Kevin

by Chuckward

Rating: mature
Tags: Gore, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Other, Comedy, Random, Sex, Human
Length: 3513

Kevin really likes ponies. This is a mean-spirited satire, if you don't like that sort of thing then don't read it.

One man and his dream to get laid.

Based on a true story.

Published 2013-04-11 17:40:02 UTC
Last updated 2013-06-10 07:40:14 UTC

Kevin

It was a bright summer morning, and Kevin was just waking up from his beautiful bout of slumber. Wiping the thick sleep from his eyes, he yawned, stretching his arms out until they cracked and loosened. His normally flowing blonde hair was mussed up into an impossible bees nest, that was obscuring a good portion of his vision.

As he brushed the hair from his eyes, Kevin looked around to see his messy room, littered with Monster Energy, as well as a horde of pony paraphernalia. If your moist brain hasn't figured it out, Kevin is a brony, and he's damn proud of it.
Kevin moved his sheets aside, watching them crumble after being brittled by years of seminal soakings.

"What a shame," said Kevin aloud to himself,"that was my favorite set of pony sheets. My cum stains barely even showed up on them."

After a moment of silence for his dead bedspread, Kevin got up off of his bed, and headed towards the bathroom, being sure to step over any pony merchandise that lay in his path.
As he looked into his bathroom mirror, Kevin noticed that he was absolutely coated in sweat, semen, and shame, so he decided to take a shower.

Stripping down to his bare nethers, our daring protagonist stepped into the shower, and turned on the water as hot as it would go. After applying shampoo to his hair, Kevin reached onto his shower shelf and snatched one of the many pony figures.
Slowly, Kevin started rubbing his flaccid phallus, bringing it to full attention.

"Yeah Twist, you're a dirty slut," he moaned, rubbing the Twist figure s mane up against his glans as he stroked his stiffness.
Faster and faster Kevin pleasured himself, shouting obscenities as his rod began to twitch from the stimulus. He felt a stirring in his loins that he knew all too well, and sure enough a seminal shower soaked the mini pony's mane, coat, and tail.

Continuing to wash himself, Kevin took special care to scrub the stubborn semen from Twist as it clung cantankerously to the small figurine.

After Twist was thoroughly cleaned, Kevin stepped out of the shower, turning to admire the horrible accumulation of grime and muck that caked the floor of the shower.

Now that he had been cleansed and properly released, Kevin got dressed, brushed his gingivitis, and scurried downstairs. It was Saturday, and he was in a special kind of hurry, not wanting to miss the new episode of My Little Pony.

Kevin grabbed his petroleum jelly and plopped down on the old, beaten couch that happened to have cum stains all over it.
Flipping on the telly, Kevin was greeted with a scene where Applejack was lecturing her younger sister.

"Now Apple Bloom, ah know it seems scary, but that red stuff coming' out of your no-no zone is perfectly natural."

Jackpot! Shouted Kevin internally,It's the long awaited period episode, thanks Hasbro!

Dropping his pants with verilous vigor, Kevin grabbed his re-hardened member. All through the episode Kevin yanked it to the ponies on the screen.

Suddenly, just as the episode was finishing the third act (in which Apple Bloom gets acquainted with tampons) and Kevin couldn't take it anymore. He released himself all over the couch, and as he panted, he enjoyed the sticky secretions his stiff stick had shot.

Just then, his door opened, taking no effort to cover himself, Kevin got up, his cum dripping down his legs, pooling inside of his floored drawers.

"You've been busy," said the intruder as he looked at Kevin's cock.

"Karl, it's great to see you!" Kevin said ecstatically as he shambled towards his friend, arms outstretched.
Kevin embraced Karl, his flaccid, crusty penis rubbing up against the crotch of Karl's blue jeans.

"As much as I love your dick, now isn't the time for naked hugging." stated Karl matter-of-factly,"besides, I have something you definitely need to see."

"What is it?"

"Kyle, bring it in!"

