Equestia's Unsolved Case Files

by Silverstreak

Rating: teen
Tags: Derpy Hooves, Pinkie Pie, Twilight Sparkle, Random, Gore, Princess Celestia, Human, Princess Luna, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy
Length: 3984

A stupid little story of muder and comedy

Celestia is murdered, a reporter is never given a name, and a human is on the case. Well maybe on a high, but not the case.

Published 2013-04-14 20:10:01 UTC
Last updated 2013-04-14 20:10:01 UTC

The humans

Jack looked over the balcony where Celestia had fallen. Her mind still piecing together what happened. The reporter approached the human, hoping for a better interview.

"Excuse me."

Jack looked down on the little earth pony.

"Yes?''

"You're the human in charge right?"

"Do you see any other humans."

"Well no, don't you have them out investigating a crime?"

"Well considering I'm the only human that they brought over. No!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Yeah I'm the only human that they brought in. Why? I'm not to sure, but I'm a hug fan of the show, so it feels right that I get to help figure this out."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Canterlot Dungeons

10 p.m.

"Why am I here?"

"Well Luna it seems your English got better."

"Yes, spending time with my subjects has taught me many new things."

Jack lifted up a pair of headphones used for online gaming.

"You have been in my room."

"I'm investigating..."

"HOW DARE YOU ENTER MY ROOM WITH OUT REQUESTED PREMISSION!"

Jack was blown backwards by Luna's royal canterlot voice.

"YOU HAVE DEFILED MY SANCTUARY."

Jack reset her chair up, and sat while still fixing her long brown hair.

"Are you done?''

Luna gave her a scowl.

"Yes."

"Good.'Wow I can't believe I just got hit with the royal canterlot voice. Yippy.' Now Luna as I'm sure you know, you're a prime suspect in the murder of your sister.

"Oh sure blame the sister."

"Well you have the most likely motive."

"Like what human!"

"Well she banished you to the moon..."

Luna blew with her most powerful canterlot voice, blowing both the Jack and the reporter back out of her dungeon door. Jack stumbled back into the room while the reporter was shaking behind the door.

''Luna! We're trying to solve your sister's murder!"

"AND YOU THINK THAT BECAUSE SHE BANISHED ME TO THE MOON I WOULD KILL HER!"

"Well it makes sense!"

"Well have you considered that due to my sisters system that she would have been prepared for an attack at any moment, not to mention that she had 1,000 years more experience with assassinations then I do!"

"Wait...what...when would Celestia ever be in an assassination plot?"

Luna looked confusedly at Jack.

"Wait, you don't know?"

"Know what?"

Luna scowled at a desk.

"Damn. My letter's must not have gotten through."

Jack was finally having the shock of being thrown across the room catch up to her.

"I was sending letters to your world, telling your people about my..." Luna saw the frozen face of Jack just sitting there, "Are you ok?"

"Huh...wha..." Jack was coming back into the world.

"My letters that I was sending, about what my sister was having selected ponies due in each city!"

Jack just sat there, blank face.

"Not one letter, not one that mentioned that my sister was having rebellious ponies killed and baked!"

"Oh, you mean like Cupcakes."

"What? No not like cupcakes, there's no sugar or..."

"No, no not cupcakes like sweet treats, but Cupcakes the story about Pinkie killing Rainbow Dash and baking her into cupcakes."

"So you did get my letters."

"Well no me, some guy about forty years ago."

"Forty years I sent those letters four weeks ago."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Luna looked dumbfounded at the camera.

"Yes the cupcake story is real, but no Rainbow Dash wasn't killed. We still need the elements of harmony around. How many times do I have to tell you!"

"Well sorry. The human gave me a clipboard telling me what to do."

"Let me see this board."

"Yes, princess."

The reporter handed the clipboard to Luna.

Get everything that the suspects say down on paper.

Even if they already said it before interrogation make them say it again.

Don't smile, no matter what.

Don't let them walk out, I can't seem to find the locks on these doors.

I don't know I just felt like there had to be a fifth one.

Get the names of people/ponies that they know.

Not really who they know just more of like who they know in the system or who had a real good grudge against Celestia.

I don't like to ends things on seven, not my lucky number.

"This is what the human wrote down?"

"Yes, princess."

Luna handed back the clipboard to the reporter.

"Very well."

"Ok. Now, don't smile, don't leave the room, uh...who do you know in the system or who had a good grudge against Celestia."

