Canterlot Nobles

by Isseus

Rating: mature
Tags: Random, Pinkie Pie, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark
Length: 1728

Pinkie has a great show planned for the next Summer Sun Celebration

My version of Aristocrats. It's vile. Don't read it.

Warning: Triggers aplenty.

Published 2013-04-01 18:20:02 UTC
Last updated 2013-04-01 18:20:02 UTC

Chapter 1

Summer Sun Celebration was once more on the way. This time it would be held in Ponyville again, because the last time it really didn't go quite as planned and all the preparations went to waste.

The order was given that all ponies in Ponyville could apply in person for their plans on how to entertain the visitors and dignitaries alike. One of those ponies was, naturally, the party pony extraordinaire, Pinkie Pie. The following took place in Mayor Mare's office on the application day.

"NEXT!" the shout carried from the half-open door of the office. Mayor Mare sounded stressed, as was her status quo. In a pink bouncy bubbly flurry, Pinkie Pie entered, sliding on her knees and firing confetti from her dual hand held dispensers. She was already wearing a party hat.

"I was waiting for you to show up, Miss Pinkie Pie," The Mayor said in exasperation.

"I have the bestest plan ever to entertain folks in the Ponyville, and I've asked several other ponies to help me with the show."

"Well..." Mayor Mare leaned back on her chair and prepared her body. "Let's hear it.

"Okay, the show will take place on a great big field with the audience seated in a semi-circle on raised dais. We're going to need loads of room for the cannon. Or cannons. I've actually made several different varieties of party cannons. They're all loaded with different stuff so ponies won't know what's going to happen. So first off all, I'll be on center stage with a top hat, a red silk cape and a strap on dildo. I'll be making love to a rabbit all throughout the show, but don't worry, the rabbit will be dead and rotten. I'll be surrounded by a cadre of dancing mares dressed in Appleloosan fashion, and we perform an opening dance act together.

"Then we'll have the band come in playing the Equestrian national anthem with armpit farts, knuckle-cracks and falling toilet seat covers. They'll be accompanied by the Ponyville Elementary Castrate Choir. We're gelding them as we speak. So they'll be singing the anthem while we hang them over a firepit and their burning flesh will make them scream and sing ever louder. I promised them they'd survive if they finished before getting burned alive. Whether they do or not, we'll dump them into a giant tank full of toxic snails that will slowly crawl over them and melt their skin off while a dozen of their classmates piss on them from above.

"We reveal a life-sized statue of Princess Celestia and Princess Luna while a bowl of viagra is distributed to all the stallions in the audience. The statues are actually the real Princesses, but they've been filled to the brim with muscle relaxants and are held up with the copper paint alone. And the sixty metal spikes. So then we start filling them with candy from the asses, until their stomachs are bulging at three times the size. Meanwhile, all the fillies in the Elementary School are dragging the fleshless bodies of their schoolmates out of the tank and start masturbating with their skeletal remains. We serve strong alcoholic drinks to the audience that has pieces of Rarity inside, because we blew her up to make the drink.

"Next the ground opens up, and shows us the Cutie Mark Crusaders tied to a metal net that we then run a million volts through. They have different coloured lights in all their orifices (and several that we made into them) that will flash in a rainbow of colours. We've also painted skulls on their flanks so they get their Cutie Marks in being live X-Ray pictures. Applejack will be proudly cheering them on with pompoms made from seagulls.

"The Great And Powerful Trixie will recite a poem about figs as we cut all of her four hooves off and replace them with rockets and fire them all at the same time and she tries to fly through several burning hoops. While this is going on Big Mac, Braeburn, Spike, Pony Joe, Ronald McDonald and a whale will do a gay train around the field. We used superglue on their penises, and the whale is rabid, so they need to hurry.

"So it turns out the drinks we served to the audience were actually strong laxatives, so they will be now defecating all over themselves, and we reveal that they're are actually seated on a grill above Fluttershy, who is tied down with a funnel in her mouth, and she has to swallow all the diarhorrea that is flowing down onto her. We show her struggling to swallow the liquid shit on a 2000 inch screen on the other side of the field. We also crucify Lyra and Bon Bon, cut out their eyes and replaces them with muffins. We then let Derpy Hooves eat the muffins, but they are actually made from C4 and the three ponies die in three beautiful little pops, and their blood will squirt from their open necks, which we let some timberwolves lick up.

