There I stood, no idea if what had just happened was a crazy dream, or all the gods of fortune smiling on me at once. My lips tingled, my stomach flipped overtop itself, and my heart had lodged itself in my throat. The world had stopped for all I knew. If only it had stopped a few seconds earlier, with Twilight in my arms...

Click My front door opened. "Twilight?" I called, hoping to find her at the door as I ran to the entryway. Luna stood at the door, looking slightly confused and wearing a light blue flower in her mane next to her usual dark blue crown. "Hey Luna, any idea where Twi' might FFFT off to?" I asked, trying to gesticulate teleportation.

"Um..."

I turned around to grab my coat out of habit, and realized I was still wearing it. Patting myself down I found the overdue book was still in my jacket pocket. "Ah, to the library then. If she isn't there then surely Spike will know where to find her."

I was being given an unusually wide berth as I hastily made my way towards Golden Oaks Library at a fast pace with Luna following shortly behind. "Um, Hoyt. I actually came today to speak with you, not Twilight," she said, keeping in stride to stay alongside me.

"Ah, about the telephone business?" I asked idly, turning my head only enough so as to see her and be heard while not tripping over anypony.

"Um, no. I actually came to court," she said.

"Oh, good thing we're going to Twilight then," I said, still keeping my brisk pace as my boots crunched through the snow.

"Hoyt, that's not what I meant. I meant I came to court you."

"Worried about foals staying up late on the phone lines? I thought they were still sorting out the switchboards?"

"Ugh, what is the modern term for courtship?"

I stopped at the door of the library that I hoped held Twilight and knocked three times. "It's called 'dating' these days," I said.

"Right, well I've come-"

The door of the library opened and Spike blurted, "Just come in man, we're still open," interrupting the princess.

"Is Twilight here?" I asked rather urgently.

"I think she popped into her room a while ago, everything alright?" the dragon asked.

"I, uh, yeah, here's a book to check in," I replied, tossing the manuscript to him and stepping to the stairs. "Hey Rarity," I said to the white mare as I passed her on the first floor and continued up the stairs.

Knocking on the door to Twilight's room I called, "Hey, Twi, it's me. Wanna talk?"

Silence was my only answer.

Knocking again I said, "Twilight, it's Hoyt, can we please talk?"

Finally an answer came, "I'm sorry!" Her voice sounded strained.

"What the hell for?" I asked. "I'm the one that moved!"

Silence.

"Please Twilight, let me make this right to you! Anything you want, it's yours! Ya just gotta ask me, please," I said to the shut door.

zhhvip I heard Luna's magic charging, and turned just in time to see her and Rarity pop as they disappeared from the lobby. Pop came the sound again from behind Twilight's bedroom door as they must have reappeared inside. I tried the doorknob but even as I did more of Luna's magic sounded off and nothing would budge in the direction of letting me enter, or even hear what transpired within.

For a while I stood at the door, hat pressed to my chest and waiting for an answer. "Hey man, got some coffee down here, may as well wait comfortably," Spike said from down the stairs. I waited a moment more before descending to the first floor and joining the young dragon at Twilight's dinner table. The dragon always could brew a mean batch of coffee, suitable to sooth all but the worst of worries, which I had the misfortunate presence of.

I was staring at my half empty mug when Spike finally asked, "So what's all the fuss about? This isn't like you or anypony upstairs... I don't get it."

"Well I may have..." My words failed me. "Twilight..." I sighed in frustration. "Cadance sent me some cologne, which I tried on before going to the Cakes' and then after lunch Twilight came to my place to see the books Cady sent and... we... kissed. But it was only a peck! Then Twilight FFFT! off like a shot!"

"You've got to be friggin' kidding me," he said with a palm to his head.

"And then, after I don't know how long, Luna showed up and followed me here while asking about..." Realization hit me like a ton of lead.

"Wait, so... Luna too?" he asked.

"Oh no, no no no. I don't want to turn her down but I kinda have to now, what with kissing Twilight and all... Fuck me," I said, dropping my head onto the table. "Ow."

"No thanks," Spike said. "And what do you mean 'turn her down'? Are you nuts?! If Princess Luna asks you out, you go! Why wouldn't- Ya know what? I'm gonna get some popcorn."

