Ponyville Zero

"Just 'cause you can kill something doesn't mean you should."

-James Heller

“So you discovered what the powder was made of. But why didn’t you just let the creature go? Let it infect someone? It would have saved you a lot of time.”

“Maybe. But I’ve done my research. Turns out there’s a spell for that. ‘Virus Prevention’ I believe it was called. Doesn’t quite kill the virus but it keeps it from reproducing. It requires a lot of power and concentration, but not too much for an Alicorn or even just a magically gifted unicorn to handle. I have to make sure when It’s released there’s no one in any position to stop Blacklight before it can spread properly.”

“And what of Zecora? What did you do with her?”

“Have you seen any zebras as of late? What do you think I did? Bought her a plane ticket to Hawaii?”

“No need to be hostile.”

“It’s like you never met me.”

“Technically I never have. Though I am a big fan of your work, I’ve never actually met you face to face. Until now, that is.”

“I’m so touched.”

“You know…I’ve been watching you, Mercer. For a long time now. You first gained my attention when you defeated Mother. An auspicious achievement, one would say.”

“Eh, wasn’t that hard.”

“Hm, certainly not. Compared to what you’ve done since…it’s child play.”

“Flattery will get you nowhere.”

“I expected as much. You are a humble man, after all.”

“I refer you to my previous statement.”

“Hahaha…I suppose the time for idle chit chat is over now, correct?”

“I’ve been waiting for you to cut the act since ‘I’m your biggest fan’.”

“Of course. This whole ordeal is growing tiresome. It’s about time we got down to business.”

“I agree.”

“What is it that you’d like to ask me?”

“You know what that is.”

“You already asked that question. I gave you my answer. I think we both should just move on.”

“You call that an answer? ‘You already know who I am; you just haven’t realized it yet’? I’m sorry, I don’t speak in riddles you arrogant fruit!”

“…Just ask your question, Alex.”

“Fine. How could you have found out so much about me? You’re a pony and I’ve only been here for a week. Unless you can read minds, there’s something else going on here.”

“I already told you, I’ve been watching you for a long time.”

“That’s impossible. Unless you…somehow followed me here…”

“There you go. Now you’re starting to get it.”

“No…there’s no way.”

“Said the shape shifting former human turned pony.”

“…What are you?”

“You already know that as well. Come on now, you’re smart enough to figure this out.”

“Would you just shut up already!? I’m having a very difficult time keeping myself from killing you as it is!”

“So sorry. I didn’t mean to make you feel pressured. If it will help, why don’t you continue on with your story? I’d love to hear how you finished the job with Zecora.”

“I might as well. It’s not like you’re doing any explaining. Let’s see…where was I? Ah, right. Zecora attacked me with deadly Bloodtox, I discovered it contained Blacklight, and someone was helping her to kill me. Fortunately, now that it was general knowledge that Zecora had tried to kill Berry Punch, she was placed on the ‘Most Wanted’ list, so at least now I had some help in finding her…”

“…I understand how this must sound; we haven’t had a crime this bad in Ponyville since…well, ever. Attempted murder isn’t exactly something we are used to dealing with, so all I ask is that you bear with us until we can uncover Zecora’s whereabouts and bring her in for questioning. If you have any information that would be helpful, please alert me immediately. And if you see her, do not attempt to approach her. We aren’t yet sure if she plans to harm any other citizens, so it’s better to play it safe. Again, I am deeply sorry to have to give you this awful news. I will answer any questions you may have on the subject, so if you wish to ask me anything, just stay after and I will explain whatever I can. Thank you for your cooperation and further support in this matter. I hope you can still have a nice day after hearing all this.” The Mayor finished her speech with an air of guilt, uncomfortable with having to explain that a previously trusted and well respected member of the community was now on the run for trying to kill another pony. The crowd gathered within the Town Hall turned to leave, murmurs of “I can’t believe she would do such a thing” and “I’ve never trusted her to begin with” filling the room while the majority made their egress. The few that stayed made their way to where Mayor Mare now stood; patiently waiting for the small group of ponies around her to stop trying to talk over each other so she could answer their worried questions one at a time.

