Today was your funeral.
It rained incredibly hard the entire day; it's still raining now as I write this. Plenty of thunder and lightning; it's the worst storm I've seen in Ponyville since the day Applejack and Rarity got stuck at the library. At first, I thought it was terribly insensitive of them- every time lightning flashed, I'd think of your cutie mark, and there was a lot of lightning. But over time, I began to think of it at the weather team's own private way of mourning- not all of them could be there, and if they couldn't cry for you, they'd make the sky cry.
Rarity was so upset about the rain- she spent a lot of time on your dress, and she didn't want the fabric to get ruined by the water. I yelled a lot of nasty things to her for that- about how shallow she was being, to care about dresses when a close friend of hers was dead, and about how they were even burying you in a dress in the first place, when you never wore one in life if it could be helped. She told me that she was just trying to do what she could for you now, and that it was her way of dealing to block out the pain by fussing over details, and that I was being insensitive by sabotaging her last favor. The thing is, I don't care how beautiful you looked, lying there in that coffin. It just wasn't you. You were beautiful just the way you ~~are~~ were.
All the Wonderbolts showed up for your funeral; you died trying to audition for them after all. Spitfire even gave a speech for you, about how much she was impressed by your dedication and courage, and I don't think there was a dry eye in the whole place. Then it was my turn to speak. I had written a whole long speech for you, but I stood up… and my throat just closed down. So I just said a few words about how much you meant to me, and just sat back down.
The girls have all taken it pretty hard. It came as such a shock- one moment you were there, the next, you... weren't. Fluttershy has hardy stopped crying since the day of the accident. She's stopped leaving her house- your funeral was the first time I've seen her since the accident. It makes sense, she's the most delicate of any of us, and she's known you the longest, after all. I'm worried about her- we all are- but what can we do?
Applejack's been gritting her teeth, trying to stay strong for all of us. I can't imagine how she feels, having to act as a rock to the other ~~five~~ four of us. She cried the least at your funeral, but I noticed she had bitten her lip hard enough to draw blood. It just faded into the rain.
Pinkie's been actively trying to get on with her life- she keeps saying about how you wouldn't want us to be sad. The thing is, I know what she's saying is true- that's the last thing you'd want- but I just can't stop feeling this way. It feels like to be happy again, and especially so soon, would be to forget about you. And it's not like Pinkie's happy- she cried the hardest of any of us when she heard, and her hair is straight again.
Rarity's thrown herself headfirst into her work, but she can't forget you no matter how hard she tries. She stayed up all last night making a new line of dresses, but when she showed them to me, I noticed that they were all rainbow colored. It was all too much to take. Rarity fell over herself apologizing, saying that she didn't mean to remind me of you and that she was hoping she'd cheer me up and that she'd take all the dresses down if that would make me feel better, but I just walked out. She can't know how I feel. She didn't have what we did.
Scootaloo's completely broken up about it, the poor thing. She looked up to you, as a big sister, mentor and hero, all rolled into one. And without you, she seems directionless, like an abandoned boat drifting on the current. Applejack invited her to stay at the farm for a bit, but even so... she’s so young. I hope she recovers.
I can't stop thinking about the first time we met, how you came out from nowhere and crashed into me like a sky-blue freight train. At the time I was angry and irritated with having to make friends; now I’d give anything to have you crash into me again. You were the best interruption I could have hoped for.
The time we had together was amazing; you were like a breath of fresh air in my life. You taught me how to push my limits, you helped me step out of my shell, and you gave me the best time of my life. It's been five days since... since that day, and I still can't get over the fact you're gone.
It doesn't seem real; part of me wants to believe that this is all a very clever prank, that any moment now you'll come flying around the corner and you'll exclaim, "Got you good, guys!" And I'd be angry at first, but you'd give me a huge make-up kiss and tell me it was just a joke and-
Ugh, I'm rambling. It's funny; it was never hard for us to talk in life but now, for some reason, I just can't seem to get the words out. I miss you, so much...
It just seems so unfair! Why did you have to leave ~~us~~ me? Why? It was just such a minor accident, your wing only just clipped that rock, but it sent you into a spinout, and the next thing I know, I'm getting a call saying there’s been an accident. The moment I heard, I teleported straight into the emergency room, and when they wouldn’t let me see you I teleported into your room, all the while thinking of how you’d laugh at the looks on the nurses’ faces if you were… awake. I tried as hard as I could to save you, calling up as many healing spells as I could, but it wasn’t enough. I wasn’t strong enough. I’m sorry. I don’t know if you can forgive me.
The nurses tried to get me to leave, but I wasn’t about to leave. I wasn’t going to let something so silly stand between us. So I stood there, holding your hoof telling you how much I love you, ~~pleading~~ begging you to come back to me. And you didn’t listen. You slipped away.
You’re gone. Forever.
I’ll never see you again.
I’ve read all the books about dealing with grief- I can hear you calling me an egghead even now- but, for the first time in my life, books don’t have the answers. None of them know what it is like; it’s all a clinical dissection of the grieving process, written by ponies who never let somepony special into their lives- and never lost them. Kindhearted ponies say you’re still here, in the afterlife, or in our hearts if they’re not religious, but they don’t know what it’s like. You’re gone, and I have to face the truth. There’s nothing that’ll bring you back.
Spike’s calling me; he says Rarity is at the door. I better go see her; I don’t want to become a shut-in.
**********
You’ll never believe this.
While I’m outside, talking to Rarity, I noticed it stopped raining. And then I looked up at the sky.
There was an incredibly beautiful double rainbow spanning the sky from horizon, the brightest rainbow I’ve ever seen- well, except for you, of course. And I’ve never been one to believe in things I can’t see, but I could see that rainbow. And now, looking at that rainbow, I can’t help wonder… maybe the kindhearted ponies are right?
Maybe you’re not really gone; maybe we’ll meet someday in the next life and we’ll pick up where we left off. Maybe you’re looking down on me, and you sent the rainbow to give me some hope, to reassure me that you’re not really gone.
Or maybe there’s no afterlife, and this is all we get. In which case you still live on. In my heart.
But either way, you’re still with me. And for the first time, I feel… hope.
I love you, Rainbow Dash. In this life, the next and every other one after that.
Always yours,
Twilight
Author's Note
Alright! My first shot at writing sad, shipping and an unusual ship for me, so just a little experiment.
