Suddenly, Velociraptor

by Ezio

Rating: teen
Tags: Random, Princess Celestia, Crossover, Dark, Gore, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Other
Length: 2246

No one knows what a Velociraptor is in Equestria. That's kinda racist.

Tebo the Velociraptor led a perfectly normal Velociraptor life. Until, Pinkie Pie, out of freaking nowhere.

If you attempt to take this story seriously, you're gonna have a bad time.

Just a short one-shot.

Rated Teen for frequent strong language and some gore.

Published 2013-04-09 04:10:03 UTC
Last updated 2013-04-09 21:54:01 UTC

Life Finds a Way. Probably.

"What's so great about discovery? It's a violent, penetrative act that scars what it explores. What you call discovery... I call the rape of the natural world."

- Doctor Ian Malcolm

So it started off like this.

It was a quiet day in the late Cretaceous period. And by quiet, I mean that the air was filled with the screams of dying Protoceratops. The sand of the Mongolian dessert that I often used for hunting-grounds was stained crimson- which mixed beautifully with the fiery-golden color of the sand in the light of the setting sun. The Protoceratops was trying to crawl away, despite its intestines trailing some five feet behind. Its agony was apparent, and I felt sorry for it, but hey, a guy's gotta eat.

I'm Tebo, by the way. Yes, nice to meet you too.

So, anyway, I'm here in the Gobi Desert, brutally slaughtering this poor innocent creature. Its guts are poring out, and it's all like "BROOOOOOOO WHAT THE FUUUUUUUUUUUCK THOSE ARE MY INTEEEESSSSSSTIIINNNES!!!" and I'm all like "Chill, brah," and I slit his throat with my sickle-claw.

And suddenly, out of fucking nowhere... Portal. I didn't know it was portal, of course. I was still a simple-minded dromaeosaurid back then, unaware of the existence of anything but what I knew was around me: Sun, sand, and food. Right now, my food was just as confused as I was. It's head was tilted towards the mysterious blue-flashing thingy, and it's eyes weren't all terrified anymore...

Come to think of it, I think the poor thing was just dead.

Anyway, the portal's pulsing and sending out these mystic ripple thingies, and suddenly, out steps this pink... Thing. It's got four legs, and these huge fucking eyes that stared right at me and scared the living shit out of me. It walks around in the sand for a bit, before looking at me again. And then it says something, its voice like none other I'd ever heard: "Well, shoot. This isn't Raxacoricofallapatorius."

My natural instinct was to run at that fucker and put it in the ground, but soon enough she's hopping through the vortex once more, and being the inquisitive thing that I was, I followed.

And, let me say, I was not expecting what happened next. Granted, I wasn't expecting much of anything. But, this was at the bottom of my list of nonexistent expectations.

Technicolor. Technicolor everywhere.

Being a Velociraptor, I was used to seeing the orange of the desert sand, the crimson blood of my prey, and the blue of the sky. That's three colors. I'd never seen the color pink before. So imagine my surprise when I'm suddenly in this fucking two-dimensional world and this pink thing comes up to me again, and I finally get a good look at it and there are these new fucking colors everywhere and I'm about to have a stroke.

So, this pink creature starts talking again, saying random shit like "Welcome to Equestria!" and I do the first thing that comes naturally to me, I jump on the fucking thing and tear its throat out. Its still got this Goddamn smile on its face while it drowns in its own blood, which is getting fucking everywhere, might I add. It looked a lot different different than it did when I was back in the desert, the blood, I mean. I guess it was the technicolor.

And then someone's screaming, "SOMEPONY HELP PINKIE'S DEAD!" and, for the sake of plot, let's say that my primitive brain somehow derived from that that the word "everypony" was basically "every pony" which would mean that these things were called ponies.

Hmm? I'm not supposed to be focusing on plot? Oh, yes... The "truth"... Sorry, Princess.

I honestly don't remember when I figured out that these things were called ponies, but there was someone screaming for help at that moment.

