Killian's Misadventures in Equestria with Princess Molestiaby TwiplotSpankleChaptersIn Your DreamsThe Cloppy BitShitakuThe Boring PartGAP WhoreBite of A MuffinCouch CushionsWe All Fall DownA Pink DilemmaIn Your DreamsChapter 2 Now since I am Princess Molestia, I suppose we could go right to the cloppy bit: Twilight raped Killian, anally, and he well died. That's it, no more story. its all over, you can go back to your meaningless lives, and I can go back to being a lazy ass god who forces all my problems on Twilight and her friends. Can't post less than 1,000 words you say? Well screw you FIMFICTION! Well looks like I can't go back to being a fat ass who eats cake all day, whatever. Ok, let's try this again. Once upon a time, in the magical land of Equestria: There's Killian, sleeping like a fat, chubby, 200 pound baby, oh so cute. And what's this? It appears that my sister is doing what she does every night for all the little colts and fillies: Standing creepily in the corner of the room, just staring at the still, overweight form of our lad Kill. Just staring and staring. Still is staring, just standing there, staring. Wow Sister, you really could use a more productive hobby. I mean you could at least make some attempt to sexually assault him, but instead you just stand there. You could do something other than just standing there. You know, like develop the plot more, or something! "JEBUS LUNA, MOVE YOUR ASS!!" "Knock, Knock" "Sister, is everything all right?" "Oh Luna, everything is quite fine." "Oh ok." "I was being sarcastic sister!" Anygay, let's go see what weird stuff Killian is dreaming about: "Oh, now where the fuck am I?!" Killian said, looking around. He was in some dark room. Based on the tables and booths, he assumed he was in a restaurant dining room. "Oh KILLIAN!" squealed a high pitched voice from somewhere. "I'm gonna rape Yooooou!" "Oh, fuck my life!" Killian suddenly felt the need to run away, and so he did. As Killian frantically searched for an exit, he found none. "Kiiiiiiilllllliaaaaan" said the high pitched voice again, this time closer. All Killian could find was a broom closet. He quickly hurried inside and locked the door. He sat there, quietly waiting, his heart pounding in his chest. Then he heard the clopping. "Are you fucking serious!?" Killian said all too loudly. The clopping stopped. Eerie silence began to seep in... 'THUMP! "Here's PYTHON!" And then shit got weird. For the sake of the audience's sanity, we'll just skip this bit. And then we get to the cloppy part: As Killian woke up in a cold sweat, screaming, he found that his screams were muffled. When he tried to look around, all he could see was utter darkness. "brrrrrrrrt" "The fuck?! Oh god, I can't breathe" Oh look, there's Luna, sitting on Killian's face. How adorable. 'pssssssh "Ahhhhhr, it's in my mouth!" Killian, fighting for air, quickly pushed Luna off his face. "Oh, hi." said Luna. "HI?! You fucking farted on my face!" "Yes, it is tradition that we fart on all the new colts' and fillies' faces." "What?!" "The pissing was because we really had to go, we are terribly sorry." "Sorry?! Ok, if someone doesn't get me out of here, I'm gonna choke a bitch!" "Why would you do that to a poor female dog?" "Shut the fuck up!" Killian quickly replied. Then he proceeded to wipe the piss off his face. Luna just stood there awkwardly, staring, again. "We are so very sorry for offending you, We will just be leaving now." Luna said as she turned towards the window. "Yeah, whatever." Kill the ass said. Luna prepared to take off, when she suddenly went back down, and started walking toward Killian. "What are you doing?" Killian asked suspiciously. Then Luna took him up in her arms and kissed him... And then Luna exploded. Leaving Killian covered in strange, glow-in-the-dark, white stuff. "fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!!!!" "Woah Luna! Honestly didn't think you had it in you!" "What was that sister?" "Oh nothing..... Nothing at all...." "Oh, Ok. We will go back to playing Hitmare: Absolution. Oh, and that Crystal Kingdom thing is back again." "ugm, hwat was dat Runa, I cand her ru umber the soun of me eatin dis caik." "I SAID THAT TIA IS A BIG ASS, CAKE EATING LUMP OF FLESH!!" "Why thank you for the complement sister." I really should stop typing what I think and say, could be signs of minor schizophrenia, but nothing that a bit of fooling around with the palace guards can't solve. Tune in next tomorrow for the next chapter in Killian's Adventures in Equestria with Princess Molestia. The Cloppy BitLast time on AMC's The Walking Dead: "We have to find a boat, a boat of Friendship. A Friendship boat, A Friend Ship." "Oh my Dayum, There's sooooo much death! Death here, death there, there is death everywhere!" "I do not want them Sam I Am, I do not want green eggs and ham!" "And then the whale was all like "What's up?!" And now..... Chapter 3 Killian woke up the next morning feeling refreshed, and also found that he really had to take a shit. As he ran to leave the guest room, he found that the door was in fact barricaded from the outside. On the verge of shitting his pants, Killian went for the next best thing: the window. As Killian began to empty his bowels out the side of Twilight's house, he heard a loud, screech of a voice, "Oooooo, is that chocolate rain!!?" Finished, Killian went to look at where the noise came from. Then he saw a certain pink pony rolling around in his shit. Bewildered, he decided to leave the crazy, shit eating pony alone, but then it hit him. "You do know that's not chocolate milk right!? Killian shouted to the certain pink pony "Well of course silly, it's obviously hot chocolate" the pink pony replied . "No, I'm pretty sure that's my shit." At this, the pink pony stopped, and somehow leaped all the way to the window, immediately covering Killian with her shit infused vomit and then proceeded to piss in his mouth. Then poof, just like that, the pony was gone. Then Twilight entered the room. "Oh Celestia, what is that awful smell?" Then she noticed Killian The Shit Covered Fatty. "Well of course that smell is coming from you. Geez, I would think you would have the decency to at least use the toilet." Twilight said, pointing to the far door. Then a nagging thought came to his head: he had been here before, not necessarily here in this exact moment, but he had seen and felt this room before. At notice of Killian pondering this, Twilight immediately grabbed the nearest blunt object, that being Spike, and beat him over the head with him. Killian awoke in a tree, and immediately fell out of said tree, and right on top of Fluttershy. Killian immediately came up to check and see if he hadn’t broken anything. turns out, he broke every bone in his body. Yep, never to walk again. Futashy quickly came to his aid. “Oh, are you alright?” “I CAN’T FUCKING FEEL ANYTHING! EVERY SINGLE PONY I MEET EITHER BEATS MY FACE IN, OR HITS ME OVER THE HEAD!! AND FOR SOME FUCKING REASON I HAVE TITS NOW!!!" Killian said, sobbing. “Oh, I’m sorry. Well I’ll just be on my way, I mean if thats ok with you.” “No it’s not ok! I can’t feel my fucking legs!” Killian said, attempting to flail her arms. “Well um, sorry, but i’m afraid I have to get home right away and feed Angel, or he’ll beat me again.” “Angel?” “Oh yes, he’s my rabbit. If I don’t feed him soon, he’s going to be very mad.” And with that, Killian was hit over the head... Again. You know Killian, you seem to get hit all too often, maybe if you weren't soo ugly, then maybe everypony Wouldn't feel the immediate need to beat yo face in. Killian regained conscienceness in a hospital bed, or what seemed to be one. As he took in her surroundings, Killian quickly took notice of the large amount of blood that littered the floor. As Killian attempted to move, nothing happened. Then came the clopping. Fluffershy came up to the edge of the bed wearing a bath robe. Killian just stared in fear/anger (I mean you can never tell with that kid) "Hey, sorry for beating you over the head, but I saw it as the only way to bring you here." Killian watched as fluttershy pulled out a carrot... And then a group of rabid gnomes came in and beat fluttershy to death, ripped her limb from limb, then carried her lifeless body to their hidey-hole, and by that, I mean Killian's butt. Tune in on the morrow for the next proverb of the Killian's Misadventures In Equestria with Princess Molestia book thing. Shitaku I supose its time for me to begin the story, so feel free to dim the lights and shut your faces, because now we arrive at the chapter of all the chapters. Oh yes children, its the horrible, the terrifying, the absolutely cherry poppingest chapter of them all! So clench your butt cheeks, this one is going to be a doozy. It's... Chapter 4 Please do forgive me for the last chapter. I'm afraid that I was under the influence of some exotic plants found in zebra lands. Skooma I think they called it. But hey, your Princess is back to normal, or as normal as I can get. Let's turn the book to the place before all the weirdness. Shall we? We shall! Killian woke up the next morning feeling refreshed, and quite hungry. As Killian went to leave the guest room, he found that Spike was asleep outside the door. Seeing no other way to get to the kitchen, Killian decided to climb out of the window. Whilst he was climbing down, Killian lost his footing and began to fall... to his death! But what's this? A flying tree? Why by golly, it's Fluttershy! Fluttershy quick as a whistle caught the falling Killian in her arms. However, because of Newton's Law of Physics, Fluttershy's arms broke in two from the sheer weight of Killian's gelatinous body. Oooh, big words, how exciting. Anypoo, OH MY GOODNESS GRACIOUS, FLUTTERSHY'S ARMS!!! Killian quickly hurried to fluttershy's aid. "Hey, you ok?" Killian asked with concern. "Oh I'm sure I'll be alright." Fluttershy replied. "I don't think your legs are supposed to bend like that." Killian asserted. "Hey! Go get some help!" Killian said, pointing to a colt with a pi symbol and headphones for a cutie mark. Killian picked up Fluttershy and carried her into Twilight's house. "What did you do!?" Twilight asked Killian angrily. "Well, I went to go to the kitchen, and your pet dragon was in front of the door, so I went to climb out of the window, and..." "Did you try to move Spike out of the way? He is a Baby dragon, he should only weigh like ten pounds." Twilight said whilst examining Fluttershy's fore hooves. "Well there's nothing I can do here, but I do know someone who has the equipment to help." Twilight finished. "Killian, you'll have to carry Fluttershy on your back. This isn't going to be a little short of a stroll of a walk." Uh oh, looks like Killian is in for some exercise. Well I guess that's one way to lose that muffin top. As Killian and Twilight were walking, Killian bumped into a random unicorn buck hiding in the bushes. "Oh hey Twilight, what are you doing? And who's your new friend?" the seemingly random buck asked. "Taking Fluttershy to go see Joey. Killian here thought he was a flying squirrel and jumped out of my window looking for nuts. Fluttershy's attempt to stop his imminent fall proved to be futile." "Oh, and he is not my friend. He is my prisoner." Twilight said matter of factly "Woah bitch! If I wanted to run, I could!" Killian shouted. "Then run. And we'll see how far you get." Twilight challenged. And Killian was all like being a pussy and not saying "Challenge accepted." Instead he thought to himself "Aint nobody got time for that!" like the true independent black woman he wishes he could become. "Well gee Twilight, I'd be happy to take him off your hooves." the random unicorn buck said all creepy like. Killian couldn't shake the feeling that the unicorn buck was staring at him. Staring right into his very soul, maybe even beyond that! Who knows, I certainly don't. As Killian looked the buck over, Killian couldn't help but divert his eyes right to the buck's flank: he had an upside down smiley face for a cutie mark. "No I'll be quite fine. I need him to help me carry Fluttershy. So um... Bye now!" Twilight replied hurriedly. "Oh ok, bye Killian, bye Twilight." the buck said whilst receding back into the dark hole of an abyss that is my mother's heart. But let us not tarry with my family troubles, the show must go on! As The trio (Fluttershy is there too) came up to a hill, Killian noticed the darndest Thing: A house made entirely out of empty soda cans. I guess you could call it a "Coke house." now what kind of horrible, deformed, abomination of a pony may live in this house you ask? Well children, maybe if you shut your flappy things, I might just get to that part. Twilight went to knock on the "door," if a piece of cardboard could be called that. There was no answer. The trio began to walk past the "door". Inside there were dirty dishes littering the floor. Oh how dark and scary it was inside. Killian, taking the front, heard a rustle nearby. All of a sudden, a Pegasus buck came charging right toward him: "MENENNNDEZZ!!!" "Wha!?" Then the Pegasus yelled "TAE KWON DO!!" and bucked Killian right in the nuts. Bucked him so hard in fact, that