Snowflake's Chance In Hell

by Isseus

Rating: teen
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Other, Flitter and Cloudchaser, Comedy, Adventure, Bulk Biceps
Length: 4775

Snowflake And Cloudchaser go save Featherweight from the forces of Evil

"They've got your little brother."

Those are the words that begin Snowflake's testosterone-filled rampage through Equestria to the gates of Tartarus... and beyond. Only with his cousins, Cloudchaser and Flitter, do they have any chance of rescuing Featherweight from the forces of Evil.

Published 2013-04-28 21:50:02 UTC
Last updated 2013-04-28 21:50:02 UTC

Buckboxer

ILLEGAL GAMBLING JOINT – SOMEWHERE IN LOONDON UNDERGROUND

The white stallion could hardly see five feet in front of him from all the smoke. He took a deep breath, allowing the burning taste to tickle his nostrils. It was a cheap griffon brand. The birds couldn't do real tobacco, so they smoked something akin to sawdust wrapped in toilet paper. That was not the case with the two-inch thick cigar he had in his mouth. It had been lovingly rolled between the thighs of a cute young filly on a small commaneist island on the other side of the world. You could practically taste the sweetness of her underpaid sweat and drug habit on every intake.

The common folk who wanted to spend their petty cash were restricted to the main floor, whereas the VIP tables waited for the high rollers on the second floor. Snowflake straightened the suit jacket straining over his massive bulk and approached the griffon standing watch over the stairs leading up. He looked down on the bird from high above, which seemed to cause severe discomfort for the predator. Griffons usually out-sized and out-muscled every pony they came in contact with, so having to look up at the massive mountain of meat made the bouncer take a step back.

"Don't go starting anything, friend," the griffon said as he inflated his chest feathers to look more intimidating. When the pony wasn't impressed, the bird stepped mere inches from his muzzle and gave him the best I-am-a-berserk-eagle-lion-thing-stare possible. "I've got my eye on you."

"Yeah." Snowflake's words blew a thick cloud of smoke on the bird's face, which reduced him into a coughing wreck and he waved for the pony to go upstairs. With the guard taken care of, the stallion climbed the stairs and stopped at the top to view the scene. Ponies and griffons alike were shouting, shoving each other, or just lounging around on the massive sofas. Everyone was drinking as much alcohol as they could while still having some bits left to throw on the half a dozen gambling tables. Two mares with too much makeup and too little flesh under their skin circled around with their tails held high, serving drinks to the high rollers with empty smiles. A lone donkey immigrant with a white cap was pushing a mop and a bucket to the toilet.

Snowflake's teeth made a deep dent in his cigar, but he pressed on to the nearest craps table. It was the most successful table this evening, along with the bar counter. A large crowd had gathered around it, shouting from glee or the numb feeling of having just lost more money than they had. They soon gave way to him, though it was not as if they had a choice in the matter. He dropped a dozen bits on the table next to other similar piles and the griffon dealing the table pushed the pair of dice to him. Snowflake grinned and stretched his shoulders, hearing the thin fabric on his bulging back finally give up and rip. A young mare in the blackjackass table next to them swooned at the sight and a waiter soon arrived to administer first aid for testosterone poisoning by proxy. Snowflake didn't give his jacket a second thought, having gone through several of them that week already. He picked up the dice instead and tossed them up a few times before catching them again. He could easily tell the crooks running the joint had rigged the dice with metal cores. With the same wide grin still on his face, he took a long draw from his cigar and threw the dice onto the table. They came up snake eyes.

"Seems like the dice aren't your friends today, big fella," the dealer said as he raked in the bits.

Snowflake leaned towards the griffon and smiled even wider, revealing two rows of majestic teeth yellowed by his steady diet of caffeine and nicotine.

"Friendship... OR MAGNET?!" he shouted and flipped the table over onto the bird. The room became a chaotic maelstrom of gamblers trying to grab back their bets, guards shouting at each other to do something, ponies running around in blind panic, and the jukebox switching to the next song: "Feeling So Good Today" by Bit Williams.

