Blue Team's Idiotic Adventure
It was a normal shitty day as the blue team sat around rethinking their shitty decisions leading up to that point
for some fucking stupid reason they were trying to get church into another weird alien artifact despite his loud protests which were usually along the lines of "Fuck you I'm not going in that" and "I hate all of you with a burning passion." The artifact was so immeasurably shitty that it wasn't even properly round and had a pair of stupid arms coming out of its rectangular body. It was basically a square with arms and an eye. A square eye. 'Who the fuck designs a square eye?' Church though, as he was being jammed into an artifact obviously made by an ancient idiot.
As the immeasurably shitty artifact activated some shitty lights appeared and they were all suddenly falling through an immensely cliché teleportation scene, bells, whistles, and flashing lights everywhere.
"Does this look like something that would be in a shifty fan fiction!?" Shouted tucker over the shared blue team intercom.
"Only faggots read fan fiction, Tucker!" Replied Church.
"What's a faggot?" Asked Caboose.
Suddenly the filler teleportation scene ended, depositing them in fucking pastel pony land with a host of confused talking animals staring at them. The only things said at that meeting were "Hello," and from Tucker "Dude no matter how much you pay me I am not banging a talking horse." Later that shittily bright day the entire blue team was sitting at a table with a group of talking ponies and a rainbow colored lesbian. There were actually a bunch of talking horses there, like six, but there isn't going to be any exposition here because that would require actual thought. Suffice to say that there were six talking horses sitting around a table in a tree that was also a library, one of the horses being a rainbow colored lesbian.
"Where the fuck are we?" Church asked, with a reasonable amount of confusion for ending up in fucking magic land.
"You're in ponyvile you ignorant shit." said the foliating lesbian.
"Well that explains a fuckton, you piece of talking homosexuality." Replied Church in a rather impolite manner as he aimed and fired his rifle, only managing to hit a book. the book promptly fell on a bitchy little fatass of a dragon's head.
"Hey fuck you those are my books!" shouted Twilight as her copy of Immeasurably Shitty Spells and Crappy Potions was picked up by the fatass dragon, a gaping bullet hole through the center
"What the fuck," Asked the fatass as he ate the book "This shit tastes like lead."
"That's because it's made of lead, fatass." She said, to the fat little shit of a dragon. "Have fun with lead poisoning you little bitch."
The small fat dragon then broke down into a bout of uncontrollable seizures, despite seizures being a symptom not associated with lead poisoning. The entire room continued to ignore the slowly dying dragon aside from Tucker.
"I'm not fucking the dragon either," said tucker "I've had enough alien babies for a lifetime."
Everyone sat at the table awkwardly until the floaty lesbian decided to shout "Are we going to fucking talk or what?" at everyone in the room, getting no reply aside from a dying gurgle coming from the corner of the room in which the fat fuck of a dragon had just died painfully.
"Shut the fuck up, Spike." Said Twilight, using her satanic magical powers to drop a bookshelf on the annoying little dragon.
Spike then shut the fuck up, because he was dead. After the entire crew had taken turns defacing Spike's mutilated corpse, they dropped it into a ravine that a previously unnoticed bright fucking yellow pony had recommended.
"Nobody will ever know." Said the yellow horse, after the corpse had been disposed of.
"Nope!" Shouted Twilight. "Nobody will ever know that I killed my assistant and dropped him in the ravine ten miles south of here!" She shouted to the town, as the mayor walked by. The mayor stopped, looked at Twilight, and signaled to a group of government agents hiding out on the roof of the town hall. The agents shot twilight with a tranquilizer dart and dropped her in a black helicopter, then flew away. The entire town didn't give half a shit.
"Well shit, the magic one just got taken by the government." Said Church. "Caboose, do whatever the fuck you did to get us here, but in reverse."
"Okay!" Said caboose through a mouthful of paste, flipping a switch on the immeasurably shitty artifact that was Church's body from "fucking stupid" to "not fucking stupid." Once the switch was flipped, nothing happened for a moment. Then nothing continued to happen. Then another cliché teleportation scene that had much less screaming and a lot less effort to write in happened. Sure, some things were shouted but none of them were anything but meaningless gibberish coming from the sentient pile of turd named Caboose.
"Hey guys, how about we never fucking speak of this again?" Asked Church, who's body was now in a mostly destroyed state from being actually used.
"Sounds good, and this is the point where terrible fan fictions usually wrap up!" Said Tucker.
"For fucks sake, Tucker, we aren't in a fan fiction." Said Church, completely ignoring the immensely improbable events that would have literally no place in Red Vs. Blue canon.
"I like turtles with backwards heads." Said Caboose, through another mouthful of paste.
"How do you even get that shit in your helmet, Caboose?" Asked Church
"I use magic!" Caboose shouted. "And the food processing button!"
"Right, so this is the part where none of us ever speak of this again, and you idiots put me back in my body." Said Church, completely ignoring Caboose's response to his rhetorical question. "Now let's get this shit over with and go back to base. I feel the strange need to be shot in the head multiple times after dealing with a brigade of talking pastel colored horses.
THE FUCKING END
Author's Note
If you actually managed to read all the way through this pile of toxic waste, congratulations! You've just wasted precious minutes of your life reading this! You will never get those moments back. I hope you're proud of yourself.