Once upon a time, there was a wonderful man named Niko Bellic. One day, he was walking out of his crappy apartment to hail a taxi to go meet his friend for bowling because HE WOULDN'T STOP ASKING EVERY TWELVE SECONDS!!!
So then after a mental breakdown, he said yes. After a long while of waiting, he just took the nearest convertible and began driving to his destination, where the magic GPS in his pocket shouted out directions at him in a soothing voice. After causing at least twelve car crashes, ninety two murders, and twelve accounts of arson and assault, he finally reached his brother's house. He tried to pick him up, but actually ended up running him over on 'accident'
"Ey! Get out of the fucking way!" He screamed, as if Roman was just some random passerby. Of course, like the idiot he was, Roman didn't hear jack and jumped into the car passenger seat with magic teleportation powers. So then, Niko and Roman drove around for a bit, talking about malorie and the bullshit that Roman told Niko over the past few years, and then Roman called Niko on his phone. He answered with a plain "Hello?" in which Roman responded. "LETS GO DARTING!". In that case, Niko just hung up, and punched roman in the face all the way over to the bowling club. They parked over a bus, got out of the car, shot a rocket at the bus and sent the car flying as they calmly walked over to the bowling club to bowl.
Niko bellic, being the pro bowler back in soviet russia, where the ball rolls you, got a strike every time he threw the bowling ball down the line...but it was other people's games that kept getting strikes and not him because he's actually very horrible at bowling....how did you not know that?
So then, after Niko miraculously won, him and Roman went back to their car and saw it burned in flames. How did that happen?
Niko, being the average day man, would have hotwired a car, but since every car had broken glass with a hole the shape of a bowling ball in them, and seemingly in the same situation as Niko's car, which Roman had to pay for for blowing it up to crap. Niko just walked down the street, and kept calling for a taxi in as many ways possible.
After failing in multiple ways, he wished he was in a better place, where there were cars that didn't have people that didn't hear him, but instead were replaced with more sophisticated people....
AND THEN SUDDENLY PORTALS HAPPENED!
So then Niko Bellic turned into a pony and popped into Equestria, in which he began looking around the new town he was in. It was named Ponyville, or at least that's what Niko kept calling it, because there were ponies everywhere and whatnot...and then he saw his dream. A yellow car! A pony cart! AND IT WAS YELLOW! Nothing could be better than THAT! Niko cried out for the cart, and jumped in, only to get knocked out by an angered fluttershy. She shook her hoof vigoriously at Niko, which caused him to rage as he took out his rocket launcher from, again, out of nowhere and blew the yellow cart to smithirenes, as a smokey fluttershy was sent spiraling into the sky, where she hit team rocket on the way and began going down to Equestria again.
Niko then called for another yellow cart, and had the driver drive him around in their attempt to run away from the six stars that popped up. Niko was happy....
THE END!
Well...it WAS the end...But then there wouldn't be enough words to submit the story so I have to write MOAR now....
ZIP ZOP ZOWIE POWIE! HERE COMES ANOTHER WOWIE!
So then! After fighting off an unlimited horde of pony guards from Canterlot that mystically teleported in with their magic horns, Niko sent his partner in crime spiraling into a tree with his rocket launcher, blowing up the tree and setting others on fire, while he took control of the pony cart and trudged it along by himself, and doing a pretty good job at it. After lots of running later, he began doing what he usually did and followed the little initial for Roman on his mini-map in the corner of the screen, you know, with the health and armor surrounding it....
So anyway, he reached Twilight's house and saw Roman, complaining about small, Equestrian titties, before sending Niko on another adventure quest so that he can further his discussion with Twilight, which made her very uncomfortable because who wouldn't be extremely uncomfortable if a russian pony came walking in, talking about sex every twelve seconds like it was something he had every twelve seconds?
So then, twelve seconds later, Niko trudged himself with his mighty sidekick, Yellow CartCart, to go shoot some ponies that probably deserved it but I never knew why because I skipped the cutscene for this mission so that I can get to the shooty bits.
After I pew pew'd my way through a large horde of ponies, Niko walked outside and got shot immediately by random Roflcarriages, shooting magic bullets at Niko, in which he replied with....
A rocket launcher to the knee....
His own knee, in fact. It sent him flying into the carriage and he found himself face to face with Celestia, so after that, Niko popped out of his anti-gravitational field and continued flying upwards and to the moon, where he met nightmare moon, but right now, he didn't want to say hi, so he just shot another rocket at his knee and sent himself flying, and the second he hit the surface of Equestria again, he died, so he respawned at the nearest hospital, got a text message asking him if he wanted to try again, he press the A button on his Xbox controller, and time warped backwards, to the beginning of the mission.
Twelve seconds later, he beat the mission, and got rewarded handsomely with a pimped out yellow cart. Life was good, Niko had his yellow cart, and he was happy....
ok NOW it's THE END!
No, for real, this is the end...
you won't find your clops here, people...move along....
No seriously, stop scrolling down....