Snowflake turned around, still grinning, and was met with a furious ball of claws, feathers, and bulging red eyes. It was the guard who'd given him beak earlier. Snowflake reared back and slammed both of his hooves into said beak, sending its owner tumbling down the steps of the VIP area. An earth pony with an anchor as a cutie mark jumped onto the mighty stallion's back, but he just tossed the seapony over his shoulders onto the ground. To finish him off Snowflake smashed his hind hoof into the pony's stomach, knocking the wind out of him. Another challenger came in the form of the previous table dealer who was still clutching the rake in his quivering claw. He took a desperate swing at the giant stallion, who caught the insignificant weapon between his bicep and hoof and casually broke it in half with a flex of his muscles.

"YEAH!" he shouted and grabbed the dealer by the collar of his vest, nonchalantly tossing him into the air. The griffon smashed onto one of the support beams of the room before slamming down on a table below. The first griffon had almost gotten up when a blackjackass table hit him square in the chest. The force of the desk flung him down once more, the weight of it making him squawk like a parakeet.

A hoof caught Snowflake from behind and he stumbled forward against a roulette table. With agility that should never have been possible with his bulk, he turned the momentum into a leap and easily cleared the obstacle, taking down the croupier with a double-hooved drop kick in the process. He ended up on the floor on his back, but kipped up onto all fours again, and was promptly hit in the face with a chair. Luckily it collided with his jaw, which was the hardest part of his body, and the chair shattered while only causing him mild discomfort. He turned about, swinging wildly with both of his hind hooves, and felt both of his hooves touch base as well as the familiar feeling of bones giving in under his might.

"YEAH!"

The griffon bartender lunged at Snowflake from behind the bar counter with two bottles of liquor in his talons. They swished past him so close he could even read the cheap labels. The bartender couldn't quite reach Snowflake's head and the bottles missed harmlessly, only to shatter on the counter. The pegasus spat his cigar into the large puddle of hard liquor and it flashed into a roaring blue flame. The bird behind the counter shied back from the inferno, shielding his face with a wing. Under the cover of his feathers, he pulled out a thick baton from underneath the table. His strike was an inch off, but it was enough to unbalance him. Snowflake grabbed both sides of the bartender's head and smashed his face directly into the puddle of flaming liquid and shards of glass, leaving him screeching.

A well-aimed pool cue cracked into Snowflake's back, knocking him onto the floor. He rolled to the side and saw the cue break on the floor next to him. On his back now, he could see a massive dark brown earth pony in a cheap suit towering above him. The brown stallion tossed his broken weapon aside and instead jumped into the air, attempting an elbow drop on the prone pony. He ended up cracking a few floorboards instead. Pulling up, a swift kick into the face from Snowflake forced him back.

Both of the stallions got up, circling each other slowly and deliberately. The pegasus could see from the other's stance that he was clearly a trained fighter, and several scars across his body proved he'd seen his fair share of scraps. They charged at each other with simultaneous bellows. The earth pony might have been experienced, but he hadn't anticipated the agility of the pegasus. Instead of meeting the charge head on, he feinted, and instead dove under the earth pony's flailing hooves before grabbing him around the barrel. Snowflake twisted back, suplexing the helpless pony through the remains of the blackjackass table and onto the keening griffon underneath.

Snowflake got up and brushed the dust from his suit jacket. The room was quiet, save for the moans and screams of the beaten. Without another word, he walked out the front door. Outside, he spied a full cart of timber on its way to the nearby lumberyard. With a wide grin he stepped behind the cart and slowly but deliberately aimed it toward the illegal casino. His whole body tensed as every single beautiful muscle strained under the massive load, ripping the rest of his jacket clean off. The cart slowly inched forward. He doubled his efforts and the vehice, usually meant for several ponies to pull, began to pick up speed.

"YEAH!"