"Look there are to many ponies in the system for me to tell you, but the one pony who had a real good grudge against my sister was some mare who had a light blue coat and a white main and tail, but you're to late, she already attacked my sister a few years before I was released. She wanted revenge for her family or something. Anyway she's been in the dungeon for some time, then she broke out. Now she's traveling Equestia claiming she's the most powerful unicorn of all time. I don't really know anymore."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jacked looked over Canterlot from the balcony where Celestia fell. Waiting for the reporter to get done with Luna.

"Human. I'm back."

Jack turned to face the reporter.

"Good, did you get anything from her?"

"Yeah a list of ponies in the system, and that one pony did try to attack Celestia some time ago."

"Good job. Did you get a name of the pony?"

"No Luna didn't know her name, just that she's traveling Equestia claiming that she's the most powerful unicorn of all time, in like some sort of cart or something."

"Is she a light blue coat with a white main?"

"Yeah, how did you..."

"Trixie."

The Suspects

Ponyville

9 a.m.

"Do you even know where you're going?"

Jack looked down at the tired reporter, questioning why she brought him with her.

"Yes."

"Really?"

"Of course."

"Then why have we been walking around this town for two hours!"

"Gathering clues."

The reporter seemed to drown in his misery.

"How is walking around the town gathering clues? Aren't we suppose to be talking to the two on the list!"

Jack brought the list out from her front pocket, reading the names she remembered the real reason for their visit.

Oh jeez. I better not forget again when I meet them.

They walked through the town for a few more minutes before coming to a giant tree. Jack barely had control over her body and voice as the got closer.

"Well, we're here...Twilight Sparkle's house!" Jack sounded like a mouse being stepped on.

The reporter looked up worried about the human.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, come on."

Jack knock three times on the door that only went as high as her shoulders.

"It's so small!"

"Well what did you expect?"

The door opened before Jack could answer. Though Jack couldn't answer anyway due to the fact that she had to locked down her jaw from screaming from joy at seeing Twilight.

"Can I help...you?"

Twilight and the reporter both looked up at Jack, who seemed to be frozen in place.

"Can we talk inside Miss Sparkle, I have the notes I need to ask you some questions."

"Oh, yes come in."

Twilight lead the way into her home, while the reporter gave one last worried glance at the human.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"And why do you think I would kill my teacher?"

"Well you're the first one on the list."

"What list?"

''The list of ponies working in Celestia's kill and bake ponies list."

"She made a list!"

"Yes."

"That little bitch! She told me that I wouldn't be connected to the murders!"

"Well were not really all that concerned with the murders, just Celestia's murder."

"Oh, well what do you want to know."

"Wait, you believe me that easy?"

"Well of course, they don't call it a truth spell for nothing."

"Wait, you put a truth spell on me."

"Yeah."

"When?"

"Before I opened the door."

The reporter was at a lost for words, not once in his life did he suspect this.

"Well while you gather your thoughts, lets see. The Princess saw great potential in me when I was young, uh, when I got older she told me she could help me become more powerful if I helped her kill rebellious ponies. Except for Rainbow Dash being the element of loyalty she was pretty much safe. Maybe that's why she slept so much, being untouchable she didn't really have to watch her back so much. Then she just must have gotten to lazy to attack the princess, or afraid that being the element of loyalty wouldn't help her there? Well anyway I don't really kill any ponies, I just help my associate track them down and erase all records of them from the town. Then every now and then Celestia would give me a spell that would help me become more powerful, speaking of which you didn't happen to find any spells that could turn me into an alicorn? Did you?"

''What...why would you want to become an alicorn?"

"Well more magic and power, plus being the element of magic I could've thrown Celestia over and ruled."

"Why?"

"To get revenge on all those who despised me in magic kindergarten."

The report stood dumbfounded by what Twilight just said, unable to think of anything to say.

"What?'' Twilight looked confused at the reporter's face.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After dragging Jack for ten minutes away from Twilight's house, she finally became unfrozen.

"Uh...uh...wha..."

"Finally you're unfrozen!"

"What happened?"

"I think Twilight use her magic to freeze you."

"Why would she do that? Can she do that? Well of course she can, but I mean..."

"I know what you mean, it's just that she said that she was power hungry and wanted to become an alicorn..."

Jack giggled a little bit.

"What's so funny?"

