suddenly the door opened. It was..................Bleedaloo!!!!!!! She saw what Pinkie Pie and Lyra were trying 2 do and she talk out her razor blade nunchick throwing star machinegun that was autographed by Satan!!!!!! "Take this u fucking preps!!!!!!!" Then she shot at them a zillion times. I took my machinegun and Discord's preppy pink Barbie shotgun with blonde hair (I knew I'd have to wash my horn afterward to get the prep off of it) and started shooting them too. I fired a million zillion shots at them!

Suddenly, Principle Celestia ran in!!!!! "Ebony, it appears that somepony has NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" And then she waved her horn and suddenly.......................

SPike ran outside on his hot air balloon. "Everypony, get in here! We need to talk about sris issues1!!!'

"What do you know Spike? You're not even a lstudent here! aLL YOU CAN DO is play sexaphone!!!!!!!"

"I MAY BE A SEXAPHONE PLAYER" Spike paused angirly. "BUT I AM ALSO A DRAGON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"this cannot be!!!" pinkie Pie giggled as she wiped off all the blood from where me and bleedaloo had shot her. "There must be other factors!"

"YOU DON'T HAVE ANY!!!!!!!" I yelled in madly while shooting my machine gun at APplejack's gravestoneFUCKYOUAPPLEJACK

Lyra got up. She was holding the pink Ashlee Sipson camera that she had used to take the video of me naked. "Good enws everypony!!!!!" she yelled. "I've still got the videotape of Ebony naked!!!!!!!"

Everypony in school cheered. They always wanted 2 sdee me naked because I'm just so fucking sexy and hot. Well I woodent let them! But I was too faint right now, like how you get when you don't drink enough blood. Maybe instead of poring my blood on my dress this morning I should have drinked it.

"WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS???" shouted Pinkie Pie.

"BECAUSE... BEACUSE>..." said Spike as he flew up in the air with his wings that had pentagrams on them. THen he flew in circles singing to the tune of a goffik version of a song by Sapphire Whores.

"Because ur goffik???" said Lyra becaus she was afraind dat it ment he was connected with Discord even though everypony nose that Discord is the biggest fucking prep on the planet.

"Because I LOVE HER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Screamed Spike and swooped he in, kissing me on the lips and FRENCHING me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I gasped!

Chapter Four: I Couldn't Think of a Horse Pun for "Juliet"

THORZNOT: ok u giz it locks lik dis stroy iz gettin 2 b da most poplar fafnir abott ponez in da world. i no dat bcuz wen i blakd oot frum blod losss wen i wuz slizting muh riztz dis aftanoon i had a vizzin of ever1 in cantalot cheerin 4 me. den Gerard way and morgdan Freechman told me dat I wa zda gr8est ritter in al da brony world. Butt I AM NOT A BRONY BCUZ BRONZE ARE BOIZ N IM A GURL U SICKO PERVS!!11111111111111

******

I screamed as I bashed my smexy unicorn head against the wall gothically. All of the pain and suffering that I had suffered painfully over my life was hitting me all at once. How could it happen to me? I made my mistakes, had nowhere to run, and now the night went on while I was fading away.

I just wanted to scream "I'M SICK OF THIS LIFE!!!!" I reached und4 my bed and brought out the dark blue double barreled automatic machine shotgun shaped like Gerard Ways u-no-wut dat Sweetie bell had givn me b4 she commented suizas. She had told me 2 uzi it valiantly against prepz and that it would be a dark for me in light places when all otter darks went out, but I knew that I had to fokllow her. In the tiem we had known each other we loved like nobody else in history had ever loved ever. Even Brohoofmeo and Julifetlock did not love like we did bcuz they werent real loil.

I was over. This was done.

"OMFG NOOOOOOOOO" screamed bleedaloo suddenly as she jumped suicidally out of a tree. "Ebony u cannot kil urself! Who will do it wif me wen ur gone!"

"Watever!!1" I scremmed. "Now u can go 2 ur slutty preppy fillyfoller bitch fucking slut whorew you fucking cheating slit!"

Juts then a letter appeared out of nowhere. It was on goffik black fire! "It must be spike sending me anoter love letter" I grumped and I through it in2 the pile with al my other love letters from everypiony at skull.

"Ebony u should really read that" said Bleedaloo while smoking a crack sigarette. "Remember wen u ignored that jury sommons?"

"Only prepz go 2 jury dootie!!1111" I gothed at her. But then I opened it anyway becauz I figured I could give myself paper cuts with it. I took out the letter. It said...............................that Sweetie bell was alive and Discord had her in bondage!!!!

I gasped.

******

I was so mad and sad. I sat in the hopsital angrily. They wodden even let me half my iPony so that I could lisen to Hollywood Undead (they r my favorite band). I just knew that dat prep nurse Redhart was listening to her shitty fucking prep music on it. Nurse Readhart was the mean doctor at our school. She went tos chool to be a doctor but she didn't have enough money to graduate from nurse to doctor so now she works at Celestia's School for Gifted Unicrons and takes out her frustrations on us by pouring antiseptic into our eyes whenever we come in for problems. One time I had a stomachache and she sovled it by punching me in da stomach until my stomach ache went away along with most of my stomach and segments of my small intestine.

Anyway I was just thinking about tying my blankets into a nooze and using it to hang myself when all of a usdden................Spike came into the room! He was carrying pink rozes.

"WTF" I shooted at him. "Uve got sum NERV cumming 2 me afer wut u pulled!"

"You mean da way I saved ur life!!!!!" Spike shotted at me. "U wouldn be aliv if I hadnot cum 4 u!"

I laughed like the bad guy in My Little Pony who laughs evilly alot (lol i dont no hiz nam). "No u fukkin retard" I sniped. "U saved me from bein rapped by fukkin lezboz. Dat iz nut da same as bein killd." but its almost as bad "Said Spike." Every1 in Celestia's School for Gifted Unicrons hates lezbians accept for the lesbian because they are lesbian.

"Watever!" I sayed. "U can take ur preppy flowerz bak to da flower store! Reel goffs dont like flowerz so dat mens u must be a prep!!!!"

"No, Ebony," said Spike dragonly. "These r not flowerz!!!" He set them on da grond and started to breeth fire on them.

"WRTF" I SCRAPPED. "R U TRYING 2 GURN ME A LIED11!"

"No i m just getting the fire started" said Spike. Then................he took out a black poshion that said "pour on fire 2 start the vision" on it and poured it on the fire. "Now look in2 da fire. Wut do u c?"

I saw Spike but he didnt look like spike becauze he was different collers. His skin was black and instead of spikes on his back and his tail he just had jagged bloody pentagrams.

"OMFT" I siad. Now I new he waz really gottic.

"U C?" said Spike sexily. "U can trust me."

"Ya lol sorrt" I said. "Im just a little sad becuz my fillyfrend just corrugated salsacide."

"Dats o k" said Spike as he craled in2 bed wif me. Then........................................he started kissing all over my face and then.........................we had DO IT in the ospital!

"Stop that right now u horny simpletons!!!!!!" screamed Professor Lyra pointing at us with her preppy hoofs that were covered in fake hands with pink hail polish.

"FUK U U FUKKIN SUK" I projectiled at her. She gasped and turned and ran away chattering to herself about how much she hated goths. Then wen I was starting to have my orangutang......................I looked in2 the fire and it was changing now and I saw something else!!!!!!!!!!! It was...........................Sweetie Bell! She was alive and........................Discord had her in bondage!!!!!!!!!!

I gasped.

******

Bleedaloo and me ran to Principle Celestia's office. We had left Spike behind ecause Bleedaloo told me dat dragons were fukkin gross and have germs and he started to cry lol it was funn. Neway we ran to Principle Celestia';s office. She was in there with Princess Nightmare Moon and they were arguing.

"But Principle Celestia!!1" said Pricess Nightmare Mon. "Food is an important part of the students diet! If you take it away from them then all they wikl have to eat is paper and stones!!!"

"Fuk off!!!!" shotued Princple Celestia. Then she used her prep magic to turn Princess Nightmare Moon's hair into Justin Bieber music. She started to cry tears of blue and ran sandly out of the office.

Bleedaloo and I ran in2 the office. Principle Celestia was eating all the food in the school and it was making her really really fucking fat and gross. Fat people piss me off lool. "Celesto u half 2 do something!!!" we said together.

"OK" said Celestia and she threw some pies at us. "There I did something lol now gtfo of my office be4 I make you read M<y Little Unicorn: Magic is Believing."

"But Princople!" I shouted. "Sweetie Bell has been captured by Discord and he is gong 2 do it witb her! An only IM allow2d 2 do it with her!!!" I knew dat Bleedaloo was in love wit Sweetie bell 2 but secretly I was palnning to kill her and hide her body underneath some old copies of Playcolt in Spike's room so that nobody could ever come between me an Sweetie bell ever again.

But Princple Celestia would not have any of it. "SGTFOU" she shriekded ponting her horn at us. "DOnt make me youse this!!!!!"

We ran away. "Now wut will we do!!!" sad Bleedaloo sandly. She started to cry magenta tears of gothic depression because her eyes were purple and purple eyes always cry purple tears dont u fucking know anything about science.

"I know!" I shooted. "Maybe if we tried killing ourselves!"

"But Ebony" said Bleedaloo looking at me with a dud-ur-so-retarded face. "How would killing ourselves help us find Sweet Balls?"

"Lol I just like killing myself" I said because Im a goff and goffs are always trying to kill tehmselves. "Wait a minute!" Suddenly, an idea I had!!! "Off course! We can use my unicorn magic to teleport into Discord's hideout and save Sweetie Bell!" My horn started to glow a bright black, and then.......................we were inside Discord's hideout! It looked ust like the white House accept instead of white it was pink and it was covered in flowers.

I shuddered. All over the walls were postrers of preps like Britain Spears, Hannah Montana and Gorge Lucas. "Wed better get Sweetie Bell and get out of here fast" said Bleedaloo. "I can already feel my blod turing pink!"

I took out my razor blade that I carry everywhere with me and slitzt muh riztz. Shore enough, mty blood wasnt its usual blak and red color with My Chemical Romance lyrics..........it was turning pink!!! "OMFG" I said. "Be4 to long, they will half turned Sweetie Bell in2 a prep 2! We gotta hurrah!"

We ran sexily through the house. Preps would come out of the rooms now and again to yell at us. "Hey you stupid goths!" said one of the preps. She was a pink stallion with a yellow mane and a flower in her ear and her name was Lily. She was lesbians with two other preps named Daisy and Rosechu. "Get out of here right this sconed!"

"Fuk of!!!!!!" I humped on her and stated drinking her blood. She screamed and screamed. I laughed because I'm a sadist. "Tell me where 2 find Sweetie bell and I'll let you live!!!"

"OK OK" said Lily. "Sweetie Bell is in the Discord Disco. Itz down da hall and 2 tha left and up a flight of stairs and then down another flight of stairs and then around the right and then you're there."

"Wait a minute" said bleedaloo. "Doesn't that just take you right back here"

"OMFG" u said as you let go of Lily. "WE'RE IN THE DISCORD DISCO RITE NOW!!!!!!!" Suddenly I noticed that the lights were all flashing pink and purple and a disco ball shaped like Selene Gomez was hanging from the roof. "We need to find Sweetie Bell!!!!!"

"Wait!" said Lily. "U said u would let me life if I helped you!!!"

"Ya but we were already here anyway so ur help was useless lol" I said and I used my royal canterlot voice to destory her "FUS RO DA" I screamed and she asploded but that's okay because im a goff and goffs are allowed to commit wanton acts of murder with impunity.

We ran into da disco. It was empty except for Blueblood. "Rid my sight you despicable goffs!" he shouted and he started throwing roses at us. They were pink and smelled like purfume. Then suddenly he locked into my eyes and he stopped. "EbonyIloveyouwillyoudoitwithme?" he said really fat.

"Huh" said me and Bleedaloo with dude-ur-so-illegible looks on our faces.

"Ebony I love you will you do it with me" he said slower this time.

I laughed statistically. "U stipend prep! U really tink I wood do ot with u after you and ur boss kidnapped my fillyfrend? Fuk u! I dont even like stallions anyway! IM BISESUAL AND I ONLY LIKE MARES!!!!!!" I threw my razor blade at him and it chopped off his horn. Blood started flying all over it like in that movie Kill Bill. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" he screamed runnig around in a circle. Then he stopped and fell down and then he died.

"Now tell me where Sweetei Bell is!!!!" I shouted grabbing Blueballs by his preppy blond hair. But he didn't say anything. "TELL ME WHERE SHE IS NOW OR ILL KILL U FUKER!"

"Ebony" said Bleedaloo. "U already killed hem, remember?"

"Ph ya lol" I said and I dropped him on the floor. "OK we need to find Sweetie Bell now How can we do that? I know!" And I took out my compass. "My compass always points to Sweetie bell!"

We followewd my compass sexily backstage and there was Sweetie Bell in a cage. She was wearing pink leather straps all over her body and bright pink Disney Channel handcuffs. "Egogy! Bleedaloo!"

"Dont worry Sweetie Bell" I said as I untied her ropes and took her out of the pink Daily Show stockade. Then we fancied. "Letz get u home now1"

Suddenly we heared preppy footsteps coming closer. "Blueblood, what art thou doing?" said a voice that sounded like Discord. I gasped. It was Discord!!!

"Let's get out of here!" said Sweetie bell. We took out our collapsable black and red My Chemical Romance zeppelin that I borrwed from B'Lood and climbed in. Then the rocket engines activated and we flowed out of there.

"Tanks 4 saving me Ebony" said Sweetie bell. "I tohot dat I was going to be a prep fo sho!"

"Hey but I helped you too Sweetie bell" said Bleedaloo.

"STUF" I shouted at her kicking her in the eye repeatedly until it was swollen shut but that's okay because im a goff and goffs inflict cranial trauma upon one another like you wouldn't believe.

Sweetie Bell started to do it with me but I started cryhing "Ebony what's wrong?" she asked.

"Don't u fucking know???" I yelled. "My life is so fucking awful right now! Everypony at school is in love with me! Lyra and Pinkie Pie tryed to do it wtih me. Nightmare Moon did it with me tooo, and then Spike did it with me. Bleedaloo is already in love with me and now even Blueblood is in love with me!!! To top it all off I have superpowers that can do anything and I don't know how I got them and I still don't understand why I can ue the royal canterlot voice!!! I'm too perfect and good at everything, and I'm so hott that everypony wants to do ti with me but I just wante to be with U Sweetie Bell! W y can't anypony ese that???" And I ran out of the balloon crying and I used my unicorn magic to transleport back into school.

"Fangs 4 joining us Ms. Way" said Professor Cheerios. "Maybe next tim u will show up when class starts so that u don't miss half the lesson."