And soon enough a whole bunch of colorful ponies- again, a lot of these colors I'd never seen before, so I had no idea what the fuck was going on- come running out of a bunch of buildings and out from under rocks and bushes and shit, I dunno, but I'm just going fucking insane. You'd be amazed at how much your brain can overreact when you see something as simple as a new color.

Anyway, my brain's going into overdrive, and my survival instincts are kicking in. I just start killing all these shitheads, there's blood and gore everywhere, and everyone's screaming their bloody heads off, no pun intended.

And then you show up.

Now that know how long and boring a train ride a trip to your city makes, I really must commend you for your speed. And I know speed. I'm a fucking raptor.

Anyway, you show up. You shoot something at me from that big sex-organ on your forehead- sorry, horn- but I see it coming from a mile off and get the fuck outta the way.

And I'm running, man, I am running. Faster than any of y'all, faster even than you, Princess, because I remember looking back and seeing you just way fucking back there, trying to catch up. And I'm laughing, laughing with a voice I didn't even know I had. It's deep, and rich, and smooth. Kind of like Morgan Freeman.

Who's Morgan Freeman? Oh, he's a... Well... I don't really know what he is. He's a badass, though.

My voice amazed me. Before, I could only speak with the throaty growl customary of my species (none of us ever really knew what we were saying, but it got the point across), but now-

How did I talk to the Protoceratops?... What are you... Oh, yeah. Well I kinda paraphrased with the whole "HOLY FUCK MY GUTS ARE FALLING OUT" thing. It really sounded more like a sheep. That's just what I imagined he was saying.

Anyway.

After I discovered the beauty of my new-found vocals, I realized something. I realized that I shouldn't have been able to realize that I had a new voice, let alone realize that I realized the realization. My brain just wasn't programmed for sudden bursts of knowledge, let along being able to speak/think in English- I mean, Equestrian. I guessed that somehow the crossover to your universe must have triggered the implantation of this knowledge within my mind. Or some psychological shit like that.

So, I'm running, with this new knowledge running through my head, and I forget to turn. There's this fucking wall, okay, and it thinks that just because it's made out of wood that it can stop me, and I'm like "No, fuck you, wall, I'm Tebo the Fucking Velociraptor," and I just run right through the bastard, right into a room which I somehow knew was a library. And there's this purple dinosaur thing holding some scrolls, staring straight at me, and I'm about to say something intelligent like "Greetings, kinsman," when he's all like "TWIIIIILLLLLLLIIIIIIGGGHHHT!!!" and this lavender bitch just waltzes into the room like she's the greatest thing ever. I hated her on sight.

Oh, so she was your student, was she?... I might have guessed OW WHAT THE FUCK YOU BITCH?!... Fucking magical unicorn sex-wands...

Fine, I won't insult you or your protege again...

So, this uppity librarian whore- OW- walks in, and she just stares at me for a second. I'm covered in the blood of her friends, dripping all over her carpet, and she just looks at me like I'm the most disgusting thing on earth. I mean, like, instant racial judgement. She thinks that just because I'm a velociraptor- assuming she even knew what I was- that she has the right to judge me. It made me sick.

This Twilight bitch- OW!...- rears back and charges up her sex-horn with this purple light. And I'm just like "OH HELL NAW" so I walk up to her and slit her fucking throat.

Oh, spare me the tears, Princess. That's what happened, and your fake sadness ain't gonna bring her back.

So she just stands there, her eyes wide, and blood just starts spurting out of her neck and I'm laughing my ass off because it's just so hilariously horrible. Her dinosaur- dragon, whatever- just starts crying his little pussy eyes out and I just kinda kick him across the room and he hits the wall and just goes fucking everywhere.

And you show up, again. Your timing truly is impeccable.

And then, well, you know what happened, your penis- horn- shoots me, and I'm laughing too fucking hard to do anything, so it hits me in the chest and I black out. I wake up on your fucking slow-ass train, and then here we are.

