Doctor Whoof: First Impressions
Andrew J. Talon
Disclaimer: This is a non-profit fan-based work of prose. My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic is the property of Hasbro, while Doctor Who is the property of BBC. Please support the official release.
Twilight Sparkle was trotting around the TARDIS control room, her large eyes taking in everything they could as she examined the interior. The Doctor watched her, smiling in amusement and rubbing his forehooves together in anticipation. At last, she spoke.
"It's a wooden time machine. It's a spaceship made of wood, and it's... It's... Bigger on the inside! Compressed dimensions, right?"
" ... Most ponies just stop at "bigger on the inside"; I like it when they say that," the Doctor said, looking a bit disappointed. Twilight frowned.
"Most ponies? There have been others?"
The Doctor nodded. "A lot."
"All fillies?"
"Some, yes," the Doctor said. He adjusted his tie. Twilight frowned and leaned over to look at it. The Doctor looked back at her.
"What's wrong?"
"Well, it's that tie," Twilight said.
"What? Ties are cool."
"No they aren't," Twilight said flatly. "It looks weird."
"It does not. I'm wearing it. I'm cool. So therefore, it is cool," Doctor Whoof replied confidently.
"By what definition of cool, what scale?"
"Why… The Fizzbin Scale of Tragos VII, pony year 50,456 BC-That is, before Celestia."
"I've never heard that dating system before," Twilight said. "What year is it under that now?"
"This is the year 1001 PNM, or Post Nightmare Moon, but now that you beat her everything will have to start over again. Bit inconsiderate of you, really."
Twilight glared at him. The Doctor coughed.
"Well, her. Not you. Sorry…"
"So this Fizzbin Scale, what is it?"
"It's a universal measurement of coolness throughout the universe. According to it, I am definitely a 78.9 on the coolness meter with the tie."
"But such a scale is entirely subjective! Dependant on culture, society, economics..." Twilight glared. "You made it up didn't you?"
"No... Not really. It exists, it's just not universal, and they thought it was universal but once they made the scale they mysteriously died out would you like to go see how and why?"
"Well… All right... But it's still not cool."
"What if I wore it on my head?"
"Your head?" Twilight asked incredulously. The Doctor pulled off his tie and placed it upon his head with a smile. Twilight stared.
"So?"
"… How is that cool?" Twilight asked.
"Allow me to state my previous thesis: I travel through time, therefore, I am cool, therefore, anything I wear is cool."
Twilight covered her mouth with her hoof and snickered. The Doctor laughed as well, and put his tie back the way it was.
"I suppose I can't argue against that."
"There, see?" The Doctor said, examining his instruments.
"So…Am I cool too?" Twilight asked.
"Oh yes, most definitely. You're with me so now of course you are cool," the Doctor said. Twilight laughed.
"Of course…"
"So, any other questions?" The Doctor asked. Twilight nodded.
"Yes. Your time space ship thing, why is it a police box? You're not a policehorse."
"Oh, it's just uh... It's camouflage," he explained.
"This style of police box stopped being used throughout Equestria at least 50 years ago, according to what I've been reading," Twilight said.
"Well, um, you see... When the TARDIS lands, it scans everything within a thousand miles of it and through 12th dimensional sensor analysis it comes up with the perfect disguise for wherever or whenever it's landed," the Time Pony explained confidently.
"And so it turns into a police box. A fifty year old, out of date police box," Twilight said after a pause.
"... Yes," the Doctor said, drawing out the last consonant.
"Well that doesn't seem very useful," Twilight commented.
"Ah, well... It's... Busted."
"Busted."
"Yes. I burnt it out on one of my first trips with my granddaughter, been meaning to fix it-"
"Granddaughter?"
"Yesss, I was a grandpa."
"What happened to her? Or your son, daughter, wife...?"
"Ah... All gone."
"... Everypony?" Twilight asked with sympathy in her eyes. The Doctor looked back at his instruments.
"Yeah. Time War... They're all gone."
There was a sad silence in the TARDIS, and Twilight saw a bit of sorrow in the gaze of the Doctor.
"You don't have anyone?" Twilight asked, reaching out a hoof to rest over the Doctor's. He looked over at her and smiled with a shrug.
"... Well, at the moment..."
Twilight blinked then yanked her hoof back. The moment was broken.
"What? Look, I... I'm not into that."
"Into what?" The Doctor asked, confused.
"Aliens," Twilight said firmly.
"... I don't quite understand-" The Doctor said.
"No! No! I am not hard up for... My teacher put you up to this, didn't she?" Twilight growled.
"What? No! Nonono!" The Doctor said. "What would give you that idea?"
"… So I've discovered the Porteus Spell is far more effective a door opening spell than the Gidos spell of several centuries prior and-"
"Twilight Sparkle, my beloved student…"
"Yes Princess Celestia?"
"When was the last time you got mounted, my dear?"
"… Pr-Princess?"
"It's nothing to be embarrassed about, Twilight. Come now, tell me. I assure you I won't laugh. And if you're having trouble with finding the right colt, well, I can always help you out."
"… Is there a memory erase spell I can learn, Princess Celestia?"
"No! I'm not into... Into... Squids!" Twilight blurted out. The Doctor gaped.
"Excuse me?"
"You're an alien, right? You can't be a pony, you-You're an alien!"
"What? Me? You're the alien to me, thank you," the Doctor said with a grin.
"But that's impossible! You-You look..." Twilight Sparkle circled around him, looking at him from high and low.
"I thought you weren't interested in that sort of thing," the Doctor said dryly.
"I'M NOT!" Twilight said defensively. "I'm just trying to find the... Zipper, or connector, or... Something."
The Doctor stared at her. Twilight bit her lower lip nervously and pawed at the floor.
"... Are you a tiny slug driving a pony suit?"
"No."
"A tiny crab?" She asked.
"No!" The Doctor insisted.
"A blob?" Twilight tried.
"Twilight, breathe. Just breathe," he said. He took her hoof and placed it onto his face. "This is me, really! I'm-I'm a pony. A Gallifreyan pony. We came first."
"But-But we, I mean, Princess Celestia and Luna created our world and sun and moon..."
"Yes, they did a really great job with it too," the Doctor said as he looked over the TARDIS control panel. Twilight scowled.
"... Was that sarcasm?"
"No! No, not at all."
"Good. I hate sarcasm... Ooh... My head hurts..." Twilight groaned, rubbing her head.
"From the fact we came first? I'm not a slug?" The Doctor guessed.
"No! The tie," Twilight said.
"Why are you always on about the tie?" The Doctor sighed.
"It's just weird! You don't have anypony to dress up for," she said. The Doctor batted his eyes at her.
"Well, now I have you."
"Don't start with that again!" Twilight groaned. The Doctor checked in a mirror on the TARDIS control panel.
"Do I offend?" He asked.
"No, but it's just… Weird, all right?" Twilight asked.
"All right… Twilight Sparkle, student of Princess Celestia, I swear to you by the red forests of Gallopfrey and the moons of Skarro that I will not hit on you and I have no sexual interest in you whatsoever," Doctor Whoof said. Twilight narrowed her eyes.
"None?"
"Well don't sound so disappointed," the Doctor said.
"I'm not!" She growled.
"Good," the Doctor said. "Well! All of time and space is at our hooftips… So… What would you like to see first?"
Twilight Sparkle smiled back. "Surprise me."
The Doctor grinned. "We are going to get along just fine…"
As for where Derpy is? Ah... Well... You can write or draw your own conclusions.
