Being Derpy Hooves

by Xenos

Rating: everyone
Tags: Rainbow Dash, Random, Derpy Hooves, Twilight Sparkle, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 6573

Ever wanted to be somepony else? Rainbow Dash courteously invites you for a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to step inside the mind of another pony! Only 25 bits to try!

When Twilight accidentally creates a mysterious portal she is shocked to see it leads into the head of a certain grey mare. Dash however, is enlightened by the experience and soon "invites" others along for the ride. With ponies questioning their defining characteristics and beliefs; it is only a matter of time before Derpy discovers what's up.

This Fic is inspired by the film "Being John Malkovich"
Woah, looking back this sucks so bad. If you happen to come across this, feel free to make it the Fic the amazing film deserves.

Published 2013-04-13 04:40:02 UTC
Last updated 2013-04-16 17:36:27 UTC

Doors

Being Derpy Hooves

This was it. There was no turning back now- she had to get this right. Oh Celestia will be so pleased if this works out.

The Princess had tasked Twilight Sparkle with creating portals which ponies could travel through. This was highly advanced magic and if Twilight pulled it off it would be further proof that she was ready to advance to the next level of studies. Where as she could teleport between short spaces this spell-infused potion would rip the fabric of space and time itself allowing instant access for multiple beings between two places. This would obviously prove to be very useful. The mixture was almost stable and ready for use. Almost.

Rainbow Dash sped through Ponyville. The new Daring Do book had come out and she had it right there in her hoof. Her rainbow mane flowed in the wind as she headed towards Twilight's house. Naturally, Twilight would also want to read it but Dash had already decided she would be the first. She was only visiting to inform her and perhaps have a little gloat before settling down to the book. The door was in sight and Dash couldn't afford to slow down. She was sure Twilight wouldn't mind making a new door: it was getting old anyway.

Twilight jumped in shock after hearing an almighty crash in the other room. Her magic lapsed and the phial she was levitating fell on to the table and cracked. The contents, a black sludge, were now all over the mail delivered that day.

“Rainbow Dash!” Twilight yelled as the pegasus came flying into the room, “ what did you do? Look at what you've done!” she gestured at the now unrecognisable letters and cracked phial. “Do you have any idea how long it took to get that?”

Dash opened her mouth, about to comment instead on how she had the new book and how long it took for her to get that but before she could utter a word the mixture began to mutate. The glowing putrid mass began to expand and pulsate, unfurling before the ponies' very eyes before rising and morphing into a dark, swirling vortex. Forget the book, she wanted one of those now.

“Oh my gosh that is so awesome! What is that? Is that a portal? Where does it lead?” Dash said excitedly; the book now a distant memory.

Twilight was in awe. She had done it. She may have needed a little assistance but it was definitely a portal. But where did it lead? Oh Princess Celestia would be so proud..

“It most certainly looks like one but-”

“Great, can I be the first to go in?” Dash inevitably asked. If anypony was going through, it was going to be her.

“Oh no, no, no, of course you can't. I mean, I have to run some tests first; this thing is clearly unstable,” Twilight replied whilst examining her creation. She wandered round to the back only to find there was no back. The portal was only visible from one side, and what a side it was. It was ominous yet elegant, the shades of dark grey were converging on the centre and the whole thing was about mare height; it was hovering about a metre in the air. Various sounds could be heard from within but neither pony could make them out. The whole thing was very alluring and too alluring for Rainbow Dash. She prepared to enter:

“Come on Twilight, what's the worst that can happen? Besides, I can do the 'tests' while I'm in there,” Dash said whilst flexing her wings. She then headed straight for the portal before Twilight could stop her.

With Twilight's pleas and warnings in her ears Dash entered the swirling blackness, cutting out all noise from the previous dimension. She tried to turn her head but her vision was fixed straight forward as she was drawn into the abyss. Dash became aware she wasn't flying anymore, she couldn't feel her wings. Trying to move them she realised she couldn't control her body either. This was down to the small fact that she didn't have a body anymore. Rainbow Dash was merely a pair of eyes, or rather an open mind hurtling through space.

Fear gripping her; a loud noise filled her ears as she began to reach her journey's end. The noise got progressively louder as Dash began to spin faster and faster; her vision becoming a blur. Then finally, her ears close to bursting, the corkscrew spat her out and she lurched to a sickening halt; cutting out her hearing and sight.