Upon hearing those rad words, a red-haired boy with glasses and a huge penis(no he isn't naked) wheeled in, yes, he's a paraplegic. Behind him he towed a large cadenza made of mahogany, and really nice.

"So what?" Asked Kevin as he pulled up his pants," it's just some shitty furniture."

"No it isn't," replied Kyle," it's a magical cadenza, with a beatiful rug that will put any room together."

"We're gonna use it to go to Equestria and have lots of sex,"interjected Karl," ponies can't resist human dick, I read about it in a fanfiction, so it must be true."

"But we're Bronies."

"And how exactly does that prevent us from pony sex?"

"Well we have a mission. As Bronies, it is our duty to bitch at people who don't watch the show, fight amongst ourselves, scream at Hasbro about every little thing, complain about pony porn while hypocritically masturbating to it, convert everyone with peer pressure, be annoyingly materialistic, and not get girlfriends, as well as treat our fandom like it was like the civil rights movement, a gay pride parade and a holocaust survivors' memorial service all rolled into one. " Kevin said," and we can't do that if we go to Equestria."

Karl put a hand on Kevin's shoulder.

"I know Kevin," Karl said solemnly," it's quite a sacrifice, but if we want to go fuck ponies we're going to have to denounce our bronyhood."

Kevin broke down into tears, sobbing as he choked on his abundant neck fat.

Kevin, Karl, and Kyle eventually realized that they were doing this for the greater good, so with heavy hearts they each gave up being Bronies.

"Wow," said Kevin," I'm suddenly feeling less retarded and opinionated."

"Now that I'm not a brony, I actually have the capacity to form a cohesive sentence without breathing heavily and repulsing women," chimed Karl.

"I lost four hundred pounds," stated Kyle happily.

"Now who wants to fuck some ponies?"

"YEAH!" they all shouted in unison.

So, with newfound happiness after renouncing their bronyhood, Kevin, Kyle, and Karl jumped into the cadenza, getting enormous erections during the process.

After a few seconds the three friends leapt out of the cadenza, eager to see if it worked.

They found themselves surrounded by delicious, tender, sexy little foals that all gaped open-mouthed at the three new creatures before them.

Kevin looked around at all the adorable little children surrounding them. His erection practically tore his jeans.

"Jackpot!"

Kevin

Kevin looked on, remaining perfectly stationary as Kyle and Karl ran/wheeled around, chasing the moving mass of miniature ponies. The sight was truly awe-inspiring as a forty year old man relentlessly chased down a horde of small children with his erection bobbing up and down.

While most of the children were quick enough not to get caught by this dick-wielding maniac, Diamond Tiara was of course too slow to keep up with the sprinting mass, and she was quickly caught by Karl.

Karl slowly kissed the nape of Diamond Tiara's neck as he pulled down his wet britches. Diamond, for her part, was screaming maniacally, squirming as hard as she could to get away from the crazy rapist. The crazy rapist of course was doing his best not to let the stupid little girl escape, and was pretty much succeeding. I don't know if you've ever raped a child, but restraining one while trying to disrobe is no easy task, it's really just easier to break their fingers first. Too bad ponies don't have fingers.

Diamond managed to get a good hoof shot to Karl's jaw, stunning him just long enough for her to escape. She ran as fast as she could away from Karl...right into Kyle's waiting arms. This was bad news for Diamond, as not only was Kyle the most well endowed of the trio, but thanks to him having to cart himself around, he also had the most upper body strength. This of course meant that little miss Tiara wouldn't be escaping any time soon.

Kyle positioned Diamond Tiara's tiny twat above his massive thirteen-inch cock, raising her up so he could impale her with one thrust. The sudden impact would most likely kill Diamond, but that was half the fun.

"Wait a minute!" Shouted Karl, who had since stopped shambling after foals with his pants around his ankles.

"What the fuck do you fucking want you fucking fucker? I'm trying to fucking fuck this fucking pony."

