Private Porkchop's Portal Problem

by Mustache Pig

Rating: everyone
Tags: Crossover, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Other, Cutie Mark Crusaders, Queen Chrysalis
Length: 1250

Private Porkchop, a pig minion of the Space King Pig, is sent through a warp into Equestria via Angry Bird attack.

After a flock of furious fowls fouls up the Pig Bang project, a colossal cloning contraption that when completed, will preserve piggy life, the resulting explosion and vortex sends the sole survivor of the siege, a guard named Porkchop, into a strange new world inhabited by strange creatures called "ponies". Will Porkchop return to his home dimension? Or will he stay in Equestria, forced or otherwise?

Published 2013-04-08 05:10:02 UTC
Last updated 2013-04-15 22:56:51 UTC

Bright Beginnings

Our story begins on a small asteroid, inhabited by a group of small green sphere-bodied pigs living in small house-like structures. But this is merely a front for a more technologically advanced truth! Merely feet below the surface of the space rock, a giant room with a large machine rests, with pig scientists manning the equipment, and pig engineers working on the machine in the center of the room. What is this colossal contraption's purpose, you ask? Why, it's a cloning machine! When completed, the "Pig Bang Project" will be able to resurrect a dead piggy to full healthy condition in the time-span of a mere second! I won't bore you with the details, but all you need to know is that the Angry Birds, the mortal enemy of the pigs, don't like it. Which is, of course, why there were sirens suddenly going off in the lab. The lone guard, Porkchop, called the scientists to attention.

"Alright, alright, calm down, everyone! I'll go see what's causing trouble on the surface," said Porkchop as he activated the surface elevator.

Upon reaching the surface, Porkchop's smug grin was replaced with a look of pure horror. Flocks of furious fowls were falling onto pigs, homes, and everything in between. Porkchop quickly pressed the button to activate the elevator again and descended back into the laboratory.

Porkchop, with a calm face, observed his fellow pigs. He exhaled, then "calmly" stated,

"They're heeeere! The Angry Birds! They're everywhere! Run while you still can!"

The scientists and engineer pigs looked at one-another (screamed like madmen), then proceeded (hopped like crazy) to the escape pods in an orderly manner (un-orderly manner).

As Porkchop began to follow them, a rumble was heard. Pipes and other apparatus began popping, exploding, and making not-good noises. After a good few seconds of that, a purple vortex appeared in the machine and began sucking things in the room, namely Porkchop, into it.

Porkchop was not having a good day.

First he woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning, then he was late for the Bubble Bus, and now he was stuck in-between dimensions, or something. After ten minutes of watching various random objects such as a phone booth fly by, he floated into a bright light, and blacked out.

Porkchop slowly opened his eyes and looked around him. He seemed to be in a forest, and a dark and spooky one at that.

A canopy of dark green leaves blocked sunlight. The trees almost seemed to have menacing faces on them. Even the grass seemed to have malicious intentions. Porkchop searched desperately for a way out of this leaf-y purgatory. His eyes fell on a dirt path.

"Not exactly what I wanted, but it'll have to do," Porkchop thought to himself.

Porkchop began hopping along the path, his eyes darting from side to side occasionally when he heard a strange noise. After traveling along the path for what seemed like hours, he finally came upon an exit out of the forest. Porkchop grinned and started hopped happily up to the threshold, and his grin widened when he noticed a town! Civilization!

He looked to his right and noticed a sign.

"Welcome to Ponyville!"

Green Fire Greetings

Porkchop and Twilight were eye to eye for a minute or so before the latter spoke up.

"So, AJ... you say you found this at Sweet Apple Acres?", the librarian pony asked. Twilight inspected Porkchop thoroughly as her friend replied.

"Sure did, Twi! Y'all know better 'n anypony I'm the Element of Honesty.", the orange earth pony answered.

Porkchop tilted his head in confusion. Element of Honesty?

"Oink?", he croaked. Twilight noticed this, took a clipboard from seemingly nowhere, and wrote something down in it.

"I think it's trying to communicate with us. AJ, try asking it some yes-or-no questions!", Twilight somewhat enthusiastically said to Applejack, who nodded and turned to Porkchop.

"Alrahght. Mr. or Mrs. Pig. Can, you, un-der-stand, us?" Porkchop nodded.

"Do, you, come, in peace?" Porkchop nodded once more.

"Uh... sorry. Twi, that's all I can think of." Applejack said in defeat. "Ah can't help it. Maybe you should do the "talkin'-ta-aliens" thing."

"It's alright, AJ. You can go back to Sweet Apple Acres, now.", the purple unicorn said. Porkchop made a mental note that the farm he was found in was called "Sweet Apple Acres". So far, Porkchop had learned that he was in a town called Ponyville, which was inhabited by talking equines and had a large apple farm nearby called Sweet Apple Acres.

"Hey, Twilight! I arranged all the fantasy no- WOAH!" a voice said from behind Porkchop. The green pig turned around and saw a tiny bipedal lizard creature, barely taller than himself.

"Twilight, what the heck is that?!?" the lizard asked.

Apple Acres

Porkchop was happy to finally see something that wasn't that dark and gloomy forest, and was about to jump with joy when his stomach rumbled. He realized that he had not had something to eat since breakfast. Porkchop peered from the forest threshold at parts of the small town in search of something to eat. His eyes fell upon an endless array of apple trees.

Porkchop licked his lips, then hopped toward the massive crop of delicious fruit. He snapped out of his hunger trance when he noticed an orange creature using its limbs to knock apples out of the trees. Porkchop observed this creature, then tried to mimic its technique with, what else, his head. All it did was make a lot of noise and give him a headache. After shaking off the pain, Porkchop noticed that the orange creature he saw before was looking at him.

The orange creature was looking at him.

He quickly hopped behind a tree, and hoped that the being would think that he was a figment of its imagination. Unfortunately, this apparently only enticed the creature to check the area.

"What in tarnation? Did I just see a green pig... thing?", said the creature with a distinctly feminine voice.

Porkchop noticed a wooden bucket. Seeing a perfect hiding place, he flipped it over and put it over him. He peered through the hole at the orange alien as she investigated the area.

"... huh. Must be seein' things. I must be workin' too hard."

Porkchop was relieved that he was off the hook for now. As he was silently celebrating, his stomach rumbled again.

"Huh?", said the creature, as she walked toward the bucket.

The creature flipped it over, revealing Porkchop, who squealed in fear. He shut his eyes, hoping this was just some strange dream he was having.

"Aw, well aren't you the cutest little swine I've ever seen! Dunno why you're green and ball-shaped, though. But hey, you look like a pig, so you're a pig to me," the thing exclaimed as she patted Porkchop on the head.

"Maybe you're one o' them aliens I hear about in some 'a Twi's books. I bet she knows whatcha are!" the orange alien said as she hoisted Porkchop up onto her back and ran out of the farm and into the town.

The trip only took a couple of minutes before they reached a giant tree, carved out and, judging from the sign at the front, was the public library. The creature carrying Porkchop opened the door and bursted in.

"Twi! Twi! You won't believe what I found at the farm!" she exclaimed at a similar, purple creature.