The Cake is a Lie (But the Muffins ain't)

Rainbow Dash slowly opened her eyes. Her head was ringing and what's more there seemed to be a black ring around her face which slightly obscured her eyesight. Her vision was partially slanted too. It felt as if she was in a party costume. How exactly? No idea, but this definitely wasn't her style. She had to act fast before anypony found out. Dash shook her head vigorously trying to get off whatever was on it but it wouldn't budge. Strangely, she couldn't move her head at all and stranger still: she was staring at something big and brown. Just what was going on? Panicking, Dash tried shouting to at least establish she was still alive but no sound came out. Surely it was just a weird dream? She remembered the portal,“ah it takes you into your dreams!” Dash made a brief mental note to tell Twilight but in all honesty her attention was back on the Daring Do book now.

Relaxing slightly Dash let the dream continue but didn't like how she wasn't in control of anything. Also she found it difficult to think straight as other thoughts; something about muffins, kept interrupting. Finally, after what seemed like a good 5 minutes dream time, her vision zoomed out revealing that the brown object was in fact a muffin. Dash heard the sound of licking lips which were unsettling loud before she lurched forward and engulfed the treat. Now that was a good a muffin. There was no denying it. She had never really had it going for muffins until now. Dash leaned back , chewing the muffin but growing increasingly edgy. It didn't feel like her mouth was grinding away; the sound was distant and muffled slightly.

“Derpy Hooves! What do you think you're doing?” a voice echoed from behind Dash, she was Rainbow Dash right?

“Muffins!” Derpy excitedly replied. “Muffins everywhere!”

She extended a grey hoof and picked up a muffin before swivelling around to face the other pony. “Okay, last time I checked I wasn't grey,” thought Dash. “Nope, definitely wasn't grey. Name's not Derpy either.” Just end this stupid dream already. Although Dash had to admit that the muffin was very good; she could see why Derpy had such an obsession with the things. She even kinda hoped that Derpy/herself would eat another.

“Leave it Derpy; this isn't even your house. This is a bakery!” the earth pony replied whom Dash identified as Carrot Top. A saddened Derpy looked down at the floor- she had only had one. Dash felt her pain: “Oh I hear ya Derpy. I wish I could stay here all day and eat them with you.”

“Aw don't be like that Derpy. I have plenty of muffins waiting at home!” Carrot Top revealed.

“Can me have some?” Derpy questioned.

“Of course! Now come on, we're not meant to be here!”

“Can me have some?” Derpy repeated, this time gesturing at the stack of muffins behind her.

“Oh all right Derpy,” Carrot Top conceded, “but be quick and don't forget to pay The Cakes back!”

Derpy wasn't interested. There were muffins to be had. She took one off the shelf and hid it in her mouth. “More,” Dash purred. Derpy did not need to be told twice. In fact, she didn't need to be told at all: she was already holding five in her hooves.

Rainbow Dash's non-existent eyes widened. All these muffins. All hers. Derpy gracefully bounced towards the door where Carrot Top took her hand and quickly led her out.

Dash was happily led outside too but before she could take a step further she heard a sucking sound in her ears as she began to leave Derpy. She tried to fight back, tried struggling but it was no use.
“My muffins! We were gonna have so much fun together! Please let me stay!”

Her cries fell on deaf ears and Rainbow Dash was yanked upwards out of the grey mare. She was sucked back into the vortex, into its blackness, before being compressed and spat out into fresh air.

*****

“Oh my goodness, Rainbow Dash are you okay?”

Dash rubbed her head, struggling to take in her surroundings. That was surely the second weirdest dream she'd ever experienced.

“Can you hear me?” the yellow pegasus repeated.

“Yes of course I can Fluttershy,” she irritably replied. What was up with her head?

“You don't look so good Rainbow Dash. You fell out of the sky right above me.”

Rainbow Dash got off her hooves and looked around. She was at the edge of the Everfree forest, the grass was a bright green and also moist; glistening in the sun. This was the place where Fluttershy usually liked to tend to the animals.

“How did I get here?”

“Umm, there was a flash you see and I just saw you falling. I tried to catch you but couldn't. I'm sorry,” a miserable Fluttershy answered. “Are you sure you're feeling all right?”