The topic up for discussion was, obviously, the news that Zecora was now a wanted criminal. It seemed no one was taking it well; emotions ran from complete disbelief to utter outrage, some even growing so angry that they volunteered to help hunt her down. Many were simply reverting back to being scared and rushing to their homes to close the shutters and hide. The entire town was nearing a total sense of panic.

And Mercer couldn’t be giddier. He was literally walking about with a skip in his step, reveling in the state of unease he’d created. Or rather, that Berry Punch created, seeing as how her graphic and well-spoken recount of the events of and leading up to Zecora attempting to kill her had succeeded in spooking everyone just as he’d planned. Now he could just about sit back and wait for word of her whereabouts to reach him. For the first time since he’d gotten here, things were going his way. Once again, Mercer could not be giddier.

He was still disguised as Berry since his debut on stage, politely accepting everyone’s well wishes and relief that she hadn’t been seriously injured. He gave out assurances that he wasn’t maimed in any way like they were candy at Halloween, yet the constant attention did nothing to dampen his high spirits. It was annoying, and the second he got a chance to make a beeline for the exit he did so with gusto, but it was worth it to know he had turned an entire town against the one pony who was actually trying to help them.

Once outside he took a deep breath, relaxing for the first time after what seemed like hours. He looked up at the sun, squinting hard as the bright light flooded his eyes. The sun was at its highest point in the sky, putting the current time at about noon. That would mean he had been trapped inside there for nearly two hours. He was looking forward to finding somewhere secluded so he could change out of this skin without being seen.

Mercer set off for the nearest alley, barely making it two steps before he heard someone shout behind him. He turned his head in the direction it came from, seeing a very angry looking blonde headed mare wearing a Stetson stomping her way through the crowd of ponies around the Town Hall. She seemed to be staring straight at him, and at first he thought he was just imagining it, but as she got closer he realized she really was staring at him. Her eyes were narrowed and she wore a nasty scowl he’d only ever seen on Heller, who apparently had a medical condition that prevented him from showing any other expression.

When she finally got close enough she all but screamed “Where is he!?” in his face. He stared back at her blankly, waiting for her to give him something else to allow for a guess as to what she was talking about. After a moment she spoke again, this time in a lower pitch then before. “Berry, ah know ya’ll jest went through a traw-matic experience an’ all, but ah need ya to tell me where that insensitive varmint went so ah can give ‘im a well-deserved flank whoopin’ that’ll rattle his teeth like a wind chime in a rainstorm!”

“…Uhhh…” Mercer continued to stare dumbly. “…Are you…looking for someone?”

Applejack sighed, visibly deflating from her anger. “Look. Ahm sorry fer shoutin’ at ya. You ain’t the one ahm angry with. But ah caint find the one ahm angry with so ah guess ah took it out on you.”

He nodded slowly. “So then…who are you looking for?”

The cowpony narrowed her eyes at him. “Mercer. An’ don’t ya’ll lie to me, ah know ya know him. He walked ya home that night on his welcomin’ party an’ ah’ve seen ‘im goin’ in ta that shop ‘o yers on more than one occasion. Can ya please jest tell me where he went so ah can find ‘im? It’s very important.”

“Can I at least ask what you would like to talk to him about?”

“Ah would like to talk ta him ‘bout bein’ an insensitive varmint! Now could ya please tell me where he is? Ah’ve been lookin’ fer him all over Ponyville, but it’s like he just up an’ vanished in ta thin air!”

‘Or something like that’ he thought to himself. He cleared his throat. “Um…yeah, I asked him to watch my shop for me while I dealt with this whole ‘Zecora’ thing. He should still be there, if you want to talk to him so bad.”

Applejack tipped her hat. “Thank ya kindly, Berry Punch. Now if’n you’ll excuse me…” With that she took off in a dead run, sprinting down the road as fast as she could.

Mercer watched her go, impressed that an Earth pony could run so fast. He waited until she had rounded the corner up ahead and ran out of sight before bolting towards the nearest building, swinging around to the opposite side so no one could see him scale the wall and pull himself onto the roof. He jumped to the next building over, charging his legs so he could launch himself over the edge. He continued doing this for every leap, timing each jump so he landed without missing a step. Mid jump over a particularly large gap he switched out of his disguise as Berry Punch, returning himself to his normal pony form, if he could even call that normal.

