Luna sat in the circle of candles, her mind cleared and completely focused on the task at hand. The slight fragrance of smoke distracted her for a moment, and she stopped her incantation. Absolutely nothing could go wrong; she didn't want him missing an arm or a leg when he got there. Before she started again, she peeked an eye open, getting one last look at the room around her. Nicely furnished, bed looked inviting enough. She lifted a forearm and sniffed herself. No offending odors. Her hair was in order.
Luna was tired of sleeping alone every day, and today, she wouldn't have to. Seeing as she had about 2-3 hours before her sister rose the sun up, and she didn't want to wait until tomorrow to do it, she went back to her incantations.
“Ko, prinsesa ng gabi, ipatawag isinasaad ng isang tao.
Mula sa Daigdig ko tumawag sa kanya,
Sa lupain ay siya darating,
Bago ang kanyang numero isang tagahanga!”
Luna cast the spell with a discharge of energy, leaving a tingling feeling behind in the room. She cracked open an eye and looked around with a hopeful smile.
But something was wrong.
The human she summoned was not there.
No hands, no feet, no cute little tuft of head hair.
But the spell had definitely worked; all that energy couldn't have just disappeared.
So... where was he?
~
Lyra stared at the screen blankly. She glanced in the lower left corner. 3:54 AM. She was almost sad she didn't have to go to work tomorrow; she felt like she was being robbed of the full experience of staying up to absurd hours, considering she had the luxury of sleeping through the whole morning.
F5.
No new posts.
/mlh/ was slow this time of night. Still, the alternative was Humanchan. Lyra shuddered a little.
F5.
No new posts.
Lyra exhaled and realized she forgot what other tabs she even had open. She tabbed over.
Oh, right. Hoomanbooru. Lyra thought for a second if it was a bad sign that all of her computer activity was currently dedicated to My Little Human.
…
…
…
Nah.
F5.
One new post.
Lyra leaned in close to the monitor, scanning the text. Immediately, she leaned back with disappointment. Just another one of THOSE posts.
“You're sitting in your room when suddenly you hear something coming from the kitchen. You go to investigate and you find >pic related standing there.” (Picture of shirtless human next to an open refrigerator with his mouth full of food, looking at the camera with wide eyes like a cat that's been caught doing something naughty.) “Wat do?”
Shitposting. Pure shitposting. That was all Lyra ever saw these days.
Well, nothing else was going on. Might as well reply.
“I'd clean him up, ask him how he got here, welcome him to Equestria and then >rape.”
Yeah. Pure shitposting.
Lyra pressed submit.
Then she heard a loud crash.
Coming from the kitchen.
Lyra blinked. She could still hear Bonbon snoring from the next room, so it wasn't her. Then who was it? Did an animal break in? Was somepony robbing them? Lyra levitated her baseball bat from the corner and moved away from the computer, towards the door. The kitchen was right around the corner from her office. Sneaking without a sound, she slowly pushed open the door and peeked around the side to look into the kitchen.
The scene that unfolded in front of her was one she was not prepared for.
Something big was standing in her kitchen. Something standing on two legs. It was raiding her fridge.
Lyra tightened her magic grip on the bat and snuck up behind it. Was it a diamond dog? If it was, why was it hitting the fridge first? There was plenty of other stuff in the house to steal. Lyra crept up behind the shadowy figure and lifted up her bat. Just then, it turned around to face her.
“Do you have any milk? Your food is all dry as hell.”
Lyra hit him over the head with a baseball bat.
And that's when she noticed it was a human.
A pretty hot human, to boot.
Horseapples.
~
It was the next morning, about 3 hours later. The human sat at the dining table, an ice pack on his head to combat the swelling. Bonbon was freaking out, as was her general reaction to pretty much everything ever. She paced back and forth, stopping to groan and slam her hooves on the table, only to be at a loss for words and continue pacing again. Lyra sat at the kitchen table, staring across at the human seated on the other side with wide eyes. He looked to be about 5 - 6 feet tall, as she knew most humans were. He had a bit of a clueless air to him, almost like he knew where he was but didn't quite know what he was doing. Lyra decided to interrupt Bonbon's wordless rant.
“So, do you have a name?” Lyra knew all the main characters in the show, and a lot of the fandom's secondary ones, but they had so many randomly generated background characters that no one could memorize them all. There was a calculated 7 billion of them.
He looked up. “Anonymous. You can call me Anon. And you have quite the swinging arm, I might add.”
“Y-yeah, sorry about that...” Not a human Lyra had heard of. She decided she'd search him up anyways, in the hopes that he might have some fanart or something dedicated to him. Obscure background characters usually had at least one or two pieces, if they looked cool enough and showed up more than once.
“Nice to meet you, Anon.” Now that Lyra thought about it, he was pretty hot. Humans were all pretty hot. Even the women. If Bonbon weren’t there she'd probably already be hitting on him.
Speaking of, Bonbon returned from her pacing for the 4th or 5th time. She slammed her hooves on the table... and went back to pacing. Lyra predicted she'd need to do it about 3 more times before she'd be ready to talk.
“So, how did you end up here?”
Anon shrugged. “I don’t know.”
“... how do you not know something like that?”
He shrugged again, this time more exaggerated. “I don't know. I was browsing the internet like usual, fell asleep in my chair and then woke up on your kitchen floor.” He gestured around the floor aimlessly.
Lyra found it strange, a random background human materializing in her kitchen. Bonbon came back and slammed her hooves on the table, paused for a brief moment with her mouth open, and then went back to pacing. One.
Anon gave a confused glance. “Does she normally do that?”
“Only when she's really stressed.”
“How often is that?”
“Pretty much always.”
“Ah.”
Bonbon slammed her head against the wall a few times before coming back to the table and doing the usual routine. Two.
“Why is she stressed now?”
“I think this morning it's that she doesn't like 6 foot tall hairless beings appearing in her house. Also, she's pretty adamant against letting them stay.”
“Letting them stay?” He cast a quizzical glance.
“Yeah. I figure you need a place to stay, don't you? I asked Bonbon if it was ok and then this happened.”
Bonbon returned to the table once more, slamming her hooves on the table. Three. She turned to face Lyra.
“... WHAT IS IT, EVEN?”
Three more times, totally called it. Lyra had difficulty hiding her smirk.
“He's a human, and he's harmless. Why can't he stay here? Give one good reason.”
Bonbon pointed a hoof in Anon's direction.
“IT'S HUGE, WALKS ON TWO LEGS AND IT HAS NO FUR.”
“That’s a bit racist, Bonbon. I thought you were above that.” Lyra giggled as Bonbon tried killing her with a glare. “C'mawn, what's the worst that could happen? He can take the guest room. You're gone all day anyways, you'll never have to see him.”
Bonbon threw her forehooves in the air and slammed them both down on the ground, turning and trotting away from the table. “Fine. Whatever. I have to go to work in 30 minutes. Make sure he doesn't destroy the house or anything.”
“It'll be fine. Go get ready or whatever you do in the mornings.”
Anon and Lyra watched Bonbon leave the room, her palpable anger and an awkward silence lingering behind. Lyra sat still, staring at Anon.
“... don’t eat her, alright? We can get meat from other places for an omnivore like you.”
Anon cast a glance before realizing she was joking. He smiled and began laughing, and Lyra soon joined in. This was going to be awesome, she decided.
~
The TV flickered on mute as the commercials rolled, the only source of light in Lyra's office. The title was a bit misleading, she thought. “Office” implied she worked in there. As it stood, Lyra's office was more of a dark room with a computer, a TV and various other things to keep her distracted. This is where she spent most of her time, considering she was not officially employed. Maybe a better name for it was “den”. Her signature golden lyre sat in the corner, shiny as ever. She always found time for that, at least. She levitated an ice cream sandwich into Anon's hand and took a seat next to him on the couch.
Anon seemed somewhat confused. “Alright, so, let's get this straight. What exactly am I about to watch?”
“Season 3.”
“Of My Little Human, right. Who is the main character?”
“There isn't really one. Sometimes the show follows a specific person but they usually die pretty quickly. I mean, the show jumps years at a time.”
“Really? That's pretty cool. What does the show actually touch on?”
“Well, it kinda jumps around time and space a lot. One episode will be about China in the early B.C.'s and then the next will take place in the U.S. in the late 1800's.”
Anon nodded. “This is trippy. Ponies have a show about humans for older stallions and humans have a show about ponies for little girls.”
“That's another thing I wanted to ask about; you said you were a fan of My Little Pony? Is that like, the same thing but with us instead of you?”
Anon nodded. “Similar. It follows the Twilight Sparkle and the other Elements of Harmony, though.”
“Oh, figures. Those mares get a lot of attention, especially after the Changeling Invasion fiasco.”
Anon ruffled Lyra's mane. With his hands. Lyra stiffened a little.
“They're not the only ones in it, though. I see you in there all the time. You even have a speaking line at one point! I think it's safe to say you're the fandom's favorite pony right now.”
“R-really? What do they say about me?”
“There's a lot of funny joking around about how you're obsessed with humans and hands, just because of the way you sat on a bench once. Kind of how you're sitting now. It's dumb, I know.”
Lyra looked down at herself, with her legs dangling over the side of the couch human-style. When did she start doing that? And it was fair to say that she WAS obsessed with humans. She was the only one in Ponyville that watched the show, as far as she knew.
“Hah. Hahaha. That- that is pretty dumb.”
“That reminds me to ask. Is there a fandom for this show too?”
Oh yeah, there was a huge following in places like Manehatten and Los Pegasus. The show had taken off like crazy on the internet.
“Nope. None at all.”
The less he knew about the fandom the better.
“Huh. Alright, then.”
10 o'clock struck and the show started. They watched it in semi-silence, Anon interjecting once or twice to comment. The new episode took place during the United States' Industrial Revolution; it followed a negligible family living in the US, taking place in the early 1900's. It was actually pretty decent social commentary, and entertaining as well.
Anon turned to look at Lyra as the credits rolled. She seemed like she had scooted closer during the show when he wasn't looking. She was practically laying against him. Before he could comment, she got up and trotted out of the room.
“Gimme a sec, I gotta go hit the loo. Don't break anything unless you think it would make Bonbon mad.”