"I'm not yet sure if we can make it happen on time, but we are trying to forcibly inpregnate a dozen or so teenage ponies so we can rip out their unborn fetuses and use them as ammo for our miniature catapults as the mothers of the unborn children try to hit the still twitching corpses of the Cutie Mark Crusaders. The winner will get to live, but the catapult is rigged so they all die. We tell this to them before we give them the catapults, so the audience can watch their despair. When they eventually fail, we pile them in a mass grave and bury them alive under dead cockroaches. The cockroaches will not be enough to crush them though, and they'll desperately try to claw their way out of the pit.

"Granny Smith has promised to do the next part of the show. She will be raped by eleven Diamond Dogs, and once they are finished, she will attemp to blow cum-balloons with pussyfarts from her crinkly old crotch. She then relaxes with a daiquiri on a hospital stretcher that we slowly push through a circular saw. A host of Canterlot Guard accompany the ritual with impressions of various jungle animals. When Granny Smith is cut in half, they proceed to dress her up in a Nazi uniform and keep heiling him until the end of the show.

"Now we fire the party cannons that are filled with rock salt, caltrops and acid and piss, and me, along with Twilight Sparkle will try to catch as much of of the flak with our mouths. We won't probably die, but we'll squirm in pain in front of the audience as we slowly bleed out from dozens of tiny cuts and acid burns. This part of the act goes on for at least an hour. Twilight will cast a spell on us that won't let us die or pass out in pain. After an hour, a muscular pegasus stallion puts on a spiked cockring and rapes us from behind shouting 'YEAAAAAHHH'. His mother is there to cheer him on, dressed in a tight latex girdle and a halter. He rapes her next, but this time more gently, as if fucking a little foal. He nibbles her ears and tickles her, and even hooves her clit, making her moan. We suspend them over the audience, and as the show continues, the old mare's vaginal fluids sprinkle down onto the audience in tasty salty droplets. It might be a hot day outside, so they need their salts.

"While this is going on, we've put a little side-show up for the kiddies. We've got Derpy's legs stuck in concrete and drilled several holes into her sides which the little colts can use to perform various sexual acts with and show their masculinity to the fillies. But don't worry! We've also gotten Lyra's buried neck deep in the same concrete, so the fillies can insert her horn in any of their holes as well. To smother the two mare's screams, we've put caulc in their mouths. And eyes.

"But here's the kicker! Zecora has secretly been doing a voudoun ritual and sacrificed a dozen black cocks and resurrected the remains of the colts, and they suddenly start raping the fillies that were masturbating with their bones earlier. When the fillies die from internal bleeding, Zecora resurrects them as well and they keep fucking. The audience is welcomed to join. She also resurrects the millions of cockroaches in the mass grave that start eating the trapped ponies below, and the dead Granny Smith will begin to heil back.

"Now the Princesses have been filled with candy and they're about to burst. We drive a meat hook into their chins and suspend them up in the air. I expect a last-ditch effort by the few Royal Guard who are still loyal to the Princesses and not enjoying the show to try and save the princesses. We've filled the sides of the field with punji sticks, glass, razor wire and landmines, and their attempts at rescuing the Princesses will give a nice ambience for the next part. The stallions that have been eating the viagra will use their penises as bats and try to blow open the Princess Pinyatas, and when they do, they get to eat their intestine-covered candy. DJ Pon-3 has promised to play some deep wubstep on her bass cannon that has been covered with a griffon's flayed skin.

"The whole show ends with us carting one and a half tonnes of manure from Sweet Apple Acres in the middle of the field, and Rainbow Dash will dive into it from orbit, performing a Sonic Shitboom that will coat the surviving members of the audience in shit. But here's the kicker, the pile of manure also contains all the elderly folk from the old folks home in Ponyville, who will all be simultaneously executed and their organs and fake teeth will fall all over the countryside."

For the longest time, the Mayor just sits in silence. Finally, she manages, "That's one hell of an act, Miss Pinkie Pie. What do you call it?"

"Canterlot Nobles."

Author's Note

This a little apology for the April Foal's joke I pulled earlier.