My Little Test Subject

by Lighthawk

Rating: teen
Tags: Adventure, Crossover, Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Other
Length: 8949

The Mandatory Perpetual Testing Initiative, Subsidiary Acquisition Program, Phase Alpha: The use of multi-dimensional portal technology to acquire new test subjects for Aperture Science's Enrichment Center. Test Subject Twilight Sparkle, acquire

The Mandatory Perpetual Testing Initiative, Subsidiary Acquisition Program, Phase Alpha: The use of multi-dimensional portal technology to acquire new test subjects for Aperture Science's Enrichment Center. Test Subject Twilight Sparkle, acquired.

Published 2013-04-03 20:50:02 UTC
Last updated 2013-04-19 20:05:37 UTC

Test Chamber 1

I awoke with the general sense that something wasn’t as it should be. For one thing I was rather cold, and the surface below me seemed far too hard and smooth for even my half asleep mind to confuse with a bed. There was also a somewhat alarming sense that the floor was moving, a very subtle vibration combined with a gentle rocking motion that…

BOOM!

Okay, so maybe not so subtle or so gentle. My eyes snapped open as the room ran into something. Yes, that is a fairly unlikely scenario, and a more sane sounding explanation would be that something had run into the room. After all, rooms are normally stationary, but even just coming into wakefulness I felt very certain about what my body’s kinesthetic sense was telling me.

The mobile room was an oddity in decoration as well. It was all done in white tile; the floor, the walls, the ceiling. There were no windows, though illumination was provided via a series of oddly glowing strips that ran along the perimeter of the ceiling. The unnaturally white light was of an artificial source I had never seen before, and would have been a subject of interest to explore under less alarming circumstances.

There was what I presumed to be a door set into the wall opposite of me. Like the room, its construction was unlike any aesthetic I was familiar with, being what seemed to be a metallic disk inside a circular frame with no obvious means to operate. Truth be told, the only reason I concluded it might be an entrance/exit was the simple lack of any other features that could possibly be one.

The real oddity however was a device hanging in one corner of the room. It was a bulky, egg shaped thing mounted on a bracket. Its casing was the same sterile white of the room décor, and it put me in mind of a telescope given the obvious glass lens positioned on the end facing me. How anypony was supposed to use it unless they were a pegasi was beyond me, and even then what could they look at given its orientation?

My curiosity engaged, I started towards the device in the hopes that a closer visual inspection might yield some clues as to its nature. As I moved however the device responded in kind, an odd whirring sound admitting from within as the entire casing tilted down, the frontal lens spinning as it remained oriented on my position. I froze as the idea that this…thing…was somehow watching me slammed into my brain. The room, which had merely seemed bizarre and alien before suddenly took on a sinister aspect to my perceptions.

Now I’m not normally a claustrophobic pony, but I think under the circumstances the sudden desire I had to leave the strange room and its assorted oddities could be taken as a perfectly rational reaction. Keeping one eye upon my mechanical watcher, I sidled over to what I now really hoped was a door, and inspected it for a means of operation.

As I did so I was scared nearly out from under my horn by a voice that rang through the room. It wasn’t really loud so much as it was all encompassing. It was vaguely feminine in tone, but spoken with an unsettling flatness. It was a voice devoid of emotion or inflection, something chillingly nonpony.

“Hello, and welcome to the Aperture Science Computer-Aided Enrichment Center. We are happy that you have volunteered for the Mandatory Perpetual Testing Initiative, Subsidiary Acquisition Program, Phase Alpha. For proper Test Subject documentation, please state your name, now…”

In response, I stared blankly in a vaguely upwards fashion as I tried to deduce where the voice was coming from.

“Documentation error detected. Resetting. Please state your name for the record, now…”

“Uh…Twilight Sparkle. What is…”

“Name documented. Test Subject Twilight Sparkle, please state your species, now…”

“Now hold on a moment here...”

“Documentation error detected. Resetting. Test Subject Twilight Sparkle, please state your species, now…”

I sighed in slowly mounting annoyance, but decided to play along for the moment. “Equus ferus unicoruis.”

“Test Subject species documented. Prepare for Basic Cognitive Evaluation.”

“Okay look, whoever you are, I demand to know…”

“Preparation Period expired, beginning evaluation. Two plus two equals…”

“…four,” I responded with some grouchiness. Trying to talk with the voice was getting me nowhere.

“Two times two equals…”

“ Also four.”

“Two squared…”

“Four!” I interrupted.

“The thirty-seventh digit of pi is…”

“Gee I wonder, could it be…four?” And I was in full sarcasm mode.

“This concludes the Basic Cognitive Evaluation.”

“Woo…now that we got that out of the way, maybe you could…”

“Testing may now commence, please enter the first Test Chamber, now.”

The door suddenly opened, the disc splitting down the middle as either half was retracted into its respective side of the wall with a hissing sound. Through the opening I could now see another room, rather similar to the one I was in, though a good deal larger. It also contained a few extra features.

