Who Else, But Discord?

by Craine

Rating: teen
Tags: Twilight Sparkle, Main 6, Discord, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Random
Length: 1721

Reformed chaos. An oxymoron if ever there was one.

Being reformed means that many habits gained from an eternal existence have been removed. Be it forceful, or willing. Discord may be 'good', but he isn't dead.

Rated "Teen" for crude humor, and suggestive themes. Enjoy with lots of laughs, my friends!

Published 2013-04-09 21:30:02 UTC
Last updated 2013-04-09 21:30:02 UTC

"Life is Good"

Life is good.

That single thought put a pep in the step. With his face contorted into a smile that dwarfed the sun above, every step pushed him forward with a bounce. His senses sharp, and blood pumping, he happily marched toward Canterlot Castle, sprouting patches of flora in his wake. The very gravity of such irony only broadened his grin; he, of all creatures in existence, was walking. Happily.

Yes, Life is good. And come Hell or high water, Discord would prove it to the pony that summoned him, as he was undoubted of the chewing awaiting him upon arrival. Did he care? Did his conscience sting of regret by the surrounding ponies that recoiled in fear? Did his smile wain at the residual stench of smoke looming to the sky behind him?

Of course not. Because Life is good. And nothing, not even a new princess, was going to change that.

His boisterous traverse led him to the main gates of Canterlot Castle, where the expected glares of the Royal Guard Ponies were met with a happy-go-luck salute. He could only imagine how it stabbed at the guards who raised their spears to grant him entrance. And that elicited a laughter that echoed amidst the immaculate halls. Whether he did it to express his mood, or to announce his presence was irrelevant, for he’d succeeded in both regards.

When the doors ahead swung open, Discord’s laughter nearly got the better of him, squeezing his hands over his muzzle, eyes cracked with red. The pony marching passed the door seethed vividly, prompting a hushed grimace from the normally impenetrable guard-ponies. Discord’s bouncy step skid to a halt, smiling down at the alicorn who scowled at him.

“You. Me. Throne Room,” she commanded flatly.

“Twilight Sparkle, I’m surprised at you!” Discord mocked with a paw to his chest. “Shouldn’t you ask me to dinner first?”

“NOW!”

The burst of light from that little horn was all Discord needed to brace for an abrupt teleportation. And as sure as his infamy as Equestria’s most prestigious troll (one thousand years, and going strong), Discord found himself before the amherst throne of a very, very unhappy princess.

“Discord,” Twilight began with regained but fragile composure, “do you know why I summoned you this afternoon?”

Discord glanced through a window to his left, noting the smoke rising from the city below. Then looked back to Twilight. “The thought may have crossed my mind,” he said with a half-lidded smile.

The flash of delight in his eyes dimmed when a deadpanned Twilight conjured a very large, very thick parchment. Said eyes proceeded to widen as the parchment unraveled. To the floor. Past his feet. Along the corridor.

“I’ll start from the top,” Twilight said.

“Don’t do me any fav-”

“Turning the statues upside down.”

“Now, you can’t prove that was m-”

“Pulling pranks on the Nobles.”

“A few looked a little mopey. Bite me-”

“Chocolate fountain spewing orange juice.”

“Let it never be said that I’ve not corrected the absurd-”

“Bobbing for crabs?” Twilight’s eyebrow quirked.

“Now you gotta admit, that was funny!”

Discord could almost see the steam seeping from between Twilight’s teeth, “Really, now? As 'funny' as pulling a chicken’s HEAD OFF?!” she shouted.

“Oh, COME ON! So did David Blaine, and you don’t see him getting prosecuted for it!” Discord defended with outstretched arms. “And I was nice enough to put it back!”

“And this!” Twilight whisked the parchment to her lap. “Sexual Harassment?! REALLY?!”

“...

...

I regret nothing.”

Discord couldn’t deny the kick he got out of doing this to Twilight. Nor could he deny the satisfaction of watching the obscene parchment being rolled up and dispersed.

“I’m sorry, Twilight Sparkle, but I simply don’t see the crime I’ve committed,” Discord said, crossing his mismatched arms. “I mean, what would tonight’s festivities be reduced to without my intervention?”

“Thats not the issue here! You were invited to the Grand Galloping Gala as a social exercise!” Twilight shouted, refraining from standing on her throne. “And its ‘Princess’ Twilight Sparkle to you, Buster!”

“To be honest, I think I did exceptionally well,” Discord retorted with a fond smile. “Consider the ice-skating rig, if you will.”

“Ah yes, of course. The dance-floor. The jumping tables. The chocolate-striped ceiling.” Twilight gandered at the smoke outside. “The excessive fireworks display. Do you see where this is going?”

Discord’s lips curled with a daring smirk. “Sorta. Throw in a pretentious excuse of ‘love’ and ‘acceptance’, and I might get a clear picture.”

Twilight glared at Discord. Discord grinned at Twilight.

“I didn’t wanna to do this,” Twilight tone became menacing. “But you leave me no choice.”

“Ooh! Scary!”, Discord mocked with wavy hands. “What are you gonna do? Gather your dinky little Elements and turn me to stone for a week?”