~
Anon glanced around the room, taking it all in. He walked over to lyre in the corner and had a quick strum of the strings. It sounded about as pretty as he expected. He thought he ought to ask Lyra to play it for him sometime. His attention was drawn to the computer in the corner as an alert noise pierced the silence. Pulling up the chair, he plopped down in front of it. It appeared that Miss Heartstrings forgot to lock her computer, he observed. Elementary mistake, my dear.
~
Lyra paced the bathroom, taking deep breaths. Sweet Celestia, he touched her. It was almost like they had sex. Lyra didn't know a lot about relationships, especially human ones, but she was almost entirely sure they were at least at 5th base or whatever it was. She stared at herself in the mirror for a few minutes until she regained at least partial composure. Play it cool. She was smooth. Lyra could get all the humans she wanted. Even the women. She just had to put on the... what did they call it... suave, yeah. Just had to put on the suave.
Lyra slammed open the bathroom door and made her way back to her den with newfound confidence.
Confidence that immediately disappeared as she rounded the corner and noticed Anon on her computer.
Buck.
He turned around to face her, his face hinting no specific emotion.
“You liar.”
~
Lyra sat in Anon's lap as he scrolled through her IM contacts. She was part of a huge network of human roleplayers; looking down the list, he could identify names such as Barack Obama, Shakespeare, even a Gilbert Gottfried. Anon absent-mindedly stroked his hand through Lyra's mane once or twice. He was in utter disbelief; a few of the names in front of him weren't even real people. They were fictional ones from popular and even relatively obscure media. The fact that the ponies were able to extract this much information about the human world from one TV show, with only 3 seasons, astounded him. He chuckled to himself as he scrolled past a Space Marine.
“Lyra, this is incredible. I know most of this stuff isn't in the show. Where did it come from?”
She shrugged. “Most of it's headcanon. A lot of it was briefly mentioned or even just hinted at and the fans took it and made it something new.”
Anon was impressed. Maybe the fanon had an effect on the real world; it seemed to be the case here, and Lyra herself was a testament that it worked both ways. He had a chat open on the side, the one that had just gone off that drew him to the computer in the first place. It was a PM from a human RPer, one John D. Rockefeller. Several messages.
(JDR)todays episode was awesome
even tho it was about the steel industry, i still learned a little bit about the era Rockefeller was in
you had a lot of really good scenes in there too
what did you thinl?
think?
Anon glanced down at Lyra. “You want to respond to this one?”
She nodded and sat up, placing her hooves on the keyboard. Anon watched perplexed as she was able to type perfectly on it, without even sacrificing her grammar.
(JDR)what did you thinl?
think?
(AC)I thought it was great. I did have some real good scenes, didn't I?
(JDR)hell yeah
Carny fuckin' owned that steel industry
i still dont get why he sold out and merged
Anon had to stop it there.
“Wait, wait, wait. You RP Andrew Carnegie?”
She nodded.
“And you're currently chatting with Rockefeller? John Rockefeller?”
She nodded again.
Anon tried not to snicker at the strange choice in characters. “Ok, continue.”
(JDR)i still dont get why he sold out and merged
(AC)Many would argue it's because he was tired of leading that kind of life. He was tired of managing the business and he got a buckload of money from that deal. He lived the rest of his life doing literally nothing but spend his money and donate the rest to charity.
(JDR)i still dont get it
if Rocky was in the steel business instead of the oil business he wouldn't have sold
way too much opportunity for profit there
(AC)And that's why Carnegie is best human.
(JDR)dont you dare start that minotaur crap again
Lyra giggled and receded into Anon's lap, apparently satisfied with how that conversation went. Anon immediately went back to messing with her mane.
“Do you know that pony in real life?”
“Sorta. I know she's a Pegasus who lives up in Manehatten. We've been internet friends for a while now.”
“And who are all these other roleplayers?”
“I dunno all of them. Some of them are more private than others, some take their characters really seriously, some are basically just themselves with the name of some human slapped over them. They're all a lot of fun though.”
The computer ding'd as another alert popped up on screen. Another pony joined the chat, this one under the alias of Marie Curie. Lyra immediately sat up and started pecking at the keys.
(AC)And that's why Carnegie is best human.
(JDR)dont you dare start that minotaur crap again
MC has joined the chat
(MC)we talking about new human?
(JDR)hells yeah
early 1900s humans master race
(MC)XD
lol where's carny?
(AC)Right here.
(MC)you completely owned that episode.
(AC)I know, right?
The three ponies idly chatted as Anon sat watching. He was soon distracted by Lyra's tail, slowly swishing back and forth across his chest as Lyra stood up in his lap, forehooves on the keyboard. For the first time, Anon really took a moment to get a good look at Lyra. He traced over the lyre on her flank with a finger, careful to only hover above and not touch. The tail really started to annoy him. He tried moving it out of the way, but it just came swishing back with a mind of its own. Anon got more aggressive, batting at it only to see it coming back again. Not so subtly, he angrily grabbed her tail and wrapped it around one of Lyra's back legs in an attempt to keep it still. Anon looked up and locked eyes with Lyra, who was no staring at him rather strangely.
“... your tail was, uh, bothering me.”
“Uhuh.”
“I was just... moving it out of the way.”
“Yeah.”
“So.”
“Mhm.”
“Yeah.”
Lyra turned around to respond to her messages and hide the blush on her face. Why wouldn't he just run his hands up and down her legs already?
(JDR)where were you today carney
you missed the stream
did you watch it on tv
(AC)Yeah. I had a guest over and we watched it together.
(MC)I thought you said that there was no one else in Ponyville that watched the show?
(AC)There isn't. This guy isn't from Ponyville.
(MC)oh, guy? did you find yourself a stallion miss?
(AC)Something like that, yeah.
(MC)is he hot?
(AC)Hotter than you could imagine.
(MC)send me pics sometime.
I require documented evidence.
(AC)I would, but I don't think you'd believe me.
You'd say I photoshopped it or something.
Anon interjected.
“First off, I can see what you're typing. And I have to agree with you, I am quite unbelievably hot. Second, who's Marie Curie?”
Lyra blushed harder than she already was. “Uh, Marie's an Earth Pony who lives up in Trottingham. We've known each other for a while now.”
“Are there any stallions on there?”
Lyra didn't turn around. “There are no stallions on the internet, Anon.”
Suddenly the computer had another alert; this one for a separate chat. Lyra tabbed over to see what the deal was. It was a private message from someone called Selene. Anon didn't recognize this one.
“Who's Selene? The, character, I mean, not the roleplayer.”
“Selene's a Greek moon goddess. She hasn't been online in a while.”
(S)Greetings, Sir Carnegie. We require an audience.
(AC)'sup girl?
(S)We wonder, have you by any chance seen any humans lately?
(AC)Well, I watched the new episode this morning if that's what you mean.
(S)No.
We refer to a real, living human.
In Equestria.
Lyra blinked and looked back at Anon. “What should I say? Do you think she knows something?”
“I dunno. This seems weird. Just act like you would if I hadn't shown up.”
Lyra nodded and went back to the keyboard.
(AC)Well, I watched the new episode this morning if that's what you mean.
(S)No.
We refer to a real, living human.
In Equestria.
(AC)Hold on, need to check around the house real quick.
Nope, no humans.
Just as a reminder, you do know humans aren't real, right?
(S)We were just curious for no particular reason.
Pay no head to our ramblings, Andrew.
And with that she logged off.
Lyra scratched her head and tabbed back to her main chat.
“That mare is so strange... always talks in that weird 'we' tense. Is that like, 4th person? I don't even know.”
Anon agreed silently and went back to watching Lyra type. Still, something struck him as familiar with Selene...
After a few minutes of chatting, Lyra's friends logged off. Lyra and Anon sat in silence together staring at the screen, waiting for something to happen. Anon realized that life wasn't much different here.
“So, you have to have fanart saved. Show me some.”
Lyra paled. “N-nah, I don't save human images. Don't really need to because they're all on the internet, you know?”
Anon raised an eyebrow. “Sure you do. You have to have at least some.”
Lyra looked off to the side. “Nope. Absolutely none. None at all.
Anon scratched his head. “Well then let's go search some up, I'm curious.”
Lyra spasmed a little and knocked the mouse off of the table.
“Come on, Anon, let me play you a song on my lyre or something.”
Anon crossed his arms as Lyra jumped out of his lap, trotting towards the lyre. “Alright, but I do want to see some of that fanart.”
“Yeah, yeah, we'll get to it later,” Lyra pulled up a chair and levitated her lyre next to her. “But for now, music.”
The tune Lyra played was outstanding. It was a unique tune, one that seemed foreign and unusual and yet absolutely beautiful. He wasn't sure if it was the fact that it was Equestrian music or if it was just Lyra's special talent, but he had never heard something quite like it before. Anon was nearly in tears by the time she was finished.
“That was... that was wonderful, Lyra.”
“Thanks. Bonbon likes it when I play, too. It's one of the few things that actually relieve her stress.”
Anon wiped away one of his tears. “Really? And what are the other things?”
Lyra shrugged. “Well, she likes it when I-” She caught herself. “Well, you know.”
Anon smirked. “No, I don't think I do.
“Well, Sometimes when two mares... are really good friends...”
“Yep.”
“And, uh, one wants the other to feel better...”
“Still don't follow.”
Lyra threw her hooves in the air. “They have hot lesbian sex.”
Anon blinked and stared for a few seconds before breaking into laughter. “Why didn't you just SAY so?”
Lyra trotted over and socked him in the arm, laying across his lap immediately after. “You knew exactly what I meant, hoofhead.”
“Yes, but what fun would it be if I didn't manage to make you outright say it?” He smiled and started rubbing her belly.
Oh my bucking Celestia yes.
Lyra turned to putty in his hands, letting her hooves drop to her sides and her eyelids nearly droop shut. /she was about to wrap her hooves around him then and there to propose when... he stopped. Lyra sighed and cracked open an eye as she heard Bonbon slam open the front door.
“Well, the house LOOKS like it's still in one piece. Lyra! Did the thing eat you or are you just sitting around in your lair like usual?”
“I'm right here, Bonbon!” Lyra rolled off of Anon's lap and headed for the door. “I told you it'd be fine, sheesh.”
Lyra entered the kitchen and greeted Bonbon, who looked strained as ever. “Heya, Bonbon. How was today?”
“Eh, decent enough. How'd your day with the monkey go?”