“Don't be sorry. I'm fine, see? Now I gotta get back and tell Twilight something. See ya Fluttershy!” said Dash, her head still a bit uneasy. She flew off before Fluttershy could answer, excited to tell Twilight of her strange dream. Oh and after that she would settle down to... some muffins. Yes, that's exactly what she needed: a good muffin...

*****

Rainbow Dash quickly stopped flying; she was still feeling rather giddy. Slowing down to a walking pace she looked back on the dream; if you could call it that. It had all seemed a bit too realistic and she had never dreamt she was another pony before. Whilst she was having her doubts a conversation she overheard caught her attention:

“Derpy, you really shouldn't have done that. It's not right to take other ponies' things without telling them.”

“They told me to though Carrot.”

“Who did? The Cakes?”

“The muffins, eat me they said!”

Rainbow Dash froze as Carrot Top and Derpy passed in the opposite direction; the latter holding a stack of muffins. Surely it hadn't actually happened? Dash had had that thought nagging at the back of her mind, ironically where she was in Derpy, but seriously? That's where the portal went? Rainbow Dash didn't know whether to be:

A) Distraught
B) Traumatised
C) Any other negative emotion
D) None of the above

She chose option D as she didn't feel bad at all. Dash didn't feel guilty or upset: she thoroughly enjoyed the experience and, dare she say it? Wanted to go back?

Wanting to step once more in the weird and wacky mind of Derpy Hooves; Rainbow Dash returned to Twilight's house with new intentions.

Brilliance at its Best

Rainbow Dash approached the house, noticing that the door was missing. She found it when she entered; in pieces over the floor. That had been pretty inconsiderate of her. She rushed down to the basement to find Twilight standing by the portal, trying to attach wires to it but no success so far.

“Rainbow Dash you're back! What took you so long, I thought you would've been able to fly back quicker than this,” said a bemused Twilight.

“You'll never guess where I've been!”

“Err, where have you been exactly?”

“Wait for it...” tantalised Dash.

“I'm waiting patiently,” said Twilight calmly.

“Okay, I was...inside Derpy Hooves.” Dash waited for the shock reaction. It didn't come.

“Umm, that's a bit frightening to know, Dash. Might I ask how exactly? Is she okay?” inquired the now unsettled Twilight.

“Not literally! Well maybe, but I was inside her mind I'm sure; the portal took me there!”

“Are you feeling all right Dash?” asked Twilight, the second pony to do so that day. A restless Rainbow Dash then told Twilight everything that had happened since she went through the portal.

“I see. Well this was highly unexpected,” Twilight said sceptically.

“You don't believe me? Come on, even after what happened when I was on my way back here? You can try the portal if you'd like,” tempted Dash.

“Of course I believe you, I'm just wondering how this is even scientifically possible. And no Dash, I do not want to venture there. I'm certain it won't have a positive impact on one's mind,” said Twilight.

“Speaking of which, do you want to go back there?” she asked, now with a hint of suspicion in her tone.

“Umm,” Dash muttered; she couldn't lie, she really had to try it again. “Yeah, but only quickly I swear. Just want to do it once more. Research and stuff.”

Twilight was still doubtful and knew that Rainbow Dash definetly didn't have research on her mind. Still, once more couldn't be too harmful, could it? She was wary of the psychological impact it would have but she had to get more information on this thing. The wires clearly weren't sufficient.

“Okay, once more, then you stop.”

“Sure whatever Twilight. I just feel like this thing completes me, you know? Shows me where my heart really lies.”

Twilight didn't like the sound of that at all but the decision had been made. Rainbow Dash prepared herself again before entering the portal as quickly as her wings would allow; leaving a very worried unicorn behind.

*****

“That's right Derpy, you like those muffins. You do Derpy, you REALLY do.”

Dash was chilling in Derpy's mind again while she gorged on muffins at home. It was a good feeling; only wanting to eat muffins and having somepony else do all the work for you.

Derpy quickly finished her meal but her desire for food was insatiable. She entered the kitchen and there it was: the fridge. Derpy's smile widened as she slipped into stealth mode and inched across the floor to the fridge, taking time to hide behind the chairs. Dash distinctly remembered that Carrot Top had just left the house. Therefore there was no need for stealth but she was loving her new lifestyle and played along. Derpy made the simplest things fun and interesting.