As he made a longer jump over a street just a few blocks down from the one Berry’s shop was on, he saw a flash of orange shoot by underneath him. Upon landing he took off in the same direction, his inhuman speed easily letting him gallop along the rooftops and overtake Applejack. Making one last, powerful jump he cleared the remaining distance between him and the roof of the store, hopping over the lip of the chimney and pulling himself down it. He erupted out of the brick, a cloud of soot and ash falling out with him as he knocked over more than a few cooling racks in the store.

Someone began pounding on the door, yelling something incoherent. Mercer got up and shook himself off, running across the room and planting himself in a comfortable position by the front desk just as the door flew open, a still very angry Applejack storming in.

“Alright Mercer! Ya’ll got to the count o’ ten to explain why you-what in the hay happened in here?”

The cloud of ash had yet to fully settle, and what did was collecting on the floor and being spread around by the water from a bucket that had been near one of the cooling racks. That along with the mess that had been made from the day before when Mercer knocked over a shelf, the place looked like hell.

Speaking of Mercer, he was surveying the damage inside the store like he was seeing it for the first time. “Oh, that? That was like that when I got here. I think Berry is trying out some new redecorating ideas. Not very good, if you ask me. Maybe a bit too high brow for some people.”

Applejack ignored him, losing interest in the condition of the shop and instead choosing to stomp over to where Mercer sat and grab hold of the front of his jacket, hauling him to his feet and pulling his face dangerously close to her own. “You listen up, Mercer, and listen good. Ya’ll gone too far this time, an’ unless you make it better ahm gonna throw ya to the Timber wolves!”

“Okay, okay, hold on a second. What in the fucks sake are you talking about? Have you been hitting the cider a bit too much lately?”

“No ah have not been ‘hittin’ the cider’ lately! An’ ah would appreciate it if ya wouldn’t use that kind o’ language ‘round me!”

“Prude.” He mumbled under his breath. “Fine then. Can you tell me what you’re talking about so I can join this one sided conversation of yours?”

“You know exactly what ahm talkin’ ‘bout, don’t try to play dumb with me!”

“Just for a moment let’s pretend I have no idea what you are ‘talkin’ ‘bout’. What did I ever do to earn this kind of treatment and why are you yelling at me three inches from my face?”

The blond headed mare sighed, finally letting go of his jacket and taking a step back. “Pinkie Pie. Yesterday ya’ll had a picnic with her and the twins. She says ya’ll were havin’ a nice time until you screamed at her and said ya weren’t her friend.”

“Oh Christ…” Is that what this was all about? A stupid pink pony was upset because he refused to be her friend? Unbelievable. “So what, did she tell on me or something?”

“No, ah didn’t even know about it until the Cakes came over ta ask fer mah help because she refused ta come down from her room.”

“Then what is this all about?”

“She’s cryin’ ya inconsiderate knuckle-dragger!” Applejack reached over and smacked the back of Mercer’s head. “She’s cryin’ ‘cause all she wanted was ta be your friend and you yelled at her. You caused this, now yer gonna fix it.”

He scoffed. “Like hell I am! I don’t even like her! Why would I go out of my way just to cheer her up?”

“’Cause she’s mah friend, an’ ahm askin’ ya to.” All the anger she held dissipated, her shoulders sagging as the fight left her. “Ah know she ain’t the easiest pony ta be ‘round, an’ admittedly sometimes she is a bit difficult ta talk to. But she really is a nice pony who just wanted ta be yer friend.” She looked at him pleadingly. “Please, will ya just go talk ta her? Ya don’t have ta be her friend if’n ya don’t want to, but the least you can do is apologize an’ make her feel better.”

Mercer growled quietly. It wasn’t like he had anything better to do while he waited for word of Zecora to reach him, but spending his newfound free time coddling an annoying pony just wasn’t how he imagined spending his day. Then again, it was best not to anger anyone just yet. He might need their help later and he didn’t want to burn those bridges before he crossed them.

