the confusion of multiple realities
It felt like i had been running around playing with my friends weeks ago, but in reality it had been years, i was now coming up on my 18th birthday.
"Damn, it’s 5 years ago, it seems like it was yesterday" i thought to myself as i sat in my room not actually doing anything while the tv was running in the bacgground.
5 years doesn’t seem like much at first glance but when you look back 5 years you see that a lot has changed.
Here I was, in the apartment I had been planted in by the government, practically my whole family was gone.
The police had just left as I could now conclude that my entire family was extinct.
My grandfather, died from 3 years of leukemia in his bones
My uncle, weeks after in a car crash at 100 km/h (roughly 60 mph) into a drunk driver in the highway
My grandmother 1 and a half year later luckily died from pure aging
My dad from a brain hemorrhage 1 and a half year after my grandmother,
My mom 1 year after, suicide by pistol, I guess she couldn’t take it anymore,
And now my sister from an overdose.
This means, I have no family, I have no relatives, only the exiles of the far family is left; people I don’t know, strippers, people who are involved in serious crimes, stuff alike.
I was now standing up pacing around in my room of 20sq meters wondering if I might even have a chance.
I always had a relaxed connection with death, as I have a very loose grip on what I think regarding the afterlife.
I didn’t think that anything I did would help, even after the double burial of my sister and my mom, I wasn’t crying I felt empty, as if something had taken a giant syringe poked it into my neck and sucked out all the feelings.
Sure after around a week I got my bearings again and started school, still no emotions, I was seeing a shrink and I was on anti-depressive pills, of course I could laugh at stuff but I couldn’t feel the happiness spread inside me as it usually would.
I was an empty, heartless, emotionless, corpse walking around on two legs and doing math.
Every day would be the same, wake up go to school, go home, watch the nothingness on tv and go to bed, every day.
I was growing more and more impatient now and I was starting to doubt my very existence in this world, as in not being useful to anyone not even myself, I wasn’t doing my homework, despite having LOADS of time to myself.
After around 6 months I got so sick of my boring miserable life, and did something I did not think I would do, I took a whole glass of pills, fortunately or unfortunately, however you want to look at It, I was discovered right after swallowing the last pills, by my tutor, who was sent by the government.
Another 3 months passed and I still had no changes in my registry of feelings despite them having ramped up the dose from 10mg/day to 160mg/day 4 pills each night …
I had obtained a gun through a Russian guy I knew from elementary, who had offered a much bigger gun for roughly the same price, but I had declined and stayed on my pick of the Makarov, it would do the job sufficiently.
After getting my gun I bid farewell and good luck to my Russian friend and told him to live life to the fullest.
I took the gun to my dorm as I actually was, and sat down in my chair.
“this is it” the afterlife will probably be okay since I have done little to no bad in this world, but on the other hand I haven’t exactly been nice either, I’ve been more ignorant than anything else.
I put the gun up to the side of my head before thinking twice, I wanted to end on a good note therefore I opened my pc and opened facebook.
“well, this is it, I have been welled up in this empty void of my feelings and my empty mind, I cannot take it anymore, I have no family left, I have no friends I still see privately, and I have come to the conclusion that my life is not worth living, even though I essentially have enough money to buy anything I want, this will still not make me happy, the only feeling I can feel now after everything is gone, is pain both physically and mentally.
Goodbye you, humanity you miserable piece of shit”
After making sure it was posted for everyone to see I put the gun to the side of my head, and to my own surprise I was finding myself beginning to cry, although they were not tears of pain or agony, they were tears of joy, finally it was going to be over, all the pain, all the hatred towards my own race, my lost faith in humanity, it all was going to be over in the blink of an eye, yet I still found myself hesitant to pull the trigger as if I was supposed to wait for something, yet again I had nothing to wait for no one who could come and knock on my door, no one who could “talk sense into me”, no one could stop me and I can’t help but feel that that was wrong, everyone should have someone who says stop sometimes.
I closed my browser on my computer and put on “tut tut child – maelstrom” and decided that when the second drop would drop I’d pull the trigger
I sat there with closed eyes with my computer blasting on all the speakers in my room, while crying the second drop approached and I readied my gun at the side of my head.
I felt a tear rolling down my face and a smile upon my cheeks as I pulled the trigger.
Everything became black.