They reached the fridge and Dash saw with disappointment that the fridge had some kind of lock on it. Derpy however was unfazed and proceeded to fiddle with the lock. As she had access to Derpy's thought process she realised that, according to Derpy, that this was a game she played with her friend. That Carrot Top would put new things on the fridge to keep her out, but it was only for fun. Despite figuring that it might not be Carrot Top's intentions to have Derpy raid the fridge, Dash didn't care. Derpy saw it this way and therefore so did she.

Derpy rotated the combination lock at lightning speed and very quickly it opened. Amazed at Derpy's prowess Dash relaxed whilst letting Derpy gobble the food. It was at this time where she was again sucked out of Derpy and deposited near the Everfree forest. Annoyed that she couldn't stay for longer Dash again made her way back to Twilight.

*****

“So, what did you learn whilst in there, Dash?”

“Muffins. Without muffins life would be meaningless,” she said in a daze.

“Stop messing around! You're not going in there again. Can't you've seen what it has done to you?” Twilight shouted. “I knew I shouldn't have let you go back.”

“I don't need to go back. Derpy has taught me everything I needed to know. She has helped me realise my true meaning in this world: to travel all over Equestria being a renown Muffin-Taster!”

“Nonsense! What about being a Wonderbolt? That was your dream, Dash!” said Twilight in disbelief.

“Muffins have always been my dream. Derpy helped me realise this,” persisted the pegasus.

Twilight groaned. She expected this would happen. You can't just hop into another pony's mind and come out unscathed. The mind is a special thing and very influential. Especially this mind that contrasts so much to the norm. Dash seemed very different to the Rainbow Dash she once knew.

“Don't worry. I'm not leaving yet on my journey. I have to first spread the word of Derpy Hooves. Gonna need some bits to get me going too...”

“What do you mean by that?” asked Twilight, expecting the worst.

“Okay, I've got it all worked out; 25 bits a go?” suggested Dash.

“What? No! We're not charging entry for it!” shrieked Twilight. “It's not even our portal!”

“Come on, I'll just put an advertisement outside and we'll see what happens. No harm done.”

Twilight sighed, she was a little on the low side too and needed the bits. She was sure nopony would even want to try the silly thing anyway. Even if they did surely it wouldn't affect everypony as much as it did Dash? There wasn't too much to lose; nothing Celestia couldn't fix if things went wrong. If they did however, she would obviously deny everything.

“Okay, but one advertisement. If nopony turns up then that's that and we wait for Celestia to fix this. I'm only doing this to benefit my research.”

“Yes! I'll go put it up right now. I'm only trying to help everypony, Twilight.”

Delicious Derpy

Ever wanted to be somepony else? Rainbow Dash courteously invites you for a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to step inside the mind of another pony. Only 25 bits to try!

A hooded figure set down the advertisement on the table and spoke to Twilight and Dash. It had only been five minutes since the leaflet had gone up.

“I found this when I was visiting town; looking for something, anything. It immediately caught my interest. I've had it rough since that fateful day. The one I wish I could erase,” the stranger muttered feebly. “Okay, now what does this leaflet even mean exactly?”

Rainbow Dash was about to speak before Twilight stopped her and spoke herself: “We can take you and put you into the body of another pony for around 10 minutes.”

“Which pony?”said the stranger, her voice cracking slightly. The emotion surging.

“The mail carrier, Derpy Hooves.”

She cried softly before chuckling in relief and taking off her hood.

“Gilda!” Dash gasped

“Look, I'm sorry for what I did. I had a lot to deal with that day and was covering up for it. I've really let myself go. Look at me!” Gilda cried pointing at her once strong physique; now riddled with flab. “I need to know what its like to be a pony. I'm not here to stay in Ponyville, I'm here to get back on track. Please, I need this.”

“Sure old-timer,” said Dash who was solely concentrated on the profit, “don't forget the 25 bits.”

“Sure, anything,” said the tearful griffon as she brought out the bag of bits. Dash snatched at it, prompting discerning looks from Twilight who was touched by Gilda's tale.

“We understand your pain Gilda and we are willing to forgive. Please, step this way, allow us take you to your new life.”

Twilight was now more eager to carry out Dash's plan. She was getting a profit and helping other ponies. Nothing wrong with that right?

Gilda let out a gleeful sound as she saw the portal, amazed by its complexity, and rushed in: eager to put her past behind her.