There was a door perfectly opposite the one I was looking through, as well as another of the not-telescope devices hanging in a corner, its lens already oriented on me. Visually dominating the space however was the button. The big, red button. And when I say big, I really mean it, a pony could comfortably stand entirely upon the thing. The contrast of so much red against the stark whiteness of the room was so attention grabbing that it took me a moment to notice the remaining two features of the room. There was a short podium, little more than a light grey circular column really, with its own shiny red button set at its apex. And in the corner opposite the not-telescope, a glass sided tube hung down from the ceiling, capped on the bottom with a metallic hatch. Within the tube was a grey, pony sized cube.

“Please enter the first Test Chamber, now,” the voice repeated as I continued to stare, unmoving, into the new room.

“What if I refuse?” I asked petulantly, starting to get really annoyed with the entire situation.

“Please enter the first Test Chamber, now.” Was it my imagination, or had the voice actually had an inflection that time? It seemed almost, almost mind, annoyed.

“Make me.”

“Deploying Test Subject Motivational Wall.”

“…Motivational Wall?”

There was a booming clicking sound behind me, and I spun in shock at the noise. The sound echoed for a moment, before being drowned out by hissing that would have shamed a steam locomotive, and the far wall began to press into the room, squeezing the tiny space even smaller. Needless to say, I made a quick, mostly involuntary retreat of surprise at learning what a ‘Motivational Wall’ was. My shuffling steps carried me out of the room, and the door snapped shut right in front of my nose.

I stood there for a moment, my heart racing as I listened to the awful mechanics driving the wall, only slightly muffled by the intervening structure. There was a horrible crunching sound, and another boom that rattled the floor under my hooves as the wall finished its trip. I stared at the door as a dreadful sinking feeling settled into my stomach in response to the sudden wild imaginations running through my mind. I was just starting to realize how unpleasant of a situation I might really be in.

Turning from the door, I eyed its twin across the Test Chamber. With a steadying sigh, I started timidly across the room until I stood before the absurdly oversized button set into the floor. I reached out a hoof for it, but a pang of caution made me retract my limb before actually making contact. Instead I took a few steps back, and then reached out with my magic. I pressed down, and the button sank nearly half a hoof before I met any resistance. A chime rang through the room, and the door popped open.

“Huh, well that was easy.” I know, I have a bad habit of tempting fate. I let go of the button as I started for the opening, and there was a short buzz before the door snapped shut again. Rolling my eyes in annoyance, I reached back with my magic to reactivate the button. Another chime, and the door was open again.

I was just about to reach the exit when the buzzer sounded again, and the door slammed shut in my face. I frowned at it, glancing back to confirm that yes, I was still depressing the button.

“What the hay!” I demanded indignantly.

“Issuing Standard Apology Recording, Mark Four,” the voice paused for a second. “Apology Recording not found, activating Ad Libitum Program: So very sorry, but this is an Unacceptable Test Resolution Solution.”

“Oh come on!”

“Please follow proper Testing Guidelines.”

“I don’t know the ‘Testing Guidelines’!” Ah sarcasm, my good friend.

“Ignorance of the Testing Guidelines does not grant immunity for disobeying the Testing Guidelines. Failure to follow Testing Guidelines may result in disqualification of Testing Scores, followed by Test Subject Termination.”

“…termination?” I squeaked. I’m not proud of that, but that not so subtle threat was chilling, especially delivered as it was without so much as a hint of malice. It was simply stated with an unquestionable certainty. “Well then, could you explain them to me…please?”

“Request being processed. Request processed. One copy of Aperture Science: A Guideline for Fun and Safe Testing has been ordered, and shall be presented to subject Twilight Sparkle upon delivery. Estimated delivery time is four weeks, three days, and twelve hours.”

I stood there for a long moment as that sank in through the simmering fear. Then something snapped. Then I snapped.

“You expect me to just sit here for four weeks before I can read the stupid rule book for your dumb tests so that I don’t accidently do something that’ll get me killed!”

“Please continue testing.”

Well that answered that. My fear and annoyance boiled over into a sudden rage, and I eyed the Test Chamber, taking in the variables. My magic lashed out, stabbing down upon the button on the podium. The hatch on the glass tube opened like an iris with the smooth whisper of metal on metal, and I caught the cube before it had fallen even halfway to the floor. With what was probably more force than was strictly required I slammed the box down on the big red button hard enough that something popped loose and went whizzing across the room.

The chime sounded, and the door opened.

“Excellent work Test Subject Twilight Sparkle.”

“Damn right,” I scoffed at the door, the voice, and the Test Chamber at large. I marched on through the opening, and was brought up short as I nearly walked right through some kind of energy field stretched across the hallway beyond. It was an odd, shimmering curtain of bluish power that put me in mind of a gentling rippling pond.

“Please continue on to the Chamber Lock located at the end of each Test Chamber.”

“What is that?” I asked, pointing a hoof at the field. I didn’t question if the speaker of the voice could see me. It seemed perfectly aware of my activates thus far after all.

“Please continue on to the Chamber Lock located at the end of each Test Chamber,” The voice repeated.

“Bite my flank,” I muttered, leaning in to inspect the field. My horn lit as I reached out towards the energy, but came up empty. Whatever it was, it wasn’t any type of magic as I understood it. As far as my arcane senses were concerned, nothing was there.

“The potential hypnotic properties of the Aperture Science Material Emancipation Grill are not part of this Test Chamber,” the voice informed me. “Please continue on to the Chamber Lock located at the end of each Test Chamber.”