Sighing in defeat, he gave in to her request. “Alright. Do you have any playing cards? I have a feeling cheering her up is going to require a few dozen games of ‘Old Mare’ to accomplish.”

The smell of baked goods and sugary frosting reached Mercer’s nose as he entered Sugar Cube Corner. A bell above the door rang when he swung it open, the few customers inside turning their heads to the newcomer, regarding his strange appearance for a moment before returning to their business. He stood in front of the doorway, looking around the room for the proprietor of the establishment that Applejack had told him to talk to. The only other ponies he could see were seated away from each other and eating their sweet smelling pastries in relative silence. Except for the couple in the corner, who were giggling and whispering quietly with one another.

Seeing no one of any use, he walked up to the counter, eyeing the note that was placed on it that said “Making cupcakes, back in 20 minutes”. He stared at it for a few seconds, his half lidded gaze never leaving the second part of the note. Having just gotten here, he wasn’t sure how long ago they had put the note there, but with his luck it had been placed less than a minute before his arrival. Being in no mood to wait nineteen minutes, he figured no one would mind if he “accidentally” knocked over the flower vase on the end of the counter to get the attention of the staff.

Mercer looked around to make sure no one was currently watching him, slowly raising his hoof up and giving it a quick tap. The vase tilted to its tipping point, spinning around while rocking back and forth. Finally it reached the edge of the counter, hanging dangerously close to falling. For a few tense milliseconds it seemed as if it would, but ultimately it gently fell back and settled into its normal upright position. He frowned, glaring at the offending decorative piece. He once again raised his hoof and forcefully shoved the vase, launching it several feet from the counter and making it shatter against the wall.

The sudden noise startled the other customers, the majority of them jumping in their seats, all except for the couple in the corner, who continued to laugh softly unfazed by the sound of shattering glass. Within moments an amber colored Earth pony wearing a white apron and a striped orange hat and bowtie came out from the kitchen, his eyes wide as they scanned the place for the source of the noise. He noticed the pieces of the vase near the wall, and when he looked for the culprit his accusatory glare landed on the hooded pony standing by the counter.

“Oops.” Was all Mercer had to say for himself.

The baker simply sighed, hanging his head before approaching Mercer and asking with obvious forced politeness “May I help you, sir?”

“Yeah, have you seen a bubblegum pink pony with extremely curly hair and a tendency to annoy the living hell out of anyone within earshot?”

His glare disappeared, being replaced with a look of guilt. “You’re looking for Pinkie Pie? I don’t think now is a good time. She’s currently not in the mood to talk to anypony for the moment.”

“That’s why I’m here. Applejack told me to stop by to talk to her-”

“Applejack sent you? Wait, then that means…” He narrowed his eyes at him. “You’re the one that upset Pinkie so much.” His words held a lot of hostility. “You have a lot of nerve coming here! Pinkie Pie is a good pony and she doesn’t deserve to be treated like that so harshly-”

Mercer waved his hoof in front of the baker’s face. “Yeah, yeah, I get the picture. I’m not here to yell at her more, I just came to apologize. Now point me in the direction of her room and you can consider us copacetic.”

The pony continued to glare at Mercer as he gestured towards the stairs on his right. “Fine. She’s up in the loft. If she’ll let you in you can talk to her, but if I hear you even so much as raise your voice to her-”

“Yep, I hear ya. Whatever you say.” Mercer interrupted him before making his way up to the loft. As he passed the end table near the bottom step, he purposefully bumped into it, knocking the glass jars on it off the table and breaking them. He laughed; ignoring the glare he received and continuing to climb the stairs.

Pinkie Pie’s room was exactly how he pictured it to be. It was bright and colorful, and, surprisingly enough, clean and orderly. All manner of party supplies lay stockpiled in organized rows against the far wall, leaving plenty of room in the middle for…whatever it is Pinkie Pie does when she’s alone.