*****

“Oh, not again! How did you get in?” Carrot Top moaned.

“I win! I win!” Derpy yelled in delight, “almost Toppy, almost!”

“It's not a game, Derpy. You could have at least left some for me.”

“I do, I do!” said Derpy as she tapped her belly. “Want some?”

“Aw, thanks Derpy. Not sure how I'll be able to get the food out but I appreciate the thought,” said Carrot Top, hoping Derpy wouldn't reply with something gruesome.

Derpy however rushed forward and gave her a big warm hug to which she smiled in return. Carrot Top could never stay angry at her best friend for long. She had to remember that Derpy was a bit childish at times. Okay, all the time.

“Well, I have to go and get some more food now. Are you coming with me, Derpy?”

“Yay!” Derpy bellowed before following Carrot Top out of the house. The two friends and Gilda departed; the griffon beaming from inside Derpy, her eyes full of tears.

*****

“Thank you thank you thank you,” an emotional Gilda cried. “It was beautiful, funny and most importantly happy: everything I needed. I have seen how life needs to be lived. Farewell friends!”

Twilight watched, a tear in her eye, as a reformed Gilda ran out of her house, ready to start anew.

“See? That wasn't so bad.”

“I have to admit Rainbow Dash, that felt great. Not just because of the bits we gained.”

“We? Oh yeah right. Forgot you helped,” grumbled Dash, keen to hold on to the money. “Anyway, can I put the advertisement back up now?”

“Fine, but we're still only having one up; don't want too many a pony here at a time.”

*****

Unfortunately it didn't matter as Gilda had told many ponies before she rushed out of Ponyville. Soon a long queue was leading out of Twilight's house. Rainbow Dash had taken the role of welcoming the ponies in whilst Twilight, still anxious of the consequences, had taken position by the forest to question each pony after their experience. She didn't like what she saw.

“Are you all right, Twilight?” asked Fluttershy; also watching as ponies exited Derpy.

“No, I am not all right. Sorry Fluttershy, I thought things would be better, but just look at this!” Twilight gestured as Spike fell out of the sky. “Spike! What are you doing here!?”

“I thought I'd try that portal thing. It was free of charge you see, considering I live there. Couldn't pass the offer up,” replied Spike.

“Oh, I thought you'd taken my bits to pay. Well that's okay then. Are you feeling alright though?” asked Twilight, breathing a sigh of relief. Spike seemed normal enough...

“Why wouldn't I be alright? I feel great! Pretty hungry too. Now I gotta go, I had a cake I was wanting to make,” announced Spike.

“That's fine by me!” said Twilight, happy Spike was fine, “I have some gems I was saving up just for you. They're in th-”

“That's okay Twilight, I thought I might try muffins this time. Gems are getting boring ya see.”

With that Spike left for Sugarcube Corner, leaving a stunned Twilight and a confused Fluttershy behind.

“Not Spike too,” wailed Twilight, “how could he be bored of gems? He loves gems!”

Soon after, Rarity came out of the portal. Surely she couldn't have turned too?

“Rarity,” Twilight called, “how are you feeling?”

“I'm quite alright Twilight. When I heard about this portal...thing, I simply had to try it.”

“Have you experienced any life-altering feelings yet?”

“Do not fear, my heart and hoof are set firmly on designing dresses. Now, if you'll excuse me I have to go get this dirt off my gown and settle down to making a nice muffin-themed dress. I believe it is quite “in” right now, don't you say?”

With that Rarity sauntered away leaving a growling unicorn.

“Fluttershy where are you going?”

“Oh, I have to try it now since everypony is. Can I bring Angel along too? If you don't mind that is.”

“No!” shouted Twilight; she did want to think of the effects it would have on a bunny.

“I'm going to Rainbow Dash right now to put an end to this!” I should have never gone along with her plan Twilight thought. How could she have been so simple-minded?

*****

Twilight approached the library only to find a swarm of ponies trying to get in.

“All right ponies, break it up; the service is closed for the day,” Twilight said with an authoritative voice; trying to speak above the chatter of the queuing ponies. It was no use: nopony gave a flying feather as to what she had to say. They were all desperate to get to the portal.

“Oh great, I have to queue to get into my own house,” Twilight said sarcastically. “Didn't you hear me? We're closed!”