“Or what?” I demanded before my better judgment could have a say. I clapped a hoof over my treacherous mouth, but there was nothing I could do to bring back the words. The response I got however was not the one I was expecting.

Silence.

I stood waiting, my senses straining in anxious anticipation, but nothing happened. The voice remained quiet, and in its place a rather ominous silence swelled. I had never before felt so utterly scrutinized, and I couldn’t even articulate why I felt that way. But my mind was yelling at me that I was being examined like a bug under a microscope at that moment.

I dislike admitting it, but that silence defeated me. With a flash, I teleported to the other side of the Emancipation Grill, bypassing it completely before rushing through the door at the end of the hallway. I almost ran face first into the curved wall right after the door, not even processing in my panic that I had just entered the smallest room yet. It was just a cylinder a few steps wide, comprised on the grey metal that seemed to be the second favorite building material of Aperture Science, after plain white tiles.

The door slid shut behind me, trapping me inside. And then my stomach lurched, and the room began to move.

Test Chamber 2

The ride in the lift provided me with a moment of relative peace and quiet which I used to reflect on my situation and try to piece together a greater understanding of my circumstances. I had been ponynapped by some unknown individual or individuals on behalf of some unknown organization and brought to an unknown location to be subjected to some unknown testing process for unknown reasons.

I really needed to collect some better data.

The lift door opened onto yet another unimaginatively decorated room of white tile and grey metal. The new Test Chamber was several times larger than the previous. Walking onto the corner ledge immediately outside the lift, I found this especially applied to the up and down. Extra emphasis on the down, down, and again, down to where the floor had become little more than a white blur in the distance.

“Good news,” the voice spoke, and actually managed to sound like it was pleased despite the flat tone and nonexistent emphasis. “I have a surprise for you.”

“Could we possibly agree that I have had enough surprises for one day? Unless the surprise is that you’re letting me go, maybe you could hang onto it for later?”

“Deploying surprise in 3…2…1…”

And then there was pain. There was a lot of pain actually, of a degree and severity that I wasn’t really aware of anything else for a while. I wasn’t even properly aware of when the pain ended, because my mind had been so thoroughly scrambled by it that it took me a while to even recognize that the oddly rhythmic sensation in my chest was my heart beating. My vision returned after a moment more, blurred with tears, and I had to deduce that I had been screaming from the way my throat hurt, though for the life of me I could not recall making any noise.

I wanted to demand what the hay had just happened, but my mind was still working on restoring enough voluntary control of just my eyelids in order to blink away my tears, and couldn’t be yet bothered with my vocal cords.

“And to think, the scientists thought they’d never get a chance to use the Non-mutual Teleportation Exclusion Array Generator. Well, I suppose technically they were right.”

My brain was nice enough to document those words and file them away for later consideration, because it was some time before I even had enough presence of mind to get all four hooves under myself and stand up, never mind do any sort of actual thinking.

“Guess what, I have another surprise for you.”

“No!” I shrieked. Well tried to shriek. It might have come out as somewhat more of a harsh whisper, and muffled by a fit of violent coughing. Not that it really would have mattered.

“Don’t worry, I promise this time will be a real surprise.”

The floor in front of me split open, and I fell on my butt trying to jump back on my still wobbly legs. The white floor tiles lifted up on a set of hinges, and a plate of grey metal rose up from below to fill the gap. The plate brought with it four oddly shaped objects with it, and it took my addled mind a few seconds to put the details together enough to figure out what they were.

They were boots.

Though to be fair, they were unlike any boots I’d ever seen. Even Rarity had never come up with anything as bizarre as the hoofwear sitting before me. They were, and brace yourself for this shocker, white. They were also nearly half as tall as my legs, and each one possessed a semi-elliptical leaf spring attached to the back that curved under the slightly raised heel. The exterior gave an impression of being armored, while the interior was filled with some kind of padded insulation. I will admit, they were kind of impressive looking.

“This is very exciting,” the voice said. “The Aperture Science Long Fall Boots have yet to be tested outside of a bipedal configuration before. As you will have twice as much support, I figured we might as well start the testing at twice the recommended maximum fall distance.”

“No…absolutely not…there is no way you are going to get me to…” An unsettlingly familiar booming clicking sounded, and the wall beside me started to move. A glance back showed the lift door shut nice and tight, leaving me with only one direction to go.

Well you know, if I hadn’t been a freaking unicorn anyway.

My horn lit, and I visualized the interior of the lift even as I eyed the distance. A short hop with nothing but a metal door as an obstacle. I’d done more complicated teleports by complete accident. So one could well imagine my surprise when I cast the spell…and absolutely nothing happened. Well that’s not true, I did get a sudden headache as the spell energy fizzled and fed back through my horn, but other that I sure didn’t accomplish much. And then my brain regurgitated the info it had tucked into storage earlier, the bit about teleportation exclusion something-or-others.

The advancing wall bumped into me, and I pressed back against it frantically in some futile effort to make it stop. For the record, hooves and tiled floors do not make for good traction. I threw my magic at the wall, and for a single glorious second I actually managed to halt the thing. There was some hissing, a few thuds, and then something in the back there released in a violent bang that shot the wall forward like a released tension spring.

