Happy Campers

by Okhlahoma Beat-Down

Chapters

Campout
Camp-in
Camp-palm
Camper-Slam
Camper-pan
Camper-Blam
Camper-Pow
Camper-Wham
Camper-Ram
Camper-Ham
Camper-Damn
Camper Hats
Camper-Fan
Camper-Tan
Camper Tank
Camper-Tram
Camper Mann
Camper Buster
Camper Mann

Campout

Mission begins in 60 seconds.

Cli-clik.

Vrrrrmmmm.

Shink.

Wsssssh.

"I'm movin' this!"

The shutter door flew open, as nine men, all indentical in team colour, stormed out with weapons prepared. A large, gorrila-like hulk of a man waddled out of the spawn, a huge brown and gunmetal gatling gun gripped firmly in his gloved hands. His legs were humorously small for his size, giving him the appearance of a penguin carrying a deadly, oversized Thompson submachine gun. His head was completely bald, and a light grey tint where his stubble peeked through were the only hairs on his face, besides his thin black eyebrows and eyelashes.

"Follow me, doctor!" he called, raising a hand to his mouth as he 'ran' to the doors of RED base. Heavy, being the member of the team with the expressed purpose of tanking damage and dishing out almost endless punishment from his giant guns, was not known for his speed. The Scout, however, had the job of running into the enemy base, smacking BLUs to death with a baseball bat, running really fast, and just generally being the go-to-guy if the RED Sniper wanted to piss off the BLU Sniper. A sudden hissing noise came from behind Heavy, and he felt the familiar sensation of rejuvenation he feels whenever his good friend, the Medic, uses his healing weapon. Smiling, the Heavy turned to the German doctor behind.

"Ja." the German smiled back, nodding. The two of them did this every day they had work. To both teams, the sight of an enemy Heavy and Medic pair advancing across the battlefield, a stream of energy flowing from the Medic's Medi-Gun to the Heavy in front was a nightmare to behold. Not only that, but the contrast between the two was quite noticeable. The Medic, like most German men of 1968, was quite tall. His black hair was always curled nicely above his black circular glasses, and his white lab-coat always had a collar where a red tie peeked out. Black boots adorned his feet, and he would always be wearing red gloves on the battlefield. However, when not on the fields of combat, Medic would usually be found in the surgery room, as he, ahem, 'fixed' the wounds of the previous battle alongside his trusty dove, Archimedes.

"We go together, doctor!" the Heavy shouted. Everybody on the team was used to his loud Russian voice, so nobody really complained.

"Javohl, I am charged!" the Medic replied. Über was invaluable to the pair: if it was full, and there was too much shrapnel flying, Medic activated it, granting temporary invulnerablity to the pair. Usually, this meant the other team would flee, because two figures glowing red with yellow eyes was pretty damn scary. However, it wasn't always the Heavy who was übered; sometimes it was the coloured Scotsman, Demoman, needing protection so he could place bombs in guarded places, or the Soldier, wanting a way to crack some skulls with his trusty array of gardening tools. Just then, a stout man carrying a toolbox moved up beside the two, followed by a much taller man carrying a sleek black rifle.

"G'day." said the taller man, tipping his hat to his smaller companion, who tipped his hardhat in return.

"Howdy, pardner." he replied. Heavy and Medic rolled their eyes, and listened for the announcements.

"Dumkoppf campers." Medic muttered to Heavy, who nodded with a frown.

"Da. Real men fight, cowards sit behind toys and sit in trees." Heavy replied. The Engineer shifted his toolbox on his shoulder, and nudged the Sniper stood beside him. The tall man looked down at him. He was used to looking down at things; mostly because he was damn tall, but quite often to see the BLU Spy he'd just killed and/or humilated in some way.

"Darned Russians." he chuckled. Sniper grinned.

"Bloody Germans." the Australian laughed. Engineer nodded. His overalls, filled with pencils and such other equipment that a designer of automated sentry guns, long range teleporters, and health and ammunition dispensers might need, were pressed against him quite tightly. His left hand, still bare from when Pyro decided to wear his rubber glove as a hat, had hardened from years of being hit with a wrench in idle boredom, thus making a protective casing of rubber unnecessary. His right hand, however, he concealed: underneath his rubber glove was a mechanical hand, named 'The Gunslinger' by Mann Co., supplier of weapons for both teams. Engineer had to saw his own hand off to use the thing, and, since Medic was kind of useless at re-attaching limbs, the Texan was stuck with it. It did, however, give him a slight more damage resilence, so he usually had it out when a tough battle was ahead. It also made that hand rather bad when he was in his workshop; it wasn't uncommon for Sniper to have to come and saw his hand apart from the steel.

Sniper, however, was a direct inverse to Engineer. Sniper was tall, much taller than the rest of the team, and was the only one who possibly had the guts to piss in a jar and throw it at his burning teammates. While it was quite disturbing the first few times, eventually it became nearly a necessity in the heat of battle. Not only that, but Sniper had spent years of his life as an outdoorsman; tracking animals in the outback, shooting them, then returning back to his camper van to have a beer, a snooze, and a browse of the gun catalogues. His hat, dusty and worn from years of being attacked by wild animals, had a fold on the left hand side, and his sunglasses further served to block sun from his eyes. A brown vest adorned his torso, 4 spare bullets in his top pocket, and a sheath across his back for his kukri meant he was quite well prepared for whatever the BLUs could throw at him. Just in case a Scout manages to get near him, which is quite often, the Australian kept his Father's WWII standard issue submachine gun. After the pair gave their gear a quick pat down and test, they gave each other a thumbs up.

Mission begins in ten seconds.

Sniper raised his Machina, held it up to his eye, and zoomed in on the doors of the other base. On the top floor of the BLU base, which was nearly a perfect resemblance to RED base, the doors to the opposite side remained closed. However, the wire fence that served as the door in question was still see-through, so Sniper decided to see what the other team were up to. Surprisingly, the BLU team Heavy, Engineer, Medic, and Sniper were doing pretty much the same thing the RED team was doing. The Sniper was even zoomed in on the RED door, before he noticed his rival Sniper was too. Smiling, he waved to his red rival, and the RED Sniper returned the favour. There was no real hatred between the teams, except for the spies, because everybody hated the two backstabbing Frenchmen. In fact, the RED Demoman and BLU Soldier were once best of friends, except the Administrator broke that down to a simple friendship. It was only on the battlefield that there was really any TRUE hatred. Scouts pissed off Snipers, Spies annoyed the hell out of everybody, Demomen planted bombs in the most impossible places, and most importantly for the purposes of this story, Snipers and Engineers camped in irritating Sentry nests.

"Y'all ready to go to work?" Engineer asked Sniper.

"You bet, mate." Sniper grinned, before the announcer spoke again.

5, 4, 3, 2, 1!

The shutters suddenly swung open, allowing both teams easy access into and out of the base. As per daily ritual, the two Scouts immediately charged out of both bases, defied physics by double jumping onto the bridge, before beginning to beat each other senseless with wooden and metal bats. The RED Medic and Heavy wasted no time in jumping off the top floor of the base, Heavy's gun firing rounds rapidly, before a loud electrical noise meant the Über was due to activate. Both team's Heavys and Medics activated at the same time, and began hammering each other with bullets. Of course, none of them had any effect, thus making it a pointless exercise until the über ran out. Usually, that ran out at the same time their ammunition did. So, both switched to their shotguns and peppered each other with pellets. Both would yell out in pain, as their wounds were healed by their Medics. Eventually, the shotgun ammo ran out too, thus leaving both Russians to begin punching each other. Meanwhile, their Medics had decided to sit on the walls of the bridge beside each other, watching their companions duke it out as the two Germans had a chat. Of course, their companions could fight for hours on end, due to the stamina regeneration provided by the Medi-Guns.

Engineer and Sniper both immediately ducked to avoid the BLU Sniper's arrows from his Huntsman, before Sniper took the opportunity to squeeze a round off at the enemy. The round never hit, usually because both teams weren't in the mood for killing. The common excuse was usually that the winning team would get piss-drunk the night before through Demoman's supply of Degroot scrumpy, invite the losing team over, and then they'd all get piss-drunk and have massive hangovers the day after. However, today both teams had decided, via a secret messaging system in the form of Pyro's shouting, decided they might stop the Administrator from getting angry and turning off the RESPAWN by having a fight. It only took the Soldiers, Pyros, Heavies, Demomen, and Scouts to constitute a fight. Sniper had decided he might just fire for effect, especially considering that the Administrator knew where his parents lived.

"Crikey, that was close!" exclaimed Sniper, crawling alongside Engineer to their usual spot. The central balcony of Teufort's bases were ideal camping spots, mainly due to their elevated location, direct line of sight to nearly everywhere inbetween the bases, and it was opposite the other team's balcony. The moment the two friends got behind the wall that shielded them from incoming fire, they breathed a sigh of relief and sat against it. "You OK, mate?"

"Yep," Engineer replied, dropping his toolbox on the floor. The built-in gyro sensors immediately kicked in, as the metal container flipped open, revealing a small cuboid structure. Engineer began to smack the metal object with his wrench, and it immediately began to extend upwards. After around two seconds, the cuboid was now shaped like a cereal box with a screen, knobs, and dials, before a small cylinder of gas extended from the side. It slowly reached up, before metal clamps locked it in place, and a belt of ammunition extended from the side. The screen blinked on, with a meter showing the newly-erected Dispenser's functionality. "Never better."

"Good," Sniper coughed, before popping up with his Machina, firing off the shot, and hitting a Soldier square in the head. His victim yelled out in pain, before Sniper sat back down. "Can't be losin' my best friend, can I?"

"Thanks, buddy." Engineer laughed, before pulling out two bottles of beer from a compartment on the Dispenser. "Who's the poor fella who got hit with that one?"

"Ol' Tin Hat." replied Sniper, opening the bottle with the side of his rifle. "All rockets, no brains, eh mate?" Both Texan and Australian laughed at the joke. Soon, the conversation turned to it's usual fare: spies.

"When do y'all think the slippery Frenchy's gonna arrive?" Engi asked, drinking some of the beer, before smacking the Dispenser with his wrench a couple of times.

"Pretty soon, I'm guessin'." Sniper nodded, before pointing to his back. "No problem for me, I've got my...bloody hell, I forgot to grab me Razorback on my way out!" He facepalmed, before Engineer tapped him on the shoulder.

"Well, why's that kid out there usin' it as a shield?" asked the Texan. Sniper immediately looked up, and peeped over the window ledge. Sure enough, the Scout had the wooden shield attached to his left arm in a shield, and it seemed to be working. The BLU Scout was firing his Shortstop at the RED Scout, every round harmlessly impacting the shield. Finally, the RED Scout drew his Flying Guillotine, the meat cleaver glinting wickedly in the sun, and chucked it at the BLU Scout. The poor teenager had no time to react: the blade dug straight into his chest like an arrow, and blood began to pour out of the gaping hole in his shirt. The BLU Scout stared at it, groaned in frustration, before falling dead and sliding off the roof of the bridge. RED Scout, of course, was celebrating.

"WOO, HOO-HOO-HOOOOO!" he cheered, raising his arms in the air. "Beat it, bozo, let a real Scout get t' work!" RED Sniper just growled, before looking over to BLU base. The BLU Sniper was also watching the Scout, before he glanced at the RED Sniper. Promptly, RED Sniper began to speak with BLU Sniper, only using lipreading.

"Shoot the 'ooligan, would ya?" he said to the BLU Sniper.

"Ya read my mind, mate." he smiled, before disappearing below for a moment. After a few seconds, the BLU assassin popped back up with a Huntsman. He held the bowstring back, before releasing an arrow that nailed the Scout in the head. He cried out in shock, before following his BLU rival off the bridge and into the waters below. RED Sniper stood up, and performed the Schaudenfraude, before waving to the BLU Sniper. Both were friends, except friends that had, on many occasions, nailed each other in the head with high-calibre bullets and flaming arrows, and on a few occasions beat each other to death with frying pans.

However, that didn't stop the two from passing some friendly gestures on the battlefield, on one occasion high-giving in the middle of the battlefield and just ignoring each other for the rest of that battle so they could focus on shooting the Scouts. Both of them hated the irritating Bostonians. Both of them were friends with the Engineers of their teams, thus making their bond as Snipers even closer. Ironic, especially considering how their job was to be far away from everyone.

"He was askin' for it." Engineer laughed, drinking more beer. "Still, he'll be back."

Sure enough, the Texan was right. The teenager ran out of the doors, and just before he was going to jump off the edge, he looked to the two campers. Grinning, he ran up to the Engineer.

"Need a dispenser here."

"Nope."

"Need a sentry here."

"Nope."

"Need a teleporter here."

"Nope."

"Need a dispenser here."

"Nope."

"Need a dispenser here."

"Nope."

"Need a dispenser here."

"Yeah."

"Frickin' un-believable!" Scout yelled, before frustratedly going off and yelling 'Medic!' several hundred times. Engineer grinned, pulled out his PDA, and pressed a button. A toolbox spontaneously appeared in his hands as he stood up. He pulled off the same procedure as he did with the dispenser. This time around, however, a tripod appeared, slowly folding out, spinning, and extending into a small, level one Sentry Gun. It made a few beeps every few seconds, as it made a circular arc of aiming. Suddenly, there was a loud chirp, the sentry rapidly spinning around. It fired twice, loud chunk-chunk sounds clearly explaining that the sentry had fired, and the loud scream of a soldier falling from his rocket-jump and breaking both of his legs on the floor clearly explaining that he had nailed the bastard.

"Good shot, mate!" Sniper said happily, giving the sentry a thumbs up. The sentry chirped in reply, before continuing its aiming circle. Engineer grinned.

"Ah built that." he chuckled. The Sniper grinned back, raised his bottle, and held it up.

"Cheers, Truckie."

"Back atcha, Slim."

Both bottles clinked.

Camp-in

Twilight fluffed up all 6 pillows, straightened her deep purple mane, and stood by the door. She'd been organising this with the girls for weeks now: though she had become the Goddess of Magic, she hadn't forgotten who had helped her along the path to glory. Wings neatly tucked by her sides, she ruffled her feathers in anticipation for the first of her friends to arrive. Would it be Rarity? Pinkie Pie? Rainbow Dash? She didn't know, and it was getting strangely tense for her.

"Hmmm..." she tapped a hoof to her snout. "Where are they? I said 6:15, it's 46 seconds past 6:15! Are they even coming?" Twilight then realised what she was doing, and mentally slapped herself. "No. Bad Twilight. Last time you got paranoid, you hypnotized the entire town into loving Smarty Pants. Calm down. Deep breaths." Just then, the doorbell rang. Yes, she had spent a few weeks designing it, and yes it did momentarily damage the Library's electronic lighting, but still: she'd made it, and it was a testament to how Celestia-damned awesome she was with fiddly things. The lights flickered, and smiling, Twilight opened the door with her magic.

"Hey, Twilight." Fluttershy said happily. The small vanilla Pegasus was stood on the other side of the door, saddlebags pressed against her side. She seemed to be struggling with them slightly. "I hope I'm not late, I mean, I'm sorry if I am, it's just-"

"No problem, Fluttershy." Twilight giggled, levitating the bags off her friend's back. The Pegasus seemed relieved to have less weight to carry. The Pegasus was ushered inside, and the door closed. "The good thing is that you're here."

"Yes, it is." Fluttershy agreed, nodding. "It's getting quite windy outside."

"Well, Rainbow Dash did come over to tell me about an upcoming thunderstorm, so the Weather Patrol must be gearing up for that."

"I don't like thunderstorms." Fluttershy squeaked, drooping her head slightly. Twilight rolled her eyes, before moving beside her friend and wrapping one of her awesome new alicorn wings over her.

"Don't worry, Fluttershy." she comforted. "What are you so afraid of?"

"Well, the last time there was a thunderstorm of this scale, a tree fell down and broke through your wall. That, and Angel told me that some strange animals have been running around the Everfree Forest. So, I'm slightly worried that something will arrive in this thunderstorm."

"Don't be silly, Fluttershy." Twilight laughed, rubbing a hoof in Fluttershy's mane. "That tree was cut down ages ago, and Angel must be joking. There's no such thing as monsters, we already know about every animal in the Everfree. You know them best, so did Angel describe them?"

"Umm...no?"

"See? He must be joking. There's nothing in that Forest."

The Bolted-Sniper was lost. The grey, tall robot had already figured out a loophole in the whole 'running on money' issue, easily circumvented by putting dry leaves in the fuel port, which the onboard computer would mistake for paper money, but he hadn't managed to find a way out of the forest. Not to mention it was beginning to rain. Rain messed with his circuitry. Just as he went in-between two trees, the lights in his eyes lighting up the way, there was a faint clanking sound. Confusing at first, since Bolted-Sniper didn't think anybot came with him to this mysterious land, but the confusion was replaced by an irregularity: happiness. He wasn't programmed to feel it, but it was...there. A clanking. The sign that another robot was here. Rather hurriedly, the Sniper checked through his system audio logs to see if he could match the tempo of the clanks to that of another unit. Finally, he found a matching file.

"Demoman." Sniper muttered. It was actually a recording from the original Sniper, who supposedly worked for both BLU team and RED team, whatever those were. The clanking gradually increased in loudness, before the bushes nearby could be heard rustling. Finally, they parted to reveal a shaking, steel version of a certain black Scotsman. However, Sniper saw something was...off.

He had one eye, sure, as with all Demo-9000 units, except above it there was hair. An afro, to be precise. Below the flapping jaw, he saw the batteries had been replaced with what appeared to be 1800's bombs, black balls with string poking from the top. In front of the individual lens Demomen usually had for eyes, there was a pair of white shutter glasses. However, his choice of weapon seemed to be the most eccentric part about him: instead of the usual grenade launcher, sticky-bomb launcher, or sword, he seemed to be carrying a black metal frying pan. Both stared at each-other for a moment, the non-existent silence cut out by the sound of chugging motors and quite pattering of rain.

"Demopan?" asked the unusual Demo. Sniper-Bot facepalmed.

"OK, mate." he replied. "That it?"

"Aye!" shouted the Demoman, quite loudly echoing into the night. "Nobody else."

"OK, mate. Where are we goin'?"

"Home, laddie. Back to the other bots, eh?"

"Yeah. OK."

"Thanks, mate."

After refuelling on dry leaves, both bots began to run in the most awkward manner you can imagine, in a random direction. Both had failed to notice the castle built into the mountains above, which is slightly stupid of two machines to miss. The pair also failed to hear the sound of many more chugging motors, and the occasional tap tap to punctuate the noise.

"OK girls, I have something to show you." Twilight finally said. The rain pattered against the window, and gave the room a slight gloom in the air. Nevertheless, the purple alicorn had a new spell to show her friends, and one she had perfected a while back. Simply, it was a little trick to bring an animal from somewhere else in another dimension. It seemed, however, that she had tapped into the realm of infinite kittens when she had used it, and summoned hundreds of kittens. Whilst adorable at first, and keeping the Ponyville cat home happy, she felt her skills hadn't truly been tested.

"Ooh, what does it do Twilight?" Pinkie asked quickly, before bouncing around in a nearby flowerpot. "Does it summon an animal from an alternate dimension? Because I think that's where you're getting all the kittens from. Those kittens were so fwuffy, and adowable, but then you gave them away. The kittens came from an alternate dimension, so I think that tonight something else will come from a different dimension and have to fight lots of super-cool robots!" Everypony just stared at the pink pony. Twilight was first to speak up.

"What...are you talking abou-"

"I dunno. Is that the spell? To know what I'm talking about AAAAAAALL the time?"

"That's be useful, but no." The alicorn secured herself on the ground. "Step back girls, I'm about to demonstrate."

Coldfront. 10:43AM.

"...sappin' mah dispenser!"

"Not much of a quick draw, are you 'pardner'?"

BOOM

"Dispenser down!"

As the last fragments hit the floor, the Engineer swung his Jag wrench. The steel rod whistled through the nearby air, before finally digging into the BLU spy's face. Letting out a cry of pain, Spy immediately fell over, 'dead'. But Engineer knew Spy well enough that he was more than likely using a Dead Ringer. A Dead Ringer would allow the user to fake their own death, and was favoured between the RED and BLU spies, especially when attacking Engineers. As he usually would, Engineer grabbed his Wrangler, and a red shield rapidly formed over the nearby Sentry gun. As Engineer aimed the small joystick around, the tripod machine gun did so, aiming in the desired direction. Engineer grinned, and squeezed the small trigger.

The whole area lit up with gunfire as the sentry gun sprayed bullets in all directions, embedding in rocks until it finally hit something invisible...as it headed back into the enemy base, flickered blue, before the figure of a suited man finally lay dead on the floor, painting the snow red.

"Fine shot, mate." Sniper said, putting his thumb up.

"Much abliged." Engineer grinned, before frowning. "That Spy left his sapper here. Wonder what happens if y'all and your shield get sapped?"

"Don't even think about it, mate." Sniper laughed. Suddenly, Sniper felt something tap his shoulder, and the sudden pain of electricity coursing through his veins. Engineer gasped loudly, grabbing at the small box that had appeared on Sniper's Razorback.

"Good day to you, mate!" a French voice snorted mockingly. Engineer didn't listen to Sniper telling him to back away: his best friend was in trouble, and he was going to help him.

"Hold still, buddy!" Engi yelled, pushing Sniper over and grabbing the small box that was attached to his back. The electronic devices on the Razorback were with energy, wires were unplugging, and the whole shield was alight. Sniper thrashed at the straps on the shield, before he was hauled back up. "We gotta get y'all back t' base!"

"Thanks mate!" Sniper cringed. Engineer began to haul him to the nearby teleporter, and the two stood on top of it. Since they were holding onto each-other, the device would count them as one entity rather than two, thus halving the number of journeys. However, just as the teleporter charge reached 100%, it flickered multiple times, before the light turned purple. All three men stared at this, two in horror, one in interest.

"Aw, p-"

The device flashed brightly, the usual sound replaced by a low growl, and the two men disappeared as the device exploded. Spy stood there dumbfounded, the wind whistling quietly as he scratched his head and shrugged. Footsteps were heard to his right, prompting Spy to draw his revolver. However, when he saw the RED Spy come into view, something prompted him to lower it. RED Spy didn't even bother to raise a finger to attack BLU Spy. Both men just stared at the wreckage of the teleporter.

"What happened here?" RED asked.

"I threw a sapper onto the outdoorsman's shield, and he and the cowboy fell through the teleporter." BLU replied.

"You sapped his Razorback?"

"Oui."

"..."

"Excellent work."

"Many thanks. Hi-five?"

"But of course."

Dear Princess Celestia,

I am aware it is late, but I may have accidentally summoned two creatures from another dimension. Each resemble a form of skinless monkey, except, not being racist or anything, they seem to be much smarter than them. One seems to be some form of builder, judging by his hard-hat and overalls. He seems relatively fine with his sudden change in location, and is talking to the girls. The other, however, seems to be...miserable. He hasn't said a single word since he appeared, besides 'bloody hell'. I assume this is some kind of exclamation where they are from, but he hasn't said anything else. We have the two secure, in the library basement. They seem fine with being ordered about, but I thought this may be important important in case they aren't what they seem.

Please reply with haste, your fellow Princess,

Twilight Sparkle.

Camp-palm

"...I do not understand. Tell Heavy again."

Spy facepalmed, along with the BLU Spy. Both teams had gathered in the RED Intelligence room, with the promise of a full explanation of why none of the BLUs had been shot in the head with an arrow, or had 4 missiles launched at them without any remorse. RED Spy and BLU Spy were explaining the reason that the Sniper and Engineer were gone, with BLU Engineer and RED Medic trying to figure out how BLU Spy even managed to attach the sapper to the Razorback in the first place.

"As I have explained twice, making this the third time we've explained," BLU Spy groaned, puffing his cigarette before carelessly flicking it to RED Pyro, who promptly appeared to eat it. "The Engineer activated my Dead Ringer, and as I escaped was cut down. Once I respawned, I went for revenge on the pair, before overhearing the two discussing what might happen if a sapper were attached to the Bushman's shield."

"It's called a Razorback, mate." BLU Sniper piped up from the bag, raising a hand. "You should bloody know what you're sappin', mate."

"Silence, you urine-tossing bushman. He's explaining." RED Spy shot back, before flicking his own cigarette at the BLU Sniper, and set his trousers on fire.

"Many thanks." BLU Spy replied, ignoring the sudden smell of urine filling the room. "As I was saying, I attached my sapper to the shield, and as the cowboy went to remove it, they tried to return to base, but that backfired. So, it can only be assumed that both of them are now dead. A moment of silence for our dear friends, urine-tosser and gunslinger." The room went silent, before being shattered violently.

"DOES THIS OR DOES THIS NOT MEAN THAT THE RED CAMPERS ARE GONE?" Both Soldiers yelled.