“Anon's neat. We just kind of messed around on the computer all day.”
Bonbon glanced at the office. “He still in there?”
“Yup.”
“Lyra, he can't stay here. Maybe for tonight, if we can't find a place to dump him, but really. He can't just crash here with you.”
Lyra pouted. “Why not?”
“Lyra, don't argue with me right now, I'm close enough to snapping as it is.”
“No, I WILL argue. Especially if it's in defense of a friend.”
“Alright, fine. We'll talk about it later. Do we have any Aspone? This headache is killing me.”
Lyra pointed to the nearest cabinet, with slight concern. “Are you ok, Bonbon?”
“Yes. Well, no. This whole thing is just... ugh. I don't need anything else to stress me out right now.”
Lyra moved up alongside her. “Well, do you need me to... help relieve some of that stress?”
Bonbon smiled a little and popped a few pills. “Lyra, come on. There's a giant talking monkey in the other room.”
“We can put up a “Do not Disturb” sign. Besides, his guest room is already all set up.”
“Lyra.”
“Bonny.~”
Bonbon stopped and stared at Lyra for a few seconds.
“Alright, but I get to choose the toys this time. I'll go get ready, you go give fair warning to Andy or whatever his name is.”
“It's Anon. And alright, I'll see you then.~” She turned around and started trotting to the office.
~
Anon lay down in his bed rather restlessly. Twiddling his thumbs, he tried his best to ignore the variety of loud noises in the next room over. He checked his watch; 5 minutes till midnight. He sighed and pulled himself out of bed, putting some clothes on and venturing out into the house. He found himself instinctively going for Lyra's den and sitting down at her computer. Once again, she forgot to lock it. She really needed to stop doing that.
He opened up her image folder. Empty. So, she was the crafty sort. Luckily, Anon was as well. He checked the usual places before going to his own favorite hiding spots. He found what he was looking for in the Program Files. One inconspicuous folder, untitled. He opened it up and found Lyra's human collection.
He was amazed by some of what he saw. The fanart was of about the same quality as the most impressive artists in human history. He figured most of it had to have been made by ponies with painting cutie marks or something. The sheer variety was what impressed him the most; there was art for everything between early US presidents to Chinese warlords to Amelia Earhart. He swore at himself for not having a flash drive with him. One particular folder grabbed his attention, though. It was labeled with one word.
Fap.
~
Lyra lay in bed next to Bonbon, completely exhausted. The whole room was torn up. Bonbon must have been in worse shape than she thought; she was an animal that night. Lyra turned to look at her. She was breathing slowly, a faint smile across her lips. Lyra mirrored the smile and snuggled up close to her. Bonbon was the first to speak.
“You know, maybe I've been a bit hard on... what was his name?”
“Anonymous.”
“Yes, Anon. Maybe I've been a bit hard on him. I should sit down and have a chat with him, especially if he's going to be staying here.”
Lyra smiled and nuzzled into Bonbon's side. Things were going smoothly now that Bonbon was thinking clearly. She was still a little disappointed that Anon didn't seem all that interested in sex, but she had a plan for that. She'd pretend like she wasn't into him sexually, and then they'd get really close. And then, when he was ready?
They WOULD have sex.
Lyra watched Bonbon sleep quietly for a few moments before drifting to sleep.
~
Anon scrolled through Lyra's fap folder. She had a LOT of it. Human on human, human on pony, human on changeling, minotaur, diamond dog, everything. Anon nodded appreciatively. It looked a lot like his clop folder back at home. This is what he was looking for when he asked to see fanart; he wanted confirmation that Lyra felt the same way about his presence as he did. When he had first come to Equestria, the first thing he thought was “Am I going to rut a pony?”. It was obvious that Lyra didn't feel the same way, though. She had wanted a different human, probably Carnegie for whatever reason. But Anon would just have to get on her good side, butter her up, show her that any human was just as good as the next. And then, when she was ready?
They WOULD have sex.
Anon shut off the computer and went back to sleep.
~
Luna sat in her throne impatiently, tapping her hoof on the armrest. Finally, her nightguards had returned, and they had nothing for her.
“We searched all night, your highness, but we found no 'human'. Are you sure he is in Equestria?”
“We are sure. Go! Search again. There will be no rest until he is found. And remember, not a word of this will be given to anyone. Especially our sister.”
The bat-winged ponies sighed and left the courtroom together, taking off once again into the night. Luna continued to tap on the throne. This was problematic.
She once again recalled her wording of the spell.
“Ko, prinsesa ng gabi, ipatawag isinasaad ng isang tao.
Mula sa Daigdig ko tumawag sa kanya,
Sa lupain ay siya darating,
Bago ang kanyang numero isang tagahanga!”
I, princess of the night, summon forth a man.
From Earth I call him,
To this land he comes,
Before his number one fan.
She had cursed herself for wording it so awkwardly. The human could have appeared anywhere in Equestria with such a spell; she had instructed him to appear before his number one fan, after all. At the time she had intended that to be herself, but it was obvious that the incantation took a different meaning and sent him to somepony else. It was likely this pony was keeping him for herself. Luna tried contacting all of the most frequent users of the human-net, using her character, Selene. She received responses from Bill Cosby, Kim Jong Un, Andrew Carnegie and a few more. Either one of them was lying or they had not seen any humans.
Luna didn't want to summon any more humans until she knew what had happened to this one. The days were getting lonelier and lonelier, but she would wait.
She glanced over at the nightguard to her left. He looked decent enough.
“We ponder, do you have any matters to attend to come sunrise?”
~
Bonbon sat at one end of the table, staring down the human that sat across from her. She did it with a smile, as opposed to the usual deep frown. Anon felt a bit unsettled by it. Lyra watched from the side of the room, one eye trained on the pair at the table and the other on her cereal bowl as she poured her milk. Bonbon took a sip of orange juice, clearing her throat as she put the glass back down on the table.
“So, Anonymous. Do you... plan on staying long?”
Anon shrugged. “I don’t exactly know how to get home, and I don’t know anyone els-”
“Anypony.” Lyra chimed in from her newly found seat next to Bonbon, munching on some cereal.
“Yes, sorry, anypony else around here.”
Bonbon nodded slowly, taking another sip of orange juice. “Well, given the circumstances, I don’t see any issue with you staying here,” she glanced up at the tuft of hair on Anon’s head, “And to be fair, I’m pretty sure Lyra sheds more fur than you do.”
Lyra finished slurping the last of the milk out of her bowl. “Hey, at least the shampoo I use gives it a nice minty scent. Yours just floats around the house making ponies sneeze.”
Bonbon was already heading for the door, cutting the conversation short. “Listen, you need anything, Anonymous, anything at all? You just ask Lyra or myself. Make yourself at home!”
Anonymous smiled back. “Alright. And you can call me Anon, you know.”
Bonbon nodded and pushed herself out the door, heading off to work. Anon and Lyra both gave their goodbyes before turning to each other. Lyra smirked at the like-minded response.
“So, Mr. Human. Are you ready for another fun-filled day of doing nothing important?”
“I’ve only been doing it every day of my life.”
Lyra smirked. “We are of the same kind, you and me. You’re just missing some fur, is all.”
“And you’re missing a set of fingers.” Anon sported a pair of jazz hands.
“Oh, believe me, if I could have them, I would.”
~
Luna flipped through her book of olden magicks, desperately searching for a spell that could help with her search. Scanning through her summoning section, she looked for something that could help her find her human. Reaching the end of the chapter once again, she pushed the book aside with a disappointed sigh. With another swig of cider, Luna was prepared to give up on her search for her beloved human. She wasn’t going to cry; no, she was much too ancient to shed tears over something so trivial, but she was still a bit upset. She spun around to face her bedroom door as she heard a knock.
“Enter. But be warned, we are not feeling well.”
The door creaked open, revealing the majestic form of Luna’s sister, Princess Celestia. Luna nodded in acknowledgement of her sister’s presence, but said nothing. Celestia frowned slightly at her sister’s unresponsiveness.
“I’ve come to check on you, Luna. You haven’t been out of your room in days, and yet your guards have been worked to exhaustion. Is something wrong?”
Luna sighed. “You would not understand, dear sister. We have made a mistake, one that is not so easily mended.”
Celestia moved into the room, taking her place next to her sister and wrapping a comforting wing around her. “Believe me, Luna, I’ve made plenty of mistakes. More than anypony alive, to be sure. There’s nopony in Equestria who could understand better.”
Luna leaned into her sister with another sigh. “That is not what we refer to, though it is still comforting to hear.”
“Well,” Celestia nuzzled into Luna’s neck a little, “if you plan on keeping the whole story from me, could you at least give me some basic details so that I may give some basic advice?”
Luna glared at the book that lie on the ground before her. “We have misused the magic contained within this ancient tome, and the chapter wherein said magic lies does not contain a solution for our predicament.”
Celestia nodded slowly. “But you’ve checked the rest of the book, correct?”
Luna blinked.
“... Right?”
Luna looked off to the side.
“Well, I think my work here is done. Read the rest of the book, and if you don’t find anything, then you’re free to come to me for help.” Celestia stood and trotted out of the room once again.
Luna glanced back at the sizeable piece of reading. With one more sigh, she dove back into its pages.
~
Lyra scrolled through the night’s RP chat history, making sure she didn’t miss anything worth her time. Anon sat on the couch behind her, switching through various Equestrian TV shows, counting the number of horse puns. He lost track around pun number 29, “Hay’s Anatomy”. With a click, the TV went to black, and Anon turned to Lyra.
“Before we continue, I need to know right now: is there an equivalent of ‘Tits or Get The Fuck Out’ on your version of the internet?”
Lyra blinked. “Sometimes when a dude is on, the mares like to joke around with ‘Dick or Get the Buck Out’, if that’s what you mean.”
Anon tried to contain a chuckle. “Amazing. Speaking of the internet, what adventures are we going to have there today?”
Lyra shrugged. “It depends. Do you want to make yourself known to the world yet? Because there are tons of mares out there who would be dying to meet you, let me tell ya.”
Anon pushed himself up from the couch and made his way over to the computer, lifting Lyra out of her chair and placing her on his lap as he took her place. With one hand on the mouse and the other idly scratching behind the mint pony’s ear, he scrolled through the list of human roleplayers.
“Quite a lot of friends here... how do you think they’d react to a video chat with a real, living human?”
