Wackadoodle Derpy
A one shot for entry to ‘The pony show channel’
“Hold still Derpy hooves!” commanded rarity for the umpteenth time that morning. “You really can’t expect me to work properly on a wriggling, writhing Runaway Pegasus, can you?” Derpy replied inaudibly. “I’m sorry dear; you’ll need to speak up...”
“I said, I’m trying to hold still, but... well... uh...” she paused as her argument vanished.
“Is there something wrong?” Rarity inquired, genuinely concerned. Or at least appearing to be. Derpy slumped.
“No Miss Rarity, Its fine.”
“Good, then stop slumping and hold still!” Derpy sighed audibly.
“Oh... It is so hard to find gems that suit you, Derpy. It’s your... Uh... uniqueness... of your... uh... mane and coat colour combination..., it will Always clash with something” mused Rarity over an open chest of jewels
“No Its not, and no It won’t.” Derpy pointed out. Rarity blushed hotly.
“B-But, of course Derpy... your mane and tail...” she trailed off.
“Umm... Miss Rarity? I’m not stupid. That’s only when my eyes go wackadoodle.” Rarity tried to find an escape, but all she managed was a whimper. “It’s blonde and grey! That goes with anything! You must just be having an off day, so...” she gasped as an idea came to her, and ever so slowly, one eye drifted upwards. “So I’ll help you!”
“No, Derpy, Wait-!” Rarity protested, but she was cut short by what happened next. Derpy bounded of the pedestal she was standing on, and as she did so, the pin holding the hemline up, fell out, causing the material to cascade down, and entwine itself around Derpy’s hooves. As she tried to regain her balance from this onslaught, she flung her arms out, flailing helplessly in midair, looking left and right for an aid. She hung there momentarily, fully aware of what was about to happen, but unable to stop it.
“EEP-“
She collapsed. Face first into Rarity’s jewel box, flinging it high into the air. Jewels fell like rain. Rubies, emeralds, Topazes and Diamonds fell, cracking and breaking as they hit the hard stone floor. But that wasn’t it. They also hit the assorted mannequins around the room, knocking them over and then the domino effect took hold. First slowly, but picking up speed, every single design of rarity’s was destroyed. One of the mannequins must have caught the release rope, because the next thing either mare knew was the giant chandelier hanging up, suddenly came crashing down. As the debris settled, a turquoise fell on Derpy’s head with a thump, making her bite her tongue. “How about thith one Mith Wawity?” She asked, her eyes watering from the pain in her tongue. Her eyes cleared, and returned to normal. She looked around the wrecked boutique. So to did Rarity.
“M-m-my b-b-boutique!” Rarity shrieked, before swooning onto a conveniently placed chez lounge
“I’m sorry, Miss Rarity” said Derpy to the unconscious unicorn. “But I just don’t know what went wrong!”
Derpy trotted along the road happily.
“I’m so glad the shadow of Hurricane Fluttershy is here. It’s cooling me from the hot summer sun... Mmm...” She smiled lazily “Wait, What?!” Derpy hooves did a double take. “Hurricane Fluttershy was months ago! And not that big. Or fast. Or close.” She paused, lost in thought. “But that means-!” she was cut off by the loudest, shrillest siren imaginable. She dashed off to the Weather Control Depot, and so did every other able-bodied Pegasus in the nearby vicinity. They all grabbed Skyhooks and Cloudpins and a few grabbed Aircables too. Rainbow dash mounted a raised platform and spoke to the pegasi.
“Ok ponies, this isn’t a drill! You know the routine. Team 1, you take the middle, Teams 5,3,2 and 4 will take the top part, East, South, West, and north in that order, got that? When you’ve all slowed it done enough, I’ll hook out the funnel with Rainbow 6 team. Let’s move out, go, go, go!”
The weather crew all flapped to their target. When they were close enough, they gathered some nearby clouds, and formed a ring around the middle of the hurricane. Team one floated between the ring and the life-sucking funnel, and began to push outwards.