Of course that wasn’t his main focus. What was had her back turned to him, softly sniffling to herself. Her hair had somehow lost all of its curliness, lying straight down along her back. Even her tail had gone flat, like someone let the air out of a balloon. But the strangest thing about her appearance was that the color of her coat had dropped a few shades as well. Mercer shook his head. It must have been a trick of his eye. Last he checked ponies weren’t chameleons; they couldn’t change color according to their mood. Or maybe they could in this world. He wasn’t sure. It was getting harder to believe the laws of physics still applied to this place the longer he stayed.

Mercer cleared his throat. “Uh…Pinkie Pie? Mind if I…talk to you?” She gave him no reply. “…I didn’t hear a no, so I’m just going to talk anyway.” She shifted her position a little, but otherwise did nothing. “…Damn it Pinkie Pie, I’m not playing this game!” He walked around to face her, stopping only when he saw her actual face.

Tears stained both her cheeks, and her eyes held more sadness than he had ever seen in her. And that was saying something; this was the mare that once cried for ten minutes because she ran out of blue frosting. It was unnerving to see her so depressed. Unnatural even.

Pinkie offered him a small smile. “Hi Mercer. Fancy meeting you here.” Her voice was quiet, reminding him of when Fluttershy spoke. Carefully, she wiped the tears from her eyes and cheeks, sitting up straight facing him fully. “What did you want to talk about?”

He didn’t reply right away; he was too shocked to speak for the moment. “…Uh…yeah…I…Applejack asked me to come…” He sat down in front of her. “I came to…say I’m sorry.” He coughed on the last word, disguising it so she wouldn’t understand him.

“…You’re what?”

Sighing, he spoke again. “I said I was sorry. I shouldn’t have yelled at you like that. You were just trying to be nice so…I’m sorry.” Mercer was beginning to feel like a five year old. To say this was humiliating was an understatement. “There. I apologized. So now you can stop being-” He waved his hoof to indicate all of her. “This.”

The pink mare smiled again. “…Thank you.” Her smile faded and she let her head droop. “…And I’m sorry too. I shouldn’t have brought up Dan-” She stopped when she noticed the look in Mercer’s eyes turn predatory. “I mean, I shouldn’t have talked about…your sister. I didn’t mean to make you upset. I just wanted to help you feel better…” Fresh tears threatened to fall and stain her cheeks once more. He pulled away slightly, afraid if she started crying again she would try to hug him.

“Yes, well…just don’t let it happen again.” He tried making his way to the door. “If we’re done here I guess it’s about time I left…”

“Wait.” He froze with his hoof on the handle. “Mercer…I know you said you didn’t want to be my friend…but…”

He clenched his teeth, muttering “Ah crap…”

A hoof on his shoulder made him turn his head. Pinkie was staring at him with pleading eyes. “…Will you please be my friend?”

“Pinkie-”

“Mercer.” Her eyes gained a bit of conviction, and for the first time since he’d known her, she actually seemed to be taking something seriously. “Please.”

“…Why is this so important to you?”

“Because I’m worried about you Mercer. What you said, it hurt my feelings, but I was more upset about how you felt.”

He shrugged her hoof off his shoulder. “What are you talking about?”

“You told me you didn’t need my friendship. You never said you didn’t want a friend. You’re always so grumpy and mean, but I know you don’t mean to be.” She grinned at him, the color of her coat raising a few shades while she did so. “You remind me a lot of Twilight when she first got to Ponyville. She had no idea how to make friends, and she just wanted to be left alone. Maybe you just need to learn how to make friends and then you won’t feel so lonely.” Mercer watched fascinated as her coat returned to its normal color. Her hair remained straight, though it was beginning to gain some of its curliness back. “If you don’t want Applejack mad at you anymore, you just have to make me a special promise.”

He sighed. If all it took to make these simple-minded ponies happy was to make a stupid promise, then so be it. “…Fine. What’s this promise then?”

“A Pinkie Promise.”

Mercer cocked an eyebrow. “A Pinkie Promise? I shudder to ask what that is.”

“Once you make a Pinkie Promise, you can’t break it no matter what.”

“Like I’ve ever-”

She pressed her face against his, opening her eyes as wide as she could to stare him down. “No. Matter. What.” Pinkie put emphasis on each word she spoke.

The two stayed like that for a few more uncomfortable moments, Mercer finding himself unable to look the pink mare directly in the eyes. “…Pinkie Pie?”

