The Book From Hell

by ilikefrenchfries1010

Rating: everyone
Tags: Princess Celestia, Twilight Sparkle, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Other, Princess Luna, Princess Cadance
Length: 4573

Twilight Sparkle reads Twilight by Stephenie Mare.

Have you ever read a book so awful, it must've been the work of pure evil?

After a long tiring week as princess, Twilight likes to relax with a good book. She overheard two mares talking about a book called Twilight by Stephenie Mare, perhaps that would be a good choice.

Published 2013-04-24 18:20:02 UTC
Last updated 2013-04-24 18:20:02 UTC

Crisis Averted

Being a princess is not easy.

Twilight spends her weekdays in Canterlot. Here, she discusses political matters, judges legal cases, settles petty squabbles between citizens, finances public projects and a bunch of other important stuff.

However, she does receive three half an hour breaks everyday. When it's time, Twilight retreats to the private royal lounge with Princess Celestia and Princess Luna. Here, the trio would sit back, relax and talk about simple matters. One of their favorite topics was the atrocious hairstyles of the snobby mares. Once time was up, it was back to the metaphorical grinder.

Twilight learned to cherish these breaks whenever they came. It was a brief respite in her endless turmoil. However, there was one thing she looked forward more to than anything else.

The weekend.

Every Friday night, Princess Twilight Sparkle would bid the envious princesses good evening as she ditched her royal duties. A chariot would be summoned and Twilight would begin her journey to Ponyville to catch up with her dearest friends. On Sunday night, she would would say farewell to her friends as she returned to the castle. She couldn't abandon her duties as Equestria's newest princess.

This time, Twilight opted for a more normal approach. She decided to fly home alone with nothing but her saddlebags and one very special book for a relaxing night of reading.

"Come on come on come on! Where is she!? She should've been here by now. What if something bad happened to her!?" panicked Pinkie Pie, bouncing in place.

"Sugarcube, relax," urged Applejack, "so what if she's a little behind schedule?"

"Applejack's right Pinkie," agreed Rarity. "Besides, Twilight is an alicorn now. What danger could she possibly be in?"

"Ya, Twilight could totally destroy anything with her awesome new magical powers!" added Rainbow Dash.

"But what if gets ambushed by some strange creature that is impervious to magic?" Pinkie countered.

"She could just out fly it with her awesome alicorn wings!"

"Oh ya? But what if she gets—"

"Girls?" interrupted Fluttershy.

"Yes Fluttershy?" asked the others.

"I can see her flying in right now."

The group directed their attention to the sky. They were surprised to see not a chariot, but regular old Twilight flying in solo. Dash almost flew up to meet her but was held back by Rarity, forcing her to wait along with everypony else.

"Hello everypony!" she greeted as she touched down.

Twilight was too slow to escape the blur of hooves reaching towards her.

"Girls! Girls! Stop that! Ahh that tickles!"

"So, who's going to host the sleepover this time?" asked Fluttershy.

"Definitely not me," Rarity declared. "I'm still cleaning up from the previous week's sleepover."

"I said I was sorry!" Pinkie reminded her.

"Actually girls, I was hoping to just stay in the library tonight and catch up on some reading."

"Still the egghead we all know and love I see," teased Rainbow Dash.

"Well, alrighty then Twi. How about we all met up at my place tomorrow for a lunch picnic?" Applejack suggested.

"As Equestria's newest princess, I hereby declare that to be a great plan!"

A few jokes and giggles later. Everyone said their goodbyes and went their separate ways for the night.

Twilight galloped to her library, eager to surprise Spike. She undid the front door's lock with a new spell Celestia had taught her (perks of being a princess) and quietly sneaked inside. Upon entering, she was unsurprised to hear the snoring coming from the upstairs bedroom.

"I think it's time I had a little fun," Twilight thought aloud, smiling impishly and rubbing her front hooves together.

Using her new wings, Twilight decided to fly up the stairs rather than walk. It would help her remain undetected.

Upon reaching the bedroom door, Twilight ever so slowly eased it open, as if she were afraid that a ghost was behind. On the bed, rather than in his basket, was a purple dragon, fast asleep at that. Twilight crept closer and closer until she was inches away from Spike's face. She prepped her Royal Canterlot Voice for a good old fashioned scare.