"Dude, you can't fuck her, not without lube."

"Wow, you're right dude, thanks." Kyle thought hard above the bloodcurdling screams of Diamond Tiara. After a moment's thought, Kyle came up with the perfect plan.

Using one hand to lift his butt off of his wheelchair, Kyle positioned Diamond' pony pussy directly under his awaiting anus. Grunting super hard, Kyle shot bloody diarrhea out of his scabby butthole and sent it downward to cover Diamond Tiara's cunt in liquid caca.

Upon seeing her once beautiful box completely coated in crap, Diamond Tiara vomited all over herself, covering her body in stanch stomach secretions, as well as chunky bits of partially digested food. The acidly aftertaste left Diamond further gagging and gasping as Kyle pulled her back into position, placing her scat soaked slit upon his precum oozing cockhead.

In one powerful thrust, Kyle shoved his dinosauric dong directly into Diamond's cute cunt, his massive member only making it about one-sixth of the way in. His cock would go unsatisfied if he didn't think fast. It sorta makes you feel bad for the rapist pedophile doesn't it?

Kyle didn't mind the minimal penetration though, as he simply sat back, enjoying the blissful cries of pain emanating from the small, helpless filly. He cooed in pleasure as the warm, bloody diarrhea and vomit slid sown his cock, coating his clackers in creamy crap, and acrid stomach acid. The warm, slick diarrhea mixed wonderfully with the ungodly burning sensation of the vomit, and Kyle appreciated the elegance of the combination.

After a short while of just enjoying the diarrhea, Kyle decided it was time to get down to business, so he grabbed Tiara's shoulders and pushed her down even further. His gigantic superdick ripped apart Taira's cervix, and the shrill screams of the small filly pierced Kyle's ears once more, filling him with unimaginable pleasure.

Feeling like the romantic type, Kyle leaned in for a sultry kiss, wrapping his lips around Diamond's barf coated mouth as he used his tongue to expertly lick away chunks of acid coated food. Once more, Diamond vomited, releasing what little puke she had left into Kyle's gaping mouth.

Kyle graciously accepted the putrid puke, savoring the bitter taste on his tongue. Not one to be greedy, Kyle sloshed the vomit around, transferring it from his mouth to Tiara's and vise versa. Once he felt Diamond Tiara had had her fair share of vomit, Kyle sucked it back into his mouth, swallowing it all in one gulp.

Kyle then returned to his mission of penetrating the small foal, pushing his cock through her cervix until he penetrating her woeful womb. A torrent of blood befell upon Kyle's lap as he pushed not only his dick further into diamond's body, but also the bloody diarrhea and vomit that coated it.

Diamond Tiara had long since passed out, and was no longer forced to deal with the macabre horrors that Kyle was forcing her into. Until, of course, Kyle puked on her face, waking her up from the sheer shock. Kyle had gotten his penishole through her womb, and was now fucking the cavity in her body, enjoying the squishy sensation of the slimy organs that blanketed his cock.

Diamond Tiara coughed up blood, sending Kyle over the top. As he released his mighty seed into the little girl's body cavity, Kyle decided to start punching her in the face. Kyle laughed and moaned as he released wave after wave of stick cock slime.

Once he was done ejaculating, Kyle threw Diamond to the ground like a ragdoll, laughing at her and calling her a poopy head as he wheeled over and took a massive dump on her near lifeless body.

The last thing Diamond saw was a paraplegic's asshole emptying its contents upon her.

Kyle looked over to see that his friend Karl had caught up. With Twist.

Kevin

Kyle rested in his wheelchair, lighting a cigarette to bask in the afterglow. Once his smoke was through, Kyle bent down to his flaccid cock, which was coated in cum, scat, vomit, and blood. While the rancid mixture of assorted viscera and sexual juices was cooling to his cock, Kyle also knew that having such insanitary substances smothering his sex organ was highly dangerous, as it ran the risk of giving him an infection.