“Are you kidding? Lyra laughed.“Rainbow Dash just said there's a discount on right now! Double savings!”

Twilight's anger was close to bursting. This had gone too far. Blessed by a sudden bout of knowledge she remembered that she was a unicorn and zapped herself inside her own house. She found Dash talking to Big Macintosh and also saw a huge pile of bits by the pegasus.

“I've always wanted to be a mare,” Mac admitted shyly, his voice soft and calm.“A pegasus too. Just wanna spread my wings like a beautiful butterfly and fly away.”

“Yup, we can do that for ya!” said Dash.“Right this way please!”

“Hold it right there Rainbow Dash! Can't you see what's happening? This portal is turning Ponyville upside down!”

“Oh not again. You're overreacting Twilight, this portal's great! It made Gilda all nice again.”

“That was a one-off. Gilda wanted to change her life where as these ponies just want to experience something new but being inside another pony changes their view on life thus altering their life itself!”

“That's nice Twilight. Gee, you need to calm down. I know just the thing. The portal's this way...”

“NO! Spike where are you?!” shouted Twilight.

“Right here, baking my cake. Don't hurt me please; I just want my muffin cake.”

“Take this letter to Celestia, now!”

“Whatever you say Twilight, just don't eat my cake,” whimpered Spike, embracing his cake.

*****

“She'll be on her way soon. I can finally rest in peace.”

“I'm sure she'll see reason and keep it open, it's such a wonderful thing.”

“Dash! Do you see what a metaphysical can of worms this portal is? We can't keep it open or the damage done will be irreversible!”

“No damage has been done! Everypony's fine!”

While the two ponies were arguing the newly-fitted door was smashed clean of its hinges and Derpy walked in. Big Mac chose this moment to tiptoe out, abandoning his dream of being a mare, and warned the other ponies to stay away: Derpy had cometh. Twilight and Dash cowered in the corner, their eyes filled with fear. Spike kept baking his cake.

Demolition Derpy

The cake was soon devoured by Derpy despite Spike's incessant howling. She then rounded on the ponies.

“You have muffins?”

“No, err, wrong place Derpy. We don't have any muffins.”

“Other ponies say muffins here. Door to muffins! Derpy likes muffins. You have muffins?”

The repeated use of the word “muffins” aroused Rainbow Dash who craved those delicacies but Twilight calmly replied:

“We don't have any muffins Der-”

“Yes we do! Loads of muffins! Lots of muffins! Here let me show you muffins!” blurted out Dash, reminiscent of Derpy. “Come on Twilight, this will be interesting. The final “test” I always planned to carry out to help you research the portal.”

“I'm sure. However, this could prove very dangerous. We have no idea what-”

“Follow me Derpy, your muffins are this way.” announced Dash; leading the buoyant mare into the basement. By the time Twilight had gone down too; Derpy had already gone in the portal.

“I wonder what would happen if I went in there too,” thought Dash out loud.

“Leave it Rainbow, you've done enough harm. I'm just hoping Princess Celestia can fix everything you, I mean we, have done,” said Twilight miserably.

*****

Derpy opened her eyes. She was at the place where people eat. The, the, restaurant! Proud of herself for remembering Derpy looked around to see who was here. Maybe Top Top? Maybe MuffinMan? However all she saw was...Derpy Hooves. Me, me everywhere, Derpy thought. Why me? There was a Derpy talking to Derpy and that Derpy talking to another Derpy. Derpy singing, Derpy eating, Derpy doing, Derpy talking, Derpy eating. There was also a Derpy at the table with her who had a suit on. Suit? Derpy doesn't wear suits! She opened her mouth to speak but the suit-derpy did first:

“Derpy?”

“Derpy Derpy,” Derpy replied. Hmm, she had meant to ask for muffins but all she had said was her name. Where there was Derpy, muffins weren't too far away. Maybe the waiter will know if this place has muffins. The waiter-Derpy came over and pointed at the menu:

“Derpy Derpy, Derpy?”

Derpy looked down at the menu but all she saw was herself. Derpy for 1 bits. Derpy Derpy for 5 bits and the Derpy Derpy Derpy that was 10 bits. What a rip-off. No muffins? No muffins!? Well, this Derpy was going to have to get some muffins. She wasn't in the mood for eating herself.