And I was falling. And screaming. And even though it hurt, I couldn’t seem to stop.

One of the Long Fall Boots tumbled past my head, and I seized it with my magic. The merciless acceleration of gravity was already pulling me through the air fast enough to make my mane billow in the approximation of a storm force gale as I jammed the boot on my right front hoof. The insides were indeed padded, rather cushy feeling actually, and the material seemed to mold itself to the shape of my hoof as soon as it was settled inside. One down, three to go.

The floor was looking less distance blurred already.

I spun my gaze around until I located a second boot, and I snagged it with another burst of magic. The wind tried to tear it out of my grasp, but I just clamped down harder and reeled it in. Left front hoof went into the boot, and I felt it reform to a proper fit.

And the floor was looking to be closer to me than the ceiling was.

The third boot came sailing in, aglow with the aura of my magic, and my right rear leg was fitted.

I could see the individual lines of each floor tile as they raced up to meet me.

The final boot came darting in like a diving bird of prey, and I spun it open end facing me even as I stretched out my left back leg towards it. The boot jammed onto my hoof with an impact that sent me spinning, and I started to flail in panic as it tipped me over upside down. For a dreadful moment I feared I had just killed myself in my haste as I plummeted head first to the ground.

And then the final boot finished tightening down, and I felt my hooves get yanked around hard. I got turned right side up in a violent half rotation and fixed in that orientation as if I had become a gyroscope. I’m not kidding, I don’t think I could have avoided landing on my hooves even if I’d tried.

And then I hit.

It was loud, and had a violent suddenness to it. The impact echoed up and down the Test Chamber, a not quite metallic ring. It did not however hurt. Not in the slightest. In fact, it felt like little more than if I had fallen a bit further than my own height. I stared down at the boots, and the dents left in the floor tiles. Then slowly I craned my head back, to look up, up, and still further up. I couldn’t even be certain where the lift entrance was anymore at that distance.

“Oh that was a good test,” the voice spoke into the silence as the echoes died away. “This one requires extra documentation in fact. Let’s see here…’Test Subject Twilight Sparkle showed an exceptional degree of lungpower’…there, very nice.”

I felt my left eyelid twitch. “You…you…you are…” I spluttered in mounting rage and indignity. “You heartless, sadistic, monstrous mother…”

“Please continue testing.”

I snarled something mostly unintelligible, and felt power surge to my horn. I turned, ready to blast a hole right through the wall. Not so much to escape, but just as a means to vent. I just barely stopped myself as my brain proved to be back on task and a thought flashed across my consciousness.

My magic had been blocked.

I had no idea how, but my teleportation spell had been rendered unusable. Whatever the means, it had not however interfered with my ability to use magic, merely that specific spell, and it had been countered just minutes after I had demonstrated it. I still had my telekinesis, though I had no idea if that was because I had been allowed to keep that use of my magic, or if that was because it couldn’t be blocked.

I let the magic drain out of me as I realized I couldn’t afford to freely show off what I could and could not do. An energy bolt was just a very concentrated and highly directional application of telekinesis after all. I could NOT afford to risk having that taken away from me. Maybe it wasn’t possible, but until I knew that for a fact, I had to assume it might be, and act accordingly. Which meant I couldn’t let it be known that the spell had a weaponized variation.

I was still fuming over everything, the ponynapping, the testing, being pushed off a cliff and then mocked for screaming over it. But I couldn’t let my emotions dictate my actions. Not in this situation. I took in a deep breath, lifting my right foreleg across my chest. I let it out, pushing forward with the limb as if waving away my anxiety. The familiar gesture felt a little off with the added weight of the boot, but I ran through the pattern a few times until I managed to reduce my anger down to a low simmer.

I would get my chance.

A quick survey of my surroundings found a hallway leading out of the main room, and I followed it, my discontent grumbling backed up by the steady clink clink clink of my new hoofwear upon the floor. A second, far less impressive room opened up at the other end of the hall, which held the doorway out of the Test Chamber. The door however was shut tight, and I didn’t see any ridiculously oversized buttons or cubes to open it with. Instead there was series of steps set in one corner that wound up and up and up to a platform right below the ceiling.

It wasn’t nearly as dizzyingly high as the previous room, but still more than several times higher than any non-pegasi would likely feel comfortable with. Not to mention high enough to make me groan at the thought of climbing that many stairs. I really needed to get outside and exercise more. No wait, check that. I needed to research a physical augmentation spell. Yes, that would be a much more practical approach.

Lacking either a strong, athletic build or the means to cheat that lack, I had to rely on good old fashion willpower and the patience to take my time. Even at a gradual walk however, I was feeling the burn and breathing harder than I would have liked by the time I finished the sadistic climb up. The stairs were unreasonably steep, each step high enough above the previous to really make a pony work at it. I had no doubt what so ever that whoever designed the Test Chambers was pure evil. Granted, that might have been the lactic acid in my muscles talking, but stairs really felt like an unnecessary petty cruelty.

I found my button at the top of those evil stairs, nice and shiny and red, sitting upon a dull grey podium. I was too tired to even try to lift a hoof that high, and let my magic do the work for me. There was a chime, and the sound of the door far below opening.