"Wut are we learning neway (lol geddit way like my name way)" I questioned.

"We are learning how to sew couch cushions 4 Pringles Celestia" said my friend Ditzt Doo understatedly. Ditzy Doo used to be named Derpy Hooves but I've been informed that that's racist or something so now it's Ditzy Doo. "Principle Celestia's butt has gotten so big that now she needs six million cooch cushions just so that she will have a place to sit." said Derpy Hooves.

"Dat fat fokking prep is so fucking fat" I giggled. "But sewing is 4 prepz who don't know how to stab themselves with needles." I tohot about it. "I know! Let's lizzen 2 GC an kut ourselves!!!" I took out my portable GC radio that only plays GC songs and turned it on. Butt instead of music...................tjhe only thing that came out of it was Sweetie Bell!

"Ebony wait" she said. "I need to tell you somfing! Be4 I met u I was depressed all the tiem and I was always trying to kill mself but now I only try to kill myself sometimes and I channel my depression into violent outbursts instead of just wallowing in it all the time. Uve been so helpful and special to me and I need you in my life! Don't u know dat I just love u more dan anythin? I dont care that all the other ponies do it with yoU!!! I just ened to be with you!!! I fucking love you!!!" Then she started to sing In The End by my favorite band, Lincoln Park.

"OMFG" I said. That was so romantic!!! I hugged Sweetie bell and we fancied. Ten we walked out of the classroom holding hooves. Professor Cheerilee yelled at us but we didn't hear because everypiony else was sewing really really loudly.

We ran suicidally out the door and past a bulletin board. It said that Green day was going to have a concert in Ponyville that night!!!!!!

I gasped.

Chapter Five: da blak paraed

AN: RUDIMENTARY CREATURES OF BLOOD AND FLESH

YOU TOUCH MY MIND

FUMBLING IN IGNORANCE

INCAPABLE OF UNDERSTANDING

THERE IS A REALM OF EXISTENCE SO FAR BEYOND YOUR OWN

YOU CANNOT EVEN IMAGINE IT

I AM BEYOND YOUR COMPREHENSION

******

"Seedy Bell!" I shouted. "WTF! Do u rlly tink Im gong 2 go 2 an other concerto wit u afta wt happened last tim???"

"R u sayin u did nut like doin it fiw me?" asked Sweetie Bell sadly and she started to make tears come out of her eyes because that's where tears come on ponies from you fucking retard. I started to have an octagon bcuz da site of her bein so goffic and sensitive and emo was so much dat it makez me horned lol.

"No no Sweete Belle!" I said to her reassuredly. "I love 2 do it wif u! Its just dat I dun want us 2 get cought by thse fucking preps at school."

"Oh okay" said Sweetie Belle. Well then "We'll just have 2 do it someplace where they cannot c us."

"Wait a minute!" I had an idea. "Itz going 2 b a goffik contort, rite???"

"Ya lol" siad Sweetie belle. "They were gong 2 invite Hilary Duff but I killed her and den Bon Bon did it wif her corpse bcuz shez a nekphilak."

"Kawaii" I said. "Den if it's gong 2 be goffik, there wil b no ligtes!!! Ever1 nose dat darkness is the only place where goffs can b truly happy." I gasped. "We can do it at da consert1"

"Kawaii" said Sweetie Belle.S he smelled happily. "Den Ill c u der!"

"Kawaii." I walked off depressinglyhappily 2 get ready 4 the concert.

I gasped!

******

I found Rampage (who is my best friend now that Applejack is dead) waiting 4 me outside of the school. "Heeyyy cunt" she said 2 me. "R u ready 2 get so smexy dat Sweetie bell will said "omfg ur so sexy???"???"

"U no it gurl!" I smelled happily.

"Well then letz get go shopping!!!" and we started to trot off.

"OMFG I cantw ait 2 go 2 hot Topic!!!" I said. "I want 2 c if da new shade of black illiner is in yet."

"That sounds great Ebony butt we're not going to Hot Topic" said RAmpage.

I stopped walking so hard that dirt flew all over the place and all over Rampage and she was so smexy when she was covered in dirt all over her pale white coat and red strips that reminded me of freshly zlizt riztz dat I just wanted 2 do it wif her but I knew that that would onlyt make Bleedaloo want 2 kill herself again so I didn't do it wif her. Then I remembered what she said and I gasped. "We're not going to Hot Topik?!?!?!?!?! Rampage, R U A PREP?!?!?!?!?!" I reached for my MCR maschinegun and started to load it with laser-tipped blood bullets that I bought from Flem and Flan's store

Den Rampage started to laugh. "No no, of course not u shitbag1. I just mean wer gonna go 2 a new goffik store dat I know about, It just opened up in Ponyvill!"

"Oh okay lol." I put my machinegun back in2 my saddle and we went to Ponyville.

I gasped!

******

When we got to Ponyville we encuntered B'Lood. "Heyy bitch!" I said suicidally.

"Hi back," said B'Lood sadly. I could tell she was probably sad because that bitch Rarity was being rude to her agian. Rarity was the town's onyl dress maker, but because shes a total fucking prep she doesnt make anything for goffs. WHen Sweetie Bell got excepted in2 Celestia's School for Gifted Unicrons, she asked Rarity to make her some new cloves. She gave her designs for a long blak dress with purple trim and on the trim was written "My darkness is blacker then the blackest of darks."

"That is the worst I dea you've ever had you worthless pile of trash!" said Rarity and it wasn't ok for her 2 say that becuz even tho goffs can say it to other goffs Rarity is not a goff. Then she starred shoving needles in2 Sweetie Bells skin and running electrical currents through them. Dat must b y she wont' let me do that 2 her. bcuz she's still traumatized from when Rarity did that to her.

We went sexily to the shop where the goff clothes were. Suddenly............................B'Lood was behind the cunter! "OMFG" I gosped. "B'Lood! U didn't tell me dat u sold goffik cloves!"

"Ya I do" said B'Lood. "I used to sell books in my book store butt then dat bitch Princess Candice told me that I could only sell The Princess Diarrheas."

"Like, omigod, I love, like, those, like, books! Like!" said a fucking prep named Diamond Tiara.

"STFU" I jumpe don Diamond Tiara and bited her and started dirnking her b'lood. "NOOOOOOOOOOOO" said Diamond Tiara and then her friend Silver Surfer came in and saw it and started to do it wif her because they are sharks and sharks get horny when they see blood lol.

"Neway what do u have 4 us to wear B'Lood?" I inquirered.

She started rubbishing through her box. "We only keep these 4 da REEL goffs."

"Da REEL goffs?"" Rampage and I asked awesomely.

"Ya u wooden believe how many poser preps come in trying 2 look cool. Just the other day Pinkie Pie and bon-bon came in to buy a goffik binockyalers."

Suddenlyt I knew y dey could see me yesterday when I was changin mah lcoves. "OMFG DAT MEANS DEY HAVE BAD VIZZIN!!!!!!!" I ran out of the changing room and everypony saw me and started to clop 4 me.

"Very nice Ebony1!!" said Rampage.

"Ya u look so smexy in dat dress! It's sooooooo you!" said B'Lood clopping very hard.

"Fangz" I went 2 go pay 4 da cloves. "How much wikl it kost?"

"Oh it looks so good on u dat 2 charge u 4 it wood be criminal." She smelled understatedly at me. "Itz good 2 c u again Ebony. I mussed u."

"Me 2" I grumped. "Maybe I wil c u at da corset?"

"Ya!" said B'Lood. "N Mebbe we culd tock sum more."

"Ya except I have a fillyfriend now u fucking lesbo pervy bitch!!!!" I shouted and I used my royal canterlot voice on her "FUS RO DAH" and destroyed her entire shop but it's ok becuz were goffs and goffs have da best disaster insurance in Equestria n 4 sum raisin I count as a disaster.

Neway we got sexily into da goffik blak Apache helicopter n started flinging back 2 Cunterlot. "I cant wait 2 show Sweetie bell my new outfit!" i jingled.

We got back 2 da castle. Suddenly Spike ran out. "EboNY YU NEED 2 COME IN NOW!!!! Butt we told him 2 fuck off lol and then me an al my frendz went 2 get red 4 da consort.

"MAKE-OVER TIIIIIIIME" said B'Lood and we all giggled. We put on our make-up (white foundation, TONS of blacl eyeliner, black and red lipstick with pentagram shapes in da middle of our lips, blue steel eyesharrow and black blush), and our cloves. I was wearing the sleazy black dress dat showed off my hindquarters all sexily without making me look like a slut, and my black converse shoes On my back I wore my MCR machine gun and Discord's preppy pink shotgun wif blond hari. If anypony asked I wood tell dem dat I killed Trotleton Heston and pried it form his cold deahooves. I did up my mane 2 look liek Natalie Portman's hair in dat movie V for Vendetta except instead of shaving my head I kept it long. Rampage was wearing her silver and black soldierz unifrom dat se ewars 2 skull danses and a blood red pocket watch dat instead of telling time tells u how goffik u r. B'Lood was wearing da dress dat she wor 2 da grand galloping gala in dat esipode about da grand galloping gala from da show accept instead of being bleu with stars and moons on it it was a sea of red blood and it was covered in da screaming souls of da dammed.

"So who r u gong 2 da grand glaloping gayla wif?" I queeried.

"Im going 2 go wif Doctor Hoofs." Said Ditzy Doo. Doctor Hoofs was the school sinus teacher. His lessons were alyaws cool beczu he didnt try 2 teach us science and instead we just did drugs and had do it on da desks while he played a funky sitar.

"IM gong 2 go wif Saren" said B'Lood. "I no hes gay but he still likes gurls."

"And IM gong 2 go wif Applejack" said Rampage.

I thought about Bleedaloo and realized dat she wood probably stay home n sliztz her riztz insted of cum 2 da consert. I felt bad 4 her but den I tohot about how Sweety Bell and I were going 2 do it later and den I 4got about bleedaloo. Neway our dates all got there. Da boi wer wearing black illiner and leather jacksons. Sweetie Bell was wearing her suit of N7 armor. We got in2 her goffik black car wit maschine guns instead of license plates and drove 2 Ponyvill 4 da consert. We did pot, coke, an dcrak.

We got 2 da consert n jumped out of da car and ran 2 da stage. Marlion Monroe was onstage wif his band Green Day. They looked so hot. I was so fucking hapy. Den suddenly...................James Monroe took off his mask!!! Da otherz did da same. I gasoed. I new who dat was and it wasnt James Taylir. It was a preppy dragon snake with lots of different pars and arms and legs and a snaggletoof!!! It was......................................Discord and his Discordant Disco Dancers!!!!!

"Ebony!" he said badly. "U halve not jkilled Twilight Sparjle yet!!1!!!"

"No no plz don't kill Sweetie Bell!!!!" I pleased. "Look ill kill her right now 4 u!!!!" i took out my gunz and pointed dem at B'Lood but it's oky because us goffs always point firearms at each other with intent to kill so i ignored it when B'Lood rattled off a string of epithets and profanities at my sudden betrayal.

"No! ITz 2 latte!!!" Discord started 2 take out his nife.

Syddenly.....................a goffik black pony wit long flowing red hair that looked like Principle Celestia's hair except red and purple and red flu in!!!!!! She was wearing a GC concert T. I gasped........................Principle Celestia had cum 2 save us!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I GASPED!

Chapter Six: Because... Vampire!

apples Norse: no tara i dont have your sweater why do you keep asking me why wont you let it go quiet please make it stop quiet please make it stop quiet please make it stop quiet please make it stop quiet please make it stop quiet please make it stop quiet please make it stop quiet please make it stop quiet please make it stop quiet please make it stop quiet please make

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I woke up sexily da next morning. It was snowing and arining and hailing and raining some more outside which made me really fucking depressed, so I was happy. I locked to my left and there was Sweetie Bell. We had doed it all night long bcuz we ere so horny from seeing Gerward Way at da consert, even if he turned out 2 be Discord da whole time. Sweetie Bel was wearing her black and red iron armor made out of red gold and black silver and it was covered in the cutie marks of those who hawd wronged her. I was wearing nothing lol i wuz naked bcuz of all the do it.

Da night before at da consert Discord and his Discordant Disco Dancers (AN SUIT UD DEY R IN DAS SHOW OK FUK OF) got scared wen dey saw Principle Celestia flying in. Dey were scarred bcuz she locked so goffik and dey thought that meant she was connected with Satan. I was super fucking excited to see what Principle Cletus looked like now that she was goffik. She was already not as fucking fat and gross anymore because there are no fat goffs.

I went to the cafeteria 2 get my breakfast. Sweetie Bell, Bleedaloo, Rampage, Ditzy Doo and B'Lood were already there along with Flem and Flan. Flem and Flan used to be gothic magicians but they had to quit becuz all da towns they visited were run by preps who hated goffs. Dey were just about to commit suicide when Princess Nightmare Moon jumped out of a tree and rescued them by kicking them in the stomach until they vomited up all the pills they swallowed but that'sok because they r goffs and goffs simply operate under different rules than the rest of society. Flem and Flan started 2 tell sum moribund jokes.

Suddenly....................da lunch room turned purple and green! "WTF" I screamed. "Do I need to paint da cafeteria again???" I started 2 slitzt muh riztz 2 make da blod go everywhar.

"No Ebony look!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Bleated Bleedaloo and suddenly................................Principle Celestia came in2 da room! SHe looked da same as last night but now I could see dat she was only wearing a dress dat made her look skinny! I gasped! "She is not skinny at all! She is still fucking fat and gross! Dat means............................" I gasped. "She is still a prep!!!!!!!!!!!"

Princople Celestia took out a piece of red velvet cake and started 2 eat it prepilly. "Hello everypony as u can c i gave da room a makeoughghghff fhmmmfff fmffmf" she said because her mouth was full of cake so she couldn't talk anymore. All da preps in da room started to clop 4 her. Well we goths just sat there looking at each other and shook our heads all disfusted and shook our heads.

"Cum on Ebony we r going 2 be late 4 skull" (geddit skull lik in dat winnie da poop movie wher dey al fuk an at da end satan blowz up da world lol dat waz da best one) said Sweetie Bell fancying me sexily. I saw Bleedaloo get really sad and depressed and cry bloody goffik tears at the way I shamelessly played her heartstrings like a lyre but it's ok because we r goffs and we r only happy when we r sad.

I was so fucking mad.

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I was so fucking mad! All day I just sat der angrily tinkering about Principle Celestia. "Who da fuck duz she tink she is?>!?!" I gothed gothically. "We goffs half 2 work hard just 2 be goffik an she tanks dat she can be goffik without even trying Well I wont stand 4 it!!!!!!"