Killian began to cough up blood. "Celestia, Joey! He's still carrying Fluttershy!" Twilight screamed. "You don't care about me at all, do you?" said Killian, whilst coughing up more blood. "What do you want Twilight?" Joey asked. "The kid that will never have kids again decided to use my window to practice skydiving, and landed right on top of Fluttershy. We came here hoping you could help." Twilight answered. "pffft. Ain't nobody got time for that!" Joey replied. "But I'll do it as your friend." Joey set to work gathering supplies. As he was doing this, Killian eventually regained the willpower to stand, if barely. "Auto-Docs all ready for ya!" Joey said whilst helping Fluttershy into the machine. While the machine was fixing Fluttershy, Joey walked up to the barely standing Killian. Leaned in nice and close, almost looks like they're about to kiss. Then Joey leaned toward Killian's ear and whispered: "Your Responsible..." Super glue your butt to your seat and don't take a poop for the next 24 hours, for next time is the possible( not really) finale of Killian's Misadventures in Equestria with Princess Molestia. The Boring Part Your Princess is tired today, so there will be no intro. So enjoy this chapter while I go replenish myself with cake... Chapter 5 Shortly after his meeting with Joey, Killian remembered the whole reason he got into this mess: he was really fucking hungry. "Hey Twilight, I'm hungry. What's for lunch?" Killian asked. "Huh? Well I don't exactly know what you eat. What do you want?" Twilight asked. "How about a burger?" "Whats a burger?" "You know..." Killian said. "No, I don't think I do." "I mean like a cow." "You want to eat a COW!!?" Twilight asked perplexed "Yes." "How about some oatmeal?" "No, I want a burger." "YOU ARE NOT EATING A COW!!!" Twilight finished. "Bitch! If I want a burger, then I'll get a..." "YOU ARE GOING TO EAT OATMEAL, AND YOU ARE GOING TO LOVE IT!!!!!!!!" Fluttershy screamed, seemingly out of nowhere. "Yes ma'am!" Killian said out of fear. "Ha, you take orders from a girl." Joey said over Killian's shoulder. And so Killian ate his oatmeal for fear of Fluttershy's wrath. After Killian was done eating, he discovered that Twilight had in fact left him with Joey, and had taken Fluttershy with her too. As Killian was about to walk out Joey's "door", He was quickly tackled by Joey. "Where do you think you're going?" Joey asked, standing over Kill. "I was about to leave, butt-munch!" "Well you ain't leaving without me." "Why?" "One: Twilight's orders, and two: because your responsible." "Fine" •Joey added to party• As the duo continued to walk around Ponyville, Killian finally had enough of Joey constantly poking him in the shoulder and saying "Your responsible" repeatly. "Joeeeey, SHUT UP!!" "You're just mad 'cause you have no nips." Joey said, mockingly. 'fwip, fwip,fwip,fwip,fwip,fwip,fwip,fwip "Hey, what's that noise?" Fwip,Killian,fwip,asked.fwip,fwip,fwip,fwip, "I think it's coming from that alleyway." Joey,fwip,said,fwip,fwip,fwip,fwip,fwip,fwip "Uuuugh, I'm finished!" Said a voice from the alleyway. "What the FUCK was that!" said Killian. The duo began running toward the noise, only to find a dirty brown buck sitting in a trash can. The brown buck took notice of the duo and quickly stopped whatever it was he was doing. "Why hello strangers." The strange brown buck said. "Not many days I get visitors. You know, beside alien visitors, that stick probes up my butt and cut me open every other week. Oh, and the apperations that haunt me on many sleepless nights." "Uh huh. Well bye now!" Killian said, turning to run away from the clearly dementiated pony. "Yeah, I get those sometimes too." Joey said, much to Killian's surprise. "Don't look at me like that, it's very common to get "visitors". You could easily be mistaken for the same." Joey said matter of factly. "So what's your name?" Joey asked the brown buck. "My name is Hoboken J. Patty wackier, but everybody just calls me Hobo." "Ok, nice to meet you Hobo." Joey said, all too nicely for his actual person. "You don't seriously believe me to be friends with somebody I just met IN AN ALLEYWAY!" Killian said with utter bafflement. "First, it's pronounced "somepony". and second, I do expect you to be friends with him, It's what we ponies do." Joey finished. "That sounded gay." "Did not!!" "Yeah well, I'm bored." Killian finished. "Same here." "I guess you could call this The Boring Part." Hobo piped in. "I guess you could." Then the trio began to share a jolly good laugh and freeze framed while high-fiving mid-air. Be here in whenever I get my creativity back. It seems to have grown legs and flown away. Anyway, next time on Killian's Misadventures in Equestria with Princess Molestia... GAP Whore In the before time, there was a chicken. His name was Fred. Now Fred so loved his brothers and sisters, that he ate them. Chapter 6 Killian woke in the night from that horrifyingly horrible dream. It was just a dream, or was it? Don't worry your little tits as to the outcome, for it was in fact, but a dream. So at this point, you must have cum to the realization that this scene held absolutely no purpose. None whatsoever. So let's skip forward a couple of theoretical hours to the figurative start of the day. Killian woke up on Joey's floor, and immediately went for the kitchen. Once there, he began to make mac and cheese. But then, a conundrum, he couldn't find any milk. Killian searched and searched, but still came up with nothing. "Joey! Where's the milk!?" Killian shouted. *Silence.... "Joey!! Where do you keep the milk!!?" Killian's only answer was utter silence... Except for the breathing. Killian looked up and met eyes with Joey. Killian made some attempt to dodge as Joey flattened him. "Oh Kilrian." Joey said childishly. "What do you want whore!!?" Killian asked agitated. "Can I ask u a question?" Joey replied. Killian looked at him flatly, waiting for this all important question. Joey's mouth curved into a sly, crooked smile. "Do u even lift bro?" Oh man, you sure did it now. I mean talk about poking the already pissed-off furless unpony thing. And in that instant, something within Killian snapped. He grabbed the knife beside him and went to strike down Joey, forever ending his utterly annoying antics forever... Joey, completely clueless as to what was about to transpire, flew to a cabinet in the far corner. Killian missed him by mere inches. Joey came back with an empty sack labeled "Goods". "Damn, all out." Joey said, overturning the sack. "Welp, looks like you and me are going on a candy run!" Joey and Killian were wandering aimlessly around Ponyville, until Killian bumped into somepony. Killian looked down and noticed a pony in what looked like a wizard cap. As the mare looked up, she met eyes with Killian and blushed. Killian returned with a smile, at this the mare jerked away with a look of scorn on her face. "Out of my way you, The Great and Powerful Trixie won't stand for you looking down upon her!" Trixie said, as she telekinetically threw Killian aside. Seeing that he wasn't yet dead. Trixie started walking toward Killian to finish the job. Then, an idea. "Since Trixie is feeling rather benevolent today, she will make you both a deal: each of you get a wish, in exchange for three years of your natural life." so said Trixie. "No deal." Replied Killian. "I wish this sack was full of candy." Joey said holding out the bag. With a flare of Trixie's horn, the bag began overflowing with candy. "Next." Trixie said. "I said no deal, Joey may be stupid enough to trade three years of his life for a bag of candy, but me, not so much." Killian finished. "How about this: The Great and Powerful Trixie sends one of your friends from your world here, with no cost against you." The Great and Oh So Benevolent Trixie offered. "And the catch?" "No catch, anybody you want, transported here." Trixie finished. "Fine, I wish Colby was in Equestria!" Trixie's horn began to glow, a spectacular light show ensued. Winds buffeted all about. With a flash of white light, a portal opened. Blinded by the light, Killian looked away. When all was done, Killian was speechless. "What the hell, where am I?" Killian just stood, dumbfounded. Joey barely stifled a laugh. Colby first looked at Killian, then the rest of his surroundings. "Whoa, is that a pony? OH MY GOD! It's a pony!!!" Colby exclaimed with glee, as he ran and hugged Trixie. Trixie quickly pushed him away and threw up a force field. Joey couldn't hold it anymore, he fell on his back, laughing uncontrollably, whilst rolling around on the ground. Killian couldn't help but just stare. Joey came up, still giggling, and shouted: "HE'S PINK!!!" Then he fell back, laughing once again. "I'm pink? What?" Colby exclaimed. Joey quickly flew over, holding a mirror that he pulled out of thin air. Colby stared for a minute at his reflection. "WHY AM I PINK!?" Colby exclaimed. "Hey! That's a good question: Why is he pink!?" Killian looked to Trixie accusingly. "Hey! Don't look at me like that! I only brought him here, I didn't choose the color." Trixie replied nervously. "And I'm a unicorn too! Actually, I have no problem with that." Colby said. "Pinkie Pie darling, what on earth are you doing with these ruffians?" A voice said behind Colby. Colby turned and looked at the white mare. "Wait, you're not Pinkie Pie." "No?" Colby asked. Rarity charged Colby, stabbing him in the neck with her horn. When she pulled out, blood gushed from the wound. "You whore! You killed Colby!!!" Killian shouted. Joey fell back "Pffft, HahaHahahahaha... See you next time for Killian's Misadventures in Equestria with Princess Molestia.... P.S. Don't look behind you.... Bite of A Muffin My Little Pony, My Little Pony, ahhahhahhahhh- chooooo! Oh goodness, that hurt! Geez. Oh, and now I'm bleeding! Welp, the whole show is ruined now! I just screwed up the most important part. Now I will probably be fired and or killed. Maybe they'll do death by fire. Well I'm fucked. Oh shit! Shes here! "Oh singer! I don't hear much singing!!" Chapter 7 Crack Well, looks like the position just opened up. A pity, she had such a beautiful voice. But the contract does say zero tolerance, and I must abide by the contract. You! Clean this up! When you're done, we'll need to put an ad in the paper for a replacement. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a book to write... A new day, a new adventure. Killian walked in the kitchen and found a note pinned to the fridge: Dear Killian, I went out for errands. Fluttershy brought some milk for you. Meet us in town square at four. -Joey P.s. You have no nips. "What the fuck." Killian said, opening the fridge. Inside was a bottle labeled: "For Killian". Killian ate cereal and got ready to leave. When he opened the door, he saw a familiar face: Trixie. She quickly turned red at having been discovered, then she did a complete 180 and donned her more personified demeanor. "What do you want hooker?" Killian asked, leaning against the doorway. "The Great And Powerful Trixie is not a hooker! Where is Joey!? I'm here to collect!" Trixie said angrily. "How the fuck should I know! I'm Supposed to meet him in town square at four." Killian said, annoyed. "Fine, Trixie will accompany you on this venture, let's go!" Trixie said, walking away. Once in town square, Killian saw all his friends: Joey flying around, Hobo talking with fluttershy, and Colby hugging the shit out of Twilight. Even that strange black unicorn buck was there. Trixie telekinetically grabbed Joey and threw him to the ground. "Hey! I believe you owe Trixie Three years of your natural life!!" Trixie huffed. "I don't think so... Do I even know you?" Joey replied. "Wha!? How could you possibly forget The Great and Powerful Trixie!!?" Trixie asked. Joey put his hoof to his chin and thought for a bit. "Nope. Don't ring a bell." Joey finalized. "Doesn't ring a... You dare belittle Trixie!!" She shouted. "Sorry. But hey, thanks for the free candy!" Joey said as he took off. "Why you little... It doesn't matter, it's not like I need your permission..." Trixie hit Joey with a bolt of green light. Joey, stunned, plummeted to the ground like a rock. Trixie came up to him, lifted his head, and kissed Joey. As she pulled away, you could see a blue aura leaving Joey and enveloping Trixie. Then Trixie shouted "I am Dovahkiin!" threw down a smoke pellet, and disappeared. "What in the fuckity fuck was that!?" Killian asked. "She be a witch!!" said a really overweight buck in a wheelchair. "Well no shit fuckface!" Killian shouted to the obese buck. "Who the fuck are..." Whilst Killian was talking, the buck took a bite out of a doughnut he pulled from his skin flaps, and then had a stroke. "The fuuuck!?" Killian said, looking at the buck. "He's fine, this happens often. As a matter of a fact, thats the third one this week." Joey said from over Killian's shoulder. "Gage!! Wake up!!!" Joey said, poking the possibly dead buck. "What is that smell!? Did he shit himself!!?" Killian asked with a look of disgust on his face. "That happens often too." Finally the buck jolted back to life. "Yarrgh, I still be alive my matey! Oh but it appears that I need to swab