Lyra giggled. “They’d probably think it was an elaborate hoax. Most of the ponies on here wouldn’t believe you unless you were standing in front of them. I’m having trouble believing it and I’m in your lap.”
Anon glanced up at the webcam that sat at the top of the monitor. “Let’s do it anyways. Does that thing work?”
Lyra nodded with a grin. “Who’s going to be our first victim?”
~
Colgate removed her mirror from her patient’s mouth with a satisfied hum. Moving the light away from the work area, she wheeled herself back to her writing table and scribbled a few notes to her file.
“It looks A-OK in there, Miss Sparkle! Just remember to keep brushing and flossing, and you should be fine.” She wheeled back over to her current patient, Twilight Sparkle, and levitated a lollipop down next to her. “No-one is ever too old for one of those. Now go on, I’m sure you’ve got plenty of that crazy Canterlot business to get back to, don’t want to get stuck at the boring old dentist!”
Twilight smiled and hopped out of the dentist chair, trotting out the door. “I’m sure Spike will appreciate the candy, Minuette. Thanks for the checkup!”
“I told you, you can call me-” Colgate cut off her own sentence as Twilight left the dentist’s office, leaving her all alone.
She peeked into the waiting room. Nopony. She checked her list of appointments. Her next patient wasn’t penciled in for another few hours. With a smile, she switched off the lights and headed to the back room.
Colgate carefully closed the door behind her, completely shrouding the room in darkness. Soon to follow was the soft glow of her computer screen as she powered it up, eager to see what the internet had in store for her today. Almost as if on queue, a notification popped up to greet her. It was a video chat invitation, from Andrew Carnegie. Colgate scratched her head. She hadn’t talked with Carnegie much, but whoever they were, they seemed nice enough. She shrugged and set up her webcam, clicking accept.
~
“Genghis Khan? Why him?” Lyra tilted her head back to look up at Anonymous’s face.
“I dunno, I always liked the guy when I read about him in history books. Sounded like he didn’t put up with crap.” With a single click, Anon sent the invite.
It didn’t take more than a few moments before the invitation was accepted, the entire screen turning to white as the webcams did their magic. Lyra was a tad excited to see who Genghis Khan was behind the camera, after talking to them a few times. After a few moments of nothing but bright white, the cameras finally adjusted, giving Lyra a perfectly clear view of... her dentist. They stared at each other for a few seconds in silence.
“... Hello, Ms. Heartstrings.”
“And you too, Minuette.”
“I told you, you can call me Colgate.”
Lyra blew a stray strand of her mane out of her face. “So, uh, I distinctly remember you telling me that you DIDN’T like humans.”
Colgate chuckled nervously and looked off to the side. “Well, you know, it’s kind of an awkward point of conversation. And I don’t like to get TOO friendly with my patients, you know?”
Lyra blinked. “At the end of the appointment you offered to ‘check my other opening for free’.”
Anon felt his chest heave with laughter. “I-I’m sorry, what?”
“Wait, who else is there?” Colgate tried to shift in her seat, as if it would help her see through the other webcam better.
Anonymous leaned down into the view of the camera, showing his face for the first time. Colgate’s eyes widened in disbelief as she finally comprehended the scene that sat before her, a pony curled up in a human’s lap. Her jaw nearly unhinged with the force of which it headed downward. Anon and Lyra couldn’t help but snicker.
“Well, since you’re obviously not into humans, you definitely wouldn’t want to meet my friend here. It’s fine, we get it. It’s a shame, though, Anon was dying to meet you.”
Colgate stammered for words. “W-w- no, h- that- he’s not r-real, right? This is a stunt. Some kind of magic illusion. Come on, Lyra.”
Lyra shook her head. “Oh no, he’s 100% real. All five-hundred pounds of authentic man-meat.”
“Hey, I’m not even close to five-hundred pounds.” Anon pinched his underarm, looking for flab. “And where I’m from, ‘man-meat’ has an entirely different implication.”
Colgate stared on in stunned silence, incapable of formulating a response.
“Anyways, now that I think about it, Anon here hasn’t had a dentist checkup since he arrived in Equestria. Do you think you could pencil him in, oh, sometime this afternoon? Like I said, he’d love to meet you.” Lyra grinned wide.
Syllables and words fumbled around in Colgate’s mouth, but she was unable to formulate coherent statements. With a single click of the mouse, Lyra closed the chat window.
“Grab a snack if you’re hungry, Anon, let’s go visit the dentist.”
Lyra jumped out of his lap, freeing up one of his arms to scratch his head. “Now? Alright, not like either of us are doing anything better.”
Lyra levitated a cider into Anon’s hand and grabbed one for herself as well. “Come on.”
Anon followed behind with a grin.
~
Colgate pushed herself away from her computer, her rolly chair magically driven to the other side of the room. She was unsure of what she had just seen, and was still a little dazed. Shakily, she levitated her pen the day’s schedule. She began to scribble Lyra’s name when she paused.
What, was she stupid?
There was no way Lyra had a human. You- you couldn’t just HAVE a human. They weren’t real. It was obviously some joke that Lyra had come up with, a hoax human that she could only do over camera. Yeah, that made sense. Colgate smiled to herself and put the pen down. I mean, sure, if there was ever a real human in Equestria, she would be all over that. Colgate was obsessed with humans. But this wasn’t a real human, this was Lyra being stupid.
~
Luna flipped through her book once more, a bit more studiously than previously. This time she wasn’t limiting herself to one chapter, but rather the entire book, and she was determined to find something that would help. As she turned the eight hundred and seventy third page, her face lit up brighter than her sister’s sun. She started lighting the candles and preparing her incantations.
~
Anon followed Lyra’s directions, hitting up all the town’s landmarks on the way to the dentist’s office. Lyra seated herself on Anon’s back, enjoying the perplexed looks of onlooking ponies as they piggiebacked their way through town. Anonymous noticed too, and was a bit unsettled.
“Should we be taking the main roads? I mean, we don’t want to incite mass panic.” He looked from side to side uneasily as ponies peeked out at him from their hiding spots. He caught a few looks of wonderment, probably from ponies that watched the show like Lyra did.
“It’ll be fine, Anon. You already showed yourself on camera, remember?”
Anonymous ducked below a low-hanging sign, making sure Lyra was out of the way as well before moving forward. “Well, that was one pony, and it wasn’t even in person. Colgate’ll probably think it was a hoax until w- gah, what the fuck?”
Anon rubbed his face, looking down at the rock that was just thrown at him. Ignoring the stinging for a moment, he turned to face whoever through it. A lone unicorn stood in the alley, standing vigilant and awe-inspiring, her cape billowing in the wind. Her face was obscured by a wizard’s hat, completing the blue wizard ensemble. She reared on her hind legs and posed heroically as magic fireworks sprang up behind her, fanfare coming from invisible musicians. Lyra and Anonymous looked at each other in confusion before the mare finally spoke.
“Put down that woefully unattractive mare, you fiendish beast! Leave town now while you still have the ability, lest the Great and Powerful Trixie show you what-for like she almost did with the ursa minor, before she so graciously allowed Twilight Sparkle to take care of the matter on her behalf!” The mare’s hat lifted, revealing a pair of sparkling violet eyes.
Anonymous rolled his eyes. “I’m not a beast, I’m just walking through here.” Noticing Lyra’s uneasy shifting, he added, “And Lyra’s not WOEFULLY unattractive. I mean, she’s not exactly Celstia’s own image, but-” he chuckled as he felt a playful blow of a hoof across his ear.
Lyra pulled her hoof back from her strike, looking back at Trixie. “Go home, Trixie, no need to start trouble where it’s not needed.”
Trixie returned back to all four of her hooves and snarled. “Quiet mint one, Trixie is trying to rescue you.”
Lyra rolled her eyes and gestured through the alley where Trixie was standing. “Can we just push past her and keep going? I want to go to the dentist already.”
Anon shrugged and made his way towards Trixie. She spread all four of her hooves out, taking a grounded stance, as if preparing for battle. Anon simply strolled past her, booping Trixie on the nose as he did so. She was mortified.
“W-... Y-... No! You do not have permission to boop the Great and Powerful Trixie! You weren’t supposed to boop Trixie until you convinced her to have ice cream with you! Get back here!” Anonymous continued his leisurely stroll, pretending as though he didn’t hear the mare. “Please come back! Trixie will pay you! Let Trixie love you!”
Anon exited the alley, coming to face the dentist’s office. “It would seem as if Trixie is a fan as well. How many others in this town are afraid of coming out of the human closet, do you think?”
Lyra shrugged as Anonymous pushed open the doors, the bell attached to the door alerting anyone inside of their arrival. The waiting room was nicely decorated, if not simple. A single table sat in the center of the room, adorned with quite a few magazines of varying interests and tastes. Several chairs and couches lined the walls of the room, although only the biggest one looked like it could fit the rather large human. A sound came from the back of the office, presumably the operation room. Both the pony and the human she was riding on diverted their attention to it.
“Sorry, sorry, had to deal with some things. Is that you Berry? You’re about an hour early...” Colgate rounded the corner, her face in a clipboard. She scribbled madly into it, paying no heed to the couple that now approached her. Lyra was the first to speak.
“Berry Punch might not be coming, I think she may have been one of the ponies Anon gobbled up on the way here, the crazy omnivore.”
Colgate froze as Anon spoke. “Such hurtful words coming from such a pretty little mare. You can walk if you’re going to be like that.”
Slowly, the dentist lifted her gaze to meet the wide smiles of both of her new patrons. Wordless, the only thing she could do was mouth the words “oh my” over and over. It was a good few seconds before she finally recovered.
“Y-you weren’t joking. He’s real. Actually, really real. Like, existing before me.”
Lyra nodded slowly. “I do believe that is the definition of real, yes.”
“Well, you did tell me over the call, but...” Colgate pushed open the little gate to the reception area and stepped through, coming closer to Anon, “... I never would have believed you were being serious.” Colgate slowly reached out a hoof to touch him, hesitantly pulling it back at the last second.
Lyra hopped off of Anon’s back, landing on the ground with a soft clop. She took her place next to Colgate’s side, gesturing at the human. “Well go on, girl, it’s not like he bites. Well, maybe, I haven’t fed him in a while.”