"Well it's just that you said that Twilight wanted to become an alicorn."

"Well she did!"

"Sure." Jack stood, grabbed the list out from her pocket, "Alright who's ne..."

The reporter looked up at the human.

"What? Let me see, let me see!"

"P....p...."

"You have to pee?"

"No, p...pi...pi..."

The reporter jumped and grabbed the list with his teeth.

"Oh let me see. Yeah a Miss Pinkamena Diane Pie."

"I prefer Pinkie Pie, but you can call me that."

Both Jack and the reporter jumped into the air.

"Huh, that's a lot higher then usual."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sugarcube Corner

9:32 a.m.

"Hey where's your friend?"

The reporter struggled to speak clearly while trying to stop a smile, but he couldn't do it not in a room as colorful and decorated as this. He finally cracked.

"She's downstairs."

"Want me to go get her?"

The reporter closed his eyes, giggling and the sparkles in Pinkie's main.

"No thanks she said something about..." He opened his eyes to see her gone, "How? I had the door locked?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jack walked the kitchen, nerves on high. She was in Sugercube Corner. Sugercube Corner!

"Hey."

Jack leapt back, almost knocking into the fridge. She held a terrible kung fu stance, facing Pinkie who had just popped out of a drawer.

"How did you? Never mind you're Pinkie."

"Hey are you ok?"

"Yeah I'm fine." Jack wiped sweat from her forehead, "Just fine."

"Then why are you shaking?"

"Shaking? I'm not shaking."

"Sure. Anyway your friend is waiting for you upstairs."

"Oh, I'm not part of the interrogation."

"What's interrogation mean?"

"It means asking questions?"

"Oh, so why don't we interrogate down here. I'll bake you both some cupcakes!"

"Uh, no, no it's better that he ask you questions upstairs."

Pinkie had already gotten all the bowls, utensils, and ingredients.

"Really?"

"Yeah, but after we can have some cupcakes."

"You promise."

"Yeah I promise."

"Okey Dokey, I'll be right back."

Pinkie left the kitchen, and went back upstairs. Jack went back to walking the kitchen.

"Oh my god. I'm going to have cupcakes with PInkie!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sugarcube Corner

9:41a.m.

The reporter continued to scan the room, looking for a way that Pinkie could have escaped. The door was still locked, windows where locked, and the floor wasn't loose in any area.

"What are you doing?"

The reporter leapt into the air, smashing his head on the roof.

"Oops, sorry. I forgot how easily you get scared."

"I don't get scared!"

"Then what was that?" Pinkie lifted a hoof into the air.

"Well...what was what you did?"

"What?"

"You know, the disappearing and reappearing out of nowhere."

"I don't know."

"What do you mean you don't know! You just did those things."

"Well yeah, but I don't know how I did them."

"Oh come on, you have to have a unicorn helping you."

"Nope, just me."

"Really?''

Pinkie nodded her head, sparkles flying around.

"Ok, well, um," The reporter lifted the clipboard, but paused halfway, feeling somepony breath down his back.

He turned to see Pinkie standing behind him, eyes moving as she read.

"Um, can you sit down please."

"Sure."

"Ok, so what do you know about Celestia's murder."

"Well she died from a fall, which is really weird since she had wings, though if somepony was to cut them off then she could fall, but she still has her horn, but if you cut that off then she could fall to her death. Though that would be a waste of good meat."

The reporter stood frozen from Pinkie's words.

''Are you ok?"

"What no!"

"Well why not?"

"Because of what you said!"

"What that you're ok?"

"No before that!"

"Oh about a waste of meat."

"Yeah a waste of meat that's Celestia!"

"Well why does that make you not ok."

"Because it's Celestia and you and Twilight and others want to kill and bake and eat!"

"Oh come on, you should be fine with this already, I'm mean Celestia's been dead for about two days now."

"Well, I've been on the case for about a few hours, but how did you..."

"Please I haven't had a kill order for two days."

"No, no I'm done, we're done."

"Done with what?"

"This 'interrogation'."

"Oh goody! Now I can bake you some cupcakes!"

Pinkie flew to the door, opened it, and disappeared down the stairs.

"I need to get a new talent."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Are you sure they were on the list!"

"Yes."

"Ugh."

"What's wrong?"

"We've been in this town for two days! We've talked to about everypony in it, and we're still looking for two more!"

"Well then we'll keep looking!"

