Horsebuckers, Inc.

You know the story. You’ve heard it a million times. I’m a cliche, an overused trope, a boring character. I’m a guy who was poor, then became even more poor and watched as his life spiraled out of control and crashed and burned.

As a kid, the best times of my life were probably when my mom hid well enough from my alcoholic dad that he couldn’t find her and she held me close and fell asleep, and in her dreams she held me so tight I had trouble breathing, but it made me feel like the most important person on this earth.

Anywhen else, I was a menace, or an underprivileged statistic, or a little shit who ran like hell when you saw him shoplifting your spray cans.

But other than that, the best moment of my life was when I climbed on the top level of the Brooklyn Bridge, (I’m not fucking kidding you), and tagged my name, big and bold, on the goddamn Brooklyn Bridge, with one of my friends. The next morning, there was a newspaper article about it. You could see it for miles. The City of New York sued me and my buddy for three million dollars.

But then my buddy drowned, and the suit was dropped, and it just didn’t have the same flair anymore. I tried to get with some other dude to write, but it was all of a sudden bland and unexciting. I guess when you learn how to avoid the police, writing just gets boring. Or maybe it was... something else.