Anon smiled and shook his head. “Carnivore jokes are hurtful, Lyra, and you know it.” He turned his head and noticed the little blue pony’s hesitation. With a warm smile, he reached out and lifted her up, giving Colgate a hug.
Lyra smiled as the dentist pony wriggled around happily, finally warming up and returning the hug with excitement. “What the hay, Anon? How come I didn’t get a hug when we met?”
“Sorry, I would have given you one, but you seemed to be more interested in hitting me with a baseball bat.” After a few moments, he placed Colgate back on the ground, who was now giddy with excitement.
Lyra shrugged. “Fair point. So, Colgate, what do you think?”
Minuette looked up at the human in awe. “I-I really don’t know what to think. A living, breathing human. In my office, even! Oh, look at those incisors of yours... perfect for tearing through meat. I was always so interested in the biology in the show...” she trailed off, her eyes exploring the being before her, “... never thought about what I’d do if I met one.”
Lyra stepped between the two and grabbed Anon’s arm, pulling him away. Anon stumbled for a bit before regaining his footing, following in tow. Lyra waved as she headed for the door.
“Nice seeing you, Colgate! He’ll be staying at my place, if you want to see him again. I’m sure he loved meeti-” Lyra was interrupted by the ringing of the bell above the door, signaling a new arrival. Everyone in the room turned their attention to Berry Punch, who now stood in the entrance. She stared back.
“I’m not interrupting anything, am... am... I... oh, my...” her eyes drifted to rest on Anonymous, finally noticing him. “So the ponies outside weren’t crazy. There really is a human in town!”
Lyra threw her hooves into the air. “Oh, come on! How many of you ponies watch the show and never told me?”
“A lot, actually.” Berry Punch leaned out the door. “Hey, everypony! It’s true! The human is in here!”
~
Lyra sat on the porch of the town hall, watching Anon from a distance. He was surrounded by a mass of ponies, all trying to get their turn talking with him. Lyra was surprised by the number of ponies in town that had turned out to be fans of the show. Surprised and a little angry. She began to throw rocks on to a small pile out of boredom, trying to get them to stack. She glanced off to the side just in time to catch Pinkie Pie bouncing towards the herd.
“Jeez, Pinkie, you too?” Lyra waved as Pinkie Pie came past.
“Oh, hiya Lyra!” Pinkie bounced over and seated herself next to her. “Whacha doin’ all the way over here? The human is over there!”
“I know he is, Pinkie. Believe me, I’ve met him, he’s living with me. And I’m giving him some space to meet new ponies, is all.”
Pinkie nodded. “Well, I’m here to be one of those new ponies! I’ve never met a human before. Or baked cakes with one. Or flew kites with one. Or had a party with one. Ohmygosh, do humans like parties? I need to throw a welcome party soon!”
Lyra cut her off before she could go on a rant. “Yes, Pinkie, humans like parties. Didn’t you see episode four of the first season? Ancient Egypt? Cleopatra’s coronation?” Pinkie tilted her head. “... You do watch the show, don’t you?”
Pinkie shook her head rapidly. “Nopey-dopey! I don’t even have a TV. I just came to see the new guy!” Lyra sighed and went back to staring at Anon, lost in her thoughts. It didn’t get past Pinkie.
“You’re looking at him kinda funny, Lyra.”
Lyra looked up, as if broken from a trance. “Am I? Guess I am.”
“Are you alright? I can throw confetti everywhere if it would make you feel better. Or a cake. I could totally make a cake. Do you want a cake?”
Lyra giggled, rolling her eyes. “No, Pinkie, I don’t need a cake. Just thinking of some things, is all.”
Pinkie nodded slowly. “I think I understand.” She stood up once more and began to trot away towards Anon. “And Lyra, if it helps, I think you and Anon would look really cute together. Your mane and his suit match very nicely!”
Lyra blinked as Pinkie bounced away. Sometimes, that mare...
Lyra looked back at Anon, who was now practically smothered in ponies. He looked happy. She sighed and tossed another rock on to the pile. A huge boom roared out from Lyra’s side, followed by the sound of magical discharge. She spun her head.
~
Luna stood in Ponyville square, facing what appeared to be a giant mound of ponies. She tilted her head to the side, confused. Had her spell malfunctioned again? The incantation she had made was supposed to send her to her heart’s desire, which she had very clearly made out to be her beloved Anonymous; she had even done ANOTHER spell beforehand to confirm this. But the mass of equines before her was not Anon. Slowly but surely, the ponies slid away from one another, bowing to Luna as they did so. Within no time, they were spaced out, revealing the human at the center. Luna smiled.
“Anonymous! Oh, how we are glad to have finally found you!”
Anon stood and brushed himself off, waving. “I... would assume you are Princess Luna, yes? You look even more beautiful off camera.”
Luna stammered and looked off to the side. “O-oh, why, thank you, Anonymous, we acknowledge your compliment of our royal appearance, and extend it by adding that you look dashing as well.” She tried her best to smile away the blush.
“Right. Well. Is there anything you needed?”
Luna blinked a few times. “Needed. Anything... anything we need- oh! Yes! You. We needed you.”
Anonymous continued to smile. “Ok, well, I’m right here. What did you need me for?”
Luna laughed and shook her head. “Oh, no, you misunderstood us. We need you to come with us, back to our bedchambers.” A pause. “Er... we mean... Canterlot.”
Anon’s smile faded, and he shook his head. “Sorry, but I can’t do that. I would love to come visit sometime, but I’ve got obligations here, and Lyra would probably miss m-”
Luna took her turn to shake her head. “No, Anonymous, you do not understand. It is by royal directive that I order you to come with us. Now you will do so.”
With a flash of magic, Luna disappeared, Anonymous gone as well. The nearby fanponies watched on in silence, confused and a bit saddened by the recent occurrence. Lyra still sat at the entrance to the town hall, her jaw nearly touching the floor.
The Princess had just taken her human.
~
Lyra sat zoned out on the couch, her third bottle of cider levitating next to her. It wobbled in the air as she tried to divert her remaining attention to it, her thoughts starting to get fuzzy as the drink took over. With a sigh, she sat the drink down on the couch, letting herself drift off to somewhere nicer. Unfortunately, her thoughts kept returning to Anonymous. She didn’t even get a proper goodbye, and the chances of her ever seeing him again had considerately dropped as soon as he had been locked up in Canterlot Castle. Lyra drained the rest of the bottle and knocked it off the couch grumpily.
Bonbon entered the room quietly, checking on her friend. “Lyra, are you alright?” No response. “Roseluck told me what, uh, what happened. Do you need to talk?” Lyra shook her head and tried to take another swig of her cider, finding it empty. “Well, alright. I’ll be in the kitchen if you need me.”
Bonbon turned to leave the room, but was interrupted by Lyra’s outburst. “Buckin’... princesses... just buckin’... taking people to Canterlot. Anon didn’t even want to go. He didn’t... he didn’t even get to RUT me yet.” Lyra floppily threw her hooves into the air.
“Alright, Lyra, I think you’ve had enough to drink.” Bonbon trotted over and snatched the unopened pair of cider bottles from Lyra. “And it’s not OUR business to go poking around ROYAL business. I’m sure Princess Luna is working hard to send him back to where he came from. Don’t you want him to be happy?”
Lyra grumbled and tried to snatch a bottle back, Bonbon continuing to withhold it. Too drunk to consider using magic, she gave up and went back to slumping on the couch.
“Y’don’t get it, Bonny.” She sniffled and wiped her face with a hoof. “Me’n Anon... we... we were like...” Lyra trailed off, remembering the feeling of Anon’s fingers running through her mane. “... It doesn’t even matter. He’s gone now. Forever.”
Bonbon put the bottles down and trotted over, resting a hoof on Lyra. “Look, I know what you’re going through. I know you’ll miss him. And you’re right, it was wrong of Princess Luna to take him against his will. But there’s nothing you can-”
Alert noises sounded from Lyra’s computer. Bonbon stopped and turned to look at it. “Are you going to see who that is, Lyra?”
Lyra leaned over the side of the couch and lunged at the last two bottles of booze, falling onto the floor in the process. “Buck... t-tell them I’m busy. Busy regretting my life.”
Bonbon rolled her eyes and turned to the computer. “Whatever. It’s somepony named Selene. She saaaays... oh my, Lyra. You might want to see this.”
~
“Yeah, Luna, I told you, I’ll be right there.” Anon sighed with annoyance and continued to type frantically, unsure of how long he was going to be able to get away with this.
“We believe you, Anonymous, we... we’re just getting a little impatient. How long is this special secret human ceremony going to take?” Luna’s voice drifted from the next room. Anon tried to ignore it as he typed away.
-Now chatting with Andrew Carnegie-
(S) Lyra
Lyra goddamnit get your minty flank here right now
It’s Anon, I don’t know how long I can be here
GODDAMNIT LYRA
Anon glanced at the door. He couldn’t hear anything. He started counting.
One.
Two.
Three.
Fou-
“Anonymous? Can we come in now?”
“Give me another minute, Luna, then I promise we can do whatever you want for as long as you want.” Anon slapped himself. He was going to regret that wording later.
GODDAMNIT LYRA
(AC) Hey, Anonymous, this is Bonbon. Lyra is... crawling over here. What do you need?
Anonymous breathed a sigh of relief and went to typing.
(S) Luna is insane
I don’t know if there’s anything to be done about that but I feel it just needs to be said
But seriously I just need to talk to Lyra
(AC) Lyra is pretty hammered. She’s trying to get up to the keybodfnsfANON I LVOE YOU
I MEAN LOV
LOVE
THAT ONE
Anon blinked.
(S) I’m going to guess I’m talking to Lyra now?
(AC) y
eah
(S) How drunk are you?
(AC) pretty drunk
I lost count after the third cider
(S) Jesus. Maybe we should have this conversation some other time.
(AC) anon
do you like it there?/
arre you alowed to leave?
(S) No, and no. But Lyra, listen, sober up and look out for me later. I’ll try messaging you again, but I don’t think I can keep Luna waiting any longer.
(AC) Anon do you love me?
Anon smiled.
(S) Yes, Lyra, of course I do.
(AC) no but like
in the other way
do you love me that way?
(S) I love you in all the ways, Lyra.
Wait, no, scratch that.
I don’t love you in the sisterly way.
That would be weird.
Or the motherly way, for that matter.