But when I looked at Sweetie Bell she was not clopping 4 everyfing dat I was saying. "WTF Sweetie Bell u r not being sportive!!!!!" I junked at her.

but Sweetie Bell just looked at me and shushed me. "Ebony it is the middle of the most important midterm of the year. Can u please keep it down?"

I couldn't fucking believe Sweetie Bell was telling me to shut up!!! I kicked her as hard as we could in the face but that's okay because she FUCKING DESERVED IT DO YOU HEAR ME SHE DESERVED IT YOU ALL DESERVE IT YOU WILL ALL ALL ALL ALL ALL ALL ALL ALL and I left da room crying tears of blood. I cantered depressingly all the way 2 tha girls locker room where I kept all my drugs and weapons and I locked the door. I took out my mariwanna machine gun and started to shoot myself with it over and over again. Sweetie Bell banged on the door but I couldn't hear her because machine guns are really fucking loud.

Suddenly.........................................Spike came out of the machine gun instead of mariwanna! "OMFG how do u fit in there???" I asked confusingly.

"Becuz u 4got 2 turn da safety on" Said Spike as he smoked a pot sigaret. Only it wasn't a pot sigaret. It was................................Principle Celestia!!!

WTF

"Ebony u need 2 go c Sweetie Bell" said Principle Celestia as she swallowed forty cakes. She swallowed forty cakes. That's as many as four tens. And that's preppy.

"No!" I screamed. "Sweetie Bell does not care about me at all! She is not goffik she just pretends she is she is really a prep becausz she likes school more den do it!"

"Whatever I don't care lol" said Principle Celestia. "Just get out of the locker room before I cover u in spiderses."

I did not like spiderses at al. So I ran da fuk away.

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I ran al da way to Ponyville really really fasdt. B'lood was there! "Ebony wutz wrong???" she axed. "Did Nirvana cansel da consert?"

"Nirvana is having a consert!!!!" I screamed happily. Dey r my favorite band!!!!!! "Well Id better go homily and get reddy 4 it." SO I turned around and ran al da way back to Cuntalot. I tried on lotz of different cloves while moshing to helena by MCR. In the end (LOL GEDDIT LIK LINKIN PARK) I chose to wear my horny helmet covered in prep blood dat was pink becuz prepz have sparkly pink blood (lik remember in da discord disco when da prepz had sparkly pink blood o mi satan pplz i cant eremmber al dis sit 4 u) along wif a pair of blak jeanz dat were all ripped up at da niece and a lacy leather blak bra made out of chainz.

Suddenly............................Bleedaloo! "Ebony!" She said. "Do u want 2 go to da conserpplblblbllblblblbmmhhmm?" But she couldn't talk anymore becuz I put my tongue in her mouth and we fancied lol. Den we went 2 da consert.

I saw Lyra and Bon-Bon fancying in da middle of da mosh pit. Dey wer dressed lik goffs but it was obvious dat dey were not goffik becuz their cloves were actshelly pink and purple. Suddenly.................they started doing it!!!!!! And Winona was watching!!!!!!!!

"OMFG" I screamed. "PREPZ DOING IT AT TWELVE O CLOCK" (an in da story da consert is in da day time ok)

All da goffs looked. Kurt Warner stopped singing and blared angirly at dem. "Get dose prepz!!!!!" he shouted in his sexy voice. All da goffs grabbed dem and trough dem out of da moshpit and covered dem in gross stuff like antibiotics and Ovaltine. Everypony clopped super hard and fast bcuz we were so excited dat da prepz were gon.

Suddenly I saw Sweetie Bell cying in a corner.

I gasped!

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I knew dat Sweetie bell was probavbly sad becaus she saw me moshing with Bleedaloo but it should have been ok becuz we r goffs and goffs are promiscuous as fuck. But it wan't. "Omfg Sweetie bell r u ok???" I asked all sensitve.

"Fuck off1!!!" She screamed and ran away crying.

"Itz ok Ebony" said Bleedaloo all goffikally. "I'll get her back."

"Ya ur just gong 2 do it wif her rent u??!?!?!?!" O shooted.

"But Ebony, don't you do it with, like, anything that moives? Where the fuck do you get off judging Sweetie Bell for whatever impropriety you think she's ccommitted?" asked bleedaloo smartly.

"WAAHHHH SHUT UP I HATE LOGIC" And I ran away agian. But this time............I saw Ovalescence. "O shit!!!!" I put on my invisibility scarf. It was dyed red with the blood of goffik martyrs and autographed by Saren.

"Hello? Hello? Is anypony der?" asked da horsekeeper. It was..........................Shinning Armor! Shinning Armor is B'Lood's brother but he is a prep not a goff becuz B'lood got al da goffik jeans and Shinning Armor got all da flawed preppy jeanz. So he lives in Principle Celestia's SChool 4 Gifted Unicorns. He is da janitor lol and sometimes he eats poop.

"Nopony is here u preppy poser son of a bitk" said Me.

'EXCUZ ME. EXCUZ ME WHO SED DAT???" asked Shinning ARmor. Suddenly Ovalescence pointed at da scarf and started 2 meow lowdly. "Ovalescence is der anypony wearing da scarf?" Ovalescence nodded. I knew dat he was about to c me so I threw off my scarf and used my royal canterlot voce. "FUS ROH DAH!" And I blew him up into a thousand pieces but it's oky becauz

Anyway I got back 2 my room. Sweetie bell was watching Da Black Swan with Natalie Portman. In it, a colt and a mare were doing it when suddenly a cereal killer came and killed dem. She laughed at al da blood and dats how I knew she was still goffil

"Sweetie bell r u okay?" I asked concertedly.

"I guess tho." We fancied and had do it sixteen times. Suddenly................................my eyes rolled back and I had a vision. In it............................someponies were coming in2 da school. It was............................da Mayor of Ponyvill and da Royal Guard!!!!!!

I gasped.

Chapter Seven: Aminal I Have Become

answers neanderthal: omg im so srry u giz 4 da last cuppla atuhors noses. i guess somtimz i dont no wut i half. neway tara is gr8 n it turnz out i had her sweetner da hole tim lol i can b so srupid somtimz. U can keep mi posterior of Gerard. I no hez rlly ur hubsand n nut mine. BFFZIEZ.

in otter newz (lol geddit lik huey lewis n da newz dat fukkin prep badn) A talented jung artist named 666xxxtears4mybleedingsoulxxx666 just drew a pikachu of my little Immortal 4 me. FANGZ U GOFFIK BITCH U FUKKIN ROXXX!!111111111 U can c it on da frunt paje. GO n C it n clop 4 her!!!!1111111111111111111111

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Der is a goffik beest insid all of us. Da beast wants 2 eat ur soul n make u a goff like it. Da only way 2 defeat da goffik beast is 2 let it win n becum goffik. Otterwise, u becum a prep.

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After I was dunn wit watever it was dat i did in da last chapta (lol i don remember wut i rot) I ran in2 da Great Hal locking 4 mah frendz. Butt they were nut there. "WTF" I shouted 2 da emptiness.

Suddenly.............................. Bleedaloo, Sweetie Bell, Ditzy Doo, Flem and Flan, B'Lood and Rampage were there!!! "Where did u giz cum from??" I inquisited.

"When we saw u coming, we had 2 give u a surprise!!!" Said Sweetie Bell. She trotted over 2 me and we fancied. I looked at all my freindz. Crest was there! Crest used 2 be named COlgate. She was da town dentist in Ponyville, but one day she had a patient who didn't want 2 be operated on so she cut her head off and through it in the trash and ran away laughing lol it wuz me. After tha they put Golcate's head back on but she was 2 tramatized 2 be a dentist anymore. Den her Cutie mark changed in2 a pikture of Stalin putting up his middle finger at a bunch of prepz n she tock it as a sine dat she should be goggic. After dat she converted to Stanism and moved 2 Canterlot 2 go 2 Celestia's School for Gifted Unicrosn. She changed her name 2 Crest bcuz Crest rhymes wit Depressed n goffs r depressed.

"An besidz, da Mare of Ponyville is cumming 2 da skull (geddit skull datz wut is rapped around mah brane an i uze my brane 4 riting) n everypony os gong 2 go c her" said Sweetie Bell erectively.

"O ya!" I borked. "I betta go get drezzed." Al I was wearing waz my smexty yaoi top wif Gerard an Joel making out, my ripened blak skirt dat had goffik swear wrods on it in sandskirt (gettit) n my black and red underware dat covered my cutie markz suggestingly.

"Datz ok Ebony, we r ponez, an ponez don't wear cloves anyway" said Bleedaloo smartly.

I smelled happily at her. Bleedaloo iz mah smarty friend! So I tock off my cloves. Just then.....................Sweetie Bell looked at me longly, and started dancying wit me! I fancied her right back, lol and then we climbed on top of each other. "Oh! Oh! Oh!" I screamed while we had do it in da grate hall. Everypony around us clopped n cheered becuz we were so smexy lol accept 4 Bleedaloo she started 2 cry instead. But "cry" and "clop" n "cheer" both begin wit da letter "K" so datz okay.

Just then..........................."WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU HORNY SIMPLETONS?"

Sweetie Bell got off of me just as I finished having my oblivion. I loked up. Everypony stopped clopping. I shopped doing it wif Sweetie Bell. I gasped. It was.......................................................Professor Cheerilee!!! N behind her waz......................Principle Celestia, Professor Lyra, Professor Bon-Bon and...............teh Mare of Ponyville!

"MR WAY WAT DA BLEEP R U DOING???" intimidated teh Mare of Ponville.

"Lol im doing it wif my marefriend" I giggled suicidally. "Want 2 join in?" Principle Celestia blared at me.

"Ops she made a mistake, she means hi everypony, cum on in." She said and dey al trotted in2 da room.

"Dis cannot be!" said da Mare. "Discord is planning 2 kill da students! U must shut down da skull!" Den she pointed at Principle Celestia angrily. "U cannot be da principle anymore. U r 2 fat n ur big butt is dongerous! U must retry or Discord will kill ur students!"

"Very well" said Principle Celestia. "But we cannot close da skull. It iz da only skull in Equestria n wifout it our already abysmal literacy rate will attain critical mass."

"Den wat do u propoze Celestia?" asked Princess Nightmare Moon.

"Wut we need 2 do is 2 fite Discord. Butt only one pony can do dat. Dat pony iz da chosin one." She took out a goffik blak book wif a bloody black pentagarm on itz blod red cover. Wen she opened it da room filled wif da wailoing sorrows of a thousand goffs. It sounded just like a song by Green Day.

Principle Celestia red da prophecy badly.

"Wen da prepz al show up n try 2 kill da goffs

A pony will be born who can uze da Royal Cnaterlot Voice even dough she iz nut a princess.

She will kill a big fucking prep named Candice wif it.

Den she will go 2 Principle Celestia's School 4 Gifted Unicrons bcuz she iz da Chosin One."

Principle Celestia shopped redding n blared at da mare. Da Mare gosped (geddit lik gospel dat iz a prepy kind of musik). "Neighstrodamus rote dat!!!" she fingered. "But da Chosin 1 is just an old mes tale!"

Principle Celestia nooded. "Yes. But she isn't becuz she is standing in dis room. And her name is................................Ebony Way!"

Bleedaloo, Sweetie Bell, Rampage, Flem and Flan, B'Lood, Ditzy Doo, Saren, Crest, Professor Cheers, Professor Lyra, Professor Bon-Bon, Doctor Hoof, Princess Nightmare Moon, Principle Celestia, da Mare, Blueblood, Spike, Shining Armor, Obsolescence, Applejack, Discord, Draco, Vampire, Diabolo, Grab and Coyle, Lucian, Serious, Darkness, B'Loody Mary, Dracola, Professor Sinister, Professor Trevolry, Satan, Samaro, Snap, Loopin, Dobby, Hargrid, Dumblydore and Volxemort looked stared at me................................................I gasped!

After dat it wuz time 4 greakfast. We all sat down at are tablez. Da prepz sat at da prep table n da goffs sat at da goffik table. We all stared angrily at each other wile we ate are breakfast. Da goffs ate burned toast bcuz da burnz remind us of da horrible burning pain we all feel deep down n bcuz light toast is 4 preps. Da preps ate sunny side up eggs bcuz da sun reminded them of Principle Celestia's cutie mork.

Swordenly.....................Bleedaloo and Sweetie bell started fighting. "U bitch!" said Sweetie Bell. "I wanted 2 shit next 2 her!"

"Butt there are two empty seats next to her!" said Bleedaloo smartly. "We can both sit next to her on either side!"

"STFU!" Said Sweaty Bell. She kicked Bleedaloo really hard in da teef but datz ok becuz were goffs n goffs r kinda dumb if u hadn't noteced. Suddenly.........................da window shatterefd. In flew a preppy monster dat looked like Discord. It was..........................Discord!!!

"Ebony" said Q meanly. "Thou hast not yet killed Twilight Schnitzel. U must do it soon, or I shall kill thy beloved Sweetie Bell!"

"No! No! Plz dont make me kill B'Lood!" I bagged.

Discord laffed again. "No! Kill her or I shall killer her anyway!" Den he flew back out. Den I had a depressing visitor. In it, Discord n Sweetie Bell were lizzening 2 some Hilary Duff music n moshing in a preppy way. Den Discord took out his blonde barbye shotgun n shooted her in2 a million peaces n did it wif her crops.

"No! No!" I bagged again. But then Sweetie Bell snaped me out of it by pouring molten steel down my nostrils.

"Ebony r u okay???" she asked siriusly.

"No im nut!" I sabbed. "OMFG wut if Discord iz assuming direkt control over me lik in Mass Effect too???"

"Datz probably nut wutz gong on," sed B'Lood understatedly. "But ud better go c Professor Zecora juts 2 make shore."

"Okay cunt" I sed n we walked sexily 2 professor Zecora's office.

Professor Zecora was a goffik zebra who came from a place called ALgeria. Algeria was 2 ful of prepz n didn't half enough goffs so she poisoned them all with black nail polish (Bucuzz datz wut killz prepz) n moved to Cantinglot 2 teach potionz n deviation. She was goffik like me n really cool n stuff.

"Konnichiwa Ebony" said Zecora in her deep smexy voice dat sounded like Samuel L. Jacket's voice. "Have u come 2 learn?"

"No actshelly I juts need 2 know whut my vizzinz mean."

"Oh well okay dat makez sense" said Zecora. "I know dat uve been halving visions."

"WTF" I screamed. "R U WORKING 4 DISCORD!!!" I took out my MCR maschine gun n Sweetie Bell started 2 cry. "HOW COULD UUUUUU?"

"No no no" laughed Zecora. "Zebras just know instincitvely when somepony is having a vision. That's all."