"Oui..." RED Spy groaned, facepalming. "We are down two men. So yes: the repulsive Bushman will no longer be shooting you through the face."

"Mmph-mm mm-mph?" RED Pyro asked.

"Erm...oui?"

"MM-MM!" The masked arsonist promptly stood up, went in front of BLU Pyro, and raised his hand. "Mm-mm!" BLU Pyro giggled, stood up, cracked his fingers, and slapped the RED Pyro's hand. Both did a small girly clap, before sitting down like nothing happened.

"Ugh, frickin' mumbles." RED Scout groaned, reclining in his chair.

"CAN IT, PRIVATE TWINKLE-TOES." BLU Soldier yelled suddenly. Scout, being the cocky kid he was, stood up and glared at Soldier.

"Yeah? Lotta good that hardhat's gonna do ya when I'm done!"

"Shhh. Sascha is asleep." RED Heavy cut in, raising a hand. His minigun actually was making a quite whirring noise. BLU Heavy nodded, cradling Natascha in his arms.

"Shut it, fatty." BLU Scout yelled, standing up and reaching for his Boston Basher. RED Heavy stood up.

"Very well. Let us fight: Man against tiny baby man." Heavy glared down at the teenager, who stared back up into his eyes. David versus Goliath, until David smacked Goliath in the testicles with a bat covered in nails. Heavy whimpered, and fell over.

"Yeah. Next time eat a salad." Scout laughed, before suddenly falling over. Behind him, stood the two Demomen, both with bottles raised.

"Laddie, ye cannae dominate me; I'll take ye t' the Pain Train station in Train town." RED Demoman said, before chugging his bottle and passing out on BLU Pyro's lap. Pyro clapped, before setting him on fire quite brutally. Demo didn't care: he was drunk, Pyro didn't have an excuse.

Amidst the carnage, Sniper had walked up to BLU and RED Spy, both facepalming. He stared at them, before shrugging.

"You fellas fancy a smoke?" he asked, pulling out a packet of cigarettes. Both Spies grinned.

"Oui." they said simultaneously. All three began to head upstairs, leaving the the room in utter TF2 regularity. The moment they smelled fish, they walked a bit faster, and when they heard the sound of both Pyro's flamethrowers hissing into life all three sprinted upstairs to the Spawn.

"Piss."

Tok.

"Piss."

Tok.

"Piss."

Tok.

"Piss." Sniper repeated, before smacking his head against the bookcase again. He hadn't answered any of the...pony's questions, but Engineer had. He was being quite careful so as not to get both their weapons taken away, and he hadn't said anything about the backpacks. So even if they did take his Lugermorph, they couldn't take that Spy revolver he'd found. He may not have trained with it, but both of them were aware how a simple minigun worked. If they could lift it.

"So, you kill people and get paid?" the purple alicorn asked, sounding worried. "And they're almost completely identical copies of you? That sounds horrible."

"Nope." Engineer replied, "It gets kinda fun, y'all might guess. Ya don't even need to project yerself onto the enemy: they're pretty much you." The alicorn jotted this down with the magical powers it had on it's head, before stopping to look at Sniper. The Australian saw this and stopped smacking his head against the wall.

"Somethin' the matter?" he growled.

"So you can talk..." the unicorn murmured, writing it down. "Oh, um, yes, sorry, I was, um, wondering if you were OK?"

"No, I'm bloody not 'OK'." Sniper stabbed back, causing the alicorn and 'her' friends to recoil and take up defensive stances. "I'm in another bloody dimension, with me best friend, and I'm 'avin' to answer questions to some wanker horse. So no, I'm not bloody 'OK'." The Australian's vision was almost instantly bleared as something knocked into him at speed, and he smacked the bookshelf, sending books everywhere. Instinctively, his hunter instincts took over, and he reached for his knife. As ritual to get rid of pesky Spies, he'd grabbed a Tribalman's Shiv, which would cause severe bleeding on a hit. However, as a tradeoff, it wasn't as sharp. The thing wrapped around his chest was pried off with ease, using his left hand, and he found himself staring at the Rainbow horse. It had wings, those might fetch a lot on the market...

"Let me go!" the horse shouted, flailing it's hooves around in a fighting stance. "I'll lay you out! Nopony talks to my friends like that!" It's rant was cut off by something very, very sharp under its snout. Fearfully, the Pegasus froze, and slowly looked down.

"Now this is a knife." grinned Sniper. With little to no effort, he had held the thrashing Pegasus back with one hand, and used his other hand to tell it to piss off. "Don't. Do that. Again." he growled. The Pegasus swallowed, and nodded. Sniper let go of it quite quickly, sheathed his knife, and returned to smacking his head on the wall.

"What's his problem?" the purple alicorn asked, frowning at his method of defence.

"He's anti-social." Engineer replied. "Y'all don't wanna know why."

"Yes I do." replied the alicorn. She looked quite brave. Engineer sighed, and told Sniper to come over. "This here magic horse says she wants t' know why y'all are so damned miserable. Y'all wanna tell lil' miss brave?"

"Alright." Sniper groaned, taking a seat at the small table. All of the other little horses surrounded the table to listen, the rainbow one glaring with the Force a' thousand Natures. "It all started when..."

Taptap. Taptap. Taptap. Taptap. Taptap.

"Snort snort, hahaha." laughed the Spycrabs, their massive numbers and terrifying method of walking rather than their loud noises and irritating tapping being the thing scaring the animals awa. The robot had been stalking his prey for hours, two unsuspecting robots in the form of a Demopan and Sniper. The pair stopped to put more dry leaves into their fuel ports, before resuming. Now was the chance for the Spycrabs to strike. All at once, the blue robots stalked out of random places, all making the same 'ohohohoho' laughing noise. Both robots seemed unfazed, clearly they should be respected due to the things they had seen prior to meeting the army of Spycrabs. All the Spies stopped, before immediately going 'ohohohoho' as a sign of respect. The Sniper and Demoman had no clue what was going on.

"Demopan?" Asked Demo.

"Yeah, OK." replied Sniper. And from that point forward, Demopan had no idea why they were being followed by Spycrabs.

"...and that is why I believe any old sap can pull the teeth from a dead crocodile, but it takes a man to pull them from a live one." Sniper finished. Engineer was grinning and nodding. The ponies had gone pale, except the albaster unicorn, who now emitted light.

"Th...that's...aw-awful..." the purple alicorn shuddered.

"Well, you wanted to know, Shiela." Sniper nodded. "Anyway, where are me and Engi gonna be sleepin'?"

"Umm...the basement?" replied the alicorn, pointing to a door. Both humans nodded, and walked over to it.

"Thanks, miss...?" Engineer waved a hand. The alicorn smiled.

"Oh, of course, how silly, Princess Twilight Sparkle, a pleasure." Twilight stressed the word 'Princess', hoping that the pair might know about respect.

"Yeah, OK." Sniper replied bluntly. "I'm Mr. Mundy, but call me Sniper."

"I'm Dell Conagher, RED Team Engineer, but you can call me Dell or Engi." Engineer added.

"OK, now that formalities are out of the way, shall I, the Princess, lead you to your quarters?"

"Heck yeah." Dell replied. Twilight facehoofed.

These would be the longest days in Equestrian history.

Camper-Slam

"This is just bloody rubbish." Sniper muttered, his voice muffled as he pressed his face into his hands. The light in the room, tiny as it may have been, almost filled the entire room with light, illuminating all the strange machinery and boxes containing...things. It took all of Engi's willpower not to just grab a machine, disassemble it, then reassemble it into something more destructive. "Stuck in a land full a' prancin' ponies, no way to get back home, and we're low on bleedin' ammo. How're your metal reserves, mate? Got enough to build somethin'?" Engineer looked into his small bag that somehow managed to summon toolboxes, and large amounts of steel on demand. The bag was still at least three quarters full.

"I got 'bout enough to erect a Dispenser." Engi nodded. Sniper grinned.

"Good one, mate." smiled the Australian, bumping a fist onto the Texan's shoulder. "Thank the queen for that, then. Let's get to it!" Engi immediately drew the small PDA from his pocket, pressed the small red switch on the top, and looked over the buttons. From years of performing the ritual, especially to shut Soldier up when he was in Trolldier mode, his finger clacked out 'B43'. Almost instantly, he slipped the device into his pocket once more, and clutched the suddenly appeared toolbox. Though he'd been doing it for years, Engi still couldn't get used to how rapidly a small calculator-sized device could summon a toolbox full of steel, glass, and lights. Sniper was smiling as well; now they were in buisness. From the metal gathered from this device, they could make bullet and missile spewing turrets, and possibly a way home. Sniper didn't want to stay in this 'Equestria' for long, especially since they didn't know a hunter when they saw one.

"Where'd ya think this should go?" Engineer asked, arms wrapping easily around the toolbox as he looked for somewhere to set it down. "Middle o' the floor?"

"Yeah." Sniper chuckled. Engineer did so; dropping the toolbox quite casually on the floor amidst the other pieces of machinery. Slowly, the small box began to construct itself, speeding up when Engi smacked it with his Jag. The loud ding sounds echoed through the library, all the way up to where a certain Princess was sleeping.

"...but Princess, you know the public will find out!"

"Shush, Crimson Quill, and keep ruttin-

Twilight's dream about her new assistant was interuppted by the sound of something metal hitting metal. Slowly, she fluttered her eyes open, and checked the foot of the bed.

"It must be Spike..." she groaned, rubbing a hoof through her mane. "Not like him to wake up at 3:00 to do his chores, though..." Looking to the foot of the bed, she saw the small dragon sleeping in his basket under the blankets, snoring peacefully. Smiling, Twilight leaned back to g-

Wait.

Princess Twilight immediately jumped up, throwing the blankets across the room as she scrambled on her hooves in a frantic rush to get downstairs to the basement. The stairs clomped loudly as the alicorn ran down, slid in the library central room, before practically smashing the door to the basement down. To her horror, she saw the two humans...

...next to a new machine, the Engineer doing some form of dance on top of it whilst the Sniper laughed along. Twilight was speechless. Cautiously, she approached the two men.

"What...is this...?" she asked slowly.

"This is mah dispenser!" Engineer replied, still dancing. "It gives us bullets, keeps us goin', and ah built it!"

"Yeah!" Sniper grinned, putting his 'thumbs' up.

"Well, it's 3 in the morning, and you're building a machine that looks like you spent months building!" Twilight groaned, facehoofing. "You could have waited until tomo-later to do it."

"Nope." Engineer replied, climbing down from his contraption and whacking a wrench into his ungloved hand. "And anyway, wasn't your Princess s'pposed to come here and look at us?"

"Yes, and I cannot stress this enough, later." Twilight groaned, facehoofing again. "You don't want to be tired for that, do you?"

"I've tracked animals for 240 hours straight, with no sleep, Shiela." Sniper cut in. "I think I can 'andle a few hours without it."

"Fine, fine, just...be less noisy, alright? I know you're excited..."

"Nope."

"...and curious..."

"Nah."

"...and possibly hungry..."

"Heck yeah!" Twilight froze at Engineer's comment. They're hungry? But...what do they eat? I should ask.

"OK...so you two haven't eaten for a while?" she asked. "What do you eat, anyway?"

"Meat, beers, bread, vegetables, fruits, coffee, them things, Shiela." Sniper replied.

"You eat meat?" Twilight gulped. "Not gemstones like Spike?"

"Why would we eat rocks?" Engineer asked. "We're campers, not miners. And who's Spike?"

"You'll meet him later." Twilight muttered, before stepping aside to reveal the staircase leading upstairs. "But would you like something to eat? I should have asked earlier, but..."

"Yeah, thanks." Sniper cut her off. The Australian unslung his rifle, knife, and Razorback, removed his hat and jacket, before leaving them on top of the dispenser. The constant stream of supplies would mean both should be running at maximum efficiency when he returned. Patting the dust, blood, and wood shaving from on his hands to his trousers, Sniper nodded and moved upstairs. The doorway at the top was barely big enough to accomodate him with his hat, so he passed through with relative ease. Engineer followed suit, removing his hard-hat and nothing else, before going at a relatively brisk pace to catch up to his friend.

Once she was sure they were gone, Twilight's curiosity got the better of her. Carefully, she picked up the knife with magic, and gave it an idle twirl. Quietly, she murmured to herself.

"Metal...over 20 years old..." she whispered, narrowing her eyes at the blade. "Covered in blood...now let's see about his hat..."

Suddenly, there was a sound from in the darkened room. Taptap. Chugging. Thinking she must have left a machine on, Twilight carefully replaced the knife in its sheath and began to look around the room. She could barely see much with the light. Although it was a brilliant light, it couldn't defy physics. Behind the machines she couldn't see anything, but she was assertive she could make out a shaking object with two blue lights.

Huh... she thought, cautiously approaching the object, Don't remember a machine that does that... Once she had reached a 'safe' distance, Twilight illuminated her horn with a purple aura, as she usually would to investigate an object. However, it was gone. "What?" she said aloud, frantically looking around to see where it may have gone.

Wsssssh...

"Gentlemen? Ohohohoho." Taptap.

"Demopan?" asked the Demo-Bot again to Sniper-Bot.

"Yeah, OK." replied Sniper, nodding and remaining zoomed in. His AI had developed significantly to deal with his new companion; just reply 'Yeah, OK' to all his questions and he'd shut up for 20 minutes. Now was the time for silence, especially since they could be detected at any moment. He had his sights set on a large Carousel-like building, with multiple statues representing horses decorating the rather feminine building. He had watched the albaster unicorn walk in there earlier, and he assumed she could help them go home.

Demopan had no idea why he was holding Sniper on his shoulders, or why they, and several hundred Spycrabs were in the sewers and stalking a unicorn, but he didn't care. Sniper had agreed that Demopan would initiate first contact with all of the horses, so he was fine with it. If only the Spycrabs would stop agreeing with each other agreeing with each other.

"But of course. Ohohohoho."

"Yes. Ohohohoho."

"Excellent. Ohohohoho."

"Fatso back home would be lovin' this." Sniper chuckled as he buttered some bread.

"You bet." Engineer replied. He had taken his glove off, so as not to get blood in his food, but his Gunslinger had racked up a good few thousand kills, so there'd be blood in it anyway. Not as much as there would be if he'd have kept his glove on. "Hey, where'd that Twilight horsey go?"

"J-Just don't hurt me..." Twilight pleaded the machine. It was standing in a rather menacing manner, tapping its hands together above its head as it squatted and scuttled slowly around the room, staring at nothing. It had, strangely enough, a robotic Griffonian accent, even though the creator had to have been human. So how did they know about Griffonia?

"This will be the last time you see me. Ohohohoho." replied the machine. It was walking with clear purpose around the room, scanning the machines for Intel.

"Well...c-can I go upstairs?" Twilight asked. The robot was now walking into a wall.

"But of course. Ohohohoho." Not taking any chances, Twilight ran upstairs to inform the Princess.

Dear Princess Celestia,

There is now a strange machine resembling the humans stalking aimlessly around my basement. It isn't doing anything, and last time I saw it was walking into a wall, so it shouldn't be a threat for your visit tomorrow. But the humans don't know about it, and I'm unsure how they'll respond to each other, so I shall keep you updated.

Twilight Sparkle.

(P.S: I have named this new creature the 'Crab-bot', since he resembles a crab.)

Camper-pan

The next morning, Twilight awoke to a beautiful smell drifting upstairs from the kitchen. The sun was shining its golden rays through the shutters, and she smiled. Opening her eyes, she realised that the flute music she had been hearing was actually the Crab-Bot. Jumping quickly back, and inhaling sharply, Twilight clutched her blankets to her chest. The robot had managed to defeat his mighty nemesis, the door, after using the brilliant tactic of intimidating it by tapping and 'ohohohoho'ing. Luckily for the wooden door, the two people came and opened it, so the Spycrab had yet to eliminate the enemy for good.

"Erm..." Twilight groaned, allowing her breathing to get to normal. "Good morning?"

"Hello. Ohohohoho." replied the robot. There was a moment of silence, the robot staring rather awkwardly at the Princess, expecting her to do something. Finally, Twilight looked to the staircase, and remembered the smell of food. Slowly, she exited the bed.

"Um...I'll get my breakfast now?" she cautiously said.

"Ohohohoho."

"Riiiight...I'll be off."

"But of course. Ohohohoho." Twilight began to walk down the stairs, and left the Crab-Bot with Spike. He could handle it: it was possibly the most harmless creature on Equis, from what she could tell.

"Makin' baco-erm, toast." Engineer cheered. His Gunslinger was clamped over the gas hob, slowly rotating so the bread grasped within went a golden brown. "Dag nabbit, I miss bacon already."

"Yeah." Sniper replied. "An' I'm runnin' outta cigarettes." Sniper was dicing tomatoes with his kukri, a skill he picked up from years of dicing Buffalo eyeballs for his survival soup. The blade cut through the...vegefruit with ease, the small slices dropping into his trusty frying pan on the other hob. Twilight smiled at the sight of two creatures doing the cooking for her, and stood in the kitchen doorway.

"Sooo..." she giggled. "Feeling like chefs today, hmm?"

"Nah." Sniper replied. "It's polite to do things for your host. We didn't know what ya liked, so we made fried tomatoes on toast." A plate was rather quickly pushed in front of her, with a rather tasty looking grilled sandwich. However, instead of the usual thin lines on her toast, there seemed to be an imprint of one of the human's hands. Slightly confused, but smiling, she looked at Engineer, who raised his metal right hand and waved with a grin. "Enjoy it, Shiela, I diced the tomatoes with my knife." Sniper said. "And yes I washed it."

Twilight released a breath she didn't realise she had been holding, nodded to the pair, and sat down at the table. She gave the sandwich a bite. Ooooh, this is lovely. she thought. I could get used to this. Just then, there was a knock at the door.

"Come in!" called Twilight, before taking another mouthful. The door creaked open, and 20 hooves were heard, with four bouncing. Immediately, she knew who it was.

"Howdy, Twilight." Applejack beamed. "We came to check up on ya, what with these nasty humans walkin' around."

"They're not nasty." Twilight replied. All the girls gasped, except 4 were drowned out by one.

"WHAT?" came the group reply.

"Yeah, they're OK." Twilight repeated. "They made me this sandwich, and it's a nice toasted diced tomato sandwich."

"Yeah?" Rainbow Dash cut in, glaring daggers at Sniper, who was idly crunching an apple and twirling his kukri between his fingers. "Well, I don't trust 'em. All they've done is demand things, and treat you like dirt! You're a PRINCESS, for crying out loud!"

"Oi, Shiela, we're not untrustworthy!" Sniper said from the kitchen. "Only Spies are untrustworthy, and we ain't those backstabbin' Frenchies."

"You shut your mouth, mister!" Rainbow shot back. "When I'm around, you speak when spoken to!"

"Y'all remind me o' Soldier when he's pissy 'bout somethin'." Engineer grinned from the kitchen, moving his hands for emphasis.

"You too, toymaker!"

"Woooo-ee. Would ya look at that. Spittin' image o' Ol' Tin Hat." Just then, before the argument could become more intense, there was a familiar noise. Taptap. Chugging. All the girls except Twilight braced up, and began to shake.

"Twilight, what is that?" Applejack trembled. The new creature had come down the stairs, and stared at them with blue eyes, and it seemed to be wearing a metal recreation of a suit. Most eccentric, though, was the fact it mimicked a crab's stance, arms poised above it's head.

"Crab-Bot." Twilight replied casually, biting her sandwich and melting slightly at the taste.

"Actually, that there is a Spycrab." Engineer corrected, now next to the group with his hands on his hips. "They're endangered, and pretty much as much use as a box of rocks." Just before Pinkie Pie could begin verse 62, line 12, Twilight interuppted.

"So, it's not a Crab-Bot?" she asked, watching the machine as it approached the group.

"Nah." Sniper replied, dismissing her with a wave of his hand. "Spycrab. Bloody useless, but endangered. More likeable than Pootis Birds, though. Those wankers 'ave a bloody mean right hook."

"Pootis Bird?"

"We'll explain later. But all y'all need to know is that these are harmless, unless they have a knife or gun. Then ya run."

"So, $200 fuels each of these for a day?"

"That is correct."

"Wow, that's good. Might I ask, ahem, Grey Man, why might I not see your identity?"

"Who I am is no concern to you, ahem, Announcer, but what my price is should be your concern instead."

"Of course, of course...so $15000 each? Seems steep."

"If you are to fool your mercenaries on the RED team, you will almost certainly require the Bolted-Sniper and Mecha-Engineer Mk.II. If not, then allow them to boycott your commands, and eventually quit. So what'll it be, Helen?"

"What? Ho-how do you know-"

"I know all, Helen. All about the mercenaries, Mann Co. and its products, and most importantly, you. So: will you buy?"

"Hmmph. Very well. I expect them to arrive by tomorrow, lest I cancel the deal and send Mrs Pauling to your location."

"I can make them arrive within the hour, and I doubt you'll be finding me any time soon, especially when your GPS systems are down."

"What...the-WHAT?! Miss Pauling, get technical on the line! NOW! NO-"

"Stand up straight." Rarity ordered Sniper. "It'll bring out the cleanliness in your hat, darling."

"I've said before, Shiela," groaned the Australian, "I don't want my hat clea-"

"What did we say about that...word?"

"Don't bloody say it." growled Sniper. Engineer was waiting outside the 'boutique', so thankfully he wasn't being embarassed in front of his mate. Twilight had given them the orders to go and prepare for the visit of the Princesses, so they had to go and check on food, decorations, music, and weather. The lavender mare seemed to be having memories of it, so the two humans left her in her little trance-like state.

"I know what you said I can and can't say, Madam," spat Sniper, "But everything I carry with me, my speakin' and clothes included, are the few bits of my life I 'ave left. The blood and bear claw marks on this hat are me memories of my life before I had to start shootin' wankers through the head, so I respectfully say no to yer bloody washing."

"Well, the blood isn't very good for first impressions, darling." Rarity whined. "And I had a beautiful feather to go with your shirt..."

"I've put Tiger Shark teeth in my hat, but they clashed with the bleedin' crocodile teeth already on it, darling." Sniper growled, glaring down at the mare as she went through the box of feathers, diamonds, and what looked like knives, but turned out to be eccentrically shaped ribbons. "Plus, me an' Engi have to check on the other preparations for your 'Princesses' and their visit." Rarity sighed loudly, and turned.

"Very well, dear," she groaned, glaring back at him, "But you can't blame me for trying to make you look good." Her words fell on deaf ears, as the door slammed violently when the Australian stalked off. "How rude..." she muttered, as she began to tidy the mess she had made. "I hope he's banished by the Princess for being so un-gentlemanly."

"Sniper?" Engineer asked as the pair began to walk down the country road.

"Yeah?" replied the Australian.

"You think we're gonna ever get home? Y'know, back t' Teufort?"

"I can only bloody 'ope." sighed Sniper. "Anyway, what do ya think that Spycrab's doin' in bloody Ponyland?"

"Ah dunno, that's what I'm worried about. And the fact he's a darned robot? Strange, real strange, pardner. Y'all think there's more?"

"Maybe. Maybe there's even a robot of the entire team. I 'ope mine's bloody brilliant, and a real man."

"Huh. Maybe."

"Demopan!" yelled Demo-Bot, as he smashed down Rarity's back door. (Heh.) The 'drunk', 'scottish', 'normal' robot began to ransack the building, leaving the albaster unicorn no time to react.

"MONSTEEEEEEEER!" she screamed, cowering on a box. Demopan did not relent on battering the white horse; sickening cracks and screaming filled the room as Demopan gave no remorse with his mighty pan of frying. Once he was done with the mannequin, he turned his attention to Rarity. Just before he could begin interrogating her, something caught his optical sensor.

It was a red military styled Stako, golden trim glinting in the light.

OBVIOUS JOKE IN THREE. TWO. ONE.

"Stout Shako, for two refined." Demopan declared proudly, pointing at the hat. Rarity froze.

"Y-You...want the-the hat?" she stuttered, slowly climbing down from the ceiling. "For...what?"

"Two refined." repeated the robot. Before she could ask, it pulled 2 piles of gleaming silver metals from a hidden compartment in his posterior, before offering them to her.

Rarity drooled slightly: those parts would be the perfect addition to the new watch she was making for a Noble in Canterlot. Immediately, she nodded, and gave the machine the hat via leviatation. In return, the machine gave the parts to the unicorn, and put a thumb up. "Thanks mate!" laughed the robot.

"Erm...certainly." smiled Rarity. Though he had wrecked her shop, that could easily be fixed with a simple repair spell. But now she also had some more materials to make the watch with, and she now knew there were more machines running about Ponyville and possibly Equestria, she had info for her good friend Twilight. Before she could ask anything else, there was a loud clanking and clattering outside.