“Derpy Derpy Derpy Derpy Derpy; Derpy,” said Derpy. She had meant to say “ One round of your most excellent muffins, good sir.” but all that had come out again was Derpy. Enough Derpying! Derpy got up in dismay, knocking over her chair, and entered the kitchen. She found herself making muffins with help from herself. Finally! Some Derpy that knew where the good stuff was at.

“Derpy Derpy Derpy?” she asked.

“Derpy!” said the chef-Derpy, keen to hold on to her muffins. Derpy had no idea what chef-Derpy had just said but her tummy was getting hungry. She pushed aside the Derpies and reached her baby muffins; cradling them in her hooves. This would last the day, or maybe just 5 minutes. Either way it was time to get out of here. She went out of the kitchen leaving the other Derpies dazed on the floor.

As soon as she entered the main room the other Derpies noticed the muffins and behaved as a Derpy should. Shouts of “Derpy” rang around the room as they barged and pushed their way to the muffins. Derpy was not pleased. These muffins belonged to her fair and square. All muffins belonged to her. She cantered towards the door, wanting to find Toppy and show her the muffins; brushing aside the other Derpies, keen to protect her lovelies. They however liked muffins almost as much as Derpy did and fought back proving a nuisance to her. The cries of “Derpy” had become so continuous that now it sounded like “Derp! Derp! Derp!”

As the onslaught of Derpies continued Derpy used all her willpower to throw one muffin into the fray. That muffin would have a place in her heart forever. It worked and the Derpies, realising that fighting Derpy herself for her muffins was near fruitless, instead leapt after that one muffin. Derpy finally made it threw the mass of Derpies and saw the exit right up ahead.

However, one pony stood blocking her path: Ditzy Doo. Born and raised in Tartarus itself this mare hated all muffins and enslaved muffin-kind. She ruled over them with an iron-hoof and was always trying to take Derpy's muffins. Derpy had fought her nemesis many times but this was the final stand.

“We meet again Ditzy, for the last time,” Derpy said, again with only 'Derpy' coming out of her mouth.

Ditzy understood. She ground her hoof, ready to attack. Derpy did the same: it all came down to this. There was a pause; the other Derpies stopped fighting and formed a ring around Derpy and Ditzy. Winner took all the muffins. The tension soon reached its peak.

Both Derpy and Ditzy charged whilst issuing battle cries of “Derpy!”

The mares collided but Derpy, unbalanced by holding her muffins, was smacked out of the way. She slid along the floor and came to rest at the edge of the circle; her muffins falling out of her hooves. The Derpies gasped before chatting amongst themselves: “Derpy?”

Remembering she had muffins the Derpies advanced but Ditzy held them back: this was her prize. With a nefarious grin she stood over her nemesis and prepared to deliver the final blow. Derpy looked up at Ditzy's extended hoof and her life flashed before her eyes: Mostly muffins with intermissions of Carrot Top. No, this was not how it would end. She would live to see another muffin.

Derpy propelled herself upwards with her wing power and delivered an uppercut to Ditzy's jaw. She flew back and landed hard on the floor, defeated. Derpy did not have time to celebrate as the ring of Derpies broke; eager to finish what Ditzy started. She picked up her muffins and flew towards the exit as the wall of Derpies closed in. Closing her eyes, she burst into the blinding light outside.

*****

“Derpy are you okay?” Twilight asked. She and Rainbow Dash had rushed down to the forest to see if Derpy had made it out safely. Derpy got up, her head a little fuzzy but no more fuzzy than usual. Where were the muffins? She was sure she had protected them from the oncoming waves of Derpies.

“Muffins?”

“Right here, Derpy,” said a familiar voice. Derpy turned in delight to see Carrot Top with a huge stack of muffins.

“Muffins!” cried Derpy, “You came back for me!” Derpy took her muffins and ran off, legs flailing, into the sunset; re-united with her long lost muffins. Carrot Top ran after her, trying to tell her that home was in the opposite direction.

“Well at least she's still Derpy,” said Twilight

“What did you expect? For her to become Celestia herself?” said Dash whilst laughing. “Now if you'll excuse me I have some customers to attend to.”

“That won't be necessary Rainbow Dash,” said a new voice.

Celestia Ex Machina

“Princess Celestia!” shouted Twilight. “Thank the heavens you are here.”

