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                       Japanese dub                        
                      -by bendelsohn-                      
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                Twilight wa kawaii desu ne!                
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Twilight wa kawaii desu ne!
My Little Pony: Nihongo wa kawaii (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:・ﾟ✧
“Uwah! What a beautiful day it is today!” said Twilight (トワイライト スパークル) kawaiily as she left her library for the morning, to noone in particular. “I hope that senpai notices me today!”
Today was supposed to be a big day for Twilight. She was finally going to ask out the coolest boy in town, Big Macintosh (ビグ マキンとシュ)! She was very excited and her heart had been going doki doki for the entire day. She had had a crush on him since elementary school. He had only ever spoken to her once, but it was enough to make her fall unconditionally in love with him. She had been bullied in school, and one day Big Mac had stood up for her. She had never thought about another stallion since then, which was approximately eight years. In other words, she was pretty fucking desperate to get some hot apple ass by now. But today was the day, and she was ready.
Of course, that wasn’t to say that she was just going to go and ask first thing in the morning. There were things that had to be done, and Big Mac probably wouldn’t be in the best of moods anyways. She would buy some chocolates, and then ask Rarity for any last minute tips. Then she would go down to the apple residence in her kawaiiest clothes, and sweep Big Mac off his hooves. First things first, she was off to Sugarcube Corner.
Twilight entered the small shop with a smile.
“Hello, Pinkie Pie (ピンキーパイ)!”
“いらっしゃいませ! ぶかけが好きですか?”
“That’s right, I’m here to buy some chocolate for Big Macintosh.”
“あ,すごい！あなたはビグマキントシュをファックしたいですか？”
“That’s right. I’ve liked him ever since we were little.” Twilight blushed a little. “I want to make this special.”
“そうですね。私はビグマキントシュは大きいチンチンがもってらしい! がんばるよ!”
“Alright, I’ll take 2 cupcakes then. Thank you!”
“敗者失せろ!”
Twilight paid for the cupcakes and was then on her way.
“I have no idea what the fuck Pinkie Pie even talks about anymore.” She thought to herself. “Oh well, next up is Rarity’s house!”
Twilight’s kawaii seifuku skirt fluttered in the wind as she walked through the calm streets of Ponyville. Since it was Spring, the petals of sakura blossoms floated down to the Earth around her. It was oddly serene, almost as if the scene had been specifically arranged by some unknown force to make an ironic joke regarding common cliche imagery used in animations from a foreign country she had never heard of. She wasn’t quite sure why she had just thought of that, but she decided to ignore it and proceed to her destination.
Several minute’s later, Twilight arrived at Rarity’s (レリティ) house. A bell sounded as she opened the door. Rarity came to greet her.
“Ah, Twilight-san! How good to see you! How may I help you?”
“Hey Rarity-san! I need your help with something.”
“Ah, you need a dress? Some new clothes?”
“Actually...’ Twilight leaned closer to Rarity. ‘I need some advice asking out a boy.” She blushed a bit, being the kawaii little pony she was. Rarity gave a knowing smile.
“Aaaaa, haha, so that’s what you’re here for? Well, you came to the right place. It just so happens that boys ask me out all the time. I’ve learned how they think, and what they like. I’ve even learned how to turn them on if that’s what you need.” Rarity said seductively. Twilight nodded several times. She levitated a notepad and pencil out from her saddlebags.
“Firstly, you must always be as kawaii as possible.” Twilight began scribbling notes down furiously. “No boy will ever love you is you do not do this. This means blushing as much as possible, and say ugu if it’s even halfway down appropriate street. Make bento for him every lunch. Niggas love the bento. Finally, blatantly offer him sex the minute he says yes. This shows your commitment to him, as well as showing how not co-dependent you are. Any questions?”
“What do I do if he says no?”
“Fuck some sense into him.”
Twilight scribbled the last of her notes down. “Thanks Rarity! I’ll be on my way then!”
“Not at all dear! But if I may ask, who exactly are you planning to ask out?”
“Big Macintosh!”
Rarity gave a cold, blank stare to Twilight. “B-Big Macintosh you say?”
“Yep! I’ve been waiting to ask him out ever since we were kids!”
“W-well that’s a bit of a problem. You see... I like Big Mac too.”
Twilight returned the stare. “So...”
“So...”
“Does this mean we have too...”
“Fight to the death?”
“I think it does.”
“Well shit.”
Rarity suddenly drew an implausibly large katana from seemingly nowhere. She pointed it at Twilight’s neck. “I will destroy you in the name of Big Mac’s love!”
Twilight’s horn was encased in magic. An ethereal purple katana came into existence, levitating by her side. “Then duel me! The stronger fighter shall have him for herself!”
The battle they proceeded to have was extremely over the top and pointlessly drawn out. It was characterized by lots of shouting, bright colors, many explosions, and an overall ridiculous tone. It was of course, punctuated with occasional bouts of melodrama and shallow character development, but these moments scarcely served to further the purposes of this fan made work of fiction. Bright flashing colored explosions, lots of name calling, and unfitting fast-paced dance music filled the rest of the night.