Crunch, crunch. Spike had been eating popcorn for five minutes or so while I contemplated what the sentence may be for assaulting the royal lips of Equestria's youngest princess. 'Might be that kinetic delivery moon mission,' I thought as the clock ticked the time away. I sat up and grabbed a handful of Spike's popcorn. I almost ate a piece before I saw the green shimmering dust on it and dumped it all back in the bowl. "I hate waiting like this," I said while the dragon laughed at the success of his anti-theft snack. My thoughts turned now to Luna, 'What, for want of a kiss, might have become?' And Rarity, 'Oh, she's probably livid with my ass right now.'

"Wow, when you get mopey, you go pro," Spike commented. "Lighten up, it's not as bad as you're thinking it is."

I gave him the most deadpan look I could muster and said, "Not bad? I kissed a princess, not just any princess but Twilight who is also among the best friends I've ever had, and I did so without invitation. Add to that that I then shirked Princess Luna, and my situation can only possibly equate to a grade-a clusterfuck."

Spike sighed and grabbed a pen and paper from a nearby desk and sat down to write. After a moment he rolled the paper up and sent it away in a puff of smoke. "I'm not going to get through to you, but maybe they can, alright?" he said upon seeing my abundant confusion.

Luna's magic sounded lightly from up the stairs, and the door could be heard to open. As hoofsteps were heard descending the stairs, I stood and slowly paced to the main room where I saw three blushing ponies. "Are you sure we can't get a marieur?" Rarity asked Luna and Twilight.

"I tried to find one before leaving Canterlot, but none would dare," Luna said.

"Oh, right, because of... yeah, nopony in their right mind would encroach that turf," Rarity concluded.

"Girls, he's standing right there," said a furiously blushing Twilight.

"So what exactly is a 'marieur'?" I asked, completely in the dark regarding their meaning.

"Hey Spike?" Twilight called past me to the dining room.

"Not for a thousand pounds of diamonds," he replied flatly.

"Damn," all three mares said together.

"Tell ya what, Hoyt, you just go home, read that book, and we'll um, talk tomorrow!" Twilight said almost mechanically with a forced smile plastered on her face while she levitated me to the front doorstep and closed the door behind me.

Needless to say, I had no idea whatsoever of what had just happened. I looked around, there weren't many ponies walking about, and those that were mostly didn't give me a second glance, they were all used to me by now. I looked back at the door, as if it would yield an answer. Turning back towards the town I started walking back towards my house, moving on auto-pilot as I tried to sort out what had happened in the library. As I walked a familiar butter yellow pegasus came up alongside me, not saying anything but following along as her hooves touched the snow so lightly they could barely be heard. We walked along in companionable silence until we arrived at my house and she let herself in through the door I'd left open.

"Can I ask what's wrong?" We were sitting at the dinner table, and had been for a while as I stared at the book in front of me, unsure of what to feel. When we came in I had went to the kitchen, grabbed a glass and poured some wine into it, taking a minute to look at Twilight's cutie mark on the label before putting it back in the rack with the cork replaced. Then I pulled it back out and poured a half glass for Fluttershy, replaced it again to its spot and sat at the table, giving the one glass to my guest as I did so. After some minutes passed in silence she asked her question.

I took another small sip and sighed, what exactly was wrong? "I'm actually not quite sure myself, to be honest."

"Well it must be something, it's just not like you to be taking so long walking around in the snow," she said, her voice soothing. "Does it maybe involve that cologne you're wearing? Or that book perhaps? You've been staring at it for a really long time now..."

"Yeah, I think both are factors, but somehow I'm not actually sure anything is wrong. I just don't rightly know how to respond I guess," I said, partly to her and partly thinking to myself.

"So... What happened? Maybe I can help."

And so I told her everything that had happened, from Twilight noticing the cologne and wanting to see the accompanying books, to the kiss, the walk to the library and what Luna had said, the talk at the library to the wait, second talk and my eviction by Twilight. "And when they came down, she seemed embarrassed, blushing a bit, but there was no hurt to her features. I am- I am at a loss, I have no idea what is going on, and no clue what marieur means."

