A Neanderthal in Equestria

by Piquo Pie

Rating: everyone
Tags: Slice of Life, Human, Twilight Sparkle, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Spike
Length: 1137

When Harry the Neanderthal randomly appears in Equestria, he must convince the ponies to return him home before his soul is forfeit. Innitially failed modertion due to a lack of the human tag... so I added a human tag even though there are no humans.

When Harry the Neanderthal randomly appears in Equestria, he must convince the ponies to return him home before his soul is forfeit.

A joke on the 2013 April fools joke, link, where no new human fics would be accepted by fimfiction.

(There are no humans in this fic. The tag was added because the story innitially failed modertion due to a lack of the human tag... so I added a human tag because enough mentions warents the human tag. Thank Mystic for the clarification.)

Published 2013-04-01 15:50:02 UTC
Last updated 2013-04-01 15:50:02 UTC

Of The Good King and Pourk

With a satisfied groan Twilight Sparkle finished her morning stretches before tucking in the sheets to her bed with a carefull nip. Nice and Taut, just as she liked it, not a wrinkle, dent, or mound to be found.

With a yawn she began to descend the stairs only to stop as her nose found the tantalizing aroma of freshly brewed breakfast tea. Resuming her decent, with a smile, Twilight had almost made it to the kitchen when loud report echoed off the sturdy front doors.

“Coming,” replied the sound of a young dragon from the kitchen. “Oh, hey Twilight, there’s a pot of tea waiting on the counter. “I’ll get the door.”

Twilight stopped Spike with a wing as he passed. “Thanks Spike, for remembering how hard this time of year can be.”

“Aw shucks Twilight, it’s just one day without magic, no big deal.”

As they parted Twilight couldn’t help but smile. Spike was right, one day without unicorn magic wasn’t going to harm her. With a careful bite, Twilight picked up the kettle and moved to poor it into a mug already lain out at the nearby table.

“Uh, Twilight, I think there’s something here to see you.”

“WOHN MINITE,” called Twilight.

As soon as Twilight reentered the front room she froze. Standing before her was a rather tall bipedal ape covered in hair from head to toe with the exception of its face, palms, and feet.

“Oh thank Celestia. Twilight Sparkle I need your help,” began the beast before it rushed to Twilight, causing her to recoil in fear only to have it throw itself at her feet. “I need your help. I must return to my world before I corrupt yours. Help me Twilight Sparkle, you’re my only hope.”

A few silent moments, in which Twilight proceeded to take several calculated steps away from the groveling beast, were interrupted as Spike came to stand in front of Twilight. “Hold on a minute, you can’t just come rushing in here making demands of Princess Twilight Sparkle.”

“I can’t?” asked the biped with a touch of confusion.

“Spike it’s okay.” Said Twilight regaining her composure.

“I’m sorry, umm…” Twilight stopped as she put a hoof to her chin. “I don’t actually know how to address you, or what you are for that matter.”

“Oh, that is simple. My name is Harry and I am a male neanderthal,” replied Harry.

“Ah… I don’t think I have ever heard of neanderthals before. Sorry Harry.” Apologized Twilight.

“You haven’t?” replied Harry quizzically. “Well, what about humans?”

“Humans?" questioned Twilight as she thought. "You mean the ancient mythical creatures said to control the entire universe with their imaginations?” asked Twilight.

Spike looked on, between his Princess and the bowing shaggy creature, with trepidation.

“Um, they would look like me but with less hair and cloths,” replied Harry.

“I think that sounds about right?”

“Well, neanderthals are basically humans but less conceited. This is actually a good segway into why I need your help. You see. Three hundred years ago Humans ruled our planet, Earth, and revered Equestria as a place of happiness and tolerance toward others. They created music, epics, and art in honor of ponykind and the elements of harmony. But one day mankind, that’s what humans liked to call themselves, began to overstep their bounds. The epics and art they made began to depict themselves in Equestria. It was called humanization.

The Good King, who was the god of the humans, tolerated this as long as humans understood that such a thing was part of their imaginations and that they could not actually travel to Equestria. But one day about a hundred years ago The Good King decided that he had grown tired of his subjects and his duties.

After years and years of working with mankind he decided to pass the majority of his duties to his love, Pourk. Pourk did not take so kindly to mankind’s humanization. Some say Pourk felt it was a threat to the stability of Equestria and that it polluted the image of your paradise. But Pourk only ever said that maintaining such thoughts were not for the betterment of mankind. When outrage broke out Pourk banished mankind, allowing the existing works to remain as a warning to my kind about mankind and their failings to respect ponies. We were then raised up to replace the worship of Equestria, which we do happily as we follow the great adventures of you and your friends, but we vowed to never become to rash and brazen as mankind.

And now… here I am. I’m not supposed to be here. It is against the will of Pourk and if I do not return I fear my soul might be banned from heaven for going against his word.”

Twilight blinked slowly as her brain soaked up the information like a sponge. “That sounds terrible. Pourk sounds like a horrible tyrant, banishing a whole race of creatures from existence.”

Pourk shook his head before responding. “Neanderthals were neglected and abused under the humans. We were lucky if we were only used as crude humor in jokes and commercials. Pourk gave us the same respect and existence that The Good King granted the humans. Pourk may have been in power for less than a hundred years, but Pourk has done nothing else negative and Pourk gave mankind a fair chance. It is a shame they squandered it.”

“Still, banishing a whole race? Where did he even banish them too?”

“I do not know Twilight Sparkle. I only know that I must return home.”

Twilight sighed. “Unfortunately I need more information. Like, how did you get here, for instance.”

Harry hid his face in his hands. “My people have a tradition when we reach adulthood. We call it the cinnamon challenge. We take a large spoonful of cinnamon and have to eat it all at once… I sneezed. No neanderthal has ever sneezed before. It felt like dryness and lightning coursed through me, and in a flash I was standing outside Ponyville. Even if I return I must wait another year for adulthood. I failed my test.”

“Well. It’s April Foals Day. On April Foals Day magic has a tendency to behave a bit odd. I’m afraid we can’t return you until tomarrow.”

With a dejected look, Harry sank onto his back legs and cried out in pain and torment, eerily similar to Spikes draconic cries.

Author's Note

Done in about an hour as a last minute idea for April Fools.

Innitially failed modertion due to a lack of the human tag... so I added a human tag despite the lack of their being no humans in the fic. I laughed.

Got the name Pourk from ancestry.com.