"What on Equis...?" she murmured, trotting to the window and peering outside. To her surprise, there were many, many Spycrabs, if she remembered the name, with two robots in front. One was the 'Shako-Bot', and the other seemed to be a metal replica of a certain grumpy human with no manners. She facehoofed. Almost as if on cue at seeing her facehoof, the Spycrabs all made the regular 'ohohohoho' sound, and approached the shop.

Breaking the door down in the process, the Sniper-Robot clanked inside, and stopped in front of her with what seemed to be a rifle.

"G'day!" he cheerily waved, before appearing to relax and wander around the shop, staring at hats in particular. Most specifically, he seemed to like looking at the Austallion slouches, just like Sniper. Finally, the robot stood, walked to the door, and shouted. "YEAH."

"OHOHOHOHO" replied the Spycrabs, as all of them scuttled inside.

"Ugh...this should be quite fun..." Rarity sighed, before moving behind the counter.

Camper-Blam

"So," Sniper asked as the pair walked down the forested path, trees only being a slight taller than them, as well sparsely populated. "Who was it we're seein' about the...ah...music, was it?"
"Yeah, it's music." Engi replied, "I think Lil' Miss Musical's name was somethin' like Butterfry? Cutterdry? Fluttershy? That's it, Fluttershy."
"Bloody fruit names in this place..." Sniper grumbled. "We'll just need to get this done quick: I'd prefer to have some free time before their 'Princess' arrives."
"That's another thing Twilight mentioned while y'all were fillin' some Jarate. This pony's easily frightened."
"Bah! I'm good with animals, I spent 20 bloody years gutting the damn things after earning their trust. This'll be easy." Sniper scoffed, dismissing his friend with a wave of his hand. I'm bloody brilliant with animal wankers; like deer and buffalo. And alligators. Just before Engineer could call Sniper's error, there was the sound of singing. It was coming from up ahead, just outside a small cottage. However, the singer(s) were out of sight.
"Huh." Engineer muttered, stopping just at the entrance to the bridge that crossed a small stream. "Y'all hear that singin'?"
"Yeah." Sniper groaned. "I hate singing. Let's just get this over and bloody done with." Rather promptly, and rudely, I might add, the Australian pushed Engineer out of the way and strode over the bridge, before leaping the fence. Engineer facepalmed.
"Guess he don't like it here." he sighed, before trudging after his friend. Instead of leaping the fence, engineer simply knocked on the garden gate like a normal person. After a few seconds, there was a loud clank, and the now broken padlock was flung over. It landed in Engineer's hand, and he set his gaze upon it.
"Well, I'll be." he chuckled. The lock now bore a large cut through the centre, allowing him to freely spin both halves of it. As he ran his left forefinger down the laceration. "That's a damn clean cut."

"Umm...it's open?" squeaked a quiet female voice. Following the command, Engineer raised his hand and slowly pushed the wooden door agape, and the sight that greeted him surprised the Texan to an endless extent.

"Well..." Spy began, giving the new campers a cautious eye. "These definitely aren't human."
"Da." Heavy shot back. "Is Engineer and Sniper. Both are back on RED team, to help us crush baby BLU team."
"Mmph." Pyro agreed. "Mmph mm-mmpr mmrmh rmm-mmrs."
"What he said." Scout nodded. "Lemme try somethin'." The Bostonian stepped forward, and approached the rather metallic new Engineer. He looked suspiciously mechanical, but robots didn't exist so it was fine. The Engineer looked at the teenager with burning red eyes. "Need a dispenser here."
"Heck yeah!" replied the ~~machine~~ Engineer, raising his thumb, before looking at his left wrist. Finally, ~~it~~ he pressed a button, causing a red toolbox to appear instantaneously into his hands. Finally, he threw it on the floor rather violently, and the toolbox performed the usual ritual of going from cereal box to vending machine. The Engineer promptly began laughing, before deciding it was time for line dancing.
"See?" Demoman grinned at Spy. "Both o' these laddies are the original ones. Nothin' wrong here, mate." Spy simply facepalmed and turned to Soldier.
"Soldier, are these two robots?" asked the Frenchman. However, he didn't even want an answer when he saw that Soldier was wearing a cardboard box on his head, washing machine piping on his arms, shoeboxes on his feet, and holding a frying pan.
"I AM A ROBOT. I AM PROGRAMMED TO TAKE AMERICAN JOBS. BEEP. BOOP."

"Stupid question." Spy facepalmed. "Anyway, I don't trust these two. But as long as they can capture a point and kill a Heavy, I am amused. Now that the moment has passed: back to work!"

"Engi!" Sniper grinned. "I have an owl on my shoulder, an eagle on my arm, and a parrot on my hat."
"Well," Engineer laughed. "Y'all really have a way with birds." Just then, there was a small tugging on Engineer's trouser leg.
"Yes?" he said, looking down. Biting his trouser leg was a small vanilla mare with a pink mane. It was another Pegasus, so Engineer assumed it was 'Fluttershy'.
"Oh...um...sorry for biting your leg." squeaked Fluttershy. "I was wondering if it was alright that you didn't break my gate?"
"Sorry 'bout that, missy." Engi replied with a tip of his hard-hat. "He's used to doin' things like that to kill Spys. Are y'all Fluttershy?"
"Y-yes?"
"Good. Your friend Twilight Sparkle sent us to check around on the preparations for your Princess' visit. Y'all're in charge o' the music?"
"Why yes! My birds have been practising very hard, so your arrival is giving them a little break."
"Well, they sure do like Sniper." Engineer laughed. He was right: the Australian had a small owl perched on his shoulder with a protective look in its eyes, a large eagle was sat on his wrist gazing patriotically at the ~~American~~ sun, and a bright green parrot had decided to sit on his hat, looking quite proud of itself. The rest of the birds were happily chirping away at Sniper, as a greeting.
"Yeah." Sniper grinned. "I like this owl. He looks pissed at things, like me."
"That's Owlowisious*, I'm looking after him for Twilight. Once the visit is over he'll be back at the library, so he'll be happy to see you there." Fluttershy beamed. "The eagle's name is Patriot, and the parrot is called Highlander. I wonder why they like you so much..."
"Well, I used to care for animals before I became a Sniper." Sniper lied, stroking the breast feathers of Owlowisious.. "Maybe it's still there."
"Maybe." Fluttershy murmured. "Well, I hope you don't mind if we keep practising? You do have more things to see, don't you?"
"Yeah. Princess arrives at 3:00, it's 1:34 now." Sniper added. "Still got weather and food to see. We goin' to a weather station to look at weather? I don't understand that bit."
"No, you just have to go and see Rainbow Dash. She came by earlier to ask if I'd seen you two do anything suspicious, and I said no. I don't think she trusts you two."
"No problem: I already bloody hate her." Sniper scoffed.
"Ditto." Engineer nodded.
"Well...ok. I'd better get back to teaching my birds. You two get going, if you don't mind."
"OK, Shiela." Sniper smirked. He put the birds back on their branch, with much resistance, and leapt the fence. Again, Engineer sighed and walked through the gate.

"Hey, Miss Fluttershy? Y'all come by to the library sometime, I can fix you up a new lock if y'all want." Engineer called. Fluttershy smiled and nodded. If Engineer's heart hadn't been replaced with some crazy contraption by Medic, it would have blown up at the mare's face she pulled.

"Y'all're kiddin' me with this now, right?"
"Nah, I see it too, mate. Bit of an over-reaction to us, though."
Directly ahead of the pair, spanning the entire street, was a road-block. Hundreds of pegasi, all part of the colour spectrum, had moved crates, makeshift barriers, market stands, and anything else they could find into one line, and even a few armoured ponies had joined in. The latter of those were presumably part of some military, and were also armed.
However, stood at the front there was one white and blue unicorn, wearing what could only be assumed as a Commanders' Armour set. He was bearing a more serious expression than the other guards and ponies, and glaring right at the two humans.
"Now ain't that cute." Engineer chuckled. "They called in the darned military."
"Military? It's not really an army, mate. More...armoured column, or whatever Tin Hat called 'em." corrected Sniper. "But we still need t' get to...the Apple Farm. Let's call it that, I forgot the name."
"Alrighty then. Let's go forward and talk t' these dummies."
The pair began to walk forward, causing all of the ponies on the barricade to become shifty.
"Here they come!" one guard shouted. "Defend Ponyville!" Engineer groaned at their stupidity, raised a hand to his mouth, and called over.
"Y'all're dumber than a box a' rocks, aint'cha?" shouted the Texan. "We ain't here t' do no harm: we're preparing for a visit from your Princess."
"On whose orders?" boomed the white and blue stallion.
"Yeah, whose?" yelled another pony.
"Whoa, whoa, back up a sec." Sniper cut in. "Why the hell are ya tryin' t' bloody stop us?"
"That's for the Equestrian public to know, and for you beasts to never find out." replied the guard, rather patriotically. Engineer just stared at him in confusion, and the pair of humans approached the barricade. The pony in charge raised a hoof, as several spears were aimed at the pair. "By the order of the Princesses, HALT!"
"By my bloody arse, I'm orderin' you t' piss off, big'ead!" Sniper yelled back.
"Final warning: HALT!"
"Y'all done incurred mah wrath, son!" Engineer shouted angrily, whipping out his PDA in one hand and Wrangler in the other. "Sentry goin' up!"

Author's Note

*Like I know how to spell that. Shut the hell up.

Camper-Pow

Everypony on the barricade stared in bemusement at the small cylinder unfolding from the toolbox that the stout beast had thrown on the floor. It was red in colour, much like the clothing of the beasts, and metal framework seemed to be the important pieces in the transformation. The humans both had angered expressions on their faces, though it was impossible to know if they were charging their incredibly destructive laser eyes due to their eyewear.

"Stand firm, everypony." Shining Armor said sternly, the stoic expression and gaze he donned not leaving his face. "Get ready for whatever they throw. Civilians, get behind cover. Guards, defensive skyblade formation." The armoured ponies nodded, and began to hold their spears in a serrated manner, before bunching together in front of the barricade to form a near impenetrable barrier. Meanwhile, the non-military ponies had dived behind the wooden crates, pallets, and market stalls that formed the blockade.

"Y'all have ten seconds to let us through." yelled the stout human. He was holding some form of joystick in his claw, in the other he was slipping a small device away. "If ya don't, y'all get t' meet mah cute little gun."

"We shall not allow beasts to terrorize this innocent village!" shouted Shining Armor. "The Princesses are due a visit, and it definitely doesn't mean we're letting our guard down. Surrender your weapons!"

"Nope."

"Final warning!"

"Ya said that a few minutes ago, mate." grinned the taller human.

"You too! Surrender your we-"

Shining was cut off by quick digital chirp followed by a rapid, loud, banging sound. Wood splinters flew outwards as ponies screamed in terror and dived for cover from the barrage. Quickly, the white stallion leapt behind a nearby crate, next to a cyan mare he recognised as one of the bridesmaids at his wedding.

"See!" she shouted, "I told you these were dangerous!"

Ignoring her, Shining peered out from behind the box and at the humans. Both were standing, the stout one with a growling expression as the taller of the pair had a rather indifferent look across his face, possibly even a glare. Finally, the taller one clenched it's claws and raised the thumb.

"Fine shot, mate." he said to his partner.

"Much obliged." replied the other, before turning his attention to the barricade. "I told y'all t' move, pardner." he shouted over. The joystick device was still held firmly in its claws, except one arm had been crossed over its chest. Shining was enraged. They attacked the innocent? His sister's hometown? The hometown of a Princess, on the day of a Royal Visit? That was the final straw.

"Guards, return fire!" he shouted. There was, of course, no reply. Frowning, and looking at his squad, he could see that at least two of them had fainted, 4 more had began holding each other for dear life, and 1 incredibly unlucky guard he recognised as Lightning Rod had a neat outline of holes drawn around him against the wall. Said guard passed out after a few seconds. "Return fire, that's an order!" Shining yelled again. Again, there was no reply, except several terrified looks. Facehoofing, he sat down behind the box again, and resisted every urge to just burst into tears.

"Well, don't that beat all." Engineer smirked. "I love that lil' gun."

"Same." Sniper grinned. "Bloody brilliant. Hope it can get us through the barricade. That didn't persuade those wankers, we give 'em ungodful." It was, however, unlikely that anything that was accidentally hit it the salvo would let them though by choice: as the Administrator had used blackmail to her advantage when the Director came around, it was time to see how much fun it really was to use.

"Well," Engineer yelled over. "Y'all gonna let us through? We gotta prepare for the Princesses...es...yeah." Just a few seconds later, a purple aura surrounded a few boxes, and said boxes began to shift around on the floor. After a few seconds, the boxes began to float upwards and on top of the other crates nearby. By the time it was done, there seemed to be an alleyway leading though the barricade.

"Y-Yes!" stammered the same unicorn from a few moments ago. "J-Just go th-through! L-Leave us b-be!" Sniper grinned at the last comment. Leave you be? I can guarantee I'll be goin' back to Teufort with a Unicorn horn knife and Pegasus tooth hat ornament.

"Well, let's go." Sniper muttered, trudging forwards towards the alleyway. It wasn't too far, only about 30 metres, but the maximum effective range of a sentry is roughly 20 metres. It was lucky that Engi had brought the Wrangler with him, and had blown several days in total by playing with the thing, otherwise the pair never would have made it through.

Sniper didn't say a word as he went through the small gap, only tipping his hat to a few mares who were frozen in bewilderment. Engineer spent only a second longer, as he had to pick his sentry up in case a few innocent ponies were killed in a hailstorm of lead. However, as the Texan passed through the breach, he turned to where the white stallion was and looked. He was small, but larger than the other ponies nearby. White furred and blue-maned, with eyes that had shrank so small they were mere pinpricks, he seemed like th sort of thing you'd see if you were in Broadmoor.

"Much obliged, Tex." Engineer chuckled. The moment the first syllable left his lips, the white stallion shrank even further into a ball. Laughing, Engineer turned and ran after his partner with toolbox in his grip.

"Hats. Ohohohoho."

"But of course. Ohohohoho."

"Demopan?"

"Non. Ohohohoho."

"Piss off, bighead."

"I'm afraid not. Ohohohoho."

"It seems I am not the only Spycrab. Ohohohoho."

"I'm afraid not. Ohohohoho."

"Erm..." Twilight began. The library had been in absolute chaos since Rarity had brought the army of robots with her. Large clusters of 'Spycrabs' were dotted around the room, most wearing some form of headwear and walking in aimless circles. The two other robots, however, were...different. One seemed to be a mechanical recreation of Sniper, hat, rifle, everything. The other, however, represented...the struggle...to...um...be understood when wearing shutter glasses, a fake afro, and holding a frying pan. Yes.

"Yeah." replied the Sniper-bot rather quickly. In an instant, it was leaning over within inches of her face, looking her up and down with small movements. Reeling back, Twilight sighed, and turned to the robot.

"Would it...be okay for you to answer some questions for me please?" she asked.

"OK, mate." replied the machine. Twilight smiled. This is easier than I thought.

"Thank you. First: who's the other robot?"

"Demopan?" cut in the robot from the other side of library. It stopped flipping a still sleeping Spike in it's pan, and ran over to the alicorn. Twilight nodded cautiously, and wrote in her notebook using levitation.

"OK, thank you. Next: where are you from?"

"-ERROR. FILE NOT FOUND.-" shouted the Sniper.

"...right, no comment. Next question..."

"OHOHOHOHO." added a Spycrab. It seemed to be walking into the front door, and was banging against it with its face.

"What's wrong? Is somepony outside?" Twilight asked. The lavender alicorn stood up, trotted to the door, and opened it with a hoof. On the other side, she was greeted by the unenthusiastic face of Princess Luna.

"Hello, Princess." Luna sighed. "We hear you have found some creatures?"

Author's Note

Short chapter this time, probably going to make longer ones soon.

Camper-Wham

"Oh." Twilight swallowed hard. "H-Hello Princess Luna. D-Didn't expect you here." The night princess before her simply rolled her eyes and chuckled lightly.

"Of course you were, you did send the letter after all." Luna replied, stepping through the door and into the room of carnage. Luna's slight smile dropped, and her face immediately changed to that of one that clearly portrayed her lack of things to say in reply to the situation. "Oh. Now I see what you meant by 'strange' creatures."

Strange mechanical bipeds were all around the room, performing rather unusual rituals. Several seemed to be walking into walls, knocking everything over in the process, others were simply stood in groups and replying to each other replying to each other, each sentence ending in 'ohohohoho',and finally there were two of the creatures staring idly around, and occasionally saying things that made no sense. Luna sighed deeply, and facehoofed.

"Unusual, aren't they?" Twilight casually sighed, standing beside her fellow monarch. "As far as I know, these are all of the ones nearby."

"How many?" Luna asked, not removing her hoof from her face.

"At last count..." Twilight replied, before looking into her head to remember the exact number. "...there's 318 here, with the two different creatures included."

"Different? You are referring to that pair over there, yes?" Luna asked, removing her hoof and pointing at the Sniper-Bot and Demopan. Cheerfully, Sniper waved over, and shouted 'g'day, Shiela!' over the sound of Spycrabs. Luna cautiously waved back, before turning to Twilight. "These things can speak our language?"

"Yes. And to answer the question before that, no. There should be two more wandering Ponyville. I'm trusting them not to eat anypony. They're flesh and bone, however, so they do eat food. Meats included." Twilight replied. Princess Luna inhaled sharply. Twilight rolled her eyes. "And yes, I have the utmost trust that they will not attempt to eat anypony. After all, there's nowhere else in Equestria where they'd accept them as residents, or guests for that matter."

"But...surely they would just sneak around?" Luna murmured. "No, that wouldn't be possible. After all, I see all in night, my sister in day." Twilight suddenly realised something at that point, her ears pricking up as she glanced around.

"Princess?"

"Yes, Twilight?"

"Where's Celestia, if you don't mind me asking?"

Now it was Luna's turn to realise something. Glancing about the room, she realised that Twilight was right; her sister was nowhere to be seen. If she was in the room, it would be easily detected through the flowing mane clashing with cold blue metal. Luna turned back to Twilight.

"I...don't know?" she shrugged. Suddenly, as if on cue, there was a knock at the door, which did nothing to silence the Spycrabs. Nothing silences the Spycrabs. "Go answer, Twilight. I'll try to find Celestia." Luna said. Twilight nodded, grasped the door handle in her magic, pulled it open, and...

"Hello, Twilight!" Celestia greeted warmly. As usual, the white goddess of light had her spectral mane flowing freely in a breeze invisible to all, with the golden crown sat atop and golden necklace at the base of her slender neck. Not like usual, however, was the Spycrab she riding on her back. "I have a new pet." Celestia beamed.

Twilight was speechless, with Luna as her competitor in the jaw-dropping contest. "Get on the pony you imbecile! Ohohohoho." the Spycrab chortled, tapping his hands in a crab-like manner. "Oh, pony, who could they ever find to replace you? And my amusement? Ohohohoho."

"Princess Celestia?" Twilight gasped, "Where did you find that Spycrab?" Celestia raised a brow, and looked at the metal creature on her back as she trotted into the library. Her eyes went wide as she saw the other Spycrabs.

"Never mind where I found this 'Spycrab', which was wandering through my bedchambers in the middle of the night," Celestia gasped, levitating the Spycrab from her back and onto the floor, where it promptly ran into a wall. "Where did you find all these 'Spycrabs'?"

"Well, Princess," Twilight began. Luna listened too, since she hadn't heard this story either. "The Spycrab over there, the one walking into a wall by the basement staircase, was in the basement, hidden from the two 'humans'. When they left, the Spycrab...wandered out, before turning out to be no threat at all. So I went to bed, and woke up to see that the Spycrab had opened the door, and stood beside my bed for the whole night."

"That's nice of him." Celestia murmured.

"Well, I went downstairs, and had a lovely sandwich courtesy of the humans' cooking. Then, from what Rarity tells me, the robot over there with the afro ran into her shop, smashed random things using a frying pan, before trading some high-quality metal for a 'Shako', as he called it."

"Stout Shako, for two refined." shouted Demopan from over the room, before turning back to flipping Spike over with his frying pan. Spike was indifferent. All three Princesses looked at the robot, before turning back to Twilight.

"Yeah...that." nodded Twilight, slowly nodding in confused agreement. "Well anyway, the tall robot ran in after she'd picked the store back together, looked at the hats, before shouting 'yeah' at these Spycrabs, and sent them all inside to buy-"

"HATS. OHOHOHOHO." said all the Spycrabs simultaneously. The crowns on Celestia and Luna's heads were shifted by the force of the soundwave, and Twilight's mane was dishevelled into the style it goes into when she has a breakdown. The shocked expressions on each of their faces were enough to cause Demopan to put Spike back into bed, before hitting himself with his frying pan for no reason.

"Ok, mate." Sniper-bot said, putting a thumb up to his companion, whose afro now had a flat portion. Then, as if it were programmed to do so, it popped right back into its usual position. Celestia just threw her head back and laughed, not even bothering to right her crown.

"Why, that's ridiculous!" she snorted in a rather unladylike, not to mention unprincesslike, manner. "The few that have been wandering the castle for the whole morning haven't done anything of this magnitude of...chaotic proportions. Not even the box-carrying ones have done anything this random."

"Box-carrying ones?" Twilight asked, conjuring up a comb to sort her mane. "I thought there were only 318, all here?"

"No, Twilight, there are more roaming the palace." Celestia replied calmly. Even Luna was surprised.

"But sister, I though that-"

"No, you had gone to sleep by the time they started popping up." Celestia groaned, looking at her younger sister. "And how could you possibly have slept when that...metal chariot went rumbling by your chambers?"

"Metal wagon?" Twilight panicked. She was still discerning no information.

"Then there was the whole group of them running around blowing trumpets..."

"Trumpets?!"

Celestia ignored her, instead pointing to Sniper-bot. "And then the duplicates of the one over there ran around, throwing around...ugh, I-I won't talk about it."

Luna gasped in realisation, smiling. "Oh, so that's why I didn't feel like sitting near you in the chariot." she giggled. Twilight growled in frustration, went over to Sniper-bot, and grabbed him by the scruff of his metallic collar.

"G'day!" shouted the robot, clearly lacking the dictionary to argue against it. "Snipin's a good job, mate!" Ignoring his, uh, rant, the purple alicorn dragged him over to the Princesses, deep in sisterly love.

"Luna, I took a shower!" Celestia said firmly, rolling her eyes and stomping a hoof in a diva-like fashion.

Luna, meanwhile, was giggling her little blue head off. "Yes, but I can still smell the pi-"

"Here." Twilight sighed, dropping Sniper-bot in front of Celestia. As he usually does wherever his friend goes, Demopan ran over, and stood in a ready position with pan raised.

"Demopan?" he asked, looking down at Sniper.

"Ok, mate." Sniper replied, getting up and looking at Celestia.

"Ummm...hello?" Celestia stuttered. The robot was her size, but slightly smaller. Even then, with what looked like a slender flintlock rifle in its claw, it was rather intimidating. All of a sudden, it pushed itself into her face, and put a thumb up.

"Ok, mate." it said rather randomly.

"Do you mind if we ask you questions?"

"Nah."

"Princess, I've already tried this." Twilight groaned. Celestia put a hoof up to silence her and began.

"Very good. Now, answer these questions, and I shall see to it that you receive all the hats you want. Deal?" Celestia asked the robot.

"Yeah." Sniper-bot replied, his hat-obtaining systems overtaking every other system in his circuitry. Celestia smiled. She knew she had won. This battle, at least.

"Dagnabbit, we were too late." Engineer growled, kicking some dirt upon seeing the landed chariot. In front there were two armoured ponies, seemingly oblivious to everything that wasn't the pair of humans. The stallions were gawking at the two bipeds as though there were only two of them in existence. Sniper gave them his true-to-meaning death glare, and they quickly looked away, terrified of the prospect of having an Australian bushman gutting them with a machete.

"Ahhh, piss." grunted Sniper, before he trudged over to the side of the chariot and looked down. The guards didn't saying anything, mainly out of fear due to the wooden hilt of a knife they could see. "Wherever these bloody Princesses went, I'm gonna find some bloody tracks. No animal I target ever escapes Mr Mundy*." Promptly, the tall bushman crouched down, and ran his finger through the dust on the floor. Just before he raised his fingers, he found what he was looking for; a circular indent on the floor, with what appeared to be a crest marking. Sniper smiled, and stood. "Gotcha, pikeys."

"Got 'em?" Engineer asked, arms still holding the toolkit as he looked to his friend. Sniper nodded, and gestured to the library. "Nice work, pardner." Smiling, Engineer held the toolkit by its handle, like a normal person, and began to move to the tree-styled building alongside his tall, long-ranged friend.