“Yeah?”

“You can get away from me now.”

“But I haven’t gotten a taste yet.”

“A taste of what?”

As soon as he asked, he suddenly felt something warm and wet travel up the length of his neck, starting from his chest up to just under his chin. Mercer’s immediate reaction was to push the pony away, wiping her saliva off his chin and uttering a string of insults about her compulsive behavior.

“Fuck Pinkie Pie, what the hell did you do that for!?”

She began laughing, falling over onto her back while flailing her hooves around in the air. At one point in her fit of laughter she hiccupped, causing her to pause for a second before continuing to roll on the floor and giggle between hiccups.

“I-I’m sorry Mercer-hic-I couldn’t resist! Rarity was talking about how-hic-yummy you look; I just wanted to see if you really tasted as good as she-hic-said!”

“Why in the hell would Rarity say I tasted good?”

“I don’t know. The other day Fluttershy invited all of us to a picnic, but only Rarity and I were able to go because everyone else said they weren’t able to make it. Well, Rainbow Dash didn’t actually say she couldn’t make it; technically she just waved a hoof at me to go away from the cloud she was sleeping on. Applejack said she had too much work to get done on the farm, and Twilight was studying again. Anyway-”

Mercer placed his hoof on her mouth to shut her up. “Pinkie, before you say anything more, please tell me there is a point to this story.”

She nodded her head, and he pulled his hoof away to allow her to continue. “Well, we were enjoying the picnic and eating the cupcakes I brought and then Fluttershy said they were yummy and Rarity said not as yummy as a certain stallion and then Fluttershy blushed and I asked which stallion and Rarity said it was you and that you were tastier then some plain old cupcake. Which is weird because you’re not even that tasty. If you were a cupcake I would suggest less cinnamon.”

The look on Mercer’s face from hearing he had been called “yummy” by a talking horse was a mixture of appalled and disgusted. “…Pinkie I don’t think she was meaning I literally…eh, never mind.”

She giggled again, smiling sincerely at him. A weird sizzling sound began to fill the room, confusing him to its origins before realizing it was being emitted from her hair. In stunned silence he watched as her straight hair curled slowly at the edges, pulling tighter and tighter like each strand held a consciousness of its own. With one loud, final pop her mane returned to its original style, the overall color and brightness back to normal as well.

Mercer wasn’t as surprised to see the phenomenon as he thought he would be. Over the span of a week he’d seen Pinkie do stranger things, to say this was the weirdest she’d ever done after watching her eat twice her own weight in frosting would be a lie.

When Pinkie was done giggling he cleared his throat to gain back her attention. “Alright, now that you’re…you again, would you mind explaining how this ‘Pinkie Promise’ works?”

Nodding her head vigorously, she began excitedly showing him the intricate movements required to successfully perform a Pinkie Promise, as well as the mantra he needed to recite word for word. At least that’s how he expected it to go. What he got instead was a bad variation of “Cross my heart” that included a hope of flying in place of death and the insertion of a pastry into one’s eye instead of a sharp metal object. By the time she was done explaining what would happen if he were to do something stupid like break a Pinkie Promise Mercer was beginning to develop a new found fear of the pink pony. Quite clearly she was as unbalanced as she was unpredictable. He wouldn’t put it past her to try and make cupcakes out of Rainbow Dash one day.

“…And so I followed her all around town to make sure she didn’t break her Pinkie Promise to Spike about him liking Rarity-”

“That is single handedly the most interesting story I have ever heard Pinkie Pie, but if you wouldn’t mind, what is it exactly that you want me to Pinkie Promise? You know, besides promising to be your friend.”

Her expression dropped. “…I want you to promise that you won’t ever hurt me like that again.”

“That’s it? Come on Pinkie, this is ridiculous-”

“Or any of my friends. Especially Fluttershy.”

“That’s bullsh-”

“And no more cursing.”

“What!?”

“You have to Pinkie Promise, Mercer.” She pleaded, giving him puppy dog eyes that, to his chagrin, were actually working on him.