The lumbercart-turned-battering-ram crashed into the building, straight through it, and all the way to the river behind. Snowflake slowly followed it inside, looking at the destruction with a smile. This gambling operation wouldn't be starting up any time soon. A flicker of movement in the corner of his eye made him stop, and he felt his hackles rise. He turned around in the middle of the room, scanning it for threats. The few gangsters too hurt to run away were groaning on the floor, but nopony else was present. Another flicker, and his eyes turned to follow the movement. His instincts made him throw a wild backswing behind him, and it hit true. Instead of the usual shriek of pain he'd grown accustomed to with his mighty blows, he felt the punch stop dead in its tracks. He turned around to see a familiar cerulean-haired mare, clad in skin-tight black from muzzle to hoof. She had stopped the blow with barely an effort with just one hoof.

"Heya, cuz. They've got your—" Cloudchaser started. The bellow of the charging earth pony interrupted her as he lunged for the giant pegasus' head with a large piece of table in his hooves. Without even turning, Snowflake's massive backhoof elbow broke the weapon in half and threw the stallion whimpering over the bar counter. Cloudchaser followed his trajectory, and leaned over the counter to see if he was still willing to fight. The earth pony had finally given up and was making tiny bubbling noises on the floor. She jumped to sit on the counter and picked up one of the bottles of beer that had miraculously survived the Armageddon around. Snowflake raised an eyebrow at her as he walked closer.

"What? I can't let this stuff go to waste. Ponies might have the best cider, but I'll go for a griffon beer over it any day." She lowered her mask and took a deep draw from the bottle. "Like I was trying to say: they got your little bro."

Snowflake's eyes shot wide, but soon fell back into dangerous slits. His wrecking ball of a hoof landed on the bar counter half a foot from Cloudchaser, splitting it clean in half. She didn't even flinch and just casually asked "So... Wanna go save him?"

His voice was a dangerous growl. "Yeah."

HIGH ABOVE EQUESTRIA, OVER A SEA OF MIDNIGHT CUMULONIMBUS

"So Featherweight left school as usual," Cloudchaser explained over the whistling night wind as they made wing for Ponyville. "Flitter was supposed to meet him at home, but he didn't show up. According to the few foals she interrogated at the playground, they'd seen him leave, but he'd been meaning to go straight home. She checked the premises, and did a sector sweep. Nada. Then she found signs of a fight and several marks where large bodies had hit the ground along the way Feathers usually took. They'd been covered pretty well. That's professional well. Oh yeah, she also found some tracks from a carriage, so all in all, it seems like the little tyke's been foalnapped."

Snowflake didn't say anything, but the way he slammed his forehooves together spoke volumes.

"Flitter knew you were on an undercover job up North, so she couldn't contact you directly. I, on the other hoof, was having maybe the best backrub in Equestria on a private beach in Las Palominos. Just minding my own business and sipping my well-deserved daiquiri when I got the call. Flew hours on end and my wings are soooo tired and... hold on." She put her forehoof on her in-ear commo to silence the wind.

"For the hundredth time, shut up!" the slightly metallic and not-so-slightly annoyed voice of Flitter said into her ear. "Like I've been trying to tell you, they've sent a ransom note. Seems it's the Stalliongrad Mafia, who've got a grudge with Snowflake from his previous visit there."

"She says it's the Orlov mob from last month. Seems they didn't like you putting half the family to the hospital. Or maybe it was the warehouse you burned. Or the mansion you collapsed. Or the—"

"Yeah, yeah."

"Just saying. When you go all out, you go all out, big fella."

"Will you cut the chatter, C.C.?! They want him to surrender in exchange for Featherweight. They've also said that they're gonna get... nasty on him if he doesn't comply soon."

Cloudchaser turned to her cousin. "They say they're gonna... This is ridiculous. What am I, your secretary?" She motioned for a nearby cloud.

She landed gracefully on the fluffy bank, followed soon after by Snowflake. Whereas she hardly even made a mark on it, the giant stallion almost fell through.

"Here. Take a commo. Courtesy of our friend at Scratch Industries. It's smaller, lighter, and has better reception than the commercial kind. Also has a built in MP3 player that I filled up for you," Cloudchaser said as she attached the device onto Snowflake's ear. "You're welcome."