"BEEP. BOOP." growled a voice from the back of the library. Celestia, Luna, and Twilight all stood, knocking Sniper-bot from his chair, and charged powerful beam spells from their horns. All had the same look of a surprised animal turned hostile in their eyes, with Luna's glare going so far as to cause Demopan to hit himself in the head again, as usual for no reason.

"Who's there?" Celestia called. "Identify, for before you stand the three rulers of Equestria!"

"I AM A ROBOT." replied the voice, before the door handle to the basement began to creak open. Slowly, the image of another robot came into view. This one was wearing a cardboard box on its head, a blue shirt with two ball-shaped objects on it, shoeboxes on its feet, and what seemed to be washing machine pipes on its arms. The box had an upside-down coat hanger in the top, two red plastic cups for eyes, and a hole cut out for a mouth. Inside the mouth, another mouth could be seen, of the same type as Sniper and Engineer, Twilight noted. "I AM PROGRAMMED TO TAKE AMERICAN JOBS."

All three Princesses lowered guard, incredibly confused as to what was actually going on. Before anypony could ask, steps were heard going down the stairs. Then several more. And more. Soon, there was a whole trampling of feet coming down the stairs, each accompanied by a similar figure to the one that came from the basement.

After about five minutes of this happening, the library was filled with these new robots, each clutching either a gardening tool, mining tool, or kitchen appliance. Finally, silence fell when the room was literally filled to the brim with them, the princesses all pressed together in a manner many youthful stallions would think to be the start of the greatest pornographic video ever. Silence reigned for a moment.

"I AM A ROBOT. OH NO."

"OH NO. BEEP BOOP."

"BEEP."

"BOOP BEEP. I AM PROGRAMMED TO TAKE AMERICAN JOBS. OH NO."

"OH. BEEP. BOOP. NO. JOBS."

"MONEY. SENATOR REAGAN. BEEP BOOP. MAGGOTS."

Twilight, Celestia, and Luna began a telepathic conversation, one perk of being a Princess.

What's going on?

Not even worth asking sister. All I know is that these just-

Came out of nowhere?

Yes, that. And that there's one putting its shovel in...a rather comfortable place.

Shush, sister, too much information. Now how do we get rid of these?

If I could find a spellbook that had some info, I could try a spell from that. But then again, IF.

Hmm...Twilight, do you know any inter-dimensional spells?

Nnnnf...oooh, yes...that's what I call a massAAAAhhhhh...

Sister, I told you not to speak to that Round Flank when she came to the gala. She changed you, you know.

She is right, Celestia. There's one behind me with a pickaxe, and it's hitting AAALLLLLLL the right places...

Ugh, my most fai-umm, my fellow Princess, you too?

What? A mare needs a way to wind down. We can get rid of these robots later, maybe dump them in a hole somewhere?

Yes, yes, good ideaaAAAAAAHH! WOW! THAT FELT GOOD!

"BEEP. BOOP. I AM WET. WATER IS BAD FOR ROBOTS. BEEP. BOOP."

Celestia facehoofed, and teleported herself out of the library. Just as she appeared, she felt a large thing walk into her. Before she could get angry, some flat surfaces grabbed her back, helped her up, and dusted her off.

"Oh, why thank you sir." Celestia smiled, eyes closed. "You are a gentleman."

"Thanks, Shiela." replied a voice. Celestia opened her eyes, and almost fainted.

Author's Note

*Mr Mundy is his canon surname, besides Sniper. Read 'Meet the Director' for evidence.

Camper-Ram

"Gentlemen?" Spy coughed, walking into the Intelligence room with a limp body that was definitely not made of steel and electrics. The Scout, Soldier, and Heavy turned to look at the Frenchman, not even surprised at his intrusion as he stride forward. "I see the Intel is safe?"

"Da." Heavy replied, before pointing a huge finger at the corpse over Spy's shoulder. "Sniper is dead?"

"I'm afraid so." Spy replied, as he dumped the body on the table like normal. However, instead of a knife in the back of the dead Sniper, there was a small, rectangular object, with text on the top that read 'ELECTRO-SAPPER'. The Scout, Soldier, and Heavy gasped. Sniper had been a robot all along?

"Woah, whoa, back it up, ya spook." Scout cut in, grabbing the sapper and pulling it off the body. "You're sayin' that the frickin' Sniper's a robot?"

"No, no, you imbecile." Spy facepalmed. "What I'm saying is that BLU Spy is getting desperate for flashy kills." The other three men gasped in agreement, nodding.

"Y-ES." Soldier answered, bobbing his head up and down in the most militaristic manner he could. "The Spy is a maggot."

"Ahem...?" Spy coughed, tapping a foot and glaring at his comrade.

"YES. YOU ARE A MAGGOT." Soldier pointed a finger at Spy accusingly. "AND YOU ARE THE BLU SPY." Next, Soldier bashed the Frenchman in the face with his trusty shovel. Before anybody else, Russian or Bostonian, could intervene, it turned out Soldier was right; the RED suit faded away in a flash, instead changing to that of a navy blue. The facial expression of 'what are you accusing me of being a Spy for?' changed to that of 'ow I was just hit with a shovel and now I'm dead'. Scout and Heavy looked confused.

Heavy, being Heavy, spoke first. "How did Soldier know Spy was not our Spy?"

"Because he did not see that Sniper is a robot." Soldier replied stoically. "Balbo Biggins here has been Beepboop Scrappings for the whole time, and so has the Canadian!"

This time, Scout cut in, raising a hand. "Solly, Engie ain't Ca-"

"YOU ARE ALSO A SPY." Soldier shouted right in the teenager's face, closing the 5 meter distance between the two in a matter of miliseconds and smacking the Bostonian with his trusty shovel. However, nothing really happened this time besides Scout's neck spinning, snapping, and finally hanging limp from the teenager's body. The three men, and boy, stood staring at each other, unsure of what to do in such a situation where they had killed a Spy and Soldier was in Trolldier mode. The Bostonian's head was snapped the entire 180 degrees, and his face was that of sheer confusion.

"Didn't hurt." Scout said finally.

"Siiiiiiiister..." came a distant, echoing voice. "Wake uuuuuuuuuup..." Luna couldn't see anypony who might be in the darkness, or the usual aura that appears in her head whenever her sister is nearby, so her main assumption was that she was unconcious for some reason. Why would she end up unconcious? Those robot-pleasuring-tool-things seemed...friendly, enough. Did they hit her?

To find out, Luna slowly opened her eyes. The sliver of light in the centre slowly expanded in width as her mind began to pick up surroundings. In front, a Royal Medic leaned over her, face blurred by her still recovering eyes. Behind, the roof was one she recognised as Twilight's, and it was...stained with blood? Oh no. Was she nothing but a dismembered head? Did those creatures kill her body?

She tried moving her limbs, and after some struggling she lifted a hoof to her face. Good, those still worked. Smiling weakly, she sat up, and was greeted by the most horrific sight she had seen since that one battle all those years ago. The bodies of the creatures were now strewn all around the room, each bearing lacerations, holes, and stumps where entire limbs had been cut from their sockets. Several of them, in fact, had been killed with their own gardening tools. She noticed, however, the 'Demopan', 'Spycrabs', and 'Sniper' weren't lying in the carnage, so she had something to be pleased about. However, upon noticing the fleshy corpses again, Luna tried to keep the contents of her stomach firmly in place, and looked to the Medic tending to her.

"Princess, it's good to see you're alive." said the stallion. "From what we can gather, when those two beasts ran in and began to kill off these harmless creatures, you were inadvertently hit with some kind of construction tool. You had a skull fracture, which we promptly fixed with high-level magic, and nothing else. Your sister is here to speak with you, Princess." His job done, the colt stood up, retreated to a nearby corpse, and began to write notes on the inner workings. A light touch went to Luna's shoulder, and she looked to the source to find Celestia smiling warmly at her.

"Thank goodness you're alright, sister." Celestia sighed happily, leaning over to nuzzle her younger sister's smaller neck. "When those two creatures ran in, and accidentally hit you with a spanner, I thought you were gone."

"They hit me with a spanner?" Luna asked, rubbing her head after breaking the embrace. "Why would they do that?"

"I'm unsure myself." Celestia replied. "I know that at least one of them is rather gentlecoltly, and helped me up after accidentally knocking me onto my flanks, but I can't tell much about the other except that he wears a hard-hat. I had guards take them into custody, due to their unprovoked slaughter of these innocent creatures, so you may go outside and speak with them if you wish." Luna began to stagger to her hooves and put on her regalia.

"Thank you, Tia." she replied. "I will be having talks with the two of them. Long talks."

"Ah, piss." Sniper groaned for the 956th time since they'd been in the prison carriage. To his sides sat two heavily armed guards, and in a locked chest at the end of the carriage were his and Engineer's weapons. Thankfully, they hadn't found the dispenser in the basement of Twilight's house, so as long as that was there, there'd be no issue if the weapons ran out of ammunition when the ponies became curious of the 'long stick with the telescope'. However, in spite of all warnings, there was a pair of guards picking up the guns, even daring to pose with Engineer's Widowmaker.

"SILENCE, BRUTE." snarled one of the guards, pointing a spear into the Australian's face. "YOU ARE CHARGED WITH THE ATTEMPTED MURDER OF-"

"-The Princess of Night, her majesty Princess Luna." Sniper finished for him, resting his head in one of his hands. "Anythin' you bloody say's gonna be used against ya at your execution, with no chance of bloody bail. We've been through this 'undreds of times, mate. I get it." The guard glared at him for a few seconds more, before returning to his usual stoic expression.

"Y'all better not mess with my contraptions." Engineer warned one of the guards at the back. Said guard simply turned and smirked at the human.

"Yes?" laughed the trooper throatily. "And what can you do about it, beast? You're not so strong, now you've been stripped of your weapons!"

"Should we even call them that?" snorted the other soldier, levitating Sniper's SMG. "They could barely even scratch a trainee's leather tunic! Look at these: no enchantments, no blades, no crossbow mechanisms, nothing! These wouldn't hurt a fly!"

"Suit yourself." Engineer chuckled, placing his shackled hands behind his head. The guards either side of him tensed, but relaxed only slightly at the movement. "When y'all accidentally kill another fella, just know that it'd be damned painful fer that guy. I know: I've died before thousands o' times."

Before any of the guards could tell him to shut up, the door slammed open. Quickly, every soldier in the room stood and saluted, practically kicking the two humans so they would do the same. Of course, this caused Sniper and Engi the least amount of pain ever possible, and so they sat there, leaning forward to see who was at the door. Stood in the doorway, to Engineer's shock, stood a midnight blue mare, with a free flowing mist-like mane. She seemed to be wearing some form of royal jewellery, and had both wings and a horn. From these details, both assumed she was the sister of 'Princess Malaria' or whatever her ludicrously British name was. She had a curious stare, giving the impression that she was the least mature of the sisters.

"At ease." she said with a rather soothing voice. All guards in the carriage calmed immediately, and sat down. The Princess looked the two humans over, before turning to a nearby door guard. "I request a moment alone with these two. Guards, take your leave." Cautiously, and part confusedly, all guards in the room saluted and left, each giving a death glare to the humans. When the room was empty, she sighed.

"So," she began, pacing in front of the two. "Which of you two is willing to give the truth?"

"I was the one that smacked y'all in the head with my wrench." Engineer sighed sadly, looking down at his boots. "Sorry." Luna turned to Sniper. "And you?" she asked with an emotionless raise of the brow.

"Nothin'." Sniper grunted. "All I did was gut a few BLU Soldiers, and now you're arrestin' me best friend and me for doin' our bleedin' jobs. What's the bloody point, Shiela? What's the bloody point?" Luna was taken aback by his foul mouth.

"Can you stop using such expletives?" she asked rather frustratedly. "And what do you mean, 'doing your jobs'? That isn't a job: it's just murder!"

"Back where we're from, we're paid to kill those darned Soldiers." Engineer cut in. "If we don't kill BLU team, they kill us. When they kill us, we come back. And the entire damned cycle repeats itself, missy. We ain't sayin' we ENJOY our jobs, but we sure as hell keep doin' 'em." Luna stopped, and contemplated this.

"Well, you can stop doing them now." she replied. "I don't even know where you two are from, so you won't be needing to do your jobs for a while. Until then, you'll remain under close watch. Hitting me in the head with a spanner-"

"Wrench." Engineer corrected, before using his hands to mime holding a spanner. "A spanner is smaller than a wrench, and's more suited for loosenin' smaller bolts, while a wrench is more for frontline engineering and for hittin' spi-"

"-WRENCH." Luna spat with a sudden venom that stopped Engineer from being awkward with his hands. "Hitting me in the head with a WRENCH is not something you tend to walk away from easily."

"To be honest, Shiela, I snapped these cuffs in half ages ago with no effort." Sniper answered smartly, raising both hands to show that he had, in fact, ripped the chain in half. "I think I coulda walked outta here a while ago. Engi?"

"Same." Engineer replied, "I just chose not to, cuz I knew your 'trained soldiers' would flip their lids if they'da seen me fiddling with Teddy Roosebelt here." The Texan gestured to a small doll sat in his tool belt. It was almost a spitting image of the human, with goggles, a hardhat, and little fluffy arms hung over the sides of the small pocket. If Luna hadn't have been irritated by the rudeness of the humans, she would have 'd'awww'd at the tiny teddy in the pocket. But she was irritated, so she didn't.

Just then, there was the sound of a chugging motor outside the carriage. All three occupants of the stationary vehicle looked to where it was coming from, each with differing levels of interest. Luna already knew what it was going to be, but was interested in WHICH one it would be, while Sniper and Engi had no idea what it was in general. All of their questions were answered when a metal head appeared in front of the barred window. It was robotic recreation of Sniper's head, peering into the carriage in what could be described as a cheerful manner.

"G'day." it said, looking at the occupants. Luna giggled lightly, and mocked a salute.

"G'day." she mimicked. The robot nodded, then fell backwards. A few seconds later, the door suddenly burst open, in charging a sight that caused Sniper and Engineer to gasp in shock and cower behind Luna. The Princess was slightly aroused when one of the human's 'hands' grasped her flank, but she was also very amused to see the two warriors that cut down a good few hundred of the other creatures cowering from two other creatures.

"Demopan?" asked the Demopan.

"OK, mate." replied the Sniper-bot.

"Bloody hell!" Sniper yelled, cowering even more behind Luna.

"Y'all're just bein' cruel, Princess!" Engineer cried. "We surrender! Just don't let that damn Demopan open trades with us!" Luna's ears pricked up.

"Well...why?" she asked.

OBVIOUS JOKE INBOUND.

"Stout Shako for two refined?" Demopan practically yelled in Luna's face. Reeling back, and opening one eye, she looked at the robot. In one hand, he was holding a Red Shako, offering it to her. His other hand, however, was outstretched in the universal sign that he wanted something in return.

"For...what?" she asked. "Two refined?"

"It ain't even worth that much, Shiela!" Sniper cried. "Don't do it!" Luna figured that if he said it was a bad deal, he would probably know, since the robot was probably from his world. She looked the robot in the single, glowing eye.

"I appreciate the offer, but I shall have to decli-"

WHUNG!

Luna's entire world went blurry again, as she was mercilessly hit with a frying pan. After staggering about slightly, she sighed contentedly at the pretty little birds in her head and passed out on the floor. All four humans/human shaped robots looked at the twitching Princess in horror. They were in some REAL trouble now.

"Demopan?"

"Nope." Engineer replied, walking to the cabinet, and looking for a first-aid kit.

"OK, mate." Sniper-bot replied, putting a thumb up.

"Nice shot." Sniper grinned.

"Aye, thanks." said Demopan.

"Medic!" Engineer yelled. He didn't know why he yelled it, it was mostly just instinct. He didn't expect an answer, but...

"MEEM."

Camper-Ham

To the confusion of everybody/everybot inside the carriage, through the door came a sight Sniper and Engineer had seen when the Quick-Fix broke it's Übercharge function due to Heavy using it to kill several hundred BLU Soldiers. A white light shone and robotic doves flew out from behind a mechanical recreation of Medic. However, instead of having legs, like one might assume to be sensible when designing a robot, instead there was a single wheel holding the machine up. Behind, the usual Medi-Gun charge-backpack was replaced by what Engineer recognised as a D-876 Dry Fuel Power Creator, hooked up to a Mann Co. Medi-Gun being grasped, if not welded, to the machine's titanium-chrome gauntlets.

Sniper could easily make out that the machine was probably the most stupid thing he'd seen all day. It was a robotic recreation of a German that never stopped shouting things nobody could understand, with a plane wheel instead of legs, and on its back it had an oversized car engine, sellotaped to a rubber tube that was attached to something that looked terribly unsafe. Plus, it was BLU. He was surprised he hadn't killed the robot of him and Robo-Demopan, because they were BLU as well.

"Jawohl!" beeped the Medi-Bot, squeaking in on its single wheel and dropping low near the at-peace looking Princess Luna. Her tongue was hung out of her mouth, drooling on the floor with a stupid expression on her face. Meanwhile, her eyes were looking up to her horn, lower eyelid twitching as she emitted quiet moaning sounds. The 'Medic' stared at this blankly, before looking quickly at Engineer. "Engi!"

The Texan looked back at the robot emotionlessly. "What?" he grunted. Medic put a hand out, and pointed at a spot on the floor.

"Dispenser goes here." replied the Medic. The robot and the Texan stared at each other for a few seconds.

"Nope." Engineer said firmly, folding his arms. The robot beside the drooling pony got up to full height.

"Ja."

"Nope."

"Ja."

"Nope."

"Ja."

"Heck no."

"Nein."

"Alrighty then!"

"Horrido!" As it was instinct, Engineer reached into a compartment on his tool belt and pulled out a device different to the usual PDA. Instead of a keypad, on switch, and small screen, it had one large, tempting red button, a large screen displaying the word 'BOOM!' and an antennae. Whenever Engineer pressed the button, a building he had built would explode into a shower of steel, making it easier than running around looking for them and much less embarassing than having a Spy sap it.

"Do it, mate." Sniper said, putting a hand on Engineer's shoulder. "They'll find it down there, and fiddle with it. Don't want them little fruits findin' it and messin' with your stuff, mate." Engineer nodded, and pressed the button with his left finger. A distant clattering sounded from the outside, in what they assumed was the library basement. Panicked yells could be heard from outside, as well as plenty of hooves cantering towards the building. That meant the guards were occupied, Sniper thought.

Next, the Texan put that PDA away, and pulled out the Construction PDA. Entering the code for Dispenser, he grabbed to toolbox before it landed on the unconcious Princess, turned to his right, and threw the box on the floor. As it began to open and assemble itself, Engineer looked into his pocket. "Half my metal's gone, pardner." he muttered. "Darn." Sniper sighed loudly.

"Why's everythin' always so bloody difficult...?" grumbled the Australian, putting a hand to his forehead and raising his hat slightly as he rubbed the stressed head. "Can't bloody go 'ome, me mum and dad are probably callin' the company to find out where I am, and I want to gut everythin' BLU in this world."

"Steady on, pardner." Engineer chuckled, shaking Sniper's shoulder playfully. "We're in trouble 'cause I cracked this here Missy in the noggin. We don't wanna be executed 'cause you gutted her with a rusty machete. We'll find some way outta this, don't you worry." At that very moment, the Dispenser was up and running, as the rejuvenating effect that comes with healing kicked in.

"Danke, meine hard-hatted freunde." Medic cut in, wheeling in front of the device. It had no effect on the machine, except that it kept it amused. And, to make the act seem even more aimless, the Medic turned wheel, pointed the Medi-Gun at the Princess, and began to heal her. Engineer facepalmed with his left hand, as the Gunslinger underneath the rubber glove on his right hand would have seriously hurt, if not smashed, his face. To be honest with himself, he wished he'd done that long ago.

"Demopan?" asked the Af-Robot (See what I did there?), still in its usual ready position with pan raised. It now had a small dent from where he had bashed Princess Luna in the face. It was a good question, actually; was there just him, Sniper-Bot, Meem-dic, and the army of Spycrabs, or were there more?

"Ok, mate." Sniper-Bot replied. Demopan agreed 100%. There probably was a few that fell off the construction line. If the robot's audio sensors were up slightly higher, he would have heard the sound of random muffled yelling coming from the other side of the town.

"Mmph?" asked the first Pyrobot. He looked over to his right, optical sensors picking out the 'Last Breath' head of the other Pyrobot, and his fantastic, supposedly 'rare' military beret atop that. His memory sensors told him that they had both fallen off the assembly line and into the 'bottomless pit' below the factory. Fortunately, a whole cart-load of 'Mann Co.' hats and weapons that were due to be duplicated fell down as well, so at least they wouldn't be helpless. The robot beside him looked back at him, and put a thumb up.

"Mmhmm." replied his Ro-Bro. This robot, with the 'Deus Specs' lenses over the usually black eye sockets on the 'Last Breath', could see no problems with that plan: walk into the middle of the town, get the attention of some locals, and then earn their trust. It would be easy! Everyone loves two robots that look the same, except one has a skull for a head that has golden eyes and a beret, and the other one wearing a bird-cage on its head!

"Mmph mm." said the Cage-Bot.

"Mm." replied the Deus Bot. With that, the pair charged into the town, waving around their traffic lights to show to the locals, before demonstrating their USB launchers that counted kills and their especially technical Binary Throwers that sprayed '1's and '0's everywhere. They were definitely those things, and not, say, Mann Co. weapons that were too dangerous to use by the terms of the Geneva Convention.

"Princess," whispered Crimson Quill as Celestia and Twilight moved to the carriage, followed by a small contingent of guards, "Are you sure this is safe?"

"Yes, assertive." Twilight replied, leaning her neck to him. "There's guards in there, all overlooked by the goddess of Night. If I know Luna, she'll most likely be holding the two as they cry in apology." The young Princess held her head high and smiled as they reached the door to the prison carriage. From outside, they could hear chugging, and talking, a sign that the humans were being visited by their robot companions.

"Now, shall we see how Luna is doing." Celestia beamed. Her guards saluted, opened the door, and allowed both Princesses to stroll in. "Sister, how are the interrogations coming along?"

No answer, just chugging.

"Sister?" Celestia opened her eyes, to see that the 'Demopan' was now in her face. She reeled back in shock, and almost fired a burst at the thing, before calming down. "Erm...good afternoon, Mr Pan...?"

Rather than make conversation, the robot got to what was important. "Stout Shako for two refined." The robot declared, offering out a hand. In his hand was a military drummers' hat, red and with a gleaming gold badge on the front. Its other hand, however, was also outstretched, in the universal sign of wanting something in return. Celestia looked at this, and thought. Refined...clothing...jewels...metal? Her mind stuck on this, and she had an idea. Magically, she pulled off her golden shoes from her back hooves, and placed them in the hand of the robot.

"Thanks, mate!" Demopan said cheerily, before reaching up and putting the Shako on Celestia's head. The hat made the Alicorn seem even taller than she already was. The robot promptly put the metal into its storage compartment in its posterior.

"Certainly." Celestia beamed back. She admitted it to herself: the Shako looked quite nice, and was comfortable. She might wear it around some time. "Now then, Mr Pan, have you seen my sister?"

"Aye!" replied the robot. He casually gestured to a hole in the wall using his pan, that had clearly been in his hand the whole time. Around the edges of the hole, there was still-hot metal, implying that something had burned its way through. Around the carriage, the humans, and Luna, were nowhere to be seen. Celestia and Twilight gasped, quickly running to the melted hole.

"Princess, what happened?" Twilight asked, before receiving a look from her mentor.

"Like I know." Celestia groaned, before examining the hole further. She looked towards the bottom, and a steel, melted pair of legs could be seen. Lying next to them was a scorched piece of steel, bearing a metallic suit and tie. She groaned. "Whatever this was killed a Spycrab, and helped the humans escape..." However, just as she began to walk away, she noticed a set of imprints in the floor. More accurately, several sets. They all led away towards the town centre, intertwining where the humans and their helpers had moved in a group.

"Should I get the guards?" Twilight snapped Celestia out of her stupor.

"Hmm...no, let's go alone. It's been a while since I last had a good adventure, so why not explore alone?" Celestia smirked bravely. "Race you?" Twilight was taken aback.

"Umm...well, I, uh, don't know...err...OK?" stuttered the purple Princess, taking up a loosely prepared position. Celestia adopted a more athletic stance.

"Well, let's see if my age has slowed me down like they say!" Celestia laughed. "Three, two, one, go!" Before Twilight could react, Celestia was off like a rocket, galloping across the town and leaving a smoking trail where she had been. The young Princess shook her head and grinned, before taking off at a slightly less blistering speed.

Behind them, Demopan was still stood in a ready position, looking at the direction the pair took to wherever those two new robots went with Sniper, Sniper, Medic, and Engineer.