Fluttershy was blushing a bit, but silent in thought before she said, "So, you say you're ready to start considering... dating? And relationships? And you're absolutely sure about this?" I didn't have to think about the answer, I simply nodded yes. "Can I see that book for a second?" I slid the text across to her. She opened it and turned a couple of pages, stopping at the table of contents when her blush overtook her face and her eyes went wide as she exclaimed, "Oh my! Um, you may want to leave this book unread, at least until your second date or so..." She closed the book and pushed it back. "The title is a bit um, misleading. That should be an 'M' there where the 'D' is."

"Ugh, I'm sorry about that 'Shy, I really should have anticipated it," I said, running a hand down my face, feeling embarrassed myself for not having foreseen Cadance sending me another book to the same vein as that 'Ka-Mare-Sutra' she had given me before. I grabbed the book and set it to the side to be placed in the same unused upstairs dresser that held the other book and several magazines with lewd illustrations on covers I hadn't bothered to open. "Well at least the quarterly is safe to go throu-" I stopped as I opened the other book's cover to find a picture that would very nearly, if not fully, qualify as pornography; the picture was taken from above and in the foreground was a light purple Pegasus with blue hair, laying on her back with her wings and hind legs spread wide, her left forehoof between her thighs as her other hoof pulled a toffee unicorn mare with fiery red hair deep into a kiss as she lay underneath the pegasus, the unicorn's right forehoof was on the top mare's lower belly, as the other would seem to have been stroking at an outstretched wing. Acting without orders my left index finger dragged the photo out of the book for closer inspection.

Pomf! The sound barely registered until I had noted exactly where each hoof was with interest. Looking up I saw Fluttershy half standing on the table, almost drooling at the picture with her wings almost completely vertical. "Um, mind if I use your bathroom?"

"Second door on the right," I said, nodding towards the hallway, almost shocked by her question. A yellow and pink blur zipped down the hall, and slammed the door to the downstairs bathroom, followed shortly by the sound of a running faucet. It took me a moment to realize what had just happened, but it was somehow comforting to know that something this afternoon could happen and not leave me clueless to the details. "Maybe Shining has a little more dignity."

Opening the second box, I found my answer; No. Ten magazines, all pornographic and ranging from the more tasteful 'PlayColt' (along with its sister mag 'PlayMare', which featured stallions) through the less tasteful 'Filly Fooler' (also accompanied by its counterpart, 'Colt Cuddler') to the anything goes 'Buck Wild' which wore a simple black cover with the name in pink and a yellow note at the bottom advertising "Now With Stick-Resistant Pages!" Even still I took each in turn and flexed it from the binding to check for tell-tale signs. Thankfully they were all clean, technically speaking, any violators would be immediately thrown in the fireplace. "What the god-double-damnit Shining. I will get you for 'PlayMare' and 'Colt Cuddler' you nasty bitch. I wonder if these have a catalogue in the back like those from home?"

I actually almost started to open 'Horse-in Around' but hesitated. 'What's the problem? I've seen shitloads of porn before, and now there is a whole new WORLD of pony porn to explore. But why can't I bring myself to open it? I could see if they have one of those rubber cock extensions, order it in Shining's name and have it sent to the palace in revenge for the gay mags. Or better yet order it in Cadance's name, that'd be fantastic!' "Um, Hoyt? You're making that face again..." Fluttershy said, interrupting my plotting of Shining's humiliation.

"So this makes twice now you've caught me plotting evil over a pile of porn, doesn't it?" I asked, and she nodded knowingly. "Cadance's letter says Shining threw these in... not sure if I believe her, seeing the selection included. Yet again, no real surprise in all actuality. Except that apparently ponies can be as sexually deviant as humans."

"Well, maybe they're just wanting you to see what's out there. Maybe you'll see something you didn't know you liked," she offered with a shrug.

"Shy, there has never, in all my life been a question as to which gender I prefer."

"Um, maybe it's so you can get an idea of what a mare that likes stallions would be looking for?"

"That, or maybe it's to embarrass and tease me for not shacking up with anypony yet," I said, smirking at the pegasus as she tried to make it sound like a nice thing that I had no less than three magazines of stallion exclusive porn on my dinner table. "And 'Colt Cuddler' doesn't look to me like it was printed for mares at all."