"Testing one-two-three. Can you hear me, Snowflake?"

"Yeah."

"They want you at the western side of the Ponyville HE Dam at dawn, alone and unarmed. If you're late—"

"We won't be," Cloudchaser interrupted as she jumped back in the air. "Almost at Bitsburgh already, so ETA three hours."

"I scouted the site. It's almost impossible to hide around there for long range surveillance. Especially on the Western side because of the sun. And of course there's the part about you being supposed to go alone."

"Almost impossible?"

"Well there's this little hollow with some heavy foliage—"

"That's my sister! Always the eagle-eye!"

"You make me sound like a smelly griffon."

"Well to be honest, the new perfume you've fallen in love with is kinda..."

Snowflake tuned out the bickering sisters. His precious little brother had been taken because they wanted to get to him. They should have known that this specific family was off-limits. They didn't know what they were up against. He once again smashed his hooves together, but instead of the dull clop, a mighty crash of thunder came out.

His eyes shot wide, but the rest of his body followed separate instructions as his instincts took over. He rolled to the side and grabbed his cousin in a tight embrace before plummeting down into a large cloud below. The smell of ozone and singed fur filled his nose as he managed a quick peek to where they'd just been flying. Three black shapes took wing from the thundercloud above, its electric charge emptied with their sneak attack. They were gone into the black night before he and Cloudchaser could climb out of the thick foam they'd landed in.

"Come back here and fight like honest assassins!" Cloudchaser wailed after them, shaking her hoof in the air.

Snowflake rubbed his left flank where the lightning bolt had singed the fur around his Burly Mark. Just some blackened fur, nothing serious, he thought. He bit the last shreds of the cloud clinging to his hind legs off and spat them out. The ambushers were long gone, but that wasn't the problem. He knew a sneak attack like this wasn't like the Orlovs. They were old school. Traditional. They wanted to do everything with honour, muscle, melee, and sweat. He'd always liked them in a way because of that. As far as criminals went, they weren't all that bad. Sometimes he'd even left some of them semi-conscious out of respect. But a foalnapping? Completely unlike them. And how could they even know where they were? He'd been deep undercover in Loondon and nopony ever seemed to notice Cloudchaser, against all odds.

"Did you see their wings, cuz?"

Shaken from his thoughts, he looked at Cloudchaser with a raised eyebrow. Her night-vision had always been neigh-perfect, whereas he seemed to see things well only when his adrenaline was pumping.

"Bat wings," she explained. "Not just a suit either. Couldn't hear them after they took off."

"Cauchemares? Here?" Flitter asked increduously over the radio.

"Can't be. Princess Luna has some under her command in her private guard, but that's it."

Bat ponies. It fit. They could track a pony in the darkest of night from miles away and were almost impossible to hear. Just one problem with that.

"Shouldn't they still be trapped? The Princess let out a few of them to see if they'd reformed. There shouldn't be any others in Equestria."

"Yeah. This whole thing is starting to stink even worse than your perfume."

"It costs two-hundred bits a bottle!"

TOWN OF PONYVILLE

The two pegasi arrived at Ponyville an hour before the deadline. Flitter was standing outside the Town Hall, waving a glowstick in the air that coloured the wisps of morning mist around her with a sickly tint of green. They touched down on the cobblestones with Cloudchaser immediately falling on the ground, too exhausted from the flight to stand, but not enough to stop whining about it under her breath. Flitter was wearing a green-and-brown camouflage fatigue and a large metal suitcase stood on the ground next to her.

"Sorry for my lazy bum of a sister slowing you down, Snowflake. Can your favourite cousin get a hug?"

Snowflake lifted a forehoof up stoically, allowing the mare to embrace him. She had to stand on tippy-hoof to even reach his neck, which made her giggle.

"Have you been working out? Seems your neck's even thicker than before."

He looked at her for a moment, then at his own Burly Mark, then back at her, then back at his Burly mark, and then back at her.

"Yeah?"

Flitter giggled again. "Sorry. Just trying to make you less nervous. Also I just put a nice new necklace on you."