"Demo...pan...?" he asked confusedly, before running after them, much to the terror of the ponies that had been nearby when a metal creature ran out of a carriage carrying a frying pan and wearing shutter glasses with an afro.

Camper-Damn

Groaning and adjusting his tie as he exited the water, BLU Spy picked himself up, drew his Ambassador, and sat down behind the railings of Teufort's sewer. His objective that he himself had set was quite clear in his mind; find out how RED team had their Cowboy and Filthy Jar-Man back. He had selected optimal time for the escapade: Midnight. Most, if not all, of the team members both RED and BLU had returned to their dwellings for the evening, leaving the documents pertaining to Sniper and Engineer unguarded.
Except, of course, the ever-present Administrator, and her ludicrously large army of CCTV cameras, hidden microphones, and alarm bells.
BLU Spy furrowed his brow and looked up. Staring in an almost inquisitive manner at him was a camera, no doubt recording. If he sapped it, there would be a massive reverberation from the Admin, and potentially a loss of his job. So, instead, he pulled out another device. One of Mann Co.'s more forgotten devices, it was something he had used since beginning his career as an infiltrator for hire: The Re-Looper.
The small screen and dial was to be plugged into a camera, before setting a 'start' and 'finish'. When played, it would seem like nothing was happening at 12 o' clock in RED base's sewer, when actually there was a Frenchman stealing precious Intel. Spy got up, walked over to the camera, and connected the smaller device to the larger. Setting 'start' as a few minutes prior to his arrival, and 'finish' as thirty seconds later, he unplugged the Re-Looper, and moved further into the building.
"This is going surprisingly well." he chuckled to himself, knife in one hand and revolver in the other. Just as he rounded the corner to the stairs leading down to the lower 'cave' of RED base, a sound began that almost made his espionage-related heart freeze.
Sssssss...
"Oh, MERDE." he whispered sharply, before quickly cloaking and darting to the ledge behind the stairs. Slowly approaching up the steel staircase came his greatest enemy: RED Pyro. Almost deliberately, the masked psychopath slowly aimed his flamethrower around the small shack, with muffled breathing being the only sound beside the gas hissing from the small flame in front of the spout out of which high quantities of flammable substance would spew. He...it seemed to be approaching a small chair set up to the side of the doorway, which meant Spy would have to sneak by him as silently as humanly possible. A terrifying prospect, for a man wearing entirely flammable clothing.
Pyro paused in front of the chair, turned off the flame on his weapon, and set it down against a wall. Next, he sat in the chair, before looking around to make sure nobody was looking. Of course, he wouldn't have seen Spy. Then, to Spy's utmost horror, the RED Pyro pulled out...

"Sniper!" Engineer panted as the group of them, including two robots that seemed to be based on Pyro, the Robot Medic, and Robo-Sniper, who was carrying the unconcious Princess Luna in its arms, sprinted through the town centre to the train station. "Why are we headin' to the darned train station with these robots?! The Princesses themselves are chasin' us, we should just turn ourselves in, fer damn's sakes!"
"I dunno," Sniper replied, turning his neck to look behind at the two pursuing Alicorns, now cantering along behind them with looks of determination. "We just need t' keep bloody goin'! I'm not facin' Celestia's wrath while I'm still breathin', mate! Just keep runnin' after the Pyrobots!" Engineer nodded, and carried on sprinting. The only thing encumbering him was the dispenser he was hefting in a toolbox held in front of him. He was used to running with it, sure, but not long distances like this.
The only thing Sniper had in his hands was his Tribalman's Shiv, and his other hand was holding his hat onto his head. Plastered on his face was a look of sheer terror, the kind he felt when BLU team won a battle, and had the right to slaughter everybody on RED team using despicable means that Hale himself would frown on. But this was worse: He, along with some robots, had kidnapped a Sun Goddess' sister, and said Sun Goddess was now chasing then with presumable hostile intent.
Then, for the first time with a non-interrogative tone, Celestia called after them.
"Stop!" she cried, trying desperately to catch up to them. "I just need to have Lulu!" Sniper looked at his mechanical counterpart for advice, not slowing down.
"Nah." Robo-Sniper said casually, before looking ahead again and taking the lead to the train-station. The building was so close. At the platform, there was also a train, marked to be heading for 'Canterlot'. Engineer chuckled to himself.
"Sounds far away, fellas! Let's get aboard!" he said to the group, prompting mechanical replies, one human reply, and an almost drunken reply from the barely concious Luna. She groaned, nodded, and further curled up in robo-Sniper's arms, before nuzzling against his steel chestplate. Sniper smiled slightly: He'd hate to admit it to anybody, but it was actually the only thing that really warmed his piss drenched heart.
Before they could scamper aboard the train, a sudden force threw Robo-Medic to the floor, his one wheel not helping him bob back upright due to an unkown force. Instantly, there was a purple flash, and Twilight had teleported in front of the group, blocking their movement, and Celestia had stopped the other way. Both were red in the face, panting for breath, and sweating, a stark contrast to Engineer and Sniper, who were acting rather normal on the platform.
"I..." Celestia gasped, tongue drooping from her mouth and wings dropped by her sides. "...said stop..." Engineer gave a calm look at the Princess, before placing the toolbox on the floor. He reached into a pocket, and pulled out a convenient bottle of water.
"Here ya go, missy." he said, offering Celestia the bottle. The Princess smiled, and levitated the bottle over to herself. After a lady-like thank you, the monarch proceeded to guzzle the entire contents of the bottle as though they were the last droplets of water on Equis. Sniper and his hard-hatted friend were immediately reminded of a certain alcoholic back home, who loves explosions, and envies people with two eyes. "Umm...yer welcome?" Engi muttered, rolling his eyes behind his goggles and folding his arms. "Now: Why are y'all so damned pissy at us?" Celestia stopped drinking and gave a confused look.
"Well..." she said, looking confusedly over his shoulder at the Sniper-Bot holding Luna in its arms, all the while looking down at her sister with a blank stare. "...you foalnapped my sister, then escaped our custody, before leading two Princesses on what may as well have been a 4000 meter sprint? Is that reason enough to chase you all down?" Sniper looked at her blankly, gazing aimlessly about with his eyes peering almost curiously at everything that wasn't Celestia. She couldn't tell if Engineer was looking at her though, because of his goggles that he never removed. In fact, she was getting rather frustrated with these humans.
"Nope." Engi replied calmly, his wrench in his hand and being idly smacked against his ungloved hand. Twilight, meanwhile, wasn't listening: she was thinking.
None of the other robots Celestia had mentioned are as eccentric as these ones, Twilight thought, not removing her worried gaze from the new robot that had put its own face, which seemed to resemble a cranium of some sort, not even inches from hers. If anything, the humans seem to be smarter than the robots. Before she could shuffle away from the new robot, it raised a hand in front of her face. She looked at the appendage, and as she did, it slowly reached out, and placed itself over her confused snout.
"Mm." said the robot, before taking its hand away, and turning its attention to the unfortunate train conductor.
"...um...?" Twilight whimpered. Suddenly, there was a tap on her shoulder. She cleared her confusion, and looked, to see the Demopan-bot tilting its head at her in what appeared to be confusion. "Y-Yes, Mr Pan?"

In the circuitry of Demopan-Bot...

Demopan-Bot understood one thing about what was happening: The purple horse looked unhappy, confused, and lonely. So, he decided to go cheer her up.

Twilight was laughing hysterically, even though she had seen Mr Pan hit himself with a pan already. She was receiving confused stares and other bad things to have directed at you (No projectile weapons, though) as the robot decided it was time to smack himself with his pan again. Maybe it was some kind of effect he could inflict upon others, maybe it was just her losing her marbles. But what she knew was that he had cheered her up quite a lot.
"Oi, Shiela." Sniper cut in, kneeling down over the laughing alicorn. "Ya feelin' alright, mate?" After a few moments of no reply except giggling, the Australian shrugged and moved over to Engineer, who was having an argument with Celestia.
"...sorry to disappoint, missy," Engineer said firmly, hands placed on his hips, "But personally ah prefer night-time, due to its cover of darkness. Plus, the quiet helps me focus on solvin' practical problems in mah workshop, so I think Lil' Miss Luna here is the better of y'all Monarchs..." Celestia rolled her eyes.
"Well, you clearly have no taste in Princesses!" whined the goddess, stomping a hoof in a diva-like manner. "I raise the sun, love all my subjects, and I'm considered absolutely beautiful! What's not to love about me?"
"Do y'all even understand the definition a' beauty?" Engineer laughed in her face, encouraging a frown from the white horse. "A thing a' real beauty is seein' a Spah dead right in front of yer feet, because y'all were the one who smacked him with a wrench because he tried to sap yer sentry."
"Nah." Sniper cut in, smiling because Celestia wasn't. "A thing of beauty, mates, is snipin' a rocket-hoppin' Tin-Hat from the air without aimin' down your scope, then watchin' him land head-first onto the floor! Then, doin' the same thing to him AGAIN when he comes back at ya for bloody revenge! And what do ya think beauty is, Shiela? Compared to ours, yours'll sound like a piece a' piss." Celestia thought for a moment, then smiled in an almost evil manner.
"Follow me back to Canterlot in the Royal Carriage and I can show you why ponies see me as a thing of beauty." she laughed, and began to go back the way she had come, towards the library. She suddenly paused and looked over her shoulder with a smirk. "That is, if you can handle it..." After a quick shake of her rump, she moved on forwards, followed by Twilight. The robots followed, leaving Engineer and Sniper looking both terrified and confused at what she may have been implying.
"Buddy, is it weird that if that was a human woman saying that wouldn't have gotten me interested, but she succeeded in making it interest me?" Engineer asked. Sniper gave a glare, before the pair followed slowly after them without a word said.

"...mmv bmm frmm m mmf, mm frmm." Pyro sighed, staring down at the small teddy in his gloved hands in an almost sad manner. The stuffed animal was missing an eye, had an arm almost falling off, and ruffled fur. Occasionally, there were small flecks of ash that remained in the fur of the bear, but otherwise it was a light brown with missing patches of fur. Spy could only assume that this was a toy from the Pyro's childhood, showing that he wasn't just a soulless monster. He almost felt sorry for the amount of times he'd stabbed Pyro in the back, or shot him in the head, or disguised as him, shot him in the head, then stabbed him in the back.
Before Spy could do anything, the masked arsonist stood up, and placed his toy on the seat. Next, he picked his flamethrower back up, before looking down at the bear. "Mm cmm bmmc. Dmm mm-hm, mm frmm." he said in an almost sad way, before marching out of the room on his patrol of RED base, leaving the stuffed animal on the chair. Once Spy was sure he was gone, he uncloaked, and looked down the stairs.
"Excellent." he chuckled. But, before he began to move down, he paused, and looked at Pyro's bear. It was obvious how attached he was to the small toy, and it seemed like his only friend. While every part of him was tempted to throw it away and do all sorts of mean things, he decided to do his good deed for the...lifetime. He reached into his suit pocket, and pulled out a small pair of nose spectacles, and his suit-repair kit. Making sure Pyro was gone, he rapidly got to work on fixing the animal. While he believed it to be something small, if he left a note saying he had fixed it, maybe Pyro would be more inclined to ignore the Engineer walking up behind the Engineer.
So he worked.
For thirty minutes, with no stops, until finally...
"Ah, there." he smirked at his handiwork. The bear was now good as new, except the fur, which would have to remain ruffled. The eye was back in place, the arm wasn't falling off, and the bullet holes had been repaired, not to mention some stuffing made of a ripped up handkerchief thread. His job done, Spy put his things away, and left the bear sat upright in the seat with a note.

To RED Pyro

Consider your friend fixed.

-BLU Spy.

His good deed done, Spy continued downstairs, and began his search for clues as to how the Filthy Jar-Man and Cowboy were back. Pulling out his trusty Camera Beard, he prepared to read some secret documents with his chin.

Camper Hats

Celestia, despite looking calm and collected to her citizens as she marched through the town with 2 robots with different styles, 1 robot that was carrying Princess Luna and staring blankly at her, another with a tonne of swag and a pan, and two other creatures that were simply trailing behind and saying nothing but with one glancing worriedly at Celestia and the other giving a death-glare, she was mentally slapping herself repeatedly. With Twilight's heaviest, hard-back edition of Seethin' King's 'It'.

Why. Why would you do that?! her mind was screaming at her, whilst ordering several more copies of the book to use for slapping purposes. Yes, Celestia, you're probably in heat. But you've been around for Faust-damned centuries! You've gotten used to it, you've overcome it! These humans and their strangely adorable mechanical friends are not to be flirted with. Leave them be, they go home, then you can...I don't know, go flirt with that rather dashing guard that seems lonely, or something. Just stop trying to touch the humans in an overly-friendly way.

Sniper's eyes were unblinking as he glared at Celestia. Some ponies were trying not to laugh as it looked as though he was staring at her flanks. But actually, not blinking was a thing for him; his bloodstream literally consisted of coffee from the amount he drank per day to keep himself awake, and he couldn't blink much whilst looking through the scope, lest he miss the Spy coming behind Medic for a bit of back-pokey-pokey with his knife. And to be honest with himself, he didn't care if he looked like a perverted creature to these ponies: Their ruler, supposed to be the most mature, was literally trying to get into his and Engineer's pants.

Sniper simply growled to himself. To Engi, it just sounded like Sniper being...Sniper. But in reality, he was desperately trying not to just pull out his SMG and pump everything full of holes. Except the robot of him. He'd managed to relate to that robot: Neither did anything outwardly social or funny, both (probably) wanted to go home, and both liked Luna. She hadn't really done any speaking at him to start conversation, and she seemed the type who would always be grumpy.

So he had a slight want to do another friendship-thing with her, like he did with Engineer when he helped him defend while the other REDs cowered. But, his attention then turned to Engineer, who was being...Engi.

Dell Conagher, RED Team Engineer, builder of weapons of mass slaughter, long range teleportation, and munitions dispensing, as well as hard-boiled Texan labourer, liked that horse.

He genuinely did like Princess Celestia: partly in the manner of love her, care for her, hug her, teach her to fight, then have her as a supporting class for RED team where she would become his mighty steed, and help him become master of the Badlands, but mostly because he enjoyed her company far too much. She seemed a lot more flirtatious than any human woman he'd met, and had encouraged him to chuckle quite a bit with a few one-liners about how old she was and that she's already done it all.

But still: She was a pony. What the hell happened that made him become pretty much her 'secret admirer' or whatever it was that Scout would always be to that Miss Pauling woman? Engineer didn't know, but he sure as hell didn't like it, and his only assumption was that she was doing something with his mind. So he'd either have to stop her, or just let it happen, or leave this dimension somehow.

But then he nearly stopped in his tracks, and looked over to Sniper. If it was happening to Engineer, was it happening to his Australian companion? Casting his goggled eyes over to the Huntsman, but only turning his head slightly to see the tall man, and he could only be assumed that the Australian was staring at the back-end of the white goddess in front of him, and from Engineer's point of view of having to look up at Sniper's face, he was enjoying the view.

Sniper's finger was twitching. He was imagining his hand was carrying his beloved SMG, and that he had the option to unload all 25 rounds at will. But he wasn't, and that's what aggravated him most. He didn't like this; the ponies, the robots, the place, and after years of nothing but violence and jars of his own urine being used to defend himself from angry French men, he hated how ludicrously peaceful it was. Yes, he envied the fact these little animals led peaceful lives, almost innocent. Yes, he envied that they could wake up every morning and not risk being bludgeoned, shot, stabbed, gibbed, sentry'd, backstabbed, covered in piss or 'non-milk substances', incinerated, drowned, falling to their deaths, decapitated, hit by trains, crushed, telefragged, or worse. But most of all, he envied how happy they were with their families and friends.

His only real friend was Engineer, considering the dodgy looks RED and BLU give him and his blue counterpart as they go by. He could acknowledge that they disliked him for not being 'out there', not running around with his SMG and killing all in his way, or that he couldn't '360 noscope headshot' like BLU Sniper does almost every day. But he still couldn't get his head around the fact that he receives nearly as much abuse as Medic; Spy stubs his cigarettes on Sniper's belongings and dead bodies, Heavy 'accidentally' drops bologne on his rifle, Demoman tries coating his weapons in scrumpy for added 'och aye, laddie, the noo', Medic sawing the stocks from his rifle for use in projects, and all of them save Engineer stealing his hats to use with the crafting device or keys to open crates.

He'd lost so many Panama hats to that damned machine. And at a glance around, he noticed so many ponies wore them like every day things. It was almost like an honour for Sniper to find a hat lying by the roadside, on a rock, or in a bin. Yet it seemed to happen to the others almost every day. He remembered when he got his first hat, and closed his eyes with a smile.

A bloody battle ensued around Sniper as he dived for cover behind a rock. As a rocket zipped past, he watched its trajectory, only to see it plow into Engineer's dispenser and sentry, destroying both at once. The Texan was just about to draw his shotgun, when he let out a loud cry of pain; as he dropped to his knees and fell to the Dustbowl floor, the BLU Spy stood behind him, smirking and adjusting his tie. Clearly, Spy had been underestimating RED in the first few weeks of battle, so Sniper figured he should teach him a lesson.

At 2800 feet per second.

Aiming a loose shot in Spy's direction, there was a loud yell as the Frenchman dropped like a stone, crashing to the wreckage of the Sentry and impaling himself on one of the twisted barrels. The Australian smirked, lowering his rifle to his waist, and peeping around the corner. Engineer would respawn, who cared about the Texan anyway? He had a Sentry, he didn't need anything to do with Sniper, nor Sniper to do with Engi. Around the side of the rock, the sight of BLU Soldier came into view. He was carrying the usual missile launcher, but with a small backpack slung onto his back. What caught Sniper's eye most, and causing him to gasp, was the fact his helmet was different. Strapped around the tin helmet was a large, dark blue band, holding onto a pair of playing cards and a pack of cigarettes.

Sniper looked on in amazement: Nobody had changed their hat before. And Soldier dared to make it like that? Wow, Sniper had quite a bit of respect for that man. Still amazed, he stared, even as the Soldier marched right up to his rock, grabbed his face with a slightly evil cackle, and shoved him to the floor. Sniper scrambled back to a nearby barrel, before watching as Soldier raised his shovel.

"You will NOT turn my battlefield into a camping ground, Shiela!" barked the American trooper, raising his gardening implement of doom. "This is war, and I LOVE IT!"

"B-But you have a hat!" Sniper replied, pointing to his helmet. "N-Nobody's changed their 'eadgear, mate! Why now?" Soldier paused, and removed the helmet and gingerly placed the shovel on the floor. The trooper sat down in front of Sniper, and gestured to the band.

"This band has served me well in my career of earning medals and gibbing Scotsmen." he began. "In Vietnam, I was strangling Charlie with it, and then leaving that soldier alone to have a smoke and play Poker! I didn't wear this at the start of this job, because I didn't think I'd be killing maggots like YOU. I put 1 and 1 and 1 together yesterday, and the answer was five, and this hat. If you want a hat, you make one or buy one, Shiela, just like your maggot team is doing right now!" Sniper blinked.

"So that's where those wankers are..." he murmured, before looking to Soldier, who was in the process of replacing his helmet, picking up his shovel, and glaring down at Sniper. He pointed the edge of the tool to Sniper's throat, who raised his hands defensively.

"Since you do not understand the Mann Co. Store, I will let you live, if you let us cap these points." Soldier snarled. "And tell your maggot team-mates they would have won if they had bought hats EARLIER." The Soldier promptly kicked Sniper his rifle, who staggered to his feet and blinked at the BLU through his sunglasses. "You best get going, maggot, if you don't want to be killed in the after slaughter. Go back to your base, and hide behind some boxes with the Mann Co. Catalog, and make sure to have your hat by next week, numnuts, or you will be the hatless!" Sniper flicked his eyes up to his current hat, then at Soldier.

"Thanks, mate." he nodded, before grabbing his rifle and sprinting away. Not even seconds later, the announcer came over the speakers.

"YOU'VE FAILED!" she practically screamed. After a short sprint, Sniper ran into the spawn, moved a couple of crates to a corner, grabbed a catalog, and did what he did best: he hid. The darkness behind the crates was making it difficult to know what was happening outside, but judging by the Engineer shouting 'Help me!' outside the door, followed by a loud scream and a minigun firing, it wasn't pretty.

It took several hours for the lights to be flicked off, and Sniper was able to safely jump out from behind his wall of boxes. After he was certain the footsteps were gone from outside the building, he carefully pulled up the Spawn door. Outside, it was dark, with blood still soaking into the sand and spent cases everywhere. The wind whistled quietly though the wreckage of Engineer's buildings, and the sound of coyotes howling in the distance was heard. Sniper grinned. It was now perfectly safe for him to go back to his van, and begin his hat hunt. If even the Soldier let him go since he had no hat but interests in them, a hat could save his life, apparently. With the idea of the perfect hat set in his mind, the Australian began the slow walk back to his Camper. He knew what he'd do: stop at a roadside restaurant, sit on his own, get a coffee, and read the catalog. Nothing would interrupt, and he could really think about this Soldier offer.

The sound of clearing up in the kitchen was faintly audible as Sniper sat in a window cubicle. The comfortable red seats and metal-edged tables gave it a nice feel, and the absolute silence of the night outside set a nice mood that Sniper had always loved. He loved the night. He could be alone. Sipping his coffee, he checked the contents of the magazine.

"Guns..." he quietly murmured. "Espionage, knives, handguns, personal defence, Jarate courses...HATS." Sniper grinned, noting the page number and quickly flicking to it. He had his hopes high, and they were...slightly dashed at the limited selection. The smile dropped from his face as he realised there was only one hat that'd suit him and his style. It was a nifty little number called the Trophy Belt, which seemed to be a simple band containing crocodile teeth which clipped to the front of his hat. It was only $20 as well, so easily affordable, but still not as satisfying since there were less he could wear.

Just then, somebody sat down opposite him. The sound of a wooden object being placed down next to him was heard, and a rubbery snap as a glove came off. There was then a plastic 'clonk' as a helmet of some sort came off and onto the table. Sniper flicked his eyes up, and to his surprise, the Engineer was sat just there, giving him a small smile. He wasn't wearing his usual hard-hat, which was sat just in front of him on the table, and to Sniper's surprise, where his glove used to be was a mechanical hand, made of black steel and red metalwork and wires.

"Howdy." Engi greeted, giving a small wave with his metal hand. Sniper just grunted and carried on reading and drinking coffee. "Uh...Desmond Mundy, was it?"

"Call me Sniper." replied...Sniper. Engineer dropped his smile slightly and sighed.

"Um...good battle today, huh?" he asked.

"Nope."

"Erm...OK...that the new Mann Co. Catalog?"

"Mmhmm."

"Nice. What're y'all lookin' at?"

"Hats."

"Hats? A gun company sells hats?"

"They sell fish, aboriginal shields, spanners, cooking knives, gatling guns, garden tools, explosives, and bottles of rum, yet you find it strange that they sell hats, mate?"

"Well, I suppose. It's just that none of us wear different hats. Ever."

"BLU Soldier started wearing that band with the cigarettes and cards in, though. He even let me go so I could go and read this catalog after hours, so I suppose that it's a good thing I showed an interest in hats."

"Hmm, I guess y'all have a point there. Anythin' caught your eyes?"

"Well, this Trophy Belt thing looks pretty good." Sniper turned the magazine around to face Engineer, who looked to the page with a grin.

"That'd suit y'all, partner." he nodded. "I'm likin' the look of that Minin' Light. It'd work with my hard-hat, don'tcha think?"

"Yeah, that's a nice hat actually." Sniper smirked. "Considerin' how Solly put the band around his, you'd think they'd have done this earlier."

"Y'all got that right." Engineer chuckled as he leaned back in his chair. "Hell, ya'd think that these would come with those weapons they made. Like for Spy, they made that snazzy Ambassador revolver, so you'd expect a nice hat with that, right?"

"Yeah."

"Exactly. So I'm saying that, say, that Officer's Ushanka would probably work with that Natascha gun they made fer Heavy."

"Good point. I think a Trophy Belt would be nice with Jarate lessons."

"Say, what is that Jarate stuff? Every time y'all throw it, BLU team literally beg for us to kill them."

"Ehhh, ya'd better not know about it, I think. It's pretty weird."

And so, the two men spent a good few hours talking. Not as colleagues, but as friends.

He opened his eyes with a sigh, smile still on his face. A short tap on his shoulder shook him out of it, and the smile dropped as he remembered where he was. Stood to his side was that Twilight Sparkle horse, looking up at him expecting an answer, he assumed.

"Yeah?" he said casually. Twilight frowned.

"Have you really not listened for this whole time?" she groaned, facehoofing. "I said, we're nearly at the library, get ready to get your things." Sniper just nodded, and carried on looking ahead. "What were you even thinking about that made you stare at my mentor?"