the poop deck. NURSE!!!" The buck shouted. "Oh, what the hay is it now? Let me guess, you soiled yourself, again." His nurse came trotting over. A blueish white unicorn mare with sky blue mane and a sky blue cross for a cutie mark, went up to the gelatinous form that is Gage, and somehow lifted him up with her magic, managed to turn him over, clean him up, and gently set him back down into the chair. "Thank you lass, my ship would sink if I be without you." Gage said. "And that right there, is Gage's nurse, Cross. Somehow, she is able to withstand that guy." Joey said over Killian's shoulder. Twilight finally managed to push Colby off enough to teleport away safely. Colby came trotting over to hug Killian. "Killian, we're in Equestria!! Isn't this great!!" Colby shouted, hugging Killian to death. "Ca.. can.. can't breathe.." "Oh sorry. But hey, check this out!" Colby said, letting Killian out of his death grip. Colby backed away and began to concentrate.... "Look out!!!" Then a dumbbell fell on Colby, then an anvil, then a piano, then a boat. "What the fuck!!! Colby!!" Killian shouted. "I'm ok!" Colby shouted, coming from behind the wreckage of the boat. Fwump A grey Pegasus mare with blonde mane smashed down, obliterating Colby into bloody chunks of pink flesh and bone. "Oops, my bad!" Said the grey mare, while looking at the mound of gore that was once Colby. Killian started charging the mare. "You whore!!!" Then the mare looked up, and Killian's heart stopped. The background turned all blurry, and there were hearts abound. Lyra got out her harp and began to play a sweet tune. Time slowed down as Killian took in the mare's eyes, her really screwed up eyes. All Killian could do was drool with a look of bliss on his face. "Um, Killian, weren't you going to avenge your friend? Helloooo, Equestria to Killian." Joey said, waving his hooves in front of Killian's face. Killian pushed Joey out of the way, and started walking towards the mare. She looked at him as he approached, or at least I think she did. "I just don't know what went wrong!" The mare said to Killian. "It's ok. What's your name?" Killian asked. "I'm Ditzy Doo. Who are you?" "I'm Killian." "Oh! I have some mail for you!" Ditzy said, looking through her mail bag. She came up with three different letters, as well as a package, and handed them to Killian. One letter contained a bank card and a key, another a bill of payment from Twilight, and lastly, an invite to dinner with the princesses. Killian looked over the package: it was pretty damn dinged up. He shook it and heard nothing. When he opened it, he found a note inside. It read: Here's something to get it started. ~ M Inside was a basket full of muffins. Derpy, sniffing the air, flew and shoved her face into the box. "OMG! Muffins!" Ditzy said in between mouthfuls of the pastry. Killian just stood there, watching her bury her face in the muffins. When she had finished, she came up, looked at Killian with a huge ass smile. And gave him a big sloppy kiss. When she pulled away, Killian had the taste of blueberry in his mouth. "Thank you soo much! Here's a house key, see you tonight. don't forget to bring more muffins!" Ditzy said as she turned and flew off. Killian resumed that look of utter bliss. Joey flew up behind him. "You have derpies now...." See you next time! Oh, and watch out for the rogue wizard Trixie. Don't be accepting any deals from strange people in alleyways kiddos, you might develop bad ju-ju. Definitely don't accept deals from people whose silhouette resembles that of a demon, because chances are, it's either the devil, or a Deathclaw in a cowboy hat. Couch CushionsSomething has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter.We All Fall DownAhem...Chapter 1 This is the story of a boy/man-child and the happenings that well happen because he causes them to happen. But anyway, let's start the story... Killian fell from the sky, and well died... Psych, the death part comes later though, lots and lots of death is to ensue. For right now, Killian did in fact fall, right into Bon Bon's lap. "ahhhhhhhhhh", screamed Bon Bon, as she pushed the fur-less, unpony thing from between her legs. "What is that thing?" exclamasked Lyra, who was sitting beside Bon Bon in the weird fashion in which she does. For you see, Killian, the afore mentioned fur-less, unpony thing, would have died if not for landing his face right into Bon Bon's pussy, and by pussy, I mean her cat, Meowth. Yes it is in fact the poke'mon Meowth. Now what was Meowth doing in between Bon Bon's legs? Well your guess is as good as mine. Now back to Killian the human man. Lyra, fearful for her virginity, kicked the unconscious Killian in the face and left him in the street to rot. As Killian the non pony regained conscienceness, he began to hear voices, perhaps he was going crazy, but not likely. "What the hay is that thing?" pondered Applebloom ponderously. "I've never seen one of these before." inserted Sweetiebell. "Maybe it came from the zoo?" asked/ stated? Scootaloo. Now Killian's face was so disfigured from the beating Lyra gave him, that our hero could easily be mistaken for a fish, and since Kill so loved fish sticks, that must make him a gay fish. Now as Kill the gay fish began to rise, he so frightened the trio with his horrible disfigurement, that they too bucked him in the face, and fleed for fear of having to look at his god awful features. Killian, The No Longer Fish, awoke in a bed that was not his own, In a room that made no sense. He was in a tree. As the far door slowly creaked open, Killian quickly went back down and pretended to be asleep, as to ascertain as to whom his kidnapper might be. As the the door slid open, he heard, was that clopping? Immediately, Killian sprang up ready to attack. Startled, the lavender mare instantly blasted him... in the dick... Killian, the now dickless hero of our story, awoke in a hospital bed. As he shifted, he discovered that he was in fact bound to the bed. Once again, the far door slowly creaked open, and once again Kill-Ian heard clopping. As he moved to look at the door, in walked the same lavender mare as before, focused on a clipboard and jotting things down. Now that Killian wasn't trying to spring himself on her, he took notice of her features. She was a fucking pony. But of course she was a fucking pony, you are reading a pony fan-fic aren't you? I mean really, did you honestly think it would be something else other than a pony? Equestria is in the god damned name. God, my audience must be a bunch of fur-less apes with, let me guess, opposable thumbs? As I was saying before I was so rudely interupted by your utter stupidity. As she came closer to the bed, she lifted her eyes from the clipboard and started back. She stood there a couple of seconds, to be exact: 46 seconds of her life that she will never get back, were just wasted by standing there. Then, she spoke. "Sorry for shooting you... There, but its ok, because it was for science, and science is good, I think." "Any way, nothing could be done about your "thing," so we kinda just burned it, so you'll be pleased to know that it is now gone forever." Killian began to cry liquid pride. "Yep, never to be seen again." The mare finished. At that, Killian began to ball his eyes out. At notice of this, Twilight moved closer and began licking the tears off his face. "Yes!" she exclaimed, "Let me taste your sadness!" And then Killian woke up, still in the street, with his face beat in. What a horrible start for our young hero you say? Well, it's only going to get worse. Kill the human, finally fully conscience, I mean it's about time you lazy ass, just laying there, taking up valuable space for four hours, you should be ashamed. Any who, as Killian took in his surroundings, he noticed a familiar sight: a tree house. Kill began to stumble toward the door in the dead of night. At a knock on the door, someone quickly answered. "Who the hay knocks on someone's door at this time of night?" asked the lavender mare, then she stopped, stared, and quickly slammed the door. "Hey, you hooker, open up!" Killian shouted. He waited there, once again taking up valuable space, when he heard a click from the door. The door slowly creaked open, only revealing darkness inside. Once inside, the door slammed shut behind him, and a quick pain went to his head, then darkness. killian was jolted awake by a sharp smack across the face. "Who are you, and what are you doing here?" said a mysterious voice from behind the blaring light. "Who are you and what are you doing here?" asked Killian. "Hey! I asked first!" squealed the mysterious voice. “I’m Killian, and i’m going to assume that you’re the whore who hit me in the back of the head!" "perhaps I am, what of it? Nopony, or whatever you are, is going to rape my Twilight!" "Excuse me? I just wanted to know where I am." explained Killian. "uh huh, and yet you proceeded to call Twilight a hooker, you deeply hurt her feelings with that." "Well I'm sorry but... ENGLISH MOTHER FUCKER, DO YOU SPEAK IT!" "What was... ENGLISH MOTHER FUCKER, DO YOU SPEAK IT!" "WHAT THE HAY IS THAT HORRIBLE NOISE?!" In a flash, the lavender mare was standing before him. Her horn began to glow, removing the phone from his pocket. "What is this? Your alien communicator!?" "No dickweed, it's my cell phone, how the fuck does it still work here?" questioned Killian. "Who is William?" "That's black man, what did he say?" "Hey, we'll be asking the questions here bub. First question: Why should I not call the authorities?" "Because, as I said before, I'm not here to rape Twilight." "Likely story..." Then Killian noticed a slight sparkle in Twilight's eyes. Her horn began to glow once again, and Killian found that he was no longer bound to the chair. " Well it's too late at night to let this go on, Killian you can take the guest... ENGLISH MOTHER FUCKER, DO YOU SPEAK IT! "HOW DO I TURN THIS THING OFF!??" Twilight screamed. "You press that button for three seconds." Killian said, showing her the button. "Thank you, as I was trying to say, you can sleep in the guest room. But don't try to leave, Spike here will be keeping guard." "But Twilight, I thought we were going to finish playing pin the dragon on the pony.." "Spike! Shut up!" And with that, our hero went to the guest room and laid in the bed. "What have I gotten myself into?" What perils await our hero, will he die in the end of the next chapter, not likely, but find out in the next chapter of Killian's Misadventures in Equestria with Princess Molestia. A Pink Dilemma "Why I must say, this has been absolutely splendiferous! "Indubitably so my dear chap!" "Yeees, Why I dare say, we could end this tale right here!" "Indeed! Why, everyone would most likely be very happy that the story just suddenly ended." Huhuhuhuhuhuhuh, why dare say sir, it appears you have spontaneously combusted!" "It appears that I in fact have, Charles. HuhuhhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuAhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Chapter 8 In life, there are always choices, a crossroads where you decide your direction, but still achieve the same, but different result. The key The bill The invite Lets use the power of elimination to find the answer, class. If M>T=69, then what is the probability that Killian will ever get laid? Anyone? No? Well look at it this way: Killian received the dinner invitation three days before the event, so we can know for certain that he will not go to that one immediately. The bill from Twilight can not be paid unless Killian has bits; Killian haz no bits. So, we must say that we know for certain, that Killian will most likely, most definitely take the key. "1st National Bank of Cloudsdayle." Killian read aloud, looking at the bank card. Everypony had left after that strange showing of affection and the festivities that followed suit. Or at least, that's how it happened in his head anyway. But in reality, Everypony left to go to Colby's funeral. "Psst... Pssst.... Hey! Over! Here!" Killian walked over to the tree. "Stay away from Cloudsdayle!" said the voice from the tree. "Why?" "You don't want to get involved in things you don't understand!" "I don't... Wait! Fluttershy!?" "No, this isn't Fluttershy, I am just a tree." the tree said. Then Killian was knocked out.... Killian woke up on Twilight's doorstep. In a daze as to what exactly just happened, Killian knocked on the door, and Twilight answered. "Oh hey Killian, you get my letter?" Twilight asked. "Yes?" "So you have my money?" "Uh.. No?" "Oh. Well how do you plan on paying me?" Twilight asked. "I don't know?" "Oh...." It was at this point that an awkward silence ensued, inevitably killing a blind orphan foal. Finally, a jovial pink pony spoke up, in quite a big way. "Twilight, who are you talking.... (Don't know the audible spelling for gasp)" the pink pony leaped into the air, gasping, then shot out the back of the library, leaving a giant, gaping hole in Twilight's house. "Celestia dammit! Pinkie!!!" Twilight screamed, looking through where Pinkie had gone. Then she disappeared, and reappeared in front of Killian. "Now, about your payment, I might have some things in mind..." Twilight