That Ship Has Sailed
By BronyWriter
Alt title: What Happens when BronyWriter is hit by a party cannon loaded with chocolate chip cookie dough.
Princess Celestia sat on her throne and sighed. Today was not gonna be an easy day for her. it was hearts and Hooves day and already she was feeling bad that she didn't have a certain special somepony to live with! Twilight Sparkle did if her journal that Celestia read every night was any indication, Pinkie Pie did, that meant that evreypony did! It was just her all alone withut somepony to love and hold! At thsi point she was pretty desperate. She would have taken just about anypony by that point.
"NO," she said to herself. "I will not just stand by and spend my 345,574th Hearts and Hooves day all alone! I'm gonna find spnony to love if it kills me and that doesn't even make sense since I'm a goddess~!"
Celestia turned her head to the door. "LUna!" she abrked. "Luna come out here at once!"
Instantly Luna bounded out of the door and stood by her sister smiling. "Whaddya want Tia?" she asked excitedly. "You never talk to me!"
"Luna this is important, I have no ti9me for your questions," said Celestia with a wave of her hoof. "I need you to watch the throne for me while I go out to find somepony to love!"
"But I love you!" said Luna.
"Then watch the throne for me while I find somepony to love me back!"
Before Luna could tell her sister that she loved her again Celestia bounced out of the room like Pinkie PIe would do and flew all the way over to Ponyville. "Surely somepony will lvoe me here," she muttered to herself. She landed directly on top of the fountain in the middle of ponyville and looked around at all of the happy couples.
She sighed. Everypony already seemed to be with somepony today! Rainbow Dash was with The Mayor, Mr. and Mrs Cake were snuggling at her hooves, and even Fluttershy was talking with Mare-Do-Well!
"Everypony has somepony but me!" Celestia wailed. "Even..." She gasped when she saw him and flew down next to him. "Discord!" she cried. "What are you doing here?!"
The Draconniquus turned to her and smiled. He was sipping snozz-berry juice out of a coconut with an umbrella. "I"m just here with my special somepony," Discord laughed. "It is hearts and Hooves day after all!"
Celestia gasped when she saw the mare he with with. "Wha... Colgate?!" she cried. "How do you love Discord so much?"
Colgate giggled. "Have you seen how well groomed he keeps his fangs?" she retorted. "I could never love somepony like you who had eighty-seven cavities the last time I checked you up!"
"But Colgate I've never had a cavity! It's biologically impossible for me to have one!"
Colgate opened her mouth then closed it in confusion. She shrugged and her glare hardened. "Well be that as it may I don't love you anyway! Your hare is too wavy!"
"Don't you mean my hair?"
"No, your hare!"
The trio looked behind Celestia to see Celestia's other pet, a hare named Fredrico, standing behind them. It smiled and waved at them. Discord clicked his tongue and shook his head sadly and Celestia flinched back as if she had been shot. "See, your hare is too wavy!" said Colgate triumphantly. "This can never be!"
Celestia hid her head in her wing and began crying as Discord giggled. " Come, dear Colgate, let us go on the merry-go-round. Celestia isn't merry so she can't go."
"Plus she's an alicorn, she wouldn't fit," said Colgate simply.
The two walked away snuggling each other and Celestia slammed her hoof down on the table. "No, I won't let the fact that this is merely the latest in a lifelong string of failures bother me! I will find somepony!"
She angrily flipped the table and walked away. She walked over and over again until she thought. "I'll try Rarity. She shall surely be the best on how to get into a stable, monogomous relationship."
Celestia smiled to herself but didn't turn the table back over since that felt good and walked over to Carousel Boutique. She knocked on the door and Sweetie Belle opened it. "Hello, Princess!" siad the filly. "I take it you're here to talk to Rarity?" Celestia smiled and nodded. Sweetie Belle flattened her ears. "She's not here right now."
"Why not, Scootaloo?"
"Sweetie Belle."
"Yes, that one. Why not?"
Sweetie belle looked solemn. "Well, it all started when Opal fell in love with Winona. See, since dogs and cats fight all of the time, Winona's cat parents and Opal's dog parents said that Opal and Winona couldn't be together so Opal did this plan where she preteneded to be dead so that Winona could come for her but Winona didn't know that so she went to where Opal was buried and killed herself then Opal woke up and killed herself and Rarity and Applejack have been dealing with that. It's really funny!"
Celestia gasped. "Funny? Why in the name of Lu... I mean, me is that funny?"
Sweetie Belle shrugged. "Well time plus tragedy equals comedy, right?"