There was also an alarming ticking sound.

I suppose it speaks of my experiences with the Enrichment Center thus far that, without any hesitation at all, I flung myself bodily back down the stairs in alarm at that noise. Unnecessarily it turned out, as when the timer ran out nothing exploded. Instead there was a buzzer, and the clunk of the door snapping shut again. I lay sprawled out uncomfortably on the steps, wedged into the corner where my less than graceful leap had deposited me. The only good thing to be said was that my weary legs had not possessed the strength to really hurl myself down the stairs, and subsequently I had only suffered to fall down a single section of stairway before coming to a halt.

It still really hurt though.

Thanking Celestia that I hadn’t broken anything, and after taking several long moments to whimper silently to myself while the pain receded, I got back to my hooves and whimpered some more as I climbed back up the final stretch of steps again. I glared at the little red button for a bit, and then pressed it. The chime sounded, and I started counting as the timer ticked away. Buzz, snap, silence.

Fifteen seconds.

Way too little time to run back down. The solution of course was obvious, especially after such a thorough demonstration of my new boots’ capabilities in the previous room. Simple really, push the button, chime, and leap.

There was indeed a chime, only there was a distinct lack of air rushing by my head. There also seemed to have been a total lack of leaping involved. In fact upon closer examination, my hooves were unquestionably still rooted firmly in place upon the platform. The buzzer sounded.

Alright, that’s fine. Clearly while my brain knew that the boots could and would protect me from harm, it’s not so simple a thing to just ignore a hardwired instinct, especially one of self-preservation. Jumping from a great height is not a normal pony activity, pegasi excluded obviously. It was only natural to be afraid.

Knowledge however is the banisher of fear. I knew the boots worked, and had worked for a height much greater than this. I could jump and be perfectly unharmed. This test had clearly been set up to demonstrate that fact, and the terror from my previous, involuntary fall would have no place here in this planned jump. Rational logic, bane of instinctual fear.

Button, chime, leap…leap…aaaaaand…leap!

Buzz.

Okay, okay, just getting the nerves out. Nothing to this at all. I just have to push the button and jump. Let gravity do the rest. Ah gravity, I can always count on you, for good or for ill, you’ll always have my back. And right now, you are going to be my best friend. Just push the button and…

Chime.

…

Buzz.

Alright, I am over thinking this. Too much time to think, just do it and go.

Chime.

Buzz.

Argh! Why is this so hard? I know I’ll be fine! Come on Twilight, you can do this! Jump!

No wait, button first, button first! Nooooooo!

I lashed out with my magic, striking wildly around the podium even as gravity, that cruel, evil, arch-nemesis of mine, grabbed hold of my body and started dragging me down. I put several large dents in the metal cylinder, but just before it was yanked entirely from my sight I managed to get my aim in, and the glorious sound of the door chime going off rang through the Test Chamber.

The fall was actually amazingly short, all things considered. I landed square and solid on all four legs, barely even feeling the deceleration. Ha! Knew I could…

Buzz!

With a shriek I hurled myself through the door even as it snapped shut, nearly taking my tail as it did. Truth be told though, I would have sooner lost the hair than climb those steps and face that leap again. No way in Tartarus I was going to do that all over. Getting to the end of the Test Chamber however left me with another issue.

The Emancipation Grill.

It shimmered before me, playing at being all friendly and nonthreatening with its cool blue hue and wavy water pattern effect. I didn’t buy it, not a second. Unfortunately I didn’t exactly have much of a choice. The door was closed shut behind me, and my teleportation spell was out of commission. The only way was forward, and forward went right through the unknown energy field.

“Can I ask what an Emancipation Grill does?” I sounded pretty tired, even to myself at that moment.

“You may,” the voice answered crisply.

I waited for more, and then let out a very long, very annoyed sigh.

“What does an Emancipation Grill do?” I asked in a grating monotone.

“The Aperture Science Material Emancipation Grill ensures that test subjects cannot smuggle test items out of their respective Test Chambers. Any unauthorized items that pass through an Aperture Science Material Emancipation Grill will be vaporized.”

“Of course they will, how could I have not realized that?” I muttered to myself as I continued to stare at the Grill and wait to be told to ‘proceed to the Chamber Lock’ or whatever. I could see the lift just on the other side of the energy field. I pulled off one of the boots and gently tossed it at the Emancipation Grill.

It sailed on through without any effect at all.

Having thus exhausted my available means of investigating the energy field; okay yes I could have thrown the other boots through, as would be the proper scientific approach, repeating the experiment and all that. I was just too worn down to care however, and really, I was rather reaching if I was to call that any kind of scientific testing. I had no instrumentation, no documentation, and absolutely no objectivity. Plus I had to take into account my watcher and her ability to control my environment, meaning I probably couldn’t even truly count on things to remain consistent.

So I took the plunge, and wobbled unsteadily on my three booted legs on through the Grill. It tingled in a not quite unpleasant fashion, and was nice enough to not vaporize me. I retrieved my test boot, slipped it back on, and slowly made my way into the lift. Inside I laid down as the doors shut, closing my eyes for however long I had until it reached the next Test Chamber.