"WAKEY WAKEY SPIKE!"

Crack went the nearby window. Somewhere in the distance, a dog barked in alarm.

"Hey! Princess or not, some of us are trying to sleep here!" groaned Lily from next-door.

"Sorry!" Twilight yelled again as she sheepishly stuck her head out the window.

She turned her head to Spike, expecting to see him quivering under the bed. He was still on the bed. It looked like he hadn't moved an inch despite her wake-up call.

"Spike, Spike wake up. Are you alright?" Twilight prodded the lump with a hoof.

She didn't hear the footsteps approaching her from behind. In one swift motion, Spike jumped into the air and landed on Twilight's back.

"Twilight! You're back!"

"Ahhhh!"

Twilight's scream finished the window, shattering it completely.

"Spike! Wait, what? If you're here, than what's on the bed?"

"I knew you might try to prank me again after what happened last time. So I set up a decoy. Clever huh?"

"You're too smart for your own good Spike," joked Twilight, "but seriously, don't do that again. Now give me a hug."

Twilight tucked Spike into bed and made her way downstairs into the living room.

"Time for a nice, quiet reading session."

Twilight took a seat in her favorite couch and magically lit up the fireplace. To create an even more relaxing atmosphere, Twilight reached into her saddlebags and pulled out some scented candles. Not just any scented candles mind you, these were magically made candles. These babies would produce a scent unmatched by any other. Twilight set the lit candles around her in a circle formation, so that they would cover her in their relaxing scent.

"Just one more touch," Twilight mumbled to herself.

Twilight one again reached into her saddlebags and retrieved the ultimate drink for peaceful reading.

A bottle of red wine.

Much like the candles, this wasn't your ordinary red wine. This wine came from the royal wine cellar, which only Princess Celestia, Princess Luna, Princess Cadence, Prince Shining Armour and now Princess Twilight could access. Only the best of the best was worthy of the lips of Equestria's royalty after all. It was a pièce de résistance, as Rarity would say.

Twilight removed the cork and took a long, drawn out whiff of the wine. Just the smell was enough to calm her right down. She poured herself a glass and took a tiny sip.

"Perfect. Absolutely perfect," smiled Twilight, sinking into the couch.

Pleased with her handiwork, Twilight reached into her saddlebags one last time and pulled out a book. It had interested her because apparently it shared the same name with her. Her interest was further piqued when she had overheard two makeup-smothered mares saying that Twilight was quite possibly the greatest book ever. They spoke a great deal about the character development, the intricate, yet enticing plot, the suspense, the pulse-pounding action, a gorgeous vampire stallion, and most importantly, the romance. The book, which had a sequel inbound, had been so surprisingly successful that it had won countless awards. Although for some odd reason, a majority of the readers were adolescents. Surely, all these achievements would mean that it was a great book, right?

Twilight had asked Princess Luna about the book since she had previously read it. It was a good idea to get a reader's opinion before buying a book, right? In response, Luna merely chuckled and shook her head.

"Twas a most interesting read no doubt," she playfully replied.

She had also seeked out Princess Cadence's opinion on the matter.

"I Lov—err I hated it! It was an awful book!" answered a nervous Cadence, eyes darting about.

"Princess Mi Amore Cadenzia, are you lying to me?" inquired Twilight, picking up the obvious signs.

"Whoa! Look at the time"—Cadence took a look at her imaginary pocket watch—"I have to go... see how Shining Armor is doing!"

Cadence teleported away, leaving a confused Twilight behind.

While Cadence's behavior was quite suspicious, it didn't change Twilight's mind from reading the book. If anything, she wanted to read it even more.

Twilight couldn't help but giggle and bite her lip in anticipation as she slowly opened the book to the first page.

"Well, here goes!"

"What!? That's it!?" yelled a frustrated and utterly disappointed Twilight. "I paid forty bits for this disgusting piece of literature! Which then again, isn't that much for someone with the salary of a princess. But still!""

Twilight couldn't believe that she had painstakingly created the perfect reading atmosphere, only to be let down by none other than the book itself.