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Twilight’s battled scarred body lay unmoving on the ground, not far from Rarity’s. Their coats were stained with each other’s blood. They remained there for several minutes, the silence only broken by their quiet breathing. Finally, Twilight opened her mouth to speak.
“Hey, Rarity.” She spoke in a pained, quiet voice.
“Yes... Twilight?” Rarity responded in much the same way.
“You know what’s-” She let out a hacking cough. “-What’s funny about this?”
“What?”
“HEALING SPELLS MUTHAFUCKAH!” A magical aura surrounded Twilight. Her wounds began to close, bruises and cuts disappearing from her body. “ELEMENT OF MAGIC, WHAT UP BITCH?”
“Twilight you cocksucking faggot get over here and heal me right now.”
“Hah, see you in MacVille bitch!” Twilight walked into the sunrise confidently, leaving Rarity immobilized. It had been a good day. Now, armed with the knowledge of men and the strength of a warrior, she walked forth to meet her destiny- and conquer the senpai.
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It had been three days since the great battle with Rarity. Twilight had encountered many obstacles in her travels, leading to much pointless and relatively simplistic internal conflict which will not be mentioned again and was overall pretty unimportant. Now, her destination approached. She cast a cleaning spell on her kawaii seifuku. She would need to be looking her best for this. Her heart began to go doki doki again. She approached the door and knocked on it several times. It was answered by Big Mac
“Howdy, Twilight. Whad’re ya doin’ here?”
Twilight began to blush. “Hello, Big Macintosh! I just came to talk for a bit.”
Big Macintosh looked confused by this. “Well, okay then... whad’ya want to talk about?”
“Big Mac, we’ve known each other for a pretty long time, right?”
“Eeyup.”
“And you remember the time you stood up to those baka colts who were bullying me, right?”
“Eeyup.”
“Well, I’ve been thinking a lot about that ever since it happened eight years ago.”
“Have ya even tried to talk ta me afterward?”
“Well no, but, u.. ugu!” Twilight blushed again.
“Uh, twahlaght, is there uh, somethin’ ya wanted ta tell me?”
It was time. Twilight presented the mildly crushed cupcake from her saddlebag to Big Mac. “Big Macintosh-sama, I’ve had a huge crush on you since elementary school! Please go out with me senpai!”   
Big Mac suddenly and abruptly looked very serious. “Twilight-san...”
“Big Mac-sama...”
“Twilight-san...”
“Big Mac-sama...”
“Twilight-san...”
“Big Mac-sama!”
“Twilight-san!”
“I love you Big Mac-sama! Please go out with me!” Twilight closed her eyes when she said this in the most kawaii way she could manage.
“Twilight-san, I am very sorry for this. I cannot go out with you. I hope you can understand.”
Tears began to well up in Twilight’s eyes. “B-but... then you don’t love me? Can’t you feel this pain in my kokoro that I have for you?”
“Please understand Twilight, I do love you. I have loved you since the moment I saw you, but I was just too shy to talk to you! There is another reason.”
“Well then why? Is it that you don’t think I’ll be good in bed? I’ll fuck that notion right out of you if that’s what you think, I promise!”
“No Twilight... I cannot go out with you, because I am really...
...A MAGICAL GIRL!”
Loud electronic music seemed to fill the world, as the space behind Big mac filled with hearts and colors. The most kawaii blue uniform that Twilight had ever seen wrapped itself around him, radiating what felt like the very essence of kawaii itself. Twilight looked on in awe.
“I-it’s so... so incredibly kawaii!”
“NOW DO YOU SEE TWILIGHT? THIS INCREDIBLE POWER BESTOWED UPON MY BEING IS A BLESSING AND A CURSE! I HAVE POWER. MORE POWER THAN YOU COULD EVER HOPE OR DREAM OF CONTROLLING. YET ITS PRICE IS TERRIBLE, FOR I MUST REMAIN ALONE FOR THE REST OF MY DAYS. DO YOU NOT SEE NOW, OH GREAT MAGE TWILIGHT? DO YOU NOT FEEL MY GRAND BURDEN AND STRUGGLE? THIS IS THE LIFE OF A MAHOU SHOJOU. SUFFERING. LONELINESS. ETERNITY. FOR WHAT? A SEA OF RESTRAINT WHICH BINDS MY VERY SOUL TO THIS PLACE! THIS IS MY HELL, MY ETERNAL PUNISHMENT TO BEAR!”
Twilight looked at him blankly. “Ew internal conflict, gay.”
“Yeah sorry that was pretty stupid. You wanna go have sex now?”
“Hell fuckin yeah I’ve been waiting for you to say that for eight goddam years.”
And then they had the kawaiiest sex that the world had ever known.
Author's Note
Amusingly enough, I actually do speak a fair bit of Japanese, so I'm not a crazy otaku. I'm not even really an Otaku. I just thought this shit was kinda funny. Updates to The Larson Rebellion are coming soon. Later.
Also, good gravy, this failed moderation twice. If there are two things wrong, then say them both next time!