"If that's the case then why didn't you tell Principle Celestia what was going on right away and saved us all the trouble of - "

"STUF" we all shouted at Bleedaloo. Den I went inside Zecora's office. "Okay Ebony now gays in2 da balls." I looked at them. "Wut do u c?"

"Balls" I said.

"Very good!" said Zecora. "Now go away so dat I can figgure out wut ur vizins mean."

I felkt so much better now that Zecora knew what was happening dat I got up and smelled happily at Sweetie bell. We fancied n went back 2 my room talking about goffik things, lik if Gerard Way was smexier than Joel Madden, or Humpfree Bogart."

Wen we got back 2 my room Sweetie bell took of her cloves. "Ebony wut did Depressor Zecora say?" she whispered in her goffik voice dat sounded like a combination of Claire Corlett and Fran Drescher.

"She said dat my vizzions mean dat im da Chosin One." I manned as Sweetie Bell and I started 2 do it. "I guess dat meanz I half 2 fite Discord now."

Sweetie Bell put on sum musik. It was da theme song 2 my favorite cartoon Danny Phantom.

YO DANNY FENTON HE WAS JUST FOURTEEN

WHEN HIS PARENTS BUILT A VERY STRANGE MACHINE

IT WAS DESIGNED TO VIEW A WORLD UNSEEN

HE'S GONNA CATCH 'EM ALL CUZ HEZ DANNY PHANTOM

We did it really really good. Den...................my eyes rolled up n I had a vizzin. In it...........................a bunch of prepz were shooting at 2 goffik pones!!!

"No! No!" I bagged. I woke up. I twas crying tearz of blood. Sweetie Bell shopped doing it wif me. "Wuzt wrong Ebony?" she asked contestedly.

I told her abott my vizin. She looked at me badly. "Ebony we need 2 go c Principle Celestia. She will no wut 2 do!"

I nooded. But den I remembered who wax in da vissin...................................Painbow Slash and Loona!

I gasped!

Chapter Eight: How, Pray Tell, Does One "Loaf Meanly?"

allons-y norbert: im sorry dat dis chapa tock so lung 2 rite!!1111111111 Im so goffik dat somtimz I 4get how 2 uze da komputer 2 rite tings!!!! Neway lol fangs for waitin so lung 4 me n i hope dat u lik dis chapta. It iz muh favorite chapta so far bcuz it iz 20 percent more goffik dan da otter ones (LPOL GIDDIT LIK RAINBOW DASH SAUYS THAT IN 1 EPOUSODE)

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Me and Sweetie bell cried and cried the rest of the time we were doing it. We couldn't believe what was going on with Painbow Slash and Loona. AFter my one hundred trillionth oblongism Sweetie Bell said "hey Ebony shouldn't we go tell Principle Celestia what's going on with Painbow Slash and Loona?"

"Oh ya lol" I said bcuz I 4got about them. We got up and cuntered sexily 2 Principle Celestia's orifice. Painbow Slash is frum Clodsdale n she is a pegasus. Her old name was Rainbow dash n her hair was made out of rainbows but one day she found out that her real parents were goffik pirates who killed n rapped ponies n other goffik things. She was so depressed dat she turned ogffik n became a pirate 2! She changed her name ro Painbow Slash bcuz of how much she loves pain (she's a mesoamerican so pain makes her hornyt)n her cutie mark iz now a picture of a goffik pony wif blood red illiner stabbing two prtepz 2 deaf wif swordz made out of Christians n da prepz r naked n crying n stuff.

Loona is Princess Nightmare Moon's sister butt shr is not a princess dshe is just :Loona. Loona was born on da moon but when she was a little girl Princess Candice kindapped her for smex bcuz she wazz a ropist n a pedofork. She got freedom when I killed Princess Candice wif my Royal Atnercot voice but Loona was beverly depressed n suicidal bcuz of her sexperience. Sheis goffik now and her cutie mark is still da moon bcuz da moon iz what makes warolves n warwolfes r fuckin hot did u c taylor laundry in New Moon lol dat waz da sexist movie ever goz fux taylor laundry.

Neway we got 2 Principle Celestia's office. As usual dat fikkiun prep waz eatin pizz an kace with her hoofs. What a fucking fat fucking preppy fucking prep fucker. "Celstiea Celestia" we said 2gether really fast.

"What" said Principle Celestia.

"Sire are freindz have been shot!" said Sweetie Bell while I wipped some tearz out of her eyes.

"U interrupted snackl time 2 tell me dat!" Principle Celestia fumigated. She launched some stones at us. "Go back 2 ur rooms! U r grounded 4 ever!"

Suddenly I got really mad and I grew fifty feet tall n my hair got all gold and spikey like on dat Japanese cartoon Neon Genesis Angel Lions. "Look Motherfucker" I screamed in my Royal Canterlot Voice. "Ur fookin fat n gross n a prep, no matter how goffik u try 2 tell everypony u r! Now my freindzz are bein shopt at so ud better put down ur food n find dem, pornto!"

Principle Celestia gasped because I used bad words. She dropped all her cock and pizazz and started 2 cry and cry but I knew it was bvuz she was a prep n unt bcuz she was goffik. Goffs only cry da rite way. Prepz cry da rong, preppy way.

"Y r u crying>!>!" I screamed.

"bcuz iom goffok" puddled Principle Celestia.

"She iz nut goffik!" cried Sweetie bell pornting at her eyes. "She z nut even crying tearz of blood1

"Lik I said!" I started to stomp on Pesto Salad again and again until all her bones were broken but datz ok bcuz we r goffik an Celestia's School for Gifted Unicrons has the highest mortality rate out of any educational institute in Equestria. But I did not lkill Principle Cletus. I shrunk down 2 normal pony size n said "Now r u going 2 jhelp me find my friendz?"

Pontius Caleb nooded preppily.

"God!" I stomped on her again. "N from now on don't let me catch u wearing goffik cloves ever again!" Sweetie Bell and I stomped depressingly out of her room.

"Wait Ebony" said Sweetie Bell. "U forgot 2 tell Polonium Calcium where Painbow Slash and Loona were."

"Oh ya lol" I took out my balls. "We can find out by looking in here." We looked sexily at my balls. Suddenly.........................................there they were!

"Let'z get them!" we said 2gether. We jumped in2 Sweetie Bell's car n drove 2 where they were. We found da prepz shooting tehm wif big preppy shotguns. I gasped. They were pink and had blonde hair just like Discords gun.

"OMFG" I said. "Discord told them 2 kill Painbow and Loona!"

"But y?" asked Sweetie Bell sexily. She turned on da machine guns in her car that it has instead of license plates and started 2 shoot all da prepz. When da prepz were dead we jumped out of da car and clopped sexily over 2 Painbow and Loona. THey were both bleeding a lot. Dat made us depressed so we stopped for a few hours 2 cut ourselves n lizzen 2 BC. When we were finished they were buthe very pail and nut breathing. "OMFG" I creamed. "We need 2 get dem 2 da hospital!"

"No need!" said Sweetie Bell poundly. She reached in2 da trunk of ehr car and pulled out da hospital. "OMFG" I said. "How did dat fit in der?"

"I keep hospitals stashed all over Equestria" said Sweetie Bell. "In case of hospital emergency."

"That's a fucking cop-out" said Solid snake.

"STFU" we screamed n we took dem in2 da hospital. And we gasped. Saren was there! "OMFG Saren!" I screamed. I was so happy dat we had do it right there in da weighting room. Sweetie Bell cried and cried but that's okay bcuz wer goffik and you can have sex with someone behind your girlfriend's back as long as it's with a boy and it's casual, RIGHT BLACKJACK?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

"OMFG Saren wut r u dong here?" I asked after da do it.

"Oh im a doctor 2" said Saren. He picked up Loona and Painbow Slash and walked in2 da operating room. "Nurse I need twenty CCs of goffik juice rite away"

Da nurse walked in wif a giant bottle of goffik beer.

Sweetie Bell and I sat there for what felt like one thousand hours. We looked at each other's goffik., depressed eyes. We francied but for somer eason Sweatie Belle didn ot want 2 fancy wif me so I just pinned her down and fancied her while she struggled lol. Suddenly..........................da hospital doors opened. Loona and Painbow Slash came in on stretchers........................................and Zecora was behind them!

I gasped!

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Everypony in da hospital was crying nd cheering and clopping a lot bcuz dey were so happy dat we saved Loona and Painbow Slash. But I was 2 goffik to cheer 4 dem so I just sat dere zlitzting muh riztz.

Suddenly...............Zecora said "Ebony we need 2 ave a talk right now." So we wnent in2 an operating room. A doctrow was doing sugery on some prepz. "Hey u can't be in here!" said da doctor.

"FUK OF!" ssaid Zecora. Da doctor did n we sat on da prepz who were now dead bcuz da doctor wazn't doing sugery on dem anymore. "Ebony I now know what da meaning of what u saw in da balls" said ZZeccora badly.

"OMFG" I said. "Wut happened?"

"Der is an epic pony war coming" said Zecora. "A war between goffs and prepz dat will destroy da world. In da future prepz and goffs will still be fighting n da prepz r going 2 win. Da only way 2 save da future is 4 u 2 go forward in tim 2 defeat Dicksword n hiz preppy army or else da future is domed."

We did deths tuch sin n I went back outside. Bleedaloo n Sweetie Bell were waiting 4 me. "Wut did Zecora say?" asked bleedaloo.

I started 2 tell dem but da party was 2 loud. Oh ya lol I 4got 2 say dat dere was a party. Everypony from da skull wuz der. All of my friends were there. And Applejack was there. Principle Celestia was there 2 but she was there 2 get her bones fixed becuz of how bad I almost killed her earlier lol. Crest was there doing mouth sugery on some prepz n not using any Novacaine but dat'z okay bcuz we're gofifk n goffs have gr8 malpractice insuracne. There were also a lot of prepz there trying 2 be goffik. They were all cutting themselves, even tho they did not no why goffs cut demselves (its cuz we r goffik).

I took out my invincibility scarf n raped it around me and bleedaloo and sweetie Bell. THen we walked sexily out of da hospital.

I gapsed!

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Wen we gut bak 2 da school Wheaties Bell asked me "Ebony wut did Professor Zecora say abott ur vizzinz?"

I told her dat I had 2 go in2 da future. Bleedaloo said "Why do you have to go into the future to stop the war? Why not prevent the war from ever happening by staying in the past?"

"BCUZ DAT IZ NUT DA GOFFIK WAY lol geddit way lik my name ebony way" I said.

Suddenly Swetie Belly looked asd. "What's wrong Sweetie Bell" we asked concertoly?

"Wen u go in2 da future r u going 2 break up wif me?" asked Sweetie Bell.

"Lol no" I said. "Datz stupid. Ur stupid."

"Really Ebony?' asked Sweetie bell smilingly.

"Ya. Bcuz ur my fokkin marefriend u silly filyl!" We fancied. Suddenly.................Bleedaloo took out a camera n started 2 record it (I had said dat it was ok be4). We started 2 do it a lot. Bleedaloo was watching even though I knew she would rather be doing it 2 but that's ok becuz we r goffik n goffs r notorious cockteases.

Suddenly........................"O MI JESUS WUTZ DIS NONSENSE?"

It was...................................Professor Lyra n Professor Bon-Bon!

I gasped!

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We all jamped out of my bed. "CUM NOW!!!!!" said Bin-Ban angrily. We did suicidally. Bleedaloo started 2 cry n me n Sweetie Bell comforted her by licking her face. Lyra garbed the catamaran n put it in her poket.

"Hey motherducker datz mi cameral" said Bleedaloo angirly while me and Sweetie Bell licked her face. "I paid six thousand goffik dullards 4 it!"

"Well no itz muh caramel" said Lyra. She loafed meanly.

They tock us 2 a room dat was filled wif gardening implements. I gasped. It was..................the shed! Bon-Bon put down a Twister mat n made us stand inside it. Den she said "OK Lurid im gong 2 go 2 da store now is dere anyfing we need?"

Lyra fought about it. "Maybe u can bi (lol geddit bcuz im bi) some lesbian things. We r almost out of lesbian things."

I got so mad that I started to stomp and stompo. "I HATE LESBANANAS!!!!!!!" I eagled.

"Cum down Ebony" whispered Sweetie Bell sweetly. "remember, u brought ur ipony. U can txt somepony 2 help us."

Suddenly Lyra laughed. Then......................she transformed in2 a horrible monster! I gasoed. Lyra wasn't actually a pony. Lyra was.........................Queen Crystalis!

"Hahahahahahahaaha!" said QUeen Crystalis. "U three have so much goffik depression n sorrow in ur bodies dat I can absorb it all! Den I will be even more pwoerful den Principle Celestial!"

"U prep!" I screamed.

Queen Crystalis Laughed. Then..................she gave me a prepy pink handgun that was autographed by da guy who played da boy in Cholestoral Expunges it All. "Take diz gun n shoot Twilight Sparkle wif it. If u dont den ill rap Sweetie Bell!"

B'Lood looked at me. She was there now. I looked at her and I thoguht about Sweetie bell and all the times we had do it gotether n I thoguht about B'Lood and ow her whole life had just neen sorrow and sadness. I kenw that the right thing 2 do would be 2 kill B'Lood n save Sweetie Bell but I knew that the only thing I could do was not to do. So I did it.

Instead.............................I told Sweetie Bell and Scotaloo via a series of breakdance moves 2 distract Queen Crystalis with their goffik rhetoric. "Hey Crystalis" sed Bleedaloo. "Everyfing I say is a lie. Im lying lol."

Queen Crystalis stopped rapping them. She garbed her head and screamed. "NOOOOOOO MY ONE WEAKNESS" she screamed.

"Quick everypiny" I said. "Now!!!"

Bleedaloo and Sweetie Bell took out their gunz. I took out my iPony n sent a txt message 2 Loona. Queen Crystalis transformed in2 Hilary Duff n started fighrting with carroty. Suddnely.....................Loona came!

Queen Crystalis turned back in2 lYra. "Oh hi Loona I was just teaching tehm sumfing" said Lyra.

But Loona was not cornvinced. Then Painbow Slash and Zecora came in2 da room. THey jumped on Queen Crystalize n started to rape her up wif ropes n handcuffs. "Ur going 2 go to jale" said Painbow Slash. Then Zecora hald my hoof in her hoof. "Cum on Epona letz go."

I gasped!

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When we gut back 2 da conmen room Everypiny was yhere. They all had bags n boxes 4 me to open. "OMFG" I said. "Itz muh birthday again!"

"No you stupid bitch" said Bleedaloo. "We just new dat u wouldneed some new shit 2 wear wen u went 2 da future. Da goffs of da future needed 2 no how goffik da goffs of da past were."