said, a sly look on her face and a slight sparkle in her eye. With a flare of her horn, Killian fell to the ground, paralyzed. She then floated out a small chest from the top of a bookshelf and set it next to her. Then, in a flash of green, she revealed herself to be Chrysalis, queen of the changelings. Out of the chest came an ice bag and a scalpel. "Your kidney should go for a fairly good price on the black market." Chrysalis said. "Wait... What!! You can't take my kidney, I need that!" Killian complained. "Oh, stop your whining. You do have two of them, and you only need one to live." Chrysalis finished. Chrysalis raised the scalpel and got ready to make the incision. Crash!!! When Killian looked up, he saw wreckage all around... As well as a pink form hugging the living shit out of Chrysalis. It was Colby! Hiss,"Let go of me, you!" At that, Colby just hugged harder. Not sure of any other way to escape the imprisonment of Colby's arms, Chrysalis changed back into Twilight. "Hey, pink one, let go of me. It's Twilight." Chrysalis attempted to deceive. "TWILIGHT!!!" Colby screamed with glee, as he hugged even harder. Chrysalis began to writhe. "Awww, somebody's cranky. Ooo, I know, you want some BELLY RUBS!!" Colby yelled as he began to turn Chrysalis/Twilight over on her back. "Wait! Noooo!" Chrysalis screamed as Colby rubbed her belly vigorously. "Hahaha...you are evil....hahahagaffa..I'm going to kill you after this...hagafdfhzaghgncczgbnjha!" Chrysalis/Twilight screamed in between monotonous laughter. "Pbbbbt..Pbbbbt....Pbbbt!" Colby began making raspberries on her belly. "Ahhhhahahahahahahagagfjchcxbkcchcudnfjcdvvhfhdxhdvdvjdjcdimañana" and then Chrysalis exploded from an overdose of love. "Awwww, look at all the hearts." Colby said in wonder. "Oh hey Killian! Whatcha doin on the floor!? Time to get up sleepy head!" "Om can ghet op." "What was that?" Colby asked. "ah sad Om can ghet op!!!" Killian said. "Ooooh, well why didn't you say so. We'll getcha better lickety split!" Colby said. "Now let's just see if I remember how to do this." Colby backed away into the center of the room, closed his eyes, and squished his face into a cross between a smile and a grimace. His horn began to glow, papers started flying all around. He then blasted the floor in front of him, and there was a bright light. "Ooh Fluttershy.." Twilight moaned, sitting in the tub. Then she noticed where she was. "Ahhhhh!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE!!?" Twilight said, eyes wide, having stopped whatever it was she was doing with that shower-head. She then teleported the tub away and spawned a towel. "If any of you say anything, I'll send your butt to the moon, literally." Twilight told the two of them. "Now what seems to be the problem?" Twilight walked over and examined Killian. "Wow, a powerful sedative. Let's consult my book of completely dangerous spells, that if done incorrectly, can cause absolutely horrible circumstances. Let's hope 356th times the charm." Twilight said, drawing a book from the very same chest Chrysalis produced from the top shelf. "Tree hunbred iffy ith!!!" Killian cried. "Well, here goes nothing, and by nothing, I mean everything, as in you will lose everything if I screw this up." Twilight said, readying for the all powerful spell that will hopefully restore Killian's mobility. "We call upon the spirits to blah blah blah... Here we go!" Twilight yelled. "Wingardium leviosa...Wingardium leviosa... Wingardium Leviosa..." Twilight began to chant. "Wingardium Leviosa... Wingardium Leviosa! Wingardium Leviosa!! WINGARDIUM LEVIOSAAAA!!!" At this, there were large gusts going, "Whew, whew, whew whew!!" and then more gusts, stronger than the normal ones, and they were all like, "Zhuu, Zhuu Zhuu, Zhuu!!!" Colby saw a gaping maw open up in the ground, tearing up floor boards and such. A large, shadowy figure arose from the dark portal that Twilight created. The trio st..st..stared in absolute terror as the shadow leered back at them with fiery red eyes. oh! What a terrifyingly horrible sight it was, why, I'm pretty sure I just wet myself. Oh how horribly horrible. The dark shadow began to rise up, even more than before. Oh so dark and foreboding, surely this must be the end of days.... It's converging on Twilight now... It's shooting off, about to hit twilight in the eye(that's what she said).... Aaand, Pinkie Pie! "Oh hey twilight, I came here to pay for your ohgggggghtchxhxvf!" said Pinkie, as she took it all in her mouth(again, that's what she said). Pinkie floated into the air, eyes shining like great, big, light, things. There was moaning of ponies long past, and an oh so scary deep laugh, Wha Wha Wha. Kinda sounds like Wario's laugh. White figures began to circle Pinkie's body... Aaaand, Spike walks in. The white figures stop circling Pinkie's body, the laugh that sounds like Wario stops, the moaning is finalized, her eyes stopped glowing, and the floor closed up, dropping Pinkie to the ground. "Well... That could have gone worse right?" Twilight said, looking to Colby and the still immobilized Killian. "Right!?" "Twilight! We need moar sprinkles!!" Spike said, very loudly. "Spike, if you continue to eat all that ice cream, your gut will positively, most definitely explode!" Twilight said to Spike, with absolute sincerity. "Pffft, that's future Spike's problem." Spike said, rolling out of the room. Twilight then returned her attention to the big fat elephant in the room: Killian. Yup, Killian had in fact been transformed into an elephant. Who knew that you could get any bigger, Killian. Then Twilight diverted her attention to her maybe-dead friend, Pinkie. Pinkie sprang up. "Pinkie Pie?" Twilight said, as she reached out to her dear friend. Pinkie's eyes sprang open, looked around, stopped and looked at Twilight, then opened her mouth to speak... "Whoa shit! I gotta go get some Kool Aid!" Pinkie said, as she bolted, flying like a plane. "Excuse me!? Pinkie!!" Twilight screamed after her. "Prrrrrt!!" Killian bellowed. Twilight stopped where she was and turned back. "Right, elephant." Twilight said to herself. She went all avatar state and returned Killian back to his original form. "Let's go, Speed racer, Go!!!" Twilight screamed. Elsewhere... "Happy Birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear Granny, happy birthday to you." "Alright, blow out your candles and make a wish, Granny!" Applebloom commanded. "Ah gaggle fang it! Ahm supposed to be dead by now!" Granny said. "Now don't be speaking like that, you're all Ah have since mah parents died. Without you, Ah would surely sell Applebloom to fuel mah incestuous drug habit." Applejack told Granny. "Yeah Granny, don't so selfisWait! What!?" Applebloom said, looking at Applejack. "Eeyup!" Macintosh got his piece in. "All righty, before we eat this plentiful bounty of this month's harvest, let's say grace." Applejack reached over to grab Big Macintosh's hoof, but accidentally tipped over the jug of milk. Everypony stopped. Applebloom started to cry. "Oh no!" "Oh no!!" "Oh no!!!!" ........................................ Crash "OH YEAH!!!" Pinkie said, as she crashed into the dining room. "Oh hey Pinkie, you're just in time for dinner! We're having chicken." Applejack pulled off the cover for the main course, revealing a tied-up Scootaloo. "AHHHHHH!" Applebloom screamed, as she was scooped up by Pinkie Pie. "Now Pinkie, we're all just as hungry as you, but stealing Mah sister ain't very friendful of ya." Applejack said to Pinkie. "Gotta get sum Kool Aid!!" Pinkie said, as she made another hole in the barn, collapsing the structure all around the Apples. "Well, Ah reckon it's time we RAISE THIS BARN!!!" Applejack shouted. Twilight, Colby, and Killian came running toward the commotion. "Oh hey Twilight! Why you're just in time to eat this chicken." Applejack said, pointing to Scootaloo. "I'm not even going to ask... Where is Pinkie Pie, she owes me money!" "Why Ah reckon that Ah saw them up in them vents." Applejack told Twilight, pointing to the sky. "What!?" "Well whatcha just standin' there for, let's go get Pinkie Pie!" Applejack said, grabbing Twilight by the hoof. "So who's the new guy? quite handsome I must say. Perhaps he'd like to help me buck some apples one of these days." Applejack said, giving Killian the rape stare. "Right! Introductions! Applejack, Killian. Killian, Applejack." Twilight said, pointing between the two while running. "How'd you like to take the reins and ride this pony 'till the cows come home?" Applejack said, still staring all rapey. "Yeah! Do that later! Now, Pinkie!" Twilight said, still running. Ahhhhhhhhhh!! "Where'd that come from?" "Ah reckon it came from the Carousel Boutique." Applejack said to Twilight. "Oh no! Rarity!" The quintet diverted directions. "Three! Two! One! Let it rip!!!" "Now what the buck is goin' on here!?" Applejack squealed like a pig. "Why Pinkie so graciously offered to play beyblade with me, as well as kindly brought Applebloom over to play with Sweetie Belle." Rarity said to the quintet. "Oh really, well where is Applebloom?" Applejack inquired as to the whereabouts of her oh so dear sister. "Last I checked, she was in the basement with Sweetie Belle making cupcakes." Rarity told them. "Pinkie, you cheated! You are not supposed to flip the board!" "Well look at the time, time to get some Kool Aid!! Beam me up Scottie!" Pinkie said, as she teleported away. "What in the fuck just happened!?" Killian said, for his one line of dialogue in this chapter. "Ah don't know, nor do Ah care, but don't you use your fancy mathematics to muddle the issue." Applejack told Killian. "We gotta go!!" Twilight said, running off. The rest followed. Colby decided to go ahead, running as fast as his legs can carry. "Feet don't fail me now!" Colby said, gaining on Pinkie. "Gotchya!" Colby said, having tackled Pinkie from behind. "Ha ha" Colby exclaimed. Pinkie Pie turned her head a complete 180, and vomited acid into Colby's mouth. He died very unceremoniously, like Isaac Clarke in Dead Space 2. "Oh my god, she killed Colby!" "His sacrifice will not go on vain! But will you please SHUT THE BUCK UP!!" Twilight screamed. Pinkie took off again, running towards Sugar Cube Corner. "Where is she going!?" Twilight yelled. "Well the voice from the sky obviously just said she was heading toward Sugar Cube Corner." Applejack said like a smart ass. "Hey!" Ahhhhhhhhh!! "Oh no! What now!?" "I've already told you! We have no Kool Aid! I don't even know what that is! But if your still not happy, then take my wife, just don't hurt me!" Mr. Cake said, offering Ms. Cake to Pinkie. "Never fear! Your neighborhood Applebucker is here!!"Applejack shouted, swinging around a lasso that she seemingly pulled from her ass. "Gotcha!" Applejack said, as she hogtied Pinkie Pie. "WINTER WRAP UP! WINTER WRAP UP!!" "SHUTTHEBUCKUPPINKIE!!!" Applejack screamed, bucking Pinkie in the face. "Twilight! do your sciencey whatsits!" "Ok! Let's see... Get me some salt stat, I can't really examine her when she's bouncing around like a mexican jumping bean!"Twilight exclaimed, shoving a whole bottle of salt down Pinkies gullet. "Ok, now speak Pinkie! What's wrong!? What's with the fixation on Kool aid!?" Twilight asked. "Huh, huh, huh, need..water..." "Get me some water, ASAP!" "Now speak!" Twilight exclaimed. "your friend's body belongs to me now!" "Uh oh!" Twilight gasped. "What uh oh?" Applejack asked. "Pinkie has been POSSESSED! We need some holy water, now!" "Well Ah don't have any of that fancy smancy holy water, but Ah reckon that some good ol' fashion'd Apple family apple cider ought to do the trick!" Applejack exclaimed, preceding to piss on Pinkie Pie. "You can't just pee on her, that's not going to do anything!" Killian yelled. "Actually, Apple family apple cider has devious spirit dispelling properties." Said Joey, from over Killian's shoulder. "Where the fucked you come from!?" Killian asked Joey. "Well I've been in your party the whole time, you just forgot to set me back in, so I used some of my master hacking abilities and gained access to the lineup. Since Colby unfortunately died, that left one slot open for me." Joey said, matter of factly. "Nooo! I still need Kool Aid!!" Cried Pinkie. "Go back from whence you came, demon!" Applejack exclaimed. Pinkie started squeeing and yipping. Finally, Pinkie opened wide as the spirit left her body and returned to the bowels of the earth, never to be seen again. "Mmmm, apple cider!" Pinkie exclaimed. "Yay! pinkie is back to normal!" Twilight exclaimed. Everypony got together in a big group hug, giggling and squeezing each other. Aaaand... Scene! "Alright everybody! Good job!" "Mark, be sure to return the Twilight Sparkle costume at the end of the day, last time, it came back a bit sticky, with maple syrup!" "Alright Jim, next time I'll remember to not eat pancakes while in costume." "Have a good day Jake! See you tomorrow!" "Yeah Killian. Be sure to learn your lines next time! You were a bit lacking!" "Killian! The network wants to have a talk with you!" That can't be good "You wanted to see me Ms..." "Molestia is fine..." Next Time...Stuff Happens...Be There...Or Be...Square.
