Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash Kill Things With Weapons

by Zalekai

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Random, Pinkie Pie, Gore, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Rainbow Dash, Other
Length: 2727

Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash Kill Things... With Weapons.

When Pinkie gets help from Rainbow Dash for a sugar deal, things go south, fast.

"Sometimes, shit gets real at the exact moment it hits the fan." - Some random scrub who plays bass.

Published 2013-04-05 06:00:02 UTC
Last updated 2013-04-05 06:00:02 UTC

The Shit Flying Around the Room is Real, and It's Flying Because It Hit the Fan

"Why do we have to wear these giant trench coats Pinkie?" Rainbow Dash asked in a hushed tone, slightly annoyed at the massive piece of clothing covering her body.

Pinkie sighed as she approached a large warehouse, just beside a large river in Lower-Baltimare. The midnight moon reflected off of the flowing water, creating a large circle of white in the city's river. Dim street lamps were the only thing guiding the paths of the two Elements of Harmony, but Pinkie knew exactly where she was going. The pink party mare had recently set up a deal with some of Stalliongrad's finest sugar-producers. The good stuff. None of that kiddie shit. The kind of sugar that would get a rush going after just a small brownie.

"Because, silly. It's to hide the M16, two Glocks, and hatchet I gave you earlier!" Pinkie Pie replied in a cheerful tone.

Rainbow Dash paused for a moment and shrugged.

"Alright then..." she said, for some reason completely OK with the fact that she was packing Military-Grade Hardware.

Several more steps echoed through the shipyard that lie next to the glowing river, and the two finally reached their destination. Pinkie checked her surroundings to make sure nopony else had followed, besides her trusty rainbow-maned companion. Thankfully, she was clear. Wouldn't want Twilight or somepony equally as judgmental to know she was doing anything shady. She had a reputation to uphold after all.

After making sure her ass was clear, she pushed open the rusty, metal door of the warehouse, it's old hinges belting a loud shriek as the entrance was opened. Rainbow Dash cringed as the sound made it's way to her ears. It sounded like nails on a chalkboard, amplified through a 6 Million Watt speaker, then covered by Barbra Streisand a few years after it's release.

"Pinkie... Do I have to do this?I mean, you seem capable for this kind of... job." Rainbow Dash asked, her annoyance finally reaching it's breaking point.

Rainbow was always slightly irritated by Pinkie's antics, but something about this one sent pin-needles into Dash's brain. She had been so secretive since they left Sugar Cube Corner, only mumbling to herself and constantly checking the weapons under her own trench coat.

"Yes. I reallllllly need your help on this one, Dashie. You're the only pony I can trust with it!" Pinkie said, looking back to her friend with puppy-dog eyes, and a forced frown.

Dash rolled her eyes and sighed. Anything was better than dealing with Pinkie's pout face. She nodded reluctantly, causing the pink party mare's face to flash a bright smile before sliding inside of the dark warehouse.

A thick blanket of darkness enveloped most of the room, allowing only silhouettes of the objects scattered about to be seen. It was a typical warehouse, crates everywhere, different machines that do different things that are run by different ponies who all run different lives and are married to other different ponies who could be cheating on them with more different ponies and causing mass hysteria for the pony working the machine in the first place and therefor allowing the writer of this fanfiction to extend a paragraph that he thought looked too short.

Pinkie looked around the warehouse cautiously as she slowly stepped across the concrete floor, approaching the middle of the room. After a few steps, she looked back to Rainbow Dash, who was staring at a wall absentmindedly.

"Dashie!" she said in a hushed tone, trying to grab the rainbow pony's expression.

Rainbow Dash's pupils grew huge for a moment in alarm as her name was called, but she calmed and snapped back to Pinkie a second later.

"What?!" she asked sharply, annoyed at being snapped out of her gracious daze.

"Say the line." Pinkie said quietly, scanning the darkness of the warehouse one extra time

"What?! No! I thought you were kidding!"

"It can't start unless you say the line!"

"No. It's ridiculous."

Pinkie turned to Dash slowly, and began forcing a frown on to her face. Dash sighed and hung her head for a moment, before aiming her neck upwards and cupping her hooves around her mouth.

"HEY, YO! CELESTIA SUCKS DICK!" she shouted at the top of her lungs.

"But Luna lives forever..." a grim, scratchy, stallion's voice said in response form across the room.

Suddenly, light flooded the entire warehouse, causing Pinkie and Rainbow Dash to shield their eyes for a moment, as several armed stallions came out from behind the various crates scattered about. Nothing shady at all. One burly-looking earth stallion approached Pinkie, a large, heavy machine gun in his hooves. A tall, slender pony walked beside him, carrying a white package on his back.

"Got the stuff...?" Pinkie asked, eyeing the package on the slender pony's back.

The pony nodded slowly, before narrowing his eyebrows and pointing a hoof towards Rainbow Dash, who was again, staring absentmindedly at another wall.

"Who the hell is that?" he asked, a thick accent over his raspy voice.