"Fangs" I smelled happily. We did deths tuch sin. "But wutz in da prezzntz?"

"U will c wen u open dem" said Soggy bell. "Itz a surprise."

"U can do it!" said Ditzy Doo. "Save da future from da prepz!"

"We al believe in u!" Said B'Lood!"

Zecora opened up da book dat Twarkle Sparkle used 2 go back 2 da past in da episode where she went back 2 da past. She started to read some words from it.

"It's something unpredictable

But in the end it's right

I hope you had the time of your life"

Suddenly........................da portal opened! It was made out of goffik black cloth and was covered in blood red riting dat was all Green Day lyrucs. I gasoed. "Green Day was the secret of time travel???" I screamed.

"Ya" said Bleedaloo. "Y do u fink der music is so god? Becuz dey came from da past n everyfing was better back in da past!"

Now everything made sense 2 me.

Sweetie Bell n I fancied one last tim. Den....................I took al da bagz in my hooves n den.................I jumped sexily in2 da portal!

It was really really black in da portal n I could nut c anyfing. "Hey iz dis da future!" I said. I tohot dat if it was so blak da tmeant dat Principality Somalia was ded n da sun couldn't rise ever again n dat made me happy becuz dat meant dat it would be cold n dark just like my goffik heart.

Suddenly................................B'Lood appeared! "OMFG B'Lood!" Is aid. "U came in2 da portal 2?"

B'Lood did not look vert happy even though she is goffik n never happy. But she looked loike a different not happy. "In a manner of speaking, yes," said B'Lood.

Suddenly I noticed dat B'Lood was purple n pink n not her uusal gofifk colors. N she was naked! "B'Lood! Y rent u wearing ur gofifk stuff?" I gassed. "Did da prepz bet u up n tak it 2 look gofifk?"

B'Lood gave me a dud-ur-so-retarded look. "What in the world are you - oh, whatever. Look, please, don't give me any of that. It's important that you and I put an end to this rampant delusion as expediently as possible, without feeding into it any more than you already have. So can you just... put that away and talk to me for real?" She waved her hoof at me.

I lockjed down at mah smexy red and black halter top dat was covered in Joel Madden's cement. "But dis is muh favorit shit!1" I said. "I got it at ur story in Pointyvill!"

B"Lood put her hoof on her face and mad a noise. "This is going to be more difficult than I thought."

Suddenly an idea I had! "Hay B'Lood which way is da future?"

Suddenly B'Lood grabbed me n looked in2 my eyes really hard. "This has gone far enough. My name isn't B'Lood! You're not a gothic unicorn! There is no place called 'Pointyville,' and if there were, I doubt I'd so much as live there, much less own a shop there!"

I started 2 cry and cry goffik red tears of bloody depresseion. "Y r u bean so mean 2 me B'Lood?" I whimpsered.

B'Lood's face mad elotz of differnt espressos. Den she just looked mad. Her teeth went all clenchy and sum steem came out of her earz. "I came in here to get you, because you're almost out of time," she splained. "But I can't help you unless you want to be helped. So we need to break down this delusion, and get to the real you. Otherwise, you're going. To. Die."

"I donut no wut u meen - "

"I 'meen' that you need to save yourself!" yelled Twilight Sparkle. "You need to snap out of this, Apple Bloom!"

******

Apple Bloom's eyes flew open.

She bolted upright in the hospital bed and screamed. Twilight, who had been standing beside her bed, her gently shimmering horn resting against the filly's clammy forehead, was thrown backward suddenly by an unseen force. The glow around her horn vanished as she impacted the far wall, crumpling to the floor in a daze. The attending doctor spared Twilight a worried glance, then turned back to Apple Bloom. "Pin her down," he ordered. "Nurse, administer the sedative. Put her back under."

Nurses and orderlies crowded Apple Bloom's bed, but the same force that assaulted Twilight warded them away with broad, powerful blows, battering them aside. The nurse holding the sedative was struck across the jaw; she wavered for a moment before collapsing against the nightstand. The doctor watched as a dark mist gathered over Apple Bloom's bed. It formed a pair of black lips, which curled back to reveal two rows of fangs, their tips coated in red.

"GET AYAW FRUM MI FREND" said a high, reverberating voice, issuing from the mouth. "EPPALBLAM IZ MUH BEST FREND N U WONT TAK HER AWAY FRUM MI!"

The doctor clenched his jaw. He plucked the syringe containing the sedative from the unconscious nurse. With the syringe held tightly between his teeth, he lunged at Apple Bloom.

"I SED GO AWAY!166666" said the disembodied mouth. An invisible blow struck the doctor on the back, dropping him to his knees. "GO AWAY!"

Brilliant white light shone throughout the room. The mouth seemed to shrink away from it, withdrawing into itself. The doctor looked to the source of the light. It was Twilight Sparkle, on her hooves once again, her shoulders bowed and her horn shining radiantly. A thin trickle of blood dripped from her nose. "Do it!" she snapped. "Put her back under!"

The doctor did as he was told. Uncapping the syringe, he pushed it into Apple Bloom's neck and crushed the plunger with his tongue. Apple Bloom's eyes rolled back, and she dropped against the pillow. The disembodied mouth dissolved, curling into a smile before vanishing from sight.

Twilight staggered toward Apple Bloom's bedside and slumped against the mattress. A nearby door opened, and Applejack entered, her face pale and her eyelids black and sagging. Ashamed at her failure to reach Apple Bloom, Twilight could only sigh and shake her head.

Applejack trotted to her sister's bedside. Tenderly, she reached out with a hoof and brushed her sweaty, matted red bangs out of her face. Twilight looked at her friend's red, sleepless eyes, then at the unconscious filly, who seemed deceptively peaceful in her drug-induced sleep. "Your prognosis, doctor?" asked Twilight.

The doctor chewed his lip for a moment before answering. "I'd say the situation just got complicated."

Chapter Nine

"Big Mac?"

A red-eyed and mussed Big McIntosh rose from his youngest sister's bedside and glanced over his shoulder at a similarly bedraggled Applejack. "You was supposed to get some shut-eye."

"Reckon you need it more," said Applejack. "You even gotten a wink since..."

"Could you?"

"That's besides the point, an' you know it." Applejack's hooves tapped against the floor as she trotted slowly to her brother's side. "I ain't the one tryin' ta juggle apple buckin' season with watchin' a sickly sister, without stoppin' to breathe. When you ain't workin', ya should be sleepin', but instead you come here an' stay up all dang night. I keep hopin' you'll doze off, but'cha never do."

"Sleep when I'm dead."

"Gonna be sooner, rather'n later, if you keep this up, big brother. Ya need sleep."

"You don't sleep."

"I get my twenty minutes. That's the most I can nod off without feelin' guilty." Her hooves caressed Big Mac's shoulders, and his eyelids unconsciously drooped. "I get it. I do. Yer tryin' ta be the big, brave brother, keepin' his silent, lonely vigil, but you don't have to be. Alone, that is. We're in this together. No need to go isolatin' yerself."

Big Mac snorted. "Somepony's picked up some ten-bit words."

"You should try readin' a book sometime; y'might pick some up yerself." She thumped his shoulder, and Big Mac smiled sleepily. "She ain't gonna go off an' die if you shut yer eyes for a few minutes, is all I'm tryin' ta say. An' I'm here too, y'know. We'll share this burden. S'what family does."

Big Mac curled his lower lip inward, sucking in a well-worn and thoroughly chewed piece of straw which he hadn't bothered to replace in days. "An' the orchards?"

"I just got a reply back from Braeburn. He's rallyin' a posse from Appleoosa. Another day, an' we'll have all the help we can get, 'til Apple Bloom's on the mend."

A stirring of appreciation for the talkative stallion warmed Big Mac's heart. "Nice of him."

"Like I said. S' what family does." He felt Applejack nuzzle his cheek, and smiled again. "Go home an' crash, at least 'til Braeburn an' the others arrive. You'll be better off for it, believe me."

The temptation to rest was difficult to resist, and Applejack's words carried a sound logic (he vaguely recalled using some similar logic against her at some point in the past), but there was something compelling him to stay awake. Whether it was familial duty, or a personal sense of responsibility, or simply his own masculinity, there was some intangible force willing him to stave off rest and stay with Apple Bloom throughout her entire hour of need.

Then again, he was damn tired. "The minute he gets here, I'm goin' back to work."

"As long as yer workin' with a full head o'steam, I won't badger ya none." She nudged him with her cheek one final time, and Big McIntosh pulled away from Apple Bloom's bedside, taking one final, lingering look at her. Her mane was plastered against her coat from sweat, but her face was expressionless, serene. Were it not for the steadily beeping heart monitor, the drab and sterile trappings of the hospital room, the side-table full of gifts, cards, and treats from well-wishers, he'd have sworn that she were sleeping peacefully in her own room.

So, besides all those things that say she ain't sleepin' peacefully in her own room, she looks like she's sleepin' peacefully in her own room.

Big Mac shook his head rapidly. He'd been awake too long. He lumbered through the door and pulled it shut behind himself, leaving Applejack alone with Apple Bloom.

The mare dropped to a sitting position and rested her chin on the mattress, sighing. "Hey," she said numbly. "I, uh... Twilight's been out like a light since she did her thing. Must've taken a lot out of her. I'm... sorry... that what we tried didn't work." She chewed her lip, then exhaled. "She said it was too risky t'pry in yer head, without knowin' what was ailin' y'all, but I pushed her to. I was just s'dang desperate. I don't..." She hiccuped.

I don't like sittin' here like a useless lump while yer helpless.

"This feels familiar somehow," said Applejack. "You bein' in danger, me bein' all worried sick an' frantic... I feel as if I should be mighty sore with Fluttershy, f'r some reason." She glanced at the side-table, at the sundries left behind by friends and well-wishers. There was a box of a half-dozen apple-themed cupcakes, supplied gratis by the Cakes and delivered by Pinkie Pie, who'd tied a bouquet of balloons around the box. Now half-deflated, they hung limply over Apple Bloom's bedside. Next to the box was an intricate, artsy-looking card, purchased by Cheerilee and signed by each of her classmates. Even the usually antagonistic Silver Spoon had personally sent her a gift: a fresh set of sensible work boots, shined and polished and ready for a hard day's work.

Applejack frowned. Well-meaning or no, there was something mildly tacky about that filly's present.

The one card which stood out, which sat open on the table, facing Apple Bloom's bedside, was hoof-made and studded with precious gems supplied by Rarity. The card bore a picture of Apple Bloom and her friends, Ponyville's own Cutie Mark Crusaders. Their faces, squished together, all bore the same wide, toothy grin. Given their closeness in the picture, it almost looked like one continuous smile, arcing from one face, to the next, to the next. Beneath the picture was a mouth-written message:

"Cutie Mark Crusaders Well-Wishers!

Best Friends Forever,

-Scootaloo

-Sweeetie Belle"

P.S. Sorry for tattling on you!

Applejack smiled softly. "A lot of good ponies are pullin' t'see you up an' about 'fore too long." She paused, gathering her thoughts. "Braeburn's comin' ta town. I know how much you like listenin' ta his stories. I'm sure he's gonna have a bunch, jus' fer you."

She paused again, listening to the steady sound of her sister's breathing, and the gentle beeping of the heart monitor. "An' Pinkie Pie's already plannin' a 'Back-From-Yer-Coma' Party. I'm, heh, I'm gonna try an' convince her t'change the name..."

Apple Bloom's chest rose and fell steadily.

"An' as fer me? Well..." Applejack scooted closer to Apple Bloom and moved her head closer to her pillow. "I think what I'm gonna do is jus'... jus' take the rest of the month off. Y'know? We're gonna have Braeburn and company in town, an' he's gonna insist on workin' the orchards... so maybe you an' me could just, I dunno... spend some time together. Do whatever you like. Play yer favorite games... eat yer favorite foods... maybe take a campin' trip in the woods..." She smiled at the thought of the playful young filly, at the faintly remembered trill of her laughter and her warm and friendly drawl. "Shoot, maybe we'll wind up gettin' you that cutie mark, huh? An', heck, if we're crusadin' fer cutie marks, we can't 'zactly leave out yer friends, can we? The more the merrier!"

She smiled broadly, spoke brightly, half-hoping that her bravado would rouse the sleeping filly. Apple Bloom failed to stir and respond. Applejack's smile slowly began to shrink. "Yup. Soon as yer up an' about, you an' me'll..." She paused to sniffle. "Well, we'll..."

Applejack leaned her forehead against her sister's cheek, letting the tears pooling between her eyelids drip onto Apple Bloom's coat.

"Please come back soon."

******

"Apple Bloom! Supper's on! Come an' geddit!"

"Thanks, AJ! Didja set a place for Miss Gallespie?

"Ms. Ga-who-now?"

"Miss Gallespie! She's mah new friend! Say hi, Miss Gallespie!

"Applebloom... there ain't anypony there."

"What? But she's right here, AJ! Can'tcha see her?"

"Have you been gettin' inna mah special cider, Apple Bloom? I toldja t'stay outta - now, what're y'all gigglin' about?"

"Miss Gallespie jus' said somethin' funny."

"Oh yeah? Does 'Miss Gallespie' care t'share with the rest of us?"

"Naw, it was kinda mean. Uh. Sorry."

"Jus' get inside and wash up."

"Pfft. Washin' up is f'r preps, AJ."

"...For what?"

******

"Sweetie... did you notice anything weird about Apple Bloom today?"

"You mean the twitching, the big black circles under her eyes, or the way she kept whispering to herself?"

"Uh... yes."

"I know. It's freaking me out too."

"And did you hear what she said when I talked about the new Sapphire Shores album? I've never even heard some of those words before!"

"I have. You'd be surprised how often Rarity cusses when she thinks nopony's listening. But what's a 'poser' supposed to be, anyway?"

"Cutie Mark Crusader Ponyquins?"

"...Scootaloo."

"Yeah, probably not."

******

"Thank you for coming on such short notice, Applejack. I wish we were meeting under better circumstances, but Apple Bloom's behavior in class for the past few days has been troubling."

"Now, Cheerilee, I know she can be rough to wrangle, but Apple Bloom's a good -

"I know. Normally, we wouldn't be having this conversation, but after what she did to Diamond Tiara at recess this morning - "

"Well, frankly, Cheerilee, I've always taught my sister that she's gotta stand up to bullies, or they'll never leave her alone."

"As problematic as that sentiment is, I wish it were as simple as just standing up to a bully. I have three eyewitnesses who say that Apple Bloom attacked Diamond Tiara unprovoked."

"That's a load of horseapples! Who said that?!"

"One of the witnesses was Silver Spoon. Granted, I'd take her testimony with a grain of salt where Diamond Tiara is concerned. But the other two were Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle, and they've corroborated Silver Spoon's account."