"What kind of vampire sparkles in the sunlight? I mean come on! Gayest vampire ever. And that mare is probably the dumbest one I've ever read about. I mean, dating a vampire is just asking for trouble! And she's so goddamn needy and troublesome!"

"Don't leave me my vampire love, I'll cry myself to sleep for months if you do! Bite me and we'll have lots of happy vampire sex! I'm too special to have a normal, coltfriend!" imitated Twilight. "And Coltcob is obviously the better choice if you ask me."

Twilight paced back and forth as she thought about every flaw which riddled the book in her hooves. She tried to think about some positives in the book.

"I got nothing," she said after a good five minutes of heavy pondering.

Twilight summoned a quill and ink, using her magic, and began to write a letter.

Dear Princess Celestia,

I know that I've only been away from the castle for a few hours but I have an important matter to discuss with you.

I like to consider myself a seasoned reader, having read thousands of pieces of literature ranging from autobiographies of famous magicians, to science fiction such as Doctor Whooves and Star Trot. As such, I feel it is my duty as both a keen reader, and a princess, to inform you that I may have just read the most vile, the most atrocious, the most positively horrendous book ever! I have come to the understanding that this book is actually hell spawn sent from the depths of Tartarus. To prevent the grim possibility of this book transforming into a demon and disemboweling us all, I have enclosed my personal copy—on which I've wasted forty bits—for your examination.

I suggest having a bucket and a strong bottle of wine nearby as you masochistically flip through these infernal pages.

Your faithful student/princess,

Twilight Sparkle

Twilight pulled out a bottle of dragon's breath from her saddlebags and used it to incinerate the letter. She'd need a refill from Spike later. She sat in her couch and patiently awaited a response. After a few minutes, a small scroll materialized in front of Twilight and fell on the floor. Using her magic, Twilight brought the scroll to her face and began to read its contents.

Dear Twilight Sparkle,

This may be the most interesting letter I've received from you in awhile. Not that most of your letters aren't interesting mind you. Anyway, I've decided to humor you and read this book for myself. Afterwards, I will personally scan it using my magic to check for the presence of any evil spirits from Tartarus or wherever.

However! If nothing is wrong with this book, I expect a ten page essay on the Quantum Theory. Font size ten!

Just kidding! Please don't take this joke seriously like you did last time. We don't want a repeat of that "incident" now do we?

Now, enjoy your time off! Faust knows Luna, Cadence and I could use some more.

Your loving teacher/fellow princess,

Celestia

Satisfied with Celestia's quick response, Twilight decided it was time to hit the hay. She blew out her plethora of candles, extinguished the fireplace and quietly trotted up to her bedroom. Once she reached the bed, she couldn't help but admire its beauty.

"I missed you bed," she sighed happily as she unceremoniously plopped in.

The spring warmth enveloped six mares and a dragon as they enjoyed a peaceful picnic. They had all met as promised and were making the most of their time, catching up on recent events and whatnot.

The simplicity of it all was what made it so special to Twilight. No fancy dresses, no court laws, no silver tongues, no tax proposals, just her and her best friends, sitting on grass and eating hay sandwiches.

The mosquitoes were kind of annoying though.

Everyone's attention was secured by a piece of parchment which Spike abruptly belched out. They collectively gasped as they saw the black ribbon around it.

It was a code black emergency.

Twilight ripped open the letter as quickly as she could and read it aloud for her friends.

Dear Twilight Sparkle,

Get to Canterlot NOW.

Your distressed princess,

Celestia.

"T'aint fair!" complained Applejack.

"Ya!" agreed Rainbow Dash. "You're always busy, we can never spend much time together anymore."

"Don't worry girls. I'll be back before you know it," Twilight assured them.

"I do hope so," Rarity added.

Calling upon her magic, Twilight teleported herself directly into Princess Celestia's bedchambers. Casting such a long distance spell was very tiring. Luckily for her, her alicorn magic reserves kicked in, restoring her a bit. Hopefully she made it in time to thwart any villain who dared attack Canterlot.

"Princess!? What's wrong!?"