"Ah, just rememberin'." Sniper chuckled. "Thinkin' 'bout the night Engi sat down opposite me in the bar, an' we looked at a hat catalog. Next day, we were defendin' Teufort alone when the other 7 were out on tasks."

"Well..." Twilight began. "You sound like you've done that before, what makes it special to you?"

"Hats, Shiela." Sniper responded hastily, gesturing to the crocodile teeth around his hat. "Without hats on our battlefields, you're a loser. And since they were introduced, I've been wearin' an apple on me head, a Vampire Huntin' hat, a pith helmet, antlers, an' all sorts. Not to mention the other things they sell, which come under miscellaneous items, like a Nano-Fibre bandana, cowboy boots, medals, sweaters, pipes! I don't think there's been one day when I haven't seen Spy running out without a hat on, or his suit regular, since Mann Co sells him fancy shirts and hats. That's why I'm wearing this hat; so I'm not a loser."

Well, that's...interesting..." Twilight nodded slowly, looking worried. "So that hat you're wearing means a lot to you?"

"First hat I ever got." he smiled. "I can remember it now..." Sniper closed his eyes, and looked up.

The outback sun beat down on Sniper's neck like-

"No, no more flashbacks." Twilight said firmly. Sniper sighed, and hung his head with a frown.

"Engineer?" Celestia said politely.

"Yes, ma'am?" he responded, moving forward to be in line with her.

"Would you happen to know anything about these machines that follow you and run rampant through Canterlot?"

"Nope." he replied with a shrug. "Hell, these robots ain't even RED, they're BLU. Why would a RED build a BLU robot, I might ask ya?"

"Hmm, I suppose that's a valid point. But they also seem to be of a different design to your devices, so I suppose it does rule that possibility out."

"Damn right. Nice Stout Shako, by the way. What'd y'all trade for it?"

"Two of my shoes. It isn't a problem, I have plenty more. And that robot seems to like them." she smiled, gesturing to Demopan-bot. He was holding both shoes in each hand, as well as a small pile of refined metal in the same hand as one shoe. He wiggled his fingers, pressed it all together, and pulled his hands apart, revealing he had crafted...

Teufort Tooth-Kickers

"Boh!" Demopan-bot growled, before throwing the boots over his shoulder. The shoes obviously appealed to Sniper-bot, who knelt down and picked them up, before putting them on almost instantaneously.

"Thanks mate." he said to Demopan, raising a thumb.

"Aye!" Demopan replied, before holding 3 more pieces of refined metal. Once more, he pushed them together and...

The Double-Cross Comm

Sniper promptly spat out all of his coffee he wished he had. "Bloody hell!" he gasped, before running past Twilight and tapping Demopan on the shoulder.

"Double-Cross Comm," Demopan began, gesturing to the bandana, "For three refined." Sniper's smile went huge.

"Yeah!" replied the Australian quickly, before dumping three refined from his pockets into Demopan's waiting hand. Sniper quickly put the mouth-piece on, and felt in power.

"Thanks, mate!" Demopan laughed, before crafting again in an instant.

Stout Shako

"Haha." Demopan laughed, before placing the hat carefully in his pan. He then sprinted ahead to the library, and positioned himself in front of a door-guard, and said his lines to the confused young guard. Celestia simply smiled.

"If you say that's based on your co-worker," she chuckled to Engineer, "Then you must have interesting discussions around the water cooler." Both of the pair began to laugh at the joke, causing a smile in Twilight, who watched the whole thing.

I knew that Engineer was good inside. But...Sniper...I don't know. I should probably work at him until he at least starts conversations of his own accord and without pulling a knife, right?

Author's Note

Sorry, writer's lock.

Camper-Fan

The usual hustle and bustle of the castle ceased the moment that Celestia and Luna guided Sniper, Engineer, and their robot companions through the halls. Maids and servants dived for cover, guards braced up, and Nobles visiting reeled back in disgust at the humans and machines. "They'll love ya, she said." Sniper grumbled to the robot Medic. "Don't worry, they've seen worse, she said."

"Ja." MeeMbot replied casually, slowly trundling along behind Celestia. He didn't mind where he was, just that the Dispenser went here. Sniper just rolled his eyes.

"Yeah, I thought ya'd say that." he muttered, before deciding to speak with Engineer. The Texan was walking with his hands in his pockets, looking at the vast scale of the building in awe. Occasionally, a guard would give him a glare, the 'don't mess with me' kind of glare that Soldier would regularly give the RED Team, but Engi simply ignored it; he was used to stares, he was used to glares, and he was also used to being stabbed through the spine with a butterfly knife, shot through the head, set on fire and hit with an axe, falling and breaking his face on the floor, and being gibbed violently by a mysteriously glowing missile or pipe bomb. So, these soldiers acting as though they'd been through some tough times had clearly NOT been to the Badlands. He chuckled at the thought. Ponies? Fighting Pyro? Good God, that's be horrific to watch.

"Hell." Engineer said quietly to himself. "Might as well pick up a few construction tips while I'm here. Musta used a few hundred RSJs to build this one arch, and it's supportin' solid marble, too." Just then, he noticed Sniper dropping by his side. The Australian had removed his bandana at the request of Celestia, in case it intimidated those inside the castle. However, she had, in fact, made the problem worse; Sniper could now glare back at those who glared at him, and even worse for them, bare teeth. The latter had already been demonstrated when he gave a rather terrifying grin at a guard who spat at him, causing the stallion to swallow his pride and cower slightly.

"You think they'll ever be able to get us home?" Sniper asked. Engineer simply batted at the back of his helmet, lowering the reversed hard-hat over his eyes.

"I dunno, man." he sighed. "They've got a robot problem, and we look like the best defence in case something goes awry. But they'll surely have replaced us back on RED, so we don't really have much to go back for, besides family. And...I'm startin' t' like it here." Sniper's eye twitched.

"...y-you don't wanna go home?" he asked, quite shocked. Engineer placed a hand on Sniper's shoulder as the group went through a set of doors to a smaller corridor, supposedly where their rooms were. Celestia halted the group, and turned. "Well, we have your rooms here, gentle...men and robots." she said proudly. "We have three prepared; one for Mr Conagher, one for Mr Mu-"

"Say it and you're dead." Sniper growled at her, hands in his pockets. A guard nearby braced up with his spear. "Same goes for you too, ya mongrel." The guard swallowed hard and calmed down. Celestia glared at him, and continued.

"Pardon me, Sniper," she spat, "And the third room for the machines. Now then, my sister and I shall go and retrieve the keys, since we seem to have forgotten them. You all shall stay here until our return."

"Aye!" Demopan-Bot said cheerfully.

"Mmhmm." both Pyrobots added.

"OK, mate." Sniper-Bot said.

"MeeM!" shouted MeeMbot.

"Alrighty then!" smiled Engineer.

"OK." Sniper grunted. Celestia frowned while Luna simply looked inquisitively at him as they went past. The door closed, and the only pony left was a single guard, still shaken from his experience with Sniper's threatening demeanour. The clock ticked quietly away as the chugging of motors continued throughout the hours Celestia and Luna were gone for. Sniper decided to sit against the wall and sort through his backpack, Engineer sat on top of his Dispenser and play his guitar quietly, and the robots just...watched. After every finished song or tune, they would look at each other, then Engineer, then raise a thumb. They didn't seem to know that Engineer wouldn't be insulted if they gave him a thumbs down. He was a better player when he had a, y'know, human hand. He'd also set up a Level 3 Sentry gun next to his dispenser. It wouldn't shoot anypony, or any of the machines, since he hadn't given it those calibrations, but it was locked, loaded, and chirping loudly down the corridor.

Suddenly, the doors at the other end of the room swung open, knocking into MeeMbot and causing a panicked cry to emit from his speaker. Engineer stopped playing because he found himself...unable to. His guitar strings were completely locked into place, like steel rods that couldn't be moved. Then, he noticed the light blue glow around the strings, and looked to the door in irritation. Stood there, looking like he owned the place, was a group of Nobles, with a white stallion. He had a blonde mane and tail, snarky eyes, and a bow-tie that seemed to come with a collar. He, along with his fellow up-tight Nobles, wede glaring at the humans and machines almost in disgust, as though they were unwanted guests. "Pfft." he muttered. "And when Auntie said that there were creatures in the castle, I thought she meant intelligent beings. You all look like you never even learned to walk until you were around 13, and you robots need to stop chugging so loudly. It's annoying, and I don't like annoying things." He looked to Engineer, who was staring him in the eyes in incredible annoyance. "And you should play a real instrument; learn to play the cello, you abomination."

"Well, excuse me, Mr In-Charge-o'-everythin'." Engi shot back, taking the stallion's group by surprise. "I didn't get the impression that you'd know exactly how mah culture works. Please, inform me of the art of Rodeos, Texan Showdowns, and other traditions o' mah home county." The stallion looked at his companions in shock, then back at Engineer.

"Excuse me?!" he said angrily. "Did you just answer back to Prince Blueblood II?!"

"Yeah." Engineer replied calmly. "And by the way; If we were, as you said, 'unintelligent', then how in the Sam-hell did I build this heavy tripod-mounted machine gun and this, mah Dispenser?" Blueblood was seething. The Nobles behind him looked at the Engineer in approval as he parred Blueblood. Then, the Unicorn snapped his attention to Sniper, who was still sat looking into his backpack of items.

"You there!" he snapped. "Control your illiterate friend!" Sniper looked at him. The glare he gave Blueblood was literally strong enough to incinerate the sun.

Twice.

Blueblood, however, was indifferent. "Answer me, you beast!" he yelled. The Australian sighed, reached into his backpack, and pulled out his Bushwacka. Then, without a word, he put it next to him in clear view of Blueblood, before continuing to rummage through his backpack. The robots were just watching Blueblood, who was now incredibly uncomfortable with the amount of sentient creatures he had annoyed in the past 2 minutes. The PyroBill'sBot, unimpressed with Blueblood, pointed to the door.

"Fmmk mmph." it said firmly.

Several hours later, Celestia and Luna returned. Celestia looked incredibly tired, Luna looked exactly as interested in Sniper as she had been several hours ago, and Celestia was levitating three sets of keys beside them. Engineer sat up and walked over to Celestia. "You alright there, ma'am?" he asked, rather worried. She looked at him.

"Some fool lost the keys." she groaned, placing them into Engineer's hand. "We've been following sources and going on a wild goose chase to get these Faust-damned things, so don't loose them again." Engineer looked up from his key-forgery set, original key pressed firmly into a mould.

"Sorry, Miss, but I wasn't listening." he excused. Celestia squinted exasperatedly at the Texan's act of making fake keys, before pushing past him.

"Fine, whatever." she sighed. "Your room, SNIPER, here's your room, and robots, your room is just here. OK? OK. Be ready for dinner at seven o' clock. Wear something nice, and...preferably not blood-soaked, please." With that, both Princesses left the hallway, Engineer packed up all of his devices, and they all went into their rooms and closed the doors.

A half hour later, Sniper walked out of his room. He was not wearing his hat or vest, instead just wearing his casual clothing; the usual formal brown shoes, red shirt, browny-beige trousers, and aviator shades. He also had his small crocodile teeth necklace, just because that gave him luck and 'social skills', according to the Mann Co. catalog. He contemplated going back and putting on his 70's Chapeau, but that didn't seem...right. It was a formal dinner, and he was obsessing over hats. Another day in the life of a Badlands Mercenary.

Just then, the door to his right opened, and out stepped Engineer. He wasn't wearing his hard-hat, but was, as usual, wearing his goggles. He had his Boots on, shirt done as normal, and overalls still soaked in blood from past fights. It, as it turns out, was all he could wear; He did not have trousers in his backpack, or anything else, but guns. Lots of guns. In fact, most weren't designed for his type of work, but he didn't care: he was going to use every single round available to eliminate any threat that arose. They looked at each other, then at the third door.

It swung open, revealing that Demopan-Bot had not gotten changed, MeeMbot was now wearing a metallic version of the Vintage Tyrolean and a pair of sunglasses, Sniper-Bot was still wearing his boots, but also wearing a pair of sunglasses, and both Pyrobots now had bags of explosives strapped to their back. All of them stared at each other for a moment. Then, the MeeMbot pointed to a nearby clock.

"It is MeeM o' clock! MeeM Schnell!" it yelled as it wheeled out of the hallway with an Übersaw in hand. The other robots let out battle cries and charged out of the door after it, yelling battle cries and waving melee weapons around. Sniper and Engineer groaned, facepalmed, and went after them. Then, when they left the corridor, they turned right rather than left, and it was only a few metres from the dining hall. The robots, meanwhile, ran out into the garden, and began smacking trees with melee weapons. It was absolutely silent, save for the sound of a repeated whung as the Pan smashed an oak tree repeatedly. Then...the distant sound of rapid footsteps. Approaching.

Then more.

Then came the voices, all repeating one phrase, almost endlessly.

"Need a dispenser here!"

Camper-Tan

Sniper watched with narrowed eyes as Celestia gracefully sat down in her chair. Everybody had to stand until she was seated and had given permission to sit. That even included Engineer and Sniper, who were forced to take seats closest to Luna and Celestia, along with the snotty 'Prince' from earlier. He had his hands in his pockets, one gloved and one ungloved as usual, and his head lowered slightly. Now, Desmond Mundy, master of the art of the Lucksman and Jarate, was not a fan of social meals. He liked the post-battle 'let's all get pissed out of our heads' part between both teams, even if that meant it was him, both Engineers and the other Sniper sitting in a corner and laughing at jokes only a camper would understand. Even then, that got boring.

So imagine his displeasure at having a dinner with about 40 foreigners, all Equine, that could stick their noses up so high they could probably hit the Mann Co. sattelites, and having to wait to eat something. Engineer, however, was feeling slightly happier than he should have been. He may have become a tad elated to be sat right next to the one female horse that understood him. In fact, he watched intently at his preferred Equine friend, smiling politely. Sniper was frowning in such a way that even Princess Luna would look like the Pyro in a petrol/sugary delight factory/waterfall of kittens.

"Please," Celestia smiled, "Be seated." All the nobles around the table, heads still literally pointed towards the ceiling, murmured in appreciation, before sitting down. Engineer bowed his head slightly, and sat down carefully, so as not to damage the small chair. Sniper grumbled something and sat down.

'Oh,' he thought to himself, 'I do hope that one's bloody meal is done a tad bleedin' faster. Slow pikeys, even BLU Heavy can push the cart faster than the service here.' The moment everybody/pony was seated, Celestia looked at the two humans with a smile for Engineer and a disdainful glare at Sniper, before frowning further and looking around.

"Might I ask what happened to your mechanical companions?" the Princess asked formally. Both men looked at each other, then back at Celestia. The ensuing shrug was perfectly in synchronization, after years of pretending to not know where the friendly BLU Medic had run off to with the intelligence, or actuay not having a single clue where the Spy had snuck off to.

"Well, ah'm 'fraid we don't know, ma'am." Engineer sighed. "Last ah saw, they were headed into the gardens."

"They were also wearin' some bloody nice hats." Sniper added, before thinking for a moment. "Say, why didn't we put on somethin' to cover our Freds?" Celestia looked terribly confused at the word.

"Pardon me?" she asked. "Is that intended to be rude?"

"Nah." Sniper dismissed with a wave of his hand. "Cockney rhymin' slang. Thieves and burglars used it to talk about crimes in front of the police so they had no bloody Didgeridoo what they 'ad planned. Clever, actually, Shiela." Once again, Celestia looked inquisitive.

"So...you were a thief?"

"No."

"Burglar?"

"No."

"Scammer?"

"For the last bloody time, I'm NOT a bloody CRIMI-" Engineer quickly put his hand on Sniper's arm to calm the Australian down. Sniper quickly snapped out of it, realising a few ponies were looking at him in the process of getting up to kick Celestia in the teeth. He cleared his throat, groaned, sat back down, and placed his chin in his hands and stared out of the window into the darkness outside. Slowly, normal table chatter returned to normal, most likely discussing Sniper's minor outburst. For a few moments, the head of the table was silent. Finally, Sniper sighed, and stood up.

"I'll...go for a walk outside then get back to my room." he muttered, making his way to the door. "Erm...I've 'ad a longer day than you might think. I'll see you t'morrow, mates." And without another word, the Australian put his hands in his pockets, and trudged down the hallway to the gardens. The head of the table, ridden of its miserable tumour, began speaking again.

"Wow." Celestia whistled through her teeth. "I...didn't expect him to get that angry. Touchy subject?" Engineer shook his head, before pouring Celestia a glass of champagne.

"Ahhh, it's nothin'." he chuckled, handing her the glass with his mechanical prosthetic. "He says a lot how he feels like the Badlands took him away from somethin' back in Australia, and he gets like that every time someone insults his heritage in some way." Celestia looked more worried.

"I insulted his heritage?" she asked. "I feel awful, now."

"Well, kinda." Engie replied, dusting away his broken glass shards from where he'd just gripped it too hard. "He comes from a country that was lawless, 'til the English folks arrived. They took over almost the entire world, and when they reached Australia, they managed to restore order. That added a few things into the people there, like Cockney slang, almost what the English language was like then. So, uh, you technically did insult his heritage." That only served to make Celestia feel worse, and Luna more intrigued.

"I should go and apologize, then..." Celestia grumbled, before Engineer stopped her with his hand.

"No need for that, Miss." he smiled. "Sniper may be one of the most depressing men I know, but he sure as hell can sort himself out when he gets like this. He'll probably just wander about the gardens, watch the birds, and then go back to his balcony and fire individual shots from his SMG into the distance to vent his anger. Come mornin', he'll be right as rain."

Celestia attempted to look through Engineer's goggles for some form of comfort, but the hard industrial gaze through polarised lenses made it impossible. Sighing with defeat, she nodded, and the servants entered with the dinners.

Sniper had to remain as quiet as possible, lest the small army of Scouts detect him. They were violently smacking the Robo-MeeM, Robo-Pan, and Robo-Sniper, having no effect but a deafening noise from their frying pans. Both Pyros were nowhere to be seen. The endless phrase 'Need a dispenser here' was normally Pyro's signal to barrel around the corner wearing a pair of googly eyes and shoot space energy all over the BLU (or sometimes, most tragically, RED) Scout, Engineer, Sniper (if he was there), and everything Engineer strived so hard to keep working. The only problem with the idea of assuming the Scouts were friendly was that the robots that were being assaulted by pans were on the same team as the Scouts.

Sniper, on the other hand, was not.

So it boiled down to sneaking around the army of teenage robots, getting back to his room, and putting a jar of piss on top of the door, so when it was opened somebody would have a very bad day. Or if they happened to be on fire, he'd save their life. So win-win, if he could actually get to his room.

If he couldn't, that was a hell-of-a-lot of cast-iron skillets that'd come critting down on his skull, and then he had no idea what he'd do. Would he respawn? Maybe, maybe not. It wasn't something he wanted to try, in case it was the latter. Quietly, Sniper began to move his way through the bushes, barely the sound of snapping twigs escaping under his shoes, before he stopped and realised something.

The robots were hitting each other with frying-pans.

Frying pans were so ridiculously loud when they were applied to a living creature that it was a proven fact that it was impossible to hear any other sounds over more than one frying pan being used repeatedly. After thinking for a moment, Sniper shrugged, and all stealth went out the window as he began moving as fast as possible back to his room. As he closed the garden doors behind him before moving back to his room, he thought of what exactly would be going on back home.

RED Spy sat at the desk, legs crossed as he quietly dozed in the intelligence room. The day had been long and arduous, but due to 'unforeseen' circumstances, both teams were told to stop fighting by the Administrator. That never happened, and Spy took it that it meant he should catch up on lost sleep. The gentle beeping of the computers in the room allowed him to drift to sleep, before it was suddenly shattered.

"SPY!" Heavy called. The Frenchman snapped awake, falling less-than-gracefully from his chair and onto the floor. Growling, Spy got up.

"What do you want?" he snarled. Heavy was leaning down the wall of the corridor ahead, looking pretty worried.

"Where are Sniper and Engineer?" he asked. Spy thought.

"I don't know." he muttered, rubbing some tiredness from his eyes as he leaned on the desk in the dark room. "Did they go home?"

"Njet." Heavy replied. "Sniper and Engineer are not our Sniper and Engineer. Are robots." Spy groaned.

"Yes, you only just found that out?" he sighed, making his way over to Heavy so he could go upstairs. "I've known for this whole week."

"Is not possible." Heavy replied gruffly. "Sniper and Engineer are disappear. Robots are upstairs, and stop working because Heavy punch them very hard."

"I think most things stop working if you punch them."

"Njet. Not all things. Some things do not stop working, things die. Like bear."

"Yes, Heavy, you have explained many times how you punched a bear and it exploded from the inside. This makes it your 500th, and I grant you a sandwich coupon." Heavy smiled.

"Thank you!" he cheered loudly, before running up the stairs, tripping, and landing painfully. The steel stairs permanently bent under the weight, before Heavy jumped back up with a strange 'woop' noise, and then running out the door again to go claim his sandvich. Spy facepalmed, carefully going around the bent stairs so as not to fall. If both robots suddenly stop working simultaneously, then obviously they ran out of batteries.

Either that, or some other entity was shutting them down to prepare for something.

The library back in Ponyville was absolutely silent, save the faint ticking of a clock and strange snorting noise from the Spycrab in the basement. Spike had only just finished mopping up what Twilight said was an extreme explosion of...'ketchup', and that happened over 12 hours before. It took a while, but the tiny baby dragon was soon able to rest the mop against the wall, place his claws on his hips, and look proudly over his work. "There!" he said happily. "All done. That musta been one big bottle of ketchup." He looked at the clock on the wall. "Better get the dinner on before Twilight gets back from the Boutique."

Walking down into the basement, Spike was watched inquisitively by the 'Spycrab' Twilight had as a pet. It was more interesting than Owlowisious, due to the fact it would make ridiculous statements when it was alone, agreed with literally everything you said, and had a funny walk. It was also the only one that the Ponyville Adoption Centre didn't come by to pick up, since Princess Twilight personally signed for its ownership. He didn't have a name though, Spike thought as he put the mop away. He stopped, and looked to the creature. It stared back, tilting its head sideways in interest.

"Yes? Ohohohoho." it asked, taking Spike by surprise. The dragon recoiled slightly, before straightening up.

"Uh...hi?" he began, extending a claw to shake. "I-I'm Spike, Twilight's Number One Assistant." The Spycrab stared at the claw in what looked like confusion, before slowly extending its own arm to greet it with a mechanical whir. Then, it gripped Spike's hand incredibly tightly, and slowly shook it up and down.

Spike cringed at the pressure applied to his throbbing claws, but simply grinned and managed to bear it. "What's your name?" he asked once the vice had released his fingers. The Spycrab stared back.

"My name is Mate." it replied. Spike noticed the strange change in speech when it mentioned its name. Ignoring it, he smiled.

"Well, 'Mate', I think we'll get on really fine." Giving a nod, Spike began to head upstairs to begin cooking. However, it was not to be, due to the fact that there was a pair of strange creatures stood in the middle of the library. One was a much bulkier version of Mate, with a much larger pair of arms, stout legs, and smaller head. It was also sporting the top of an umbrella as a hat, strapped to its head via a bandana of sorts, and had a glorious white beard. It seemed to be in a crouched position, 'hands' tucked into its chest and elbows to its ribs as though imitating a bird.

The other one, however, was quite obviously not a robot. It had the same type of flesh as Sniper and Engineer, but no gloves on its hands. It had a red shirt with two small pineapple shaped objects strapped to it, as well as a pair of shoeboxes on its feet. On its head it had a carboard box, crudely cut out in a foal-like interpretation of a generic robots, and what seemed to be two metallic pipes on its arms that wouldn't look out of place in Twilight's lab. What really caught Spike's attention was the fact it was carrying an ancient Crystalese katana sword in one hand rather than the necessary double grip required for accurate function. It actually looked rather daft.

"I AM A ROBOT." it announced in a failed impression of a robot. "I AM HERE TO TAKE AMERICAN JOBS. I AM A ROBOT FROM THE FUTURE." Spike blinked. He'd seen some weird stuff, since one of his closest friends invited Pinkie Pie over a fair bit, but this topped the list. He looked to the other one, folding both arms over and drumming his claws expectantly.

"And you?" he sighed. The genuinely robotic one stared back.

"Poot." it said quickly, before pecking at the floor as though it were a bird of some description. "PootPoot." Spike grumbled something Twilight would have skinned him for saying, before shrugging and going into the kitchen to start cooking.