Luna’s voice rang out from the next room, annoyance evident in her voice. “Anonymous! We are running out of patience. Please come out, or we shall drag you out.”
Anon closed the chat window and made his way towards the door. “Just in time, Princess, I’ve finished.”
~
(AC) would you rut me anon
anon this is important
are you there
Lyra stared at her screen with earnest, waiting for some sign of activity. After a few moments of nothing, she scraped herself off of her computer.
“We gotta... we gotta go get him, Bonbon.” Lyra stumbled out of her chair and made her way towards the exit. Bonbon intercepted her path and pulled her back.
“Lyra, you’re drunk. Sit down and think about this.”
“Y’can splash water on my face on the train to Canterlot. But we gotta go save Anon. He needs us.”
Bonbon sighed and released Lyra, letting her stagger towards the door. “Fine, but I’m coming with you. Do you have a plan?”
“Nah,” Lyra fumbled with her saddlebags, “we’ll know what to do when we get there. Le’s grab Colgate while we’re out.”
~
The three ponies all sat on the train in silence, the sun beginning to set. Lyra was somewhat sobered up, mulling through her brain for ideas. Colgate flipped through one of the magazines she nicked from her waiting room on her way out, paying the other two ponies little attention. Bonbon looked back from the window and addressed the group.
“So, we’ll be in Canterlot soon. Do we have a plan?”
Colgate looked up from her magazine and blinked. “Plan? I thought we were visiting Anon.”
“Yeah, I lied. We’re actually breaking him out.” Lyra took a sip of water as if to counteract the massive amounts of toxins she had been drinking earlier.
“Wait, what?” Colgate put down the magazine. “Alright, I’m out. As soon as this train stops I’m getting on the next one that goes home.”
Bonbon interrupted. “This is the last train running tonight. We can’t go home until morning. And hold on, Lyra, did you say breaking him out? I thought we were just going to, like, petition or something.”
Lyra rolled her eyes. “Yes, because Princess Luna is going to listen to a petition to get Anon back. And sorry to rope you into this, Colgate, but we’re going to need help.”
“I’ll come with you, maybe give you a few ideas, but I’m not going on the castle grounds. That’s your funeral, not mine.” Colgate buried herself back in her magazine.
Lyra switched sides on the train, coming to sit next to the dentist. Leaning against her, she peeked over into what she was reading.
“Go away, Lyra. I’m not happy with you.”
“Come on, Minuette. We’re both minty ponies here. Me, like the color, you, like toothpaste...”
“Lyra.”
“Ok, look. Remember those stories in My Little Human? With the knights who always saved the damsel in distress? Well Anonymous is our damsel to save, Colgate. He’ll have to repay the gratitude somehow.”
“We can’t get him out of Canterlot Castle, Lyra.”
“Do you want him to plow you or not?”
Colgate’s face remained completely expressionless for a few moments. Eventually she lifted the silence. “Fine, I’ll help. But you better come up with a good plan when we get there.”
“Don’t worry, Colgate, it’s under control.” Lyra returned to her seat as the train began to brake, nearing its destination.
~
The Canterlot streets were starting to clear up at the late hour, the setting sun signaling the end of the day’s activities. As the trio of ponies trotted towards the castle on the other side of the city, shops all along the path started closing, their owners preparing to enjoy a good night’s worth of rest. Lyra looked up at the castle’s imposing figure on the horizon, its spire reaching up towards the sky. Bonbon caught her gaze and soon found herself staring at it as well.
“It’s impressive, isn’t it? And to think something like this was finished long before our parents’ parents were gleams in a young couple’s eyes.” Bonbon stared up at the tip of the golden spire, starting to reflect the moon that was now rising. “It reaches up towards the sky, towards the sun during the day and the moon at night. Do you suppose that’s why the Princesses live up there? To be closer to their works of art?”
Lyra continued to tune Bonbon’s talk out. She glanced up at the tower again, taking in its layout and possible escapes. She figured Anon was being held somewhere inside, considering they definitely weren’t going to throw him in the dungeon and a locked tower is the next hardest thing to break out of. There was definitely no way to climb up the sides, and none of the ponies present were pegasi. Lyra thought about blinking through the walls, but given she couldn’t tell what was on the other side, or how thick the walls were, that probably wasn’t safe. No, they would have to get in through a ground-level entrance, climb their way up to the top floor, get Anon out, go all the way back down, out the bottom again, and out of Canterlot. And they would have to do all of this without being seen.
In fact, the more that Lyra thought about it, the more impossible it seemed. Even if they did break Anon out, Luna would just track him down with her magic again; she had done it once, of course she was going to do it again. She pushed the thought to the side. One problem at a time, Lyra, focus on the now and then.
Bonbon continued to chat endlessly about the beauty of Canterlot as they approached the base of the tower. Lyra turned to the group as they rounded the final street corner, the entirety of the structure finally coming into view.
“Alright, I’ve been thinking. Colgate, you may not have to come in with us after all. We need a distraction of some sorts so... we can...” Lyra turned towards the tower to see what all the noise was about.
Dozens of ponies buzzed around the tower, shouting and banging against the walls. Guard ponies, both Luna’s bat ponies and Celestia’s royal guard, fought to hold the ponies back and subdue the crowd, keeping them out of the entrances and attempting to soothe them.
Lyra shrugged. “Well, nevermind. I guess the distraction has been provided.”
“Pathetic, aren’t they? It seems you aren’t the only three who want to see the human. News of his existence spread all the way from Las Pegasus to Manehatten.” A blue pony appeared next to the other mares, an ever-present smirk of confidence shining from beneath the edge of her hat. “Of course, one can not expect them to possess the wisdom and finesse that Trixie does.”
Colgate furrowed her brow. “Trixie? What the hay are you doing here? And how have you not been outlawed from this city yet?”
A hoof rose up to point at Colgate in defense. “The Great and Powerful Trixie only leaves towns when they bore her, not when they tell her. And she is here to see the human, because she has... unfinished business with him.”
Lyra raised an eyebrow. “What, are you going to apologize for that horrendous attempt at being tsundere earlier today?” Colgate snickered as Trixie’s face hardened.
“Trixie was being tsundere just fine. Because Trixie only ever does things correctly. The attempt failed because your notably large flank got in between our un-discovered love.” Trixie flipped her hair to the side in disdain.
Lyra ground her teeth together. “What, so you’re accusing me of being the Yoko here?”
“That reference doesn’t even work here. Do you even watch the show?”
“Look, I watch it PLENTY.”
Bonbon started to back away. “I’m going to be over here for when the mares are done arguing about the show for little colts.”
“Look, Trixie can’t afford to waste her time.” She stamped her hoof on the paved street, a soft clop echoing through the dimly lit streets. “She has a plan to get Anonymous out of there and it requires three deadbeats. You will do as fine as any other set of ponies.”
“Oh really? Well then, let’s hear your fantastic plan.” Colgate narrowed her eyes with annoyance.
“Trixie doesn’t need to hear your praise to know that it’s fantastic, but it’s insightful of you to already know that it will be.” Trixie cleared her throat. “The first step is the simplest one. Trixie requires one of you to get inside. There is a kitchen near the back that has a secret door that only opens from the inside. Whichever pony does it will let the rest of us in.”
The other three ponies stood staring at her in confusion. Lyra was the first to speak up. “And then what?”
Trixie blinked. “That is Trixie’s plan. You may start applauding her for her genius now.”
Colgate sighed. “Well, it’s better than nothing, I suppose. What are the other two ponies for, though?”
“Do you honestly expect Trixie to do this alone? What if heavy lifting is involved? Besides, Trixie requires bait for the guards in case she is discovered.”
Lyra sighed. “Alright, fine, we were all going in anyways. How do you even know about this secret entrance?”
“Trixie used her skills of seduction to extract the information from one of Celestia’s chefs. It was like a James Bond movie.”
Colgate smirked.“I’m so sure.”
~
The troupe of ponies stood outside the tower, looking up at the window. Taunting them from the second story, light poured out of it’s opening, illuminating the group outside. Every mare looked the wall up and down, trying to find some way inside. Trixie trotted up and tapped it with a hoof, inspecting it closely.
“This is where Trixie was told the secret door was. She can see the marks. Trixie is going to guess neither of you lesser unicorns are going to try and blink inside?”
“I’d rather not get halfway stuck in something, thanks.” Colgate looked back up at the window. “One of us could easily fit through that window if we could reach it, though.”
Trixie glanced back at the group, a glimmer of thought in her eyes. “We have three unicorns here. Trixie proposes a plan.”
~
“A-are you sure this is safe, Lyra? What if I miss?” The ground looked much further away than it was as Bonbon hesitantly positioned herself, leaning back into the magical link between Colgate and Lyra. They stood on the roof of a nearby shop. Trixie came up behind Bonbon, pulling on the link and stretching it back like a giant elastic band, forming an oversized slingshot between the three unicorns.
“Trixie is aiming. And Trixie never misses.” Trixie grunted as she attempted to pull further back, reaching the end of the arc. “Trixie doesn’t know how well your backwards Ponyville mind holds information, so let her repeat herself. When you’re inside, go down to the kitchen, find the secret door, and open it from the inside.”
“I get it. I just don’t particularly want to do it.” Bonbon whimpered slightly as Trixie stopped moving, reaching the absolute furthest point the band could be pulled.
“If you encounter any guards, sit on them. Your enormous flank should suffocate them within moments.”
Trixie didn’t even wait for a response as she released the band, hurling Bonbon forward and upward towards the open window. Her hair skimming the stone edge of the window, she cleared the opening, landing inside with a crash. A few seconds later she peaked over the edge and waved weakly, eliciting a small sigh of relief from Lyra and a quiet cheer from Colgate. Disappearing back inside, Bonbon went off in search for the door.
“Trixie told you it would work. You all really ought to have more faith in your obvious superior.”
Lyra rolled her eyes and started climbing down from the roof. “Yeah, alright, Ms. MacGyver. You solved an issue. Try not to get a bigger head than you already have.”
~
Anonymous sat at the edge of the bed, glancing around in boredom. He couldn’t spy any exits, aside from the window behind him and the door in front of him. Unfortunately, the drop from the window was too high and the door was likely guarded from the other side. He sighed and layed back on the bed, letting his thoughts drift. Immediately, they went to Luna.