"Oh... Her? She's n-nopony. Just, a friend. She won't rat." Pinkie said, a bead of sweat forming on her brow.

The slender pony's lip twitched for a moment, and his nostrils flared, but he gave a single nod a moment later.

"Alright... You got the bits?" he asked.

Pinkie nodded, and reached into her trench coat, careful not to reveal the "toys" she had stashed before leaving Sugar Cube Corner.

"Right here..." she said, retrieving a medium-sized leather bag, and tossing it at the hooves of the slender pony.

He looked quizzically at the bag for a moment, his eyebrow raised in confusion. The tall stallion reached a hoof down, and snatched the bag from the ground, still eyeing it precariously. The sweat from Pinkie's brow quickly began sliding down the side of her face as the pony continued to examine the sack. It was all there, why was he being so suspicious?

The pony continued eyeing the small bag for several seconds. Sniffing it, twirling it in his hoof, opening it to examine the bits, rubbing it on his face, whispering sweet nothings to it... But something was off. Pinkie was shaking in fear by this point. She was worried she might actually have to use the weapons her and Rainbow had brought. After a few more seconds, the pony slowly brought his eyes up to hers, and growled.

"This is WAY more than I'm asking for!" he said sharply.

Without warning, the pony chucked the bag back to Pinkie, hitting her in the face, and causing it to explode, showering the concrete floor of the warehouse in shiny gold bits. She stumbled backwards for a moment, as the slender pony dived frantically behind cover, his henchmen readying for battle.

The distinct click of a cocking weapon brought Pinkie right back to her senses, and allowed her to regain her blurred vision from the surprise attack. In front of her, were over 20 stallions, all readied for battle, their weapons fixed right on her head. She sighed and looked to the ground.

"Nothing's ever simple... Is it?" she asked with a slight smirk.

The henchmen tightened their grips on the weapons in their hooves, and prepared for battle as Pinkie continued staring at the floor, tension growing in the room, anger boiling in the pink pony's veins. Every time she tried to do something remotely illegal, something like this happened. It always had to end in a gun fight, blood spilled, and more murder on her mind. Why? Why did every ingredient she tried to collect end in tragedy? She was fed up with it... And it was time for no remorse. The twin 44. Magnums under her coat were hungry for blood, and she was sure as shit going to quench the their thirst.

With split-second speed that only Pinkie Pie could have, she ripped open the trench coat, and grabbed the two shining revolvers belted to her sides. Using her back legs, she was able to springboard backwards as the henchmen opened fire. It was no use, PInkie was a seasoned veteran when it came to a gunfight. She unleashed a barrage of fire from both magnums as she flew backwards, ponies falling dead as blood sprayed across the floor of the warehouse. After several ponies had been dropped, both weapons in Pinkie's hooves clicked, and she landed on her back near cover.

Nearby, Rainbow Dash quickly reacted to the barrage of gunfire echoing throughout the warehouse, and ducked behind a nearby crate. She fumbled around under her trench coat, and reached for the largest weapon she could find, her M16. The fast flier had never handled a weapon before, but she figured it wasn't anything more than pulling the trigger and making bad guys disappear. Before she began firing however, she wanted to make sure Pinkie was safe. Her eyes frantically scanned the area of the warehouse she could see, searching for any sign of her bubbly friend. She spotted her after a few moments, perched up against a small metal crate, quickly reloading her magnums.

"Pinkie! What happened?!" she shouted over the roar of gunfire from the henchmen.

"THE TURKEY GOT COLD!" Pinkie shouted in response, retreating from cover momentarily to fire off a few rounds.

Screams from a few henchmen sounded, followed by the sound of bodies hitting the floor. Pinkie smirked at her accuracy, and dove back into cover, more bullets whizzing past her.

"What?! What does that even mean?!" Rainbow Dash screamed.

"JUST SHOOT!" Pinkie replied.

Dash shook her head and retreated from her own cover for a moment, and readied the assault rifle in her hooves. She briefly went over what Pinkie had told her; hold your breath, tighten your grip, and pull the trigger. Or it was some shit like that. It's hard for a mind to process when bullets are flying past it.

Rainbow screamed as pure-adrenaline filled her veins, and she pulled the trigger with as much force as her hooves would let her. A lengthy stream of bullets left the muzzle of the rifle, in sync with several bright flashes of light, and an ear-shattering boom. The weapon kicked at Dash's shoulder, but her adrenaline allowed her to keep a firm grasp of the rifle. Nearby, the bullets met one of the henchmen, and spastically sent them to the ground, blood flying across the warehouse.

"Ha! Pinkie! I got one!" she shouted, ducking back in to cover.

"Congratulations! I've got about a thousand!" PInkie replied, firing a few dumb rounds into the warehouse.

Rainbow's heart quickly dropped in her chest. Her friend had done this before?

"SAY WHAT?!" the rainbow-maned pegasus asked.

"Nothing! Just... Keep shooting!" the pistol-wielding mare shouted in return.