Camper Tank

Sniper sat on the balcony of his room, overlooking the night-life of the city and this new country. He had put on his hat, Trophy Belt and all, and a set of Tooth-Kickers, both of which he had painted with some red paint to show his worth for his team. Tonight, if he couldn't talk Engie into it, he was going to leave and find his own way home, with or without his friend. He couldn't leave Earth forever. Too much to do. His parents were still there, likely wondering where he was and why he wasn't answering their calls. Plus, he missed his van, and the freedom he was given by driving it. Here, there were so many restrictions placed onto him, Engineer, and the 5 robots following them.

Even the Spycrabs were receiving more respect. Heck, some mare had about 5 following her around the streets below from what he could see, and each one was wearing a fashionable hat. Frowning slightly, and looking at his own hat, Sniper sighed. The red band holding the teeth in was getting frayed, and the fabric of the hat itself was slowly becoming less and less durable. Soon, it'd easily rip open, and then where would he be?

Without his beloved hat from his childhood, obviously. Everyone else laughed at him for wearing a shirt all the time when he was back in Australia, and they jeered at him for not having biceps the size of Bristol. But now who was earning $5,000,000 per year and refusing to spend it? Desmond Mundy, that's bloody who! He chuckled, replacing his hat. The faint sound of a door closing next door meant it was time to go talk Engineer into leaving the palace and joining Sniper in finding a way home. He flicked his legs over the railings he was dangling his legs from over a 1000ft drop from a mountain, and stood on the balcony. Placing his kukri into its sheath, and clutching his rifle with his trusty Sub-Machine Gun strapped to his side, he took one last look out at Equestria, before turning to leave.

Then, he noticed that stood in front of him looking scared was Princess Luna. Likely, she wasn't expecting him to turn around at that moment, and had been silently observing him. Both stared at each other for a few seconds, neither daring to make a move. Luna was scared he might kill her. Sniper was scared he'd be hunted for killing her, but he had no intention to kill her, since she was someone he could understand. She hadn't said much to him, in fact she hadn't said much to ANYBODY he'd seen her speak with, and most of what she said came out sounding miserable.

"Greetings..." Luna coughed, slightly embarrassed as she began to back away. "S-Sniper, was it?"

"Yeah, that's me." he replied calmly. "No reason for you t' be cowering. I'm 'ardly as deadly as Engineer can be at this range." Luna stopped backing away, the blue alicorn cocking her head and eyeing the human.

"From what I remember seeing you put into your back sheath, you have a machete-"

"Kukri." Sniper corrected.

"-Kukri, and from what I gather another weapon in your hands, and yet ANOTHER weapon on your hip. No doubt the 'backpack' Engineer mentioned earlier is carrying a few more weapons for you, so I have reason to be wary." Luna concluded. Sniper groaned and took a seat on the marble railing at the edge of the balcony, and dangled his legs over the huge fall over the edge of the mountain.

"Yeah, I know." Sniper sighed. "I've got nothin' else I can do. Engineer's not wantin' to leave this place, I don't know HOW I can leave this place, and there's a bad feelin' I have that somethin's gonna go wrong soon. I've got me parents, me van, me job, and five million dollars waitin' for me back 'ome, but...I can't go 'ome." Slowly, the blue alicorn of the night made her way to his side, flying up slightly to sit next to him on the balcony rail. He was gazing downwards into the drop below, swinging his legs slightly over the drop.

"You've been away from home before, have you not?" Luna asked him. Sniper nodded silently. "Well, this must be no different."

"Nah, it is different." Sniper muttered. "My parents are still alive, and have no clue why I'm not answering their calls. They must be worried bloody sick; When I did go away from 'ome, it was usually only a few feet. I live in a camper-van, y'see, so my 'ome was on wheels and I could take it where I bloody wanted. Now where am I? Stuck in bloody happy dimension, unable to call me mum and dad, and talkin' to a pony about my problems. I'm a bloody wreck." He then did something Luna did not expect: he removed his sunglasses, placed them in his pocket, and looked straight at Luna. "Look at my eyes, Shiela. Whaddya see?" Luna was taken aback, before genuinely looking into them.

"Um..." she coughed. "I see...a...man who...misses his parents...and...erm...his van and freedom...and doesn't sleep much?" Now Sniper was confused.

"Wait, back up," he interuppted. "'Ow the bloody hell did you know I don't get much sleep?"

"Why, I know all things sleep-related, do all things sleep-related, and see all dreams." the blue alicorn explained. "I could pretty much send you into a deep sleep right now if I wanted to." Sniper blinked.

"N-Nah, Shiela," he replied cautiously, flicking his vision down into the drop. "I'll be good." Luna simply giggled.

"I'm joking." she assured him, placing a hoof on his shoulder which was rapidly brushed off. "Anyway, the point I am attempting to make is that I have seen into your dreams. All of them are the same; death. You hunt, and end up being the hunted to a man in a suit and mask."

"That's a dream 'bout my life, Shiela." he sighed. "My job. My job is to fight for a company. I die. Every. Bloody. Day. It hurts no less to die: sometimes it hurts more. And here? You're all so bloody happy. You have families you can see every day, you love your subjects and they love you, Shiela, and you're all equal." Luna raised a hoof to interject.

"Stallions actually receive 20% less pay than mares, on average. They also receive less respect..." she noted. Sniper's sad gaze made her stop. He looked very depressed without his sunglasses, even if he gave her a small smile to stop her looking so sad.

"Ahh, it's fine, Shiela." he sighed, before casting his eyes to the next balcony. "Wish I knew what Engie was doin'."

"Why don't we go visit him?" Luna suggested, preparing to rise. Sniper stopped her.

"Nah, now might not be the best time, come t' think of it." he chuckled. Then, he gestured for her to be quiet. In the other room, to Luna's absolute horror, was the unmistakeable sound of her sister.

And Engineer.

In bed.

Sniper was shocked as well. "Me best mate..." he murmured. "Bloody ponies." Luna looked at him. He was still sat looking down over the edge, sunglasses tucked in his pocket. Beside him was his rifle, bearing dents and lacerations of all types. On the side of the stock, small, barely visible lines tallied kills on animals. Her own moon shone the Australian in a different light than that of the day: it seemed as though he was born for the night. Moonlight reflected from the metal toe-caps of his boots and onto the wall behind him.

Suddenly, there was a major flash beneath them. It shook the castle, almost knocking Sniper from his perch and Luna from the same one. The Australian looked down, and narrowed his eyes at the new target. Quite clearly, it was carrying a bomb. Keeping balance, Sniper growled, grabbed his weapons, and put his sunglasses on. Then, he jumped up onto the banister that served as the edge of a 1000ft drop. Luna was about to grab him and pull him back to his senses, but was stopped by Sniper's sudden burst of athleticism. He ran forward, throwing his rifle to the other balcony as he went, and leaped over the 7 metre gap, grabbing the balcony rail on the other side. After some grunting, he managed to tug himself up and onto the ledge, rolling over the rail and landing on all fours on the other side. He then stood up, raised a leg, and busted down the locks to the room his friend was inside.

Luna had no clue what happened, deciding her only option was to fly the gap and see what he was doing. Quickly, the deep blue alicorn spread her wings and flew the short gap, landing just in time to hear Sniper yelling;

'Stop muckin' about, and HELP ME STOP THE TANK!'

Camper-Tram

Engineer remained absolutely silent as he set up a sentry in the hallway as fast as he could. Sniper had gone the other way down the hall, and refused to speak to Engineer without shouting orders at him, there was a tank judged to be headed towards the Palace Well, and there was also the fact that he had built a sentry before a dispenser. Mentally slapping himself, he upgraded the small, Level 1 sentry with the seventy pieces of metal he had available, before looking around quickly for a new source of metal. That's when he noticed the metal statue of Blueblood's head behind him, and grinned. "Waste a' good metal, otherwise!" laughed the Texan, before violently swinging his wrench at the statue and breaking it into pieces. He received a few handfuls of metal, which, if he were to bother counting the scraps, would have added up to about 70.

Back where he'd started.

Damn.

The tank could be heard rumbling down the hall from a distance, the sound of an SMG firing away also ringing out loudly as the Sniper yelled. They were running out of time! There was only so much that Sniper's SMG, rifle, and machete could do to a 5 tonne hunk of mobilised metal containing a large, high-yield explosive device. A Level 1 sentry was also only so much better than the Sniper's SMG, so the fact that the tank was still relatively far from the sentry would give him enough time to go and remove the helmet from a nearby guard that was looking at the Texan, waiting for him to make an error. He didn't care about the statue, but the fact that he was approaching the guard was worrying indeed.

"Emergency, Mister, I need y'all t' hand over yer helmet!" Engineer said quickly, looking back down the hall at the approaching tank. Sniper was now in view, riding on top of it and stabbing at the bolts on top to try and remove the cover on the vehicle. The Guard, not knowing what else to do, nodded, and levitated off his beloved helmet. Engineer smiled, and chucked it over to his sentry. "Much obliged, pardner! Y'all'd best be goin' off and warnin' everybody in the palace about this, and send whatever y'all have to help us stop it! Get goin'!" The guard saluted, and immediately galloped away to the Guest chambers. Meanwhile, Engineer was running back to his Sentry, grabbing another statue of some other Noble and smashing that. It issued him with a slight more metal than the Blueblood statue, allowing him to build a dispenser. Quickly, he pulled out his PDA, clacked out the usual combination, and let the toolbox hit the floor where it landed. A dispenser began to build, Engineer alternating between sweeping up the remaining metal from the broken statue and helmet, and use that to upgrade his sentry and hit his dispenser, causing the build systems to glitch temporarily to speed up the build process.

By the time his Sentry had reached Level 2, the Tank was within range, and the deafening sound of double gatling guns rang out, echoing down the hall as ponies ran for their lives from the approaching metal beast. They'd seen the Tanks roaming the halls of Canterlot, almost calmly stopping when somepony was in the way and patiently allowing them to move as they trundled along, but this one seemed...intent. So intent, in fact, that the whole castle was being evacuated for a bomb threat. Of course, that meant that Sniper and Engineer, the two least damaging classes at close range, were going to have to attempt to destroy the tank by themselves, but what would the consequences be for failure?

Execution? Imprisonment? Exile? Sniper would like the last one. Would never have to come back to Equestria.

Engineer'd hate it, especially when he and Celestia...hmm.

He'd just have to try twice as hard.

Sniper was yelling at the top of his lungs as he battered the small, moving screen at the top of the Tank. The vehicle was showing signs of damage now; with the continual bombardment of the sentry's missiles, machine guns, rifle bullets, Sub-machine gun bullets, and Kukri impacts had knocked off one of the tread covers and removed most of the paint. However, the chimney was still smoking, and if that was still smoking, the tank was still moving, and if the tank was still moving, they had a problem. It'd been determined that the bomb would drop in the Palace Well, sealed off years ago with a security glass cover to make sure nobody fell in. It led to the caves beneath the palace and the city, meaning one detonation of the bomb could destroy the entire city. And that also mean that if Sniper and Engineer were unable to stop the bomb, they were in a whole piss-jar of trouble. Sniper put more force into all of the swings he was taking than he ever had done when he was attacking BLU Spy, and the most recent of his swings had removed the glass shield from the sensor on the top of the vehicle. Taking one final swing at the sensor casing, the blue line moving along the screen beginning to glitch, he yelled loudly and plunged his machete directly into the camera on board, having immediate effects.

The Tank emitted a loud siren noise, a strange addition made by whoever built it, and began to swerve around the hall, picking up speed. Sniper found it a sudden struggle to keep his grip, grabbing onto one of the many holes and lacerations he had made in the vehicle to stop himself from falling under the wheels. The damaged metal was threatening to rip through his fingers if he didn't make his way back up. Putting his Kukri inbetween his teeth, he growled and grabbed onto the edge of the vehicle and gave a sharp tug. It dug into his left fingers, blood beginning to seep from his hands onto the Tank's damaged blue paint, until he was finally able to yank himself back onto the top of the metal beast. It was still veering erratically, moving at a much higher pace than it had been originally. To ensure himself that he wouldn't fall off, he took his weapon from his mouth, and plunged the blade into a patch of damaged steel. From there he clutched it with both hands, sliding about the top of the vehicle but never letting go, until he turned to Engineer, rapidly moving into the distant corridor. He was already packing up his equipment and beginning to run after the Tank, Dispenser carried on his shoulder as he ran at speed after the tank.

"Engie!" Sniper called urgently. "Move your nest into the gardens! Get movin'!" Without question, the Texan nodded and halted , backpedalling slightly to a door nearby that Sniper knew headed to the gardens. In the middle was the well: effectively, the bomb site. A whole city was in their hands now, and Sniper now had to destroy the tank as much as possible until it reached the gardens.

>_DAMAGE LEVELS CRITICAL_<

>_EVASION PROTOCOLS ACTIVE_<

>_ERROR 404: HOSTILE STILL ATTACHED_<

>_SENSORS OFFLINE. CONTINUING PREDETERMINED ROUTE_<

>_FRIENDLY FORCES DETECTED: UNIT DEM0PAN.EXE, UNIT SN01P3H 9678, UNIT P4R0 749, UNIT P4R0 750, UNIT M33M 1086. ATTEMPTING COMMUNICATION_<

>_WARNING: UNEXPECTED COMMUNICATIONS ERROR. WINDOWS WILL TERMINATE THE PROGRAM AND SEND ERROR REPORT TO GRAY MANN. HAIL THE CREATOR_<

Celestia and Luna galloped out of the palace under escort. Surrounding them was a small company of guards, and lagging behind were the five robots. The Sniper robot was the slowest, almost walking along as ponies screamed and ran past. The other robots were moving only a tad faster, trundling along and staring at everything they saw going past. Both Princesses had decided to bring them to the carriage, to ensure their safety and that they wouldn't do something foolish whilst left alone. "Sister, forget about them!" Celestia ushered Luna forward. "We can teleport them to the cart when we get there! Just keep going!" Luna was desperate to go back for Sniper and Engineer. It would have been so much easier to simply use magic and flip the tank upside down, but that wouldn't end well if the bomb would detonate when the vehicle flipped. So the best hope to not endanger anypony was to evacuate Canterlot. Guards lined up outside the carriage to ensure the Princesses were safe as they entered, and make sure the robots arrived too, but they had trouble with the second part.

The only robot to follow the Princesses all the way was the Sniper, who had clearly not noticed the other robots running back to Sniper and Engineer to help them. Luna panicked, and almost left the carriage to stop them, help even, but was stopped by Celestia's hoof. She looked at her sister in shock. "It's for the best, sister." Celestia sighed sadly, and guided Luna to the chair. She gave her sister a warm hug, both hoping their warriors could defend the city successfully now they had help.

Almost out of nowhere, there came a mechanical yell and the sound of a frying pan from in front of the tank, causing Sniper to look down at what was happening, and smiling when he realised what was happening. The robots that had followed he and Engineer around so aimlessly were helping to destroy one of their own. The Pyrobots were running alongside, spraying napalm all over the tank and causing massive, prolonged damage, the Demopan robot was crashing his mighty cooking utensil with as much force as possible into the grille of the tank smashing the vent inwards to cause an overheat of the engine, and the MeeMbot was following the Last Breath and Bill's Pyrobot, charging up an über with its until-then almost unused medigun. Morale boosted, Sniper stood on top of the tank, dropping down to the ground with a commando roll as it swerved around a corner, then grabbing some fallen pieces of metal and allowing the small gizmo Engineer made for the whole team get to work. The device, quite simply, smelted bits of metal from all sources and converted them into ammunition of all types, allowing easy ammunition refill on the battlefield. All of the team had one, making Heavy just that bit more deadly when he could pretty much never run out of bullets.

Loading the newly created rounds into his SMG and Sniper Rifle, Sniper whipped out the small machine pistol and began firing at the treads, just as the Tank ploughed through the doors to the garden. The robots clanked alongside the vehicle, spraying it with fire, healing the other damage-doers, and smashing it with pans, while Sniper tracked behind, attacking the engine to slow it down. The hatch was not even 100 metres away! Frantically, Sniper sprinted ahead of the tank, and looked for Engie's sentry nest. Thankfully, when he found the Texan not even a metre from the hole, his whole set up was level three, allowing it to dish out a whole new level of destruction. The tank came into range, and the mechanical opponent began to fire bullets and small rockets at the vehicle, clanging against the metal plating of the Tank. Demopan had moved to the top of the vehicle, smacking the hole where the sensor used to be very violently, so violently that the Tank began to emit blue sparks.

The Sentry was firing away loudly, until suddenly it turned away from the Tank. Confused and panicked, Engineer and Sniper turned to see their worst nightmare as non-Demos, Pyros, or Heavies.

Approaching from all directions and clutching all types of melee weapons was an army of Scouts, all randomly swinging and either causing collateral damage to themselves via the bleeding on the Boston Basher reproduction many carried, or each other, with the huge, whole-armed swings of the regular bat. However, no matter what was being hit, it was distracting the Sentry, and allowing the Tank to get ever closer. Engineer looked to Sniper. "Y'all get the tank, I'll deal with this little bastards!" he shouted over the hundreds of 'bonk' shouting Boston-Bots. Sniper nodded, and looked back to the tank.

It was slowing down as it got to the hatch, top compartment struggling to open due to massive dents, before finally scraping open. Inside was a perfectly untouched red-and-white checkered object, but Sniper already knew it was a bomb. Not knowing what else he could do, he whipped out his rifle, zoomed on the inside of the tank, and looked for the briefest moment for a weak-spot. The bomb was making a microwave sound, and R.

One shot, Desmond! Nail the wanker!

Sniper pulled the trigger as the bomb began to drop, and everything went black.

The last thing the Australian felt was him cartwheeling through the air and landing hard on the floor.

Author's Note

Well, here ya go.

Camper Mann

Sniper winced as he woke up. There was a deep, throbbing pain all over his body, and moving felt like being backstabbed in the chest when Spy was lucky enought to hit an artery. Above him, there was a blurred ceiling, made out of small square panels and there was a quiet bleep carrying through the room's empty air. His feet felt almost naked, as the comforting weight of his boots was no longer there and the comfortable band of his hat was gone. He wasn't lying outside, at least.

That was a sign it was his lucky day.

Grumbling quietly, he fought through the burning sensation that was like Pyro setting him alight when he had his Bushwacka on him (Strangely, more painful than physics should have allowed), and propped himself up. This was when he realised that he was not, as he had hoped, waking up after one of Medic's surgeries and would find Medic sorting his Doves. Unfortunately for the depressing Australian, he was still in Equestria. This was not something he wanted to see, and especially not with about 40 different balloons at the other side of the room saying 'Get Well Soon' and 'Thank You', and the small fold-up tables that were covered in cards of all types. Frowning, he reached a hand up to rub his face, and found he couldn't; instead, there was a certain point where he found himself restrained by a tugging. Looking down, he noticed he was wearing only his shirt and trousers, he did not fit the bed, and that there were several pipes connected to his arm from the machines by his bedside.

"Life support, bloody useless..." he sighed, reclining back in his bed. In boredom, he rolled his head to the right, to see what was out the window. Immediately, he was greeted by the blinding rays of burning sunlight pouring through the window. It felt warm on his face, and he almost smiled.

Almost.

Muttering some words it'd be preferable for this story's rating that they were kept silent, Sniper rolled over again, however forgetting the pipes connected to his arm. That was getting annoying. Now, any non-psychologically unstable mercenary would have probably called for a Nurse to ask in a formal tone as to when he could get such pipes removed. But Sniper was probably the second best and third most dangerous man he knew, so he simply grabbed one of the pipes stuck to his bicep and simply ripped it off. The normally obscenely painful experience of pulling a patch with needle from your arm was nearly impossible for Sniper to feel; He'd had to explain to several ponies why being hit by an apple, scooter, or such other painful object didn't hurt via the use of referencing the weapons he had the displeasure of being hit with. The moment he unplugged it, the bleeping of the heart monitor ceased, being instantly replaced with a long, drawn out whine as the heart monitor's screen replaced with a flat green line. Immediately, in the corridor outside, there were quiet panicked voices, and the sound of hooves galloping in the direction of the room.

"Ah, piss." Sniper muttered. This was the moment that there entered several ponies, all wearing medical uniforms of some description, and all carrying surgical tools. He was almost absolutely 100% certain that one of them would have a German accent. Absolutely certain. He had never assumed something more in his life, not even that time when he assumed that the Administrator was Jewish and vented her anger over the atrocities against her religion in World War 2 on the two teams. Mostly Medic, for his nationality and shady past. All Sniper knew was that his morbid curiosity seemed to have the interesting side effect of restoring people to full health and dove-sanctuary status. This, unfortunately, was not what these ponies wanted. If he was honest with himself, he was actually quite concerned what they planned to do to him with that meaty Bonesaw one of them was carrying. In response to their entry, he ignored all the pain, and rolled from the bed onto his feet. It was a lot more painful than expected, but he still managed to land on all fours and stagger his way onto two legs.

"Oi!" he said angrily, standing against the wall and looking over the doctors. All were rather saddened by the lack of action, and the one catching Sniper's eye, a white mare with pink hair tied in a bun, looked quite adorable with a massive syringe hung limply from her teeth and a sad facial expression*. "I'm awake, for God's sakes! Don't look at me like that, Wankers. No. No surgery for you today, ya bloody whackjobs."

Just then, the doors swung open, revealing Engineer followed urgently by Princesses Luna, Celestia, and Twilight. Immediately, all the ponies in the room bowed curtly for the monarchs, smiling at Engineer as they did so. The Texan put his hands on his hips. "What in the Sam hell's goin' on in he-?" Just then, he caught eyes on Sniper, and his smile returned. "Sniper!" he beamed. "Thank Gabe you're alright. Thought y'all bit it in that explosion!" Celestia leaned over to Luna.

"Who's Gabe?" she whispered to her sister. Luna just shrugged.

"Explosion?" Sniper asked, sitting at the edge of his bed and putting on and strapping up his boots that were left under his bed. "The bloody hell exploded?"

"The Tank." Engineer replied calmly, going over to the hatstand and removing Sniper's slouch. Then, he put it down on the bed beside Sniper as he resumed explaining what happened. "Before it got t' the hatch, a whole bunch a' Scouts appeared, and distracted my Sentry. So, just as the Tank was droppin' it's bomb, you blind fired into its systems, and made it go boom. Celestia took that moment to teleport us all out, because she was scared of the bomb killin' us, but she couldn't lock onto you when you went flyin'. We...also lost one of the Pyro-Bots. The one with the Birdcage on its head was caught in the blast, an' there was nothin' left to lock onto besides his exhaust pipe."

"Bloody shame." Sniper replied calmly, donning his hat and beginning to look for his rifle. He looked confused. "Where's my gun? Hell, where's my damn backpack?!" Engineer rolled his eyes behind his lenses.

"They wanted some o' your stuff to test with, since that's what most of the robots are carryin'," Engie explained. "I think they asked for one o' your fancy bows, a couple a' shotguns, that Revolver y'all got in a box and never gave to Spy-"

"Because I hate the bastard." Sniper cut him off. "And you didn't think to wait until I was, I don't know, awake to take this stuff?"

"Well, 'pparently not." Sniper emitted his strange growling noise he makes all the time** and slipped his sunglasses on. Celestia looked curiously at him.

"Mr. Sniper, you are inside." she stated, expecting him to care. He stopped, and looked her in the eyes with an unamused expression.

"Miss Celestia, I don't bloody care." he shot back, before walking out of the room on his own. Engineer looked at Celestia and shrugged.

"Didn't even read any of his cards." he whistled, looking at the table of thanks.

"Didn't even say anything to me." Luna sighed. Engineer just chuckled, and put a hand on her shoulder.

"Princess, if Sniper says anythin' to his own team we'd be lucky. He doesn't say much, 'xcept shout things that'd either help us or make us cover our ears. He does have pretty bad days, and those are the days he pretty much slaps us to get us to work." Luna considered this as all three ponies and their Texan companion.left the room, following the tall Australian via his trail of ponies asking 'what the buck is his problem?'.

"Well," she began, "I suppose it'd be good for morale...a good slap would get most things working back in the day."

"It was because a' this habit I first met Sniper." Engineer sighed, remembering that problematic first day in Teufort.

Dell Conagher was ecstatic. He was on his way to one of the most exciting new jobs he ever could've hoped for: a Mercenary! And one where they would respect his contraptions no less! These were men like him, and he was to be part of a 'band of brothers with bonds so strong not even the strongest of blades could cut them'. Swinging his legs calmly over the edge of the seat on the empty bus, he looked out of the window. The bus was beginning to approach a pair of buildings directly opposite each other, and he could tell that there was a strong contrast between the two sides of the small river between the two buildings. In the middle of the river was a sheltered bridge, made of old red metal and the occasional patch of corrugated iron to shield it from the elements, with wooden support beams and a wooden floor. On the 'red' side of the bridge, there was what appeared to be a grain-processing facility of some description, with a few boxes out front, a balcony with a few windows, and two doors flanking opposite sides of the building front. The other building, the 'blue' building, seemed to bear exactly the same layout in the front; balcony, windows, boxes, doors, and behind it was a massive warehouse, with much more modern grain silos.