With a grunt, he agreed. He brought his hoof up to his chest and made an X motion over his chest. “Cross my heart and hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye.” He poked his hoof at his right eye, making sure it was closed first to avoid any embarrassment. “I Pinkie Promise I will not hurt you or your friends.” She narrowed her eyes. He rolled his. “Especially Fluttershy.”

“And…?” She drew the word out slowly.

Mercer clenched his teeth. “And I promise not to curse anymore.”

“Aaaand?”

“Damn it Pinkie Pie!” She glared at him. “I mean…darn it.”

“See? Don’t you feel better now that you have a real friend?”

“I’m overjoyed.” He replied dully.

Before he could react he found himself in a bear hug, choking on the light fuzz of her mane as she once again caught him in a tight embrace.

“…Pinkie, I know you must be excited about this, but now that we’re friends can you do me a favor and stop hugging me!?” He pushed her off and scowled when the action only made her giggle again. “How’s about you make me a Pinkie Promise to never hug me again?”

“Silly, that’s not how they work!”

He sighed. “Of course not.” With that he began making his way to her window, flicking the lock up and pushing it open. Pinkie cocked her head, looking at him in confusion.

“What are you doing?”

“We’re done here, are we not? If so I’d like to leave now. I’ve got a busy schedule to keep.” He hiked a leg over the window, pulling himself onto the sill and perching there like a bird.

“Why don’t you just use the door?”

“Because that would mean meeting that baker that I crossed paths with on the way up here again.”

“You mean Mr. Cake? What’s wrong with him?”

“I don’t like him.”

“So you’re going to jump out of the window?”

“Exactly.” To prove his point, he let go of the window frame and pushed off with his legs, letting gravity do its job and take him the short way down to the street below. Pinkie walked over to the window and peered over it, seeing Mercer walking away from Sugar Cube Corner unharmed and without so much as a limp.

“And they say I’m random.”

“So you made a friend. How nice.”

“Unfortunately, yes. Pinkie Pie is…odd, to say the least, but I suppose I could have found a worse friend.”

“Beggars can’t be choosers.”

“Excuse me?”

“I’m just saying, you’re not exactly in a position to complain.”

“And why is that?”

“Well, she was your first friend, was she not?”

“…”

“You care for her. Even if you won’t admit it to yourself, you care about how she’s feeling.”

“…Enough.”

“Deep down you’re glad she became your friend.”

“I said enough.”

“You didn’t go there because you were forced; you went because you felt guilty.”

“I don’t feel guilt.”

“Do you? You said when you saw her face you hesitated. If that’s not guilt-”

“It wasn’t. I was just…caught off guard.”

“You knew you caused the pain she felt. It was guilt, Mercer.”

“She was a crying pony, who wouldn’t hesitate after seeing that?”

“Maybe someone who didn’t feel guilty?”

“Don’t mock me.”

“I don’t mean to step on any toes here. Or, hooves, as it may be. I’m merely speaking my opinion on the matter.”

“Well, it’s wrong.”

“I wouldn’t be so sure about that.”

“You’re beginning to piss me off.”

“Why would you feel guilty for hurting someone you claim to dislike?”

“I told you I don’t-”

“Unless she reminded you of someone.”

“I swear, I will kill you.”

“You’re sister, perhaps?”

“…”

“Looks like I hit a nerve.”

“…What are you getting at?”

“Well, Dana was the only person you ever showed affection for, correct? Why would Alex Mercer, the man who single handedly released the deadly Blacklight virus on New York and infiltrated a powerful high security organization with his own race of superhuman beings he created himself, show mercy to a small pony simply because she shed a few tears?”

“…”

“Pinkie means more to you than you let on. She was sad and you wanted to make her feel better. You were happy when she started smiling again. Happy that you were what made her smile.”

“You’re an idiot.”

“Am I wrong?”

“Very.”

“Alright, fair enough. You know better, I suppose.”

“That’s right.”

“Now, onto the next chapter. You did promise me a dead zebra, after all.”

“I suppose I did.”

“You had the entire town on alert and looking for Zecora. You probably just sat back and waited for her to show up, right?”

“Not entirely.”

“What do you mean?”

“I got roped into some…other business.”

“Being?”

“…I had to go on a date.”