"They... she..."

"Her behavior of late was worrying enough, but physical violence? Lashing out like this? And her language - she's clearly picked up some choice terms from somepony. Most of them I know, but 'bitca'? That's new. Has something happened to Apple Bloom at home? Something that might have sparked this sudden turn for the worse?"

"Well... she's been playin' with this Ouija board she got at Pinkie Pie's yard sale last week..."

"..."

"Yeah, it sounds silly when I say it out loud."

"I'm afraid that, under the circumstances, Apple Bloom will have to face suspension for a week. I'd keep a close eye on her, Applejack."

"'Course. I... I'm sorry this happened, Cheerilee."

"So am I."

******

"It's time for bed, Apple Bloom."

"Go fuk urself u preppy fukkin fuker."

"That is enough, Apple Bloom! I've had it up to here with your smartin' off like this! What's gotten into you? I raised you better'n this, didn't I?"

"I dun got 2 lizzen 2 u! Ur jsut a prep! A pozer wif a big fat fukin preppy flank who duznt no wut GC r!"

"I said enough! Lights out an' go to sleep!"

"FUK OF!!666 I - YOU - AJ... please...!"

"Apple Bloom? Apple Bloom! What's wrong with - stop thrashin' about like that; yer gonna hurt - Bic Mac! Get up here, now!"

******

"You don't understand! Prying into her subconscious like this - it's dangerous! There's the possibility that I could scramble our brains forever by mistake!"

"She ain't gettin' better Twi, an' you heard the doctor! They's clueless 'bout what's wrong with her; all they know is it's gettin' worse in a hurry."

"If we knew more about her condition, I - maybe I could, but we're flying completely blind here!

"Twilight, if there's anypony who can do it, it's you. Please. She needs to wake up."

*****

Twilight nudged the door to Apple Bloom's hospital room. It opened with a creak, and she poked her head inside. The sight of Applejack slumped against her sister, pressing their foreheads together, made her feel like an intruder, and she nearly backed out of the room.

But the sound of the door stirred Applejack. She rubbed her eyes furiously, then looked over her shoulder at Twilight. "I shouldn't'a made y'all do that. I'm sorry."

"You were desperate. And besides, it isn't as though we got nothing out of it."

Applejack wiped her nose and cleared her throat. "What've ya got fer me?"

"Admittedly, not much." Twilight felt a hollowness as she said those words, knowing full well that Applejack was counting on her to diagnose and fix Apple Bloom's problem. "But based on the force that repelled me earlier, and my own observations, it's clear that the problem isn't psychological."

"Yer own observations?"

"In Apple Bloom's mind, I encountered... somepony else."

"Somepony else?" Applejack frowned, scrunching her nose. "Somepony besides Apple Bloom?" Her eyes narrowed. "Is its name 'Miss Gallespie?'"

"No..." Twilight thought back, straining to recall specific details about what she'd seen, but it was already beginning to blur together, the way a dream slips away after waking. "It calls itself 'Ebony', and it's very different from Apple Bloom. Different coat, different manecut. No accent, no folksy, good-natured charm. At first, I figured it was her, some fractured caricature of herself that her damaged psyche created. I waited until I found an opening, and then I tried confronting her."

"An' we both know how that turned out."

"From what I saw, it's constructed a very elaborate fantasy world, drawing upon Apple Bloom's memories of herself and the rest of us," Twilight continued. "Except the world it's created is radically different from the real world."

"Howzat?"

Twilight focused, shutting her eyes in concentration. "Most of what I got has already slipped away - the specific things, anyway - but I remember... I remember that everypony was dressed very unusually. Lots of make-up, lots of clothes that didn't really make a whole lot of sense. Emblems, logos, words and phrases that I didn't recognize. And the profanity..."

"Profanity." Applejack considered this. "Makes sense t'me. The last few days 'fore this happened, Apple Bloom'd picked up a bushel o'nasty cuss words."

"Right," Twilight nodded. "Everypony is profane, garishly dressed, and just all around unpleasant. It isn't a nice world to live in, Applejack." She trotted to Apple Bloom's bedside, glancing at the gift-laden table briefly. Seeing what Ponyville had done for their ailing child gave her a pang of guilt. She wished she'd gotten something for the filly too. When she's better, she promised herself. "I think that the entity that's possessing her is foreign to Equestria, and it's brought with it its own cultural norms and history. The world it created, I think, is a hodge-podge of our own world and whatever world it came from. It even took on the form of a pony - a very unpleasant pony - to better fit into this world. The end result is a barely coherent nightmarish hell that takes our concept of normal and imposes something completely different upon it."

"This thing possessin' her... is it like Nightmare Moon?"

"No. No, I think this is very different from what the Nightmare Moon entity did to Luna. That was a case of physical possession, taking control of the princess's body to use it for its own nefarious purposes. Nightmare Moon subdued and suppressed Luna's persona, her soul. This entity... " She placed a hoof on Applejack's cheek and tilted her head so that they were looking into each other's eyes. Gravely serious, Twilight said "I think that this creature is feeding off of Apple Bloom's soul."

Applejack's eyes dialated, and she inhaled sharply. She slumped backward, her mouth hanging open, and slowly turned to regard her sister with horror. "Feedin' off of..."

"When it broke the connection and threw me out of Apple Bloom's mind, it said 'Apple Bloom is my best friend, and you won't take her away from me.' It wants to maintain its grip over Apple Bloom. And it's plainly obvious that the longer this goes on, the weaker and weaker Apple Bloom gets. All I have is a theory, Applejack, but if I'm right..."

For a long, drawn moment, Applejack stared silently at the comatose filly in the bed. When she spoke, her voice lacked strength or emotion; it was barely above a whisper. "An' what happens after that?"

Truthfully, Twilight didn't know. Possession cases were rare, and this one was unique in her (admittedly limited) experience. "I can't be positive. The entity might assume control over her body permanently. Or she might be comatose for the rest of her natural life. Or she might just - "

"I get it," Applejack interrupted curtly. "Whatever happens, it won't be good. So how do we stop it? Can you go back into her mind, like you did before?"

"Not right away," said Twilight. "I think it's on its guard now; it can repel me if I try to go in again. We need to wait for another opening."

"But like you said," said Applejack, turning on Twilight. "We wait too long, and this thing'll chow down on her soul so much that there won't be a lick'a her left!"

"I know," said Twilight hastily, holding a hoof up, as if to ward off her friend's concerns. "It's just, I don't know enough about her condition to make any kind of educated guess as to what our next move should be." She sighed and turned away from the bed. "I'm going back to the library to root through the archives. There has to be something, somewhere, that'll clue us in. I'll send a letter to the Princess, too; if there's an evil spirit possessing one of her subjects, then she might be able to do something about it."

"Right," said Applejack. She smiled weakly. "Think she could send over the Elements of Harmony? Might do the trick."

"Honestly, Applejack?" said Twilight. She looked over her shoulder at the earth pony. "It might just come down to that."

Twilight cantered quickly out of the room, once again leaving the sisters in one another's company. "Y'hear that?" said Applejack, forcing another smile. "Twilight's gonna get the Princess on this. Ain't nothin' can stand in the way of Princess Celestia when she sets her horn to a problem."

A moment passed, and Applejack allowed her smile to fade. She traced her sister's foreleg up to her shoulder, then moved her hoof up to her forehead. Gently, she brushed Apple Bloom's sweaty, matted bangs out of her face. "Don't wanna hide yer pretty face from the world. They're all gonna wanna get a look at you, y'know. Just t'see for themselves that yer alright."

The tears threatened to spill out again, but Applejack fought them down. She set her face in a solemn scowl and took Apple Bloom's hoof in her own. "Yer gonna make it, Apple Bloom," she said somberly. "I promise you that. Yer gonna live. We're gonna get you back."

And to her amazement, Apple Bloom stirred. Hope sang in her heart as she turned her head on the pillow and faced Applejack. As her eyelids raised, Applejack felt another smile - a genuine smile - break onto her face.

But her smile died when she saw Apple Bloom's eyes. They were blue, ice blue, like limpid tears of gothic depression. Apple Bloom spoke two words before drifting back into her coma - two words, a sentence fragment, as cold as the blue of her eyes.

"Fuk of."

Chapter Ten: There Will Come Goff Rains

Arbitrary neologism: DUN CALL IT A CUM BACK

I BEEN HERE 4 YERZ

ROKKIN MAH PEERZ N PUTTIN PREPZ IN FEERZ

MAKIN DA TEERZ RAIN DOWN LIK A PALLID BLUE MON-SOON

LIZZN 2 DA BASE

GO BOOM

ASPLOSION

OVERPOWERIN

OVER DA CUMPETISHN IM TOWERIN

WREKKIN RALF WEN I DROP DESE LYRAS DAT'L MAKE U CAL DA KURDZ

DUN U DARE STAIRS

U BETTER MOOV

DUN EVER CUMPARE

ME 2 DA REST DATL AL GIT SLICKED N DICKED

CUMPETISHUN'S PAYIN DA PRIZE

IM GONG 2 ZLITZT MUH RIZTZ

MAMA SED ZLILTZT MUH RIZTZ

IM GONG 2 ZLITZT MUH RIZTZ

MAMA SED ZLITZT MUH RIZTZ

Lolz dis is da prat in da story wer I goed forwardz in tim 2 sav da future froim da prepz of da future butt wut hadppend was I went in2 a time vortex!111111 N I gut in2 da pabst instead!!! YA SUT DAS FUK UP I CAN DO WUT I WUNT 2 DO ITZ MUH STROY FUKKERZ11!!11666

So wen I gut out of da tim vertefex I locked arund. It looked like I wuz in Cuntinglot again, asept everyfing was in blak n whit n der were littl lines goin all over da place lik in dat espiode were Pinkie Pie found da donkeys n dey had do it 2gether lol remember wen da dinkey had da prat were everyfing was blak in wit datz wut im talking abot. In fact der were no wordz n only kards wif musik in dem.. It wuz plano musk!!!

Cuntalot wuz really pretty wen it wuz blak n whit der wuzz no pink or otter colorz in da world just blak n whit just like I like it. But I tohought I wuz in da future! "OMFG" I sed. "Da war is over n da goffs half one!" Accept I didn't say those words no words came out of my mouth!!! "Where are mah words??" I asked. Den I noticed dat wen I talked words came on2 a card in frunt of me. "Oh!" I said. Bcuz der wuz no words in da world, we had 2 right everyfing on cards n wen we talked da cards came out of our mouths! That's bcuz I went back in tim so far dat I was be4 words were invented! Now everyfung made cents.

I splored Cuntalot 4 a while. It wuz obnoxious 2 me dat I wuz in Pimple Cream's School 4 Gifted Unicrons, butt y wuzn't any[pony der??? Den al of a sudden.....................................she came!!! It wuz............................Princess Candice!!!

"Ebony wut r u dong?" she axed me preppily wif a preppy giggle lik dat bitch Britney Simpson in mah 4th period math class. "U need 2 go 2 klass!"

"FUK OF"! I screamed. "Im nut from da past lik u! I dun need 2 lizzn 2 u!"

Princess Candide gisped. "Well! Dat wuz so rude dat wen u atshaully r born im gong 2 rape u wif flaming dildiss!!!" N she cried away running. I wuz so happy dat she was sad. Den I went 2 class.

I sat down in my desk in the chemistry lab. Da professor in da class wuz Starsail da Breaded. "Ok class 2day we r gong 2 lern how 2 turn water in2 wine. Ebony y dont u n Psycho Mantis cum 2 da front of da class?"

I locked over at da pony Starsail da Breaded wuz talking abott. I gasped. It wasn't a pony at all. It was.....................DICKSWORD! "Tim 2 die u preppy fucking faggot!!!!" I shouted, turning on my royal canterlot voice. "FUS RO"

"Ebony wait!!!" said Dicksord. "Im not evil yet! We r in da ast, rememeber? So dis is be4 I turned in2 a bad guy!!! Im nut even named Discord yet! I'm Psycho Mantis!"

I shopped shotting at him n thought about it. Dat did make perfect cents. If I wuz in da past den it was likety dat I was so far back dat Discord wuzn't Discord yet. "Ok" I giggled suicidally. "Im sorry I nearly truned u 2 ashes."

In the next chapter of Pony Gear Solid, Snake is going to write a letter to Big Boss telling him what he's learned about the magic of espionage.

We went 2 da front of da class. Stockholm da Boarded smiled politely at me. He was a goffik red pony wif a long yellow bread on his face, but I couldn't c dat bcuz dis was be4 color wuz invented (u no lik how da kool old movies r in blak n white??? Datz bcuz dey didn't halv colorz bak den. Colorz wer infented by Martin Luther Kingfish Junior Seau lol I lerned dat in his story class). "OK Mr. Mantiz n Miss Way y dont u show us how 2 turn water into Rhine?"

I punched Discord in da kidneye so hard dat he urinated blood al over da class but datz ok becuz im goffik and u cold do dat kind of ting in da past bcuz it wuz be4 law wuz infented. "Let da profesional handle dis!" I turned on da magic in my horn n pointed it at da water. "MY CHEMICLI ROMANTICO!!!" I shouted.

Suddenly...................I feel in2 a portal. "DAT IZ NUT WUT I WANTED 2 DOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" I scremmed as I fell in2 da portal! Lockley i fell in2 mah room in da future. "Prize Satan!" I screamed happily.

Sooty Bench wuz der. She wuz prank calling da Suicide Hotline bcuz we r goffik n datz how we get our kix. "Entropy!" she shrieked. She ran at me n tackled me. We fancied. "How waz da future?"

"Lol Posh 4got wut he wuz gong 2 right in da future so I went 2 da past insted." An idea I thought. "Hey half u seen B'Lood? I feel lik shez mad at me 4 sum raisin."

Silent Bark tinkled about it 4 a sexond. "Mm no. But I no dat Bleedaloo n da otters r tunkering Queen Curstalis 4 trying 2 rap us. Want 2 go hlep?"

I did wnat 2 go hlep. But frist I needed to have a ordainment. So Simple Bore n I had do it 4 a wile. Den wen we were dun we went smexily 2 da chamber of torture. Bleedaloo n Painbow Slash were reading My Little Dashie 2 Queen Crystalis. "NOOOO PLZ" she bagged. "IF I HEAR ONE MORE MENTION OF THE 'EXPLODED TWICE' MEME I'M GOING TO SHIT MY ENTRAILS OUT OF MY ASS!!!"

"Suite up!" sed Painbow Slash. "Ur tearz taste so good!" She stuck a straw in da queen's eye n drank sum tears n a little bit of optic nerve n wen she wuz dun she had no more irisisisisisisisisisisisis." I launched at her. "Serfs u rite 4 trying to raid us." I kicked her rlly hard in da cheese n my hoof wuz so powerful dat it blew her in2 da next centaury. "Lol, so DATZ how u go in2 da future!" I squeaked enthusiastically.