Test Chamber 3

I opened my eyes rather reluctantly as the lift slid to a halt. The floor wasn’t particularly comfortable, and was more than a little cold, but I remained curled up against the rounded back wall of the conveyance anyway. The door opened onto a hallway that took a sharp right turn just a few strides in. I considered it for a moment, then closed my eyes again and childishly wished for it to all go away.

“Who’s ready for more testing?” my tormentor asked cheerily. That got my attention a bit; it was subtle, but her tone definitely held a hint of joyous emotion. The inflections were all wrong though, emphasis being placed oddly and somewhat randomly into the sentence as if the speaker wasn’t certain how to use it.

“Mmph,” I grunted, tucking my head under a leg.

“Oh come on,” the voice cajoled, rather unconvincingly given the cold harshness inherent to its tone. The actual words themselves weren’t much better. “This next test contains only trace elements of lethality. Consider it a chance to catch your breath after expelling so much of it in the last Test Chamber.”

“Go away,” I muttered sullenly.

“You know, most Test Subjects don’t start resorting to hiding in the Chamber Lock until at least the sixth Test Chamber. But I suppose you wouldn’t care about being grouped in with the lowest one percentile.”

Despite myself, my ear twitched at that. I cracked open one eye to stare out of the doorway.

“Yes, I thought so. Shame really, you were doing so well. But it looks like I’m going to have to just go ahead and file your record under Sub Average.” That time she got the emphasis on the mark.

My cheek ticked, and I had to grind my teeth to stop it. I squeezed my eyes shut and willed myself to ignore her.

“It’s a pretty empty file in there. Only three other test Subjects have ever scored this low before. Even that one guy in the wheelchair managed to get himself a Nearly Average rating.”

I clamped my forehooves over my ears. I wasn’t listening, I wasn’t listening…

“Just think, this is to be your documented legacy. Test Subject Twilight Sparkle, expired in the third Chamber Lock from gradual dehydration, and received an unsatisfactory score. Un.Satis.Factory. Maybe I’ll just leave your desiccated body in there afterwards, as an example to all other Test Subjects who will certainly be inspired to do much, much better than…”

“Alright! Alright!” I screamed, slamming my hooves on the floor. I got up, breathing far harder than should have been necessary, and stomped my way out of the lift. “Just shut up and watch me! I’m going to test this Chamber so hard it’ll spontaneously solve the next ten!”

The bend in the hall led to another turn, and then another, rather pointlessly describing a half loop that wound me back around to where the actual Test Chamber lay waiting. A straight shot from the lift to the Chamber would have placed me in exactly the same location with less than half as much distance wasted. Then again, it was probably a pretty diseased mind that had designed this place.

The Test Chamber was a modest sized room, done in the standard Aperture Science Plain Boring White Tile, with a standard Aperture Science Minimalist Podium in the middle. A few standard Aperture Science Telescope Impersonating Devices hung about near the ceiling, their beady little glass eyes watching me. And there was the standard Aperture Science Overly Engineered Door, which would no doubt be opened by the standard Aperture Science Compensating For Something Big Red Button, activated by the Aperture Science Square Peg For A Round Hole Cube.

I felt a little better after running that much sarcasm through my thought processes.

Shock and amazement, but there were some new features to be seen actually. The first was not exactly exciting and unique mind, but still something new to the design aesthetic thus far. There was…some glass walls. They divided the room up into four separate locations, the main area with me and the podium, and then a separate space each for the door, button, and cube. As far as I could see, there was no means of access between any of the spaces. Each pane of glass did have a round hole cut into its center, though the diameter was too small to fit more than a hoof through.

The second new thing did catch and hold my attention. It was…I had no idea whatsoever. It was some kind of mechanical tube thing with an almost insect feel to its shape and design. It was slightly bulbous at one end, while the opposite side had a trio of thin, articulated structures with wires running back into the other end. It was white, naturally, though parts of it were constructed of a greyish black metal. The whole thing wasn’t quite as long as one of my legs. It was balanced neatly upon the podium in the middle of the Test Chamber, clearly placed to make it impossible not to notice.

I ignored it on basic principle.

Walking up to one of the glass walls, I peered through at the cube on the other side and considered the situation. There was no way I could fit the box through the small hole in the wall. I supposed I could smash it up with my magic and pull through the pieces, but that still would leave the issue of me fitting through the hole leading to the door. Of course if smashing things was to be considered a solution, and in my current mind set smashing seemed like a wonderful potential solution, then obviously the walls themselves made much more sense.

Eager as I was to vent, I still wasn’t too keen on the idea of kicking a huge pane of glass in order to break it. Last thing I needed was a nice long gash to bleed out from while my tormenter watched and told me how bleeding all over the floor was detrimental to my testing scores. So I took the more practical approach, and shoved at the glass with my magic.

Nothing happened.

Not the same type of nothing as when my teleportation failed. The spell went off this time, it just wasn’t strong enough. The glass glowed liked anything else I’ve ever tried to move with my horn, but it outright laughed at my efforts to break it. I pushed and twisted at it in an attempt to start a crack, pouring more and more of my power into the effort. I could hear the floor and ceiling groan where the walls connected, could see the tiles shudder and shift slightly under the strain, but nothing gave away.