"I, I might know somepony who would like those. I mean, if you don't want them..." This had my eye brow trying to meet my hairline. "N- not me, I swear!"

"I already know that 'PlayColt' is more your flavor."

Despite her face blushing as furiously as possible, a tiny bit of a smile tugged at her lips while she gave an almost imperceptible nod.

"Alright, here ya go," I said, pushing over the three gay mags as well as 'Buck Wild'. "I don't even want to know what is in that one."

"Oh, that one is mostly articles, interviews and impossible stories. But the pictures are generally of quality that makes up for how few there are."

"Take it then, I might even open the cover on one of these later," I said, rolling my eyes.

"Oh, Okay, thanks, Hoyt. I'll go talk with the girls, see what's up on that end, Okay?"

"Heh, alright, thanks Shy." A thought came to mind of an unanswered question, "Hey Shy? What in the world does marieur actually mean?"

"Hehe, um, Okaygottagothanksbye!" Woosh!SLAM! Just like that she was gone.

"Okay then, where the hell is that dictionary..."

All three of my personal dictionaries failed to shed light on the word's meaning, as did half an hour spent around town asking everypony I knew who spoke a second language. At least I had found it to be "Prench" upon talking to Bon Appetite, but he refused to reveal its meaning. He even turned down fifty bits. Someone didn't want me to know, and was doing a damn good job of preventing me from finding out, so I accepted defeat and returned home, to a pile of smut, a book apparently describing smut, and a technical quarterly laced with smut. Every fifth or sixth page of the quarterly stood a little apart from the next, indicating there was a photo album not to cleverly hidden within.

I decided to go ahead and read 'A Stallion's Guide to Dating' and started to pour another glass of wine before I remembered a very different bottle and got out a tall glass. "No better time than now to try out the finest 'Hoof Crafted' Porter," I said to myself as I eased the cork out gently to avoid damaging the walls. As the beautiful black liquid filled the glass I couldn't help but marvel at its coffee brown head and flowery-fruity aroma. I made a note to thank Shining, and if he turned out responsible for the magazines, then punch him.

Dating, A Stallion's Guide,

A complete referential guide to courtship practices
specially compiled for the uninformed stallion.

Author;
Love Song

Translations (From various sources);
Adamant Will (The Manual of Minotaur Love Practices)
Marcelle Fleetfeather (Griffonian Courtship Instructional)

Illustrations cited throughout and in Appendix

"Huh, so is this really a dating guide for stallions, or rather, 'How One Bestowed With Hands Might Please a Mare'?" I asked the empty room. I closed the book, placed it and the others that had come with it in the box and proceeded up the stairs to my room and my comfy desk chair. I set the box on the desk and almost sat down before I heard a small snore come from my bed. I turned and there across the middle of my bed lay Rainbow Dash with her legs folded under herself, and wings at her sides. 'Now how many times have I told her not to use my bed for her midday naps? Her own isn't but a stone's throw from here! Hmm, which wakeup technique to use; ass slap, wing tickle, wet willy or ride 'em cowboy? No, can't do 'ride 'em' because this time my head might not miss the ceiling beam. Dammit, I need to stop thinking so mean and just dump her in the guest bed. Good thing she doesn't weigh much.'

Carefully I slid my right arm under her front, and reached over to grab her back ankles underneath her with my left. She squirmed a little but after a moment I lifted and carried her across the hall to the less expensive bed in the spare room and placed her square in the middle of it, where she began to snore just a touch louder. Heh, almost cute you little bed thief... Ooh, idea! You're still not getting off THAT easily.' An evil smile fell upon my face as I carefully grabbed the blanket and rolled her up tight like a pony burrito that would be at least a little difficult to escape. "Sleep tight," I whispered as I tiptoed back to my room.

I was just done with the introduction of what I'd decided to call 'How to Please a Mare' when the noise started. "Hmph, hey, what the-" Ruffle, flop, flumf, FLOP! came the sound that signaled the awakening of a certain pesky pony in the other room. "Ow... What gives? Let me out you jerk!"

Stepping back into the room I saw that Rainbow had only managed to make her predicament worse with all the struggling, and fell off the bed. "That's not how you say 'Sorry I snuck into your house'. Nor is it how you say 'Please let me out, I won't do it again'," I said, leaning against the doorframe and crossing my arms. Honestly it took some effort not to laugh at the blue head poking out the end of the tan blanket.