Knowing what needed to be done, Kyle took the crud-coated cock into his mouth, beginning to suckle and tougue the various areas. While this exercise was for sanitation rather than pleasure, Kyle soon found himself erect, and ready to party. As he licked the various disgusting substances off of his glistening, spit soaked cock, Kyle began to swallow them, savoring the putrescent, flavorful feeling of the assortment of horrible things slid down his gullet.

Sucking himself as he savored the stinky scat salad, Kyle began to tongue his glans, stimulating the thick, sensitive member in his mouth.

Moaning into his colossal cock, Kyle came with the ferocity of a howling wolf as wave after wave of salty semen shot out and slid straight down his esophagus, directly into his shit-filled stomach.

Meanwhile, ten feet away:

Karl had finally captured Twist, but alas, the squirming and thrashing of the tiny foal made it virtually impossible for him to sexually assault her. No matter, carrying the small pony in one arm, Karl grabbed a large rock, as he slowly twisted Twist's left hind leg. Karl then raised the rock high above his head, and brought it down upon Twist's twisted limb.

"What a Twist!" Karl exclaimed as he brutally beat the rest of Twist's legs until they consisted of nothing but bloody, gravelly bones, and a mass of mutilated muscles.

Twist, sure to do her part, was shrieking in the throws of agony as her poor legs were damaged beyond repair. Naturally this meant that she'd never make peppermints again, leaving her unable to perform her special talent. Twist was now as worthless as a piece of shit, and was of no use to anyone except as a sex doll. Thankfully for her, using her as a sex doll was Karl's exact intention, so at least she'll die with purpose.

Feeling in the mood for a joke, Karl decided to tie Twist's twisted legs into a poodle, giggling over the young foal's agonized shrieks as he made the macabre baloon animal.

Karl then put his hard, throbbing cock up to Twist's tender, young pussy. Before he thrust his girthy, eleven-inch dick directly into Twist's dry hole, he leaned down.

"Better watch out, better not cry, try not to scream, I'm going in dry."

Karl thrust his massive member into Twist's tight twat, cooing in pleasure as he tore her pussy apart. Blood dribbled from Twist's torn pussy, coating Karl's cock and covering the floor in crimson juices.

"YOLO!" Karl screamed as he swung his dick, slamming Twist's head into a tree. The blunt force trauma managed to knock her unconscious, giving her salvation from the immense pain.

Unfortunately she dreamt about getting raped and eviscerated sooo...

Yeah Twist died.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO MY STUDENTS?!" Screamed Cheerilee as she menacingly flailed a rubber chicken.

Kevin looked at Cheerilee's moist, succulent, delicious flank.

"Jackpot."

Kevin

Cheerilee charged Karl, brandishing the rubber chicken with murderous intent. Unfortunately, just as she was about to strike, Kevin intercepted her attack, blocking it with his butt. He then kicked Cheerilee, sending her flying back, only for her to land in a battle pose.

"I won't let you get away with what you've done to my students." Cheerilee growled.

"Shut up and fight me," replied Kevin as he pulled out a katana.

Both Cheerilee and Kevin charged each other, brandishing their weapons of choice. Cheerilee swung down, aiming for the crown of Kevin's skull, but Kevin swiftly brought his sword up to defend himself. The two struggled together, before realizing that their strength was dead even. Both of them sprung away, landing in battle poses far more epic than is humanly possible.

Kevin and Cheerilee both charged their energy into their respective weapons. Kevin was the first to finish, running like a samurai towards Cheerilee. Leaping ten feet into the air, Kevin brought his sword down, as it crackled with pure energy.

Cheerilee spun her rubber chicken like a helicopter, using the power inside to create a super energy shield. The two superpowers collided, sending magical, purple sparks flying out in all directions. During the intense struggle, Cheerilee swept Kevin's leg, causing him to fall. Immediately upon Kevin's collision with the ground, Cheerilee put on a pair of shutter-shade glasses and elbow-dropped her opponent.