"Wow Ebony" sed Bleedaloo. "U really r da goffikest hero in al of Accretia."

"Fangz" I sed putting my hoof in my chest n smiling sexily. "Fangs. I rlly am lolz."

Chapter Eleven: Deths Tuch Sin

albino pumpkin: U GAIZ RLLY NEED 2 LIZZN 2 DIS ITZ IMPOTENT!66666666666 I HERD ON DA NEWZ DAT PRESENTENT OBAMA IS GONG 2 SEND ARMIES IN2 EVERYBRONY'S HOUSS N TAKE AL DA PONIEZ AWAY FRUM DEM!66666 Its true I saw it on da internet. Lorelai Faucet has arleady bin arested n sent 2 Guacamole Bay!1111 U al need 2 hide ur poniez in ur speshul safes n under ur bedz or da garverment wil cumfiscate dem!111111

lol jk

Fangz 2 mah broniez n pegashitters 4 readin, refuelin n hlepin me 2 make dis such a gr8 story 4 goffic broniez n pegashitterz. U gaiz al rock lik Tom!111111111111111111111

6666666666666

I had alot of fun wif mah goffik peepz in da presint but I still had a doodie 2 do in da past. I sat down n finkled about how 2 get bak 2 da past. "Da only way iz 2 use da magic wordz n jump in2 da portal. But 4 sum raisin da wordz rnt working nevermore."

Sooty Bowl locked up from da do it I was having wif her. "Ebony, it isn't very romantic to muse on temporal dynamics in the middle of lovemaking."

"U WIL SPAKE WEN SPOCKEN 2 BITKA" I sed n I hammered her wif mah cutie mark (a seven-pointed ninja star wif da hedz of ashlee simpsin, billy ray jepsen, da jonses bruthas, Millie Serious n Hans Blix on it) until she shopped talking bcuz she wuz 2 buzy crying n we had do it some mor lol but datz ok bcuz we r goffik n if der r no tearz of blod during do it den itz da rong preppy kind of do it.

Suddenly....................Spock broke in2 da room. "Ebony I know dat u r havin truble gettin back 2 da past. I have cum up wif a cuntrapeshin dat kan carry u der!!!"

"OMFG" I shopped having do it immediately n left Sweetie Bell bleedin n sobbin on da flore. "Wut do I half 2 do.

Spock nodded logically. Spock wuz a alien called a Volkswagen but his planet got blowed up by da guy frum Black Hunks Down. Ever sinse dat happened he haz becum goffik n he duznt wear blue shits no more hiz shits r al blak now 2 reflex da sufferin in his heart and bowels.

"Fellate me n I will asplain everyfing" he sed. We trotted sexily down da hal n passed a room were Painbow Slash and Loona wer tutoring Crystalis. I kurd hear her scremming n scraying "NOOOO PLZZ" n I herd da soundz of a buzz saw n sum laughter. I smelled happilie.

Spock stopped in da hal n turned arund. "Ebony I wil need a sample of ur blod." He opened hiz mouth n bit me in da nick. I scremmed smexily becuz I had a originalism. "OMFG I didnt no u were a vampire 2~!!"

"Most illogical" sed Spock. He spitted my blood in2 a glans bottle. "Now 2 uzi mah incapacitation 2 turn dis blood in2 warp drive!"

War pdrive wuz a ting dat dey had in Canterlot. If u took da blood of a goff n shook it really super duper hard u cud use it 2 open a portal back in2to da past. Cock invented it. He finished shaking it in threw it on da ground. Suddenly...............der wuz a portal. "Go Ebony!" shouted Spock. "Live lung and perspire!" He did deths tuch sin.

"Dangz" I sed. Den.....in2 da portal I jumped!!!!!!!!

And in those brief moments within the portal, I lived a thousand and ten lives and deaths, for in the space between realities, time held no meaning, and reality itself was a tangible thing. I perceived the world we live in from the perspective of an observer, as though I were rifling through a book, skimming the words on its pages, tasting its content. All the possibilities of creation, every choice made, every word uttered, every fiber of reality, lay bare for my perusal. With the truth of the universe exposed before my eyes, I, at long last, understood.

den I waz bak in da past. "OMFG". I smelled happilie. I locked at da calender on da wal. It had a picture of Prezident Nixon on it, n he wuz doing deths tuch sin wif Charman Mal on top of da gr9 wall of vagina.

Suddenly Psycho Mantis apparated!!! "Ebony!!!! Itz so gud 2 c u agent! How waz da present???"

"O it wuz goin pretty good." I showed him deths tuch sin.

"Lol wutz dat?" sed Psycho Mantis in a gothic way. "Is dis how u do it?" He did deths tuch sin back. "Wow we dont have that back here. Itz so cool! Everypony is gong 2 want 2 lorax diz!"

And datz da story of were deths tuch sin came from.

6666666666

Der wuz a kwanza at Pornyvill dat knight accept it wuznt called Pingasvill yet it wuz called Hogsmead. Da consert waz beating held at Sweat Apple Akers in honor of da deth of Appling Jacks parentz, Pink Giggle n Valley Girl. Nopony licked dem bcuz back den Ponyvill wuz a much more goffik place. PSycho Mantis telled me dat he wuz da wone who moidered dem, n dat made me laugh so hard dat I shot milk out of my noise.

Be4 da consert we went 2 a movie. It wuz da ateies so da only movez day had were Star Wars, Citizen King Goes 2 Washingtown n Shipless in Seattle. Al of dem were prep moviez! "Izing der any good moviez 2 watch around here!!!"

"Well" sed Psycho Mantis. he smelled secretively. "Der iz won movie we could watch." He reached behind hiz back. I gasped. It wuz.................Withering Huts!!!

"Datz muh favorite movie!!!!" I screamed. "But how did u get it! IT wont be mad 4 another six hundred and sixty six hours!!!

"I know a pony who travelz through tim n he bringz me al da best moves n drugs from da future" sed Discord. I waz so happy I gave him a blowdrier.

We went sexily back 2 Disckword's place in put in da movie. In it a mare n a stallion were doing it and den a cereal killer came n stabed dem 2 deaf. Dey screamed n screamed butt I laughed becuz im a statonist.

"Ecuz me" sed a pony who walked in. It wuz........Discowrd's mom! She had long bright shiny red hare n a pink coat n her cutie mark wuz a picture of a lovingly committed couple gazing into each other's eyes with compassion and serenity. "Mantis who is this? Why do you keep bringint strange mares back to the house?"

"STFU" I scrambled n I jumped on her n bit her head between my jaws n ripped off her hed n kicked it out da window right into DPV111's stupid lying face WOULDN'T KILL THE TIMBEWOLVES MY BUTT. "Noooooo" she sed as she flew through the air. Her body fell down n died. Blood came out everywhere. I rolled around in it lol.

"OMFG How did uyeah do dat?" askecd Dinglehopper.

"Im a campire" I sed. "We can do prety jmuch anyfing we want."

Psycho Discord looked down al sad n depressed. "I wis I were a vampire." He started to cry so I gave him another blowdrier to shit him up n we went 2 Sweet Apple Ogres. Al da ponies were dere. And Applejack was there!

"Ladiez n gentelcolts" sed Grandma Smith from onstag. "We r gathered here 2day 2 bare witness 2 da dethz of Applejacks mom and dad, who were big prepz dat nopony licked."

Dere waz a lot of clopping.

"Now 2 celibate dis joyous oxident, here r Flem n Flan!" Flem n Flan came on2o da stage 2. "Fangz Grandma smith 4 da barn!" Suddenly................. Flem grabbed Grandma Smith n broke her neck! Den.........Flan grabbed da barn. "Cum on brother, letz get out of her!11'

I gasped. "Npo! Wifout dat barn Applejack will turn in2 a prep! I must stop diz!" I jumped sexily in fornt of dem. "Flem and Flan leave this place! Go 2 da countrysides n remain frendz of Ebony!"

Flem n Flan laughed. Dey armed demselves wif preppy pink Lucille Ball blunderbusses (since dis was da eighties n Lucy Bell wuz popular back den instead of Hannah Montana n also shitguns werent invented until 1999) . And den...............dey shot me at da same tim!

I gasped!

Chapter Twelve

Somepony - Granny Smith, perhaps, or one of the myriad well-wishers that lingered in the waiting room, chomping at the bit for news about the bedridden filly - had brought Applejack dinner while she was asleep, leaving it on the room's beside table for her when she awoke. She hadn't asked for a meal; she hadn't a trace of an appetite in near a week, so the hay fries and black bean burger sat cold and untouched, filling the room with the smell of stale fried food. Her mouth had been too dry to pass up a good drink, though, so Applejack sipped listlessly from the twelve ounces of apple juice that had come with her order, part of her wishing that it were hard cider instead.

Apple Bloom hadn't stirred once since her brief lapse into consciousness hours before. She continued breathing steadily and rhythmically, but said and did nothing more. That may have been for the best, Applejack realized, given the thing that was using Apple Bloom's body at the moment. And the thought that her sister's persistent comatose state was a net positive made her blood churn and curdle.

Weeks of worrying over Apple Bloom's rebellious behavior; days of wondering whether Apple Bloom would ever regain consciousness; hours of impatiently counting down the minutes until Twilight returned with a solution... Time no longer seemed to pass normally to Applejack, though. Weeks, days, hours - they may as well have been years. Felt like years, even. And after all that time had passed, Applejack felt helpless, like a marionette, dancing to the rhythmic demands of a sadistic puppeteer, too exhausted to keep going, yet damned to keep on keeping on.

And thirsty. She felt very, very thirsty. She sipped from her juice again.

A sudden gust of wind filled the room, tossing her untouched meal against the wall and flinging her juice onto the floor. The wind was accompanied by a high-pitched whine and a flash of bluish light. Applejack shielded her eyes with a hoof, successfully protecting them from the worst of the light. The wind ruffled the bedsheets and the curtains at Apple Bloom's window and tossed Applejack's hat from her head. At first, Applejack thought that Ebony was active again, and she nearly shouted for the doctor to sedate her. But when she groped blindly at Apple Bloom's beside with her free hoof, she felt her lying still in her bed, and gradually, the gust cleared without the filly stirring once.

When Applejack lowered her hoof from her eyes and turned around, she saw Twilight Sparkle standing in the room, accompanied by no less than Princess Luna herself. Applejack's heart skipped, and a most Rarity-like thought crossed her mind: I look an' probably smell like hell; ain't no way to greet a Princess.

Well, she might look like death warmed over and refried, but the least she could do was remember her courtesies. Applejack started to bow, but Luna held up a hoof and shook her head. "That will not be necessary. I am here as a friend this evening, not as a Princess." She glanced at the mess that Applejack's meal had made on the wall and winced. "The kind of friend who storms uninvited and unnanounced into somepony else's home and makes an utter ruin of their supper plans, that is."

Applejack shook her head. "Weren't hungry anyway."

"All the same," said Luna, "remind me later that the crown owes you a meal, and the palace kitchens shall be at your disposal. But let us attend to business first." She nodded at the unicorn beside her. "Celestia received Twilight Sparkle's letter and forwarded it to me. She felt that it would be more..." Luna paused as she fished for the right word. "Appropriate if I handled this situation instead of her."

"Because o'how y'all were Nightmare Moon that one time?" asked Applejack.

For reasons Applejack couldn't place, Luna blushed luminescently. "Er... not... quite." She coughed a most artificial cough to signal a change in subject. "Twilight has already explained the situation in detail to me, but there are a few things on which I would like some clarification from you." She looked Applejack in the eye and fidgeted nervously. "Apparently, Apple Bloom mistakenly made contact with this 'Ebony' via a... ahem... Ouija board?" She sounded almost ashamed.

Applejack nodded. "Yes ma'am. Got it at Pinkie Pie's yard sale a couple weeks back with her allowance."

"And where, pray tell, did Pinkie Pie get it?"

"When I asked her, she said it came out of a big ol' black trunk with a heavy black lock clamped over it that she found in her Granny Pie's old attic when she went back home t'visit," said Applejack. "There was a buncha other stuff in there too, weirder than the board: a creepy talkin' one-eyed gorilla doll with a bandanna that talked backward an' made barfin' noises when you tugged on the pullstring, a sealed jar o'jelly with 'Lord Smooze's Godly Flesh' writ in red ink, a typewriter that jots down whatever anypony says in fron' of it, a rainbow-patterned rod that kinda looked like a co - "

"Yes, thank you," Luna interrupted hastily. "This trunk, was it labeled with anything? Any warnings about containing dark artifacts or black magics? Perhaps something like 'Blackest Arts Within Are Stow'd'?"

"Pinkie didn't say." Applejack frowned, growing suspicious at Luna's behavior. "That's an awfully specific recollection though. You, uh... know somethin' about this?"

Luna groaned and facehoofed. "Oh, yes. To my utter shame. Mother above, Celestia swore up and down that she destroyed that centuries ago..." She lowered her hoof and met Applejack's gaze again, looking thoroughly abashed. "The Ouija board is mine. As are the other items Pinkie found inside. They are ancient artifacts of black magic which I owned as a filly, at an age when I was much younger and much sillier and much more prone to immature acts of rebellion."

Applejack's jaw dropped. Twilight, for her part, had levitated out a pencil and a notepad, and was furiously jotting down notes at the descriptions of Luna's childhood menagerie of demonic playthings. "Beggin' your pardon, Princess, for speakin' outta turn, but you... owned a Ouija board that could summon dark spirits from the nether parts o'the universe? As a toy? When y'all was a teenager?! 'Cuz I'm jus' a simple country pony, an' where I come from, stuff like that's a little outside the norm, iffin' you catch my drift!"

Luna looked down at the linoleum floor and pawed at it bashfully. "I was going through a phase... and at any rate, I grew out of it eventually. I packed my childish things away in my old toy chest, slapped a melodramatic warning sign upon it, and had it shipped to Canterlot for storage. I inquired after it when I was released from Nightmare Moon's grip, but Celestia told me she had the chest sent away and destroyed. How the Pie family ended up with it, I have not the faintest idea." She sighed. "I apologize profusely, my friend. That I should cause someone so dear do you so much pain without realizing..."

Applejack shook her head. "Not a thing to apologize for, Princess. Y'all couldn't'a known. I'm sorry if I came across as harsh. Jus'... not quite what I was expectin' to hear, is all."