The truth was, Anonymous wasn’t all that picky when it came to mares. In fact, Luna was pretty attractive as far as cartoon horses went. He was faithful, don’t get him wrong; if he was already in a relationship, he wouldn’t even think about fucking another mare, but he had been in Equestria for what, four days now? Four days and not even a real cuddle. The horsefucking to number of days ratio was well off. He could do a lot worse than Luna, considering he had quite the folder on her back at home. That being said, he still had a lingering feeling of guilt the more he thought about the Princess. Because the more he thought about Luna, the less he thought about Lyra.
His thoughts scattered as the bedroom door opened, giving way to the lunar princess herself. She backed into the room facing away from Anonymous, still speaking to a pony standing in the hallway, presumably one of her guards.
“Now, we mean it when we say nopony is to enter. Nopony. Not even our sister. Do you understand? We are not to be disturbed.”
“Yes, your highness, we understand.” The raspy, distinguishable voice of a bat pony answered.
“Good. See to it that you follow these directions.” Luna closed the door and turned around, coming face to face with Anon.
“Oh! Anonymous! You are still awake, this early in the morning?”
Anonymous chuckled. “Please, Princess. I’ve stayed up this late way too many times. I’m not even sure if I get tired anymore.”
Luna sauntered over to the bed, taking a seat next to him. She tried to mimic his style, sitting on her flank with her legs hanging over the side. “So, you are a creature of the night as well? It seems we were made for one another.” Luna stared into Anon’s eyes, batting her eyelashes a few times. Anon couldn't manage to hide his smile at her attempts of flirtation.
“Your Highness, you are aware that I’d very much wish to leave?”
Luna sighed and averted her gaze to the ground, looking away. “We sense this, yes. It is unfortunate that you do not share our views, but we do hope that, in time, you will understand our intentions.”
Anonymous shook his head and stepped off of the bed, moving to the other end of the room. Luna’s bedroom was elegantly furnished, with expensive furniture taking up most of the space and the evidence of several hobbies taking up the remainder. Anon found it difficult to navigate through the mess, taking care not to step on any of the delicate projects Luna was working on. Finally he reached the other end of the room, arriving at the sofa in front of the television set. He took a seat and flipped on the TV. It took a few moments before he finally recognized something worth watching. My Little Human.
Luna soon joined Anon on the couch, sinking into the cushion next to him. She smiled at his choice of entertainment.
“Ah, an ancient Rome episode. We love these. Rome is before your time, no?”
Anon nodded. “Well before my time, yes. Still not sure how I ended up here, but I was in the year 2013 when I ended up in Lyra’s kitchen.” Anon watched for a few moments in silence before adding, “This show... doesn’t go past that, right? I don’t want to watch my future.”
Luna shook her head. “As far as we know, no. The show has not gone past the year 2012.”
The pair watched in silence, both enjoying the show. Anon smiled as the gates of the colosseum raised, releasing the combatants into the arena. On horseback, the Roman legionaire charged forward, bounding into the cluster of war criminals that fought amongst each other in the center. Too busy with one another to notice him, the legionnaire cut through several of them, pulling back on the reins and coming by for another heroic pass. Luna’s eyes sparkled as she watched.
“Humans are truly incredible... such violent beings, yet still capable of showing compassion when it is necessary.”
Luna inched her hoof across the couch, first resting it against Anon’s leg. She lifted it slowly, bringing Anon’s shirt with it, revealing his stomach. Delicately and thoughtfully, she began to rub her hoof along its surface. Anon stared at her for a few moments of confusion before coming to the realization that she was giving him a bellyrub.
Anon needed to get out of there.
“Oh, we’ve nearly forgotten!” Luna jumped off of the couch and headed to the other side of the room. “We will be back soon. We need to return a book.”
~
Bonbon peeked around the corner, careful not to make a sound. The halls of the palace were surprisingly empty. She figured that most of the guards were probably preoccupied with the disturbance at the entrance. Seeing the hallway in front of her empty as well, she progressed forward. At the end of the hallway was a staircase, which she descended to the first floor. As she neared the bottom of the stairs, her sensitive nose picked something up: something tasty. With a smile, she followed the smell to what was most likely the kitchen.
Bonbon strode into the room with confidence, her hooves clattering loudly with pride as she trotted across the tiled floor. Ignoring stares from numerous chef ponies performing their duties, she headed for the back room where the entrance was supposedly hidden. Her theory was that if she acted like she owned the place, no one would stop her. Unfortunately, she ran into the only pony who actually DID own the place: the head chef.
“Can I help you, madame?” The unicorn was unusually tall, with a white coat and a soufflé cutie mark. A white chef cap obscured a good portion of his grey mane as he scowled at Bonbon with piercing blue eyes. She kept a straight face and stared back at him with a similar expression of indignation.
“Can you help me? Can you help ME? I’m sorry, sir, I’m not sure who you think you are, but I came in here to help YOU lot.” Bonbon flipped her mane off to the side. “Now stand aside. Princess Luna’s orders.”
“You are not the Princess, now are you? Come back with official orders or get out of my kitchen.”
Bonbon’s eyes flared in mock anger. “Oh, excuse me? You wish to DEFY the will of the princess of the night? Well, then I guess I WILL leave. Because OBVIOUSLY you have a candy maker as skilled as I am on staff already.” She pointed to her cutie mark. “And OBVIOUSLY I got on that train from Prance for no reason, no reason at all. And I’m sure you’ve got someone capable of delivering the Princess the bonbons she wanted at this very moment. The ones she’s been craving for the past few days and specifically ordered me to make. So if you want me to go, I will.” Bonbon started to trot out, turning for just a second to glance up at the chef’s hat. “That’s a nice hat, by the way. I’m sure it would look just as good on somepony else.”
The chef’s eyes widened in terror. “W-wait! If you must use my kitchen, do it quickly. I’m not one to keep the Princesses from their demands. Even if you are lying, the only one who’s going to suffer in the end is your own sorry flank.” The chef shook his head and trotted off to the side, checking on his dish. Bonbon smiled and continued forward.
~
“I’m sorry, but Trixie honestly believes your marefriend is dead.” Trixie examined her hoof from all angles as she lounged on the castle’s lawn. Colgate rolled her eyes from her spot leaning against the castle wall, supposedly where the secret entrance was supposed to be. Lyra sighed once more.
“For one, she’s not my marefriend. For two, she’s fine. Bonbon knows how to handle herself. And she knows how these Canterlot types work. She’s wanted to be a princess her whole life, she’s been studying how royalty behaves for years.”
“Trixie is not convinced. If Trixie were to have gone inside, she would have had this door open already. Not to imply that your marefriend is even close to as competent as Trixie in anything.”
Colgate opened her mouth to say something, but was interrupted as she felt the wall shudder behind her. She took a few steps back, narrowly avoiding a stone wall to the face as the door swung open. Bonbon stood on the other side, a triumphant grin on her face.
Lyra strode forward with a mirrored grin as Trixie pushed herself off of the ground. “I knew you could do it, Bonnie. Are there guards in there? What’s the situation.”
“There are a few.” Bonbon’s grin turned into a smirk. “I’ve got a way around them, though.
~
“No, no no. No. Trixie will not. She refuses.” Trixie eyed the uniform up and down. “Trixie will not dress like a common servant. She is above this.”
Lyra tied the final strings to the maid outfit with her magic, completing her disguise. “Come on, Trixie. Bonbon already made some bonbons to bring up to the princess. Just dress up as a maid and we’re in the clear. Hiding in plain sight.”
Trixie continued to shake her head in silence. Colgate sighed.
“Forget about her. She doesn’t have to dress up. She’s already got the cape and the hat, she can pretend to be a performer summoned to the Princess’s chambers. That’s a thing, right?”
Bonbon shrugged. “If it works for me, it’ll probably work for the guards.”
“Trixie is ok with this. And Trixie does not PRETEND to be a performer, Trixie is a professional pony capable of all types of extraordi-”
“Yeah, alright, we’re good then.” Lyra began to push the cart forward, the candy openly displayed on its surface. “Let’s get moving.”
The four ponies made their way out of the kitchen and up to the top of the tower, Bonbon leading in front. As they came to each set of stairs, the three unicorns focused their magic to lift it up past the steps. A few minutes later and they were halfway to the top of the tower, stopped on the library floor as a stallion tried to make his way passed the group on his way downstairs.
“Excuse me, girls.” He spotted the cart as he squeezed his way through. “Oh, are those for Princess Luna? I’m afraid you just missed her, she’s up at the top of the tower now. She’s done returning the magic book already.”
Lyra rested a hoof on him to hold him up. “Wait, wait, what book are we talking about here?”
“Oh, the Equinomipon. It’s an ancient tome filled with old magics, unusable by many unicorns. Yes, Luna had borrowed it to summon... something or another, here. To this realm.” He paused. “Wait, why do you need to know?”
“Just curious.” Lyra let the man continue down the stairs before turning to the group. “We need to destroy that book. It’s how Luna brought Anon here and it’s how she found him earlier today. Busting him out is pointless if she just has the means to just find him again.”
Colgate and Bonbon both nodded in agreement. Trixie lifted her chin in the air heroically.
“Trixie will bestow herself with such a task. She can not ask you miserable ponies to perform such a thing alone, as you will all obviously fail. So Trixie, being the most generous and fantastic pony as she is, will take it upon herself to go destroy the Equinomipon. You three continue on and... do your silly pony things.” Before waiting for any response, she took off into the library wing.
The three remaining mares shrugged and continued onward, heading up the stairs. It only took a few minutes more before they reached the top of the tower, arriving at the floor where the princesses resided. The sun was almost up, at five in the morning, with Celestia’s room off to one side and Luna’s on the other. Both rooms were heavily distinguished by the use of astronomical symbology, Luna’s door adorned with moons and stars and Celestia’s shining with one brilliant sun. Likewise, a pair of bat pony guards stood outside of Luna’s door, with a couple solar legionnaires standing outside of Celestia’s. Both stood alert and ready for action, glancing at the trio of ponies that had just arrived. Bonbon lead them up to Luna’s door with a warm, sincere smile.
“Hello, gentlemen. We have a delivery for Princess Luna. You know how she is, what with the bonbons and such.” Bonbon waved her hoof off to the side in an exaggerated manner, as if she was speaking with a couple of old friends. The bat ponies were not amused.