Unfortunately, Kevin had the wherewithal to roll out of the way, and Cheerilee was left clutching her elbow.

"You're better than I thought," said Kevin as he hyperventilated," looks like I'll have to stop holding back."

Kevin reached into his boot and brought out a large combat knife. Taking special care to strike yet another pose, Kevin rushed forward, slashing at Cheerilee. Luckily for her, she dodged away at the last second, but unluckily for her, she was hit with a wave of pure energy that radiated from the slash.

Cheerilee coughed up blood, taking note of the irreparable damage that had been done to her internal organs.

Kevin came in close for a shot with his combat knife, but Cheerilee countered with her rubber chicken. Both weapons sunk deep into the arms of their owner's opponents, causing blood to leak down the blade and beak of the two combat items.

Kevin and Cheerilee stared hatefully into each other's eyes.

"Cheerilee, lets face it; you'll never defeat me without dying yourself, I'm too strong for you."

"Yeah? Well I think you're full of shit."

Kevin lunged forward, planting a roundhouse kick onto Cheerilee's temple. He raised his katana, ready to decapitate his foe.

"Any last words?"

"Just three," Cheerilee said before revealing a pink watch," IT'S MORPHIN' TIME!"

Cheerilee stood up, and pink electricity shot out from every orifice on her body," Pterodactyl!"

Cheerilee put on her pink ranger suit, struck a pose that would make the Ginyus shit themselves, and then charged Kevin at lightning speeds. With the tenacity of an eagle defending its eggs, Cheerilee struck Kevin, landing hit after hit with her rubber chicken.

Cheerilee's movements were so fast, that she eventually broke the sound barrier with each punch, sending shockwaves through Kevin's very being. The sound of splintering bones could be heard, and the only things louder were the impacts of the punches, and the pained cries of Kevin.

"Karl, Kevin's going to lose!" shouted Kyle.

"We can't have that," replied Kyle, who was now dressed like Rita Repulsa," lets see her beat Kevin, when he's fifty stories tall!"

Rita(Kyle), threw her magical staff into the ground, and it emitted bolts of electricity, all of which struck Kevin. Kevin grew and grew until he was indeed fifty stories tall.

"Mwahaha!" Kevin bellowed," now what will you do, Cheerilee?"

Cheerilee smiled and pressed a button on her wrist communicator.

"Zordon, send the zords."

Suddenly, four more ponies of varying colors appeared, all of them wearing battle suits.

"Back off, fang face," said the red one.

"The good guys are here," stated the black one.

"Get off our planet!" screamed the blue one.

"Cause we're the Power RangersTM!" exclaimed the yellow one.

"And we're not backin' down, HYA!" finished Cheerilee.

"DINOSAUR POWER!" screamed the Red Ranger.

A robotic tyrannosaurus burst up from the ground, as well as a mammoth, a triceratops, a pterodactyl, and a saber-tooth tiger, each with a host of cool explosions behind them.

All of the robots combined, with sparks shooting out everywhere. Once finished, they formed the megazord, a two million ton mechanical man.

Kevin shot a laser out of his katana, hitting the megazord directly in the chest. It josteled the rangers a bit, but alas, it barely dented the Megazord.

The Megazord charged at Kevin with his electric fist, hitting him in the jaw.

Kevin toppled, having been thwarted by the power of good. Unfortunately Kevin landed directly on top of Kiki.

"Well, at least she didn't die of a brain tumor." said Kyle.

With Kevin dead, the Megazord turned its attention to Karl and Kevin, as a robotic snake came out of nowhere and attached itself to the Megazord's crotch.

"Oh no," said Karl.

"Ohmai," said Kyle.

The Megazord loomed over them, his massive, two-story robo-cock throbbing. Kyle and Karl looked at each other and gulped nervously.

"We're sorry?"

Author's Note

Next time on Kevin: The Megazord rapes a paraplegic.