In Your DreamsChapter 2 Now since I am Princess Molestia, I suppose we could go right to the cloppy bit: Twilight raped Killian, anally, and he well died. That's it, no more story. its all over, you can go back to your meaningless lives, and I can go back to being a lazy ass god who forces all my problems on Twilight and her friends. Can't post less than 1,000 words you say? Well screw you FIMFICTION! Well looks like I can't go back to being a fat ass who eats cake all day, whatever. Ok, let's try this again. Once upon a time, in the magical land of Equestria: There's Killian, sleeping like a fat, chubby, 200 pound baby, oh so cute. And what's this? It appears that my sister is doing what she does every night for all the little colts and fillies: Standing creepily in the corner of the room, just staring at the still, overweight form of our lad Kill. Just staring and staring. Still is staring, just standing there, staring. Wow Sister, you really could use a more productive hobby. I mean you could at least make some attempt to sexually assault him, but instead you just stand there. You could do something other than just standing there. You know, like develop the plot more, or something! "JEBUS LUNA, MOVE YOUR ASS!!" "Knock, Knock" "Sister, is everything all right?" "Oh Luna, everything is quite fine." "Oh ok." "I was being sarcastic sister!" Anygay, let's go see what weird stuff Killian is dreaming about: "Oh, now where the fuck am I?!" Killian said, looking around. He was in some dark room. Based on the tables and booths, he assumed he was in a restaurant dining room. "Oh KILLIAN!" squealed a high pitched voice from somewhere. "I'm gonna rape Yooooou!" "Oh, fuck my life!" Killian suddenly felt the need to run away, and so he did. As Killian frantically searched for an exit, he found none. "Kiiiiiiilllllliaaaaan" said the high pitched voice again, this time closer. All Killian could find was a broom closet. He quickly hurried inside and locked the door. He sat there, quietly waiting, his heart pounding in his chest. Then he heard the clopping. "Are you fucking serious!?" Killian said all too loudly. The clopping stopped. Eerie silence began to seep in... 'THUMP! "Here's PYTHON!" And then shit got weird. For the sake of the audience's sanity, we'll just skip this bit. And then we get to the cloppy part: As Killian woke up in a cold sweat, screaming, he found that his screams were muffled. When he tried to look around, all he could see was utter darkness. "brrrrrrrrt" "The fuck?! Oh god, I can't breathe" Oh look, there's Luna, sitting on Killian's face. How adorable. 'pssssssh "Ahhhhhr, it's in my mouth!" Killian, fighting for air, quickly pushed Luna off his face. "Oh, hi." said Luna. "HI?! You fucking farted on my face!" "Yes, it is tradition that we fart on all the new colts' and fillies' faces." "What?!" "The pissing was because we really had to go, we are terribly sorry." "Sorry?! Ok, if someone doesn't get me out of here, I'm gonna choke a bitch!" "Why would you do that to a poor female dog?" "Shut the fuck up!" Killian quickly replied. Then he proceeded to wipe the piss off his face. Luna just stood there awkwardly, staring, again. "We are so very sorry for offending you, We will just be leaving now." Luna said as she turned towards the window. "Yeah, whatever." Kill the ass said. Luna prepared to take off, when she suddenly went back down, and started walking toward Killian. "What are you doing?" Killian asked suspiciously. Then Luna took him up in her arms and kissed him... And then Luna exploded. Leaving Killian covered in strange, glow-in-the-dark, white stuff. "fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!!!!" "Woah Luna! Honestly didn't think you had it in you!" "What was that sister?" "Oh nothing..... Nothing at all...." "Oh, Ok. We will go back to playing Hitmare: Absolution. Oh, and that Crystal Kingdom thing is back again." "ugm, hwat was dat Runa, I cand her ru umber the soun of me eatin dis caik." "I SAID THAT TIA IS A BIG ASS, CAKE EATING LUMP OF FLESH!!" "Why thank you for the complement sister." I really should stop typing what I think and say, could be signs of minor schizophrenia, but nothing that a bit of fooling around with the palace guards can't solve. Tune in next tomorrow for the next chapter in Killian's Adventures in Equestria with Princess Molestia.
The Cloppy BitLast time on AMC's The Walking Dead: "We have to find a boat, a boat of Friendship. A Friendship boat, A Friend Ship." "Oh my Dayum, There's sooooo much death! Death here, death there, there is death everywhere!" "I do not want them Sam I Am, I do not want green eggs and ham!" "And then the whale was all like "What's up?!" And now..... Chapter 3 Killian woke up the next morning feeling refreshed, and also found that he really had to take a shit. As he ran to leave the guest room, he found that the door was in fact barricaded from the outside. On the verge of shitting his pants, Killian went for the next best thing: the window. As Killian began to empty his bowels out the side of Twilight's house, he heard a loud, screech of a voice, "Oooooo, is that chocolate rain!!?" Finished, Killian went to look at where the noise came from. Then he saw a certain pink pony rolling around in his shit. Bewildered, he decided to leave the crazy, shit eating pony alone, but then it hit him. "You do know that's not chocolate milk right!? Killian shouted to the certain pink pony "Well of course silly, it's obviously hot chocolate" the pink pony replied . "No, I'm pretty sure that's my shit." At this, the pink pony stopped, and somehow leaped all the way to the window, immediately covering Killian with her shit infused vomit and then proceeded to piss in his mouth. Then poof, just like that, the pony was gone. Then Twilight entered the room. "Oh Celestia, what is that awful smell?" Then she noticed Killian The Shit Covered Fatty. "Well of course that smell is coming from you. Geez, I would think you would have the decency to at least use the toilet." Twilight said, pointing to the far door. Then a nagging thought came to his head: he had been here before, not necessarily here in this exact moment, but he had seen and felt this room before. At notice of Killian pondering this, Twilight immediately grabbed the nearest blunt object, that being Spike, and beat him over the head with him. Killian awoke in a tree, and immediately fell out of said tree, and right on top of Fluttershy. Killian immediately came up to check and see if he hadn’t broken anything. turns out, he broke every bone in his body. Yep, never to walk again. Futashy quickly came to his aid. “Oh, are you alright?” “I CAN’T FUCKING FEEL ANYTHING! EVERY SINGLE PONY I MEET EITHER BEATS MY FACE IN, OR HITS ME OVER THE HEAD!! AND FOR SOME FUCKING REASON I HAVE TITS NOW!!!" Killian said, sobbing. “Oh, I’m sorry. Well I’ll just be on my way, I mean if thats ok with you.” “No it’s not ok! I can’t feel my fucking legs!” Killian said, attempting to flail her arms. “Well um, sorry, but i’m afraid I have to get home right away and feed Angel, or he’ll beat me again.” “Angel?” “Oh yes, he’s my rabbit. If I don’t feed him soon, he’s going to be very mad.” And with that, Killian was hit over the head... Again. You know Killian, you seem to get hit all too often, maybe if you weren't soo ugly, then maybe everypony Wouldn't feel the immediate need to beat yo face in. Killian regained conscienceness in a hospital bed, or what seemed to be one. As he took in her surroundings, Killian quickly took notice of the large amount of blood that littered the floor. As Killian attempted to move, nothing happened. Then came the clopping. Fluffershy came up to the edge of the bed wearing a bath robe. Killian just stared in fear/anger (I mean you can never tell with that kid) "Hey, sorry for beating you over the head, but I saw it as the only way to bring you here." Killian watched as fluttershy pulled out a carrot... And then a group of rabid gnomes came in and beat fluttershy to death, ripped her limb from limb, then carried her lifeless body to their hidey-hole, and by that, I mean Killian's butt. Tune in on the morrow for the next proverb of the Killian's Misadventures In Equestria with Princess Molestia book thing.
Shitaku I supose its time for me to begin the story, so feel free to dim the lights and shut your faces, because now we arrive at the chapter of all the chapters. Oh yes children, its the horrible, the terrifying, the absolutely cherry poppingest chapter of them all! So clench your butt cheeks, this one is going to be a doozy. It's... Chapter 4 Please do forgive me for the last chapter. I'm afraid that I was under the influence of some exotic plants found in zebra lands. Skooma I think they called it. But hey, your Princess is back to normal, or as normal as I can get. Let's turn the book to the place before all the weirdness. Shall we? We shall! Killian woke up the next morning feeling refreshed, and quite hungry. As Killian went to leave the guest room, he found that Spike was asleep outside the door. Seeing no other way to get to the kitchen, Killian decided to climb out of the window. Whilst he was climbing down, Killian lost his footing and began to fall... to his death! But what's this? A flying tree? Why by golly, it's Fluttershy! Fluttershy quick as a whistle caught the falling Killian in her arms. However, because of Newton's Law of Physics, Fluttershy's arms broke in two from the sheer weight of Killian's gelatinous body. Oooh, big words, how exciting. Anypoo, OH MY GOODNESS GRACIOUS, FLUTTERSHY'S ARMS!!! Killian quickly hurried to fluttershy's aid. "Hey, you ok?" Killian asked with concern. "Oh I'm sure I'll be alright." Fluttershy replied. "I don't think your legs are supposed to bend like that." Killian asserted. "Hey! Go get some help!" Killian said, pointing to a colt with a pi symbol and headphones for a cutie mark. Killian picked up Fluttershy and carried her into Twilight's house. "What did you do!?" Twilight asked Killian angrily. "Well, I went to go to the kitchen, and your pet dragon was in front of the door, so I went to climb out of the window, and..." "Did you try to move Spike out of the way? He is a Baby dragon, he should only weigh like ten pounds." Twilight said whilst examining Fluttershy's fore hooves. "Well there's nothing I can do here, but I do know someone who has the equipment to help." Twilight finished. "Killian, you'll have to carry Fluttershy on your back. This isn't going to be a little short of a stroll of a walk." Uh oh, looks like Killian is in for some exercise. Well I guess that's one way to lose that muffin top. As Killian and Twilight were walking, Killian bumped into a random unicorn buck hiding in the bushes. "Oh hey Twilight, what are you doing? And who's your new friend?" the seemingly random buck asked. "Taking Fluttershy to go see Joey. Killian here thought he was a flying squirrel and jumped out of my window looking for nuts. Fluttershy's attempt to stop his imminent fall proved to be futile." "Oh, and he is not my friend. He is my prisoner." Twilight said matter of factly "Woah bitch! If I wanted to run, I could!" Killian shouted. "Then run. And we'll see how far you get." Twilight challenged. And Killian was all like being a pussy and not saying "Challenge accepted." Instead he thought to himself "Aint nobody got time for that!" like the true independent black woman he wishes he could become. "Well gee Twilight, I'd be happy to take him off your hooves." the random unicorn buck said all creepy like. Killian couldn't shake the feeling that the unicorn buck was staring at him. Staring right into his very soul, maybe even beyond that! Who knows, I certainly don't. As Killian looked the buck over, Killian couldn't help but divert his eyes right to the buck's flank: he had an upside down smiley face for a cutie mark. "No I'll be quite fine. I need him to help me carry Fluttershy. So um... Bye now!" Twilight replied hurriedly. "Oh ok, bye Killian, bye Twilight." the buck said whilst receding back into the dark hole of an abyss that is my mother's heart. But let us not tarry with my family troubles, the show must go on! As The trio (Fluttershy is there too) came up to a hill, Killian noticed the darndest Thing: A house made entirely out of empty soda cans. I guess you could call it a "Coke house." now what kind of horrible, deformed, abomination of a pony may live in this house you ask? Well children, maybe if you shut your flappy things, I might just get to that part. Twilight went to knock on the "door," if a piece of cardboard could be called that. There was no answer. The trio began to walk past the "door". Inside there were dirty dishes littering the floor. Oh how dark and scary it was inside. Killian, taking the front, heard a rustle nearby. All of a sudden, a Pegasus buck came charging right toward him: "MENENNNDEZZ!!!" "Wha!?" Then the Pegasus yelled "TAE KWON DO!!" and bucked Killian right in the nuts. Bucked him so hard in fact, that Killian began to cough up blood. "Celestia, Joey! He's still carrying Fluttershy!" Twilight screamed. "You don't care about me at all, do you?" said Killian, whilst coughing up more blood. "What do you want Twilight?" Joey asked. "The kid that will never have kids again decided to use my window to practice skydiving, and landed right on top of Fluttershy. We came here hoping you could help." Twilight answered. "pffft. Ain't nobody got time for that!" Joey replied. "But I'll do it as your friend." Joey set to work gathering supplies. As he was doing this, Killian eventually regained the willpower to stand, if barely. "Auto-Docs all ready for ya!" Joey said whilst helping Fluttershy into the machine. While the machine was fixing Fluttershy, Joey walked up to the barely standing Killian. Leaned in nice and close, almost looks like they're about to kiss. Then Joey leaned toward Killian's ear and whispered: "Your Responsible..." Super glue your butt to your seat and don't take a poop for the next 24 hours, for next time is the possible( not really) finale of Killian's Misadventures in Equestria with Princess Molestia.