"Why!"

"We're investigating a murder, my trusty sidekick."

"Really? Cause the questions you're asking seem to be coming from a mouse who doesn't even remember why it's here!"

"Why I..."

A grey blur crashed into the ground between the two, causing them both to leapt backwards on their backs.

"God Damn It! I'm sick of all these ponies flying out of nowhere!"

"And I'm sick of being a part of this investigation!"

"Wow, you two are mad."

Jack lifted her head to see a grey pony a yellow main and tail with bubbles on her flank.

"Derpy? Derpy Hooves?"

"You know me!"

Jack's head fell back down muttering something about crooked eyes. Derpy looked over to the reporter.

"Is she ok?''

"Honestly I don't care anymore."

"I'm Derpy. Who are you?"

"Hi Derpy. I'm..."

Jack popped back up on her feet.

''Derpy!"

"Yes."

''Is it true that you are the mailpony for Ponyville?''

Derpy nodded her head, searching around for something.

"Oh no!"

"What?''

"My mailbag!" Derpy started flapping her wings lifting herself into the air, "I need to find it!"

The reporter lifted a brown bag from his hoof.

"This is it, right?"

Derpy flew into him, hugging him violently.

"Oh thank you, thank you, thank you!"

"No...problem! Now can you....let go...of me!"

"Oh yeah sorry!"

The reporter rubbed his throat.

"It's ok.''

Derpy reached into the bag, pulled out a banana muffin, and started eating it.

"Uh, Derpy?''

"Yes." She spat muffin at Jack.

"Isn't that suppose to be your mailbag?''

"No silly this is my muffinbag."

The reporter started sneaking up to Derpy's muffinbag, hoping to snatch one to settle his stomach. Derpy spun around in mid-air, kicking the poor reporter in the chest, and knocking him back three feet.

"Woah! What was that about?"

"He tried to sneak up on me."

"No I saw that. I meant with the spin-kick move there."

"Ahhhh!"

"What?"

"My mailbag!"

With that Derpy flew off, leaving Jack stunned by the moment. Only when the reporter tapped her leg did Jack come out of her trance.

"What was that?"

"That my sidekick, was Derpy Hooves.''

"She's..."

"Weird."

"Yeah.''

The Crime....Again

The reporter did the head count for the third time. Making sure that all of the ponies on the list was there. He wanted so badly to kill Jack over the last two days for the two days they spent in Ponyville. questioning ponies who weren't even on the list. Only Pinkie and Twilight were on it...He stopped in front of Derpy.

"Hi mister."

"What are you doing here?"

"I came to apologize."

"For kicking me?''

"No."

"Why not!"

"You tried to sneak up on me!"

"Not you! Your muffinbag you stupid pony."

Derpy spun-kicked him again, knocking him to Luna's feet. Pinkie laughed at the reporter's face.

"See Derpy I told you Rainbow Dash could teach you karate."

"Oh yeah, I meant to thank you Pinkie."

"You're welcome."

"Ow."

A thud came from the door as Jack slammed into it running full sprint. Opening the door Jack held her nose with her fingers, rolling her eyes.

"Ok, no blood. Good." She walked in front of the suspects naming them all off in her mind.

Twilight, Pinkie, Luna, Derpy...Sidekick?

The reporter got up and found Jack looking down on him.

"What?'' He pointed to Derpy, "She kicked me!"

"You tried to sneak up on me!"

"Two days ago!"

"That doesn't matter! Like my mommy use to say..."

Jack held up her hands to both of their faces.

"Derpy I'm sure your mother had many a wise things to say, but right now I have a murder to solve, and a mystery to solve."

Pinkie jumped into the air.

"Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, me, me, me, me, me!"

"Sit Pinkie."

Pinkie sat hooves planted, and her back straight.

"Ok, Derpy."

"Yes."

"Why are you here?"

"I came to apologize.''

"For what?''

"Running out on you."

Jack was at a lost with Derpy, but decided to roll with it to get on with her plan.

"Well then thank you."

"You're welcomed."

"Now sidekick."

"Quit calling me that!"

"Whatever. Are you ready?"

Jack turned and walked to the balcony doors.

"Ready for this to be over." The reporter muttered as he followed.

Jack turned back to the row of suspects, and Derpy who was staring at the floor.

"Alright. Now as you all know Princess Celestia was attacked and killed in this room."

Twilight lifted her hoof.