Snowflake lifted a hoof up to his neck, and felt the string of baubles around it.

Flitter's voice turned low and menacing and her eyes flashed. "Don't take it off yet. It's a string of flashbangs that detonates two seconds after you rip it off. My new design. Thought it was a good time to try it out."

Her sister had finally managed to crawl up to all fours again. "So you just put several explosives around his neck?"

"Yup" Flitter said and returned to grinning happily.

"Awesome!" They threw a pegasis-hoof together.

"Ka-chah! So, you ready to move? I took Little Rumble with me, just in case."

"Cute," Cloudchaser said, while turning to the side and pulling her mask down so she could make a fake gag while pushing her tongue out.

Flitter's eyes were gleaming in the dying light of the glow stick. "Yeah... I lubed the little guy all up and even emptied his load in the forest an hour ago. Gotta say he's got a nice kick to him."

"Maybe I should tell Thunderlane about you naming your gun after his little brother?"

"Oh, shut up. I can't help it. He's just so CUUUUTE!" she said while hugging herself and doing a pirouette.

The two sisters glared at each other, but they couldn't stop themselves from giggling.

"So, big lug, you ready to go yet?" When Cloudchaser didn't get an answer, she looked around, finally spotting Snowflake as a tiny white dot against the pre-dawn sky.

"Yo, wait up!"

PONYVILLE HYDROELECTRIC DAM

The sisters caught Snowflake sitting on a cliff edge overlooking the dam. Flitter produced a pair of binoculars and started scanning the area.

"Nopony there yet. They're probably coming at the last possible moment," she said. "Might as well get set up. Snowflake, go take up your position. We'll go hide away in my little nest. You just do your thing and get Feathers out. We'll take care of him when he's free."

Snowflake nodded and glided down to the road below. He soon made it to his end of the dam. Dawn was maybe ten minutes away and he started to stretch his muscles for the inevitable conflict.

"Watch it, idiot."

"Sor-ryyy! Why didn't you tell me this hidey hole was so tiny?" came Cloudchaser's grumbling from his commo. He gently lowered a forehoof onto his face.

"Because I didn't expect you to cram yourself here with me. Help me get Little Rumble up."

"Want me to feed it oysters or something? Do it yourself."

After a moment of mechanical noises and some very un-ladylike curses, Flitter's voice once again carried through to his ear.

"I've got you covered, Snowflake. Now we just have to wait."

He nodded without turning around. For the briefest of moments, he could hear the morning birds and watch as the sleeping town below him slowly woke up. Snowflake might be known for being loud, but he'd always enjoyed these quiet moments. It was as if the world was a lot nicer place than he'd found it to be. Not the place filled with gunfire, violence and scantily clad mares that he'd gotten himself mired into. Sometimes he even—

"Anyways. Did you ever find out why Ponyville actually has a huge-ass dam right next to it, Flitter?"

"You didn't hear about it? It's for the monorail."

"Err... we don't have a monorail."

There was an audible sigh, and Flitter continued in a bored voice. "We were supposed to. Some unicorn salesponies convinced the mayor that Whitetail Woods was a prime area for industrial development and that investing in it would bring a load of taxes to the town. The salesponies recommended building a monorail to connect the two places and they also built this dam to power the thing up. THEN it turns out that Whitetail Woods was a protected area because some rare species of squirrel lives there and the whole plan was scrapped. Except the dam was already built."

"Seriously? So... we're not using it for anything?"

"Pretty much. Although I heard that the library got some heavy duty cabling done to jack it up with the dam's power grid."

"Why in Equestria would a library—"

"Quiet. I've got movement."

Snowflake lifted his eyes to the sky. A black dot was approaching the other end of the dam just as the first rays of the sun blinded him. They'd clearly planned the whole thing. He could make out a black closed carriage with tinted windows, pulled by two ponies. He cracked his neck one last time and started his long walk. When he got closer, he could see the carriage better. Definitely of Germane make. That was one more thing that didn't fit the Orlov profile. The two cauchemares with the shades on their muzzles definitely didn't.