"It's not my fault you have one of the comfyest beds in Ponyville and left your door open," she refuted.

"You would have opened a window otherwise, and let yourself in. Now tell me, why is it you like my bed more than your own, when yours is made of cloud fluff and only a couple hundred yards away?"

"Grrr, are you gonna let me out or not?"

"Are you going to apologize and pinkie promise not to do this again?"

"Ugh, fine! I'm sorry," she said, wiggling about a little more.

"Aaand?"

"Rrrrr! And I promise not to come into your house and nap on your bed! Now shut up and get me out of this!" she yelled.

"Okay, I guess that will have to do... Roll right and you're good," I said, walking back to my reading.

"What?"

"Roll, to, your, right," I said as I sat down.

Thwump thwump thwump. "Ha!" came Rainbow's cheer of triumph.

"In here Dash."

Her steps were slow and dragged on the floor. "What?" she asked, having arrived at the door to my room, looking a little dejected.

"Why my bed? You're free to use the guest bed anytime you please and I've said as much before. So, why do you steal away into mine? And yes I know it was you before, on a few occasions, since nopony else in town can leave your variety of hair colors behind."

She stammered for a second then hung her head. "I, I don't think of you like that, but there is something about the way your bed smells... I sleep easier on it," she admitted, sounding almost ashamed.

"Okay," I said, and walked over to my laundry hamper. After digging around for a moment I found a shirt I had worn two days prior, the look Dash gave me as I approached with the shirt was priceless. "Here, if it's just my smell then put this under your pillow, and you should be sleeping like a baby in your own bed without messing up my sheets. If that doesn't work, then you might try getting the same laundry detergent that I use," I said, laying the shirt across her withers.

"Um, are you really sure about this?" she asked, warily eyeing the blue shirt. "Would seem kinda creepy to me."

"Well, creepy or not, if it works it works, and won't you be needing good rest for Winter Wrap Up?" She nodded slowly in response. "Then It's worth a try to be sure of getting that done, right?" I asked as I sat back down.

"Well, okay, but you know I'm not-"

"Mac, Caramel, Golden, Doctor, Minty, shit, even Snowflake for crying out loud," I said, quickly shooting down her usual claim.

She stared at me slackjawed for a moment before anger and confusion started to have a battle for dominance. "What? I, you, what?" she stammered, unable to respond properly.

"Rainbow, it's okay. I really have no idea why you keep trying to assert that you're gay when you're not. Nor are you straight, as I've also seen you ogle at more than a few mares about town as well, and Lyra was eager to share way more detail than I cared to hear," I explained, having gotten tired of her stubbornness on the matter. "What's wrong with swinging both ways?"

"What's wrong with- Do you seriously not get it?" she asked, incredulous glare fixed on me.

"Liking mares is fine, liking stallions is fine, why would there be a problem with liking both?"

Rainbow stared at me as if in shock, that or as if I'd just said the dumbest thing in history. "All your reading, how much has been on relationships?" she said, not expecting an answer.

Looking at the open book in front of me, I realized it held little if any information about actual relationships. The table of contents indicated that pretty plainly with chapter one being a brief introduction, and all the following chapters being about how a griffon or minotaur could be intimate with one of the pony types. Cadance may have thought her pen name clever, I found it rather ham-fisted, given her own name and writing style making it obvious that this book was purpose written for me. I had read nothing on relationships, but Dash's objection was the first evidence I had seen of a difference between this and my own world, other than seemingly whatever loving you could get was completely socially acceptable here.

"That's what I thought... Thanks for the shirt," she said, her voice downcast. "Heh, boy are you gonna be surprised. See ya day after tomorrow, I guess." I listened as she left, Dash's mood proving somehow contagious. 'What am I missing? Dash isn't one to get herself down like that. And just what is supposed to surprise me?' I sat in silence, still utterly confused and sipping at my beer. A glance out the window revealed it was getting to be late afternoon.

Author's Note

Tada!

Seriously, I can't think of much to say here, but it really hits the fan next time, so stay tuned.

as always, thanks go to Sneaky, go check his stuff out, especially The Flank War, hilarious shit there.