“Skyhooks, on my mark- 3, 2, 1... NOW!” ordered Rainbow. at her command, for hooks lowered into the hurricane, and caught on to it, slowing it’s spinning speed. The remaining teams did the same, gathering cloud platforms at each point of the compass further up the swirling monster. “Top teams, Cables, on my mark- 3, 2, 1... NOW!” from the four cloud platforms, two pegasi threw what looked like anchors into the hurricane from each one. They all pulled together. “This is a Code D people!” yelled Rainbow Dash over the noise. Several ponies gasped. “That’s right- It’s a Doozie! So we need every Stallion, Mare and Filly to pull their weight, because if anypony slacks off, it could be disastrous!” The Plan seemed to be working, the hurricane was slowing down. Rainbow spoke into her walkie-talkie. “Rainbow 6, this is R1, lets form up and begin our manoeuvres.” However, as always, the best laid plans of bakers and flyers often leads to disaster. High up in the sky, in team 3, a strange scent wafted into Derpy’s nostrils. Slowly, one eye rolled upwards in her head. She let out a bellowing roar of one single word:
“MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
And with that, she shot off, leaving her team hanging.
“What in the name of Celestia is she doing?! Does that stupid wall-eyed beetle-brain mare think we can hold this alone?!” yelled one of Derpy’s Teammates. The mare next to him yelled back
“We don’t have any choice!” but even she knew they were going to fail, she could already feel her wings seizing up. One by one, team 3 failed. The cloud they had been using was sucked into the swirling mass.
“Abort, Abort, Team 3 is out!”
With the added weight of the missing team on the remaining team’s shoulders, they too began to fail. Rainbow Dash watched in horror as the hurricane picked up speed again, and as the last of the top three teams disappeared in the black vortex.
“Ok, Rainbow 6, let’s do this before it’s too late!” it was already too late. In the central ring, cracks were forming. The hurricane was spinning even faster than before, and with the mass of the cloud platforms from above, it was more powerful too. As Rainbow 6 neared, it finally gave up. With a resounding boom, the ring was rent in two, pulling it, the skyhooks and the pegasi into spinning oblivion. The sudden release of pressure caused the hurricane to lurch forward, and the funnel snapped off of the ground, giving Rainbow a glimpse of the chaos inside. Then she was inside, and that was all she remembered. The hurricane continued forth on it’s crusade of terror, destroying houses and shops and trees.
On the ground, ponies were running in every direction, scattering like ants from a firecracker. Inside the library, twilight had assembled her spellweavers club.
“Ok everypony, remember what I taught you? If everypony grabs one big piece of air and holds it, it will stop. Let’s do this!” They stormed outside and were immediately swept up by the monster that had crept up on them unnoticed.
Far away, standing on a ledge outside a cave, Doctor Whooves stood. He looked out at the hurricane.
“Go on then, Take it! But remember, there is a difference between what should be eaten, and what can be eaten; there’s a lot of one, but an infinity of the other- and an infinity is too much even for your appetite, eh?!” he yelled at the storm. Although it seemed to lessen, the storm stayed strong. “Oh, I thought that would work.” He said disappointedly
“But you didn’t do anything!”Squealed pinkie behind him. The doctor leapt up in surprise, and ran backwards a few steps... right off the edge of the cliff. “Oh, going so soon?” giggled pinkie. Then she turned her attention back to the hurricane. “Take this- this is the most important muffin in pony history!” and she hurled it into the hurricane. With a defeated roar, it collapsed in on itself, dropping everything inside it on ponyville. Clambering over the edge of the outcropping, the doctor looked at pinkie curiously. How did a cupcake do that?! He asked, exasperated”
“Hidden implosion grenade” sniffed pinkie, as if that was obvious.
“Uh... Huh..." he paused. "have we met? y'know, like in the past?"
“I don’t think s- UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHH!” She inhaled rapidly, floating in the air, before shooting off.
Meanwhile, back in ponyville; Derpy sat, blissfully unaware of anything besides her blueberry muffin. That was, until Rainbow Dash’s limp body slammed into her table. The cyan mare looked around, dazed, before focusing on Derpy. The grey Pegasus looked at the look of anger, and the injured ponies and the ruined houses. She looked at the angry lynch mob that was gathering.
“Sorry everypony.” She whispered, “But I just don’t know what went wrong!”
Author's Note
Frgive me for the awful references... a prize for the person who spots all three!