**********

“Bitch...” Discord seethed from atop an altar he’d grown to hate. “Stuck up. Know-it-all. Two-toed. Bitch.”

“Well, I’m happy to see you too, Discord,” Twilight grinned up at him, her brows curled up. “So what have we learned this week?”

Discord plopped on his haunches, shooting an empty glare toward the princess and her fellow Elements. His stomach gave a cringe-worthy lurch at the thought of what Twilight was implying. Even more so, knowing what could happen if he denied her. To that end, he did the one thing his instincts demanded. Rebel.

“That your love for me knows no bounds?” he said with a wry smirk.

A husky grunt from a certain chromatic pegasus quirked Discord’s eyebrows, “Hey Twi. Maybe a week in stone was a little too nice,” Rainbow said.

“And maybe the brown on your nose doesn’t bother you anymore,” Discord retorted, nearly falling over laughing when Rainbow gasped indignantly.

The half-lidded glare from Twilight made Discord through his arms skyward. “It's not gonna happen, ‘Your Highness’! I’m not apologizing,” he declared.

“Oh, I think we have a difference of opinion on that one,” Twilight said, her glare hardening. “You see, not only are you going to apologize for your behavior at the Gala, but also to Pinkie Pie.”

“Wait. What?!” Discord shot at angry squint at Pinkie. “The Hell did I ever do to you?!”

“Seriously?!” Pinkie squawked with an accusing hoof. “You bad-mouthed David Blaine! You’d have to be loco in the coco to bad-mouth David Blaine!”

“I’ll go loco in yourcoco...” Discord muttered with crossed arms.

Satisfaction achieved, Discord thought, as he bore witness to six varying degrees of mortified disgust.

Twilight squeezed her eyes shut to ward off the blush burning on her cheeks. “Ugh! Discord!” she shouted.

“What? Mare’s gotta rump,” was Discord’s only excuse.

Rarity turned her nose up, if only to recompose herself. “Hmph! I assume the ‘sexual harassment’ claims hold true?” she suggested.

“What was your first guess?” Rainbow sighed.

And there it was. The twinge of boredom. Discord limbs were beckoning him, aching to indulge in freedom, as they often did after being petrified. He stretched his aching joints, grunting with each satisfying snap, crackle, and engine roar.

“Is this gonna take much longer,” Discord complained. “Gotta loosen the old joints, because, you know... trapped in stone?”

Just as Discord knew she would, Twilight shot him an expectant look, “I have no problem with that. But unless you want that creak in your joints more often, you’ll keep out of trouble,” she said.

Discord’s eyes slowly narrowed to a competitive squint. “Challenge accepted...” he said.

"While you're at it,” Applejack cut in, a hoof patting against Pinkie’s shoulder,” apologize to Pinkie for what ya done said."

Discord cast a lazy glance toward Pinkie, who, to his limitless delight, was drawing circles in the grass with a very thick blush. He dared to assume that the little curl on her lips barely resembled that of a smile.

"Look, If I told you once, I’ve told you a thousand times! I will NOT-"

"Well,” Fluttershy muttered her way in, stepping toward Discord. “You could keep me company. I don’t get many visitors these days, and it'd be a treat to have you aro-"

"I, Discord, the Spirit of Chaos and Disharmony, hereby officially denounce all pride in the grievances I've caused, and, from the bottom of my heart, apologize." the Spirit proclaimed with a paw to his chest and a talon raised.

Just fathoming the words that fell from his mouth twisted Discord’s stomach. And with an overwhelming urge for escape, he lifted his paw to snap away from it all. But paused for the briefest of moments, and smiled, snapping his fingers for something entirely different.

Silence followed, and Discord could only sit stalk-still upon the altar to conceal his laughter.

Twilight quirked a brow. “Uh... What was that all abo-”

“Nothing.” Discord’s response was quick. Perhaps too quick. “Well! I’ll, uh, *snickers*, I’ll just be on my way. Ciao!”

And with that, Discord was gone. And not a moment too soon. Among the breezy solitude of the stratosphere, the winds whisked and howled against an uproarious laughter. Alone, Discord spun and spiraled uncontrollably, holding his wrenching stomach while trying to contain it all. In a phrase, he failed epically. Seconds ticked by, and only the numbers counting down in his head subsided his restless guffaws.

Life is good.

Discord was living, breathing proof of that. Of course, not many ponies accepted augmented perspective. And where once, that may have bother him, Discord has found more happiness proving them wrong with his blessings. Muddled as they may be. Yes, he was a draconequus of many talents, and many, many gifts. And he knew, as his countdown drew to a close, that Twilight would appreciate hers.

At least as much as a pony could enjoy a hulking, vividly furry, beady-eyed spider making it's home on her head.

Life is good. Life is great. Who else, but Discord knew this the most?

Author's Note

This was a neat little dedication to the respect, glory, and admiration of the one and only Discord (Q), my favorite MLP: FiM character. I based the premise off of how he would realistically handle being reformed. Needless to say, the resulting trollage was too tempting NOT to write.

Don't really care for critique here. This one was just for fun, and WHAT fun it was!