Twilight was confused as to why there was no fire or explosions going off. Was it a false alarm? She took a moment to examine her surroundings, and saw Celestia, Luna and Cadence laying rather comfortably on the lavish, canopy bed.

"Twilight, good of you to join us," noticed Celestia, "come quickly, we have things to discuss."

"This better be important guys," sighed Twilight, rolling her eyes. "I can't keep abandoning my friends like this."

"Apologies for the inconvenience Twilight, but we wouldn't summon thou without good reason," assured Luna.

"Alright, so why did you summon me then?"

"Because of this," answered Cadence as she pulled a book which was hidden beneath a pillow.

Twilight took a step back, hissing in hatred as she recognized the object in question.

Twilight, by Stephenie Mare.

"You summoned me here for that garbage?"

"Yes Twilight," answered Celestia, "having read through this book like you asked me too, I can agree that it is... well... garbage."

"Quite," firmly agreed Luna, stamping her approval.

"Yes... garbage," Cadence reluctantly concurred.

"Had I not taken the precautions mentioned in your previous letter, I would have spilled my guts right onto my immaculate carpet. I also decided to humor you by scanning this book for the presence of evil."

"Well did you find anything?" asked Twilight.

"I regret to inform you that there are in fact terrible evils in this book," Celestia confirmed.

"Tis true. We are well aware of this book's foul content. But to think that it could house such evil... To be honest, we aren't entirely surprised; if one book was to bear the evil of the world, it would probably be this one."

"Ya, what Luna said," sighed Cadence, making it continuously obvious that she actually liked Twilight.

It took Twilight a few moments to let the information sink in. There were actual evil spirits inside of that book? Still, she had to admit, it made perfect sense that an evil book would contain evil things.

"Are we in any danger?" worried Twilight, mane beginning to frazzle.

"No, at least not at the moment," Celestia assured, "it puzzles me as to why the evil spirits are dormant and not wreaking havoc upon everypony. It's as if they are waiting for something..."

"We must find a way to purge this evil! It must be stopped before it's too late!" urged Luna. "Surely thou dost know, Celestia, what might happen if this evil were to be unleashed."

"Let's not dwell on the gruesome possibilities, Luna," Celestia replied, shuddering at the mere thought.

"So, how exactly are we to exorcise the evil from this book?" pondered Cadence. "Do you guys have any spells for something like this?"

"It is possible to remove the evil from this book right now. However, it would not remove the evil from every other copy of this book which exists. It would be time-consuming and too much hassle to gather every single copy," Celestia explained.

"I think I have an idea," declared Twilight.

"Well, tell us then!"

"I believe that if we can discover the source of evil and handle it efficiently, our problems will be solved."

"Good thinking Twilight," praised Celestia, "Theoretically, if we can destroy their point of origin, the evil spirits will most likely be expelled and returned to hell."

"The question is, where did these spirits come from?" added in Cadence.

"We believe we might have an idea," Luna smirked.

Click click click click clack clack clack ka-ching!

Click click click click clack clack clack ka-ching!

The ambient noises of a typewriter filled the humble abode of a mare. She was muzzle deep in concentration. Sweat fell from her forehead unto the keys as she typed with the fury and passion of a newlywed couple consummating their marriage.

Knock knock knock knock knock, knock knock.

"Coming!" she called out. "I wonder who that could be."

The mare peeped through the looking hole in her door and was astonished to see not one, not two, not three, but four princesses at her doorstep! She reluctantly undid the locks and eased the door open.

"P-princesses!" she bowed until her face smacked the floor. "Please come in! What can I do for you!?"

"Rise my loyal subject," Celestia spoke.

Luna shut the door behind herself and locked it as her fellow princesses walked in before her.

The mare broke into a cold sweat. They obviously weren't joking around.

"Have they figured it out? No, impossible. They couldn't have possibly..."

"You are Stephenie Mare, correct?" Twilight inquired, "author of that thing? Err I mean, author of Twilight?"

"Yes, that's me," confirmed Stephenie, "do you wish for an autograph or something of the sort?"

"By the gods no!" snapped Luna, "I mean... no thank you?"

"Oh! I would love to have your autograph!" cheered Cadence.