“Yeah Princess; now you can experience Derpy too!” said Dash leaning across to Celestia's ear, “I'm willing to throw in a royal discount.”

“Sure, just take me to the portal Rainbow Dash,” said Celestia before winking at Twilight.

*****

“Hey no queue jumping!” “I was here first!” “You may have royalty but this is no way to behave!”

“They'll forget about it soon enough,” said Celestia, “this portal does have quite the influence.”

The three reached the portal and found Spike ready to enter. Brushing him aside Celestia raised a her hoof. Her horn glowed and the portal began to close; the swirling shades disappearing as it consumed itself.

“The portal is now closed. I have also removed nearly all memories of its contents from anypony who entered.”

“Well that was easy enough,” Twilight said cheerfully.

“You doubted even me, my most faithful student?”

“No, of course not, Princess! Just even so, after all the trouble we've been through.”

Rainbow Dash shook her head. Her desire for muffins had been extinguished and she was now feeling quite embarrassed.

“Muffin-Taster? Really? You better not tell anypony about this.”

“Of course not, Rainbow Dash. As long as you return all the bits you took,” said Celestia.

“Aw, come on. They don't even remember why they paid!”

“You do not deserve a reward for such tomfoolery. I would say I am disappointed in the both of you but this portal and Derpy's childish antics do seem quite tempting to the best of us; even me. You have also brought this unexpected class of magic into my midst so for that I congratulate you as I wish to study it further. I had no idea portals could be used to this extent. Farewell to the both of you.”

Celestia then proceeded to leave without saying a word more. Twilight could hear a multitude of apologies outside due to various ponies' rudeness to the princess.

“Not even a letter?” Twilight said, slightly saddened.

“Well you didn't learn much. Other than to listen to me more often. The Princess did like the portal after all.”

“I do hope you are joking Rainbow Dash,” said Twilight. “Now excuse me while I go and hand out every pony’s bits back.” Twilight left leaving Rainbow Dash behind. Spike too, who was busy searching for the gems he had foolishly thrown away.

Once more unto the Breach

It had been a week since the “Derpy Incident”. All was well. Everypony who had gone through the portal only remembered coming back out near Everfree. Any recollection of Derpy Hooves had been removed from their mind such was the power of Celestia's magic. Only three ponies recalled the events: Celestia, who closed the portal. Twilight, who had never ventured into Derpy and Rainbow Dash who had been unfortunate to go in twice thus meaning Derpy's influence was greatest on her.

Some memories still remained and Rainbow Dash had little thoughts pop into her mind every now and again. Dash wanted to return to Derpy and her muffins. She wanted to go back, she had to go back.

Rainbow Dash slowly opened Twilight's house door, noting again how new it looked with a twinge of guilt, and looked around. Only Spike was in sight.

“Hey Spike, have you seen Twilight?”

“Yeah, she's right downstairs Rainbow Dash.”

Dash groaned. She knew Twilight wouldn't let her back. Still she sneaked downstairs to find that Twilight wasn't there. But the portal was. That sneaky mare! Thought she could have Derpy all to herself behind her back, eh? Well she'd show her. Not caring for the consequence of having two ponies at once in the portal; Dash entered the portal.

*****

“Oh hey Fluttershy, can we talk?”

Fluttershy looked up. “Sure Twilight, what is it?” She was glad to take a break and talk to her friend after hours of tending to the critters.

“Oh nothing, I just wanted to talk to you about that portal. You see, after Celestia closed it she told me a lot more about what she'd learnt. She suggested that the reason for its strangeness was that it was unstable, unfinished, and the reason it chose Derpy was because it was spilt over the mail: Derpy's DNA!”

“Umm, that's nice Twilight. I remember the portal but I don't remember anything about Derp-”

“Furthermore,” interrupted Twilight, “I managed to recreate one earlier this day; this time using another ponies' DNA. I also learnt how to make the time inside the portal permenant and how to close it when I want to. Do you know what this means?”

“That we can all have fun with animals?”

“That I can trap anypony stupid enough to enter. Of course I only have their interests in mind: to remove previous desires from the last portal by making this one so unappealing and boring to them that their mind is straightened out. Of course, I might take slight satisfaction in the matter.”

“Err...”

“Good day Fluttershy,” said Twilight; who left proudly, leaving a very puzzled pegasus to attend to the animals.

And a very angry pegasus too.

THE END