The Boring Part Your Princess is tired today, so there will be no intro. So enjoy this chapter while I go replenish myself with cake... Chapter 5 Shortly after his meeting with Joey, Killian remembered the whole reason he got into this mess: he was really fucking hungry. "Hey Twilight, I'm hungry. What's for lunch?" Killian asked. "Huh? Well I don't exactly know what you eat. What do you want?" Twilight asked. "How about a burger?" "Whats a burger?" "You know..." Killian said. "No, I don't think I do." "I mean like a cow." "You want to eat a COW!!?" Twilight asked perplexed "Yes." "How about some oatmeal?" "No, I want a burger." "YOU ARE NOT EATING A COW!!!" Twilight finished. "Bitch! If I want a burger, then I'll get a..." "YOU ARE GOING TO EAT OATMEAL, AND YOU ARE GOING TO LOVE IT!!!!!!!!" Fluttershy screamed, seemingly out of nowhere. "Yes ma'am!" Killian said out of fear. "Ha, you take orders from a girl." Joey said over Killian's shoulder. And so Killian ate his oatmeal for fear of Fluttershy's wrath. After Killian was done eating, he discovered that Twilight had in fact left him with Joey, and had taken Fluttershy with her too. As Killian was about to walk out Joey's "door", He was quickly tackled by Joey. "Where do you think you're going?" Joey asked, standing over Kill. "I was about to leave, butt-munch!" "Well you ain't leaving without me." "Why?" "One: Twilight's orders, and two: because your responsible." "Fine" •Joey added to party• As the duo continued to walk around Ponyville, Killian finally had enough of Joey constantly poking him in the shoulder and saying "Your responsible" repeatly. "Joeeeey, SHUT UP!!" "You're just mad 'cause you have no nips." Joey said, mockingly. 'fwip, fwip,fwip,fwip,fwip,fwip,fwip,fwip "Hey, what's that noise?" Fwip,Killian,fwip,asked.fwip,fwip,fwip,fwip, "I think it's coming from that alleyway." Joey,fwip,said,fwip,fwip,fwip,fwip,fwip,fwip "Uuuugh, I'm finished!" Said a voice from the alleyway. "What the FUCK was that!" said Killian. The duo began running toward the noise, only to find a dirty brown buck sitting in a trash can. The brown buck took notice of the duo and quickly stopped whatever it was he was doing. "Why hello strangers." The strange brown buck said. "Not many days I get visitors. You know, beside alien visitors, that stick probes up my butt and cut me open every other week. Oh, and the apperations that haunt me on many sleepless nights." "Uh huh. Well bye now!" Killian said, turning to run away from the clearly dementiated pony. "Yeah, I get those sometimes too." Joey said, much to Killian's surprise. "Don't look at me like that, it's very common to get "visitors". You could easily be mistaken for the same." Joey said matter of factly. "So what's your name?" Joey asked the brown buck. "My name is Hoboken J. Patty wackier, but everybody just calls me Hobo." "Ok, nice to meet you Hobo." Joey said, all too nicely for his actual person. "You don't seriously believe me to be friends with somebody I just met IN AN ALLEYWAY!" Killian said with utter bafflement. "First, it's pronounced "somepony". and second, I do expect you to be friends with him, It's what we ponies do." Joey finished. "That sounded gay." "Did not!!" "Yeah well, I'm bored." Killian finished. "Same here." "I guess you could call this The Boring Part." Hobo piped in. "I guess you could." Then the trio began to share a jolly good laugh and freeze framed while high-fiving mid-air. Be here in whenever I get my creativity back. It seems to have grown legs and flown away. Anyway, next time on Killian's Misadventures in Equestria with Princess Molestia...
GAP Whore In the before time, there was a chicken. His name was Fred. Now Fred so loved his brothers and sisters, that he ate them. Chapter 6 Killian woke in the night from that horrifyingly horrible dream. It was just a dream, or was it? Don't worry your little tits as to the outcome, for it was in fact, but a dream. So at this point, you must have cum to the realization that this scene held absolutely no purpose. None whatsoever. So let's skip forward a couple of theoretical hours to the figurative start of the day. Killian woke up on Joey's floor, and immediately went for the kitchen. Once there, he began to make mac and cheese. But then, a conundrum, he couldn't find any milk. Killian searched and searched, but still came up with nothing. "Joey! Where's the milk!?" Killian shouted. *Silence.... "Joey!! Where do you keep the milk!!?" Killian's only answer was utter silence... Except for the breathing. Killian looked up and met eyes with Joey. Killian made some attempt to dodge as Joey flattened him. "Oh Kilrian." Joey said childishly. "What do you want whore!!?" Killian asked agitated. "Can I ask u a question?" Joey replied. Killian looked at him flatly, waiting for this all important question. Joey's mouth curved into a sly, crooked smile. "Do u even lift bro?" Oh man, you sure did it now. I mean talk about poking the already pissed-off furless unpony thing. And in that instant, something within Killian snapped. He grabbed the knife beside him and went to strike down Joey, forever ending his utterly annoying antics forever... Joey, completely clueless as to what was about to transpire, flew to a cabinet in the far corner. Killian missed him by mere inches. Joey came back with an empty sack labeled "Goods". "Damn, all out." Joey said, overturning the sack. "Welp, looks like you and me are going on a candy run!" Joey and Killian were wandering aimlessly around Ponyville, until Killian bumped into somepony. Killian looked down and noticed a pony in what looked like a wizard cap. As the mare looked up, she met eyes with Killian and blushed. Killian returned with a smile, at this the mare jerked away with a look of scorn on her face. "Out of my way you, The Great and Powerful Trixie won't stand for you looking down upon her!" Trixie said, as she telekinetically threw Killian aside. Seeing that he wasn't yet dead. Trixie started walking toward Killian to finish the job. Then, an idea. "Since Trixie is feeling rather benevolent today, she will make you both a deal: each of you get a wish, in exchange for three years of your natural life." so said Trixie. "No deal." Replied Killian. "I wish this sack was full of candy." Joey said holding out the bag. With a flare of Trixie's horn, the bag began overflowing with candy. "Next." Trixie said. "I said no deal, Joey may be stupid enough to trade three years of his life for a bag of candy, but me, not so much." Killian finished. "How about this: The Great and Powerful Trixie sends one of your friends from your world here, with no cost against you." The Great and Oh So Benevolent Trixie offered. "And the catch?" "No catch, anybody you want, transported here." Trixie finished. "Fine, I wish Colby was in Equestria!" Trixie's horn began to glow, a spectacular light show ensued. Winds buffeted all about. With a flash of white light, a portal opened. Blinded by the light, Killian looked away. When all was done, Killian was speechless. "What the hell, where am I?" Killian just stood, dumbfounded. Joey barely stifled a laugh. Colby first looked at Killian, then the rest of his surroundings. "Whoa, is that a pony? OH MY GOD! It's a pony!!!" Colby exclaimed with glee, as he ran and hugged Trixie. Trixie quickly pushed him away and threw up a force field. Joey couldn't hold it anymore, he fell on his back, laughing uncontrollably, whilst rolling around on the ground. Killian couldn't help but just stare. Joey came up, still giggling, and shouted: "HE'S PINK!!!" Then he fell back, laughing once again. "I'm pink? What?" Colby exclaimed. Joey quickly flew over, holding a mirror that he pulled out of thin air. Colby stared for a minute at his reflection. "WHY AM I PINK!?" Colby exclaimed. "Hey! That's a good question: Why is he pink!?" Killian looked to Trixie accusingly. "Hey! Don't look at me like that! I only brought him here, I didn't choose the color." Trixie replied nervously. "And I'm a unicorn too! Actually, I have no problem with that." Colby said. "Pinkie Pie darling, what on earth are you doing with these ruffians?" A voice said behind Colby. Colby turned and looked at the white mare. "Wait, you're not Pinkie Pie." "No?" Colby asked. Rarity charged Colby, stabbing him in the neck with her horn. When she pulled out, blood gushed from the wound. "You whore! You killed Colby!!!" Killian shouted. Joey fell back "Pffft, HahaHahahahaha... See you next time for Killian's Misadventures in Equestria with Princess Molestia.... P.S. Don't look behind you....
Bite of A Muffin My Little Pony, My Little Pony, ahhahhahhahhh- chooooo! Oh goodness, that hurt! Geez. Oh, and now I'm bleeding! Welp, the whole show is ruined now! I just screwed up the most important part. Now I will probably be fired and or killed. Maybe they'll do death by fire. Well I'm fucked. Oh shit! Shes here! "Oh singer! I don't hear much singing!!" Chapter 7 Crack Well, looks like the position just opened up. A pity, she had such a beautiful voice. But the contract does say zero tolerance, and I must abide by the contract. You! Clean this up! When you're done, we'll need to put an ad in the paper for a replacement. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a book to write... A new day, a new adventure. Killian walked in the kitchen and found a note pinned to the fridge: Dear Killian, I went out for errands. Fluttershy brought some milk for you. Meet us in town square at four. -Joey P.s. You have no nips. "What the fuck." Killian said, opening the fridge. Inside was a bottle labeled: "For Killian". Killian ate cereal and got ready to leave. When he opened the door, he saw a familiar face: Trixie. She quickly turned red at having been discovered, then she did a complete 180 and donned her more personified demeanor. "What do you want hooker?" Killian asked, leaning against the doorway. "The Great And Powerful Trixie is not a hooker! Where is Joey!? I'm here to collect!" Trixie said angrily. "How the fuck should I know! I'm Supposed to meet him in town square at four." Killian said, annoyed. "Fine, Trixie will accompany you on this venture, let's go!" Trixie said, walking away. Once in town square, Killian saw all his friends: Joey flying around, Hobo talking with fluttershy, and Colby hugging the shit out of Twilight. Even that strange black unicorn buck was there. Trixie telekinetically grabbed Joey and threw him to the ground. "Hey! I believe you owe Trixie Three years of your natural life!!" Trixie huffed. "I don't think so... Do I even know you?" Joey replied. "Wha!? How could you possibly forget The Great and Powerful Trixie!!?" Trixie asked. Joey put his hoof to his chin and thought for a bit. "Nope. Don't ring a bell." Joey finalized. "Doesn't ring a... You dare belittle Trixie!!" She shouted. "Sorry. But hey, thanks for the free candy!" Joey said as he took off. "Why you little... It doesn't matter, it's not like I need your permission..." Trixie hit Joey with a bolt of green light. Joey, stunned, plummeted to the ground like a rock. Trixie came up to him, lifted his head, and kissed Joey. As she pulled away, you could see a blue aura leaving Joey and enveloping Trixie. Then Trixie shouted "I am Dovahkiin!" threw down a smoke pellet, and disappeared. "What in the fuckity fuck was that!?" Killian asked. "She be a witch!!" said a really overweight buck in a wheelchair. "Well no shit fuckface!" Killian shouted to the obese buck. "Who the fuck are..." Whilst Killian was talking, the buck took a bite out of a doughnut he pulled from his skin flaps, and then had a stroke. "The fuuuck!?" Killian said, looking at the buck. "He's fine, this happens often. As a matter of a fact, thats the third one this week." Joey said from over Killian's shoulder. "Gage!! Wake up!!!" Joey said, poking the possibly dead buck. "What is that smell!? Did he shit himself!!?" Killian asked with a look of disgust on his face. "That happens often too." Finally the buck jolted back to life. "Yarrgh, I still be alive my matey! Oh but it appears that I need to swab the poop deck. NURSE!!!" The buck shouted. "Oh, what the hay is it now? Let me guess, you soiled yourself, again." His nurse came trotting over. A blueish white unicorn mare with sky blue mane and a sky blue cross for a cutie mark, went up to the gelatinous form that is Gage, and somehow lifted him up with her magic, managed to turn him over, clean him up, and gently set him back down into the chair. "Thank you lass, my ship would sink if I be without you." Gage said. "And that right there, is Gage's nurse, Cross. Somehow, she is able to withstand that guy." Joey said over Killian's shoulder. Twilight finally managed to push Colby off enough to teleport away safely. Colby came trotting over to hug Killian. "Killian, we're in Equestria!! Isn't this great!!" Colby shouted, hugging Killian to death. "Ca.. can.. can't breathe.." "Oh sorry. But hey, check this out!" Colby said, letting Killian out of his death grip. Colby backed away and began to concentrate.... "Look out!!!" Then a dumbbell fell on Colby, then an anvil, then a piano, then a boat. "What the fuck!!! Colby!!" Killian shouted. "I'm ok!" Colby shouted, coming from behind the wreckage of the boat. Fwump A grey Pegasus mare with blonde mane smashed down, obliterating Colby into bloody chunks of pink flesh and bone. "Oops, my bad!" Said the grey mare, while looking at the mound of gore that was once Colby. Killian started charging the mare. "You whore!!!" Then the mare looked up, and Killian's heart stopped. The background turned all blurry, and there were hearts abound. Lyra got out her harp and began to play a sweet tune. Time slowed down as Killian took in the mare's eyes, her really screwed up eyes. All Killian could do was drool with a look of bliss on his face. "Um, Killian, weren't you going to avenge your friend? Helloooo, Equestria to Killian." Joey said, waving his hooves in front of Killian's face. Killian pushed Joey out of the way, and started walking towards the mare. She looked at him as he approached, or at least I think she did. "I just don't know what went wrong!" The mare said to Killian. "It's ok. What's your name?" Killian asked. "I'm Ditzy Doo. Who are you?" "I'm Killian." "Oh! I have some mail for you!" Ditzy said, looking through her mail bag. She came up with three different letters, as well as a package, and handed them to Killian. One letter contained a bank card and a key, another a bill of payment from Twilight, and lastly, an invite to dinner with the princesses. Killian looked over the package: it was pretty damn dinged up. He shook it and heard nothing. When he opened it, he found a note inside. It read: Here's something to get it started. ~ M Inside was a basket full of muffins. Derpy, sniffing the air, flew and shoved her face into the box. "OMG! Muffins!" Ditzy said in between mouthfuls of the pastry. Killian just stood there, watching her bury her face in the muffins. When she had finished, she came up, looked at Killian with a huge ass smile. And gave him a big sloppy kiss. When she pulled away, Killian had the taste of blueberry in his mouth. "Thank you soo much! Here's a house key, see you tonight. don't forget to bring more muffins!" Ditzy said as she turned and flew off. Killian resumed that look of utter bliss. Joey flew up behind him. "You have derpies now...." See you next time! Oh, and watch out for the rogue wizard Trixie. Don't be accepting any deals from strange people in alleyways kiddos, you might develop bad ju-ju. Definitely don't accept deals from people whose silhouette resembles that of a demon, because chances are, it's either the devil, or a Deathclaw in a cowboy hat.