Luna smiled gratefully. "Truth be told, I always felt like the Ouija board was a flop, as far as black arts toys are concerned. Not once did I ever successfully make contact with anything more heinous than mischievous poltergeists that made profane remarks about my mother's promiscuity. That it could summon something so hate-filled and powerful is almost unfathomable." She trotted to Apple Bloom's bedside, lowered her horn to the filly's forehead, and closed her eyes in concentration. "Yes, I feel it. Powerful, hate-filled... prone to erratic outbursts and sexually reckless behavior. And it is burrowed deep inside Apple Bloom's soul." She looked at her two friends. "We must needs act quickly."

"Act how?" asked Twilight. "I told you; I already tried a mind-bridging spell. All it did was make Ebony angry."

"Indeed," said Luna. "But only after you made direct contact with the possessing entity. That was your mistake." She beckoned the two other ponies closer, and they edged toward Apple Bloom's bedside. "We do need to take action," said Luna, "but our approach must be different. I propose that I cast a mind-bridging spell between the four of us - that we all enter Apple Bloom's mind, and that we disguise ourselves as participants in this profane, gothic nightmare realm. We act out roles in this Ebony's fantasy, and try to steer events toward a conclusion that will, hopefully, weaken her hold on Apple Bloom sufficiently to wrench the filly away from the fiend, and return her to the void from whence she came." She paused. "Return the fiend to the void, that is, not Apple Bloom. I realize that was semantically ambiguous."

Twilight bit her lip nervously. "I don't know, Princess Luna. What if we fail? Is it possible that this Ebony will consume our souls as well? That we'll all share in Apple Bloom's fate, our conscious minds forever subsumed beneath this pale, blood-spattered foundation of faux-gothic horror?"

Luna frowned. "Well, when you put it that way..."

"Let it try," said Applejack firmly, locking a resolute gaze upon Twilight. "Let it jus' try an' take my soul. Y'all can sit this one out, Twilight, an' I won't think less o'you, but I'm goin' in there. An' if it tries to swallow my soul, I aim to make the bucker choke on it."

Twilight smiled. "I'm not gonna bother trying to top that speech. But I'm in."

Impressed with Applejack's mettle, Luna bowed her head and closed her eyes. "Come closer now, my friends, and steel yourselves" she said. "The experience might be a little... rough."

Applejack bowed her head beside Apple Bloom's and shut her eyes tightly. She felt a warmth around her head as Luna's magic enveloped her, and felt the room around her slip away. You hang on tight, little sister, she thought. I'mma comin' for you.

Chapter Thirteen: In Which The Beaten Dog Bites Back

I woke up suicidally in a black lace coffin dat was pink with black lace. Inside the coffin it wuz red vulvet n covered in red lace dat made it lock lik da coffin wuz cryin tearz of b'lood. I gothed. "OMFG iz dis Hell? Am I in da blak parade?" I started chewin on muh riztz to zlitzt dem n den da crimson regret flowed down mi pallid white goffick coat. I did nut die!!1111166666666. "Im ded!" I cheerileed. I started to cry n cry bcuz I wuz happy I wuz ded.

"No ebony, thou art not dead!" said a croon voice dat wuz preppy. I gothed a gin. It wuz...............................DICKSWORD!!!! He did nut look lik a goff anymore he wuz bak 2 lookin lik hiz regalar preppy self.

"I gived u mah favborite pink shitgone 2 kill Twilight Spargle n u did nut kill her yet!!!" Den he started to cry preppily but in like a goffik way.

"OMG dont cry Discord!!!!" I scremmed. I started to curdle him. Den...........................................da doorz opened n al mah frendz came in. And Applingjack wuz der too! But B'Lood n Princess Nightmare Moon were nut.

"Ebony r u ok?????" sed Bleedaloo huggin me. We fancied. Den I fancied wif Sweet Bowls bcuz she iz muh marefrend n Bleedaloo started to cry blood of tears. DISCORD DISAPEARED.

"Ya lol, I gut shot in da past," I giggled sadly. "Dat must be y I came back in2 da future, bcuz u cannot die in da past if u r from da future."

Everypony nooded accept for Applejerk bcuz she looked cuntfused. lol wut a dum prep.

"But im glad ur okay Epony!" sed FLem and Flam apologizingly. "We r srry dat we shot u wif preppy pink Lucille Ball blunderbusses."

"Butt at least u saved Sweet Apple Acorns frum gettin da barn stoled bi Flem an Flam!" sed Big Mack. He had a rlly big u-no-wut. "Now we donut haf 2 liv in da sewerz wif C.H.U.Ds Dey alwayz try 2 steal Applejake's hat. She iz so glad dat dey r gun, rite Apallingjack?"

Everypint glothed at Applejoke n she locked nervouz. She guggled. "Er, uh... yeah. Them... them thar preps sure did... uh... boondoggle mah spaghetti, I tell you hwat." She did lik a hoof wav in da air. "Go goths... yay..."

I laffed at her. "Applejack u r suck a dumb poney" n I punched her in da nose wif mah sexy goffik hoof but datz ok becuz we goffs need 2 keep our pimp hoovez stro

APPLEJAC HIT ME BAC OMFG. "What the hay was that for?! Keep yer hooves to yerself, you - " den she stupped bcuz al mah frens were lockin at her wif owls on der faces. "Uh, I mean..." Applejump smelled nervouzly.

"Applejack" whuspered Snipes.

"Dat wuz so..." thinspod Snailz

"SO GOFFIK OMFG!!!!!!" scremmed and scramed Rampage. She hugged Applejape. "DAT WUZ SO KEWL!!!! I KNEW U WERE A REEL GOFF JUS LIK ME!!!"

"Let's not say nothin' we can't take back, now," mathered APplejack.

"HEY EVERYPONY" sed Painbow Slash. "LETZ HAVE A GOFFIK PARTEE 2 CELIBATE DAT APPLEJAC IS A REEL GOFF!!!66666666"

Dey al picked up Applejook n put her on der backz. Applejim locked unhappily. "LETZ LIZZEN 2 GC N KUT OURSELVES666666666" sed Zecora sexily. Den dey went TRAITORINGLY away chinting Applejack's nam.

Da only 1s who sayed wit me were Bleedaloo n Sweetie Bagel. "Dont worry Ebony" sed Sweetie Belkl. "We still luv u."

We al had a tree way fancy. "Wel dis haz ben fun butt I m needed in da past" I lurched. I tock oot Dicksowrd's preppy pink shotgon n started to eat it.

"OMG EBONY NOOOOO" sed Bleedaloo.

"Fuk off6666!!!! U dont want me 2 comment soup or salad??? Bleedaloo r u a PREP???" I said Sweetie Belle said.

"No lol butt if u uze a prep gun den u will go 2 heaven insted of back 2 da past" said Sweetaloo knowledablingly.

"Ohhhhh." dat made cents. So I scrammed for Shining Ambrose. He wuz sweeping up da floor wif his broomstiuck. "HEY SHITTING ARMOR" I SEd wif mah royal Cantalot Voice. "I BET UI CANT KILL ME WIF DAT BROOMSTICK"

"I h9 goffs" prepped Shane Arnold. He picked up his brom n brommed me over da hed wif da bromine until I waz deed. Den.........................I DANUBED bak in tim!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The past tim wuz a lot lik I rememberd it wif blak an white colorz n talkin cardz n suddenly....................der was Discord accept he was still called Psycho Mantis in dis tim!!!!!66666666 He wuz wearing a blak goffik horn stickin out of his blood red hair n had a red hat on his shoulder n a blak leather straightjackson (if u dont get it massage me ill tell u).

"Hi Psycho Mantis!!!666666" I said witha penis. "How wuz da rest of da consert?"

"Lol it went even better wit al da blod on da stage n da dance floor (GEDDIT LIK DA SONG???) from wen u gut shot. How r u dong?"

I told him al abot how Applejerk gut al da attenshin away frum me n he sighed gothically suicidally. "Dat sux Ebony. I fink I will steal Applefat's barn n frame Flem and Flan 4 it lol. Dat will show Applejack 4 bein a pozer."

"Fangs." We fancied. Den.......................a hot guy walked by!!666666 He had spikey blonde hair dat wuz dyed black n big hornz sticking out of hiz hed. His skin wuz red and his butt was like a horse but his top half wuz a peepole. "Who dat?" I sed while massaging his esophagus with my tongue.

"Datz Tirek" sed Discord. "Butt since dis iz da past we al jus call him Lesmiserable." He looked at me badly. "Lesmiserable came 2 da school wif his brother Scorpinok. Dey had goffik powerz gifted 2 dem by goffik wizards frum Andromeda. But den Scorpinkock fell in luv wif a fukkin prep named Spoilt Rich n dey ran off 2 have a baby 2gether n her name is Diamond Tiara. Tirek changed hiz name 2 Lesmiserable n he used 2 be mah stallionfrend."

Suddenly I wuz startin 2 realize dat Discord wuz only evil bcuz he gut his hearth borken. "I no wut 2 do66666" I grabed Tirek n started fancying passively wif him. Tirek started 2 fancy me bak. Den he put hiz rainbow rod on Dicksword's glock n dey started having organelles.

Suddenly...................................................................."MIZ WAY WUT IZ DA MEENING OF DIS U PROMISCUOUS RAPSCALLION" Princess Candace n Princiuple Celestia were der!!!!!!!!!!!

I gasped.

Far in the future, on a paradoxically snowy and rainy day, in a tacky Hot Topic affiliate in what passed for Ponyville, Twilight Sparkle stood in front of a mirror. She turned side to side as she examining her new self, hoping she'd find an angle where she looked good. Alas, all for naught.

Her purple coat was a deeper shade than normal, and it clashed with the colors of her new mane and tail. The purple pattern and lone pink stripe she was so fond of were replaced with bright white hair with a long lock of red slashing through it. Her clothes were garish too: ripped pink fishnets on all four legs that itched and chafed horribly, a black T-shirt advertising something called "Good Charlotte" and a ripped leather miniskirt that said "Goffik Pone" on the rump. "People don't seriously wear this stuff, do they?" she muttered to herself.

It occurred to Twilight that she hadn't yet seen what her cutie mark was in this reality - it had been covered by the skirt all day. She lifted the hem of her skirt, curious, but dropped it back down when she saw what it was. "Skirt is good thing! Skirt cover cutie mark; is goodly to cover cutie mark!" She giggled hysterically.

There was a knock at the door. Twilight, breathing deeply, trotted to it, peered through the peep hole, and opened it with a relieved sigh. "Thank goodness it's you two. I was starting to worry that I was the only one of us who made it here intact." She frowned as she looked over Applejack. "Although maybe 'intact' isn't the word to use."

"Yeah, you ain't the picture o'normalcy yerself, sugarcube," grumbled Applejack as she stepped inside, shaking off the rain and snow. The farm pony was decked out in similar garb to Twilight: a ripped, red and black leather dress with a brooch that looked like an apple, and a hat that looked like it had been sewn from tanned pony hide. Her cutie mark, rather than three apples, was a geometric paradox that whispered promises of eternal life to those who pledged fealty to the Abyssal Lord of Naught. Princess Luna followed close behind - curiously, she looked completely unchanged.

She noticed Twilight staring and smiled. "Apparently, my appearance is already considered 'gothic' by the possessing entity, because she didn't see fit to change or embellish any part of me," she said. "I'm sorry you weren't so fortunate."

"Yeah, me too," Twilight grumbled. "How are things over on your end in Canterlot?"

"About as good as you look," said Applejack.

"Yes, I look ridiculous, thank you very much," said Twilight. "I would never have picked up on that without your keen observational skills, you super sleuth you."

Applejack sighed. "I'm sorry, Twi. I'm a mite edgy right now. It's been a long day." She flopped down in the middle of the room with an oof. "I got a crowd o'ponies who look like ponies I know, 'cept all dressed up like clowns, callin' me names like 'Applinghook' and 'Applejim' and 'Applejerk' - I don't even know what my real name is 'round these parts. An' shoot, take a look at this!" She waved her hooves in the air to show off the bandages she'd wound around them. "I jus' got back from somethin' called a 'group cuttin' session.' Pretty much what it says on the tin, if you're wonderin'. I wanted to beg outta it, but I couldn't without them thinkin' I was a 'prep' an' throwin' bricks at me!"

"And I had to sit in an office for six hours while my morbidly obese sister shoveled cake into her mouth - with a literal shovel - and yelled lewd observations at me," said Luna. "I mean, I won't say she's never done that before, but only ever under the influence of absinthe." She considered Twilight again. "And as for yourself?"

Twilight covered her face with her hooves and moaned. "Lyra came in to buy a pair of binoculars. She said the last pair she bought broke and demanded I comp her. We haggled for five minutes until she called me a 'mediocre dunce' and ran away without paying!" She threw her hooves up in the air. "And at least six customers tried to grope my rump as they shopped for belt buckles and mane dye." She groaned and fell onto her back. "I hate this place and I wish I was dead."

Applejack chuckled hollowly. "See, now yer gettin' into the spirit o'things."

Luna knelt beside Twilight and smiled kindly. "I realize it's frustrating, Twilight. To be honest, I'm quite put off by everything in here myself. But I beg of you, be patient. We must continue to act well our parts - the possessing entity must be none the wiser."

"I know..." Twilight picked herself up off the floor and brushed suspicious red dust off her tacky Good Charlotte concert shirt. "I realize what's at stake, and I'll do my part. I can tolerate some bad fashion and groping and criminally bad grammar if it means saving Apple Bloom."

"Shucks." Applejack tipped her hat at Twilight with a small, grateful smile. "Comin' from you, that means a lot."

Luna patted Twilight sympathetically. "I'm afraid we can't stay long. Even in this world, I have my duties as Princess of the Night to attend to. Although they appear to be very different than in reality. Much more hiding in trees." She looked at Applejack. "And your absence will be noted if you're away for too long."

"Yeah, yeah," said Applejack. "'Sides, I wanna make sure I can keep an eye on that Ebony - wanna be there when she comes back from the past." She shook her head at Twilight's befuddled expression. "Don't ask."

"Right. Forgetting now." Twilight's magic caught the door and pulled it open. Applejack smiled and nodded at her friend and made her way outside.

"Remember, Twilight," said Luna before following Applejack out. "Maintain a discreet profile, continue to live your life as your counterpart would, and do not act overtly to challenge or undermine the possessing entity. We must be subtle - stealthy - and find less explicit ways to undermine her if we are to save Apple Bloom. We'll meet again when the time comes. Until then, just have faith."

Twilight nodded. "Agreed. Look after yourselves."

"You as well." With one last smile of farewell, Luna and Applejack vanished in a swirl of starlight, leaving Twilight alone to contend with a garishly decorated shop, customers with foul dispositions who couldn't keep their hooves to themselves, and a cutie mark shaped like something not discussed in polite company.

Twilight decided to skip sending Princess Celestia a friendship report for this one.