Cadence quickly trotted up to Stephenie and had her sign an autograph book. She then quickly fell back into formation beside Twilight.

"Girls, let me handle the talking," pleaded Celestia. "Anyway, we have come to your home to ask you a simple question."

"Yes?" asked Stephenie.

"Are you, or are you not aware of the presence of evil in these books!?" demanded Celestia as she threw Twilight's copy of Twilight unto the floor with a burning hatred.

"W-Whatever do you mean? Just because you don't like my book, it doesn't mean that there is evil contained within," countered Stephenie, albeit a bit nervously.

"You know, being several millennia old and having to deal with sly politicians, I've learned how to decipher when ponies are lying to me," boasted Celestia, "that and you are about as good at lying as the element of Honesty is."

"But I'm not lying! I had no idea that these things even existed!" argued Stephenie, doing her best to avoid performing the telltale signs of a liar.

"Very well, if you aren't lying I'm sure that you wouldn't mind us having a look around."

"Not at all princess."

The four princesses began searching for anything which could be classified as odd. Within a few minutes, Twilight spoke up.

"Hey girls! Come over here."

Celestia, Cadence and Luna galloped over to Twilight. Once they arrived, they detected a strong concentration of magic emanating from a single object.

The typewriter.

To confirm, Celestia did a quick scan of the object with her most powerful magic. Once the spell was complete, she smirked as one would after beating an opponent in an intense game of chess.

"The jig is up Stephenie, no use hiding the truth now."

To their surprise, Stephenie didn't break down and beg for forgiveness. Instead, she began to chuckle in a very disturbing fashion.

The chuckle turned into a maniacal guffaw which sent chills up everpony's spines.

"So, that's it huh?" she growled, "Game over, right? You caught the villain and now you can be praised by your loyal subjects for your bravery and heroism?"

"Well, that's the idea!" joked Cadence to lighten up the atmosphere.

"You fools!" roared Stephenie in a demonic voice.

Everypony was startled by Stephenie's sudden transformation. Her flesh slowly turned red and her mane began to fall off. Bony wings sprouted from her back and blood red horns emerged from her scalp. For the finishing touches, her pupils turned into slits and her tongue became like that of a snake. A really disgusting snake.

She was a demon herself!

"Here's what's gonna happen. I'm going to capture you four and torture you myself in my underground dungeons. Why I have a wide selection to choose from! Whips, brazen bulls, hoof screws, iron maidens and even gags for you strange few! Afterwards, I'll finish writing my sequel, New Moon! Once the series is complete and my evil has spread everywhere, I will unleash all the evil spirits at once! Ponykind will be helpless to resist the slaughter-fest! Once all is done, I shall claim my throne upon the corpses of all your loyal subjects. Equestria shall be mine!" By the time her mini speech was over, Demonie was foaming like a rabid dog.

"Art thou finished yet?" yawned Luna. "We must be returning to Canterlot soon. And Twilight can't keep her friends waiting."

"Insolent fools! Face my wraaaath!" roared Demonie, spittle flying everywhere.

"Alright girls, just like we practiced," spoke an impossibly calm Celestia.

The four princesses fell into formation, forming a diamond pattern. Their horns glowed with incredibly powerful magic of which only alicorns were capable. The sheer intensity created intense heat waves, baking the room's occupants. Powerful streams of magic erupted from each horn. The streams linked together above the center of the diamond, forming a bright, multicolored sphere of raw magical power.

"Too bad Twilight wasn't a princess back when Chrysalis attacked... huh girls?" joked a struggling Cadence. "We could've... mopped her up with this spell on... the spot."

Demonie prepped her own spell. Black tendrils of evil magic escaped from the typewriter and formed their own sphere, this one a sickly mixture of black and red. More evil magic seeped from copies of Twilight which lay on bookshelves around the room, including the one which Celestia had thrown down. The end result was a powerful sphere filled with evil and hatred to match its opponent.

By this time, the multicolored sphere had doubled in size and was becoming unstable. The room was so hot that a potted plant nearby had been set aflame.

"Ready girls!?" shouted Celestia.

"Ready!" chorused the others.

"Alright! 3...2...1... Fire!"