"Mr. Snowflake," came the gruff voice of a stallion. "So happy you could make it." The door of the carriage opened slowly, and a dark green unicorn clad in a fine black suit stepped out. Like the two drivers, he was also wearing a pair of triangular mirror-shades above a thin moustache. The cauchemares undid themselves from the carriage and moved to flank the unicorn.

Snowflake said nothing. He just kept on walking. The unicorn stepped in front of him, but he didn't even slow down. The green stallion soon lost his nerve and had to dodge the lumbering mass of muscle. Snowflake threw the carriage's door open, almost ripping it clean off. He hadn't expected to see Featherweight inside—these things were never that easy. His view of the empty carriage was replaced by metal as he came muzzle-to-muzzle with two heavy calibre pistols, held by the cauchemares.

"As I was saying, Mr. Snowflake, the pleasure is all ours. Now, if you could just step inside so we can be on our way."

The great white stallion did not make any moves to step inside. Instead he turned around, picked the unicorn up by his collar and brought him several feet up to his own eye level.

"Where. Is. Featherweight?" he asked, his bloodshot eyes reflecting from the unicorn's mirror-shades.

"If you would be so kind as to LET THE FUCK GO OF ME..." The unicorn's horn flashed a quick green light and Snowflake felt a piercing pain inside his head. He found himself sitting on the concrete, with the sneering unicorn standing above him and fixing his collar. "...and step into the carriage. Maybe we can act like civilized ponies and avoid any further unpleasantries. If you are worried about your little brother, he is held in a safe location to ensure your continued co-operation." He stopped when the pegasus didn't make a move. The bat-ponies pushed their hoofcannons to his sides. He slowly got up, but just stood still. The unicorn's face twisted with rage.

"You hard of hearing, you steroid freak? GET IN THE FUCKING CARRIAGE!"

Snowflake turned to look at him, and smiled.

"I'm all natural."

The carriage next to the ponies evaporated in an enormous gasoline explosion as the HE .50 anti-material round hit. The blast flung the four ponies prone on the ground. Snowflake was used to being thrown around by nearby explosions, so he knew to roll to the side. Flitter shouting "Incoming" in his ear over the commo also helped. He grabbed the unicorn, thwacked him on the horn, and dragged him to the edge of the dam. One of the cauchemares had landed in his way, and he just barreled through him, taking all three of them over the side. Just as his shoulders were about to vanish over the edge, he felt a searing pain on his back. The other bat-pony pony had recuperated enough to fire his gun at him, but due to disorientation, managed only to graze Snowflake's wing.

The unicorn was flailing madly at Snowflake while trying to summon his magic again. He would have none of it and punched the stallion clean in the face, snapping his head back into the surface of the dam. The unicorn's horn traced a thin line of green sparks where it met the concrete. His eyes turned up as he lost consciousness.

“Dam you!” Snowflake shouted.

A few bullets whistled past them as the other cauchemare pony got to the edge. Another round from Little Rumble hit the dam behind him and sent him flying over the side as well. Snowflake quickly grabbed the bat-pony pony he'd tackled and the now unconscious unicorn under his forehooves. With his wounded wing, he knew he couldn't support all of them during flight, so he had to improvise. With his intact wing, he turned them around so their heads were pointing at the river below, making sure that the cauchemare pony would be the first one to hit the surface. He felt the stallion's body scrunch under the combination of his own massive bulk and the surface tension of the water before he went under as well.

After a few minutes, Snowflake surfaced near the bank. He carried the still unconscious unicorn on his back and nonchalantly dropped him face-first in the riverside muck.

"I can't believe you just did that, you stupid oaf! You okay there?" Cloudchaser shouted in his ear.

He sat down, picked the unicorn's mirrorshades from his face and put them over his own eyes before falling onto his back.

"Yeah."

Author's Note

If you're wondering why this hasn't been updated after April, it was because I was hard at work doing the corrections EQD asked for and waiting for them to respond. Been working on my other fics in the meantime as well. Don't worry, it will get updated sooner rather than later.