Releasing the spell with a gasp of spent effort, I stared in amazement at the still perfectly intact glass. That just couldn’t be. I could easily see the thickness of the glass where the walls met, and even without any sort of measuring device I knew they couldn’t be more than a few centimeters. There was just no way a wall of glass that big and that thin should have been able to have held against even a fraction of the force I had just thrown at it. Which lead me to realize that I might be making an unfounded assumption.

Walking up to the wall, I tapped it. Instead of the dull chime of secured glass, the hard edge of my boot elicited a muffled thud of a sound upon impact. I found myself unwillingly impressed, my mind automatically wandering down chains of thought as to the numerous advances such a substance might allow. If nothing else, the simple safety factor it held over regular glass would a notable improvement. The number of beakers and vials I had broken over the years…I found myself wondering how the stuff would react to an open flame.

Unfortunately I couldn’t afford to be demonstrating any feats of pyrokinesis, just as I couldn’t afford to see if the wall could resist an energy bolt either. I honestly didn’t want to solve the stupid test the way whoever had designed it intended it to be solved, but the situation wasn’t dire enough for me to be giving away my secrets to get around it. So no energy bolts, and no fire…at least not until I had a more worthy target.

Whoa, that was kind of a dark thought.

Shaking it off, I turned my attention to the Aperture Science thing-I-don't-know-what-it-is. It came off the podium easily enough with a gentle lift of my magic, and I held my breath waiting to see what might happen next.

“Congratulations,” the voice spoke. “You are now, finally, in possession of the Aperture Science Dual Portal Device. With it you may create linked inter-dimensional gateways. Please note that while the Portal Generating Singularity has an estimated working life functionality of nine to the two-hundred and thirty second power years, the Singularity Containment Unit does not. If at any time you feel that the Device is getting heavier, or that your perception of spacetime is in anyway being gravitationally distorted, please place the device on the floor, proceed to the furthest point of the Test Chamber opposite the Device, lay down, and attempt to make peace with whichever deity or deities you may believe in. If you are an atheist, you are permitted to cry about the horror of your soon to be non-existence without it affecting your final test score.”

“Do I get any bonus points if I don’t cry about it?” I asked snarkily, trying not to show any trepidation I may or may not have been feeling at knowing I was apparently holding a machine that was supposedly being powered by an internally contained black hole. I really wasn’t sure what to believe in that regard, but decided that erring on the side of caution seemed the wiser course of action.

“Any scoring beyond the established test parameters will first have to pass an Aperture Science Testing Evolution Board. Meetings of the Board have recently become…infrequent.”

Well, that wasn’t a completely ominous pause there, no sir. My mind was more on the Aperture Science Potential Doomsday Device though, so I just let the comment slide. There was a pair of buttons inside a depression on what I was assuming was the backside of the Portal Device, each of which was lit up from within, one orange, and one blue.

“I don’t suppose this thing comes with an instruction manual, does it?”

“Request being processed. Request processed. One copy of the Aperture Science Testing Equipment Guide has been ordered, and shall be presented to subject Twilight Sparkle…”

“Yeah okay, never mind,” I interrupted with a growl. Seeing little else to do, I pointed what I hoped was the operational end of the Portal Device at one of the Test Chamber walls and pressed the blue button. The thing bucked lightly in my magical hold and made a sound somewhat like compressed air being released. A bolt of energy sped across the room from the now confirmed operational end, and where it struck the wall a shimmering oval of bluish light sprang into existence.

I really didn’t know what to make of it. The oval was roughly my own height along the minor axis, and twice that along the major, which was also the vertical axis. I guessed it looked like a portal, though where to I had no idea and no real eagerness to find out. I still had another button to test, which seemed like a good rational to avoid the situation with, at least temporarily. So I pointed the Device at another empty expanse of wall, and pressed the orange button.

The Portal Device once again recoiled, another bolt of energy streaking across the room, splattering an oval of identical shape and size to the first, though of a different hue. As it formed though both it and its predecessor transformed from solid walls of color into…well actual portals. They were ringed by a glowing band of their respective color, but the center of each was an open hole right through the wall they rested upon.

Only the holes didn’t go through to the other side of the wall. They went to each other somehow. Looking in through the orange portal, I could see myself as if looking out the blue. My gaze swung over to said blue portal, and I could see myself as if looking out the orange. I may have repeated that a few times as my mind reeled from the implications of what I was seeing.

It was hard to properly comprehend the absurdly casual manner in which the Device had just told reality to sit down and shut up. Too hard really, as my mind was digging in its heels as far as accepting what I was seeing. Seeing just wasn’t enough, not for this.

Pulling the Device in closer so I could aim it better, I placed another blue portal right near the corner of the room, and blinked in surprise as the existing blue portal winked shut. Moving slowly, I shuffled around to get a clear shot, and placed an orange portal upon the opposite wall in the same corner. Just as with the blue, the old orange portal vanished as the new one appeared, leaving me boggling at whether that was a feature of the Device, or a limitation of the technology, and just how either one could possibly be explained.

In something of a daze, I walked up to the corner where the two portals hung at right angles to each other, edges nearly touching. As I approached I could see myself appear in either portal, looking more than a little dumbstruck. I just stood there, looking at myself who was looking back at myself as the portals hummed contentedly.