Do I regret it?... Now, that, that is a damn good question. No. I don't. But I know that I should. So, is that better than not even knowing it's wrong?... No, I suppose it's worse. But, what's done is done.

But, when you think about it, I've done you all an enormous service. I've done the impossible. I've made the transition between universes and lived to tell of it.

What are you talking about?...

What do you mean that Pinkie Pie did it?...

Why don't you just shut the fuck up, huh?...

What do you mean, you showed her how?...

Shut your whore mouth, you lying, filthy cun-

***

Meanwhile...

The Doctor was without a companion. Again.

He'd told himself not to dwell on it, but as he orbited the red giant star whose name he'd forgotten, his thoughts were drawn more and more to his sorrows.

This always bloody happened. They'd show up, hang around for a bit, and leave. It wasn't always their fault, of course. Most of the time it was due to completely unforeseen circumstances, but still... It wasn't bloody fair.

Most of them were even pretty decent people, something that the universe seemed to sorely lack.

Thump.

What?...

THUMP.

What?...

THWACK!

The TARDIS doors flew open, and in flew a Velociraptor. It hit the control panel, and the TARDIS careened toward the star. The dinosaur peeled itself off the floor and looked at him.

"What?..." it said, in a voice reminiscent of Morgan Freeman.

WHAT?!

ALTERNATE ENDING!

Do I regret it?... Now, that, that is a damn good question. No. I don't. But I know that I should. So, is that better than not even knowing it's wrong?... No, I suppose it's worse. But, what's done is done.

But, when you think about it, I've done you all an enormous service. I've done the impossible. I've made the transition between universes and lived to tell of it.

What are you talking about?...

What do you mean that Pinkie Pie did it?...

Why don't you just shut the fuck up, huh?...

What do you mean, you showed her how?...

Shut your whore mouth, you lying, filthy cunt.

You think you're so special? You think you're so amazing because or your little Sorcerer's Cock on your forehead there? You're not. You don't know shit about what hardship is. You've been living all your life in this fucking castle of yours, solving the petty inconveniences of your kingdom. You've never had to actually live, actually survive.

Oh, yes. I've heard of those, erm, things that posed such a genuine threat to you. The train ride was full of little informative conversations just waiting to be heard. Discord, Chrysalis, Sombra... Your own sister...

Oh, you don't like that... I can see it in your eyes. The anger. The rage...

The fear.

Oh, yes. You are afraid, aren't you? For once in your long, long life, you don't know how to handle a situation. You don't know what to do here, and it unnerves you, no, it terrifies you.

Where I come from, If someone doesn't know how to adapt, how to survive, they die. Simple as that. The fear drives us, the primal fear that no one in this world has ever felt because they've never had a cause.

But this time, you have reason to be afraid.

I must say, these bindings you've set about my wrists don't seem to be doing much good, do they? Then again, the advantage always tilts towards the opponent with the sharper claws... Ah, that's better. Always nice to stretch one's arms after a nice interrogation.

Surprise, motherfucker.

No, no, don't bother with the guards. They won't be able to help you. At this point, no one really can.

... And now you're on your back. Didn't see that coming, did you?

Now, either you can order your guards to let me go, or I take a wing.

No?

One wing off, then.

I know this hurts you. Just stop your screaming and call off your guards.

No?... You truly are a stubborn bitch, Princess.

One more wing off, then.

Oh my, you're losing a lot of blood. Shame to stain this lovely rug of yours.

Wait...

What am I even doing? This... This is completely unnecessary.

Oh, lose the hopeful expression. I'm still gonna kill you. I just realized that I can get through your guys pretty easily.

How?...

HOW?!

I'm Tebo the Fucking Velociraptor, bitch.

HOLY SHIT THAT'S A LOT OF BLOOD.

I'm always amazed when I open someone's throat at how much blood the body can hold. It truly is remarkable. Don't you agree?

Gargle?

Quite right.

Goodbye, Princess Celestia.