We All Fall DownAhem...Chapter 1 This is the story of a boy/man-child and the happenings that well happen because he causes them to happen. But anyway, let's start the story... Killian fell from the sky, and well died... Psych, the death part comes later though, lots and lots of death is to ensue. For right now, Killian did in fact fall, right into Bon Bon's lap. "ahhhhhhhhhh", screamed Bon Bon, as she pushed the fur-less, unpony thing from between her legs. "What is that thing?" exclamasked Lyra, who was sitting beside Bon Bon in the weird fashion in which she does. For you see, Killian, the afore mentioned fur-less, unpony thing, would have died if not for landing his face right into Bon Bon's pussy, and by pussy, I mean her cat, Meowth. Yes it is in fact the poke'mon Meowth. Now what was Meowth doing in between Bon Bon's legs? Well your guess is as good as mine. Now back to Killian the human man. Lyra, fearful for her virginity, kicked the unconscious Killian in the face and left him in the street to rot. As Killian the non pony regained conscienceness, he began to hear voices, perhaps he was going crazy, but not likely. "What the hay is that thing?" pondered Applebloom ponderously. "I've never seen one of these before." inserted Sweetiebell. "Maybe it came from the zoo?" asked/ stated? Scootaloo. Now Killian's face was so disfigured from the beating Lyra gave him, that our hero could easily be mistaken for a fish, and since Kill so loved fish sticks, that must make him a gay fish. Now as Kill the gay fish began to rise, he so frightened the trio with his horrible disfigurement, that they too bucked him in the face, and fleed for fear of having to look at his god awful features. Killian, The No Longer Fish, awoke in a bed that was not his own, In a room that made no sense. He was in a tree. As the far door slowly creaked open, Killian quickly went back down and pretended to be asleep, as to ascertain as to whom his kidnapper might be. As the the door slid open, he heard, was that clopping? Immediately, Killian sprang up ready to attack. Startled, the lavender mare instantly blasted him... in the dick... Killian, the now dickless hero of our story, awoke in a hospital bed. As he shifted, he discovered that he was in fact bound to the bed. Once again, the far door slowly creaked open, and once again Kill-Ian heard clopping. As he moved to look at the door, in walked the same lavender mare as before, focused on a clipboard and jotting things down. Now that Killian wasn't trying to spring himself on her, he took notice of her features. She was a fucking pony. But of course she was a fucking pony, you are reading a pony fan-fic aren't you? I mean really, did you honestly think it would be something else other than a pony? Equestria is in the god damned name. God, my audience must be a bunch of fur-less apes with, let me guess, opposable thumbs? As I was saying before I was so rudely interupted by your utter stupidity. As she came closer to the bed, she lifted her eyes from the clipboard and started back. She stood there a couple of seconds, to be exact: 46 seconds of her life that she will never get back, were just wasted by standing there. Then, she spoke. "Sorry for shooting you... There, but its ok, because it was for science, and science is good, I think." "Any way, nothing could be done about your "thing," so we kinda just burned it, so you'll be pleased to know that it is now gone forever." Killian began to cry liquid pride. "Yep, never to be seen again." The mare finished. At that, Killian began to ball his eyes out. At notice of this, Twilight moved closer and began licking the tears off his face. "Yes!" she exclaimed, "Let me taste your sadness!" And then Killian woke up, still in the street, with his face beat in. What a horrible start for our young hero you say? Well, it's only going to get worse. Kill the human, finally fully conscience, I mean it's about time you lazy ass, just laying there, taking up valuable space for four hours, you should be ashamed. Any who, as Killian took in his surroundings, he noticed a familiar sight: a tree house. Kill began to stumble toward the door in the dead of night. At a knock on the door, someone quickly answered. "Who the hay knocks on someone's door at this time of night?" asked the lavender mare, then she stopped, stared, and quickly slammed the door. "Hey, you hooker, open up!" Killian shouted. He waited there, once again taking up valuable space, when he heard a click from the door. The door slowly creaked open, only revealing darkness inside. Once inside, the door slammed shut behind him, and a quick pain went to his head, then darkness. killian was jolted awake by a sharp smack across the face. "Who are you, and what are you doing here?" said a mysterious voice from behind the blaring light. "Who are you and what are you doing here?" asked Killian. "Hey! I asked first!" squealed the mysterious voice. “I’m Killian, and i’m going to assume that you’re the whore who hit me in the back of the head!" "perhaps I am, what of it? Nopony, or whatever you are, is going to rape my Twilight!" "Excuse me? I just wanted to know where I am." explained Killian. "uh huh, and yet you proceeded to call Twilight a hooker, you deeply hurt her feelings with that." "Well I'm sorry but... ENGLISH MOTHER FUCKER, DO YOU SPEAK IT!" "What was... ENGLISH MOTHER FUCKER, DO YOU SPEAK IT!" "WHAT THE HAY IS THAT HORRIBLE NOISE?!" In a flash, the lavender mare was standing before him. Her horn began to glow, removing the phone from his pocket. "What is this? Your alien communicator!?" "No dickweed, it's my cell phone, how the fuck does it still work here?" questioned Killian. "Who is William?" "That's black man, what did he say?" "Hey, we'll be asking the questions here bub. First question: Why should I not call the authorities?" "Because, as I said before, I'm not here to rape Twilight." "Likely story..." Then Killian noticed a slight sparkle in Twilight's eyes. Her horn began to glow once again, and Killian found that he was no longer bound to the chair. " Well it's too late at night to let this go on, Killian you can take the guest... ENGLISH MOTHER FUCKER, DO YOU SPEAK IT! "HOW DO I TURN THIS THING OFF!??" Twilight screamed. "You press that button for three seconds." Killian said, showing her the button. "Thank you, as I was trying to say, you can sleep in the guest room. But don't try to leave, Spike here will be keeping guard." "But Twilight, I thought we were going to finish playing pin the dragon on the pony.." "Spike! Shut up!" And with that, our hero went to the guest room and laid in the bed. "What have I gotten myself into?" What perils await our hero, will he die in the end of the next chapter, not likely, but find out in the next chapter of Killian's Misadventures in Equestria with Princess Molestia.