Rainbow shook her head and retreated from cover to fire once more. She was getting real tired of Pinkie's shit...

Pinkie continued firing at the henchmen blindly, but she wasn't making any direct progress. It was time to use the skills she had learned over years of underground spice-deals. Ripping the trench coat the rest of the way off, she was able to holster one of her beloved magnums, and retrieve her own hatchet, identical to the one Rainbow had been carrying. With a deep breath and a quick second of mental preparation, she dove forward out of cover, and over the crate into enemy fire. A few feet in front of her was one of the henchmen, blindly firing an AK-47 in an attempt to hit her. She would've chuckled at his feeble attempt to "touch this", but there was no time, she had several asses to kick, and not a lot of time to do it.

She landed with a roll in front of the henchmen, and sprang upwards, the hatchet aimed right for the underside of the pony's neck. It met with a sharp slice, splitting the skin of the pony, and causing blood to shower from the newly-opened wound. Pulling the hatchet out, she threw the pony to the side, and sent a bullet into his skull for good measure as he hit the ground. Pinkie then focused her attention to two more henchmen, distracted by Rainbow Dash's fire. She smirked and charged forwards as the oblivious ponies continued their stream of fire, and lunged at the closest one, hatched extended.

The mare landed and latched herself onto the henchman, burying the hatchet in his neck, and taking his rifle in her free hoof. She kicked him away, hatched still deep in his jugular, and landed on the ground before unleashing a barrage of fire at the other stallion, causing a massive spray of blood to paint the crate behind him as he fell to the ground.

Rainbow Dash watched in awe as Pinkie moved, slaughtering three ponies in a row, a smile on her face. There was something about it... The smoothness... The swiftness... The coolness... Rainbow couldn't believe she hadn't seen it sooner, but her friend was a bonafide badass.

"Move up, Dashie!" Pinkie shouted, diving into cover as the remaining ponies continued firing at the two.

Rainbow snapped back and nodded, rolling out of cover, and charging forward, her head low to avoid taking a bullet. After a few feet, she propped herself against a large wooden crate, and looked to Pinkie across the floor of the warehouse.

"How many are left?!" Rainbow shouted.

Pinkie narrowed her eyebrows in thought, and fired a blind bullet into the crowd of henchmen, eliciting a loud screech of pain.

"5, I think!" Pinkie shouted in return.

Rainbow nodded and began reloading the weapon in her hooves, as Pinkie did the same.

"You ready, Dashie?!" Pinkie called as she flicked the revolving clip back into the chamber.

"Aim for the bushes..." Dash said in a low-tone.

Pinkie paused for a moment and raised an eyerbrow.

"What?" she asked, confused.

"Just... Nothing. Go!" Rainbow said, shaking her head.

Pinkie shrugged, but readied her weapon anyway as Rainbow Dash did the same. The two mares dove out of cover simultaneously, firing their weapons at the remaining henchmen, and spilling gallons of crimson blood across the warehouse. When Rainbow's clip ran out of ammunition, she simply tossed the weapon at the two remaining stallions, where it promptly exploded in a massive ball of fire, and turned the henchmen to giblets.

Pinkie and Rainbow landed on the ground, sending a small cloud of dust from the floor into the air as the two panted in exhaustion from being gangsta as fuck.

Their reflection was cut short however, as a familiar slender pony slowly stood up from behind cover, both hooves in the air shaking, and a terrified expression on his face. Pinkie and Rainbow quickly made their way back to their hooves, weapons fixed on the pony who had started the gun fight.

"Stay right there, punk..." Pinkie said, her revolver held steadily outwards, fixated on the pony's skull.

"J-Just, take the sugar! Take it, and please don't kill me!" he said frantically.

Dash smirked and looked to Pinkie.

"What do you say?" she asked.

Pinkie gave no response, but simply pulled the trigger, and sent a bullet right through the skull of the slender pony. Blood flew and painted the wall behind him, as he dumbly stumbled a few feet before falling dead on the ground, dropping the sugar pack right at Pinkie's hooves. She smirked and looked to rainbow, who's jaw was wide open in disbelief.

"Why'd you kill him?! We could've just taken the sugar!" Dash asked worriedly.

"Donuts don't wear alligator shoes." Pinkie replied.

* * *

Back at Sugar Cube Corner, Rainbow Dash was gathering ingredients for Pinkie's next batch of amazing cupcakes, specifically, the sugar they had fought for in Baltimare. The rainbow pegasus set several items down on the counter next to the oven, while Pinkie began turning various nobs for preheating and such.

"Alright, let's see here... Sugar, of course... Milk... Eggs.... Oh no." Rainbow said, looking over her ingredients.

Pinkie stopped dead, and slowly turned to her friend.

"What?" she asked worriedly.

"We... Forgot flour..." Rainbow said quietly.

The pink party pony smiled, and brought her 44. Magnum into view, and cocked the hammer.

"Well then... Let's go shopping."

The End