"Yes Twilight."

"She was killed in a cave below the city wall."

"So?''

"Well you want to be accurate for the recorded, right?"

"Twilight, the recorded is already set. This is just a test."

"What kind of test?"

"Not now Twilight. Sidekick to the pool of blood."

The reporter looked at the old, crusty blood stain.

"Why hasn't it been cleaned yet?''

"It's evidence."

"But..."

"No buts! Go!"

"But...''

"Now sidekick."

"Why me."

The reporter walked over to the blood stain, looked regretfully back to Jack, closed his eyes, held his breath, and laid face down into the stain. Jack walked over to the reporter while facing the line.

"Now from the evidence in this room, Celestia was attacked," Jack pointed to the messed up bed, "The attacker and Celestia fought for a time until Celestia was laying down right on this spot," Jack put her left foot onto the reporter's back, causing him to grunt, "The attacker ripped off Celestia's wings causing her to go into shock, and dragged her to the balcony." Jack dragged the reporter to the balcony, the line followed, "Celestia fought for a little bit, causing the pots to smash and break. Then the attacker manage to throw Celestia over the rail."

"Woah! Wait!"

Jack lifted the reporter shoulder height, spun in a circle with the reporter screaming. She stepped on a piece of a pot, slipped, and both her and the reporter flew over the railing, screaming all the way down. Everyone stood with shock, staring at the railing.

"Uh...Did that?''

"Yes Princess."

"And they?''

"Yes."

Pinkie brought a hoof to her chin.

"I wonder how human taste."

"Pinkie!"

"What, Derpy!"

"I have a letter for you."

The Crime

Hearst and hooves day. A time for love, a time for joy. A time for murder?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Canterlot Castle

8 p.m.

"So you're a guard for the princesses right?"

"Yes sir, Captain Firebolt of the royal guards."

"Can you tell us what you found earlier today?"

"Well lets see," Firebolt rubbed a hoof across his chin, "I entered Celestia's room around noon for her lunch meeting with a diplomat from Saddle Arabia. The door leading to the balcony was opened, some red stuff was on the floor, and her bed was a mess."

"So no sign of the princess?"

"Hey look pal, what the princess does on her own time is her own business."

"What no...no, I meant you didn't see her."

"Well of course not, if I did she'd be at her meeting right now."

The reporter sagged his head down in despair.

"Listen, just tell me what you saw and did, after you enter her room."

"Well lets see, opened the door, red stuff, messy bed...oh yes. I walked onto the balcony to see broken pots, some white feathers, and a weird burn mark."

"So do you have any ideas on where Celestia is?"

"Yeah she's in the crystal caves."

"And have you retrieved her body?"

"OH good heavens no!"

"Why not?"

"It's a dead body! No one can get close enough with out vomiting out their guts!"

"So how do you know it's Celestia?"

"Her main was flowing."

The reporter was completely dumb founded.

"How...how do you know it was Celestia if you can't get close to it."

"Because of the humans. Duh!"

The End

"So who killed Princess Celesita? A revenge full sister."

Luna is in her room on a computer, playing an online game, yelling into her head piece.

"YOU FOOL! YOU MISSED THE TARGET ZONE! HOW ARE YOU A LEVEL 49 WHEN YOU CAN'T DO ANYTHING RIGHT!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Maybe the power hungry student."

Twilight is in her library surrounded by a fort of books she took from Celestia's room.

"Hey I'm not power hungry! I'm just trying to full fill my teacher's promise she made, that's all."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Or the violent murderous baker."

Pinkie is in the basement of Sugercube Corner, her tail the only thing showing from behind a closed curtain.

"Slash and bash and dice and slice."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Maybe some retard pony."

Derpy is staring angrily  at her reflection in the mirror of her bathroom.

"You know when somepony says hi, you're suppose to...stop talking when I'm talking."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"We may never know, but who ever did is still out there. Waiting, watching for the next..."

Celestia comes walking out of the forest like a drunk, barely keeping herself up right.

"I...I...need fri..." Celestia vomits on the ground, while blood rolls down her hind legs. Her horn glows with magic and a popping sound is followed by a flash of yellow light. On the ground is a clone of Celestia, "You stupid bitch!" The real Celestia starts beating her clone on the ground, then makes a bottle of applecider appear, drinks the whole bottle, gets on the ground facing the clone face to face, then starts fucking it.