A Pink Dilemma "Why I must say, this has been absolutely splendiferous! "Indubitably so my dear chap!" "Yeees, Why I dare say, we could end this tale right here!" "Indeed! Why, everyone would most likely be very happy that the story just suddenly ended." Huhuhuhuhuhuhuh, why dare say sir, it appears you have spontaneously combusted!" "It appears that I in fact have, Charles. HuhuhhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuAhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Chapter 8 In life, there are always choices, a crossroads where you decide your direction, but still achieve the same, but different result. The key The bill The invite Lets use the power of elimination to find the answer, class. If M>T=69, then what is the probability that Killian will ever get laid? Anyone? No? Well look at it this way: Killian received the dinner invitation three days before the event, so we can know for certain that he will not go to that one immediately. The bill from Twilight can not be paid unless Killian has bits; Killian haz no bits. So, we must say that we know for certain, that Killian will most likely, most definitely take the key. "1st National Bank of Cloudsdayle." Killian read aloud, looking at the bank card. Everypony had left after that strange showing of affection and the festivities that followed suit. Or at least, that's how it happened in his head anyway. But in reality, Everypony left to go to Colby's funeral. "Psst... Pssst.... Hey! Over! Here!" Killian walked over to the tree. "Stay away from Cloudsdayle!" said the voice from the tree. "Why?" "You don't want to get involved in things you don't understand!" "I don't... Wait! Fluttershy!?" "No, this isn't Fluttershy, I am just a tree." the tree said. Then Killian was knocked out.... Killian woke up on Twilight's doorstep. In a daze as to what exactly just happened, Killian knocked on the door, and Twilight answered. "Oh hey Killian, you get my letter?" Twilight asked. "Yes?" "So you have my money?" "Uh.. No?" "Oh. Well how do you plan on paying me?" Twilight asked. "I don't know?" "Oh...." It was at this point that an awkward silence ensued, inevitably killing a blind orphan foal. Finally, a jovial pink pony spoke up, in quite a big way. "Twilight, who are you talking.... (Don't know the audible spelling for gasp)" the pink pony leaped into the air, gasping, then shot out the back of the library, leaving a giant, gaping hole in Twilight's house. "Celestia dammit! Pinkie!!!" Twilight screamed, looking through where Pinkie had gone. Then she disappeared, and reappeared in front of Killian. "Now, about your payment, I might have some things in mind..." Twilight said, a sly look on her face and a slight sparkle in her eye. With a flare of her horn, Killian fell to the ground, paralyzed. She then floated out a small chest from the top of a bookshelf and set it next to her. Then, in a flash of green, she revealed herself to be Chrysalis, queen of the changelings. Out of the chest came an ice bag and a scalpel. "Your kidney should go for a fairly good price on the black market." Chrysalis said. "Wait... What!! You can't take my kidney, I need that!" Killian complained. "Oh, stop your whining. You do have two of them, and you only need one to live." Chrysalis finished. Chrysalis raised the scalpel and got ready to make the incision. Crash!!! When Killian looked up, he saw wreckage all around... As well as a pink form hugging the living shit out of Chrysalis. It was Colby! Hiss,"Let go of me, you!" At that, Colby just hugged harder. Not sure of any other way to escape the imprisonment of Colby's arms, Chrysalis changed back into Twilight. "Hey, pink one, let go of me. It's Twilight." Chrysalis attempted to deceive. "TWILIGHT!!!" Colby screamed with glee, as he hugged even harder. Chrysalis began to writhe. "Awww, somebody's cranky. Ooo, I know, you want some BELLY RUBS!!" Colby yelled as he began to turn Chrysalis/Twilight over on her back. "Wait! Noooo!" Chrysalis screamed as Colby rubbed her belly vigorously. "Hahaha...you are evil....hahahagaffa..I'm going to kill you after this...hagafdfhzaghgncczgbnjha!" Chrysalis/Twilight screamed in between monotonous laughter. "Pbbbbt..Pbbbbt....Pbbbt!" Colby began making raspberries on her belly. "Ahhhhahahahahahahagagfjchcxbkcchcudnfjcdvvhfhdxhdvdvjdjcdimañana" and then Chrysalis exploded from an overdose of love. "Awwww, look at all the hearts." Colby said in wonder. "Oh hey Killian! Whatcha doin on the floor!? Time to get up sleepy head!" "Om can ghet op." "What was that?" Colby asked. "ah sad Om can ghet op!!!" Killian said. "Ooooh, well why didn't you say so. We'll getcha better lickety split!" Colby said. "Now let's just see if I remember how to do this." Colby backed away into the center of the room, closed his eyes, and squished his face into a cross between a smile and a grimace. His horn began to glow, papers started flying all around. He then blasted the floor in front of him, and there was a bright light. "Ooh Fluttershy.." Twilight moaned, sitting in the tub. Then she noticed where she was. "Ahhhhh!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE!!?" Twilight said, eyes wide, having stopped whatever it was she was doing with that shower-head. She then teleported the tub away and spawned a towel. "If any of you say anything, I'll send your butt to the moon, literally." Twilight told the two of them. "Now what seems to be the problem?" Twilight walked over and examined Killian. "Wow, a powerful sedative. Let's consult my book of completely dangerous spells, that if done incorrectly, can cause absolutely horrible circumstances. Let's hope 356th times the charm." Twilight said, drawing a book from the very same chest Chrysalis produced from the top shelf. "Tree hunbred iffy ith!!!" Killian cried. "Well, here goes nothing, and by nothing, I mean everything, as in you will lose everything if I screw this up." Twilight said, readying for the all powerful spell that will hopefully restore Killian's mobility. "We call upon the spirits to blah blah blah... Here we go!" Twilight yelled. "Wingardium leviosa...Wingardium leviosa... Wingardium Leviosa..." Twilight began to chant. "Wingardium Leviosa... Wingardium Leviosa! Wingardium Leviosa!! WINGARDIUM LEVIOSAAAA!!!" At this, there were large gusts going, "Whew, whew, whew whew!!" and then more gusts, stronger than the normal ones, and they were all like, "Zhuu, Zhuu Zhuu, Zhuu!!!" Colby saw a gaping maw open up in the ground, tearing up floor boards and such. A large, shadowy figure arose from the dark portal that Twilight created. The trio st..st..stared in absolute terror as the shadow leered back at them with fiery red eyes. oh! What a terrifyingly horrible sight it was, why, I'm pretty sure I just wet myself. Oh how horribly horrible. The dark shadow began to rise up, even more than before. Oh so dark and foreboding, surely this must be the end of days.... It's converging on Twilight now... It's shooting off, about to hit twilight in the eye(that's what she said).... Aaand, Pinkie Pie! "Oh hey twilight, I came here to pay for your ohgggggghtchxhxvf!" said Pinkie, as she took it all in her mouth(again, that's what she said). Pinkie floated into the air, eyes shining like great, big, light, things. There was moaning of ponies long past, and an oh so scary deep laugh, Wha Wha Wha. Kinda sounds like Wario's laugh. White figures began to circle Pinkie's body... Aaaand, Spike walks in. The white figures stop circling Pinkie's body, the laugh that sounds like Wario stops, the moaning is finalized, her eyes stopped glowing, and the floor closed up, dropping Pinkie to the ground. "Well... That could have gone worse right?" Twilight said, looking to Colby and the still immobilized Killian. "Right!?" "Twilight! We need moar sprinkles!!" Spike said, very loudly. "Spike, if you continue to eat all that ice cream, your gut will positively, most definitely explode!" Twilight said to Spike, with absolute sincerity. "Pffft, that's future Spike's problem." Spike said, rolling out of the room. Twilight then returned her attention to the big fat elephant in the room: Killian. Yup, Killian had in fact been transformed into an elephant. Who knew that you could get any bigger, Killian. Then Twilight diverted her attention to her maybe-dead friend, Pinkie. Pinkie sprang up. "Pinkie Pie?" Twilight said, as she reached out to her dear friend. Pinkie's eyes sprang open, looked around, stopped and looked at Twilight, then opened her mouth to speak... "Whoa shit! I gotta go get some Kool Aid!" Pinkie said, as she bolted, flying like a plane. "Excuse me!? Pinkie!!" Twilight screamed after her. "Prrrrrt!!" Killian bellowed. Twilight stopped where she was and turned back. "Right, elephant." Twilight said to herself. She went all avatar state and returned Killian back to his original form. "Let's go, Speed racer, Go!!!" Twilight screamed. Elsewhere... "Happy Birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear Granny, happy birthday to you." "Alright, blow out your candles and make a wish, Granny!" Applebloom commanded. "Ah gaggle fang it! Ahm supposed to be dead by now!" Granny said. "Now don't be speaking like that, you're all Ah have since mah parents died. Without you, Ah would surely sell Applebloom to fuel mah incestuous drug habit." Applejack told Granny. "Yeah Granny, don't so selfisWait! What!?" Applebloom said, looking at Applejack. "Eeyup!" Macintosh got his piece in. "All righty, before we eat this plentiful bounty of this month's harvest, let's say grace." Applejack reached over to grab Big Macintosh's hoof, but accidentally tipped over the jug of milk. Everypony stopped. Applebloom started to cry. "Oh no!" "Oh no!!" "Oh no!!!!" ........................................ Crash "OH YEAH!!!" Pinkie said, as she crashed into the dining room. "Oh hey Pinkie, you're just in time for dinner! We're having chicken." Applejack pulled off the cover for the main course, revealing a tied-up Scootaloo. "AHHHHHH!" Applebloom screamed, as she was scooped up by Pinkie Pie. "Now Pinkie, we're all just as hungry as you, but stealing Mah sister ain't very friendful of ya." Applejack said to Pinkie. "Gotta get sum Kool Aid!!" Pinkie said, as she made another hole in the barn, collapsing the structure all around the Apples. "Well, Ah reckon it's time we RAISE THIS BARN!!!" Applejack shouted. Twilight, Colby, and Killian came running toward the commotion. "Oh hey Twilight! Why you're just in time to eat this chicken." Applejack said, pointing to Scootaloo. "I'm not even going to ask... Where is Pinkie Pie, she owes me money!" "Why Ah reckon that Ah saw them up in them vents." Applejack told Twilight, pointing to the sky. "What!?" "Well whatcha just standin' there for, let's go get Pinkie Pie!" Applejack said, grabbing Twilight by the hoof. "So who's the new guy? quite handsome I must say. Perhaps he'd like to help me buck some apples one of these days." Applejack said, giving Killian the rape stare. "Right! Introductions! Applejack, Killian. Killian, Applejack." Twilight said, pointing between the two while running. "How'd you like to take the reins and ride this pony 'till the cows come home?" Applejack said, still staring all rapey. "Yeah! Do that later! Now, Pinkie!" Twilight said, still running. Ahhhhhhhhhh!! "Where'd that come from?" "Ah reckon it came from the Carousel Boutique." Applejack said to Twilight. "Oh no! Rarity!" The quintet diverted directions. "Three! Two! One! Let it rip!!!" "Now what the buck is goin' on here!?" Applejack squealed like a pig. "Why Pinkie so graciously offered to play beyblade with me, as well as kindly brought Applebloom over to play with Sweetie Belle." Rarity said to the quintet. "Oh really, well where is Applebloom?" Applejack inquired as to the whereabouts of her oh so dear sister. "Last I checked, she was in the basement with Sweetie Belle making cupcakes." Rarity told them. "Pinkie, you cheated! You are not supposed to flip the board!" "Well look at the time, time to get some Kool Aid!! Beam me up Scottie!" Pinkie said, as she teleported away. "What in the fuck just happened!?" Killian said, for his one line of dialogue in this chapter. "Ah don't know, nor do Ah care, but don't you use your fancy mathematics to muddle the issue." Applejack told Killian. "We gotta go!!" Twilight said, running off. The rest followed. Colby decided to go ahead, running as fast as his legs can carry. "Feet don't fail me now!" Colby said, gaining on Pinkie. "Gotchya!" Colby said, having tackled Pinkie from behind. "Ha ha" Colby exclaimed. Pinkie Pie turned her head a complete 180, and vomited acid into Colby's mouth. He died very unceremoniously, like Isaac Clarke in Dead Space 2. "Oh my god, she killed Colby!" "His sacrifice will not go on vain! But will you please SHUT THE BUCK UP!!" Twilight screamed. Pinkie took off again, running towards Sugar Cube Corner. "Where is she going!?" Twilight yelled. "Well the voice from the sky obviously just said she was heading toward Sugar Cube Corner." Applejack said like a smart ass. "Hey!" Ahhhhhhhhh!! "Oh no! What now!?" "I've already told you! We have no Kool Aid! I don't even know what that is! But if your still not happy, then take my wife, just don't hurt me!" Mr. Cake said, offering Ms. Cake to Pinkie. "Never fear! Your neighborhood Applebucker is here!!"Applejack shouted, swinging around a lasso that she seemingly pulled from her ass. "Gotcha!" Applejack said, as she hogtied Pinkie Pie. "WINTER WRAP UP! WINTER WRAP UP!!" "SHUTTHEBUCKUPPINKIE!!!" Applejack screamed, bucking Pinkie in the face. "Twilight! do your sciencey whatsits!" "Ok! Let's see... Get me some salt stat, I can't really examine her when she's bouncing around like a mexican jumping bean!"Twilight exclaimed, shoving a whole bottle of salt down Pinkies gullet. "Ok, now speak Pinkie! What's wrong!? What's with the fixation on Kool aid!?" Twilight asked. "Huh, huh, huh, need..water..." "Get me some water, ASAP!" "Now speak!" Twilight exclaimed. "your friend's body belongs to me now!" "Uh oh!" Twilight gasped. "What uh oh?" Applejack asked. "Pinkie has been POSSESSED! We need some holy water, now!" "Well Ah don't have any of that fancy smancy holy water, but Ah reckon that some good ol' fashion'd Apple family apple cider ought to do the trick!" Applejack exclaimed, preceding to piss on Pinkie Pie. "You can't just pee on her, that's not going to do anything!" Killian yelled. "Actually, Apple family apple cider has devious spirit dispelling properties." Said Joey, from over Killian's shoulder. "Where the fucked you come from!?" Killian asked Joey. "Well I've been in your party the whole time, you just forgot to set me back in, so I used some of my master hacking abilities and gained access to the lineup. Since Colby unfortunately died, that left one slot open for me." Joey said, matter of factly. "Nooo! I still need Kool Aid!!" Cried Pinkie. "Go back from whence you came, demon!" Applejack exclaimed. Pinkie started squeeing and yipping. Finally, Pinkie opened wide as the spirit left her body and returned to the bowels of the earth, never to be seen again. "Mmmm, apple cider!" Pinkie exclaimed. "Yay! pinkie is back to normal!" Twilight exclaimed. Everypony got together in a big group hug, giggling and squeezing each other. Aaaand... Scene! "Alright everybody! Good job!" "Mark, be sure to return the Twilight Sparkle costume at the end of the day, last time, it came back a bit sticky, with maple syrup!" "Alright Jim, next time I'll remember to not eat pancakes while in costume." "Have a good day Jake! See you tomorrow!" "Yeah Killian. Be sure to learn your lines next time! You were a bit lacking!" "Killian! The network wants to have a talk with you!" That can't be good "You wanted to see me Ms..." "Molestia is fine..." Next Time...Stuff Happens...Be There...Or Be...Square.