“The Princess did not order anything to her room. Turn around and wait for her to come for them.”
Bonbon stared at them for a few more moments in silence, he smile still present. Without saying a word, she spun around to point her hind hooves forward, bucking the guard in the face. He was out from a single blow. The other three guards stared on with disbelief, as did Bonbon’s two friends that stood behind her. Lyra adapted quickly and launched the tray at the other bat pony, knocking him to the ground. Colgate followed in her footsteps and turned to the two legionnaires, clanging their helmed heads together with her magic grip. Within moments, the hallway was devoid of any movement.
Lyra lifted the cart and made sure the pony underneath was still breathing. “Jeez, Bonbon, a little warning next time.”
Colgate shook her head and leaned against the wall, eyes wide in disbelief. “If anyone asks, you knocked out all these guards. I’m not going to the dungeon for this.”
“Get a hold of yourself, Minuette. We’ll be alright.” Lyra trotted up to the door and pressed her hooves against it. Looking back at her two friends, she waited for nods of confirmation. Once Colgate had recollected herself, Lyra nodded back at them and pushed forward, swinging the door open.
“Get away from Anon, you moon-assed whore!”
~
Anon leaned away from Luna, trying to get as far away from her as possible as she tried to snuggle close to him.
“You know, Anonymous, there was something we always wanted to learn about human culture... this... horseback riding thing... we would very much like to try i-”
The princess and the human both jumped as the door behind them swung open, slamming against the wall.
“Get away from Anon, you moon-assed whore!”
The pair peeked over the edge of the couch, examining the intrusion. Luna’s face contorted in confusion as Anon’s face lit up with joy.
“Nice use of human vocabulary, Lyra. It was very convincing.”
Lyra smiled. “Thanks, Anon, I was practicing that one in my head for the past few hours.” The mint pony turned to Luna. “And you! Let the human go. I’m not afraid of you, I took out four of your guards and I’ll take you down too!”
Bonbon and Colgate followed in behind Lyra, the former’s eyes bright with interest as she looked around the princess’s room.
“Actually, Lyra, technically you only took out one guard. Colgate and I took out the other three.”
“Hey, just let her take the blame. I’m not going to prison for this.” Colgate looked around the room with some slight interest as well. Luna stared from the couch, still entirely dumbfounded.
“W-who are all of you ponies? What are you doing in our bedchambers? What have you done to our Nightguard?”
“Gig is up, Luna. Hand over the human and no one gets hurt.” Lyra spread her hooves apart in some kind of combat stance as Bonbon fiddled with a nearby jewelry cabinet, trying on various tiaras and necklaces.
Colgate shrugged. “Look, I was promised some one-on-one with the human, and even though I wasn’t really expecting that to become a reality, now that we’ve come this close I’d still like it to happen. So if you could just do what the crazy one says this’ll be over quicker.”
Bonbon turned to Luna, a bright gold tiara shining atop her head. “How much would one of these cost, do you know? I always wanted one just like this, but my mom always told me we never had the money...”
Luna blinked a few times, still confused. Anon stood up from the couch and made his way over to Lyra, wrapping her in a big hug, which she returned. He placed her back on the ground and she re-assumed her position.
“We... still do not understand the situation. Are we under attack?” Luna scratched her head with a hoof.
“Not if you let us leave with Anonymous. Which we’re about to do. Come on, girls, we need to get going.”
Bonbon sighed and put the jewelry back down, waving goodbye to Luna as she grabbed Colgate around the neck and started dragging her towards the door. “Goodbye, your highness. Your room is beautiful! It was an honor visiting.”
Luna stammered in continued misunderstanding as Anon went to leave the room with Lyra cradled in his arms. “We- you- we don’t- you can’t- b-bring him back here! W-we- what-”
“Sister. Sister! Luna! I need a word.”
Everyone paused as the voice of Celestia drifted into the room from the hall. Within moments she appeared, dragging a disgruntled Trixie behind her. She had her hooves crossed in defiant anger, much like a toddler caught trying to raid the cookie jar. Floating next to Celestia was the Equinomipon. Everyone paled in silence.
“Now, with four ponies, a princess, and some kind of hairless monkey, maybe SOMEONE can explain why I caught THIS ONE raiding the library,” Celestia thrust Trixie into the room, “why there’s a riot outside, and why there are four unconscious guards here in the hallway?”
~
“I am sincerely sorry you were pulled into this, Mr. Anonymous, and my sister’s foolish actions trouble me on a deeper level than you could probably understand.” Celestia turned to frown at her younger sister, who sat shamefully on the couch. “I’ll have you returned to your own world soon. And as for you four,” Celestia turned to face the pony perpetrators, “breaking into the royal grounds is a serious offense. As is impersonation of royal staff, and assault of the royal guard.” Lyra, Bonbon, and Colgate all sat in silence, staring at the ground. Trixie held her head in the air indignantly. “But given the circumstances, the minimal harm done and my sister’s unjust actions, I will pardon you of all charges. You may leave at any time. I would suggest soon.”
Colgate stood and headed for the door. “I’m out. You’re all insane.”
Bonon followed behind her, stopping by the jewelry cabinet one more time. She lifted up her favorite tiara and placed it on her head again. “Um, Celestia, would it be too much to ask-”
“Whatever you want. Just go.”
Bonbon smiled and trotted out the door with her new favorite accessory.
Trixie slowly rose to her hooves, her face frozen in an expression of ignorant pride. “Obviously Trixie has done nothing wrong here. She will take her leave now.” She headed past Celestia, eyes half-shut. Almost to the door, she dashed to the side and grabbed the Equinomipon, blinking away within the same moment. The present company looked on in silence before Lyra chimed in.
“Are you going after her? I mean, the book is kind of important.”
“We’ll find her later. It’s not like a pony so full of pride can go into hiding. And Luna said she copied down a spell for sending Anonymous back to Earth.” Celestia turned to face the pony she was speaking to. “And as for you, Lyra. Are you not leaving soon?”
Lyra hardened her expression and shook her head. “I’m not leaving without Anon. I came here for a reason, I didn’t come all this way for nothing. I love him, and I can say that completely sober this time.” She turned to Anonymous and gave him a comforting smile, which he returned.
“I’m sorry, Lyra, but the only place Anonymous is going is back to his own world. He can’t stay here, not after all the trouble he’s proved he can cause here. This is my final word on the matter.”
Anon’s smile faded, as did Lyra’s. Quietly, he made his way across the room and knelt down, holding out his arms for one final hug. Lyra stood on her hind hooves and collapsed on him, accepting it. They sat there quietly for a few moments, enjoying what would probably be their final embrace. Lyra wiped a tear from her face as Anon pulled back.
“Princess, I will abide by whatever you say. But I’ll only willingly return to Earth under one condition.”
~
Anonymous sat on his old couch, back at his home once more. Sighing with comfort, he reached over and grabbed the TV remote, switching to the Hub immediately. 7:30 AM sharp. He smiled to himself as the My Little Pony theme came on, memories flooding back to him. He watched as the balloon descended into Ponyville square. He remembered when he had stood there, in that very spot, covered in smiling ponies. He watched for a few minutes, identifying places he had been during his visit.
Anon sat up suddenly, pausing the TV where it was. His smile grew wider as his suspicions were confirmed. There, standing off to the side with an excited smile, stood his favorite minty mare, right next to Bonbon. He stared for a few moments before turning around and shouting out behind him.
“Lyra! I told you you were on the show! I found you already!”
His grin widened at the sound of thundering hooves, clamoring toward him across the kitchen tiles. Lyra popped out from around the corner, leaping over the side of the couch and landing next to Anon. She quickly climbed into his lap, looking at the screen with him. “Hey, you weren’t bucking with me after all. That’s so cool!”
“Cm’on, why would I lie to you?” Anon began to scratch behind her ears with a smile. “So, what adventures do you want to do today? We’ve got the whole world out that door.”
Lyra put her hoof to her chin in thought. “The whole world, huh? I guess it is the year 2013, you’ve got all kinds of transportation.” She sat in thought for a few moments. “Can we go to Rome? I suppose it’s in ruins by now, but I still really want to see it.”
Anon laughed. “We’ll put Rome on the scope, then, but there’s more than a bit of planning involved for a trip like that. How about we start with some human cuisine? Ever had meat before?”
Anon leaned over, giving Lyra the opportunity to hop on his back. He hoisted her up and headed for the door.
~
Trixie sat in a circle of candles, hat pulled down over her eyes. She sat in quiet concentration in her trailer, the sounds of ponies milling about outside muffled by the dense wooden walls. The book sat before her, its pages open to a spell of summoning. Trixie lifted her hat in order to read the words one more time, committing the spell to memory. There could be no mistakes. Slowly, she let the words flow to her lips, the candles beginning to flicker as an invisible wind flowed by them. The wind picked up speed as the spell continued, Trixie channeling every ounce of her magical power to complete it. With one final burst of energy, the wind put out the candles before disappearing. Panting, she lifted her hat from her eyes and looked around the room.
Standing before her was a human, but it didn’t look anything like Anonymous. This human was... bigger. He had a slight stench that managed to drift its way into Trixie’s direction, causing her to scrunch up her great and powerful face. He turned to face her, obvious fear and confusion plastered across his face. Trixie stared at him in silence.
“W-where am I? Who are you?” Slowly his face lit up as his vision adjusted to the dark room. “Oh my god, you’re Trixie! Y-you’re my waifu! I knew this day would come!”
Trixie continued to stare at the back wall of the room in shock, even as the human ran over and wrapped her in a sweaty hug. Words tried to reach her mouth, but none were uttered. Slowly, as her hat fell to the floor from excessive hugging, she finally managed to speak.
“T-Trixie... has made a terrible mistake.”
Author's Note
This was a blast to write, and I'm glad it was so well accepted in AiE. I'm actually not absolutely disgusted in it (for once) so I decided I might as well post it here as well. Anyways, it's been fun, and I hope you had fun reading it!
Edit: People seem to be confused with what AiE is, which doesn't surprise me. I should have made it clearer. To clean up any confusion, AiE stands for Anon in Equestria, which is one of the more popular general threads on /mlp/. They feature a human (not always a human, but usually) named Anonymous who visits Equestria. Obviously not everyone here frequents /mlp/, so I don't know why I assumed everyone would know what that was.