"Wraaaaaaa!" Demonie screamed as she launched her own spell.

The two beams collided in a dazzling display of pure energy. Both sides struggled to gain ground, and found themselves locked in the middle.

"Harder girls! Harder!" encouraged Twilight.

"Tis now or never!" shouted Luna.

The rainbow beam slowly gained ground, to Demonie's dismay.

"A most worthy opponent! But not worthy enough!"

More tendrils of black magic seeped up from under the floorboards and fed the black beam. As a result, the sides were once again evenly matched. There were even more books stowed away underground!

"Not good!" panicked Cadence.

"We cannot... give up! The fate of Equestria depends on us!"

Crash!

The sudden noise startled everyone, causing the spells to be interrupted and the beams to vanish. A gray, cross-eyed pegasus had crashed in through one of the windows.

"Package for Miss Stephenie Mare!" she chimed.

Not one to allow an opportunity to escape, Celestia shouted with all her remaining might.

"Now!"

The four princesses casted a much weaker, but still incredibly powerful version of the spell. Demonie had no time to recover as she was struck with the full force of the spell.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

The quartet watched in triumph as Demonie was disintegrated, leaving no trace whatsoever.

"I'll just be going now," whispered an awe-struck Derpy.

Once Derpy had left the room, Cadence spoke up.

"Well, are we awesome or what? High hoof!"

The four princesses jumped high and smacked hooves together in victory.

"Let's not celebrate too quickly, lest we forget one thing," Luna reminded the others as she walked over to the typewriter. She picked it up and placed it on the floor among everpony else.

"Well? Who shall have the honor of smashing this infernal contraption?" inquired Luna.

"Oh I wanna I wanna I wanna!" danced Twilight.

"Very well Twilight, you shall have the honors," smirked Celestia.

"Yay!" cheered Twilight as she energetically danced on the machine, smashing it to pieces. It hissed in anger at each hoof step until it had been completely destroyed.

Upon the typewriter's destruction, Celestia did another scan on one of the books which littered the floor.

"It's gone!" she cheered. "Job well done girls."

"Boy, am I tired," Twilight confessed.

"Me too, I just want to crawl into Shining's arms and take a nice long rest," Cadence added.

"As do I," agreed Luna. "Wait..."

Everpony laughed at Luna's slip of the tongue as they trotted out of the building. Celestia, to Cadence's dismay, set fire to the building in order to destroy it for good. Little did she know that Cadence had secretly snagged the almost completed sequel for her own reading pleasure.

Celestia, Cadence and Luna began their flight back to Canterlot after saying farewell to Twilight. They would have a mountain of missed paperwork to catch up on. Twilight began her own flight back to Sweet Apple Acres.

"There you are!" exploded Pinkie with happiness. "Where have you been!?"

"Oh, just doing my princess duty."

"Well, we are glad you're back. For good this time I presume?" Rarity asked, raising her eyebrows in doubt.

"Ya, don't you dare go running off on us again!" warned Rainbow Dash.

"Ah'll hogtie ya before you can use those fancy wings o yours." added Applejack.

"Really?" doubted Twilight. "Oh? What's that? I hear Princess Celestia calling me."

Twilight slowly and deliberately began flapping away, but was promptly immobilized and pulled back in by Applejack's expert rope-handling skills. This prompted a cacophony of laughter from everyone.

The friends enjoyed the company of each other until the sun went down. When it was time to go home, the girls once again said their goodbyes. They still had Sunday to spend together before Twilight had to leave again.

Meanwhile, in the Canterlot Gardens.

A prince and a princess sat on a bench underneath a willow tree. Both were smiling like maniacs as they both read through the unfinished book which one of them had so cleverly retrieved.

"I still can't believe you managed to snag this Cady."

"Shh! I'm at an exciting part!" scolded Cadence. "Marella is about to kiss Coltcob!"

"WHAT!? No way!" yelled Shining Armor, plunging headfirst into the text.

Author's Note

This story was written for my personal amusement as well as yours. No hate to the Twilight series! I have read Twilight and it wasn't awful contrary to popular belief.

Don't kill me! :twilightsheepish:

I do not own the characters portrayed in this short story.