Dell frowned. He was here to work as a Mercenary, not a farmer. Why would two supposedly 'opposing forces' build bases directly opposite each other? That was something he'd never understand. But he was happy that his devices and doohickeys would be respected in some way. So, not willing to question it, the bus pulled up at the gates outside. After throwing the bus driver his fare, Dell flipped the coins he owed into the man's hand, bid him goodbye, and stepped off the bus into the Teufort sun.

The moment the bus engine died as it drove away into the distance, his ears picked up on yelling inside the red building. That was also the building he had to go into. Cautiously, Engineer tightened the straps on his backpack, and pulled out the pistol he stashed in his pocket. Then, he finally began to creep into the building. The yells became louder, and in the middle of them, cries of pain became apparent. Maybe the enemy team had tried to get in, and both teams were having a tense standoff? Engineer wanted to be part of that! Excitedly, he gripped his pistol tighter and dumped his backpack at the foot of a staircase leading up to a level of wood overlooking a small courtyard, with a doorway leading to where the source of the commotion was. Slipping himself to one side of the doorway and raising his pistol, Dell prepared to sweep in and fire on anybody that fires back at him. The yelling was more audible now.

"Mr Drivenchcko," a French accented man called over. "Calm yourself, my friend, he didn't mean anything!"

"Tiny coward!" roared a Russian in response. "I will crush you! Never touch my gun! DO NOT TOUCH SASCHA!" Away from that voice, near the cries of pain, there were more voices.

"My bloody leg!" screamed an Australian. Dell couldn't see in the room, but he was already making assumptions as to what had happened. "He broke my bloody leg! It's killing me! Help me!" Meanwhile, there was a German-accented voice trying to calm him down.

"Meine freunde, do not move it!" cried the other man. "You will only further your pain!" Deciding it was not the best thing to remain hidden, he ran into the room to be greeted by a bad sight as the immediate reaction of everybody in the room was to pull weapons and aim them in the direction of the stout Texan. The variety of people in the room caught him off guard; aiming a small handgun at him from across the room was a small teenager, looking to be less than 25 years old. He was wearing a black duty cap, dog-tags, and headset, as well as trainers, long socks, black trousers, and a simple red t-shirt, with bandages wrapped around his hands. Directly next to him was somebody who appeared to be a brick wall with a shotgun and a huge bandolier of massive cartridges of ammuniton. He was bald, and had short legs, compared to his massive body and ape-like arms. Barely even up to his chest was a man in a suit and ski-mask pointing a revolver at him. Dell had this horrible feeling he'd have difficult relations with that guy. He seemed...off.

Opposite the room was the man in pain; a tall Australian, lying on a wooden bench with a slouch hat lying by his head and his right leg bent at a horrifying angle. He had a pair of sunglasses perched at his fringe, and he was being tended to by a man in a lab coat with a small pair of glasses. "Who the hell are you?" asked the teenager, not moving his aim from Dell's head. He noticed a Bostonite accent immediately.

"Y'all're meant to be my team?" Engineer frowned. "Hell, you fellas can barely stay in the same room without tryin' t' kill each other! The Sam hell're you thinkin'?! We're here t' kill the other fellas over the bridge, not the fellas on our side a' the bridge!" The 6 men in the room, minus a certain gas-masked Sentry-Buddy, all stopped and looked at each other. Sniper was still coughing up small amounts of blood at the pain his body was experiencing, and only he didn't care. His leg was bloody broken.

This was when Engineer realised they'd REALLY need to get working on putting some Team in the Fortress, and for the second time in his family history, he was going to have to take charge of a group of incoherent psychopaths.

"You certainly have a large amount of courage for being willing to step up like that." Celestia smiled as she, her sister, and Engineer approached the desk, but stayed a distance from Sniper. He was, at that point, engaged in a rather agressive argument with the receptionist, yelling at the brown, white maned mare to let him have the Shotgun that Engineer left him. Her argument was that he was too dangerous to allow him to have it in public, so Sniper then demanded to have his Kukri by using a string of expletives and drumming his fingers on the desk in a menacing manner.

"I have courage for standing within a 40 Metre radius of Sniper for more than a few minutes." Engineer replied. "Hell, if I'm within 5 miles o' the guy, he'd bust my head open if he didn't like me much. Y'all're lucky t' be a friend o' mine." Celestia shifted uneasily, but kept her grin as the paparazzi surrounded her and Engineer to get information on the 'Terrorist Attack' on Canterlot Palace.

And for the first time in a while, the receptionist realised just how much she needed to invest in Self-Assertion Courses.

Author's Note

* She always looks adorably depressed. It's absolutely adorable. And depressing.
** http://wiki.teamfortress.com/w/images/d/d8/Sniper_autodejectedtie03.wav?t=20100625222330 <-- One does not simply link a sound in text using a phone.

Camper Buster

"Well," Spy coughed, waving a gloved hand in front of his face and spitting out his cigarette to clear smoke from his lungs after the blast, "That certainly was NOT something the repulsive Bushman and Cowboy would do." The 15 Mercenaries gathered, both RED and BLU, were having their usual discussion of matters to hand when the RED Sniper and RED Engineer decided to yell loudly, spin their heads around, and explode in mighty balls of flame and smoke. Needless to say, that caused reasonable distress to both teams, and lowered both Spies, Scouts, the BLU Sniper, and both Medics to around half their normal 'I'm OK' levels of feeling.

"It was unexpected, and that will not be tolerated from those two!" BLU Soldier yelled, stepping forward agressively and pointing at the pile of clearly human parts lying around piles of what was clearly not metal bolts and oil. "YOU ARE FOR DEFENSE OF YOUR INTELLIGENCE! YOU ARE NOT FOR SURPRISING PEOPLE! STOP BEING UNIQUE IN YOUR ROLES!" The response was absolute silence from the two human corpses that were not on fire nor were they leaking oil. BLU Engineer wiped the soot from his goggles, and stepped forward.

"Solly," he asked, "Y'all mind if I take a quick peek at these fellas? I kinda wanna check somethin'." Soldier just made an ambiguous grunt sound, still trying to force twenty-one shotgun shells into his weapon. "Thanks, mister." Engineer muttered, before crouching in front of the RED Engineer's recently exploded head. He picked it up in his crouched position, rotating it slightly to check it from all angles. Then he picked it up and went over to RED Medic, who was still trying to comfort Archimedes. The white dove was looking around the room frantically, still suffering PTSD from the one time Heavy's left ventricle slammed into him and chucked him into the scalpel drawer. "Doc, y'all're the expert on injuries, right?" Engie asked him. The German looked back, still stroking Archimedes.

"Ja, I am ze Medic, after all." Medic chuckled. "Why? Is zere a problem wiz ze corpses?"

"Isn't there a damn problem?" Engie replied. "Why the sam hell is Engie's ear full of microphones and his teeth? In fact, why does he have teeth in his ear in the first place?" Medic seemed to be considering this, with Archimedes moving to his shoulder, his finger moving to his chin and resting on his elbow.

"Well," Medic began. "I suppose I should enlighten you about my...'experiment' with Mr. Conagher here when I was fitting him with Übercharge capability. It all began when we both decided that the human ear could do with some improvement and zat Wisdom teeth were a pointless idea..." Suddenly, Spy spoke up from across the room.

"Would someone CARE to tell me where the hell Soldier is?!" he cried. Everybody then went absolute stark silent in the horror that nobody was watching where RED Soldier was, and that he was going to try thinking for himself.

Soldier was as quiet as can be as he infiltrated the huge palace. It was about 8 o' clock in the evening, so all of the robots must be refueling and recharging. Nobody else could make such an advanced structure without human help. This was uncharted territory, and by God, Soldier was going to take it all in the name of Uncle Sam! He would shove so many American flags up robot asses it would be uncountable and he would probably run out of flags! For the mission at hand, he had put on the stealthiest clothes he could; the mass of wires he taped to his helmet that Mann Co. called the 'Cross-Comm Crash Helmet Addition' was sat on his normal helmet for maximum skill boosts, a pair of Mantreads so he could stomp some robot maggots were weightily weighing down his legs, his obligatory Buff Banner so he could break everything was strapped to his back, and his trusty Market Gardener had its head folded down and it was hung from his Buff pack. In his hands, he was carrying one of Mann Co's deadliest weapons; The Direct Hit.

Given to him when he first fired two of the glowy rockets in a row, he found it lying on a table in his apartment with a letter saying 'Go get him - Helen''. Soldier had no idea who 'Helen' was, but he greatly enjoyed the use of his new rocket launcher. The projectiles went much faster, but with a smaller explosion, and pretty much anything that was hit directly with it was thrown backwards into a wall and pelted with shrapnel. Unfortunately, the BLU Soldier was given one as well, which meant he was evenly matched, but it was surprisingly rare to see BLU Soldier actually using a real rocket launcher. Most of the time he had his Rocket Jumper, Market Gardener, and Shotgun instead of the usual weapons RED Soldier carried. This eventually became a surpringly effective tactic, considering how many times BLU Soldier had managed to land on Medic when he was healing Scout after an explosion, smashed his German teeth down his throat with a ludicrous amount of force, before whipping out his shotgun and blasting a hole in Scout's chest. It was funny the first few times, then it got serious when Soldier himself was swatted out of the sky by the Mighty Market.

Keeping his memories out of the way for the matter at hand, Soldier got outside the castle wall, made sure nobody was looking, and launched himself up the wall in an amazing show of stealth that involved a few explosives. Once secure, the castle wall was completely clear. Nobody there, not a guard, not a knight. "What kind of military is this?" Soldier muttered. He knew all about the military because ~~he read a lot of books about it and had to buy his own ticket to Europe because they wouldn't let him in~~ he was a grizzled old war dog. He'd trained ~~young girls in the needless art of shovel combat to be used on Nazis~~ fresh-faced recruits to become the greatest soldiers in the world, for God's sake, he knew EXACTLY how easily this monarchy could topple! All it took was an undefended wall!

Suddenly, he realised that he should have been moving along a few minutes ago rather than playing his inner monologue to himself accompanied by triumphant and totally not generic military music for the past 7 minutes. Groaning, Soldier got up from his one knee, keeping his launcher hefted and loaded, and began to run in the direction of the one room in the palace where there was a massive window with light coming from it.

The celebratory party was in full swing. The band, lead by the famed Octavia, played some of the finest celebration music Equestria had ever written, and nobles, regular street citizens, and even the Elements were having the time of their lives, dancing, laughing, talking, all kinds of celebratory things. Engineer was right in the middle of it, talking with Twilight and a few other mares about whatever they asked for. And Sniper...was being Sniper. He was stood in the corner with a bottle of beer, completely against the doctor's reccomendations, and quietly muttering things to himself. He didn't really want to be here.

As if that wasn't obvious.

If a normal person goes to a party, they relinquish all weapons, they put on their finest clothes, they do their best to look like they care! Engineer had done just that; h'd put on his 70's Chapeau cap, sunglasses on, and put on a clean white shit with a bow tie underneath his overalls. He left his shotgun, Luger, and wrench in his room, and was having a great time, meeting new ponies and talking to those he knew. Sniper did the exact opposite; he was wearing exactly what he wore since the Tank attacked, with his beloved red Trophy Belt and red Tooth Kickers still bearing some blackening from the blast, his vest was slightly ripped and frayed in places, his sunglasses still had the smallest of cracks in them, and since he couldn't get hold of his rifle just yet, he had his Kukri, SMG, and the Shotgun Engie gave him. Nopony really wanted to risk talking to him, since they assumed he was a mass murderer with a fine eye for people a few miles away, but if they actually broke through the hard exterior they might realise he was a good guy overall.

Princess Luna had succeeded in that; both had spent a few hours earlier grumbling about quite a lot of things. Hospital food, and how bad it was, Castle food, and how that always took forever, how their closest companions were cheerful all the time and had slept together, everything. In fact, they both wondered, quietly, if they were the versions of each other in different dimensions. Same personality, but one was red and the other blue, one was royalty and the other was...well, not, one was a talking horse and the other was a quiet man (sometimes), and most noticeably, both were always scowling.

But since Princess Luna was late for the party or whatever it was supposed to be, nobody believed their head was worth trying to speak to Sniper. Finally, after a few minutes of mumbling to himself, Celestia rolled her eyes, still smiling, and extended a hoof. Sniper just stared at this strange gesture. What could it mean? Was she showing him something? Was she showing someone else him? Wha-?

"Come on, Sniper, enjoy yourself!" she called over. "It is a party celebrating your act of valor!" Sniper responded with a head shake. He didn't think it was right to celebrate himself. It just seemed...gloaty. Plus, nobody ever celebrated Mercenaries. It was stupid. They killed, they blew things up, they killed by blowing things up, and usually the thing exploding was something very important to people since it was normally a fuel line, food supply, or orphanage. The 18 RED and BLU Mercenaries were some of the most hated and feared people in America, specifically Teufort. Celebrating them was like celebrating General Rommel, famous for his job of personally punching down every single expensive art gallery in France, or it was like celebrating Tom Jones, whose singing had busted open more ears than any other.

Celestia just looked at Sniper and sighed sadly. She then turned to Engineer. "He really isn't one for having fun, is he?" she asked. Engineer just shook his head.

"Well, no, not really." the Texan replied. "Personally, I think it's just because he likes keeping an eye on everything, and doesn't want to be distracted. He has really good eyesight, y'know."

"Example?" Celestia asked, raising a brow. Engineer, quite calmly, leaned slightly in the direction of Sniper.

"Sniper, how many robot Spies are in this room?" Engie asked.

Within a half second, he had his reply. "8. There's 9 of the same mare walkin' around, and all within a 7 foot radius of the original. Spies, bloody useless." grunted the Australian. Engineer turned back to Celestia, who was rather impressed.

"Hmm. He does have good eyes." she murmured. She was considering asking him how many glasses of wine were there at the start of the party, but she suddenly noticed him looking at the large window at the back of the room and frowning. He out his bottle down, held his SMG in his right hand, and was drawing his Kukri. "He's getting weapons out. I think something's wrong." Engineer's ears almost pricked up.

"Sniper's probably right." he said quickly. "Listen. The floor's shakin'." Celestia noticed he was right; there was a faint, but booming sound reverberating through the ground. A few ponies noticed it at first, then it gradually became much worse as everybody, even the band, stopped. Panic began setting in through the room, and Celestia knew ponies would eventually turn to either her, Sniper, the robots, or Engineer to see if they knew what was happening. Engineer was already dashing out of the room to get weapons and equipment, the robots didn't seem to really be doing much outside of continuously making ridiculous statements including 'The Medic is a Medic', and she had no clue what was going on.

For once, it seemed as though Sniper was the best option for looking to for guidance. The Australian was walking slowly through the crowd, SMG pointed up as though he were ready for something, and his Kukri was held at his hip in a ready position. He was still glaring at the window, as though there were something there. And suddenly, the shaking stopped. The whole room went deathly silent.

Then, two bright blue lights appeared outside of the window, and a massive metallic fist plowed through the glass, sending the room into panic as ponies ran from the metal monster. As the room emptied, the robots quickly grasped what was happening and got ready for it; The Robo-Medic began quickly healing all of the other robots and Sniper, getting an Übercharge prepared, Demopan pulled out a Grenade Launcher (Which surprised everybody except him), the remaining Pyro-bot lit up his flamethrower, and Sniper readied himself.

Finally, the giant robot retracted its arm, and smashed the wall beneath the window down. Rubble flew everywhere, and a thick dust cloud filled the air. And in through that cloud, a Giant Heavy stomped into the room, wearing a massive metal shield on one shoulder and a horned iron helmet. It had a huge pair of steel fists, and a strap of leather over its chest that held a hulking shotgun in place on its back. And beneath the iron helmet, there was the face of a beast, bearing the Steel Jaw of Summer Fun. Slowly, it grated its mouth open, and held it there as it spoke. "HEAVY IS MADE OF SUGAR PLUMS." it boomed loudly, shaking the room. "DO YOU WISH FOR HEAVY TO KILL YOU? WISH GRANTED."

And with that, it began to advance forward, openly accepting every bullet that it received.

Camper Mann

Sniper rolled back suddenly, narrowly avoiding the Giant Heavy's metal foot that threatened to crush him with ease. Stone work smashed into powder as the ground shook thunderously, throwing Sniper further off balance as he attempted to get back on his feet. The hissing of pistons was heard whilst the Heavy retracted its heavy foot, giving nearly no indication that the bullets were affecting it. The small SMG bullets from Sniper pinged harmlessly from its heavier armour plating, instead ricocheting off and hitting the walls and ceiling to send masonry tumbling down. Decorations were already caked in dust as the Giant Heavy began to advance towards the Demopan that had broken off from the RoboMeeM and Pyrobot to draw the behemoth's attention. Slowly, the Giant Heavy stomped after Demopan, pounding its metal fists together.

"I AM PRETTY PRINCESS," it boomed matter-of-factly as it stomped onto a table of wine. Demopan took this moment to launch a pipebomb at it. The small explosive sailed through the air with all the grace of a pound of potassium chlorate and crossed wire, with the errant twitch coming in the form of impact against the Heavy. The explosion shook the room only a slight less than one of the hulking behemoth's footsteps, staggering it slightly and causing it to drop to one knee, clutching the shoulder that had been impacted. A few sparks flew from the metal plating guarding its arm motors, and the steel was visibly dented and blackened.

However, instead of firing off another shot, the Demopan's faulty Taunt Processor immediately suggested for it to taunt. In an almost nonchalant way, the afro-sporting robot grabbed its crotch flap, and raised it up to reveal a small LCD screen displaying ':)'. Sniper was almost tempted to chuckle, but the temptation was overriden as he ran up to Demopan, diving and shoving him out of the way just as the Giant Heavy's fist came slamming down where the robot had once been stood and smashing countless more solid marble tiles like tinfoil.

"Good work!" the RoboMeeM encouraged, raising a thumb. Sniper quickly rolled to his feet, and drew his Kukri. Eyeing over the robot, he could see that the pipebomb had ripped open some armour that was protecting some important looking parts. If he could get Demopan to blow up the Giant Robot Heavy Fairy's neck plating, he could jam his machete into its inner magic servos and send it back to Robot Hell.

He sighed as he realized how bloody ridiculous that statement sounded.

Soldier sailed through the air with the grace of a mentally lacking eagle, flailing his arms slightly as he contemplated how he could land safely in the night-lit robot city. It was obvious that the robots were having a robot tea party up in the palace, and that was unacceptable because the only people allowed to have tea parties in a white building were Abraham Lincoln and President Roosevelt, both of whom were blatantly still alive and nobody could convince Soldier otherwise. The levels of rage inside him increased further as he saw that not only were they having a tea party in a big room with no wall, the tea party was being run by a giant metal copy of...

No.

It couldn't be.

Soldier gripped his launcher tighter, ran as fast as he could, then span near a wall to rocket jump straight over and into castle grounds.

The sudden sound of an arrow being released over the room caught Sniper's attention, and no sooner than he had caught sight of the blue-trailed projectile had it slammed straight into the head of the Giant Heavy, tearing straight through its Dragonborn Helmet and peeking just out of the front of its Steel Jaw. It clanked loudly in protest, staggering slightly, then reaching up, it clutched the end of the arrow, ripping it out in a sharp jolting motion. In the process, the left eye of the creature stopped glowing blue and instead shut off completely as it stared at the arrow, considering its options.

>HULL AT 78% DAMAGE LEVELS

>EXOSKELETON AT 10% INTEGRITY

>0 KILLS ATTAINED

>4/10 VISUAL GRAPHICS CARDS STILL OPERATIONAL, LEFT OPTIC INACTIVE

>PROCESSING...

>JAVA UPDATE REQUIRED. UNABLE TO OBTAIN NEW ORDERS

>CONTINUING PURIFICATION PROTOCOLS

>HAIL THE CREATOR

Suddenly, the Giant Heavy reached behind its back, grabbing the hulking shotgun from its back, levelling it, then cocking it in a rather jerky way. Unlike the normal Heavy with his shotgun, Sniper noted, this shotgun seemed to fit the Heavy's body size perfectly. Unfortunately, as it racked a large bolt whilst holding it, he also noted that it was probably full auto. Grabbing Demopan, Sniper immediately began to sprint for his life towards the hole that had been made in the wall as the floor exploded behind him under constant bombardment of giant shotgun shells. Diving behind a large chunk of stone to keep himself protected, Sniper tugged Demopan down with him and practically had to yell over the deafening gunfire.

"Alright, you wanker!" he 'said' to Demopan (practically screamed it). "What you did earlier damaged the 'bot! If ya hadn't have taunted and fired another one, ya might've killed the bastard! What I'm askin' you to do is shoot it twice in a row, then get into cover." Demopan stared back blankly.

"Stout Shako, for two refined?" he asked. Sniper almost facepalmed.

"Y-Yeah, just like that!" he suddenly said. "Just like they give you two refined, you give him two shots to the 'ead!" It was all clear to Demopan now. Proudly, he crouched behind cover, then waited for a break in the firing to make sure the Heavy was reloading. Then, turning around the large boulder he had been crouching behind, he let out a loud battle cry as he activated his Chargin' Targe and fired both his pipebombs at the Giant. This time, the Heavy was visibly hurt: Massive plates of steel flew straight off its body as it staggered back. As the second bomb impacted, its lower left arm was pulled off completely, flying off and almost hitting the Robot Sniper that had just walked in alongside Engineer. As Demopan retreated, Engie got to work.

He threw down the toolbox he had been lugging on his shoulder, letting it slide a few feet as it opened up, a circular base quickly unfolding from a tripod and following up with a gun barrel flicking out twice as fast as a normal sentry would build. In the few minutes that Engineer had taken to get his gear, he had also stopped to pick up the Level Three Sentry he had built in his room (For emergency reasons, of course) and bring it with him. His shotgun hung from a strap over his shoulder, and he quite clearly had his Lugermorph in its pocket at the front. His wrench was carried in his right hand, connected via another strap to his belt. This let him easily flick out his construction PDA and quickly build a Dispenser behind a larger rock that the sentry had nestled just next to. It was his favourite tactic: Build next to a wall, then have a Dispenser healing him and supplying metal and ammo so he could constantly keep his sentry repaired without risking himself.

In this case, risking himself would probably get him stood on.

By the time his Dispenser had built, the Heavy had stood back up, and had dropped its shotgun due to a suddenly inability to reload (Left hands are useful, stay in school, kids). It now began enroaching on the new arrival, ignoring the new hail of bullets flying its way and only slightly reacting to the smaller rockets, Giant Heavy proved itself to be the prettiest Princess by reaching the sentry. Engineer was forced to dive back as the huge robot grabbed the sentry, ripped its tripod off, and hold it in its hand. With a kick, the Heavy sent the tripod flying over to Engineer and pinning him down. Grunting, the Texan spat blood and wiped his goggles of the stuff before looking up at the Giant Heavy now looming over him. It stared down with a broken jaw, broken eye, and holed head, before saying one, single order before it crushed Dell Conagher.

"BRUSH HEAVY'S HAIR."

Just then, another yell made itself apparent, accompanied by an explosion.

"COMMUNISM WILL NEVER WIN, ROBOT JOSEPH STALIN!" Soldier screeched, sailing through the air and launching rockets at the Giant Heavy. He followed this up by drawing his trusty shovel, throwing his weight back, then pushing it all into one almighty swing that completely destroyed the Giant Heavy's face. The robot staggered back, dropping the sentry it had planned to flatten Engineer with and then stepping back to deal with the incredibly angry American it had suddenly been insulted by. As it lurched away, Sniper immediately ran over to Engineer, grabbing the RoboMeeM on his way past. The Texan coughed up more blood as he pushed the metal framework off himself. He could feel something sharp pull itself out of his stomach.

"Ah, Hell," Engineer muttered, looking at the stab wound on his abdomen. "That'll take some sewin' to fix." He already knew what was happening as Sniper slid over to him whilst the RoboMeeM began healing him.

"Engie!" Sniper cried, watching the wound close up. "Ya alright?"

"Yeah, ah'm fine," the Texan smiled slightly, picking himself up and dusting himself off. "Honestly, a better question is what in the Sam hell is Soldier doin' here?"

Across the room, their answer came.

"I WILL NOT TOLERATE COMMUNISTS! I WILL NOT TOLERATE ROBOTS! I WILL NOT TOLERATE ROBOT COMMUNISTS! I WILL DESTROY YOU, ROBOT PRINCESS JOSEPH STALIN, AND I WILL BE THE PRETTIEST PRINCESS THAT JUST KICKED YOUR ASS!"

"HEAVY IS REGRETTING COSTUME CHOICE."