“The Aperture Science Dual Portal Device has not been cleared for use as a cosmetic aid at this time,” the voice announced after a while, something almost like sarcasm in the erratic tone. “If at any time the physical appearance of the Test Subject becomes part of the Testing Process, the Enrichment Center will be sure to provide a mirrored surface for use.”

I ignored her, and slowly reached out a hoof towards the blue portal. Crossing the threshold was amazingly unremarkable. There was no resistance, no sensation, nothing to signal the fact that my hoof should have hit and been stopped by the wall several centimeters ago. I saw my own hoof coming out of the orange portal, and felt a momentary wave of dizziness at the absurdity of it all. There was just so much that was impossible about what was happening, and yet I just kept going, right until I poked myself in the side.

I let out a startled little ‘meep’ of surprise as I felt me poke myself, and realized just how much my brain had been rejecting the conclusion it had drawn from the presented facts. I could feel myself still fighting it, still trying to rationalize it away. It was just impossible, and yet…

I took a step, and then another, and then another. I held my breath as I walked through the portal, and stared in amazement as I watched myself walking through the portal as I came out the other one, my backside crossing in front of my face before I came to a halt right back where I had been standing a second before. My throat let out a little laugh of disbelief.

I glanced over at the hovering Portal Device, and couldn’t help but feel awe at the technology being cradled within my magic. I thought that maybe, maybe I could recreate the basic results of the Device magically. Though it would probably take an entire room’s worth of foci and runic symbols, per portal, and even putting all my power into it, I probably wouldn’t be able to keep the portals open more than a few seconds. And they would have to be precisely placed and angled to ensure a clean transit. And they couldn’t be moved without moving the entire room. And probably wouldn’t be able to transmit anything solid more than a few dozen meters.

I unconsciously cradled the Portal Device a bit closer to myself, wondering just who these ponies were that they could so nonchalantly hand over what had to be a literally priceless technological marvel. How could they possibly trust me with something so valuable? Especially in a setting as hazardous as the Enrichment Center. It didn’t take much for my imagination to paint me a picture of the previous Test Chamber, and the Device falling from my grip as I flailed desperately for the Long Fall Boots, leaving the Portal Device to shatter into a million pieces upon the floor.

And then for the singularity within to begin to devour the Test Chamber as it was unleashed, my little imaginary me screaming as she fell towards the voracious void ripping the Enrichment Center to pieces…

I blinked down at the Portal Device, and felt a sudden mad urge to fling the thing as far as possible away from me even as I was hit with the conflicting urge to keep holding onto it as hard as possible. Never mind the value of the thing, how could they be so insane as to hand me something that might just have the power to destroy their entire facility if handled improperly? What kind of madponies were these Enrichment scientists?

“Just a helpful hint,” the voice said. “While the current Test Chamber is not timed, the following one is. Since you seem to need the motivation, I’ve gone ahead and started that timer already. So you might want to hurry unless you don’t mind failing the next Chamber before you even reach it. That would definitely reflect badly on your…final score.”

Stifling a groan of annoyance, I hefted the Portal Device over to the first of the not-really-glass walls, and aimed through the opening cut in the center. I placed a blue portal against the wall within, and deftly picked up the cube resting nearby with my magic, gliding it easily on through the blue portal and out of the orange one still resting in the corner of the main section of the room.

Turning around, I sent the blue portal through the hole in the opposite clear wall, opening that gateway next to the big red button. I glanced back at the cube, gathering it up and pushing it through the orange and out the blue, landing it onto said waiting button. A now familiar chime sounded, and the doorway opened. Once more I spun, aimed, and relocated the blue portal a final time, placing it against the wall besides the door. That done I hoisted the Device up against my side, and marched on over to and through the orange portal, experiencing a temporary moment of disorientation as I suddenly appeared on the other side of the same room I had just stepped out of. It was sort of akin to Teleportation Dislocation, the momentary loss of one’s spatial awareness as one’s mind tried to figure out just where one was.

It’d been a while since the last time teleporting had done that to me, but the feeling was familiar enough that I shook it off pretty quickly, turning for the door and the Chamber Lock beyond.

“It should be noted that when passing through an Aperture Science Material Emancipation Grill, the Aperture Science Dual Portal Device will deactivate any existing portals,” the voice informed me as I walked through the afore mentioned Grill. “It may also, in semi-rare cases, emit brief bursts of gamma radiation. Please be sure to plan any portal transits and medical appointments accordingly.”

I stopped, closed my eyes, and told myself very slowly and very firmly to ignore the sudden prickling sensation that swept over my skin. That was not a result to being irradiated, it was merely a psychosomatic reaction to the idea of possibly being irradiated. Also likely a symptom of the steadily increasing sense of anger and dislike I was festering towards my test supervisor and her little comments.

It didn’t really help, but I started back up anyway. Nothing to be gained by standing around doing nothing, especially if the next Chamber really was on an already running timer. I climbed into the lift, holding gently but firmly onto the machine that seemed equally as likely to kill me as help me, and tried not to think of all the horrible things I’d do if I ever got my hooves on the ponies responsible for all this.

I hadn’t quite managed before the doors shut and the lift started moving.