"And when did this happen?"
"Rarity left about fifteen seconds before you go here. In fact..." Sweetie Belle's ears flattened. "She told me that I wasn't supposed to tell you where she was. She said that Twilight was gonna tell you the story in a friendship report she was gonna send. Oops."
Princess Celestia smiled warmly down at Sweetie Belle. "It is alright, my child. We all make mistakes. And I do suppose it is a little funny." Sweetie Belle perked up and Celestia smiled. Before she could talk again a scroll materialized in front of her. Celestia chuckled. "Well since you just told me the story then I don't have to waste time reading it when I can be finding my true love. It is good that I ran into you today, Sweetie Belle!"
The filly smiled and Celestia incinerated the letter. She turned around and walked away. She tapped her forehead with her hoof like Winnie The Pooh would and even said 'think, think, think,' like Winnie the Pooh did while the hoof hitting her head said 'thunk, thunk, thunk,' also like Winnie the Pooh sometimes.
"Aha!" said Celestia while a burned out light bulb appeared over her forehead. "I'll go talk to Lyra Heartstrings! She'll know all about sane relationships! Opal and Winona didn't!"
Giggilng at her genius, Princess Celestia walked right into Lyra's home without knocking and into the basement. There she saw Lyra Heartstrings standing in front of a weird machine. Each time Lyra pressed the button on the machine a portal opened up and she took a human out of it. She saw Princess Celestia and smiled. "Hello, Tia, I'm going humaning today! It's like fishing but with humans!" She waved her foreleg to the side and saw that Lyra had a productive day humaning as she had caught Dan from Dan vs FIM, TD, John De Lancie, Barack Obama, and John Denver. She giggled and pressed the button again and the portal opened up. Lyra reached through and pulled another human through the portal. "Ah-ha! Mr. Rogers! My collection gorws!"
Celesti smiled. "Can I try that? I'm looking for my one true love!"
Lyra smiled and motioned over to the machine. Celesta smiled and pressed the button and the portal opened. She giggled and pulled out a human but her smile fell when she saw who it was. "Oh no, I caught The Cleveland Browns!"
"All of them?" asked Lyra, looking over Ceelstia's shoulder.
Celestia nodded and motioned her head to the entire football team in her forelegs. "I can't use this!" she wailed.
Lyra grinned. "Well I'll take them off of your hands!" Celestia's smile returned and she handed the entire Cleveland Browns footabll team to Lyra and left her house.
"What a nice, well adjusted mare," she said to herself. "But that doesn't solve my problem!"
She decided to walk over to Twilight's since she would know all about how to get a date but what she wsaw there made her gasp. Nightmare MooN!"
"Nightmare MooN!" cried Celestia.
"My name is Nightmare Moon!" said Nightmare Moon!
"I said that!" said Celestia.
"I know, so did I," said Nightmare Moon. "I am here to bring ebout eternal night because I don't get my way!"
"I told you she was here princess!" said twilight. "Thank goodness you got my letter that I sent you a few minutes ago and didn't burn it!"
"Yes I'm sure it was a fascinating read but this is serious! Mightmare Noon is here!"
"I think we've established that!" said Minghtmare Noon. "I'm here because I cannot be with the one I love and who loves me!"
"You have a special sompony too?" Celestia moaned.
"YES!" cried an eighth voice. "It is I!"
Celestia gasped when she saw who it was. "Babs Seed as a a grownup?! You're in love with Nightmare MooN?!"
"She is mine and I am hers!" said adult Babs Seed. "She is my special..."
"Don't interrupt!" said Celestia. "This is ridiculous, why are you sad now, Temnorag Minho?"
"Because!" said Nightmare Moon. "I cannot be with the one I love!"
"Yes you can!" said Celestia.
Nightmare Moon froze. "I can?
"Yes!"
"Okay, then I guess there isn't a problem then."
Nightmare Moon and grown up babs Seed walked into the sunset, talking about pina coladas and getting caught in the fiery hail.
"Why will nopony love me?!" siad Celestia. "I just solved the problem of Nightmare Moon again!"
"Did somepiny say, love?"
Celestia turned around anf gasped when she saw him. "Garble the dragon!" she cried.
"Namby-pamby pony princess Celestia!" cried garble.
"You are ravishing!"
"I agree!"
"It was meant to be!"
The Garble and Celestia had a one night stand without being in the same room or making any kind of contact at all.
The end.
Author's Note
3rd Alt title: Don't Ask, Just Don't Ask.
